#ALSO CAN I PLEASE NOT EXPOSE MY WHOLE ACCOUNT TO MY CLASSMATES?? NO?? I HAVE TO??? FUCK

[pupuseriazag]

Crying throwing up and shaking that tomorrow I need to pretty much tell in my class that the name Zagreus is only my "artist" name and not how I actually would like to be addressed as

[foxydivaxx]

Goddess Awakening Chapter 5

"Feyi don't do it!" Sade warns. Feyi finally decided to let her family in on it because they and the Adebites have a dark history with each other. Both families used to be friends until a public spat between Chief Adebite and Chief Badmus drove both families apart. What that spat was about is anyone's guess.

"Feyi, Chris humiliated you at that party years ago!! He could humiliate you again!!" says Ireti. Feyi raises an eyebrow. "I doubt it." Dr Rotimi was watching a video o Youtube and then alerts them. "Ladies you need to see this." The rest of the family exchanged confused looks before gathering round to see the video.

Chris had just posted a video online, talking about the challenge."I have a huge announcement ladies and gents!! Drum roll!!" A dramatic drum roll plays and obce it stops, Chris says excitedly, "EbonyKnight has accepted my open challenge but this time it's different. We shall have the first ever Battle Royale match live on next week Wednesday at 1pm sharp at the Hard Rock Cafe. Be there or get squared!!"

Dr Rotimi sighed. "She has no choice but to do it. Even if she does not accept it, he would still go out there and pressure her into accepting via his Youtube channel. The guy has a lot of viewers."

"Yeah but he is doing this for cheap publicity. I doubt Feyi can even win." says Mrs Badmus.

"I have beaten him several times at that game mother..."

All eyes fall on Feyi who had a determined look on his face. "I can do it again." She then comes closer to her mother and stops in front of her, arms folded. Of all the Badmus sisters, she is the shortest and resembles her father due to her slightly dark complexion and broad shoulders.

Mrs Badmus looks her daughter in the eye. "Why bother yourself with games anyways? It is a waste of time. Why not bother to do something far more tangible with your time eh? Why not start a business or go and actually get a proper job?"

Feyi glares icily at her mother. "Really mother? Is that what you want to say?" Mrs Badmus stares at her daughter. "Are you talking to me?"

"Yes I am talking to you mother because I have had it with you!" The woman was taken aback by this. "How dare you speak to your mother that way?!" Ireti shouts. "I have every right to because this woman keeps on treating me like shit!! I have no job, you do not respect me!! You are looking down on me whenever I try to do something!! Why is it that you always criticise whatever I do?! Why mother?! I did not ask to be born with whatever it is that I am born with!! God just created me that way for a reason!! Why can you not accept me for who I am?! That is why I will do that challenge!! As for the results, I will win because I know I can!! I am not useless or worthless and I will prove myself to the world and you my family!!"

With that, she walks off, leaving her stunned mother behind. She then grabs her laptop and gets down to work and begins to work hard on improving her craft by using the Practice Tool and then playing a couple games and maintaining her current track record.

Meanwhile, Chris was in his penthouse suite chilling out with his friends. "So Ebony is Feyi?! No fucking way!!" says Idris Shettima. Chris nods. "It seems that the girl improved over the years." says Richard. "How are you not sure that her account did not get boosted?" asks Chris.

"If it were boosted, then she wouldn't have gotten to Gold IV on the American server." says Alex Oputa. Chris sighs and takes his seat, a glass of red wine in hand. Memories begin to flood in his mind of his days in secondary school.

He and Feyi were classmates and he and his friends at the time used to bully and torment her relentlessly. He even exposed Feyi at a party for cheating at WAEC, a scene that tarnished the Badmus family's image. He just liked hurting Feyi partly because she is a girl and partially because she is a Badmus.  He will never forgive her father for disgracing his own father years ago. Now he will get the ultimate revenge by destroying his archnemesis for good.

"Let's see how you survive this one Feyi."

Time begins to fly by and soon D-Day arrives. Feyi gets herself ready, wearing a simple T-Shirt with a nice ankara design on it and a pair of jeans and sneakers. The girl stares at herself in the mirror. Usually she hates looking at her reflection but today is completely different.  Sade walks into the room. "You ready kiddo?" Feyi nods and grabs her bag and walks out of the room.

The Badmus family soon arrive at Hard Rock Cafe and walk inside to find the location of the match. The last time Feyi came in there was a couple months ago with her cousins. The entire place was filled with a lot of people. "Wow!! So many people!!" says Sade. Mrs Badmus remains unfazed, not completely interested. If anything she wants to get out of there.

"Ah there you are!!"

They turn around to see Chris make his way towards them with a fake friendly smile in place. Feyi folds her arms and takes the opportunity to scrutinize him. "Aren't you a little overdressed for a showcase match?"

Chris simply shrugs. In stark contrast to Feyi's more laidback casual outfit, Chris opted for a black suit. "Hey!! A little glam is needed here!!" She rolled her eyes. "Oh please!!"

Chris does not look at Feyi's family in light of their past terrible encounter. Instead he opts to lead Feyi towards the place where they would do the showcase. In the middle of the room are two computer systems, arranged back to back.

Without hesitation, Feyi takes her seat at one and starts it up whilst Chris follows suit. Dolapo who happened to be around the area shows up alongside some of Feyi's old friends. "Good afternoon ma." Dolapo greets Mrs Badmus as he prostrates for her. "Ah Dolapo nice to see you. Ah you brought the whole gang here." says Ireti. The other kids all greeted the other Badmuses.

"The match is simple; the two players here will play with their best champ stats. The objective is to reduce the enemy's life bar to zero. The player that does that at the end wins the game." the special announcer for the match says.

"Kind of like a mini fighting game." Dolapo mutters. "What did you say?" Sade asked. "Just an observation about what they are about to do." he replies. Kai, one of Feyi's friends from America explains. "The game is divided into various modes; the main mode that many of us know is the Gold mode. That one is where you play as a team of five. This mode is the VS mode. There is the Battle mode also like the Gold mode. That one you play as five and that one is similar to VS mode. Everyone creates a character with a base stat and with a special talent and designation."

"So how come he did not says Battle Mode?" Mrs Badmus asks."Feyi would need a team. Chris has one." says Dolapo. "If she had told us beforehand, we could have changed it to Battle Mode and trained together. " says Kai. "We will have to call Tolani after this so that we can quickly assemble a team just in case." says Henry.

Both players put on their headphones and stare intently at their screens. Both of them had logged into their accounts and had choosen their characters. Chris' character, The Dark King had spikes on his black armour and a long red cape and held a sword.

"Wait....Chris' character is a fighter/assassin whilst Feyi's a mage and a support mage at that?" Dolapo observes. "She may not win this one." says Dr Rotimi. "She can. Since she is a support, she should be able to heal herself at some point." says Kai.

The Badmus family begin to say a silent prayer as they wait for the match to start. A countdown begins and once the clock reaches zero, the game starts. "LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!!"

[arohawrites]

Secret

Words: 1.3k

Genre: fluff, a little bit of angst, Wolf Bin, Binu

Trigger warning: None

A/N: Hello, I've recently achieved 50+ kudos on Secret in my AO3 account. I'm so glad many people enjoyed the oneshot so I decided to post a small continuation. Hope you enjoy 😊

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Part 1 || Part 2

——————————————————————-

Eunwoo woke up with a bearable weight on his torso. His mind quickly supplied the answers before he could even ask.

Bin is not human…

And Bin is currently embracing him tight from behind, his arms are enveloped on his torso and it made Eunwoo’s face heat up upon realization.

“Bin-ah” He called to wake him but the man simply groaned and nuzzled comfortably on his neck. Eunwoo wanted to explode, he can feel Bin’s relaxed breathing on his neck.

“Binnie” He attempted to wake Bin again.

“Uhmm?” Bin groaned but responded anyway.

“Please let go of me. I can’t breathe” It’s the truth, he can’t breathe, not because Bin is suffocating him but because his heart is beating so fast.

Bin opened his eyes and his mind buffered, his whole body is still aching from the transition last night. He wanted to sleep more but Eunwoo’s bothering him from his peaceful slumber.

“Bin, I really can’t breathe” Eunwoo repeated, taking all possible attempts to get away before he dies from a heart attack. Bin surveyed his surroundings, he loudly gasped and let go of Eunwoo as if he got scalded.

“Sorry” Bin is standing beside the bed, all flustered.

“Damn, I’m going to be late!” Eunwoo exclaimed after looking at the time, he got up with panic.

“Let’s talk later after class. I can’t be late to this class, sorry” Eunwoo spoke fast and ran in the bathroom.

Bin sighed, how could he mess up everything?

Idiot

A familiar voice rang in his head but he ignored it, he has to go to class too. He’ll think about what he would do later.

