#Alex called me their angel once and now I'm losing my shit

[dancing-with-death-at-prom]

Sir-

You had NO RIGHTS to make Alex a sap acshsjsjaja THEY ARE KILLING ME

[lazarushound]

The Official lazarushound Dean Winchester Playlist

Okay so this playlist is a big deal to literally no one except me but I spent like two hours explaining every single song on my dean playlist and I'll be damned if I don't share it with SOMEONE.

The playlist in question, which I update and add songs too fairly often(ish). It's roughly arranged in order of Dean's story, from pre-canon to the finale. A fair few of the songs are courtesy of catgirlhannibal, whom I adore.

Warning that is is a VERY LONG READ and almost definitely is plagued with typos. Without further ado, here is the 9.5k word explanation of every single song (at time of posting) on the playlist. Call that shit explicable Dean Winchester vibes, complete with my favourite lyrics from each song.

• Ramble On - Led Zeppelin

Dean's favourite song! The whole song is basically about having no choice but to keep going, even when things are tough. It's also actually about LOTR which is funny cause Dean's secretly a nerd lol. But yeah, it reflects a lot on Dean's nature as a traveller and someone who never settles in one place for long. Sometimes I grow so tired but I know I've got one thing I've got to do - I ramble on.

• Travelling Riverside Blues - Led Zeppelin

Dean's other favourite song! Probably not a popular reading of this song but for me, it definitely has a level of queer coding. Asked sweet mama, let me be your kid, she said "you might get hurt if you don't keep it hid" is the most obvious example of it.

• Psalms 40:2 - The Mountain Goats

Very biblical song lol. It's a lot about small town America (as many TMG songs are) and shitty motels which resonates with Dean pretty heavily. Not to mention: He has raised me from the pit and set me high.

• Night Moves - Bob Segar

This one is literally in the show so naturally reminds me of him. But it's about a teenage romance which definitely makes me think of young Dean. I mean, come on: out in the backseat of my '60 Chevy when the man drives a '67 Chevy??

• Father - The Front Bottoms

A few songs on this playlist are pretty much only there for one or two lines. This is not one of them. I could write another essay about this song and how it relates to Dean, every fucking line. You were high school, and I was just more like real life, and you were okay as a girlfriend, but I was just more like his wife 😮‍💨

• Old Number Seven - The Devil Makes Three

This is another song I'm pretty convinced was written about Dean. Once played it on guitar and my dad asked if it was about him so that's all the validation I needed. Angels start to look good to me, they're gonna have to deport me to the fiery deep.

• Mission - Alex G

This song to me is very much pre canon/season one Dean. It's all about following orders and being a good soldier, much like Dean's devotion to his father. I was trained to stick to the mission, I was trained, I kept it on track. To me, Mission has a slightly bitter tone, as though the narrator is resentful that they've followed orders so obediently and only suffered as a result.

• Adam Raised a Cain - Bruce Springsteen

Courtesy of catgirlhannibal. What a surprise, another biblical song. Dean sees himself as nothing more than a soldier, violent and aggressive. He sees his father as a hero, despite the fact that he's an abusive bastard. Well, daddy worked his whole life for nothing but pain, now he walks these empty rooms looking for something to blame.

• Shoulders - Big Thief

Okay, I'd argue this song is more akin to Sam than Dean but fuck you, this is my playlist and I choose the music. And the blood of the man who killed my mother with his hands, it's in me, it's in me, in my veins is obviously related to Sam and Azazel but also to Dean and John, as though Dean comes to realise that he's just like his father.

• Celene - Gigi Perez

End of season two! This song is about losing a sibling and is very much the mindset I pictured Dean to be in after losing Sam for the first time. I'd also argue it's how Dean felt when Sam was at Stanford. The other day I thought of something funny, but no one would have laughed but you.

• Like Real People Do - Hozier

Why were you digging? What did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth? HELLOOO CASTIEL! Very season four Destiel, those boys will NOT kiss like real people do.

• It's Only Sex - Car Seat Headrest

Okay so post-resurrection Dean is VERRRRRY traumatised which makes it difficult for him to enjoy the things he used to love, including sex. This song is also about his struggle over his feelings for Cas: what happens if I don't like it? I like you.

