#(i mean. bro doing that to dave too is good im not denying that)

[coridallasmultipass]

well one of family never ends' author's other fics is the epilogue of course ;) but ipgd also wrote people don't do that (alphacest), homestuck watches boku no pico, and like the first uucest fic

YAASS OMG.

ANON.

Thank you.

Deeply and truly thank you. Saved me a real pain. It was People Don't Do That. Gonna reread it ASAP. I don't remember if I read the uucest one, but I powered thru a lot of fics while I was sick in Jan, and I don't remember like 90% of those two weeks. (Like, as I'm going thru the tag I'm reading now, I'll see something unclicked and go to read it, finish the fic like OMG SO GOOD, and then scroll a little more and I see my name at the top of the kudos list and it's like, wait, when tf did I read this? It was when I was sick.)

Ughhhh. I ADORE the dynamic of whichever younger Strider being the instigator, and it fits Alphacest so deliciously. (I don't even know what to say here without being so fucking overtly horny for Alpha Dave in general but that's not new lmao.)

But seriously, the scene on the roof where Dirk took Dave's underwear, like. I died. There's no other way to put it. It fucking killed me. I'm going to remember that forever, it was so good.

[loathsomespider]

to be clear this is not an attack on you and i enjoy your work. you dont even have to answer this if its too rude or presumptuous in your opinion. but i think its funny seeing your "definitively, if its the source material, they would fucking say that" post while knowing how you feel about the weaker parts of homestuck and also the uh. the epilogues. again this isnt supposed to be an epic own gotcha moment i think everyone is allowed to contain multitudes and shit. im just also a bit mischievous and part of me wants to be the little wondershowzen puppet going "But can we discuss the contradiction"

ah too bad you wanted to be a silly little gotcha puppet but i was thinking about this too! hold my hair back im forming this idea in real time so im about to start just vomiting the fuck up a bunch of half-formed ideas. (this is the second time today ive used this analogy)

the thing is that while i dont like the homestuck epilogues at all, there's no denying that it is largely, in-character, in broad strokes. it's a story which relies on every character being their worst possible self, sure. it is, in a lot of ways, a very public, very messy relapse. it gets at some really ugly parts of what the characters are, and that's just not what i want from homestuck.

it's part of a larger trend of hussie trying really hard to Make Dramatic Art and Tell Stories With A Point that i think really plays against what theyre good at, like. you see this with psycholonials too, just this idea of storytelling where nothing good ever happens and every character is not just flawed, but unbearably, noxiously toxic. and yknow, that's fine too, its literally not an invalid goal for a story to have.

its just not what i really like about homestuck and to a lesser extent problem sleuth. like, as messy as my feelings are about psycholonials, i still think fondly of zhen as a character even if she is the worst person to ever exist.

its like they took "dave being abused by bro came out of nowhere, the rooftop strifes dont really feel textually different from the other guardian strifes" all the way to heart and way overcorrected.

but all that to say, the worst possible self-hood apple hasnt fallen too far from the tree. and that's not strictly an invalid thing to tell a story about. it's just not what i want out of homestuck. and the tangible difference there, imo, is that puts the onus of not liking it on me, rather than hussie, cephiedvariable and ctset. they set out to do something, i didn't like what they did, i had an extended mental breakdown about it that i am still feeling the ramifications of even now, but at some point, the world continued to turn.

i hope you can kind of sense this feeling in bdth - while they aren't really in the running to be main characters or anything, rosebot, pesterquest rose, and candy rose are all real in burning down the house. i may be taking jane in a different direction, but that different direction is still in terms of hs2 jane. hell, tavros crocker gets a cameo in the walkaround

and yeah, this is to emphasize the contrast bdth jane against post-canon jane, but in order for that contrast to mean anything, those parts of the character have to have meaning enough to be rejected, which is the real point im getting at. it sort of drives home that i'm not just *really fucking up* at writing jane, too, which is actually more important than youd think.

ignoring the textual parts of a character you dont like because it conflicts with what you want the character to be (an image that you construct and maintain on your own, unintentionally) is a great way to wind up doing bad characterization of that character.

