#(unfortunately i am not going to ever be able to work on it consistently until i fix my brain. so)

[loveforneteyam]

Hello! I would like to request for Neteyam x reader angst-to-fluff headcanons for how he would react if his s/o flinched during an argument, please and thank you!

❝flinch❞ ( neteyam suli )

summary: even in the heat of an argument, neteyam wouldn't dare to hurt you, so it breaks his heart when you think otherwise. pairing: neteyam x omaticaya!reader wordcount: 782 contains: some angst! fighting/arguments, neteyam's kinda mean note: my first request and first fic! this idea is so good!this is so perfect for our favorite boy. i'm not the best at headcanons, i hope this is good...thank you for your request!

ma syulang : my flower ma txe'lan : my heart

masterlist

You and Neteyam don't easily argue. Every relationship has a few up's and down's, but you have always been able to calmly work through it. You know just how to calm him down if he's ever stressed or flustered with his duties as the future olo'eyktan, and he knows just how to soothe your nerves.

So when you have your first real, emotional argument, it's completely unexpected.

Neteyam had an exhausting day that consisted of keeping Lo'ak in check, making sure that Tuk wasn't running off into the forest again, and following any other orders that his father gave. Most of the time, Neteyam could compose himself until he'd join you in bed at night and you would hold him through whatever was bothering him.

However, this particular night, Neteyam returned to your shared tent in silence. You could see the frustration in his eyes, so you immediately ran to console him. "What is wrong, ma 'Teyam?"

"Nothing, ma syulang." He was lying and you could tell. He practically threw his bow onto its stand. You rested your hands on his shoulders. "Please, it has been a long day."

"Let me help you," you cooed, pulling him to a seat. He sat down and you began to pluck the colorful feathers from his braids. You'd collected newer, cleaner ones earlier that day. "Is it your father?"

"It is not just him, (y/n)," he sounded annoyed with you and you couldn't tell why. What had you done to bother him in the few minutes he'd been home? "I just want to go to sleep."

You pressed a kiss to his temple. "I found new feathers today, ma txe'lan. Let me remove these and then we may rest."

He huffed out a harsh sigh that felt like a cut in your heart. Your hands stopped their movements; your eyes softened. "Neteyam...have I done something wrong?"

The only thing that was wrong was that Neteyam felt like all of his responsibilities during the day were piling up on top of him. Although he loved to spend time with you more than anything else, it felt suffocating to be insistently questioned when all he wanted was to fall asleep with you in his arms.

Unfortunately, he didn't communicate it that way. "Ma (y/n)," his voice was unusually deep and agitated. "I want to be left alone."

Alone? This was completely foreign to you. Neteyam had never wanted to be alone before. "What did I do?" Your voice almost cracked as tears collected in your eyes.

"You have been irritating me this whole time!" He shot up from his seat, causing you to stumble onto your bottom, knocking over the small bowl of feathers that you collected. "When I come home, I just want to spend time with you...I do not want to be bothered!"

Neteyam had never raised his voice at you like this. When he turned towards you, you closed your eyes and flinched your head to the side. His heart broke.

It was silent for a few moments. Your eyes remained shut until you noticed that Neteyam could barely breathe. When you looked to him, his lips parted with small, panicked breaths. "Ma syulang..." he began, falling to his knees and moving closer to you.

"I'm sorry," you muttered, trying to ignore the tears that were now evidently running down your cheeks.

He shook his head while you tried to hurriedly collect the feathers in the bowl again. "Oh, (y/n)," his hand gently grabbed yours. You would not meet his eyes. "I would never hurt you. I am sorry."

"'S alright, Neteyam."

Neteyam pulled you to him and cupped your face with his hand, gently rubbing the tears away. "You've done nothing wrong. I should never raise my voice like that with you, I'm so sorry, ma (y/n)." You leaned into his hand and wrapped your arms around him to pull him closer to your frame. He embraced you, holding your head to his chest. "Please, don't cry, I would never hurt you. I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me?"

[larkingame]

hello all! been a moment since we last discussed some things, so I'm coming online to discuss the progress of Larkin's development and make a few announcements :)

over the last ten months, larkin has gone through a lot of changes, some of which I've documented here--but most of it I've kept pretty private. I realized that over the few short years I've been developing the game, I sort of grew an unhealthy dependence on my presence within the 'interactive fiction' community that I really, really needed to take a step back from and break, all in order to ensure that I could enjoy working on what originally started out as a passion project for me.

since july of last year, I've completely reshaped and rewritten how larkin exists as a project, shifted it's genre and started collaborating with a few others to ensure it can be of the highest quality it can possibly be. uptop, i'd like to mention @tapeworrmart who's taken on the immense task of putting together most of the game art for me, @khiita and @ann1a-1 who have both taken on the roles of my editors (and also sounding boards for when I am being absolutely insane) and my production manager phillip, who without his assistance, larkin would barely exist. with that, let's do a progress report. the intended demo of larkin, or what i've taken to calling 'episode one' (yes, i said, 'episode,' more on that in a minute) has stretched to just over 200k words worth of content. it stretches all the way from the earliest versions of larkin's original prologue, to the end of the original chapter two. so far, we've completed 3 out of the intended 20 character portraits, as well as some more art that's slowly been in development.

now, on to the announcements. probably the biggest, and the one I am most ashamed of is--due to the fact that I've been slammed with graduate school work and some other external factors, Larkin as it currently exists is not the best that I think it can be. I'm deeply sorry for this, but I want to ensure that you all are getting the highest quality game you could get from me--and right now, I know it's just not that. Which is why I am unfortunately, pushing the release of the demo back until Friday, June 14th, 2024. Patrons will be granted access to the most recent edit of the demo two weeks earlier on Friday, May 31st 2024. In the meantime, I will be working day and night (quite literally) to get what I'm dropping on you up to par and something that I'm happy with.

To make up for this disappointment, I'm planning on repopulating the blog with a lot of content over the coming months, rewriting new versions of old asks, posting art and short stories.

Next on the agenda and also an equally important announcement. I'm changing the rating of Larkin to Mature or 18+ As I've been writing these past few months, working through a lot of themes and figuring out the story I want to tell, I've found that I think the change in rating is entirely necessary. While I don't think I've ever had that big of a minor fanbase--I think that this is just what I am most comfortable doing. There has consistently grown a little bit more of gore, and trauma exploration, which is the main reason for this change in rating, but, this does allow for the inclusion of something that I've been toying with since the intial release of the game. There is going to be explicit sex scenes in this new version of Larkin--all of which, you the player are able to opt out of, or completely avoid if that's something you want--but I just thought a little announcement would be warranted. This does not mean however, I am comfortable with answering thoroughly explicit asks or getting unsolicited sexual messages. The goal is to keep this game blog mainly tame.

Please respect this boundary of mine.

