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meandmyechoes · 4 years

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A collection of diaries.

[Jun 12th, 2020 9:09:49pm]

idk, really feeling like getting away from the Earth for awhile.

The Artemis Fowl movie is coming out. actually, has come out by now. and I’m having a good time rereading the books but I’m still too early in the series to decide whether I should scrap the rest and jump straight to the movie. I probably shouldn’t - in the sense that I should brush up the first book (since I just finished 2 this afternoon and sped past half of 3 just now), watch the movie, then have the rest of the series to fall back on. I remember the excellent plots in 456 and would love for a bit more time to savour them. 7 and 8 is important for Artemis’s character so eventually I should arrive there as part of a thorough re-read, just not sure how all that’s gonna fit into my simultaneous tumblr schedule.

It was never a question that I’m gonna make gifset(s) for the AF movie. Not sure if anyone out there would be focused on afedits but it wouldn’t be surprising if one or two random passer-by post a gifset or two to commemorate the event. Again with edits, time is of the essence, especially when I intend to promote the movie via trailer sets. But I do fear I end up having more prompts than expected like with TCW which now span 8 pages. I mean, even 10 AF gifsets would’ve been quite the workload. and when I do have that much inspiration, I would’ve to delegate to littleafthings, or afparty for a wider audience for stuff like single character/scene sets as not to clog up the main Clone Wars programming. and I do slightly want to get in touch with the old AF fandom (who happens to cross paths again in TCW! what a chance!) to see like how much people are still around. :/

ah with Clone Wars.

well, I have THREE stock gifsets ready in the drafts so it’s not like I’m pressured to publish anything. But I do want to keep making new gifsets (esp. for Echo and Fives) so I can publish these stock ones! especially meta fuel like my padawan! I don’t really have a solid take on it, because it’s not like a big naming thing. and I’ll be reviewing name dynamic anyway along with translation series. which led me to want to finish the movie for name dynamic first. i only have 2.5 now and i planned on 5? for the movie. there probably won’t be that much notes in regard to the movie but idk, i NEED to finish that business.

another thing i’ll be interested in working on is the biology metas, since the old lekku post flared up again. right now there’s actually 3 going on. i’ll be polishing stress/stripes first, because the main argument checks out, i just need some more backup knowledge of hormone system and adolescence growth of humans and see i could streamline and merge human and togurtan system. I also need some visual aids to help popularize it i guess, :/ but i wasn’t intending it to be a full-blown rebelsoka model analysis/comparison because that was more or less a given, i don’t even have an artist’s eye for it :/ and i kinda only did the first lekku post because the visual aid was already available for me to steal :/ I mean, I could do it :/ but it’s also more work :/

before the lekku post re-flare, I was gearing up to make the Kiros ecology post because I became interested in categorizing montral arch shapes (for women at least) that was just a beginning idea and i meant to take my time to do that. but with the flare it feels like i should publish something quick in response first so i guess i’ll dust off that draft again.

I discussed sth about Force inheritance with little bro last night, it wasn’t an exactly enlightening conversation but we did think alike so often so much, he just understands the way I think, and we raised some more interesting questions. mostly regarding if a person’s midichlorian count stays constant through out their life - does it go down with severed limbs? or go up with embryos? which led to when exactly do midicholrians enter a person’s ‘life’? Thus, what happen to midichlorians after its host’s death? Would most rejoin the Cosmic Force? and the Force ghost appearance mechanism? what happen to their midicholrians? Since MC are defined as a ‘conduit’ of the Force, is it the necessary medium for a consciousness ‘one with the Force’ to manifest in the physical plane? If so, are those their midichlorians or midichlorians from the surroundings (because the Force is ‘an energy field created by all living things’?

you can see I have some predisposition about my own questions but a lot of them remain unanswered.

What category of symbiosis does “midicholorian-life” falls into?

Midichlorians live inside the body so endosymbiosis.

Both species benefits so mutualism.

But is it obligatory (both dies) or facultative (one survives)?

