#just. idk. it seems so much healthier than whatever my moms got going on

[fabulouslygaybean]

hearing my mom talk abt my cousins and how she thinks it's sad how the oldest ones still live w their parents is worrying bc like. i have a sinking feeling she'll want me outta the house the second i turn 18 and idk if im ready for that

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

so, a few months ago i talked about how when i went to the doctor for my depression and got prescribed meds for that, i got blood work done and we found out a few things in my liver functions(? i think that's what it was, idk), were off, which possibly meant i have fatty liver disease(?), and my vitamin D levels were really low too and as a result, i had to try eating healthier and taking supplements for the vitamin D. i did start eating healthier, i started cooking more food myself with the help of my mom and getting healthier snacks and pre-prepared food, also started taking the vitamin D supplements too. i forgot to ever mention this but a couple weeks after that first appointment i went back for a small follow up and got more blood work done; at that time, my liver levels or whatever (i forget the exact names for what they were, sorry) were slightly better, which i guess means what i'd been doing eating-wise was working, and my vitamin D levels were up a lot too bc of the supplements. anyways, fast forward to now: so, when i first started this "diet" or whatever, i told myself i wasn't gonna let it get to me too much and make me feel bad but... i think it's starting too. i've noticed that i've started to feel guilty after eating anything "unhealthy" and there's been a few times recently where i almost considered not eating despite being hungry bc the food i would have to eat was not very healthy. i haven't started starving myself or anything, i do still eat even if it's something unhealthy, but i seem to feel guilty about it afterwards now. also if i eat what i consider "too much" in a day, i'll feel guilty about that too. it's really weird for me bc i've never felt guilt about food before. like, even tho i knew i didn't have the best diet, i never felt guilty about it until now. maybe it's bc now ik it's actually affecting my health and i'm paranoid about it getting worse. i don't go back for more blood work for a few months (i think?) so. idk... also, another thing that i think is making these guilty feelings worse is the fact that lately, i've been kinda slacking on the healthier eating and on my exercise too. but i'm gonna try to get back to healthier eating, and get back to exercising more (if i ever stop hurting my feet in some way 😑)

um. yeah. idk, i just hate that i seem like i'm starting to develop guilt about food. i hope i don't get to a point where i starve myself rather than eat something bc it's unhealthy or whatever; i can't see that happening tho tbh (but then again, i never thought i'd develop guilt over food in the first place...)

[noblechaton]

okay so this is a post I’ve wanted to make for a lil while now but I’ve been kinda....not huge on talking about what’s been going on with me health-wise bc it’s been so stressful (and writing all of this on mobile would suck lol) but anyway I feel like explaining why I haven’t been writing or even really posting too much

also a lil warning here but it gets a bit gross due to what’s going on lately so uh be careful near the end of this if ur squeamish (like me) and also this is very long bc it sorta recounts the last 6-7 months so it might be a bit messy looking

alright so. on october 28th after getting poor, fragmented amounts of sleep and having nothing to eat besides fast food bc it’s all my family got (mcdonalds in the morning and chinese food for dinner) I had this awful scary pain in my chest (upper left side, at that) and it worried me real bad but I pushed thru for a few days bc i thought maybe it’d clear itself up and stuff

but it didn’t and so after maybe a week or so with it I told my parents and we first went to my aunt’s urgent care place for an EKG (which was normal) but we were soon set up for a doctor’s appointment (my first in like....at least 5 years. probs more tbh) and he examined me but wasn’t able to figure anything out so he set up some further tests at a cardiologist and those came and went (an echocardiogram and a stress test along with some more EKGs) and all of them went well so we still had no idea what the issue is/was but I was put on a lot of medications to try and see if anything helped (plus I got put on antidepressants which was nice for a bit but they caused problems physically so I’ve stopped taking them)

by like mid febuary I think?? (and after totally reorganizing my diet for a few months to include healthier stuff and exercise) the issue started to fade and for a minute I thought it’d worked itself out

but then like two weeks before march started my wrists and ankles started hurting bad enough to cause my hands and feet to twitch and shake which terrified me but I didn’t say anything (mostly bc my family, namely my mom, is/was getting fed up with my medical stuff and I didn’t wanna make her more mad lol) however it stopped a lil before march really started

but then my head started pounding nonstop and it hurt super bad for 5 weeks (urgent care did nothing bc like. they just can’t do anything for that) and near the end of it I went and got an MRI done which came back good, just like the cardio stuff did earlier (tho it pointed out a minor sinus infection which I think is what caused/causes it??)

then near the end of march (and after taking appropriate OTC stuff for sinus infections) it sorta lessened and has since eased up despite some flare ups here and there which might be caused by....whatever’s going on now, which brings me to....

two or so days before the MRI I ended up vomiting up some food which was weird bc I don’t really vomit and then it happened the next day too and I got worried but at first I thought it was food poisoning since my diet had kinda shifted back to bad habits due to the head pains but then the day of the MRI and the day or two after that the puking stopped only to then started back up again

now something I realized after a while was that I wasn’t like actually puking like normal puke but instead it looked like it was just my food (not to be too gross but I could/can see actual pieces of food as they would have looked in my mouth sometimes) which led me to (sort of) figuring out that what I’ve been doing is actually regurgitating for some reason (everything from typical food finely chewed to apples to certain drinks like apple juice and even water sometimes to straight up mucus that runs down my throat/gets sniffled) and my throat has felt weird, like knotted up?? tight?? or something even tho I’ve only had minor difficulties swallowing sometimes (a lot of the pain/issue comes when I speak I think)

so that’s where I’m at now. for w/e reason I can’t get anything besides water and crackers down consistently (and even then those still come up sometimes) and I’ve been looking for solutions myself or to at least figure out what it is since I sort of need to be able to eat more than just once every few days (tho I seem to keep toast down which is nice)

mostly I’ve been leaning towards GERD since there’s no real/overt pains, I’ve had acid reflux all my life as far as I can remember, and it ties in with the upper chest pain and headaches but then I wasn’t doing this for the last ~7 months, this regurgitating thing only just started, so I’m not entirely convinced tho idk what else it could be (the doc I spoke to today mentioned a hernia thingy?? which is what I leaned for at first when it was just chest aches and looking at symptoms now it does kinda fit still but also it doesn’t?? so idk) 

and this entire time I’ve been scared out of my mind bc of various reasons (from not knowing what’s going on to what my body’s actually been doing to my own family members kinda not helping to put it very lightly lol) and that’s kinda why my writing drive has been next to nonexistent and I haven’t been posting all that often (and part of why I haven’t seen the ML finale - I don’t need that kinda feeling rn lmao)

now tho the plan is to get an endoscopy at the hospital sometime soon I think (I’m waiting for a scheduling phone call rn) while taking prilosec (which....isn’t really working tbh) and I’m just kinda trying to hang in there and not freak out too badly but it’s been hard lol

hopefully we can set this thing up today and get it done asap so I can maybe start being myself again sooner rather than later assuming I even can but yea!! I appreciate the patience and kindness that’s been offered to me over the last few months especially since y’all didn’t even know I was going thru anything lmao

also!! real quick!! another (maybe not as major) reason as to why writing’s slowed so much is bc I sorta ran out of room in my room and started stacking stuff on my computer and typing out full fledged fics on my lil ipod (yes, ipod, not phone) is uh really hard!! but I managed to clean some stuff up in between all of this and once I get better I’ll be doing more cleaning in my room to try and have my computer back full time

[our-smooty]

Flowerbeds and Fertile Soil: Chapter 1

Fandom: Good Omens

Rating: Explicit

Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens, )Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer

Tags:  Kidfic, Mpreg kind of, they can choose to present however so idk, Crowley Has A Vulva (Good Omens), Crowley Has A Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale Has A Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale Has A Vulva (Good Omens), OCs galor, parenting, using your snake form to avoid confrontation, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Pregnancy, if I missed a tag lemme know

Summary: They could do anything, go anywhere, all without the worry of Above or Bellow making a fuss. Even so, they mostly kept to their little patch of Eden, their cottage and garden and the simple life they’d carved out among the locals. Aziraphale opened a book shop in town, where he only occasionally sold any books (and the ones he did sell, were all modern and stocked specifically for that purpose). Crowley focused his attentions on the garden, and if he occasionally helped their elderly neighbour with her disobedient willow tree, then that was a secret no one needed to know. 

