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5hfanfiction · 6 years

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Why Did I Get Married? (Camren)

Part Nineteen: Romance

Most people don’t want to hear this, but real relationships that last requires a lot of forgiveness. Sometimes you just have to forgive. You have to accept the fact that your significant other isn’t perfect. They’re going to hurt you, they’re going to disappoint you and they’re going to upset you.

They’re only human, as are you.

You have to figure it out if you want to work shit out. You have to go through ups and downs, if at the ending of the day you want to wake up with them right next to you.

Be with someone who you don’t have to hide from, in any way. Whether it’s your morning face before you’ve put your makeup on. Whether it’s an embarrassing story that happened to you on your way to work…make sure you can tell them it all. Make sure you end up with someone who still loves you. A person who you can tell your whole life to, is a person worth spending the rest of your life with.

Camila groaned as the sunlight shone through the windows to her bedroom. She turned her head to the right and saw that Lauren was fast asleep. The peacefulness of her wife’s facial expression made her smile. She ran her index finger over the woman’s face, tracing her features. The action causing Lauren to unconsciously fan away whatever that was disturbing her.

Camila giggled and placed a chaste kiss on her wife’s forehead. She tossed the duvet off her body and headed to get ready for the day ahead of her. The only thing at the back of her mind was her assignment that her therapist wanted to her perform. She had an idea about what she wanted to do, but when it came to Lauren these days, she was unbelievably awkward.

Stepping out of the shower some thirty minutes after, she saw Lauren sitting up and busy on her laptop. It was a Saturday but she was always working. It had gotten worse since her trip to Milan. Of course she managed to balance her time between her family and work, but she never really had any time for herself.

“Good morning, mi amor,” Camila placed a kiss on her wife’s cheek. “What are you doing working already?”

Lauren smiled when she felt her wife’s lips against her cheek. “Good morning. I’m just trying to get some work done. Izzy wants us to take her to see the Incredibles 2 this evening. So I want to get everything out of the way.” Camila nodded in understanding. “Do you mind making breakfast?”

“Do you mind dying at only 26?”

The photographer snorted. “You’re not that horrible in the kitchen, babe. Your eggs are…” She paused. “Eggscellent.”

Camila rolled her eyes and laughed. “You did not just make a terrible egg pun.”

“Oh, but I just did.”

The young Argentinean took a seat on the bed and scrolled through her phone. A silence fell between the two. Camila decided to interact with her fans on Twitter for a bit, until she saw a text from her manager.

Roger: Do you think we can meet up today?

Camila: Pretty short notice but why?

Roger: We need you to do a photo shoot for the CC3 era. I already have everything lined up. We just need to run through some things and we can dive right into it.

Camila reread the text and paused. She loved doing these photo shoots. It was always fun and she had loved dressing up, but for the first time in forever, she just wasn’t feeling it.

That’s when it hit her.

Camila: Roge…I have an idea. I’ll call you in 20. I have to make some breakfast for Izzy.

***

“Camz..” Lauren stressed on her wife’s nickname. “Are you sure that you want me to do this?”

Camila nodded. She had a robe wrapped around her body, as she was sat being styled by her hairdresser. Roger was a distance off making phone calls as he left Lauren to set up for her pictures. “I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else. This album means a lot to me, Laur. And having you as my photographer would be even better.”

Lauren sighed. They were currently in a somewhat abandoned house. It wasn’t run down, but it looked as though people hadn’t been in it for years. Once Camila informed her wife about what she wanted to do, and given that Lauren had listened to the album, an idea immediately popped into her head.

The house was empty, dark, and abandoned; it was a representation of how Camila felt. About the way someone would feel after getting their heartbroken. The emptiness in their heart, the darkness overpowering the light or any sort of happiness that tries to make it’s way into it. The person feels abandoned by their loved one. By the person who promised them a forever but willingly hurt them and left them in the dark alone.

Once Camila was finished, Lauren had instructed her on what to do. “Are you ready?” The singer nodded. “Play, ‘I Have Questions’.” Lauren instructed one of her employees. It was to set the mood for the photo shoot. She had intended to play Camila’s songs in the background to allow her wife to feel the lyrics and to be able to portray her emotions, so that she would be able to capture them.

After almost two hours, they had captured close to one hundred photos. Every picture being perfect in Lauren’s eyes, but her wife being a perfectionist would’ve found a way to get a few that she would deem as 'perfect’.

“That was incredible,” Lauren stepped into her wife’s changing room. She wrapped her arms around Camila’s waist from behind, Camila’s hands instantly finding Lauren’s. She placed her chin on her shoulder and looked at Camila through the mirror. “I still don’t know why you chose me.”