• Not Allowed - TV Girl

Well, you may not like it but you better learn how cause it's your turn now! Very much following on from It's Only Sex, similar themes in this song but more relating to Dean's insistence on keeping up The Act and pretending he's the same man he was before Hell.

• Presumably Dead Arm - Sidney Gish

Second catgirlhannibal song to make the list. Just to start this off, this isn't the start of anything. To me, this whole song is Dean skirting around his feelings for Cas and trying to pretend they don't exist in hopes they go away eventually. They don't. Honey, you are nothing to me, (but alcohol and dopamine)/(I don't call people anything thought to be so sweet).

• Tangled in Ropes - Holy Locust

I literally wrote a whole essay about this one so I'll keep it short with just the best lyric. Had a laugh made of wax, house made of butter, how they melted that summer.

• Hate Yourself - TV Girl

If there's one thing we've learned about Dean Winchester, it's that the man loves to use sex as a means to avoid his problems. How long will it take? Before you start to hate yourself and go straight into the arms of someone else is just straight up Dean struggling to give himself time to grieve and overcome his trauma. He'd rather just hookup with someone else and pretend it doesn't make him hate himself more and more every time.

• Cherry Wine - Hozier

See: my whole essay about this song and Destiel. And it's worth it, it's divine, I have this some of the time.

• Body to Flame - Lucy Dacus

Another catgirlhannibal song! I see you holding your breath with your arms outstretched, waiting for someone to come rip open your chest. This song to me feels like Dean kicking himself for every trusting Cas, after Cas betrays him for the first time. To accept Cas as his family was going against his every instinct to close himself off from outsiders, and Cas just proved him right by betraying him.

• Motion Sickness - Phoebe Bridges

Okay this one is basically just for I hate you for what you did, and I miss you like a little kid lol. It just perfectly encapsulates Dean, bitter and resentful towards Cas whilst simultaneously missing him so much his heart aches.

• I'm Your Man - Mitski

Oh, woof. Continuing the betrayal arc, this song is all about Dean's guilt. It's his fault Cas fell from Heaven, his fault this angel isn't holy anymore. I'm sorry I'm the one you love, no one will ever love me like you again.

• Not Strong Enough - Boygenius

Where do I start? Always an angel, never a god 😮‍💨 I think if you played this song to Dean it would break him a little bit. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM!!!

• Legit Tattoo Gun - The Front Bottoms

I was aware of this song but catgirlhannibal brought to my attention that it's Destiel coded 🧐 Who did I think I was? Who did I think that I could be? Oh, how dare me. Dean just kicking himself for ever thinking he could allow himself to have something with Cas.

• SHALLOW (PPL SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER) - Saya Gray

Okay, this one is a bit of a "hear me out." I'm seeing Mother Mary, she says I'm closer to Hell than the clouds are to Heaven. Dean's mother is called Mary so she's LITERALLY Mother Mary which scratches my brain very nicely. Obviously Dean sees himself as a sinner and doomed for Hell, despite the fact that he's a hero. And I left my enemies, cause nobody hates myself more than me, GOOD LORD DOES THAT MAN LOVE SOME SELF LOATHING. My mother's evil and the angels too is soooooo self explanatory. Dean has an idealistic version of Mary in his head which is challenged when she comes back to life and he interacts with her as an adult. There's also the fact that real angels aren't as "good" as you'd think. Sometimes I don't think I'm cherished enough.

• John Wayne Gacy, Jr. - Sufjan Stevens

This song is an allegory for being gay. The narrator sees himself as evil, just as bad as the serial killer for which the song is named, just because he's gay. And in my best behaviour, I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.

• Always - Panic! At the Disco

Another one that is less obvious without me explaining it lol. The light in this song is a reference to the Great Gatsby which is a whole other queer coded story in its own right. But I always (hehe) picture this song as Dean struggling with Cas' feelings for him which are becoming more and more evident. It was always you falling for me particularly stands out to me, along with you are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card.

