#***acquaintances; to a point where I dont want to be seen in public Ever Again

[tunglrsillyman]

in regards to last rb, Posts that made me realize i should consider into getting help

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Animal Planet Vexon”

The ending to this particular series, I hope you guys like how it turns out. 

“No, give that back, drop it…. Drop it!.” The human bared their teeth playfully at the camera man and tugged harder on the camera equipment.

“No, drop it! Bad human, Doctor! Doctor!” But by then it was too late, With one last tug, the human yanked the camera form the crewman’s hand and scampered off with it chattering in it’s strange language. The other humans gathered around grabbing for the camera, fighting for it like the pack of wild animals they were.

The doctor looked over at the crew with the shake of his head, “Dont expect to see that again any time soon ... sorry .”

Across the room, the humans were playing with it , flipping it over and pressing the buttons  with gleeful chattering to each other. A single human sat in the middle while the others stood around pointing and prodding at the camera.

“Come on, that was expensive. Now I’m going to owe the studio.”

The crew zooms in on the humans playing with the piece of equipment flipping it over and prodding at it with their slim, delicate fingers. They almost expected the humans to start chewing on it, though they seemed pleased enough to pass it back and forth to each other playing with the buttons and turning the screen around to stare at the lens.

The Alpha followed  after them and began chirping at them and pointing just like the rest.

“Look at them, so curious.” One of the crewmembers noticed.

Krill nodded, “Oh humans just love playing with things, they are very very curious, and very smart too. They are great at social learning. Humans have been observed to attempt similar behaviors after seeing them. They are excellent mimics. In fact, in certain cases, you can teach a human how to speak/”

“Oh, well that would be a fun party trick, wouldn't it.”

Here, watch this.” 

“Adam, Adam come.” The Alpha lifted his head and looked over at them before happily trotting over, leaving the other humans to look over the camera, “Adam, Sit.”

The human did as requested, happily taking his seat, “Like I said, humans are smart and can understand most basic commands. However that also depends on the temperament of your human, some humans do not like to be told what to do,  so are liable to do the exact opposite of what you want.”

He patted the human’s head, this humans is very well behaved though, so I don’t tend to worry about tat with him.

The cameras turned away from where the humans were playing and back towards the doctor.

“So, is there anything else you can tell us about humans.”

Krill smiled, “Oh yes, Having lived with the humans for a while, I tend to find them very mischievous. Humans just love to play games and pranks with each other. They will often behave in ways that are contrary to their instincts in order to confuse people they think are idiots.”

“Oh, that is very interesting, and what does that look like.”

“Well, generally the humans take a target, specifically a target for social ridicule, then they start to behave strangely, and since humans are very good socially, they are also excellent at faking along with other humans. One human can start something and an entire group of humans can pick up on the message and begin doing the same thing. In fact, humans have a habit of acting dumber than they really are to confuse victims of ridicule who aren't smart enough to tell the difference. Humans especially love irony, and often that includes behaving in a way contrary to how they feel in order to throw someone off balance. It is a very interesting tactic to watch in person.” He motioned them to come after with a hand and the group of them stood up to follow him down the hall as he continued to speak, “Here, lets get you a little more acquainted with the ship.”

“So doctor, Mendex began, “This ship, how did the humans build it, I mean the ARE smart, but from what I have seen, they aren't smart enough to be capable of running a vessel like this. It seems far too complicated no matter how rudimentary for a group of uncommunicative bipeds. “

The doctor turned to look at them, and the group went very silent for a moment, they almost worried if they had offended the doctor in some way, but then the doctor responded flatly, and quiet without emotion in either direction, “Oh yeah, humans are complete idiots, in fact they used to be a whole lot smarter, but once they reached the state of developing robotic technology there was no longer any evolutionary need for them to be smart, so they devolved backwards  towards their more animistic state. Occasionally there is a human who is capable to almost the same degree as you or I but they generally tend to be ostracized by the more brutish humans and so do not tend to survive long. The computers and robots the start ancestor of the humans made have evolved mostly on their own, and have kept the humans alive ever since.”

The crew looked at each other in awe, “Oh… and I thought the GA were having peace talks with the humans at some point.

The Vrul shrugged, “Well, yes, and no technically they were having peace talks with the evolved AI that the more ancient humans created, but it was on behalf of the current humans that we have now. They are taken care of very well by the devices that their ancestors left behind otherwise the are totally and completely helpless.”

Behind them the alpha was following with a small back of humans. In its hands it carried the camera and was gibbering away in its strange language.

“Oh look, i think it's mimicking us,” One of the cameramen sai.

“Isnt that adorable.” The doctor said smiling. The human continued to follow after them playing with the camera and talking like he was one of them, though none of them could understand.

They went around the ship for a little longer accompanied by their human until eventually Dr. Krill came to a stop by the entrance

“Now, we better get you all back to your ship, and perhaps we can do this another time. Now to properly say goodbye to a human, you have to hop around in a circle with your arms out. There you go excellent.”

Behind them the human chirped something turning the camera towards Krill who raise a hand in a wave.

“Come back soon.” He said 

And they were just about to leave, when a shadow loomed over them. They looked up in surprise to see the human offering their camera back. Nervously they took it, and the human bared his teeth at them.

“Goodbye human.” They said leaving down the ramp and heading back towards the studio where the network would determine what footage to use.”

***

Mendex’s produce sat in a chair with the rest of the team, watching the video footage with them from the beginning. He was a Tesraki with a rusty red fur and a very stern eye for business, even more so than our average Tesraki, which was saying something.

“Lets see the footage from camera 2.”

“That one was stolen by the human halfway through.”

“I still want to see it.”

“Okay, here we go.” the video played in the background as Mendex turned to his producer, “So what do you think. I think it will be exciting and compelling for the rest of the galaxy especially with all the rumors that have been going on about humans.”

His producer was nodding slightly frowning at the camera screen, “As long as we take out all the footage of you cowering behind the crew, which may drop us at least two hours of footage.”

Mendex frowned, and the rest of the editing crew chuckled.

He clenched his fists, “you try spending almost half a day with those smelly beasts and tell me that you aren’t scared, you heard the Vrul, the humans are barely better than animals.

The  producer was barely paying attention to him now, staring past him towards the viewing screen, “is that so> he said absently.”

“Yes.” mendex began, and furthermore I think-”

“Ha, hold on, i got it.”

Mendex raised his head in confusion turning back towards the screen where the camera was being jostled back and forth across the floor.

“Did you.”

“Yeah hold on.” The camera righted itself and turned back looking up towards a light colored human with yellowish fur. The alpha with only one green eye.’

“Yeah,” That strange revving noise the humans had been making burst over the speakers, “This is a Vexon camera. These assholes are using human technology to make us look stupid. You see the toggle here, this is the translation setting, can be turned on and off for different species. Looks like they went and turned it mostly off so it would only translate certain species.”