Her wife rolled her eyes. “You’re the best photographer I know. I can’t wait to see the finished work.”

“I’ll work on them tonight or in the morning since you’re so excited. I’ll tell my other clients that I have a diva and she demanded her work before them.” Camila pulled out of her wife’s embrace and pouted.

“I’m not a diva!”

Lauren threw her head back in laughter. “I’m only messing with you, Camila. I want to make it perfect for you. So I’ll start soon.”

“Listen, Laur?”

“Yeah?”

Camila fixed her bomber jacket and took a seat on the table top. “I want to do something. I want to send a message to my fans about this album. Can you videotape me?”

Lauren nodded and took her wife’s iPhone from her. “Is this cool with your manager?”

She shrugged. “I guess.” Lauren shook her head with a smile on her face. “There’s so many people out there who are stuck. Who’s in a loveless relationship and just don’t want to let go in hopes that the person would change. I don’t know if this album can help people to realise what true love is supposed to be, but I want to be able to send a message to them.”

Lauren had opened her mouth and was about to respond but Camila cut her off. She gestured for her wife to come closer and took her hand in hers.

“I’m not referring to us anymore, amor. It’s just the album can speak to people, I know it can. It’s just that people are so scared to let go of something and to find better.” Lauren took a moment to absorb what her wife was telling her. “I love you. Now record me!”

Lauren chuckled. “I love you too. Ready?”

Camila nodded. Her wife hit 'live’ on her wife’s Instagram as she began to speak. “Hey, guys. It’s Camila here, with my beautiful wife, Lauren.” She took the phone from her wife and had turned it on her. Lauren almost screamed. She was usually the one behind the camera, never on it. So this was a bit too awkward for her liking. She did the 'sup’ moment with her head and took back Camila’s phone. “She’s shy.” Camila laughed. “I’m going to be a bit unorthodox here and announce my upcoming album entitled, 'The Hurting, The Healing, The Loving.’ A release date hasn’t been fixed just yet, but CC3 is coming guys!” She cheered childishly causing Lauren to laugh in the background. “This album is extremely close to my heart. I’ve poured so many emotions into this and I hope you guys would feel them, to whom it relates to and be able to appreciate it.”

Camila’s other two albums were also; what she deemed to be 'her babies’. She was always proud of what she put out. Every song she wrote, even though she may have never experienced it personally, she wrote it from her heart. She wanted to be able to connect with people who were going through some tough times, and for her music to give them strength so that they can know that they’re not alone.

“When I wrote this album, I was experiencing and inward battle that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about. I was neglecting my child and my wife. But I’m only human and we all make mistakes. What matters is that we learn from it, and we strive to be a better person,” Camila ran a hand through her hair and stared directly back at her wife. “I’m not saying that I’m perfect now, but I’m trying to be, for my family and myself.” Camila paused trying to collect her thoughts. She wasn’t about to be all in her feelings to her fans. Though she had been countless times. “This album is dear to my heart. The perspective has changed now from when I was writing it. It’s about heartbreak. It’s about feeling as though you’re not good enough. It’s about messing up. But it’s also about finding your way back to yourself and loving yourself again.”

The Hurting, The Healing, The Loving.

“The album is sectioned off into three parts. One; the hurting. Where I think if not all, some of us would be able to relate to. It’s sometimes not a romantic love, but you know…another type of love that can break our hearts. Where you’re just there, laying, staring straight up at the wall with all these questions swirling around your head, wondering whether you’re good enough.” Camila sighed. She knows that feeling all too well. It wasn’t just Lauren but her father as well. She questioned whether or not it was possible to love her.

“Section two; The Healing. The finding who you are again. The slowly but surely realising that it’s not entirely your fault. Because you can’t make somebody want you. No matter how hard you try. That’s when you realise that maybe the hurt wasn’t for nothing, but rather it was a lesson to teach you something.” Lauren was hanging off of every word that her wife was saying. She had listened to the album, and she may have understood the meaning of the lyrics, but it’s different when it’s coming out of the source’s mouth. “But you can’t just seem to let go of the hurt. Maybe it won’t matter in thirty years from now. Maybe you wouldn’t even remember the person’s name, but right now?” Camila shrugged. “Right now it matters and it fucking hurts. And I know you’re still trying to be okay with that. And you know what? That’s okay. You need to let it hurt, and hurt, and hurt, until it can’t hurt you anymore.”

