#(im just grateful we even HAVE ONE NOW)
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just received heart shattered news and now have to pull myself together and go to work in an hour..
#my dog just got back from the vet and they told us she is expected to live about 6 months to a year before she passes#she has a disease that closes her airway#we won’t let her suffer so we will have to put her down at the first signs of her quality of life decreasing#ugh grief for your pet who hasn’t even passed yet but will soon is so weird#im beyond grateful to have her with me now but i can’t help but feel so heartbroken#she’s my baby😔💔#and she is so healthy besides this stupid disease#ugh im so mad right now#apologies for my rant but this is one way i cope lol#let’s see if i can make it through my shift without breaking down#🙏🙏
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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having my Art Specialty be described as 'daddies' is technically not wrong but also its very hard to not scream when being told so to my face in the dorm lobby regardless. like im just supposed to accept that description with a smile and nod as if i dont know we aren't thinking of the same kind of daddy
#snap chats#HEEEEEELP#like its one thing to be told that online but right to my face where im looking professional and Not Terminally Online is a whole new thing#i went to watch spiderverse with my dormmate and her friend- the friend that wanted to comm me last week#and because our mutual friend fucking sucks dick at being on time we had to wait for her even tho she invited us ANYWAY--#last time she was looking to get one of her gal oc's drawn but then she went to look through my other art#and she really come back to me like 'ive noticed you draw really 'daddy' characters SO :))' and i heard NOTHING ELSE AFTER#LIKE. LIKE YEAH BY TECHNICALITY YOU ARE RIGHT. I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT DRAW FATHERS FOR FIVE MONTHS#god has it really been five months 🧍♂️#but anyway..... //screams// ive been profiled as a dilf specialist by someone at school i need to leave NOW#i thank god every day ive essentially stopped postin my saucier works cause THAT woulda been an even more awk convo#its just so funny cause i really havent drawn anything particularly 'attractive'. like im just drawin these dudes bein silly LMAO#im just grateful she doesnt have a twitter or tumblr so she doesnt see me post EVERYTHING in real time yk#anyway... im gonna stare at the wall until i relent and go to bed#spiderverse was great 8/8. its really funny that i've watched both spiderverses multiple times cause of school events LMAO#ok bye
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having a real Children are flowers who blossom when their growing conditions are met kind of work day
#this kid in my hebrew class is doing sooo well lately like with a little more 1:1 tutoring and making a friend hes leaps and bounds#where he was even like a month ago#and i feel so proud of him and also its crazy!#because i also had him as a camp counselor and he was without exaggeration one of the worst behaved children i have ever worked with#but we have a great relationship now and i always look forward to seeing him and i just feel very grateful#and other kids too but im just so proud of this kid :)
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Im cursing [REDACTED] right NOW
#god i better never have contact with this guy again or i might flip out on him#im about to ramble about my past “dating" adventures (we were casual but sheesh cant even be friends with this guy tbh)#im realizing months later how much this guy i used to talk to sucked#like DUDE be a better or stay single FOREVER (ΘдΘ)#and by that i mean learn how to better handle approaching others feelings!#god the way he would just shutdown others ppls feelings and it was just an endless loop of “that doesnt make sense” or “thats dumb”#sure emotions can be irrational but if someone is desperately TRYING to explain why they feel a way (even if theyre struggling to be clear)#maybe dont be so dismissive#like literally one time i was annoyed cause talking to him was grating on my nerves#and i was like ik it doesnt make sense so let me step away cause im annoyed#and hes like trying to logic me out of my annoyance???#like worstie im literally walking away so i can cool off#leave it be!#god looking back on all this....#i hope to god whoever hes talking to (if hes talking to anyone) isnt dealing with similar things#ppl can change so ill just hope for that#or maybe he'll meet his match#someone who reflects the same energy he has!#tho im not sure if hed like that haha#the guy seemed to have a lot of relationship problems in general (romantic and platonic) and i wanted to have the benefit of the doubt#but now im thinking maybe his personality was also just clashing with everyone elses#which isnt necessarily a bad thing on its own#gotta get context for everything u know#but in this case....naur#like im a pretty anxious person so how ppl i care about will react to what im doing or saying is constantly at the back of my mind!#so ppl who just come off as flippant about my fee fees annoy me fr#im like “ahh what if i upset so and so” constantly#trying to make sure not to make things harder for them#and they cant even spare me a single thought before doing something and dismiss me when i get upset#but also they wanna come to me when theyre feeling sad about something???
