#(the video essay was made by a bi trans woman and she talks a lot about rtd making queer rep encompassing lived experiences rather than

[aq2003]

Too bad RTD's entire filmography is crazy biphobic. Man don't give a fck about bi representation.

while i have only actually watched doctor who and casanova and this video essay i feel kind of pretty safe dying on the hill that he does care a lot about queer rep (bi rep included) he's just, like.. unhinged about it. refuses to make it palatable. i think it's fair to say that the rep he makes doesn't resonate with every bi person or can perpetuate biphobic stereotypes but i think it's also fair to say that he did a lot for pioneering it in the first place. i never watched torchwood but if every main character's kissing a guy and a girl on screen there then like, i do think this is something that matters to him

[danieljgrouse]

Gender

I think most trans and nonbinary people have these memories from their childhood that could be completely normal and inconsequential kids stuff or a proof that this is what they have always been. It is difficult to place a definitive value on these memories. Your childhood behaviour could mean anything and the human memory has the nasty habit of being coloured by our present. Still, I suspect we all sometimes sit there and wonder. Whether we have always known or not, we still have these little pieces of the past of inderminent value.

I used to play with dolls occasionally and was fascinated by beauty products. Sometimes strangers would assume I was a girl when they’d meet me. It always made me feel strange. On one hand, I was flattered, they obviously did it because they thought I was cute and pretty and so I had to be a girl. I liked the idea of people thinking I’m cute and pretty. But it also made me angry that being cute and pretty was a girl thing.

My family would tease me for liking red and wanting to wear red clothes. “Red is a girly colour!” (Now, if you’re thinking “Dan, is that a local thing? Is red considered a feminine colour where you live?” … No, not really, I still don’t get it.) Whenever my mum would be fixing anything around the house she would say “you should be doing this, not me, it’s a man’s job”, which would just make me quietly angry. I never understood these weird gender stereotypes men’s job thins, women’s job that, plus I was a child and she was an adult, pretty sure she was more qualified and none of it was a job for an eight-year-old.

Once I reached my teenage years I had begun understanding that I should probably try to fit in. I was worried about people seeing me as more of a weirdo than they already had. I didn’t want “Is he gay?” to be part of their distaste for me. Even though I kept asking that question about myself constantly. So I would start leaning into the masculinity thing. In my weird and misguided way. Not really macho, just… a twitter egg. With all of the self-important cluelessness, just with better intentions. I’m still paying for that part of my life, trying to unlearn all of the bad habits, it’s a fun source of self-loathing.

Then came uni and I slowly started becoming less of a shitty person yet still a totally clueless one. See my whole life, since the moment I knew transgender people existed, quite possibly even before that, I would occasionally stop in my tracks (literally, I would stop in the middle of the street) and think “Am I trans? Am I a woman? Would being a woman make me happier?”. The answer would always be “No, I don’t think I would be any more happy as a woman.” and so I would carry on with my life being totally convinced I was a cis man. There was an essay about our personal identity I had to write for a social psychology course. I wrote about how I was a white European cis straight man and how the cis straight man parts of my identity really never felt like a real and important parts of me probably because thanks to my privilege I never really had to think about them (conveniently totally ignoring the fact there was never a point in my life since my teenage years when I wasn’t questioning my sexuality and my gender).

Not long after I began realising things. My asexuality, being bi/pan, started accepting being aro-spec much later on. It had actually started with pronouns years before. I had realised I was uncomfortable gendering random people, especially non-specific ones. And then I had realised I prefered to think about myself in gender-neutral terms. Somehow not even that managed to tip me off. And then this video came along. And suddenly many things started making sense. I never really cared for my assigned gender, it never really felt like me. But neither did the other binary one. And being “misgendered” never really did much to me. Sure, I probably wouldn’t feel better as a woman but I wasn’t a man either. I didn’t have to be either. My discomfort with gendered terms suddenly started making sense. I realised I was agender. And started following the work of more trans people. And releasing more and more things as I would identify with many of their experiences. Figuring out that some of the feelings I used to connect with my depressive episodes were actually dysphoria.

I identify as nonbinary now. Most of the time I don’t really experience gender. Sometimes I feel dysphoric and wish I could present differently and have a different body. But I know that if I did have a different body I would still feel dysphoric, just in the opposite direction. My experience of my self is way too fluid. Sometimes I feel feminine and my life becomes painful. Sometimes I feel masculine and I question whether I’m just faking it all. Sometimes I feel like something completely different. Most of the time, I don’t get the whole gender thing. Most of my social dysphoria doesn’t come from wanting to do things that would be more me but rather not being allowed to do things and being expected to do others based on gender norms I truly do not comprehend.

My dream is to one day be allowed to be out and do whatever I want. Both because I would be happier as myself but also because I feel bad about being in the closet. I feel like I’m letting down all the people who still have to figure things out and who need the inspiration and encouragement from their fellow queer people who are further along the journey. I feel bad about pretending to be a cis man and being allowed all the privileges that come with that, even if I have to pay with my mental wellbeing for that. I feel like there’s a lot of figuring out I still need to do but can’t as long as I don’t experiment and stay closeted. But the reality is that for as long as I need to rely on work to be able to eat and pay the bills I can’t afford to visibly break out of the expected mould. Already I have people use homophobic slurs when talking about me behind my back when they think I can’t hear them.I can’t really help anyone on their journey of self-discovery by being that queer on the street who has it figured out and is just being themself. But I can at least write a wall of text nobody will read in hopes it might help still someone. And if not, at least it helps me to get all of these thoughts out of my head.