Camila’s lips were trembling. She was trying so hard no to cry. Lauren looked at her, silently asking if she was okay, and she nodded. “I’m fine.” She said trying to convince herself. “And I know it’s not fucking easy. I know it hurts, and you’re sitting there overthinking, a million questions running through your head. Unable to sleep. Wondering where you went wrong. Creating hundreds of different scenarios in hopes that it’ll heal that wound in your heart. Going through a list of mental regrets. But the thing is, you can’t keep blaming yourself for someone else’s inability to provide the type of love you deserve. Today is just like any other day…difficult as hell. But you know what you’re gonna do?” She stared at the camera. Trying to urge her fans on. Trying to encourage them to not give up. “You’re going to do what you’ve always done. You’re gonna get over it. You’ll be fine. You’ll get through it and blossom into the best version of you that you can be.”

She inhaled deeply. “Lastly, The Loving.” Camila smiled softly. “I’m finally on that path now. I’m learning to love myself again. I’m rediscovering a whole new love for my life and everyone in it. Despite the challenges, it shouldn’t be able to stop you from loving. Love is the purest form of magic out there. And in the world that we live in? We need all the magic we can get.” Camila wiped at her eyes. “I just want you guys to know that you’re not weak. You’re brave. You’re strong for fighting to get back up. When you felt the world falling apart around you, you guys found strength in your struggle. You found the resilience to move forward. And even though you may still feel heartbroken and even though your heart may be broke at times, you know the best is yet to come.” She smiled proudly at the camera. “Not giving up is something to be damn proud of…and if no one has ever told you this before…I am damn proud of you guys. Every single one of you.”

Camila gestured for her wife to take a seat next to her. Lauren kinked an eyebrow but did as she was told, flipping camera to the front. “My beautiful wife again, kids.” She placed a kiss on Lauren’s cheek. “I want to admit something to you guys, and to you Laur.” Camila took a deep breath in. “I couldn’t have made it where I am without this lovely woman by my side. She’s my number one fan. She’s my lifeline. My sanity. She’s the one my mind automatically drifts to before I go on stage. I still get nervous, but when I think of her?” Camila took Lauren’s free hand in hers and intertwined their fingers. “She calms every nervous thought. You need to have someone in your corner who’s utterly obsessed with you. Someone who’s in love with you, the way you’re in love with them. You need someone on your team and I’m glad it’s her.”

Lauren turned her head towards her wife, staring into her eyes. She could’ve seen the sincerity laced in them, and she couldn’t help the way her heart was pounding against her chest. Completely ignoring the fact that they were live on Camila’s Instagram, she connected their lips in a sweet but passionate kiss.

The comments on Camila’s live were going crazy but they paid no mind to them. They pulled away from the kiss, Camila blushing profusely.

“Uh…wow. I was supposed to keep this PG,” the singer laughed. “But anyway, y'all got a Camren kiss. Woo!” She cheered causing her wife to roll her eyes with a smile on her face. “But there you have it guys, my big album announcement. The links to pre-save it will be posted later today on my Twitter. Thank you for coming to my TED talk,” Camila threw up a terrible idea of a gang sign. “Love you guys.”

“Andddd…cut,” Lauren locked Camila’s phone and handed it back to her wife. “That was…wow, Camz. Your fans are going to love this album, I can already feel it.”

Camila placed an arm around her wife’s waist and rested her head on her shoulder, “I hope so.”

They remained in that position for a few minutes until Lauren’s phone went off. It was a text from Maggie saying that Izzy had already fallen asleep. The aunt-niece duo ended up spending the afternoon together after Izzy and her parents went to watch 'The Incredibles 2’. Lauren of course had hated the movie because she found that part 1 was better. But let’s be honest, the entire movie should’ve just shown Jack Jack and Edna Mode. The other characters were irrelevant.

The child was staying the night by her aunt because of Camila’s photo shoot, which meant that the couple was going to have the house to themselves.

Would Camila take that opportunity?

Probably.

***

“Laur?” Camila called out to her wife from a room in the house.

“Yeah?”

The younger woman inhaled and exhaled loudly. Her nerves were starting to get the better of her.

“Can you come here for a sec?”

A few seconds later, Lauren opened the door to their own little spa in their house, to be greeted to a sight she was not expecting, anytime soon that is.

Lauren stared at the candles that lined their Jacuzzi, to the flower petals that were floating around in the tub, to the bottle of her favourite; Carbernet Sauvignon wine with two glasses placed on the wide. Then her eyes drifted to her wife, who had a robe wrapped around her body as she tried gauging Lauren’s expression. The fact that the woman’s jaw was practically on the floor must’ve meant that she was indeed surprised but in a good way.

“Camz..” Lauren managed to let out. “What’s all this?”

Camila smiled. “Can’t I do something nice for my wife?”

