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rushingheadlong · 8 months

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Today is the 30th anniversary of Brian’s concert at the Palace Theater in New Haven, CT, USA. And since this is my favorite solo show Brian has ever done, I wanted to finally put together a proper post about the concert and why I love it so much.

First, a bit of background about the tour in general… For about 40% of the shows on the tour, the Brian May Band was not the main act at all. From late February to early July 1993 Brian was touring almost exclusively in support of Guns’n’Roses; they had some shows during this time where they were the headlining band but those were (generally) few and far between. It wasn’t until October 1993 that Brian set out on a tour that was exclusively his, with the Brian May Band as the only headliner and with no other support bands joining them.

It’s also important to remember that nearly everything about solo touring was entirely new to Brian, and while he can look back on it all with fondness now that ‘newness’ did cause legitimate issues during the tour itself. One of the biggest recurring problems was the new wireless system they were using for the Red Special.

(Brian, sans curly lead, at Brixton Academy)

The lack of cable meant that Brian had the freedom to move around that he needed as a frontman, but it also meant that they were dealing with constant signal issues and interference. And by “they” I mean Brian and a temporary guitar tech, because this tour took place after Jobby left but before Pete Malandrone came along.

So, with that out of the way… Why is this my favorite Back to the Light concert?

Well for one thing, it’s the best quality bootleg we have from the tour. Really the only video that’s in better quality is the professionally-filmed Brixton Academy show, and that one was edited for release to remove the explicit ending to Love Token and Brian’s cover of “God (Dream Is Over)”. In fact for the longest time the October New Haven show was pretty much the only source we had for “Dream Is Over” at all because it was never performed when they were touring with GNR.

So even though there weren’t any special one-off songs during the New Haven concert, this is really the only easily-available (i.e. on youtube) bootleg we have that includes the original full setlist and the complete encore. Some sections of video are missing, but they’re generally short moments between songs; very little of Brian’s actual performance is missing, and even better the audio quality is fantastic as well.

That's not to say that it's a perfect bootleg, or even a perfect show for that matter. The technical issues that were endemic to this tour are absolutely present here too, from Jamie’s guitar not coming in on his solo to major tuning problems with Brian's acoustic. But IMO that doesn't detract from things too much at all, because the band is far enough into this whole production that they know how to work around these things. You can see those moments when Brian gets frustrated but it doesn't get the best of him, not like it did in South America:

(Brian frustrated by technical issues in Chile)

By the time October 1993 rolls around the Brian May Band is a well-oiled machine. They know how to brush off the mistakes and cover for the inevitable problems that happen during any live show. And when things are going alright for the band and Brian looks more happy than not during shows, it's sometimes easy I think to forget how very not alright Brian still was on a personal level.

Because this final stint of touring kicked off less than two years after Freddie's death. The therapy that Brian found through Back to the Light wasn't in the making of the album, which was nearly finished before Freddie died, but in the touring specifically. Which means that by the time the band rolls into New Haven, Brian's been working through his grief onstage for less than a year. After knowing Freddie for over 23 years and spending 16 of those almost exclusively performing live with Queen.

Saying that Brian was still "not alright" in October 1993 is actually a massive understatement. The worst of his depression, anxiety, and grief is absolutely still there, but Brian keeps working through it - both literally, as he continues with the tour, and figuratively as he uses that tour as his therapy.

But as anyone who’s been in therapy can tell you, it’s not always linear. So when your therapy is performing with your band and you have a momentary backslide…

Well, you pretty much get this exact concert.

I’ve talked about some of this before, most recently in this post where I talk about Brian’s visible reaction to the audience participation in Love of My Life, but honestly I did that moment a disservice by stripping it out of the context of the rest of the show. Because yes, he’s reacting to the audience there (and I'll talk more about the audience later) but critically Brian has been off his game since the start of the show.

(Brian already looking Over It™ after only a few songs)

If you haven't watched (m)any of the BttL concerts, it can be hard to pick up on a lot of this without the additional context of Brian's behavior during other gigs. Brian has always been the most confident while performing and he's comfortable with this band now, so on first watch it’s easy to see him enjoying himself and think that the few moments of overt discomfort are outliers born out of Brian’s unfamiliarity with being a frontman.

But once you start watching more of his concerts, you realize that Brian only seems so comfortable because he’s avoiding going “off script” in his interactions with the audience whenever possible.

The first time this is really apparent comes at the start of Love Token. The introduction to the song is pretty standard across the tour, but what's missing is Brian talking to the audience before launching into things. He tells them, "You guys are great." but the rest of the typical chatter and comments about not having been to New Haven in a while are turned into part of the Love Token opening monologue.

(New Haven, before Love Token)

In contrast, a week later in Milwaukee, Brian does the happy-to-be-back bits entirely separate from Love Token and he explicitly mentions when he was there before with Queen. He's having a genuine moment with the audience outside of the music, and you can tell from his tone of voice and how he’s talking that he’s not doing this on autopilot.

