#ANYWAY I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT I'M GONNA GET ORGANIZED AND JOURNAL ABOUT IT PROBABLY

[barry-j-blupjeans]

2022 Fic List!

This is a compilation of all the fics I've posted on Ao3 in 2022, plus some ficlets I like that I posted here! As always, Journal Pages is still being updated but I'm not gonna put it on this list because I made it last year (I think??)

Memories, Just a Bit To the Left

Being kidnapped was, honestly, not incredibly horrible. It wasn’t a good thing, for sure, for sure, but Barry could deal with it. Was he low on hit points? Yeah, and it was shitty. Did he feel like he was going to die? Occasionally, that’s just something that happens sometimes, you know? But it wasn’t all bad. Some of the gerblins were nice. They gave him some water, kicked him around a bit more, gave him an orange that they refused to peel so Barry just kind of spat the peel out as he went. A solid three out of five stars.

But he wasn’t too worried about the whole thing. Even as low as his hit points got, he knew that Taako would come find him. It was just a matter of if he would find Barry too late.

This was for the 2021 Candlenights exchange and it is killer, I think. I really enjoyed getting to write this and explore the space of this AU.

Archaeology Excavation on My Body

“How do you always know everything?” he asked instead of rising to her bait. “That’s the secret I want to know, ma’am. You’ve got prying eyes anywhere? Listening ears?”

"I run a secret organization on the moon,” the Director said dryly. “I’ve grown accustomed to knowing both everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. If you don’t want me to know, then I won’t know. I’ll never bring it up again. I’m simply offering us a way to, uh-” she glanced at the wall. It had been twenty minutes since the Reclaimers went offline. “Pass the time. And perhaps a way to help manage your pain a little better. No one else has noticed, Angus, but you do tend to limp a bit.”

Fuck, Angus thought.

This one was a pure vent fic, but I'm glad other people could relate to it anyway! I love giving characters I like everything that's wrong with me.

Tedious Familiarity

Déjà vu. Noun. A feeling of having already experienced the present situation. A tedious familiarity.

Barry Bluejeans woke up in a cave, fresh out of a pod filled with green goop, and saddled with an unsettling feeling that he had been here before. If you had asked forty-year-old Barry if he would follow instructions left by a talking coin, he probably would have asked you what type of drugs you were on. But, y’know, fifty… two? Fifty-one? How old was he? Fifty-two sounded right. But, y’know, fifty-two years old Barry didn’t really have that many other places to turn, so this couldn't be all that bad.

Barold my beloved!! I love any take on Barry's years alone and I thought I'd give myself a stab at it! Or several stabs, if we're going by death count. I really like how this one came out!!

Heart-Shaped Stickers

A collection of my blupjeans week prompts for 2022!

As seen on the tin sldkfsd.

Keep Your Friends Close (And the Lich Who Gives You Cryptic Advice Closer)

“There’s a lot you don’t know and I can’t tell you yet,” the Red Robe said. “And I’m genuinely sorry about that, Magnus, but right now, from the Bureau’s perspective, I’m not the good one.”

“From your perspective?” Magnus asked.

“From my- I…” he stopped again, contemplating, as if no one had ever asked him this question before. "I try to be, I think."

AKA: Magnus has questions and no one from the Bureau is giving him answers. He goes looking for the one person who will.

This baby is my pride and joy of this year, I think. It has always taken me Ages to write any chaptered fic but I'm very very proud of this one.

Autumn-Themed Notebook

Prompt fills for TAZ November Celebration 2022.

Again, as seen on the tin!

Now onto the Tumblr Ficlets!!

This list would not be complete without this ficlet about Magnus, Carey, and Killian discussing Magnus's top surgery or this one about a heart-shaped locket Barry picked up. Some other favorites from this year include:

Voidfished Taako interacting with Red Robe Lup and Barry (x)

June/The Temporal Chalice finding Barry's worst memory (x)

Merle and Hekuba talking post Story and Song (x)

Lucretia and Magnus talking about emotions and the stars (x)

Lucretia discovering the umbrastaff broke early (x)

Barry and Lucretia forming a truce to fuck over Governer Kalen (x)

Lucretia trying to discover who's stealing from the Fantasy Costco (x)

Taako taking the fall for all of Lup's deaths (x)

The Starblaster Crew stealing Magnus's shirts while he's dead (x)

Taako, Kravitz, and the mafia - Werewolf edition! (x1, x2, x3)

I gotta stop there or else this will go on forever sldfksdf. Let me know if you have any particular favorites from what I've written this year :D! It'd mean the world to me. My writing tag is #ise cube writing as always and my ao3 is IntrovertedHappiness if you wanna go check me out there!

[tobiasdrake]

Arise, Mystery Labyrinth! It's time to kill some people. Some of whom may be people we like.

