#(only the fictional ones. the irl men drain me)

[ecstasyhighway]

YOU & I | an ellie williams fanfic series

this is a fic that will be posted and mostly updated on wattpad @ecstasyhighway this ff is heavily based off of you the netflix show and inspired by a ff on here which i cannot remember who wrote it but if yk lmk so i can give proper credit.

there is not smut in this little part here but its a filthy ah fic that will become darker as it goes on.

MEN DNI - 16+ i fear (im 17 so if u feel uncomfortable reading from a minor who will be 18 at the end of the year then u dont have to read this i really dgaf.)

ch 1 ch 2

silly story and more ff info under the cut

Ellie had seen you walking around the music store she worked at... her attention automatically shifted from the customer in front of her to you. Your hair, your curves, your eyes. Everything about you was just...

"hello? did you hear me?" the woman raised her voice slightly to get her attention,

Ellie snapped out of her thoughts and focused on the clearly irritated woman in front of her.

"yea my bad, what was that..?"

The lady rolled her eyes and started asking questions about guitar lessons for her son or daughter or some shit, she wasnt really paying attention to the nonsense floating from her mouth.

"yeah, im not the one you go to about that, uhhh my buddy Jesse is in the back, he can help you"

"thanks" and with that, she headed towards the back, muttering words under her breath.

Ellie's attention quickly turned back towards you. She examines you closely. Watching you grab a vinyl from the shelf, Call Me If You Get Lost, is what you had grabbed. Ellie wants to walk over to you, and talk to you but shes scared. What if she says the wrong thing? What if she freaks you out? What if you think shes a weirdo.. She turns away to stop looking at you, her cheeks are red and shes shaking, she is just so nervous and she's not even planning on talking to you... She puts her face in her hands and begins to calm herself down.

"Hi! hello"

A voice chimes from behind her, she turns around and a lump forms in her throat.

Its... you.

———————————————————————————

YOU & I | ellie williams.

this is a DARK fanfic. Based heavily off of the show you on netflix and inspired by a fanfic I saw on tumblr. This story has adult themes, sexual themes, stalking, thoughts of killing (no actual killing just thoughts), themes of hate, ellie has slight mental issues (obv shes stalking) age gaps (only 3 years and they're adults). idgaf how old u are this is dark and you have been warned, i am not responsible for any type of reaction you may have to this as ive given you a warning. I will give warnings at the beginning of chapters that might be too dark. again you have been warned.

important - ellie might be a tad ooc, shy!ellie, switch!ellie if you squint. this is a lesbian ff.

MEN DNI I WILL FIND YOU.

reader is afab and 20

ellie is 23

modern au

jessie, dina, joel, tommy, maria, most of the main tlou cast is in this (not everyone will be mentioned or even really have a place in the story, just know they are present)

based in New York (obv)

i am not a professional writer, im simply a girl who writes shit when shes bored, do not expect me to have an upload schedule. I get drained v fast and i want to enjoy writing, its not a job with deadlines. so with that my grammar might be bad, spelling might be ass and if there is any math it will probably be wrong, it might be written in third, or first person i be fuckin up with that but yall will be fine.

YOU & I | ellie williams.

story created and written by @ecstasyhighway

tlou and the characters belongs to Neil Druckmann and Naughty Dog

the story of "YOU" belongs to Netflix

Story was ib by a ff i saw breifly but i don't remember who wrote it so, if yk pls lmk so i can give proper credit

THIS IS FICTION. DO NOT DO THIS SHIT IRL BRUH ITS ACTUALLY WEIRD ASF. AGAIN THIS IS PURELY FICTIONAL. thank yew

uhhhh yeah enjoy ig and i do appreciate any supportive criticism as i am not a professional writer and shit could just be wrong.

also im new to tumblr fanfic writing so yeah 😭.

[salamoonder]

long thought that probably no one’s gonna read but like

i recently started listening to critical role again and. hmm.

caleb widogast is the kind of character who i only allow myself to have a crush on because he’s fictional. it used to be that that was my only “type” (mostly back when i thought i was straight) but now it’s just a kind of person that i try to block out of my everyday life, i guess?

like i see this character who is a whole ass mess, emotionally, physically, and the maternal instincts (or learned, ingrained behavior that come from being the eldest afab child in a family with five children) kicks in and i want to physically and forcibly take care of him forever. like i want to get him a shower and actual nice clothes and decent food and a stable home and the kind of emotional support that drains the life out of me personally but that i hardly even notice giving until i’m emotionally dead myself

there are people that make me want to drain myself of every last drop of life just to take care of them, and this has been said before in smarter ways by smarter people, but there is something both hopeful and sinister in the way that this culture tells women (and afab people) that they should treat the men in their relationships.

and yeah it’s really nice for me to indulge in that idea, fictionally--of taking someone out of the absolute darkest part of their life and pouring literally all my energy into making them a happier, healthier, safer, better person--but i used to actually do that with irl people and what happens is that you either get used up and thrown out when you weren’t interesting anymore or didn’t want to indulge in their darker habits, or you become all of someone’s support and the weight of their happiness falls squarely on your shoulders, and even if you feel like you’re dying while you’re doing it, you pull them out of that hole, and if you do your job right--they get better, and they don’t need you, and they realize that putting all of their needs onto one person isn’t sustainable (and maybe you even taught them that) and they leave you because they get better

anyway it freaks me out, how much that felt like an actual drug when i was younger, like something i absolutely needed--i would’ve told you i really wanted a boyfriend, but i did not, i wanted a parasite, and unfortunately i got several

[hellreads]

Chapters: 8/8 Fandom: 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster/Reader Characters: Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster Additional Tags: Angst, Romance, Drama, Fluff, Smut, Slow Burn

Summary:

You are betrothed to Kim Namjoon, the heir of a real estate mogul. To say that it was a fairytale romance would be erroneous. You’re instead loped in the sad tale of the rich and melancholy.