The green eyed human raised a furry line above one of his eyes, “I wonder what the public will think when they learned that this entire documentary was filmed on a human camera.”

Mendex stared at the feed in shock and disbelief.

“But…. but what….” he stammered standing as if to turn off the feed.

But his producer shoved him back into a chair looking almost gleeful as he did, “No smarter than animals huh.” He glanced back towards the camera equipment.

“here , hand me that.”

The camera jostled again, before swinging around to point at the group of cameramen sitting around a circle huddled away from the humans.

All around they could hear the distant conversation of humans.

“Dumbasses.”

“I dont know how Krill is managing to keep a straight face.”

“He has an iron will to be sure, ha, you could tell them we lick ourselves and they would believe it.”

“I dont know man, you look like enough of a neanderthal to sell it all by yourself.”

Mendex continued to stammer and explain himself as the camera watched the human jokingly approach the doctor and sit on command, which looked pretty dumb now consider the humans understood everything which was being said.

The alpha returned to the camera and picked it up, waving to the doctor as he turned the camera around, “Good morning citizens of the universe I am Commander Adam Vir of the UNSC Harbinger, first contact ambassador for humanity and military commander to the GA. I have some news for you…. Up to this point, I think you have figured out that you have been lied to and deceived .” he turned the camera back around zooming in on Mendex himself, “You see recently there has been a sudden upsurgance of rumors based around humans, and most of the are blatant falsehoods that are ruining our intergalactic reputation. Things about how we eat people, and how we are vicious wild animals , that sort of thing. And then there was Mendex, when he asked us to come aboard our ship and film this video, we knew what was going to happen. Now if you don’t already know Mendex is a con artist and a liar. He has been going around the galaxy spreading falsehoods about other species, and animals in order to create a quick buck film companies, and industry, mind you that humanity popularized. Take this camera for instance, it’s a Vexon, or a popular brand name for human filming equipment.”

He followed the filming crew into the hall.

“Oh, look, I think it’s mimicking us.”

The human let off that strange noise again.

“Anyway, when we heard of Mendex’s offer, we knew we had to do something. Hes created a lot of problems for the galaxy,. He has even caused the near extinction of two major predator species on other planets by giving them a bad rap. So, we enlisted our Dr. Dr. Krill….” The little Vrul turned around and gave the camera a strange gesture, “Now if you have read any of the doctor’s original work, you would have read his observations on humans to be much different form the intentional falsehoods he is selling here. If Mendex had done his research, which it seems he both has and has not at the same time, we would expect to see this behavior. He is smart enough to know that humans have a complex language, and so chose to turn it off, however he did not delve far enough into the research to see the blatant lies that Krill was making up.”

They continued onward, “We played along for effect, just to give enough evidence of the falsehood. The crew got their hands on a camera, and now I am relaying this story to you, in hopes that you will air it and let the rest of the galaxy know what a fraud Mendex is. I will also have you know that we have taken most of the footage, and will probably release it ourselves if you choose not to. However, we are hoping that the film companies wont be able to pass up an opportunity like this, it will make you very rich after all and will likely be very lucrative. People, even aliens, love to see a little bit of drama.

They were reaching the end of the video now, and Mendex just sat in his seat staring in wide eyed horror at the screen.

“Come on doctor, show them when I mean.” 

“Now to properly say goodbye to a human, you have to hop around in a circle with your arms out. There you go excellent.”

He stared blankly at the screen while the human laughed at the crew hopped around their arms flapping wildly up and down.

He could see it now, the smug look on the doctor’s face.

“I hope that this will help relieve some of the myths about humans. We don’t want to hurt anyone, we don’t each other, we don’t fight for dominance. Earlier, I just asked Ramirez for his shoes, I didn’t actually fight him, and we were never going to eat the crew. Check out some of doctor krill’s scientific work on our diets, and you will realize that humans cannot digest fur,and that even if we could most aliens would not be edible to us anyway, furthermore, we do not eat sentient lifeforms. .

He turned towards Dr Krill, “Say hello doctor, I expect your research will be receiving some new readers soon.” 

Dr Krill waved, and then, the camera shut off.

“You can’t air that.” Mendex demanded in panic

His producer grinned and then laughed, “You heard the human, he has the footage with him already, it would be rude of me to make him air it, now wouldn't it?” 

[avvidstarion]

5, 10, 15, 18, 22, 50, 51, 94, and 96 for fisher!!!!

mina i LOVE you

5. What’s their reputation like? Does this reputation contrast what they’re really like?

Fisher probably has the reputation of being, like, a dumb but lovable goofy fuckup? Like being completely incompetent and lazy but still funny and charming enough that you keep them around. Like sans undertale or todd from bojack. a lotta people probably think they won’t amount to much. it’s not super accurate- they’re accident prone and a slacker but they’re not stupid and they work really hard if they need to (again, it took effort to cheat like that. sure they coulda avoided that effort if they had studied but that’s boring). i think part of the reason fisher wants to do well at aeon despite not doing well in hs is cause they’re sick of people thinking of them in that way and not taking them seriously

10. What’s a simple thing that brings them joy?

they really like fast food and snacks. they are easily bought and will love you forever if you make them food. nick and sally and fisher bake together a lot, even though i feel like the latter two are really incompetent when it comes to cooking

15. How good are they at conversation? Are they a small talk master, bad at initiating, etc?

fisher’s easygoing and good at small talk and socializing in theory but i think they’re really out of practice. they’re good at making causal acquaintances but they’re really bad at maintaining friendships cause the only friend they have that isn’t their brother (or their brother’s friend) is sally, and they’ve known each other for so long that neither really remembers how to make new friends. plus no one their age really wanted to be friends with either of them growing up, so they never had the opportunity. I think that they’d hit it off with someone who’s really extraverted and fast moving w friendship, which is why they get along so well with glitch! she basically just pointed at them and claimed them as her newest best friend (and perhaps they will be more but i have yet to decide between glitch, k, and sally whoopsie). 

18. If you had to represent them with a flower, colour, and animal, what would you choose?

flower- the balloon flower! resilient, easy to care for, but still a little gloomy looking (depending on the color)

color- dark blue! blue is their favorite color! dark blue is a little gloomy but is also a very sturdy and solid looking color (if that makes sense)

animal- oh absolutely a big fat cat, they definitely make the :3c face once a day, they’re full of mischief, and they love to take naps

22. What’s their silliest or most unusual fear/phobia?

they strike me as someone who cried when they went to disney as a kid cause they’re scared of the mascots. it’s something about mickey’s big, dead, unseeing eyes

50. Why would they be a good partner for a road trip?

will listen to any music, funny, good at telling stories, easygoing so you wouldn’t get into a fight

51. Why would they be a BAD partner for a road trip?

oh they absolutely do not have their driver’s license. 1) they never got around to it and nick and sally drive them everywhere anyway 2) they have adhd so they just dont trust themself to concentrate well enough to not kill someone 3) they’re extremely directionally challenged (can’t tell left from right gang rise UP) and 4) I think they’re really afraid of having another mind control episode behind the wheel or being otherwise hindered by their mind blindness

94. What does their room look like?

oh god it’s disgusting. used dishes, clothes on the floor, stuff everywhere, etc. they know where everything they need is, but it is GROSS. nick just doesn’t go in there anymore cause it gives him a headache. I imagine it’s nicely decorated though, with posters of stuff they like and  pictures of fisher and sally and nick and gray (and eventually glitch and kent)  on the walls. I think they have a lot of stuffed animals too, and oh god. oh god they absolutely collect funko pops. it started out as ironic but sally always gets them some for holidays (only having like one or two friends means she absolutely goes all out, I imagine) and now it’s just a problem. they won’t admit that they like them but they do. 