This definition is essential to answer the interchange of midichlorians in the Cosmic Force and the physical plane (i.e. its human host and the Living Force). From there, one could tackle on the equillibrium - balance of the Force in an energy/numerical sense.

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[Jun 22nd, 2020 4:41:07pm]

another tumblr draft therapy session. this is going to be ALL over the place.

I just want to - sing? I’m sleepy and don’t want to do anything. but I have like, duties. and things/wip left from last week and over the weekend to attend to.

A main reason of things piling up is not (just) because of me procrastinating, but I’ve also been reacting a lot. that’s actually causing me to lose focus in my own compass. not to say regarding the blog that grand, but (selfishly) on a personal level like I want to get (those) things done.

It’s a bit of pressure from both the follower pressure* that i feel a little“monitored” in my actions, and a personal drive to fulfillment. I’ll come on and dash, mostly just out of habit and it’s not like everything is mind-blowing every day. But I got inspired by the fandom’s creativity a lot, even though that’s winding down. Besides the couple of stories I want to work on seeing other people’s art (that I have a small part in requesting), I’ve been getting tagged in’s and messages. it’s just me to react to people liking my stuff. I’m still surprised and thankful for every reaction i get, even though the tumblr population and thus the culture - gifset format and their habits in like/reblog ratios has changed drastically since 2016.

I always feel like I open my tumblr drafts - and then don’t want to do anything. Right now it’s probably more related to my physical fatigue, after a week of going out every day under the 30°+ glaring sun. I’ve been setting daily goals and never getting around to finish them - then dragging on to only sleep at 4am. Not healthy. This pattern has even lasted a whole week already! (if not a month!)

and it’s just - a weighing ton of workload - that while I’m happy to work on/through - in the same time became a bit intimidating. I know that I’ll feel more satisfied when I’m finished with them, and I honestly find joy in doing work like this - creating for my favourite story & fandom. but everything from every aspect piling on me at once left me a little bit sour. (*╯︿╰)

and I really feel like screaming from the bottom of that pit.

you see i’ve been keeping a queue since the amazing stuff from a month ago was so blooming while my post frequency and number has went down. it feels like a lot has left (temporarily) again now the hype is over. and i surely don’t and can’t blame them for not living on the internet 24-7. but i sure do feel a bit maladjusted in the finale aftermath. like i’m locked in this hell hole and everybody else has moved on for recovery shows and new hobbies. I can’t even find interest in a prolonged activity. I do have a lot of backup interests/hobbies to fall back on, but I seem to have no attention span to stay anywhere but tumblr. :(

I’m always so uptight into checking the activity page it’s almost pathological. I’m always refreshing it looking for sth to react, while my sanity demands otherwise. It’s only if nobody on tumblr is looking for me at my posts that I feel safe enough to retreat to a soundproof cave or I’m ignoring people. and it’s conflicted because I do like interacting with other people who are as passionate as I am about my favourite people. however the truth is I’m not good at making/keeping friendships* so it could be a strain on my lazy ass :(

Reasonably, I know I should set a particular time to check activity only, or just close the site/log off for the while. I should work harder at keeping limits like that just to coach myself into shape.

Also I should mention this weird adjust to U.S. time that left my work day to start circa 22:35...

#sometimes i forget coffee fix everything #i just need to aggressively karaoke

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[Jun 24th, 2020 3:52:51pm]

everyone is so fuckin’ talented on this site...

i’ve always wanted a sewing machine, even clothes-making is a very very low-ranked hobby of mine, and i’m no way skilled at that...

and i’m finally buying it for my 23rd birthday, in trade for new book space in the house....

everyone artist in the tcw fandom is so goddamn talented....

everyone who draws tcw characters in alternative fashion... i blame you all for my latest shopping spree on a new sewing machine and sixty brands of fabric...

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[Jun 25th, 2020 12:21:13am]

haha let's try to write something. It's 23:05, Wendnesday, Jun 24th. Ah, last year today I was already in Osaka, sound asleep onboard the bus to Tokyo. Right now, I binged three episodes of Clone Wars after a good glass of Choc-Milk Tea and two of Mom's sweet soup.

