#-to EVER betray her trust in any way at all. to the point that thinking of doing this in a non-joking manner makes me want. die

[gay-dorito-dust]

How’d they react to you cuddling into his side randomly one day and then falling asleep…

Dan Heng/Imbibitor Lunae: stiff as a fucking bored and holding his breath as if that was going to wake you up.

He acts as though every little sound has been amplified to the max and will constantly shift his eyes towards you, almost as though he were expecting any sort of signs of disturbance within your once peaceful slumber.

It was so bad he has to look away from you to hide his burning face because he figured out that he might actually begin to enjoy this, enjoy the idea of you actively choosing him to sleep against. God his heart was going apeshit at the dies that you’d might like his company enough to be in a state of vulnerability with him.

His dragon noddle self (Imbibitor Lunae) is fucking delirious with the idea of his ‘mate’ sleeping against him. So much so that if his tail were visible now, it’d be wagging at a hundred miles an hour to the point it’s just a blur.

He secretly hates how it betrays his innermost thoughts to anyone nearby.

Blade: thinks there’s something genuinely wrong with you if you were willing to fall asleep next to him of all people.

Yet in the same breath he acts as your personal guard dog as you slept, keeping people from coming too close for comfort and or making loud, obnoxious noise with just a smile glare thrown their way.

He gets called soft but he honestly doesn’t give a flying fuck.

He acts like he wants to shove you away from him but the moment someone suggests moving you upon seeing how much he apparently ‘hates’ it, and all of a sudden Blade is holding you further again him and telling the person to fuck off under his breath.

He’s so hypocritical but no one dares say that to his face, especially not when he’s holding you against him protectively and glaring at anyone or anything that breathed or moved wrong. Yet when you’re awake, he’ll act like he did no such thing and go about his day like normal.

Argenti: takes this as an opportunity to gaze upon your beauty up close.

In his opinion you didn’t need beauty sleep because you were already as radiant as a freshly blossomed flower, but if you say you need it then who was he -your chivalrous knight- to argue against it.

Some people may think it’s weird that he’s looking at you so intently as you slept but Argenti always had a response at the ready, for he’d tell them that they’ve just never witnessed a beauty in it’s most natural form, to the point that it makes you utterly breathless and unable to look away.

He traces your every feature with his eyes and finds himself adding more onto the list of reasons of why he finds you so appealing, and in more ways than one.

Eye bags? Beautiful.

Stretch marks? Stunning.

Acne/acne scaring? Heavens have blessed you with your own set of unique constellations within your skin.

Argenti is addicted to looking at you while you are awake and it’s no different when you’re asleep either. He just loves that you trusted him enough to witness you like this and he’ll never take advantage of that. Ever.

Welt Yang: he takes care of you as you sleep soundly against his side.

He makes sure you are comfortable and undisturbed as you slept against his side, for seeing you look so at peace and free from all of your daily stresses only proved to warm his already soft heart.

He makes sure march 7th isn’t nearby, as much as he cares for that bubble gum pink haired girl like she was his own child, she was notoriously well known for her easily excitable nature; which wasn’t something you’d need when catching up on much needed sleep.

He’s already draping a blanket over you as we speak and shifting your position to a more comfortable one so that you wouldn’t wake up with a crick in your neck and irritability.

He’ll probably either carry you to bed or join you in your nap by lying himself down on the couch and pulling you up to his chest and holding you there.

It’s such a cute moment and march has photo proof that it happened. Multiple of them.

However papa Welt has a few questions in regard to your sleeping schedule if you were easily able to sleep against his side without issue. He loves you dearly but please for the love of god take better care of yourself or he fucking will.

This is a threat but then again you’d probably wouldn’t mind it if Welt took care of you….honestly same.

[awearywritersworld]

the man who embraced wickedness and the woman he used to know

sukuna x reader summary: sukuna is reunited with the only person who ever showed him kindness w/c: 1.25k tags/warnings: heian era!sukuna. angst to fluff. fem!reader. me trying my best to channel an 1800s romance novelist a/n: part 2 to the boy spurned as evil and the girl of his youth. i am once again asking that people check out the artwork by @demonzaemon that inspired these two fics. they also made some artwork inspired by part one, which makes me scream and cry and yell bc it's so wonderful. masterlist

it isn't until nearly two decades after your last encounter that sukuna finally musters the courage to return to the riverside. as he listens to the rush of the water, he hates the way it makes him feel— like the scared, powerless boy he once was.

he won't get too close. instead he stands at the edge of the forest, as if he can hide from his past among the trees.

he decides he must be dreaming when he spots a woman approaching the river, because even though he can see little more than her silhouette, he has no doubt that it's you.

he'd know you anywhere, in this life and the next.

he has no idea how long he stands watching you before he finally gathers the nerve to take a step in your direction.

you look over your shoulder and meet his eye once he's only a few yards away.

the expression that crosses your features is not unlike the one you wore when you first saw him— an earnest sort of wonder.

"it's you," you state as if you've been waiting on him to appear.

"you... remember me?"

"how could i forget?"

you approach him without fear or apprehension, and having you so close after all this time makes his heart race uncomfortably in his chest.

"are you well?" he questions, his eyes trailing down your body before flicking back up to yours. "you look it."

a smile tugs at the corner of your mouth, your gaze falling to the ground bashfully. you rock on the heels of your feet before answering.

"i am well enough... and what of you?"

he's not sure that he's being entirely truthful when he replies, "i can say the same, i suppose."

"it pleases me to hear that you have not been suffering all this time. i must admit, i find that my thoughts still wander to you with remarkable frequency."

you laugh lightly at your own confession, fearing he may regard you as strange for it. on the other hand, he's thinking about how the sound of your laughter is the most beautiful thing he's heard since... well, since he last heard it.

"it is not rare for you to occupy the space of my own mind," he returns honestly.

you grab one of his hands, turning his palm up and running your thumb over the faint scar you find there. he hates the way it makes your face fall.

"i am sorry about that night, for what my father did to you. it was my fault for falling asleep—"

"don't," he stops you. "the fault lies only with me. i shouldn't have let him steal you away. i shouldn't have been so utterly weak—"

it's your turn to interrupt him and you press the pads of your fingers to his mouth to keep him from saying anything more.

"that is the farthest thing from the truth. you didn't deserve that. you deserved not one bit of the cruelty the village mercilessly showed you. you were only a boy, sukuna."

when your fingers fall from his lips, he doesn't try to speak. he doesn't trust that his voice won't betray him.

he can't remember the last time he heard his name spoken so familiarly, so warmly. it makes his throat feel tight.

the silence gives you an opportunity to take in the ways in which he's changed over the years.

his kimono and haori are pristine, a far cry from the rags he used to wear.

his frame is more than double the size of your own, and you know he's no longer living on scraps.

he stands tall, his posture straight and self assured, not that of someone who is feeble and frightened.

but you're not referring to any of those things when you point out, "you're different now."

and of course you're right, he just doesn't know how to tell you that the boy you used to spend your days with is gone. that the blood on his hands is no longer his own. that the person standing before you is nothing more than the monster the villagers always claimed him to be.

so he just nods in agreement and your eyes sparkle as you regard him with curiosity.

"i loved you, you know," you tell him sincerely.

your confession is painful to hear, because it reminds him of everything he lost that night.

"i could love you now, too." you reach up and caress his cheek, trying desperately to read the expression he's wearing. "if you'll let me."

for a moment, you think he might agree to your offer, but your hope is short lived.

"this... this was a mistake."

he turns to leave, intending to retreat to the shadows of the forest, but a small hand wraps around his wrist.

"no." your tone is forceful.

if only you knew what happens to most people who dare speak that word in his presence.

he doesn't say anything, so you add, "the only mistake you've made is waiting so long to come back to me."

he's surprised upon seeing the frustrated tears that well up in your eyes.

"we are but strangers to one another." his reminder stings and it shows plainly on your face. "and that is for the best, i assure you. you don't want to know me— to know the things i've done."

"i care not what you've done!" your voice is so loud, it sends a flock of birds fleeing from a nearby tree. "i care not what horrors loneliness may have driven you toward, because when we belonged to one another you were good. you were kind. you were—"

"stop." each of your words is like a knife in his chest, and his voice cracks from the ache of it.

"i will not! if your only intention was to reject me, why come here at all?"

"i don't know—"

"precisely! you want me, just as i want you. my devotion is yours, sukuna! there is no reason for you to reject that which i willingly give—"

"enough!" he barks at you, grabbing you roughly by the shoulders. you don't shy away from him, even in spite of the way his fingers dig into your flesh and his nose flares angrily.

"you believe that because you showed me a sliver of kindness when we were children that i should throw myself at your feet? your devotion means nothing to me! it does little more than inspire my disgust!"

the words taste like poison on his tongue, but he needs you to believe them.

he needs to believe them himself.

he pushes you away, and while it's not harshly enough to send your body flying to the grass, it does make you stumble backwards.

ire burns in your eyes and he thinks he's succeeded in his endeavor, but once he turns to leave, you're grabbing his wrist again and launching yourself against him.

your hands find his face and you pull his lips to yours despairingly. your bodies move together as if you've spent a lifetime in one another's arms.

then, he's pulling away from you. he's calling you a pathetic fool. he's looking at you with animosity.

but just as quickly, his lips find yours again and he grabs at the fabric of your kimono in an attempt to bring your body closer to his own.

you swear his hands tremble as they find a home on the curve of your hips.

once your lips part, he holds your gaze for what feels like an eternity.

resignation seems to dance across his features, but there's something else there too. desire? hope? longing?

you really can't say for certain.

"i am yours, and you are mine."

you're not sure if it's a question or a statement, so you offer him a slight nod of your head. "today and always."

[lessbienlesbian]

mizu x fem!reader

NSFW headcanons/drabble

this is my first time writing anything like this so uhh i hope y’all enjoy this filth. also, lmk if you want more writing about mizu. if you are not looking to see this type of content, please keep scrolling <3

it would take a significant amount of time and effort to form a close enough relationship with her for her to even consider having sex with you, as sex is representative of vulnerability, intimacy, and trust to her.

she would not be into having a one night stand or any other low commitment sexual encounters. her own libido and other worldly pleasures are not at all a priority to her, so it wouldn’t be worth jeopardizing the successful completion of her goal.

ok i don’t know if this is a controversial opinion but i think mizu is the biggest switch that ever switched.

when she is on top she loves to pin your arms above your head or to your sides as she trails kisses down your entire body.

she is such a tease, even when she doesn’t intend to be.

her persona completely shifts during intimate moments: her hardened exterior melts away, she becomes more communicative and playful, and when you’re pleasuring her she is just a complete mess for you.

she is very sensitive and it does not take much for her to come undone.

she is a bit possessive and protective over you but less in a toxic jealousy way and more in a “i can’t have another person betray me” way. she would try not to let that become super evident to you, but you kinda caught on just based on the amount of times she would whisper “mine” into your ear before absolutely ravishing you.

her boobs are super tender after she unbinds them so you have to be very gentle when touching them. this is definitely the only reason that you have to be gentle with them and its not also because one time you accidentally made her cum just from playing with her sensitive nipples ;)

ok i feel like i see everyone saying this but like i have to agree bc pussydrunk mizu? yeah. it just feels right.

she is a very loving partner

she loves to eat you out and not so secretly also loves for you to hold onto her hair while she does so

her face gets very flushed during sex and if you point that out to her she will 100% get even redder.

her first time topping:

even though she doesn’t know what she’s doing the first time she fucks you, she somehow goes straight for the clit, but she doesn’t collect any wetness from your soaking entrance. this increases the friction on your already throbbing nub so you cum super fast, but she just keeps going because she’s enjoying watching you so much. you get hella overstimulated and are a whimpering mess in her arms by the time she’s finished with you. if you ask her to stop she does immediately, but if you don’t, she just keeps going. delighted to have reduced you to a quivering mess on her first try, she looks at you with a shit-eating grin and adoration in her eyes before capturing your lips in another kiss. when she’s finished, she definitely asks “was that ok?” very earnestly and you’re like wtf mizu i just died and came back to life like yes that was definitely more than ok.

she is very vocal during sex, there’s lots of whimpers, groans, praises, and then also just straight up moaning. i also think that she would become more loose lipped during and after sex so she’d probably tell you that she loved you more frequently than usual.

“shit, please don’t stop”

“look at you, dripping for me already”

“your pussy is making such sloppy noises, is that all for me?”

she would absolutely be into praising you, especially in that low almost growly tone that she adopts at times.

“that’s it, just like that.”

“you’re doing so well for me.”

“fuck, you’re so pretty like this.”

“god, you make me feel so good”

she’s very cautious about location bc she doesn’t want to be found out

fingering because look at her hands hands hands hands she has very skilled hands very strong very careful fingers

i don’t think she would be into extremely rough/punishing sex. that’s not to say that she wouldn’t bring a certain intensity and exuberance to the table, but if she’s fucking you she actually likes you, and if she actually likes you then the worst she will do is give you the cold shoulder, playfully spar with you but not hard enough to intentionally injure you, make the occasional clueless insensitive comment, or tease you relentlessly. the rest of her life is made up almost entirely of violence so i think she wouldn’t want to bring that into her sex life as well. i do think that she would take her frustration out on you in other ways though.

oh hey speaking of taking her frustration out on you…overstimulation! after a particularly aggravating day she would turn her focus entirely onto you to get her mind off of things, just making you feel so good over and over almost until it’s too much. the two of you are very communicative during sex though so she is constantly checking in and asking if you’re ok.

sometimes she is so frustrated by her quest (or some bullshit that taigen or akemi just pulled) that she will take you to the nearest private place to fuck with a desperation and eagerness that doesn’t allow for either of you to get fully undressed.

she’d definitely be the type to push you against a wall and eat you out until you can barely stand

she’s a very quick learner and makes up for her inexperience with her energy and enthusiasm

[elliespeach]

play nice | ellie williams

˗ˏˋ"i'm not incompetent, despite what you may think." ´ˎ˗

pairing: ellie x afab reader synopsis: ellie and you hated one another more than anything and you had successfully avoided each other for nearly two years before being forced to patrol together. the day you two endured happened to be a lot more than just patrol and despite hating your guts, ellie is determined to keep you safe. warnings: lowkey mean!ellie, scary men, ellie n reader defend themselves w guns (animal death), lots of swearing, being chased, being stranded in remote location wordcount: 6k+ author note: guysssss i love the fuck out of this trope i hope i did it justice, got a bit carried away w the wordcount but i like it that way cus i dont think this will be a series!

the early morning of the jackson crowd woke you yet again, groggy and hungover you squirmed out of bed. you were supposed to be off today, taking the day to rest and recover from last night but maria had other plans for you. she had asked if you could pick up a patrol shift, a route no one likes taking, for a guy no one really likes anyway. you said yeah because you owe maria a favor, hating yourself for allowing your one day off to be tarnished. 

grumpy, you threw on your usual patrol outfit. a heavy jacket, a sweater underneath, jeans and a trusty pair of boots. the clock read only thirty minutes before you were to be posted and figured you would stop on the way to grab breakfast. 

you gave sleepy hellos to your neighbors as you passed. a lot of them shoveling their sidewalks from the snow that blanketed the earth the night before, they would be doing it all day and suddenly you were that upset about patrol duty. it beats shoveling snow. 

entering the restaurant the smell of bacon and eggs filled your nose, making your stomach lurch in your body. the hangover really settling in, you almost opted to not get food. but you saw maria at the end of the counter, leaning over and chatting with the line cook. 

“mornin’ maria,” you plastered on the best smile you could muster at the moment. “who am i with today? i didn’t check the schedule.” 

maria’s face faltered, “so that’s why you said yes,” you looked at her confused. “you can’t back out on me now.” 

“maria, what’re you talking about?” you questioned, but with the expression on her face, you came to a realization that your day was about to get a whole lot worse. “i’m not going if she is.” 

she sighed your name, “you girls were friendly once, you can’t play nice for one day?” 