• Star Tripping - Kevin Atwater

Okay I looooooove love this song. But it's another song which relates to God and being queer. It's about a very toxic relationship, in which one person is relatively okay with their sexuality and the other is incredibly repressed (seem familiar?). I could use any lyric from this song but I'll go with: you think He made you wrong, I think you're giving Him way too much credit, crying at the party, know it only bothers you if you let it, later you can kiss me, blame it on the stuff you took to forget it.

• The Calendar - Panic! At The Disco

Another Panic! song 💀 also from vices and virtues. Another "hear me out." There's the more obvious I will come back to life but only for you but I also think the rest of the song relates pretty strongly to Destiel. You said if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat you away, I'd rather be a cannibal baby, animals like me don't talk anyway. For me, it strongly resembles Dean's view of himself, an attack dog. Cannibalism as a metaphor for love. And obviously that man loves to repress stuff and let it eat him away, so to speak.

• Lacy - Olivia Rodrigo

Lawd. This song has a lot of queer subtext in and of itself. It's all about adoring someone to the point where you become insecure because you know you'll never be as good as them. The song is bitter and resentful whilst simultaneously loving and adoring. I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you, yeah I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you. He hates himself because he loves Cas. HE HATES HIMSELF BECAUSE HE LOVES CAS.

• Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Dean does not let himself have nice things. Lord knows, it would be the first time. This song feels pretty self explanatory to me lol.

• Feeling Oblivion - Turin Brakes

Okay this is my favourite song of all time so I'm slightly biased for including it HOWEVER. I feel it also applies to Dean pretty well. We're now at the point in the story where Dean is about to/has already lost Cas. This song invokes an incredibly deep feeling of nostalgia for me, like looking back on when things were better. Now it is night time, maybe we're cruising avoiding the anti-cruise, like tell me this isn't Dean and Cas just driving around Kansas cause Dean can't sleep 😭 and don't even get me fucking started on so don't leave me here on my own, by the time fear takes me over, will we still be rolling? Feeling oblivion cause this song makes me cry every time I hear it I stg.

• Who We Are - Hozier

Poor Dean :( bro has just lost his best friend, and is now realising that he'll never be able to tell him how he felt. It's like he's seeing things plainly for the first time, realising what he's been missing. He never had Cas because they spent so long avoiding their relationship, and now it's too late. You only feel it when it's lost, getting through still has its cost, quietly, it slips through your fingers, love, falling from you drop by drop.

• Crack Baby - Mitski

I don't know if I really need to say more than: crack baby, you don't know what you want, but you know that you had it once, and you know that you want it back.

• Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

This is another song that's in the show (dark side of the moon, I love you) so naturally reminds me of Dean. It might be a bit on the nose putting it right at the end but it just feels like Dean finally letting himself rest (die of tetanus). Mama, put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore.

[sanjuwrites]

wip wednesday

thanks to @inkweedandlizards, @heartstringsduet, @alrightbuckaroo, @carlos-in-glasses and @theghostofashton for the tag!

getting two for the price of one today!

agent reyes

“It’s not like I haven’t stolen from the British museum before, I don’t think the security schematics are going to be that different this time around, at least in terms of the security cameras and alarm systems. Guards and extraneous security for the jewelry? Now that’s a different story, we need your friend Alex for that. So tell him to not bother with blueprints, but for extraneous security for the diamonds. I heard that the prince is going to be there, so there’s definitely some extra people.”

Carlos’ expression twitches at the mention of Alex’s husband, before smoothing back out.

Carlos frowns, processing what TK said, “Wait, what the hell did you steal from The British Museum? Your dossier – which I put together, by the way – has nothing stolen from the British Museum. You’ve never set foot in the museum, as far as we know.”

Mateo lets out a snort, and Marjan – which, what the hell, she’s quiet – laughs a little. 

“I’m sorry, am I missing something?” Carlos frowns, looking around. 

“No, sorry, it’s just that Paul said that the CIA never made the connection, but I didn’t realize that you literally have no idea, not even an inkling. This is so much more complicated to explain, Jesus.” TK thuds his head against the dining table, a silent scream leaving him. 