Going into this with a lot of Maybes and some mutually exclusive Theories but very little concrete Facts.

Yeah. So. Are we gonna talk about this? Vivia was already suspicious about the Book of Death and now we're confirming everything. He won't remember this when we leave, but Labyrinth Vivia must have a lot of interesting things to talk about.

Conveniently, since Vivia already knows about the Book of Death, we can skip a lot of the explanations. And by "we" I mean "Yuma" since we always got to hop over the recap through narrative flash-forward.

Yeah, let's cut straight to the point. Vivia, what do you know?

Vivia's been aware of Shinigami since this whole thing began.

Shinigami's like the Lost Souls. Even if you aren't bound to her, you can see all manner of ghostly apparitions while you're Projecting.

Obvious answer: Yuma took it.

Tricksy answer: Number One took it and gave it to Yuma.

Crackpot theory answer: Real Yuma took it.

Yeah, but someone would. Especially if they were Number One. Shinigami is more than some weird thing that happened this one time. She's alluded to working with Detectives in the past.

If we're here to crack the Secret of Kanai Ward, then Shinigami would be the Secret of World Detective Organization.

We are so about to get box-cuttered. I can feel the box-cutter burning a hole in Vivia's pocket right now.

Yeah. We're probably going to kill Jawline in here.

On the other hand, there's a chance we might kill Yakou. Good news is, if Yakou suddenly drops dead on the spot, nobody will think it's anything suspicious. He's got one foot in the grave as it is. Yakou loses out on ten more minutes of life that he wouldn't even be conscious for anyway!

I hope that's a convincing argument to you, Vivia, because it's not doing anything for me. :( I don't wanna kill Yakou. I hope we get Jawline, a man who probably has many more years of life ahead of him, instead!

I love that we're talking about this. Yes, Yuma. Mystery Labyrinth is murder. You're as blameless as when Light Yagami "writes some names down in a journal, no big deal".

We aren't here to do good. We're here to find the despicable truth and damn the consequences.

Vivia's going to wait outside. You know what, that's fair. He can't stop this from happening but I can't blame him for refusing to be complicit in it.

It's cool, man. You go ahead and chill out here until the world explodes, someone dies unjustly, and you forget we ever had this conversation. I can commit this extrajudicial slaying by myself.

Well that fucking sucks. Sorry, man. I'd wheel you around on a cart if I had one.

Then again... if you don't want to get your hands bloody, today could be someday. I'm not sure "You will certainly die" is the right pitch to twist his arm.

There he is again. What do you know about this case, Vivia? You keep hinting at something.

Is it Yakou? It has to be Yakou. Ugh, I want to throttle you so hard, you cryptic little weasel! And I say that with love.

[xanderxone]

9/18/2023

Journaling Is Stimming

The moment I fell in the autism rabbit hole, I started devouring videos and the ones about stimming always seemed to grab my attention. One idea that was consistent across all the videos is that autistic people stim to release excess energy that gets built up in their bodies. It has to do with the idea of autistic inertia which I will probably make a post about sometime later.

I have always had what I considered to be an overactive imagination. I often get stuck in my own fantasy worlds in my head or replay conversations or fret about the future or fret about the present or get so lost in a special interest that I can think of nothing else. Wow. I actually spend way more time in my own head than I thought. And while there are times where this is something that I absolutely love about myself, like when I have to drive 3 hours on a long boring highway to my hometown to visit my family. Sometimes I actually look forward to just having 3 hours alone in a car to list to music and let my mind roam. But for the other 99% of my life, I need to actually be present and paying attention. So now I will be on the lookout for my tell-tale circular thoughts so I can just write them down and get them out instead. I've also started to employ a similar strategy at work because I often find myself in situations where I have a question about something that will probably get answered later but I just want to make sure I don't forget to check it. And I have actually started to just write those things down in OneNote and saving them to review later. AND WHEN I TELL YOU THE STRESS THAT HAS JUST WASHED OFF OF ME BECAUSE NOW I KNOW I WON'T FORGET IT LATER IS PALPABLE. I feel like I love my job again and I feel the joy coming back that was gone for a long time.

And so, dear reader, I think if I start writing down anything that gets stuck inside my head, it will be a stim and move all that anxious energy outside of me. And in turn, I will be able to harness a lot more of my mental capacity for other, more important things. AND I WILL STOP FUCKING FORGETTING EVERYTHING.

An interesting emotion that all of this is bringing up is one of shame and humiliation. And I know that it's irrational so I'm keeping it at arm's length to avoid being truly upset by the emotion, but it's existence is intriguing. God I sound like a robot sometimes. Anyway, I think its because I feel really dumb for not realizing all of this sooner? I do struggle a lot with depersonalization issues which I think has also led to me not realizing I was trans until... the same time I learned I was autistic. Look, it's been a really long year, okay? But I think all of the things that have made me incredibly good at masking all these years are the same things that have made me feel like I have a very limited sense of self. I think I'm gonna work on developing one.

