#BOTH misunderstand attachment in different directions

[coldgoldlazarus]

Rewatching ATLA and got to Crossroads Of Destiny, and I noticed another interesting parallel/contrast between Aang and Zaheer. Both struggled with the problem of attachment to a loved one, holding them back from reaching full spiritual balance and potential. Aang was prevented from attaining the Avatar state at all until he completed the unlocking of his Chakras, and Zaheer was unable to master the extremely difficult airbending technique of unaided flight.

But the key difference is that when it came down to the bare wire, Aang realized that the world needed to come before Katara, and that he could love and try to help her, while accepting that to some degree her fate was ultimately out of his hands. By releasing that intense attachment, he was finally able to unlock his last chakra and reach the Avatar state. (And then Azula happened, of course, but that doesn't undermine that moment.)

Meanwhile, I think Zaheer somewhat failed in that by comparison. He could not let go of his attachment to P'li until after she literally died. Only then was he able to embrace the void and attain true flight, because that attachment was severed, rather than a conscious decision on his part. It's a subtle but interesting way of showing how close he was to understanding the Air Nomads' philosophy, and yet still so far from it in a few key ways. And that of course led to his flawed overall outlook on the world, and the well-intentioned but ultimately still monstrous path he and his followers took.

[princessjojo-x]

Venus Synastry

ignore the crossed out parts, that’s only for me & my chart

💝 venus conjunct venus - partners express love in the same way as one another. however, sometimes it’s too much of the same energy causing partners to clash over their more challenging venus traits. this aspect works best if the venus signs aren’t in detriment or malefic.

💝 venus conjunct mars - this aspect indicates partners progressing at a high speed. they may become sexual with each other quickly due to the guaranteed sexual attraction. however, partners may get under each others skin & mars especially isn’t afraid to bite back. usually mars takes on the masculine role & makes the first move on venus. whereas venus takes on the more feminine, passive & seductive role.

💝 venus conjunct sun - this interaction played out differently to what i expected. firstly, the connection didn’t feel that sexual or romantic. consequently, the chemistry wasn’t strong enough to warrant any sort of longing for him. this may may be an outcome of the traditional gender roles being reversed, with the man’s femininity amplified through his venus & the woman’s masculinity amplified through her sun. secondly, i felt it was a very “all or nothing” rxship; it felt too demanding & i felt suffocated at times. however, these rxship always take on the qualities of the sign the conjunction is in. in my case, it was in aries, which would explain why i felt that way. regardless, within this rxship venus is responsible for the harmony & functionality. venus seeks attention & validation from sun.

💝 venus trine saturn - found in many long term rxships (libra/aquarius venus or capricorn/virgo saturn)

💝 venus conjunct juno - juno views venus as perfection personified (leo venus or taurus juno)

💝 venus conjunct pluto - both partners feel intense emotions for eachother even when they're not together. pluto sometimes wants to control venus into only looking & thinking abt them. (sag venus)

💝 venus opposite venus - . oppositions in astrology often represent polarity, two energies in tension, pulling in opposite directions. partners have different love styles, needs, values, desires & rxship expectations. this difference can lead to conflict & misunderstandings. but this difference can also create a sense of intrigue & fascination for one another. partners are drawn to each other’s differences & find they complement each other well. the difference pushes both partners out of their comfort zones. expect powerful physical attraction, undeniable passion & possibly mind games! partners give very subtle hints & vibes to each other but there’s always one partner who is more oblivious than the other.

💝 venus square venus - unresolved trauma from both parties taint the rxship. partners may have different love languages & polarising tastes, for example, music, lifestyles, slightly trivial things. despite the negative connotation attached to this aspect, it is very common aspect within couples. (aqua/leo venus)

💝 venus opposite rising - usually venus thinks rising is extremely physically attractive whilst rising only has a mild attraction to venus. but once they get to know each other rising starts to feel deeply attracted to venus. this is a rxship that gets better with time. (cap venus or scorpio rising)

💝 venus opposite pluto - instability (gemini venus/ scorpio pluto)

💝 venus square mars - harsh aspects (square/opposite) between venus & mars is a sign of a rxship possibly turning very toxic if the parties involved do not have the maturity & emotional intelligence needed to work through their differences. this aspect specifically can be an challenging & awkward bc there’s tension that neither partners are comfortable with. mars can come off a little too strong & this makes venus feel repulsed. usually one is active/ aggressive whisky the other is passive/stable. partners need a lot of time to understand one another. (leo/aquarius/scorpio venus or mars)

💝 venus square pluto - creates a lot of sexual tension between the two. pluto becomes very possessive & jealous over venus, even if they’re not together, pluto will act like venus is theirs. however, pluto tends to be very lowkey abt their feelings it’s rare anyone will notice. (aqua/leo pluto or virgo/pisc venus)

💝 venus square eros - lack of common ground (leo/aqua eros or scorpio/taurus venus)

💝 venus square saturn - painful aspect. saturn feels like they’re babysitting venus. venus feels misunderstood & isn’t able to express themselves. saturn restricts venus from being able to express any kind of loving venus like nature. a very binding aspects regardless of how much partners love or hate one another. however, venus is going to feel frozen & very misunderstood. venus is restricted from expressing lighthearted affection & is giving negative undertones from saturn. also, this aspect indicates a slow burn rxship & taking a long time to finally get together. (leo/aquarius saturn of virgo/pisces venus)

💝 venus square rising - partners have different social preferences, love languages or lifestyles which causes tension or discomfort. rising is not just how you look but how you act too. venus dislikes how rising acts & carries themselves. rising is probably not venus’s usual type & venus may have not noticed rising straight away. rising may feel unloved & unwanted by venus. rising may feel they’re not attractive enough for venus or that venus is too good for them. also, partners sweep problems under the carpet to maintain harmony but overtime this turns into hate & resentment. on the bright side, they are usually viewed as an attractive duo or the “it couple”. (leo/aquarius asc or libra/aries venus)

💝 venus square neptune - doubts from venus preventing trust (leo/aquarius neptune or taurus/scorpio venus)

💝 venus square uranus - this connection usually ends abruptly. one partner, usually uranus will ghost/leave when venus least expects it. (taurus/scorpio venus or leo/aqua uranus)

[olderthannetfic]

Okay, I need advice: I'm in a very tiny fandom (like less than two dozen active people and everyone knows each other) and one of the women in it is kind of freaking me out.

We became mutuals because we had some good discussions on some of the characters we liked, but I soon became sort of uncomfortable with a lot of her online behavior whereas simultaneously she's DM-ing me more and more.