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yk every time i see a post about somebody wishing bad things on another person i think ‘dirt-strider to kiryu’ you’ve broken me brain
You see a post thats like i want to stick him in time prison so that he gets so bored he starts breaking his own bones to get even a hint of stimulation and its tagged me at kiryu and you scroll down and its a post thats like i want to feed him chips from my cupped hands like a wild stallion and its also tagged me at kiryu also hiiiiiiiii
#Thanks for the ask !#i wont lie to you i want to do yo kiryu what they did to the family in reddot story the pancake family#his life is a bit too easy i want to give him more obstacles thats why im kidnapping him and breaking my little prince’s ankles and#releasing him in a forest in another country altogether and he has to survive with his injuries until they heal and they will heal wrong and#it will forever hurt to walk now and also when he sees another human being now he will always flinch and he has nightmares every night about#being feverish and starving to death and years into his recovery i meet him again and invite him to watch a movie with me but when i put the#tape in its actually just a highlight reel of his time in the wilderness and he gets scared but he cant move and its because i gave him some#tea earlier and oh this ? its laced with drugs. and he sits blearily beside me and im holding his head up so he watches the screen and he#recalls every terrible thing thats happened to him i put the tv on full volume so he can relive the leaves and twigs cracking under his#hands and knees as hes dragging himself across the forest floor and and his clipped shouts of pain whenever his broken bones catch on a root#and his enraged screaming as he grapples foxes and coyotes that are trying to scavenge the food he painstakingly gathered and he can listen#to the way his voice devolves into something unrecognisable and hes wondering how i got this footage but then he realises this scene is#familiar hes on his last legs and he hears footsteps approach not those of an animal but of a person. he looks at the screen and he sees his#own face staring into the camera wild eyed and filthy and that on the other side of the camera is the hitchhiker who ‘found’ him and he#realises it was me who did this. i could have rescued him at any time the gratefulness he feels to that kind samaritan curdles in his chest#it comes with the withering realisation it was all a game and the one who put him through it all was right beside him and i laugh and put my#hand around his shoulder and ask if he liked the movie and he fights his paralysis and he grips me by the neck and throws me to the ground#and he says you .. you ... and i frown apologetically and say That bad huh ? well we can put on another. and he cant even say words anymore#hes so angry that he grips my neck and he strangles me and the whole time my face gets purple im laughing and laughing and laughing at him#anyway thats one of my greatest fantasies its a fantasy because i couldnt do that to the poor guy im not that mean but i do want him to kill#me and for me to deserve it. very important that i started this fight and that he ends it thats what i want to have ... and also to like#cuddle and stuff ... because i like him ...
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some of u r really weird about mcr5 and dunes
#im an mcr5 truther but im also like. patient#one song after a decade of nothing is more than enough for me personally#n to be weird about dunes because of this is really just. annoying?#i get hyperbole is the language of this site but its also like. take a fucking breather dude#frank is allowed to like. have friends he records with that arent mcr#n then with the fact that someone important to them passed recently#its just really weird. get a grip.#this isnt as nicely toned as id usually make it simply bc i am tired n annoyed n fresh out of an anxiety attack so my apologies#local man with dunes tattoo says dunes isnt that bad actually. more at seven#n for the beginning of my tags im not implying im better than anyone who isnt patient or is missing mcr but its really just mind boggling#we got an entire tour and a new song n live debuts of songs never heard before n im grateful#if mcr never makes something ever again then thats completely fine for me. bc what we got was way more than we could even imagine.#anyway. im gna be quiet now no one cares about me ranting at one AM DNDNDN#blabs#also this isnt directed at anyone in particular its just a general like. observation of how a lot of people are.#if you're my friend n you dont like dunes thats fine n i love you !#its mainly just. people who r weird and rude about it
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Today in My Life: wE {FINALLY} GOT A WHEELCHAIR!!!!!