Lately, however, they had both been feeling rather restless, unbeknownst to each other. Aziraphale tried reorganizing his store, changing the way he tied his bowtie and even ate pizza --something he considered to be far too messy for him personally. Crowley had branched out into birdwatching, and then car maintenance (the human way), and even reading. Nothing scratched the itch for either of them. 

Ao3 Link

My Ko-Fi

Ten years. A cottage. The South Downs. Innumerable soft mornings in bed and long, exciting nights. Wine under their own apple tree, carefully cultivated to provide optimal shade during summer afternoons. Ten years of the rest of their lives. For Aziraphale and Crowley the time after the End that Wasn’t was nothing short of blissful perfection.

They could do anything, go anywhere, all without the worry of Above or Bellow making a fuss. Even so, they mostly kept to their little patch of Eden, their cottage and garden and the simple life they’d carved out among the locals. Aziraphale opened a book shop in town, where he only occasionally sold any books (and the ones he did sell, were all modern and stocked specifically for that purpose). Crowley focused his attentions on the garden, and if he occasionally helped their elderly neighbour with her disobedient willow tree, then that was a secret no one needed to know.

Lately, however, they had both been feeling rather restless, unbeknownst to each other. Aziraphale tried reorganizing his store, changing the way he tied his bowtie and even ate pizza--something he considered to be far too messy for him personally. Crowley had branched out into birdwatching, and then car maintenance (the human way), and even reading. Nothing scratched the itch for either of them.

It wasn’t until they visited Tadfield, for Anathema’s baby shower, that it occurred to either of them. They’d been to the others, of course, both ethereal entities were prominently featured in the other two Device-Pulcifer children. Little Charlotte and Annabella looked forward to seeing their uncles for monthly gatherings. And the third child, yet to be named, was likely to feel the same about the two.

“It’s only 2 more months now,” Anathema said, lounging in a comfortable chair in her and Newt’s back garden. She was surrounded by friends and family, including the Them, Shadwell and Madame Tracy, and Crowley. Aziraphale was over by the pot-luck table, making him and the demon plates of food. Crowley nodded along to the conversation, not participating much himself.

“You must be ready for it to be over,” Madame Tracy said sympathetically, filling up the witch’s glass with more. Anathema nodded enthusiastically--after 2 kids you stop pretending to love every moment of pregnancy.

“Definitely. They’ve been kicking me in the spine for ages!”

“Have you tried telling them off?” Crowley asked casually, sipping his own drink (lemonade spiked with a little something from his flask. “Can never start too early with that kind of thing you know.”

Anathema looked surprised, though not significantly, which was in opposition to Newt's shocked expression. Madame Tracy rolled her eyes and tutted disapprovingly.

“Weren’t you a Nanny?” Pepper asked, eyeing Crowley suspiciously. “Good Nannies don’t go around shouting at babies.”

“No one said anything about shouting,” Crowley drawled, sitting up a little straighter. “It’s all about balance. Set some boundaries, let them know they can’t get away with anything too mischievous.”

“I thought mischief was your thing?” Adam asked. Crowley made a kind of a wiggle motion with his palm and wrinkled his nose.

“Trust me, kid. There’s mischief and then there’s a 4-year-old who doesn’t know the meaning of ‘no’.”

“Oh are we talking about our mutual ward?” Aziraphale chimed in cheerfully, setting down the plates he’d made up. Crowley murmured his thanks and reached for a strawberry. “We did our best but he turned out quite beastly in the end.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “You’re making it sound like he’s a murderer. He turned OK, better than his father at least.”

“You do have a point there.” The rest of the party-goers at the table all had variously dubious looks on their faces as if they were all thinking ‘who allowed these two to raise a child?’.

“Have you two raised many children together then?” Madame Tracy asked pleasantly. Crowley and Aziraphale both shook their heads a little sadly. “Oh whyever not? You both seem to love kids.”

“Well, it isn’t the done thing you know. An angel and a demon?” Aziraphale answered glumly. Next to him, Crowley shifted in his seat. “Warlock was the exception because both Heaven and Hell thought he was the antichrist.”

“But you don’t work for them anymore!” Adam pointed out, tucking his hands under his thighs and rocking excitedly. “You could do whatever you want!”

Something like dawning realization began to grow on both men’s faces. They could, in fact, do whatever they pleased without worrying about the repercussions from their former head offices. Though the idea of a child might be pushing it.

“You know I never really thought about it like that, thank you, dear boy,” Aziraphale, always better with words in the heat of the moment, said. Crowley sat wordlessly, gaping like a fish out of water. From the far side of the table, Anathema whispered something in Newt’s ear and they both chuckled.

“Yes, well,” Crowley blustered, suddenly standing. “More lemonade?” No one answered but he stalked off anyway. No one mentioned the fact that he was going to the exact opposite way of the refreshment table either.

Aziraphale watched him go with a bemused expression, though he didn’t seem worried. Instead, he turned back to Anathema and began asking her about baby names. The Them quickly got bored with the baby talk and wandered towards the empty bit at the back of the yard to play football. Madame Tracy and Shadwell were off in their own little world, looking at each other with disgustingly moony eyes. Crowley nearly gagged just from being in proximity to such mushy behaviour. As it was he was currently taking refuge back behind the hedgerow, growling at Newt’s freshly planted petunias.

After they were sufficiently chastized and looking marvellous, Crowley decided he had calmed down enough to actually brave the drinks table. There was an entire pitcher of lemonade left, still damp with condensation from the refrigerator, and it was practically calling to him. He made himself a cup and stealthily spiked it. He was just about to take a sip when he felt small hands tugging at the edge of his jacket.

“Uncle Crowley,” a tiny voice said, “can I have a sip?”

Crowley looked down, already knowing exactly what he would see. Little Lottie, with her dark brown eyes and mane of untameable brown hair stared back at him, then eyed his drink. Behind her, Bella peered up at him, always the shy one.

“Eh, not this one. I’ll make you both your own special ones, how does that sound?” With a quick miracle, he procured two plastic cups with curly straws, dangling them in front of the girls. Bella's eyes lit up but Lottie held strong.

“No ice cubes!” she declared, stamping her foot. Crowley hid his proud smile behind a small cough.

“No, no ice cubes. Just pure, sugar water for you and your sister,” he said, filling both glasses up and handing them over, but not before using a demonic miracle to replace the sugar with a healthier alternative. He crouched down to their level to whisper, “Have you two been behaving for your mum and dad?”

Bella nodded, too busy drinking and splashing lemonade all over herself. Lottie lifted her chin proudly.

“Sometimes! Jus’ like you and Uncle Aziraphale said!” She’s only recently gotten the hand of the angel’s fully name, and took every opportunity to show off. Annabella was still getting the hang of it.

“Uncle Azi says to always be nice to the other girls at school, even if they say mean things!” she exclaimed loudly, a sticky smile lighting up her face. At least her hair was short enough that it was mostly saved. Crowley didn’t want Anathema to truly despise him.

“And?”

“And you said to put gum in their hair when the teacher isn’t looking!”

“Good girl. Now go sit at the table with your lemonade. And don’t let your mom see you with it!” He added that last bit just to see the devious look on Lottie’s face as she and her sister scampered off. Somebody, he loved those kids, even if they were half Newton. He liked most children, actually, though those two little girls had definitely run off with his cold, dead heart.

“There you are, Crowley!” Crowley tried to hide his slight jump of surprise with a cough. Even though he knew that Azirapahel knew that neither of them had ever needed to cough in the entire history of the world. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“S’not like I went far angel,” Crowley replied, straightening his knees and then his spine with far too much crackling. “What’d you want?”