She's one of those people who's a hardliner on the issues she cares about (mostly feminism- and SA-related) while talking over people when it comes to issues she doesn't care about (mostly racism and related things). And I see a lot of her trying to intrusively police how other people talk/act, derailing people's posts, arguing with people online over the most stupid shit (where not even her own opinions come off as overly coherent - this week she'll argue something along the lines of "men are evil" and the next she'll argue that people are "demonizing masculinity" - I'll add for clarification that she's not a TERF and supports trans rights but boy... Does she sound like one sometimes) and then digging through people's profiles to find and publicize minor transgressions and bad takes, passive-aggressive vagueposting, and going into mental breakdowns over the most innocuous of online interactions.

TBH she scares me. As someone who suffered through toxic people getting overly attached to me, I genuinely sometimes get a physical reaction when I see her lashing out on the dash.

And she keeps initiating conversations! And sometimes I don't reply or bring the conversation to a natural closure and she keeps at it, or sends me random fics of hers to read that I don't have the heart to tell her don't interest me or whatever. And recently when she disagrees with something I reblogged she direct messages me to rant about it - with a lot of sort of indirect language because she doesn't want to offend me but I can see the intent. The last couple of times I replied politely because I cared about clearing misunderstandings on the topic but next time I'm just gonna tell her I dislike it when she does that.

I really want this person to stop interacting with me, to be honest, and all my polite hints to the effect go unnoticed. But the fandom is so small I feel awkward and uncomfortable about unfollowing or blocking her. I don't think she's too bad of a person, she just comes off as very... Mentally ill, I guess? And since I've tried to be polite so far I feel like it might come out of left field for her?

TBH I feel like something about her behavior also triggers some kind of freeze/fawn reaction inside of me that I don't often get and consequently don't know how to deal with.

So I need impartial advice because I don't see the situation clearly myself

--

To summarize, a person who is a walking red flag wants to be friends, and you can't easily ghost her because the fandom is small.

I think you have to accept that there is no low-conflict way out of this.

That's what's holding you back, right? You don't want more drama and you know it's coming. I think you already know in your heart of hearts that you need to get away from her even if it's a pain in the ass.

Step one is to stop responding to her DMs. That will probably make her reach out more, but you should keep not responding. If she escalates and attacks you over it, block her.

The more you offer reasons or try to gently hint, the more that will encourage her. I don't think that's true of everyone, but I do think it's the case here. This is both because it doesn't sound like she's good at perceiving or respecting boundaries and because she inspires a bad lack of ability to assert boundaries in you.

I agree that it's unfortunate that you can't stand up for yourself or tell her plainly when she's out of line, but since you can't and that probably won't change any time soon, you'll need to protect yourself a different way. Sometimes, we just have to avoid people who are bad for us even when it's an us problem. (And here, whoaaaa red flags, so I don't think it's just a you problem anyway.)

There are many sad, lonely, needy people in the world. Some of them are officially mentally ill in some way with a diagnosis. Some just need things they aren't currently getting. That sucks...

But it's also not your job to fix.

[angirasstuff]

Emotional departure.

Near Tankapani Road, Bhubaneswar.

All day, I had been overwhelmed by the thought of leaving this place. I had fallen deeply in love with it. I came with the intention of embracing it, and I did. The anonymity of living in a place away from home, with its familiar people and the bland, repetitive everyday activities, contrasted with the excitement and new experiences the new place could bring. It was something I couldn't resist. There was an irrefutable pain in my chest that I couldn't shake off. The more I thought about it, the more I felt attached to the place, the house, its belongings, its surroundings, every passing moment in time, and even its people (I'm not a social person though).

It was about time to get ready when Dad barged into our room, unexpectedly fitful. He was yelling—no, telling us to get ready, as he had expected us to be by the time he arrived. For your information, the train would arrive in roughly an hour. How often do we see a calm person get angry? I was unprepared. It caused quite a commotion. I had never seen my parents fight, so this caught me off guard. To me, a family was never a comfort place, as I was raised by a single (abusive) parent, my mother. I had, therefore, developed a deep idea of relationships and held it very dearly. Miscommunication is the biggest fear in any relationship, as it is the root of misunderstandings, which lead to the breakdown of a healthy relationship. So this was quite a shock for me. My mom, unable to handle the frustration, passed it down to me through scoldings and emotional abuse. It wasn't Dad's fault either; it had been a stressful day at work, a person died at work site. Imagine how it might feel having to balance work, life, and family all at the same time. It was quite about time to leave, so we came down in no time, ready to depart as the car was waiting downstairs.

You know how people say, "it is both a curse and a blessing to feel everything profoundly"? I guess it is a part of growing up. I am feeling such a wide range of emotions, putting myself into so many people's shoes, understanding so many different perspectives, and experiencing so much more than I even realize. Why is this happening to me? Jharu, our cook, bid us goodbye. I could feel the pain in his eyes as he saw us leave.

I got into the car, crying and smiling at the silliest things. I couldn't bear the thought of stepping foot in this house for the last time, seeing the place for the last time (immediately spotting the celebration sphere at the opposite of the alley), riding this car for the last time, and passing through this alley for one last time.

“I'll miss you, my Scorpio.”

While I was busy wiping away my tears, I saw a groom on his way to his wedding with a band and a number of guests passing through the same road as us. Today is a memorable day in his life. At the same time, I saw an ambulance rushing from the opposite direction. Someone is enjoying the best day of his life, while someone is witnessing the last day of his life. I realized that life is not the same for everyone.

It was time for us to cross the overbridge to get to platform number 3. While we carried the small luggage, our driver carried the largest of them all—the big, heavy suitcase. He squinted his eyes as he lifted the suitcase, and I could feel the difficulty through his facial expressions. He carried it with one hand and walked down the steps until he gasped for breath. I was glad I didn't have to do it. Life is different for everyone. It was very hard on him. Although he'd get paid for every little thing he helped us with, who would involve themselves in such hard labor for some money? The term "social position" explains it all (according to society, not me). I felt pity just by looking at him.

While we were walking, I saw a bookstore on the platform, and joy spread through my eyes. Nothing can make a vivid reader/observer/writer happier than books. I wished someone could see me and understand what I was feeling at that moment, but Dad didn't stop at the bookstore. I realized that Dad doesn't know me well enough to know that I love books. He never had the chance to spend enough time with me in his life, as he had always lived away.

As I'm writing this journal, sitting on the platform waiting for my train to arrive, I see hundreds of things happening to hundreds of people that I could note down. But guess what? I don't have a hundred hands to capture those different moments simultaneously while they're still in action.

My dad tried to make up for what happened by talking to me, but I'm hard to please.