“ellie can’t play nice.” you stated as a fact. and it was. 

ellie and you had a complicated history, arriving in jackson only a few days after she did, you two had become an inseparable pair. what wasn’t obvious to everyone else at the time was that you both had feelings for one another despite being young teenagers. 

one day, in her garage, ellie and you had been listening to music together while she drew in her sketchbook. you had been watching her the whole time, admiring how talented she was. at this point in time, you knew she liked you as much as you did her–or at least you thought you did. when you tried to kiss her that day, she freaked out on you and pushed you off her bed in a hurry. 

you had felt betrayed by the only person in jackson you truly trusted with anything. you never spoke of it again, in fact you never really spoke to her again about anything. you two became distant, avoiding each other at all costs because when you were in close proximity you’d fight like cats and dogs. you couldn’t hold in your snide remarks and neither could she, but when she spoke her mind it was always more cruel than you could ever imagine. 

you hated ellie williams and now you are expected to be on a full-day patrol with her. you couldn’t even begin to imagine the kind of day you were about to have, regretting any and all decisions that led to this moment. 

“so you play nice. i won’t ask you to work with her again after today, promise.” maria begged and you rolled your eyes accepting her offer. 

you said your goodbyes and maria handed you two sandwiches to go, hoping that a sandwich will fix the multiple years of hatred burning inside of ellie for you. knowing it wouldn’t work but not wanting to waste food, you obliged by taking the food and going on your way. 

your walk was slow to the stables, wanting to prolong the long day ahead of you. when you reached your destination you saw ellie at the end of the barn. she was patting her horse, shimmer, and readying her for the trip. “fuck,” you whispered to yourself before making your way over. 

as you approached her, ellie went stiff and turned her back. not you.

“maria got us these sandwiches,” you said plainly, holding out one of them to her. her eyes were dull, along with her expression and it made your blood boil. “well?” you asked, already impatient with her. 

“ate already.” ellie responded quickly before grabbing the reins on shimmer and leading her out of the barn.

you silently mouthed, “wow.” to yourself before packing the food in your backpack for later. taking your horse from his pen, you lead him in the same direction as ellie. you came upon the gate and mounted your horse before pulling beside ellie, stealing a quick look at her. 

ellie darted her eyes away from you quickly as she saw your head turn towards her, feeling a hatred burning in her chest and she thought she saw you roll your eyes in her peripheral vision. you’d never admit this, barely admitting it to yourself, but despite all the loathing you felt for her you still found yourself attracted to her all these years later. it sucks that she is a bitch, otherwise maybe you two would have been something. 

the usual spiel of being safe, record keeping and more was being announced but ellie’s voice carried its way over to you. “do you even know where we’re going?” 

you scoffed, “i’m not incompetent, despite what you may think.” 

she turned her head towards you, a fake smile splayed across her face. “i don’t think, i know.” 

“oh, fuck you, williams.” you spat at her, looking back towards the gate, not wanting to remember she’s right next to you. 

but she was, in all her rudeness. “don’t you wish,” she said casually in a mocking tone. you had to stop your mouth from dropping open at her comment. she knew exactly what she was saying to you, and it just confirmed that there is no fixing this relationship if she could make a comment that low. 

the alarms went off and the horses started to ride out of jackson. you followed suit, leading your horse out of the gate and turning right down the snow covered path. ellie followed behind you at a distance and you liked it that way. 

ellie was watching you from behind, steering your horse through the pathway. for some reason, she couldn’t pull her eyes off of you the entire trip to the first look-out. her mind plagued her with thoughts of you and she dared not to trespass into that territory again. coming up on the familiar look-out, she pushed the thoughts away and replaced them with the hurtful things you’ve said to her over the years which did little to comfort her either. 

“just wait, i’ll mark the book.” you said, dismounting your horse and heading into the small building. you had always figured it was a radio tower as a giant broken satellite was perched on the roof, slamming open the garage door you made your way inside. 

“i’ll come with, don’t need you fuckin’ up the book.” ellie remarked behind you and you rolled your eyes as she passed you, just having to be the first one to the log book and she was. she beat you to the pen and began writing that there was no infected in the area. 

as ellie finished writing, she searched around the room for you. you were standing by the window, eyes peeking into the binoculars overlooking the route you two were going to be taking. 

“lemme look,” she insisted, reaching up to snatch them from your hand. you pulled it away quickly, swatting her hand. 

“i’m fucking capable of looking through these things.” you nearly yelled. 

“you’re not even wearing your glasses, give it to me.” she growled beside you, again reaching for the binoculars as you held them away from her. 

“how kind of you to notice,” you said sarcastically, gently pushing her away from you. 

“you look better with them on, princess.” she hissed using the nickname she had given you years ago. it felt strange to hear it again, especially in such a negative way. ellie eventually gives up on taking the binoculars from you. you started to peer through them again, making out your path as she huffed beside you. she was acting bored, fake kicking the debris that littered the floor, leaning her back against the window staring into the room behind you. 

looking away from the view for a split second, catching her eyes you retorted, “you look better without them on, figured i’d at least try and have a good day.” a devilish smile washed over your face and ellie didn’t respond. you brought the binoculars back up to your eyes and they widened with fright. 

from your viewpoint you were able to see multiple men all on horseback and guns at their side, they weren’t jackson men as you would have recognized them immediately. they had blood stained clothes and looked like they haven’t showered in weeks. but the most disturbing thing you saw was a person, naked and shaking in the cold tied by their neck to one of the horses, being pulled along. this wasn’t a group to be stumbled upon by and they were right smack in the middle of your route about two miles from you both, getting closer to jackson with every step. “oh, fuck me..” you trailed off and ellie chuckled beside you. 

“like i said, you wis–” 

“ellie, look!” you hissed, shoving the binoculars in her hand but she wouldn’t take them. 

“no, apparently i can’t handle it or something!” she shoved them back in your hands. 

“ellie, would you just look while i radio the other patrols?” you basically begged and ellie heard the fear in your voice. knowing you would never let her see you this way, she sat up straight taking the binoculars from you. she watched as you ran to the table with the log book, getting your radio ready. 

she peered through them and saw what you did and ellie’s demeanor changed swiftly. she turned back to look at you, panicking because the radio wasn’t transmitting. “fuck, this stupid thing!” you yelled, banging it against your hands so hard you thought you might leave a bruise. 

ellie acted fast, throwing the log book into a damaged closet to leave no trace and picking up her backpack. “if we can’t get a signal here, we gotta move to where we can get one. the closest patrol is ten miles in the other direction, we can beat them there, they aren’t going fast.” 

she glanced at you, ready to move and you were frozen still trying to get the radio to work. she rounded on you and stopped yourself from breaking your own hand with the radio. “we have to move, okay? they won’t touch you, i promise.” 

her promise seemed sincere and in the moment you didn’t question it. you nodded your head and took a deep breath before she handed you her bag. you both sprinted to your horses, but not before ellie closed the garage with a loud thud. getting on horseback, ellie led the way, weaving in and out of trees staying off the path so as to not cause suspicion with the tracks in the snow. 

you followed suit, not letting her gain more than a few yards on you at a time. after about ten minutes of what seemed like endless trees you came upon an opening to a road. you didn’t recognize it, and as you came up beside ellie it looked like she didn’t either. you looked around desperately, fearing the men you had seen and what would happen to you both if they found you. 

“nothing on the radio?” she asked you, pulling her horse near you. 

“no, nothing.” you stated shakily, fiddling with the small radio. 

“shit,” she cursed aloud, but not loud enough for anyone else but you to hear. “c’mon, this way.” she led you down the road and as you came over a small hill a building came into the picture, a large building that looked like an old grocery store. 

as you were about to pull the radio from your back pocket, ellie and you both snapped your necks in the direction you had just come from. there was the distant sound of hooves, even in the snow and laughing that wasn’t the good kind. “they found our trail, in the building, now!” she snapped at you quietly and not seeing any other idea, you followed her. leading your horses into an empty window in the building and securing them in a locked office. 

the building was ransacked, absolutely nothing in sight but garbage and dead infected bodies. “if there is dead infected, this area must get patrolled,” ellie thought out loud, looking at the mangled bodies. 

“or they found it before we did,” you did the same, stepping over a dead infected woman. horses neighing outside brought you to a halt and ellie didn’t think twice about grabbing your wrist and dragging you out of view. shuffling past large empty boxes and even more dead infected there was a door labeled exit and ellie busted it open, shoving you inside before her. as she closed the door behind her, she heard glass breaking and men’s voices. 

you looked around in the small hallway, it was dark but you were able to see a small dim light peeking through a knocked over bookcase at the end. “ellie,” you whispered, pointing to the bookcase. quietly moving towards it, you started to lift up the bookcase revealing a large storage room with loading docks. placing the bookcase back down to block the entrance as quiet as you could. 

she nodded her head towards the loading doors, they were closed but not locked. you were about to lift them up for an escape when the exit door burst open and all that stood in between them and you two was the bookcase. you snapped your head in that direction and ellie grasped your arm, pulling you behind a large shipping crate. 

in good timing because as soon as you were secure the bookcase fell over with a loud bang that made you jump. you looked to ellie, who was trying to peek around the crate to catch a look. ellie saw three men stumble into the large room, guns and various other weapons on their belts. “come on out now!” one bellowed, causing you to grab ellie’s arm instinctively and she let you, not pulling it away in the slightest. 

ellie saw them looking around corners when one approached the loading doors, seeing it unlocked. “must’ve slipped out,” the brute snarled, fiddling with the door handle.”grab their horses, let’s go get their trail!” they triumphed, slowly leaving through the door they came in. the rest of their crew must be waiting out front, ellie knew this was your only chance. 

once the cost was clear ellie turned to you, “they’ll expect us to go through the back, let’s go back the way we came.” she whispered, taking her arm back. you nodded and followed her, she quickly moved past the bookcase and towards the door they had left wide open. seeing no one, and not hearing your horses she waved you on, exiting the grocery store through the broken window in which you had entered. 

coming back into the daylight their horse tracks went to the back of the building and you both took this opportunity to run into the trees on the opposite side of the deserted road. as you jumped into the snowy landscape, a horse neighed furiously. “hey! i see ‘em!” a grunty voice shouted and you and ellie took off running through the woods. you were following ellie, who was hoping this was the correct way back. but back where? where could she take you on foot they wouldn’t be able to catch up? the nearest patrol is miles out, but when you two didn’t show up for check in they would come looking. that could be hours before they find you, stumbling through the cold woods and ellie worried that you two wouldn’t make it through the night if you could get away from these guys. 

she pushed all of that away, focusing on the task at hand which was to get you away from them. you ran for a while, the woods came to life with sound, the horses behind you trying to bob and weave through the harsh trees, the heavy breathing of you and ellie crashing into the soft snow below you and the sinister sound of the men laughing as they narrowed down on you two. 

“keep running!” ellie shouted back to you as you passed her, she stopped reaching for her rifle and cocking it back. you didn’t listen, instead taking your pistol out at the same time. ellie was able to shoot down one of the men who had tried to flank them, his body tumbling down to the ground and his blood desecrating the pure white snow. 

focusing your vision as ellie reloaded her gun, you shot quickly. the bullet grazing one of the brutes in the cheek and he clutched his cheek as he barreled down on ellie–whose gun was jammed. you shot again, this time aiming for the horse’s legs and it went down before you could blink, hurdling the giant into a tree. he laid on the ground motionless as his buddies grew more angry, you grabbed ellie’s arm and she looked up to you with panicked eyes, slinging her forward in front of you she began running but not before checking that you were right behind her. 

hoping that the bodies of their friends would slow them down, you both sprinted away from the grizzly scene. ellie was in front of you, the tussle with them discombobulated her and she wasn’t sure what direction she was going in. everything was happening too fast for her to be able to stop and figure it out, and as she looked back to check on you and the proximity of her attackers she saw your eyes widen and as you screamed her name, she fell down an embankment. 

you didn’t think twice, knowing this would be a good barrier between you and your pursuers. ellie was already halfway down as you threw yourself down the steep hill, the trees spun around you and you couldn’t see anything. you could make out ellie as you tumbled, rolling uncontrollably and it seemed even faster than you were. it felt like years before you came to a stop at the bottom of the hill.

you groaned, lifting your head up and not seeing anyone following you. you put all your effort into sitting up and you clutched your side as you did. you cursed, your bag was missing, probably buried in snow somewhere and as you looked around you saw ellie. she was laying next to a tree, limp and moaning in pain. in a panic you tried to stand up but the pain in your side prevented you from moving even two steps so you crawled to her. “ellie!” you shouted, coming to her side. “ellie, are you okay?” you yelled again, shaking her lightly. looking back up the embankment, you didn’t see the men anymore and hoped they went to clean up their friends. 

as your eyes came back to ellie, she rolled over and in between big breaths she was able to get out, “hit.. the fuckin…tree.” she groaned, grasping at her limp arm. “fuck..my arm!” 

“c’mon, williams we gotta go,” you stated, looking around for her backpack since yours was nowhere in sight. you noticed it a few feet away and you used the tree to force yourself up, ellie saw you struggling and tried to get up on her own so you wouldn’t have to help her in your condition. taking her pack and slinging it on your shoulders you went back to her, she was leaning against the tree now, facing the embankment. 

you reached out your hand to her and you couldn’t read her face as she took it with her good arm, pulling herself up with a huff. your side screamed in pain as you trudged on, taking in short breaths even though you could barely breathe to begin with. ellie limped behind you, her limp arm at her side and every step she winced in pain. fully realizing you two were lost in the woods, you kept going in hopes of seeing jackson at some point. 

the men didn’t make any appearances and the further you walked the more you felt safe. the fresh snowfall that started was covering your tracks in the deep snow. walking in silence felt like the right thing to do, the adrenaline wearing off would mean bickering again and you liked the quiet sounds of the forest, and the occasional grunt from ellie behind you. the sun was nearly behind the mountains before ellie spotted a small hunting cabin to the left of your makeshift path. 

it was dainty, and probably only one room but as you both approached it, it was looking more and more inviting than the harshness of the cold you two had been enduring the last couple of hours. knocking on the door roughly and not hearing anything inside, you opened the wooden front door. it was small. the abandoned shelter was illuminated by the setting sun through the windows, you saw a fireplace that had more spider-webs than you’d ever seen. the “kitchen” immediately next to it consisted of a broken and ransacked fridge, a sink and only two cabinets. 

you smacked ellie’s pack down on the counter, and finally felt a smidge of peace. looking up and noticing there was no living room area in the single room, just a creaky wooden bed that ellie had sat down on still clutching her arm. you looked around and saw a wooden chair, smashed to pieces you shuffled over, taking as many as you could carry before tossing them into the empty fireplace. ellie watched as you did, wishing she could be more help but her arm was killing her and she worried it was more than just a break. 

she saw you wince as you bent down to pick up more wood and she had to look away, not being able to see you hurt for some reason. “we should splint your arm,” you suggested, tossing more wood into the fireplace but keeping a smaller, thicker stick in your hands. ellie just nodded and let you approach her and as you went to unzip her jacket she flinched back. “i can’t do it with your jacket on.” you snapped, your shitty mood pouring out onto her. 

she softened her face and unzipped her own jacket but needed your help taking it off completely. as you were slowly pulling it off her bad arm, she sighed deeply. her arm was revealed, having only worn a short sleeve under her jacket and you wondered how she wasn’t frozen solid by now. “jesus, els.” you breathed out as you looked upon her arm. it was black and blue all over, some spots were a bright yellow and you held back from gagging. the redness from being cold didn’t help make it look better either. 

