#-i will get that number down to 0 damnit ))

[canon-fcdder]

(( Just talking - I’d consider it positive-ish, but I’ll hide it so people don’t have to See It )) 

(( Depression and IRL: *has hands* )) 

(( My Energy Levels: *do not* )) 

(( BUT I really want to Not not do all the things I’ve been putting off for A Long Time— one of which is going through my Discord and Tunglr messages because holy FUCK they’ve been there for a while and they’ve piled up and the anxiety is Not Vibing with that; Side Note: I’m really sorry and I understand if it’s been Too Long but tomorrow I’m going to start combing through them because I have 180+ and it’s... yeah, i Need to fix that —so to try and break past this wall of ‘too many things and unable to Do the things’, I decided to start with something smol and Fun to relax and get my mind prepared for Tomorrow )) 

(( Anyway TLDR: I started rewatching LMK because I want to work my way up to the New Stuff... Red Son said the word ‘ Robit ’ and I felt my heart explode but in a good way lmao )) 

[axailslink]

Okay hear me out our poor girl Scotty has 0 play right? So maybe she reaches out to us (the reader) in an attempt to get better at talking to girls. Unknown to her tho the reader has had the biggest crush on her and just hasn’t confessed yet. This could be a series or just an imagine your choice

Care to do it again?

Scotty x FEM reader

Summary: Scotty asks for your help when it comes to talking to women not knowing you have had a crush on her for two years or so that's what you think.

Scotty stands impatiently at your door as you leave your apartment you jump at her just standing there "God damnit Scotty you can't just be doing that knock good Lord" you place your hand on your chest and lock the door. "What's wrong Scott? Someone messing with you I need to kick someone's ass what is it love?" Scotty looks at you nervously as she slowly fidgets with her hands you immediately unlock the door and pull her in the apartment. "Hey I'm here what is it?" Scotty groans and rubs her face "this is embarrassing what if I just don't tell you?" It's your turn to groan now "you made the commute here you obviously need something don't hold back because of nerves you know I got you always for anything." She smiles a bit at the way you comfort her before finally saying what she needs to "I want to be able to talk to girls like talk talk as if I'm interested."

You're confused as fuck now you had to admit you're surprised she's come to you for this information. Did she think you were some well pimped out person? "And you're coming to me because..?" She smiles at you "I want you to help me you're always overflowing with confidence and beauty how do I do that? You have girls and guys coming up to you I don't have that."

This was like a nightmare to you your crush of two years wants to be more like you to get other girls that aren't you... You definitely couldn't deal but you also would never tell Scotty "no" you'd do anything for her. "I could pay you in return" you shake your head no "no Scott that's not needed love what exactly do you want?" She shrugs and you smile "okay how about you practice some game on me ask me out."

She smiles and looks away you love how shy she gets but you also knew her for the longest so you know that she's not as shy as she puts on. "Hi I'm Scotty-" you immediately burst out laughing she sighs "what?" You mock her with your hand up "hi I'm Scotty" your voice two pitches above her own she laughs at you and grabs your hand "I do not sound like that."

"Oh you so do okay okay I'll show you how I get a girls number" you pause as you remember she grabbed your hand a moment ago you gently loosen her grip and place your hand at your side "I'm goofy so being goofy works for me okay just let me get into character." You shake your arms and walk a few paces back before approaching her "I'm so sorry to interrupt but you are astonishing I mean I don't know if you like girls or guys but I like you and hopefully if you're interested enough could I possibly get your number?" She laughs at you and you break character "is that how you'd ask for my number?" She asks and you laugh before pulling her on the couch.

"No probably not but in all seriousness just be you Scotty shy little timid Scotty. Remember when you'd write me letters in grade school because you hadn't worked up the courage to talk to me? Be that Scotty she's the best version of you" you hated being a friend to someone you knew you loved why? Not only does it hurt but at the end of the day you still have to be a friend and give the best advice you can. She smiles and grabs your hand squeezing it "thank you Y/n you're so good to me" you smile feeling yourself about to reach tears you immediately get up looking everywhere but her she doesn't let your hand go though. "Of course always... uhm I have to head to work thanks to you I might be a bit late." You feel a squeeze on your hand bringing your attention back to her "you might be a bit later I have a question" she pulls you back down onto the couch "hm?" You hum instead of speaking because if you were to speak she'd hear the waver in your voice.

Why can't it be you? Why can't she learn to speak to girls so that can speak to you? Why do you just have to be the friend?

"I want to date you" you blink and your mind does fucking backflips while your face stays the same "what?" You ask thinking you misheard her of course that would be possible your emotions are all over the place you could just be conjuring up t- Scotty pulls you into a kiss catching you off guard however you immediately kiss back cupping her face with both hands. She pulls away rather quickly though she's nervous it's noticeable"I hope I did that right" you nod "I think you did" you look at her momentarily and smile "you could do it longer though I don't bite... unless you want me to" she laughs "oh that's fucking weird" she laughs and covers her face of embarrassment "how can you say things like that? We were having a cute moment" It was good to say you're taking a sick day just because this was huge to you and you needed all the time in the world so you could focus on Scotty.

A/n: not proud of this at all however I really wanted to get your request done.

[blocky-tides]

!! Hello Hello!! Might I suggest number 42 with either qTubbo or Ren and Martyn from 3rd Life? I'm about to absolutely demolish (/pos) all your works so far, I am excited for fics based off of songs >:3

42 - spit in my face! by thxsomuch

a static drone fills tubbo's ears.

why does this always happen to him? why does it always fucking happen to him! fuck! fighting the urge to slam his hands down, hard, on his workstation.

his hands shake as they struggle to piece the fragile parts together, accidentally dropping a gear down the cracks. god fucking damnit. why can't he do one thing right. ���

tubbo picks up the machine he was working on, small enough to roll around in his hands. it was a piece of art, a gift for fred before he left, died, got kidnapped.

screaming out in frustration tubbo threw the music box to the wall as hard as he could. wincing at the sudden sound as the music box crumpled into itself, the last few notes of an all too familiar song screeched in the air. the one he shared with fred.

letting another scream rip free, tubbo questioned himself. what kind of person was he? burying his face in his hands, smearing grease all of it, curling into himself as if to get away from everything and anyone.

if he couldn't even protect those he loved. he has an egg now. a daughter to consider. how any of his actions could backfire on fire on sunny.

he stayed in that hunched out position on the floor well, fighting back tears, until the weak morning sunlight shined into the factory filling it with warm light, glinting off the glass fixtures. hearing the distance conversation of fit and pac as they approached the factory, like they always do each morning.

he didn't want to pick himself up, like he always had to do. he wanted to stay on the ground forever, not facing his troubles.

all of his problems would be solved if the federation didn't exist. no one to threaten fred into compliance. sunny could have unlimited lives, not restrained by the two. they could be free.

blinking to himself, that was a great idea. why didn't he think of that sooner? carefully ignoring all attempts of rebellion that he had seen so far.

scrambling up from the floor to chase after pac, who wandered further away from the entrance to his factory. pac would most definitely help him get rid of the federation. a little blood never hurts anyone.

{spotify wrapped drabbles - send me a number between 0-100 with a character or ship and i will write a drabble}

[thefoundationproject]

Hello I am establishing an 'Edee Feels support group'. This week we will talk about The Audacity. Beginning with Six. How dare you? More Edee babies? I'M NOT READY. Edee 1.0 are still babies how could you.

Second it is way too on brand for Six to be like "I raised you boys with 0 experience as a single teen dad with only my fellow teen dads, an old bag of Space-Doritos, and the childcare equivalent of a torn up caff covered Space-Ikea manual with 100 out of 101 pages missing for help. You guys are alright I guess, what could go wrong?" I mean they couldn't possibly be worse? I guess???

Edee pride! Don't worry boys Colt is playing professional, the babies will be here in no time.

Baby Edees learning to swim! I agree that would be adorable Gree. Berries? The babies aren't here yet Neyo no need to hold back. Force knows Fox doesn't.

THE DRAFT. You can just tell that visiting Sixs house has been like a punch straight in the jugular for Fox. Surprised he hasn't broken in in the middle of the night to redecorate.

Officer Alpha-06 HAH. Colt is a professional thank you very much.

Asking Nova for help how dare you Six! As if 2 of your children don't have a wellknown reno show. Disrespectful. Though it would mean he asks Bacara, who is Edee, so it counts. On brand that they turn production up-side down just do they do the reno. As if they're the only reno crew on Concord Dawn. It will be beautiful because it's what Edees baby brothers (and Six) deserve damnit!

1 out of 4 is wonderful for a firsttime parent given the circumstances. Yes Colt it is you, but parents aren't supposed to have favourites, so best not to name names. This, like who's actually the oldest, is just another thing to remind them that they're still Sixs little shits and not to get too uppity.

Edee superiority!

Edee feels would need a quarter mile of bedrock to support it, given there’s so much of it.  And Edee Feels is like 78% Audacity by volume, so you may have quite a number of talking points on this week’s agenda.  

At this point Six has given up on thinking any of his brats will ever become mature.  It’s a lost cause and false hope.  They got taller but they’re still those garbage-eating fib-telling trouble-finding gremlins at heart.  Might as well get more of em.  They’re probably like cats: they’ll entertain each other.

This is the most beautiful description of the Alphas I have ever seen in my life.  And yeah, Six did alright.  Raised a couple of right assholes but hey, just means they take after him is all.  It wasn’t the worst, and hey, this time training a squad means he gets to teach them all the bad habits he had time to refine since he started out.  It’ll be great.

Colt there asking if Six wanted to take a squad home or if he wanted to come in to the creche to teach, as if he didn’t already know the answer to that.  Colt isn’t going to LOOK LIKE he’s playing favorites with Six, but everyone knows he’s playing favorites with Six.  He’s definitely already seen a squad that was like ‘these are Six’s kids, I can feel it’.  

I forget who I was talking to, it might have been a general conversation in the server, but: little baby vode in giant oversized floaties bobbing in the pool and playing and screeching and laughing and definitely not learning anything relevant to SCUBA tactics but having the most bestest time instead.  And the image never left my head.

Neyo was trying to be polite.  Didn’t want to give Six heart palpitations, that could be dangerous at his advanced age.

Fox dies a little inside every time he thinks about Six’s house.  It’s awful and drafty and it’s furnished in Clashing Chic and Fox has wanted a reason to overhaul that place for basically ever.  

Colt isn’t a professional, he just plays one on holovision.

Fox and Gree throwing shade at Nova while every one of them dang well knows Bacara is in the chat is just so entirely on brand for them.  Six is going to get Nova to do it?  Nova????  Why don’t you just come spit in my face directly, huh???  Psh.  Nova.  HA.  And Bacara is just like: hello yes I would like to talk to the manager about returns, yes I’ll hold.

(Fox will go Extra because he is Fox and this is Six’s house and it’s for his baby brothers.  It will be The Most Extra.  Like vod’ika-sized cat highway extra.)

Six absolutely awards the one-in-four not necessarily to whichever hasn’t pissed him off recently, but to whichever of them it will cause the most histrionics in the others.  In this case, leaving it ambiguous produced the funnest results.

Edee superiority is a given.  Can you imagine if they were like the Shebse?  It’d just be chaos.

[satashiiwrites]

Tagged by the lovely @radio-chatter

Nicknames:  Satashii

Zodiac:  Taurus.  Supposedly that makes me calm and patient as an earth sign?  

Height:  5′2″ 

Hogwarts house:  Slytherin 

Last thing I googled:  JD Pardo.  For FIC reasons okay?

Followers: 70. 

Song stuck in my head:  Mele Kalikimaka (because my sister from another mother is evil and did the equivalent of rick rolling me with this song this morning)

How much sleep:  never enough?  I take too much call for work.  I probably end up working the equivalent of a 28-32 hour shift once every other week which then throws off my ability to sleep normally any other day.  I also occasionally work overnights to fill in scheduling gaps.  I’m always tired. 

Lucky number: 42.  Because it’s the answer to life the universe and everything else.  But at work it’s 0 because that’s the operator and they know how to connect me to whoever i need to urgently need to speak with and I never can remember extensions. 

Dream job:  travel landscape photographer or novelist.  Something independently wealthy where I can work for enjoyment. Then again I have a strong desire to help people so probably would do something like medical missions in my down time. 

Wearing:  fleece lined yoga pants, my comfiest ten tree hoodie. I’m all about the comfort and warmth. 

Favourite song:  Currently?  Probably champagne problems by taylor swift.  Ask me tomorrow and I’ll give you a different answer.  Just not mele kalikimaka by bing crosby. *starts humming mele—damnit stop that brain*

Favourite instrument: piano.  Or cello.  I play both badly. I think i’d like to pick up the ukelele as a hobby tho. 

Aesthetic: Exhausted medical provider?  Is that a thing?  I live in scrubs at work.  At home it’s yoga pants and hoodies. But if you’re talking my favorite interior design theme it’s mid-century modern with a cottage core or dark academia twist. and yes i know that makes no sense to anyone other than me. 

Favourite Author:  hm. Classical answer here is Jane Austen. But that would be just an answer to make someone go away and stop asking.  More accurately I think I love Susan Cooper, CS Lewis, Tolkien, Shakespeare, Isabelle Allende, Tad Williams, Octavia Butler, Neil Gaiman, Tamora Pierce, Lynn Flewelling, Robert Jordan, Stephen R Lawhead are the ones that come to mind.  But I read a ton of nonfiction and love the Great Courses.  