I am lost for words once again, this is such a beautifully written story, I have immersed once again into the role of a beautifully awkward woman who’s betrothed to Kim Namjoon.

what is love? how do you know it’s love? how do you know you’re in love? those were the questions I asked myself while reading this and wondering if all of this was worth it because I am fully aware of how beautiful love is, it’s one of the best feelings one could ever have, but it can also crush your heart to pieces because when you love someone you can’t just choose happiness then leave when you feel like everything’s too much, you have to take everything in, face the beautiful melody and the eerily haunting ones too and I applaud our MC here for loving with all her heart even if it’s painfully obvious that she got the short end of the stick and has to work her way to the top in order for things to work because even if all of this was just a farce she wanted to try, she wanted this to work because she wants to love and be loved. 

I applaud op for writing such an amazing story her inspiration to write it made it hurt more because I have seen What Happened in Bali when it was released but I was too young back then to understand the dynamics of their relationship all I know was Jo In Sung was my type hjsdfgjsgdfjksd anyway be informed that this is a slow burn story if you can’t handle too much tension and build-up you might find this bland at first but you really should give it a read (especially if you’re after the smut because it’s worth the wait I promise) op made sure we know everyone’s backstory, I’m satisfied she chose that path in unraveling this equally beautiful and heartbreaking story, to be in MC’s shoes I would lose my mind, I’m a creature made to love so if I’d be set-up to marry someone for money, I won’t have the heart to fight my parents so just like her I would try, but with their set-up, Namjoon obviously just an empty shell drained by his former love who still owned his heart is painful, how can you try when his heart belongs to someone else? it’s frustrating and I would walk away just keep up the act for the press and leave once the contract expires.

the characters here are written as if they actually exist as if this was based on true events, tbh I hated all of them at some point even the MC (but my love for her was greater so I won’t elaborate on that one), but I’m starting (I'll be talking as if she was actually me because I literally absorbed and immersed all of her beautiful fucking pain) with the person I hated the most aka Namjoon, you literally crushed me and my hopes in some parts baby, it kinda hurt seeing photos of you in my dash after reading those parts that made me hate bits and pieces of you, but what I hate the most is that I can’t dare to fucking hate you with all I have because you are you, it was a lost cause to even try because I was too immersed and I loved you too much to just fucking flip and walk away from you, though I did pray for you to suffer longer, but you have suffered long enough from women who kept on taking parts of you with them, I am here to pour all of me onto you and fill you with love and heal until you’re you again, the Namjoon that got whipped for me at some point, the Namjoon that whipped me, the Namjoon that fate bestowed upon me with a challenge, the Namjoon I learned to love and spend forever with. Sana, I hated you from the beginning until the end, you were you and I would never fill the hole you left in his heart, but did you really have to hurt me and smack to my face how immaculate you are? you have good intentions and you were mature and I’m nothing but a petty mess but this is me, I wanted to love him in hopes he’d learn to love me too but you keep getting in the way, tbh I never like the friendship you offered, nor the projects you were proposing, it was for a cause but I am petty insecure mess and I see you as a threat, I saw you as a sly snake who would bite me with venom if you fail to make me pliant to your requests, but I trusted Namjoon though it was uncomfortable (I’m not comfy with it because it happened to me before and I happen to have a shitty memory of it so I’m not willing to do it all over again) but op was right, she wrote you in a way people would find it hard to hate you, I felt that way but my petty side got the best of me. Chairman Kim Je-Dong, I hated you for taking Namjoon away from me when I still had no clue as to why it happened that way, and the moments interrupted but I love and respect you with all my heart father, because if it weren’t for your advice I wouldn’t be this happy, thank you. I think the rest of my hate-spree were petty lol, so I’ll stop here now.

what I’m trying to say is this story greatly affected me, I have never felt so livid and bursting with tears at a fictional argument, it freakin’ ripped my heart to shreds, I was a crying mess during the fight, I felt like this was it, it’s the end, but they just needed to be petty and take a break from each other, I only fully understood their pain as soon as MC started to retaliate, both have their valid points this is why they should’ve remained honest with each other, honest about digging his past, and knowing him thru that small gift and be honest and not make any promises you can’t keep for fucks sake their marriage is painfully accurate because it happens irl, men slaves to their work to make a living, women either work or take care of the house and kids if they have any, and not everyone has the time to address the issue until everything is falling apart, and irreparable. I have fallen head over heels in love forgetting about the fact that this was all for show, they were a perfect match if you ask me, I keep getting butterflies in my stomach, they literally made me believe in the process of falling in love, it wasn’t rushed at all and their cute date moments made my heart combust, what more could I ask for? and when he knew that this was it god those moments crushed me and made me a really sad ball of floof covered in salty tears, all emotions were just so intense even the dramatic moments that tested me and probably everyone out, the hospital scene, the park scene, the villa scene, all of it making my heart hurt so much I cry. the smut took a while before we got what we all were thirsty for but it was so worth it, even if it dragged for quite some time I couldn’t complain because he did make up for it and it was all good. 

in short this fic teaches us to be open, honest and loving, open your eyes and your heart for a new love, if you’ve been hurt before don’t close your doors happiness doesn’t happen once, sure somebody made you happy before but eventually had the heart to hurt you but your happiness doesn’t end there, let someone enter your life and make you feel happy once again. be honest and communicative about everything with your lover, talk about your feelings, your concerns, things about your day, food you ate, conversations you had, deals you closed, people you encountered, small talk matters in any relationship, hell you can even talk about potatoes and it would assure your lover you still care but never lie about anything because people can see through us especially when you love someone it’s much easier to decipher their emotions even if we don’t want to accept it if it’s not a pleasant one. be loving, don’t let your past harden your heart, love, again and again, and again if you must, because that’s probably the only salvation we’ll get in this hellhole. again op thank you for this masterpiece these words may not get to you but I hope wherever you are, you are doing good and know that you are amazing! | 🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 58 - 60

 I’m back and ready to dive into hell again

Kaltain Rompier had just turned the tide in this war. Dorian had never been more ashamed of himself. He should have been better. Should have seen better. They all should have.