The way Lauren was reacting had given Camila a sudden boost in confidence and managed to quell the nervousness that she had been feeling. She switched on the stereo and a song which she featured on with one of her dear friends; Bazzi’s 'Beautiful’ played softly throughout the room. She sauntered up to her wife and tugged her along to a bench, pushing Lauren a bit roughly to sit, Camila straddled her lap; bringing her wife’s hands to stay comfortably on her ass.

“Camz…I…uh…what’s…wow,” Lauren was trying her best to form any sort of coherent sentence but nothing was coming out.

Camila slipped her hand’s into Lauren’s hair. They stared into one another’s eyes; not searching for any answers because the way Camila’s heart was pounding in excitement against her chest and the hunger that could’ve been seen in Lauren’s, they didn’t need a 'green light’. Unable to contain themselves anymore, Lauren cupped Camila’s cheeks in her hands and pulled her into a fiery and passionate kiss. Her hands work their way around Camila’s body, feeling each crevasse, each line along her perfect physique.

Since their first kiss since forever, when Doctor Briggs had asked Lauren to initiate a kiss, the couple had shared pecks here and there, but nothing as passionate as this.

They pulled apart and opened their eyes. They stared at each other, as though they were seeing deep into each other’s souls. Their chests heaving up and down; the lack of oxygen, didn’t stop Lauren from pulling Camila back into a kiss.

She kissed Camila and the world fell away. Nothing else mattered in that moment. Just the two of them. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. Her hand rested below Camila’s ears, her thumb caressing the brunette’s cheek as their breaths mingled. Camila ran her fingers down Lauren’s spine, pulling her closer until there was no space left between them.

Until they could feel the beating of each other’s heart against their chest.

Camila gently pushed Lauren away. “Anymore and I think you’ll swallow me.”

Her wife couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her throat. “Anymore and I think Izzy might end up getting that baby brother she wants.”

Camila blushed and rolled her eyes. “There won’t be any baby brothers anytime soon.”

“Oh really?” Lauren kinked an eyebrow. She took one of her wife’s hands in hers and mindlessly started to play with Camila’s fingers. “Have I ever told you that you have nice hands?”

“You did. That was actually one of the very first things you ever told me,” Camila recalled their teenage years. When they had first met, Lauren would blurt out random things without thinking because the young Argentinean used to make her nervous. She still does at times even though they had been together for a decade. “You were so cute back then.”

Lauren clutched her chest dramatically and feigned hurt. “Are you insinuating that I’m not cute now?”

Camila laughed and ran her index finger along her wife’s jaw. “You’ve gotten a lot cuter since then. But now you’re utterly obsessed with me.” She inched closer to her wife and started leaving a trail of kisses along her jaw. Lauren let out a low moan. She wasn’t sure how she was going to control herself if her wife had kept doing these things. Camila placed a lingering kiss on her wife’s lips and smiled sweetly as though she didn’t notice the kind of effect she was having on her wife.

She got off Lauren, and walked towards their Jacuzzi that the couple hadn’t used together since their marriage started falling apart. Lauren followed her wife’s every movement with her eyes, until she stopped at the staircase leading down to the tub. She shrugged off her robe, to reveal a white, sleek and sexy bath suit underneath. The gasp that left her wife’s mouth was enough for Camila to know that she liked what she saw. Lauren’s eyes trailed over every curve, every imperfection of her wife’s body.

Camila slipped into the water and made herself comfortable. After a few seconds of silence, she addressed her wife who was sat on the bench where she left her. “Are you going to get in, or are you going to sit and stare all night long?” She smirked.

“I…uhh…yeah. I just need to change,” Lauren rambled. Camila pointed towards a Nike shorts and sports bra she had laid out for her wife.

“You can change in here if you like,” the singer suggested, but the way her wife seemed flustered, Camila tried her best not to laugh.

Before Lauren could process what she was doing, her fingers began to work its way down the line of buttons; unfastening them one by one. Camila’s eyes became glued to every movement that her wife was doing. She tossed off her shirt; a tingling sensation ran through Camila’s body by the sight of her shirtless wife. There was nothing more bewitching than Lauren’s naked form. In clothing, heads would turn, and without? Camila was glad that she was the only woman to witness this sight.

The way Lauren’s abs; though not that prominent flexed with every breath she took, Camila couldn’t take her eyes off her wife.

Why would she want to?

Lauren pulled on the sports bra and unfastened her pants; slipping on her shorts just as fast. Camila seemed to have had a permanent blush on her face. The older woman slid in beside her wife.

“Hi,” the green eyed woman grinned.

“Hi,” Camila breathed out. Lauren had a hand placed on her thigh; her breath was caught in her throat. It took everything within her to not jump her bones. “Do you want any wine?”

Lauren nodded. “I’ll take the bottle.”

Camila laughed. “Ah right. It must a Jauregui thing.”