Favourite animal noise:  wolf howls.  Life goal: spend a few weeks in Yellowstone during winter and go on wildlife walks to listen to their cries echo off the mountains. 

Something random: I’m a much happier person if I get to go on regular backpacking/hiking trips into the wilderness.  I just like being outside in the wild surrounded by mountains and away from other people.  National parks are a balm for my mental health. 

Tagging whoever wants to play along

[murswrites]

Fluff Alphabet ⎯ Diego Hargreeves

Character/Celeb: Diego “Number 2″ Hargreeves Fandom: The Umbrella Academy MASTERLIST

A/N I love Diego can’t you tell :)))))) Can you believe it, I’m once again neglecting my requests <3

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Not to be that person, but he’s an ass man <3 But he also likes how soft your eyes are whenever you to meet eyes from across the room.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

I think he’d want a baby in theory. But in practice, it wouldn’t be ideal for Diego considering his dangerous lifestyle. I feel like he may daydream about having a mundane life but he knows he’s not cut out for it.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

Some days, he’s the big spoon, other days, he just needs to be held. He runs real warm so there’s no need for any sweaters, he’ll rest his head on your shoulder if he’s the big spoon. But when you two huddle together, Diego likes to rest his head against your chest. Sometimes he likes sitting with his head in your lap because he enjoys the feeling of you playing with his hair.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Very lowkey, casual, cute. He’ll cook for you because we all know that he watched Grace in the kitchen. Diego isn’t the best chef but he makes a killer spaghetti and meatballs. He’ll set up candles around the apartment, maybe even some rose petals if it’s that kind of night. Definitely has wine out or beer if you prefer it.

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

“You’re my joy.”

You make him the happiest he’s ever been and Diego truly trusts you with his life.

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

When you two were commuting via the subway and when you lost your balance and fell into him, he obviously caught you. “You caught me falling for you.” Sure, it was cheesy and corny, but damnit if Diego wasn’t whipped.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Yes!!! He tends to hold your face between his hands and look deeply into your eyes. Diego’s unsurprisingly gentle due to his agile skills because of his knives. He also speaks softly quite often and smiles a lot around you.

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

He doesn’t tend to intwine your fingers as he likes the warmth of your palms. But you two often get clammy hands so he prefers an arm over your shoulder or you holding onto his upper arm.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

You were a glorious idiot. But in the best way possible, sure it wasn’t your fault that you were carrying far too much for your arms and maybe Diego should have helped you but the sight of someone trying to carry about a million things was hilarious... that’s until you tripped and fell on the sidewalk 0-0. He felt horrible and immediately rushed to help.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Sometimes. Whenever he does, he’ll probably stare the person down but if Diego’s already in a bad mood, he’ll definitely cause a scene.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

You kissed him first, it was on the cheek but he still considers it to be the first kiss. Diego is soft and tender despite popular belief. He holds your face between his hands and oftentimes is slow about it due to him just wanting to enjoy every second.

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

He does. And it isn’t with those words, this was before you two started really dating so it surprised you that Diego noticed what your favorite drink was. Because you knew you were all out but he didn’t... and yet he showed up that night with it in his hand. “It’s your favorite, right?” You kissed him after that.

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

Spring cleaning is hell but Diego offered to help, not believing you when you said you absolutely detested it. The entire day was spent blasting music and singing/dancing together. Diego made it fun for you and it was quite enjoyable.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

He likes to make you cute things like little notes, roses out of napkins... a bloody knife with your name engraved :))

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Soft blue grey.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Darling (unironically), pumpkin, cutie, just soft stuff.

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

Reading classics but don’t tell anyone.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

Watch movies and just hang out all day.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

He tends to exert all of his negative energy into his vigilante work so he tends to just push his own emotions aside. But if you’re sad, best believe!! Diego will MOVE THE MOON AND SUN TO MAKE YOU SMILE!!

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

His “work” and the things he likes and you.

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Being around you and those he trusts honestly just... makes him comfortable. But he does enjoy a good back massage.

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

His skills, duh! Diego is very proud of his powers and I feel like he’d enjoy showing you how they work once you two get close enough.

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

Diego would probably do it on a whim, just deciding one day that he’s done with the vigilante work and that he wants to settle down with you.

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

Lonesome - SHAED ?

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Not really, he’s aware of the dangers of just being seen with him so he doesn’t tend to dwell on what he “can’t” have.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

A black cat (or Maine Coon) or Alaskan Malamute, something big and fluffy. He’d definitely give his pet a nice, fancy name like... Stuart or Stanley... maybe Shelby?

TUA Taglist (open)

@heliophilia

@simonsbluee

@msbzowy

@rolls-and-rolex

@bluesclues-1234

@yippikaiyaymotherfucker

@jackie565656

@imayhavemisunderstood

[tomurasprincess]

Even though my favorite smut of all times is Masked Deception, that's not the one that immediately comes to mind or sticks in it when I think of you. I think of "Press Start" and "Wraith's Touch". (I had to go through your masterlist to find the names in order to mention them. And be prepared for my long comments)

"Press Start" was either the first or second fic by you that I read. The beginning and ending will forever stay in my head and amaze me. It's been in there ever since I read it. There are sometimes where my mind wanders and I either think about good writing on tumblr and or all the smut I've read and I think about that beginning and ending each time. The "Player Select. Two players. Searching for Player Two..." and the ominous and impending yandere feeling that gave. I can't even fully describe how it felt, but I love it. And at the end "Player one: 16 credits. Player two: 0 credits. Continue? 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Game over" I think it was 16. That number sticks out in my memory. But I obsessed over that ending and I still do. Probably because I love video games and it's just so perfect.

"Wraith's Touch" I think I was scrolling on your masterlist or something and went "Hmm, Ghost Shigaraki. That sounds cool!" And I LOVED the plot in it and everything in it! The small details, the way it progresses, how she thinks it's just a dream so it's okay to enjoy it but waking up with a bruise from a hand with one finger missing. The chill that ran up my spine when it was revealed he was only pretending that the spell worked. And the impending doom when the reader is trying to get out, but he kills them before they can get out so they're forever trapped inside the house. All of it is beautiful and I love it so much! I remember being slightly worried since you said the ending was dark, but then I got to it and said "Oh, it's not that bad." So either it actually isn't that bad or I've just been consuming too much dark stuff. 😂

Also, I remember when I first started reading your fics and I was on pc, I remember the background was blobs of purple floating down and sometimes I would just stare at it and wondering when the loop started and thinking how the aesthetic it gave didn't match the yandere smut going on in the fic. XD

Anyway, sorry for this long thing that will clog up people's dashes. I probably should have just said all of that in a reblog of the fics. But I hope you are doing well and know I appreciate your works and that I think you are a great author. -Sapphire anon

I am honestly not sure if I can even articulate how much a comment like this means to me, seriously. Press Start and Wraith’s Touch are two of my favorite Shiggy fics (Wraith’s Touch edges out Press Start I think, but not by much) and to have such a long and detailed review like this is honestly a fanfic writer’s dream.

I was so damned proud of that start and ending to Press Start, and I’m over the moon that that it had such an effect on you! That was one I came up with while driving, and the idea just smacked me in the face. I actually pulled my car over just to write out my thoughts, I was so afraid of losing them 😂

Wraith’s Touch came from a deep deep love of horror media and haunted house stories. Even when I was too young to watch horror movies, I loved horror stuff. Horror video games (Silent Hill 2 is godlike and so is Outlast), horror movies, horror books, I devoured all of it. So I knew I wanted to do something with a horror twist. Weird thing about that fic: I had the ending planned out and written almost before I even had a beginning! The image of Shigaraki holding a dying reader as he reveals that he killed her...it just stuck in my mind and would not let go. I was a bit worried about the reaction to the ending simply because I know a lot of people don’t like it when reader dies, but it had a really good reception 💞

And omg I can’t believe you even remembered my theme. You’re right that it doesn’t EXACTLY fit my writing vibe, but damnit I am a girly girl that loves purple and I shall have it. 😂 You don’t ever have to worry about length comments though, you have no idea how much this comment means to me. Thank you so much sapphire anon, you have my whole heart for this comment 💞💞💞

[tayman001]

GrimmIchi (post epilogue): Includes some Anime characters and an original character of mine also using Anime terms. 9

Taylor (from inside the house): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ichigo: What is he doing? Taylor runs out of the house looking like he just got fried by fire and lightning at the same time Ichigo: Ok its clear something went wrong. Taylor running around because he is on fire and keeps getting zapped by lightning by something can't be seen by anyone present Ichigo: Captain what's the matter. Taylor is too preoccupied to respond Ichigo: exits his body and runs over to Taylor Captain what's the matter? Taylor: Get this thing away from me so... gets zapped by lightning ...can get out of my body. Ichigo: Get what away from you? Taylor at that moment seems to have turned to ash Everyone: WTF JUST HAPPENED TO HEAD CAPTAIN TAYLOR! The being that attacked Taylor than shows himself to everyone Unknown: MUHAHAHAHAHA, Your Head Captain was pretty pathetic, I never expected him to be reduced to ash so quickly. Just than a Shakkahō hits the creature point blank in the back Taylor: Who said I was dead? That was just one of my clones used as decoys even if it means using them to fool even my allies to make the enemy believe that was actually me. Unknown: Oh so you tried to trick me! TAKE THIS! proceeds to send fire and lightning at Taylor Taylor deflects them with his hands Unknown: HOW! Taylor: Do you really think I'm a push over? If so let me point out my personally changes from laid-back and kind to aggressive and mean during combat so don't you dare thing you can attack me and expect me to bow down to you! proceeds to cut off the creature's arms Now you die. proceeds to cut off the creatures head Unknown: Damnit dies Taylor (to the creature): You never should have attacked me. Ichigo: WTF was that thing? Taylor: It kinda looked like a Jigoku no Gaki. Ichigo: A what? Since it didn't look like a Sinner like Kokutō. Taylor: That's because it was a Beast of Hell. Ichigo: But how did it get here I didn't see a Gate of Hell or a portal that Kokutō made. Taylor: That's because it opened one of these... opens a Hell portal which resembles a mouth before quickly closing it Ichigo: WTF how'd you do that? Taylor: Oh I have a bunch of powers I don't use that being one of them. opens are Garganta like an Arrancar does then steps through The Garganta closes Ichigo: Why are you heading to Hueco Mundo Taylor? Grimmjow: He already left, honey. Ichigo: I'm not an idiot Grimm. Meanwhile in Hueco Mundo At the Negal Ruins Taylor arrive through the Garganta At Las Noches Apacci: Master Harribel a Soul Reaper has just entered Hueco Mundo! Sung-Sun: Shall we attack them Master? Mila Rose: And tear them apart! Harribel: Lets wait and see why they are here first before jumping to conclusion that they are here to fight. Sung-Sun: As you wish Master. At the Negal Ruins Taylor: I swear I sensed hostile Quincy near here. Just than Apacci, Sung-Sun and Mila Rose watch from the shadows at the request of Tier Harribel Taylor: I can sense you three and if you are worried that I might be here to fight don't be since I have no intention of attacking you or Harribel, if I were I'd have arrived at Las Noches. Apacci comes down to fight Apacci: Fight me you twit... Wait you're wearing the Squad 1's Captains coat... Your the Head Captain aren't you? Taylor: Why yes I am but I'm not just a Soul Reaper, I'm human like Ichigo Kurosaki who I appointed as my Lieutenant, I'm a Quincy, Visored and Arrancar and Average Hollow, the Arrancar and Average Hollow are due to my Inner Hollow letting me use those forms at will. proceeds to change into Arrancar form As you can see I just changed into my Arrancar form which oddly has a number connected to it despite I didn't think Espada Tattoos are fused to the skin and instead are placed there by a Tattoo artist. Apacci: What number? Taylor: Why don't I just show you. proceeds to lift left pant leg to reveal a number that doesn't exist in any other form Apacci: WAIT THAT NUMBER IS 0! Taylor: Sure my spirit energy is stronger than Aizen and Yhwach combined with Ichigo added to that but that doesn't mean anything since I don't fight much unless provoked. So just because I can change my form I do not intend to still Harribel's throne. proceeds to change back into his normal form The reason why I came was due to sensing Hostile Quincy in this area while I was back in the World of the Living since when I opened a Garganta using this technique proceeds to open a Garganta like the Arrancar do I sensed Hostile Quincy through it.

