#AutonomousMachines

[raitrolling]

Present Day, Present Time

[Easy Reading Version on Toyhou.se]

-- alluringMisdirection [AM] began trolling autonomousMachinations [AM] --

AM: Oh shlt slnce when was lt your bday??

AM: All g tho, l got a place ln mlnd ;)

AM: Obvlously lt’s gonna be a secret, so don’t even bother asklng! Surprlse partles are the best partles, y’know. And lt’s gotta be good for the blg 1-0!

AM: So you better get hype- or, as hype as whatever’s posslble for you 8)

-- alluringMisdirection [AM] ceased trolling autonomousMachinations [AM] --

Callan stood in the homewares section of one of Block 136’s many low-end department stores, hands on his hips and tapping his foot in mild irritation. Predictably, he’d be caught off-guard by Gerrel’s mentioning of his wriggling day coming up. He didn’t forget, of course, he just- Wait, did Gerrel ever mention it before? They’ve known each other for a while and Callan had definitely made him put his wriggling day into his stupidly busy schedule, but he legitimately cannot recall if the redblood had brought up his own before. Huh. Well, whatever, Callan’s going to say that’s Gerrel’s problem to work out, because right now he’s got his own problem. What the hell kind of present does someone with no hobbies want? Most of the time when it comes to presents, Callan would simply grab whatever silly novelty he could find in the clearance sections - A hat with a funny saying on it, some desktop USB gadget, all those stocking stuffer toys made specifically for office 12th Perigees party gifts, the impulse buy bottle openers and fidget spinners at the registers, - it didn’t matter what the gift was, if it was a gift from him then clearly it was the most important! But this time it’s different. It’s not just a gift for someone’s 10th wriggling day, but the wriggling day of someone who it wouldn’t be inaccurate to call Callan’s best friend (who would’ve thought? Of all people!). A real pro at gift-giving too, the photo book he gave last Quadrants’ Day had touched Callan’s heart far greater than any novelty chocolate or humorous greeting card ever could. So now he’s obligated to be thoughtful. Ugh, thinking.

He acknowledges that the logical gift would be something practical, Gerrel does seem to like things that are useful and would make him more productive. With how much he goes on about ‘healthy eating’ and ‘cooking your own meals’, he’d probably be over the moon if he unwrapped one of those air fryer things people keep talking about. But as Callan stared the boxes of kitchen appliances down, he couldn’t help but think one thing...

An air fryer is fucking boring.

Yes, sure, it’s the perfect gift for someone like him. He’d appreciate it! He’d appreciate it a lot more than the corner store chocolates he received from the greenblood for Quadrants’ Day, or the reindeer antler hat from 12th Perigees. He’d probably get a lot of use out of it too, if what the recipe books conveniently placed next to the display says is true. You can cook chicken, vegetables, brownies and muffins, fish and chips, mozzarella sticks… But, it may be a gift from Callan, but it’s not a gift from Callan. There’s no pizzaz, no style, nothing that screams “This is a gift from the one and only Callan Ranpoe, the best troll you’ve ever known! Accept no substitutes!''. It’s a gift someone would buy for a hivewarming party, or something his rich boss would slip in with the weekly wages just to remind everyone of how much money he has. Not a gift from someone known for their sense of humour and great taste in, well, everything.

Callan’s train of thought is interrupted by an employee asking if he needs a hand. Some tired-looking brownblood who knows that if they don’t ask every customer who has spent more than thirty seconds standing on one spot this question their boss will have them thrown out on the streets. He dismisses the employee with a wave of his hand, who only responds by parroting that the tea towels and oven mitts have a two-for-one deal tonight only.

Two-for-one… That’s it! Cheap and more fun than some boring appliance!

Not wanting to make it seem like he was inspired by the employee’s suggestion, Callan continues to mull about the appliances section pretending to be interested in the breadmakers and slow cookers before stealthily slipping over to the kitchen accessories section. Sure enough, the tea towels and oven mitts are already looking more to the greenblood’s liking. There’s the towels with funny cooking-related puns (Haha, “Let’s give them something to taco ‘bout”! It’s funny because it’s got tacos on it!), towels covered in cute animal prints (and a very un-cute one covered in horses. Sorry Gerrel, but you truly have the worst lusus), and towels covered in sayings one would find on a Facebook Minions group (which unfortunately, would probably appeal to the redblood’s sense of humour more than anything else…). There’s oven mitts shaped like crab claws and dinosaur heads, some pop culture-themed mitts with references that’d definitely fly over his head, and one that just says the word ‘butter’ repeated on every inch of the fabric. Callan starts picking a couple off the rack, already congratulating himself on his head about how genius this gift is.

But… As he stares down at the dinosaur oven mitt and the tea towels with food puns, the gift still didn’t feel right. There should probably be something… More? To this? If the last present idea was thoughtful but lacks ‘Callan vibes’, then this idea is more Him but less thoughtful or really, wanted. Who wants tea towels for their wriggling day? That’s like giving someone socks and underwear. Callan sighs, dumping the chosen items onto the shelf below instead of hanging them back onto the rack. Putting in the effort for a perfect gift sucks.