[hashtagtransanthology-blog]

Contributor Interview: Gabriel D. Vidrine

Next up: Gabriel talks about their essay on The Crow, YA novels, and what they watch on Netflix on Friday nights. 

1. Tell us a bit about yourself and what you generally write.

First and foremost, I am a scientist, but I’ve wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember. I wrote my first full-length novel at 16 (it was terrible, don’t ask, but it was cyberpunk). I entered short story contests before then, as well, but didn’t win. I never thought I’d be any good at it, or be able to make a living off of it. So scientist it was. I write what I like to read. I primarily write fantasy (epic and urban) and horror (paranormal and survival), but I’ve dabbled in science fiction, erotica, and essays. Out of nowhere, I wrote a trans YA summer romance story. Not much has been good enough to publish yet, but I keep hoping!

 2. What is your essay for #Trans about?

My essay is about how I realized I was trans through the help of pop culture and media, specifically movies, comic books, and video games. It took me a long time to be okay with how important pop culture was to me (at least, the pop culture subgroups I enjoyed) and how it affected what I thought about my gender identity. It’s also a comment on how difficult it is to find those identities that are liminal – in between – like being bi and nonbinary.

 3. Katherine Cross describes her realization of being trans (and a feminist) as a series of 'clicks' on a keyboard in online space. What was your 'click' moment when you realized you were trans?

I didn’t have much of a click moment (though she does describe it as a series of them, and I can see that). I’m a horror writer, so it’s probably easiest for me to describe it as something like the creeping dread. There was not one moment, but many small ones, building up over time, until I could no longer deny what I was experiencing. I never noticed my feelings until I was looking back over them, drowning in them, and just couldn’t ignore them anymore. I had always felt boyish, but it wasn’t until many things fell into place that I realized I was actually trans.

4. What is your next project?

Getting fiction published! My trans YA romance is nearly ready to be shopped around, so I’m hoping that I can find an agent or a publisher who is looking for something like it. (Shameless plug: it’s an ownvoices trans boy m/m fluffy summer camp romance!) I’m also working hard on getting my dance career revived and vlogger career started. It hasn’t left as much time for writing, but I keep trying. I’m currently writing a trans epic fantasy

5. You're given a time machine. Do you go forwards or backwards in time? Why? What do you do?

Forward. Definitely forward. I want to see how humanity turns out, if we survive the coming years. More importantly, does the Earth survive us? How have we all fared, and what direction did we take? If things look good, especially for trans people, I want to stay there. If things look bad, I’d come back and see what we could do to avoid that fate (provided we don’t run into any Oedipus-like problems).

6. What is your favourite book written by a trans or nonbinary writer?

I’m a bad trans person. Admittedly, I have not yet read that many books by trans or nonbinary writers. I’m a sucker for genre fiction and I’m super picky about it. There isn’t as much written by trans people in the genres I enjoy as there are in regular fiction, non-fiction, and YA genres. I have read Elliot Wake’s (writing as Leah Raeder) Cam Girl, which has beautiful writing but just isn’t my genre. I have also read If I Was Your Girl, Some Assembly Required (which was probably the most important for me), and Rethinking Normal. I just bought Peter Darling but I haven’t started it yet. I haven’t yet read anything that has spoken to my soul, a “Yes, this,” but I have enjoyed what I’ve read so far. I have made it a priority this year to read as many trans-written books as I can, even if they aren’t my genre, so I’m actively looking for books I will hopefully enjoy.

7. What historical figure--trans or cis--would you like to have dinner with? What would you ask them, and what would you order?

These sorts of questions are so hard, lol! I tend to find history boring (unless it involves dragons or something) so I don’t really idolize any historical figures. I’ve met a few people I’ve idolized before and it’s always underwhelming (you find out they’re human, just like everyone else, with prejudices and weird habits and such). There are a few people I think I want to preserve my interior image of instead! The only person I can think of would be Anne McCaffrey. Her work changed my life and started my dragon obsession. A lot of it went over my head when I discovered it (I read my first book of hers in fifth grade), and I think a lot of her work is deeply misunderstood today. I would like to talk to her about it, about why and how she was able to sneak in gay people without being too obvious, and still have her work be taken seriously in the 60s and 70s, especially as a woman author writing science fiction (with gay people!). Since we’d likely be in Ireland or England somewhere, a good British pub sounds about right. I’m fond of Cornish pasties. It makes me incredibly sad that I never got to meet her before she passed.

8. What's one message, image, or feeling do you want people to take away from your work?

A lot of my work is about pain. Internal pain, external pain, the suffering it causes. I want people to know that pain doesn’t have to stop your life. That when you feel overwhelmed by it – no matter its source – that there is someone out there to help you, to share it, to take it away. That none of us have to suffer alone, and to reach out to those who love you when you are in pain. I know that’s hard; I have suffered a lot of emotional, psychic, and physical pain in my life. I’ve struggled with reaching out. I try to bury it, to suffer alone, to not bother anyone with it. Please, bother someone with it. It’s worth it.

9. It's Friday night and your plans fall through. What do you do instead?

Either I spend my night dutifully sewing a new dance costume while listening to a documentary on Netflix (old castles, LGBTQIA, or true crime) or I tell my guilt to go to hell and spend all night playing video games.

10. Finally, what is your social media of choice? How can people contact you?

I’m on Facebook the most, but I use that for mostly private, personal interaction with irl friends and family. Twitter is the best way to contact me otherwise, but I’m all over the Internet. I have an Instagram where I post pictures of my silly cat and weight loss progress, if that’s of any interest, or they can email me at vidrinegabriel@gmail.com or contact me through my Tumblr (though I don’t use it as much as I should).

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Thank you, Gabriel! Up next: Shawn Dorey.