My eyes are wide awake and in my chest it's like butterflies fluttering. I'm so excited by things and so deflated at the same time. I fucked up my own sleep schedule now I'm perm stuck at a 4am/4pm/4 hours rotation and it sucks. Because I can never seem to gather enough energy in the day time to work on anything important. I'd have ideas in my brain but no outlet. and when I'm more adjusted to waking up after cooking and eating a meal, my body goes into digestive fatigue and demands a nap again. so in the end I get no fucking thing done while the clock hits eleven.

I guess I'm suppose to write, at the wee of night. But it also doesn't feel that right, as an excuse. If I must say, I do prefer working/writing in the afternoon, for I feel more energized to do it then. Now it's the night and my whole indoctrination tells me I should sleep. Maybe I should do it now so I can wake up some time early tomorrow, yeah let's do that.

Another thing I want to rant at least once (more) is how much I fucking miss Japan. like I really miss the sunny days and windy nights and the foreign land. Forcing myself to speak another language and being miles and miles away from chores and people. Getting Financial freedom. Arguably I've been buying and cooking the past few days too, generally putting two meals in my body every day, and that fulfills me to a degree, but I do want a more purposeful task. To say the least, I guess I'm ready to look for a job now, just that my uni/degree is very very messy and while i'm reluctant, i'm sure i can work that out avoid the problem in a few moves.

Haha, I also need to apply for that government grant so I can pay for bills and a good time next month. There's $10,000 and I think it's gonna evaporate by the end of the year, realistically. I suppose my mom will need some of it, when she asks. I'll be spending $1000 on dining, that's for sure. While I do want a good machine, $1000+ for a seldom hobby and a high-risk-to-be-thrown-around-during-mum's-tantrum item is still too much. Hopefully, I can score a second-hand at around $500. I also objectively needs a new phone. I've been using this second-hand one for two and a half years now, while the model is a product of 2015. It can't charge or read memory cards proper anymore. While I do prefer older models like this for its durability upon fall and removal of battery, I do need a new phone so I don't have to listen to the same six songs over and over again. But I hate picking out new phones - generally comparing products and prices at all for the tedious work, and honestly I had solutions around that, so I'm not all that out for buying a new one. idk, maybe I'll hold out for another six months longer before I absolutely have to get a new one.

I've been doing more art lately (by art she means sketching and lately she means the past three days). I just want to. I'm really glad scuttlebuttin find me interesting enough to chat with, and I'm overwhelmed by all these amazing artists on the website. Which makes me want to draw things too, but I have no skills :( I have years of practice ahead of me just to draw a profile. I thought I could design some clothing, but alas, that's not something you force upon. It's definitely there, down the line, but right now the inspiration is not responding.

And what I should really do, is write. Articles, metas, fics otherwise. I have this long list of debt in my wip drafts that I owe these projects themselves to get onto. and it would honestly be something I'd love to get on. I remember one or two months ago when I'd be fiercely typing on the keyboard and it felt good. So I want to be writing that stuff. Instead/On the contrary, I'm writing about myself, which in itself it's not a bad thing, it's still meaningful - but I could use that time to write something that's also meaningful to somebody else.

Overall, I just want to bring more positivity into the fandom, create more buzz and discussion around it. I'm incredulous that artists do draw my "request" because I (don't want to) feel like cheating them by asking for their effort without repaying them in some way. Which is why I do try to create a story/scenario to go with the thing, in a very minute way of giving thanks. (but I sucks at speed)