Aziraphale was immediately fussing with the demon’s collar and suit jacket, making sure it sat right. “Well, I thought as it’s getting rather late and we have a little bit of a drive ahead of us it might be time for us to toddle.”

“Toddle?” Crowley asked, wrinkling his nose with distaste.

“If you prefer I could say we should get a wiggle o--” Immediately Crowley was stalking past the angel and back to the rest of the party-goers, effectively cutting him off.

“No I do not prefer ‘wiggle on’! Somebodies' sake where do you keep getting these awful sayings from?” He knew the angel was following behind him with a silly grin on his face.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about dear. Are you getting into one of your moods again?” Damn him, the bastard knew exactly how to rile Crowley up.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about dear,” Crowley mocked, hunching his shoulders even more. “Let’s just get the goodbyes over with so we can go.”

It took far too long, for Crowley’s tastes, to actually leave. He let Azirapahel do most of the talking and hugging, though he spared a moment to cuddle Lottie and Bella when they started to beg. Their tiny little arms wrapped around his shoulders as he hoisted them up, slinging them side to side just to hear their delighted shrieks. The first few times he’d done this Newt and Anathema had not been pleased, but Aziraphale had reminded them they were both ethereal beings with the ability to change reality, and the parents had decided to allow it after that.

“Goodbye, little ones,” Aziraphale said, giving each of the girls a hug. Crowley knew first-hand how good Aziraphale’s hugs were and made a mental note to get a few of his own when they got home.

“Not little anymore Uncle Aziraphale!” Lottie shouted, taking advantage of her ‘outside voice’. Annabella giggled at the nickname, more than happy to be the angel’s little girl.

“No, no, I suppose not Charlotte. You’re nearly all grown up aren’t you?” he answered with an indulgent smile. The little girl wiggled with delight, and also with the need to be let go so she could go off and get into some sort of mischief. “Go on, have a good day you two.”

Final goodbyes were said and then they were in the Bently, trundling down the road. Crowley had agreed to drive at a more decent pace within the towns and cities sometime after Lottie had been born. The demon claimed he enjoyed driving slowly to annoy the other drivers, but Aziraphale had a suspicion that it had to do with having mortal attachments and realizing the dangers little children could get into near roadways. Outside on the country roads they took to get back to the South Downs he made up for it though, gunning down them with double the enthusiasm. Aziraphale considered this enough of a compromise.

“Lovely party,” the angel remarked loudly over the roar of the Bently’s engine. Crowley nodded but didn’t take his eyes off the road. He was hoping to beat her personal speed record from Tadfield to the cottage. “The girls are growing up so fast!”

Another noncommittal noise as Crowley overtook a car, getting dangerously close to the side door to hiss a little bit. The other driver blanched and decided to pull over at the next rest stop for a bracing cup of coffee.

“You’re quite good with them!” Aziraphale continued on, undeterred by Crowley’s distraction. “If fact, I’d say you have a soft spot for children, my dear. First warlock, then Adam, now the girls.”

That did get Crowley’s attention, though he made sure not to show it. Really he’d always loved children. There had been the kids he snuck onto the arc, just a few, those he could grab and hide from the floodwaters. And others throughout the years, war orphans and kids alone in the world for whatever horrible reason. He gave food to beggars and donates some of his exorbitant--and useless--wealth to orphanages and programs to help children (all spun in some nonsensical way to please Hell, of course). He’d adored being Warlock’s nanny (which is why, even though he is a demon, he couldn’t be the one to pull the trigger on either him or Adam). But caring about kids wasn't cool, wasn’t demon-like, so he’d kept it quiet. Trust Aziraphale to see right through that.

“So?” Keep it short, simple. Let Aziraphale do the talking, he obviously had a point to make, rambling on as he was doing.

“So… I was thinking…”

“Spit it out angel!” Crowley snapped, taking a very sharp left turn into oncoming traffic. Aziraphale knew it wasn’t meant in a nasty way though, he had over six millennia of experience speaking ‘irritable demon’.

“I’ve been thinking, it would be nice to have that,” Aziraphale stuttered out, staring straight ahead at the road.

“Have what?”

“Oh, you know what I mean! Why are you being so difficult, Crowley?”

“I’m not! I don’t understand half the babble that comes out of your mouth angel and you expect me to when I’m dri--”

“Doyouwanttohavechildren?” Aziraphale asked all in one breath, refusing to look over at Crowley. Crowley jerked violently, nearly driving them into the ditch. A quick miracle prevented their untimely discorporations and the Bently rolled to a stop on the side of the road.

“What?” he asked incredulously jaw hanging open.

“Children!” Aziraphale squeaked, his hands flying up and fidgeting with his collar and bowtie. “I-I’ve become very fond of our Goddaughters and I was thinking--”

“And how exactly--” Crowley’s tone was venomous, though he didn’t know exactly why, “do you suggest we procure these children? Forge up some adoption papers for some human baby?”

“Oh Heavens no!” Aziraphale tittered. “Humans, well they have such a short life span. Though I wouldn’t be opposed, if that’s what you wanted to do. I was thinking more along the lines of the old fashioned way?”

“Know many women looking to have little angel babies or hellspawn then Aziraphale?” Crowley mocked. Honestly, he was being a bit of a prick and he knew it. This wasn’t the type of thing you just brought up on a casual Sunday drive home from a casual social arrangement! It was the type of thing you thing to be spoken about after a few good rounds of fucking, in that warm safe afterglow surrounded by your lover. It was supposed to be a big thing right? Humans made it a big thing. And what about the fact that apparently Aziraphale wanted to… with some human woman? Or that Crowley would have to… eugh.

“Of course not! There was quite enough of that with the Nephilim. No, I was hoping, one of us could do it.”

Crowley was nearly bowled over with shock. As it was his white-knuckle grip was nearly bending the steering wheel. For some reason his mind was supplying images of little blond-haired, pudgy baby angels scampering around their cottage, chased by redheaded little devils. The tiny pitter-patter of their feet, then laughter like bells. The look on one of the children from the Arc’s face when he’d had to explain what happened to their parents. A tiny grave outside a workhouse, mourned by only him and no one else.

“Absolutely not.” The world wasn’t a place for children, Crowley knew that for certain. Nevermind the idea of having one of his own to take care of to be responsible for. It’d been different with the others, temporary and always ‘part of the job’. Having one would be different. Scary.

“Oh.” Aziraphale’s voice was tiny and feather-light in the quiet of the idling Bently. It was the same tone of voice he made when all the crepes were gone, but significantly sadder. It made Crowley feel terrible, like he really was worthy of his Fall.

“What brought this on, angel?” he asked, trying to find a way out that didn’t break Aziraphale’s heart more. “You’ve never even mentioned kids before this. Didn’t think you really liked them, Warlock and the girls aside.”

“No, no, I do like them. Not near the books, mind, but they’re nice enough. They have such good imaginations.” Aziraphale spoke like someone trying very, very hard to give off the impression they were fine. He’d moved on to crumpling and straightening his bowtie repeatedly.

“Nice enough you decided to blindside me with this on the drive home?” Should he turn the car off for this? Another glance at his angel, so clearly distressed, then back at his own shaking hand on the keys convinced him. The silence was even more oppressive without the Bently’s purr.

Aziraphale worried his hands harder and Crowley made a mental note to take the angel out to get his weekly manicure a little earlier. “I didn’t think you’d react like this.”

“And how, exactly, did you think I’d act? This world is fucked up Aziraphale, not to mention what Heaven and Hell would do if we made a bunch of half and half sprogs?” How was Aziraphale not seeing how impossible what he was asking was?  

Finally Aziraphale looked over at him. His grey-blue eyes were soft and sad. It made Crowley want to look away, and he briefly did behind his glasses.

“I--I hadn’t thought about what our previous sides might think, to be perfectly honest,” he admitted, sounding a little embarrassed. “I got caught up in--well, it seems I haven’t thought this through. Forget I said anything, my dear.”

