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firstcorinthians-elevenfifteen · 5 years

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20/20 Vision.

So this is about to be one of the realest posts I have ever written.

This post is going to be about depression, a subject I hate speaking on (insert wobbly faced emoji).

Once 2020 started, I took a break from my environment, from people, and it was just God, Cairo and I for a few weeks.

I stepped into 2020 with so many goals and expectations, and I knew I had a part to play in executing them, I couldn’t just say, here God, here’s my faith - do your thing. I couldn’t expect my year to be massively different if I was still doing the same things I was doing. I needed to change. I just didn’t know how.

After I had Cairo, like I said in a previous post, although it was a happy time, I was still very sad. I had experienced so much and I had so much healing to do. Throw being a solo mother into the mix, and it was a sure recipe for postnatal depression.

It took me months to realise I was struggling from PND. It only dawned on me in January as I took time to reflect. I realised for over a year I hadn’t been myself. I’d gone into self-protection mode, mamabear mode, thick-skinned mode, emotionally-numb mode, and functioning in all those modes made me lose Millie. I hadn’t been myself in over a year. I was tired, worn out, tired, exhausted, offended, hurt, and did I mention tired? There was even a point where I was physically withering away lol.

I tried to come out of those modes, but something would happen and I would go back into them, vowing never to come out again. It was the only way I thought I could protect myself. Sometimes, misery loves company, and its favourite company is you. Sometimes being miserable is the most comforting feeling, because you don’t actually know anything different anymore.

If you know me, you know I’m always reading something. One of the books I was reading at the time was “Wholeness” by Toure Roberts and whew chileeeee, it completely broke things down for me.

I couldn’t see past my pregnancy anymore. Life stopped there. It was such a blow for me that I couldn’t see life before it, and I was struggling to see what life would come after it (silly, huh?). But depression pulls you into a deep, dark hole.

Reading the book made me see that I got pregnant in the first place because I wasn’t whole (you’re thinking well duh right?), although I acknowledged that fact, I hadn’t actually accepted it, prayed about it, and allowed God to work on that broken part of me. Being pregnant, then caused me to become even more broken, and whilst everyone can scream forgive and move on, it just wasn’t that easy. I needed to start right at the beginning. I needed to start looking at the issues within me that brought me to this point in life, so that I would not encounter this misstep again, and so that I could actually learn and grow from this season.

I had to address every insecurity that brought me to getting pregnant. I brought them before God in prayer and asked him to help me heal. To help me overcome them. I had to take scriptures concerning my insecurities and force them to become the new narrative in my mind concerning myself and my situation.

It was then that I saw God began to really work on my mind. Strongholds were being broken because I finally surrendered the most broken parts of me and allowed his word to loosen the lies Satan had given me to live by.

Second thing on my list was addressing this pregnancy. Whilst I love my son with every atom of my being (and then some!), I had a hard time accepting what I had done. Yes everyone makes mistakes, and yes I love my baby. I just would wish and wish he came about in a more wholesome situation.

It was a truth I had been running from, purely because to others, I was boldly carrying my cross, you could not tell me nothin’, but inside I was yelling help me! Do you know how hard it is, living a life you haven’t come to terms with yet? Being a mum is a 24/7 job, I can’t take a day, a week or a month to get my mind together, but during prayer, God managed to comfort me.

Genesis 17, talks about when God was speaking to Abraham, telling him to walk faithfully and be blameless. Abraham couldn’t wait for God’s promise (His son Isaac) so he slept with Hagar, they had Ishmael, and well, you know how that goes.

God was speaking to Abraham after this though, saying that He remembered every single promise He had made to Abraham and Sarah. He still wanted to fulfil them. He simply wanted Abraham to walk faithfully and blamelessly before Him. I felt like God was telling me the same thing. The past didn’t matter. He’d already factored in this misstep. All I had to do was trust Him, walk before Him faithfully and blamelessly, then all I’d have to do is watch Him work out all His promises in my life, like He still wanted to do.

Thank God.

With more consistent prayer, and intentionally seeking God, things began to change, I began to change, my outlook on life began to change, my personality was coming back, and a better, less bitter Millie was evolving. I naturally wanted to go out more and actually began to enjoy being both single and a mother. I found myself actually being content.

I can’t explain it but it’s like a burden has been lifted for real, for real. Even on days when I’m exhausted and parenting is hard, I can feel God’s grace giving me more energy, I can feel God giving me more strength to endure the rest of the day joyfully.

This is when I see scriptures coming alive in my life, like His strength being perfect in my weakness, like Him being a father to the fatherless. Like His grace being sufficient.

I’ve had so many people around me tell me I’ve changed. Honestly, it’s for the better. I can see so much more clearer now. I’m not ashamed. I’m not insecure. I’m being made whole by His grace. Literally.

Whilst I did make a mistake, I can’t say that I would have reached this point without Cairo. Truth is, I have always been depressed, I have always had episodes of it, especially since my dad left us as children. This situation just magnified it for me. But I’m so grateful that I serve a God who is faithful. He uses everything for our good. He’s using the very mistake I made to heal me.

I’m still on a journey, I’m not perfect everyday, but, God is faithful, and I know my end will be so much better than my beginning.

- m x

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