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nehts · 2 years

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So fucking normal tonight. I'm realising that I could absolutely fool my beloved wife into seeing the Voryn ball post again because I sent her discord messages about another post entirely - so she has reason to check her tumblr DMs .

I won't. but the temptation is killing me right now

#Alternatively. I have POWER. I have her username/password for tumblr and although I love and treasure her + her friendship far too much-#-to EVER betray her trust in any way at all. to the point that thinking of doing this in a non-joking manner makes me want. die #BUT .#I do have her username and password for tumblr. and Azura give me the strength to continue on with the knowledge that I could .#I could do terrible things . awful things #1. Icon and header changes. to the weirdest things in history #2. Making a post on her blog about . so many different things .#SO much...... I'll never do it simply because. again. Her friendship and trust means more to me than ... anything else in this life.#Even if it's a joke. It's still trust that she willingly gave and just. knowing. that she trusts me enough to.#Have told me. have given me different things. etc etc. it's enough to make me feel a lot of emotion #All of it. I just... the sentiment alone. The overwhelming... love and safety that we share. it's too much to even joke about this with her #But. in a hypothetical situation where . I don't know. some weird universe that I did not feel all of this #It would be funny to imagine these things. etc etc. but .#Actually... legitimately without jokingly thinking about it makes me ill because of the betrayal of trust that it represents.#Is that too serious for the subject matter? maybe. But I just can't see it as a thing to. think about. in any manner more substantial than.#'Ha Ha What If ?' way...... thinking about how much trust she's shown me is making me feel things. goodbye.........#The fact that she's shared SO much with me........ throughout it all knowing so much about me. at times knowing me better than myself #Yet. trusting me all the same. it's ... so much. I talk about aspd/npd shit with her a lot and yet she does not see me as a monster but .#Somebody to love and trust and share good memories with. to spend time with. someone worthy of her time at all #AGH . I'm stopping typing this was meant to be a joke post but now I miss my wife . I miss my wife so fucking much #I miss my WIFE........ MY BELOVED WIFE.......... MY BEAUTIFUL MOST BELOVED WIFE 💔 gone forever...#A treasured wife that is forever lost - never to be seen again as she has gone off to war and will never be returning ...#<- She's sleeping and will be back in less than 8 hours . anyway #A wife that I loved so much yet is never to be in my life again… The memories that we shared cherished forever yet remaining mere memories…#It's less than 8 hours . despite how dramatic I'm being I'm fine genuinely. I just forget what I used to do with my time before her.#):

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