There was the out Crowley had been looking for, a good reason to start the Bently back up and continue on their way. Maybe he could spend the rest of the afternoon in his garden, ripping weeds out of the ground with great fervour. Not that his garden had weeds, but the roses had been slacking so they’d make do.

But he could just leave things as they were now, with Aziraphale looking so crushed. “What were you thinking then? Why now?”

A light blush spread over the angel’s cheeks as he glanced away again. “Oh well, I was only talking to Anathema about the girls, and the new little one coming soon and it sounds so… nice. She and Newt have been very happy and I’ve loved watching the girls get older and learn new things. Then I thought of us doing the same with our own little family and, well I guess I got a bit carried away.”

Carried away was right. The happiness that the Device-Pulcifer family had was not for them, couldn’t be for them. It wouldn't be safe or fair to bring children made of both of them into this world. Not when Heaven and Hell would just want them destroyed.

“We can’t, angel,” Crowley said quietly, letting his hands fall into his lap. “Even if we wanted to you know our ex-sides wouldn’t stand for it. They’ve been leaving us alone but you damn-well know they’d come back if there were kids.”

“So, you do want them? W-with me I mean?” Trust Aziraphale to ignore all the practical bit and cling to that. Crowley shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Angel…” he said warningly, a bit of a growl to his voice. Aziraphale kept going.

“Crowley please, I don’t understand why you’re so against this! You love Charlotte and Annabella, I’ve seen it!”

“Of course I love them!” Crowley said, exasperated. “But we can’t have that. Even if we want to, we can’t. It isn’t safe.”

Another ringing silence where Crowley expected Aziraphale to sigh, then ask him to continue driving. Once home the angel would head back to his reading room with a cup of cocoa and not speak to Crowly for a few hours. Later they’d makeup and it’d be over and done with. But it wouldn’t, not really. No something this important was going to be shoved under the rug, they’d learned their lesson from 6000 of pining.

“I think you are being a coward, Crowley,” Aziraphale said quietly but firmly. “I have never known you to fear Heaven of Hell, not even once. This isn’t about them this is about us.”

Crowley seethed, his lips pulled back in a snarl. “You always see the bright side, you’re never realistic! What happens if we do that then, what happens when Heaven and Hell come and there’s nothing we can do to stop them from taking them away and--”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale cried all pretenses at a hard exterior dropped. “My dearest, you have been thinking about this.”

“We both know Heaven is bad, cold and fucking beurocratic. A bad place for kids. And Hell, they’d be better off dead than in Hell angel make no mistake about that. I can’t--” Crowley took a shuddering breath, staring at Aziraphale, hoping to make him see, “I can’t bring them into the world only for them to be poked and prodded and tortured. I can’t be that cruel. I won’t.”

“But we made sure they won’t be coming after us for a long time, maybe never even. Surely the fact that we’ve been together a decade and not hear so much as a peep means we’re off the hook,” Aziraphale argued. It made Crowley’s blood boil, how naive Aziraphale could be sometimes. How he still, after all this time, believed Heaven and Hell would keep their word.

“There’s no proof of that. And I might like to live life in the fast lane but not if it means getting kids hurt.” Aziraphale went to open his mouth but Crowley continued. “You know 10 years is a blink of the eye for us, and even more so for Above and Below. Talk to me in a millennia angel.”

“But you do want them. You just don’t think it’s safe right now?” Aziraphale looked hopeful again and Crowley didn’t have it in him to crush him a third time.

“Yeah, yeah I guess. But we can’t.” He tried to put emphasis on that last big but Aziraphale was already learning over, placing his hand on Crowley’s shoulder and squeezing.

“Thank you, Crowley. I’m very sorry for calling you a coward, among the other things I said.”

This all felt a little easy to Crowley, but by that point, he was desperate for anything to end it. It gave him an out without having to resolutely say no, something he found almost impossible when it came to Aziraphale. Let him hope that they’d have another 1000 years undisturbed.

“Whatever, angel. Can we finish our drive in peace?” Aziraphale nodded, smiling slightly though his posture was still a little uncomfortable. Crowley shifted the Bently back into gear and felt the warm eat of Aziraphale’s hand rest over his. Even though he was still a little ticked off Crowley allowed it, relieved to know Aziraphale wasn’t actually angry with him for saying no.

“Of course, I won’t say another word about it today.” Crowley noted the add-on of “today” but still kept silent. Something told him he hadn’t quite won this battle yet.

[cuddleslutloki]

I have a genuine question. How often do you actually deal with antis? I've been following you for a bit now and it seems every so often you bring up antis. I've certainly kept my interest about thorki shut and locked away in a box from my friends for the simple fact that all of them think it's incest. It's not an easy topic of conversation but you just seem to handle all the antis so well? Also on an off note about beast!Thor, his favorite pass time must just be rutting into Loki 24/7 🤔

when someone tells you that you're romanticizing abuse [bc i made a stockholm moodboard for a fic] I don't know what I'm supposed to say other than I don't condone it but I write about it? Is writing about abusive relationships bad in writing??? you're the only person i ask for advice so thank you for anything in advance

i’m honestly really glad you came to me. i really do like discussing this topic in this kind of way bc i’ll never reblog an anti or answer an anti ask. even if you’re arguing against them, i don’t think it’s worth it to argue against them if it means also spreading what they’re saying

the basic premise of all anti behavior and ideology is censorship. that’s all it is. 

“i don’t like this topic, you need to stop writing it and making art for it. if you don’t stop there will be consequences.”

that is censorship and that is the kind of shit fandom has had to fight ever since there’s been fandom. women, poc, lgbt+ folks have been dealing with people telling us what we can and can’t write and enjoy for... well, probably forever. but we’re still here, creating the kind of content we want to see and indulge in.

as far as how to deal with antis, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. they want what any bully wants: attention

you stop paying attention, you stop giving them time they don’t deserve from you, they’ll die off. there’s no point in fighting them directly. produce the content you want to see and enjoy what you want to enjoy. drown them out. you don’t owe them a response just because they come to you. they don’t have any qualms about being rude to you, so be rude back and just ignore them. i love blocking antis, personally. take out the garbage, y’know?

antis use the words ship and support as synonyms because they think that shipping is some radical call to action for lgbt rep instead of entertainment

shipping is not activism. shipping is about entertainment and enjoyment, nothing more

so this is why i have this very blasé attitude about antis. i just don’t give a fuck about them beyond making posts trashing their idiocy. because that’s what it is. it’s idiocy, but going deeper it’s puritanism at its finest. antis use fox news scare tactic logic under the guise of some pseudo feminist agenda because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand that enjoying dark fiction as entertainment isn’t equivalent to some greater moral stance

they use the same argument about shipping and fanfiction that WASP moms use against video games and loud music: that enjoying and consuming it will make you think it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it irl

okay, well, vlad the impaler never played CoD or far cry and caligula never watched hentai but we know why i’m bringing them up in this context without even heading over to wikipedia, don’t we?

they use the words abuse and pedophilia waaaaaayy too liberally and they’re doing more harm than good because they’re twisting and warping words that should have very specific meanings by using them so goddamn vaguely and irresponsibly 

my own personal theory is that these people are terrified that if they don’t yell in opposition to these topics 24/7 and actively attack content creators that they’d probably enjoy it, and they’ve been so programmed by the echo chamber of tumblr and twitter that they think this means they’re bad people. 

spoiler alert: that’s not what it means

i literally watched a circle jerk on twitter where screenshots of some mafia starker au got tweeted and retweeted w/ pictures of someone pouring bleach into cereal and people had asked to see more of the post. if you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t hate-read about it. it’s not productive, it does more harm than good if that’s the actual issue rather than some reverse psychology-style enjoyment they’re probably getting out of it.

they claim to hate this shit so much, but they’re reading hundreds and thousands of words and putting these images in their heads of their own free will. i don’t do that with shit i genuinely dislike. i avoid it.