Apacci: Why not just contact Harribel and have said that instead of showing up. Taylor: Because I was hoping to deal with it before you four got word that way that you didn't have to deal with it. Just then Tier Harribel showed up Harribel: That explains the Quincy Spirit Pressure I sensed an hour ago. Taylor: Exactly speaking of which... shoots a arrow at a nearby rock Candice and Meninas: Ahh! Taylor: WTF are you two doing here, weren't you killed by Auswählen? Candice: AND JUST WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND HOW ARE YOU USING A HEILIG BOGEN DESPITE CLEARLY BEING A SOUL REAPER! Taylor: Correction I am human, born with Soul Reaper, Quincy and Hollow powers. Meninas: You sound like that Kurosaki guy. Taylor: If you mean Ichigo, He is my Lieutenant. Candice, Meninas and Harribel: WTF. Taylor: But unlike Ichigo, my powers weren't inherited directly since I didn't get my powers from my parents like Ichigo did but I got mine from one of my ancestors since my parents are normal humans. Ichigo got his Quincy and Hollow powers from his mother Masaki Kurosaki, while he got his Soul Reaper powers from his father Isshin Shiba who upon marrying Masaki took on her last name at least that's what I'd assume what happened. His sisters on the other hand only got one power each, Karin got Soul Reaper powers from Isshin while Yuzu got Quincy powers from Masaki and Yuzu was slightly effected by Auswählen but it only effected her ability to see spirits when I met them I helped them to unlock their powers with Yuzu I helped her be able to see spirits fully. Meanwhile in the World of the Living Ichigo returns from the bathroom Ichigo: It turns out Taylor left before fixing the damn toilet. Meanwhile in Hueco Mundo At the Negal Ruins Taylor: If you aren't hostile why are you here? Candice: We want a truce with the Arrancar and Soul Reapers. Meninas: Exactly. Harribel: I will respect your wish and I'm sure Nel will as well. Taylor: I can guarantee she will since she and Nnoitra settled their dispute and are now dating. So she can easily look passed past incidents. Candice: Then that just leaves the Soul Reapers. Taylor: I can't speak for every Soul Reaper despite being Head Captain but as Head Captain I can say that I will not start a war with you. Meninas: BTW have you seen Bambi, Gigi and Lil? Taylor: If you mean Bambietta Basterbine, Giselle Gewelle and Liltotto Lamperd, no I haven't seen them but I have heard that Giselle and Liltotto survived their assault on Yhwach but as for Bambietta last I heard was that Giselle killed her after zombifying her. Also I have to go now since I sense my Lieutenant getting mad because I left before repairing the toilet which his husband broke into pieces when he sat on it. Taylor proceeds to open a Garganta and enters it Meanwhile in the World of the Living Ichigo: WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING HIM SO LONG! Taylor exits the Garganta Taylor: If you are talking about me blame, Tier Harribel, Emilou Apacci, Franceska Mila Rose, Cyan Sung-Sun, Candice Catnipp and Meninas McAllon since they kept asking me questions. Ichigo: JUST FIX THE TOILET BEFORE MY BLADDER BURSTS! Taylor: FINE HOLD YOUR HORSES! Taylor proceeds to go into the house to reach the bathroom To Be Continued

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 43-49

DAY FORTY-THREE

7:30 AM - Up a little early so I can close on my house. The process is pretty easy and I feel safe about it and such. We do it on the front porch with 6 foot folding table.

8:30 AM - I need to re-caulk the side door trim before I can start painting so I do that while I make my chemex. This is fun (not) because I don’t own a caulk gun. 

10:30 AM - Eat a plant yogurt

12:00 PM - Snack on chips and salsa – damn the salsa I made is so good this time. Also make salad for lunch. I’m set up in the kitchen today which is clearly a bad scene because I keep going to the pantry for more snacks. Relocate to the bedroom.

2:00 PM - I really should get my barre class out of the way today. I have a 4PM happy hour and I know I won’t want to work out after that, so I do a 10 minute low impact ride and then start class.

4:00 PM - I get done with most of the class and hop on zoom. Make refried beans in the instant pot for dinner while we chat.

5:00 PM - Finish the zoom and knock out the last 10 minutes of barre. I don’t like to split the classes up like that but oh well. 

6:00 PM - Finish making the beans as well as rice and jackfruit for burritos. K isn’t hungry so I watch an episode of The Challenge before making the burritos.

7:30 PM - Ok these are really good. Dang! I don’t want to drink tonight so I open a La Croix and try to hydrate.

DAY FORTY-THREE TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-FOUR

8:00 AM - I’m awake and I feel really good. K is still pretty conked out and I get the idea to go to Cartel. I haven’t been in a few months because cases were super high but now seems like a good opportunity. This is the one thing I do behind K’s back. It’s contactless and it’s super safe so I don’t really consider it to be a risk but I know he isn’t ready to drink things directly out of containers they’re served in on the same day you buy them so let’s just leave this between us. Buy a hot oat milk latte and tip $10. $17.57 

10:00 AM - Make a chemex so K doesn’t suspect anything. Hang with him on the couch for a bit and then start moving around the furniture in the kitchen to start taping.

11:30 AM - Take a break to cook breakfast - tofu/egg tacos with field roast sausage.

12:15 PM - Back to taping. It takes forev, but I think I did a good job.

3:45 PM - First coat done. Watch an episode of The challenge before I apply the second.

5:30 PM - Done with the second. Watch more of the challenge.

7:00 PM - Dinner tonight is pozole. I take my time making it and drink a glass of wine while I cook.

8:00 PM - Dang this is so delicious.

DAY FORTY-FOUR TOTAL: $17.57

DAY FORTY-FIVE

9:00 AM - Woah I am SO SORE. What the hell? My quads. Make a chemex and work on putting the kitchen back together, but I run out of time and have to meet with S and her BF on zoom. K joins me and it’s a really good time. 

11:15 PM - Ok back to tape removal. 

12:15 PM - Done! / Looks good! Make more tofu tacos for breakfast.

2:00 PM - My boss is applying for citizenship in the US and she asked me to help build her a website. I have totally spaced it over the past two weeks and get cracking on it today. Make some good progress and send her what I have.

4:00 PM - Watch some episodes of The Challenge. For whatever reason this feels like the first time I’ve actually relaxed this weekend and I am here for it.

6:00 PM - We drive to a bar I DJ at on the reg during non-pandemic times to do a pick up of their Valentine’s Day special. Neither K or I are big V Day fans and we feel like this is good enough to “celebrate.” We get two veggie dogs, fries and a bottle of wine to take home. J (my friend who owns the bar) runs my card for $31ish and I tip $20. K insists he pays and he venmos me $50. $1.89

7:00 PM - I haven’t had fries in like… a year. And these ones are really delicious! The wine is good too. Spend the rest of the evening catching up on my blog. I haven’t felt very motivated to work on it this month.

8:00 PM - Get a charge from Amazon… S is buying movies again. Make a venmo request for $16 and she fulfills it. $0.19

DAY FORTY-FIVE TOTAL: $2.08

DAY FORTY-SIX

8:30 AM - WOW I am still sore WTF. Make a chemex and notice my tea kettle has a rust spot. Damnit. At this point, I would rather just buy an electric kettle with a gooseneck spout to get rid of both of my kettles, but I’m trying to stick to my budget this month. I’ve been covering K’s groceries throughout the pandemic and he owes me around $2k at this point. Because of this, I’ve kind of cut back on clothing and other frivolous purchases until he starts to pay me back so I can still save money every month. But rust is rust and I don’t want to get sick. Buy a Stagg EKG kettle with a nice wood handle. $160.62

10:00 AM - plant yogurt, a clementine and Pure Barre weekly charge. $15

12:00 PM - It’s salad time but I’m kind of out of tempeh and am a little burnt out on the miso Asian vibe anyways. Toss together some greens, bell pepper, onion, carrots, snap peas, cucumber, and a frozen Quorn spicy chicken patty and top it with cashew ranch. It’s honestly really good. 

4:00 PM - Call M to wish him a happy bday. Tell him either next Sunday or the Sunday after that we will do a lunch thing together in his backyard to celebrate. Drink a nuun while we chat.

5:15 PM - I do a pure barre workout but make the mistake of doing it on my work computer at the post-workday slacks are coming in hot this AM. My body’s HR doesn’t really pick up but I still feel proud of myself for pushing thru the soreness.

7:00 PM - K and I eat big burritos for dinner with jackfruit, beans, rice, lettuce, tofutti sour cream, cheeze, and jalapenos with chips and salsa. They’re so good and I am sad that we’re out of tortilla chips and salsa now.

8:00 PM - Since dinner was kinda big and I had fries yesterday, I spend the evening hydrating instead of drinking wine. K and I watch a 4 part docuseries on Elisa Lam & the Cecil Hotel. At some point he goes off to work on some stuff and I wrap up this website I’m building for my boss who is working on getting her green card.

DAY FORTY-SIX TOTAL: $175.62

DAY FORTY-SEVEN

9:00 AM - Make a chemex. Finish the site and send it to my boss who approves. Hopefully I don’t have to actually post it for her. I hate dealing with hosting and such. 

10:00 AM - I don’t really want yogurt today and find a small portion of tofu scramble leftover from Sunday. Heat that up and top with truffle hot sauce.

12:00 PM - Kill the rest of the salad ingredients today by making the same dish as yesterday but with peas instead of red bell peppers. Review the site I made for my boss. She sends me a $100 amazon gift card! How sweet.

5:00 PM - Get sucked in a meeting and am not able to leave until 5:30. I’m not interested in exercising this late so I zone out on the couch for a bit and snack on some gf pretzels. Start a new season of The Challenge. Drink a glass of wine.

7:00 PM - Heat up leftover pozole for dinner. Eat with K while we “watch” a hockey game. 

8:30 PM - Pour another glass of wine and chat on the phone with Q. I end up feeling super antsy halfway through our conversation and decide to take a walk. I do a nice loop down to the lake and back to my house. Next time we decide that we will walk together.

10:30 PM - I check my phone after our conversation to see 100 slack messages from various team members. Looks like there is something going on which will affect the report I have to give tomorrow. Read thru, ask some questions and feel good about what I have to change.

DAY FORTY-SEVEN TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-EIGHT

8:15 AM - Up a little early today so I can adjust my report. Make a chemex while I pull numbers.

9:30 AM - Present the info. It’s good stuff! My boss is out of town so I think today should be pretty chill. Get a note from my bank that the wire of leftover funds from the mortgage stuff has been transferred to my checking totaling $1250.39. 

12:00 PM - Make broccoli fried rice for lunch. Things turn chaotic for the rest of the day and by the time I know it, it’s 4:00 PM

4:15 PM - Decide to cut out early today and take a live barre class. 20 minutes in (10 minutes before 5), I get a message from my teammate asking to hop on zoom. She has computer issues so I’m actually able to finish the class before she’s ready. 

7:00 PM - Finally done working. Rinse off and make pasta for dinner. Drink 3 glasses of wine. 

9:30 PM - K and I play Mario Kart for a while before turning in.

DAY FORTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-NINE

8:30 AM - Today has to be more chill than yesterday… It just has to be. Make a chemex. See that my hair dresser is selling shirts for her shop. Venmo her. $25

12:00 PM - Prep chicken seitan shreds. Broccoli fried rice for lunch with seltzer. 

1:30 PM - Finish making the seitan, eat an apple, gf pretzels and carrots. I realize I forgot to eat breakfast this AM. Ugh.

5:00 PM - My butt is super sore from yesterday but I do my barre workout anyways. It’s so nice to not be interrupted. My cal burn is low but I don’t even care. It’s just nice to move.

6:00 PM - Rinse off and prep dinner. We make buffalo chicken sandwiches with roasted potatoes. They turn out pretty good and I’m excited to eat them over the next few days.

8:00 PM - Drink a glass of wine. I google if I can have more since I’m getting the COVID vaccine tomorrow and it seems like one is ok but maybe not more so I decide against it.

DAY FORTY-NINE TOTAL: $25

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Non-Sequential [Ch. 16]

Pairing: Pre-Serum Steve Rogers/Steve Rogers x Reader

One night, Steve Rogers met a beautiful dame named Y/N. He hadn’t intended on letting her get away. But fate had other ideas. Y/N appeared and disappeared in his life so hauntingly that Steve started to wonder if she was an angel meant to watch over him.

Word Count: 3,100

Chapter 15

Bucky squinted as the sun beamed down on him.

It had become a routine of sorts. Y/N, not knowing anyone in Wakanda nor willing to make new friends in her current state, would usually find her way down to Bucky’s farm eventually. Some days she couldn’t bring herself to leave her room. But it felt like those were becoming less and less of a thing.

She’d ask Bucky if she could help with anything. He refused to give her any actual job. He pretty much just asked her to feed the animals, or convinced her they needed to be talked to or they’d get irritated.

Mostly Y/N just sat on a bail of hay or a blanket he’d throw on the ground for her and read while Bucky worked around the farm.

She almost never talked to him.

Bucky wished she would, but being able to keep an eye on her was good enough for him…for now.

“You ever take a break from reading?” He called out in exasperation after he threw another bail of hay off the large wagon.

She eyed him, “To do what exactly?”

Bucky’s smile faltered a little bit, knowing he was nearing dangerous territory. “Ever considered writing something of your own?”

Y/N glared at him, “You mean like a diary?”

He shrugged. “Diary, journal, notebook – whatever you want to call it, yeah.”

“No, thanks.” She shot back instantly and then somehow picked up her book again with an attitude and put an end to her portion of the discussion.

Bucky took a few steps closer to her and then put his hands on his hips. “You know, it might help a bit.”

“Sure,” she snapped back without taking her eyes off of her book.

“You’re not talking to me, kid. You’re not talking to anyone. At least talk to yourself. Get those thoughts out of your head and on paper. Maybe it’ll help you make sense of them.”

Now Y/N was fully glaring at him. “Yeah?” She mocked. “Is that what you do?”

Bucky took the challenge. “Yes, actually. It is.”

“I’m not trying to piece together my memories, Bucky. I know what happened to me. I’m not trying to remember. I’m trying to forget it.” Her voice was cold as ice when she said it.

