#(that's why i spent like 3 days doing studies to learn to draw it lmao)

[whump-captain]

some sketchy Ethans to practice drawing hair (ID in alt)

[hearteyeshayley]

could you post other parts of your og draft for “call me from the platform”? i love your stories and the way you write the characters is amazing!

ahh thank you! <3 <3 <3 This ask makes me feel like a real fic writer lmao. I'd love to share!!! call me from the platform is definitely the fic I've spent the longest working on, and each draft was so different!

Here's a cut scene from the draft where I was still doing Damian's POV:

Damian couldn’t eat the breakfast sandwiches. They were made of egg, cheese, and bacon. He texted Jon and instructed him to meet at the nearest park. Damian already claimed a picnic table for them. The food was cold by the time he got there, but he accepted the bag when Damian pushed it toward him. 

“Thanks,” Jon said. 

“I can’t eat them. They’re probably terrible, anyway. Drake bought them.” 

“Why did he buy you food you can’t eat?” Jon asked, unwrapping a sandwich and taking a bite. 

“He bought them for himself,” Damian studied Jon’s face carefully, and pointedly added, “and Conner.” 

Jon huffed a little laugh, which was extra gross because he was eating. He chewed and swallowed.

“Wow, Conner. He must be growing on you. You called me Kent forever.” 

“Shut up, Kent.” 

Jon smiled fondly and Damian forced himself to looked away. 

“Aren’t you going to ask why I stole their breakfast?” 

“Was it because they annoyed you?” 

“Conner said he knows you’ve snuck out of the house.” 

Jon cringed. 

“Oh, shoot. Well, sometimes it’s hard to stop yourself from listening and everything. Dad’s way better at it. I bet he doesn’t know, at least.” 

Damian leaned forward. 

“Have you ever accidentally listened to Conner? Perhaps there’s something we could use against him, to make sure he doesn’t tattle.” 

“Um… no. But I don’t think he’ll tell. He’s cool. And he hasn’t so far.” 

Damian sat back and tapped his finger against the table. So, Jon didn’t know. He didn’t think he did, because Jon told him everything. The thought made his stomach twist but he ignored the pull of guilt. Jon told him everything, and Damian had secrets. They both knew it, so it was fine. 

He thought that seeing Father for essentially two days a week would repair their relationship, but they fought more than ever. When they returned to the cave in the early hours of dawn they got into their worst fight yet over whether or not Damian would be attending college. He pretended to go to bed before sneaking out and catching a string of public transportation to the outskirts of Metropolis. By the time he walked back to Tim’s he’d been up for 24 hours and all he wanted to do was wake him up and tell him the new plan—  that he would be staying in Metropolis full-time and patrolling with Jon— but it wasn’t Tim sleeping in his bed. 

It was an embarrassing shock, to say the least. He’d learned to knock after years of living with Dick and Bruce, but he never expected that sort of surprise from Tim. And he certainly didn’t expect Tim to be gay or bisexual or whatever. He managed to compose himself before confronting the clone— but then he tried to pull that basic blackmailing bullshit, threatening to make it more difficult for him to see Jon. It set him off, even though now that he’d had time to cool down, he realized Jon was right. Conner Kent was hardly a threat. 

It wouldn’t be right to tell Jon, no matter how much he itched to.

But finding out Tim was queer rattled him and left him strangely on edge. He wanted to talk about it with someone, so they would be rattled, too, and he would have concrete proof that it wasn’t just him. It was news that would shock anyone. If Grayson found out, he would be rattled. If Jason found out, his chest would tighten. If Duke found out, he would feel off balance. Just like Damian. 

Jon crumpled up the sandwich wrapper and shoved it back into the bag. He stretched. He could draw Jon with his eyes closed but he still caught himself staring at him all the time like he was a fresh face he needed to memorize. By this point it must’ve been habit. Jon’s arms were long and lean, but he had filled out a lot since starting high school. The lines that made up his face had gotten sharper. His eyes, even behind his glasses, were brighter than the blue sky behind him. It was impossible to capture the way they lit up on canvas, even though Damian was a very talented artist. 

“Do you want to hang out at my house?” Jon asked. 

Damian wasn’t sure what he wanted at all.

[emonaculate]

Streamer Eren Headcanon pt 2

`❥ AU: Modern!AU

`❥ Genre: Fluff

`❥ Pairing: Streamer!Eren x Black!Reader

`❥ Warnings Include: Profanity, Established relationship, Eren is a dork

`❥ Author Note: You guys loved the first one so much I decided to do it again. Sorry if it isn't as good as the first one, I'm working on other projects at the same time

Eren met you during college and was instantly smitten

You were a foreign student studying abroad

He spent months trying to learn English just to properly talk to you

You finally cave in and go on dates with him because slfkssrlw how could you not when he's that sweet

Having said that, when you're frustrated whilst he streams, to check on you he'll switch over to English.

"Hey pretty girl whats wrong?"

"I can't find the letters for my cross word."

"....Aha lemme see."

He is trying his hardest not to laugh at your cute little scrunched up face as he helps you find the word.

During his charity streams, by popular vote, he lets you do his make up

Despite the stream being 24 hrs long people continue to watch because the interactions are too cute.

" 'Ren stay still."

"It feels moist."

"Never say that again."

"Wait. Babe. I want the thingy on my eyes."

"Thingy?"

"Yeah the sharp shit and the stuff on my lashes."

"Its called wing liner and mascara, Eren."

"Yeah that shit."

"Don't swear. Kids are watching."

"Man fuck them-"

"Yeager."

"....Ahem... sorry."

He is definitely the baddest bitch after you finish <3

Kept the make up on even after the stream finished

He may be a COD player but he does not have toxic masculinity

LOVES how he looks when pampered and whilst he'll never go out of his way to do make up or use your products; if you ever offer he's down

"What that's shit on your face?"

"It's an Indian face mask."

"It looks like throw up."

"Do you wanna try it?"

"Yes."

Once talked shit about braids not hurting that bad.

So the only natural solution was to make a bet

You styled his beautiful long hair into nice and neat cornrows (if you can't braid, take him to the africans)

He couldn't even sit through the procedure, literally got up and left midway through

"Fuck no. I like pain as much as the next guy but hell no."

"Aw baby what wrong? I thought it wasn't that bad."

Went on stream the next day to talk about the experience and why he wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Everyone can tell that your relationship is serious when you accidentally broke his PS5

Like he gets absolutely livid and wants to do nothing more than yell at you

But after seeing your teary eyed expression and your broken apologies in German

He just accepts it and steps completely out of the room to keep from blowing up on you.

It takes a few days and even though you feel completely like shit, you dont bother him

He finally comes around and just holds you tightly

No words or anything

His gesture is enough to let you know he forgives you.

He gets a new one immediately and is more careful when it comes to letting you mess with alone though lmao

Decides to do the little draw my life video and moves people to tears without trying

He thought his trauma was normal pfft

While that gets to people, what really affects his audience is when he get to how you make him feel

"If I can describe Y/n with one word, I'd have to say sunshine. You know that feeling when you've seen nothing but depressing rainstorms for months at a time but just that one day, the sun pokes out and shows that the world isn't so gloomy and bad. It's actually quite beautiful. The sun manages to make those sad raindrops look like diamonds. Thats Y/n to me. She makes the days where I feel at my worst better in every way. "

Eren suffers from a couple mental illnesses which is why he donates to their respected charities

He suffers from ADHD, Depression, and Anger issues.

Now you can't just magically make all of his issues go away but you being around does soothe him in a special way

Not many people can do that and LOTS have tried

But you just manage to get him in ways he cant explain

Even the videos with all of his friends involved, his focus on you

Fans can tell when you guys are not together during streams

Eren's temper is a lot shorter and he pops off quickly.

And of course he just so happens to play "getting over it"

This is one of those times he gets cancelled

Coochie-manz63: wow ur trash

"You're literally someone who hides behind a fucking screen to talk shit but I know if I was in front of you; there would be no exchange because if you so much looked at me wrong, I would have beaten your ass into fucking next year, you dyslexic fucking waste of space. Learn how to goddamn spell before you try to talk shit again."

IloveYEAGGGGER23: Damn..

You ended up being the one to clean up his mess, yet again

"Eren is very sorry for his actions, He understands how his words can be hurtful to others.. Right babe?"

"Huh? Oh um yeah.. My bad ig."

After the apology video, you give Eren one of your famous lectures.

"Eren you can't treat others like that just because you get a little upset. Remember what your therapist said about controlling your temper. You can't just do it when I'm around, you have to do it all the time.

Now Eren loves you to pieces but your lectures just do not help his ADHD mind.

So to shut you up, he does the only thing he knows how

Takes your breath and thoughts away with his passionate kisses.

His pattern is always the same

He pretends to listen, nodding occasionally, stands up and moves closer to you.