Bin rode the bus and silently sat at the very last row. The scenes last night kept replaying on his mind, he saw his wolf form, but instead of running, instead of being afraid; he went to him. Eunwoo called him beautiful. He remembered how comfortable he was on Eunwoo’s arms and more importantly, his wolf told him something right before the transition.

Our mate

His wolf never talked to him, he tried communicating to it numerous times but the wolf refuses to talk. Not until last night. His wolf keeps repeating that Eunwoo is their mate and randomly comments on things.

Tell him

Bin bit his lower lip, how could he tell him? Eunwoo is human. Would he understand?

Bin keeps on asking himself and his wolf. Bin constantly asks his father about the mate bond after he knew about his real identity and his father would always say that it is the most beautiful feeling in the world, knowing your soul mate.

Meanwhile, Eunwoo managed to attend his class on time but he couldn’t give his full concentration on the lectures. He keeps on thinking about Bin, he hopes Bin is not offended when he suddenly escaped the scene.

--

Classes ended, Bin quickly got out of the room and head on his way to the next building where Eunwoo’s department is in. He doesn’t need to ask where he is because Bin can locate him through his scent. He wanted to talk to him as soon as possible.

Bin spotted him with his colleagues just outside of a classroom, they were talking about eating out as a celebration for a classmate’s birthday. Bin is about to approach Eunwoo but something halted his steps, one his companion which looks younger than them is clinging on Eunwoo’s arms. He can smell the scent of adoration from the younger man.

His hand automatically formed into fist, wave of rage is quickly clouding his reasoning.

“Bin?” Eunwoo’s voice made Bin stop from walking away.

“Hyung who is he?” The tall guy who keeps on clinging on Eunwoo whispered to one of Eunwoo’s classmate.

Bin has no choice but to swallow his anger and face Eunwoo. Eunwoo wanted to ask why he suddenly walked away but Sanha talked first.

“Hello Moon Bin Sunbae!” Sanha greeted gleefully.

“Ah, this is Sanha, one of the juniors in this department. Bin, my roommate” Eunwoo introduced. Sanha gave a wave and a small bow but Bin is not in a good mood to smile.

“I’ll… just talk to you later” Bin quickly excused himself before he acts out of his mind and break someone’s arm.

He walked straight without looking back, his mind is clouded in anger. His wolf is enraged too, it wanted to lash out because of jealousy.

Jealousy… he’s jealous, but when did he gain such right?

He entered the first comfort room which is fully unoccupied and closed the main door. The mirror showed Bin that his eyes are already glowing blue, he growled deep on his throat. He needs to control himself, or he’ll be exposed in any second.

“Bin” He got startled, he’s too focused on calming himself that he didn’t noticed Eunwoo’s arrival and he wanted to smack himself for not locking the door.

“Are you okay?” Eunwoo asked. Bin’s eyes are like last night.

“Sorry” Bin shifted his gaze, he acted rudely on impulse. He didn’t mean it but it’s still rude, after all, he doesn’t have any right to get angry just because he knew about the bond.

“Let’s go home” Eunwoo smiled and it made Bin’s inside serene. His wolf calmed down too.

They went home together, both of them doesn’t know how to open a proper conversation so the whole ride is just quiet and awkward.

“So…” Eunwoo started, they are currently in the living room. They have been there for 5 minutes straight without talking.

“Sorry if I scared you last night, I didn’t want to do it here but I got no choice because the forest that I go to got closed.” Bin also started.

“How did you became… you know. If you don’t mind” Eunwoo asked, he’s dead curious since the beginning.

“My kind is called wolfbloods, my father is a human and my mother is a wolfblood. Having an offspring from a human and wolfblood is really rare so my mom paid the price for conceiving me. She died giving birth at me. My father thought I was a normal human but five years ago, my wolf is… awaken. I transform during full moons every month. It’s also the reason of my mood swings, I’m very sorry about that”

Tell him about the bond

His wolf impatiently ordered but Bin did his best to suppress his wolf at the moment.

Eunwoo is surprised, he didn’t know Bin’s mother is already dead. Bin doesn’t open up to him in the past. Eunwoo took a deep breath and evaluated on whether he should ask more.

“What happened earlier?” He managed to ask. Bin bit his lip.

“It doesn’t usually happen, my wolf acting up, I mean.” His wolf complained on why it’s the only one blamed but Bin ignored him again. “My wolf doesn’t communicate to me at all, it’s usually dormant after full moons not until last night” Bin continued.

Eunwoo’s eyes widened, “Is it because of me? Is it angry to me?”

“No! It’s not like that. My wolf actually told me something about you last night...” Bin trailed off again but his wolf is already yelling him to continue.

“What is it?” Eunwoo asked, wanting Bin to continue what he is supposed to say.

“My wolf told me that you’re our… mate” Eunwoo’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Eunwoo asked.

Love

“My kind has stronger senses than humans so we can sense who our mates are, our soul mate” Bin supplied, trying hard to explain the situation when it is also confusing for him.

“Mates have unbreakable bonds, their true love”

Eunwoo blushed with Bin’s remarks. He liked Bin but things are so fast for him. So what would happen now that Bin realized that they’re soul mates? Would it change anything?

“Do you like me?” Bin is startled by Eunwoo’s question. He’s also confused, Eunwoo is kind to him, he is the first human aside from his father that saw his wolf form and accepted him. He is comfortable with Eunwoo even before but… Does he have any feelings for Eunwoo?

END

[jennifersylvesters]

not so subtle - part five

Pairing: Harrison Osterfield x reader Word Count: 7.2k~ oof Warning: swearing, angst at the end A/N: happy chrimas. it’s criman. merry crisis. merry chrysler. damn i wanted this to come out earlier, but i guess that’s life. i am what people would call, er, swamped. i kept having to push this back because i’ve been busy, but i definitely wanted to get it out before christmas. plz say a prayer for me this holiday season as i work two jobs. just kidding. kinda. hopefully you enjoy! like always, feedback is appreciated/loved aka i want it. please. 

Things were different between you and Harrison now. You were convinced that all these minuscule moments added up and now actually meant something. What happened on Thanksgiving couldn’t have been a fluke. It was a moment.

Naturally you expected Harrison to text or call you. Any form of communication really. But after Thanksgiving nothing came. Despite your eagerness for something to occur, he seemed to be on a completely different wavelength. You told yourself that he wasn’t used to being in relationships, that this was a serious decision he wanted to take slow. Still, you wanted some sort of sign. Send an owl with a note, for fucks sake.

Except a week later, you begun having doubts. While tapping through Instagram stories, your jaw dropped as Harrison featured some random brunette. He was in a club, clearly drunk as he planted a kiss on her cheek. The girl giggled with absolutely no self control as Harrison boisterously cheered about Arsenal winning a game.

He was just having drunk fun. That’s alright. That’s totally fine.

Yet a couple days passed and you still received nothing but radio silence. Your hope was dwindling when you saw Harrison posted a new snap story one night. You quickly clicked on the circle, ignoring the homework scattered on your desk.

The phone screen changed to a video of Harrison lightly snoring with no shirt on. Oof. The screen then panned to a redhead who filmed herself kissing the top of his sleeping head before bursting into a smile. Your gritted your teeth as the next snap was a photo of Harrison sound asleep with heart emojis around his head. It was captioned “look how cute he is” with a heart eyed emoji.

So this was your sign. Reality sunk back in that Harrison was nothing more than a player and that you and Noah definitely misread the signs.

Santa, for this year I’d like a nice, faithful boyfriend. I’d also like to knock out Harrison Osterfield.

With Christmas approaching, you decided to hell with Osterfield. You couldn’t be concerned about a boy who wasn’t even trying to message you. Not that you were checking anymore. No, you needed to follow your original plan of just committing to your studies. And that’s what you did.

Most nights were spent wrapped up in the library or in your room studying, trying to make sure you knew all the material for your upcoming exams. Boys? Unnecessary distractions. Love? It didn’t matter. Did you really need it? No. But did you still want it? Unfortunately. God you felt pathetic.

It was inevitable that you would need to go out eventually, but you avoided it by all means. Why be miserable outside when you could wallow in self pity in the warmth of your apartment? The only time you bothered going out was to buy Christmas presents. While you knew you could order gifts online, you worried about whether the present would arrive before Christmas. No, you needed to brave the stores for this one.  

You headed to a nearby shopping complex on the weekend, trying your best to pick nice yet affordable presents for your family and friends. It wasn’t like you could just ball hard with the measly amount in your bank account. As much as you loved Kimberly, there was no way you could buy her a new KitchenAid mixer like she talked about. You choked when you saw the discounted cost, shaking your head as you briskly walked away. She would just have to settle for a lovely apron instead.

Shuffling around the Target, you knew you neared needing a shopping cart as you attempted to balance multiple items in your arms. Even though you knew better, you still chose to browse the store pretending like your arms weren’t getting sore with the weight of the gifts.