“Spit it out, TK.” Carlos feels his impatience and anxiety rising in tandem.

“I was also the Shadow Thief.”

Carlos blinks. “What?”

“I stole under a different alias from 2013 to mid-2016, until…” TK clears his throat, “until my mother died. I flew off the rails a little after that, and then I came back as the Phoenix. There’s a couple jobs you didn’t catch as the Phoenix, before some of the other crews gave me the nickname. I forged the coins to drop around the jobs after that, as a little calling card and homage to the crews that helped me …rise back up, so to speak.”

untitled house run - rwrb

Alex sits back in his desk chair, blowing out a breath. 

At thirty-four, he can safely say that this was never in his plan anymore, not after everything that happened with him and Henry. 

God, he needed to talk to Henry.

Speak of the angel, and he shall appear, Alex thinks wryly. Henry leans against the doorway, smiling at him softly, holding a glass of red wine. “Hey love. I called you five times to come down for dinner, but you didn’t answer. Is everything okay?”

Alex smiles at Henry, and if it looks fake, Henry doesn’t call him on it, just walks over to him, pressing a kiss to his temple, sitting on the edge of the desk. “I’m okay, baby, just busy with this trial coming up for the firm. My associate has been out for a week with appendicitis, so I’m also doing a lot of prep work for it too. Is that,” Alex says, nodding at the glass, “for me?”

Henry nods, handing the glass off. “Do you want me to bring dinner up, love?”

Alex closes his laptop, shaking his head. “No, this can wait till tomorrow. For now, I just want to enjoy the night with my husband, if that works for you? Or do you have some prettier man to sneak off to?” Alex has the most shit-eating grin on his face, and Henry rolls his eyes. 

“Yes, Alex, I sneak out every night as I require the sexual rigor of a twenty-five year old to keep my appetite satiated,” he says in a deadpan, making Alex laugh as he brackets Henry’s hips against the desk, leaning down to kiss him once, twice, thrice.

“Let me show you ‘sexual rigor,’ baby,” he murmurs against Henry’s jaw before sucking the skin into his mouth. Henry lets out a breathy laugh as he lets himself be pushed down onto the desk, wine glass and all thoughts of dinner abandoned as they lose themselves in each other.

i'm gonna tag @bonheur-cafe, @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut, @birdclowns, @liminalmemories21, @reyesstrand, @lightningboltreader, and @strandnreyes!

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Forget Me Not Jim Mason x Reader 50 First Dates AU Pt 9

@michael-langdon-appreciation

There was this itchy sensation at the back of her brain screaming it was past time for this to be over. Not only the baby's arrival, but all of it. Her family had taken control of the waiting room down the hall, but they still managed to hover. Between the anxious glances and the well-meant but annoying suggestions to make her feel better, she was ready to kick their collective oversized asses out of the hospital.

She was having a baby, damn it, not on her deathbed. There was too much going on now that labor had started. Too much, and yet not enough to distract her from thinking about what she wanted.

Or more specifically who she wanted.

"I can’t do this anymore." Y/N eased her way down the hall, holding tightly to Medina’s arm.

"I don't think you can cancel at this point, hon." Medina paced slowly, her head dipping closer as her volume went even lower. "Although, if you want me to encourage anyone to leave, tell me, okay? Anyone," she said pointedly as one of Y/N's brothers stepped toward them.

Here they went again. Y/N eased a hand over her rock-solid belly as she paused to deal with another contraction. "Oh damn, this hurts."

Her brother Alex wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "You're doing great."

She couldn’t answer for a moment. It was nice to know they cared, but really? Her brothers and her dad? Y/N blew out the final moment of pain and straightened to look into Alex's concerned eyes. "Thanks for the encouragement, but please. Go home, and we’ll let you know when the kid arrives."

"Take the other guys with you too," Medina suggested. "Because, dude, none of you are going anywhere near the delivery room when the actual event is happening."

"Ick, that is so true."

Y/N squeezed her brother's hand. "I'm glad you want to be there for me, but this is going a little too far, if you know what I mean."