i see antis say they enjoy thorki fanart because they think it’s cute, then they see it’s tagged thorki and they have an over the top reaction because the nature of anti ideology states you should never enjoy something like that, so if you do then you have to make the excuse of ignorance to prove that you’re still innocent and pure. enjoyment is apologism to them because they aren’t content to simply attack fan creators, they want to try and drive away the people who consume our art as well because they know you’re the cornerstone of fandom. consumers are why creators create. yeah, i write because i enjoy it, but i also write to connect to my readers and have people commenting on my fics when they like them.

it’s also worth noting that antis only ever talk about shipping. they only talk about sexual and romantic ships. i’ve never seen an anti talk about (often extreme) levels of violence in canon source material for the ships and characters they want to froth at the mouth over. 

seeing someone bleed out and choking on their own blood after being stabbed or shot or bludgeoned? meh

seeing a character who was once a child have a sexual thought about a character who was also once a child and is also their close friend? omg why are we trying to make fandom unsafe for people?

personally, i’ve also noticed that fandoms with darker canon material tend to have more chill fandoms most of the time. i think it also depends on the average age in a given fandom. there’s a major difference between fannibals and steven universe fans, let’s just say that.

creating a moodboard for a dark fic is not “romanticizing abuse” and at this point antis honestly have no fucking idea what that phrase is. they use those words the way a bored CEO uses social media buzzwords and hashtags in a staff meeting

if antis want to see true romanticizing of abuse then they can go to serial killer thirst tags and spot the fucking differences between shippers and people who forget that ted bundy was weak, flaccid, cowardly piece of shit

writing something dark or violent or whatever else and condoning the act or doing the act are different. this is why stephen king isn’t under government surveillance or in prison.

make no mistake, this anti shit only applies to fandom. they’re attacking creators here because creators out at the professional levels don’t give a fuck. they’ve tried, and they’ve failed. 

creators at the professional level understand something antis don’t: that being able to reconcile your enjoyment of dark media can be a sign of emotional intelligence and good emotional health. it’s cathartic. it’s allowed to be cathartic.

the most common consumers of dark fiction are members of minority communities and people who’ve been emotionally and/or sexually repressed for one reason or another. 

antis want to say that fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and they are 100% correct! because writing fanfiction and original fiction that relates to parts of my life that nearly killed me gives me control over something that was beyond me in the original context. writing about fucked up codependent, violent romance allows me to process my shit in a way that’s healthy and produces something fun and enjoyable.

my therapist knows i ship thorki, she knows i write thorki. i’ve had her read pieces of fanfiction i’ve written in addition to pieces of original fiction. y’know what she said? “wow, baylen, that’s vivid. you have a way with words!”

i read her a line out of smart boy and told her what the story was about and this trained professional said “well it’s a productive way to process some emotion that you clearly need to let out”

but you know what? if someone doesn’t have the trauma i have? let them write it, too! let them create and enjoy the fictional content they want! more cake, y’all!

finally getting around to one of the first parts of your ask, lol. thorki is incest. thor and loki are brothers. they were raised believing they were blood brothers, even. loki being adopted doesn’t change a thousand years of personal history where thor looked at loki and thought that they came out of the same woman, y’know? 

that’s his brother and in the comics his attachment to loki is even more intense. the mcu nerfed that shit. loki’s life has been intrinsically tied to thor’s ability to feel a full sense of joy. 

enjoying an incest ship isn’t some sign of moral depravity. writing abusive relationships isn’t bad. gone girl was made into an award winning movie. art should look like life, and sometimes life fucking sucks. dark stories, sad stories, fucked up holy shit idk if i can go to sleep after i read this stories exist for a reason. we need them. we have to have an outlet for our frustration, our anger, and especially our fear.

so which is the healthier option of these

to write up a piece of fanfiction where two siblings are in love in a way that might be cute and soft or might be destructive, depending on your mood?

or

attacking strangers you don’t know online and threatening violence against anyone who doesn’t think like you do?

i know what kind of person i want to be.

ship and let ship, thanks for reading my doctoral thesis office hours are always

[softgrungeprophet]

it’s that time again. time for me to be annoyed/frustrated at the comics that came in the 20-teens that simultaneously responded directly to the 2000s, followed in the 2000s’ continuation, but completely glossed over and ignored the very serious topics that were brought up. and then we get the fucking 2018 run which does NEITHER and just seeks to make it worse for shock value without being even remotely thoughtful about anything it does! wow.

we could have had some really interesting growth for eddie and the symbiote’s relationship by honestly addressing things like eddie’s illness, hypocrisy as anti-venom, his status as a victim of abuse, and so on...

of course i know if i say “eddie is a victim” people will get hissy but like.... i’m not saying he’s an innocent blameless baby who was manipulated into being the weirdo he is... i’m just saying... he’s a victim of abuse. he’s been taken advantage of a lot. almost any help he’s received has required some kind of reciprocation.

he’s a shithead and he went off the deep-end after new ways to die because remender’s version of eddie fucking sucks, he’s smug and weird and violent, and also he’s been neglected and tortured and abused and experimented on and he needs therapy and blah blah blah

he’s also not some fuckin accidental drunk driver who was hit into thinking he’s innocent. that’s so fucking--jeez. everything about these retcons donny has been doing miss the point even more than the comics he says he loves so much. it’s wild. like i don’t like new ways to die OR new ways to live, remender’s run was okay but i hated the way he wrote eddie, marvel knights spider-man just sucks in general, the hunger 03 also sucks, but like they do feed into each other in a way that.... sort of makes sense....

i just wish there was a way any of the comics would have said, “hey look there are some ways in which eddie is a victim but there are also some ways in which he needs to take responsibility for his actions”

but that kind of nuanced take is impossible for the way these comics are put out and canceled and retconned and so on forever.. it’s so ... ugh.....

the hunger 03 sucks... it also influenced over a decades’ worth of Venom comics including costa’s in its own weird way.... and i just wish we could simultaneously be like, Yes the symbiote is not inherently evil or corrupting but Also it did abuse Eddie, and Yes Eddie has been treated poorly for a great deal of his life and Also is a motherfucker who needs to be held responsible for his actions.

Is this hypocritical to be like, “can we address the 2000s” while also saying “2018 run is not valid”

in my defense even the shitty 2000s were like a continuity and didn’t try to fully retcon every single aspect of venom lore that ever existed (tho it sure did plenty of retconning....) whereas the current run... is doing exactly that....

of course this goddamn run will probably also influence the following comics unless the next writers retcon the retcons or like, ignore it and it gets put into its own earth or something. idk. like no one really counts dark origin right? and that works cause it also had a negligible influence on the rest of the comics. but like, the bad hunger had a very lasting impact on the comics. so i guess we just hope that donny cates, despite currently selling super well, does not actually influence any of the comics that come after?

i don’t fuckin know. i just think it kind of sucks that like “eddie was abused” is something that gets used as either a “lol no that never happened and if you talk about it you hate the symbiote” or else an excuse to demonize the symbiote even after its own character growth arcs in the apparently supremely unpopular gotg and space knight stuff... lol

maybe if every fucking series from 2013 to 2016 (minus costa which is honestly more 2017) didn’t get canned we could have gotten more. like honestly, 2016′s Carnage--for all its flaws--seemed like it had something to say about Eddie as a character, about his flaws and so on, and I gotta wonder where that was going. It flat out says “Venom didn’t make Eddie Brock a bastard” so like? But then at the same time all of the symbiotes in that series were completely silent so? I don’t even know.

Cullen Bunn was clearly going somewhere too but I have no idea where other than “symbiote is alive but has trouble communicating” and “eddie is coming down from his murder spree as he realizes flash thompson is in fact helping people as agent venom”

the two fit together in a very strangely complementary way. sometimes i gotta wonder about a universe in which those two comics in particular ran concurrently to address venom, flash, toxin, and eddie’s many issues. but toxin’s probably gone... though in my heart they are with jubulile and her mom in south africa, learning what it’s like to be part of a loving family...

man. the resigned “Okay.” at the end of twav...... twav good imo.

anyway

i don’t even know what the point of this is. i’m all over the place in this post. it’s frustrating that donny has made it kinda impossible to bring up eddie’s victimhood without like... qualifying it to the ends of the earth to clarify that you don’t think he’s some kind of pure cinnamon roll who’s been dreadfully manipulated for 12 years....