Grabs your jaw gently and tips your head back before capturing your lips into a sheering kiss that always leaves you breathless

"What were we talking about?"

"We were just going to get some food."

You're just as weak for Eren as he is for you <3

[just-like-playing-tag]

A totally self indulgent compilation of my favorite works on this blog of the year June 13, 2019 - June 13, 2020

I wanted to do this for the blog's first anniversary but then completely forgot about it lol.

The following lists are all in chronological order according to the date each post was first published.

Top 10 panel edits:

#1: Don and Gilda - Chapter 138: Demon serch (1)

Date: Jun 14th, 2019

Time: ~ 1:30 h

My very first redraw from my very first edit posted here, so it deserves an honorable mention. Back then I was young and inexperienced, I didn't even apply a gray filter (lmao I was so unskilled I even unintentionally scratched the picture, I hadn't realized until today). I'm actually very happy my first redraw was of Don, boy deserves all the love.

#2: Emma and Ray - Chapter 140: I’m Here!

Date: Jun 28th, 2019

Time: ~ 1 h

Back then this looked like so much work to me!!! And to this day, I think it turned out pretty well. I'm particularly proud of how the bow turned out. This is one I was really proud of right after having finished it; it gave me the confidence to try redrawing bigger areas. Also, the edit were I first applied the opacity of layer / opacity of brush for the gray filter that would have stuck with me.

#3: Krone's birthday edit

Date: Jul 15th, 2019

Time: 15 mins

I don't know I just really like how Krone's hair vanish to a more sketch-like style here– and consequently, how I managed to replicate such effect. I think Krone's beautiful.

#4: Emma, Norman and Ray - Chapter 153: Coward

Date: Oct 4th, 2019

Time: 4:07 h (and 67 layers lmao)

Probably the single panel redraw I'm the most proud of. That Norman panel was beautiful and very poignant at the end of a chapter I adored, so I believe it deserved all the time I've spent working on it. It's far from being perfect - the back of his head is too plain, and the difference between my brushes and the original brushes is pretty visible - but I still like it very much and am extremely attached to it. The horn looks kinda big but I honestly believe it to be more of an issue with the original than with what I had redrawn lol. Funny enough, the whole picture didn't make it to the final edit and had to be trimmed.

#5: Full Score Trio - Chapter 154: A Breakthrough

Date: Oct 11th, 2019

Time: 29 mins

I don't have a particular reason for this I just think Emma's hair turned out amazing. It took just half an hour and I didn't even use references like. Wow. @Redrawing skills where did you go please come back

#6: Mujika and Queen Legravalima - Chapter 158: The Reason I Was Born

Date: Nov 17th, 2019

Time: 2:09 h

Sis I love this so freaking much. The shift from redrawing almost exclusively people and clothes to redrawing this mess was so fun and refreshing. Even though it's a mess I think it turned out very clean and overall it looks beautiful? I remember after finishing this I felt so powerful, like now that I had redrawn this thing I would have been able to redraw anything I set my mind on lol.

#7: Emma - Chapter 161: Never Be Alone

Date: Dec 13th, 2019

Time: 57 mins

Again no particular reason except this is a very cute Emma and I think the redraw turned out pretty well. There's this big lock on the left that doesn't make a lot of sense but overall I really like it. Cute Emma is cute, and I love her determination.

#8: Emma - Chapter 166: Going Back Home

Date: Mar 9th, 2020

Time: 3:45 h

I'M SO FREAKING PROUD OF THAT RIFFLE I have not the slightlest idea why this took so damn long BUT I'M SO PROUD OF IT

#9: Norman's birthday edit

Date: Mar 21st, 2020

Time: 1:04 h

This is cool! I didn't know I could manage to draw this, but I did it! The feathers were particularly hard to clean but I think they turned out fine.

#10: Full Score Trio - Chapter 174: A New World (part 1)

Date: Apr 6th, 2020

Time: 2:11 h

I just think they're very pretty? I can't understand if I like Ray's face a lot, or not at all, but I think overall there was a lot to redraw and it turned out pretty cute! Sorry Gillian.

(Also insert pretty much every panel from the chapter 177 Isabella edit– I've spent so many hours on basically every panel there's no way I could choose only one).

Top 5 edits as whole:

#1: Emma and Ray - Chapter 140: I’m Here!

Date: Jun 29th, 2019

Complessive time: 2:57+ h

The very first edit I'm actually proud of; I'm really attached to it. It's the first edit I had put all of my effort into, and I remember feeling anxious people would have left it without notes. It kinda feels weird to think about it now, because I really don't care about notes anymore; yet, it somehow makes me happy to think that past-me wasn't let down. Thank you @neverlandstrio for your support, you may not remember but it really meant a lot to me back then! And it still makes me smile. You're the best!!!!!!

#2: Mujika and Queen Legravalima - Chapter 158: The Reason I Was Born

Date: Nov 20th, 2019

Complessive time: 7:12+ hours

This whole edit was an hella wild ride. It's midnight before a school day, when I think: "Mh, it's been a while since I last made an edit, why not make one about Musica and the queen from the last chapter?" And seven hours after this was born. I'm particularly proud of the queen's redraws on the 3rd, 7th and 9th picture (ofc), the areas which have been redrawn are pretty huge yet I think the difference with the original is almost impossible to notice?? @Redrawing skills where did you go please come back (part 2)

#3: Emma - Chapter 174: A New World (part 1)

Date: Apr 12th, 2020

Complessive time: 6:53+ h

I think the panels that were selected work very well together, especially considering the close-up / full body alternation. I love Emma, and I've always been kinda sad noticing that edits that focus one her take the less notes... She deserves all the love. Also, fun fact: for the last but one panel, I had redrawn Emma's whole left ear before remembering she doesn't have one, so I had to redraw the panel from the start. Besides from the error with the ear, the reason why this (and all the others after) took so long is because official panel take way longer to clean.

#4: Isabella and her children - Chapter 177: Mother

Date: May 22nd, 2020

Complessive time: 13:41+ h (ahah.)

Lmao tbh I can't understand how this has so few notes it's like. Technically speaking, probably the best edit I've ever done. I don't even like Isabella that much, I haven't got the slightlest idea why I decided to spend so many hours on this. Anyway, I find the composition (full body on the left / headshots on the right) really good looking in this as well! And I think the redraws turned out fine, especially Isabella's.

#5: The Promised Neverland manga ending countdown→ 1/7 chapters: chapter 1 - Grace Field House

Date: Jun 9th, 2020

Complessive time: 1:59+ h

I don't know how I came up with that idea for the composition but I find it really beautiful??? I think it does a pretty good job conveying the sudden, terrific shift of atmosphere from the first chapter, and I think that sharp bridge is very nice. I'm very, very proud of this.

Honorable mention #1: Full Score Trio - Chapter 154: A Breakthrough

Date: Oct 13th, 2019

Complessive time: 3:44+ h (+ 1:13 h of working on a panel that ultimately didn't make it to the final edit)

A very good chapter, and the edit turned out surprisingly amazing??? All the redraws look great and make it almost impossible to distinguish them from the original; honestly I feel like I'll never be able to redraw so neatly again lol.

Honorable mention #2: Don and Gilda (+ Norman) - Chapter 160: Shackles

Date: Dec 11th, 2019

Complessive time: 3:14+ h

That one is really one of my favorite scenes; I'm telling you peoples, Gilda and Don are a blessing to the earth. I think I've never mentioned it, but Gilda's hair is a nightmare to redraw??? More specifically, it takes me h o u r s to fill the texture without making it look too weird, it's the worst.

Honorable mention #3: Norman and Ray - Chapter 179: Compensation

Date: Jun 6th, 2020

Complessive time: 4:16+ h

I was so glad to finally be able to make a Norman / Ray edit, and it turned out it was just in time before the series' finale. I like how it turned out and I'm pretty satisfied with the redraws (even though my sister helped me with the lineart of some panels - it was exams time and I really couldn't afford to spend more time on it), too bad we didn't have more chapters that focused on the boys. Ray sweetie one day I'll fix your ear it's just today's not that day.

Btw, I justed realized I have never done an Emma / Norman centered edit? I'll have to make one eventually. I remember considering focusing on them alone for the chapter 154 one, but then I thought "even if the manga is gonna ignore Ray, I will chose to do not" lol.

Top 5 long posts:

#1: Reconstruction of how the Grace Field children were settled in the three bedrooms

Date: Aug 28th, 2019

I just had really a lot of fun doing it. I love putting all the little things to their own place, it's so calming to do and that's why I love making this kind of things. Also, loved how @temporoom contributed to the post! It was so nice of them to add what they had noticed to come up with more exact conclusions, that's one of the things I love the most about the internet.