(Milwaukee, before Love Token)

That's something that seems simple, but it still requires talking off-the-cuff to a theater full of people. And if you're already having a rough night, why put yourself through that if you can simply roll it into part of the song and make it a bit more routine for yourself instead?

Then we get into Love of My Life, and I know I already talked about some of this before but amazingly that moment where Brian physically curls in on himself during the song is not the only tell that this isn’t a good night for him.

Again, we have to take a look at Brian’s interactions with the audience because LoML is one of the parts of the show where he can’t avoid talking to them even if he wanted to. What he specifically says can vary wildly from one night to the next, but there are three main beats he usually tries to hit:

Asking the audience to sing along

Telling them that this song is for Freddie

Acknowledging that he wasn’t the one who originally wrote the song

I say “usually” because Brian doesn’t always mention that 3rd point. Often he just says that this is for Freddie and launches into LoML, without any commentary on the song not being “his”.

Sometimes he does mention it but leaves it a little vague, like in March 1993 in New York when he said, “This is something that I don't usually sing and to be honest I get doubts as to whether I should or not.” And sometimes he laughs it off a bit, like he did in Milwaukee in October 1993 when he said, “And it isn't because I was thinking that I have the right, it's just because I really wanna do it."

Regardless of how it’s said, Brian’s emphasis is still on the song being for Freddie. Any comments he makes about his “right” to perform it are almost always secondary to his assertion that he’s doing this in memory of his friend - but not when he gets to New Haven:

(New Haven, before Love of My Life)

In New Haven, Brian (accidentally) puts the focus on the song’s ownership. His slight hesitance and fumbling over his sentence inadvertently puts the emphasis on his own anxieties and mental state, so when he does mention Freddie his grief seems to come through stronger than it may otherwise have done.

Then Brian starts playing and although we have to acknowledge again that he’s having technical issues here, you can still tell the difference between his background emotional state on this night and his frustrations with his guitar. Because when Brian’s problems are external, he reacts and emotes to them externally - but when his problems are internal, he reacts by turning inwards on himself.

(New Haven, during Love of My Life)

Both of those gifs are from LoML. On the left he’s clearly frustrated by the guitar and/or his playing. He’s making a face, shaking his head, trying to adjust to fix it… He’s not exactly going out of his way to hide that there’s an issue there.

But on the right, when the audience sounds a bit too much like they would have with Freddie and their singing is starting to get to him, Brian’s reaction is to close off. He goes still, his face becomes blank, he turns the mic away from him so it can’t pick up any noises if he starts crying again…

(Yes, again, because I’m not going to swear on my life that that’s what’s happening earlier in the song…. but Brian does wipe something away from his face and sometimes that’s enough to make you wonder…)

(New Haven, Brian wiping his face during Love of My Life)

A few songs later and we arrive at Too Much Love Will Kill You. It’s another moment for Brian to talk to the audience, although he usually doesn’t say anything. At both Milwaukee and Brixton, Spike starts playing and Brian just comes in singing. But in New Haven, Brian feels the need to give the audience a little “warning” before they start…

(New Haven, before Too Much Love Will Kill You)

This is Brian’s anxieties coming through again, plain and simple. There’s no need to tell the audience that this part of the show “terrifies” him. If anything there’s a stronger argument to be made that the better, safer option would have been for Brian to say nothing rather than priming the audience to expect this to be imperfect.

Except the audience has already seen the imperfections. Even if they aren’t picking up on every little tell that Brian is having an off night, at this point they’ve already gotten through LoML. Everyone in that theater has already beared witness to his small come-apart during that song, and you know that Brian is absolutely still thinking about that moment as Spike starts the opening notes of TMLWKY.

Here he is, about to sing another slower and more emotional song, only this time he doesn’t have the familiarity of his guitar to fall back on or to hide behind if something goes wrong again. If he’s remembering LoML then surely the audience must be thinking of it too - and surely they must be waiting for him to fuck up again, so clearly the best thing for Brian to do is to preempt this song so the audience knows that this is difficult even on the best of nights.

That’s obviously all speculation but, as someone with an anxiety disorder myself, sometimes it just makes you want to apologize for everything. Whether you’ve actually done something wrong is irrelevant, because the anxiety will always find ways to make it feel like you’re “failing” in some way.

Brian can’t outright apologize to his audience. He’s stuck in his frontman role with a certain script to follow and he can’t break kayfabe to say “Sorry” without ruining the entire atmosphere of the show. What he can do is to admit to the things they should already know - in this case, that being onstage without his guitar is unusual and uncomfortable for him - and let them infer the rest.

He does nearly the same thing again when he talks to the audience at the start of the encore. He always thanks them for coming out to the show, but it feels a little more heartfelt at New Haven.

This part is impossible to gif but the first thing Brian says is, “Let me tell you, this is no bullshit, you guys are amazing. Because there's not that many of us here tonight and I appreciate you guys turning out and making that kind of noise.”