#koushirouizumi personal#koushirouizumi health#koushirouizumi posts#koushirouizumi fam#koushirouizumi chatter#(OK Its Mainly For Dad)#(BUT)#(Dad needs it for mainly around our place)#(Im the type who would need it walking long distances or for standing in long lines outside if not inside)#({or getting out of our place in general})#(So we can alternate!!!)#(im just grateful we even HAVE ONE NOW)#(And this was through our INSURANCE just FYI)#(ANYWAY TODAY STARTED GOOD)
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Babey feed us more art or 🔫🔫🔫🔫😡
DON'T WORRY DY IM COMING BACK TO SERVE SOME ART TO YOU BEBS. I ALREADY GOT LIKE 4 OR 5 THINGS COOKING UP!! IVE ALSO BEEN BUSY BUT I'LL GET TO IT!!
#i have this one drawing of gun that im working on currently and my problem is that im still struggling to figure out#what coloring style i want to do#CUZ LIKE THE CUTE ONES WHERE ITS SIMPLISTIC BUT I ALSO LIKE GHE SEMIREALISTIC COLORING STYLE AS WELL#i didnt expect my Gun drawing to get so much love so now im just like *scratches head* whatever i post from now on isnt gonna measure up to#it but im always gonna be grateful for the love you guys always give me so thank you!!🙇🏽♀️#LIKE I REALLY DIDNT EXPECT MY DRAWING TO HIT EVEN 100 NOTES - LET ALONE OVER 300?? LIKE WHAT??#i wanna do smth special#maybe i should color it in🤔🤔🤔 but again i suck at coloring things in so we shall see#darling dy💙#li li's asks💬#li li speaks💬
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Painted my nails. Shit camera is shit so u can't see the sparkles well, but it's my magnetic green nail polish. Something a bit on the subtle side for a funeral :p I wanted to go black but. Not pure black.
It's a "celebration of life", as they're calling it. We're not going there to be depressed. We're going there to remember the man we all lost. And he would've Loved for me to have a little fun with it.
#speculation nation#nails shit#im not exactly enthusiastic about tomorrow. not the least of it being the fact that i cant run from my grief if im surrounded by it#but theres... a lot family drama around. some i hadnt even heard about b4 today haha#so we are just hoping that there wont be any Incidents.#never am i more grateful for my reputation of being a wallflower than i am now#me simply being there is a testament to my care. and they see that.#if necessary i may or may not just... fade into the background. i dont know. i can never predict this shit.#with my grandma's funeral i was downright peppy. in a way that threw a few people off.#especially since i was one of the handful of ppl speaking that day#dont know what possessed me to volunteer for public speaking. i was always pretty close with her tho#wanted to do it for her. not exactly jumping at the chance to be Emotionally Vulnerable in front of a crowd again#but i dont regret it.#ive been oscillating wildly between manic and depressive for Weeks now. so i have no idea what im gonna land on tomorrow.#either im happy being around family and end up peppy and social. or im depressed by the situation and end up quiet.#maybe both. who knows. i sure fuckin dont.#im gonna wear a dress for the first time in years and im Not fucking shaving my legs. i think im gonna wear tights or smth. might as well.#sigh. i dont like being so familiar with funerals.#i dont like being so familiar with death.#i hope i get at least a few years between this and the next death i experience. pleeaaaase haha#5 deaths in 5 years. i dont like it one bit.#negative/#i guess.