Unable to see in front of you, you collided into someone causing all of your items to spill from your arms. Of course. 

As you scrambled to pick up all your items, the other person quickly apologized and began helping you collect them. Picking up a pack of socks, you looked up to see a familiar face.

It was a boy in your lit course named Steven. Despite being a rather big class, he crossed your mind from time to time. Steven was one of those students who occasionally spoke and surprisingly had something intelligent to add to the conversation. While you didn’t know him well, what you did know was that he was incredibly handsome. It made sense why girls and some guys eyed him; his messy brown hair and crooked grin would make most people swoon.

Steven grabbed a shopping basket nearby, placing the items he grabbed into the basket. You politely thanked him as he handed the shopping bag to you.

“Oh, hey! You’re in my lit class” he noticed before you could walk away. “It’s...It’s Y/N, right?” You nodded, surprised that he remembered you. While you contributed in class from time to time, you only answered when you knew the answer in fear of looking like an idiot. “I’m Steven, by the way.” You nodded your head once more, not wanting to add that you already knew who he was. No way you planned on giving stalker vibes.

“Yeah, I’m just doing Christmas shopping for my family. Kinda struggling with the presents for some of the girls” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. You bit down on your lip as he stretched slightly, causing his shirt to raise and exposing a bit of skin. Lord, please control the thirst.

“Did you want any help?” you offered.

“Oh...Yeah! I mean, if you have time. I don’t wanna bother you or anything” he blushed, shrugging his shoulders in a nonchalant manner.

“No, it’s totally fine. I was just shopping for friends but I’m actually struggling with a couple of gifts for my guy friends.” You omitted how you weren’t sure what to get for a celebrity who had more money in his bank account than you’d probably ever see.

“I can definitely help with that if you want” he suggested. You accepted his offer, and the two of you begun wandering around the store to find the perfect gifts.

The next couple hours was spent scouring the store, helping one another decide what gifts would be best. You laughed at some of his suggestions, especially when he proposed trying on an Elsa dress to see if it was the right size for your cousin. He made you feel relaxed and it felt so easy to joke around with him. Things felt smooth and almost effortless around him. The longer time you spent with him, the more you understood his appeal.

By the time the both of you finished and paid, relief washed over you knowing that all of your Christmas shopping was complete. All you needed to do now was wrap them. Easy enough.

The two of you made your way towards the parking lot, slowing down once he pointed out he would be heading in a different direction than you.

“Hey, listen. This was really solid of you.” He lifted up the bags of goodies and smiled that crooked grin that had people swooning. Ooh. For a second, it got you too. “I probably would’ve messed this whole thing up.”

“It’s really no big deal” you waved off the comment.

“Well, it was to me.” The two of you shared a smile as you rocked back and forth on your heels. The look lingered a little longer than you expected, and you turned away. You didn’t want to be pulled back into another thirst trap. Not today. It wasn’t till he cleared his throat that you turned right back around. Perhaps a little too quickly. Damn it.

“So listen...There’s this white elephant party next Friday that a couple of my friends are throwing. Did you maybe wanna go with me? It’s always really fun, and my friend Toby always does a drunken karaoke performance of Cher - voice and all.” His invitation took you by surprise. You weren’t expecting to get invited to a party, especially seeing the two of you never hung out before now. But how could you say no?

“Yeah, I’d be down for that” you nodded. He smiled that ever popular smile and you felt your heart race. You hadn’t noticed before, but he had the cutest dimples.

“Great. Lemme just give you my number so I can text you the address.”

The two of you exchanged phone numbers, handing each other one another’s phones to speed up the process. As you finished saving your contact information, you heard someone call out your name.

A scowl instantly appeared on your face upon seeing Harrison approaching. Steven noticed as he glanced from you to the Brit.

Harrison raised an eyebrow as he came over, eying the pair of you. “Hey. I thought that was you. Haven’t heard from you in a while” he commented, placing a hand on your arm. Immediately you yanked away. Harrison blinked, pushing his now free hand into his pocket.

“Been busy.” It wasn’t much but it was enough for Harrison to realize that the two of you weren’t on good terms. He sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Ah, yes. So busy. Forgot how you just happen to live life in the fast lane” he sarcastically quipped before shaking his head.

You scowled once more, remembering the videos you saw of him. He had the nerve to act like those weren’t big deals? Not in your house. All you wanted to do was go back to mutually disliking one another. Couldn’t he extend the courtesy and do the same?

“Hi. I’m Steven” your classmate introduced himself to Harrison, extending out a hand.

“Harrison” he responded shaking hands. When they dropped, Steven placed his bags down and threw his arm around your shoulder while Harrison shoved his into his pocket once more.

You weren't really expecting Steven to do that, but the gesture wasn’t unwelcome. So you did your best to relax your shoulders, pretending like your relationship with Steven was more than just acquaintances.

“So how do you and Y/N know one another?” Steven asked leaning closer into you.

“We’re friends.” It was a curt response, causing you to scoff. When had the two of you become friends? If anything, your relationship was one of enemies. Friends? Please.

“Just ‘cause Tom and Emma are dating doesn't mean that we're friends.” The comment visibly irritated Harrison who ran a hand through his hair.

“Is that what you told Noah? Cause even he didn't seem to buy that” he snapped back.

“What does Noah know? He also thought we were d-” you stopped in your tracks, not wanting Harrison to know what Noah thought. The idea would've just make him laugh, suggesting that Noah was totally crazy. Yup, totally crazy.

“Noah thought what?” Harrison asked, clearly vexed about this scenario.

“It's nothing” you dismissed, but he wasn't giving up that easily.

“Noah thought what, Y/N?” he repeated himself.

“It was nothing. Just Noah jumping to conclusions.”

“You and I both know that kid wouldn't say anything without having a strong gut feeling.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Yes, I do! Noah isn’t that type of guy to start any drama” he argued, yanking at his hair once again. He was right, but you didn’t want him to have that satisfaction.

“We don’t know Noah that well.”

“Oh? Who’s th-”

“You know what? Fine. Think that about Noah if you want” Harrison cut Steven off, obviously having no interest in what the other boy planned on asking. Why was he acting like this, ramping up his douchebag attitude with every word? Why did he even bother approaching you in the first place? God, he made you furious. “Are you going to the Christmas party, Y/N?”

“I’ll see you if I see you” you responded coldly, not wanting to deal with Harrison any longer.

“So you’re going” he affirmed. When you didn't respond, he nodded his head. “Good. Should’ve expected it since your best friend’s one of the hosts. Well, I’ll see you there.” Before you could stop him, Harrison pushed Steven off of you. Your classmate stumbled back a bit, and Harrison took this time to quickly peck your cheek before turning on his heels and heading off.

You wiped at your face like a child, wishing he hadn’t done that. Still you couldn’t hide the tinge of pink that lit up on your face.

“What was that dude’s deal?” Steven asked, voice on edge.

“I’m so sorry. I dunno. He’s just my best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend. He just likes giving me a hard time” you explained. Was that all?

“He’s kinda an asshole.” He turned and looked at you before he continued. “No offense.” You didn’t realize your fists clenched upon hearing his insult. Were you getting mad about someone talking shit about Harrison? No, that didn’t seem like you. Of course you and Harrison were enemies. Steven wasn’t wrong. Right?

“Yeah...I guess” you responded, relaxing your hands.

“Hey. Thanks again.” And just like Harrison, he leaned in and kissed you on the cheek causing your face to flush. Oh okay. He grabbed the bags he set down before heading to his car. “See you in lit class” he called over his shoulder.

“See ya” you mumbled to yourself, unsure of what happened.

Harrison seemed to flood your social media feed after that incident. If you looked at Tom’s Instagram story, Harrison was always beside him. When you checked out Emma’s snaps, there was always a glimpse of the dirty blond in the background. He was everywhere. The worst was when he posted photos with different girls, all beautiful and all infatuated with Harrison. Did you expect anything less? In normal circumstances you’d be fuming at how Harrison acted. What kind of narcissistic asshole did that?  

But things had changed. Even though he dominated your feed, it didn’t bother you much. By now Steven managed to creep up and occupy your thoughts and time, pushing Harrison to the side. After your holiday help, he constantly invited you to hang out.

From studying to group hangouts with his friends, you slowly joined Steven’s world. It was as if he brought you to a place you’d never been before. He was kind with you, always asking and praising your opinions. There was an ease to everything about him.

You loved talking with him and felt you could ramble without feeling embarrassed. In turn he trusted you with details about himself. You learned how he was fiercely protective of his younger sister, always intimidating boys who even looked her direction. He told you how he couldn’t stand the taste of kiwis and tomatoes, claiming they were disgusting. Whenever you studied and joked around, he laughed loudly and insisted you were one of the funniest people he ever met.

The more you learned about Steven, the more you wanted to stay a part of his life. It wasn’t just him. Even his friends welcomed you in with open arms. Of course it made sense that a great guy would surround himself with positive and warm friends.