“I’m only trying to help, Y/N.” He told her softly.

But she wasn’t finished with her anger yet. She stood up and took a few combative steps toward him until she was just a foot away from him.

“What do you want me to write? That the curse I was given almost got me killed once again? That I was tortured?” She was screaming now. “That I live every day fucking terrified of when I get thrown somewhere in time again? That – after everything that’s happened – my boyfriend left me in a foreign country to deal with it all alone?”

He was quiet.

“Is that what you want me to write, Bucky? Yes or no?” She bellowed.

“You’re not alone,” he muttered.

Her face dropped. “What?”

He looked her dead in the eyes. “I said you’re not alone.”

“Whatever,” Y/N rejected before stomping away.

But Bucky couldn’t let her leave in such a condition. She may have yelled it all at him, but it was the first time she had even somewhat opened up. It was the first time she even told anyone that she had been tortured. Obviously it was what every had already assumed. But he took it as a giant step forward, having her finally just admit it.

In a panic, he turned and gently grabbed her forearm.

Y/N ripped it away like he’d burned her and whirled around. “Don’t fucking touch me!” But her eyes weren’t wide with anger. They were wide with pure and acute fear.

Bucky quickly stepped back and raised his hands. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. That was stupid.”

Her fear was quickly replaced with embarrassment. She escaped even quicker now.

This time, Bucky had no choice but to let her.

He rubbed his face and then nearly pulled out his hair.

“Goddammit!” He hissed to himself. 


 What the hell had he been thinking, grabbing her like that?

No one understood what she was going through more than him. When he first got out of cryo and was on the run, the idea of ever letting someone touch him again made him sick to his stomach. No matter how kind someone’s face or intentions were, he no longer trusted that anyone’s touch would do anything other than harm him.

Bucky stomped into his hut and started going through his things.

“Damnit, where’d I put that thing?” He muttered to himself.

Eventually he found it in a drawer: a phone, the burner phone that Steve had given him. It was for emergencies. Through Wakandan tech, Steve would call every once in awhile. But sometimes he was in places where that wasn’t possible. But the burner phone was the exception.

Bucky flipped it open and dialed the only number in the address book.

It only rang twice before he picked up.

“Buck? Is everything OK?” His voice was instantly panicked.

“It’s not me,” Bucky said slow and quiet.

The other end went quiet.

“She’s not OK, Steve. She needs you. You hear me? So, get your ass back here and be there for her. I’m not going to tell you again.”

Then he hung up before Steve could answer.

—————

Despite her anger at Bucky, Y/N still didn’t want to be alone.

Shuri had told Y/N, with utter sincerity, that she always welcome in her lab.

So Y/N found herself making her way there, almost like a zombie of sorts.

Two of the Dora Milaje nodded at her politely as she walked through the doors. It only took a few days for all of the guards to put together that Y/N held almost 0 threat to the royal family or the general public. Soon they grew protective of her, losing all sense of suspicion and mistrust.

Shuri spotted Y/N’s entrance immediately and jumped in excitement. “Oh, great! Your timing could not be better!”

Y/N blinked in surprise and confusion.

“I’ve done quite a few tests with your blood work. However, I’ll learn a lot more once I get the readings from before and after your time-travel. But that will come eventually.”

Y/N shivered at the idea of traveling again. 

She hadn’t since returning to the present after being tortured and held captive by Hydra. The thought of ending up somewhere dangerous again was the reason she couldn’t sleep and her mind was filled with horrors.

Shuri pointed to one of her lab chairs and grabbed another for herself, silently telling Y/N to take a seat.

“We’ve clarified two things,” Shuri started in a serious and authoritative voice, “You only travel to two types of places in the past and future: places of your own life and places of Steve’s life.”

Y/N winced a bit. “Well…that’s not entirely true.”

Shuri tilted her head to the side.

“I went back in time to Bucky – I guess it was twice, depending on how you look at it.”

“Go on,” Shuri encouraged.

“I went back to WWII. Steve was technically there. But he was on a scouting mission. The date was more significant for Bucky than it was for Steve. It was Bucky that found me, not Steve. And then the other time…” Y/N suddenly realized that she would have to talk about Hydra to explain the second time she’d been brought to Bucky.

“When you last traveled,” Shuri finished for her. “You do not have to talk about it if you are not ready.” The princess offered with a kind and gentle smile.

Y/N swallowed awkwardly and realized how dry her mouth and throat had suddenly become. But she just nodded.

“While I have yet to fully analyze and diagnose your abilities, I am starting to understand what motivates where they take you.” Shuri began to explain and pulled up a hologram of a brain. But not just any brain, it was Y/N’s brain. “There are two things I believe are controlling the destinations of your travels: memory and love.”

Shuri pointed to the lit up areas of the brain. “The parts of your brain that control memory are your amygdala, hippocampus, cerebellum and prefrontal cortex. Emotions like fear and love are controlled by the limbic system, which is located in the temporal lobe. The amygdala is also part of the limbic system, which – as I just mentioned – also controls memory.”

Y/N slowly stood up from here seat and got closer to stare at the scan. “So, basically, my amygdala is the things that most controls of my ability?”

Shuri nodded, “That is the simplest way I can put it.”

Y/N crossed her arms and still stared at the scan. “I travel to Steve because I love him so much.” Her voice was barely a whisper, but Shuri was able to make out the words still.

“When it comes to your memories, you cannot think of them as linear. Your powers take memories from your past and future to effect your present. Your memories have no beginning and no end. Your powers are all-knowing. I believe, perhaps, you are in a Predestination Paradox.”

“What does that mean?” Y/N quickly interrupted.

“Well, you are unable to change the past, which would be what the time travel theorists call a Grandfather Paradox. You are simply a witness through both the past and the future, unable to change anything. Therefore, your visits have already been set in time.”

Y/N nodded, somehow following Shuri’s explanation and theories.

“The reason you started traveling to Steve, before you even met him in your present, is because your consciousness already existed in the future. And your love for each other created a chemical effect that influenced your time-traveling destinations…forever.”

The last part was the least surprising of the news. Over the years, Y/N and Steve had put together that their bond in the future had brought them together in both of their pasts. But the way Shuri explained it all made it all seem so much more formidable.

“And what if we stopped?” Y/N’s voice shook as she asked.

Shuri squinted. It was the first time she seemed confused in the conversation. “Stopped what?”

“Stopped loving one another.”

Shuri’s first reaction was to say that she couldn’t imagine a world where Steve and her didn’t love each other. But it was not her place to say such things. Y/N was looking for a scientific hypothesis, not a friend to talk her down.

“I…I do not know, Y/N.” Shuri admitted.

“Can you make it stop?” Y/N shot back. “Can you back the time traveling stop?”

Shuri bowed her head. “I am not sure yet. There is still far too much to learn before I can give you an honest answer, Y/N.”

Meanwhile, Y/N looked more disappointed than anything. But she bowed her head slightly in acceptance before fleeing the lab in a brisk walk.

—————————————

Y/N had made her way to the lake. It was the middle of the night. It would have been a little more dangerous had a guard not been assigned to her. The only time they left her alone was when she was with Bucky. Y/N had found that odd, but didn’t dare think on it too long.

She hugged one knee to her chest, as her other leg dangled over the dock and her foot drew circles in the cold water.

Then she heard footsteps coming up behind her.

They were loud in a way that made her realize the person made sure she heard them, so they wouldn’t scare her.

Bucky.

Only Bucky would do something like that.

Y/N didn’t turn around or acknowledge him. But she felt him sit down beside her. It was a little difficult for him to do, with having one arm and all. He made sure to put a few feet between them. 

“I went to the palace to talk to you. When you weren’t in your room, I thought I might find you here.”

She didn’t say anything in return.

“Y/N, I’m sorry for grabbing you the other day. I should’ve known better. I just panicked when I saw how upset I’d made you and immediately wanted to fix it.”

She stayed silent.

“You won’t talk about it. But I know what happened to you,” Bucky finally confessed. “I know because I remember. When Shuri finally got rid of my brainwashing, memories just started flooding back. And when I saw you for the first time here, it triggered everything. I saw your injuries and – I was there.”

Y/N’s eyes finally snapped to him. His ice-blue eyes were already waiting to meet her gaze. 

Her breathing became heavier.

“I’m not telling you this so I can pretend to know what you’re going through.” His look stayed so gentle and sincere. “I’m telling you because I want you to know that even if you never want to talk about what happened, you don’t have to do this by yourself. You don’t have to have to keep it a secret because you’re scared of how people will react.”

Y/N’s eyes swelled with tears that she managed to blink away.

A silence settled between them. All they could hear were the crickets and other nocturnal creatures. The waves of the lake would make a heavier sound against the pebbly beach every so often.

Finally, Y/N took in a shaky breath. Her gaze looked over the water now. “When I first saw you here–” She shook her head. “I can’t explain it, but I instantly got this odd sense of comfort. It made me realize that I wasn’t alone in what I went through. Because, even if it wasn’t really you, you were there with me.”

She looked at him. “Do you remember what you did?”

Bucky swallowed. He couldn’t find the words.

“You tried to help me,” Y/N muttered. “You protected me.”

He shook his head. “And look what a shit job I did at it.”

“That’s not true,” Y/N urged.

“If I had been stronger, I could’ve stopped it all. I could’ve kept you safe.”

“Bucky, you were brainwashed. The fact that you were even able to break through it at all and do what you had is remarkable.”

He was starting to get worked up now. “If Steve knew I was there and did nothing…”

“But you did do something!” Y/N argued.

Suddenly they were interrupted by Y/N’s guard walking to them. “I have a message from His Majesty.” Then the guard tapped the Kimoyo Beads around his wrist and a hologram of T’Challa appeared.

“Sergeant Barnes, Y/N,” he greeted politely, as if it wasn’t the middle of the night. “I must request that you both come back to the palace immediately.”

“Is something wrong?” Y/N asked quickly.

“No, but your presence is required.” Then he hung up, leaving no room for more questions or refusals.

Y/N shared a worried look with Bucky. But he didn’t seem to feel the same concern.

“Come on,” Bucky said as he carefully maneuvered himself back onto his feet. It should’ve been more awkward without a second limb. But even with one arm, Bucky was disturbingly graceful.

He held out his hand, offering to help Y/N up.

She took it without really thinking, trying to figure out what could possibly be waiting for them at the royal palace.

The walk was filled with silence.

Little did Y/N know that Bucky was pretty sure what – or rather, who – would be waiting for them with King T’Challa.

The guard led them to the landing dock without forewarning them. They just followed mindlessly.

Someone with dirty blonde and shaggy hair was talking to T’Challa, with his back to them.

Y/N squinted.

T’Challa meeting her gaze made the stranger’s back tense and stop talking.

He turned around and Y/N stopped in her tracks.

Steve looked like a different person. For the first time since Y/N knew him, he had a beard. His hair was longer than she’d ever seen it. Somehow he looked bigger, but she doubted that was a actual possibility.

While Y/N’s eyes widened in shock and – was it fear? – Steve looked like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. 

Then his eyes shifted between her and Bucky. He hadn’t expected his best friend to be at Y/N’s side when he saw her again.

Without even realizing what she was doing, Y/N took a quick and big step backward. It caused her to run into Bucky’s chest.

“It’s OK, kid.” Bucky whispered to her reassuringly.

The interaction didn’t go amiss by Steve.

Y/N was breathing heavily, convinced she was about to have a panic attack at any moment. The shock of it all was doing nothing for her sleep deprivation. Her emotions were all over the place. She was in no state to be able to handle this.

“Figured you’d be sleeping by the time I got here,” Steve finally broke the silence.

Of all the first things to say to Y/N, Steve knew that shouldn’t been it. But he lost all composure.

Y/N stared at him for a moment, still trying to process if she was starting to imagine things. It wasn’t uncommon for people with insomnia.

But then something snapped within her.

“So you were planning on leaving before I could see you,” she accused.

Steve blinked, surprised by the animosity of both her words and tone.

But before anyone else could say anything, Y/N turned on her heels and fled.

“Y/N, wait!” Bucky called after her, taking a step in her direction.

But he had learned his lesson and let her run.

T’Chall cleared his throat. “I will…let you speak amongst yourselves.” Then he looked at Steve. “I have prepared a room for you, Captain. The guard will show you to it when you are ready. Goodnight.”

Steve gave a nod in thanks, and he and Bucky watched the King leave them.

“She hates me,” Steve whispered the moment they were alone.

----------------------------

Chapter 17

So, I’ve had a shit couple of days. I also haven’t been inspired or motivated to write. I’m honestly shocked I was even able to write this chapter in a somewhat timely matter. It would make me very happy if you guys commented or just shared your thoughts and reactions. :) Thanks

[fuzzballsheltiepants]

Falling

If you haven’t read the whole All For the Game trilogy, don’t read this fic until you have (and seriously, what are you waiting for?!?!).  It’s a scene from The King’s Men from Andrew’s point of view, inspired in part by an ask Nora answered.  @catastrophicallyinlovewithbooks @wayfaringbibliophile @snaps7  I think you guys were interested in this one

“Thank you.  You were amazing.”

The words were innocent and mundane enough to not merit a second thought, despite Allison’s idiotically gleeful reaction.  It was the bleak finality in the tone, the soft good-bye in Neil’s eyes, that set Andrew’s teeth on edge.  Why now, why here?