I feel like I’m not making any sense!!! Words are hard.

I feel like I’ve kinda been avoiding writing about the symbiote though in part because it’s hard for me to balance that many characters and in part because of Donny’s stupid bullshit, which is dumb as fuck but I guess that’s what he wanted huh!!!! Need to read Lethal Protector to cleanse my palate but it’s taking forever to get it from the library because they only have one copy.

ugh

The symbiote is not an evil creature like he wants everyone to think... goddammit.... but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t carefully address both its and Eddie’s mistakes without fabricating new different mistakes to obscure the previous ones. Or whatever. Fuckin I don’t know lol the entirety of the continuity is just a bunch of bullshit. 80s-90s continuity largely separate from 2000-20...15ish continuity largely separate AGAIN from the 2016 continuity yet also directly tied to it, against completely separated from the 2018 continuity which is off saying “fuck you” to literally every venom writer to ever exist since Eddie’s conception, ironically including the guy who wrote the cursed hunger

What am I trying to say! I don’t know! i feel like a broken record. There’s a lot of empty space between Agent Venom and 2016 that was never filled! also between 2016 and 2018 lmfao.

Donny “everything went wrong and I’m not going to explain how other than ‘God’ and ‘Eddie lost his job cause screaming symbiote’“ Cates really pullin some shit. what do you mean eddie tends to work toward solving his own problems EVEN WHILE DYING. waid’s mini-story in NWTD showed that eddie, despite being sad and sick and exhausted was still like.... eddie, stubbornly searching out his own solutions and getting angry. ofc i’m not sure how well it succeeded at parts. the comics in those days were still pretty steeped in the weird symbiote hallucinations that it was never clear if they were meant to be caused by the symbiote or just eddie’s sick brain. like the Last Temptation. I have a love-hate relationship with those two issues... I think they’re pretty well-done but also something about them just rubs me the wrong way. 

Anyway back to Cates: it’s not like there wasn’t space for a spiral after FH or anything. You could have really dug into Eddie and the symbiote’s insecurities wrt family and parenting. but nah. let’s just make it so there’s a SECRET CHILD, and oh the pre-established sibling? we could have dug into her and made her a real character. but no, she doesn’t exist, women are either fake or dead or violated.

asshole.

but again like..... the 03 hunger, cursed and bad... like... it’s still workable. you can work with the corrupting forces, the addiction metaphor (on the SYMBIOTE’S part, with adrenaline) and the intense codependency, and still have them move on and into a healthier-by-comparison relationship.

but cates’ run is like... much harder to recover from if it has as lasting of an effect, because it leaves no part untouched, and goes beyond “normal” abuse into really weird unforgiveable territory... like the canon of that comic is the canon in which everything has been completely changed into something unrecognizable.

i joke about my AUs being unrecognizable because, visually at least, they WOULD be unrecognizable for most Venom fans, but the comics inform them as characters a lot in the stories i write in those AUs, from the 96 good hunger, to the 03 bad hunger, to space knight to venom inc, and so on. But donny cates really is out here essentially reverse-engineering retcons to justify his characterizations.

barely related: the way eddie was raised and the way he coped by overachieving and so on and so forth makes me think he would have--despite presumably gaining a great deal of confidence in college once out of his father’s home--been really vulnerable to being taken advantage of by like, other students or teachers, but idk how exactly to articulate what i mean like... uh... not even that he WAS taken advantage of but that his need for validation would have left him open to it... i guess??

that’s got pretty much nothing to do with this post though but kinda ties into what i’ve said before about how i think eddie was a withdrawn and isolated adolescent who only opened up in college. why i disagree with donny’s retcon for that reason in addition to other reasons--the way he’d been shown to be bullied as a kid in previous comics, as well as the lack of history of alcoholism, the clarification in lethal protector that carl wasn’t physical, so on and so forth.

again that’s not related to this post really... and it’s like, a good 50% headcanon, but it makes sense in my head as something that fits his history?? i guess?

[whenispeakicrossmyfingers]

the year ahead

I really liked @joyfulrachel‘s goals for the next ten years, so I’m going to do something similar to that, because maybe if I put these notions somewhere other than my own head, I’ll actually stick to them. (Probably not, but let’s humor ourselves). 

take better care of myself 

this is multifold I think. I’ve recently gone off birth control, which I’ve been on for the last 6 years (!?), and it has made some unwanted changes appear in my life. Namely acne and hormones. So that said, I want to be much more intentional about what I eat and how I take care of my skin and body because I’ve never really been good at that. 2017 I made the effort to have a face routine and I stuck to that fairly solidly for the year and only when I was traveling did I neglect it (I know that’s when my skin needed it the most but I’m still learning how to travel best for myself so maybe that’ll be a goal in the future idk). I also have started eating healthier since moving to France (because I have no friends and no one to go out to eat with lol) and I really like that I’ve done that! That’s something I want to continue doing in 2018 and hopefully it’ll cement itself into my life forever. 

I also want to exercise more. I’m not very good at it, but I want to improve it in a way that is good for me. I really enjoy walking, and I walk nearly everywhere I go, so I want to do that more often. Also yoga or some simple exercises I can do in my apartment that are relatively low impact and don’t leave me completely gasping for air. This goes with the whole intentionality goal that I have for 2018, but I want to be better about my overall health and well being and unfortunately exercise is part of that too. 

read more 

this is a huge goal for 2018. College kind of killed my love of reading because I was doing it so much, and now that I’m in France I can only find French books (still good, but I’m not quite good enough to read full novels in French yet). But in Dublin this past week I got two new books: Sive by John B. Keane, which is actually a play that I saw at the Abbey Theatre in Dublin four years ago that irrevocably changed me, and I’ve been searching for ever since.  The other is How Much the Heart Can Hold: Seven Stories on Love, and I’m v excited to read it because it deals with different types of love, not just romantic. The cover art is beautiful too and I might steal Rachel’s idea (again) and post some thoughts about the books I read this year. To both hold myself accountable and give more of my thoughts to people who haven’t asked for them. 

write more

I’m being published at the end of the month (!!) and I’ve been writing a lot more creatively (it’s all fan fiction tbh but there’s value in it so don’t @ me), and I’ve been talking a lot with @stardustheartbeats about creative writing and prose and basically everything writing related, and it’s reminded me how much I really do love it. I don’t necessarily have aims to write a novel or essays or even really publish anything, but I do miss fiction writing and the joy it brings me. So this year I want to be more intentional about writing and revising--especially revising because I’m terrible at it--so I want to look at old things I’ve written and see if I can breathe new life into them. Or write some new things. Or at the very least, journal with intention, not just when things are falling apart. So yeah, writing more is a big goal of mine just for life in general. 

apply to grad school

I’ve been thinking lately and this just feels like the right step. There are several programs I’ve been looking at, currently all in Europe, but I need to do more research on US based ones too so my mom doesn’t think I’m abandoning her. There are a few in Ireland that would be fantastic, and a few in Oslo that sound incredibly cool. I really need to sit down, weigh out the pros and cons of each, decide which ones I actually want to apply for, and then actually do it. This is actually my main goal for January, because this needs to be done soon. I might scream into this void to do that, so if anyone wants to chat about my future and help me figure out what I’m supposed to do, hmu. I like talking about myself and my passions, but I’m bad at being objective about my own life. 

apply for jobs

In case grad school doesn’t work out! I’ll also need a job when I return to America, so I’m going to need to do this anyway. I’ve always been bad at this, because my college gave me so many connections, that networking and getting jobs via that was so easy. So I need to polish up my resume and send it out to people and hopefully nonprofits will hire me so that I can make a difference in the world and not have to go back to the donut shop I was at. 

improve my languages (and potentially learn a new one?)