“It’s not a 'Jauregui’ thing, it’s more like an adult thing,” Lauren took the glass of wine from her wife. “The older we get, we soon realise that you need a glass of wine to get through the day.”

The singer took a sip of wine and sighed as the contents went down her throat. “For me I need a cup of coffee. Alcohol just isn’t my thing. It never was.”

The two fell into a silence; occasionally sipping on the wine. Camila had her head resting on Lauren’s shoulder as she played with one of her hands. Meanwhile, Lauren would place an occasional kiss on the top of her wife’s head.

This was perfect.

“What was your first impression of me?” Lauren mumbled. She had her lips pressed to Camila’s head.

“Huh? Oh, I um..” Camila blushed and looked down. “I had a crush on you before we actually spoke to be honest.”

Lauren pulled away and looked at her wife in confusion. “You didn’t know I existed before that one Spanish project.”

The Argentinean shook her head 'no’. “I knew your name, remember? I actually heard you playing the piano during lunch time when I passed outside the music room. You sounded so good! I was walking with Dinah and a couple of my other friends, and when I heard the song, I had to stop. That’s when I saw the genius behind the piece…” Camila trailed off. “You were so focused on playing the right key, the intensity in your eyes…I just found it so attractive. Dinah told me your name. She spoke so highly of you, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you.”

“Why? I was a nobody.”

Camila shook her head 'no’. She took the glass from her wife and placed them to the side of the Jacuzzi. “You were always a somebody to me, Laur.” The singer threw a leg over her wife and straddled her lap. When I first heard your voice; I couldn’t help the way my heart reacted to it. When I first saw you smile, I couldn’t help but smile too. When I first kissed you, I felt all my walls crumble, but when you first said you love me?“ She leaned in closer until her lips were ghosting Lauren’s. "That’s when I knew I was done for. That’s when I knew it’s you. It’s you who I wanted to be with forever.”

Lauren connected their lips in a sweet kiss. She pulled Camila closer to her, her hands lightly massaging her ass; the action elicited a moan to escape the brunette’s lips. “I love you, mi amor. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Laur. Gosh,” she rested her forehead against the photographer’s. “I’m so glad we’re finding our way back to each other.”

Lauren lightly caressed Camila’s face. “Me too, Camz. Me too. I promise, I’ll never give up on you. I want this. I want you. I want us. I want to be with you until I’m old and grey.”

The younger woman playfully grabbed a random patch of hair. “You’re already greying, babe. Are you saying that you don’t want to be with me anymore?”

“You’re such a kid,” Lauren shook her head with a smile on her face. “I’ll always want to be with you. I can’t be me without you. My soul is so attached to yours. I can’t see a life without you.”

“I see nothing but forever in your eyes, amor.”

You see, there comes a time in your life when you meet someone and all your ideas about the 'perfect lover’ disappears. You wanted deep blue eyes, clear just like the ocean, but now you’re looking into eyes as green as the forest; and you can’t help but get lost in them.

At first you wanted someone who plays sports, but now you’re utterly obsessed with someone who goes everywhere with a camera around their neck, who snaps random pictures of the things that they deem beautiful.

You wanted someone who could use beautiful words to stop you from crying, but instead you got someone who wraps their arms around you and holds you until you’re all cried out. They hold you with no intentions of letting you go. Ever.

You wanted someone to take you to museums and tell you that the Mona Lisa has nothing on you. But instead you’re in love with someone who doesn’t look at the stars in the sky, rather someone who stares into your eyes.

Then you meet someone who makes you laugh, and who makes your heart happy. And it’s all of a sudden, it’s as though you’ve wanted them since the beginning of time.

They make you happy.

That is all that matters.

Your happiness.

Find a lover who tries to do everything to make you happy.

Love isn’t always how how their eyes looked when you first met, or how their smile stuck in your head from the very first moment.

Love isn’t always from the first sight.

Sometimes, love is when they open up to you, when they pour their heart out to you, when they show you pieces of their soul, thoughts and show you their insides.

Love is when they let you in.

“My abuela always told me to marry someone I want to annoy for the rest of my life,” Lauren laughed at Camila’s random omission. “And I just so happen to choose you.”

“I must be rather lucky, huh?”

Camila placed a kiss on Lauren’s lips. “That you are, mi amor, that you are.”

Be with someone who wants to learn where each scar on your heart came from. And is willing to help you mend yours.

“It’s getting late, maybe we should dry off?” Camila suggested. She pulled Lauren up, and handed her a robe after wrapping one around her body.

“Dance with me,” Lauren wrapped her arms around her wife.

“Huh?”

“Dance with me,” Lauren repeated.