and yknow, sometimes that's fine! if your reach never gets beyond making an incorrect quotes blog, that doesnt matter. who give a shit. besides me, historys most notorious hater, who will seethe about a bad character take for weeks on end. (but i am the exception, not the rule)

if you're really swinging for the fences as i tend to do, at all times, even when i would be best suited not to, it just doesnt sit right to me to drop bits of a character you dont like just because you dont like it. when youre writing, its there specifically to be played with. and again, "playing with it" here still encompasses rejecting it and doing something different.

and yeah, different authors are going to focus on different parts of a character, but then youre getting out of the scope of this post tbh. but i think its worth remembering that nobody ever wants to make something bad on purpose. even intentionally making something bad on purpose is something you would want to succeed at, you dont want to fail at making something bad on purpose, etc. etc. this is stupid.

tl;dr its not actually that contradictory imo

[pesterloglog]

Kanaya Maryam, Dave Strider

Act 4, page 1589

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GA: You Command The Seer

GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition

TG: who

GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty

TG: oh yeah sure

TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews

GA: Thats An Exotic Title

GA: I Thought You Were The Knight

TG: wrong what do you want

GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly

GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort

TG: what the hell

GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight

GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right

GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh

GA: Endearment

TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill

TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there

TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs

TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black

GA: Um Is This

GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship

GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong

TG: man wait

TG: whats this about

TG: you have a thing for her dont you

TG: dont deny it bro its obvious

GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination

TG: hahahaha so terrible

TG: what a transparent dodge

TG: all hiding behind your alien shit

TG: just admit it

TG: you want me to help you win her over

GA: I Just Would Like To Gather

GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity

TG: ok well its easy

TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite

TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do

GA: Maddening

GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns

GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly The Ultimate Riddle

TG: oh my flipping christ

TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs

GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark

GA: I Have Been Practicing

GA: Your Human Sarcasm

TG: oh ok

TG: that was pretty good

TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it

GA: Very Well

GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship

TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll

GA: That Was Sincerity

TG: oh

TG: alright look

TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops

TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit

TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not

GA: Then

GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things

TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah

TG: be like

TG: an antagonism ninja

TG: like her

TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing

TG: it could be a horrible thing though

GA: It Sounds Like

GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again

GA: Which I Have Tried

GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor

TG: yeah i guess i am

TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll

GA: Okay

GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed

TG: good luck bro

[overtrolled-liveblog]

[1589]

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] -- GA: You Command The Seer GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition TG: who GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty TG: oh yeah sure TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews GA: Thats An Exotic Title GA: I Thought You Were The Knight TG: wrong what do you want GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort TG: what the hell GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh GA: Endearment TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black GA: Um Is This GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong TG: man wait TG: whats this about TG: you have a thing for her dont you TG: dont deny it bro its obvious GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination TG: hahahaha so terrible TG: what a transparent dodge TG: all hiding behind your alien shit TG: just admit it TG: you want me to help you win her over GA: I Just Would Like To Gather GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity TG: ok well its easy TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do GA: Maddening GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly The Ultimate Riddle TG: oh my flipping christ TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark GA: I Have Been Practicing GA: Your Human Sarcasm TG: oh ok TG: that was pretty good TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it GA: Very Well GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll GA: That Was Sincerity TG: oh TG: alright look TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not GA: Then GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah TG: be like TG: an antagonism ninja TG: like her TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing TG: it could be a horrible thing though GA: It Sounds Like GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again GA: Which I Have Tried GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor TG: yeah i guess i am TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll GA: Okay GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed TG: good luck bro

Pulling from my earlier point about Terezi, it is notable that Dave refers to Kanaya as “Bro” here, and that Dave probably assumes that GA has a heterosexual interest in Rose. I wonder if this explains the insincerity that Dave seems to display here. He doesn’t really believe that being insincere constantly is the way to get her attention, since we know that John is very sincere and they are close friends. But maybe it reflects a genuine belief that he needs to be insincere to keep Rose’s attention, and maybe that means Dave wants romantic attention from Rose? It isn’t so far fetched; at this point they do not know that they are siblings, and even if Dave were wholly uninterested in women (a highly debatable proposition, even when he comes out later in the story), you can still want sexual attention from people without actually wanting to have sex with them. But again, why would Dave give GA, to him a random troll, advice on picking up Rose?