96. What’s their sense of humour like? (Dad jokes, morbid humour, basic knock-knock jokes, stand up comedy, etc)

it’s basically all self-deprecation. fisher’s highest stat is humor but morbid isn’t too far behind, so I think that manifest in them using their humor to berate themself and as a means of venting without actually asking for help. it helps that most people think they’re a loser, cause they constantly make themself the butt of the joke. mostly it’s harmless stuff (”lol i’m such an idiot, here’s a funny story about my latest screw-up”) but sometimes they take it too far. they probably got sent to the guidance counselor back in school cause new teachers would get worried, but I think the curse of always being seen as the goofy fuckup with habitual self depreciation is that people who get to know them tend to get used to their self hatred and just write it off as fisher being fisher (sally and nick and grayson aren’t exempt from this. they’re all lovely and they all love fisher but they’re not perfect and I think if anyone’s gonna step in and actually make them get help it’s gonna be someone with new eyes, like glitch or kent). 

ok wow downer ending sorry!! they also really like puns and bad dad jokes and physical comedy. anytime fisher or nick hears or comes up with a fucking terrible dad joke they immediately run to the other and tell it. I think if sally and fisher are ever bored in public the two of them just start acting weird and see how long it takes to get stared at. they compete to see who can one up the other before they have to stop out of embarrassment or before they’re asked to stop (they are SO annoying and insufferable). Fisher’s also a really good story teller and can make the most mundane event funny or entertaining in some way (they’d be great at standup) 

[softforcal]

Okay okay. How about the classic Slytherin x Hufflepuff relationship between Slytherin!cal and Hufflepuff!reader??

SLYTHERIN!CAL X HUFFLEPUFF READER

-this got requested like 10 times so here we go lol

-Slytherin Cal is the Slytherin Prince

-he’s gorgeous. captain of his Quidditch team. the Hood family is a Slytherin legacy. he’s smart. he has girls at his feet 24/7. he’s living the life.

-everything comes easy to him

-and then he meets you

-you’re the sweetest little Hufflepuff he’s ever met

-too sweet

-so sweet that the first time you meet him, after a Slytherin Quidditch win, you have no idea he’s flirting with you

-Cal is shook because he thinks you’re friend-zoning him

-like, he tells a joke and you laugh and reach up and squeeze his cheek, “you’re so funny.”

-this boy flushes like it’s nobodies business

-and you don’t even notice cuz you’re just a happy lil Puff

-you walk away and Calum’s buddies come up to him and are like “did that girl seriously just squeeze your cheek?” “better question, did you LET that Puff squeeze your cheek?”

-Calum is still shook

-cuz he’s the gorgeous Slytherin who makes girl melt

-squeezing peoples cheeks is HIS move

-he thinks about you all night

-the next day he sees you in the hallway and comes to walk next to you, “hey Puff.”

-”hey there!” you smile

-you talk for a bit while walking to the great hall and when you get there you’re just like “you know, people always say you’re scary but you’re really not. i think we’re going to be great friends.”

-did you just friend zone him.

-Cal stands there in shock because that seemed like a hard friend zone

-and he has never been friend zoned before

-ever

-it totally hurts his pride a bit

-he goes to his table and everyones like “so you and Y/N?” and he’s just like “i think she friend zoned me.” and they’re all shook

-the entire group staring at you and you wave from your table because you’re just a happy puff who think you and Cal gon be friends

-like. he’s gorgeous and you’d be down, but you’re an unassuming puff

-and Calum is determined to not be in the friend zone, so the next class he has with you, he sits next to you

-”hey!” you grin

-conversation is easy with him

-like, he’s so confused that it’s so easy

-and you’re so cute

-he is so soft for you already

-and he actually kind of enjoys getting to know you like a friend

-cuz usually with girls he’s going for sex so….

-like other than his three best friends he doesn’t have many actual friends, just acquaintances

-and just like that, he actually starts hanging out with you as buds

-and yeah, part of him is still hurt cuz he’s friend zoned, but like… meh, it is what it is

-Calum would respect it

-so you actually become buds

-and people are sorta shocked because Cal has that scary reputation but there he is with his lil Puff

-like people are shook that you two are friends

-and his other Slytherin buds completely accept you too

-and none of them ever bring it up but its definitely an underlining joke that Cal is friend-zoned

-but then slowly each one of them makes a pass at you and gets friend-zoned too so…

-like Luke coming into the common room and he’s just like “and she fucking friend-zoned me too.” and everyone laughs because same

-we’re talking so friend zoned you literally help them each get girls

-so you’ve been buds for a month or two and you’re at a Slytherin afterparty after a Quidditch game and Luke is drunk as fuck and comes over and sees that you’re looking at Calum talking to a girl and is just like “its hilarious that you friend-zoned him. thats never happened before.”

-and you’re like “what?”

-”you friend-zoned him.” Luke states and you’re just like “no i didn’t. he friend-zoned me.” and Luke’s like “no he fucking did not.”

-you both turn to look at Calum and Luke just grabs you and is like “be happy little butterfly! tell him he’s not friend zoned!” and then pushes you in Calum’s direction

-drunk Luke thinks he’s a matchmaker

-”wait Luke! does he even like me?!” you ask

-”pfff oBVIOUSLY!” Luke pushes you harder

-so you walk over to Calum who’s just like “there’s my best bud” cuz you’re THAT friendly with each other

-and you’re just like “see this is why i thought you friend-zoned me!”

-and he looks down at you and is like “no you friend-zoned me.”

-”did not!”

-”did too!”

-”did not!

-and then he just grabs your face and kisses you and you just melt into it

-because you both have been holding back this entire time to be respectful but now you dont have to

-its really passionate. all this pent up tension

-you two are so lost in each other, it’s not until his hand goes down to your ass that you realize holy fuck you’re in public

-and you pull away, pushing on his chest and laughing as he grins, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to his chest

-”fuck, thank god i’m not friend-zoned anymore.” he teases

-”you never were!” you insist

-”sure.” he says sarcastically, rolling his eyes and making you laugh as you cuddle closer

-all his buds watch and Luke’s just like “and that is how you play cupid.” because this Slytherin fuck was not drunk at all and it was a meticulously planned assault

-no one’s seen Calum so soft before

-and he’s never had to wait to kiss someone for so long so boi straight up saw fireworks

-and you being in his arms is chill, but he misses your lips after like a minute

-but also, who would have fucking known that having a cute puff in his arms would make him smile so much?