Before he could push Neil against the wall, before he could force the answers out of him, the security guard turned and Wymack gestured for them to follow.  Andrew lined up right behind Neil, training his eyes on the back of his head.  He could get what he needed on the bus.

The rowdy crowd barely registered, until a bottle came winging over.  Andrew tracked it in his peripheral vision as it hit Aaron in the shoulder; at his brother’s curse he glared into the crowd, daring whoever threw it to try again.  More debris followed, all narrowly missing the team before the pigs appeared, yelling at the crowd and starting to muscle their way between the fans and the Foxes. Then a cooler flew over Dan and knocked down a Palmetto State fan and all hell broke loose.

The surge of bodies forced the team apart, the Binghamton and Palmetto State fans throwing wild punches and not caring who was caught in the crossfire.  Andrew was nearly swept under by several larger men, and he punched and kicked his way free, deciding against pulling his knives as he didn’t want the jail time.  Kevin, he had to find Kevin; the man could brawl on the court but was useless off of it.  Finally, he ducked under a swinging arm and saw Kevin, standing white-faced on the fringes of the fray as usual, no doubt cataloguing his teammates’ injuries.  Abby was next to him, but nobody else Andrew recognized.  He turned back to the brewing riot.

Matt’s head appeared briefly before snapping back as a punch landed on his jaw; he shook it off and ducked back in.  Andrew stood up on his toes trying to find Aaron or Neil, but neither was visible.  Landing a blow to the kidney of someone in a Bearcats shirt, he pushed his way through flailing bodies.  He heard Allison’s indignant shriek echo above the noise, and caught a glimpse of her being yanked sideways before a flash of bright hair indicated Renee lighting into the fool who grabbed her.  

Then there were sirens blaring and more lights flashing red and white, as ambulances and more pigs descended upon the scene.  Just as Andrew heard police dogs begin to bark, there was a blinding blow to the side of his head that nearly took him off his feet.  He reflexively grabbed the arm that had hit him and twisted up and back; as the torso dropped in front of him he swept out with his heel, hooking the ankles and dropping the grunting man to his knees.  A fist to the back of the neck had the man sprawling, and Andrew stepped over him, blinking against the white spots in the side of his vision.  There was a crashing of batons against shields, then the unmistakable whiff of pepper spray followed by wailing from whatever idiot got in the line of the spray.

As the cops began to get a handle on the chaos, Andrew heard his name being yelled and turned to see Nicky waving an arm over the simmering crowd.  He began elbowing his way towards him.  The density of people thinned and he heard Nicky yell, “Neil!  Hey, Coach, have you seen Neil?”  He moved faster.

The team was clustered near where the fight had started.  A cop stood on the fringe talking to Wymack.  Matt looked the worst for wear; Renee, cradling her arm against her body, wasn’t far behind him.  Kevin appeared untouched, and Dan, Nicky and Aaron weren’t too bad off.  Nicky looked like he wanted to pull Andrew into a hug but refrained.  “Andrew, where’s Neil?”

Andrew shook his head and turned to start searching but Abby blocked his path.  “Andrew, let me look at you.”

“No.”  

He pushed past her, and heard Wymack mutter, “Let him go, Abby.”  Footsteps sounded just behind him; he didn’t turn to see who it was.  The crowd had thinned out drastically but there were still enough people to block one smallish man from easy view.  Andrew turned to see if at least it was one of the taller people who had followed; it was Kevin.  

“Do you see him?” Andrew asked.

Kevin paused from craning to see over the people around them to shake his head.  They wove through the parking lot surrounding the stadium in a loose serpentine like hunting dogs but the only flash of red hair Andrew saw belonged to a young girl.  Kevin let out a strangled noise and lunged forward; there was a brief surge of something in Andrew’s chest that promptly died when he spotted the racquet Kevin had picked up.  Fucking Kevin.  Fucking Exy.  But it was Neil’s racquet, of course it was Neil’s.  The stupid-ass orange and white heavy racquet that only Kevin and Neil would care so goddamn much about.

He’s gone.

Andrew gritted his teeth against that voice in his head.  They walked another hundred yards before a flash of orange caught his eye, in the hands of some assholes who were decidedly not entitled to it.  He caught them up, Kevin hanging back like the coward he was, and just the flash of one of the knives in his bands had them dropping the bag and running off.

He’s gone.

Kevin came over and knelt next to him as he unzipped the bag.  Just Neil’s sweaty uniform and shoes and pads in the main compartment.  Andrew looked at the net pocket at the end; there was a flash of silver and the slight jingle of metal.  Neil’s phone and his keys.

Andrew pulled the keys out first.  He found himself tracing the edge of the key to the house in Columbia as he always saw Neil do and forced himself to stop. The phone, the phone had something, had to have something.

He flipped it open and checked the texts, all from the team except one, the most recent one, from an unknown number.  It just read “0”.  Nothing else, just the number.  He scrolled further but there was no other oddity.  The call log only contained his number, Wymack’s from the end of December, and then one from tonight from a 443 area code, an incoming call of 67 seconds and a call out that didn’t connect.  He pressed “send” and it went straight to a mailbox that was not set up.  Shit.

He’s gone.

“We should get back,” Kevin said.  Andrew gave him the finger and stood up, hefting the bag over his shoulder and turning to continue his circuit.  By the time they rounded the far end of the stadium and headed back around the long way, the lot was emptying out and there was no sign of Neil, no flash of red other than the Coke signs on the food stands.  They finished their lap, spotting the PSU bus but still no Neil.  There was relief on Wymack’s and Abby’s faces when they reappeared; it disappeared when Andrew slung the bag onto the pavement.

“You didn’t find him?”

Andrew gave Wymack a flat look in response.  Kevin shook his head.  “I think he must’ve run,” he says, glancing at Andrew.

“But why?” Abby asked.  “Why would he do that after all this time?”

Kevin looked like he was going to say something, like he knew something, but he stopped and shook his head again instead.  “I don’t know.”

“Bullshit,” Andrew said, and Kevin took a step back as Andrew turned to him.  Yes, Kevin definitely knew something; Andrew could read it in every line of his body, in the flat panic in his eyes.  “He wouldn’t have run without these.”  He held up the keys he’d found in the duffel.  Without his keys he couldn’t get into the dorm; without getting into the dorm he couldn’t get his binder with what was left of his money.  

Andrew pocketed the keys and the phone and turned back, noting as he did so that Matt and Renee were missing as well.  Sent to the hospital, no doubt, but that didn’t matter.  He made another circuit of the stadium and this time nobody followed him.  Still no sign of him, and Andrew could feel it then, feel the fire burning in his veins, the fire that his damn medication had damped for so long.  

If we don’t find him I will burn this place to the ground.

This time when he made it back around Abby wasn’t taking no for an answer.  When he waved her off, she promised him that Wymack would get security to open up the stadium for them to search.  She did a concussion test and felt gently along his cheekbone and he forced himself to stay still, to not flinch, to not give her any reason to take him from here.  The light she shone in his eye was too bright and he blinked back against it.

“Andrew,” she said in her stupidly calm medical professional voice, “I need to take you to the hospital.”

“No.”  He started to walk away and she reached for him, stopping at the look he leveled at her.  

“You have some bleeding in your eye.  You could have detached your retina.  We need to get it checked out, if it’s not treated you could lose vision.”

“Fuck off, Abby.”  He ignored Nicky’s indignant reaction and turned to Wymack.  “I let her examine me, now get me into the stadium.”

Wymack threw his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it.  “Damnit, Andrew, you need to listen to her.  If Neil’s somehow in the stadium, he’s okay.”  Andrew started walking towards the gate; as he approached he spotted a rent-a-cop standing near it.  

The man shrugged when Andrew told him he’d left something behind, and let him in without protest.  He checked the stands first, running the steps as if he hadn’t just played the damn sport, as if it wasn’t past eleven at night.  There was nothing, no sign of Neil, and the fire in his veins flared higher.  He went below, to the visitors’ locker room but it was empty, even the trash cans had been dumped.  The showers were still damp but there was no other evidence they had ever been there.  He paused on his way back out, picturing Neil’s stricken face, hearing again the farewell in his words.  

Damn you, Neil.

When he emerged, Wymack was waiting for him.  “Andrew, you have to go with Abby and get checked out.  I’ll stay here in case he comes back.”

“Call the police.”

“I already talked to the campus police.  He’s an adult, Andrew.  They won’t do anything, not yet.”

“Call the police.”

Cursing, Wymack pulled out his cell phone and dialed. 9-1-1.  Andrew listened as Wymack explained the situation, about one of his players going missing in the riot that had just taken place at Binghamton.  Listened as Wymack described him: 5’3”, 135 pounds, red hair, blue eyes, tattooed number four on his left cheekbone.  Distilled to his barest essentials, missing all that made him Neil.

Andrew turned away from that useless thought as Wymack hit End on his phone and walked over to Abby.  “You can take me now.”  

The hospital was crowded with the fools who had been caught in the riot, and an hour passed before he was taken to a bed that sat in a hallway.  They didn’t even bother with curtains around it, the nurse took his vitals and a few minutes later the harried doctor came by with some fancy equipment.  Andrew didn’t speak to any of them as they dilated his eye and looked carefully at the internal structures, just hopped off the bed and walked away when they reported no damage to the retina and discharged him with some sort of drops to put in every four hours.

Abby took the bottle from him before he could drop it in the trash can, and they met up with Renee in the waiting room.  Andrew grabbed her chin and studied her black eye for a second. Despite the splint on her wrist she seemed acceptably okay, and she nodded to him with her slow smile when he released her face.  Then they had to wait around for Matt.

Andrew was ready to call a cab to get back to the stadium by the time Matt was discharged, even though he knew Wymack or Kevin or Nicky would’ve texted him if there had been any sign of Neil.  When the bus pulled back into the lot of course it was just as they had left it, a parking lot full of trash and the rest of the team.

He’s gone.

Andrew followed Abby off the bus and listened to her give Wymack a status update on the three of them.  Dan and Allison went onto the bus to check on Matt and Renee; Nicky and Kevin sidled closer to Andrew.  Aaron was sitting on a bench a little ways off and he was just staring at Andrew.  He wanted to go over and make him stop but it wasn’t worth it.  

Instead he started walking again, then jogging, lapping the stadium again, and there was still no sign of him, still nothing but the burning hollowness growing in his gut.  He wanted to start dismantling the stadium, tearing it apart bolt by bolt with his bare hands until they found some sign, some answer.  He pulled the phone out of his pocket and looked again at the “0”, looked again at the number he already knew by heart.  Who was this?  Who dared to call his Neil?  Who were they who were they who were they -

“Andrew.”  It was Wymack again, and this time he handed him a cigarette.  It had been hours since he’d had one and he took a long drag, letting the nicotine settle in just a little bit.

“We need to think about heading back,” Wymack said, carefully not looking at him.  

“No.”  It was Dan who spoke for him, who spared him the necessity of putting a knife in Wymack’s gut.  “Not until we know more, Coach.  We can sleep on the bus or something, but we can’t leave yet.”

Nicky and Matt nodded in agreement, and Wymack and Abby exchanged long looks.  In the end, everybody but Andrew filed onto the bus to sleep.  He stretched out on the bench Aaron had vacated, using Neil’s duffel as a pillow.  Not that he could sleep, when every time he closed his eyes he could hear a door clicking shut, the groan of a mattress as weight settled on it.  Not when eyes open or shut he could feel himself falling, falling, even as the ridges of the bench dug into his back.

Hours passed, and he didn’t know how long he had been shivering in the damp chill before dawn when he heard the bus doors open and Wymack emerged, phone held to his ear.  

“Yes, this is David Wymack,” he was saying as his feet hit the pavement.  “What?  Who- oh!  He’s where?”  His hand came up to cover his eyes and Andrew sat up and blinked to clear his eyes.  He could see a faint tremor in that hand in the bright lights of the parking lot, and suddenly he was at Wymack’s elbow without being aware he had moved.  “How the hell- okay, okay, I understand.  Yes.  Yes.  Damnit, I said yes.  We’ll be there as soon as we can, text me the address.”  He pulled the phone away from his ear and swore softly at the blank screen that stared back at him.

“Where is he.”

There was exhaustion and grief in every line of Wymack’s face when he turned to Andrew.  “Get on the bus, Andrew.”

“Where is he.”  The wind was whistling past his ears as he fell.  he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone

“Just get on the bus.”

Wymack turned and climbed the stairs and Andrew followed, so close he was almost stepping on him.  Abby was awake, and nodded at whatever Wymack muttered in her ear, but everybody else was passed out on the seats.  Everyone but Kevin.  Kevin, who could sleep anywhere.  Kevin, who was impossible to wake up, but who was looking at them now with eyes like burned-out holes.  Andrew went down the bus to sit behind him.

Abby got behind the wheel and the engine turned over with a throaty rumble.  The bus’s vibrations startled Dan and Renee into wakefulness, and at a gesture from Wymack they woke the rest of the team.  As Abby pulled out onto the stadium street, Wymack cleared his throat.

“I just got a call from the FBI,” Wymack said.  The team looked at each other in surprise and confusion - all but Kevin.  Andrew noticed the way he curled into himself.  “Neil has been found.  He’s in Baltimore.”

“Is he alive?” Kevin asked hoarsely.

“Jesus, Kevin,” Nicky said, startled.