Third thing to be announced. I've also changed the format in which Larkin will be released. Rather than around the twenty-five chapters in one of a series of 'Books'/'Games', Larkin will be released episodically over four 'seasons' with eight-ten episodes of around 200k-250k words each (though, this is just an early estimate--they could grow longer, as I'm basing this purely off the demo/Episode One)

Finally and a little bit of a fun note: there are now twelve romance options throughout larkin, five male, three female, one non-binary and three gender-selectable. With those upcoming asks, you'll hear more about each in the coming days :)

With all that being said, I wanted to lastly thank all of you for supporting me over the years and putting faith and your interest in this project. truly, the support of all of you means the world to me and I can't wait to share more of larkin with you all.

thank you 💖

[nighty-night-nh]

I finished two books in the span of a month, be proud of me.

Here I stand on the other side of Eagle Strike and I have some Thoughts. A little negative to start but we go up from there.

First off, not gonna lie, I think I was less engaged with the book than the others for the first half. Unfortunately I didn’t find Damian Cray an interesting main villain at the start or when it was all over. He’s at the bottom of favorite main bad guys for me at the moment behind Julius Grief, and I like Grief so that’s an oof for him. He does get brownie points for the pennies execution method and his own ‘Syndrome from The Incredibles’ adjacent death.

Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely bits at the start I enjoyed. Like the fact that we hardly get 300 words into the book and Yassen is just There to ruin Alex’s holiday and the matador moment but overall it was a slightly sad “Ok he’s dealing with a madman with nukes that thinks he’s doing the world a favor two books in a row. Sarov did this way better than you months ago and this book is rapidly ending. Where is the third act shoe-drop that makes people like this book?”

And, um, the shoe certainly did drop. Several of them.

Starting with Sabina’s kidnaping at the hospital. Not only was it the first ‘normal’ thing in the book grounding it to reality but it just made me feel sick to my stomach because something like that happens to girls often irl. I really hope she does ok until the next time we see her. Then there’s the whole business with the plane. I’m not American but as somebody who watches videos speculating on hypothetical WWIII start points, the hijacking of air force one did properly freak me out.

And finally, what you’ve probably been waiting for me to get to: Yassen and The Big Reveal.

Yall just watched me get attached to this man knowing full well this is the book he died in, huh.

I was so enjoying him fighting himself on what he was doing with Alex and trying hard not to strangle Damian. Of course there’s the conflict of interest: Money vs not being able to live with himself if he killed the son of the man who saved him. No wonder he spoke so fondly of him. I mean he still put him in the bull ring but w/e. But this isn’t everything. He may be dead now but I’m still in the dark about a part of his story. Why and how did he start? How did he get to be this good, and this hardened to contract work? Where exactly did his code of not killing kids come from? It couldn’t have been from Alex, he already didn’t kill kids. I have so many questions that’ll probably get answered in the next few books.

My last point of note is realizing the Rider brothers were on two sides of the same coin. They both killed. John was a contract killer for money, Ian worked for MI6 and both hid it from people in their lives. Did they know? Did they ever know? We can’t ask dead men questions, can we.

Now with all of that out of my system, I move onto Scorpia. Which is the book I am actively scared of. I heard whispers of it in Never Say Die, Its consistently voted the favorite of the entire series and I’ve heard it’s the start of Alex’s even emo-er arc which he 100% deserves by the way.

I am in for a world of pain for this next book n’ I don’t think I’m ready.

[ursynes]

I recently started working on a Big Noelle Thing that I've been wanting to make ever since Chapter 2 came out! + some words on the future of this blog!

I'm the type to sweat over every little detail, so the Big Noelle Thing is going to take... a while... haha. I'm hoping that posting my process here might help me stay motivated.

Unfortunately, due to uni workload and some sad family circumstances, I won't be able to draw my silly fanart for a while. That said, I am blown away by the response on the couple drawings I have posted so far! I hope you stick around until I have more to show you.

I am an art student, & work freelance in an unrelated field. On top of that, I have my regular IRL affairs to take care of. I don't want this blog to be something I stress over, I have more than enough deadlines in my life - so updates here will never ever be consistent. I want this blog to bring joy, both to me and to you.

I felt the need to say something, because there's been a lot of people following me off the little I've posted so far - having all these eyes on me is a bit intimidating, ngl! So I suppose this is my giving you the lay of the land and how things will be over on this lil patch of hellsite from now on.

Thanks for reading this far - and have a chill day/night!

-ursynes

[darklydeliciousdesires]

The Dark Passenger - Chapter Twelve.

Okay besties, because I just know that this is going to make you all like “WTF is happening??” when you get to the end, I am prepared to release the next chapter as soon as I notice this one pass 40 notes, rather than leave you waiting until after the weekend! You want it? You know what to do!

Previous chapters - One  Two  Three  Four  Five  Six  Seven  Eight  Nine  Ten  Eleven

Words - 3,988

Warnings - 18+ content throughout, minors DNI!

Tag list - In the comments. Please DM to be added/removed

“Yeah, look at the way you take it, god damned sexy girl. That’s the best cock in the world, isn’t it? Mmm, no one gives it like I do, do they?”

Slow, slow, quick, quick, quick, slow. With a slight hip rotation on the slow, while holding her leg to his chest, head dipped to kiss her ankle, his thumb dragging sparks at her clit.

Yes. EZ Reyes was the fuck the century to Camille, who he was making a continued huge effort with. That effort mostly consisted of keeping her so damned dick drunk and in a permanent state of love bombed that his need for control flew right under her radar. She did, as she had many times before, mistaken these actions for adoration, rather than manipulation. He also continued this by visiting with her family, making friends with her father, who seemed to adore him, Marge a little cooler, EZ planning to charm her into some warmth.  

For that moment, though, it was her daughter who was his sole focus.

“Yes, yes it is! Ahhh, fuck I love you so much, you and that perfect, big cock.” Her words of confirmation had his self-satisfied grin broadening, leaning to kiss her with ember and honey edged passion, panting hard as he felt the edges of himself catching fire against her. “Tell me I’m your baby, tell me you love me.”

“You’re my baby, and fuck, how I fucking love you.” His body fell to cover hers then, railing her into the bed, the viscid clench of her cunt tightening on him as she wrapped her legs around his waist, crying out as white-hot pleasure crashed over her, her very bones glimmering, EZ filling her with cum as his own release charged through him like wild horses.  

They lay curled around each other, both sleepy with bliss, pleasure ebbing away slowly, wishing they could just lay there and return to slumber. Unfortunately, with it being a Monday morning, Camille had work to get to, and EZ and appointment with Ramona Sanchez, his therapist, whom he’d been visiting for the last month in order to get a hold on his issues.  

The diminutive psychologist was incredibly proficient at her job, but unfortunately for her, she had no clue that the only thing she was facilitating the help of was EZ being able to somewhat keep his darkness more covert, the techniques she was teaching him for getting a hold on his anger being directly applied to his shadow self, to keep it hidden more cleverly.  

One of the things she was teaching him was how to control his reaction to what had triggered him, and whether the triggering stimulus was truly an accurate assessment of reality. “In these moments where you feel yourself losing control from a reactive point of view, it is imperative that you stand back and question the justness of the reaction. In doing so, a calming place can be achieved, which is what you must focus upon, Ezekiel. Finding the calm means that the anger does not win, and you thus regain your control of the situation. Our goal is, as ever, to supress the urge to choose anger.”