Many chapters ago I would have defended you... but yeah, no, you’re an asshole Dorito.

There was no Lock. Not in the way that they had expected, not in the way the queen had been promised and instructed to find it.

So yeah, no cigar. Given there’s still quite a few chapters left, I didn’t expect it to be this easy.

Instead of a Lock, inside there is instead a witch mirror, which are very powerful, Manon explains.

Finally, the witch said, “They’ve been making towers. Enormous, yet capable of being hauled across battlefields, lined with those mirrors. For Erawan to use with his powers—to incinerate your armies in a few blasts.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ARE YOU SHITTING ME

ERAWAN’S SECRET ULTIMATE WEAPON IS SOME WALKING TOWERS WITH FUCKING MIRRORS ON THEM

HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS ALMOST AS FUNNY AS THE BATHTUB CAULDRON FROM AC0WAR KDHAFJKHKJFHKHKD YOU'RE KILLING ME SJM

[Aelin’s] magic was exhausted. For the first time in days, that pit of magic now slumbered. She could sleep for a week. A month.

Maybe you shouldn’t have been a dumbass and wasted it all on showing off and shitting glitter out your ass then, Alien.

Anyways some ships and a small army roll up to the marshes. Everyone understandably freaks out but Alien seems weirdly calm?

The soldiers were in heavy, worn gray armor, their faces rough and scarred, sizing them up as they hit the sand. Fenrys snarled at one of them, and the man averted his eyes. But the cloaked woman removed her hood as she approached with feline grace, halting perhaps ten feet away. Aelin knew every detail about her.

Huh, weird, she kinda sounds like-

That full mouth slanted into a half grin as Ansel of Briarcliff, Queen of the Wastes, drawled, “Who gave you permission to use my name in pit fights, Aelin?”

Wait......... what the fuck.

Ansel. As in, Ansel from the prequel novella. As in, a character who was not in the main series is now playing a major role in this series plot.

I’m..... tired. Not gonna complain. Just know it’s dumb and I hate it, because not everyone has read the short stories and I shouldn’t have to pay extra to understand your main plot, SJM!

Next chapter establishes that Ansel is indeed a queen. Fuckin’ great, because nobody can not be royalty in this godforsaken series.

No sign of Abraxos. Manon scanned the skies, the fleet, the seas. Not a scale to be found.

SJM, ABRAXOS BETTER BE OKAY I SWEAR TO GOD

Ansel is here because Alien used her name in the fighting pits in the previous novel.

Dorian staggered forward a step at Ansel’s words, and the Queen of the Wastes gave him a look that said she’d like to pillage him.

Yuck. Can you assholes not be horny for once in your life.

Aedion didn’t know who to be more furious with: Aelin, for not telling him about Ansel of Briarcliff and the gods-damned army she’d quietly ordered to sack Melisande and seize its fleet, or himself, for not trusting her.

Jesus fucking christ, I can’t believe I’m about to defend Assdion, but you have no reason to trust Alien! She schemes and plans behinds everyone’s backs and doesn’t tell you of her plans so she can rub it in your faces after you yell at her! Alien is the embodiment of all my pet peeves in people jkdhjkshfja

[Aedion] tried not to bristle. He was [Aelin’s] general-prince. Rowan was her consort —or close enough to it. And yet she had not entrusted them with this.

I think SJM wants us to see Assdion as unreasonable, but he’s right! They’re Alien’s fucking court and she won’t trust any of them with her plans but oh, since it works out in the end it turns out she’s the best queen evah!!!11 Fucking eat my ass SJM.

Lysandra ran a finger down the smooth wood of the railing. “I thought … It all seemed a grand adventure. Even when the danger was so horrible, it was still new, and I was no longer caged in dresses and bedrooms. But that day in Skull’s Bay, it stopped being any of that. It started being … survival. And some of us might not make it.”

>implying SJM would ever dare to kill one of her darling main characters

Assdion and Lysandra talk about loss and dying or something then they talk about whatever their relationship is.

Lysandra indeed went on the defensive and showed her hand. “I know my history is … unappealing.” “I’m going to stop you right there,” Aedion said, daring a step closer. “And I’m going to tell you that there is nothing unappealing about you. Nothing. I’ve been with just as many people. Women, men … I’ve seen and tried it all.”

ok but like.. Lysandra is talking about being a courtesan, Assdion is talking about being bisexual. Those two are... completely different things. Why would Assdion compare his bisexuality to being a courtesan...... maybe I’m reading too much into this but I’m bisexual and this kinda makes me uncomfortable....

Also of course the only bisexual character in the cast is a slut shaming asshole so I can’t even stan him. Ungh. I hc Manon as lesbian and Darrow is canon gay, so I’m gonna say Gav is bisexual and stan him. SJM can catch these hands.

Aedion shrugged. “I find pleasure in both, depending on my mood and the person.” One of his former lovers still remained one of his closest friends—and most skilled commanders in his Bane.