As the train was about to arrive, my dad was confused about whether our compartment would come to the left or right of the platform. We ran left—maybe not this side—so we ran right, with our driver carrying our large, heavy suitcase. Then again, left. The train arrived, and we were trying to match its pace, running with our luggage to B3, which was far to the left. We kept speeding up, and my mom exclaimed in frustration, "How much more do we have to walk?"

My dad replied, "Just a little more."

I laughed.

Here we have my mom, who gets frustrated at the smallest things, and my overly patient dad, who's about to lose his patience due to this woman. What a sweet pair.

*A pinch of sarcasm*

We got into the train, and my dad and the driver went off after lifting up all the luggage, as the train could leave any second. The train started to move, and I could feel all those emotions again. Tears came to my eyes, and I struggled to wipe them away while I watched my dad growing distant (the train was moving away from the platform) until I could see him no more.

[fox-buried-in-maple-leaves]

-BREAKS DOWN UR DOOR- SO ASK GAME HUH? 1, 5-12, 20-25, 32, 35, 43-46 for Kisa? ok you don't have to do all of them, but I'm thinking about HIM again and he's gently being wrapped in warm blankets and rolled away into my lair.

Ask Game

What’s the lie your character says most often?

"Don't worry!" You should always worry if Kisa says don't worry.

Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

He can lol. He thinks about the pain of when his arm disintegrated and the tears just well up in his eyes.

What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before?

His favourite fabric shop. That's HIS fabric shop, grrrr.

What would you (mun) yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell?

Me? Probably just his name. Galin would start yelling in some of the WORST Natlanen? Natlanien? Kisa's native tongue. Lucille strikes me as a petname caller for sure.

How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

It started very loose, yk, for the job. But he says it less loosely after dating Luci.

Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?

Gentle love. But lots of banter! And he likes getting the same.

What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

any and every fact about his girlfriend ever lol

If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

Ask him to make something with leather or a jasmine stitch for crochet. Both are Not Easy and someone pretending to be him would most likely not be skilled enough.

What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

The look of disgust on Decord's face every single time Galin eats hot peppers from the jar.

Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person?

Kisa has too many fashion opinions for this question. That's the entire industry let's be real here.

What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it?

Keeping your elbows off the table when eating. It's stupid, and uncomfortable. Screw you.

What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character?

Twist cherry stems with a tongue. So much coordination..

What do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t / don’t even remember?

Uhmmmm, what happened to Lela. Who again I don't think I've spoken about on this blog? Anyways it haunts him. Even though it wasn't his fault.

Did they take a cookie from the cookie jar? What kind of cookie was it?

Yes, he did. And it was a chocolate chip cookie.

What subject / topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot?

His entire job bro, the WHOLE thing??? KISA WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE PLOT! Nobody was supposed to get attached to Razvedka. 90% of the related content of them isn't important to the direct plot I was writing.

If they committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?

Murder and corporate espionage aside, shoplifting lol

What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?

Well Kisa originally only joined the Fatui for some extra cash so uhm. Oops. It was small at the time.

What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

He reads tone and body language wrong sometimes. He'll think someone is being cocky when they're just really into a conversation. He thinks someone is about to hit him when they lift their hand excitedly. Small stuff like that? He hides it mostly, doesn't react. But his mind RACES for a split second.

What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why?

Its hard cause I imagine the languages of Teyvat can sometimes translate, but not fully. We decided he speaks the Teyvat version of Spanish, and according to linguists if you can speak Spanish.. The easiest language to learn is Portuguese! So the teyvat version of that?

What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately?

LOL okay so LIKE CIRINO, if this was a modern OUR WORLD, he'd fucking hate a lot of modern luxury brands. But since we're not in our world. He just really hates dark yellow?? PASSIONATELY despises it. won't use it.

Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

Listener! I think most of Razvedka are? Just given the nature of their jobs. He, much like the others, is really good at 'prompting'. He can swing a conversation in the direction he wants with just a couple of words and then just listens.

[frostfall-matches]

[ matchmaking... ]

@cynolover : [ match report ready ]​

your match is…

✦ Sebek Zigvolt

This is a case where you and Sebek have some similarities, so there is mutual understanding in some aspects… but there are also some glaring differences, and that makes a relationship interesting! And sometimes difficult. You say that you don’t believe you tend to get along with people who are rigid, uptight, and/or emotionally volatile… And, well, Sebek ticks off all those boxes most times, but there’s a mature and endearing side to him when he lets his guard down that might work well with you. Perhaps it might not be the easiest relationship, but there are things that you each could get out of it.

Interacting with Sebek is tedious, especially when you first meet him. He doesn’t know who you are, and probably does not care to get to know you; he’s guarded and has more important things to do! However, he also admires people who are driven and capable. You would likely pique his interest with your intelligence, some sort of skill you’ve picked up over the years, or maybe even easily completing a task in class that most people tend to struggle with. You pick things up easily, and that spikes both jealousy and admiration in Sebek! If he was ever struggling with something, chances are he’d be too prideful to go up to a stranger and ask for tips, so he would watch you or listen in on you and try to grasp the concept himself from what he can pick out. Go ahead and call him out if you notice him; if you figure out what he wants and offer your help, he’d begrudgingly accept (but under the surface he really appreciates it a lot! He’d make sure to make it up to you; he doesn’t want to be indebted, after all).

It takes a while for the two of you to befriend each other, and longer still to get into a relationship since you’re not really in-tune with your feelings and romantic attachments. Sebek isn’t all that self-aware, either, both as a general trait of his as well as the fact that he focuses so much on training and his duty to Malleus. It’d be cute once he finally realizes he might have feelings for you, though! Since you like to engage in playful banter with the people you like, if anything crosses over into something that could possibly be taken as flirtatious he would absolutely flush red and stutter. He wouldn’t know how to respond to any direct flirting (and it’s not one of his proudest moments, lol). But when he gets a handle on how he feels and decides he’d be open to pursuing a relationship with you, he’s cute in that overly eager and earnest way. Yes, he may shout when trying to compliment you or ask you out. He might not comment on it much (unless he’s trying to act all smug about you falling for him, which only happens occasionally), but if anyone else were nearby they might think it’s cute how flustered each of you get around each other.

Both of you are blunt and lean towards honesty in most situations. However, whereas you’re willing to apologize if you realize you’ve offended someone, Sebek often refuses (or offers some roundabout apology that doesn’t even sound like an apology). He may be more inclined to start being more careful with how he phrases things, or at least more apologetic when angering people, if he spends enough time with you. He needs to realize that apologizing for misunderstandings isn’t the blow to his pride like he thinks it is.