“Really, Kevin, that’s…” Abby trailed off.

“Is he?” Andrew demanded, as Wymack hadn’t answered yet.

“Yes.”  Wymack rubbed the back of his neck.  “He’s alive, but he’s been badly injured.”  He raised his voice to be heard over the resulting exclamations.  “No, I don’t know how badly, I just know he was admitted to the hospital.  I don’t know what happened, or how he ended up there, just that he was taken in a raid on his father’s house.  They’re asking us to come down there so they can ask us some questions.”  

The bus was a cacophony of sounds, of voices, of questions and shouts and the creaking of vinyl seats.  Yet it went silent when Andrew turned to Kevin and said, “You know.”  Kevin’s green eyes were wide with fear and something else as he looked up at Andrew, but he didn’t reply beyond a quick shake of his head.  “You know something, and you’re going to tell me, right now.”

Kevin looked down, too cowardly to hold Andrew’s gaze.  With a quick lunge, Andrew got his right hand around his throat and shoved him up against the window.  “Tell me, now.”  There were more yells and the stomping of feet but when Kevin didn’t even try to answer, Andrew just squeezed, increasing pressure until Kevin was choking, until his face was purple and he was opening his mouth soundlessly, his hands slapping ineffectually against Andrew’s armbands.  He held on until an arm wrapped around Andrew’s own neck and more hands were yanking on him, twisting his left arm back and around, until slender fingers dug into the pressure points on his wrist and his hand went numb.  He was pulled back against a large body, and another was crowding him, shoving him by sheer force of mass up the aisle.

Kevin was gasping and coughing, Nicky and Dan were crowding around him, Abby yelling something from the front.  Wymack was still holding him, Matt still pushing him back, ready to fight even with the bruises and torn skin on his hands.  Renee was watching with her unfathomable eyes, and he knew she would stop him again, would do whatever she had to, would turn the blades she had given him against him if necessary.  Andrew didn’t give a shit about any of this, all he cared about was getting the truth, finally the truth.

It took a long time, too long, before Dan and Wymack would get out of his face; before they would stop yelling enough to hear him.  “He knows,” Andrew kept saying, and he couldn’t understand why they didn’t seem to see the urgency.  “He knows something about Neil, and he hasn’t told us, and now Neil is in some hospital because of it.”

Finally they stopped, and Kevin started.  Andrew watched him the whole time, watched every word leave his lips as he talked about Neil who was really Nathaniel, whose father was a hit man - the hit man - for the main branch of the Moriyamas.  Nathaniel, who had been sold to Tetsuji, who should have been like the useless Jean or Kevin or dead.  Nathaniel, whose mother had taken him and fled, who had never told him what they were running from, who had taught him to lie and hide and do whatever he could to survive but nothing about how to live.

And then the story was over and the sky was lightening and they were driving through New Jersey, and there was nothing to do but wait.  Years in juvie had taught him all about waiting, about finding that quiet place where the buzzing disappears.  Yet he kept finding himself playing with Neil’s phone, with his keys, with these pieces of him that might have been truth or might have been lies.  He should have known better, should have known when Neil asked him to let him go… but he had asked, and Andrew had agreed, and he didn’t know what scraps of him they were going to find when they got to Baltimore.  So he watched the bland scenery and fought back against the fall, against the dawning realization that Neil had done what he always had said he would on the roof; he had dragged Andrew with him, I am falling -  

The FBI had put them up in some cheap-ass motel with a pool that it was too cold to use.  They were herded into one room with double beds and not enough space, and there was some prick in a suit who kept fingering his gun and trying to act like he was tough.  

“What hospital is he at?” Andrew asked Wymack, who looked at him blankly.  “What hospital?” he asked the prick in the suit.

“It doesn’t matter,” was the answer, and Andrew debated pulling one of his knives.

“It matters,” said Wymack, staring down at the man.  

Another man and a woman showed up then, asking questions but refusing to answer any.  They hadn’t taken into account who they were dealing with, evidently, and when they refused to disclose Neil’s location they were met with stony silence from the Foxes.  Even Nicky kept his mouth shut by some miracle.  

Andrew had had enough, it didn’t matter what they said or what they brought for food or the fact that he knew nothing about Baltimore and had no clue where they were.  He found a map in the motel’s information book and began studying it, marking where they were and the three closest hospitals.  If they wouldn’t bring him to Neil, he’d go there himself.

An agent blocked the door when they saw where he was going.  He gave her a bored look that she met with an impressive one of her own.  “Coach, control your players,” drawled the big man who had been there first.  

“Andrew,” Wymack said, “you don’t want to make this more difficult for Neil.”

“We don’t even know for sure that they have Neil,” Andrew retorted.  “We’re going by their word.”

“Oh, we have Nathaniel,” the female agent said.  “But we don’t need to prove anything to you.  We need you to give us your statements, and then we’ll be on our way and you can go back to Palmetto State.”

Andrew tapped his lip twice, then pointed at her.  “Fuck that.  I’ll give you my statement after I see Neil.”

There was a chorus of agreement from the rest of them, and the female agent rolled her eyes and left.  Andrew tried to follow her - almost managed to - but the fat agent blocked him and pulled out his handcuffs.

“Coach, if you can’t control him I’m going to have to take him into custody.”

Wymack bristled, but he turned to Andrew, defeat written across his face.  “Just…just cuff him to me, I’ll keep track of him.”

The click of the handcuffs was familiar, as was the boredom of the confinement.  The others all found stuff to keep them occupied, the television or a book or just pacing up and down.  Andrew sat cross-legged on the bed and waited, counting breaths until everything around faded, but he couldn’t stop that sense of falling.

Just as Abby had broken out her kit to work on Allison and Renee and Matt, the female agent returned some time later looking irritated.  She handed her phone to Wymack, who glanced at Andrew then turned away as much as the cuff would allow while he pressed the phone to his ear.  “No, of course not.  Why would we?”  There was a long pause and Andrew could hear angry buzzing through the phone.  “Sure.  Sure.  Okay, I’ll move it.”  He handed the phone back to the agent and turned to Andrew.  “Get up.”

“What?  No.”  

Wymack ignored him and stood up.  Everyone’s eyes turned to him. “They’re going to bring Neil by when he’s discharged from the hospital,” he said.  “I need to go move the bus, they won’t come here until I do.”

“Why not?” Matt asked.

“Press,” guessed Allison, and Wymack nodded.  He looked at Andrew, a patient question in his eyes, and Andrew unfolded himself and got to his feet.  He scanned the parking lot when they reached it, memorizing the cars, the nondescript black and gray and blue sedans and SUVs that dotted the lot.  There were men dotting the lounging area in catalog-ready polo shirts and khakis, all obviously feds; same with the women who were settling onto lounges around the pool despite the temperature barely reaching the 60s.  Andrew wondered if anyone actually fell for this bullshit.

Wymack opened up the bus but waited for Andrew to be ready before he climbed up.  Andrew had to stand and brace himself while they moved to a lot behind an office building about half a mile away, the cuff not allowing him to reach a seat.  As soon as the ignition was off he was moving, Wymack cursing behind him and finally using his weight to plant Andrew long enough to secure the bus.

The walk back earned them more than a couple of looks, though Wymack tried to look casual about the fact that he was handcuffed to Andrew.  The difference in their heights made it impossible for Andrew’s hand to dangle naturally but he didn’t care.  Wymack accepted the silence until they reached the parking lot and there was a new SUV there.  “Andrew,” he warned, bracing himself against Andrew’s lunge forward.  “Be careful.  These are federal agents, and I have no idea what happened, why Neil is in their custody.”  Andrew ignored him, plowing ahead up the stairs.  “Andrew, they are giving us a gift -”

The sound Wymack’s body made as he hit the side of the motel would have been satisfying in another situation.  It was the understanding in his eyes that was unforgivable.  But Andrew didn’t have time to deal with that, so he let it go and pushed into the door, shoving the fed out of the way.  

Neil was there, he was saying “don’t,” but he was crumpling and his voice was cracked with pain and Andrew had to reach him.  Wymack helped whether he meant to or not and then Andrew was touching Neil, had his hand on his neck, was pushing him down before he fell down.  He knelt in front of Neil, and as his knees dug into the dingy carpet, his fingers still on Neil’s skin, he stopped.  The falling - stopped.  Neil was here, he was alive, he was broken in ways Andrew didn’t want to consider - but he was here.  He was the net that stopped the fall and Andrew knew then that he was done, he was lost and found all in this one moment when those blue eyes lifted to his.

[duggardata]

What Do We Know About The “Special Friends” Phase?  (Part 1)

Also, all the data we’ve got about pre–marital relationship length—from Pre–Courtship (“Special Friends”) to Courtship, to Engagement, to the Altar.

Recently, I got this Ask from an Anon—

Lucky you, Anon, because you get a two–part answer.  In Part 1, I’ll share all the data I have about Duggar and Bates couples’ pre–courtships.  After that, in Part 2, I’ll analyze that data, and try to tell y’all when to expect the next suitor.

Part 1... After the jump.

As the Anon points out, the Duggars and Bates seem to ‘court,’ in a way, before the official courtship.  Kelly Jo famously called this being “special friends.”  (She seems to have coined the term in 2013, after Alyssa became interested in John Webster.) The Duggars don’t use the term ‘special friends,’ but they too refer to a “friendship phase,” which apparently involves “fellowship,” “get[ting] to know one another,” and simply “talking.” 

Wanting to ‘get to know’ this bizarre concept of “special friends,” I scoured The Internet for information on the Duggar and Bates couples’ early relationships...  

Couples w/ No Concrete Pre–Courtship Date—

Josiah + Lauren

Zach + Whitney

Alyssa + John

Tori + Bobby (?)

First, the bad news... I couldn’t find any solid data on any of the above couples’ pre–courtship or “special friends” phase.  Often, I was able to find a vague time period—e.g., Fall 2012—but nothing specific.  Here’s what I did find...

Josiah + Lauren   |   ???

We don’t know when Josiah and Lauren met.  We don’t know when they started courting.  We don’t even know, for sure, when Josiah proposed.  So... yeah.  It’s no surprise that their pre–courtship is a mystery.

Personally, I suspect that they started talking when Josiah reactivated his IG in August 2017, but I have no concrete evidence of this—just a hunch.

Zach + Whitney   |   ???

Literally all I could find about Zach + Whitney’s early relationship was this post, on the Bates’ old blog.  Here’s a screenshot of the relevant part—

So, Zach ‘courtposed’ on July 1, 2013, after meeting Whit at Sonic in 2012.  As for whether they had a “special friends” phase before that, I sadly have no idea.

Alyssa + John   |   by  March 24, 2013

On Bringing Up Bates’s Season 7 premier (“The 4 Cs: Carat, Clarity, Carlin, and Courtship,” at 5:10), Alyssa says Gil + Kelly “wouldn’t even let [her] talk to John until she was 18.”  (Note—That would’ve been November 9, 2012.)  Kelly scoffs at this, suggesting it’s not really true, but I also wasn’t able to disprove Alyssa’s version of events...

John met Alyssa via his brother, Jordan, who apparently met the Bates during a mission to Romania in November 2011.  In this clip (at ~0:54), Alyssa states that John called her father, Gil, to ask “if he could start talking to [her] and getting to know [her]”—but she doesn’t say when this happened.  Basically, after lots and lots of searching, all I know for sure is that Alyssa + John were “special friends” by March 24, 2013, when the Bates posted about going on a “date” with them and Erin + Chad.

Tori + Bobby   |    by  Valentine’s Day 2016

So... Before this, I’d heard that Tori + Bobby began ‘dating’ on Valentine’s Day 2016.  Supposedly, he asked her to be his girlfriend after the Bateses’ “I Love You Day” party.  But when I tried to verify this, I couldn’t.  I thought it has been shown on Bringing Up Bates, but the 2016 I Love You Day episode (“A LOVEly Day”) doesn’t show it.  So I really don’t know.

Bringing Up Bates introduces Bobby in “A LOVEly Day” as Tori’s boyfriend—so we know they were together by Valentine’s 2016.  I just don’t feel like I can put down 2–14–16 as their definitive “special friendship” start date, without a good source to cite to.  (Do any of you guys have a source for this?  Help!)

Couples w/ A Known Pre–Courtship Date— 

Jill + Derick

Jinger + Jeremy 

Michaela + Brandon

Carlin + Evan

Now, for the good news... We’ve got precise data, meaning a specific, verified date, for each of the above couple’s pre–courtships.  Let’s check it out—

Jill + Derick   |   August 17, 2013

Jill + Derick first ‘met’ in March 2013, when Jill happened to walk into the room while Jim Bob was on the phone with Derick.  (Remember, Derick and Jim Bob were prayer partners during Derick’s mission to Nepal.)  Apparently, they didn’t speak again until August 2013, when JB encouraged Derick to contact Jill, and get to know her better.  Jill tells the story on the Dillard Family Website—

So, I guess it was “love at first Skype.”  Based on comments like this, I feel like Jill + Derick’s relationship began with that first Skype call.  Luckily, we’ve got a solid date for that from Jill’s Instagram—

Long story short, Jill + Derick started pre–courting on August 17, 2013.

Jinger + Jeremy   |   December 11, 2015   

Like Jill + Derick’s, JinJer’s pre–courtship date comes straight from the horse’s mouth.  On JingerAndJeremy.com, Jeremy writes—

Since asking Jeremy formally asked JB’s permission to “get to know Jinger” on December 11, 2015, I consider that as their pre–courtship start date.