She had also been assisting him in finding the root cause of said anger, which, in his more candid moments, he did find honest interest in getting to the bottom of. Well, truly, he knew why he became so angry, it was triggered by his loss of control in a situation, but understanding why he needed that control in the first place was something he found to be beneficial.

When the darkness within him allowed for it.

While he was doing the whole journey of discovery bit, Camille was on one of her own, too, but hers was to do with outward aesthetics rather than inner workings of the mind, and not her own either.  

“Okay, smile really wide for me,” she spoke, Tallulah doing just that. “And keep smiling even though I know this is going to suck!” In the needle went, her friends smile turning to more of a grimace as the botox was syringed into her smile lines, grumbling and gritting through the pain.  

It had been an appointment Camille had been putting off for three weeks, on account of the fact she didn’t want anyone to see her so up close after the damage she’d been left with in the wake of EZ punching her. The bloodshot eye alone had taken four days to calm down and turn back to white, and the rest she’d hid under heavy makeup, taking time away from both jobs so that she wouldn’t be asked any uncomfortable questions, explaining her absence on a sprained ankle. Very few people knew about the incident, just the guys in the club, Amelia and Bella.  

She intended for it to stay that way as well, because she knew only too well what people like Tallulah and Mai would have to say about it. They’d question her sanity in staying with a man who had displayed controlling behaviour over the course of their five-month relationship, and one who had now turned physically abusive as well. She just had to hope that the incident could be chalked up as singular, because if he did it again, she was gone. Her mind was made up there, but shit, how she did not want that ever to be the decision she had to make, hopelessly in love with him that she was.  

He was trying now, though, really trying. He no longer left her hanging on him for one thing, usually always getting back to her quite quickly if she’d called and he hadn’t answered, making more time to see her, being attentive and present. A lot of it was to bring her back under control, although he did acknowledge that some of it was because he did genuinely love her. But, sadly for Camille, there were some bad habits he had absolutely no intention of putting behind him.  

“Missed me, didn’t you?” he asked, Dina bouncing on his cock, having met her back at the clubhouse after a morning of outlaw endeavours.  

She gave him a smouldering look, leaning down to kiss him with filthy heat. “God, yes. You know I always miss you. I dunno why you have that other girl, you know. You could just be with me. I know you like me better.” Because he could, that’s why he did.  

“I don’t, but nice flex, babe.” He was all sarcasm and ego, because again, he knew he could be. Dina wouldn’t say anything about it, because if she did, he’d stop fucking her.  

“Then why do you keep coming back between my legs, EZ? What is it that I have that she doesn’t? I mean, come on. There has to be something. I know I’m better than her.”

He snorted, hands gripping her hips. “Wanna know why I fuck you? Because you let me, that’s why. You’re a means to an end, that’s it. As for being better? Don't kid yourself. You’ve seen Camille. Do you honestly think you’re anywhere close to being in her league? She’s a knockout, and you’re gutter trash with a decent pussy. That’s it. I mean, I can sit here and bounce you on my cock while insulting you to hell and back, because you won’t stop me. Nobody has dick swinging game like I do.”

He grasped her throat when she went to protest, his eyes darkening, chuckling to himself. “You’re a whore, that’s your job, so shut up and do your job.” She did, and it fed his ego beautifully, EZ getting off on the fact he had complete control over her, his hand grasping her throat tighter, pulling her down so she was level with his face. “And if you ever dare tell her, I’ll make you sorry. You’ll only be sorry once, too.”  

Dina gulped, knowing the connotations very, very clearly. He was president of an MC, after all. He could make her disappear with minimal effort. She felt sick at the way he smiled at her all the way through, frightened by him truly for the first time, of what he could do to her, what he would do to her. As soon as he was finished, she was off him and out of there before he’d even had chance to pull the condom off.  

He could have dictated she didn’t get to leave, but he was bored of her by that point. He’d only needed something warm and convenient to blow his load in, his preferred source of that working until late at the salon and then going out with her mom. He had his own affairs to iron out that evening, him and the guys riding out to deal with some further shit thrown at the by the Sons. Meanwhile, Camille was having a lovely time with her mom.

“So, Candie called me this morning, and I don’t know how abreast you are of the situation, but her professors have all stated she’s on track for her PhD once she’s finished her bachelors. How amazing is that?” Marge revealed with pride, her eldest’s eyes widening.

“She was always the smartest, and I’m so thrilled for her. I really am,” Camille enthused, Marge reaching for her hand with a little frown.

“Hey, now listen,” she began, a gentle hand touched to her cheek. “All three of my kids are smart, you hear? Candiace is the academic, you’re the business brains in money making, and Cody is anything relating to tech. I won’t hear you put yourself behind her, just because you chose a different path. Not on my watch, Camille Teresa Smith.”  

She nodded, but still, her inferiority to her younger sister shone through. “Yeah, but Candie is doing it in the way that makes you and daddy proud. I can’t imagine my route has filled you with quite so much of the same.”  

Marge’s frown deepened. “You stop that right now. True, daddy and I were a little concerned when you began dancing at the club, but I’ll tell you this, my girl. You walk out of that place some nights when the going is good with over a thousand dollars in your back pocket, and for what? Giving a few guys a fantasy, a bit of a tease. You hold the power, and that shows you’re smart.  

“So, you flash ‘em a little T and A, so what? It isn’t forever, you have your dream and you’re working towards that. Also, how many other twenty-five-year-olds out there drive such a gorgeous car and only have twenty years left on their mortgage, huh? Pretty soon, you’ll have your salon as well, then your chain, and you’ll be doing all you’ve ever dreamed of.”

Her mom always had a way with her words, to reassure her when Camille felt a little less than. Marge had seen it in her always, though, the way she automatically felt inferior to others, having issues with her confidence. “Speaking of the club, I have to ask. What does the boyfriend think about you working there? Some guys, they can be a little... unenthusiastic, shall we say.”  

“Well, since that’s where he met me, he’s always known what I do for an extra income and been fine with it,” she began, sipping her drink. “We had a, ah... a heated exchange about it once, but that was more because he was upset that I’d decided to go in on a day I’d booked off to spend with him in order to help Martin out.”  

Sharp as she was, Marge detected it, a tiny little play on her daughter’s face that revealed a lot more than her words did. Whatever that heated exchange had consisted of, it had stayed with her. She knew Camille wasn’t a fighter, though, and hated conflict of any kind, so put it to the back of her mind. For then, at least.  

They’d just finished their desserts when Marge suddenly saw her daughter’s face light up, feeling a presence behind her.

“And how are the most gorgeous women in Santo Padre this evening?” EZ questioned with his usual charm, Marge turning with a smile, making the effort. There was still something she felt from that was off, but she knew she had to be friendly for Camille’s sake.

“If I see them, I’ll ask,” she quipped, welcoming him with a little hug, returning his cheek kiss. “How are you?”  