As you get to know each other better, he’d be incredibly frustrated with your lack of drive and passion for things. You can pick up all of these skills, you know all these things, but you’re not applying yourself? He almost can’t wrap his head around it! That sort of apathy and lack of application reads as laziness to him, which drives him up a wall. But above all, he wants to know why you act like that when you could probably do anything you set your mind to. Explain your side of it to him, that it’s a genuine struggle for you to actually apply yourself in a meaningful way; he’s a solution-oriented person, so he’ll listen but he’ll try to offer advice, too. He’ll keep a watchful eye on anything that sparks your interest, anything that causes you to light up when you do it or talk about it. He’d definitely encourage you to pursue those areas in some way or another, in his typical loud and energetic way.

Sebek also gets mad on your behalf if people try taking advantage of you. As you’ve described and as your 9w8 enneagram type suggests, you tend to fall into people-pleasing behaviors. On top of that, you also say that you don’t exactly take an issue when people take advantage of you--but Sebek sure would take issue with it! He values you and he wants you to value yourself as well; you may not really see much of an issue with it, because you’re still helping people out even though you really don’t need to, but Sebek just hates that you’re helping people that just value you for what you do for them. He might get a little overbearing about this and is liable to start snapping at people who ask too much of you, but he also respects that ultimately you decide what you do about it. Even if he doesn’t agree with your decisions. And, as you tend to be overly agreeable at times in order to avoid conflict, he would also encourage you to speak up if you disagree with something. You’d catch him off guard if you’re talking with someone else and you just agree with the person when he knows you have a different opinion on the matter.

When it comes to dating, Sebek is definitely a little clueless, and as such he might go to Lilia for advice (or, Lilia may just offer advice if he sees Sebek stewing about something and he figures out it’s about dating). Sorry, but sometimes Lilia purposefully feeds Sebek questionable advice just for the fun of it; he takes it so seriously! So Sebek might be prone to courting you extremely formally at first; he shows up at your door with gifts that are a bit too extravagant, he’s dressed up, and he insists that the two of you must have dinner first this evening before doing any other bonding activities! All jokes aside, though, he loosens up a bit after the first few dates. He might initially complain if you plan cozy, lowkey, lazy dates, but he actually really comes to enjoy them. He’s so high-strung all the time that it’s nice being able to take a break from everything and just relax in the company of a loved one.

You using words of affirmation as a love language would be greatly appreciated by Sebek, even if he gets flustered about it at times. But he really does thrive on it! He puts so much effort into being the best he can be, and yes it might be mostly for Malleus, but he likes to put effort forth into the people he admires, such as Lilia and, yes, you! So he is reassured when you tell him that you love him, and what you appreciate about him. That being said, he does tend to default to acts of service as a love language towards other people, which seems to suit you well! He wants to make sure the people he deems important are taken care of. He knows most of the people he cares about can handle themselves just fine, but he still likes to do things for them to make their day a bit easier. He may also use physical touch as a love language, as it’s a bit easier for him to convey his feelings through actions rather than words, but he will only do as much as you’re comfortable with! Once he’s in-tune with you, he’s pretty perceptive as to when you’re uncomfortable.

[epicmetanoia]

Dear figtree,

I'm sitting on the couch and looking outside the window, waiting for the rain that promised itself. The sky turned dark blue, the wind started banging the doors and the tunder made the walls shake. But nothing is happening so far.

Living in the expectance of something promised... where have I felt that before?

In the process I am going through I have noticed something. There is a part of me that is fearfull and self-assured. It knows it's goals, the direction, knows the fight is tough, but there is a hunger that will make it do the imposible. Imposible as perceived by others, because for this part of me, nothing is unatainable. It posses strenghts beyond expression. And there is no doubt in itself.

And there is a part of me that is scared, paniced even. The one that cannot exist without holding on to others. The one that will never dare have it's own opinions or thoughts, as to not anger others, as to not remain alone and unloved. A servant for dimes of atention and sympathy.

These two gave coexisted inside of me and are the source of all my misunderstanding of self and of other's confusion. I guess the whole rising sun in gemini must be true. You correctly spotted the queen and the ficus. These two entities have been at odds for most of my existence. And in the last years, the second one has rulled my life. And now, in one cathegorical swipe, I severed it's grip. And it's screaming and crying and breaking everything in it's tantrums. It wants to attach itself to someone, something exterior. Or it's afraid it will die. And as with children, I'm letting it exhaust itself. And the other part is conforting it. The other part is restless and can turn tyranical when it's needs are not met. It cand be glacier and cruel.

They both live in this expectance of unmet primises and half measures. They have different agendas. But now they will merge. I feel that the time has come for a redefining of them both. The queen needs to be just and wiser and the ficus needs to get out of the pot and reach the heights that it was created for.

My insides are still contorting, but a certain unity is starting to take place.

[deathfavor]

   I was thinking about this yesterday on the whole rivalry dash shenanigans, but I don’t think Kazutora understands the difference between a rival and an enemy, or even in different scales of opposition. It’s eat or be eaten. Games are on thing, he CAN in that regard because games are set up to be competitive so he understands that can be friendly competition. But something like a rivalry OUTSIDE the confines of a game? He doens’t. It’s a genuine lack of understand because it doesn’t match up to what he’s known about the world. It wasn’t an intentional overaggressive or dramatic response on his behalf to escalate terms. It was a genuine misunderstand / misconception on Kazutora’s behalf that the tension was moving from a passive one-sided threat to an active threat.  (Hence today’s post in not hating Chifuyu but hating the threat that Kazutora perceives that ROLE as.) 

   I’ve mostly talked about Kazutora’s perceptions on threats in specific situations regarding Mikey / Baji and Kazutora’s understanding of the situation at the time (his hatred directed at Mikey and how Kazutora could snap so fast to attack Baji). But it’s something that is large scale for Kazutora.  Kazutora sees the world in threat (active and passive) or not threat.  It was a mindset that was deeply enrooted thanks in no small part to his upbringing. This idea of threats came about as a way for Kazutora to survive, especially as he grows more and more unstable. Something is either actively a threat to his wellbeing or it is not. 

     It’s not so simple as to something being a physical threat or not though. Obviously, his father plays an active threat in his head given the abuse at his hands. But fighting for example is not a threat to Kazutora BECAUSE he expects the danger and is ready for it, he enjoys it. There’s physical danger, but there’s no mental or emotional danger to Kazutora. It’s why he also doesn’t share about the Black Dragons initially - both because he is proud, and because it’s also not a threat to ‘him’ in any emotional compacity. A passive threat is Chifuyu’s role (and thus unfortunately projected onto Chifuyu sometimes but not all the time) - he’s afraid that role threatens his stability with Baji. And this is also why Hanma fits into the no threat category despite physically being able to be a threat. He feels stable in that connection without any threat. he knows Hanma’s bad news and a piece of shit and he’s willing to take that risk, so it isn’t a threat because he can only blame himself. It’s also not as strong of a connection. He dislikes him but also likes him. Like I said, its the we’re both awful but at least around you I don’t have to worry about it. 