and I HAVE TO, have to talk about the influx of followers. Looking back now, I remember I had bare 400 followers when i first came back in March (398 to be exact), and most of that are dead/porn blogs. Now I have an active following of at least 200 people, 10 or so that interact daily, and fandom talents that I hold to the highest regard as mutuals. Just... what an incredible honour. That, in a way definitely brings a kind of pressure I didn't had, say back in 2013-6 while tumblr is a window into lives across the globe, but my blog was a tiny and safe haven to express all my doubts and frustration, pride and mania. I didn't have to worry about my text posts being seen. The follower count is a large part of why I feel I need to be more responsible for my speech along with my years added. So more often I find myself therapeutically typing into the tumblr draft just to clear my train of thoughts. I understand this is still very much my space and I shouldn't be too paranoid about people fixating on me, a fellow random internet stranger. but... it's not that I want to be... more private, but I kinda also wish I could publish stuff without thinking someone else would go through it. and most rant it's not even like, it'd be upsetting (to the reader) if it was actually seen (because it's mostly just very me-specific self-doubt). You know, my heart skips a beat when I rant something personal and it gets a like - like, I don't even know what you mean! and I don't want to second guess! but the knowledge that someone read this very me-specific thought - and took the effort to leave a heart - gives me even more self-doubt.

More tumblr stuff. Now that every one has moved on (to other shows or back to work), I'm feeling lonely (because the dash and my favourite people are not as active anymore) and cramped (because I'm interacting with new people and my posts got way more popular way easier than during the run, with less competition and algorithm). and the sad, sad truth is I understand the whole working mechanism behind the whole thing. Our age group are adults and have working jobs and it only makes sense if they queue during weekdays or not come online daily - because real-life responsibilities are important that way, but i really, really miss the buzz of May even the migration is a huge sign for me to move on myself as well, one that I want to believe in. It's been difficult to adjust, which is why it took me two whole months to, and I'm only beginning to think of more real-life responsibilities/non-tumblr activities now. So I want to isolate myself from this site a little, find a day job and set up an actual rhythm to my life, then I can return to tumblr/gifing/clone wars as an escapist hobby instead of having it taken over my life completely.

I also feel kind of left out because I'm not in the active clone sub-fandom. They've been denying canon and inventing fanon for years. With or without the Clone Wars resurrgence, they'd've still done the the same. And with the general disinterest in the Jedi Order and the tragedy of clones, nothing has changed in the status quo for them. They simply went back to creating happy AUs and clone OCs which is why they bounce back much faster than Ahsoka (Anakin) stans like us. On the other hand, Kenobi stans, a new discovery for sure since my departure are "destined for infinite sadness", so it's not like the pain of the finale is anything new to them, and with Obi-wan departed three weeks ago, they theoretically had more time to recover. So I guess I'm still lonely in my woe.

If you ask for my personal closure with The Clone Wars, it's half-baked - or coming undone. I still haven't written a definitively eulogy (poem) for them - it, and I haven't published every meta I have on just the final scene. Nor had I mad much progress with the big cinematography analysis I desperately want to do. It just... invoke such a sadness and immobility in the solemness of that scene I hardly know what to do. These are some healthy hobbies/vents that could really benefit from a proper rhythm of the day. I mean - I'm ready to catch a break - a tiny tiny bit of aesthetic fatigue from canon!Ahsoka even - and I still stand by when I said the Bendu knighting her gave me the closure I need. I would've been perfectly content if I didn't know she came back from Malachor as Ahsoka the White. but now I do? I desperately need her to interact with Luke/Leia and REUNITE WITH ANAKIN'S FORCE GHOST. I dare not to think too much if she's immortal. and I really don't want the mess regarding her live-action rumours. I hardly know if anything's true and I don't want to think things that I have a backup plan for when I don't like it. I don't even want to mention Ahsoka. I just... take me back to the start.