And I promise I’ll get more into the audience in a bit, but the fact that this wasn’t a well-attended show is SO important here as is Brian’s acknowledgment of that. This is really his last chance to say anything to the audience and he decides to specifically thank them for being loud enough to make up for the lack of attendance.

If that doesn’t say something about where his anxieties may have been focused - and what moments from the show struck a genuine chord with him - then I don’t know what does.

After that, Brian only has one more thing to say before he starts introducing “Dream Is Over”...

(New Haven, before the encore)

This is as close as Brian can get to saying, “I’m sorry but I’m doing my best.” He’s saying that he’s giving the audience everything he can and it sounds like an apology anyway. And then he has to steal himself to start the intro to the song, which he always has to do, but it hits a little harder when it’s preceded by that and not by something more like this:

(Milwaukee, before the encore)

And if you’ve made it through this nightmarishly long dissertation about every reason this show is heartbreaking and all the ways you can tell that Brian is having a rough go of it, you’re probably wondering “Rushing what the fuck is wrong with you that THIS is your favorite???”

Which, valid. But it’s my favorite because I think it’s both incredibly important and, honestly, very humbling to see Brian like this.

This isn’t the Tribute Concert, where everything is still so raw and performing hurts as much as doing nothing at all. This isn’t 1992 in South America where Brian can channel his grief into his frustration and push it out on the techs every time something goes wrong. This isn’t an opening show for GNR, where Brian’s time is more limited and even if he gets emotional he’s (probably) not the reason everyone in the theater is there.

This is Brian, not quite two years on from Freddie’s death, still mourning and still extremely depressed and anxious. And this is what it looks like when Brian has to push through that and put on a show anyway. The ways in which he both pulls away from the audience and tries to open up to them give insights not just into the state of Brian’s mental health at the time, but how that affected everything else about him from the way he carried himself to his mannerisms to how he followed the script of his own concert.

The October New Haven concert is a stark reminder of the depths of Brian’s depression and just how much time it takes a person to claw their way out of that.

And the other reason I love this concert is that you absolutely can also see the progress that Brian has already made.

Because despite the 2,500 words dissecting all the ways in which Brian was not fine during this show, there are still plenty of moments where it’s abundantly clear that he was enjoying being able to perform his music with this band.

(New Haven, Brian looking happy)

He’s visibly delighted every time he realizes that Jamie has shimmied over to join him without him realizing. He keeps looking over to everyone on his right and grinning. Whenever he really nails a difficult guitar line you can almost see the confidence boost that it gives him.

Yes, Brian is depressed and struggling but when he’s onstage he’s still Brian fucking May. He’s in his element and he is nailing it, despite the technical hiccups and emotional moments and everything in-between.

I love this concert because you see the depths of who Brian is as a person: his musicianship and how he uses that as a crutch to keep himself moving forward, the love he has for both the friends he’s performing with and those who are gone, his fears and anxieties and moments of deep self-doubt, the guitar legend he grew up to be and the incredible frontman he didn’t realize he could be, and the tired person simply trying to find himself anew after 20 years spent as someone he can’t return to anymore.

And there’s one final, very important reason that I love this show so much: the audience. (I promised we’d talk about them eventually, didn’t I?)

Brian has always been someone who thrives on the atmosphere of a live show and by god was New Haven determined to give him everything they could. They were loud, they were enthusiastic, and you can see Brian responding to that.

(New Haven, Brian looking happy because of the audience)

Brian pulls himself back together after the audience starts cheering for him during LoML. During band introductions they applaud for him long enough that it bleeds into the next song, and despite himself Brian smiles at it. And every time they recognize a Queen song you can see Brian responding to something familiar to him again.

Do you know how hard it was to get even these three gifs? Not because finding the moments was difficult, but because this audience is enjoying themselves so much that their arms are blocking the view more often than not.

Look, I am stupidly biased about this show because I’m a CT native - not from New Haven, but this is still a “home” show for me. Brian walks out wearing that tank top and I get why he wore hometown shirts for the encores even though I fucking hate Yale. This show could have been the most run-of-the-mill, routine concert imaginable and I would still find some way to write 3,000 words waxing poetic about it.

But this wasn’t a routine concert - or maybe a better way to put it would be, this was an incredibly routine concert made remarkable because of far Brian’s mask has slipped and what that inadvertently reveals to us. It’s incredible because the quality of the bootleg means we can actually see the little details of expression that otherwise are often lost.

The October New Haven concert is my favorite from Brian’s first solo tour because it proves the entire point he was making with the album. It’s a performance that shows us that Brian was finding his way Back to the Light - and that even when he was still in the dark, he was “still the same old [him] inside” despite everything that changed.

#brian may #brian harold may #brian may solo #queen #queen band #text #long post //#ramblings #brian #HEY WARNING THIS IS 3200 WORDS SO CLICK THROUGH AT YOUR OWN RISK

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