“i’m fine,” she lied, not liking you taking care of her. “just make the fire first, would you?” 

not surprised with her attitude, you obliged because you were even still freezing. the sun was barely shining in the windows anymore and you knelt beside the wood and picked a few of the smaller pieces of wood. taking your knife, you whittled off sections, leaving them attached at the bottom to the main piece of wood to work as tinder. and as you worked, ellie watched. she admired your survival skills, remembering that this is what kept you alive before jackson. 

ellie and you knew more about each other than you’d ever admit. being as close as you two were for months, you often had long talks in her garage to distract yourselves from the mutual lingering feeling of longing for one another. but as she observed you working, she remained silent and you did too, feeling her eyes burning into your back. 

the fire bursted to life with flames and you backed away, feeding it more kindling from the broken chair. ellie felt the warmth from the bed and now that she wasn’t numb from being cold, her arm was feeling worse. she didn’t dare look down at it, you turned to see her struggling to find comfort. you took off your jacket, the cozy cabin becoming warmer with every second that passed. tearing at the bottom of your shirt got her attention, you ripped until you had a long enough strip to work with. 

taking the wooden piece that you are using as a splint you kneeled in front of her. “give me your arm,” you said, your hand hovering in front of her. she shuffled her body forward, inches from you and you gently stretched her arm out straight. her moans in pain were loud over the crackling fire, “i know, i know,” you comforted her and her groans stopped but were replaced with quick and short breaths. 

you aligned the wood with her arm, taking your ripped shirt fabric and started to wrap it around her arm. moans escaped her mouth, not being able to conceal how badly this hurt. “almost done…” you trailed as you tied a knot in the fabric to keep it in place. 

once you were finished, and ellie was about as bandaged up as she could be, you sat with your back against the bed. wincing as you did, your side still burning in pain that seemed to spread throughout your body. “lemme see,” ellie murmured, shifting off of the bed to sit next to you on the floor. you grumbled a small i’m fine like she had but she didn’t accept it. “let me see.” she said more sternly. 

you rolled your eyes, lifting up the side of your shirt where the pain is erupting from. she examined it, the bruising on your stomach was prominent and she grazed her fingers over your hot skin. you winced from her touch, her fingers cold on the burning black and blue. “told you, i’m fine.” you reinforced, pulling your shirt back down. 

“i promised you they wouldn’t touch you,” she whispered beside you, you heard the familiar aggression in her voice as it’s usually directed at you but this time it didn’t feel like it was. 

“they technically didn’t.” you recalled, staring into the fire. but ellie was gazing at you, her green eyes scanning the side of your blank face. 

“i should’ve seen the hill,” she shook her head, focusing her eyes on the fire like you were. “i told you they wouldn’t hurt you and now look. i swear to god if they ever show their face around jackson i’ll–” her voice turned sour and she stopped herself from revealing what she would do to them for causing you pain, and although you didn’t blame her for anything that happened today, you couldn’t help but feel angry with her and her sudden caring attitude. 

scoffing, you spoke, “i’ve been hurt worse than this.” ellie understood what you were implying and snapped her head back to you, hurt swimming in her eyes. 

“what is that supposed to mean?” she hissed back at you, her voice rising slightly. she knew exactly what it meant but couldn’t stop herself from getting defensive. 

you laughed in disbelief, “the way you’ve been treating me for years? does that not ring a fuckin’ bell?” your voice rising to meet hers. 

“you’ve been doing the same thing to me, so don’t act innocent.” her tone was sharp but calm and you hated her for her ability to keep her composure. 

“i never said i was innocent!” your blood boiling over, you looked at her, her eyes meeting yours before she darted them away. “if you hate me, hate me. don’t confuse me by acting like you fuckin’ care.” 

“i don’t fuckin’ care,” she spat, using her good arm to lift herself off of the ground. she did care. and it was obvious to you, but instead of arguing about it further you let her walk to the kitchen as she dug in her pack.

you remained silent in front of the fire and despite the pain you brought your knees to your chest for extra warmth, the cold disposition of your patrol partner sucking out any warmth the fire was giving to you. ellie tossed over a small ration pack of food harshly, and you reached to take it. not caring that she threw it at you because now that you were looking at it, you were starving. realizing you hadn’t eaten this morning like you intended to. 

ellie moved back near the fire, sitting in front of you but staring into the wall. it was quiet while you both ate, or better inhaled the food in front of you. “i was supposed to have the day off today,” you remarked, chuckling at the circumstances though not finding it entirely funny. “i shoulda just told maria to fuck off.” 

ellie turned to you looking confused. “wait, maria asked you to do this?” you nodded in response and she shook her head smirking, “she asked me last night if i could cover for–” 

“manny,” you both said at the same time. realizing maria had set you both up, and you both couldn’t help but not laugh about it. 

“she’s gonna feel so bad!” you laughed, and somehow it was the funniest thing in the world to the both of you in that moment. ellie was laughing harder than you had ever seen her and you realized how deeply you missed this side of her, and how long it had been since you did. was it shock? maybe, probably. but even ellie couldn’t help but enjoy the small moment after the day you two had. 

“she probably thinks we killed each other!” ellie added mid laughing, causing you two to remain that way for a little while longer. it really wasn’t funny, but in some fucked up way it was. after you both calmed down from the singular good moment you had had in years, ellie added, “i missed that.” 

“missed what?” you questioned, not wanting the moment to end. 

“your laugh,” she uttered, boring her green eyes into yours. “i know that’s not fair of me to say.” 

this was the ellie you remembered, before all the fighting she was always kind to you. she was thoughtful. and she cared about you more than anyone you met in jackson. she patiently waited for your response, trying to judge if you were still angry. “i think we’ve both said things to each other we shouldn’t have, els.”  she hid a smile at your response, forcing her eyes to the fire that illuminated the small room. after a small beat of comfortable silence, she turned back to you.

“i really am sorry,” she spoke again and you cut her off before she could continue. 

“it’s okay, really–” 

“no i mean– i shouldn’t have– we almost died today. you almost died and i just…” she trailed off, gathering her thoughts. “i wanted to kiss you that day too.” 

you looked at her perplexed, and as you opened your mouth to respond she talked again. “it’s complicated and i was just scared–” 

“scared of what, ellie?” you questioned her again. 

she lifted up her good arm, revealing her tattoo. bringing your eyes back to hers and she took note of your confusion. she shuffled over and sat beside you showing you her arm up close. “just look,” 

at first, all you noticed was the tattoo. the ink perfectly etched into her skin, but as you really looked at it you noticed small indents buried in an intricate part of the linework. you took her arm in your hands to examine it further. bite marks. they were old, but they were there beneath the tattoo, permanently altering her skin with a nasty scar. “what the fuck…” you whispered skeptically, tracing it over with your fingers. 

“i was fourteen, so don’t worry i think i would have been dead by now.” she joked, hoping to alleviate any negative feelings you had about this. she sat nervously next to you and if you weren’t holding her arm she feared she would be shaking. 

“what does this have to do with me?” you asked innocently, taking your eyes away from her arm but not letting go. 

“i thought if we had kissed that i’d infect you somehow,” she laughed thinking of the memory. “i really shoved you off the bed hard, huh?” 

“my ass was bruised for weeks, so yeah you did.” you laughed with her back and it felt like the last couple of years hadn’t happened. 

“awww, poor princess,” she mocked you playfully. it almost threw you off, being as she hasn’t been playful in forever but you rejoiced in it. 

“shut up!” you played back, throwing her arm out of your hands and back into her lap. ellie noticed how close you two were, closer than when you splinted her arm, and it made her feel safe. she brought her hand back up to your face slowly and you let her, she swept strands of hair behind your ear. “you’re not scared now, though?” you pressed on, catching onto her intentions. 

“oh, i’m terrified.” ellie spoke softly, inches from your face. she cupped your cheek in her hand and gazed at you lovingly, her eyes darting from your eyes to your lips. she felt her stomach doing flips as she leaned in to close the final stretch that separated you two, as she did, hard knocks pounding at the door pulled you apart from each other. 

the door opened, revealing a disheveled joel and tommy. “thank god!” joel exclaimed, entering the cabin. “we saw the smoke, you guys are five miles off the normal route. what the hell happened?”

they helped you both home and to see the medics and it was nearly a day later when you saw ellie again. you endured what felt like thousands of visits from friends and neighbors that wanted to wish you a good recovery, and they were sorry to hear what happened. you were put on bed rest for a few broken ribs and they all hurt severely anytime you moved. 

but when ellie came through your bedroom door, you shot up in bed ignoring the pain that was plaguing you. she filled you in on what’s been going on, rangers are out looking for the group of men that attacked you both and they think they have a good lead on the group. this comforted you, but not nearly as much as ellie’s presence. she had a fresh cast on her arm, and ellie pointed out that it was really itchy, making you laugh. 

“maria feels really bad,” she smirked, a small laugh escaping her lips. “but she’s gloating about her plan working.” 

“course she is,” you answered. she moved across your room and sat down on the side of your bed to face you, looking down to your hands and took them in hers. “we might have to put on a show for her, can’t have her head gettin’ too big.” 

“anything you wanna do princess,” she leaned down and kissed your forehead. “but first, rest.” 

you groaned, “i hate you.” 

“i hate you more, now c’mon lay down.” she gently pushed you back down into the bed and you scooted over leaving room for her. she snuggled up next to you as you laid your head on her chest, hearing her soothing heartbeat as she played with your hair and you both fell asleep peacefully. feeling nothing but safe with one another. 

[wintersoldiersoul]

Slowly

A/N: I think this might be the beginning of a little series.. let me know if you guys would want more of this! Also, this story mentions a past sexual assault of the reader (not in detail) but I just want you guys to know that if you ever need a safe space, my DMs are always open. It's something I've experienced and the experiences that the reader has had are very similar to my own. Please reach out if you ever need anything <3

Warnings: mention of a past sexual assalult, angst, fluff

“Y/N is going on a daaateee!” Wanda sang, running into the living room, you and Natasha following behind. 

Her statement turned the attention of Steve, Sam, and Bucky who were sitting on the couch. “A date, huh?” Steve asked. “With who?”

You laughed awkwardly. “Just a guy I met at the bar,” you shrugged. When your random bar makeout from last week had invited you to dinner, you didn’t wanna say yes. But with a little bit of peer pressure from the two women standing with you, you had reluctantly agreed.

Your eyes were on Bucky, whose eyes were on his phone. Why would you expect him to care that you were going on a date? Your feelings for him clearly weren’t reciprocated and you needed to move on. It was never going to happen.

The three of you moved to the living room to sit with the guys as you began to be bombarded with questions and comments. You swore that sometimes the adult superheros acted like middle schoolers, cheering like children when someone had any sort of development in their love life.

“So are you finally gonna have sex with someone?” Sam teased. You weren’t a virgin by any means, but it had been a while. A fact that the team loved to tease you about whenever you were stressed.

“No,” you said, simply not in the mood to be interrogated about your love life. “I don’t even know if I like him. We just kissed in a bar.”

“You’re gonna fall in love, and get married and have so many kids together,” Sam continued, his tone full of mockery. 

You weren’t necessarily embarrassed about your sex life. You didn’t care that it had been a while since you’d been with someone. It wasn’t like you hadn’t had the opportunity. It was just hard for you to trust. Ever since you had been assaulted, you didn’t wanna have sex with a stranger. You never told the team about the assault, not wanting to face the sympathetic looks. It wasn’t like they could do anything about it anyways. 

“That’s not gonna happen,” you said monotonously.

“Y/N, you’re gonna bang him and then be so happy and uplifted. Maybe you’ll actually get some sleep at night,” Steve joined in.

“Guys, seriously, stop.” You tried to prevent yourself from getting annoyed to the point of anger, but they were pushing your buttons. Even if they didn’t know the full reason you didn’t wanna talk about it, you were telling them to stop and that should have been enough. It was clear you didn’t wanna talk about this and that you didn’t even wanna go on the date at all but they just couldn’t help themselves from joking like a bunch of teenagers.

“We’re just so happy for you and all of the sex you’re gonna be having!” Sam said.

That’s when Bucky turned his head. “Guys, she said she doesn’t wanna talk about it, okay?”

Your heart fluttered when he defended you. You had tried your best to control your feelings for Bucky but the organ in your chest betrayed you. Every day you fell a little bit more in love with him. You just couldn’t help yourself. What had started as a harmless crush had turned into a gut-wrenching unrequited love story that tore you apart every time you saw or spoke to him.

“Let us celebrate!” Sam said. “Y/N’s gonna get fucked!”

You stood up quickly and walked away, anger reverberating in every step you took back to your room. You didn’t even wanna go on this stupid date and you sure as hell didn’t wanna have sex with a stranger. You wished you could do it. You wished you could have your mind and confidence back, the way you did before the assault. But it had ruined your trust. The one time you tried to have sex with a stranger ended in a panic attack and you getting out of his apartment as quickly as possible.

“Assholes,” Bucky muttered, standing up to follow you and make sure you were okay. He reached your door a second after you, stopping the door as you tried to close it. “You okay?”

“Yup.”

He followed you and sat next to you on the bed when you did the same. “Just ignore them. They think they’re funny,” he laughed.

You gave him a closed-mouth smile. “I just wish they’d actually stop when I tell them to, you know? I know they don’t mean to hurt me and it’s not like they know…” you trailed off before you said too much.

“What?” Bucky asked.

“Nothing, nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

But Bucky could read you like a book. Despite your feelings that he’d never like you back, he did. In fact, he loved you as much as you loved him, which led him to usually being quiet and reserved in your presence. He always had his eyes on you when you weren’t looking, silently wishing he could just work up the courage to ask you out. “Something’s bothering you, I can tell,” he said.

“And how would you know?” You said, raising an eyebrow.

“Because I know you. Better than you think I do.” 

His words rendered you speechless as you stared into his eyes. God, what was it about this man that just made you want to open up? “I…” you hesitated. You had been holding this secret for so long, you didn’t know how it would feel to share it. “I was sexually assaulted last year. I’ve tried to have sex since but it ended badly,” you took a deep breath. You were not going to cry in front of him. “I think it messed me up more than I thought it did. I feel… broken, I guess? Like, it feels like everyone else in the world can have a one night stand no problem but for me, I just can’t. And it makes me feel bad about myself.”

Bucky stared at you as you spoke. “Y/N, you are not broken,” he said with conviction. “You went through something traumatic. It makes complete sense that it’s hard for you.” He stared so deep into your eyes.

“Thanks,” you said, honestly just wanting to move past the conversation. “It’s fine. I just wasn’t in the mood for jokes.”

He lifted his hand up, brushing your hair behind your ear. Your heart pounded in your chest. “It’s not fine, though. Have you told anyone else? You shouldn’t deal with that alone.”

You sighed. Maybe he was right, but still you couldn’t find the energy to have that conversation right now. “Why do you even care, Bucky?”

“Because I’m in love with you, goddamn it!” 

You were speechless. This had to be some kind of joke. He had figured out your little crush and just wanted to fuck with you. Make a fool out of you. “Don’t be mean, Bucky.”

“Mean?” He said. “Why do you think I never talk to you? You make me so nervous I never know what to say. I have to stop myself from blurting out how fucking beautiful you are. God, when I’m around you it’s like… I feel like myself again.” The look in his blue eyes told you that he was telling the truth.

“Bucky, I.. I love you too. I have for a while.”

His breathing sped up as his hand remained on your face. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

His lips were on yours in an instant. His tongue made his way into your mouth, kissing you feverishly. You were both desperate for each other, desperate for the love and affection that had been missing from your lives. 

“W-wait,” he said, removing his lips from yours. “I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I mean, you just told me you were sexually assaulted. I don’t wanna rush you into anything. I think we should just take this slow.” 

You nearly cried but stopped yourself. How was this real? How was it possible that the man you had been secretly loving for so long actually felt the same? And how was it possible that he was so respectful? So caring?

“T-thank you. I really needed to hear that, Buck.”

He smiled. “I want you to trust me, fully. If we’re gonna do this… if you want to, that is, we’re gonna do this right. We’re gonna go to dinner and I’m gonna spoil you like you deserve. And we’re gonna take everything at your pace, okay?”

“I-I don’t wanna disappoint you, Bucky. It might take me a while to be…fully comfortable.”

He grabbed your face in both of his hands. “Listen to me. You could never disappoint me. Get that thought out of your head.”

You bit your lip and nodded.

“Now do me a favor,” he whispered. “Cancel that damn date.”

[ghostofwriting]

in London: I break down cause you're not around

Rafe x Reader

Warnings: mentions of cheating

Note: Just a random drabble idea that popped into my head. Please don't come at me for more cheating okay just call me Taylor Jenkins Reid because apparently, that's all I can write. Absolutely not KS related. KS Chapter 4 coming soon.