One last thing: I always felt like a journal had to be neat and organized and pretty or else it wasn't right. And so I would spend all this time trying to get it perfect and it wasn't sinking in that the whole point is to journal your thoughts and get them out. And so I just felt like it did nothing for me but it's because I was dumb. This blog will be a way for me to stim when I need to get things out. And then I'll also keep a pretty journal full of pages of stickers and pieces of paper that I rip up and glue down that can be a creative outlet for when I need to get out creative energy (it's called junk journaling and if you are a little packrat gremlin who loves tactile doodads and thingies and art, you will love it. And all of the supplies are SO CHEAP online. Look it up on tiktok. Trust me.)

I feel like I might be getting an A in therapy.

--Xander

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #57 (part two)

Journal Entry #57 (part one) // STORY INDEX

Victor

Just in case anyone was getting the impression that mine and Yuri’s time apart has been completely consumed by thoughts of each other and of Yuri's therapy, let me fill you in on what else I've been doing since I've been back in Willow Creek.

To be fair, Yuri is on my mind a lot, and for the first few days I was here, I felt a little bit guilty whenever I was having fun with my friends or doing something new without him, but I'm feeling better about it now. I talked to Yuri and he said he felt the same way at first, but then he realized what a perfect opportunity he had to spend time bonding with his family.

Despite his initial misgivings about staying with his parents, he seems to be having a good time now, and he's obviously happy. I figured if it was okay for him to feel happy without me, it was also okay for me to feel happy without him. I missed him desperately though. No point in trying to hide that.

Anyway, once I got my head around my "temporary bachelor status", as my cousin Leo put it, I started to relax and really enjoy myself.

Speaking of bachelors, Uncle Stephen, Leo and I have been planning the most epic bachelor party of all time for Julian. We decided on an Italian theme because he and Mom are going to Tartosa for their honeymoon. There's going to be Italian food and music, and everyone's going to be encouraged to wear Italian beach club fashion. Uncle Stephen managed to reserve an event room at the Harbourside Haven with a view overlooking the water. It may be Newcrest, but we're gonna pretend it's a Tartosan beach scene.

At first, I thought it was kind of weird to have a theme, but Uncle Stephen said a lot of people have bachelor parties with themes. I deferred to him because what do I know? Nobody threw a bachelor party for Yuri and me, and this was my first time planning one for somebody else. Uncle Stephen has been involved in organizing at least three — his best friend Matthew's, Uncle JP’s, and my dad's — so that makes him an expert, as far as I'm concerned.

"By the time you get around to planning Leo's bachelor party, you'll be an expert too," he assured me.

Leo wants a superhero theme when his turn comes. Probably no surprise there.

Leo, Ellie and I have been spending as much time together as we can, which probably isn't going to be much of a surprise to anyone either. We've been getting up to our usual nonsense; playing soccer and racing bikes in the park, going to the pool and the arcade, and generally just hanging out, but we've been getting some productive stuff done as well.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but Julian moved in with Mom around the beginning of January, like maybe a week or two before my accident. He was originally planning to sell his house, but what ended up happening was that he transferred the title to Ellie instead. What that means is, Ellie gets to live in her childhood home and doesn't have to worry about paying a mortgage since Julian managed to fully pay it off a couple of years ago. At the end of April, Leo moved in there with her, and now they're wholly involved with renovating the place to make it exactly how they want.

They're actually not changing it significantly, but even cosmetic changes require a fair amount of work. They had to hire somebody to install their new kitchen cabinets and appliances, but Leo decided they could do the hardwood flooring in the living room themselves, as well as the painting and redecorating.

And that's where I came in. I might not be very good with electronics, but I definitely know my way around carpentry tools. My mom taught me a lot about home maintenance, so I can measure, saw and hammer with the best of them.

Almost as soon as I arrived, Leo enlisted both me and his sister Kiki to help with the flooring. Ellie and Kiki gleefully ripped out all the old carpet, and then they sanded and cleaned the subfloor. After that, Leo and I got down to business. We got the entire living room done over three days, and it looks fabulous, even if I say so myself.

We're all getting pretty good at painting too. Leo, Ellie, Kiki and I painted Ellie and Leo’s living room, kitchen and bedroom, and then I got them to come over to our new house and help me paint mine and Yuri's rooms, our living room and downstairs bathroom.

Robert and Kim did a bunch of renovations before they put the house on the market, so there’s really nothing much that needed to be changed except the colours of a few walls. The only thing I really want to do besides the painting is to install a jet tub in the upstairs bathroom. Yuri got used to having that at Uncle Kaz's place, and I think he should have one here. It’s very therapeutic for him.