'The One’ by Kodaline started to play. Camila wrapped her arms around her wife’s neck and they began to sway slowly to the beat of the music.

“When we are together you make me feel like my mind is free and my dreams are reachable, Woah. You know I never ever believed in love, I believed one day you were gonna come along…” Lauren sang softly to her wife. Camila blushed and looked down.

“Free me,” Lauren sang and placed a kiss on Camila’s forehead.

“Cause you make my heart feel like it’s summer, When the rain is pouring down, You make my whole world feel so right when it’s wrong….” She pulled Camila closer to her chest.

“That’s why I know you’re the one…”

They stopped swaying, Camila looked up into Lauren’s eyes.

“I thank God for you everyday. Please don’t leave me. I know I’m hotheaded, I know I’m sensitive, I know I have trust issues, but baby, I’m so in love with you,” Camila admitted to her wife. She was so afraid that the woman would leave her. They were in this mess because she didn’t allow Lauren to come to her to admit what happened in the first place.

Lauren brought one of Camila’s hands to her lips. “I love you, Karla Camila Jauregui - Cabello.” She kissed her hand. “I know you’re the one for me. I am completely, utterly, foolishly, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you.”

*** Wattpad:Commander_Camren

#series #family #UPDATE #camren #romance fluff #g!p #humour #submission #Why Did I Get Married

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fakesam · 7 years

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Top 10 Albums of 2017

10. Sophia Kennedy - Sophia Kennedy

There are numerous moments on Sophia Kennedy’s debut album that will make you feel like you’re listening to someone narrate a new-age fairytale. Just look at some of these song titles: “Dizzy Izzy”, “William by the Windowsill”, and “A Bug on a Rug in a Building”. These could all easily be the titles of children’s books. But the fantastical nature of some of the songs only serves as a starting point for Kennedy’s emotive writing to shine through. Born in Baltimore, Kennedy moved to Berlin to study film before falling into a music career somewhere along the way. That disconnect from her roots seems to act as her main motivator on this record, as her lyrics veer from surreal aphorisms to direct and personal with ease. It also manifests in the production, which shifts between genres in a way that is pleasingly unpredictable. There’s even a sample of the Last American President Barack Obama thrown in for good measure. Kennedy may feel far from home, but she’s taken that restlessness and turned it into something beautiful.

9. Kamasi Washington - Harmony of Difference

I’ve spent most of my life living contentedly as a jazz hater. I blame it on the mind-numbing smooth jazz radio station my dad would listen to on long car rides. I’d shrugged with indifference whenever old heads would tell you to listen to “real music” or whatever synonym they’d use to scold young people for their listening habits. Youth makes you stupid that way, but it also gives you the opportunity to grow with time. I was comfortable living on “Jazz Is Bad” island until To Pimp A Butterfly forced me to reconsider my opinion on trumpets and whatnot. I’ve been slowly forcing myself to take more chances ever since, but the first jazz album that's really grabbed me was Harmony of Difference. The whole album is great, but “Truth” deserves special praise, an impressionistic song that communicates the pain and passion complicit with existence in a way that is beautifully melancholic. The song’s video makes me emotional in a way I can’t quite describe with words. Harmony of Difference has become my background noise whenever I read a book or need to focus on work. Listen to more jazz.

8. Arca - Arca

Born name Alejandro Ghersi, Arca has made a career out of mining and unveiling surreal electronic symphonies that seduce and unnerve in equal measure. His skills can help Kanye West soundtrack his frustration and depravity, and he can be Bjork’s co-pilot in her pursuit of nirvana. His capacity to morph sounds in his own unparalleled way has been there since the start, but his newest album does so with the rarest and most affecting instrument in his arsenal - his voice. Utilizing one-take recordings of his vocals, the self-titled album presents Ghersi’s glories and anguish front and center, adding another layer of personality onto his distinctive work. The crackle of ominous synths is still prevalent, the sense that some songs could collapse at any given moment. It is a testament to the musician’s skills that they don’t. The highlight of the album, “Saunter”, represents this tension in microcosm. A sea of atmospherics and prickling keys eventually give way to Ghersi’s booming vocal. Fully at ease in his own skin, Arca aligns creator and creation together in perfect symmetry for the first time.

7. Rostam - Half-Light

There’s a moment on every song on Half-Light, Rostam’s debut album, where the singer appears to be cracking up. It’s as if he can’t comprehend his own talent. After years of producing for some of the biggest names in pop music, the former Vampire Weekend member steps out on his own, presenting a collection of gloriously ephemeral pop music that shows why so many talented artists want to work with him. Much of the production is gorgeously weightless, like if cotton candy was converted into an audio format. Rostam’s voice is the only piece of the puzzle that stays in one place, which the singer uses to craft inspiring tales about love and his journey to self-acceptance. There are moments of voluminous joy, as well as instances of steely resolve that underpins the strength one must have to be an openly gay man in modern society. Half-Light feels like it'll slip through your hands at any moment, but Rostam masterfully keeps it together.