 But at the same time his mother is also a threat to him. He lists the traitors in his life: his father, his mother, his friends (Junpeke’s group). His mother might not have had the physical aspect - but she was absent. A passive threat that really drove home how things can be a threat emotionally to Kazutora rather than physical or just verbally like his father. Physically he was safer with his mother, but emotionally it was no better. She was the one that pushed the idea that ‘you can only have one, never both’ mentality. She was supposed to care but she is absent almost all the time, leading to a very lonely childhood where he sought attention and acceptance with people he KNEW on some level were using him. He shows as much when first encountering Baji. He was supposed to be happier with his mother but he isn’t. Because that loneliness hurts him and is thus a threat to him. He’s upset and bitter when she isn’t around for his birthday or basically ever. It’s all so cold.

   In the extras, Kazutora talks about how scared he is of growing attached to people. He once thought friends were the exception but that turned out to be false.  He wants to be friends.....but that makes people a threat. Because then he can be betrayed, then he can be hurt. Things can be a threat if they hurt him.

   It takes a LOT to get through that mental barrier of keeping people at a distance. Even just with Toman there’s was skepticism even hanging out. And the moment he started to bond, he tried to break things off and go on his own again till Baji and Mikey came for him. Baji more or less expected at that point already, but that was when Mikey really solidified as becoming something more important (and thus later becomes the full recipient of this ‘threat’ viewpoint to be an enemy). Both going at his father because Mikey thought he was being kidnapped and then coming to help him even after he said they were done? It struck a deep cord with Kazutora. And then he finally began to open up more. Never the way he did and does with Baji, but more than he had. What happened with Junpeke created a deep wariness with groups compared to one on one bonds. It is also why later he’s still receptive to the other Toman members to some extent. He had that safety guard in his mind and always kept some distance (that and not feeling particularly welcomed initially). It isn’t a threat although it did HURT because he was braced for it to some level.

  On the flip side, Chifuyu’s role is a threat to Kazutora. NOT Chifuyu, he doesn’t actually see Chifuyu himself as a threat nor hate him as a person. He’s in the not threat categoy. But because Kazutora has opened himself up so much to Baji, he’s afraid that role will threaten the safety and comfort he has with Baji. It doesn’t happen with the others because he knows they aren’t AS close with Baji and often have someone else. Mikey and Draken, Pah and Peh, so on and so forth. But Kazutora and Baji became Chifuyu and Baji while he was doing time and now he’s afraid. He’s scared because he’s vulnerable. It’s a way to directly harm him. His mother’s ‘one or the other, never both’ saying haunts him deeply in regards to the matter. He’s thankful in a way to Chifuyu for being there for Baji as a person. But the role sets him on edge and feels like a threat. He’s never hated Chifuyu which makes bonding when he’s out of prison easier (besides the guily and concern of something happening to Chifuyu). He’s had help to work through that idea that the world is ONLY a threat or non-threat division and misconceptions. Not that it doesn’t flare up or his anxiety twist at times, but it’s far, far better. Not every deep connection is a threat, he gets that when he’s older. But when he’s younger, he doesnt.

Kazutora is always just trying to survive and it ends up with this creation of a threat and non threat view towards the world, however warped. And so it creatures issues because he DOESN’T have the understanding others often build through siblings, or school, or other connections. Kazutora never had it, which is WHY he often tends to overexaggerate and take things far too seriously when he does engage, but also alternatively is so cheerful and calm in other situations where most are more concerned. It’s all about how much of a threat something is to his very fragile and flawed mentality or the very few bonds he does have. He has to eliminate threats in his mind to be able to keep surviving because he’s barely hanging on as it is.

[goldxnfemme]

I'm new to the lesbian scene, I was jw what do butch and femme really mean? (Regarding your post yesterday)

Hi! I'm sorry I took a couple days to get to this, I've been wondering how to best, in the most complete way, address this, in the sense that I've answered this a few times and I keep adding more and more each time, it never seems like quite enough. I talked to my girlfriend, a fellow femme about this and she told me "I was thinking that you could surely write it just from your head and heart!" and she's right, I could, but to talk about these identities and pass only the subjectivity of my experiences and the bit of knowledge I have wouldn't do it justice. I will talk about it from those angles though, don't worry. I thought I could share bits and pieces of books that helped shape me into the femme I am today, I have mentioned those before, but I found myself with too many pieces, over 90, and I think that's too many for one post, so here and now I will promise to share those with you, not in this post, but in this blog and I believe sharing different experiences will help the general understanding. I am only one femme and my experience isn't universal, so we shall share the knowledge.

I have answered a similar ask before, here , hopefully the link works, if I miss anything, my butch/femme tag is also here, there I have a lot of resources there.

Butch and femme are complex and subjective identities (there are so many ways to be butch and femme , it's not one size fits all because everyone is a little different), and it's important to me that I don't diminish them into aesthetics, because I want people the understand that the center of butch and femme isn't looks.

Here's the center of these identities for me, what unifies us all, regardless of subjectivity, is that at the end of the day they are about community, about being there for each other, about taking care of each other, about finding safety in each other's arms when the world is still shitty towards you, about protecting one another in any way that you can and making sure they feel that sense of belonging in our community. Butch and femme are two sides of the same coin facing struggles and fighting to protect our counterparts however we need to.

In this case, I'll talk about these identities in lesbian communities.

Butch is authentic, transgressive, beautiful is its own ways, it's taking masculinity that for a long time was seen as only belonging to men and making it their home, their comfort, finding their true self there and giving it their very own meanings, much like femmes' femininity, their masculinity isn't one size fits all and it shows itself in different ways. Femme, for me, is taking femininity and making it your own, presenting yourself for others in your community, femme is strong, it's brave, it's fierce, it's demanding when we need it to be, it's making your voice heard for your sake and for others, because that's the important bit, it's all about community. Femme is being safety and community to butches and vice versa. Being femme is being proud. Femme is taking care of your community, it's making a home together where we all belong.

Butch and femme are about subversion and belonging.

It's not that without a butch I am not femme, or that we're necessarily attached, it's that their existence fosters my femmeness and brings it to its full potential, my place of belonging. Butches in general bring us something to contrast against while going both in the same direction.