#2: A study of how many times the characters of The Promised Neverland call each other through the first season of the anime

Date: Sep 10th, 2019

I REALLY LOVE IT! I mean it *was* kinda stressing to note everything, but it was very also very satisfying to see everything methodically divided and organized! And it's not just that– it's also the fact that it looks good. That's one post I have fun rereading because it's actually pretty! Also, even though it can be very stressing to learn to use new programs and sites, it's always very satisfying to look at the final result. Again, I really adore compiling these tiny little details! I would love to make more posts of that kind if i had the time.

#3: The Promised Neverland musicals headcanons

Date: Oct 27th, 2019

I mean it's literally. Putting my two favorite fandoms together how could I not love it. This is another one I really enjoy rereading, I find all the musical / character associations so fitting! I really want to make a second part, I hope to find some time to do it.

#4: Considerations on the reward / eventual series' finales (and Emma's sacrifice)

Date: May 7th, 2020

It's always nice to put down all your thoughts regarding a particular matter. It can take a lot of time (at least for me it does because... I need time to think about things), but it's so satisfying to see all of them there once you're done. Bonus points when, like in this case, it was something asked by someone else because “Wow! Somebody wants to hear my opinion on this subject! I'm flattered (◍•ᴗ•◍)”

#5: Some other considerations on the series' finale and Emma sacrificing herself

Date: Jun 13th, 2020

Pretty much the same as above. It's like some kind of clarity when the post is done and signed. Another fun fact, I had to censore the post a lot; the first version was extremely sharp and harsh, but I believe it's right to express your opinions calmly and politely.

Bonus: A thread of what the tpn characters would wear at the Oscars

Date: Feb 9th, 2020

Imagining all the children in those pretty dresses makes me so incredibly happy (╥﹏╥) I go back to look at that post a lot. I really love red carpets, I love looking at pretty dresses!!!!!

Lmao it's so funny how the post of mine I like the most are also the ones with the less notes

Anyway this was just a personal report! You don't have to read it all (or any of it actually). But it was indeed fun making it! Here's to many more months in the fandom!!!

[subbyboymax]

I want to ask you all of them 🙈🙈

So why won’t you ask all of them? Huh anon?

Jk I love you whoever you are. As requested:

1. Zodiac sign 

Taurus. I don’t really pay much attention to zodiac stuff but I’ve heard from friends that I fit the stereotypes somewhat.

2. Sexual orientation 

This is hard because I’m kinda questioning atm, but I would say I like women and identify as NB using male pronouns which I personally feel is accurate to me, but I still am unsure myself what that actually means. I am still figuring myself out.

3. Relationship status 

Single and honestly looking. I’ve had one girlfriend in high school and I’ve had romantic interests since but I have such low self confidence that I end up being too nervous to really pursue a relationship.

4. Someone you miss 

My friend Rebekah. I miss her a lot. She’s like a sister to me.

5. Person who’s arms you’d like to be in 

Hmmmmmmmmm... anyone really...

6. What you find attractive in Men/Women? 

Typically I find personality attractive and looks don’t really matter, but usually someone’s smile and eyes draw my attention the most.

7. How tall are you? 

5’7 or ~170cm but I wish I was more smol.

8. What you love about yourself? 

Already answered

9. What you’re doing tomorrow? 

I’m probably going to exercise and play games with my gaming clan.

10. What are your future plans? 

My goal is to become an electrician, but I also want to go to various Asian countries and try to improve my Asian cooking by studying the food culture all over east asia.

11. Your last night out in detail?

Oh god I don’t even remember the last time I was out at night... I guess it was last year when I had my heart broken and I went to a really nice bar and spent $200 on alcohol and was GONE. Never again. Ended up being hung over for the first time in my life.

12. Your favorite book? 

Hmm... favorite book(s) would have to be the Ranger’s Apprentice series of books. Good story, good characters.

13. All of pets you’ve ever had?

I’ve had so many pets I could make a whole post about them and may do that later.

14. Something that changed your life? 

Unfortunately too many things have happened to change my life more than I would like. I still can’t really answer this question fully.

15. Do you remember your last dream?

I was basically playing a game that turned out to be an isekai and I basically had a SMG and had to fight off a dragon. Shit was weird but very vivid. It’s weird because I don’t particularly like guns or dangerous stuff in general. 

16. What your last text message says? 

“Keep me posted! We should meet up and have a toast to it!” was sent to my friend Renè, who has been my best friend since birth pretty much. Our parents were close while they were pregnant with us and we are practically brothers. He’s getting a house near where I live and we will live in the same state for the first time since we were 8 years old. Obviously we will social distance but we still had to celebrate and see each other to mark the occasion.

17. Do you respect your government and the way your country is run? 

Absolutely not. Please vote biden if you live in the US. Even if you hate the idea of voting for biden, he’s better than trump. If hillary had won, she would have been putting her third justice on the supreme court. Biden is the only chance for our freedom and for the freedom of many people. I am terrified of 4 more years of trump.

18. Where you would like to live? 

South Florida, where I was born.

19. Your  favorite flavor of ice cream?

Depends on my mood, but typically strawberry.

20. Last thing you ate?

Pizza that was left over from last night. 

21. Which swear word do you use the most? 

Fuck. Like I use it so much it’s stupid.

22. Your plans for summer?

Heh... plans...

23. Any upcoming concerts?

Bruh if only. Like I work as an usher and as a stagehand, so if any concerts were happening at all I would JUMP for joy. And I am CHONK so jumping is not exactly the most comfortable thing to do. 

24. Something that you’re proud of?

That I am finally committing to getting therapy for my long list of traumas. 

25. Do you still talk to your first crush?

I wish I could, but she’s not part of my life anymore, sadly. She was a good friend. 

26. What language do you want to learn? 

Japanese, because I really have a strong interest in their history and culture and want to go sightseeing there someday.

27. Where have you lived before?

Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and St. Louis, Missouri.  

28. Eye color?

I think it’s green or something but it changes depending on the light because it’s sometimes more silvery idk.

29. Favorite style of clothing?

Traditional Japanese formal wear. It’s always been an interest of mine. 

30. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

All of one minute to throw on an outfit and get socks on. I wish I had an eye for fashion but hopefully if I ever have a partner, they will help me with my style choices a bit lol. 

31. Where did you go today?

Nowhere, because pandemic lmao. 

32. Where are you right now?

In my room wishing I could have cuddles. 

33. How many countries have you visited?

None because money is not exactly a thing we have an abundance of.

34. Something old?

What does this mean? I guess I have my great grandfather’s old stamp collection. 

35. Something new?

Hell if I know, I’ve had nothing new in months.

36. Something inherited?

My laptop.

37. Is death more scary than life? 

Hell no. Death is easy. Life is scary and overwhelming but it’s worth living the life you have. You only lose out on life by dying before your time. You gain nothing in death, despite it being less scary and uncertain than living is. Keep living to experience everything you can and have no regrets once you do pass on.

38. Experience you’ll never forget?

The time my high school crush complimented my hair in physics class. I get very few compliments and I never feel that attractive so I hardly focus on my appearance but I had brushed my hair that day and the fact she commented on it made me smile very wide.

39. What’s your favorite part about today so far?

Honestly today has sucked and I have been dealing with depression but I am trying to stay positive. Hopefully the answer to this question changes later today! 

40. Who is your hero?

My Great-Grandmother. She was part of my life until I was 17 and she taught me that kindness and compassion is the most important trait for a human to have. She was the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. 

41. Are you happy with where you live?

I love this house, but it’s definitely not perfect and I would love to have my own place someday. 

42. Do you like your handwriting? 

Ew no it looks like alien language. It’s so bad. I can barely read my own writing.

43. What do you wear to bed?

Typically just underwear, or in the winter I will wear a T-shirt and fleecy pants.

44. Tea or coffee?

Tea

45. Chocolate or Vanilla? 

Chocolate hands down. It’s such a varied flavor imo. 

46. Are you excited for anything?

Being okay someday. 

47. How late did you stay up last night and why? 

Midnight because sleep is hard.

48. What’s your ringtone?

I’m boring and keep my phone on vibrate so no ringtone.

49. Did you have a dream last night?

Yes, I said it earlier. 

50. What keeps you going each day?

Honestly no fucking idea lmao.

51. Picture of yourself?

You’ll have to DM me for that one, friendo. Anons get no face pics!

Also for the other people who sent in asks, I saw them, but I figured I could just use this ask to consolidate and not spam posts. Thank all of you for sending in asks, you are the best <3

[aahsokaatano]

ITALY????