You enjoyed this normalcy of having a regular crush. No worrying about embarrassing him at premieres. No panic about not fitting in due to your status. Simply put, there were no complications. Something about liking a hot guy who had a regular status felt so right.

During the night of the white elephant party, you rushed around the apartment while your roommate and her girlfriend relaxed on the couch.

“Where are you heading off to dressed like that?” Kimberly asked as you snatched up a discarded necklace from the coffee table and put it on.

“I’m dressed normal.” No, you weren’t. You chose your best outfit, something you felt complimented your body well. Content with the necklace choice, you searched for the perfect pair of earrings to complete your overall look.

“You’re dressed very cute. Like overly cute” Kimberly replied, now turning to sit up and watch you. “So where are you going again?”

“I’m going to a white elephant party. Um, Steven invited me.” You hastily scurried to your room to find your favorite hoops, hoping she wouldn’t pry. Of course you knew better.  

“Steven, huh?” Sarah popped her head up from above the couch as well. “Who’s Steven?”

“Just this kid in my lit class” you brushed it off, doing your best to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. You found one hoop and begun searching for its missing pair.

“Just some kid, huh?”

“I mean, he’s cute” you admitted, finding the missing hoop and putting on your earrings.

Sarah and Kimberly said nothing, just sharing smiles with themselves before eying you as you exited your room.

“Stop looking at me like that.” You grabbed the gift you chose for the exchange off the kitchen counter. Hopefully someone would want a half-off hair straightener.

As you entered the living room, Kimberly and Sarah still focused on you.

“So what’s the deal with Steven? You’ve never talked about him before” Kimberly pointed out.

“To be fair, we just recently” - you paused, trying to figure out the right words - “became friends.”

“Ah, okay. Is he a nice kid?”

“Yes, mom. He’s a nice guy” you joked.

“And Harrison?” Sarah questioned.

“What about Osterfield?” you snapped, hands resting on your hips. Just the mention of his name brought you into a foul mood.

“Didn't you guys have that-”

“If Lil Shit wants to play around, I don't care.” The way your voice rose up an octave indicated otherwise. “I'm not gonna be one of his little flings who jumps on his dick whenever he calls.” The two of them exchanged glances. “Not that I would ever be” you added hastily.

“So who cares about his stupid Instagram stories and those really pretty girls? I don't care.” The couple raised their eyebrows in unison.

“I don't!” you insisted. “I'm gonna have a great time without that asshole. In fact, I’m gonna enjoy this party and not even think about Lil Shit. I'm allowed to suck whatever dick I wanna. And you know what? Maybe I will!”

“How very heterosexual of you” Kimberly dryly commented.

“I mean, if that's what your apparently horny heart desires,Y/N, go for it” Sarah shrugged.

“It is” you claimed, convinced that you didn't need Harrison in your life.

Jitters consumed you as your Uber dropped you off at the party. Even though you hung out with his friends, this felt different. It felt like an initiation to prove your worth even though you knew it wasn’t a serious occasion.

Ringing the doorbell, you fidgeted in your clothes. You found yourself second guessing your choices, but there was no turning back now. You could hear music playing throughout the house and it grew louder as someone opened the door.

“Hi. I’m Y/N. Um, Steven invited me?” you nervously introduced yourself to the stranger at the door.

You heard your name being shouted before Steven rushed over to the entrance. “Hey! You made it!” he exclaimed, pulling you in.

He began showing you around the place, introducing you to the friends you hadn’t met along the way. All of them were just as friendly as those you previously met, pulling you in for hugs and acting as if you were an old companion they hadn’t seen in a while.

Slowly you eased into the spirit of the party, finding it almost effortless to have a good time.

It didn’t go unnoticed how Steven kept his arm around your waist the entire night as the two of you stood around. When you were ushered to the couch by one of his friends, he pulled you close by his side.

This familiarity felt so warm and inviting, and you wondered if this was all in your mind or if he felt the same connection. You knew you couldn’t ask at that moment, at least not with the gathering going on. So instead you enjoyed yourself, laughing at the promised yet horrendous Cher performance by the infamous Toby.

After Toby took an elaborate bow, Steven lifted you out of the couch to perform a duet with him. You jokingly groaned, shaking your head. But with everyone cheering you on, you followed his lead to the front where he chose a mystery song claiming it was a classic. As “The Start of Something New” from High School Musical began playing, you burst into laughter. It was a good thing you knew it, playing up the part of an ever so shy Gabriella. Even so, you weren’t prepared for him to take your hand and twirl you around when the two of you sang in unison.

And you realized how fun this was with Steven. There was something about the way he kept holding your hand even after the two of you finished bowing and the way you could feel him watching you. It was simple yet held such significant meaning. At least you hoped it wasn’t just you.

When the party ended, Steven walked you outside where you waited on your ride. The two of you spoke about how finals were going and you laughed as he recalled an amusing event that happened in class a couple days prior.

Your fingers kept bumping into one another and you found yourself wanting him to grab your hand again. But in your mind you wondered: “Am I allowed to want more?” You knew that once you cared too much and it wasn’t reciprocated, you were playing yourself. “Please give me a sign” you prayed as his knuckles gently touched yours.

Steven slowly took your hand in his, intertwining fingers. You looked up at him and the two of you locked eyes. He slowly leaned in towards you, and your eyes fluttered shut at what you knew was coming.

It was a simple kiss, but it was enough to get your heart racing. An attractive boy was actually into you? And actually made a move? It felt like a dream, yet when your eyes opened there was Steven’s green eyes twinkling back at yours.

“I think you’re amazing” he whispered. You heard a car pull up to the curb, but you didn’t want the moment to end. He kissed you once more before finally letting go, allowing you to get in to your Uber.

He wished you a good night, closing the door for you. Once you were a couple blocks away, you realized you had been smiling so wide that your face was sore. So this was happiness? This was what it was like for someone to like you back? Oh, you could get used to that.

This was it. This was what you were waiting for. It wasn’t complicated. There weren’t any heartbreaks involved. It was nothing but pure bliss.

Even with exams around the corner, you obsessed over Steven. The two of you constantly texted one another, allowing you initial plan of being studious to fly out the window. Most days were spent being around him or thinking about him.

You felt bad not inviting him to Tom and Emma’s Christmas party, but he didn’t know about Tom. While you knew Tom wouldn’t mind another friendly face, you weren’t sure how Steven would react. Would he freak out and lose his mind? Or would he spit at Tom and tell him that his Spider-Man sucked? Obviously they were opposite ends of the spectrum reactions, but you didn’t want to deal with the potential chaos. Plus you wanted to keep Steven to yourself for just a bit longer. It was a bit selfish, but you were allowed to be. Right?

Plus one person you knew wouldn’t enjoy seeing Steven’s face.

You hadn’t seen him for a while, which honestly was fine by you. In fact, you hadn’t wanted to see him. After the white elephant party, your totally minor crush from before was long gone. Goodbye old terrible feelings. Hello horny new ones.

That was until the night of Emma and Tom’s party.

You flipped through channels on TV, waiting for Emma to arrive. The plan was for her to pick up and drive you, Kimberly, and Sarah to the party. The doorbell rang prompting you to click off the television before greeting Emma. Your face dropped when you opened the door revealing Harrison on the other side. God fucking damnit.

“Where’s Emma” you questioned, skipping the formalities of greeting him politely. He lost that privilege, especially after the last time you saw him.

“Helping Tom. She asked me to pick you guys up” he explained.

“Are you serious?”

“Yup.” He nodded his head, clearly enjoying the irritated confusion crossing your face. “Looks like I’m your ride. Or your knight in shining armor.”

“More like an idiot who happens to own a car.”

“Eh. Not your best insult.”

“That’s cause I’ve been too busy to perfect my lines.”

“Oh, so that was a line?” his eyebrow quirked up.

“Yeah, a line to have you fuck right off” you instantly responded, afraid he might’ve taken your last quip seriously.

“Aw, you can do better than that, Lil Skunk” he tutted, pretending to be disappointed.

“You don’t deserve my best, Lil Shit.”

“Oh, Harrison’s here” Kimberly piped up from behind you. Glancing back at her room, she called out “Sarah! Harrison’s finally here! Let’s go, babe!”

Why did Kimberly sound so nonchalant about Harrison’s arrival? She should’ve been shocked and outraged by his arrival. Perhaps not outraged but at least a little surprised. “You knew Osterfield was coming to pick us up instead of Ems?”

“‘Course we knew” Sarah revealed as she tugged on her jacket, pulling Kimberly’s door shut.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Your hands snapped to your waist, glaring at the group.

Kimberly shrugged while Sarah just let out a laugh. The trickery of them all.