“Tired. I did plan on going home and getting an early night, but I saw Camille’s car outside and quickly remembered the name of the restaurant she said you guys would be at as I was on my way back, so thought I’d show my face.” Sitting down, he greeted Camille with a kiss, stopping a passing waitress and ordering a round of drinks with her. They eventually moved into the bar area when the restaurant needed the table back, all the while with Camille ignoring her persistently ringing phone, not wanting to be rude.  

“Might be important,” her mom nodded, when it rang for the sixth time.  

Camille still looked bad as she pulled it from her bag, polite to a fault as she was. “It’s Martin. I won’t be long.”  

Marge noticed right away, the change in EZ’s demeanour, his chest widening as it stiffened, watching his girlfriend intently.

“Really? God, that much for just a lap dance? And that’s all I have to do, no schmoozing with the party or anything?” Continuing to listen, she nodded, excusing herself to Martin when EZ pressed a hand to her shoulder.  

“What does he want?”  

“Erm, I’m...”

“Camille? We’ve talked about this before, that guy thinking he can call you up at the last minute and make you drop your plans.” Instantly, Marge saw it, her eyes darting between them. Fear.  

“Martin, I’ll call you back.” she hung up quickly, turning to her boyfriend, taking his hand. “There’s a party in tonight, and one of the guys is a regular, a wealthy one too, asking for me specifically. Marting explained that it was my night off, but he’s adamant that he wants me. He’s offering me five hundred for a private dance. I’ll be in and out of there, so it seems like too much of a good offer to pass up on. Mom, do you mind?”

Marge shook her head. “Not at all, chickadee. Five hundred bucks is five hundred bucks. You’d be a fool to turn down that kind of quick cash.”  

“I mind,” EZ began, his words delivered emphatically. “You can’t just go running when he whistles for you, Camille. You need to set some boundaries on your free time.”  

“But baby, it’ll only be a short time,” she reasoned, EZ not looking pleased at what her stance was appearing to be.

“I had hoped you’d come back to mine tonight.”  

Marge sat back and viewed it, thinking that the guy who had the problem here wasn’t Martin at all. Camille needed to excuse herself to one person. Her. The person she was out with. EZ had only popped by because he’d happened to be passing.  

“Well, I still can. After I’ve called in at the club,” she spoke fairly, trying hard to placate him. “Don’t be mad at me, baby. Hey, come on. Remember what you’ve been discussing with Ramona.”

His glare made Marge stiffen, her body on high alert. “Do not mention that in front of your mother. Don’t, Camille.”  

“Hey, EZ,” she interjected with, wanting to de-escalate the situation. “I don’t know who Ramona is, or what you’ve been discussing with her, but what I do know is that I won’t sit here idly while you’re being so sharp with my daughter. Now, the only person she needs to excuse herself to is me, since I’m the one she had the plans with, plans that we are more or less at the end of now. She can still go over to your place afterwards, so I fail to see why you’re getting pressed about her taking a few minutes out of her evening to go and earn herself a tidy little wedge of cash.”  

That dark glare was then directed right at her. “Stay out of it.”

“No.”  

He raised his eyebrows. “You really, really should, you know.”  

“EZ, freakin’ cool it!” Camille exclaimed, rubbing his arm. “Don’t talk to my mom like that!”

Marge merely leaned forward in her seat. “Is that a threat? I don’t threaten well.”

He gathered himself then, realising the control he craved was slipping. “I apologise, Marge. I just have your daughter’s best interests at heart, but perhaps I overreacted.” He nodded, turning to Camille with a smile. “Go tell him you’ll be there. I can wait a little longer for you to get to my place, it isn’t a big deal. I’m sorry if I made it out to be.”  

She excused herself to go outside and call Martin, the restaurant loudening as a birthday cake was brought out, the huge group of people beginning to sing to the woman sitting with her hands over her face. As soon as Camille was gone, Marge eyed EZ sharply.  

“I appreciate the apology, but what I do not appreciate is you trying to control my daughter like that. She mentioned earlier to me that you’d gotten upset in the past about her being called in at short notice. I don’t understand why you consider that to be a problem. It doesn’t affect you at all,” she stated, not prepared to leave things where they were.  

Marge Smith never let it go, if someone was hostile with her for no reason. Even if they had a reason, she still defended herself if she knew she wasn’t the one in the wrong. In this case, she was defending her daughter, too.  

He paused for a few seconds, feeling the dark wave within him rising. To his credit, he actually did try and supress it. Not hard enough, though. “My reasons are my reasons. Now, I advised you before to stay out of it. That’s what you need to do here.”

She leaned forward in her chair, her blue eyes staring at him unflinchingly. “Or what? You know when I said I don’t threaten well? I don’t scare easily either. Don’t think you can frighten me into submission like you probably do with my daughter.” A little twitch of his eyebrows gave it away. “Oh yes, that’s right. I’m perceptive. I know control when I see it.”

“You don’t know shit. Back down. And believe me, I should frighten you.” His anger was only inflated more by Marge’s entertainment, laughing softly, completely unshaken.  

“Ezekiel, have you ever heard of the Beneventi crime family?” she put to him, her smile widening.

“Of course, I have.”

“Good. It’ll spare me a long explanation, then, as I know Camille won’t have told you, we don’t advertise it. My father, Vincenzo Randazzo, was underboss for that family. You might have heard of him, then again you might not unless you’re a mafia geek. Anyway, I digress. Tragically, I lost him to that world, it’s the reason why I moved out here, to get away from it all after what we think was his murder. Of course, we’ll never know. Mob hits don’t tend to be publicised. All I know is that one day my dad was there, and then he wasn’t. So yeah, I grew up in that life, and believe me, I know scary.  

“Those guys, they’re the real deal, shoot-you-as-soon-as-look-at-you types of mean, cold, Italian American gangsters. You? You’re a thug with a Harley, a semi-automatic on your hip and a real fucking big chip on your shoulder about showing everyone who the boss is. You ain’t no boss, son, if you think trying to control a naïve twenty-five-year-old with a soft heart is how you go about flexing that authority. And threatening me because I stood up for her? Please. Don’t make me laugh.”

He reciprocated her lean, nearing her, his face twisting into a smirk. “You have no idea who you’re dealing with, Marge.”

“Incorrect,” she spat quietly, never blinking, never flinching, reaching into her purse beneath the table. “I know exactly who you are, Ezekiel. But you? You have no idea who I am. Wanna know who I am?”  

He scoffed, the gold in his eyes seeming to burn red. “Tell me, other than a bored housewife with a flimsy link to a crime family she ran away from.” That’s the moment he felt the unmistakable press of a gun against his knee.  

“My surname might be Smith now, but buster, I’m Marjorie Randazzo to my very bones, and if you so much as harm a single hair on my daughter’s head, I will find you, and I will finish you. Don’t think I won’t serve serious time for any of my kids, because that’s the kind of mother I am. I’m also my father’s daughter, and you? You’d do very well to remember that.”  