Only, Alex wasn’t watching her, he was watching the nurses' station. "I don't mind hanging out for a while."

Jeez, good to know his reasons for being here weren’t all about wrapping her in cotton. "Go home, Alex. Or at least pretend to go so I don’t have to look at you. We'll call when there’s news." Y/N  stepped away and ignored him, easing through the next few contractions.

It wasn't her family she wanted around. She wanted Jim. She'd allowed him to be sent way, and she'd thought it was the right thing to do, but now that the moment had come she wasn't so sure.

Medina led her down the corridors in an endless loop. Her brothers had at least obeyed the part about getting out of sight, although knowing them, they’d probably only hit the coffee shop on the second floor and were tormenting people there.

Between contractions and pacing, she paused to look out the window. Spring had already passed, easing into full-on summer, and it was time for all kinds of new things.

Maybe a new chance as well.

Medina leaned on the wall beside her, arms crossed over her chest. "You want to call him?"

Was she that transparent? "Jim?"

Her best friend shrugged. "Honey, you love the guy. I think he loves you, and I doubt at this point anyone here at the hospital is going to call the cops if he shows up, restraining order or not." She made a rude noise. "I think we'd all lie our asses off for you two right now."

"I can’t...” Y/N thought really hard about what she wanted to say to finish that sentence.

She couldn't what?

I can't do this without him.

She lifted her eyes to her friend's. "Do you think he wants to be here? Even if it might get him arrested?"

Medina held out her cell phone, Jim's number already up on the screen. "I bet he'd go through hell itself to be here if you asked."

It really wasn’t that hard, hitting the button to make the call.

“Medina?" Jim sounded breathless. "Is she okay? Is the baby there? Tell me they're both fine."

His obvious concern had Y/N's throat closing tight, and she had to force out the words. "Jim, it's me. I'm doing good, but ..."

“Y/N? Thank God. You had the baby?"

"Not yet." She paused, wondering if it was right to even offer him the temptation. It wasn’t her who could end up in jail. But he'd told her once she should reach out and take what she wanted, and damn if she wasn't going to do exactly that. At least to offer him the option and let him decide if the risks were worth it. "This could get you in trouble, but do you want to be here? I mean, be with me when the baby arrives?"

"Oh, yeah." Loud clattering rang in the background, something like a door slamming. "Are you asking me to come to the hospital?"

"It might be a terrible idea, but yes, I want you here-oh, shit..." Another contraction hit, and she had to bend over and concentrate on breathing.

Jim's anxious voice blared from the phone as she held it against her thigh, his frantic questions getting louder and louder.

Medina somehow helped support her and at the same time grabbed the phone. "Stop shouting. She's busy for a minute." A pause, then Medina snorted. "Well, I don't know, sweetheart. Hold on to your knickers and I'll ask her." Her friend held the phone against her chest to cover the speaker. "What should I tell him?"

Y/N blew out a long breath as she found her feet, reaching for the phone. "Jim, me again. Sorry about that. I want you with me, if you still want to be here."

"You know I do."

Y/N twisted to the right in surprise. His answer had come not from the phone, but from the man himself who stood only two feet away. He was breathing heavily as if he’d been running stairs.

Y/N was breathing pretty hard herself. "Seven fucking hells, how did you do that?"

"If he's got a transporter and he hasn’t shared until now, I'm going to be pissed off." Medina held out her hand and gave Jim a quick handshake. "Now that you’re here for backup, I'm going to do a little distracting of the nursing staff and warn the people who will help us. I'll return in a moment to be an awesome baby catcher. I suggest you two hide out in the birthing room."

"Good idea."

They paused as Medina backed away, briefly flashing them two thumbs-up before she twirled and disappeared around a corner. Jim let Y/N guide him quickly into the private room she'd been given.

Only once the door was shut did he answer Y/N's question. "I was in the parking lot, waiting in my truck. Hoping that you'd call." He was there, the bruises on his face fading, his dark eyes taking her in from head to toe, and he reached out... And stopped. His hand fell to his side. His big strong body trembling as if he were afraid. “Y/N, I'm here for you. For you and the baby." His eyes-God, his eyes. Full of pain, and yet hope. "I promise with everything in me that’s true."

