#(or like i know im not saying anything you dont know rn just wanna get it out there)

[slutdge]

hi yall, i know its late but ill put a little life update under the cut for anyone thats awake and gives a shit, itll probably be ramble-y and incoherent lmao

i feel like ive lived 10000000 lifetimes in the last 2 months. i was too afraid to tell yall i got accepted to go to my college of choice (they let me apply as a mature student bc my highest level of completed education in 8th grade lmao) and ive been doing pretty good as far as grades are concerned, but also big changes are scary and bring up a lot of memories i want to cling to so i havent been coping the best with that. i feel like a child still even though im a grown ass man and thats what child abuse and believing you were gonna kill yourself at 16 and not live this long will do to ya. but what i can say is ive still made it to class on my worst days. i love what im learning but i also need to recognize the limitations that come with a chronic disability like schizophrenia. what i can honestly say is that ive been doing the work to try and get away from this abusive relationship and make a better life for myself and i value everyone that sent me asks/messages after i told them i was grieving, i appreciate it so much. i dont want to spend my life being afraid to be emotional because thats a trait i learned from my dad and i HATE my dad. i dont wanna be like him. i wanna love. i want to forgive myself because i know in my heart deep down ive never done anything unforgivable. hope all that made sense, im delirious rn, the inadequacy of words is a torturous thing, this has been a lot to process in a short amount of time. im afraid of learning but i also want to embrace it and i just remind myself that not everyones my dad. not everyone is persecuting me all the time. i wanna go back home to florida soon for a visit with my aunt and cousins cause i think that would help, maybe when i finish my first semester. im becoming my real self, not my persona ive put on for so long after a lifetime of abuse, and its the scariest thing ive ever done. confronting the trauma is so much scarier than drinking it away or doing heroin and i didnt anticipate that. anyways i hope all that made sense. im doing my best and progress is being made even if its slow going. i hope i can get to a happy place one day, and im taking the steps to do it. i dont wanna perform out of fear anymore. i just wanna live. i wanna leave the past in the past and its fucking hard, but for the first time in my life, i actually want to do it. im actually trying.

re-reading the mohawk warrior society handbook has helped a lot through these troubling times and i recommend it to anyone else struggling with similar issues.

anyways i should go to bed now cause ive got a 9 am lecture, have a good night yall 🫀

[snekdood]

so uh

for 1. most people are gonna take advantage of black friday and wont see your specific niche tumblr post, I hate to say it

2. the us isnt running out of money for war any time soon, so...

3. this is just antisemitism???????? all we need is some (((echoes))) around the us and israel and then I'd have no reason to suspect otherwise from op...............

[shivroy]

being a diehard shiv fan has worked out so well for me like it is still sort of surprising that she IS my fav fav fav because given what i know about myself i guess i wouldn't expect to love her? but maybe it's because she is SO MUCH more than an archetype. shes like a WORLD to me, as is every other main character (except greg lol), and i think that must have been what drew me in, purely how COMPLETE a character she is. the nuance, the erratic but ultimately entirely comprehensible and painful ways she responds to the fucked way she's treated - she is an abused person, and acting on her abuse - AND, thus, the totally fucked way she treats others. the way she perpetuates everything, the way she can't help it. the facial expressions sarah dances through just ACHE with what's going on inside her, every thought she leaves unsaid, and god does she bite her tongue often but you can feel how she feels through the screen every time. i really do feel like shiv as a character doesn't say a tenth of what she's thinking, but because of the lone fact of her being a woman, shes STILL treated, likeee, "shiv and her big mouth over here!!" but thats compounded with the fact that she is actually verbally clumsy. shes SILLY. she says things that are SILLY and REDUCTIVE and i love her. GOD!!! think about all the rants the brothers spout, at length, uninterrupted, and yes their dad hurt them just as bad but with shiv its "stop buzzing in my fucking ear". it hurts so much. she's got to put that hurt somewhere. jesus i love her. but anyways i think i would have expected to fall totally in love with roman given the fictional Dudes i have loved in the past and my propensity towards little weasels but 1. shiv got in first 2. i think now that i really know him as a character roman is just fundamentally too sad for me to like pour my soul into. just too crushing. roman Understanders who really Understand what makes him tick are so brave, i think the whole of his life is genuinely just too upsetting for me, and shivs is too, absolutely, but idk. she is fucking UNDENIABLE to me

