#2011-2013 Quotev

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[nostalgiabones]

I was tagged by @superbloomirwin, thank you love! Basically I got super deep in the answers to these questions but they were fun anyway. Feel free to answer any that you like and tag more people if you want to!

1. what was your first encounter with fanfiction?

One Direction fanfic 😳 lmao! On Quizazz/Quotev, if anyone at all remembers those websites LMAO this was in like 2012/2013 I think! 

2. your favourite creation of your own of all time if you create stuff (feel free to link it)?

I think it has to be my adoption fic (Missing Piece/ As Time Goes By). When I first wrote it it wasn’t really like my favourite thing I’ve ever written, but the engagement and feedback I’ve had from people & how much people love it just makes me so so happy! So I think that’s the one I’m most proud of 🥺

3. what vibe are you going for with your home decor (or what vibe do you wanna go for one day, if you don’t have your own place atm)? 

Oooo this is a hard one because I feel like I don’t really know lmao. I’m having like a bit of an identity crisis at the moment in terms of my look/what I like etc. At home my room is like grey/black with little bits of colour but I’m not sure if that’s what I’d go with in future. At uni my room is white but I can’t really do much with it because I just rent it, and I want to keep my deposit lmao. But I like sort of neutral colours & plants & maybe a little bit of colour here and there! 

4. first fandom you ever joined? what was it like? on what platform did it happen?

I think it was One Direction or maybe like 2011 YouTube KFHSKDJ 😭 on tumblr or twitter I think. 

5. what are your sun, moon and rising signs, and do you think they make sense in relation to how you know yourself?

Sun is Aquarius, moon is Pisces and rising is Taurus! I could be completely off here but just from what I’ve read/heard etc, I feel like they do make sense? I feel like they make me dreamy and emotional and like unable to stay in reality for too long LMAO. Idk I guess I just feel like they make sense in relation to my emotions a lot, because am I a very very emotional person. 

6. if you write and/or read fiction (original or fanfiction), do the tropes/plots/character types you typically seek out to read and/or write about reflect something about you as a being or how you see the world?

KFHSKD well…. yeah lmao. This is something I was talking to @calumrose about last night actually, and it’s going to sound so sad and I’m #exposing myself but 🥴 basically I like writing about families and 5sos as parents so much because I guess it’s kind of like a fictional creation of what I wish I had? Like that kind of secure family dynamic? (Not that I’m saying I wish 5sos were my parents KDJSJD not at all) I guess I just create little fictional worlds that make me feel safer than the real one does 

7. what is the hardest obstacle you’ve had to overcome so far in life?

Honestly not to get too #deep again but my parents getting divorced, I think. I mean I haven’t overcome it yet even though it’s been 7 years lmao but that is definitely the hardest thing. Either that or maybe failing one of my a levels as it really really knocked my confidence in so many ways.

8. what is your all time favourite song(s)?

This is so hard! I think lover of mine, lie to me, high, outer space -- 5sos, lost in stereo, backseat serenade, pretty venom and clumsy -- all time low, see through -- the band camino, ilywymm -- yungblud (so many more this is so hard lmao)

9. what do you look for in a person you wanna keep in your life, be it a friend or a romantic partner or anything in between?

This is interesting! Someone patient and understanding, because sometimes my feelings/just who I am as a person can be really difficult to understand lmao. Someone that will listen to me and really show interest/that they care about what i’m doing and who wants to hear about what i’m doing. Also kind and who cares about world issues, because that is really important to me. I just want someone who isn’t going to get mad at me for like being me lmao. (so not asking for much )

10. this is a bit of a difficult one, but have you ever had a moment of clarity, a conversation with someone that made you go “oh!”, or anything along those lines?

Yes! Often when i’m thinking about my childhood or like the way that I am, I have little realisations where i’m like oh… Also when I go to my beyond trauma course and learn about the effects of trauma on my life, that can be really interesting too.

I tag @calumrose, @loebeild, @calmlftv, @karajaynetoday, @malumsmermaid and anyone else who wants to do it!

[queensconquest]

unrosehearts replied to your post “i’m  laughing  ,  i  just  realized  i’ve  been  rping  for  about ...”

if it helps i started on aol and then myspace u___u;;;;;;

we all really be out here like this  with  our  ‘  how  we  got  into  rp  ‘  sites  even  if  they  werent  for  that.

also  like  ,  did  any  other  site  have  that  creepypasta  phase  in  like  2011-2013  because  oh  lord  i  still  remember  quizilla  /  quotev’s  era.  ooooh  boy  that  was  an  experience. 

[himboholhorse-moving]

@himbolesbian​ thank u for tagging me in another one of these!! I love talking about myself and using tag games as a reason to do it.

Nickname(s): My mom’s cousin Kim has given me “Sammy” as per the family reunion yesterday because I’ll be called by my sister’s name. A lot. With my parents and stepmom call me “Si” and my dad calls me “Bear.” That last one is because he went up to the mountains and did some peyote and saw/hallucinated a wolf (him) and two bears (me and my sis) so that stuck.

Gender: Genderfluid babie !

Sexuality: Bi/pan but like. who knows anymore. I know I’m not straight tho!

Astrological Sign: Capricorn sun, Capricorn moon, Libra rising. You should see the planets in my houses I got absolutely read by this one astro site.

Hogwarts House: Slytherin/Ravenclaw hybrid yeet

Favorite Animal: Bear but like, that was an accident and unrelated to my nickname. I just think they’re neat. Cats and dogs are also super cool. And birds. I love them all.

Number Of Blankets: I keep my room cold af so I have this Army blanket, comforter, New York Rangers blanket, giant quilt from my mom.