-like he always wanted to be more than friends but even just as friends he was so happy so now he’s just like… woah this is next level

-so he’s out of the friend zone which is chill but now he’s gotta figure out how to get to the boyfriend zone

-you spend the whole night together, his arms around you as you goof off with his friends and stuff like normal, but you’re both GLOWING

-it just feels like you’re a couple already

-and he knows it would be SO EASY with you

-because, fuck, he adores you so much

-and he’s never had that

-you finally need to head out and he offers to walk you back to your common room

-talking on the way back about why you both thought you were in the friend zone

-”you started it when you pinched my cheek the first time we met and then called me a friend the next morning.” he points out

-okay… so like… true “but i’m a Hufflepuff! thats a thing we do!”

-”i have never seen a Hufflepuff do that so now i know you’re lying.”

-laughing a lot

-getting back to your common room and you turn to hug Calum like you always do when he cups your face and kisses you again

-he gets you wedged between his body and the wall

-and boy is kissing you like his life depends on that shit

-you’re the air he needs to BREATH

-his mouth goes down to your neck and you have to stop yourself from moaning and you’re just like holy fuck, Slytherins are into public stuff but woah

-its kind of a mind fuck because ya’ll were just friends but oof, this Slytherin boy is sexy as shit

-and he is an amazing kisser

-you finally pull away and he’s just like “lets go on a date.”

-you agree and move to go into your common room but he steals one last kiss before flashing a cheeky grin and a wink while you leave

-you both freak out as soon as your out of each others sights

-like this guy is used to getting attention and being at the top of the world but you’re a little slice of heaven, and he intends to get full entry to your gates if you know what i mean with this oddly specific and weird metaphor

-anyways

-you guys are still buds so you hang out like normal and the date is pretty chill too, like you two have gone to get butterbeer SO MANY TIMES but this time is different because he holds your hand on the walk down and insists on paying for you

-and you two are already so comfortable so it feels like any other day, except he’s touching you more and you are LOVING it

-this boi doesn’t even LOOK at other girls anymore

-walking back up to the castle and he’s just like “wanna just be my girlfriend? i know we’ve only had one date but-”

-“yes.” you answer before he can finish his sentence

-he kisses you, lifting you off the ground and spinning you a little before setting you down, a huge smile on his face

-who would have fucking known that all it takes to get a Slytherin like Cal to become soft is a squishy lil puff?

-it just makes sense for both of you

-its just a wholesome friendship that includes kissing

-so much teasing still

-not much even changes except the kissing tbh

-and then for his first game since you became official he gives you his scarf which is like… swoon am i right?

-you’ve always felt pride watching him play because he’s amazing but this is next level

-coming onto the field when he wins and he just lifts you up bridal style and spins you around and makes you laugh and is just the softest munchkin

-everyone is so shook at how soft he is

-but he gets serious fast

-like if anyone makes any sort of anti-hufflepuff remark, Calum will cut a bitch

-he’s the new leader of the protect hufflepuff squad

-he has a resting bitch face but as soon as you show up he melts

-so people always know when you enter a room because his entire body just relaxes and he smiles at you

-”there’s my girl.”

-umf. like, protective possessive Slytherin but also super soft

-and he will fight anyone who fucks with you

-like as soon as he sees you upset he’s like “who do i have to fuck up?”

-this bitch will straight up employ Michael to help prank a teacher if they give you a bad mark

-and Michael is always down to prank teachers

-yeah, boy always offers to fuck people up and you usually think he’s joking and laugh it off and he usually doesn’t actually fuck people up, but he WILL if you ever were really hurt

-sleep overs in his bedroom where you stay up late cuddling and talking about life

-tracing his muggle tattoos and asking him if they hurt. he tries to show you wha the pain is like but can’t bring himself to actually hurt you and ends up laughing and pulling away

-can you imagine you’re first time where he’s pulled away because he doesn’t want to hurt you while showing you what a tat would feel like and you’re just like “it’s okay. if you hurt me.”

-this boy just freezes

-and stares at you for a long while

-then he’s kissing you roughly and pressing you into the bed with his body

-and he’s going hard and rough but you’re loving it because he’s your Slytherin dom babe

-tearing your clothes off and going to town

-he would definitely make you cum with just his mouth first because babies gotta show off dat Slytherin tongue if you know what i mean ;)

-he honestly thought the first time you fucked would be more Hufflepuff-y and sweet and slow and passionate but you telling him he could hurt you got him feeling some sorta way fam and he can’t even stop himself

-and your sounds are driving him wild

-he’s super into the whole innocent Hufflepuff being kinky for him

-dirty talk about it

-”you like that puff? you like being defiled by a Slytherin?”

-of course he’s gotta bring houses into it because its a classic Slytherin move

-its amazing

-even asking him to leave the rings on while choking or spanking and he has to actually stop for a moment to collect himself because FUCK

-afterwards you both cuddle and it’s super soft and Hufflepuffy and he’s just like holy fuck was not expecting that

-this would just be a very wholesome relationship fam

-a strong, protective asshole who’s soft just for his sweet lil Puff

-im here for it is all i’m saying.

[reeree1500]

His Aphrodisiac...Part 2 Vampire Ivar! x Reader

Disclaimer: Smut 😏(an attempt), spelling and grammar mistakes😬 and my cliched imagination🤣Thank you for all the love and support💕☺️

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @oceans-daughter-3  @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @wuxiesalt @supernaturalvikingwhore @readsalot73 @affection-rabbit @blonddnamedhandz @paintballkid711 @ivarthethiccness @limbo-limbo-limbo @funmadnessandbadassvikings 

Weeks had gone by after our steamy session in Ivar’s office. I still couldn’t process the fact that he was a vampire. That ancient tale of a monster who sought nothing but blood was true. However, he had proved otherwise. Ivar didn't seem like the type of person to go around sucking people’s blood just because he felt like it. No, he was the type that when I had a problem he would make it disappear. Like Johnathan, my ex-fiancee who wouldn't stop harassing me. As soon as Ivar had found out about him, he never showed up again. It was as if he had disappeared into thin air. Of course I was relieved at the time, but now I cant help but think about if Ivar had anything to do with it...