[fruutbaag]

if my brain could stop telling me im not Really enjoying things and im just humoring people all the time and i don't actually care about abything thatd be great. would really like it to stop doing that

[widevibratobitch]

christ i know its her birthday but i just have too much to do i cant manage that i really cant. but the paralysing fucking dread of having to tell her that sure is something lol

[skitskatdacat63]

you don’t have to post this but i just want you to know i totally relate i rbed an ask game post today and got no asks :/ it sucks even if it’s just a silly little tumblr game

Yeahhhhh :(( I'm glad I'm not alone, anon. This made me feel a bit better, so thank you <3

[bittwitchy]

see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

if anyone needs me i will be rewatching trigun 98 and tristamp over and over until my brain explodes

[nomaishuttle]

listening to the new sadboyz and im like. rly disappointed with how theyre talking abt the sssniperwolf shit ...

[kimmkitsuragi]

hm

[spacedykez]

yknow how people just put a dot and then vent in tags for vent posts i should just start putting "i'm not fine" lyrics as the post cause. yeah thats just a whole mood.

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw: SH and su!c!de

[hecksupremechips]

So we rewriting Persona 3 👀

There’s. Many notes to be made. But what exists in my file rn is just like reworking the introduction to Tartarus and the dark hour and gonna be so real it is so so so gay lol. Just like, a rough concept is that Kotone (cuz you know I’m only thinking of her here lol) comes to this new city and stays at a dorm, either it’s straight up Iwatodai or a regular girls dorm temporarily. She befriends Yukari in the dorm and gets shown around school and town, she also meets Junpei and he’s just a silly guy yeehaw. Akihiko and Mitsuru are introduced vaguely as the cool smart popular seniors and they seem kinda unapproachable and Yukari thinks Mitsuru is stuck up. And there’s definitely some sketchy shit going on in this town like apathy syndrome and coffins but no one seems to be talking about it so Kotone is just like. HMMM. One night during a full moon she’s with Yukari and maybe they snuck out or something (Kotone sneaks out and Yukari follows lol) but they’re caught up in the dark hour and it’s scary as hell and there’s a big ass tower in the distance and coffins everywhere and there’s investigation going on as the girls try to get back to safety and then uh oh big ass shadow is running around in the streets destroying shit it’s scary and then hwuh we see Mitsuru fighting it and we’re like hey it’s the fuckin girl from school woag 🙀 and she’s like get the hell out of here??? And Kotone and Yukari are like mate what about you how the hell are you gonna be okay against that thing and shes like PERSONA and it’s super cool and so the girlies leave her to it and try to run away but feel kinda bad even though they literally can’t help her and they contemplate going back but then hunnnhh another smaller shadow is there and they’re cornered definitely screwed and they’re clinging to each other and Yukari is like god fuck this is the end isnt it and Kotone is like thank you for being my first and only friend it was really nice I felt happy for the first time in a really long time and it hits Yukari like a brick and she gets really mad cuz it’s just not fair and then WOOSH PERSONA she kicks ass its so cool because FUCK YOU SHADOW DONT HURT MY FRIEND and fights it off but it’s not enough and she’s getting hurt and Kotone can’t stand it she can’t let her friend get hurt because of her and she has to ask herself if she’s ready to take this dangerous leap if it means saving her friend and it’s no question so PERSONA WHOAAAA they protect each other through gay powers wow and save the day and Mitsuru is like huh okay nice 🥰

[widevibratobitch]

.

[radiotorn]

having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.

[reachedgoals]

I don't necessarily regret telling a coworker I'm ana but I really wish he would mind his business sometimes