She was going to be bawling in a minute, which wasn't going to work great with the whole labor thing still happening. "I know."

Y/N caught him by the hand and tugged them together. She had to twist sideways to make room for her belly as she stepped into the warmth of his body, but he had his arms around her and that was all she needed right then. The solid assurance that he was there. That he was hers.

Jim stroked her hair as he held her. "I hate that we’ve had to be apart."

She nodded. "If you see the PVPD coming, hide in the bathroom.”

A reluctant laugh escaped him. "No more hiding. This is too important an event for me to spend it in the parking lot waiting for news."

"Were you really just going to sit there?" Y/N didn't want to let go of him, his touch soothing her more than any breathing techniques.

Jim stroked her cheek as he gazed into her eyes. "I was planning on sneaking in, but this is so much better than hiding behind a mask and staring through the door. And if I do get in trouble, it'll be worth it."

They had to pause each time a contraction hit, but the distraction of their conversation helped make the pain fade a little.

He rubbed her back before she even asked him to, touching her gently, supporting her. His strong hands that were capable of inflicting pain giving such tender care. And when he cupped her face in his hands and leaned in to kiss her tenderly, she lost it.

"It was bad enough that I had to lose memories, now I've lost these last weeks with you." She held his hand against her cheek. "Damn Rick to hell."

"Forget Rick, Angel Eyes. He doesn't matter, or he won't in a few days. What does matter is I love you."

She gasped out a laugh past the tears. "I love you too, Jim."

"Forever," he added, stroking her cheek and wiping away her tears. "I'm going to love you forever. And that's not going to change, and if I have to spend the next sixty years reminding you again and again, it'll be worth it."

"It'll be worth it," she repeated. There were still questions they had to answer, but right now, he was there and the kid in her belly was posing the most demanding request. "Ahh, Jim? I think it's time."

"Time for what?"

She wanted to laugh, but the pressure was building too fast. "The baby?" she reminded him.

His eyes widened. "Now?"

"Now."

[sanjuwrites]

wip wednesday

im on vacation yall ignore the fact that this is atrociously late <3

thank you to @carlos-in-glasses, @theghostofashton, @sznofthesticks, and @heartstringsduet for the tag!

Alex sits back in his desk chair, blowing out a breath. 

At thirty-four, he can safely say that this was never in his plan anymore, not after everything that happened with him and Henry. 

God, he needed to talk to Henry.

Speak of the angel, and he shall appear, Alex thinks wryly. Henry leans against the doorway, smiling at him softly, holding a glass of red wine. “Hey, love. I called you five times to come down for dinner, but you didn’t answer. Is everything okay?”

Alex smiles at Henry, and if it looks fake, Henry doesn’t call him on it, just walks over to him, pressing a kiss to his temple, sitting on the edge of the desk. “I’m okay, baby, just busy with this trial coming up for the firm. My associate has been out for a week with appendicitis, so I’m also doing a lot of prep work for it too. Is that,” Alex says, nodding at the glass, “for me?”

Henry nods, handing the glass off. “Do you want me to bring dinner up, love?”

Alex closes his laptop, shaking his head. “No, this can wait till tomorrow. For now, I just want to enjoy the night with my husband, if that works for you? Or do you have some prettier man to sneak off to?” Alex has the most shit-eating grin on his face, and Henry rolls his eyes. 

“Yes, Alex, I sneak out every night as I require the sexual rigor of a twenty-five year old to keep my appetite satiated,” he says in a deadpan, making Alex laugh as he brackets Henry’s hips against the desk, leaning down to kiss him once, twice, thrice.

“Let me show you ‘sexual rigor,’ baby,” he murmurs against Henry’s jaw before sucking the skin into his mouth. Henry lets out a breathy laugh as he lets himself be pushed down onto the desk, wine glass and all thoughts of dinner abandoned as they lose themselves in each other. 

i'm gonna tag @decafdino, @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut, @birdclowns, @lightningboltreader, @reyesstrand and @liminalmemories21