The group shuffled out of the apartment and into Harrison’s car. As Sarah and Kimberly piled into the back, Sarah pulled the door close before you could follow. Yanking on the car door handle, you shouted for them to let you in, but they deviously shook their heads and pointed for you to sit in the front. Grumbling under your breath, you slid into the passenger seat.

On the car ride to the party, Harrison chatted with you despite your snippy tone and one-word retorts.

“Surprised you didn’t invite one of your ‘special’ friends” you grunted as you avoided his question about how exam were going.

“What’re you talking about?” Shit. You hadn’t expected Harrison to catch that bit. Guess he had better hearing than you thought.

“Those girls. From your stories” you elaborated just barely.

As he slowed down to a red light, he turned and fully looked at you. “Are you jealous?”

“Pfft! No! Why would I?” you sputtered. It was enough for Harrison to know better, know what you actually meant.

“Whatever you say, Lil Skunk.” He turned back to focus on driving, watching you fidget out of the corner of his eye.

When you finally arrived at the party, you hopped out only to get immediately greeted and hugged by Emma. She walked you around the house Tom rented for the night and you gawked at the glamorous sight. Tom spared no expense in decorating every inch of the place with Christmas trees adorned with ornaments and lights twinkling in every room.

The best part of the entire party had to be the open bar. Seeing as you hadn’t enjoyed Halloween’s drinking festivities, you planned on making it up during this party. Initially you ordered a spritzer, unsure if you really wanted to get drunk. Was that doing the most? Spotting all the couples in attendance, all concerns about going overboard went out the window. How in the world did everyone find someone to love them for the holiday season? You regretted not inviting Steven, wishing someone would wrap their arms around you by the fireside.

Strangely enough you found yourself spending most of your time with Harrison. He approached you after your third drink, this time a gin and tonic rather than a spritzer and with a heavy emphasis on the gin. Shoutout to Kenneth the bartender for the major hookup on that.

“What’s that - your fifth drink?” he asked with a cheeky grin.

“It’s my fourth, I’ll have you know” you corrected him, pointing his direction letting the drink slosh out of your cup.

“Ah, yes. Of course. How dumb of me. Sorry I couldn’t figure out how drunk you were.”

“M’not drunk!” you retorted indignantly.

“‘Course you’re not” he sarcastically agreed, sliding down to take a seat next to you.

The two of you proceeded to argue with one another from which drink was best for this party to the greatest video game of all time. Some things he would have agreed with you on, but he found it much more entertaining seeing you get riled up about your passions.

As you later waved your arm out to insist that Tom Hardy was the best Tom in the Marvel universe - Tom Holland included - you accidentally smacked Emma who rushed by.

“Sorry!” you slurred as Harrison took your cup from you so you could hug your best friend without spilling your drink all over her. “Didn’t mean to do that!”

“It’s alright, Y/N. Should’ve been paying attention, but I was kinda looking for someone to grab a couple more candy canes and cider for the party” she explained.

“I can do that!” you volunteered, raising your hand as if you were in class.

“You haven’t got a car” Harrison stifled a laugh.

“Even if you did, you’re not sober” Emma added.

You shook your head and slapped your cheeks. Quick fix. “I’m sober!” you insisted as Harrison laughed and Emma shook her head.

Standing up from the bar, Harrison pulled his keys from out of his pocket. “We can grab those things for you, Em.”

Oh, no. There was no way you were going with him. Shaking your head once more, you stomped your foot in irritation. “No, you go by yourself then. I’m not coming with you.”

“You’d leave me all alone and defenseless?” You bobbed your head up and down in response causing him to laugh again. “I’ll buy you those chocolate candy canes you love so much” he coaxed you. Had you told him your preference in candy canes or did he just remember? You weren’t sure. Still, you liked the idea of having those.

You paused, pretending to mull over the decision. “Fine, but I get shotgun” you announced. Harrison rolled his eyes and nodded. Of course you would get shotgun. Where else would you sit? The back? But in your drunken state you weren’t properly thinking things through.

Emma thanked the pair of you before hurrying off to help with hostess duties. Letting the alcohol consume your actions, you found yourself skipping to his car before jumping in.

“You’re like an Uber driver” you commented to Harrison, giggling at how funny you thought you were.

“Am I now?” he asked as he entertained your idea. He started the car and as he pulled out of the driveway, you nodded your head. “Would you give me a five star rating for driving you around?”

“No, you’d get a one. Get better playlists, Osterfield.” You laughed uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of it all while he laughed at your silliness, obviously enjoying every second of your drunk commentary.

When he parked in the grocery store lot, he helped open your door and watched you carefully as you fumbled out. As he placed a hand behind the small of your back, you found yourself leaning in towards him. Of course it was to steady yourself and nothing more. Of course.

The two of you shuffled around, him pointing out how you would get lost in the store without him as you argued that you could make your way around easily.

Somewhere down the line the bickering felt natural, no malice underneath either of you words. You weren’t sure when or how but now you found fighting with him oddly...Nice. What the fuck?

No, you weren’t going down that road again. You knew better. You reminded yourself that you had someone who cared about you that wasn’t going to toy with your feelings. Not getting played like Boo Boo the Fool this time.

The two of you split up as you insisted that you could find your favorite flavor without his guidance. When you finally found them, you grabbed a couple boxes letting them pile up in your arms. You turned around to find Harrison but instead spotted Steven a couple aisles down.

God, Steven looked so good. With a dark hoodie and a maroon beanie, he looked like a model that it took your breath away. Balancing the boxes in one hand, you were about to raise your free hand when a girl approached him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he turned her direction. Steven wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close before kissing her deeply.

Oh.

You sobered up quickly as you watched the scene unfold. As she pulled her head back and smiled up at Steven, he crinkled his nose before kissing her once more.

Oh.

The candy cane boxes tumbled out of your arms and crashed to the ground, yet the couple didn’t notice. The two were too preoccupied with one another’s presence, Steven cupping her face before she said something that made him pepper kisses along her jaw.

Oh.

“Lil Skunk, I found-” Harrison begun but saw you frozen in place and cut his sentence short. His eyes followed your stare to see what you saw. His eyes shut and he took a deep breath. When he opened them, he winced knowing that there was nothing he could really say to you in that moment.

Your heart pounded loudly and you struggled to breath. Your bottom lip trembled, still focused on the sight that was breaking you with every second.

Harrison quickly grabbed your hand, guiding you away from the scene. Still you couldn’t tear your eyes away from Steven and the beautiful girl he now laughed with. Was it the same things you laughed about at the White Elephant party? Or was she funnier than you? Were your jokes lame in comparison to hers? But the biggest question that haunted you the most kept repeating over and over: had that night and that kiss meant nothing to Steven?

It wasn’t until Harrison stepped to your other side, blocking your view of the couple, that you finally stopped staring.

As Harrison went to pay he held your hand in his, glancing at you every so often. Your eyes stared off into space, not focusing on anything in particular as you kept thinking about Steven and the mystery girl. You went through the motions as Harrison opened the car door for you, telling you to get in. He found himself repeating his words, instructing you to buckle your seatbelt until he finally watched you click it in.

The street lights washed over your face yet all you could do was thinking about the scene. As it replayed over in your mind, you felt almost numb. Your eyes glossed over, remembering how he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear before leaning in to kiss you. Had Steven meant it? Or were you the practice round for the real deal?

By the time Harrison parked outside the party, you still weren’t all there. It was as if your mind was preoccupied by the numbness to think of anything else. You could hear him calling your name, a clear concern when he repeated himself a third time. “We’re here. You can unbuckle your seatbelt.” When you didn’t move, he decided to release it for you. It slid off your chest and back into the holder, not phasing you in the slightest.

“I think you’re amazing” Steven’s words echoed in your mind. But do you?

You heard your name called and by the fifth time, you finally turned and looked towards Harrison. “Y/N-” he started, leaning towards you. Why was he looking at you like that? His pained expression only added to your confusion. You turned away, facing towards the window.

“I think you’re amazing.” Then why did you kiss her? Why did you look at her like that? Why were you holding her?

Without any prompt, you begun telling Harrison about the night of the white elephant party. As you spoke, you heard your voice getting heavier with each word. It felt like you were choking out every syllable until finally you couldn’t take anymore, and you finally broke. You burst into tears, sobbing heavily. Why couldn’t he have liked you? Why were you never the one?

So many questions filled your mind and it poured out in tears in response. You weren’t sure when it happened, but Harrison gently wrapped you in his arms, stroking your hair. You sobbed with only the sound of the boy next to you whispering to let it all out. And you did as you were instructed, crying harder and louder until you couldn’t cry anything else.

“I’m so sorry” Harrison murmured as he held you close. “I’m so so sorry.”

Once you exhausted yourself from crying, you felt your eyes growing heavy. You didn’t want to fall asleep, but there was something comforting about Harrison’s arms that you couldn’t help but doze off. All thoughts about the party, the mystery girl, and Steven vanished as your eyes shut.