If Assion wasn’t a dick, I’d ship it. Also, ten bucks says nameless gay Bane commander will die for Assdion’s pain.

Lysandra agrees that they should be honest with each other and Assdion gets a boner at the thought of her mouth then the chapter ends. Riveting. That served no purpose other than to make all the bisexuals reading this squirm uncomfortably.

Next chapter begins with Ansel and Alien drinking and I can already tell there’s gonna be plenty of dumb banter.

“It’d be nice,” Aedion grumbled from down the table, where he and Rowan glared at them, “to be included in just one of these schemes, Aelin.” “But your faces are so wonderful when I get to reveal them,” Aelin crooned. He and Rowan growled. Oh, she knew they were pissed. So pissed that she hadn’t told them about Ansel. But the thought of disappointing them, of failing … She’d wanted to do this on her own.

Does SJM even read the shit she writes? Let’s dissect this.

1. Rowboat and Assdion are portrayed as nosy assholes for wanting to... be involved in their queen’s plans? You know, the queen they’ve sworn to serve? THE QUEEN WHO PUT THEM IN HER COURT.

2. Stop describing them as “pissed” they’re goddamn Fae for god’s sake

3. Oh, so Alien is scared of disappointing them, so it’s okay she lies to her own people and court?? Like how does SJM see this as a woman capable of being a queen? She lies all the goddamn time!!!! A queen is not supposed to hide this important shit from her own goddamn court!!! Just because she feels sorry about it doesn’t make it okay gdi!!!! I want Alien to fucking rot in hell!!!!!

“I want you to find me the lost Crochan witches.” Manon jerked upright. “What.”

Yeah, so now Alien wants to raise a witch army. Manon is understandably like “what the fuck” but of course, she is shot down to raise Alien up. Fuck you, SJM.

“They’re all gone,” Manon cut in again. “We’ve hunted them to near extinction.” Aelin slowly looked over a shoulder. “What if their queen summoned them?” “I am no more their queen than you are.”

Manon says this, but SJM has been parading her around almost this entire novel as a queen despite not having any land, titles, armies, whatever. Also, why does every single species have monarchies? Wouldn’t it make more sense for some of them to have different ruling systems?

“I think Erawan was probably born pissed.”

God Ansel is Alien 2.0 isn’t she...

It was no surprise at all that Ansel had managed to hold on to Hisli, the Asterion mare she’d stolen for herself. But Kasida—oh, Kasida was just as beautiful as Aelin remembered, even more so once she’d been led over a gangway onto the ship. Aelin had brushed the mare down when she’d led her into the cramped, wet stables, and bribed the horse to forgive her with an apple.

Alien can eat my ass but this is cute........ I don’t like or trust horses irl, but I like them in fiction where I don’t have to be next to them. Don’t @ me horse lovers.

Ansel splooges about how Alien didn’t kill her back in the desert and how noble and uhmazing that makes Alien. Deep breaths. Deeeep breaths. I can do this.

“We got a report that Fae soldiers were spied starting them. Firing from ships.” “Maeve,” Gavriel murmured. “But burning isn’t her style.” “It’s mine,” Aelin said. They all looked at her. She let out a humorless laugh.

Alien’s really out here making jokes when innocent country sides have been set on fire because of her, huh..... yeah, I can totally tell the deaths of innocent people are really eating her up, what a sympathetic character!

Later, Alien and Rowboat are going over strategies in private and... oh god. Oh my god. It’s this scene. This one page drained so much life and happiness out of me I think I need more therapy.

Aelin scanned the sprawl of the world, which had once seemed so vast and now, at her feet, seemed so … fragile. So small and breakable. “You could, you know,” Rowan said, his tattoo stark in the lantern light. “Take it for yourself. Take it all. Use Maeve’s bullshit maneuvers against her. Make good on that promise.”

“bullshit maneuvers” jhdahfjafh I’d complain about the writing but that is nothing compared to this implication of Alien being a fucking conqueror. If she was supposed to be a villain or morally grey then maybe, but SJM keeps hailing her as the best morally right queen evah, but then has her think about conquering the goddamn world.

“And would you join me if I did? If I turned conqueror?” “You would unify, not pillage and burn. And yes—to whatever end.” “That’s the threat, isn’t it?” she mused.

OHHH, OH OKAY. WELL THAT MAKES IT OKAY THEN.

NO FUCK YOU. Doesn’t matter what your reason is for conquering is, it’s a goddamn bad thing to do!! You’re attacking and invading other countries resulting in thousands of deaths in order to yank control out of their hands like wtf!!!!! ALIEN WAS A SLAVE IN THE SALT MINES SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

This is shit that FASCISTS would say. And Alien is supposed to be the morally sound protagonist that little girls can look up to. Holy fucking shit.

“But if you could … would you?” For a heartbeat, she could see it—see her face, carved into statues in kingdoms so far away they did not even know Terrasen existed.

You know who else did shit like this?

Ozai from ATLA. You know, a fucking Fascist villain who wiped out an entire culture of Airbenders and planned to conquer the whole world to rule with an iron fist.

This is your protagonist, SJM. YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD THING TO ASPIRE TO BE. How the fuck was this book published I am so goddamn mad.

“Perhaps if being queen bores me … I’ll think about making myself empress. To give my offspring not one kingdom to inherit, but as many as the stars.” There was no harm in saying it, anyway. In thinking about it, stupid and useless as it was. Even if wondering about the possibilities … perhaps it made her no better than Maeve or Erawan.