Word Count: 1,346

Summary: Rafe probably

"But you're in London, and I break down 'Cause it's not fair that you're not around

This is when the feeling sinks in I don't wanna miss you like this Come back, be here"

It’s humid out, everything feels damp, her baby blue dress sticking to her uncomfortably. The slight breeze makes her shiver due to the contrast of the heat when it touches her skin. She can’t quite breathe.

She’s outside on the terrace, the stone railing covered in pink flowers with green vines running underneath them. The stairs lead to a garden and a small maze. If you walk past the tree line, you’ll hit the ocean, she can hear the waves crashing.

She needed to step out and take a breather. There are too many people inside, it feels too crowded, and all her past lives come back to haunt her. She shouldn’t even be here. She should be back in London where she started her new life. Far away from any reminders of what could have been. 

He’s been watching her all night. The partygoers had been dancing, mingling and catching up, celebrating the happy couple and everywhere she turned she caught his eye. From the corner of her eye, or through the reflection of a mirror. He would look at her over the rim of his glass as he took a sip of his drink. She had been avoiding him, not only tonight but for the better part of the year. Ever since they broke up. 

He had tried to text and call and beg his way back into her life but it wasn’t something that he could be part of anymore. When he had tried to follow her to London, she told him that never in a million years would she forgive him. There is nothing he could do to fix what he tore to shreds. 

They had been together for years. She trusted him with everything she had in her and he betrayed that trust by sleeping with her best friend. Why? She had asked him the night she walked away. Why would you sleep with her? He had no answer, no vocabulary that could make this better. 

His friends had told her that it was because she had laid into him too hard one time and made him so angry that he wanted revenge. She wasn’t perfect, she knew that he had shit going on with his dad and that the drugs didn’t help either. He wasn’t necessarily stable, but she didn’t think he could hurt her just to hurt her. They told her he regretted it immediately and swore them all to secrecy. He threatened them with god knows what and they vouched for him. 

She had started to suspect something happened between the two when they started acting weird around each other. Before the shift, they never avoided each other, they were civil and they could hold conversations. After it happened, they were never seen in the same room and if on the rare occasion they were, no eye contact would be made and no words exchanged. Sometimes on those rare occasions, she would watch her best friend and see how she looked at him. Her eyes softened and a small smile appeared on her face only to be wiped off as soon as she made eye contact with her. She would brush it off and pretend that she was seeing things. At some point, her best friend pulled away from the friend group and stopped talking to her. She was hurt because she didn’t know why and never received an explanation. 

When the guilt started to eat at her, that’s when she came forward. Five months after the act was committed. She looked at her in disbelief as she explained herself and told her that she was sorry, that she was in love with him. In love with her boyfriend. Her best friend and her boyfriend. How cliche? How did she let that happen to her?

He had been looking for her, trying to find her to stop her from telling the truth. It was too late when she found her. She was silent, staring at the crying girl. The one that had been her best friend. She looked at him and started to back away, 

“Wait!” He had yelled after her, “Please, listen!” He rann up behind her, reaching for her arm, unsuccessfully as she kept walking. 

He had followed her through the parking lot trying to stop her from getting into her car. Tears glistening in his eyes. 

She wouldn’t listen. There was no coming back from this. She didn’t say a single word as she got into her car and drove away from the boy that she thought was her forever. 

She didn’t want to see any of them ever again, she cried to her mother, and together they decided that she would go to London and start her law career there. Her mom would do anything to get her away from the boy she thought was a bad influence. 

That very next morning she was on a plane to London. He called and called and called. Until she changed her number. Her mom told her that he had tried to find out where she was and tried to find her. She had loyal friends back home, they proved that to her by never telling him where she had gone. 

And just like that she had disappeared for months on end. No trace of her. 

Until now. 

“You look beautiful.” His voice is something she wishes she could forget. She’s disappointed to know that she remembers it exactly.

“What are you doing here?” She stares at her hands, not sparing him a glance.

“It’s my sister's rehearsal dinner.” She rolls her eyes, glad that he can’t see the reaction. 

“I meant out here.” 

“I want to talk to you.” She should have known he would follow her outside. He was never one to give up easily. 

“There’s nothing to say.”

“I have things to say. You disappeared and never let me explain myself.” She looks up from her hands now, still not at him.

“That’s because I didn’t want to hear anything you had to say. I don’t care about anything you have to say.”

“I love you. I fucked up, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I know that.”

She doesn’t face him, choosing to look at the scenery instead. The trees, the garden, if she looks far enough into the distance she sees the ocean.

“I was so angry with you and I wasn’t thinking. I will never do something like that again, I regretted it immediately.” He won’t ever get a chance to do that again, at least not with her.

“I don’t want to hear it. I didn’t then. And I don’t now.”

She hears him sniffle, he places his hand next to hers on the railing. She sees as his finger twitches, itching to touch her. 

“Please, tell me how to fix this.” She looks at him now, his eyes brimmed with unshed tears.

“There is nothing you could ever do to fix this.” He clenches his jaw and she notices how it flutters. 

“Please. Come back.” 

“I wish I could. Don’t you get it? I wish I could just forget everything you did. I wish I never found out because I love you, I still do. Even after everything.” His eyes fill with hope. 

“I love myself more.” He deflates, looking down at his hands in front of him. 

She feels a presence come up behind them and turns slightly. She sees who it is and knows it’s her time to go. 

She doesn’t spare her ex-best friend a glance as she walks past her into the building where the party is still in full swing. 

“Rafe.” She hears her say. She doesn’t turn around, not wanting to hurt more than she already is. 

“Stay away from me, Kiara.” He snaps. He leaves Kie standing on the balcony as he climbs down the steps two at a time and towards his car.

Just a few more days of pretending to be okay. In less than a week she would be back in London. And she would be able to breathe again. 

[thatfreshi]

As a prompt - maybe Astarion (or Tav for that matter) going absolutely feral (and i mean really) when someone or something hurts badly the other (or try to) ?

I don't know of it has already been donc by you and if it has sorry, really appreciate your writing though ! Thank you <3

Learning to trust is difficult

tw - themes of death, talk of injuries

"I just don't know how you don't seem to care! It's bad Astarion, really bad, and I'm not going to sit here and watch you hurt."

While you and the vampire were on night watch, you got jumped by some thieves scrounging around in the woods of the Sword Coast. He took the brunt of the fight, taking quite a couple slices to the abdomen.

"We'll wait til morning, like I said. Shadowheart will be rested by then, and we'll all be fine."

"Oh right, so you can bleed out? You think you're such a jester, don't you."

You already dealt with the perpetrators, making sure they were flayed across the grass, any hopes they had of stealing from you shot down from miles away.

"If it were that bad I would wake her Tav, but it's not."

Gods, he's frustrating. Driving you to the point of madness, constantly. For someone who finally has a second chance at life, he can be quite reckless. Instead of trying to argue with him further, you walk over to where he's propped himself against his bedroll, and start undressing his wounds. He almost tries to push you away, but the lightest touch of the cuts makes him lose his strength.

"Tav, stop it."

"No! Because you can wrap these all you want, but if you leave these like this overnight it's going to get nasty, and I know for a fact you can't stitch wounds like this."

"Then it is was it is."

"No, I'm getting her. Stay here."

Astarion grabs at your wrist. There's a dreary silence for a moment, and he refuses your eye contact.

"I've done this by myself, for how long? Do you have any idea what it makes me feel like, having to turn to someone who is practically a stranger, and put my life in their hands? I did that once my love, and I have regretted it ever since."

And you know exactly what he's talking about, that night in the alley, fragmented memories only covered up by digging through six feet of dirt.

"You would've died though."

"Perhaps it would have been best that way."

You know that no selfish reason you have about wanting him around could ever make up for all the things he endured under Cazador, that if he had bled out that night he would at least be at peace.

"This is different though. We're all working together, we all want the same things. Shadowheart isn't going to hold this over you."

"You don't know that. I mean look at me. I planned on seducing you and getting rid of you as soon as I could, all to keep myself safe. We will never truly know what the others want, what their intentions with us are."

"Then why trust me?"

He hesitates as you wrap his abdomen once again.

"I... I don't know... You're just, different."

"Then what's to say Shadowheart isn't also different? Or any of them for that matter?"

You cup his face in your hand.

"It's just easier to risk one of you. To risk loving you, and only you. Because if you betray me? Then I've played myself for a fool, and I can't have two knives in my back."

"You don't have to trust her Aster, but you need her right now. We need her, because I can't lose you either."

Your hand trails to his, and you feel at each other's fingers for a few long moments. He tries to come up with something to say, knowing he will most likely bleed out if you two don't wake the cleric.

"You trust me right? You're making that risk at least, taking that chance? Then trust that I'm trying to make the right choice for you."

Even if he doesn't bleed out, he doesn't deserve to writhe in pain all night, to which you're sure he would say something about how he's done it a million times before. Why, why does he try to be strong for you?

"Alright my love, wake her."

You get up without a word, planting a quick kiss on his forehead before leaving the tent, your feet gliding to where Shadowheart is sleeping.

"Shadowheart, we need you."

She's a light sleeper, like most of you, and wakes with the few simple words you speak.

"What it is?"

The cleric asks as she walks with you.

"Astarion. We had some unwelcome visitors on watch. It's... it's not pretty."

You come back to your tent, gently moving the fabric by the entrance as Shadowheart moves to him, focused on doing what needs to be done. She unwraps the bandages and you come to his side. He's silent.

"Lady of Sorrows, this is horrific Astarion. How long have you let this sit like this?"

It takes him a moment to muster the words, still clearly embarrassed to be receiving her help this late. You've learned though that he hates people speaking for him, so you just wait.

"It's been about half an hour. Tav and I have been arguing about getting your assistance. They insisted we wake you, and I insisted we shouldn't bother."

"Well, you're lucky Tav isn't as stubborn as you are, because this is nasty. While I'm not as familiar with vampire anatomy, this would not have sat well overnight."

She takes a moment to gather herself, before casting healing touch, letting the magic linger a little longer than normal. You watch as his pale skin slowly comes back together, stitching itself up like embroidery thread. Shadowheart takes a moment to admire her work, smirking slightly. Her expression then becomes somber for a moment.

"As much as I'm not the sappy type, please don't hesitate to get me when you need me. Despite how much you all annoy me, I'm still rather fond of you as companions. I would hate to see any of you go too soon, especially over something as simple as this."

Astarion says nothing in return, and soon after the devout Sharran leaves the two of you alone. The two of you lie down, wrapping yourselves up in each other, limbs entangled as if you're scared of being torn apart.

"I know it's hard, but you have to learn to ask for help. If not for yourself, for me. Because I can only do so much my star."

"I know."

"I'm sorry I yelled. It just really scares me, the idea that I could lose you."

He nuzzles into your chest, the movement dampening his voice.

"I don't think anyone's ever been afraid to lose me, except me. And I fear I lost myself far too long ago for it to matter."

You wrap your fingers in his hair, sitting in the sorrow with him.

"All things that are lost can be found. And we'll find you again my love, I promise."

He doesn't thank you, which you don't mind. After all, Astarion isn't used to having anyone to genuinely thank. But the way he lets you hold him, that slowly but surely the walls are coming down, that's his own way of saying it, saying that he's grateful. And as long as he lives to see another day, you'll take whatever he gives you, for as long as both of you live.

[isa-ghost]

Can we please keep in mind that given what we know, there's a strong chance plenty of Wilbur's friends were blindsided by this, and could very well be grieving that someone so close to them turned out to be this horrific?

Given we KNOW Wilbur meticulously kept up a facade socially and publicly, there's a strong chance they had little to no idea he was that way unless they personally witnessed the behaviors. That's horrifying.

I personally know what it's like to have someone you talked to and hung out with near-daily for YEARS to turn out to be a disgusting, lying, fake and awful person. You feel betrayed, sick, angry, confused, devastated. You need time to emotionally process that. ESPECIALLY before doing something like making a public statement about "your stance" on the matter. Some of the people we know felt like family to Wilbur, genuinely, even despite all the jokes that got old so fast within the community. And they could've gone the whole time not knowing all this.

That's not something you get over instantly. That's not something you can think clearly through right away. Anyone demanding a nuanced and well-thought out statement rejecting and condemning Wilbur ASAP for their own satisfaction are stupid as hell. You don't care about the situation, you're fishing for internet points by being ready to pull the trigger on anyone who doesn't say something the moment you expect them to. You care more about Looking like you have humanity by attacking abusers and abuse apologists, instead of Actually having humanity in realizing this has a real impact on real people with real emotions.

They're fucking grieving. And we've seen from plenty of them who thought of him as a friend that Have said something already that they are also ANGRY.

Those who have yet to speak up are likely still processing their emotions. Or processing what they want to say. Or perhaps are even personally affected by the situation as victims of abuse themselves, and therefore NEED to step back before they say anything, if they say anything at all.

They could also be saying something where we can't see. They don't owe the public shit, anything they'd say wouldn't be for us. We aren't entitled to their thoughts or their explicit rejection of Wilbur. Which is Also why anyone demanding instant statements from anyone is a fucking moron. They don't need to "prove" to us that they don't support Wilbur anymore. That's not what anything to do with this situation is about. That's not what matters here.

What matters is they've personally given Shelby their support; which is 10x more meaningful given directly to her rather than in public where it's also largely to please anyone scrutinizing them. What matters is they've stopped engaging with Wilbur, removed his presence from their personal content (ex: Phil removed his point redemption audios that had Wilbur in them), etc. Actions speak louder than words.

Some of you are just fucking lazy and don't want to look deeper, you want convenient and perfectly crafted statements for your satisfaction and comfort right away.

TLDR: think fucking harder before you open your mouth about any cc's reaction to Wilbur or his statement. These people were friends with him (many are also friends with Shelby!), trusted him, etc. There's nuance to situations like these whether you like it or not, and ccs saying anything where you can see it at the exact moment you want them to is not something any of us are owed.

Fuck Wilbur. Fuck his garbage statement. But if you're more focused on hounding every cc who ever knew him publicly to cater to you for one reason or another the second you want them to, fuck you too.

[antianakin]

Pong Krell. It’s universally agreed that he deserved worse than what he got and I get that. I just wished we got to see what he was like before he Fell. Did he always hate clones, was it gradual? Did he suspect something off and went over paranoid?

I’ll say this one and I’ll say this probably a thousand more times but I wished the creators focused on more details with characters. It’s absolutely fascinating that they created a Jedi that Fell but did nothing with it besides outright evil.

How other Jedi reacted to learning that a fellow Jedi betrayed everyone? How did the Republic?

I just wished they did more with him than just, yeah that dude was a dick and killed clones.

Yeah, it's one of the things I don't like as much about TCW, the extremely episodic nature of it means that there really is never any build-up to anything or lasting impact from anything. Unless it's happening within one of the 2-4 episode arcs, we RARELY get to see any kind of build-up or fallout. It's one of the major issues with Barriss, too, we see her ONCE in season 2 and she's calm, kind, methodical, and selfless. And then three seasons later in season 5 she's suddenly ruthless, selfish, doubting everything and everyone, merciless, etc. There is NO BUILD UP to that radical 180 to her character and there's no real exploration of how Ahsoka really feels about that particular betrayal afterwards, the focus in later episodes after the Wrong Jedi focuses only on Ahsoka feeling betrayed by the COUNCIL and her feelings about that. Nothing since TCW has ever touched it either (Rebels, Mandalorian, the Ahsoka show). Satine's death never really comes up again after it happens aside from Bo-Katan being an asshole. Obi-Wan goes from being totally fucked up about Maul coming back to being chill enough to take on Maul and Savage alone and winning without us getting to see him actually deal with those emotions.

Pong Krell and the Umbara arc IN GENERAL falls into this category easily (so do the Zyggeria and the Deception arc tbh). Krell is such a basic evil character, there's so little nuance to him and we never get to see the Jedi react to the revelation that one of their own turned at all. Dooku turned after he had already left the Order as far as any of them really know, but Krell was still IN the Order when he decided to betray them and it would've been really interesting to see the impact of that on them. It would've been ESPECIALLY interesting to explore that more during the Wrong Jedi arc in particular in how the Jedi feel like they can't trust their own people not to betray them anymore after Dooku and Krell.