The notion of that dynamic is important in its existence and application, regardless of romantic inclinations, the contrast, the mutual support and protection and uplifting, still should exist, being possible and necessary, while in a butch for butch or femme for femme, butch or femme4both relationship, etc.

Therefore those identities meet in their very own representation of lesbian gender and being there for each other.

Now I want to address a few misunderstandings I've seen about these identities*:

- you don't have to be tall to be a butch. There are no height restrictions in the butch identity, as far as I'm concerned. Short butches are still butches and beyond valid, your height doesn't determine how butch you are. The inverse is also true, femmes do not have to be short and petite, no height restrictions for us either.

- you don't have to be attracted to butches to be femme or to femmes to be butch, again not a requirement, but it's important to understand this is your community, regardless of romantic inclinations, the mutual support and protection and uplifting are deeply rooted in these identities, that is important.

- butch doesn't equal top/femme doesn't equal bottom. Butches do not have to be tops, butches do not have to be dominant, butches are not aggressive, at least none of the ones I know and have read about, butches don't have to have these characteristics attributed to "traditional"/stereotypical masculinity. These can be harmful stereotypes at times. Neither are femmes inherently submissive and agreeable to everything.

- in talking sexuality, stone butch and stone femme identities/dynamics/relationships are actually healthy and reciprocal, they're not selfish. And those boundaries should be respected. I have more about these in the butch/femme tag.

- femmes aren't always gender confirming. It is very frustrating for me that people still believe this, I'd say, more often than not, femmes are gender nonconforming, we can have complicated relationships with gender just like butches.

- you don't have to be physically strong to be butch. The butch identity isn't about your muscles. While I'm here talking about bodies, butches and femmes don't have to be white and thin, people of colour who have those identities are amazing, fat butches and femmes are such an important part of our community and history. Oh and disabled butches/femmes, you are so loved and valid.

In fact, when I talk about butch identity towards people of colour it reminds me of this piece from Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme:

hopefully readable, though I think you have to click on them to do so

- continuing, femme isn't hyper feminine all the time or even at all for some of us, butch isn't rough and tough and hyper masculine all the time or again, even at all. And that goes into what i said, those identities aren't looks, some femmes find comfort in hyper femininity, some femmes have a different version of their own femininity and that's okay, same goes for butches, there isn't a requirement of how masculine or feminine you have to be, masculinity and femininity are what you make of it, these concepts go through our experiences in life, our notions of self, etc.

- oh mind you, for some authors the idea of butch and therefore femme, in and of itself, is beyond the cisnormative standards. All of this to say, trans butches and femmes, you belong here. You're part of our history, to say that you don't is to ignore the importance and the work the trans community put in to get us here.

- butches can do whatever they want with their hair, wearing makeup doesn't make them less butch, not wearing makeup doesn't make femmes less femme, having short hair doesn't make femmes less femme, wearing clothes not traditionally considered feminine doesn't make you less femme.

At the end of the day each butch and femme are unique, you won't ever find one exactly like the other and that's what makes those identities beautiful.

*Of course I'm not covering all of them, there are just so many, but here's a few I've seen a lot and that were pointed out to me.

ID under keep reading.

ID: image 1 - text reading:

"While focusing on demonstrating butch and female masculinity's epistemological origins, many feminist theorists have interpreted butch as a way of "knowing, interpreting, and doing lesbian gender." Ontologically, these lesbian genders are seen as being "concerned with having an identity, and a kind of true self." Some understand it as both socially constructed "gender performance" and others as representing an essentialized heterosexual, biological, male identity that merely clones the referent. The expressions of one's gendered butch identity are intrinsically linked to culture and race. In Davis and Kennedy's classic Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community, they describe "a new style of butch, a woman who dressed in working-class male clothes for as much of the time as she possibly could, and went to the bar every day, not just on weekends. She was also street wise and fought back physically when provoked by straight society or by other lesbians." The political significance of this emergence lies in the visibility lesbians gained in the 1940s and '50s as World War II reshaped the American landscape, changing women's roles in relationship to work, gender, and family. Butch was a site of resistance to the heteronormative limitations on women. It was a place to embrace one's identity in a public way that allowed for alignment between the public and private self, a way of claiming space with your very presence. There is a long-standing history of butch representations that have helped solidify the iconic image of today's butch. The icon of butch identity was fashioned through historical narratives, poetry, biography, and classic novels such as Radclyffe Hall's The Well of Loneliness, written in 1928 and long considered the most well-known lesbian novel, The Beebo Brinker Chronicles from Ann Bannon, which moved butch into mainstream consciousness in the 1950s, and Leslie Feinberg's Stone Butch Blues, set in the pre-Stonewall era of the 1960s, which solidified the archetype. This "butch raging bull, as Halberstam argues, is meant to "offer masculinity a new champion" drawing on the iconography of the white male boxer. These works created a narrative for what and how butch looks and feels that still holds significant cultural power today. The external signifiers - the class and racial location of these historical accounts and cultural references to bars and customs - locate butch identity. This locating of butchness within a specific culture, class, race, and ethnicity makes it difficult for the masculine of centre person of colour to enter into the narrative without their gender presentation, specifically their version of masculinity, being questioned. Attempts to disrupt this sense of "classical" butch continue to rely on representations and cultural location within whiteness and white notions of masculinity and femininity. As Halberstam points out, there is cultural value in marginalizing masculinities that divert from the master narrative. Even though Halberstam is speaking to heteronormative masculinity here, these diverting narratives have the potential to "dilute" the "authoritative power" of white butchness in the same way. As this narrative is pushed into the mainstream queer consciousness to construct butch identity, many of our experiences are left out. Supporting versions of masculinity that we enjoy and trust, many of these "heroic masculinities" depend absolutely on the subordination of alternative masculinities. This role of the dominant narrative being constructed and circulated while simultaneously preventing alternative narratives is an important factor in establishing fixed understandings of female masculinity and butch."