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[Jun 26th, 2020 4:23:02pm]

you subscribe to patreon for quality work but if you follow me on tumblr dot com you only get exclusive untagged shitposts

ah the bless of tumblr’s late night + my time zone’s afternoon.

to put tags on a meme kind of defeat the purpose of a meme

not cosplaying ahsoka is a sane decision I’ll never attempt in my life, but i’ll never stop postulate what texture would lekku feel like. 6′aSZ..;p

my biggest complain against live-action ahsoka whatsoever is NO material will make lekku look organic enough. look at my icon.

one thing led another i sketched some tcw(clones)-themed sailor fuku and there’s no explanation rex’s’s model has to have abs.

i’m feeling really fluttering on (in?) the inside. Every day I learn something new from the Star Wars universe and I already feel obsessed enough. There’s so much to learn!

every day tumblr user scuttlebuttin post new artwork at 5am-ish in my time and I wake up to its majesty every day from then on i’m a non-funcitoning human popsicle melting in the 30°C weather the whole day i-

every day i come on tumblr dot com, reblog my friend’s stuff, then crawl back under my own rock

i don’t know why this week the last two days has been like this - i’m tired all the time, sleepy all the time, i have no motivation to initiate anything ever. I have stuff floating in my head, I feel my whole being locked in thought and I’m overwhelmed by... time. the passage of time. laughing at me in the face. (I’m probably getting emo again before period)

i kinda want to do gifs but maybe nothing i ever do will top that vader-soka post ever

and the monthly ‘get fancy’ urge flared up again. and i’m still sitting on my lazy ass, torn between ‘working/writing’ and ‘get the fuck out and exercise’.

i think i would’ve displayed enough conceitedness by now for people on the internet to decide i’m obnoxious

this post has dragged on from the afternoon to now 3:36am in the morning. it’s a collection of scattered shitposts across the last few days. and as evident, i can’t even get a proper diary written.

no i have nothing else to vomit

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new diary. [27/6/2020. 3:40am to 4:16am.] parenting.

I talked with little bro last night. Yes, we haven’t seen each other again for another week. Yesterday was Dragon Boat Festival so we all met up at Gramp’s for dinner. On our ride back, he started talking about psychology and existentialism - not that he know the term - and a little bit conspiracy theories. I’m really glad he finally starts questioning his life. and I’m even surprised at myself being calm about his development on track with mine, two years behind.

Being/living away from him is beneficial to both of us, to an unforeseen extent. I’m relieved of the constant dread to raise him while being irresponsible myself. I can barely hold myself together while I pile on more unnecessary burden - roles that I don’t even qualify. Everything you do is magnified in her eyes.

Then since last year, our society and more importantly the micro-society that is our family... underwent some fundamental changes, to say the least. He is able to see behind the curtains to ugly truths and learnt to rely on himself, while being a good communicator on his own. I know how important it is for a teenager to have a listener, and that’s the role I’m trying to fill in. He also understands our similarities and differences between us, and the four of us, better than any one. He’s also more athletic, outgoing and sociable than I could ever be. So the new direction I will steer him in is diverse but accurate language to coach him in acknowledging and expressing his emotions over impulses. I felt like he is already capable in the empathy department (and he will be more sincere than I’ll ever be, because he doesn’t have ASD. Even with his one-sided experience with people on the spectrum, he understands the evil in the state media’s portrayal of the condition, among other disabilities)

The Summer is a political awakening, and his personal awakening slowly gains momentum since then even though his school’s Liberal Education curriculum doesn’t sow that seed. Unlike my school, his curriculum skipped over Personal Growth and Interpersonal Relationships in like two months while we had a year to talk about everything. The lessons on actualization, gender stereotypes, idol worshiping, generation gap, to romance theory, parenting styles and family function during my twelfth year really helped with my inquisitive puberty self. Since the second term, they’ve been on Hong Kong’s economy and sociopolitical participation - which undoubtedly has to be toned down after self-censorship and the bottom licker of a bureau head. From the fact they are a Band III school, the materials are already ‘dumbed down’ compared to my school but they honestly talked about too much things too shallow (I can attest because I was there at his online lessons.) I’m not even gonna complain about spoon-feeding info - model answers of an interpretation instead of the method, because that’s the general style of teaching in Hong Kong for the past two decades, and you have to start somewhere, BUT. During these precious formative teenage years, it’s important to teach the 13/14-year-olds HOW TO THINK, more importantly, how to think others would think, and recgonize validity: respect where it’s due.