I really need to buckle down and work on my French. My goal by the time I leave at the end of April is to be mostly fluent. I know that’s not going to be easy, but that means I need to leave my house more, listen to more French podcasts, and talk to people in French instead of relying so heavily on English as I do.  I also really want to improve my Norwegian. I started learning it around this time last year because of Skam and I ended up really falling in love with it. When I was in Oslo for Christmas, I felt like I could grasp Norwegian about as well as I understood French when I first got to France, which is saying something for having only learned it for a year. It’s also just a really cool language and I like finding the nuances and connections between it and the other languages I know. So I’m probably going to do the same thing I am with French and search out more media in Norwegian (podcasts, movies, music, etc). 

That said, I think it would be really cool to learn another language this year. Probably, if I do, it’ll be something either Romantic or Germanic based (I’m not quite ready to tackle languages with completely different structures, but maybe one day!). So if anyone has language suggestions or wants to talk to me in another language, feel free! I want to practice more, and it’s nice to do it with someone else, rather than just myself. 

use this blog more intentionally

I’m still not entirely sure what I mean by this, but I’ll probably use this more to keep myself accountable of everything I just listed above. I tend to not put a lot of effort into anything I do. Call it laziness, call it a short attention span, call it me being a true Taurus and just preferring to stay in bed all the time. Whatever it may be, I’m going to try to be more intentional about what I do all the time. I’m going to curate my life to what I want it to be, and that might seem silly or superficial to do it with aesthetics and stuff, but knowing me as a person, that’s a good way to ease into caring about everything on a larger scale. So starting small and making a point of doing things, rather than just doing them willy nilly, I think will somehow work it’s way into my life. Hopefully. We’ll see. 

manage my time better

I’m horrible with my time!! I spend too much time watching netflix and not enough time doing other productive things! I need to force myself to be better about that, starting small with making myself write for a bit every day and focusing on my lesson plans. Then maybe making it bigger with other things like the first goal on this list. 

Anyway, that’s enough rambling from me! It’s not ten, but this is all I can think of. These are things that I’ve been thinking about a lot. So, like I said, hopefully me writing them down will hold my accountable for my actions. I really have made strides in the last three months, being on my own and doing things for me, just because they feel good (read: doing the dishes every night, making my bed nearly every day, and actually cooking myself real meals). Here’s to 2018 and the growth it will inevitably bring. Hopefully it’s good. 

[silkyandsurveys]

survey #3

may 17,2020

1)What is your idea of an ideal date?

i love the idea of an amusement park date? it’s so cliche but it’s so cute and fun cause it would just be such a fun time to just laugh with each other and be soft and cute

2)When did you last unexpectedly gain money?

hmmm that’s hard. i just today applied for unemployment and those results will be coming back soon ? hopefully? but then my mom said that my old job is looking for people to take food to cars so i might be doing that and getting some good money so not anytime recently but i’m guessing in the soon future i will

3)What are your favorite preparations of vegetables?

I’m sorry but just extremely soft broccoli and butter with salt and pepper is so good and classic

4)What are your plans for the rest of the day?

uhm it’s 7:08 pm so take my medicine and shower and then just play on my phone for a couple hours until bed

5)What is your favorite movie soundtrack?

this is so hard because i don’t watch a lot of movies. this may seem odd because of course but the bohemian rhapsody movie but that doesn’t really count. love simon is great same as fault one our stars idk

6)If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

i really don’t know. part of me wants to say go and like do something crazy but what can you really do that’s ~crazy~ in 24 hrs. i would just go see all my friends. say things i never had the courage to say in the past to certain people hug everyone idk

7)If you came along with a theme song, which song would it be and why?

omg something super bright and sassy for sure!! i can’t think of something necessarily. maybe something harry styles?

8)If you could invite 5 people to a dinner party, living or dead, who would you choose?

this is so hard but why do i wanna say ot5 one direction and literlaly just make all of them speak to each other.

9)What is Victoria's secret?

that she’s fatphobic and transphobic oops

10)If you had to be trapped in a tv show for a month, which tv show would it be and why?

omg 10000000% glee OMGGGGGG i would die but also stranger things would be hella vibes and lowkey scary but fun

--------------------

1. Have you ever moved to a different city?

No only ever moved house

2. Do you ever forget names of people you know well?

i’m not as bad with names as i am faces idk i’m just bad at that in general

3. If you could trade lives with a cat, would you do it?

uhm maybe for like a day? they legit just sleep and scratch you so?

4. Have you ever been lost? Was it frightening?

A couple times i think? driving can get very confusing

5. Do you enjoy doing new or shocking things?

sometimes i do sometimes i don’t. it’s very depending on whether i’m like mentally prepared for the information

6. Would you rather be lost in a forest or a city?

the city alone but the forest with someone

7. What is the biggest discovery you have made about yourself growing up?

that i really am quite odd? like i’m very different from what normal people in my area are. not to sound quirky but it’s true. i’m also very very adaptive to lots of different people and groups

8. Do you want to have children and a family?

yes one day. i can’t ever imagine a time though

9. Have you ever seen something strange and no one believed you?

yes!!!!

10. Have you ever had a crush on someone much older than yourself?

no actually. other than celebrity crushes of course

11. Have you ever been separated from someone?

yes. my like biggest crush of my entire life moved away a couple years ago and it was actually really hard and made me grow up

12. Do you cry over books/movies/shows/etc.?

yes i specifically watch movies to cry sometimes i’m just a really emotional person but i have a hard time naturally crying to my problems on my own

--------------------

Are there any subjects you’ve made an effort to learn about despite no obvious relevance to your daily life?

yes definitely

Have you or would you ever turn down a promotion if it meant moving somewhere new?

it really really depends. right now? no. i’m not ready to move away at this very moment but in the future ? maybe? depends on who i’m with and how happy i am where i am

Do you have someone you can carry on full conversations with and not get tired of them?

yeah definitely i have a couple friends who i really love having conversations with and we can have conversations about the same things over and over and not get bored

Who is your celebrity crush?

harry styles tehehe

Have you ever broken a bone?

no but i’ve bruised them and also gotten very bad sprains. got very close to breaking my ankle and foot tehe

What is one thing you were really good at as a kid?

crafts? i use to love polymer clay and i was actually quite good at it.

What is one thing about humanity that baffles you?

the fact that schools don’t teach about current events and the injustice of america and how freedom is so selective and UGH

How are you at fixing things?

very good. it’s almost a problem i feel like it’s my responsibility to make things easier and better for other people

Do you have any martial arts training?

no ma’am could be fun but

Do people tend to come to you for advice?

yes!!!

If you knew it would prevent a catastrophe or end a war, would you ever willingly sacrifice your own life?

i got to be really honest. no.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

i love love love telepathy but i think invisibility or transportation would be my top picks

--------------------

Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?

uhm if i could get a large extension on my young life? yes but idk i wouldn’t want to be completely 100% immortal.

If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?

omg hopefully my soulmate? but if i had to pick someone rn y’all i gotta say harry styles

If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

ignorance

Do you have any regrets?

yes and no. i know my decisions of my life have led me here but at the same time i always have a bad habit of looking back and wondering if things would be different if i made a different decision. i do regret little baby things though like not going to a 1d concert lmao

Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?

i’m an independent person with chains i haven’t been able to strip yet

If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?

yeah definitely

Do you miss anyone right now?

yes. i miss my friends but i also miss people who used to be in my life but not them now them before. it sounds sad but

If you could get away with anything, what would you do?

steal!!!! bro i would legit steal so quick if i could get away with it

What are you like when you’re by yourself?

so out there? i like romanticize my life in my head when i’m alone so i get a little crazy but i’m also way more open when i’m by myself

What would you change about yourself?

id love to be more confident? definitely would like to be healthier

If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?

i would want to do whatever they wanted to do. hug them tell them i loved them

If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?

make a super rich person give me all their money

If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?

a credit card that had no limit

What would someone have to do to get in your pants?

that would be hard work as this lady is a virgin queen but idk

What’s one thing you can’t live without?

music. i used to never think this way but now i 100% do

--------------------

What did you used to have that you are happier without?

a dad LOL

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

chicken for sure but also fruit gummies

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

18 or 21 18 would be perfect if it weren’t for drinking

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

sing!!! i love singing so being good at it would be great

What sound do you love?

walking on leaves. the typing noise on a phone. laughing. cracking knuckles. a starbucks glass bottle opening. record players

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?

elizabeth from pride and prejudice

What do you want to be when you grow up?

something in social media

What do you miss most about being a kid?

being carefree and not caring what people thought about me

What is something you learned in the last week?

certain words and their meanings from uquizzes lol

Would you rather be really attractive or really smart?

this is actually hard because i’m like averagely smart and i’m so satisfied but i’m not satisfied with my looks so

What are your phobias?

vomit is #1

If one song were to describe your life, what song would it be?

i have a playlist but i could never describe in just 1 song.