6. Mount Kimbie - Love What Survives

An album made by electronic musicians that sounds so tangible and organic that it sounds like a lost gem from a forgotten era. Equally indebted to fuzzy punk rock and intelligent dance music, Love What Survives jangles with the energy of a live band. The eclectic mix of sounds gives the album a particularly British sensibility, and that’s before we even get to the terrific list of guest appearances from James Blake, King Krule, and Micachu. Where most modern electronica settles for easy rhythms and vapid drops, Love What Survives eschews simplicity for grounded textures, and the result is more engrossing because of it.

5. Johnny Jewel - Windswept

Twin Peaks consumed my life for three wonderful, terrifying, perplexing months of the year. A tale of doppelgangers, horrific violence, and Marlon Brando impersonations that made man’s lack of control over nature abundantly clear was exactly the escape I needed from whatever looming disaster had its day in the daily news cycle. The sounds of David Lynch vehicles are just as important as the visuals, and Windswept, the soundtrack created by Italians Do It Better head Johnny Jewel, lived up to series’ musical lineage. Since the day after the finale, I don’t think I’ve listened to any other song as much I’ve listened to “Saturday”, both the finished version featuring Desire and the instrumental performed at the Roadhouse at the end Part 12. The track’s sweeping strings and pounding synths combine to make a track that is simultaneously romantic and unnerving, unknowable and intimate, a dream and a nightmare coexisting. It’s the spirit of the show in microcosm. The lack of any news regarding the new Chromatics album is one of the smaller disappointments of 2017, but Windswept is more than an adept substitute.

4. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

As well as being a meditation on blackness and the plights of the ghetto, To Pimp A Butterfly was also Kendrick Lamar’s appeal to become the entertainment voice of the current social justice movement. Fast-forward a few years, and he’s found the crown to be more stressful than he imagined. In many ways, DAMN. is a total repudiation of the preceding To Pimp A Butterfly. Where that album is meditative and sprawling, DAMN. is tight and bristling. Where that album reintroduced jazz to the mainstream lexicon, this album has rattling 808 drums. Where that album spawned a hit single out of tragic serendipity rather than planned orchestration, DAMN. has one of the biggest singles of the year. DAMN. is much less of a statement album, which is probably why I enjoy it more than To Pimp A Butterfly. It’s more of a time-stamped portrait of a certified genius struggling for faith in himself and in his country. There’s no better prescription of America’s endemic ills than “XXX”. That song also manages to make Bono listenable in 2017. If that’s not the mark of a master, I don’t know what is.

3. Brockhampton - Saturation I, II, III

In the shit-stained punch bowl that was 2017, the most consistent source of hope and joy came from a group of misfits in Los Angeles, California. Brockhampton’s origin story is so unlikely it sounds mythological: A group of teenagers meet on an internet forum and leave their homes to make music together. Moving into a house with a bunch of internet strangers sounds like a recipe for disaster, but it has worked out fantastically for this group of artists. The influence of Odd Future is obvious with the group (sorry, boyband). There is a shared disregard for genre stratification in favor of an amorphous brand of music that ranges from aggressive bangers to radio-ready pop earworms. What differentiates Brockhampton is their earnest dedication to emotional honesty. Where Tyler, The Creator initially obfuscated messages behind horrorcore lyrics, Kevin Abstract raps and sings about his homosexuality with a plainness still all too rare in hip-hop. The group’s collective ambition leads to some seamless chemistry that can sell tracks as silly as “Star”, as gooey as “Sunny”, as melancholic as “Bleach”. They’re also one of the few acts that seem to care about making unique music videos, utilizing a good mix of youthful flailing and craft. As great as their output is, it’s what their success represents that makes Brockhampton so powerful. In an era where empathy and collaboration are being discouraged by those in power, seeing a bunch of diverse kids striving for stardom despite the state of the world is inspiring. Their recently announced fourth album is literally named Team Effort. They are the twenty-first century ideal of a group of young people can accomplish when given the chance. This is the future millennials want.

2. Tyler, The Creator - Scum Fuck Flower Boy

There’s a point during “Where This Flower Blooms” where Tyler, The Creator walks us through some of the ways he takes care of himself: “Look, I smell like Chanel/ I never mall grip with my manicured nails/ I coconut oil the skin/ I keep the top low cause the follicles thinnin”. If there is a more succinct example of one man’s personal growth, I haven’t heard it.