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went through my absolutely shameful stacks of library checkouts to pull out anything I knew for sure was way overdue and there was only 14 so I'm not as embarrassed as I expected to be
#i literally check my account almost every day to see what is due and i even write it down and then i get home and immediately forget#then i get leave for work the next day and remember of course#and this goes on for literal weeks unfortunately lmao im a terrible library employee#oh but i see you random former library patron who checked out a book and then completely forgot about it and is now scared to return#we do it too. most of my friends have no less than 25 itsms out a time and half are overdue lmfao#no one will judge you we'll just be grateful to have the book‚ and more importantly you‚ back :)
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various witch stuff of the day or whatever the heck
#witch hat tag#orufrey#uhh yeah just getting some stuff out of the way haha i like the first one tho. i drew something that scares me#iguin must have been involved in qifrey's thing somehow. The Lidless eye..the sight of the world..i mean i think [redacted]#and he'll be [redacted] and [redacted] will be forced to... [redacted]???!?!!?#I want to keep my theories to myself.......or do i. not being a fandom person (other than dropping my art and leaving) means i just..#combust inside by myself with ideas and FEARS FOR THAT MAN.....CAN SOMEONE HELP HIM IM SO WORRIED IM SO...#CAN YOU LET SOMEONE HELP YOU#apparently tetia's expression in the last one is hard to understand =.= she's emotional bc she cant believe they remembered#the twin hat idea. and that she's so happy. i was thinking about how she was probably qif's first pupil so there must have been a time#where it was just her qif and oru... i DO think she is hinted strongly to be trans but even if not her mystery background is probably so sad#why would qifrey even become a teacher? his goal was the brimhats. but he keeps being distracted by kids with problem pasts so#he must have only been drawn to help tetia out of a deep sympathy. it seems at that point he and oru had drifted apart#did oru decide to be his watchful eye hearing about that or did qifrey ask him? he thought that qif had given up on brimhat stuff so..#*mumble mumble* lately i also keep remembering oru saying something UNREAL in kitchen like 'we're finally living under the same roof' ????#you can't just say that. what on earth. i..... whatever. i haven't even processed like 20% of my potential emotions about them#i feel so weirdly emotional today. i stopped thinking about witch hat for zuka even tho im SO hyperfixated it is genuinely PAINFUL to stop#i stopped just long enough to watch gatsby raku.... my haachan#i'm so grateful right now that i dont have any big issues in my life rn so i can get worried about manga men and sad about actors retiring#today at least i am extremely grateful. living and being alive is so so so so weird. i hope we all make it
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infuriated outraged upset boss in the building on a saturday . at the DESK on a saturday. observed and overseen . in the panopticon and i dont even have a little coffee drink
#it's not a big deal it's JUST. that this was the one time i was actually looking forward to having the desk alone all day#brought some crocheting in case it was slow#was going to alternate between Something Fun and Something Work (have to do my donations list again)#and now i can't even do sommething fun in between. because i only bring crochet on days when i have the desk alone#and it's like. we had performance reviews in august. and mine was very harsh and critical UNTIL i told him like#what a year it's been for me mental health wise and hten he was like ok well disregard all that stuff i said on the first review#but i can't. because it was so very 'lazy unmotivated not present slacking off not interested in your job' and it was a) humiliating#b) terrifying#because it's true! i dont like my job a lot of the time it's tedious! and i get frusturated easily! and some of that has to do w#my mental health. but some of it is just true#and it's humiliating to have your flaws pointed out to you by someone who has the power to fire you#like im aware of what you DID think about me before i gave you some sob story about how hard my life is#so essentially that is what you actually think. that's the important part . is what you were GOING to say#we were friends for like three years and i guess i was naive to assume that things could stay the same like#after he got the director's job#like you just can't go for drinks with a person who has the power to scold you like a child#and maybe i'm the one being pissy and immature. i know i am. i should be grateful to have a job at all#but i just do not take criticism well and so ive just realized that i can't spend any time around him longer than five minutes#without feeling infuriated and impotent and fucking WATCHED#like i'm being dramatic whatever. i'm just being dramatic. but i used to be able to relax and complain about work w this guy#and now i can't. and it's both sad and makes me anxious