What is one habit of yours that no one knows about?

i pick my skin off my thumb?

What annoys you the most?

rude people. people who brag about their lives. negativity.

If you could change your first and middle name to anything, what would it be?

i wouldn’t change my first and middle i would only change my last

[ramle17-18]

10/8-10/14

ok so sunday (the 8th) is when i finally got out of bed and felt comfortable going for a walk, so i walked to the shuk by myself, did a little bit of shopping (and bought a scale!), and then took the bus by myself for the first time. 

to be completely honest, i haven’t done anything for all of sukkot. barely left the house (although being sick for like a week was a good excuse for a lot of it lol). marleigh keeps judging me for it but like. whatever

we finally got martyrs to work the other night, and i didn’t really like it lol, and then last night i watched 2 eps of black mirror with matt because i wanted to stay up to wait for sultana to get home from the airport, which was around 11:30. she was happy to see me i guess but when marleigh came downstairs she freaked out, which, i mean it makes sense it just. yknow . whatever!

i feel bad because i feel like between here and my main blog i complain about marleigh a lot, like definitely more than anyone else, and that’s really not how i feel about her. i really do like her a lot, we’re friends, and i’m really glad i’m going to be working with her this school year over any of the other three options (all the kids would like sultana more than me, matt and i would butt heads a lot i’m sure, and rachel and i don’t have personalities that would be compatible for that kind of job). 

i think i just feel like marleigh is judging me all the time. she always makes comments about how i like don’t do very much in my free time or how i never leave the house, or i’m so critical that i’m never satisfied with anything, etc. tries to offer me advice for like..weight loss and mental illness without a) knowing what she’s talking about or b) knowing anything about me. very much one of those like ‘positive thinking and yoga will cure you! just stop being so negative!’ people and like at some point she was trying to tell me that i should be eating 2000 cal a day because that’s what’s recommended, and that 1100-1200 is way too little and i’m starving myself. but . hi i’m 4′10 and trying to LOSE weight, if i ate 2000 cal every day i would gain like a pound every week lmfao

speaking of weight loss, though, i was 140 lbs this morning :) so i’m only 12 lbs away from my lowest weight when i lost all that weight a couple years ago. although it’s been VERY difficult for me to see it in the mirror still. those green shorts might (hopefully) fit soon though, i think. which is good because i’m running out of options. not sure what i’m gonna do when it gets cold enough for long pants and i have 3 pairs of leggings and 1 pair of jeans lol. maybe go clothes shopping since i really have some cash left over from the stipend, at least this month. i’m aiming for 110 (or maybe 107.5 just so it’s an even 70 lb loss which sounds impressive lmfao) but tbh i might wanna go down to 105 or 100 depending on how i feel. definitely (probably) not below that, though. what’s annoying is that there are very few people i can talk to about my ultimate goal bc most people, like mom, would be like THAT’S TOO LOW YOU’RE GOING TO STARVE YOURSELF when in fact it’s directly in the middle of the recommended weight for my height, and since i’m not packing very much muscle i think it would actually make a lot of sense for me to hover around there. when i’m there i’ll try to start recomp because it would be nice to be a little toned, but for now i’ll settle with the goal of being able to feel comfortable being photographed lmfao. 

i did start c25k up again, though, i’ve only done 2 days so far and i probably should be doing day 3 right now instead of writing this, but i haven’t slept well the past 2 nights so i’m probably just going to do it tomorrow instead. and i also started doing a very small amount of bodyweight exercises. my fear is, of course, that it’ll slow down my weight loss, which it will, and as much as i know to trust the science of “just because you’re not losing weight doesn’t mean you’re not losing fat, muscle weighs more than fat” etc, it’ll be really discouraging not to have that marker that i can graph every day just to know where i’m at. that’s another thing, if (certain) people in the house knew i weighed myself every morning they’d probably flip their shit and think i’m neck-deep in an eating disorder, when in reality it’s so much healthier for me to see the daily fluctuations and be able to look at it as a trend line. if i only weighed myself once a week, let’s say i weigh myself after a day of exercise, or after a particularly sodium-filled day, or just a day i didn’t drink as much water as i thought i did, i would be really upset and discouraged to see a gain on the scale. but in doing it every day i’m much more okay with fluctuations and it’s helpful to see that the overall trend is still going waaay down. i mean i’ve lost almost 40 lbs. (which you’d think i would be able to see in the mirror by now lol)

hmm i feel like i’m not using this journal in a way that will make me happy i kept it. i mean, it’ll be cool to know how i was feeling about certain things, and it’s a personal journal instead of a blog, but i still feel like i’m going to look back and be like “why did you spend so much time complaining about your roommates and talking about your weight loss instead of describing your experience abroad, dumbass?” but also as i keep pointing out to literally everyone, we still haven’t started teaching yet. (two days!!) once we’re there i think i’ll have more to talk about.

the first few days of november we’re going on a 3-day trip to the negev and eilat. i’m excited for it, but also really anxious lol. we also didn’t get to pick our roommates this time like we did last time (although idk if sultana and marleigh would’ve even wanted me to room with them again, they probably would want sydney or rebecca) and i’m really hoping they don’t just stick us with some random people for 2 nights.

we were offered 4 tracks for the educational sector of the program: technology, bedouins, the gaza strip, and the black hebrew israelites. naturally i picked the bedouins lmfao i have no interest in hearing masa propaganda about how hard it is for the israelis to live in gaza (the email seriously was like “learn how these people live as they just try to keep their families safe in the settlements....ok then don’t fucking illegally settle on other peoples’ land?), etc etc. of course the gaza one was the most popular lol. but i was told aaron jaffe is anti-israel (and everyone was like “uhhh why are you even on this program” like shut up lol) and i think he’s doing the bedouin track as well, which was pretty small last time i looked, so even though we haven’t talked before maybe i can strike up a conversation about it because i haven’t been able to talk about it with anyone yet and it’s getting tough.

and then we basically have like a day of free time, during which i’m hoping to go snorkeling and/or swimming with dolphins, which will be amazing. maybe i’ll go shopping or something. but beyond that i don’t know what i’m going to do or who i’m going to hang out with, which makes me worry that i’m either gonna just be following people around like a lost puppy (as usual) or holed up in my room “relaxing” for shabbat because so many activities are optional. there’s an early morning hike on the second day but i decided not to sign up because i don’t particularly like hiking, it’ll be hot down there even though it’s november, and i probably wouldn’t enjoy myself. it just didn’t seem like the best time for a physical challenge, a 2-3 hour hike up and down mountains or whatever. but it’s fine.

oh, i totally forgot to mention that matt and i smoked together! it felt so high school, smoking out of an apple pipe and getting high off such a small amount (for him, i think for me it was pretty standard lol). it was fun though, we watched se7en and then i went to bed early. i think indica makes me too sleepy. 

he made weed butter too which i tried but didn’t find worth it, it took like 2 hours before i felt anything and then literally all i wanted to do was go to sleep. so i don’t think i’m gonna have any of that again. which is fine because i don’t want that to be a regular thing, anyway. i don’t wanna get sent home lol