Flower Boy is the album Tyler has been trying to make his entire career. The artist has never been this emotionally available on record, reckoning with his place in the artistic stratosphere, the responsibilities that come with that status, and revealing aspects of his sexuality for the first time. The album’s release date made Flower Boy a serendipitous companion to Jay-Z’s 4:44, with its desire to uplift the listener with some advice and a push in the right direction. But where Jay preached the gospel of black capitalism as a gateway to equality, Tyler is more interested in extolling less financially-based virtues. Take care of your health. Make time for your friends. Be the person you are in your dreams.

Everything is laid bare on Flower Boy. For all the cars purchased and creative whims fulfilled, Tyler still feels very alone, his financial stability no longer a panacea for his anxious thoughts.

But its his romantic desires that weigh heaviest on his mind. Love has always been a staple in Tyler’s music, but until now, the absence of affection and the “me against the world” mindset forged in response has received much more prominence. Flower Boy is sincere and moving in a way his previous work never felt comfortable enough to exude. The identity and gender of his crush is fascinating for how it re-contextualizes the homophobic slurs that stained his previous work, but where Tyler’s sexuality lands on the spectrum isn't important to loving the music. What is important is how “See You Again” and “Glitter” envelop you in their warm glowing warming glow and only let you go once their melodies are stuck in your head.

Tyler’s existential crisis never diminishes his musical talents. Rather, it serves as fuel for the best production of his career. The spirit of Los Angeles permeates every chord progression, sometimes rejoicing in the west coast’s everpresent sun (Enjoy Right Now, Today), sometimes suffocating under the oppressive brightness (911/Mr. Lonely). His rapping ability can stand with anyone in the non-Kendrick division, and while his singing voice isn't per se good, you feel his every word. The entire album speaks in the same register, but the songs never become repetitious or boring. The featured guests take the role of the rug in The Big Lebowski, accentuating the music surrounding them without ever stealing focus. (If Lil Wayne ever makes another album, Tyler needs to produce most, if not all, of it.)

Flower Boy showcases the importance in giving a person room to breathe and mature on their own terms. It’s gratifying to see the growth Tyler has made since the group’s peak, and the same could be said of the other solo stars from the former collective (Earl Sweatshirt, Frank Ocean, and Syd). But the change is most stark in Tyler, given his status as ringleader and his initial reticence to give any detractors credence. But age has a way of opening one’s ears to different ideas. Progress can only be made you’re prepared to look inside yourself and confront your sense of self. It’s uncomfortable and vaguely terrifying. But that road must be crossed at some point. To paraphrase a line from “Pothole”, you just have to keep pushing.

1. King Krule - The OOZ

It’s only fitting that the best album of 2017 is one that is so claustrophobically anxious. Archy Marshall has spent the last couple years recusing himself from potential stardom after his first King Krule album caught the ears of mainstream stars. Beyonce showed him love, luminaries such as Kanye and Frank Ocean wanted to work with him, a devoted fan base lauded him as generational voice. But Marshall has always worked on his own speed, with his own moods.

When he finally reemerged, it was not with an album ready to capitalize on mainstream acclaim. It's easy to draw a connection between King Krule’s music and the subconscious sprawl of David Lynch. The same way Lynch refused to adjust his vision for the sake of audiences, Marshall is similarly uncompromising with his music, doubling down on his jazzpunk fusions and valley-wide compositions. The OOZ works as an album title and a description of the songs collected under its banner. It’s a slow, moody exploration of a psyche that hasn’t quite lost his grip on sanity, but he can feel his hands getting sweaty. He portrays this warped reality with his signature raspy howls and distinctly laconic turn of phrase, and it’s impossible not to feel whatever emotion he’s exploring at the moment.

From the instant the sparse guitars and the muted shuffling begins on opening track “Biscuit Town”, it is clear you are entering another person’s world. The music only sinks into a deeper groove from there, as Marshall becomes ensconced in his depression amid the dissolution of his last relationship. Archy Marshall pulls off a magic trick with The OOZ: He manages to adroitly communicate the ways mental illness impedes any form of progress while evolving his style in truly incredible ways. There’s a cinematic quality to these songs, the way each word animates and pulses even when describing emotional stillness. “Dum Surfer” sounds like the 21st-century update of “Monster Mash”, with raucous nihilism replacing holiday kitsch. The way Marshall tweaks his voice in a less gravely, more sinewy direction on songs like “Slush Puppy” opens up new avenues for his music to explore. I’ve imagined music videos for several songs on the OOZ. From the darkness of solitude, Archy Marshall created a world that is astoundingly beautiful and achingly melancholic. In a year that demanded escapism, The OOZ delivers more than any other.

#albums of 2017 #writing

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