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#i didn't expect to spend an otherwise pleasant but exhausting week watching another round of who can be the biggest American Fascist#but did i leave work early today from the building anxiety attack over the situations in Nashville and Florida? yes i did#im grateful to have found news sources that arent just covering the clown's eventual trial but im very bad at self regulation#and TN is having the expulsion vote today amongst 29 bills that need to be voted on so its a lot to follow#the Florida 'using cops to abduct the child of a political opponent' is a different level of horror im not even beginning to process#tbd im just not coping well with the state of affairs for every moment of good news theres days of bad#and then theres the abuse case report being released here in Baltimore which is a whole other can of worms 👀#this feels like one of those hitchhikers guide Thursdays jfc#and then theres the extra dirt on clarence thomas like hes shit we knew that but now its even more proven hes taken bribes for 20 yrs#i want to day drink for the next 24 hours and turn my brain off and simultaneously rage#but im at minimum eight hours away and disabled
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i think i'm becoming immune to being cringe because i have animatronics in this brain now apparently
#i dont even enjoy/engage w the source material help. i was just looking at fun art and read a few posts and now they are here. im so hsdgjkl#girl help i have robots in my brain /hj#me a few months ago: no i dont think we'll ever have fictives lol probably not introjects at all. idk it just doesnt happen#me now: oh okay. three fictives. coolcoolcool#we already went thru the crisis though of having one appear like two months ago so i am trying to take this in stride#but golly gee. im so............. how!#they are ACTUALLY HELPFUL THOUGH LIKE. most new splits that happen are not very helpful overall to our functioning#they usually just end up being traumaholders or symptom holders#but these two are like... actively helping instead of just passively (very grateful for those who help passively ofc)#I WILL SAY. the first fictive is also v helpful as well. he cleans a lot#which is... immensely helpful bc i am not good at cleaning lately fsdjkl too tired#okay anyways if you got this far hi lol i would give u a prize but i dont have anything fdsjkl#roundtable stuff#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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god everything sucks so bad right now
#big BIG vent in the tags heed the warning#cw pet loss#i don't even know where to start actually#im just a mess right now and i haven't even been able to say or type or think too hard about. the most important thing#god this sucks#my cat bunny. the one who's really nervous around everyone but trusts me. my girl#she hasn't been acting quite right lately so my mom took her to the vet and they say she has spinal cancer#and there's nothing we can do#and it's progressing really fast#she was fine just a few days before i left for college this semester#i haven't seen her in a month. month and a half#and now im going home for the weekend as an emergency visit and it's the last time i'll get to be with her.#this week has been fucking horrible it's midterms and i haven't been able to focus or study or think#im almost grateful ive been so busy with assignments because everytime i don't have anything i Have to do i breakdown#i had to ask one of my professors for an extension because im a wreck right now and he seemed like he almost didn't believe me too#he was like 'wellllll if it's an emergencyyy 😒'#sir i put my shirt on backwards and didn't notice literally all day i cannot write a fucking midterm essay like this#and i can't really talk about any of this either bc im always aware that if i kill the vibe too much people won't want to hang out with me#and just to make things a little bit worse i keep seeing people adopting cats or posting that theirs just had kittens everywhere#im just so upset. bunny is the most important thing in the world to me#in my worst moments when ive needed something to get me through it the fact that i can't leave her alone has been at the top of the list#i don't know how im gonna be able to be home without her#i fucking hate this#sorry for doomer posting go do something uplifting#delete later
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