----------------------

it was the night of the annual Lothbrok Corp dinner. Only a select few people from the office were to attend as many of our sister branches would also send their representatives. Not to mind the fact that the founders of Lothbrok corp would all be there as well, with their friends and family. This year the dinner had been set to occur at Ivar’s mansion upstate. This included a secluded area where the next house wouldnt be in sight for miles. Ivar was a man of privacy and now I could understand why. The dinner was to start in an hour and I had yet to finish my makeup. I wasn't really one to amazing at it, but I knew what would compliment my (y/s/t) complexion. As I finish applying my mascara, I take one last look in the mirror before heading out to the kitchen to find my phone and call an Uber. Taking my coat in one hand and juggling my keys, phone and purse in the other. I manage to somehow lock the door, but not before I’m met with a pair of electric blue eyes. “I..Ivar. W...What are you doing here?” I manage to say through my shock. 

“You haven't returned any of my calls or messages since that night (y/n). I wouldn't admit this to anyone else, but I was genuinely worried about you.” He trails off as he says the last part whilst avoiding my gaze. “Ive just had a lot on my mind, Ivar. Im sorry.” I say looking anywhere except his eyes, knowing full well the effect they had on me. In a flash Ivar stepped away from the limousine, took my coat and placed it on his arm and grabbed my hand dragging me towards it. “Ivar what are you doing my Uber’s here.” “I gave him 100 bucks and sent it away. You're coming with me.” He whispers the last part close to my ear before shoving me inside the limo. His tone of voice wasn't all the way warm, it had hints of his icy personality in them and made it hard to breathe for me.

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The car ride was awkward and filled with lots of tension. Ivar tried multiple times to start a conversation with me, but I paid him no mind. I sat as far away as possible from him, I could swear that there were times where I thought that I would fall out the door. His hands would “accidentally” (as he said) wander all over my legs, tracing patterns and ever so often trailing even higher. It took everything in me to  ignore his advances, and he knew very well the effects his touch had on me. His mere touch created a pool of wetness down there and the bastard knew it. Before his hand could go any further, the view of a great mansion surrounded by nothing but trees caught my eye. “Woah, that's huge.” I said as I looked out the window. “And its all yours (y/n), if you’d just have me.” Ivar says as he turns my head and stares into my (e/c) eyes. Getting lost in his electric blue orbs I lose all sense of why I was upset at him. It’s as if it’s only us two and the whole world disappeared when I look at him. Before either one of us could act upon our feelings once again, we’re interrupted by the driver as he pulls up in front of the house. “Oh for fucks sake! Someone is always interrupting us!” Ivar screams out, startling me a little as his eyes began to glow. His sudden outburst made me want to run away, but also made me feel as if I should have calmed him down.  Ivar turns to me and he just stares, no sudden movements or words just a blank stare. In seconds Ivar is out of the car and opening the door for me. If I hadnt known that he was a vampire I could've sworn that it had all been a fix of my imagination and that he truly wasnt there.

-------------------

As Ivar led from the limo inside the mansion, I couldnt help but admire the artwork and intricate design of his house. It was something truly unexpected from him. Once inside the ballroom Ivar had disappeared, I guess to greet everyone and say hello to his family. Whom I know he hasn't seen for the longest time. I however, am very overwhelmed and I think it may have to do with the fact that everybody’s eyes are on me. I don't do very well in public scenarios like this one and all the attention is making me a little sick. There was security all over the place and although intimidating I knew that I had to find a washroom as quickly as possible, so I could lock myself in there all night. The bodyguard didn't even speak, he just pointed towards the stairs and went back to acting as if I wasnt there. Shrugging it off I make my way up the stairs only to find a corridor with an exceptional amount of doors. Internally cursing myself I make my way down and knock on every door, but they're all locked. I almost gave up until I saw the double doors on the right. Obviously this couldn't be bathroom, but at this point I didn't care, I just had to find a place to stay till it was time to go. 

As I opened the double doors Im greeted by an awfully dark lit room, with intricate black designs. The cravings on the bed posts and the paintings around are those of ancient nordic runes, something that led me to believe that this might have been Ivar’s room. I knew of his great admiration foe his background, he loved anything that had to do with nordic beliefs and ancient gods. Making may way inside Im transfixed by all the artwork and details around me that I fail to acknowledge the presence that lies in the corner of the room. “So, I seem you've made yourself acquainted with my room already, (y/n)” Ivar says as he walks out of the shadows with his crutches? “Oh my God, Ivar are you okay? I literally left you for less than an hour and you've already gone an injured yourself! Wait, I dont mean to sound like a bitch/ignorant or anything, but why do you have crutches? Aren't like vampires supposed to be like physically invincible?” I said all in one breath, as Ivar just cocked his head to the side and stared at me. “You honestly believe everything that the media tells you, dont you?” Point taken, all I knew about vampires were form shows, movies and books that were then turned into movies or shows. “Anyway, before I became a vampire, I was actually a viking. Hence all the nordic runes everywhere and the massive tattoo on my chest and back. My family was very rich and my father Ragnar was king. However, unlike my siblings I was born without function in my legs. Which is why I use those metal braces in the corner over there while I'm in public, and these only around people I trust.” He says moving closer to me. “Now, tell me as to what drew you to come in to my room without me, (Y/n).” Ivar says as he draws my name longer than he has to, in a very sensual tone that makes my knees tremble.

“(y/n), give in. Dont fight it, we were meant to be. You're the reason I can finally feel alive. If it weren't for you, I probably would've kept roaming this world with no sense of purpose. I know you feel this connection. So once again , will you let me take care of you?” And in that moment all senses had been thrown out the window.

Ivar closed the gap with his hot mouth against yours. You gasped as you felt the heat spiral through you, as you ran your fingers through his soft locks. Throwing the crutches to the side Ivar manages to pick you up the hips and deepens the kiss. The sensual dance between your tongue and his is soon over as you cave in to his dominance and let his explore your mouth, slowly with deliberate movements. “Ahhhh...” A moan escapes your lips as his lips move down to your neck. “Since I saw you in that dress earlier tonight, it took everything in me to not act on impulse.” Making his way to the bed, Ivar lays you gently on the back satin sheets and holds himself up as his roam over your body in admiration. Ivar then looks at you for permission as his fingers begin unlacing and unzipping your dress. As Ivar kisses along to every spot that is unveiled to him, goosebumps begin to raise along your skin. You had longed for this moment for awhile, but had denied yourself of the pleasure due to your fear. Oh how stupid could I have been you thought to yourself as you relish in the pleasure that this man brought you every time he kissed and caressed you. “You're so beautiful...” Ivar says as he touches you with reverent fingers, as he begins caressing that part of your body that is not very often explored.