Y’all I spent one whole week in Italy in 2017 and it was one of the most bizarre fucking weeks of my life

let’s break it down from the beginning

[under a read more for length]

So, fall of 2017 I was studying abroad in London. One of the classes I was taking was specifically for study abroad students, designed to get us engaging in the culture of London or whatever i dont really remember the class itself but my god do i remember the people i met in it

two in particular were these girls, also American. We shall call them Molly and Ally. They had quickly made friends with each other, and after one of the class trips into London, i was friendly with them as well. The “reading week” or fall break was coming up, and they mentioned that they were going to Italy and asked if I wanted to go. I had booked a short tour to Dover, but thought “oh my god Italy???? Fuck yes!” and so I bought my plane tickets then asked them where they had booked hotel rooms so that I could add myself to their itinerary

“Oh,” Molly said, “we haven’t, don’t worry about it”

Me, a seasoned traveler “?????? uh”

I bugged them about this for at LEAST a week and finally, about THREE DAYS from when we were supposed to leave, I just went ahead and booked an assortment of hostels and airbnbs for us in all the cities they wanted to go to and told them to pay me back later

they actually admitted afterwards that that had been a smart move on my part which like????? no SHIT its a smart move to have a plan where you’re gonna sleep every night while in a foreign country. god.

So, lets go through this day by day

Day 1 - London to Milan

we flew from London to Milan in the evening, getting there pretty late at night. and it was only once we were actually IN Italy that I learned that 1) none of us spoke Italian and 2) despite having grown up in two areas with large Hispanic populations, neither Molly or Ally spoke a lick of Spanish, which is close enough to Italian that you can kind of limp through a conversation of one if you know the other.

so, somehow, I ended up being our Italian translator for the week, armed with nothing but a translator website, a handful of Italian music terms, and the ability to roll my r’s fairly well for a white person. Literally, i figured out where the bus stop was outside of the airport because I saw the word “fermata” painted on the pavement and I knew that meant “long pause” in sheet music terms so I hazarded a guess it meant stop or similar in regular Italian

(sidenote I almost got in a fight with some random Italian dude on the bus because Molly was going on about how excited she was to try the pizza and I told her it wasn’t going to be the same because “the pizza you’re used to is an American invention” and he turned around and started going on about the tradition of pizza in Italy and I was like I just mean that American pizza is different from real Italian pizza i did not mean to offend i’m sorry!!!!!! anyways)

the bus dropped us in a square in the middle of Milan and we got out and i’m lookin at my airbnb app trying to figure out where we need to go and i said “okay we need to get a cab” and Molly and Ally are arguing about something and this RANDOM ASS DUDE walks up to us and is like “you need taxi?” and i said yes to he leads us back to his REGULAR ASS CAR, NOT A TAXI and tells us to get in, and for some unknown fucking reason I do and Molly and Ally follow me and shut up real fast because this is sketchy as fuck but the guy did take us to the airbnb without murdering us so thats a win i guess

The airbnb by the way was more like a mini hostel - it was this apartment where pretty much every room except the bathroom had been converted into a bedroom and so probably not entirely legal but whatever. whatever. 

Day 2 - Milan to Venice

i woke up early the next morning and went to take a shower at the bathroom at the end of the hall and found out that the lights didn’t work. Whatever, I’m mostly blind without my glasses anyways so i just showered in the dark, no biggie

we had an early bus to catch from Milan to Venice, so we headed out to the bus station. I’ll be honest, I do not remember how we got there. I think we walked, because I ended up with a coffee at some point so I probably got it from some cafe on the way? But idk. I was so tired.

We get on the bus, I found two empty seats far away from Molly and Ally, and immediately stretched out and fell asleep.

Ally woke me a little later and said “c’mon, we’re here!”

I was confused as all hell because it had not been nearly long enough for us to get all the way to Venice, but I got off the bus and was greeted by Molly stretching her arms out and proclaiming “Welcome to Venice!” underneath a sign that said we were at the Verona bus station.

They did not believe me when I said Verona and Venice were two different places. “Venice has canals, Verona is where Romeo & Juliet is set. There are no canals in R&J, they’re two different places!” I literally had to pull out my phone, go to google maps, and zoom out until they could see that Venice was still several hours away before they believed me.

The bus driver almost didn’t let us back on but I was able to show him on the tickets that our end destination was, in fact, Venice.

Venice itself was pretty neat. We got to go on a gondola ride and I ate an entire pizza by myself at dinner lmao.

Day 3 - Venice to Florence

we took a train from Venice to Florence the next morning, and that’s when I discovered that Italian train stations have lovely little cafes with AMAZING coffee and really good pastries. The other two didn’t drink coffee but like, their loss. it was fantastic. 

Florence was great, we found a little shop that sold really yummy gelato for only 1 Euro a scoop - Geletaria La Carraia. If you ever end up in Florence, definitely check it out!

We wandered around for a while, took a lot of pictures. There was some famous church that was undergoing some renovations, but as we walked up to it Molly gasped and said “I’ve climbed that in Assassin’s Creed!” which was pretty funny. 

We went to a museum that had made a bunch of models of some of Leonardo DaVinci’s inventions. We went to an art museum and stumbled across Michaelangelo’s David on accident, so that was the big “wtf” moment of the day. Also that night Molly decided to buy a bottle of wine to take home to a friend of her’s back in America, but realized after buying it that her backpack wasn’t big enough to cart it around for the rest of the week so I ended up carrying an entire fucking bottle of wine for the rest of the trip because I was the only one smart enough to bring a proper backpacking backpack and not just my school bag.

Also the hostel we were in had actual skeleton keys for their rooms and actual goddamn keyholes that one could clearly see through so i left the key in the lock all night AND hung my sweatshirt from the door handle so that no one could peek in at us

Day 4 - Florence to Pisa

once again, I woke up early, went into the bathroom attached to our room (the hostel had had a cancellation and so we ended up in a private room instead of a dorm style) and discovered that the lights didn’t work so I had a second shower in the dark

we took another train from Florence to Pisa, and there we ran into our only bit of bad weather

What’s the big draw in Pisa? The Leaning Tower, right?

What was the only day it rained, non-fucking-stop, the entire time we were in Italy? THE DAY WE WERE IN PISA

I got so soaked that I actually bought a new sweatshirt because the one I was wearing was DRIPPING

anyways, after we had taken several dumb touristy pictures and grabbed an early dinner at a nearby restaurant, we decided to head over to the room I had booked. The cheapest place I could find was a tiny cabin at a campground nearby. According to the map on my phone, it was a short walk away.

A solid hour later, we finally trudged up to the main office of the campground, shivering and soaked, and got the keys to our cabin. We set our stuff down, and Ally and Molly decided to go back out to the grocery store we had passed coming in. I waved them off and went to take a shower in the bathroom with fully functioning lights! hooray!

Day 5 - Pisa to Rome

another morning, another train station with excellent coffee. We got into Rome and, at this point, we were all so tired from travelling that I was finally able to take charge. up until this point, Molly had been railroading us, even sort of bullying Ally in the process, but now she was exhausted and I, through a combination of practice in functioning while dead on my feet, lots of travel experience, and Mom Friend Instincts, took the reins. We got to Rome and I said “we’re going to the church with the big hole in the roof (its a thing, look it up) and then we’re going to eat.... at this place around the corner and then we’re going to to go our hostel and check in”

they didn’t argue, and that’s a true testament to how fucking tired the two of them were, especially Molly, because she would argue about anything and everything given half a chance. We also went to the military museum that day, mostly because it was free and also air conditioned

(also while looking through my pictures of this trip i just discovered that i still have the picture i took of the Rome hostel FAQ page that had by the front desk, which i now remember i did because it had the wifi password on it and we weren’t in our room for 30 seconds before one of the other two asked what the wifi password was so, once again, i show that i am a very good traveler/travelling buddy)

Day 6 - Rome

so we had the next full day in Rome, and we got up early to get in line for the Vatican. I wanted to be there by 7am, Molly was like “it doesn’t even open until 9!” and we compromised at 8 and it was STILL an enormous line so i was like “see? this is why i wanted to get here early”

Oh, but before we went to the Vatican, i took a shower. IN. THE. DARK. BECAUSE ALL OF ITALY EXCEPT FOR PISA DECIDED THAT I DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE A SHOWER WHERE I DIDN’T HAVE TO FUMBLE AROUND BLINDLY LIKE AN ASSHOLE

ALSO on the way to the Vatican, I asked if the two of them had their passports. Ally said yes. Molly said yes, why?

And I had to then explain to Molly, a 20 year old RELIGIOUS STUDIES MAJOR, who was RAISED CATHOLIC and who had FAMILY IN THE CLERGY, that the Vatican, THE CENTER OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, is it’s own country. 

she, again, did not believe me until i pulled it up on google for her

turned out that we didn’t need our passports stamped to enter the Vatican but still! still!!!!!

so it turned out that whatever day we were there on, the Sistine Chapel isn’t open that day, so we just walked through the cathedral and then headed out to the Colosseum and the ruins of the Senate behind it, both of which were very cool

Day 7 - Rome to Milan to London

we got up even EARLIER on our last day, I took another shower in the dark, and we rushed over to the Vatican, speedwalked through most of the museum, and finally got into the Sistine Chapel, which was absolutely breathtaking. Then we hauled ass back to the train station to catch our train back to Milan.