[tropicalgoon]

Spoilers for the Homestuck Epilogue below.

First things first, i had caught up reading Homestuck on the exact day the Gigapause started (10/16/13). So long pauses and people arguing about canon was pretty common. Then the comic ended but later we got snapchats. Once the snapchats started coming people were unsure how ‘canon’ the snapchats were. Also    

i was surprised with how fast the rest of the Epilogue came out. I figured it would have been drip fed like the comic was but reading it now i can see why that was not the case. If you haven't read the Epilogue i have one thing to say.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONTENT WARNINGS THEY ARE NOT JOKES.

With that out the way, i think the biggest shift in the Epilogue vs the actual comic is that everything is way more mature. While Homestuck was full of angsty, snarky teens and a lot of jokes, ironic and not, the Epilogue overall has a more somber, powerless mood to it.

Also one more thing, i do not have a fav character or ship. So that might be why im upset about how it is.

Now i read the Candy choice first so ill talk about that. Now as soon as i saw the juju i knew it was going to have an effect. And i was right, the juju makes people feel okay with their surroundings and so when John ate it he felt at ease with the chaos his life and friends were becoming. But hoo boy did everyone suck all around. 

i knew Gamzee was gonna be back and i was not wrong. i think the whole iVe bEeN GeTtIn mY MoThErFuCkIn rEdEmPtIoN On sO EvErYtHiN I Do iS GoOd was a funny bit but maaaaaan did it get a lil crazy. Jake has always been a doormat and easily manipulated. So nothing too new there but it was nice when he ran off with lil tavros. Also i guess hes the earth c equivalent to a kardashian.

 It really surprised me how fast Roxy got together with John. In fact the Candy Roxy is way different than the meat Roxy. i guess thats the juju at work. Rose was sick with an “illness” but soon after the candy was ate she got “better”. What actually happened was she stopped trying to open her mind to the infinite degree and just let herself live in the moment and be truly happy. It was nice to see her and Kanaya have a happy life, at least until everything went bad. As for Dirk i felt bad for him because he always had that whole meta textual self importance thing going on so when he offed himself i was like oh no. Its nice that him and Dave had bro-sesions.

And now time to talk about Jade, Dave, and Karkat. It feels like Dave and Karkat have mostly stayed the same with a few big differences.1) they both are a little less insufferable, 2) Karkat has accepted he is a leader and 3) their tip toeing around relationships was kinda annoying. Which brings me to Jade. She was butting into all three of their relationships trying to force them to admit feelings. While ive seen some people say Hussie killed Jade i personally dont think so. Jade was always a headstrong, stubborn person who would go after what she wanted and i mean she was on an island by herself for most of her life if she wants to have fun let her. 

Jane really went off the deep end. Which i dont think was so far off her canon personality in the comic. Her denying being xenophobic while being incredibly xenophobic was funny but also pretty real. While i didnt like they way she interacted with Jake it honestly fits in with what happens in the comic. (the trickster stuff, the crockercorp kidnapping). Her whole shadowy rise to hidden power was inevitable also i feel like she was really echoing the Condense on earth. Allowing Gamzee to spread his faith while funneling her wealth and fame into passing the policies and laws she wants. I do not think its out of character for her and Dirk to hate trolls since their lives were so affected by them. 

Johns depression clouding his judgement and making him not want to react was sad to read. It really felt like he was just drifting around, letting all of the situations and chaos just wash over him. So when he was talking to Terezi and she helped him make sense of things it was a nice turn of pace.

Speaking of Terezi, its sad how long she went chasing after (Vriska). As of this moment i dont really think the quadrant system is really in place anymore (at least relationships with humans in it). With John and Terezi talking to each other it really felt like blackrom.  “1F 1 W3R3 3V3R TO DO BL4CKROM 4G41N, 1T WOULD H4V3 TO B3 LOW K3Y”. It is sad her obsession with finding (Vriska) led to her dying in the void.