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[Jun 7th, 2020 7:21:49pm]

there they go again. #autism rant

TVB is back with another autistic (asperger) character. (who is basically a ripoff of Shaun Murphy as my preliminary search unearths)

I’m-- slightly fuming at it. While a firm believer of seeing the whole picture, I couldn’t help frowning because it most certainly sounds like they are glorifying autism by painting it ‘savant’ and ‘cute quirks’, just playing right into the stereotype and making as if autism is something you want in your kids by IT HELPS YOU RAISE A DOCTOR. Especially under such a pressurized education system like Hong Kong’s where people feed ‘smart drugs’ to kids.

I mean, every once a few years they run dry and will write another autistic character. Usually the more common ‘typical’ autistic men still in the care of a single mother played for ridicules and tear-jerking. you know, your usual type of disability played for chicken soup for the sound. I’m rolling my eyes so hard at this hegemony for playing ALL kinds of discriminatory stereotypes that I honestly didn’t bother to speak out. Like the whole city knows their talents run dry and credibility low, so I just hadn’t bother.

Anyway, I’ve always been interested in a character study for autistic portrayal on the small screen from the TV station that DOMINATES and profits. (RTHK out there doing the lord’s work by actually casting actors with corresponding conditions in much more accurate portrayals and passionate stories, but they have a viewership share of barely 1%) and it was sparked by one very heartfelt performance in the 2015 drama, Smooth Talker. To my surprise, autism is no longer introduced as one of the two extreme; neither a genius or an idiot. It isn’t a form of intellectual disability or ‘lesser’, just ‘different’, and she is a girl.

So I was very, very invested in the character’s journey even though she only has a secondary role. They still played tropes like ‘beautiful face, weird brain’, but the Asperger character is also very well-informed in her condition, has personal goals, and manage to foster positive male friendships and grow from those around her. All in all, that was the staple of positive, and accurate autism portrayal in my eyes. I still love that drama and her particularly to this day.

:/ All in all, a copycat but stereotypical Shaun is a regress no less, but what do we expect from a state media now. just fucking sad people are fed more and more disinformation from news to entertainment, and the ignorant mass that feeds on TVB? are the exact mob of short-sighted selfishness the society needs to eradicate.

P.S. I just looked at his featured trailer. It’s playing RIGHT into the trope I hate most - that autistic pepole have no self-control. Yes, our brain tells us to do things at inappropriate times, but the whole purpose of socialization, and extra training because we are autistic, is to familiarize us with a reasoning mechanism to process emotions that could be foreign to us. Like people have impulses in their brains all the time and I bet we only act on 1% of them. Or that as an asperger autist myself, I would be extra mindful of my behaviour in my public, or around people I love (when I care), because I’m intelligent enough to know that society perceive differently than me. The fact that he initiated physical contact and wrap himself around his crush/colleague pushed my brows together in a tight lock.

The next scene has the said crush/colleague reciting back to him his autistic traits. hmmm. He started the trailer by saying he has a ‘normal’ IQ and stated the same difficulties? and that his medical training should’ve made him knowledgeable even if his condition was left untreated as a kid? which it isn’t? I fuckin’ hate this kind of senseless exposition. the only part they got closer to reality is maybe his banging head on the wall or preference for ambient noises. so yeah they got the ‘problems’ right.

also autistic people definitely do not talk like monotonous robot.

Follow Up: 27/6/2020 6am

The drama has been on a while (3 weeks) now. *breathes* Their relationship obviously doesn’t work. The insistence of using the exact words ‘ASD’ instead of the laymen is hypocritical. The set-up of mother-in-law/new wife rivalry is cliched and exhaustive. Inclusion of typical “autistic” patients in cameo roles as representation to the variety of the spectrum and exploration of the caretaker’s stress is... shallow and stereotypical.