His fingers begin tracing the inside of my hips as his head dips down to my flower. Ivar takes my clit into his mouth and gently bites it, bringing a pleasure that I cannot describe. My hips buck up to him on their own accord asking for more. But he holds me down and brings his face up to mine. His intense gaze had distracted me for a second as his ministrations towards my clit were over. But before I could beg him and ask him for more, it was as fi Ivar had already beat me to it. In a flash he had dipped and curled 2 of his massive fingers into my hole. Pumping them in at an alarmingly fast rate. “I..Ivar, that feels so good!” I manage to say through my moans that are increasingly louder as I throw my head back from all this pleasure. Ivar’s pace becomes steady and his lips are now focused on my right breast, kissing and caressing it as if it were his favourite thing in the world. My hands uncurl form the sheets and move towards his head caressing it and then bringing it up so that I could kiss him. This time I wanted to show him that I too cared for him. And all that fear had been washed away, this man had been everything to me the minute I started working for him and Would be damned if I let him get away. Vampire or not! 

Bringing him in for a kiss Ivar tries to take control and dominate again, but this time I would be in control. I manage to shock Ivar with the lack of submission that he’s used to seeing from me. I use this to my advantage and flip us over. Trying to not hurt him in the process. I break apart our kiss and stare deeply into his eyes as our heave breaths begin to entangle with each other and become one. I slowly remove his fingers from my hole, much to his dismay. And before he could protest I place my finger to his lips. “You've shown me how much you care for me. Time and time again Ivar. Let me show you that I care too.” At this his eyes hold admiration, surprise, and hints uncertainty. Making my way down his body, I leave trail of kisses form his chest all the way down to his legs. Taking my time kissing every part of them and staring into his eyes with love and tenderness, which he mirrors in his gaze towards me. I then make my way up to his long and already hard cock. Oozing with loads of precum.  Licking the excess I take as much as I can into my mouth as I wrap my hangs around the base his very thick and long shaft. Pumping and bobbing my head I can feel and hear Ivar’s pleasure. His hands wrap around my (h/l)(h/c) hair and his hips thrust forward. I can see that he is reaching his high and before I could make him cum, he pulls out of my mouth. “I’d like to cum inside you, if you'd let me (y/n)” He says as his hands pull my face into a heated kiss.

Climbing on top of him I go to position myself on his member. However, Ivar flips us around so that he is the one on top. I could only look at him in shock for a second before my eyes roll back as I feel him thrust into me with one swift movement. My hands wrap around his torso, and claw at his back from the overwhelming sense of pleasure. Our moans become a melody to my ears, but soon I can feel myself reaching that high. “Ivar.....Im gonna” “I know baby, me too.” And just like that with a few more of his powerful thrusts Ivar and I reach our edge. Ivar and I stare into each others eyes with admiration and love. My hands without thought brush the strands from his hair away from his sweaty face. “Dont leave me ever again (y/n), I mean it. Those weeks that went by were probably the hardest of my life.” He breathes out as he caresses my face and body so gently, as if he were thinking that I would just vanish right there. “I would never think of leaving you again, ever. Im your aphrodisiac after all. What would you do without me?” And without a care in the world we lied in each others arms whilst the party roared downstairs, and the host nowhere to be found.

[apriorisea]

I dont know if you watch the nick jonas and his wifes vogue interview but there was a moment that nick pulls her chair closer. I thought maybe you can do something like that with bts

–I hadn’t seen the interview, but I went and watched it at your recommendation and oh my goodness, it’s such a cute little moment! Here’s my take on the scenario, I hope you like it!! 💕💜

You x Namjoon“Two Years Into Forever”