Why is this so important? Why does a gift need to be thoughtful, personal, and most importantly, something that would make him think of Callan every time? Maybe it’s to make every moment as memorable as possible to combat the reality that all of Callan’s relationships are fleeting at best. Gerrel seems to be able to recognise him through his psiionics, most likely because altering one’s voice, speech patterns, and quirks in their posture and body language are difficult without specific training that Callan doesn’t have. But a friendship cannot be perpetuated on vaguely familiar quirks alone. What if one night Callan decides he wants to cut his hair? Change the way he dresses- hell, just happens to wear a waistcoat with his symbol printed on the opposite side? Doesn’t tie the bow around his neck correctly? Gerrel would fail to recognise him, and they’d be back at square one. And that’s not to mention the major elephant in the room being Callan’s stints as the prolific Phantom Thief. That wouldn’t be something he could just shrug off and accept, especially when his boss has been one of the thief’s major targets. He doesn’t come across as someone who would be angry to find out about this secret, but… He’s very honest and loyal. It would make sense for him to dob Callan into his boss, someone who values working as much as he does would definitely put his own job over anything else.

But then again… He’s selfless, in that way that makes Callan almost feel bad at letting him take over all the chores in his hive when he probably could do them himself if he could be bothered. Almost. Thank god he doesn’t have to wash dishes any more, and the food Gerrel cooks is way better than anything he could ever make even if he put his mind to it. So maybe he wouldn’t do that. Of course he wouldn’t do that! Even if it doesn’t last, he’s Callan’s friend now. And maybe they might continue to be friends, and- If the greenblood’s ego allows it- Gerrel could learn the truth of his psiionics, and try to work with it. Just as he works with every other eccentricity that makes up Callan’s personality.

… Nothing in this long moment of introspection has given him any more ideas for the perfect 10th wriggling day gift. Goddammit. 

The brownblood continues floating around the aisles, keeping an eye on Callan in the way one would monitor a known shoplifter or rowdy group of teenagers. Now’s probably the best chance to get that advice they’re paid to give out.

“Hey,” Callan addresses the employee with a nod, “Got any ideas for a 10th wriggling day gift? I need one for a guy who’s into like, cooking and shit. Practical, but fun, y’know?”

The brownblood silently casts their eyes over to the appliances, and settles on the most expensive item they can spot.

“Air fryer.”

Of course.

Once again, we’re back to square one. This is going to take more than an hour’s worth of thinking, which is well more than Callan has ever done in his life. But, that’s fine. He’s got time, and it’s for someone worth spending time on. And there’s still the entirety of the department store to meander about like what everyone else does at this time of night. Maybe he could look into finding some outfits so Gerrel can be at least half as stylish as him, maybe some instructional books on building projects that would normally bore Callan to death because they lack funny pictures, maybe some crafts to make something (he can paint a mean self-portrait, so a portrait of someone else wouldn’t be that much more difficult)...

Now, if only Gerrel didn’t steal his other non-kitchen appliance idea of putting together a photo book already, that could’ve been perfect. Who wouldn’t want their own collection of Official Callan selfies?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It took another couple hours and some trips to a few nearby shops, but finally the search for the perfect present was over. Callan stood at the kitchen table, putting together the finishing touches on the now-wrapped gift’s presentation. The homewares idea was thrown out the window in favour of something just as practical, but in a way that feels more personal. A blazer sits folded on the table (Callan made sure to not unfold it after the cashier slipped it into the shopping bag, there’s no way he’d ever be able to get it right), in a similar style to the one usually worn by Gerrel albeit with gold buttons and a green trim on the collar and cuffs. A voucher to get his symbol printed on the jacket has also been slipped into the breast pocket. It felt right to give something with his hue, it’s a common sign of friendship between a higherblood and a lowblood. He may not have a particularly intimidating shade of blue or purple, but it’s still an indication of protecting a friend. And, it’s something picked out by Callan himself so clearly it’s peak fashion.

There was an attempt at tying up the gift in a bow - one of the spare green neckties identical to the one he wore, to be precise - but there was certainly little effort into making it look perfect. The bow was uneven and sat nowhere close to the centre, and Callan couldn’t figure out how to do that fancy criss-cross tie most presents are wrapped in. Not that the presentation mattered to him, and he’s sure that’s the level of effort Gerrel would expect from him. He probably doesn’t expect much from the greenblood, honestly, so perhaps this modicum of effort will make this gift even more special. 

[trolloled]

==> Gerrel: Wheedle for sponsorship.

[08:51] -- autonomousMachinations [AM] began trolling mixologistMaverick [MM] at 20:51 --

[08:51] AM: G**d even!ng m!ster Nersc*.