DFJAKLJFDLKAJFLKAJSKF

1. I love how Alien’s quote is supposed to be ~epic and uhmayzing~ when it’s about her fucking conquering all of the world’s countries to give to her kids, who may very well follow in her footsteps and be fascist assholes as well. I pray to god that Alien or Rowboat kicks the fucking bucket before they can have kids.

2.How could you be bored of being queen.... you know that’s like, a huge responsibility??? SJM literally knows nothing about monarchies and did no research outside of watching old Disney princess movies.

3. “no harm in saying it” OP is a fascist but go off I guess

4. “perhaps it made her no better than Maeve or Erawan” no bitch you’re worse than them at this point holy fucking shit!!!! At least no one is out here stanning them despite them wanting to conquer and kill innocent people like you!! Holy fucking shit this novel!!

Rowan dragged a hand through his hair. “Sometimes I wish I knew every thought in that head, each scheme and plot. Then I remember how much it delights me when you reveal it—usually when it’s most likely to make my heart stop dead in my chest.”

Yeah never mind me defending you because Alien is a dumbass, you’re a fucking awful person too. Both of you can fucking drown for all I care.

Next up is Manon’s POV.

Abraxos should have been here already. [Manon] shut out the coiling dread in her stomach. But instead of wings, footsteps creaked in the hall outside. A heartbeat later, the door opened on near-silent hinges, then shut again. Locked.

Oh, fuck you SJM, teasing me with a Manon and Abraxos reunion only to give me dumb Dorito/Manon shit. Fuck. Yo.

You don’t have chains anymore.” She sat up at that, examining where the irons draped down the wall. “Is it more enticing for you if they’re on?” Sapphire eyes seemed to glow in the dark as he leaned against the shut door. “Sometimes it is.”

Gross. I’ve never been disgusted reading Manon’s POV before, but... it’s starting to rub off on her. Please SJM, don’t taint her, she is one of the few good things I have to cling to in this massive pile of shit.

She let Dorian back her against the wall. Let him hold her gaze while he tugged the top laces of her white shirt free. One. By. One.

This. Writing. Is. Terrible.

But Dorian Havilliard said, “The Bloodhound was lying that night. What she said about your Second. I felt her lie—tasted it.” Some tight part in her chest eased. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

What the fuck Dorito, you’re making out with her and then you randomly bring up her possibly dead friends?????? What is this writing????

Again, that dark, edged smile appeared. And when he stepped close once more, his hands replaced those phantom ones. Tracing her hips, her waist, her breasts. Unhurried, indolent circles that she allowed him to make, simply because no one had ever dared.

Oh my god this is a DoritoManon sex scene isn’t it

A chill ran down her body, peaking her breasts. He watched them, then circled a finger around one. Dorian bent, his mouth following the path where that finger had been. Then his tongue. She bit her lip against the groan rising up her throat, her hands sliding into the silken locks of his hair.

OH GOD IT IS PLEASE HELP ME I NEED AN ADULT

Okay so if you want my thoughts on SJM sex scenes in general, go read my ch 38 review. But this is especially shit because Manon and Dorito barely have any chemistry. Plus Dorito is a crusty asshole and I don’t want him anywhere near my Manon baby. Fuck this goddamn shit.

She had never contemplated what it would be like—to yield control. And not have it be weakness, but a freedom.

JFC SJM, I GET IT. I get it, Dorito is the only man Manon would ever be submissive with because he’s so ~manly and dominate~ I FUCKING GET IT, GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY FACE.

As he freed her pants button by button, then slid them off.

PANTS

This just further proves my theory SJM did no research about the medieval time period and just wanted to write lots of smutty porn.

Manon let him raise her arms over her head, his magic gently pinning her wrists to the mattress as he touched her, first with those wicked hands.

Oh my god the magic foreplay returns to haunt me. It was dumb then, it’s dumb now.

The next paragraph they’re already done and cleaning up, which seems... oddly rushed for SJM. She took numerous pages to describe Rowboat and Alien climaxing but skipped out here? I’m not complaining, believe me, just feels odd for her.

She tugged on her clothes with trained efficiency, and only when she was lacing up her shirt did Dorian say, “We’re not done, you and I.” And it was the purely male promise that made her bare her teeth.

I AM GOING TO GODDAMN LOSE MY MIND MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE

DORITO ISN’T A MALE FAE. I’VE SEEN PEOPLE EXCUSE THE WEIRD MALE TERRITORIAL FAE SHIT WITH “oh it’s okay because they’re Fae and not human so it’s okay for them to be possessive uwuu” BUT GUESS FUCKING WHAT SWEETHEART! DORITO ISN’T FAE SO Y’ALL HAVE NO GODDAMN EXCUSE FOR HAND WAVING THIS GROSS POSSESSIVE SHIT ASIDE

KHADKFHAFHAJKHFKJAHSFK IM BREAKING

Dorian gave another purely male smile

After Dorito fucks off we go to Lorcan and Elide. Holy fucking shit this chapter is so long. The DoritoManon sex scene could’ve been cut out without any loss to the plot but lbr, fans aren’t here for the supposed fantasy plot, they’re here to read shitty smut.

Even utterly exhausted, Elide barely slept during the long night she and Lorcan swayed in hammocks with the other sailors.

After the shit I just read, this cuteness is welcomed.

Something softened in [Lorcan’s] harsh face as his eyes dipped to where [Elide’s] arm dangled out of her hammock, the skin still a bit sore, but … miraculously healed. She’d thanked Gavriel twice now, but he’d brushed it aside with a gentle nod and shrug.

This is either pure and wholesome or I’m just grasping for anything after that sex scene. Gav is such a good character, let him be a father figure to Elide and take her out for ice cream and they go for fun walks on the beach searching for interesting shells and rocks. Treasure that wholesome mental image.