Michaela + Brandon   |   November 29, 2013

Again, I’m going to cite to the couple’s personal website:  Under “Our Story” on BrandonAndMichaela.com, Michaela wrote—

So, we know that on November 29, 2013, after Brandon asked Gil’s permission to “get to know [Michaela] better,” Gil + Kelly spoke to Michaela, and gave their blessing.  This is similar to what happened with Jinger + Jeremy, so I consider it the start of the Keilens’ “special friends” phase.

Carlin + Evan   |   September 17, 2016

No surprise that Carlin, the perpetual Instagrammer, shared some pre–courtship details on her favorite social media platform—  (Here’s the post.)

...and Evan posted about their ‘one year,’ as well—

This one’s pretty clear.  Carlvan have been “special friends” since September 17, 2016.

Couples w/ An Estimated Pre–Courtship Date—

Josh + Anna

Jessa + Ben

Joseph + Kendra

Joy + Austin

Erin + Chad

Josie + Kelton

For these couples, the exact date isn’t known, but there’s enough data to guess a specific date—i.e., September 8, 2017, rather than “Fall 2017.”  My reasoning follows—

Josh + Anna   |   c.  June 15, 2007

Thanks to @keepingupwithfundies​, I found this record of Josh + Anna’s “Love Story,” from their old website.  While it’s a very long, rambling story, but here’s the gist of it—

They met at the Big Sandy ATI Conference in 2006.  I tried, but couldn’t verify the 2006 conference dates; however, I’m fairly confident (~90%) it was May 2–5, 2006:  Until 2009, the event always started on a Tuesday, and ended on the first Friday in May.  (Click here for past dates!)

A “few weeks later,” the Kellers visited the Duggars in Arkansas.  The day they left, Josh told Jim Bob that he felt Anna was ‘the One’ for him.

Skip ahead to Big Sandy 2007 (May 1–4, 2007).  After seeing the Duggar Family again there, Anna felt God was guiding towards Josh.

“A few weeks later,” Anna’s father asked Anna (for the first time) if “God had been speaking to [her] about” the man she might marry.  When Anna  admitted interest in Josh, Mr. Keller said “Joshua was the one for [Anna],” and told her to “pray for [Josh] and his family every day.”

“About a week later,” the Kellers had “special company,” as Anna put it. Josh came on his own (?) to Florida, spent time with the Kellers, and told Anna’s parents how he planned to provide for Anna.

Finally, in January 2017, after yet another visit to Florida, Josh sought Mr. Keller’s permission to court Anna, which was granted.

So, looking at this, I’d say Josh + Anna began pre–courting when Anna told her father of her interest in Josh, got his blessing, and was told “pray for [Josh] and his family.”  That was “a few weeks” after Big Sandy 2007, which ran from May 1–4, 2007.  That puts us in early June 2007, but let’s just say June 15, 2007—a nice, round data, that also adds in a bit of time for Josh’s first visit.

Jessa + Ben   |   c.  May 12, 2015

My sleuthing turned up several versions of the ‘How Jessa Met Ben’ story—one by Jessa, one by Ben, and one by Michelle Duggar.  Michelle’s version differs in significant ways from the other two—notably, by claiming that “Jim Bob was the initiator,” who set Jessa + Ben up.  So, let’s just look at Jessa and Ben’s stories; after all, it’s their relationship.

In this Seewald Family Blog post, Jessa states—

She first met Ben at church on a Sunday.  They had a brief conversation about her new iPhone.  He was 17 Years old at the time.

“Three weeks later,” the Seewalds again visited the Duggars’ church.  At the end of mass, the Duggars invited the Seewalds to “have supper with [them].”

“After that,” Ben visited the Duggars “just about once a month.”  Jessa + Ben talked during his visits, and “text[ed] a lot” between visits.

In a different Seewald Family Blog post, Ben adds a few details—

On the day he first met Jessa, the Duggars invited the Seewalds “to a conference just a few days later.”

The Seewalds end up attending the conference; while there, Ben sought Jim Bob out, introduced himself, and asked for J.B.’s phone number.

After this, Ben begins visiting the Duggars “every month and a half.”

Ben also says:  “I talked to [Jim Bob] about getting [Jessa’s] number not long afterwards and we began to text.”  It’s not entirely clear what event Ben is referencing when he says “not long afterwards.”  (Damnit, Ben!) 

Combining Jessa + Ben’s accounts, it seems that their “special friends” phase began after the Seewalds and Duggars had supper:  That’s when Ben’s regular visits began, and when Benessa started texting.  Per Jessa, the fateful supper occurred “three weeks” after she first met Ben.  She also said he was 17 then, so we know this was before May 19, 2013 (Ben’s 18th Birthday).

Now, what about this conference Ben talks about?  I think it was Big Sandy, as Ben talks about the entire Duggar clan being there with an RV.  Big Sandy 2013 ran from April 22—April 26, 2013.  If the Duggars invited the Seewalds to come “just a few days” before as Ben said, that means Jessa + Ben’s met on April 21, 2013.  Jessa says the fateful supper was 3 Weeks later, so that’s May 12, 2013.  That’s the date I use as their pre–courtship start date.

Joseph + Kendra   |   c.  September 8, 2017

JoKen revealed their courtship to PEOPLE on March 8, 2017, just one day after Joe ‘courtposed.’  Accompanying the PEOPLE exclusive was a TLC video, shot the day of the ‘courtposal.’  In that video, Joe said—

“We have been talking for about six months, and ... right when we started talking we really hit it off really well.”  

Later, on Counting On (“A New Courtship”), Joe repeated this fact.  Just before he ‘courtposed,” he told producers—

“I’ve known Kendra for about five years now and we met at [the Caldwells’] church.  We’ve been talking for close to six months.  I guess we would call it more of a friendship stage.”

Clearly, JoKen got to know each other for ~6 Months.  While Joe never gave us the specific date, we can easily estimate it by subtracting 180 Days (~6 Months) from March 7, 2017—i.e., the date they officially started courting.  When we do, we get a ‘ballpark’ pre–courtship date of September 8, 2016.  (Note—Probably a coincidence, but... They got married September 8, 2017.  Just saying.)

Joy + Austin   |   March 2, 2016

On Joy + Austin’s “At–A–Glance” post, I speculated that JoyStin started ‘getting to know’ each other in Spring 2016.  My evidence for this comes from Counting On (“A New Baby”), when Austin asks Jim Bob’s permission to marry to Joy.  In the scene, which you can watch here, J.B. mentions giving Austin permission to get to know Joy about a year prior.

(Side Note—If anyone’s savvy with public records and figures out when Austin’s fifth ‘flip’ was listed, that would be super helpful, since we know he asked J.B.’s permission to marry Joy right before listing that house!)

Since I don’t have the property records, let’s just estimate this by subtracting 1 Year (365 Days) from Austin’s proposal date (3–2–17).  That gives us a “special friends” phase start date of March 2, 2016.  Admittedly, it’s a rougher estimate than what we have from some other couples... But it’ll work!

ETA—Initially, I had the Forsyths in the “no concrete data” category.  I moved them over here because I realized that what we have for them is basically the exact same as what we have for JoyStin.  I think it’s fair to put them over here.

Erin + Chad   |   c.  April 30, 2011

Erin + Chad met at the 2011 Institute in Basic Life Principles’s (IBLP) Valentine’s Day Banquet, which was held on February 11, 2011.  (The Paines describe how they met in this video, but don’t specifically say it was an IBLP event.  However, it’s clear that it was the IBLP Banquet, based on this post, in which the Bateses say that’s where they met the Paines.)

According to Chad (in this clip, at ~1:35), he saw Erin again “later on that year,” at “a conference ... in Texas.”  When I heard that, I immediately suspected that that event was, in fact, the 2011 ATI Conference in Big Sandy, TX—a suspicion that the Bateses’ blog quickly confirmed.  Per Chad, he got to know Erin better at Big Sandy and, “from then on, we kinda pursued a relationship.”

Sounds like a pre–courtship to me!  In 2011, the Big Sandy ATI Conference ran from April 26–29, so—taking Chad at this word—the Paines have been ‘special friends’ since April 30, 2011.

Josie + Kelton   |   c.  October 31, 2016

In the latest Bringing Up Bates (“Another Beautiful Season of Blessings”), Josie + Kelton finally gave us a hint about when they got together.  When asking Gil + Kelly for permission to court, Josie and Kelton say (at ~32:05) that they’ve been “talking” for “about a year” (Kelton) and “over a year” (Josie)—after a time spent apart, slowing things down, at Gil’s request.  (If you count that time, they say it’s been “about three years” of special friendship.  I don’t think it makes any sense to count the period spent ‘broken up,’ though, so I’ll only count the 1sh Year.)

For me, when Josie + Kelton said it’s been “about a year” and “over a year,” the Bateses’ October 2016 trip to Florida immediately came to mind.  (You know... That’s the trip where Bobby + Tori started courting!  It’s featured in the Bringing Up Bates episode “I Donut Know What I’d Do Without You.”)  Josie came along on that trip; it would make perfect sense if that’s when she and Kelton rekindled their relationship.  So, let’s go with that... It was a Fall Break trip; Crown College had Fall Break 2016 from October 27–31, 2016.)  Based on that, I feel confident enough to guess that Josie + Kelton started pre–courting (again) c. October 31, 2016.  

Wow, that was a long post.  In Part 2, we’ll try to make sense of all this data!

[leofemt]

nothing good’s ever come out of utah

"This is your base of operations?" Crowley says incredulously. "This place is a shithole."

"Wow, you're right." Sam says sarcastically. "We should have bought out the penthouse just for you, Crowley."

"It does have a bigger bed, Moose," Crowley says, voice laced with innuendo, waggling his eyebrows at Sam. Sam scoffs and looks away.

mooseley w/ side destiel, fbi/criminal informant au, 1.5k words.

on ao3.

"Dean?" Sam says, looking over his shoulder at his brother, who is laid out over the bed. "It's ten AM, don't you think it's time to-"

"Jesus, Sammy." Dean mutters. "Let a man sleep in once, please."

Sam makes a huffing noise and returns to his laptop, keys clacking.

"Do we have anything new on this case dispatch gave us?" Dean asks after a moment, pushing the pillow off his head. "Seems pretty specific. Crazy like this doesn't just strike once."

Sam shrugs.

"I mean, yeah," he says, "there's a precedent in this town- they found a body the other day of a man, mid 30's, offed in the bedroom of his house in the suburbs the same way our vic was." Sam grimaces. "Looks like he didn't have any relatives, so they didn't find him until the neighbors called in about the newspapers piling up on his doorstep, and they found him, a week old at least."

Dean wrinkles his nose.

"Exact same MO?" He asks. "Like, socks in the mouth, noose tied up to the headboard, hands taped to the sides-"

"Feet tied crossed together, throat slit? Yeah." Sam finishes. "Think it's a serial?"

Dean groans.

"Guess we'll find out," he says, rolling over on the bed, on the cheap, scratchy motel sheets, digging around on the bedside table for his phone. He flips it open, and hits the third number on his speed dial.

Sam raises his eyebrows.

"Cas?" Dean says.

Sam lowers his brow again.

"Busy?" Dean says. "Yeah, Bobby over at dispatch tipped us off to a weird homicide in Utah, turns out it might be a serial. Hear any Fed chatter about one who likes to put his vics in a noose and tie 'em to the headboard?"

A pause.

"Mmm." Another pause. "Yeah. Really? Okay, see you."

He snaps his phone shut.

"Cas says they'll be here tonight," Dean says, shaking his head. "Damn Fed resources. Is that where my federal tax money's going?"

Sam snorts a laugh.

"Anyways, keep digging," Dean mutters, hefting himself off the bed. "I'm gonna-"

"Get some fresh air, yeah." Sam says, waving him off.

"Actually, I need to set up another meeting." Dean grunts, pulling his jacket on, popping his phone open again and hitting the fourth number on his speed dial.

"With who?" Sam frowns, typing pausing for a minute.

Dean rolls his eyes, raises his hand for pause, balances the phone in the crook of his neck and shoulder to rifle in his pockets, presumably, for his wallet.