Seeing Aradia and Sollux was a surprise but they really didnt add much to anything (esp. Sollux). It was kinda funny how much of a dickhead Cade (Calliope Jade) was towards her. Cade was interesting. i really feel like she acts like she did in the comic. 

(Vriska) returning was also not a surprise. She THE most known character. Of course she would be back, but not by her own accord. She wants the spotlight, she HAS to have it. Now that she is trapped on earth c she is now out of canon and so she is out of the spotlight. Thats why she was wailing about needing to SEE it. I think its kinda funny she ends up having a quick fling with Gamzee, and he tries to sell her on his redemption arc bullshit. It really shows how far her obsession has let her fall.

And now its time for meat. Honestly im glad i read candy first because meat was really nice to read after candy. As i said with candy, i figured meat would be the more active of the two (duality like the cherubs). 

First off it was really nice to see how much Dave believes in Karkat and how he thinks Karkat would be leader earth c NEEDS. In Meat they still have their relationship drama with themselves and Jade. I really feel like shes slightly more direct in this one. After the blowup 

John dealing with Roses instructions, finding and bringing together the younger versions of themselves so they could go fight a younger Caliborn and getting sucked into the the house juju was not a surprise since its been theorized thats what would happen. Of course Rose did not warn him, or even tell him what to do. Even when the younger versions of Johns friends die and get hurt he still tries to save them. 

Jake is a very powerful figure in the new earth, he doesnt even realize it. Which leads to everyone trying to get him on their sides. I honestly feel like this is partly his page powers (but then again the classes and aspects dont mean all that much) but he has always been unconfrontational and a doormat. Dirk, Jane, Dave, and Karkat only want to use him for his ass and fame so they can further their agendas. 

i think its rather fitting that (Vriska) doesnt get to see how the battle against Lord English ended. It was GREAT to see Davepetasprite^2 make a comeback and fight Lord English. She KNOWS the final battle isnt her battle but she is still THE ONE who turns the tide. She’s the one who has brought the winning piece so its still a victory of hers by proxy. Also she does not have the talk with Vriska (rose and kanayas kid) on a clown throw pillow so she does not get to do the self reflection she needs. Instead she gets sucked into a black hole.

The Jane and Dirk combo was not surprising, they both had the hangups about Jake and i feel like it ended the same way. Once they got what they wanted it was no longer exciting, or mysterious. But reading the political sabotage and Dirks plans coming together made me realize he was using her for his own gains too. 

Now the whole Rose dying because her physical body couldn't contain the infiniteness of infinity was truly heartbreaking. Especially when Dirk was fucking with Kanaya. i do not know how much of Rose was being manipulated by Dirk and how much was her wanting to end her chronic suffering(2real4me). Addressing all of the....implications around those two. i really do not think they ran off to be together. i believe Rose is the first person Dirk has really connected with on a actual personal level. From what ive seen he does not really treat people as well... people. I think him and Rose are feeling the, “i am the only real person here and everyone else is a puppet” feeling John and Terezi was talking about. But unlike John, Dirk was never one to sit idly by, hes a mechanic after all. All the pieces have to be in place.

The whole bit with Cade and dirk taking control of the narrative was something i feel like has been building up for a long while. The unreliable narrator has been established a few times in the comic, in friendsim, and now in the epilogue. But it does raise a good question about who has been narrating the story and can they be trusted to give us the truth. We saw Dirk acknowledge that he is not unbiased and says things as he sees it. Cade says shes unbiased and just gives the whole truth but all i can think about is how she made Jane carefully cradle the juju and put it on the mantle. Watching Dirk outsmart Cade was defiently exciting to read. I cannot wait to see where all of this is leading to. 

Do i think thats the end of both of Davepetasprite^2 and Lord English? No, as the comic has always said,” Don’t turn your back on the body.” We dont know where they ended up but we’ll just have to wait for more to come out and i cant wait. Does Rose, Dirk, and Terezi (i guess) have an agenda, yes. Do i have any goddamn idea what that is? Nope, and im fine with that. Overall i enjoyed both of them.

[thelifetimechannel]

The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.  

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.