It was the shout of the watch that jolted them. The one of pure terror. Elide nearly flipped out of her hammock, the sailors rushing past. By the time she shoved her hair from her eyes, Lorcan was already gone.

Oh fucking great, what bullshit do I have to put up with now?

Sailing over the western horizon, another armada headed for them. And Elide knew in her bones it was not one that Aelin had schemed and planned for. Not as Fenrys breathed, suddenly beside her on the steps. “Maeve.”

I’m so sorry I’m leaving you on a cliffhanger, but I need a break after the shit I’ve just witnessed. Like, I might actually die if I don’t stop right now.

[phasingphoenix]

I gotta make a separate post bc this got too sad for my writing blog.

As a lot of my irl mutuals know, I’m getting published soon. The stressful part I'm reflecting on at this stage is what people will think of me now. I wrote this story with one demographic in mind: the LGBTQ+ community who want to see the gays get a happy ending, and for those who cast a critical eye over how patriarchal values can be damaging to men as well as women.

That's kind of a niche community, relatively speaking. But in order to properly explore the latter idea, I go into some dark circumstances (among them, sexual abuse, attempted suicide, poorly managed mental disorders). They're not pretty things and they make you uncomfortable for a reason. Compound that with the fact that everyone's gay, that becomes increasingly more difficult to stomach for some people.

Is it going to be hard to read for the people it was written for? Maybe only in the good ways, the ways that make reading fiction worthwhile, and it's a happy ending so it's all worth it. What worries me is not the target demographic. What worries me is the non-target demo, the people who will only read it because they know me as a person. And perhaps, after reading, they may find they don't know me like they thought they did.

I've not come out to any of my family as bisexual aside from my siblings. It's not necessarily a choice made out of fear, it's just that it hasn't been relevant enough to warrant an explanation (since I'm in a committed heterosexual relationship, it probably won't be). But the fact that it's not outwardly relevant doesn't make it not deeply important to me, and that goes for many facets of my beliefs. In my writing, most if not every character I make in some way reflects the idea of sexuality being a unique and fluid thing based on each person, something that usually evolves as the character grows. That’s hard for your white Catholic grandparents to get their head around sometimes.

I’m really only making this post because I have to talk about this. I just have to. Once this book goes live, I’m going to have a nervous breakdown because my family will want to read it, and all of my grandmother’s friends want to read it, and this novel is decidedly not for them. It scares me to wonder how they’ll look at me once they do, or what my grandma’s friends will say to her about me.

Another reason I don’t talk about my sexuality or most political views? It’s not really borne of fear of getting rejected, my family wouldn’t. But I can’t stand the idea of these things that I believe to be central to my character and incredibly important to me personally, being “ignored.” As in, “well this is a weird thing that I don’t agree with so we’ll ignore that piece of you.” I can’t tell if the idea of that is worse than them blatantly questioning me about it.

There is a chance nothing will happen and everything will be fine, because a huge chunk of my anxiety centers around what people think of me, and as neither I nor anyone else in my family has ever come out, I really don’t know what their reactions to these topics would be. But I do know them as people and none of them are any too liberal.

I’m sorry for throwing huge chunks of text onto your dashboards at 1 am, but I needed to get it out. It’s emotionally draining to finally be doing the thing you’ve wanted to do your entire life, while also dreading its launch because of what it says about you as a person. Maybe it’ll be fine. But there exists the chance that it won’t be.

Anyway I’m real excited for the people here to read it because the Gays are who it’s for so Buy My Book and stuff when it comes out it’s called King of Fools and it’s about a Romani street performer and a French nobleman’s son who fall in love in Paris it’s published through Boroughs Publishing Group ok i love you goodnight.

[notcrypticbutcoy]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

I was tagged by the lovely @magnusragnor and @confidentalec -- tysm babes!

1. List of works published this year: 

Fives Time Alec Hates the Internet and One Time He Doesn't

I'll Love You in a Thousand Lifetimes

Wrecked

A Year of Firsts (cowritten with @malteser24)

Lies of Ruined Men

Every Time I Close My Eyes

Fives Times They Didn't (Officially) Go On A Date and One Time They Did

Artemis

A Year of Second Chances (cowritten with @Malteser24)

Of Lattes and Lawyers

Fall Without Wings

(And there are some things floating around on tumblr that I don't think ever made it to AO3...)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I mean it sounds too obvious to be true, but Fall Without Wings. It's the biggest WIP I've ever attempted, and it sprawled from a silly little one-shot I wrote after watching David Attenborough bang on about birds for a bit. The stats are lovely, but on a personal level, I have put so much into this fic, and I feel like it's stretched me and made me a better writer in so many ways. It's been a huge challenge, but I've stuck with it. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Definitely the first fic I posted this year, Five Times Alec Hates the Internet and One Time He Doesn't. Scrutinising it, and having reread it during the writing of the next part in that series, just made me realise that there are so many bits of it that I'd just change, if I were to write it again. 

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“Stars glittered high up ahead, twinkling points of light in a sea of infinite darkness. It was cold, wind whipping through the streets and rustling the trees, sending golden brown leaves tumbling to the ground, a carpet of invisible colours underfoot.”

This is from the opening of I'll Love You in a Thousand Lifetimes, and while its structurally not the most amazing thing I've ever written, I made a real effort in this fic to be a little more grounded, to focus on setting as well as character and emotion, because it's something I'm super lazy about, and I was really pleased with how it turned out.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

I've had some absolutely beautiful comments this year, and I genuinely treasure all of them. I love that people have challenged me and I love that people have disagreed with me as well as just totally losing their shit about some angst in the comments, because that's always fun ;) My favourite comment was actually from a fic I wrote late 2016 about soldiers who get deployed at Christmas -- it was personal, and I found it really touching and incredibly humbling. 