You let Namjoon help you out of your coat and smile at the attendant who takes it from him and hangs it up. “Thank you so much,” you say to the man with a smile, waiting for your husband to wriggle out of his own jacket.    He gives a half-bow. “Of course. Enjoy yourself, ma’am.”    “Absolutely,” you say, taking Namjoon’s offered arm. “Have a good night.” The two of you step into the entrance hall and when he stops to check his reflection in the giant mirror on the wall, you roll your eyes. “Here,” you say irritably, turning him towards you and fixing his tie.    “Thanks so much,” he says, a deadpan imitation of your over-the-top kindness to the attendant earlier.     You swallow a retort, knowing neither one of you would be proud of your behavior later. You turn to check yourself in the mirror and take a small breath; the argument in the car had been so ridiculous, but there hadn’t been time to really resolve it before you’d arrived at the wedding venue. It had been a busy week (a busy week leading into an even busier next week) and both of you had let the stress drive you to bickering that had morphed into an actual argument.    “Ready?” He’s holding his arm out to you again, but his gaze is already fixed on the flower arches that lead into the venue.    You smooth a strand of hair back into place and then turn towards him, studying him for a moment. You take a small breath and then slip your arm through his. “We can do this, right?” you murmur pointedly as he helps you up the stairs to the first flower arch.    “Of course,” he answers stiffly. “Tonight is about them.”    You bite down on your sharp reply as he pulls open the door. As soon as you step into the reception, you’re intercepted by couple after couple, all friends who want to compliment how good the two of you look together, how pretty your dress is, how long it had been since they’d seen you, how beautiful the party looked. You and Namjoon get separated at one point, and you have warring feelings of bitterness and needing him by your side. Almost like he’d heard you, he appeared suddenly, handing you a drink but turning away before you could speak. Jerk. You turn away from him, scanning the crowd for other friends and acquaintances.    “Hey!” One of the groomsmen pops into view. He crushes you two together as he gives you a joint hug. “How is my favorite couple??”    You smile tolerantly, but stand back to let Namjoon handle the conversation. “Good, good,” he says, shaking the groomsman’s hand. “Nice to see you.”    “You guys, too—you look great. Actually, can I borrow you guys for a second?” He’s smiling so wide that you can see all of his teeth. “We’ve got this little studio set up, and we’re asking couples to come in and record a little video message with some advice for the bride and groom!”     “Oh,” Namjoon hesitates. “We just got here, and—”     “Come on,” he wheedles. “They desperately need advice from everyone’s favorite couple! You know you guys are relationship goals.”     You sigh quietly, knowing that he wouldn’t go away until he had what he wanted. “Sure,” you say, giving him a bright smile. “Where do we need to go?” He gives an elated little cheer, and gestures towards the back of the hall. Namjoon puts his hand gently on the small of your back, guiding you forward, and then follows close behind.    The “studio” is a small room off the side of the main hall that’s been setup with a handheld camera and a couple of high-backed fancy stools in front of a flowery backdrop. The groomsman introduces you to the “director” and then disappears with a bright smile and a “You guys are the best!!”    The director is an old friend of Namjoon’s and they chat easily while he sets up the camera. He leads the two of you towards the stools. “All right, man, we’ll have you there,” he says, pointing to the far stool, “And your wife here—you both look great, by the way.”    You smile politely and gather the skirt of your dress in preparation to climb onto the high stool, but before you can figure out just how you’re going to do it, Namjoon appears and lifts you easily onto the seat. He stays a moment, making sure you’re settled, then goes to his own spot. The two stools have quite a bit of space between them, and you smile to yourself a little bitterly as you realize the setup is a perfect representation of the post-fight distance between the two of you right now. Pushing it aside, you smooth your dress and smile at the camera, preparing for the interview.    “All right, you two,” the director says. “This video is a little “welcome to marriage” diary for the happy couple, and we wanted to interview as many rock-solid couples as possible, just get your best advice, you know. So…how long have you been married? How long have you been together?”    Namjoon answers first. “We’ve been married for 2 years, known each other for 5.”    “2 years, huh?” the man repeats. “Still in the honeymoon phase, or not so much?” He directs this question at you.    You smile politely. “In some ways, I don’t think we’ll ever move out of the honeymoon phase. It just gets better and better.” You try not to think about the irritable frost between you.    The director nods encouragingly. “You guys sure seem like a great couple.” He looks at Namjoon. “I mean, tell us about your wife, man—how did you get so lucky?”    “You know…” Namjoon looks over at you, his quick mind already whirling towards an answer, but as soon as you meet his eyes, he freezes. The softest smile crosses his face and you can actually see all the leftover prickliness melt away. “She’s perfect,” he says, and as all your defenses are melting away, he suddenly reaches over and grabs the stool’s legs, pulling you carefully towards him until you are nestled against his side. He slings his arm around the back of the seat, bringing you even closer, and then nods. “That’s better. Anyway, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to explain my luck. She’s honestly just my best friend in the whole world, and I can’t imagine my life without her.”    He’s tenderly tracing patterns into your shoulder with the arm slung around you and you almost want to cry at his honest praise. The stupid argument from the car flashes through your mind and you feel equal parts guilty and relieved that it was now officially over. Taking a small breath, you shift in your seat, cuddling against him a little more and reach over to take his free hand in one of yours.    “So you followed the old adage of marry your best friend,” the director sums up. He looks at you. “Do you agree with that sentiment?”    You nod immediately, smiling as you feel Namjoon softly run his thumb over your knuckles, glad to have a chance to voice your own praise. “He just makes everything easier, you know? Having my best friend at my side all the time just makes everything easier. And it’s never boring. I think I learn something new about him everyday, even though I feel like we both know every corner of each other’s soul perfectly.”    “Married life is a pretty easy ride, right? The boat never gets rocked?”    You think of the way the two of you had entered the reception, your bitter exchange in the hallway, and feel the tips of your ears go pink. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” you laugh lightly, looking up at Namjoon.    He meets your eyes and squeezes your hand a little sheepishly. “It’s not always sunny,” he admits, not looking away from your face. “But even through the craziest storms or the dumbest little disagreements, we’re still a team. She’s still the person I trust the most, the only one I want to talk to when I’m happy or sad….”    You smile as he trails off. “The best part about marriage is having that rock, that partner-in-crime. I rely on him like no one else, and even when we disagree, I know he’s still my protector and my lifeline all in one.” Every trace of the earlier argument has disappeared, and all you can think as you look into your husband’s eyes is how much you love this man.    Evidently, he’s thinking along the same lines because he leans forward suddenly, pressing his lips tenderly to yours. “I love you,” he says softly as he pulls back.    “I love you, too.”     Someone coughs in the background, and the color rushes to your face as you suddenly remember that the two of you are not alone. “Wow,” the director says. “You two really are just in your own little world, aren’t you?”    “I’m so sorry,” Namjoon says, but he can’t stop smiling, secretly pleased with himself: you know how much he loves to show you off in public. He squeezes your hand and settles back in his seat. “I promise we’ll behave from now on.”    You’re still blushing furiously, but you take a small breath and smooth back a strand of your hair. “Yes, sorry about that.”    The director laughs. “Nah, don’t worry. You guys are adorable. So, what would you say is the most important thing to remember about marriage?”    Namjoon fields this question, so you settle back in your seat and listen to him talk: now that the tension between you two had evaporated, the words rolled more easily off his tongue, and as he talks you can feel him playing with the ends of your hair. You turn to watch him, unable to keep the slightly-goofy smile off your face as you listen to his familiar, calming cadence. Throughout the rest of the interview, he runs his fingertips over your neck and back, squeezes your hand, bumps his shoulder against yours, and once he even kisses your cheek at the end of one of your answers. You find yourself completely grateful for this silly little video interview, for the way it had so perfectly fixed the tiny rift between the two of you.    When you’re finally done, Namjoon gets to his feet and then turns to face you. He kisses your forehead and then murmurs against your skin, “I’m sorry, my love. I was being ridiculous.”     “I’m sorry, too,” you say, grabbing the lapels of his suit jacket and holding him in place. “I adore you.”    He grins and pulls back. “Let’s go find some food, yeah?”    “Yes!” you agree eagerly. “Plus, we should probably find the newlyweds at some point…”    “Probably.” He puts his hands on your waist and helps you down from the stool; he doesn’t let go once you’re on your feet. Turning slightly towards his friend, he gives a small wave. “Thank you!” His arm still wrapped around your waist, he guides you out of the studio room, but once you’re in the secluded hallway, he spins you around to face him. “You really are my best friend,” he says seriously, leaning down to rest his forehead against yours.     You smile. “And you’re mine, sweetest husband in the entire world.” You eagerly accept his kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck when he tries to pull away too soon. When you finally break apart, you straighten his tie again. “You look so good, babe. I kinda wish we were home right now…”     “Oh yeah?” He raises one eyebrow at you, making your heart race. “Well…maybe we just go congratulate the happy couple, grab a few snacks, and head back home…?”      The silly butterflies he had always given you fill your stomach again and you nod. “Yes, please.”    He kisses you again, then slips his hand into yours. “Okay, love. Let’s go.”

[max-iepup]

1. What tends to feel better for you, sex or masturbation?

Sex 🐶

2. Your 5 favorite spots to be stimulated.

My neck, booty (+hole), inner thighs, nipps, and mouth

3. Have you ever had your prostate stimulated?

Yessum

4. Have you ever had an orgasm from anywhere other than your genitals?

Yeah.... daddy knows how

5. Do you prefer clitoral or vaginal stimulation?

Idk...i don't want either of them on my body

6. Can you touch your clitoris directly, or does that hurt?

I can touch it yeah

7. Are you well-acquainted with your G-spot?

Not really

8. Are handjobs boring, or underrated?

Like receiving or giving? Giving they are boring but receiving id say not underrated but not boring

9. Do you like having your balls touched?

Yes?

10. Do you like having your nipples touched?

Definitely!

11. Do you like having your anus touched?

Hehe yes 🐶

12. Have you ever been fisted (anally or vaginally)?

Nope to both

13. Do you like mild roughness (scratching, spanking, hair-pulling, etc.)?

Yes please!!! I kind of need it to really feel any pleasure

14. Do you have any kinks?

Ummmm i habe a lot

15. Are you into anything under the BDSM umbrella?

Hehe yupperoni! Thats why imma pup and a little

16. Do you pee in the shower?

Yes it saves toilet paper

17. Do you ever masturbate in the shower?

Yup

18. Have you had sex in the shower?

Yups

19. Do you like being naked?

Yesh

20. Do you sleep partially/fully naked?

Yeppers!