Image 2 - text reading:

“Halberstam goes on to address female masculinity's relation to whiteness and identifies it as a site of inquiry for "cultural studies" yet does not venture down the road of how the relationship to race critically alters female masculinity as a concept. The challenge in theorizing butch gender and identity is that to determine how it operates, you have to locate it within certain bodies and cultural and sexual practices. These various locations, when analyzed, become fixed and static through the work of the writer exploring their creation and development. A central argument in Female Masculinity is that masculinity "becomes legible as masculinity where and when it leaves the white male middle-class body." While a considerable amount of the analysis explores when and where the narrative departs from the male body, less attention is given to when and where it departs from whiteness. Unlike white female masculinity, female masculinity for womyn of colour is based on sites of power and systemic oppression - through masculinities of colour. The assumption that they can be resignified with equal subversive and revolutionary actions against white manhood is false. The ability to access masculinity pivots upon the ways in which gender intersects with race, and these gaps have been filled with many new ways of naming ourselves. In the last decade, the explosion of young masculine-of-centre womyn has created a demographic shift on the butch landscape, giving way to terms like "stud," "boi," "tom," and "macha" in California and the South, "dom" within the DC, Maryland, and Virginia region, and "aggressives," or "AGS" in New York. These identities represent a redefined female masculinity that is rooted in the experiences of womyn of colour and is more genderqueer than historical interpretations of butch. For some this raises the question: "What is happening to all of our butches?" I think this evolution highlights the fact that, for many of us who came of age ten or twenty years ago, and even called ourselves butches, we never felt fully rooted in that language and space. As a community, we have the opportunity to respond with an open heart to this evolution, ensuring that the legacy of butch as a social, political, and personal space continues to grow and thrive. But we must also concede its limitations. The title of this piece, "Masculine of Centre, Seeks Her Refined Femme," is a heading from the first dating profile posted using the term "masculine of centre." It speaks to both a historical legacy of butch-femme and a longing for a language different and new.”

END ID

[wickedcinnamonroll]

I just watched They/Them and it was fucking perfect

This won’t be a detailed review or anything I just really wanted to share my thoughts cause I’m already seeing posts saying to boycott it and it makes me so upset to see people misunderstanding this movie.

(And to people saying to boycott it cause Blumhouse made it: were y’all saying the same thing about Halloween or Halloween Kills? Or The Invisible Man? Or Get Out? Or Ma? Or Freaky? Split is an awful Ablest movie I 100% agree and saying Blumhouse produces everything isn’t an excuse for their hand in making that, but if anyone should be blamed, it’s Shyamalan. He wrote, directed and produced it while They/Them is made by completely different people so it’s unfair to punish it for the actions of another director who worked with the same production)

Let me start off by saying yes, it was absolutely difficult to watch at times thanks to the in universe homophobia, transphobia, biphobia (both acted out by others and internally), abusive actions and language, the death of an animal and if those things trigger you, you don’t have to watch this movie and I don’t blame you for not wanting to watch something triggering. That being said, that is not an excuse to spread misinformation about what it is or isn’t just based on the trailer and summary.

This is not a movie made with the soul purpose of making and hurting/killing queer characters. This is a movie exploring the horrors of gay conversion, the unique struggles we go through, queer friendships and relationships and taking actions into your own hands to defend yourself and others. Queer characters are insulted and hurt by the camp counselors to show how evil they are and spoiler alert: all of the homophobic camp counselors and only one gay camper die (and I believe the way it was handled was for the most part pretty good). People saying it’s not a gay revenge movie are just wrong. Perhaps a spoiler but the slasher is absolutely doing this to take revenge on the counselors and to make them pay for what they’ve done to gay kids.

The slasher isn’t treated/viewed as just as bad as the counselors or worse (though they are arrested but honestly just a commentary on how fucked the legal system is and vigilante stuff). The gay characters don’t call them a monster for what they’ve done, only that they don’t want to join in their vigilante work and instead try to return to normalcy, which is completely understandable. As much as I’d love to kill a homophobe, the idea of actually ending someone’s life is fucking terrifying so I can fully relate to the main nonbinary character not wanting to spill the blood of another person.

Speaking of the gay characters, I thought they were all amazing, likable, relatable and realistic. I was extremely attached to them and felt their joy and pain and fear and it was a relief when they all survived. They weren’t all perfect and that’s what makes it so great. You have one or two gay characters who, despite being gay, hold partially transphobic beliefs or didn’t get people’s pronouns correct right away, showing the very real existence of inner community conflict and that yes, gay people can be transphobic or not understand the struggles trans people go through.

I can speak for myself at least when I say I’m so happy this movie exists. It further inspires and motivates me to work on my own queer horror story.

[doycngs]

jay park. | attached.

summary. as much as he wants to provide for you, being tied down isn’t a part of your plans. if this attachment is what will break you two apart… so be it.

pairing. y/n x enhypen’s jay

genre. somewhat-friends with benefits!au

word count. 2k.

warnings. afab!reader, swearing, hints of intimacy, reader is closed off and defensive, money issues, jay has good intentions y’all try not to misunderstand, please let me know more if i could add another, thanks!

inspo. novacane by frank ocean

second part is here!

|—————|

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE in his touch tonight. 

It’s gradual, the way his rugged hand would swipe at your hair off your shoulder, and then trail down the surface of your arm. His eyes are unusually serene, the glaze in them replaced with a quietness that is unnerving. 

The movements are slow against your tongue and your lip. There’s no roughness or urgency in his actions, a commonality you’ve gotten to know well in the past months. His touches are purposeful, and they linger behind, making your nails curl into the palms, crescent moons pressed into them like a temporary tattoo for the night. 

There’s a difference and you’re not sure how to take it. 

After you two are done, and you’re both heaving on the mattress, the silence is stifled with anxiety on your side. The comfort that used to sit between you two forces the distance of your bodies into your consciousness. You’re not one to feel ashamed of your natural state but sensing Jay’s gaze on your skin tickles the hairs on it. 

Sitting up to the edge of the bed, you run your fingers through your hair and sigh. The night view twinkles against his ceramics and paints them in a presidential blue hue, including the gleaming metal of his belt buckle on the floor. 

The ruffle of the bedsheets and weight shift on the bed urges you into bending and slinking your underwear on. Next are undoing your inside-out jeans and that’s when his blunt nail tails down your curved spine. 

Jay’s fixed look as he brushes your hair to the side to see the face forces you to stand, jumping to pull your pants. You’re not as afraid to know what was on the tip of his tongue, but rather racking your brains of how to respond. 

He steps on your T-shirt as he himself gets sweatpants on while seated, and when you haul to get it, Jay stays on it with more strength. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Meeting his blank gaze, you falter and your heart tightens in worry, no matter whether you want it to or not, “What’s wrong?” 

“Why didn’t you tell me of your second job?” 

“My what?” 

The stare turns into a mixture of hurt and accusation in a split second. “Don’t act dumb with me.” 

Licking your lips as you turn around in the room, looking around for the sake of it, you reply curtly. “It’s none of your business.” 

He doesn’t know how to respond to that and by the focus he puts into thinking, you yank for your shirt. Pulling it on, Jay places a splayed palm on your tummy, running it up to the valley of your breasts and keeping it there. 