[08:51] MM: Ah, right. Yau. Yau need anather delivery ar $amething? [08:52] AM: N*, n*, ! just have a...part!cular pr*p*sal t* g!ve y*u. [08:52] AM: The k!nd that pr*v!des a chance t* !ncrease y*ur pr*f!t marg!ns. [08:52] MM: ...Alright, yau knaw my weak $pat. Ga an. [08:52] AM: ! have an ass*c!ate wh* w!shes t* be...well, fam*us. H*wever, he needs the pr*per event t* get h!s face *ut there. [08:53] AM: ! tr!ed t* suggest s*meth!ng small t* start, but he's very c*nf!dent !n h!mself and !ns!sted *n a much larger fest!val. [08:53] MM: Get ta the part where I give a damn. [08:53] AM: R!ght, my ap*l*g!es. As ! was say!ng, the event he wants !s large. T** large f*r h!m t* pr*duce *n h!s *wn, and !'m a redbl**d s* ! cann*t ass!st h!m. [08:53] AM: H*wever, y*u c*mmand larger than average funds due t* y*ur adm!rable bus!ness ventures. [08:53] AM: ! was g*!ng t* suggest that, perhaps, y*u'd be !nterested !n sp*ns*r!ng the event...? [08:54] MM: Are yau drunker than I u$ually am? [08:54] MM: I ain't gat any intere$t in dumping maney an $ame idiat I dan't knaw! And haw wauld that even get me any maney anyhaw? [08:55] AM: ! understand y*ur m!sg!v!ngs. Th!nk *f !t as a chance t* !ncrease brand rec*gn!t!*n *f y*ur l!ne. Brand!ng !s a p*werful t**l, espec!ally dur!ng a h*t sp*rt!ng event where many spectat*rs w!ll be qu!te th!rsty. [08:55] AM: !f y*u catch my !ntended d!rect!*n. [08:56] MM: Yau mean hawk my baaze ta $ucker$ wha are tired aut ju$t watching $ame ather idiat break hi$ arm during...what, exactly? [08:56] AM: Well, he called !t s!m!lar t*...Altern!an N!nja Warr!*r? [08:56] AM: Apparently there !s an *bstacle c*urse. [08:57] MM: Yeah, I knaw what that i$. Buncha maran$ running araund breaking all their bane$ and dying by the dazen$ $a peaple will call them caal. [08:57] MM: I dan't remember hearin af anyane gettin $pan$ared in that thaugh. [08:57] AM: Well, yes, because the sh*w just surv!ves *n advert!sements and t!ckets ! assume. [08:57] AM: But *ur event w!ll be an amateur take *n !t, s* !nd!v!duals w!ll need sp*ns*rs t* help c*ver the c*st. [08:58] MM: And what, exactly, will I be praviding? [08:58] AM: M*ney f*r c*urse c*nstruct!*n, pr*bably h!r!ng a small team *f hand-p!cked tr*lls t* put th!s t*gether. Pr!nt!ng c*sts f*r the t!ckets as well, but that w!ll eas!ly be re!mbursed thr*ugh sales. *h yes, and flyers t* advert!se. [08:59] MM: And haw much will all thi$ $hit ca$t? [08:59] AM: ...! can fax y*u my budget est!mate. [08:59] MM: What the fuck i$ a fax? [08:59] AM: !t's a system f*r send!ng d*cuments t* an*ther pers*n. [08:59] MM: Ju$t email it yau idiat. [09:00] AM: Very well, ! just f!gured y*u'd prefer my s!gnature *f authent!c!ty s* y*u kn*w ! am n*t, as the new tr*lls say, 'pull!ng y*ur leg.' [09:00] MM: Whatever. [09:01] MM: Alright, thi$ i$ $tupid. What the hell i$ thi$, fag machine$, $tage lighting? [09:01] MM: It'$ an ab$tacle caur$e nat a primma danna $tage play! [09:01] AM: !t's what M!ster Ranp*e requested. [09:01] MM: "Mi$ter Ranpae" can ki$$ the fatte$t part af my a$$. [09:01] MM: Na, I'll $end YAU my awn budget af $hit I'll actually pay far, and YAU $tretch it aut ta make $en$e. [09:02] MM: I'm nat blawin a fat wad an $ame guy wha $wear$ he wan't break hi$ leg twa $ecand$ in. [09:02] MM: Will there at lea$t be ather campetitar$ ta eat time up? [09:02] AM: Yes, *f c*urse. !'ll be select!ng pe*ple wh* may seem c*mpetent but w!ll ult!mately fa!l. [09:02] AM: That way the cr*wd w!ll get the!r bl**dlust up and be th!rst!er. [09:03] MM: Gaad idea, I might actually turn a prafit naw. [09:03] AM: As y*u say, M!ster Nersc*. Sh*uld ! c*nst!tute th!s as an agreement, then? [09:03] MM: Canditianal. Yau $et up the cheape$t deal$ yau can get and I'll $ee abaut getting $ame maney aver ta yau. [09:03] MM: And redblaad? Thi$ better pay aff. [09:04] AM: ! understand. Thank y*u, M!ster Nersc*. [09:04] -- autonomousMachinations [AM] gave up trolling mixologistMaverick [MM] at 21:04 --