I’m all for two imperfect people growing and learning with each other but they are pushed into marriage because the girl is dying?? and he simply stayed physically next to her the whole time?? woah, where’s the attraction? passion, intimacy, commitment - understanding? They don’t know what they’re getting into in a rush and they’re not ready.

okay, the actor is not bad. but would i say he’s good? original? No. He’s borderline accurate at glance, but I wouldn’t say he’s charming.

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[Jun 4th, 2020 7:41:31pm]

*sigh* I don’t know what to do again, so I’m going to therapeutically type into the tumblr draft and not publish anything again.

hmm the typing does feel right. but I don’t even have anything I want to say, per se. I do wanna go take a walk though,

I’m depressed and I don’t want to do any thing (until the next sun’s up and then go back to sleep) It’s not like when I’m restless when I would be fluttering looking for work to do. I opened the WIP list and lost interest in every. single. project. I love them and want to get them done all the same but I just looked at it then turn my head away annoyingly. I wanna sing my heart out. But I feel like I have a lot of thoughts locked up inside my head and it’d take either a very long type or some quickly frustrating handwriting to get out. :/ it could also be the period talking

*breathes* I try to remind myself to breathe

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[May 31st, 2020 10:30:03pm]

idk man idk what i want to do right now so i’m going to threaupetically type into the tumblr draft and not publish a thing :)

well i’ve been doing a LOT late actually. writing and giffing and buffing up the WIP list again. and i do like writing, but i guess for different reasons in different media. like on mobile, i’m more encouraged to start and list stuff out. but i have to come back to a desktop keyboard organize everything. hmm any way i love writing and i’m DESPERATE to get back to proper skysnips meta and or fic *air kiss*

*sigh* i have like so many things i wanna do~! right now, from all my heart, I actually wanna rewtach the wrong jedi arc. i miss them together and i miss them so much and i need that nostalgic pain. i just miss them so much!!!! okay!!!!!

~let’s go read some fanfic now :p

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[28/5/2020 14:30-15:00]

#personal #dark thoughts in the day of an afternoon

the disillusion of the justice system should serve as foreshadowing and thus, a warning to the people who still have faith in 'one country, two systems' which ultimately is merely a caricature of a constitution.

I used to believe in the justice system, not just the concept of justice served, but an actual system I can rely on. With every new court ruling, or lack there of of a prosecution, I believe less and less people could still hold the same faith in it. But if they still cling on to the mirage of 'a whole country', that we could somehow be the precious snowflake under a tyranny -

The phenomenon actually has only boiled over since the Anti-Extradition Law movement. But it has been simmering and boiling us alive since 2016, when the law was abused to disqualify democratically elected councillors, when they remove the force of change that once tried to play their game.

My mom questioned me that a lot, why wouldn't we work our way up to position of power and change from within. I stumbled once, I stopped explaining twice, and I barely manged an eyeroll the third time. That has been her philosophy imposed on me all my life. and to have that motto ripped apart, to have reality forces me to confront it - is a... destructive experience. (deconstructive would give a clearer meaning but it certainly destroyed (a part of) my old self and honestly caused some emotional damage)

I'm not saying sorry though. I'm not repairing that. I know all the right way to hurt people ok. and sometimes I like it. I don't understand people who don't understand that people can be sadistc. like, you can hurt people for fun. but most times it's not a very strong motivation, sometimes you just hurt people because you want to see them hurt, and that in turns feeds back to the Fun.

and honestly I don't hate myself for it. and I confirmed that I wouldn't woo for it in the future. and honestly I don't care if anyone die alone in despair. but this begs the question of, if you don't care, why would you rather choose this path? yeah i don't care, so i don't for this question as well. I am power-hungry!

I'm listening to lam chik's interview from rthk. He talked about letting go and holding on. he talked about reflecting on why we say the meanest things to the people we love most. I realize that when I was 16 ok. not trying to judge him or anything, just the philosophy discussed in the show. He was pleaing, a point in his life, wishing the pain would 'go away'.

I was thinking, how are you so confident that it wouldn't? that you could hold on to what you like? what you choose to believe/remember? what gave you the arrogance to defeat age and your own brain's decay?

It's

#echoesdiary

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