EZ saw it in her eyes, the fact that she had his number, and no, she truly wasn’t afraid. This was somebody he could not control, but Camille? She was different. He was out of his seat without further word, heading outside, making a turning motion with his finger when he saw Camille coming back in.

“EZ, what’s wrong?” He was all agitated vexation; she could see it clearly in the way his jaw muscles flexed and tightened.  

“Your mother just threatened me. I don’t fucking take kindly to anyone poking their nose in my relationship with you, or holding a gun to my knee beneath the table. Go do what you have to do, and I’ll see you back at my place. And tell your mom to keep her goddamned opinions out of our relationship. I fucking apologised, I did right, and she pulls that shit?” Reaching for his face, he wiped a trail of blood from his nose, grumbling to himself. Another stress nosebleed.  

“She what?” Camille yelled, trying to halt him. She knew her mother carried a firearm with her at times, especially in instances like that night where she’d be driving home alone, but honestly, she hadn’t expected her to pull something like that. “EZ, wait.”

“Just go and do what you have to do Camille!” he roared, jogging over to his bike, looking a little shaky on his feet. Just then, her attention was distracted by her mom coming out, her eyes wide and pissed off.  

“That man, Camie? That’s a bad, bad man. I see it in him, and I’m telling you, get away from him now, while you still can.”  

That wasn’t what she did, though. She couldn’t, after turning back to see him suddenly fall to the floor, shaking violently.  

“Oh my god!” She ran as fast as her boots would take her, across the road, dropping to her knees by his side, the horror of seeing him in a full-blown seizure making an Antarctic chill rip right through her. “Mommy! Help me! Call an ambulance!” she screamed, having no clue what to do, stroking his head, remembering somewhere from something that those under the duress of a seizure ran the risk of swallowing their tongue, just about able to turn him onto his side as her mom arrived with her, gently stuffing her jacket under his head while she gave the 911 operator their location.  

“I don’t know if he has epilepsy, but he’s on his side and I just put my jacket under his head,” Marge spoke, looking to Camille.

“He doesn’t, no,” she confirmed, turning back to him. “It’s okay, baby. I’m here, it’s alright.”  

But it wasn’t alright. Before the night was out, they’d all find out just how far from alright it was, too.  

[rexxdjarin]

Some necessary life updates:

Hi I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart for the gap in posting and updating any of my fics lately. It’s been extremely difficult for me to find time to write as of late. I have a lot going on

Unfortunately, I have to move out of my apartment in a few weeks and much of my time is going to be spent moving things into my temporary housing at a family members until my new place (ALL MY OWN WITH NO ROOMMATES EVER AGAIN) is ready for move in some time in October

I am also supposed to be in a wedding soon and have a lot to do to help prepare for it…its very stressful fml

Thirdly….I’ve been trying to look for a new job for months and hopefully as fall comes and people come back from necessary vacations this summer I will be interviewing a lot more and crossing my fingers and sending out every positive vibe in the world that the right job comes along for me and I can finally leave my toxic one for a place I’m happier in and make more money at

All of this to say….I’m not sure the next time I will be consistently writing and updating my WIPs. I am working on them here and there whenever I can. I WILL FINISH THEM. THE STORIES WILL RETURN AND WILL BE COMPLETED. But please please be patient with me and don’t forget about me because I am trying my best. It will just take some time before I’m in a happy and comfortable place to write again.

Thank you to every single lovely amazing beautiful person who reads my work, interacts with me on a daily basis and anyone who has become a close personal friend of mine because of me writing my lil stories and because of our shared love of clones. Genuinely you have all held my heart, soul and mental health together during the time I have truly needed it most. You’ve made my soul happy in more ways than any other people I personally know have ever been able to.

My work will come back very soon. I hope you all stick around to read it. I love you all so much.

[flownintothesun]

𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐘 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑 @batteredoptimist​ —

      Two years ago today, we started talking nonstop every day and it just... didn’t stop. It didn’t stop when Westley and Muriel decided that they needed a whole server for their lemons, and it didn’t change when the server grew to 300+ threads, over 100 new characters, and the greatest stories that I’ve ever told and been a part of in my life. We’ve been a part of each other’s life in a big way for two years now — not counting the three extra years of me being awkward. Sometimes, I sit here and think of how it’s strange how the world works, and when it chooses to bring people who will change your life forever into the picture. Oftentimes I wonder why I hadn’t met you sooner, or when things weren’t so hard — and then I think of how amazing it is that I met you at all.

       When you asked me about my sailor lad a couple years ago, I had no idea my life was about to change course. Having you in my life has been like — breathing magic. There are no words that I can give to you to tell you how much I cherish the existence of you and of James and Muriel and Rosie and Romana and all of the countless others. How many people can say that they get to live their childhood dream with their best friend and partner-in-crime/writing? Every day I wake up and get to write — I get to go on absolutely lovely, wild, magical adventures with this person who matters so dearly to me every time we start a story. I cherish every single moment we’ve been in each other’s lives, I adore our stories, and I am invested in your characters and their adventures just as much as I am my own.

       I know that I sap a lot — but I don’t know if you truly know how profoundly you matter to me. How much I appreciate you and your existence and your presence in my life. There simply is no other Nonny. You’re my Sam (and I would like to be your Sam, too!). I would journey from the Shire to Mordor with you — and you’ve already done so for me. I still feel as though I didn’t deserve you in my life for the longest — but I am trying every single day to learn and grow and bring you a bit of the magic that you’ve brought to my life. And maybe that’s the journey — but I’m so grateful for every moment I get to share with you — even if the distance is a bit unfortunate for IRL adventures. I am always, always on your side for every single adventure, and I will always be cheering you on even in those adventures that I’m not as much a part of.

       You are a wonderful, kind, compassionate human being and you are an old soul just like our dear James. I still see him in you every day, he’s never gone and never far because he lives in your great big soft and caring heart. You also have so much creative talent and passion that it absolutely blows me away — from your love of animation, to your gorgeous art, your world-building, your characters, the whole of it. It means so, so much to me that I’ve gotten to be a part of your creative adventures. And on that note — can you believe it? We’ve written 40 novels worth of words? Over three million now? Seven thousand pages? I love our stories. I adore that it’s you that I get to share them with.

       Thank you so much for being here. For being you. For sharing your magic and kindness and care. For your patience with me. For our stories. For your consistency. For being able to translate me. For giving me the benefit of the doubt. For the flowerpots and adventures. I hope with all of my heart to keep growing into flowerpots with you until we’re old and have been friends forever and have three hundred Discord servers worth of writing, and many adventures (both with the characters and with us, too!) It’s so amazing to me that our creativity together seems so limitless — and despite life throwing a million curve-balls at both of us on the regular, we’re still here because it matters. I’m over here tearing up like a goof. You deserve all of the good things, okay? And I want to be around to see them all. 