When you finally opened your eyes, you realized you were no longer in Harrison’s car. Slowly turning your head, you blinked trying your best to wake up from your tired state. You looked up to see Harrison carrying you.

Noticing you stirring in his arms, he looked down and softly smiled at you. “I’m just bringing you back to your apartment, love” he explained. Oh, God. He hadn’t called you by that in a while. There was something about that nickname that always made your heart flutter.

You sighed deeply, resting your head against his chest.

It was strange having him carry you into your apartment with such ease. And yet this kindness was more than welcome.  

Lightly kicking open your door, he placed you down on your bed. Before you could say anything, he begun tucking you in. He murmured that you needed to get rest. The idea was tempting, yet you found yourself trying to get up.

“C’mon, love. Just rest, alright?” he persuaded you to lay back under the covers.

“What about the party? I have to explain things to Emma” you insisted though you didn’t move.

“I already let her know that you weren’t feeling well and that I was taking you home” he explained. How kind of him to cover like that. You wondered how that conversation transpired but knew he would brush it off as no big deal and refuse to explain.

“Just get some rest” his voice encouraged, eyes finally softening as you relaxed into your bed. Right as he was about to leave, you grabbed his hand. He turned and looked at you.

“Am I-” you stopped, nervous to continue your thoughts out loud. But something in Harrison’s warm glance asked you to continue. “Am I just not capable of being loved or something? Like am I just never gonna be someone’s special person?” you choked out, tears starting to form again.

He quickly took a seat next to you. “You are. And you will be” he attempted to reassure you. “That guy-” Harrison paused, brushing his free hand through his hair. “That guy’s a fuckin’ prick. He’s an idiot, Y/N. He has no idea what he’s missing out on.”

“That other girl was so pretty, though. So much prettier than me-”

“Stop it. Don’t do that. Don’t…” he seemed lost for the right words to comfort you.

“I’m probably gonna die alone, and they’re only gonna find me because dogs will be eating my body” you sniffled.

He smiled at that one, grazing a hand on your face to wipe away the tears. “I promise you that won’t happen.” Don’t promise what you can’t keep.

Right as he was about to stand up and leave, you squeezed his hand. You didn’t want him to go. At least not yet. Something about his presence felt comforting and you wished you could just intertwine your fingers with his. Was it okay to want more with Harrison?

“Will you stay? Please?”

Harrison looked startled by your request. After all, no swearing or calling him by his usual nickname? You even added please with no sarcastic tone. Obviously this wasn’t the relationship he was used to. He looked at your door before turning back and nodding his head.

He kicked off his shoes and took off his jacket; the only time he let go of your hand was to take off his coat, but quickly grabbed hold of your hand once more as the jacket hit the ground. You scooted towards the other side of the bed, allowing him space to join you.

“I mean it, Y/N.” You could feel your eyes getting heavy. “I meant everything I said.” It was hard keeping your eyes open even though you wanted nothing more than to keep taking in his features.

His voice murmured for you to sleep, lulling you to rest. You closed your eyes as he told you how strong you were and how you deserved so much better. But who was better?

You felt him gently caress your cheek and kiss your forehead before you finally dozed off.

Soft chirps woke you the next day. Your eyes fluttered open and looked towards the window to see light seeping in. Last night felt like an out of body experience, as if it wasn’t particularly real. Yet you knew there was no denying all the events that occurred.

You turned to see the other side of your bed empty. No Harrison at all. Sitting up you looked at your side desk, hoping to see something. No note. Nothing. You rummaged through your purse to find your phone at ten percent. There were a couple texts from Emma and Tom, but no message from Harrison. You charged your phone before sighing and falling back onto your mattress.

And there was the truth of it all. He could give you false hope, make you think something might’ve been happening, but he never stayed. After all, you weren’t his. To him you were just Lil Skunk, a friend of a friend’s. He could say otherwise, but you both knew better. You were just a pastime, someone to tease until he moved onto better things. He could find prettier girls to occupy his time so why waste it on you? The empty space said it all: Harrison didn’t and wouldn’t ever like you in that sort of way.

Even if Harrison was right about what he said yesterday, not even he stayed for you. Not really.

tags list: @sleepybesson, @tomhaz | @butithasntkilledyouyet, @chims-kookies, @choke-me-sweet-pea, @highladyjel, @sadnoelle, @sleepwalkingdragon, @soccerstud004, @spider-mendes, @thefallenbibliophilequote

part six | part six [clean-ish]

[oxfordeliterp]

CONGRATULATIONS, RO!

You have been accepted to play the role of NICHOLAS MERCER with the faceclaim of DOUGLAS BOOTH. Please create your account and send it to the main in the next 24 hours. I am well aware of your first choice, but trust me when I say that I would have done you a great injustice not giving you the role of Nick. The twists you have picked for him, the paragraph sample you have masterfully done, every tweak and change and elaboration convinced me that you are the perfect player for him. You understand a character that I have always found tricky and have captured him to the last detail. A simple compliment regarding the twist on his relationship with Lucas wouldn’t suffice, for it is a detail that deserves endless praise. You are an incredibly good writer and, it seems, one of the friendliest people on this site  — and I cannot wait to see more of both you and Nicholas. Thank you for your cooperation and dedication, and know that they did not go unnoticed.

Name and pronouns: Ro - He/Him

Age: 26

Time-zone: PST

Activity level: I am a film student in third year, about to head into the summer. I tend to be very busy, but I’ve also been committed to RP as a part of my regular life and creative outlet for upwards of ten years. I should always make activity (and I’ll always contact you if I run into any issues) and I’d likely be doing replies a couple times a week. I try to lurk on the daily, but if I work in the industry again this summer, the hours are insane so I tend to be on the most on the weekends!

Triggers: removed for privacy

IN CHARACTER INFORMATION

Desired character: Nicholas Mercer - Nick is a very enthralling character to me. I’m drawn to the way he is at war with himself - the distaste and discomfort he feels when he looks in the mirror and can hardly meet his own gaze. I’m drawn to the compulsion he has to keep up this act and web of lies, despite the growing shame he feels at his own actions, because the shame he feels by his own roots is worse. I love that he’s a charmer, and has always been praised for his looks and brains and potential, and yet his smiles and confidence are in many ways an act carefully designed to hide the deep seeded insecurity and uncertainty underneath.

Gender and pronouns of the character: Male, He/Him

Changes: FCs: Man, this is hard to choose. Douglas Booth (I didn’t know he was in the film actually, haha, I’d never seen it) he’s a good fit with appropriate charm in his gifs, Daniel Sharman, who would maybe be my first pick, were it easier to find smiley-charmy gifs of him, and Zayn Malik - a less stereotyped approach, but I kind of like that and he’s got great gifs for it. If i get this role you may have to help me choose LOL. I’m unsure who’s best. I keep flip-flopping. At first I thought Douglas was the best bet but now I’m not sure.

Traits: Nicholas grew up believing that his value lied in how unlike the rest of the world he was. He was praised for his looks and his sharp, surprising mind. His teachers, classmates and parents spoke of little other than what a spectacle he was; how he stood out from the crowd, how his shine would make so many envy him. He was taught that these were the things that mattered because these were the things those who were meant to care for him seemed to value most about him. These were the things they were proud of.

And so growing up he developed followers and admirers, but not friends. He grew up having to protect these material and shallow things about himself because they were the only things his parents seemed truly invested in. Money and admiration were what he needed to be somebody. To matter and to make a mark, to not disappear into irrelevance. In short, he is deeply insecure and has a skewed sense of self worth. He only values in himself what he believes others have valued in him, and has become obsessed with protecting that ‘It-boy’ image in order to maintain his reason to be seen.

Headcanons/plot ideas:

Nick is a hard one to pinpoint, and I could go a few different ways for what he’s studying. Currently I’m thinking Law or Social Anthropology.

Nick is gay. I think it says something remarkable (and remarkably sad) about his determination to marry for money and status, and it speaks loads about his self-image. It makes me absolutely ache, how trapped he feels, how desperate and how self-loathing, and that’s the real reason he can’t look himself in the eye when he looks in a mirror. He’s ashamed on one level, for being ‘poor’ and not good enough, and ashamed on a whole other level, for being fraudulent, a liar, a deceiver and a coward. His levels of self-loathing and pain are bone deep and twisted around his ribs in a way that truly inspires me as a character driven writer. I could explore him endlessly. He has so much potential and I love him so much!

I’m interested in looking at his relationship with Lucas. I don’t want to rush any decisions until I get my feet wet and explore him a little and let the character show me how he feels, but I could see his relationship with Lucas as being one potentially unrequited of feelings Nick may be keeping tucked under his tongue. With everything else he’s feeling and hiding, and the fact that Lucas is one of the few people he feels really connected to at school, I could see that as being something he struggles with or something that develops. Either way, however, it’s a complicated and precious dynamic I’m excited about.