You knew I'd inevitably come back to talking about Yuri, didn't you? Some of you are probably laughing over my inability to keep my mind off him. Go ahead. I don't mind. I'm hopelessly in love with him, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

As a matter of fact, Yuri is the whole reason why I was motivated to record this entry tonight, after kinda forgetting about our journal for almost three months. Now that I’ve gotten all the life updates out of the way, I can get to the really good part. It's the part I maybe should’ve led with, but I guess you’ve all figured out by now that I sometimes like to leave the best stuff till the end.

So, here’s the story. It actually started yesterday evening, when Yuri missed our regular seven o'clock FaceTime chat. By seven-fifteen, I decided I'd better call him. He didn't answer, but I wasn’t overly concerned right away because I thought there might just be something wrong with his iPad, so I texted him instead. I started getting scared when I received no reply to that either, and when I phoned him, I got a robotic-sounding error message that said the customer I was trying to reach had the phone turned off.

At that point, I systematically called everyone I could think of who might know what was going on, but Takahiro, Fox and Sakura had no clue, and the most that Mr. Okamoto's personal assistant Koichi could tell me was that Mr. Okamoto was away on important business for the next several days, which didn’t really help. When I tried to call Yuri's parents, I got the same error message I'd gotten when I attempted to call him.

I tossed and turned in bed all night, and every time I woke up, I sent another text to my husband. By seven o'clock this morning, when I still couldn't reach him, I started scrolling frantically through my phone to see if I had his grandparents' numbers. Somebody had to know something.

I didn't have a number for his grandmother or grandfather, but I did have contact information for his boss, Mr. Tanaka. It was a long shot, but I called him, which may not have been the wisest thing to do. Mr. Tanaka didn't have any idea where Yuri was or what might be happening, and I think I might've caused him to worry with my asking him about it.

Around ten o'clock, I was seriously considering getting online and trying to arrange an earlier flight back to Japan. I'm not even joking.

That was when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

I pulled it out and glanced at the screen. It was a message from Yuri.

You ever hear that phrase 'weak with relief'? I literally was, and I sank down the kitchen floor, nearly crying, with my phone still clutched in my hand.

As if he'd been reading my mind, the message said, «I love you and I'm okay.»

«Where are you?» I texted back with trembling fingers.

He sent, «I’m outside. Are you at home?»

Perplexed and still shaking, I replied, «Yeah. Why?»

«Look out the front window.»

Feeling thoroughly confused, I got to my feet, put my phone back in my pocket and made my way from the kitchen to the dining room so I could peer outside. Parked at the curb was a vehicle I didn't recognize. I took off my glasses so things further away would come into sharper focus, and I think i may have let out a small gasp when I realized who was behind the wheel of the unknown blue minivan.

It was Kenji Okamoto.

I was still forcing my mind to process that when the van's side door slid open and first Yuki and then Yuri climbed out. Mr. Okamoto got out of the driver's side to open the front passenger door for his wife, who was holding baby Kinai.

To say I was shocked would be putting it lightly. During all our daily conversations, Yuri hadn't mentioned anything about him and his family travelling. I could only assume they were here for the wedding, which is coming up in four days, but if they were here for the wedding, that would mean Mom and Julian both knew they were coming as well, and yet nobody had breathed a word about any of it to me.

I should've been upset about that, but I was way too excited over being unexpectedly reunited with Yuri to worry about having been kept in the dark. I mean, real talk here, the sound I made when I saw my husband was a lot louder than a gasp. A second later, I was flinging open the front door and flying down the steps, and he was hurrying to close the distance between us too, arms outstretched for an embrace.

I caught him and spun us both around in a circle right there on the walkway. "Yuri! I missed you!"

"Me too," he said, clinging tight as we completed our big, joyful circle. "I couldn't wait to get here. The last couple of hours, I was getting so impatient I could barely cope with it any more."

"This is why I couldn't reach you, isn't it? You were in a plane."

He was laughing. "Ah... surprise?"

"I was freaking out!" I exclaimed. "Like, I was literally just about to change my flight and everything! You should've known I'd panic when I couldn't reach you. Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

"I'm sorry," he said, as I carefully set him down. "Don't be angry. It was so hard to keep the secret, and I almost let it slip out, but we really wanted to surprise you."

"I'm not angry," I said. "I'm relieved you're okay, and I'm thrilled you're here, but..."

"But what?"

"I thought you couldn't travel," I said. "What about your therapy?"

"We'll only be here for a week," Yuri said. "I'll miss my psychologist appointment this week, and one in-person session with my nutritionist, and a food intelligence class.”

“Can you afford to miss that stuff?”

“I think so,” he said. “The nutritionist scheduled a fifteen-minute video call so I can check in and show her my food diary and talk about any concerns, but she said I’m doing so well that she thinks I’ll be all right even if I miss a full session.”

"So, uh... I guess you're here for Mom and Julian's wedding?"