At this point in the trip, I was so fucking done with the two of them, but especially Molly. Ally was sweet and naive, but she was also willing to listen to new information. Molly was just a stubborn ass with a mean streak a mile wide and I was COMPLETELY done associating with her.

Luckily, since I had booked my flights separately, while we had flown into Milan on the same plane, I had a completely different flight back to London - to a different airport, even. They were going back to London City, but I was heading to London Gatwick. Both planes were set to depart around the same time, from two gates that were next to each other though, so i couldn’t really escape them until - uh oh! My flight was delayed. 

Molly and Ally were fretting about it but i was like “it’s fine. it’s fine. I’ve been flying since i was literally 3 months old and I s o m e h o w know more Italian AND Spanish than the two of you combined, even though I would never say that I speak EITHER of those languages. Just go.”

The flight ended up being delayed like 5 hours due to mechanical issues. They finally just got another plane for us, and we finally took off from Milan. When we went over Paris, the captain, obviously feeling bad about the delay, made sure to tilt the plane in both directions so that everyone could see the Eiffel Tower lit up, it was really neat.

We finally got back to London at literally like 230 in the morning. The busses and some of the trains weren’t even running at that point - certainly not all the way out to the fancy little liberal arts college I was going to. I went up to some security guard at the airport and said “just tell me how close I can get to the University of Roehampton on the trains” and he told me to take the train to Black Friars so I got out there and there was a bus, but it was like 40 minutes out. It’s now pass 3am, I am exhausted after a long, weird week in Italy, I texted my dad and he said “just get an Uber i’ll pay for it”

The Uber driver was very nice and as soon as I got in he said “you look really cold! do you want the heat on?” i could have fucking kissed him. he was super nice. actually made sure that I was still texting my dad (i had mentioned it when I got in because I almost dropped my bag while trying to text and maneuver at the same time) every few minutes. offered to let me take and send a picture of him to my dad. otherwise didn’t really speak and just let the music play. I tipped him literally whatever was in my pocket at that time, i don’t remember how much it was, but it was at least 20% and probably more. Really great guy. 

Random London Uber driver from 2017, you remain the best Uber driver and I love you

i finally crawled into my shitty little dorm bed at about 4am, exhausted and utterly bewildered by the past week

honestly??? I’m still bewildered by my week in Italy.

wtf even happened in all that mess.

[cheryltanxr]

Life Update (30/5/2019): from a hotel room in PJ.

Ok I have no idea WHY THE HECK I’m doing this at 1.20am before my tort law paper which is at 8.30am tmr morning!!!! SOMEHOW my body hasn’t processed the stress or also maybe it’s the coffee lmao

Basically I am ALMOST done with college. I know it’s been a long journey getting here, graduating at 15 and then taking a two year break before starting. I guess even though most people think it’s a waste of time and I don’t appear like the kind of kid who graduates at 15 and then finishes degree by 20, I’m grateful for those 2 years i spent doing nothing.

Well ok not nothing lah. For 1, I worked a lot teaching ballet and I’ve taught most classes that some teachers my age have not yet taught. So I would say I’m a pretty ok teacher (hahahaha I don’t think my principal would agree) and for 2, it sounds really cliche but spending a lot of time by myself without doing anything has strengthened me as a person because I’ve had time to know who I am and what I’m about/for. And also 3, got to do dance program and dance everyday 6 days a week which changed my dancing forever thank God.

So now, as I draw to a close in this chapter of my life, it doesn’t feel like much. Why?? Because I’ll be carrying on in my degree in the same university so nothing’s gonna change. Most of my classmates will probably be in the same intake as me, and I’ll probably have to see them for at least the next 3 years of my life.

And even now as I talk about college, I wanted to put my church activities on hold first. I wanted to just dump everything to my asst chairs during my exam period and tell everyone to stop PM-ing me, stop bothering me, PLS stop asking me about camp. But I never did because I sort of forgot to along the way. And I’m grateful because it has helped me learn how to balance my time between work, studying, and serving God. I hope everything I’ve been doing has been enough, I’ve been stressed enough as it is.

After I finish my paper tomorrow, I won’t have any rest because I’ll be in PJ / subang for the whole week. I have a ballet workshop to attend 3rd-5th of June, and a conference to attend 6-8 June, and then on the 9th I have a final econs class before our last paper on the 12th.

Basically, Life has been pretty hectic. Which is fine, cos I have God, who provides me my rest.

Guess that’s it basically. Maybe I’ll add more when I’m actually done with college and I might sound more sentimental lolz bye

[heroheart]

im stressing and i look up to you a lot so i was just wondering: do you have any final exam tips? mine start on monday im dying

hey pal! first of all, good luck!!!! they’ll soon be over!!!! you’re at the last hurdle!!! just think about how free and relieved you’ll feel when you’ve finished!!! i have the worst revision habits but things i’ve found that have worked in the past… and it’s long but i really DO hope it’s helpful! if you need any help whatsoever, feel free to message again or IM me!

    the number 1 rule: 

                                        STAY. OFF. TUMBLR.

on the night before your actual exams, i find it’s always really important to have a decent night’s sleep. and truuuuust me i know the toss-up between ‘i don’t know enough so i can’t go to sleep right now’ and 'i need to rest so i can actually understand what i’m doing in the morning’. BUT i’ve always found (especially recently) if i don’t get a good 7 hours sleep before an exam, even reading the questions becomes harder (my last exam was a horror show to begin with because i didn’t understand the questions when i first read them. i was like what the fuck does that even mean… and that was after 4 hours sleep. i actually had to think about what it was even asking me, let alone whether i knew what i was talking about.). you may have studied for longer, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll remember it, because learning is about consolidation as well, and giving your brain enough rest and SLEEP is really important for that. so! get seven hours at least please my lil cherub you need it. also remember to set alarms and discipline yourself enough to actually get up for them because!!!! remember you get so much time off afterwards so!!!

a hard™ part for me is always 'okay, i could study… or i could watch tv… or do this… or do something else…’ and you just need to remember that exams aren’t forever!!! you're so close to being done and afterwards, you can do all those things you said you wanted to do. SO sideline learning a new language or learning how to draw or catching up on that one tv show you really like, because afterwards, you have all the time in the world.

if you live by yourself, when you’re cooking, cook enough for 2+ meals. this means the next day, you don’t have to cook a meal from scratch and you can just micro it and it’s quick and easy and means mealtimes don’t have to take up like an entire hour’s chunk of time. (either that, or live off something easy for a while. i lived off omelettes, toast, cereal and fruit in my last week before my exams recently. you can make all of these eaaaasily and quickly. brain food is also important so!! don’t live off junk… hard, but try and get some nutrition.) i also did this for drinks and stuff. i drink a lot of tea (brit af 🇬🇧) and to stop me from making so many cups every like hour i’d just use a thermos and make like 3 at once fskjfsdh. also keeps it warm. HOWEVER, don’t study on an empty stomach because all you’ll think about is food lmao!!!!

if your exams are coming up soon, i wouldn’t recommend changing your revision/studying style. i also don’t recommend writing down schedules and making rotas even though the thought is great! really helpful! having an idea of what you want to get accomplished in the day makes it so much easier to complete because then you feel good at the end of it all, so that i do recommend. but writing it down and making a schedule takes up so much time (for me, anyway.) so if you do want a physical reminder of what you want to get done that day, i’d suggest making a to-do list. for example, mine was like '2x virology lectures, 1x drug transport’, not explicitly write ‘i’d spend an hour on this, then do that,’ etc.

you can’t study every hour of the day! you need to relax and chill for a bit! if all you’re doing is studying, i’d suggest getting up early, regimenting breaks into your schedule, and then you can finish a little earlier too. for example, i stick to working hours as much as possible. eat cereal, start at 9, break at 11 for 15 mins, lunch at 1, then work 2-5. then, depending on how close to exams i get, i take a break then, and then go back to it. then dinner, then back to it. ideally, i try not working beyond 9/10pm because by then i’m exhausted and saturated with information which needs to be consolidated (sleep!). however, to do this, avoid caffeine!!!!! wherever possible, anyway!! i try not drinking caffeine after around 4pm usually so i can literally sleep whenever lmao. this is the ideal! 

i’ve been taught that if you find yourself getting tired and it’s a reasonable time to go to sleep, go to sleep and set your alarm to wake up an hour earlier in the morning, because you’ll be WAY more productive in the morning after a sleep. i’ve been taught that you get twice the amount done if you do that instead of trying to power through it late at night. ALSO DON’T NAP!!! i know!! studying is soooo fucking dull and painfully tiring and that temptation’s always there but pls don’t you won’t sleep and it’ll put you off kilter!!