Where Are You From: Originally born in upstate New York, have also lived in Pennsylvania, Kentucky, and now North Carolina. Wegman’s, cars that have Fuccillo on them, I miss you.

Dream Trip: Bro I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do next week. I think visiting Germany and Italy would be nice.

When I Started This Account: This was in January, my writing blog was in February, but I’ve been using this site since 2011- or 2012-ish.

Why I Started This Account: My friends Rebecca and Kim made me and I vividly remember it was in my mom’s apartment bedroom. I didn’t like it for a long time and didn’t use it because I was still on Quizazz/Quotev and didn’t use it seriously until about 2013.

Really I never know who to tag so if you have seen this and want to do it, feel free!! Consider yourselves tagged by me if you wanna hop on board!!

[sinningbadlyforaskeleton]

The Writer Flower Blooms

For some reason I wanted to share this story… On why and when I became a fanfiction writer. I basically felt like I should even if no one listens, heh. Anyway lets get to the point….

Basically I was in fifth grade, I was a kid, with alot of anger and strength, I never got along with people unless they were younger. I felt the need to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves, even if it meant getting myself in trouble, but never mind that. Back then computers were barely becoming important, it was during mid-school year I had a laptop provided from the school and started watching anime… InuYasha was the main anime I was into, so I started drawing and tracing it, which is where my love of art started, but thats a different story…

At the time I was seeing a therapist, her name was Lynn, I don’t remember her last name, but best to keep it that way. I remember one particular day I had it bad, I had just gotten detention again and was visiting Lynn, who by then heard on what happened. She explained to me that by bottling my emotions and anger will make me overflow on my anger and will eventually either hurt someone or myself.

Then she laid out a small, yet big book, blank pages and small divided separated by a yellowed folder-like file. “Here, this is like a diary” she says, “for now on write whatever you feel in here.” I remember scorning at the book, and frowned, “We both know I won’t use this, why give me this?”

“Sweetie,” she tells me, “you never know until you try.”

Even though I was against it, I took the book anyway, it laid in my dresser for three weeks… I focused my mind on Anime, InuYasha, drawing, singing, or watching videos.

One day During the night of October, I stumbled upon a fanfiction of InuYasha, “InuYasha’s Daughter: The Story of Keade.” I begun reading over it and became in love with it, I then decide searching similiar stories, each one better than the last. Until I decided to make my own, so taking the book, I begun writing, no plots, no reasons, no storyline, just inserted myself in the world and neglected the other main protagonist.

Typical Noob writer, but as I wrote the story I begun enraptured with it.

October 20, 2009

The Day I begun writing, the day that technically changed my way of thinking. Each and every day since then I wrote in my notebook, each chapter absurd and never made sense, but it made laugh and proud of the story I was writing.

I entitled it, “InuYasha Rewritten” Lame title I know, but remember I was Noob back then, anyway I was started getting into it. I then started experimenting and learning from other stories online, even gotten exposed to some “ahem” adult-theme ones. I wrote more stories, and original works which surprisingly my family been secretly been reading, thank Adonis, I hid those adult theme ones away. Anyway my family were surprised by my talent and implore me to keep on going with my works.

However once I returned the laptop on my final year… I stopped.

By the year of 2011, my family got a comupter… the old fashion ones, which was pretty good and in good shape. My mother made my first account with gmail and signed me up for Deviantart, as a birthday gift, she told me to write my stories and share my art on here. I was ecstatic… but got into games and never used the account until I lost the password and never used it again.

By the year 2013, I signed up into DA under a new username… HagenMochaCrystal, I started doing stories and sharing art alot more with a new laptop which generally for the family, but I mainly used it. I then found Fanfiction.net which with the same name begun making my first story on there about Black Butler… Angemon.

It wasn’t good, nor did it make sense, but I worked and completed my first story, which made me proud. Later in my middle school and High school year, I made “Black Maid” it was a success which was oddly was weird because of how weird it was, but according some it was rare to have a female-sebastian story and I was the first to make one noticed.

Then I remember saying, “I can think outside the box, make new and not thought about stories or mix them with unique crossovers!” So begun my quest to make unique or non-thought of stories. Black Maid has been finished for three years and many still continue to ask for a squeal.

I thought on more stories, before getting into Quotev, when my Attack on Titan, FNAF, and CreepyPasta stories are still up. the new username I went by was Mother Nightmare, which oddly nothing about her was terrifying. it wasn’t until between the year of 2014-2015, I had to stop writing due to the fact were lost the laptop and I had no phone. But I kept taps on my work which people oddly continue to enjoy… Later in my 7th-9th grade years, I had a new phone writing everything now in Quotev until Wattpad started, which led to the stories of Minecraft and MCD from the youtuber Aphmau, after watching a Do Not Laugh, I taken noticed of something on my dashboard…

Undertale.

Now this is where my true evolution began, possibly my nearly final stage as a free-hand writer. After watching the YouTuber JinBop I was in a bit of denial and downloaded the game for the hell of it… I then fell in love the minute I played, which led me to stories, which is where @bittersweetdeath appeared and with her and my best friend @mistermaria inspiration, I send an ask to join AO3. Months later… I was accepted as a User and went by SinningBadlyForASkeleton, and the same day I made my account on this site. My first test run on that site was the story of UnderFell “Call Me Mama” which in my opinion was highly acknowledged by the readers and they demanded more, the more I wrote for myself, the more they wanted. I truly explored and expanded my abilities of writing and feel so damn proud of it. To think it all started with that little notebook, over 51 chapters, worn by the years, glued and taped together… I still have that book even still to this day I keep writing in it.

Heh, I guess I feel I should… After all, the story isn’t a story until it’s complete.

Thanks for listening guys, keep on writing! and Love you all! ^^