"Of course," Yuri said. "I promised them I'd play, didn't I? And I've brought my accompanist with me."

Mr. Okamoto laughed at that. "The things I let myself get talked into," he said. "Grace called Yuri about a week ago to ask if he was able to come, or if they should make different arrangements for their wedding music. When he told her he could, she asked if we'd all like to come, and then Julian got on the phone with her and said that if I was coming, I ought to help with the music as well."

"Nothing like being drafted into a project last-minute," I said, amazed that Julian had felt comfortable enough with Mr. Okamoto to even make a request like that. They'd become fast friends when Mom and Julian were in Mt. Komorebi just after my accident, but I didn't think they'd gotten that well-acquainted. I mean, practising a whole set of wedding music with only a couple weeks' advance notice was a huge ask. I'm not sure I'd even ask my best friend in the world to do something like that.

"I don't mind," said Mr. Okamoto, much to my astonishment.

"You don't?"

"Yuri and I hadn't played together in a very long time, and we've been rediscovering how much we like our violin and piano duets. The music isn't that difficult, and we're already familiar with each other's playing style, so I think it'll work out quite well."

"That's...impressive," I said.

"It's an honour for us to play for your parents' wedding."

"I'm grateful to you for agreeing to it," I said, and I totally meant it. One of Yuri's favourite memories that he always talks about is of playing duets with his dad, and I'm glad they've started doing that again. I'm also super happy that Mom and Julian didn't end up having to hire random music students from the local college or something.

I pulled Yuri in for another hug. "And you too, sweet boy. I'm super happy that you... hang on."

"What?" Yuri said.

It'd taken a moment for my brain to register the observation, but it seemed that Yuri felt more solid in my arms than I remembered. "Excuse the change of subject, but have you gained weight?"

I know... not a very smooth question, right? In any other context, it would probably seem rude, but for us it had the complete opposite meaning.

Yuri drew back a little so he could look up at me. His face practically radiated happiness, and his beautiful smile accentuated the new fullness in his cheeks. "You noticed."

I slid my hands down his sides. "I can barely feel your ribs."

"I gained four kilos since you last saw me in person," he told me.

"In three weeks? Really? That's like, more than a whole kilogram per week." I glanced over his shoulder at his parents. "What have you been feeding him?"

From beside her father, Yuki piped up, "Milkshakes!"

"Not just milkshakes." Mr. Okamoto interjected hastily. He seemed to feel the need to be accountable to me, to prove they hadn't been so reckless as to let Yuri subsist on such a limited and arguably unhealthy diet. "He's been trying all sorts of new foods, haven't you, Yuri? But he does enjoy his strawberry milkshakes."

Of course I knew he'd been consuming more than milkshakes, but I acknowledged Mr. Okamoto's explanation with, "I'm glad you've been getting him to try new stuff." And then to Yuri, "Have you tried any other dairy products?"

"Real butter," he said. "And cream of broccoli soup. I didn't like that."

"Because of the broccoli, I guess. What about cheese?"

He made the most adorable face, scrunching up his cute button nose in distaste. "No. Cheese is disgusting."

"Unless it's in strawberry cheesecake," his father commented, looking entertained. "You should've seen him devouring that."

I raised an eyebrow. "Yuri, you ate cheesecake?"

"Mm-hmm, and cinnamon buns and dango. Oh, and ice cream!" Yuri said. "I can't believe I've been missing out on real ice cream this whole time."

“He’s been making up for it,” said Mr. Okamoto. "I've never seen anyone eat so many desserts."

"Well, I guess that explains the four kilos," I said.

Yuri offered up a grin that somehow managed to be simultaneously angelic and cheeky, "Aren't you proud of me, Victor?"

"Very," I said. "Four whole kilograms. That's awesome. You don't want to shoot past your goal, though. I hope you've been eating low-fibre vegetables and healthy proteins along with all your desserts."

"I don't like vegetables," he said.

"You like carrots and squash. I'll make you some carrot soup. That'll be the next thing for you to try, okay?"

"Okay." He leaned into me and nuzzled his cheek against my chest. "I'll eat it on one condition. You need to take me on a date to that ice cream place you're always talking about, with the forty flavours."

I laughed out loud and gave him an affectionate squeeze. I was beyond happy he'd discovered something new that he wanted to eat. "If you're not too tired from the trip, we can go this evening after dinner," I told him. "On one condition."

"Oh? What condition?"

"I know how much you love anything with strawberries, but The Frozen Cone has forty flavours. I really want you to try something other than strawberry."

"Peach?" he ventured.

"Good choice. They probably have that. They usually have orange-pineapple too, and cherry."

Yuri hummed softly, a little sound of satisfaction. "Let's try peach and cherry. I don't want to taste pineapple until we go to Sulani, okay? I want to save that experience for a really special occasion."

"Okay," I agreed.