i tend to wake up early on the morning of exams. recently, i was waking up at 6 for 11 or 12o'clock exams. this let me do the last minute bits, maybe an hour of actual writing and drawing and attempting to learn, and the rest of that time was spent re-reading old notes that i’d made before it. don’t freak out! i know the 'i know nothing’ feeling before an exam, and i know how it feels to go into that exam hall thinking you don’t know anything, but buddy… your brain’s an amazing thing. seriously, it’s cool as shit. you’ll find that even if you think you don’t know something, it’ll come back to you. you know more than you think you know!!!!! even if you didn’t study it, if you were listening when it was first taught, i find certain words act as cues and if you remember where you were for when you were taught it, it comes back for me sometimes!!!this being said, don’t fret if you don’t know things. no one’s asking you to get 100% on your exams!! a lot of the time, they make it so you can’t… because they’re arrogant and too proud to admit that someone knows the entire syllabus. (that’s what they did for us. my first lecture was one of my lecturers standing in front of the entire year and saying 'no one’s ever scored 100% on our exams before so don’t expect it’.) it’s okay not to know everything!! schools, unis, whatever you’re studying for – they know what they’re doing. they pile an insane amount of stuff onto you and it’s stressful! exams are stressful! it’s true!!! no one’s asking you to score perfectly.what i’m also saying with this point is don’t over-saturate your brain the morning of the exam. think about it. your exam’s in two hours. all the REAL time you’ve had to get to grips with the information has gone. this is why i read over notes before the exam – because if i go back and start trying to learn something i don’t already know, i panic. at least reading notes feels productive and it’ll stay in your short-term memory. repetition is really good for moving chunks of information into different memory stores, and re-reading notes is that kind of thing.

don’t just try and learn things verbatim. you have to understand what you’re talking about, instead of just regurgitating facts. i can’t tell you how many times i was googling stuff like ‘define osteomalacia’ and simple science terms that i forgot and needed to know in order to understand what’s going on. it’s all about building blocks. remembering the basis means you can remember the more elevated stuff! this also gives it more meaning and we remember more things if they mean more to us. this is also why just making lists and writing things out doesn’t work.be creative! get colourful! studying is one of the only excuses i have to whip out my colouring pens so you bet your ass i colour that red blood cell in or whatever. go nuts, kids.

as unfortunate as this one sounds, it’s… important. do not attempt to listen to music at the same time. it doesn’t work. especially if you’re looking at complex stuff that you don’t quite understand yet. don’t try it. it subverts your concentration and makes everything SO much harder. (if you do need to listen to music because it’s too loud around you, i’d suggest instrumental music on a very low volume just to tune out other noises. music itself is a controlled noise so it can be helpful, but only at low volumes. i find that when i listen to music, i have it on like 1 or 2 on my phone’s volume and after the first couple of songs, i zone out and forget about it anyway.) silence is ideal! try and put yourself in a situation where you can get it!

another point to make is that we use contextual cues in order to remember things. unfortunately, this means staying out of bed. get up, sit at your desk, or a table, and work from there. it works so much better and you’re in a more work-related environment. your memory relies on contextual cues so if you study at a table, and you sit the exam at a table, there’s the possibility that you’ll remember more.

YOUR PHONE IS YOUR ENEMY. and so is tumblr, facebook, insta, twitter, or whatever else you use. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. they are the DEVIL and the biggest killers of productivity. turn your phone off, or hide it away from your desk, or at the very least, turn it upside down and put don’t disturb on. discipline yourself with your laptop so you won’t go on these sites. it’s really important, because you’ll lose your focus and forget where you were and then you won’t be able to get back into it as easily. if you’re on a roll, stay on a roll!!

                     most importantly, don’t panic!!!!!! easier said than done, i know. and i know how it feels to stress and i know how it affects everything, but it’s really important. just take a minute. breathe. then get back to it. good luck, friend!!!

edit: one last point to make is that self-care is really important. take time to shower. you'll feel better. get into comfy clothes. you'll feel better. you are allowed to take time for yourself.

[fandammit]

for the 100 meme - sinclair

A/N: I know that this is very Raven centric, but it’s all told from Sinclair’s perspective, so I guess it counts? I just have a different Raven & Sinclair planned that’s set during S2/3 time jump. 

The 100 Meme: Eight characters [1/8] - Jacapo Sinclair (aka 2400 words on Raven and Sinclair’s backstory lmao I’m ridiculous)

“I added extra garlic in your soup.” He gestures over to the tidily packed leftovers on the kitchen counter. “The bread will probably go bad in another two days, so don’t wait too long to eat it.”

Normally, he wouldn’t say anything - just hand her the food with a small, sardonic smile and be grateful that she actually takes it. It’s taken nearly three years of weekly dinners with him and Liona for Raven to accept the small bit of help that he knows she needs.  

Early on, she’d flat out refused to take any food home with her. He gathered that she was smart enough to realize that Liona’s dinner invite to their shared favorite student was partially because they both really did enjoy having her in class, and partially an attempt to make sure she was getting enough food. In addition to a brilliant mind, Raven also has an almost pathological inability to accept help of any kind. Which meant he had spent week after week coming up excuses for why she needed to take food home - Liona had made too much, she was the only one who could stomach the amount of basil he’d ‘accidentally’ tossed into the soup, their protein ration would go bad in the next day.

After weeks of crafting increasingly outrageous reasons for why she needed to take the leftovers home with her, Raven had finally stopped him one night midway through a fabricated story involving a ration mix-up and a failed experiment in the kitchen.

“As much as I like hearing about the weekly adventures of the Sinclairs attempting to cook dinner, I’ll just take the food and nix storytime.”

She’d said it with one eyebrow cocked, sarcasm dripping off of every word. But he’d known her well enough by then to hear the sincere look of thanks in her eyes.

She had taken the food and, in a surprising bit of affection, given Liona a hug before hurrying out of their home.

He remembers turning to Liona then, arms crossed in front of him, a rare smile stretched across his features.

“Guess she got tired of hearing my stories.”

Liona had snorted, then shook her head at him and patted him fondly on the cheek.

“I think she just finally believes that we aren’t going anywhere.”

Tonight, though, he points out the food to her - partially as an inside joke, partially because she’s so distracted that he’s afraid she’ll leave without it.

She looks up from the dinner table and nods at him, a faraway look in her eyes that he swears looks almost guilty, tinged with something that he can’t quite place. He frowns.

“Raven,” he says, and he can see her start at the sound of her first name. These days he makes sure to call her by her last name, same as anyone else on the team - as if doing so will make everyone forget that he had all but handpicked her for the Zero G program about five minutes after she stepped into his apprenticeship class, that he’d had to fight four different levels of bureaucracy to get her certified.

She looks at him and - there it is again - that look of guilt. Something else, too, that gives him reason to pause for a moment. He tries to get a better look at the expression on her face but she ducks her head back down quickly.

If he didn’t know better, he’d swear it was fear.

He draws his brows together. He’s seen ten different shades of Raven’s anger, witnessed her frustration, very rarely recognized anxiety. But he cannot recall a signal instance of fear - not when it became clear she’d have to move out on her own, or when she first stepped out into zero g. Not even when Finn got put into lockup. For every moment that others might show fear, Raven Reyes had only gritted her teeth together and moved forward with grim determination.

He can tell that she’s been distracted this past week. And, unfortunately, despite working together, the only dedicated one on one time he ever gets to spend with Raven are at these weekly dinners. This next week, especially, he knows he won’t even be in the engineering quarter, but will instead be monitoring the status of the 100 from Earth Monitoring.

So he leans in and gives her a questioning look.

“Is everything ok?” He tilts his head down to try and catch her eye.“You’ve just been pretty distracted these past few days.”

She bites her lip and just stares at him, seeming to consider something that’s just beyond his grasp.

Finally, she shakes her head as though clearing it, then turns a corner of her lip up.

“I don’t think I’ve ever said it, but I - I hope you’ve always known that - .” She stops abruptly and looks down, tracing the worn patterns in their hand-me-down kitchen table. She clears her throat and looks back up at him. “I’ve really appreciated everything you and Liona have done for me these last few years.” She scratches the tabletop, suddenly unable to meet his eye. “You took care of me.” She glances over at the food on the kitchen counter and smiles. “Even when I didn’t think I needed it.”  

He waits for her to glance up at him before he nods.

“We’ve always known, Raven.” He hesitates for a moment, then lays a hand on her shoulder. He’s never been a particularly affectionate person - that’s more of Liona’s purview - but something in Raven’s expression makes him think she might need it right now. “Wanna talk about what’s been on your mind?”

She gives him a long look before she shrugs and looks away.  

“You know, I just haven’t been able to see Finn these last few days, so it makes me moody.” He manages - just barely - not to wince at the boy’s name. It had been his suggestion to put Finn on the list of the 100 - a genuine, last ditch attempt to save the life of the boy that Raven loved; still, he can’t but feel guilty when faced now with the direct consequences of his choice. “And,” she continues, a bit more expressive than she’s been all night, “Liona’s soup was really good tonight, so I thought I should stop being an asshole for a moment and actually thank you both for putting up with me.”