PARA SAMPLE

Scholarship.

The word felt filthy on the edges of his tongue. Before it even left his throat, stuck there at the wall of his too-white teeth. It felt like a betrayal. It felt like a confession that would tumble him apart. It felt like a truth so ugly it made all his lies feel like beautiful, caressing companions.

Scholarship. He lived in fear of the way the word exposed him, and as he stood in the men’s room, palms gripping the edge of the damp, marble counters, he hoped to God it never came up with his date sitting across the table from him. Hoped she hadn’t heard, somehow, through a furiously whispered rumour that he sometimes felt certain was ghosting at his tailcoat as he strutted through the corridors of Oxford. He was haunted by any remnants of his past still surface enough to peer through the veil of glass and sand he’d tried to bury it with.

He’s spent years perfecting his walk, his talk, his privileged smile and he’s so good at it now that he at times can even convince himself. Some days, he’s almost reinvented the truth. Has become so familiar with the lies that they’ve made him a nest in a safe, new reality.

But the rest of the time he lived in constant fear of that other shoe dropping.

The back splash tiles of the bathroom sink were pitch black and so shiny he could see himself in them. It was like even the room was laughing at him, and his reluctancy to look himself in the mirror with any kind of conviction. Too cowardly to face the twisted boy that Oxford had mangled him into. It was easier to blame the school. Easier to say that the pressure of the Riot Club and the prestige he was so constantly cloaked in, was responsible for his poorly justified choices, for his backburner-ing of integrity. His pride was forged in the cold grey slate of his artifice, and if you looked too closely you could see the places it was chipped.

The echoing sound of the door opening, of cutlery and chatter swooping into the space before the door slid shut again, shook him from his reverie and he twisted ornate taps with hurried fingers, running his palms under the flow as the sound of fine-Italian soles clacked behind his back and stopped at a urinal.

He breathed. Exhaled the breath he’d been holding, actually, and cupped cool water into his hands to splash it over his face. He didn’t always lose his cool. In fact, in company, he rarely did. The fact that he’d gotten so God damn good at this was half the reason guilt feasted on him as savagely as it did. He didn’t crack with an audience, but the pressure to perform so consistently made his solitude more of a place of unwanted reflection than of refuge. The silence gave him time to stop and think and hate and regret; all things he neither needed nor had the energy for. What he needed was to be kept busy. Moving constantly, his performance uninterrupted, so that in doing so he might forget everything it was he was running from. Everything he was covering up.

It was all Lana’s fault. He’d been holding the door open for his date (a pretty blonde thing with jewels around her neck worth the same dollar value as the tits sitting too-high and too-solid on her narrow ribcage to be natural) when Lana Chambers had strolled passed clutching her handbag and ducking under the umbrella of whatever current company she was in. And he’d seen it in her eyes—the nugget of truth she wielded, a weapon that could so easily destroy him. He’d seen the shadow of knowledge flick across her raven’s wings eyes as she’d glanced at him, then at his date.

He hated the way she looked at him—regardless of what she was thinking, he could’t shake the feeling she knew what he was up to. Knew all his darkest secrets, all the workings of his seduction on these women who would stabilize his status as top-tier. Couldn’t help but fear she would find a way to air his dirty laundry for the world to see—even if she hadn’t been privy to much of it. There was no way she could know the things he’d never told a soul. No way she could know how deeply his seduction of these women was a lie. No way she could know the way he looked at Lucas.

She couldn’t know. But his best friend was the only thing in his world among the elite that felt genuine and he couldn’t help but fear she’d find a way to take that from him. She was the only one with the power to.

So fragile, he was, for such a God among mortals. So tenuous was his falsified confidence, his calculated swagger. He could be taken apart so easily by a woman who knew too much. One thread was all it would take to unravel his web of lies. How long until he cracked under the heavy choke of his sacrifices? What he was giving up in order to obtain the one thing that he could count on making him memorable? Maintaining his significance.

And there was nothing worse he could think of, in this world of material, power and prestige, than being rendered insignificant.

[kirbypreiss4-blog]

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[thatonepsychoticbipolar]

In the beginning (second revision)

Brendan,

Yes, I know you are most likely pissed off that I deleted my old account and made a new one just so I could send you this message, but hear me out. I might say something that you don’t want to miss. Okay, maybe nothing that important but really I need you to keep reading.

Anyway, I have been thinking lately about how much you have impacted my life in this short amount of time that I’ve known you. I met you January 14th by the way, but that’s besides the point.

You have impacted my life in both positive and negative ways. I do admit that I was pretty stupid before and even after I met you. You put up with me though and you saved my life, literally. You also got me to stop being violent with my sister, and you gave me the same lecture when you found out that I had started being violent with her again.

Remember this at all? That whole subject brought up a big argument that was painful for me but I still considered you a friend, but why? I can’t even answer that question. Back to the main point, you also complimented my first video I posted on youtube after I told you that you were absolutely rude and that I didn’t want to talk to you ever again. I remember that, don’t you?

You also made me realize that I was wasting my time liking Kyle. Maybe I didn’t start liking exactly who you thought I would. Yeah, this got some major arguments stirred up, not to mention that it lead to about two weeks of absolute silence. Yeah, I know it’s different that I can’t give you the exact dates.

Anyway, I think I just proved that yes, you did impact my life in a positive way however, there is a negative part to having you in my life. I’m not really gonna go into much detail about the negative, I’ll just say the top three negative acts you have done that really impacted my life:

All of your put downs and name calling. Being called stupid and mocked by not only you, but my other friends, and even Kyle, when I made my first cut.

Telling my parents that you never wanted to talk to me again and that you never considered me your friend.

When you changed your number and blocked me on every account you had still open.

That is all I will ever say about these things. I will say this though, I still consider you a friend even though you have put me through a lot of crap. I think I always will even if I never hear from you again.

I’m sorry. Yes, I apologized. I’m sorry for all my childish behavior and stupidity. Thank you. Yes, I just thanked you. Thank you for putting up with me for six months. I don’t think I can thank you enough.

Now the hardest part of the whole thing: are you willing to give me another chance? Before you think of your answer, just remember that people can change over time and that I believe that I have.

So please just one last chance that I promise not to mess up this time. If you are the same person that said, “That is a lie, I care about everyone,” you would say yes. However, are you the same person? If you choose to not give me a second chance, could you do me a favor, and take the time to type the two letters: n and o before you block me again?

Thank you for reading all the way to the bottom, I didn’t think you would.

I woke up at about 10 o’clock that hot, July morning. I was on the floor, in a sleeping bag, surrounded by emptiness. I could hear my anxious breaths starting, as I began to replay the message I had sent to a guy that had tried many times to leave my life.

I was known for being off the rails like this, not letting anyone leave without an explanation. I felt that I was entitled to knowing exactly why a person was leaving, and if I didn’t agree, then they didn’t get to go peacefully.

I at one point had a crush on this guy, but he wasn’t the guy I had my mind on then. He had lead me to the person that I currently wanted to be in a relationship with, but that didn’t matter. None of it mattered anymore. I started to realize what day it was. It was a very anticipated and dreaded morning. That day, was July 31, 2009, and that was the day that my life would change forever.

I quickly unzipped my sleeping bag, because it was so hot and I was sweating. I had the bright idea of leaving the window open, as a last chance to breathe in the Arizona air. I stood up, and looked around, reminding myself that it was the last day I would ever be in that house, the house I grew up in. It was also the last day I would spend in the city, or even in the state.

I shared a room with my sister, but she had decided to sleep in the living room with our other two siblings, while I, decided to be in my room for one last night. My sister and I had never really gotten along and sharing a room with her was pure torture sometimes, especially when I had friends over and she decided that she had to be in the room as well.

I walked out to see more emptiness and some unzipped sleeping bags on the floor. I was the last one to wake up. Sleep was good for me; it was the only time I wasn’t depressed or anxious, which were two things I was no stranger to.

If I wasn’t experiencing anxiety, I was experiencing depression, and on really bad days I would experience both at the same time. My emotions were difficult for me to control or predict but when I tried to explain to the many therapists I have seen in the short time I had been alive just shrugged it off as me being an adolescent and that it was normal.

However, it didn’t feel normal. I didn’t see my classmates bursting into tears over things that were small and didn’t matter, or experiencing extreme anger that would cause them to have subtle tantrums by taking heavy steps and being short to anyone that talked to them.

I’d watch my other peers at school; I knew what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. If I wasn’t being bullied for one thing or another, I’d just watch them, trying to figure out why they were so different from me. They’d have boyfriends and lots of other friends and always be smiling.

I had two friends that stuck by my side, and others that were just passing flings. My friend Sami, sat with me at lunch every day and listened to my rants on life, school, parents, or whatever it was that day. Boys were a subject she avoided with me because she knew that I did not have very healthy behaviors in pursuing them.