"If we get a scoop of each kind in a bowl, we can share. Would that be all right?"

"That sounds perfect," I said.

"And you can feed me," he whispered, but evidently not quietly enough to prevent his father from overhearing.

Mr. Okamoto sounded torn between scolding and amusement. "Yuri—"

"One spoonful, because you're cute," I said. "But you'll be on your own for the rest of it. Rules are rules, you know."

"I tried," he said.

"Full marks for effort." I laughed, and kissed the top of his head. "Come on. Let's go inside. I can show you the paint job Leo and I did in your bedroom, and we can give your family the grand tour."

"Our family," he said.

"Our family," I repeated. I nodded to my in-laws. "Come on in."

Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto both thanked me and bowed respectfully, but I think Yuki forgot her manners in her excitement. She bounded forward and grabbed one of my hands. "Yuri said there's a ghost! Can I meet her?"

I smiled. "Well, that'll be up to Sachiko. I think if you call her Kobayashi-san and remember not to use her favourite mug, she'll come out and meet you. Don't be too surprised if she starts making small objects fly around the room, though."

Mrs. Okamoto frowned. "Are you saying the house really is haunted?"

"That's why the asking price was so low," I told her. "Don't worry, though. Sachiko isn't a bad ghost. She's just been here longer than we have, and she thinks it's her place, so her rules should apply."

"I... see," said my mother-in-law.

"What's this about the mug?" asked Mr. Okamoto.

"It's a red one," I said. "It's Sachiko's, and she's very possessive of it. No pun intended."

"Well," said my father-in-law. "A ghost with a mug, a wedding, and my son wanting to go to a forty-flavour ice cream shop. This should be an interesting week."

I couldn't resist a grin. "Family," I said. "Welcome to Willow Creek."

[lettucedloophole]

cw vague discussion of sexual stuff and Tmi stuff about transition (Transgener) and also just me journalling my feelings

this is gonna sound Crazy but i think porn (and cishet boys making porn noises. do not miss when that was peak humour) made me dysphoric about the way i moan 😭

i get a little distressed worrying about if my reasons for transition are disproportionately sexual or overly related to misogyny, but it would make sense that they would be sexual because Thats the site of Misogyny, and ultimately i do think misogyny caused some of my dysphoria, if not most of it, though i can't say all because i think in a genderless society it would be quite natural to alter your body-- going on hormones or getting surgery would be like getting a piercing or tattoo, but hopefully without the prior distress of the Imposition of Gender and yknow. Patriarchal Discrimination.

i'm pretty certain i would be happy living with the effects of hormones day to day (except balding. will go Livid if that happens tho i mean... i like shaving my head a lot and odd haircuts so it probs wouldnt be a big deal but i want the option of growing it out to remain) but im not sure if i can say the same about bottom surgery. it seems like other trans ppl are so sure 😭 and i mean it's not like it'd be feasible for me to get it for a long time anyway but i might as well think about it in the mean time... i'm kind of ambivalent abt my vagina. but i wonder if i could be happier with something else? but i don't want to Not have a vagina in Case though (i dont think i can do anal. not willing to prep that much 💀)

so i always thought if i would get bottom surgery i'd go for a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty but i saw a pretty good meta result some days ago that's making me reconsider. and then it makes me think like, what do i want a dick for? it seems kind of.. troublesome to have an organ between ur legs. i think i'm focused a lot on ejaculation (oh yeah this post is def getting a cw) but that's not something i can do with a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty, i think. and then there's the question of clit burial and i naturally lean towards not burying it but i think i would prefer to bury it if i was sure .. and idk the complication rate cos if i lose sensation (i'm fine with doing a forearm graft) i would Lose my Mcfucking mind. i think maybe. and it's scary since there's a lot of surgeons out there who just seem to want to hurt trans people. but i'm fat anyway so i would probably not even be accepted for surgery lol 😭

so it's probably never even going to be possible for me. i take comfort in the idea that i can pack and bind and sort of. try b4 u buy. yk 🫡👍 tho im not getting top surg bc i dont wanna and i feel like i have some body acceptance to do in regards to my boobs. im rly ,, ashamed of them bc i have lots of acne scars and other scabs (caused by me. picking at my skin. either scrapes or acne lmao) and i think i would be happy with them and a lot more of my body if i could stop picking at shit and have those scars clear up. its acc so isolating to have this issue so shoutout to the one lady i followed on twt who posted a proud boob pic with some boob scars or acne (or as i call it boob-ne. like back-ne but it doesn't rhyme but it sounds funny) or smth. that made me feel less alone and not ugly 🙏