He tips his head up and studies her expression. He wishes that Liona hadn’t gone to bed early with a migraine - he’s almost certain she could get Raven to talk about what’s obviously on her mind. He’s always been less inclined to push than she is, so instead he just lets out a long breath and smiles.

“I’ll let her know.”

Raven nods and pushes herself back from the table, then walks over and lifts the bag of food from the countertop. She glances over at him - a still, inscrutable look that worries him for a reason he can’t quite place - then shrugs her jacket on. She turns towards the door but stops halfway and whips back around to face him.

“Give her my love, ok? And just - .” She blows out a shaky breath and shakes her head, then walks quickly over to him and throws her arms around him. “Thank you, Sinclair,” she says, and he finally get over his shock enough to wrap his arms back around her. She drops her head against his shoulder and sighs. “You believe in me?” And it must the fact that the words are muffled by his shoulder that it comes out in present tense, more a question than a statement. But he knows what she means, anyway. He squeezes her shoulders before stepping away from her. “I’ve always believed in you, Raven.”

She nods, then smiles at him, a teasing glint to it.

“A little self serving, don’t you think? After all, I learned basically everything I know from you.”

He grins at her.

“Who better to learn from?”

Her smile softens, and she reaches out to give him one last hug.

“Don’t forget that, ok?”

Before he has time to puzzle through her question or her sudden bout of physical affection, she turns and very quickly walks out of their home.

He stares at the closed door and shakes his head, resolves to be a little more persistent at what’s bothering her at the next weekly dinner.

But of course there is no next weekly dinner.

Abby walks into Earth Monitoring Station, her eyes immediately moving up to the widescreen at the front of the open bay. He tracks her movements, sees the way she rubs the marks on her wrist before resting her hands on Jake’s ring at her neck. Some part of him knows that she only did what she thought was right, that she had meant to go with Raven, that she truly believes what she did will work.

But the part that’s closer to the surface, that’s rising up in a roaring wave of anger and agony can only think this: that Raven is shooting towards space in a hundred year old ship, cobbled from spare scrap metal, held together by Raven’s ingenuity and Abby’s convictions.

He walks slowly over to her and stands beside her, keeping his eyes trained on the screen in front of them. A screen that tells them both everything but what they want to know.

“Liona had Raven in her math class when Raven was ten,” he begins without preamble. “She was four years younger than everyone in there and scored twice as high as the rest. She started her Engineering apprenticeship with me a full two years before she was technically eligible. She’s been coming to our house for a weekly dinner for the last three years.” He keeps his eyes focused in front of him. Doesn’t trust himself to face Abby. “How well do you know Raven, Abby?”

His voice is level and flat; someone who didn’t know better might very well might mistake it for emotionless.

But Abby does know better; has, in fact, known him since they were both children growing up together on Alpha Station. So when she glances over at him, he knows it’s to gauge just how angry he really is.

Her sharp intake of breath tells him she’s figured it out.

“I know that you believed in her enough to overturn four different levels of bureaucracy. I know that she’s the youngest Zero G Mechanic in 50 years. ” She glances over at him. “And I know that your judgment is never off.”

His mouth thins to a stiff line.

“I wish I could say the same about you.”

He sees her close her eyes momentarily.

“I had to, Sinclair. For Clarke.” She looks over at him. “If Raven had been down there with her, you would’ve done whatever it took.”

He gives a curt nod.

“Yes.” He turns towards her and stares at her intently. “But if I were sending Jackson out, I’d at least let you know.” He grits his jaw. “I’d at least let you say goodbye.”

Abby bows her head, then nods before turning to face him, her eyes wide and earnest.

“She’s going to make it, Sinclair. I really believe that.”

He wants to say that believing doesn’t make it so, that it won’t hold together rusted parts during re-entry or keep Raven safe in the coldest reaches of space.

But he can’t. Because belief is all he has now, too.

It’s two weeks after the fall of Mount Weather before he and Raven have a chance to drive out to the site of her crash landed spaceship.

He stares at the broken, twisted pieces of it; sees her dried blood splattered on the chair, the ripped up wires, and imagines the thousand and one different permutations of how it could’ve all gone wrong.

All of a sudden, he’s angry at Abby all over again, nauseated at the thought of Raven hurtling through the darkness of space, hurt that she hadn’t come to him for help.

He doesn’t vocalize any of this, of course. Just turns to Raven with his arms crossed in front of him.

“You came down in that?” He aims for incredulous, but words come out sharp and accusatory instead.  

She arches a brow at his tone.

“What, I made it, didn’t I?”

He huffs and shakes his head. Neither of them make a move towards the scrap metal that barely passes for a spaceship in front of them. Instead, he glances over at her.

“I would’ve helped you, you know.”

She rocks back on her heels, then looks down at the ground.

“I was afraid that you’d stop me.”

He gives her a wry look.

“Raven, I’ve yet to see anyone - myself included - stop you from doing something you have your mind set on.”

She grins at him before she nods.

“It turned out alright.”

He doesn’t say anything to that. She’s right, of course. But he still remembers the sinking feeling in his stomach when Kane rushed in to tell him what had happened, those long, drawn out hours when he replayed that last scene in his kitchen, wondering what he could’ve done, what he should’ve said, praying to a god that he didn’t even believe in.

He breathes out heavily.

“A lot could’ve gone wrong,” he finally says.

She lets out a laugh that’s more bitter than anything, then balances herself against him as she shuffles on her brace.

“A lot has gone wrong, Sinclair.”

She grimaces and he frowns at the sweat that’s beading on her forehead from the pain of standing upright. He wants to direct them both to a fallen down log so that she can sit down and get off of her leg, but he knows she’d only glare at him. So instead, he loops his arm around her shoulders to steady her and hopes it can be enough for right now.

“But we’re both still here,” he says after a quiet moment. It’s not quite optimism, but it’s a brand of hopeful that he thinks is still honest.

She smiles up at him. It’s a small gesture, held up weakly by the edges of her lips, but he’s glad to see it reach her eyes.

“Yeah,” she says softly, leaning into him, “at least there’s that.”

[nekopri]

slbp introduction

@shige-haru and @amigoingbananas tagged me, but tumblr is being a poot and not notifying me ??? Thank youuuu (‘∀’●)♡ Okiii, here we go then..

All are welcome to fill this out!!! You don’t need to be tagged to do it!!!!! @ing your friends helps get it going, but regardless please tag it #helloslbp so it’s easy to find.

1. WHAT GOT YOU INTO SLBP, AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THROWING MONEY AT VOLTAGE?

Twas a blazing hot day in August 2k16 and I was thirsty for some new otome games to successfully ignore my academic duties. So, I just got on some site and they were recommending the game and I was like, yeah sure why not?? (*also me while selling my soul to the Devil* Yeah, sure, why not??) I knew Voltage before from some gree games, and the art seemed nice, so… I actually got fully addicted about a month later, in September haha

Haven’t actually spent any money, because my mama would smack me across the head if she found out I was spending my money on games. And u know, I am broke.

2. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER, AND WHY? WHAT FIRST DREW YOU TO THEM?

 I am in love with Date Masamune??????? Don’t ask me how it happened it just did and here I am???? Actually, I am a liar™, I know how it happened. I was playing the dumb secret tryst and the picture from his MS popped out and I was like “???? I want to kiss him????” basically I’m a shallow bitch lmao, but then I got over myself there but also I got curious, and apparently that’s how I fall for ppl/fictional characters bc the same thing happened with Okita from Destined to love??? I logged into tumblr and started browsing and went to posts +five months ago and somewhere between 1 am and blushing while looking at yet another post I fell in love?? The ES did the job before the MS though.

He’s so sweet??? and kind and gentle??? And he notices the small things and really cares about MC and her well-being?? He made her a lucky charm ffs can u imagine this really powerful person making u a good luck charm bc he doesn’t want you to feel lonely and worried??? I mean, sure, things were kinda awkward at the beginning, but they do get better. The whole romance thing is slow-burn, but that’s why I love it; it feels more natural. The character development!! You can actually feel the difference between the start of the route and the end. I think their relationship is a nice example of just how much can one person make you grow regardless of your relationship with them being platonic or romantic. And he values MC’s opinions!! Even on the things like war/clan despite her coming from a totally different place.

And and and those small intimacies like holding hands and cute kisses and touching foreheads? I am made of soft&cute this is my breathing substrate. And that blush is adorable and his eyes are beautiful and the story broke my heart he didn’t deserve all of that just let him be happy pls. I just, I love him so so much

3. ARE YOU STILL PLAYING THE GAME ITSELF, OR ARE YOU JUST ACTIVE IN FANDOM?

*whispers* Voltage, would you like my organs??? I’ve been playing since the moment I’ve joined and I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper. I wanted to be a casual player, but I have no chill and I’m already too attached to characters? Oops 

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE VOLTAGE FANDOM?