"Crowley?" He says, and Sam tenses, exhales a dispirited groan. "Yeah, save it, I need some info. Any chance you're in the Salt Lake City suburbs area?"

~~~~~~

"God damnit." Sam mutters, shoving his hands in his pockets. "And we're working with Crowley... why, again?"

"He's my CI, Sam." Dean says. "Buck up. He's a lowlife douchebag, but any major crime happens between the coasts, he'll know about it."

"Yeah, don't underestimate the power of a drug kingpin," Sam says under his breath.

"Aw, you're gonna hurt my feelings, Moose, you great lout," a voice comes from behind them, and both brothers jump.

Dean scowls.

"Jesus, Crowley." He hisses. "How many times have I told you."

Crowley, looking fascinatingly authoritarian for a man a head shorter than Sam with thinning hair and a Scottish accent, smirks at them with his hands in his pockets.

"Hello, boys." He says.

"Shut up, Crowley." Sam replies, almost on instinct, forcing his expression into something unbothered as the man turns his full gaze onto him.

"Must you always be so cruel?" Crowley says, that tilt of his lips never disappearing, shifting back to Dean in a moment. "Is there a reason you and the great lump have asked me here, when I could be enjoying a good steak with a fantastic vintage in a private jet, instead of standing in bloody Utah-"

"Have you heard anything about a serial in the area?" Dean interrupts, with his usual amount of sympathy for Crowley's constant plights.

Crowley rolls his eyes.

"There's a dozen serials in the Southwest at any given time, darling." He says. "Because no one wants to live in the fucking Southwest. It's boring. No wonder people go nuts down here."

Sam snorts. Crowley glares at him.

"Okay, but a specific serial." Dean presses, pulling a manila folder out of his jacket, pushing it at Crowley. Crowley takes it and flips through the photos. His eyebrows crawl up his forehead.

Sam eyes him.

"Now you've caught my interest, Dean." Crowley says, closing the folder again, handing it back, replacing his hands in his pockets. "Alright. I'm in."

Sam blinks.

"Wait." He says. "In?"

"In on the case." Crowley grins, and for a moment, Sam is reminded of some cocky, predatory animal. "This serial happens to have offed a very good lieutenant of mine in Alabama, so I'm inclined to hold a grudge."

Dean considers him.

"Fine." He says. "Fine, you're in on the case, if the drug underworld can spare you for a week."

"What!" Sam almost shouts, whirling on his brother. "Dean, he's-"

"A criminal, a bastard, blah, blah, blah." Crowley waves a hand. "Yes, I know, can we move on."

Sam grumbles.

"He has information, Sam." Dean mutters. "You, me, Cas and Crowley? This serial's pissed off a lot of people, apparently."

"Wait, did I hear that correctly?" Crowley says, cocking his head for emphasis, raising a hand to cup his ear. "The angelic Boy-Scout-turned-FBI-Agent's in on this mess too?"

Dean shrugs.

"Apparently this guy caused some trouble on the East coast a couple years ago." He says. "The Feds want him, my bosses want him, the Devil drug cartel wants him-"

"This guy's as good as locked up." Crowley smiles, clapping his hands together. "Now, shall we? I assume you have a base of operations?"

~~~~~~

"This is your base of operations?" Crowley says incredulously. "This place is a shithole."

"Wow, you're right." Sam says sarcastically. "We should have bought out the penthouse just for you, Crowley."

"It does have a bigger bed, Moose," Crowley says, voice laced with innuendo, waggling his eyebrows at Sam. Sam scoffs and looks away.

"Should I leave the room? Give you two some privacy?" Dean says, already digging through a box of papers looking for the notes he had taken the other day interviewing some of the family members of the original victims. "Or can we actually get some work done?"

"You're just jealous because your Mr. Right's still in the air," Crowley says, and Dean chucks a roll of tape at him. He dodges without even pulling his hands out of his pockets.

"Jesus." Sam groans. "Can I shoot him."

"He's been here ten minutes," Dean mutters distractedly. "I hate him too, but don't shoot my CI."

"I'm hurt, Moose." Crowley places a hand over where his heart would be if it weren't replaced by a black hole of sex, drink, and other types of hedonism. "Thought you and I had a real connection, after Detroit."

"If you keep bringing up Detroit, I will smash your head in like a pumpkin, no matter what my brother says," Sam threatens.

"Love it when you get all tough." Crowley smirks, narrows his eyes suggestively.

Dean pushes the open laptop towards the middle of the desk.

"Put your junk away for two minutes, guys." He says. "Cas sent the case files from the other possible serial killings over secure email."

"Bet their sexting is more intimate," Crowley mutters.

"Shut up, Crowley." Sam growls, even as they both lean simultaneously over the laptop.

~~~~~~

It takes hours of digging through possible killings by this guy, who Crowley has un-affectionately dubbed the Hanging Man, to sort through them into a computerized pile of those that could be attributed to him and those that seem like more of a reach than not. From this, Sam begins to string together a timeline- it's hard going, because the killings are months, if not years apart, for a possible career spanning more than 10 years with a total of 14 killings.

"Alright." Dean leans back in his chair, scrubs his palms over his eyes. "I gotta go pick the FBI up from the airport, I'll be back in a couple hours." He points at Crowley, then Sam. "Behave."

"I'm not a bloody dog," Crowley calls after him.

"Shut up, Crowley." Sam mutters.

"Up yours, Moose," Crowley replies, and Sam throws a peanut at him. Crowley kicks him under the table.

"Jesus." Sam hisses, grabbing his calf. "What are you, five?"

"Older and more experienced than you," Crowley snarks, flicking a rude hand symbol in Sam's general direction, typing with the other. "You know, with Mr. Tall, Blue-Eyed and Socially Awkward in the room with your brother, we'll be the odd ones out, right?"

"You don't have to tell me," Sam mutters. "Cas once let slip about the 'deeper bond' he and Dean share."

"Christ." Crowley says. "Think they've done the deed yet?"

Sam makes a face.

"Do you take pleasure in making the people around you seriously uncomfortable?" He grimaces, eyes trained on his work.

"Only if it's you, poppet," Crowley croons, "because you respond so nicely-"

"One of these days, I'm actually going to kill you." Sam mutters.

Notes abt this au: cas is an fbi agent who was assigned to one of the cases sam and dean were investigating, ended up working with dean to uncover corruption within the bureau's ranks, was slated for a promotion but wanted to remain an investigator so they made hannah his boss- his partner is balthazar.

Crowley is the kingpin of the largest drug-running ring in the states. He's a douchebag but has a fondness for winchesters, especially when they're granting him situational immunity, especially when sam twists his hips a little like so when walking... ;0

Sam and dean are government-funded cross-state detective liasons, like private investigators, who investigate weird crimes and shit. They caught their parent's murderer a while ago, but stuck in the business. Bobby is their dispatch handler.

[the-lesbian-aesthetic]

What makes a good person

all my friends are broken bones and broken spirits

they are not ghosts

they just have a few

they are not bad people

they're just bad ghosts

you see they're too good at staying alive

i like to think they're cut out for it

i like to tell them that i love them

i do not like to say it so

i say it like this i say “hey text me whenever you get home tonight”

“hey i heard it was flooding in Austin i just wanted to make sure you're ok”

“hey i know you haven't talked to us in a while because you've been feeling real down just let me know when you're ready to talk”

“hey i know you're sleeping because you were studying for that stupid exam i just wanted you to know that you probably did great and even if you didn't its ok”

because my friends are not their grades

because my friends are not statistics

my friends are not numbers

my friends are fallen rain drops

you see they wanted to be clouds but they're not very good at moving on

i tell them thats ok

i tell them sometimes you gotta sit in the storm

you see my friends are fallen raindrops they sit on my windshield

i never wipe them off i love to look at them too much

and i might just crash this car in doing so but at least i will be with them

my friends are fallen rain drops they sit on my tongue i swallow them whole

and i know that sounds bad but listen

i used to think i was a cactus that didn't need

water

or friends

or love

but damnit im thirsty and my friends are fallen raindrops

i like to think theyre cut out for it

i like to tell them that i love them

i do not like to say it so i say it like this

“friends loving you is practice for loving myself and i want you to know that i practice a lot”

you see my friends are tree trunks they have the thickest skin

i get depressed when they try to prove me wrong

when they try to test their limits they cut open and say

“Lino look how sap leaks out of us maybe were not as thick as we seem

maybe you shouldn't speak so highly of such fragile things”

i say “Friends i will always speak so highly of such fragile things so much so that butterflies get stuck between my teeth”

because my friends are mountain tops

i do not look at them with Pompeii eyes

no

i look at them with Everest heart

that is to say i do not look at them as tragedies but as everlasting in my heart of hearts

because sometimes my friends feel ghostly

and sometimes they're sitting in the storm

sap leaking out of them

lava spilling from their lips when they ask me what makes a person good

i tell them “They are 75% water 25% bone a little bit of flesh here and there 0% the terrible things that have happened to them 100% loved”

i tell them they are 100% loved

- Lino Anunciacion

[omissilem]

from 2007.

gonna try to write something actually suitable to submit.

open my eyes at the start of a day

another chance to find my way

i made plans but Gods was already laid

ill just do my best forget the rest

its just gonna be okay

just another day in the page of life

the story in the book that we help to write

as we chose here on earth

as in heaven build up your worth

just as diamonds born from the coal

don't let our weak parts confuse the soul

our sins and our virtues are simply parts of the whole

we are living born of spirit and soil

flesh livened by divine breath invisible

from Man and God originally indivisible

the only thing between now and the original state

was original sin that caused woman to contemplate

the dragon gave eve curiosity to sate

and ate they did and heaped death on their plate

the angels thought became just like them

so had us thrown beyond eden's gate

a day to God is a thousand years to man

therefore our whole lives are an instant

less than enough time to worry about a thing

this too soon shall pass

the pain of the moment isn't real

neither is the past

its only a part of what you were

now you are not

so let all your troubles be forgot

same as worry about the future to come

count ten down from one

will you worry about that number until you get to it

ten nine eight seven

its like worrying about heaven

six five four three

why doubt about if youre worthy

two and inhale...

one.

fun as soon as one had come its already past

the only evidence of the moment is the word typecast

thats how the days go they don't ever last

even upon revisiting, you only glimpse at a figure representing the moment,

not at the actual thing, so you never owned it

so stop living in things that no longer or won't exist

they are just figment of your imagination

try now to resist

time is a lie and vision is a trick

what you saw no longer exists

these letters aren't even real they aren't even written

these lines, this prose, composed and appearing now

on softened pixellated array of lights sending images

to your sight

this message, its letters that spell it

they aren't even solid, they are only digits

ones and zeros that make up the code

hypertext markup and algorithmic prose

boil down to 1 and 0

not and is not lined up to define what the computer will show

typed out in cadence by my nimble fingers to oppose

damnit it turned into another spoken word never spoken just a token of incoherent blunder

the last lines are inspired by a thought that i recorded an old entry i wrote around 2007...

"I am the will before the day before the thing that fueled the run that fused the thoughts, that exploded into words onto this imaginary tablet. This very work of writing is the image of all that is. The letters are energy, invisible, formless, yet define the idea which is even less tangible. All made visible to the eye through an encasing of plastic and metal, wherein the letters never come into contact. They just are seen through the physical case, but never, ever, physically connected.. Everything is one. Everything is a parallel of everything. You can find truth right under your intoxicating nose."

[foreverrhapsody]

Holby City S01E09

“Staying Alive (Part 2)”

Ooh, this ep has a “Previously On” segment to start things off. Obviously things kicked off last time around. Aw, they found her pretty quickly. :( what is she doing on the heart ward. Oooh, one of these actresses was in this episode, and was in the ep where Zosia found out about Isaac’s abuse. dang. (I didn’t recognize her tho so) “they could definitely do with more security cameras” lmao i’d say so so are we just going to forget that victoria was on amphetamines or

UGH MEYER IT’S URGENT. stop presenting to stodgy stodgers and get on this. So begins the wonderful practice of Holby Staff operating on their own. lol. “You moved.” LOL. Meyer is a dick, but he’s a funny one. UGH if this brings jasmine and ramen hair back together i’m going to scream Ken Farrington sounds the same as well. looks the same too. Aw, thumbs up means it’s going well, right? aw, geez, they’re all happy that she’s going to be all right. i have a bad feeling about this. OH NO. did tom king have a heart attack while seeing a stripper, and this is his wife? OH SHIT. oh good, they didn’t forget about the amphetamines lmao, he’s trying to hide it from his wife. soz, she’s not buying it. OOOOOOH SHIT. julie is a lapdancer at the club he’s been going to. SHIIIIT. ew this cab driver is listening to the most godawful country music. like, it’s bad. i hope they don’t shame Julie for lapdancing. :( “how do we get out of here without telling the staff we’ve got no case to speak of?” oh nooooo. hopefully there’s a break? or maybe one of those guys will go after them instead, oooo ahahaha Meyer complaining about the music, I knew he would. oh noooo, i knew this would happen, that she would take a turn for the worse. “suction, please” drink every time someone says that “Excellent timing, please buy yourself some decent music.” HA aw, secret ward daddy dr. meyer. “The uterus feels bulky.” PREGNANT. I KNEW IT. okay, they’re treating the lap dancing career pretty well. i approve so far. y’all, why don’t doctors know to use protection (i mean unless the condom broke or the birth control failed or whatevs else might have happened) ugh chav friend is awful, but at least he gave up his friend’s names oh geez, it’s going to end in tragedy, oh wait.... okay she’s good for now Hm, that discussion between julie and the wife was interesting ahahha i knew it, meyer was the handsome doctor or wait i think he was, hold on, i need confirmation damnit, not yet why is it called wyvern wing. what does that come from.

and there we go, one season down, 18 more to go. what did i get myself into. anyway, surprisingly enough, it’s still very recognizable as Holby City, although it does feel like Casualty 2.0 at this juncture (and i’m comparing it to what i know of Casualty now, not what it was then, i’m just conjecturing)

anyway, let’s see what the next season brings!

Number of Characters I Recognize: 0 (this is not counting characters that I know from previous episodes of early Holby City, it only includes characters from episodes of current Holby City and Casualty that I’ve seen before.) Number of Actors I Recognize: 4 (Tess Stephenson, Phyllis Logan, Kenneth Farrington (OH HI TOM KING), and Michael French.) Best Scenes: everyone worrying about Jasmine, Ward Father Dr. Meyer,