i have a lot of scars on my shoulders (Prime skin picking real estate) and the center of my chest but i still wear clothes that. show those areas sometimes and i wonder if ppl think im brave. bc i'm not i just try not to think about it after the clothes are on and i'm outside of my room Doin Stuff . same with the cutting scars on my arm but mostly my thighs. no one has ever really brought up my picking or self harm scars save for the first time my dad saw my self harm scars (that was a doozy) and this one time my dad's friend looked at my facial acne and gave me a recommendation for some product (i know she meant well but. girl 🙃) and i am so fucking thankful for ppls silence. like please just let me exist

i saw one of my childhood friends recently and Embarassingly enough i had a Mental Illness moment in front of her and i kind of wanted to, to shatter the illusion that i was the same as i was as a child because i feel so different that it feels like a lie, and i feel like i need to show the real me to people so they can decide to hate me if they want to. but i also kind of didn't want to but it would be difficult for me to cry and then collect myself in public 😭 and she comforted me but didn't make a big deal about it and maybe that helped more. idk i and probably others put a lot of emphasis on mental health but it's kind of nice to feel like... normal.. and move on. my mom kind of smothers me about my mental health and it's something i appreciate technically but maybe not in practice. idk if it's trauma but maybe i just don't appreciate physical comfort as much as i thought i did, or emotional worrying over ppl. it's just confusing bc i thought i desired these things a lot but i think it was just that the complete absence of them from my life affected me negatively, and i wanted Some Amount of it but not like A Lot. it seemed like i wanted a lot because of how much i was yearning for it but i don't think so lol 😭

it kind of follows that pattern of my mom being Too much and my dad being too little (Borderline neglectful but emotionally lmao 😭) so i guess it makes sense why my desires don't align with what i actually want. i suppose i need to Experience more to figure it out.

i also keep having Bisexual Panik that im turning straighter or am going to date a cis guy because i feel like i place a lot of emphasis on my attraction to guys. in my Mind. but i think i just note when i'm attracted to guys more bc im much more often attracted to women . and it would be difficult to keep track of all the attractive women 😭 i worry sometimes that ppl are gonna see this and be like "oh this bihet's gonna end up with a man" but what i worry about even more than that is they might be right.. but i hope not. i dony want date cishet man <3

ive reached the point in my college class now where ive Given up on voluntary reading. technically it's not voluntary but if we're not doing a class activity with it or discussing it in class its voluntary to me lmfao 💀 i struggled quite a bit with my lastest assignment, though i did get it done on time, which makes me worry that I won't be able to handle two classes. i really worry that i'm never going to be mentally stable enough to hack it. i don't think mental health meds can fix that for me as the only ones i have left to try (or the ones my psych thinks i should try, anyway) are antipsychotics and i keep having fucking insurance issues with them and they're charging me a bajillion fucking dollars so at that rate i'm never going to try them lmfao. so then i should maybe try getting tested for adhd again or autism.. but getting dxed with autism would do Nothing and just cost money. but if i did have adhd and needed medication and that made me function better, that would help! but i also worry that i have no observable condition and am just simply unable to exist in the capitalist hellscape climate by virtue of being the me... that would be the worst. but i worry that's what it is lol 😭 ah i should schedule an adhd test before i change my mind

[lovelyfaustus]

(I would much rather be on anon, instead of flaunting my art account, but ...)

Hello! If you have time, could I request a matchup from you? If you’re currently busy or do not have the time, I understand and I thank you for reading this much anyway.

Im a 22 year old, 5'4" gay (trans) guy with very wavy brown hair I like to dye bright blue or have faded blonde tips, I'm average-ly sized, and I wear glasses. I am mostly very polite, quiet, and "charming" around new people, though that's mostly just a default reaction. Towards friends, I am more snarky and quick-witted, and to crushes ... I am extremely tsundere and deny my emotions, until I fully trust the person I like (which can take a while). I'm relatively smart (above average), and my hobbies consist of Writing and Composing Music (I can play upwards of 11 instruments, and sing), Drawing/painting, and collecting facts on familiar birds or exotic bugs. I even have a hand written journal dedicated to flora and fauna I've found interesting facts for. I'm extremely determined and very rarely give up on anything once I've set my mind to it, I just rarely want anything.

Thank you for your time, I'm sorry about the length of this ask. Once again if it's too disinteresting, long, or you have enough on your plate, then focus on you! I wish you the best and hope you enjoy your day.

u sound cool af !! ty for requesting aa ur too sweet ! D,:

hmm,,,, after reading your request a couple times i cant help but wanna pair you with Sebastian :0 (pls dont hate me if you didnt want seb aaaa)

i feel like, upon first meeting you, sebastian would right off the hook fall for your charm. in fact i think he would try to “out charm” you lol. He would also internally compliment your manners when he meets you for the first time! like >;0? Your politeness is impeccable!

after gaining the honorable title of your friend, Sebastian would probably be taken back by your wit. For some reason he didn’t expect human behavior to be so ??? inconsistent????? if you like, walk away from him after some witty banter the reaction you’d probably get is just

🧍‍♂️❓

HE FINDS IT VERY ENTICING THO!!!

if you were ever comfortable enough or in a situation where you wanted to tell him that you’re trans, he would accept it ofc !! He likes you a whole lot, you’re a very interesting human! nothing is going to change that :) He may ask you questions about it though, like maybe when you realized or what kinda things make you comfy/uncomfy. tbh if he found out abt someone personally being against u for being trans, that person would end up dead somewhere in like a ditch or something

HE !! WANTS !! TO HEAR YOUR MUSIC !!!!!!!!