Krell is presented with like. Zero nuance. He is just unequivocally evil and despite Anakin greeting him in a friendly way at the beginning, the visuals tell you this dude's no good right from his first appearance. There isn't really any chance that he's going to be a good guy at all. So all we are left with are headcanons.

And I remember discussing my Krell headcanons somewhere, but I think it might've been on a Discord server I've since left, so I unfortunately cannot find them again. So I'll try to remember them and immortalize them here, I guess.

Here's the thing about Krell. NO ONE suspects him. So he cannot be overtly acting like a bigoted asshole from the jump at any point, he HAS to be acting in such a way that it's not trickling out to the other clones and to the Jedi themselves that Krell is an absolute monster. Even Fives takes a moment to decide that Krell is suspicious and only brings up Krell's casualty numbers after he sees Krell's behavior for a minute and combines that knowledge with what he's now personally experiencing and is starting to come to conclusions based on that. He doesn't go into the relationship thinking Krell is worse than any other Jedi already.

And based on what we know of EVERY OTHER FALLEN JEDI (Dooku, Anakin, Barriss), they didn't start out as monsters. Dooku was a highly respected Jedi Master who seems to have had a really positive relationship with Yoda and Qui-Gon and simply became disillusioned with the Senate and his care for the people of the galaxy got twisted into something darker over time. Barriss was kind, selfless, compassionate, brave, and resourceful, and it was the war that caused her to start letting her fears and pain consume her into turning on the Jedi. Anakin was kind and spent years having his fears and doubts twisted into selfishness and greed and darkness that allowed him to justify murder and genocide for power. So it wouldn't make sense to me that Pong Krell wouldn't fall into the same pattern where he was once kind and good and selfless and brave, but that the circumstances surrounding the war caused him to lose faith and fall.

My headcanon is that he lost an entire battalion early in the war, much like we see happen to Plo Koon during the Malevolence arc and that that loss and failure just BROKE him. Krell DID care about the clones, he cared about his men, and he FAILED them all. And I think that he saw all of these clones dying by the dozens in all of the other battalions and instead of choosing to let go of his pain and fear and lean into his compassion, he chose to distance himself from them entirely to make it hurt less. If he didn't care about the clones, if he just saw them as the cannon fodder that the Senate treated them all as, then it would hurt less when they died. Maybe the Senate itself even dragged him over the coals for that initial loss. Or perhaps it was the opposite, maybe most of his battalion was killed, but it ultimately ended in a victory anyway because they were forced to just keep going despite the consequences. And so Krell decides to enter this mindset where he is disillusioned with the Senate and just CANNOT allow himself to care about the clones, because it won't change what the Senate is going to do to them anyway, so he may as well just treat them the same way.

And this wouldn't have happened overnight. It wouldn't have been a sudden 180 where he decided he was just going to treat them like shit. But he maybe decided to put some more professional distance between himself and his new battalion, not get close to them, not use their names (although he still knows them, still remembers them all). Maybe one day they're in a tricky situation and all of his options are bad, he HAS to sacrifice some of his men in order to salvage the situation at all, and it's a choice between a full retreat that he KNOWS the Senate won't take well, or sacrificing the men to achieve the victory. So he sacrifices the men. It's not an entire battalion, it's not even a whole company, but it's more than it would've been if he'd retreated. Maybe next time, there's a choice between going back to save some of the men even if it poses a risk to his own life or the mission or something, and he chooses not to go back for them because the mission is more important, or he rationalizes that his life is more important as the Jedi General. And it's just more and more little decisions like that that add up over time to being able to see the clones as nothing more than tools.

The disillusionment with the Senate leads to him sort-of agreeing with things Dooku and the Separatists have said and he can look at the war and realize that it's entirely possible that the Republic is going to LOSE, and he CANNOT be the one who loses again, so maybe he starts bouncing around the concept of maybe switching sides. And of course initially he rejects the idea. He's a Jedi, he won't just abandon the Republic, he can't be a traitor, who in the Separatist side would ever trust him anyway. But once that seed is planted, it doesn't go away and it keeps coming back up and he keeps finding ways to rationalize why it might be a good idea and then deciding not to do it over and over again. Until one day, he can't convince himself that it's a bad idea or that it wouldn't work. He tells himself it's the ONLY option, if he doesn't change sides then he's dead. But Dooku WON'T trust him unless he can prove that he's not on the Republic's side, so he has to come up with a plan to gain their trust. And what better way to earn that trust than to ensure a Separatist victory in an important campaign by double-crossing the Republic.

And once he's chosen to go down that path, it's even EASIER to stop caring about the clones because, well, they're all dead anyway. The Republic is going to lose, the clones are all dead men walking no matter what, so why bother caring about them or trying to keep them alive? He can't lose so often that the Jedi or the Senate become suspicious of him, of course, but it's REALLY easy then to get to Umbara and treat the clones like crap and turn them against each other and intentionally try to get them all killed. They're dead anyway, he's not the one killing them really, is he, the Senate is, the Jedi are, the war is. They were dead from the moment they were created in that test tube because they were created for this specific purpose. It's not his fault.

And much like Barriss turns against the Jedi in part because she did LOVE the Jedi and was devastated by what she saw happening to them and the pain of seeing her people forced to become something they were never supposed to be, as much as her actions were intended as some kind of message to try to sort-of save the Jedi from a course of action she saw as their downfall, I think that Krell turns on the clones because at some point he DID care about them. A lot. And that care became his downfall, the pain at what was being done to them just absolutely gutted him and it threw him down a path that ultimately led him to turn against the very people whose deaths had hurt him so badly just a few short years ago.

Krell might not have been the most effusive or emotional person prior to the war or anything, he might've been a more reserved person similar to Mace or Dooku or Luminara, but I think he probably was a perfectly good Jedi who was kind and selfless and compassionate once upon a time.

And none of the headcanons above have even touched what his relationships with other JEDI must have been like. It's just as possible that he did have friends and people he considered family among the Jedi. Maybe he had a padawan once at some point. And maybe all of those people had died by the time we get to Umbara. Maybe he had to watch a lot of the people he was closest to just fall like flies, and so it starts feeling like nothing matters. Maybe one of the Jedi who died on Geonosis was a former padawan of his, but Krell himself obviously wasn't there and the pain of THAT loss and the guilt he feels at not having been there (even though this padawan had been knighted for a while and there was a good reason Krell wasn't there that day) just sticks with him, too, and he never quite manages to let that go, either.

I think a lot of people choose to just headcanon Krell as having just always been kind-of an asshole even when he was a Jedi, but that doesn't work for me. If Krell was always an asshole, I feel like the Jedi would've stepped in at some point before the war even HAPPENED and tried to manage that situation. And it doesn't match up with the way pretty much every other fallen Jedi has ever been written, where they were GOOD PEOPLE once upon a time who saw awful things happen that they couldn't stop or had an awful thing happen TO them that they couldn't stop and the pain of that experience consumes them to the point that they spiral into darkness as a result. Krell should be the same way, which means he likely was a perfectly good normal Jedi before the war. He would've been kind, he might've been good with younglings (he's tall, maybe he was the one the younglings went to all the time for piggy back rides, maybe he often taught dual wielding to padawans who asked because of how clearly proficient he is at it), he might've taught a student of his own successfully, he would've been wise and selfless and compassionate, he would've loved the Jedi and the people of the galaxy.

Like, to be frank, if Tales of the Jedi HAD to explore a fallen Jedi story, they should've explored Krell instead of Dooku. Dooku has been explored before, we know quite a lot about him and his motivations and his backstory, but Krell, as you noted, is left a mystery and is stuck in the realm of being just purely evil for the sake of the story they were telling in this one arc. Krell needed more nuance in a way Dooku just did not.

[ragzonacamrencruise]

Betrayal (An ATLA analysis)

It's really important to me, how, in the Avatar universe, the person who's at the right side of the throne (essentially the right hand), always betrays the one sitting on the said throne.

Exhibit A:

Long Feng, kept the King oblivious to the Hundered Year War and handled all matters that are not partying or charity events, making him the de facto ruler of Ba Sing Se without even the King's knowledge, essentially paving a way for his betrayal.

Exhibit B:

Zuko, said it himself, that he was literally at his father's right hand. Even Azula got only the second best seat. And the next thing Zuko does? He betrays his father. I know what you're all thinking. But didn't Zuko already betray him before? Well, he did when he released Aang from Zhao as the Blue Spirit. But, the important point is, his explicit orders were to capture the Avatar to restore his honour. It didn't matter which methods he used to do it. He only ever openly betrayed his father during the eclipse and that was after he was placed at the right hand in the war meeting.

Exhibit C:

Mai, a betrayal that was a turning point in Azula's declining mental health. But hey, Ty Lee betrayed Azula too, right? Yes. But that doesn't change the fact that Mai did it first and she was sat at Azula's right hand. Mai never really feared Azula. She only followed her around out of her own will. Ty Lee on the other hand, when Azula recruits her at the circus, is found showing fear. She only had the guts to betray Azula after Mai did.

It really puts into perspective how Ty Lee couldn't betray Azula until provoked because she feared her, and Mai betrayed Azula because she didn't fear her enough. It further solidifies Azula's stellar line, "You should've feared me more!", insisting that if Mai had feared her more, she wouldn't have betrayed her. This especially holds true because it's later explained by Azula herself that, "Fear is the only reliable way." Fear kept Ty Lee in line but liberalised Mai cuz she didn't fear Azula more.

But all that goes out the window because Ty Lee betrayed Azula too. This is also one of the main reasons why Azula banishes most of the people around her. Because, "None of them can be trusted", and she trusted Mai as she knew Mai never feared her. It hurts her deeper because she trusted Mai and let her mantra of "Fear is the only reliable way" go, and guess what happens? She betrays her.

This solidifies three things in her brain: 1. Trust doesn't work, and, 2. Fear doesn't work either. 3. Nothing works, really.

Therefore, her action of banishing everybody with, "Sooner or later they all would've betrayed me."

This works for Exhibits A and B too. Long Feng never feared King Kuei and King Kuei completely trusted him until he learned of his betrayal. Trust didn't work, and fear didn't work either.

Zuko had never trusted his father. He only feared him. He has a physical scar on his body to prove it. But once that fear starts to deteriorate, he openly confronts his father and betrays him, letting go of his fear with, "It was cruel, and it was wrong!". Trust didn't work, and fear didn't work either.

So, what does work?

Well, the answer is pretty simple.

Love.

Love works. Any number and different kinds of love, be it platonic, or sibling, or romantic, it doesn't matter. It is foolproof!

Genuine care and affection for a person, doesn't let you betray them that easily. It's what made Sokka decide they should help Aang in Book 1. It's what made Yue turn into the moon. It's what made Toph come back to the Gaang again after she stormed off in Book 2. It's what made Aang come back for Bumi in Omashu in Book 2. It's what made Zuko find his path to Iroh again in Book 3.

The lack of love (from her own parents) is what made Azula's mental health deteriorate, as she thought nothing worked; it's depressing because she doesn't know that love actually works, cuz she's never known or experienced love her entire life, so she doesn't even consider it as an option.

The lack of love is what made the Dai Li betray Long Feng. The lack of it drove Zuko's betrayal to Ozai, Mai and Ty Lee's betrayal to Azula and even Jet's betrayal to Katara.

This could go on and on, but the end point here is that Azula's words on betrayal are true, but only when love is taken out of the equation. Love is the 'X' factor. Without it, there really is no equation, as all leads to zero.

[kityana]

i was going to add this to this post, but it got very long and a little off the topic and i didn't think it was fair so here goes.

i think there's a very good chance octavia isn't really aware of the situation between her parents.

in "loo loo land", octavia talks about her parents not loving each other as a new development.

when we know for a fact stolas and stella never got along, and seemed to dislike each other from the moment they became betrothed.

but in the trailer, she says "you never loved mother", so it seems like she recently realized that was the case. further more, she seems to put it in the same category of disappointment as the idea of stolas not loving her, too.

i think it's unfair to blame octavia for not noticing the dynamic between her parents sooner. for one thing, abusers are notoriously good at hiding their actions, and abuse victims very often hide their situation out of shame. this is doubly true for male victims of abuse, and even more so if the abuser is a woman. stolas himself says he put up with stella's behavior because he wanted to give octavia "a normal life", and i imagine that "normal life" did not entail knowing just how much her parents can't stand each other and how cruel her mother is to her father.

also, as @ceaselessims noted- octavia is rich and privileged. we base what we think is normal on our environment, and octavia's normal is not our normal. try putting yourself in her shoes- most of the people she knew her entire life were other royals. most of the relationship she saw were relationship between royals, probably the kind that is either arranged like her parents or made for other politically or monetarily advantageous reasons. that means most of the adult relationships around her weren't what we would consider loving, healthy adult romantic relationships. so the fact her parents were rarely if ever affectionate toward each other? to her that probably seemed normal. the fact they rarely seemed to spend time together unless they had to? again, normal. the tensions between them? stella's occasional snide remarks about stolas that stolas probably doesn't even address? normal, normal, normal.

i'd like to think that maybe at some point in the future, octavia willll spend some time with fizz and ozzie, or m&m, or any other actually healthy couple, and then the penny will drop that this is what an actually healthy, romantic adult relationship is supposed to look like.

but for now i'm thinking that for 17 years, as far as she could tell, her parents had a really ordinary, stable marriage of the kind she sees all around her. and then, one day, completely out of the blue, her father shatters it all with an affair. of course she's pissed at him. of course she mostly blames him for everything that's happening and seems more sympathetic to her mother. and of course that shakes the foundation of her trust in him, because as far as she can tell, he betrayed one person that was close to him, so who's to say he won't betray her, too?

and stolas isn't exactly helping things by seemingly not even attempting to explain the situation to octavia. i understand he's struggling with a lot, but keeping her completely in the dark is just letting her jump to her skewed conclusions, and it also gives stella a way to control the narrative, which i'm sure stella is going to take.

i think octavia will find out the truth eventually, and then i'm sure she won't take stella's side anymore after that happens. but i also think she's going to be very sad to know just how much stolas hid from her. that also seems like a betrayal of trust- that he couldn't trust her. their road to healing is going to be long and interesting, i think. and i can't wait to see it.

[middle-earth-mythopoeia]

No, Amazon’s Rings of Power is not “woke”

It annoys me so much when people complain about Rings of Power being “woke.” First of all, because of the way they overuse the word, woke has become a next-to-meaningless term that can be applied to anything conservatives don’t like. Second, Rings of Power is only progressive in the most surface-level way; underneath that it is in fact extremely regressive. People who whine about Rings of Power being woke are not only annoying, they’re also just plain wrong.

Ever since the casting was announced, right-wing idiots have been shrieking about Black actors being cast in Rings of Power. These trolls have made all kinds of dumb statements about how Middle-earth = Europe, but they seem willfully ignorant of the fact that Europe has never been exclusively white, and there is no reason to exclude people of color from the cast of any Tolkien adaptation. Still, this didn’t make the show progressive in its casting (which was tokenistic) or its writing (which ranges from bad to horrible).

For instance, the only storyline Amazon writers could apparently think of to introduce Arondir was literally him being enslaved. I mean, really? Is that really the best plotline to go with? To be clear, I’m not criticizing the actor, I’m criticizing the writing. In addition, Amazon cast actors of color overwhelmingly in parts invented for the show—rather than as actual Tolkien characters—which more easily allows them to be sidelined by the narrative, and the casting overall was in no way diverse enough. So I find it bizarre that people criticize the show for its so-called wokeness, when very little effort was made from a diversity and inclusion standpoint.

Right-wing nutjobs also threw a fit about Amazon portraying Galadriel as a warrior, to the point where they started calling her “Guyladriel.” They whined about Galadriel being too feminist and too masculine in the show, but that’s the opposite of what happened and betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of Galadriel as a character. First of all, she fought at Alqualondë in one version of the story, so no one should have a problem with her wielding a sword. What IS a problem is everything else about her portrayal.