      I adore you. I adore James, and Muriel, and Rosie, and Romana. I adore our time. I adore that you're in my life. Happy second year of adventures — I can’t wait to see what the third brings. Hopefully all of the good things, as are much deserved. Either which way — I’m happy to be on this journey with you. Hold that boat, I'm coming with you! ♡

[supnerds]

NINTH! have u watched anything new recently that you liked? or supremely disliked?

okay so I was holding off on answering this until after my exam this morning but then I woke up sick as a dog so now this is my consolation prize.

Anyway!! Let me tell you the wonders of one of the latest shows I’ve watched: Parallel World Pharmacy, aka Isekai Yakkyoku!

so side note I’m coming back to this after finishing typing the whole thing and holy wow I went on a bit of a ramble. Idk how to put things under a “read more” on mobile so this is your only warning :)

Our main character is a research pharmacist, who works hard to discover new drugs to benefit patients. However he realizes too late that he misses working with real patients - the main reason why he became a pharmacist. Unfortunately, our dude dies from overworking because setting healthy limits for ourselves is so last century.

Surprise surprise however - he doesn’t go to the afterlife or whatnot - instead he wakes up in the body of Pharma de Medicis, a ten year old boy who is the son of the head pharmacist in a medieval fantasy world (listen I know how it sounds stick with me)

Part of this world’s mechanics are that nobles are distinct from commoners by the fact that they are able to wield a specific element (hello atla). Before our dude moved in, Pharma had previously only been able to create water (these nobles can wield one of the four elements, and only in a create or destruct way - never both and never more than one). Somehow, Pharma 2.0 now has the ability to create and destroy any element he can think of (hello 21 century knowledge) and uses his knowledge of chemical structures to create medications to help those around him. Through reasons, he is able to open the first pharmacy for nobles and commoners alike, and quickly grows in popularity.

Okay so now for my thoughts on the whole thing. I’m gonna be honest, the main reason I clicked on it was because the title said pharmacy and I am actually currently in pharmacy school. I may have gotten a wee bit excited that there was an anime out there focused on my career path (because let’s be honest have you ever seen anything about pharmacy? they say pharmacy is a small world and they are absolutely correct). As I was watching, Pharma actually consistently used accurate treatments for all the conditions he finds which was so exciting for me. I remember there was one episode where a person had tuberculosis - I only learned about the treatments for that sometime last year and the anime got it all right, down to even the chemical structure. So yeah on that hand it’s super cool for me.

One potential drawback - my man Pharma is ridiculously OP, and consistently continues to get more so. I actually looked up the manga after finishing the anime and the manga does a better job of actually showing him get tired and hitting his limits (which was a great callback to you know HOW HE DIED IN THE FIRST PLACE) but still. There’s an amusing bit with some characters who believe him to be an incarnation of the God of Medicine (which the further we get into the story the more likely it seems) and keeps hinting that he may not have much longer in this world for all the power he has, which would be nice to see as a limiter on how much he can do. The story does show how Terrifying he can be with access to so much power, which is also really cool

Story-wise, I found the whole thing pretty compelling. Again I may be biased re: the whole pharmacy thing, but I honestly really enjoyed the whole thing. Another drawback - really long times between updates, or maybe just for English translations. It’s been at least 2 months since the last chapter was posted, which yes not that long but also I want more

also the overall style is just absolutely amazing I love the art and backgrounds etc so here have a few more pics

Overall I think it was a really good show/manga, though if I had to pick between the two I’d go with the manga largely due to just how much More there is and for actually giving him limits and such.

lol that got a lot longer than I thought it would. thanks for letting me ramble!

[mothdapple]

Hi! Is your next installment of TNP going to be posted soon? (No pressure, just curious)

Hi! Shaken Roots: Moonrise is still in the works. I’ve completed 5 chapters and have partially written 5 more. But I am hoping to have a buffer of 10 completed chapters before I start posting because that will make me very confident in being able to keep up a consistent update schedule of 1 chapter a week (or 1 chapter every two weeks at the longest.)

So I do still have some writing to do before I hit that goal of 10 chapters. Unfortunately, I just haven’t been able to write much for the past couple of months because during that time, I’ve been the busiest I’ve ever been in my career. Like regularly working 13 hours a day busy 😩 Things should calm down a bit in March, but my free-time won’t go entirely back to normal until maybe July.

But, as of right now though, I’m still hopeful that I will be able to start posting Shaken Roots: Moonrise chapters before then, since I am chipping away at it whenever I can!

Thanks for asking and for your interest in my rewrite!

[gottagobuycheese]

WIP Game

Tagged into the accountability relay race by @theaggresivepacifist — thanks a mil! Also please know that I am making the biggest bug eyes at your previews 

Rules: In a new post, show the last line snippet(s) you wrote and tag as many people as there are words as you want geez I’d never be able to tag that many people

Well, I haven’t written anything consistent in a while, and the most recent thing is still secret unfortunately, BUT I do have a couple things to share that will hopefully at some point make it out into the world beyond my drafts:

Snippet #1 a.k.a. You Want To Watch Nobody Knows, You Want To Watch Nobody Knows Soooooo Bad

Each knock on the door made her heart spasm against her sternum, faster and faster until the nauseating tide of dread in her chest threatened to choke her.

There was an officer outside her door. She was sure of it. Things had been too good for her lately, so it was only a matter of time before the universe had to course-correct. So-yeon only ever brought misfortune upon the people she loved, after all.

She stumbled toward the door in a daze.

This was it. This was the end. This officer was going to tell her — they were going to tell her —

She opened the door.

Snippet #2 a.k.a. The Jung Sibling Cinematic Universe ft. Han Sooyoung’s Confessional Booth

“Sorry,” she says, after nothing happens for another minute, “where did I leave off?” 

“You were walking from Chungmuro and chatting about things.” There’s an odd catch in Sooyoung’s voice when she mentions the station, but Heewon doesn’t dwell on it. She’s too busy staring at the boy in the bed, who would be staring right back at her if only he would open his eyes. 

“Siblings,” she says quietly, staring at Kim Dokja’s sleeping face. “We were talking about siblings.”

Snippet #3 a.k.a. YOU WANT TO READ ORV, YOU WANT TO READ ORV SOOOOOO BAD

In the back of his mind, a conversation he’d had with her years ago plays in a loop, about rereading and finding something new. That the story you read the first time isn’t the only story there is. He looks at his mother now, at her hand holding his arm, feels the uneven tremble of her fingers as they try to decide between holding on and letting go, and notices, for the first time, that the thought at the front of his mind isn’t all the ways she had hurt him. 

It dawns on him slowly, then all at once. 

Maybe that’s what this feeling is.  He wonders if it’s been there since before he’d woken up. 

“Eomma,” he says, the rusty syllables clunky on his tongue, “why don’t you come back inside?” 

It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to look at my dashboard or even be online consistently on any platform, so I don’t know who is still actively writing right now, THEREFORE I apologise and please feel free to just consider this a friendly no-pressure hello. Of course, if you are working on something you are allowed to share, I would love to see it! @imperiousphasmid​, @fremulon​, @darkpurpledawn​, @diminished-fish, @internetkatze, @directorofthefalselastact​, @demonlikejudgeoffire

And if I didn’t tag you but you want to join in on the sharing please do! Tag me so I can see it! Wait for no one! 2023 is the year of grabbing your desires by the horns and making them happen without waiting for permission!!