SHOW HIM NOW!!!!!! hes like , MESMERIZED at how well it sounds, how put together and organized it is. his human did this !!!!!!!! he feels like the coolest man in the world bc hes so honored to know you >:0!

I feel like Sebastian would find secret stashes of your writing and read it behind your back (not in like a bad way tho¿ like if u asked where ur writing went he’d be like “oh i found it and i wanted to read it. its really good btw”)

you and him paint together !! he likes watching over your shoulder when you draw. Also!! when he finds your journals about florals he’ll probably ask to let finnian borrow them and the scenario is just like

seb: Finny! the lovely (ur name) has given me this book to lend to you. Please read over it and return it in mint condition. *tosses finnian into a dead rosebush*

he likes that youre a very strong willed person! he thinks your compassion is really charming!

-

aaaa IM SORRY if this is like. ugly bad and stupid D: i have never done matchups before nd im kinda scared im accidentally gonna give someone a character they hate :C

[imalwayshere4]

April 11, 2022

Umm, Hi Dylan. I wanted to make this for you. Now see I wanted to do this on paper, and make a journal for you to keep because i know I'm gonna see you one day, but I couldn't find one, and i can't get one right now, and im quite impatient but hey it's okay because now we'll have our secret little diary in here. okay not a diary, i'm writing to you, but i just feel as if i show emotion a lot more through typing, and writing, and i just have a lot of feelings, and emotion towards you, and i don't feel as if i express that enough, because i'm so nervous around you sometimes, And i'm just really awkward about my feelings, but i want you to know, you know? So i'm going to write to you as much as possible i think.. i don't really know how im going about this or where i'm going with this but just know for one thing, i'm not very organized so this may or may not be all over the place, but i know maybe you get me so maybe you'd understand. As of today, i feel okay, and just okay, but one thing thats better than okay is having you here again you know that? you're like the sun in my life, which honestly could be seen as a good thing and a bad thing, but mostly a good thing as you make me happy, and you're like my rock?? i guess? i just feel really comfortable around you and i always feel like i can be myself, and you never judge me, that's one thing i've kinda noticed, we can just talk for hours "in our own world" as you said and that little world is my "escape" i guess from the real world and everything bad that goes on in my head you take me away from that place like, a vacation or something like that... i don't know i just kinda need a minute to just write on until stuff that i wanna say really comes out, see i always have so much to say and so many thoughts until i actually start writing, and then poof they're gone </3 but hey its okay. Anyways Mind vacation, yes you take me on a mind vacation. you take me into your little world and you tell me all your stories and your dreams and all just all these little things about you (that i try to remember) and i love that. it's just comforting for some reason, and just hearing you talk about things that make you happy or things you remember from when you were younger or just stories of you being a dumbass i love it so much and it makes my night, and i can't wait until i can talk to you every night, just like we used to, and i can hear your voice again <3. I am a little bit nervous about writing this honestly because what if you don't like to read and what if these is coming off as too corny. i feel like such a nerd writing this lowkey, but im not sure how else to get all of this off my chest... OHHH umm i just had an idea, i'm gonna treat this as if im like talking to you yk, and ocassionally bring in how i feel? makes sense? this is probably such a bad intro but i will write more and hopefully it'll get better the more and more i write and the more i get comfy with this shittttt but for right now im gonna call it a night, cause im super sleepy, i did tell you iwas going to bed because i was sad like an hour ago maybe but i didnt, instead i decided to watch death note (a little of it) cause you asked me to :) so we could talk about... something with the show.. i don't remember but maybe tomorrow you'll tell me. I also gotta remember to do our life 360 circle again, IDK why i like them so much it just makes me feel closer to you (in a non creepy way) I honestly can't wait to give you this oh so great virtual gift, and maybe i will end up buying an actual journal and writing in it sometime for you, it's like im writing a book for you ahaha, kinda.. i don't know but yeah, like i said hopefully you can understand how i feel more about you, and i just wanna open up a piece of my mind to you, because you're so special to me and i just wanna give you something...and for right now, until we're together this is what i'lll do. I just honestly hope you like reading as much as i like typing this. i could talk about you forever honestly, But i should probably go to sleep honestly. It's late But

i'll hopefully write to you tomorrow, and talk to you tomorrow too :) . (also does 24/7 mean ily???) GOODNIGHT <3