Amazon’s writers took one of Tolkien’s most interesting characters and stripped her of her power, her authority, her gravitas, her wisdom, and her ambition. They had Gil-galad, her younger cousin, order her around. They had Elendil compare her to his children, even though she’s older than the sun and moon. And they made her a petty, naïve, incompetent brat whose entire first season involves being manipulated by Sauron, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, having a bizarre will-they-won’t-they relationship with him. In addition, Galadriel is canonically tall and strong, and one of her names means “man-maiden,” but they made her short and waif-like instead.

Galadriel in Amazon’s show doesn’t even resemble the character Tolkien wrote—the character named Nerwen, who never trusted Annatar, who certainly never had some creepy Reylo thing with him, who was powerful and wise and authoritative, who had a marvelous gift of insight into the minds of others—not a quippy, rude, annoying idiot who is constantly being controlled by the men around her. I don’t know why anyone would look at Rings of Power and think this portrayal is progressive. It’s actually a failure of imagination: Amazon’s writers literally cannot conceive of a powerful woman even when all of the work of imagining her has been done for them.

In addition to the faux-feminist-and-actually-sexist portrayal of Galadriel, Rings of Power is also on the whole weirdly regressive from the standpoint of gender roles and gender expression. Tolkien’s Elves are canonically tall, beautiful, and long-haired, regardless of gender. Tolkien’s Dwarves all have beards. So what did Amazon do? They gave most of their male Elves short hair, while the female Elves still have long hair, and they did away with female Dwarves’ beards. They patted themselves on the back for “letting” Galadriel fight, but don’t show other female warriors—in battle scenes, for instance, why are all the soldiers male? In general, they made their characters adhere to conservative gender roles and gender expression, which is especially glaring because it contradicts what Tolkien actually wrote.

On top of all this, they decided to throw in some anti-Irish stereotypes with a side of classism, just for fun. They had the ragged, dirty, primitive Harfoots speaking in Irish accents, while the regal, ethereal, advanced Elves speak with English accents. None of the actors playing the Harfoots are Irish themselves, to my knowledge, which makes the choice to have them speak this way especially questionable. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

All in all, it makes absolutely no fucking sense to criticize Rings of Power for being woke. It may look progressive on the surface because there’s a Black Elf and a woman with a sword, but that’s as far as it goes. The show isn’t particularly diverse to begin with, and it treats its characters of color poorly. Galadriel’s portrayal is disgustingly regressive, as is the show’s overarching take on gender. This is to say nothing of the caliber of the writing in general, which is unsurprisingly low. There is so much to criticize—like the nonsense about mithril, or the fact that Celebrimbor of all people doesn’t understand alloys, or the fact that you can apparently swim across the Sundering Seas now—which makes complaining about the show’s supposed wokeness especially irrational.

I also have to wonder if the people still whining about wokeness know anything about Tolkien’s works. Do they know that the crown of Gondor was based on the crown of the Pharaohs of Egypt? Do they know that Tolkien considered Byzantium the basis for Minas Tirith? Do they know that female warriors already exist in Tolkien’s books? Do they know when they rant about how much they hate “Guyladriel” that Amazon’s portrayal is actually too feminine? Ultimately, people who complain about wokeness in Rings of Power—or any Tolkien adaptation—are just betraying their own idiocy. I honestly think if Tolkien’s books were published now conservatives would scream that they’re woke too.

[andvys]

We'll burn the sky | part seven

Warnings: 18+, angst, mentions of cheating, heartbreak, mentions of unrequited love, a short amount of uhhhh... smut at the end

Pairings: Rockstar!Eddie Munson x rockstar!fem!reader | rockstar!Eddie Munson x Chrissy Cunningham | Steve Harrington x rockstar!fem!reader

Summary: You struggle to believe or trust Eddie and the others and while it all seems to fall apart and the pain begins to take a hold of you, one person might be able to fix it it; a little.

Word count: 7.9+

Author's note: not very satisfied with this chapter but I hope you're gonna like it! Also you can thank @mysticmunson for the amazing idea at the very end of this chapter hehe

series masterlist

-

Eddie stood there frozen in place, tears streaming down his cheeks. He experienced heartbreak before but not like this. 

His heart broke when his mom died. 

His heart broke when his father left him. 

His heart broke when friends betrayed him and turned against him when he was a young boy. 

His heart broke when Chrissy cheated on him. 

But his heart has never been in such pain the way it is right now. Deep down, he always knew that this would happen. Even if he had left her before you found out, you would have still found out about it at some point. What was he thinking?

To know that he was the one to ruin it all, makes the pain even worse. He was never one to be confident in himself– despite the act that he put on. He was insecure, unsure of himself and the self love was lacking too, perhaps that is why he forgave Chrissy after she had betrayed him. 

He didn’t think that he would find anyone that would be willing to be with him again, to stay with him. No one ever showed any interest in him, no one ever looked at him the way they looked at Steve Harrington, no one ever admired him, no one ever tried to flirt with him, no one ever asked him out. 

If anything, all they did was look at him in disgust and whisper behind his back. The giggles and the mean looks left an impact on him, it still hurt to think back on it– even now that he was somewhat famous and the girls were begging for his attention, he didn’t take any of them seriously, they only want him now because he is a known rockstar– not to mention that he doesn’t care about the girls that are just begging to be touched by him. There is only one girl that he wants and that is you– not Chrissy, not the other girls, just you. 

But he ruined it, he broke your heart in a way he never wanted to and he doesn’t know how to fix it or if you will ever let him. 

He wipes his tears away. His cheek still stings from Chrissy’s slap. 

Chrissy. 

He needs to leave her, he needs to break up with her. He has been dragging this on for long enough already. 

He makes his way to his hotel room, mind only focused on one thing; you. He doesn’t care about how his conversation with Chrissy will go, he just wants it to be over with but when he gets to his room, hoping to find her there, he finds it empty. She is gone and so are her things, the only thing she left behind is a note that she wrote for him. 

We’ll talk about this when you’re back in Hawkins. 

-Chrissy

“Fuck,” he mumbles as he stares at her handwriting. 

It’s over. 

It’s over for them. 

What else is there to talk about?

Eddie refused to touch her last night, he even refused to kiss her, feeling like he was cheating on you when he touched her. It was bad enough that she snuggled into his arms at night. Her touch felt foreign now and it left him with nothing but a coldness in his heart. It wasn’t the same, she is not you. 

Two years ago, he would have kept her note, today he throws it in the trash. 

Sitting down on the bed, he leans his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands. 

How could everything go wrong so fast? 

‘I'll stay for the rest of the tour but the moment it's over, the moment we're back in LA, I'm out and I never want to see you again after this, Eddie.’ 

The thought of you leaving, breaks his heart even more. He can’t stand the thought of living a life without you.

-

You’re the first one on the bus, sitting on the leather seats in the lounge area, you stare at the tour diary with a scowl on your face, the memory of the first tour day leaves a sour taste in your mouth. 

You feel ridiculous, you feel like a fool for believing Eddie and the others so blindly. 

“Hey.” 

You look up to find Jeff walking towards you, a guilt look resting on his face as your eyes lock. 

You nod at him before you turn away, pulling your knees up to your chest, you look out of the window. Eddie and Rob are still outside, talking to each other as they smoke their last cigarette before getting on the bus. 

Jeff sighs, sitting down next to you. 

“Y/n,” he says softly, “I’m so sorry.” 

You shake your head, “what exactly are you sorry for?” 

“Everything. I-I should’ve told you about her. I told him that he shouldn’t keep that from you, that he should be honest– from the start but he.. he was an idiot.” 

You scoff at his words, “yeah he is,” you nod, “why didn’t you tell me?” you ask as you finally turn back to look at your friend. 

“I was hoping that he would tell you.”

“Oh come on, Jeff,” you mumble, “you all kept it from me, none of you ever mentioned her, he didn’t, you didn’t and I think we all know why.” 

Jeff shakes his head, furrowing his brows at your words. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You were all using me– my family name for this,” you gesture to the tour bus, “this is why you all kept the truth from me. You only wanted me for one reason, for this band, so the label wouldn’t drop you and while you were at it, you all decided to make a big joke out of me too, letting Eddie play with me, with my fucking feelings.” 

“What? No!” he shakes his head as he stares at you with a shocked look in his eyes, “y/n, no! That’s not what happened, like at all!” 

“No one and I mean no one used you! Not me, not the others, not Eddie!” he exclaims, “shit, Eddie didn’t even know who you were until after you joined the band, he didn’t know who your dad was!” 

The angry look on your face falters a little. 

“He didn’t?” 

Jeff shakes his head, “no, he found out after you joined our first meeting with Sam, when you were already in the band! Sam told him– shit, Eddie was surprised when he found out! His uncle, Wayne, is obsessed with your dad’s music,” he says, “but Eddie wanted you in the band from the start, without knowing who you were. I mean, we were the skeptic ones, we didn’t want another addition to the band, we thought we were good enough but Eddie convinced us to let you join us the day before we practiced together for the first time and we are pretty fucking happy that he did because you did make the band better and now we have all of this, thanks to you! You mean a lot to all of us, you’re not just a friend, you’re family, y/n.”

Family. You’ve lost family before and despite the anger that you were feeling since yesterday, despite wanting nothing more than to disappear, you don’t want to leave this family even if that would be best for you.

“But you don’t hurt your family,” you mumble, playing with your fingers as you look away from him. 

Jeff looks at you with sadness and regret in his eyes. He had enough chances to tell you about Chrissy and yet he kept it from you just the way Eddie did. 

“I’m really sorry. I wanted to tell you but I’ve had faith in Eddie,” he mumbles regretfully, “that was dumb.” 

You snort at his words, “yes it was.” 

“I get if you wanna keep your distance from us but uh just know that we all care a lot about you. He does too, even if you don’t believe it.” 

You look back at him with an irritated look in your eyes, “how can I? He knew what would happen, he led me on all this time. If he cared about me, he wouldn’t have done this to me. He wouldn’t keep his girlfriend a secret and lead me on all these months!” 

“He is not happy with her–”

You scoff, shaking your head. You clench your jaw, the anger inside of you coming back at his words.

“Oh, so he used me to make himself feel better–”

“No–”

“Yes! If he was so unhappy with her, he could have left her but he didn’t and he is still with her even after everything so don’t sit here and tell me that he cares about me because he doesn’t. He never cared about me, he never wanted me, he never had any fucking feelings for me. I was nothing but a fucking placeholder– the moment she was back, he spent the night with her, would someone who cares about me do that?” 

Jeff sighs sadly, looking down with the same guilt as before in his eyes as he shakes his head slowly, unable to look into your glassy eyes. 

“Right,” you scoff angrily, “I’m so fucking stupid, I’m such a fool,” you laugh, shaking your head. 

“You weren’t stupid and you’re not a fool, y/n. Please don’t say that.” 

Your head snaps up at the sound of Gareth’s voice, his eyes are filled with just as much guilt as in Jeff’s eyes. 

You rise to your feet and take a deep breath as you look up at the ceiling, “yes, I am,” you mumble, “I’m a fucking fool for believing that I could have something for myself for once. I-I thought that I could have this and him and I thought that we,” you pause as you gesture between the three of you, “I thought we were friends, I thought we were a family but you all lied to me, you all watched him using me and you said fucking nothing! You could have told me from the start–” 

“We are a family!” Gareth says as he steps towards you, “he wasn’t using you!” 

“He has a fucking girlfriend, Gareth!” you say angrily as tears of frustration build up in your eyes. 

“She’s a bitch!” Gareth exclaims, throwing his hands up, “no one fucking likes her– Eddie doesn’t even like her anymore, she’s the whole fucking reason why he wanted to leave Hawkins in the first place.” 

You scrunch your face up at his words, “what?” 

“Gareth,” Jeff sighs, rolling his eyes. 

“She kept hurting him and wanted things from him that he couldn’t give her, she wants a life that he doesn’t even want.” 

You blink in disbelief, crossing your arms over your chest, you shake your head. 

“Yet he is still with her!” 

“Because he is a fucking coward, he doesn’t know how to break things off with her even after she cheated on him.” 

“What?” you ask, eyes widening in shock. 

“She cheated on him with Jason– her ex boyfriend, who by the way always had it out for Eddie.” 

You tense up at his words, staring at him for a moment. 

She cheated on him and he stayed with her. 

She cheated on him and he forgave her. 

You raise your eyebrows as you piece everything together. 

Eddie never told you anything about her, he hid his relationship from you. He lied to you about his phone call with her. He made the first moves, he was the one who initiated the affection on stage, he was the one who picked out the cover photo for the album, he was the one who touched you affectionately in public and eventually, he kissed you and touched you in ways he shouldn’t have. 

He did it because he knew she would see it all. 

He did it to get back at her. 

He did it to hurt her the way she hurt him. 

He did it to get even. 

He used you and no one can convince you otherwise. 

Your silence and the hurt look on your face makes Gareth regret his words, he stares at you in concern, just the way Jeff does. 

So, maybe he didn’t use you for the music or for the band but he used you for something entirely else, something that hurts so much more. 

You hear his footsteps as he joins you all on the bus, he approaches you carefully, a soft look in his eyes as they fall on you. You raise your head, looking at him with tears in your eyes, again. God, you’re already sick of crying. 

The sadness in his eyes and the expression of heartbreak on his face isn’t making this any easier for you. To look at him hurts you even more. To look into those brown eyes and not feel your heart hurting will be impossible. Loving him came so easy to you. This love was something that you have always dreamed about, that you have always hoped for and when you finally had it, you actually felt like you were in a dream but now you have woken up to a nightmare and a future filled with nothing but pain and heartache. 

Eddie sees the pain and the tears in your eyes, a knowing look residing in those sad eyes of yours. Gareth shifts uncomfortably and Jeff avoids looking at him. 

What did they tell you? 

He tilts his head a little, the urge to walk over to you and pull you into his arms is strong. 

You shake your head, quickly wiping away a fallen tear, you put on a brave face, not wanting anyone to see how hurt you really are. 

“Just leave me alone, all of you. It’s bad enough that I’m stuck here with you until the end of the tour,” you mumble in anger, “I don’t want to hear any of your bullshit lies anymore. You got your fucking tour, your fame, your money, you got everything you wanted– you’re fucking welcome for that, assholes.”

“Great job, man,” Jeff mumbles as he watches you walk away. 

“Shit,” Gareth mutters under his breath.

“W-What happened?” Eddie asks, nervously, eyes darting. 

“She thinks you’re using her,” Jeff says before he looks back to Gareth, “and this dumbass here, told her that Chrissy cheated on you, thinking that he’s helping but I’m guessing it gives her all the more reasons to think that you’ve been using her considering you’re still with her,” Jeff mumbles, glaring at his friends. 

Fuck. 

Eddie takes in a sharp breath at his words. 

This just keeps getting messier and the more you find out, the more he feels like he will never be able to fix things with you. It took a lot for him to even gain your trust but you gave him your all. You gave him your trust, you gave him your love, you gave him your heart, you gave him pieces of you that no one has ever even come close to getting. 

He was the first one to ever make you feel like you could let yourself fall, like you could trust him wholeheartedly.

For the first time in your life, you thought that you could be genuinely happy, you thought that he would be the one to protect you, to take care of you, to love you, to stay. 

You trusted him blindly and gave him your heart. 

And now you were left empty and broken. 

How will you ever make it through this tour when you have to be around the one that hurt you so badly? 

How will you ever make it through this Christmas with a broken heart and so much pain in your soul? 

-

Indianapolis was only a two hours drive away from your last destination, something you felt very grateful for. Being on this tour bus made you feel worse and worse the more time has passed since you got back on it. 

You were excited to check into your new hotel room and be all by yourself but Rob had different plans, convincing you to join him and the guys for dinner. You didn’t want to be around them longer than necessary but saying no to him made you feel guilty. He did nothing but show you kindness and has taken over Sam’s overprotective nature. 

The feeling of Eddie’s eyes on you made your skin crawl, he kept trying to get your attention, looking at you with those big puppy eyes that you so easily fell in love with and every time you looked into his eyes, you had to force yourself to look away. 