[jess-oh]

what do i title this

Hello, journal!

I dont think I've actually ever reread an entry until today. A part of me was always so afraid of the shame I'd feel of who I used to be. I haven't written here in a while since I realize I kept trying to think my way out of everything which caused a severe disconnect between my heart and my mind but my therapist, Sophia Ou, encouraged me to journal again to process my thoughts but to instead focus on how I feel instead so I'm here to give it a go!

Current update on where I'm at in life. I still live in Chicago on Buena Ave in Buena Park. I started going to Planet Fitness a couple months ago and am still trying to figure out a good schedule between traditional workouts and climbing. I have a new schedule for this week and I feel pretty good about it. It consists of waking up at 6:30am Monday through Thursday where I workout before work Monday through Wednesday, climb after work Wednesday, climb before on Thursday, and after service on Sunday. I'm slowly becoming entirely too busy again. I do really enjoy serving youth group but Cara has been pushing for us, me and Khalid, to be more involved and dedicate more time to the ministry/greater church recently. I already am so busy and have been enjoying having no social plans scheduled during the week. I do my best to give her space to speak and share her ideas but sometimes it's hard to interject and communicate my thoughts and concerns. There's also some semblance of guilt that quietly goes along with it. Who am I to disagree with her stance as it relates to matters of the church when I, myself, am not all right, with God? I just really need to carve out time in my schedule to dedicate to him again. I remember around this time, last year, I was super dedicated to doing daily QTs as I was losing my mind over the potential opportunity of moving to a new city for a Google Fellowship. I have built so much of my life in Chicago and giving that all up for 6 months shook me to my very core. I don't think I was mentally prepared to take that risk then but so much has changed now. I'm not that close with Sophie and Thor anymore, I've been at a new church post Lakeview for a while now, and have generally grown as a person. I hangout with Earl and Gongjoo a lot more now, which has been great, especially getting to play with Ellia! Her first birthday was only a couple months ago! I love her so much!

If the opportunity for a new job arose today, I would still feel hesitant to take it but I feel a lot more prepared now. Thank you for knowing what I needed at that time, God.

Currently, I'm a graphic designer at Freeosk. I've technically been here for 3 years since my hire date but my full time Freeoskiversary is on June 1st. I recently started looking into UX Design and while there is still much research to do before fully making the career jump, I actually feel pretty good about pursuing this path. Even the thought of being able to research and gather data made me feel excited for some internal work on a Freeosk project recently. I need to work on my fear of public speaking and be more comfortable with presenting but I think this feels like a good idea.

God, I pray for guidance as I attempt to navigate my next steps from here. I'm not sure what you have planned for my life and I know I so often rely only on my shoulders but I definitely want to make sure I'm right by you first before actually making any life changing decisions moving forward. I don't yet know what the future holds but I am excited to found out. For once, I am excited for life and what it can bring. I am no longer so afraid of the pain but I am bright-eyed for a brighter future. Please let this future come.

I had a series of unfortunate events happen recently(e.g. scraped car door pretty bad and had to pay 2k for repairs, 2 credit cards and $100 cash stolen from wallet, my dad got laid off and still hasnt found a job in 2 months, my relationship with my sister got tense because of my disproval of her boyfriend, i realized i outgrew my friendship with sophie, and i havent been right with God lately). I've been doing my best to just keep my head held up high and push through but it has admittedly been hard and discouraging. Not yet depressing discouraging but definitely a challenge, nonetheless.

Thank you for all that you have done and will do for my life, God.

I pray this all in your name,

Amen.

[hbelcherarts246-01]

Process & Reflection (Week 1)

Process

Our first project was the letter spacing project, which entailed kerning letters by hand. It was quite a challenge for me. I have an essential tremor, meaning parts of my body (usually my hands and arms) shake uncontrollably, and it’s most noticeable and frustrating when I try to use fine motor skills.

I didn’t struggle too much with the straight lines, because rulers are pretty easy for me to use. The issues started after I’d finished all of the straight lines, because that meant it was time to draw the curved parts of the letters. Since I didn’t have any French curves at home, I went shopping to try and find some. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find them in the stores that were within walking distance of my apartment (I don’t have a car), so I had to wait until Thursday’s class to borrow some.

I wasn’t expecting them to be so difficult to use; I thought they’d be akin to a ruler, where you just hold it in place and start drawing. Instead, I had to continually move, rotate, and make minute adjustments to position them just right along the letters’ curves. My hands kept shaking as I was doing it, which meant I spent what felt like an eternity aligning the curves, knocking it out of position, and then trying to realign it. Even after I managed to line them up, I’d knock it out of place again as I tried to hold it down and draw along it.

When 4:30pm rolled around, I was out of time and still not at all finished. I submitted what I’d call a “hot mess”, which you can view in the image below. I’m not proud of the work I did in this project, if I’m being honest.

Reflection

This episode of the 99U podcast probably struck a chord with many teenagers and young adults (whether they work in creative fields or not); I know it did for me. I picked this episode “Tony Schwartz: The Myths of the Overworked Creative” because the speaker addresses an issue that I am presently dealing with and will likely continue dealing with until I retire (at whichever age that may be, 65 or 90). That issue is exhaustion and burnout from being consistently overworked for a long period of time.

Like Schwartz says, I once thought my energy could be “infinite”, and for a while, it seemed it was. Up until sophomore year of high school, I was a straight-A student. I was more than capable of balancing school with my job while still leaving time for some basic self-care and creative projects. I had a good social life and I maintained a healthy sleep schedule. I was tired most of the time, but I was always told it was normal; feeling tired is just part of adult life. I thought it was normal and that I was fine right up until I realized it wasn’t normal, and I wasn’t fine. Making it through high school and keeping my job became the only things that mattered to me in life, and after a while, I couldn’t even handle those things. I lost sleep, friends, hobbies, and my belief that “life will get better”.

I know now it’s because I spread myself too thin, continuously pushed myself beyond my limits, and demanded perfection and productivity from myself, always. Now, 4 years later, I’m still dealing with the mental and physical health issues that were created and/or exacerbated by that initial burnout. I’ve become moderately agoraphobic, I’m an insomniac, I struggle with basic tasks, and my “creative brain” is empty.

Schwartz says humans need to “pause”, or renew, their energy after a period of “pulsing”, or expending, energy. I just haven’t had time to “pause”, I have to keep “pulsing” if I want to graduate on time, get a job, or simply survive. Unfortunately, given that I live in the economic and political fiasco that is America, I doubt I’ll ever have a moments rest again. The current economic trends show that my generation as a whole isn’t going to be able to retire or receive social security.

All that is to say, I wholeheartedly agree with Schwartz’s points about the current work model being physically and emotionally draining and harmful. Life shouldn’t be this stressful, and like Schwartz says, it’s not natural or healthy for humans to live and work like we currently do. The myths he debunks in the episode have been drilled into our heads so often that they’ve become widely accepted as “just how life works”. The perpetuation of these myths is driven by corporate greed, they serves only those in power, and they’re killing us, physically and psychologically.