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

The last couple of months have been a real drive for me. I picked up a little during nano in November, but I've had things going on IRL that have totally drained me of creativity.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Maybe the Magnus&Raphael scene in Lies of Ruined Men -- it was a slightly different style for me, and it was quite metaphorical and just...yeah. That fic is less than 1000 words but it was definitely a step out for me.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I think I've gained a new appreciation for how one story, one scene, can be perceived in a hundred different ways that will never occur to you, as the writer. I've definitely seen things from other people's perspectives a lot more this year, and it's made me more aware of what I'm writing, which is a good thing. But at the same time, I think I've realised that I can only write for myself. I can't change what I'm writing because I get some pissed anons, or some people in the comments who disagree -- I've learnt how to differentiate between constructive criticism that should absolutely be taken on board, and just...people running their mouths. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I'd really like to grow more consistent in the quality of what I produce. It's definitely something I struggle with. I can flip between styles and deliberately alter the way I'm writing, but I also do it without meaning to. You can really see it if you pick random bits of FWW -- there are definite discrepancies in the quality of writing. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

This is the first time I've worked with a beta consistently on a multi-chap, and Alex has been absolutely golden. (I'm still trying to convince him to get swallowed down into tumblr... Goal for 2018 lol) 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Yes, absolutely. I think I always have bits of my real life bleed into my writing, and, actually, I've had a couple of things in my real life that I wrote about as a sort of therapeutic exercise -- I have yet to publish any of it, but, 2018, look out 👀

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Never stop. There are two things that I firmly believe make the difference between someone who writes and /someone who writes/ : practising, and reading. If you don't read other people's fiction (published fiction, quality fiction online) you never get out of your bad habits. You don't go, ugh, I hate this style, I will never do this, or, oh my goodness, this is so sweet, maybe I should try this. Read. Read everything you can get your hands on. Never underestimate the value of a book.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Fall Without Wings!!! Don't get me wrong, I've loved writing FWW, and will continue to, but at the same time, I am so excited to finally see it completed and move onto some of the other things stirring around in my mind. I'm super gassed to start on my fic for the SH Big Bang!

14. Tag five writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

@lecrit @actuallyredorchid @malteser24 @champagnemagnus @maghnvsbane @idontwantheworld-iwantmalec

(My apologies if you’ve already been tagged/absolutely hate these sorts of things! Don’t feel obliged, and Happy New Year!)

[lindyhunt]

TIFF 2018: We Hand Out the Awards You Won’t See at the Oscars

As always, the selection of films at TIFF runs the gamut—from A-lister-packed films like Widows to low-budget indies like Firecrackers; from quiet, reflective sci-fi films like High Life to soaring romances like A Star is Born. That range is what makes TIFF such an exciting festival for film buffs and critics alike, but this year, there did seem to be a bit of a theme: Pretty Damn Dark. Seriously, it’s been an emotionally draining festival, what with young kids OD-ing, people dying (so much dying), and institutional racism ruining people’s lives. But you know what this also means: Oscar Bait. We’ve already done our round-up of the films getting the most awards buzz, but there’s plenty else we felt deserved, um, a different kind of recognition. Here, our favourite moments from the festival that won’t snag an Oscar but did earn some accolades in our book.

So-Good-You-Wished-It-Was-Real Chemistry

The Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper lovefest is one we hope never ends. And we’re not just talking about those hand-in-hand red carpet photo-ops. (Though we’ll definitely take more of those too.) After receiving her second standing ovation of the night for A Star is Born—in which people were brought to their feet mid Q&A solely in recognition of her incredible acting talent—Gaga was left speechless and moved to tears. And even then, in her moment in the spotlight, she talked about Cooper. “I am spoiled,” she said, “I watched [Cooper] work tirelessly on this film, giving it everything. You never stopped.”

To which Cooper said: “I can’t imagine having the courage to do this without her. I knew she was going to give all of herself to me and become the actress she wanted to be, and I would give all myself to her and be the musician Jackson had to be.” I know, we’re crying too.

Most NSFW Scene of the Festival

Not to give too much away—though there’s no way to verbally paint an accurate picture of this highly visual and confounding scene anyhow—but there’s a bit in Claire Denis’ High Life in which Juliette Binoche enters a ‘Fuck Box’ and well, proceeds to help it live up to its name. There’s waist-length hair flying about, pulleys and ropes, and a silver dildo. Need I say more?

Most Jaw-Dropping Visuals

Nope, I’m not talking about First Man, though the claustrophobic camerawork of the film was exceptional. I’m talking about Free Solo, an awe-inducing documentary about Alex Honnold, the first man to scale the 3000ft El Capitan cliff in Yosemite National Park without any safety equipment. Yep, with just his fingers and toes, and a little sack full of chalk to help with his grip. The film’s team of cinematographers and directors are expert climbers themselves, and the sweeping shots of Yosemite, bird’s-eye view of Honnold’s ascent, and close-ups of his intricate movements (that at any moment could send him plummeting to his death) are truly a sight to behold.

Most Unexpected Celebrity Guest

This one was close. The Right Honourable Justin Trudeau showed up at Patria for the First Man post-premiere party, where he shook hands with fellow Internet boyfriend, Ryan Gosling. Iconic? Yes. Strange? Also yes. But having a government official show up to a TIFF party is not nearly as strange as having Paris Hilton show up to a TIFF party. Hilton, Queen of selfies, hotel chains and the 2000s, arrived at Soho House for The Death and Life of John F. Donovan post-premiere party, a film that her Ken doll-esque fiance, Chris Zylka, makes a brief appearance in.