You zoned out of most of the conversations. Not wanting to be a part of any of them, not wanting to talk to Eddie or the others.

But as they switched the topic to Christmas, your ears perked up as they all spoke of the traditions in their family. 

Eddie was quiet and so were you. 

There are no Christmas traditions for you. A holiday that you used to love was just tainted now, every year you had to be reminded of the awful day you’ve found your dad lying on the bathroom floor with no life left in him. 

You just want this holiday to pass quickly, you’re gonna spend it in some motel room in Hawkins. 

Hawkins. 

You were excited to see where it all started for the guys, you were excited to meet Eddie’s uncle and his friends, he talked about them all the time and was excited to introduce you to all of them, he wanted to show you the hideout where they had performed every Tuesday. Was he also excited to introduce you to her? 

What was he thinking when he made all those plans with you when he had a girl there waiting for him? 

Did he want to introduce you to each other?

Did he plan to humiliate you in front of her and his friends? 

Did he want everyone to know what a fool he has made of you? 

The anger rises in you quickly and angry tears threaten to spill as you stare down at your lap. 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. 

Eddie watches you in concern, your chest is rising up and down heavily, your hands are clenched, fingernails digging into your palms, you look angry and hurt. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to fly home for Christmas?” Rob asks you, pulling you out of your thoughts. 

For a moment, you just stare into blank space, blinking your tears away before you turn to look at him, ignoring all the worried looks from the others. 

You nod. 

“Don’t you want to see your friends?”

You shake your head, “no uh– they always spend Christmas with their families so I wouldn’t see them anyways,” you shrug.

And you don’t want them to find out about what happened. 

Rob nods, giving you a sad smile. 

“I’ll just have an extra long break I guess,” you chuckle, already feeling miserable about spending a week cooped up in some motel room in a small town.

Eddie looks down at his hands. 

‘Come home with me.’ 

He wishes he could say those words to you. 

“We can hang out,” Jeff says, giving you a hopeful smile. 

“Yeah and you can spend Christmas with us, my mom would love to have you over, she likes you more than me.” 

You snort at his words. 

You wanna stay mad at him but it’s difficult to do so. Having Gareth in your life feels like having a younger brother– an annoying younger brother but one that you still love and care for no matter what. 

Covering for Eddie was so wrong and not telling you the truth was wrong too but judging by the way he talked to Chrissy, you can tell that he doesn’t like her so he really didn’t care about Eddie’s relationship and what would happen to it when she found out about you. Still, it’s wrong. 

“Yeah, I wonder why,” you snort. 

“Hey!” he gasps. 

“I bet she wanted a daughter but got you instead.” 

Jeff snorts at your words while Gareth stares at you in shock. 

Eddie stares at you, watching as you try to eat some of the fries only to push the plate away from you again after a few bites. 

“Are you excited for the concert tomorrow night, Eddie?” Rob asks. He leans back in his chair, bringing his hand up to his face, he strokes his graying beard. 

Eddie tears his eyes from you, “huh?” 

Rob chuckles, repeating his question, “because of your uncle, you said he’s coming, right?” 

Suddenly his eyes widen when he remembers. After all the events from yesterday, he completely forgot that Wayne is coming to the show. 

You glance at Eddie and he immediately looks at you. 

“Yeah, I’m excited,” he mumbles, gazing into your eyes.

Rob nods, he looks around, eyes moving back and forth between you and Eddie, “you two should get some rest, you both look exhausted. You got two shows here and uh– an appointment.” 

At that, everyone turns to look at him with a mixture of a frown and confusion on their faces. 

Eddie crosses his arms over his chest, raising his brows in question. 

“W-What do you mean?” Gareth laughs nervously, scratching the back of his neck. 

“You got an interview with the press, they’re just gonna ask a few questions, won’t last longer than an hour,” he explains, trying not to freak anyone out. 

“Holy shit,” Jeff mumbles, “we’re famous enough for interviews?” 

“Of course we are, man,” Gareth scoffs, flicking his hair. 

You roll your eyes.

While they are somehow amused and excited about the news, you are nervous and anxious about it. The press can be harsh, the journalists can be disrespectful and their questions can be downright cruel. You know what kinds of questions they have asked your dad, how awful and mean they could be. 

And you can already imagine what kinds of questions they will ask you. They will go easy on the guys but they won’t go easy on you. You are the only woman, surrounded by a bunch of guys, you are a former rockstar’s daughter, a lot of pictures of you and Eddie partying already exist– this is going to be a disaster. 

“You’ve got two days to prepare for it, it’s gonna be fine.” 

Right. 

You’re the first one to leave the diner, pulling the jacket tighter around you as you step out into the cold. Your hands are freezing already and your jacket is surely not made for this weather. 

The streets are white, snowflakes are falling from the sky as the wind howls through the trees. You rub your arms, looking up into the night sky, you think back to your younger self and how she always wished for the cold and the snow during Christmas time, your dad would always laugh and shake his head, telling you that you would hate the cold. 

He was right. 

You hate the cold, it only makes you feel more empty. 

“You need a warmer jacket if you wanna survive the cold here.” 

You roll your eyes.

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re freezing,” Eddie points out as he stops next to you, placing a cigarette between his lips and lighting it with his red lighter. 

You don’t respond to him. 

He turns away from you, blowing the smoke into a different direction before he turns back to you. He has been meaning to talk to you about what Gareth told you earlier today but he didn’t know how to approach you or how to start a conversation with you again after what happened at the hotel this morning. 

He stares at you, something that would’ve made you blush under different circumstances but now it just irritates you. The smell of his cigarette and his presence is enough to irritate you. 

“I’m leaving,” you announce before you walk away from him, hoping that he won’t follow but that would’ve been too easy, you will never be able to shake Eddie Munson off of you again. 

“Don’t you want to wait for the others?” 

“No.” 

Eddie follows you, hurrying to catch up with you. 

“Do you think I’ll let you walk back to the hotel by yourself?” 

You scoff, "why, are you scared that some other douchebag will try to convince me to join his band?” 

Eddie frowns at your words. 

“It’s dangerous.” 

“Yeah, being around you was dangerous too but I’m still here,” you exclaim with a fake smile as you roll your eyes at him. 

He speaks your name softly. 

“Just leave me alone, Eddie. I don’t want to talk to you,” you mumble, “and I don’t want to see you either.” 

It hurts. It’s his own fault but it still hurts, a lot. 

“Please–”

“Jesus, just shut up, Eddie. I don’t want to talk to you!” 

The hurt look that flashes in his eyes is almost enough to make you feel guilty so you quickly look back, focusing on the street in front of you instead. 

“If you wanna walk with me, at least be quiet.” 

He nods.

He stays quiet for the next five minutes. Smoking his cigarette and giving you the silence that you wanted. The only sounds that echo through the big city are the cars that are driving by you, surprisingly enough you don’t see many people around. 

You hate the way you still feel so comfortable around him, you hate the way you still long for his touch, you hate the way he makes you feel. 

“I know you won’t believe me but I never used you to get back at her if that’s what you’re thinking.” 

You tense up at his words but continue to look forward as you keep walking. 

“No?” 

He shakes his head even though you’re still not looking at him, “no, it was never about that.” 

“Then what was it about?” you ask, sighing in relief when you see the hotel you are staying at, you just wanna leave the conversation and him. 

“I just wanted you, there was no motive behind it, I just liked you and I wanted you and over time it just turned into something more,” he explains, hoping that this will ease some tension between you. 

You halt in your tracks and he does too. 

“You lied and you cheated just like she did. If you’re asking me, it’s a match made in heaven,” you mumble as you look down. 

“Y/n, please–”

“You are still with her, Eddie. Don’t talk to me about this– this thing that happened between us when you are still with her,” you pause, “it’s not fair.” 

“I don’t want to be with her.” 

You close your eyes and sigh. 

“I’ve felt that way for a long time now–”

“Then why didn’t you break up with her?” 

“I wanted but when I got back to my room, she was already gone–”

You look up at him, “no, why didn’t you break up with her earlier if you didn’t want to be with her anymore?” 

He blinks, sadness flashing in his eyes when he sees the tears in your eyes, “because I was a fool, I didn’t know how, she’s so far away, I didn’t want to do it on the phone, I didn’t want to be an asshole and hurt her.”

Your heart aches at his words. He looks into your eyes so deeply. How can you not get emotional when he does that?

“If you wanted to leave her so badly, if you wanted to break things off with her then why did you kiss her, why did you sleep with her again, why did you do all that with her in front of me? I-If I was in your situation and I would’ve still been with that other person for whatever reason and they came to see me after I’ve just spend months kissing and touching you, after I’ve just kissed you moments ago, I would have never touched them again, I would have never kissed them again, I would have never done what you did,” you voice cracks and tears fall from your eyes once again today, “I would’ve never done this to you, Eddie.” 

Despite what you believe, it hurts him so much to see you like that, to see you suffer as much as you do because of him. 

He wants nothing more than to wipe your tears away and pull you into his arms and never let you go. 

But he stands frozen in place, he doesn’t speak up, he doesn’t tell you that he didn’t sleep with her, that he didn’t kiss her. 

“It hurts so much, Eddie,” you whisper, “you hurt me so much and I never thought that you would do this, I thought that you would keep me safe.” 

Tears blur his vision, the weight of your words lie heavy on his heart. 

“I hate this feeling and I hate that it was you who put me here and I hate that I still want you.” 

His eyes widen at your words. Despite the tone you used and the look of anger in your eyes when you said that to him, he still feels his heart fluttering. 

You are angry and sad but he doesn’t know which emotion is stronger right now. 

“I want you too,” he whispers, taking a step towards you but still keeping some distance, scared to make you uncomfortable, “I never wanted anyone the way I want you, y/n.” 

You roll your eyes and turn away from him, wrapping your arms around yourself, you bite down on your lip as you try to blink the tears away; already feeling sick of crying.

“Stop bullshitting me.” 

Eddie feels hopeless. He knows you won’t believe him, he can tell you anything to try and make you believe his words but it won’t change anything. It’s over. You have built your walls up again, higher than they were before. You might be vulnerable now and show him the pain that he has caused but it’s different now than how it was before. 

“I’m not– I’m not bullshitting you,” he sighs. He looks at you through his bangs as he plays with the rings on his fingers, “what can I do to make you believe me?”

“Nothing,” you scoff, “I just want you to leave me alone, Eddie. I’ll stay.. for now, I won’t change anything about our performances, I’ll pretend to be your friend in front of the press and the fans, I don’t want any drama but just give me space.” 

How you went from being his friend to pretending to be his friend pains him more than anything. 

He looks down, unable to look into your angry eyes any longer, “okay,” he whispers as he keeps looking at the snowy ground. 

You sniffle, mumbling some coherent words under your breath before you leave him standing there. 

He finally looks up, watching as you walk into the hotel with your head down. 

He smokes another cigarette before he walks in after you. 

Tonight will be the first night in months that he will sleep alone, without you there, without you in his arms.

It will be a sleepless and awful night, not just for him, for you too. 

You place your hand on your stomach, feeling sick at the thought of what he did with her after being with you. You weren’t sure whether he had sex with her last night or not but his silence confirmed it. 

He slept with her, he kissed her, he held her in his arms while you cried your eyes out. The thought makes your heart hurt even more, how little he cares about you when you thought that you had meant something to him. 

-

You sit in front of the vanity, looking into the mirror, ignoring the tired look on your face as you touch up your makeup. 

The smell of hairspray and perfume lingers in the room. 

The sound of music and the sound crew rushing outside of the room makes the room feel less silent. 

Usually, Eddie would be here with you, peppering kisses along your neck as you’d get ready for the show but he isn’t here with you and he never will be again; not after everything that happened. 

The mixture of sadness and anger lies heavy in your heart but what overweighs it all is the pain, the kind that you have gotten to know for the very first time. Getting your heart broken by someone you fell so deeply in love with hurts more than you imagined. 

You don’t know what to do with yourself. 

On one hand, you want nothing more than to break down again, cry yourself to sleep and never leave your room again but on the other hand, you want nothing more than to get revenge, make him and the others regret for using you and hurting you like that. 

Sighing, you place the lipstick on the table and run your fingers through your hair before you get up, checking yourself and the outfit you picked out one more time. You smoothe the skirt down and fix the tights, pulling your necklace out from beneath your shirt. 

You eye the bottle of whiskey on the table behind you, contemplating on having another drink before the show but deciding against it in the end. 

Leaving the room, you suddenly feel your heart pounding in your chest. Feeling slightly overwhelmed by the stress that occurs before each concert– you never really paid attention to it, always too focused on him and your nervous state to notice anything else around you. 

Someone brushes past you, mumbling out an apology as they carry a box in their hand. You find Rob talking to the stage manager, smiling a little too widely at her words. You smile a little. In all this time you have never seen him flirting or showing interest in anyone.

She touches his arm, laughing at something he said. Rob’s eyes light up. 

You don't see the way someone is staring at you, you don't feel the pair- two pairs of eyes on you.

"Wow," Steve mumbles, cutting Eddie off mid speech, who looks at him in confusion before he turns to look at what he is staring.

Yeah, wow. That's what he feels like whenever he sees you.

"She's so pretty- no fuck, she is perfect," Steve blushes, taking in the sight of you.

Eddie doesn't like the way his friend is staring at you but he nods, "yeah, she is."

"Is she single?"

"Dude," Eddie grumbles.

"What? If she's single, I might as well shoot my shot, I got nothing to lose," Steve snorts, not noticing the disapproving look on his friend's face.

"Not happening."

"Why not?" he asks, eyes flashing with curiosity.

Eddie's composure falters a little, "because she's... because she is my-"

Steve raises his brows.

"Friend, because she is my friend," Eddie mumbles, speaking the word with such distaste. He doesn't want you to be his friend, he wants you to be more than that.

"Eddie."

At the sound of your voice, both men turn to look at you. Eddie watches as you eye Steve with a smile on your face.

"Who's this pretty boy?" you question even though you are fully aware of who he is.

While Steve's eyes widen and his eyes light up, Eddie stares at you, feeling irritated. He can see the look of mischief in your eyes. You tilt your head, giving him a fake smile before you turn back to Steve.

His brown eyes are warm, soft, pretty– he is pretty, even prettier in person. 

He licks his lips, smirking when he notices you checking him out.

"I'm Steve."

"And I'm y/n," you smile as you hold your hand out for him. He takes it with a smile on his face, shaking it. He lets his fingers linger on your skin for a moment before he pulls his hand back again.

Eddie frowns at the eye contact.

You raise your brows in surprise, “I didn’t know you invited your friend, I thought your uncle was coming?” 

Eddie looks down, “he couldn’t make it so Steve came.” 

"Oh- well, I'm happy to finally meet you."

"Likewise, Eddie told me a lot about you."

Eddie watches the way your smile falters a little, eyes flashing with hurt, something that doesn't go unnoticed by Steve.

“Well, he talks a lot about you too,” you say, flashing Eddie a smile as well. You might be very hurt and mad but you don’t want to make his friend uncomfortable. It’s bad enough that Rob has witnessed what went down between the two of you, you don’t need anyone else to find out– for all you know, he thinks that you are nothing more than friends. 

Eddie is surprised by the way you can act as though nothing ever happened when you undoubtedly cried in the changing room before you came out here. 

“Good things, I hope?” Steve questions, smiling nervously as he looks over at his friend. 

You chuckle as you look back at him, “oh for sure, Stevie.” 

Steve raises his eyebrows at you, smirking once again. 

He is amused unlike Eddie, who looks bitter and mad at your interaction with his friend. 

“I actually named my car Stevie.” 

“Oh, is that so?” 

You nod, “mhmm, she’s a beauty.” 

“I bet,” Steve mumbles, eying you up and down, not noticing the glare that he is receiving from his friend, “just like her owner.” 

You roll your eyes playfully and giggle. 

Eddie sighs in annoyance, shaking his head as he looks away with a frown on his face, “I’ll be right back,” he mumbles before he makes his way towards Rob. 