Schwartz says we need to align our working style and work-life-sleep balance with our natural rhythms, and I agree. However, I seriously doubt it’ll ever happen, at least, not in my lifetime. It would require those in power to give up their massive wealth and influence, and they’ve proven themselves, again and again, to be too greedy, selfish, and out-of-touch to care about (or at the very least, not exploit and kill) their fellow human beings.

[astrojaxsaga]

A lot has been happening in the past few months! All good things. Unfortunately not weight loss-related, but that's secondary to life TBF.

I recently (like ~1.5 weeks ago) got back from a workshop/conference in Tenerife, which is an island in the Canary Islands in Spain (essentially the closest I have ever been to Africa). This is my final trip this year, and I am so excited to just stay home and relax and focus on myself for the holidays. I do not need any more added pressure.

The workshop was amazing, the food: divine & cheap, and the experience unforgetable. One aspect of the trip was a day tour of the island where we stopped for lunch in Garanchinco (the most beautiful city in Spain™) and toured the Mt Tiede Observatory and did some observations. The rest of the week, the weather was of course not cold for Nov. Probably a low of ~20°C, and one day it was up to 30. It was smart of me to bring both shorts & jeans just in case. I traveled light, I packed efficiently, and I did nothing outside the conference because frankly, I just wanted to be there for the workshop and get back home.

I have done some amazing travel this year, after such a long hiatus during covid. Essentially 3 full years of virtual conferences and no ability to travel, which is like the main perk of being a grad student. Underpaid? Yes, but also compensated with cool experiences. I'm really lucky to have had these trips this year. Probably before the new year, I will have to write a little blurb about the 4 different countries I visited (:

Regardless, my routines have been taking a hit, and it felt like I couldn't start up a schedule to work out without it getting impeded by my travel plans. This year has been busy (and rewarding!). But I am finally taking care of myself.

Mainly, I have been investing in figuring out my ADHD (recently diagnosed, as an adult) and trying to avoid binge eating. I haven't been working out consistently until I could invest time into managing all other aspects of my life, now that I don't need to travel. Right now, I have been starting up some trial medications and tracking my progress at work/home. So far, it is night and day. I am feeling so much better, so much less stressed and I'm able to stay in the present so much better. I feel like, happier? More grateful for things? Less anxious? (Obvs more productive?) My thoughts aren't swarming me all the time with all the things I have to get done and on what timeframe and what else could I be forgetting and who do I need to consider and how am I going to get it all done and....it gets intense. I am feeling so much less overwhelmed. I feel like I keep saying to myself, "Is this what it's like to be normal all the time??"

There is a part of me that is sad that I went so long without knowing I had ADHD, because everything was so much harder for me and I thought it was my fault. But I know I'm not lazy. I know I'm not stupid. I just struggled for so long. Watching people pass by me (academically) when I know I work harder than them. I know now that I CAN do a PhD, my work is worthwhile, and I am constantly becoming a better version of myself. Most of this was me and me alone, but with a little recognition of my struggles and some additional support for the deficiency, I think I will finally be able to get there.

[wandringaesthetic]

There was a link to an article I saw on here recently that I can’t seem to find now basically arguing that there’s a rising tendency toward self-infantilization and a cultural effort to lengthen childhood and/or adolescence and that this can open people up to some fash-y rhetoric and/or be an excuse to never work on yourself or take responsibility for anything, and broadly, I agree.

But it used as an example ADHD people saying they don’t have object permanence even though that is a cognitive skill acquired in infancy, and listen. I understand that when I lose four pens in a day even though that’s twice the number of pens I came to work with that those pens did not STOP EXISTING when I stopped looking at them. we’re using that as a shorthand for “my brain does not consistently run background processes which includes things like noting the location of objects, therefore I lose things constantly.” I have some coping mechanisms that prevent me from doing this so often but only for a few things that I Vitally Need and even those fail sometimes. Please be patient with me.

When it’s, say, a bell pepper in the fridge, Object Permanence is an even better shorthand, because. Okay, I go to the store with a list, I’m planning on cooking a recipe that calls for a bell pepper. For some reason I don’t make the recipe when I planned to. I forget I was going to make that recipe at all. I forget that there’s a bell pepper in the fridge. Brain doesn’t do background processes consistently, sometimes screws up even the vitally important ones, none of which are “remembering there is a bell pepper in the fridge that will go bad if you don’t use it.” Brain also doesn’t keep up with another background process well which is “awareness of the passage of time.” It’s a few weeks later, you want to make another recipe that calls for a bell pepper. This is the first time you’ve been aware of there being a bell pepper in your fridge since the day you went to the store, because nothing reminded you of it until now. You think “oh yeah I already have a bell pepper” only you don’t, anymore, you have a semiliquid and very gross dark green thing.

Yes, I understand that things do not drop out of existence when they are out of my field of vision, but my AWARENESS of them certainly does until I am reminded. Fortunately (but also unfortunately) one is reminded of things constantly. Everything is connected to everything. We are very good systemic thinkers. Vast, interconnected web. There are shriveled up carrots in my fridge right this very moment as I’m typing this, every time I am reminded of this it is COOKING TIME not THROWING OUT GROSS THINGS time. And one of those background processes is keeping an awareness of things you need to do at moments that are not NOW. Our prospective memory is really, really (really) bad.

Awareness of PEOPLE, unfortunately, is also included with the funky relationship with object permanence, and that article complained about this too. And, ugh, that is a whole other post and a very emotional one.

Can we just? carve out a space between “please understand that my brain is very bad at this and I might need some help and I am not intentionally insulting you” and “do not ever place anything upon my shoulders I am but a helpless child” and not misunderstand the one for the other?

Because there was an almost regularly scheduled twitter discourse over something or other, like, “ADHD people can’t form habits.” It might be more difficult and the habit might need to be constantly adjusted or reinforced, and you might have to do some wackadoodle shit to accomplish it. (I have two bottles of identical facial soap in the shower and on the counter three feet away from it so I don’t forget to wash my face or have some sort of executive function or object permanence failure on the way to retrieving it when I need it) but it is VITALLY important that we form them or we will never be able to accomplish a single longterm goal. Another ADHD discourse was that ADHD writers can’t be expected to read. That one made me feel personally insulted and also think “ok, it’s time to log off, perhaps forever” and I did eventually delete my twitter so perhaps it did me a favor.

Just, the gap between “Please help me out and cut me a little slack here” and “I have difficulty with this therefore I am unable to improve myself and/or my situation.” Can we put some floor down between there.

Because the AWARENESS of the ways in which your brain is stupid is what helps you mitigate for them, okay? OKAY??! Okay. Because there’s been a lot of asinine and/or insulting discourse and people generalizing their experience but there’s also been a lot of stuff that has really helped me. And perceiving the object permanence thing has helped me.

[bennedsenjosefsen]

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