Most Batshit Wild True Story

There are several moments—in fact the entire film is a series of these moments—where you find yourself thinking: this shit is NUTS. It’s unbelievable. It’s surreal. It’s absurd. And you have to keep reminding yourself that it’s all true. Based on the story of a writer, played by Laura Dern, who writes a best-selling series of novels under a pseudonym and then enlists her boyfriend’s sister, played by Kristen Stewart, to play the role of that fictional writer in real life, it’s a wild ride: there are bad accents, bad wigs and hard-to-believe turns of events. Except, again: it’s ALL TRUE.

View this post on Instagram

Giving us life on #TIFF18 Day 10/11: Kristen Stewart, dressed in head-to-toe couture, crouching in a garden 🌺, looking like the Avenger we wish we had. . Her film JEREMIAH TERMINATOR LEROY (with your BFF Laura Dern) premieres today and you can still snag 🎟s to this and more at tiff.net/available . . . . . . #kristenstewart #lauradern #jtleroy #jeremiahterminatorleroy #avengers #netflix

A post shared by TIFF (@tiff_net) on Sep 15, 2018 at 6:18am PDT

The Big-Hearted Heartthrob

First off, Timothée Chalamet should take home all heartthrob-related awards, from now until eternity. When the Oscar-nominee stepped onto the red carpet for Beautiful Boy, he spent nearly 30 minutes posing for selfies with screaming fans, and entertaining weird requests like signing a burger and a peach. (The latter, of course, in reference to his infamous Call Me By Your Namescene.) Here’s a guy who doesn’t seem to hate the spotlight, and who graciously shows his Chalamaniacs all the love and attention they so desperately desire.

GIF

Most Badass Female Cast

We are conditioned to expect heist movies—or any gritty crime movies, really—to have men at the centre. Which is why this film, directed by Steve McQueen and co-written by McQueen and one Ms Gillian Flynn, is such a breath of fresh air, despite its dark subject matter. Viola Davis is the fierce commander of this ship, which Elizabeth Debicki and Michelle Rodriguez hesitantly climb aboard. It’s rare enough to see a film in which women commit “bad” acts but rarer still to see one in which the women’s guilt, shame or redeeming qualities aren’t needlessly played up. Only complaint? Carrie Coon is criminally (ha) under-used.

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#Repost @ViolaDavis: It was such an honor to join our Director Steve McQueen and this phenomenal cast at the World Premiere of #WidowsMovie. Thank you for having us, Toronto! #TIFF18

A post shared by Widows (@widowsmovie) on Sep 10, 2018 at 3:32pm PDT

Best On-Screen Lewks

There’s some amazing costume design driving some of this year’s best films: Colette’s Belle Epoque-era Parisian flair—especially powerful because it helps underscore Keira Knightley’s character’s own evolution and self-acceptance; the 1990s grunge of Jonah Hill’s Mid90s; If Beale Street Could Talk’s saturated 1970s outfits; and Natalie Portman’s wild, sequinned get-ups in Vox Lux. But Mahershala Ali steals the damn show. In Green Book, he gives us a masterclass in style: from impeccably fitted tuxedos to casual plaid suits to a dramatic gold-embroidered kaftan draped in gold chains. Like I said, lewks.

Photography via IMDB

Most Huggable Hound

A tie between the miniature goldendoodle Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper bring home in A Star is Born—which I have convinced myself is Cooper’s pet IRL—and Ponce, the scruffy mutt that’s dog-napped from Lucas Hedges and Julia Roberts in Ben is Back.

Makes-You-Wish-it-Was-Still-the-90s Soundtrack

Jonah Hill’s directorial debut, Mid90s, had the best—and most nostalgic—soundtrack of the festival. Sadly, the song list isn’t yet available anywhere on the Internet. But here’s what I can tell you: it features Seal and Morrissey, and was composed by the same duo of dudes behind the music in The Social Network and Gone Girl. One Twitter user went so far as to say that the film “literally might have the single greatest soundtrack of any movie ever.” It’s a bold claim, and I can confirm Mid90s lives up to the hype.

Most Stressful Experience

Hotel Mumbai is 125 minutes long, and those are 125 incredibly stressful minutes. Based on the horrific 2008 terrorist attacks on the city of Mumbai, the film fills viewers with dread right from the opening sequence: when the half-dozen terrorists arrive on the shores of Mumbai and immediately begin setting their plan into motion. For the next two hours, aside from the sounds of gunfire, explosions and screams on screen, the theatre was about as silent as during a screening of A Quiet Place. People were literally sitting on the edge of their seats, hands over mouths, shoulders stiff with tension. In other words: this film does its job of depicting a harrowing, terrifying ordeal exceptionally well.

Photography via IMDB

Most Gender-Balanced TIFF Yet

TIFF’s programming team has long been dedicated to creating a more gender-balanced festival, and this year it hit its highest mark yet, with 36 percent of its 2018 slate of films directed by women. The festival’s artistic director, Cameron Bailey, also signed a gender parity protocol during the Share Her Journey rally on opening weekend. This year’s festival also boasted a huge line-up of films with women at the center: from Nicole Kidman in Destroyer and Melissa McCarthy in Can You Ever Forgive Me? (both films directed by women) to Natalie Portman in Vox Lux and Julianne Moore in Gloria Bell. Canadian films Mouthpiece and Firecrackers also come from all-women teams, with two female protagonists in each, as well as female directors and cinematographers.