21. Have you ever skinny dipped?

No sadly..

22. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve done nude?

Idk i guess worked on hw or cried...

23. Have you ever to a nude beach, naked party, or other situation involving casual nudity?

Nope sadly

24. Are you comfortable being seen partially/fully naked by family or friends (i.e. getting dressed, etc.)?

Not with family really and friends it depends on who it is due to how i feel about my body

25. Are you comfortable with partners seeing you nude in non-sexual contexts?

Like showering?? Then yes

26. Have you ever showered with someone (non-sexually)?

Does starting off not sexual count?

27. Do you care if a partner sees you going to the bathroom?

A bit but im working on this

28. Do you have naked pictures/videos of yourself? If yes, have you sent them to anyone? Are they online?

Yes i do, and yes i have, and yes they are. Look up olliepupslave on twitter or pornhub

29. How many sexual partners have you had?

7? What counts exactly?

30. How often do you masturbate?

Depends on my mood really. It can swing from once every couple weeks to almost daily

31. Age you started masturbating? How did you discover/learn about it?

I was about 11 i think and i had found my parents porn dvds when they weren't home. I also accidentally watched an adult show on tv

32. What position do you typically masturbate in (laying on back, on stomach, sitting up, etc.)?

Laying on my back

33. Describe your masturbation routine, technique, etc.

Idk i just either play porn or not or i look at things from daddy and i just sort of rub down there...idk

34. What do you masturbate to (porn, smut, imagination, etc.)?

Porn usually sometimes imagination

35. Have you ever masturbated to the point you got sore?

No

36. Your thoughts the first time you got up close and personal with the opposite set of genitals?

That I really liked the way they felt in my mouth. And i really enjoyed the taste. I started off with bjs and thats just what I really love

37. Have you ever “compared” (genitals, breasts, whatever) with a friend?

No not really

38. What kind of underwear do you normally wear?

I love boxer briefs

39. Do you ever go commando?

I have yes

40. Have you ever had a wet dream/orgasmed in your sleep?

Yups hehe

41. How big is your penis?

...

42. Does your penis curve at all?

...

43. Which testicle hangs lower?

...

44. How big are your breasts?

...

45. Do you long or short labia? Are they even or uneven?

...

46. Do you have a particularly large or tiny clitoris?

...

47. Are you circumcised or no? Are you happy with it?

...

48. Are you turned on or off by foreskin, or don’t care?

Idk as long as they clean up right its fine

49. What are you more into (or like more about yourself), boobs or butts?

Butts

50. Do you find genitals physically attractive, or weird/gross, or not feel strongly either way?

The first one

51. Do you like the way your genitals look?

...

52. Would you be able to pick out your genitals from a lineup?

...

53. Do you like your butt?

...

54. What do you do with your pubic hair (shave, trim, wax, nothing, etc.)?

I shave

55. Do you care/have a preference what partners do with their pubic hair?

I prefer shaved or trimmed at least

56. Do you tuck your penis a certain way (i.e. left or right) when you get dressed?

...

57. Do you have or want any genital piercings? Do you like any on other people?

...

58. What is the quickest you’ve ever brought yourself (or been brought) to orgasm?

Ummm idk within seconds i guess

59. Do you ever “edge” (repeatedly stop and start) when masturbating?

I do yes

60. What’s the longest masturbation session you’ve had? Longest sex session?

Idk really i dont keep track of time during that stuff

61. What’s the most orgasms you’ve had in one session (of anything)?

100 or 200

62. Do your orgasms tend to be full-body, or crotch-centric?

Depends on how i climaxed

63. Spit or swallow?

I wanna swallow but my gag reflex sucks...

64. When you ejaculate, do you more shoot or dribble?

Dribble

65. Is it hot or gross to get ejaculated on?

Hot

66. Do you “squirt?”

I have yes

67. Have you ever attempted (or succeeded) to give yourself oral?

Nope

68. Have you ever given/received a footjob, boobjob, etc.?

Ive given a boobjob

69. Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Yup

70. Have you ever had sex in a bed/on a couch that didn’t belong to either of you?

No

71. Have you ever had sex/masturbated while somebody was sleeping near you?

Yes

72. How many rooms of your house/apartment/etc. have you had sex in?

Current house none

73. Strangest/most unique place you’ve had sex? How about masturbated?

A car for sex and masturbated in class back in like middle school

74. Have you had any sexual experiences that were downright gross?

No

75. Are you particularly “vocal” when masturbating/having sex?

Sex yeah takes a bit for me to be vocal when masturbating

76. Have you ever been caught masturbating/having sex?

Yeah sorta

77. Have you had or do you want to have a threesome (or foursome, or more)?

I have had one yes but I want to do it again

78. Do you own any sex toys?

Tons

79. Have you ever used a homemade sex toy, or a regular object as a sex toy?

Yup. Legos, hairbrush, toothbrush, handle to a loofa, phone vibrator apps, markers

80. Can a dildo feel as good as a penis (assuming the person with the penis is good at what they do)?

It can if you are going for like wanting a bigger size but it doesnt feel right like its cold at first which makes it feel sorta wrong to me. Cus like a real penis is gonna be warm cus its alive

81. What are your favorite positions?

Doggy, riding someone is really fun, this one where when laying on my stomach i put my legs together and then the other person spreads theirs around

82. Your most embarrassing sexual experience?

Was deepthroating daddy and accidentally barfed because of my gag relfex ....

83. Worst place/time you’ve ever gotten a boner?

Idk

84. Have you ever had any genital injuries?

My sister punched my pelvis once but not my actual vagina

85. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection?

Nope

86. Have you ever had a non-sexually transmitted genital infection (yeast infection, etc)?

Yeah ive had a yeast infection before

87. If you lack a penis, have you ever tried to pee standing up?

Yeah i do it in the shower

88. If you lack a penis, how familiar are you with how you look down there?

Very

89. Do you think you’re “good” at sex, or your performance/skill could use improvement?

A bit of both

90. Have you “sexted” (whether through text messaging or IM chat)?

Yup since i found out what sex was

91. Have you masturbated for or with someone via webcam?

Yup

92. Have you have phone sex?

Yeah

93. If you had the opposite set of genitals for a day, name 5 things you would do.

I would get a bj, fuck someones ass, go to a gloryhole, free ball it, and probably drive around with it hanging out

94. What’s something you like about your body?

My hair i guess

95. What’s something you dislike about your body?

Almost all of it

96. What body parts do you find the sexiest?

On me or someone else?

97. What was your most recent sexual thought?

That I want to get fucked spmewhere public at night

98. Do you ever just play with your boobs, penis, labia, etc.?

Yeah lol

99. When was the last time you touched your genitals?

When i took a shower so yesterday

100. Do you often imagine people naked?

Not really

@acesoldier88-sfw