Steve places his palm against the wall as he leans closer to you. He watches Eddie walk away but turning around to take another look at you, the sadness and the jealousy is hard to miss, it confuses him a little, Eddie has a girlfriend. 

“So do you like any of our songs or are you just here to support Eddie?” 

“Uh, of course!” Steve exclaims, “been listening to the album on repeat. You’ve made the band into something else! They also play it on the radio a lot.” 

He leans closer, looking down at you with a smile on his face, “and don’t tell Eddie but I actually only started liking the band since you joined.” 

You giggle, “oh?” 

“Wasn’t really my type of music,” he shrugs, “but your songs and you? I could listen to you all day.” 

Oh, wow. 

Eddie wasn’t lying when he told you that Steve was a flirt and it was never hard for him to pull girls left and right. Not only is he gorgeous and sweet, he also knows how to flirt with just his eyes. 

“You could, huh?” 

He nods, “yeah,” he murmurs, eyes flickering down to your lips, “you have the prettiest voice and you’re pretty– even prettier in person.” 

You can’t even help but chuckle at his words. He has only known you for a few minutes and he is already giving his all to get into your pants. 

“You’re bad, Steve.” 

“Mhmm,” he smirks, watching the way, your eyes dart between his eyes and his lips, “so are you.” 

“No, I’m not.” You bat your eyelashes at him, “if I was bad, I’d ask you to stick around after the show so I could fuck you on the tour bus like the others do with the groupies,” you shrug. 

Surprised by your bluntness, he laughs. 

“And you wouldn’t do that, would you?” 

You shake your head, giving him an innocent smile, “no, I wouldn’t. I don't do such things.” 

“Well, that's too bad. I’m still going to stick around, honey.” 

You bite your lip, trying to contain the smirk. 

"For Eddie?" you smirk.

He shakes his head as he eyes your lips.

“You wanna be a groupie, Steve?”

“And so what if I do?” he asks, stepping even closer to you. 

You smell his cologne, his aftershave and a hint of spearmint. You let your eyes roam, eyeing his hands, the muscles that he is hiding under his shirt– god, this man is hot, not like Eddie but still hot. 

“You don’t even know me.”

“We’ll get to know each other,” he shrugs. 

You giggle, “you wanna play 21 questions while you take my clothes off?” 

His eyes darken at your words, a low chuckle leaving his lips. 

“I’d be open to it.” 

“Well,” you whisper as you look up at him, “then stick around, honey,” you say as you place your hand on his chest, letting your fingers linger on his necklace.

His eyes light up at your words. 

“You ever been with a rockstar before?” you ask with a smirk on your face. 

“No but I always wanted to.” 

“Well, you might get lucky tonight," you say, smirking at the excited look in his eyes, "I mean there's a few rockstars tonight, most of the guys in the band are still single you know? There's also an opening act with a very hot drummer. You can live the groupie life tonight, Steve," you whisper in his ear before you walk off.

He suddenly grows red, blushing at your teasing but he chuckles when you turn around to wink at him.

And while Steve feels nothing but excitement. Eddie feels anger like he has never felt before, his eyes are filled with rage and his hands are clenched into fists as he watches you flirt with his friend. 

He wonders if you are doing it to spite him, to hurt him the way he hurt you or if you are doing it because you are genuinely interested in Steve. In all this time, you have been on tour, you haven’t flirted with anyone other than him– well, you kissed a fan but that was one time. You never actually took anyone on the tour bus or back to the hotel with you, like Gareth but something tells him that that will change tonight and the thought of it, makes him jealous and miserable. 

The thought of another man touching you makes him feel sick. He should be the one, not Steve, not anyone else. 

Yet, he can’t do anything about it. 

He can’t do anything about the gazes between the two of you during the concert. 

He can’t do anything about the way you keep flirting with each other afterwards. 

He can’t stop you from showing interest in somebody else, you aren’t his and yet it hurts so horribly. 

At the afterparty, he quickly finds himself regretting even attending. He watches you flirt with his friend, not even sparing him a single glance. You laugh and smile at anything he says, letting him touch your thigh and brush your hair back to whisper in your ear.

It hurts.

It hurts to see you like that with someone else.

It hurts to watch you touching someone else, knowing that it was him that you had touched not even a week back.

All sorts of emotions rush through him but especially jealousy. He feels miserable. His friends are all having fun, while he sits in a corner, sipping on his whiskey before he finally calls it a night and hides away in his hotel room, thinking about you while you are not thinking about him at all.

While Eddie feels the pain of losing you, you forget all about it.

You forget about the pain and the heartache for a moment, your mind is elsewhere as you let Steve– who is technically a stranger, touch your bare body with his hands. 

You let him kiss you, you let him mark you up, you let him taste you, you let him fuck you. 

And he does it rather disrespectfully to your surprise. Filthy words fall from his lips as he fucks you into the mattress, making you whimper and moan his name, chanting it like a prayer. 

“You’re so fucking perfect, baby,” he moans, slapping your ass roughly, earning another loud moan from you.

“So perfect,” he grunts as he feels you squeezing around him, “so fucking tight and wet for me.” 

“S-Steve….” you whimper. 

Tears run down your cheek, your lips are wet and parted, gasps and moans falling from them as you feel his big cock pounding into you. 

He pulls out, slapping your ass one more time, he chuckles darkly as you whine, he flips you over on your back, grabbing your legs to wrap them around his waist. His forehead is sweaty, eyes dark, a few strands of his hair fall in front of his eyes, “didn’t think you’d be so submissive, pretty girl,” 

Something inside of you snaps at his comment, you easily flip him over, surprising both him and yourself by your strength. He gasps as you sink down on his dick and moan into his neck. 

He grabs your waist tightly and whimpers, “oh fuck…. oh baby, I’m not gonna–” he pauses, moaning even louder than before when he feels you clenching around him, “not gonna last… long, fuck.” 

You kiss his neck, reaching for his hair to tug at it, “didn’t think you’d be so submissive, pretty boy,” you tease him. 

He grabs your neck and pulls you back so he can see your face, smirking when you another loud gasp leaves your lips as he starts to fuck into you from beneath, “i’m still the one in charge, honey.” 

You quickly lose your composure again, clinging to him as you feel him hitting every right spot.

“Oh…. n-no problem….” you whimper, “you’re so big…Steve..”.

He smashes his lips against yours, kissing you roughly as you start riding him. He savors the kiss, he savors the touch, he savors the feeling of your skin against his. He fucks you roughly but he touches you gently. 

He kisses you passionately, he kisses you as though you are his, as though he has known you for a long time, as though you didn’t just meet, as though you aren’t strangers. 

And he makes you forget, even if just for a moment, he makes you forget about all the pain Eddie has caused, he makes you forget about the damage that Eddie has done to your heart, he makes you forget about the betrayal that you feel so deep in your soul. He makes you forget about everything. 

He might have saved you from numbing your pain with something else. 

And while you don’t think about him, he thinks about you, all night.  

He lies awake and misses the feeling of you in his arms. He misses the feeling of your touch. He misses the feeling of your lips on his neck and on his lips. He misses you so badly. 

He wonders if you miss him too. 

But when he leaves his room the next morning and he sees you leaving yours, he quickly realizes that you’re not alone and that you never missed him. 

Your gasp echoes through the empty hallway as Steve smacks your ass and pulls you back into his chest to kiss your neck, you giggle and lean into his touch the way you would do with him. 

Eddie’s heart stops beating for a moment and he watches the scene unfold with a shocked and hurt expression on his face. His lips part in surprise, a frown appears on his face. 

Jealousy, anger and sadness rush through him. 

But also the feeling of betrayal. 

Was it so easy for you to move on? 

You have just been in his arms two days ago and now you were in another man’s arms, in his friend’s arms. Somehow, this hurts more than when his girlfriend betrayed him. 

-

Follow @andvyswritingss and turn on notifications so you won't miss the new chapters

tagging some mutuals & close friends <;3

@prettyboyeddiemunson @littledemondani @wroteclassicaly @corrodedcorpses @mysticmunson @yearwalker96 @aftermidnightwriting @imjuststeddietrashatthispoint

[cat-mentality]

One day people on this forsaken site will realize Cellbit is not nearly as trusting and naive as he makes himself to be, and that is the day I will finally be at peace.

Cellbit knows he isn't trusted!

He has known this since the very moment he got back and he acts accordingly because this man values trust and loyalty more than anything and he knows how to protect himself, it's just that the way he chose to go about it is not the way people expected.

The Order is an open secret. Because Cellbit wants it to be. He wants people to be included in the investigation, he wants to show them that they are trying to go against the Federation, that they are the problem and leaving the Island should be a main goal. Even if some of the members are so very obviously very fine with said Federation he still wants them to know what is going on.

Foolish is a friend. We all joke that Cellbit is his biggest apologist and honestly I think there is a bit of truth here in the way Cellbit remembers how, even in the middle of his darkest moment, Foolish was still there, he was one of the people who didn't judge him for any of his actions and that is a very important ally to have.

I think Cellbit also understands that Silly Guy Foolish is much more clever than anyone gives him credit for, and much darker as well, and in the end he will choose the side that benefits him and his family more.

And Cellbit wants that side to be the Order, not only as "fuck you" to the Federation, but because he sees a friend in Foolish. Is he someone he really trusts with all his secrets? Absolutely no, but he is someone he cares about and care for him is very tightly connected to trust.

And Jaiden!!!!! Cellbit knows Jaiden is very fond of Cucurucho but she is also someone he cares about, someone who is also very dear to his husband, and he also knows very well what loneliness can push you to do. He doesn't want her to feel excluded because he understands that will be the quickest way of shoving her into the Federation's arms.

So he keeps her close. He shows her the games the Federation plays with them, he exposes their cruelty and manipulation, he offers her a place and he hopes that it will be enough.

Cellbit has experience with how quickly things can go downhill in a group when he refuses to share knowledge with people, when he tries to control them. And he is not that man anymore, he is not the man who isolates himself to the point he has no one to watch his back.

But there are very few people who Cellbit trusts with his darkest secrets, with all the information he has collected. Richas, Roier and Forever. Those are the people who he knows have his back, the ones who would never willingly betray him as long as they could and those are the people Cellbit allows access to his true investigation, mas has a literal hidden room in his castle to store the important things he finds and that literally only his close family even knows that exists.

He doesn't show all his cards even if he does share much of what he finds- The truly sensitive shit? The mysteries without a conclusion? Those Cellbit keeps close to his chest, to be shared as the need arrives, if it ever does.

And also, Cellbit is fucking good liar.

So good in fact that he has managed to trick everyone into thinking he is a bad one. So when he does have to actually lie nobody bats an eye because they don't believe he is capable of lying so easily.

[maevelin]

Colin Bridgerton needs to suffer meta.

Wait...wait...hear me out first!

I am one of those fans that want to see Colin Bridgerton SUFFER for Penelope yes. BUT with good reason I promise.

Because aside from the book material here in the show Colin had a different path in some stories. He believed himself to be in love and got heartbroken because of it.

He actually needs to feel that burn, that suffering to realize what being truly in love actually means. To actually feel there is no comparison to the real thing. To feel that what he believed being in love meant was not actually real or comparable in any form or way with what he is capable of feeling...for Penelope. (Book reference: This was Penelope...and this was love.)

No one can blame him for seeing Penelope as a friend so far. I think that is understandable but he also is a man who has had privilege in all his life, he has traveled the world from his secure place and is oblivious when it comes to certain things. He is a great guy, loving, devoted, honorable, a flirt and whatnot, but in order to mature he needs to go through some serious introspection. He does need to find his purpose and I would like to see that too in this season (himself as -book spoiler- an aspiring writer too).

I also want him to feel the pain and the struggle that comes with the LW reveal for him to realize that when we speak about a love of the magnitude he feels for Penelope not even what he deems as betrayal can make him give her up. It just does not matter. He will defend her no matter what, he will love her no matter what.

Let me quote Doctor Who for you (yes again):

"You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything I ever stood for. You let me down!.... Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

THIS is what and who Colin Bridgerton is for Penelope but to get there he first has to realize it and for that he needs a shock. HE NEEDS THE DRAMA. He is a Bridgerton guys if he is not a messy drama queen who suffers then what is the point? lol... Colin needs to have that maelstrom of emotion. The whirlwind. The pain, the jealousy, the YEARNING, the realization. He needs to be brought down on his knees (I do not oppose to the literal thing btw lol) before he rises again. Stronger than ever. And on the ready to protect his WIFE.

There is just no other way. And I will sure enjoy this because this...is what falling in love is and this season is about romance and Mr. Colin Bridgerton is our MALE LEAD HERO and as SUCH I want him to earn his position which means: HE IS OUR BELOVED IDIOT! YES HE IS GONNA SUFFER. YES I WILL CHEER FOR IT. YES I WILL BE HAPPY FOR MY GIRL PENELOPE AS THIS HAPPENS. YES TO ALL!

IT IS TIME!

I waited long enough! Now bring me season 3!

[el-255]

I find it so poignant in Epic the idea that all of Odysseus’s actions of ‘kindness’ so to speak always come back to bite him in the end (going to the cave to try and show open arms in trusting the lotus eaters, offering the wine to Polyphemus, sparing Polyphemus, his apology to Poseidon) except for his plea to Circe after denying her advances.

And you know why I think that is? Because it’s the only open arms approach that is completely sincere in nature.

Let me explain a little further, everything I’ve listed up to that point has been deception in some sort of way, they only went to the cave on the advice of the lotus eaters because they were desperate. I have no doubt that if given any other choice, Odysseus wouldn’t have gone. He only offered the wine to Polyphemus in an attempt to bargain for his and his crew’s lives and he ends up spiking it with lotus anyways so even if Polyphemus had let them go, he still would’ve ended up being betrayed in some sense. Him sparing Polyphemus is an act of spite against Athena and Polyphemus because he believes himself to be above any sort of repercussions and wants to taunt him for killing his friends. And finally, his apology to Poseidon is insincere at best because at no point does he ever utter the words “I’m sorry”. Not that Poseidon would’ve let him go anyways because I firmly believe at that point he’d already made up his mind to kill Odysseus and his crew but it’s the thought that counts and Odysseus clearly wasn’t sorry in the slightest, only sorry it came back to bite him.

Then we move to Circe and that’s when Odysseus’s luck changes when, after telling her that he will not cheat on his wife, she shows him mercy and helps him out. Because Odysseus was sincere in his affections for his wife and Circe, a woman who has been burned and abused by men in the past, has watched her nymphs suffer at the hands of men, and as a woman who deems all men as pigs because she believes they do not care for women at all, respects him for that. It humanises him.

It gives Circe some sort of hope that things could be better. Her line “maybe one day the world will need a puppeteer no more” may be immediately followed up with her declaring that instead one day it could need her more and things will get worse, but it gives Circe hope that she never had before. Circe already held the views of her final line, it’s nothing new for her to be untrustworthy of men at best, but for a moment, she wants to believe in a world where men are good and her nymphs would be safe even without her protection. A world where she would be safe.

All because Odysseus was finally being sincere to someone and genuinely poured his heart out which worked! Circe let his men go and helped them get to the underworld which she didn’t have to do at all, she could’ve sent them on their merry way and washed her hands of the whole incident but she didn’t. She wanted to believe in the love between Odysseus and Penelope and did everything in her power to make their reunion possible.

This makes his turn to becoming a monster in the underworld saga all the more upsetting because one good outcome to his kindness does not change others that got his friends killed so he completely gives up on it and embraces the role of being a monster who doesn’t care for anything but getting home, no matter the cost.

Even by the point of his plea for mercy from Circe, a part of Odysseus has already given up on everything Polites tried to in-still in him, but loves his wife so much that he’d never even fathom betraying her despite the fact that he believes cheating on her with Circe (unaware that her seduction is only a farce to kill him) will make her release his men and she’d likely never know that Odysseus had betrayed her. He still can’t do it, it’s Odysseus’s last ditch attempt to try and resolve things peacefully and he’s only doing it for the love of his wife.

It’s tragic irony that the very thing he believes in so sincerely, humanises him so much, and garners him the most help and sympathy is what leads to his downfall to a monster, his love for his wife and his son.