#3/6 of the kids are legally adults now and a 4th one is gonna turn 18 this year iirc

[fabulouslygaybean]

hearing my mom talk abt my cousins and how she thinks it's sad how the oldest ones still live w their parents is worrying bc like. i have a sinking feeling she'll want me outta the house the second i turn 18 and idk if im ready for that

[pronetopronoia]

Sex is fun. And funny.

Sex is funny and fun.

Obviously be safe about it. But it’s also very healthy. However if anyone tries forcing you into something you’re not comfortable with or comes at you when you’re not open to them in that way, murder them at once! Blah, blah, blah... you know what, I’m not your parent/legal guardian, your therapist, nor a health class teacher. Also, hopefully if you’re reading this you’re an adult.

Do whatever it is that you do.

I think it’s funny.

Also, I’m an overweight, single comedian so I’m definitely not having *the most sex ever* at the moment which will hopefully help erase some of my personal sins and injustices from college and my mid-twenties.

Anyway, my stand up comedy consists of reading aloud things that I write. 89% of the time my material is much better simply read silently in the head of whoever just so happens to actually put themselves through reading something I wrote. That has in no way deterred me from getting up on various stages to insist on reading my stuff aloud anyway.

Recently I wrote short pitches for five comedic porns I wish someone would produce. As I wrote just moments ago, sex is funny.

Would you like to read those pitches?

If not, probably stop reading because I am literally going to list them below. I read them aloud to a room of silence last night in central Illinois aside from one guy in the very front row who was laughing his entire ass off which is truly all the validation I really need to not hate myself all the way to the core.

Also, due to the nature of the content (Comedy. Pornography.), obviously this is for “mature” eyes only. If you are offended. Stop reading this *right now*. You’ve been warned! If you keep reading, that’s your decision. If you’re torn because reading this seems wrong to you but you really wanted to read something right now, here is a link to a book about modesty:

https://www.amazon.com/Return-Modesty-Discovering-Lost-Virtue/dp/1476756651/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=YK6GWTCYB3EB2QD6K3VQ

Anyway, if you are a porn producer, please get to work on one or several of the following please:

Porn #1

Jespin Coroque moves to America to escape his overbearing, meddling, Middle Eastern parents. He tries to find the perfect American wife but can’t quite stomach the necessary repeated trips to the mall.

He decides to look for a husband instead, because, well, less drama, plus it would REALLY piss his religious parents off. The catch? His new boyfriend is the next republican candidate for president of the United States of America! Jespin’s got green card paperwork and the approval of the Republican Party to deal with now.

Watch Jespin as he becomes a true American in ‘Gay Foreign Fisting Affairs: This Time It’s Presidental’.

Porn #2

Samantha and Patricia grew up together but money is tight so they move in together, to share a studio apartment above a laundromat.

Sam and Pat’s combined weight tops out at 947 pounds so dating is not going well for either of them, luckily they discover the laundromat left unlocked one night and the two head down for the dryer ride of their lives.

Grab a cum rag if you’re into hot obese lesbians shaking until orgasm atop ancient industrial dryers! You’ll never be the same after watching ‘Sam and Pat’s Wild Ride’.

Porn #3

Jacob knew he was in over his head taking trigonometry in 4th grade, but the moment he laid eyes on his 67 year old teacher, Edna, he knew he’d be passing the class with flying colors.

If by flying colors you mean hot. as. fuck. 4th grade boy on 67 year-old woman action.

Edna’s osteoporosis has her folding up like an accordion in the hands of an inexperienced young boy in ’How Does Trigonometry Work, Who Cares Look At This Hot Statchatory Rape Action’.

Porn #4

Stacy lets Dante move in after he loses his job and needs somewhere to stay to get back on his feet.

What Stacy doesn’t know is that while she’s gone all week traveling her sales region, Dante turns their basement into a sex dungeon and all hell breaks loose when a portal to hell opens up in the golden shower drain in the far corner.

Dante’s stable of fuck things are subjected to horrific acts of violence and cruelty until the next door neighbor finally comes over to perform an exorcism. Luckily by Friday of that week Dante gets everything under control just before Stacy comes home.

Buckle up for hot and steamy sex torture in the demon fetish porn, ‘Stacy Won’t Be Home ‘Till This Weekend, the Safe Word Is Cellar Door’.

Porn #5

Manny is an aging punk just scraping by when he meets Sheena, the single mother of his dreams.

She rocks his world while he forgets to pick up her three kids at soccer practice because he can’t get enough of her c-section scars.

The five of them are in heaven one night watching reruns of 7th Heaven when Sheena’s ex fiancé and the father of her middle child unexpectedly shows up to take all three kids to Pizza Ranch. With the house kid-free and all three pit bulls in their cages Manny and Sheena rig up the sex swing, turn up My Chemical Romance, and throw all modern conventions of kinesiology out the window.

You’ll feel like G.G. Allin himself in the unforgettable punk porn joyride ‘Manny and Sheena get In the Van and By Get in the Van I Mean Fuck on Towels on the Couch While the Kids are at Pizza Ranch’.

Porn #6

Chet Collins just can’t decide if he should stick with his biology major or switch to communications. Luckily he doesn’t really have to worry about that right now because he’s pledging Alpha Omega Epsilon Kappa Pi this semester so he can get out of his dorm room and into a mansion with no surface not completely encrusted with pizza residue or cum.

Buckle up this Hell Week because Chet’s first mission is to sneak into third floor Burge Hall and fuck something that isn’t already drunk and fucking. Mission Impossible.

Next it’s taking a sorority sister to visit the athlete dorms without getting her pregnant. Harder than a Friday morning calculus class. And by ‘harder than’ I mean it’s just not gonna happen. Is FAC still a thing here?

Anyway, Brett’s last task? Smuggle 16 cases of Busch Lite into his dorm without triggering his obese, shut-in RA. Fortunately for Chet, when he’s caught red handed he quickly discovers his fetish for large women in authority and fucks his way right out of acedemic probation in the bathroom with the showers down the hall.

Grab your backpacks and syllabi for the classes your only attending, like, three times this semester because “Chet’s Greek Fuckscapade” will leave you breathless and satisfied, unlike the drunk sex you had in the bathroom of Brother’s after last Saturday’s game.

Have a good night guys, go Hawks!