My other friend, Jazzi, was about my sisters age but more my style. She had a super strict, Christian mom, but we always found ways around her. She would go on adventures with me and the other people who were only kind of my friends, one of those people being Brendan.

I was my worst critic. I would look at myself in a very judgmental and self loathing way because I put my value in my ability to communicate with people and blend in with a crowd. As awful as I was at school, it was ten times worse at home.

At home I was always in trouble because of my emotional outbursts. My privileges were revoked most of the time, including but not limited to: my cell phone, ipod, and access to the internet. It was even more depressing when I would have nothing to help calm me down when I was experiencing deep emotions that I didn’t always understand; that I never understood for the entirety of my lifetime.

I walked slowly to the garage, where I knew my parents would be. My mom, was working on a paper for school and my dad was on the phone. My siblings were talking to the neighbor that we had grown close to.

While they were doing all of that I decided to go for a walk down the street I had lived on since I was four years old. As I was walking down the street, I passed the house of my seventh grade crush, Kyle. Nothing ever happened between us mainly because I had no idea how to act around people I wanted to be in a relationship with.

I had met Kyle in seventh grade. We had science together and we were both band students. I had various crushes throughout that year but he was the most distinct. It started out innocently, walking home with him after school, having him over to play video games, and playing games outside with the neighborhood kids.

Then something happened, and I went crazy. I wanted him and only him and nothing was going to stop that. The only thing that did stop that, was him. He pulled back, running away from me after school and taking the extra time to avoid me.

I would go into full obsession mode and stalk them with the core of my being. Facebook made that easy to do. I wasn’t very smart about either, I would go very far down on their page and like and comment on old statuses, completely exposing the fact that I was down right stalking them.

I was very immature for my age, due to the emotions I couldn’t control, and my dad had no problem pointing that out and making me feel like I was the problem and that I had to fix myself. I could never fix myself though, no matter how hard I tried. I would get frustrated with myself and a growing self hatred began to grow.

I walked down a few more houses and then turned around and began to head back to the house. I knew this was it. I knew it was the last time that I would ever see this neighborhood again. I cried a little as I approached the house.

I went inside and rolled up my sleeping bag and gathered the little bit of things that I had left off of the moving truck: the first twilight book that I was finally able to get my hands on, my diary and diary writing pens, my flute that I didn’t want exposed to the heat, my cellphone, my ipod, my wallet, and my Nintendo DS. In a small suitcase was an overnight bag, containing toiletries and another comfy outfit because we would be stopping about halfway through the drive.

I grabbed everything and made my way to the garage again and set them down on the ground, just waiting for us to leave, growing more anxious by the second as I waited. I had no way of knowing what this new place had to offer me and I didn’t like the idea of having to leave the place I grew up in, but my fate was sealed and all I could do is see what this new place had to offer.

When my mom closed her laptop, I knew it was time. I watched her put it in a travel bag and put it in her SUV. It was a red, Ford Expedition, and it was old yet functionable. I wondered, quietly to myself if it would even make it as far as she intended to drive it.

I was the one riding with my dad, in his maroon, Ford F-250. The three younger ones were riding with my mom. I wasn’t too particular about the riding arrangements, it was forced upon me, much like this whole relocation.

I loaded my stuff into the back seat and I stepped up and into my dad’s truck. That was the moment in time where I cried over leaving Arizona one last time. I had no idea what it was going to be like where I was going. I had no idea what school was like there, what the kids were like there, or what the band program would be like there.

I had built a life, though not a good one, there in Tucson, Arizona and I was sad to see it go, a feeling that I do not understand to this day. I was bullied constantly in middle school, and who’s to say high school would have been any different? I had friends, but they were shallow and often using talking to them as a privilege, and the two friends that didn’t do that weren’t much help through that difficult time.

However, I was most sad about leaving the opportunity to have my first real relationship. It was the first time I hadn’t gone overboard and acted crazy about liking him. Yes, Alex and I had gone way back and I was comfortable with him. I had known him since sixth grade and he was always super nice to me. We had a lot in common because he too, had problems controlling his emotions.

We had spent the summer on the phone and growing closer together, but we were both awkward and inexperienced so to have an actual relationship with him, it would have needed a ton of patience and lots of guess work.

I had Brendan to thank for opening up a different kind of communication between us. If it wasn’t for him, I would have no idea how to even talk to him on a level that made me seem like a good fit, and not just a crazy child that had no idea how to even handle a middle school crush.

All the kids in that part of the city had already started school, and I too, would have already started my freshman year in high school. However, my mom didn’t want to start us because she knew the schools where we were going started in late August. I remember arguing with her about her not letting me start school. I would always say it would help me have closure with the area. To her that wasn’t a very sound argument, therefore, I did not start school with the rest of my classmates.

As we started to back out of the driveway and into the street, I watched with tearful eyes, the house I knew and loved get further and further away. This was it. It was really happening. As we drove down the Tucson streets on the way to I-10 I was in deep thought. I was thinking about everything that was leading up to this point in time. It was a better opportunity for the family; my mom wouldn’t have to work from home anymore, running a home daycare, and just concentrate on school because my dad was offered a better job.

It was that deep thought, at the very beginning of the journey to our new home, that I started to understand that this was my chance to start over. I was on to a new adventure. I remember feeling a half smile as I came to this realization. A fresh start where no one knows my name. Maybe things were going to be okay for me.

Maybe age 14 was the age where things started to look up for me. Maybe I was finally going to live a normal life without people at school calling me every name in the book, stealing my homework, and making me feel like an inferior person.

“Maybe I’ll be popular like I had always dreamed of,” I thought. “Maybe I’d be desired by many boys and have to turn a lot of people down. Maybe I’ll have a chain of friends that never ended, that would always have my back if one of the popular boys was being an asshole, or if I forgot my pencil black eyeliner to touch up my waterline during lunch.”

My hopes and dreams of my new home, a house or place I had never even seen pictures of, started to grow within the first hour of our two day journey. Little did I know, that it was that dream, though just thought of, was the start of something only a psychotic woman would do. I was determined to live that life one way or another.

I could see it before my eyes, me being the leader of the pack, of people of all ages, Them all adoring me and walking in a formation in the mornings and after school in the hallways. If we’d have the same classes, we’d tell each other test answers and copy each other’s homework before class.

Maybe one would be a cheerleader. Young, yet excelling. Of course some band mates, maybe one that plays the clarinet? A Japanese girl, most definitely a Japanese girl, one where we’d have to teach to walk in wedges and dress in skirts. Older boys, like seniors, maybe brothers of people closer to my age, and if any of them had sisters that are older, them too for that matter.

Feuds only come naturally with being so beloved and popular. Girls would try to steal boyfriends by being slutty and tempting. Girls who would say mean things about me and presume I’m a slut or a bitch or a hoe for having so much success in a social circle.

I just sat there in thought, watching the numbers on the exit signs get bigger and bigger, feverishly picking my nails to the point where I was exposing the skin underneath the nails, and bleeding in some cases. It was a nervous tick that I had acquired in middle school that had gotten worse and worse as it continued. It would cause so much pain, to the point where I had trouble playing my flute and sometimes gripping a pencil.

I looked down at my wrist. The top of my left wrist had a scar that ran across the length of the wrist. That was the sight of my first cut. I didn’t have much resources so I was taught by some girls at school how to scratch the skin by scribbling on a piece of paper with a mechanical pencil, creating a point, and pressing and running it back and forth on the area that I wanted to cut.

I thought of how it felt. It hurt, but took my mind off of the emotional pain I was feeling. I knew after the first and only time I had done that, that there was going to be more times it would be done.

It was an escape from all the emotional pain and gave me something to concentrate on. It was like a trip, where I felt my emotions become numb and my mind finally relax. It was a dangerous drug that I was in the early stages of becoming dependent on it. If only I knew what I was getting into, and if only my parents knew, then maybe, just maybe, I could have been spared from such a self destructive path

As we continued to drive, I closed my eyes in thought. I began hypothesizing how my new life was going to play out. Starting dreams of meeting my first boyfriend quickly and dreams of a beautiful first kiss and maybe more. I mean, if I’m gonna be popular I’d have to have an open mind or those boys would lose interest. It’s high school after all, that’s all boys want.

It all didn’t matter anymore. The message I had just sent Brendan the night before, sneaking on my sister’s laptop because I still had a desktop and it was already on the way to the destination, didn’t matter. Who cares what they wanted? Who cares what anyone wanted?

My old self died, right then and there. I started to make a mental transformation right there in the passenger seat and I liked who I was becoming. Life was finally going to be okay for me.

With my dreams in mind, I started to drift asleep. I was not anxious at that point in time and I was trying to take advantage of that fact. When I dreamt, the characters I had recently started to make up were given names. That was way more of a downfall than I realized at the time. It was in it’s early stages, but it started a process deep inside my psychotic brain that had already began to consume me.