#...its 4:30 pm. i aint gonna be able to sleep for a while yet bc i gotta shower n clean off my phone.
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#diary#personal#so i got home and i gotta give my bunny a snack n take care of him and i wanna eat my muffin (apricot and coconut#(its yummy btw super good)) but apperently im much more overstimulated than i think bc when i get in i can feel it.#but after a few mins as im putting my stuff away i just start bawling. so like. as im washing my hands and giving him food and meds#im just sobbing with tears running down my face. snot just everywhere.#and like i force myself to stop and eat the muffin and i just periodically whip the snot off so i dont eat that.#and i stop crying. or force myself to so i can eat#but like. i have to do that thing where you hold in your breath n shit.#AND WHATS HILARIOUS IS THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF#like id never in a million years do this infront of my parents.#and i do this little thing to calm myself down by rubbing hard on my body. bc otherwise id probably hit myself.#self harm#and just. its hilarious bc i look like a mess. im aware i do. and i am.#and why am i a mess? no clue! well. i do have a clue. im probably tired from work and getting home and overstimulated n shit.#but like. its so sudden and something i control usually. but bc im home alone for a bit i dont bother.#and its so funny bc im just sobbing and doing stuff bc i gotta. man. imagine being a fly on a wall for that shit.#idk. ill probably cry more in the shower. or i wont bc i forced myself to stop amd the flow is interupted.#either way i feel like shit. im definitely hugely overstimulated and wanna cry n i wanma crawl in bed and go to sleep.#...its 4:30 pm. i aint gonna be able to sleep for a while yet bc i gotta shower n clean off my phone.#idk. im tired man. but theres nothing i can do#this is why i get high or drunk while working. this is what i end up feeling like when i return home. utter fucking shit.#guess ill take a shower in the dark. bc i feel like i could scream if the light is on.#its not even a bad day. this is just what im like usually... even in highschool i just suppressed *vaguely gestures* this#...im so tired of this shit. i wish i could come home and feel okay. but i feel like crap. and idk why.#i feel like its my fault. bc everyone else is normal but im just here. falling apart if i work 2 days a week for only 5 hours.#i... hate this. i wish i was normal. i wish i could do shit without feeling like shit or i wanna die.#haha. its funny bc now that i took my earbuds out im surpressing myself from crying bc i hate hearing it.#rly its too bad i cant shower with earbuds#bc its too loud. i just wanna die.
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