Idk about others, bc I’m active only in the slbp department, but I like how active and open ppl here are. I haven’t seen a otome fandom this active in a long while? Everyone adds something, whether it’s a fic/hc or a drawing, a summary, a discussion or bunch of screenshots god bless u all

5. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU’D SEE MORE OF IN SAMURAI LOVE BALLAD PARTY?

I want MC to learn how to fight!! With actual weapons!! And brain!! Diplomacy!! Let her grow and adapt to her surroundings!! Let her fight and defend!! I get the whole pacifist thing, but self-defense is like basics  when ur bf owns a province??? I’m getting tired of seeing her being left behind when her lover goes to war. I want to fite!! Or she could be a field medic, that’s a+++ too.

And like, if we could have some Masamune’s sprites where we can see both of his eyes… Or like… repeat the events so I can play everything I missed…. I can’t give u my money, but I have a pair of functioning kidneys…

6. END WITH A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF

Hello, my name is Jovana I just really like cats. I usually use Ana, bc my name is generic. Currently studying veterinary medicine in the University of Belgrade and crying over fictional characters. I’m super awkward with these, but I swear I’m a friendly young cat lady who likes baking and platonic relationships. Tbh, lately I’ve been only active here and in Haikyuu fandom? and I really need to read the latest chapter bc I saw some cats there thank you Furudate. U should befriend me bc u get good benefits I just have to think of some trust me

tagging: guys, I have no idea who to tag, everyone had already done this?? if u haven’t then do it pls

[golden-affinity]

wacko story time

i’ve never properly told all my shit in 1 shot. it’s very hard to keep track when you suddenly remember more and more details and the story side tracks way way too much. i will try to keep it as on track as possible. i will also do this in narrative form. one of the therapist said that it is a way to relive it and stay sane.

also this is more for myself than anything so there will be spelling errors and poor sentence structure and bad punctuation so skip this eyesore of a pity party lmao

but if u actly read it pls dm me so i can kno your thoughts it will help me alot thx

Where do i begin? 

I used to know this girl. Terribly shy. Terribly insecure. Even at a young age. All she ever wanted was attention from her family. Both her parents worked long hours, so she and her twin sister were under the care of their grandparents. 

It was trying being a twin. Perhaps that was where the attention seeking began. They had to share everything. Clothes, shoes, books, a room, attention, birthdays, school, friends. Everything. Normally it would have a novelty. A norm. Children do not know any better. 

The difference in their upbringing was their grandparents. Don’t get me wrong; they had an incredibly privileged life. Home-cooked meals 3 times a day. Toys, books, clothes, a roof over their head. Prestigious education. Loving parents. They were undeniably sheltered. No abuse, no neglect, no suffering.

A perfect life. A perfect upbringing. But not so perfect in hindsight.

Their grandparents, especially their grandmother, was very stern and undeniably manipulative. All their actions and words worked in the undercurrent of their psyche. Reaching and pulling and stretching. Planting doubt, fear, mistrust in each other. They liked to compare the twins. They liked to turn them against each other. Was it out of a misplaced affection? Was it out of simplistic glee at seeing two powerless beings getting confused, like how one would play the magic blanket game with their pets? Or was it born of something more toxic?

In time the girls will learn that their grandmother has a massive inferiority complex and narcissistic tendencies. In current times, it has changed her into a hypochondriac.

But back when they were just 5 years of age, they didn’t know better. They didn’t understand that adults can be wrong. That adults can lie. That adults can be mean. Manipulative. Toxic.

They didn’t know any better. So they trusted. She trusted and believed everything her grandmother told her.

You were adopted, taken from the rubbish bin

Your temper is so bad, why would your parents want you? 

They have your perfect sister.

That is why you are twins. To be replaceable

You are the bad twin.

Your sister got a punishment because of you.

You are the one that always gets her into trouble

You have to watch or diet or you will grow fat

You shouldn’t bathe in hot water or your skin will have wrinkles

When we die, you are going to be very happy right? Because there will be so many sweets (Chinese funeral style)

We don’t know when we are going to die and you are always so rude.

You will regret this

Study harder or your parents won’t love you

You are not doing as well as your sister, your parents won’t love you

If you don’t listen to me, your parents won’t love you

She grew up with massive abandonment issues. And a constant nagging thought of being better. Doing better. Or she will be left behind. Alone. Unloved. Unwanted. Back to the trash where her grandmother told her she was from

Adults don’t lie right? Children do not know any better.

And a handful of incidents proved that inkling in her head - that she was unloved. Unwanted.

When she was 8, she threw and tantrum and got punished by standing in a corner. To retaliate, to seek attention, she scratched her face multiple times. Her father and grandmother saw the aftermath and asked her what happened. To her surprise, she had managed to calm down, by hurting herself, and calmly told them that she cried too much. They relented and relieved her of her punishment. This was her first instance of self harm. And it took root as a viable coping mechanism.

When she was 10, she lost a table tennis game and threw her temper at her mother in public. She screamed and yelled when all she wanted was for someone to hold her, sit her down and ask her what was wrong. Why did she care so much over a stupid game? All she wanted was understanding. But she did not know how to articulate. She was consumed with fear and shame over losing. She handled it by screaming. Shouting. rage as a mask

And then her father slapped her, for the first and last time in her life. She was shocked into silence. That was the first time she actively disassociated. She hadn’t named Claire yet but someone else took over and shut down all her feelings.

The slap scared her. The blackout became rooted deep in her psyche. Even till now, more than a decade later, a man slamming the desk, her husband punching the wall, ignites a knee-jerk reaction to cower. To run. To hide. To self soothe. To let Claire take over

Its ok its ok its ok its ok you have me. Its ok its ok its ok its ok. I’m here for you. And no one else is. Listen to me. Believe me. You have me. only me. I will look after you.

Adults are human too, she knows that now. But what is that to a sensitive, insecure, introverted child?

What is that to a girl who was brought up, loved in all senses, but being constantly told that she wasn’t?

She internalised it all. Struggled with it by herself. She didn’t understand what had gone wrong. What she had done wrong. She became scared to talk about her feelings. Angry with herself for being ungrateful, as she has been told. Upset for not understanding why she hated herself more and more and more. 

And when she was 13, she finally turned to self harm by cutting.

It was a relief to see the blood. The scars. To see the aftermath of her self-punishment. Tangible results of the mess in her head. The chaos within laid bare on their thighs, her wrists, her arms. She never liked the pain but she felt like she deserved it. When she drew her lines, the pain in her heart diminished. But her self hatred grew.

She hated the attention she got from it. She hated the fact that she was drawing attention. She was failing at keeping this simple thing under wraps. she was angry at her self for drawing attention

so, she stopped. Not because she saw that it was wrong, but because too many people knew and it became burdensome to see the pity, the uncertainty. The horror, the helplessness. The babying. It was never what she wanted. It was all forms of love, but deep in her self hatred, she just wanted to be left alone.

And so everyone thought she was stable and just as she was left alone again, she turned to ED for a coping mechanism.

It was easy. It was simple. Girls diet all the time. No one suspects. Not back then, at least. 

Both her and her twin have always dieted. Even at 7, 8, 9, 10 years old. What else do you do when your grandmother is breathing down your neck telling you to watch your diet?

Anorexia was a hideous, painful journey. More than she bargained for. She did not know the puddle she thought she was wading in was actually a soul-sucking black hole that very few emerge out of. She did not know how deeply ingrained the ED thoughts would envelope her mind like a parasite, surfacing in times of weakness and uncertainty. She did not know that this coping mechanism would become an addiction for years and years to come.

From scars to numbers. One hyper fixation after another. 

And all this, because of her biggest insecurity - abandonment. 

She had to be perfect. All the time. Or she would be left behind.

By who? Whom? What? How? Why?

She lost track of it all. All she knew was chasing down self punishment in times of imperfection and that very same self punishment became a drug for her masochistic mind.

She lost track of the friends who stood by her. Of her family that still loves her. Of her mum that visited her everyday in the hospital. Of the teachers who took personal time to visit her, talk to her, counsel her.

Her black hole of self punishment was consuming her.

And yet, no one gave up on her. And in moments of clarity she saw that and did her best to fight back. It took another 3 years before she got out but she did.

And this is where you cue a happy ending.

She still had abandonment issues but they were dissipating. She still had massive trust issues but she was actively trying to combat them. Things were looking up. And in all that time spent in her head, she came to peace with her other self. The one that encourages ED and self harm to take away the emotional pain. For a while, her 2 selves came to an understanding that anxiety and embarrassment and pain is a part of life. She also realised what she wanted to do with her life. She grew so much, from the girl she once was.

That was until her cousin screwed it all up by loving her

more than he should have