Perhaps he can feel the direction your heart is pumping, slowly rising and rising at the corner he’s backed you into. You don’t mean to jerk his arm away from you but the vulnerability he was trying to aim at doesn’t suit your taste at the moment. 

“Jay, what are you getting at? Spit it out.” 

“I could help you, you don’t have to resort to that.” 

Licking at the back of your canine at the serious expression he’s got going on, it takes about three whole seconds before a condescending laugh leaves your dry lips. He can only admire the love bites he’s made on your marred neck for a moment as you stretch to the ceiling. 

“What, do you owe it to me?” 

Jay hooks his thumbs to your hip bones now, uprooting your heels from his expensive hardwood flooring and bringing your waist closer. His chin rests in your belly button, peering up to you through his thick lashes with an open gaze.

“I want to help.” 

“I don’t want it.” 

His beautiful piercings on his ears catch your attention and you're painstakingly reminded of how tied you are to this man. Jay has a devastating beauty of him; it spells chaos and trouble, exactly what attracted you to him in the first place at that New Years' party. 

If you knew how much your heart would ache for him, for his smile, all pretty and horribly sugared over at the look of your own grins, you knew you would be running for the hills. Wouldn’t have taken the chance and risked your hard work in life to fall so badly for somebody like Jay.

You can’t help but dig your nails into the rich black mess on top of his head. The slope of his nose fit his pretty cheekbones well, not to mention the sharp jawline and wide neck you loved so much. As much as you wanted to distance yourself from him, the desire to know him so intimately couldn’t be disobeyed. 

Jay’s palm runs up your spinal column, pulling the hem of your shirt up as he hooks his fingers on the loop of the tag. “I want to.” 

“I’m not accepting shit. Keep your money to yourself.” 

His silent sigh, the feeling of it flying through the thin material of your cotton shirt communicates his dissatisfaction with your stubbornness. 

“Why do you care so much?” 

Jay flits his eyes on the side, now fixated on his cap, thrown haphazardly on the accent chair his mother insisted was needed in his bedroom. 

“Afraid of the way I sell out my body?” 

“Don’t phrase it like that.” 

“Don’t like sharing me?” 

“Stop.” 

“The thought of others touching me too?”

Jay’s grip on your body tightens like a vice. You knew he didn’t like when you mentioned you weren’t exclusive to him, didn’t like to exploit or talk about it either. An unspoken rule between you two that you’ve followed religiously until now but you had to know it. 

The extent to which Jay’s grown to get attached to you. 

Your cold hands have landed on his broad shoulders, warm from the earlier exertion and excitement of sex. You’re sure that your cruel and frozen graze could conjoin with this flame you two have been cradling since January and snuff it out once and for all if you so desire. 

“It’s not that.” 

His voice seems on the edge of the dangerous territory and you know you shouldn’t egg it on unless you truly wanted to end things. But tonight was already on the cusp of it. Maybe killing this unspoken foundation wouldn’t be the worst thing, saving him from the harsher heartbreak in the future. Nip this blooming rose and sacrifice the what-ifs he will swell in his already messy mind. 

“What then?” 

You’ve never noticed the shade of dark coffee in his irises before. Black, black caffeine, liquid and changing like swishing heat. 

“I could support you all on my own. Don’t do that shit anymore.” 

“Fuck you.” 

The scoff that rips from your throat is angry. Stepping away from his bubble, you turn his bedroom knob and begin searching for your purse. 

He follows you out with a quick tread. Jay’s attempt to grab at the crook of your arm, looking all over for your bag doesn’t halt you in the slightest. 

“You know I could. I could pay your tuition in a heartbeat, you wouldn’t have to work like that, wouldn’t have to bartend until the early morning, serve at the diner downtown, do any of that shit—” 

You finally whip around to face Jay, face twisted in frustration and genuine ache. “I have… never said I wanted that from you. I have never and will never. Drop this, Jay.” 

He leans back a little, head tilted and unable to understand why you’ll keep not agreeing when you slave to make the bills and deadlines and payment warnings, with all the threats to shut off your heat and water and kick you out to sleep on the streets. 

“Why? Why? Tell me— the fuck why and I will.” 

The fire in your usual cold stare burns blue hot. “I don’t need your help. What the fuck do you think I’m doing, turning myself to damn porn?” 

“I could fix that for you!” Jay can only stand to meet your provoking tone, grabbing at your forearms with a shaking grip meant to shove sense into your head. “Let me... I have no ill intentions. I just want... I want the best for you. You don’t deserve to be doing all this.”

Seething, you bite your lip and look at the outlook from his apartment. From the top floor, it has a great expanse of the city from here, all glowing lights and zooming cars on the streets below. So quiet despite the chaos of nightlife at the bottom, where you’ll parade back and forth, scheming for a check biweekly. 

“I don’t like owing people.” 

“You wouldn’t owe me anything.” 

There’s no humor in your laugh and you’re not willing to come face to face with Jay. The layers of defense are coming down and there’s no stopping it now. That shine in his eyes, from the second you stepped foot into his apartment, the door already open for your presence, blazes higher more and more and more. 

“That’s not how life works.” 

“I wouldn’t want anything from you—”

“Life doesn’t fucking work that way.” 

“Y/N—” 

“And don’t stand here and tell me otherwise, in your fucking penthouse with marble countertops and mahogany doors.”

“Please listen—” 

“And your daddy’s money running through your veins, a fucking mother that cooks for you every week and comes by with containers of meals stored away. Or of your fucking tuition, all set before you could even tell what you wanted to be or where you wanted to go.”

He bites at the pink tongue laid in his mouth, heart clenching at the untold recital you’ve hidden away from many, if any have been so close to you to hear it. 

“Of your fucking rich friends and flexing car, shiny watches and silk ties, embroidered bedsheets, and brand clothes.” 

Meeting the agony sewed onto your facial features, which twist the knobs behind your eyes and turn the tear faucet on… all of it forces Jay quiet. 

“You want to know what my mother did for me? It was all a little like this. She was poor and met a guy just like you, so financially stable. She grinded like me to meet the bills for college, wanted everything in the world to be a nurse. Worked night and day to make her dream happen. That guy gave her the world at her feet but knocked her up to tie him to her. Let that festering imagination of hers die out, got sick of her, and kicked her out on the streets once I came into existence. My mother got overworked, cleaning hotel rooms and letting me sleep in those storage closets for warmth. And when she finally dies, that motherfucker cut off all ties with me,”

Jay’s hold on your forearms loosens. 

“I don’t want to owe anything to anyone. I don’t want to get tied to anyone either. And if you’re so upset with me trying to make ends meet, no matter which way I do, I don’t fucking care,” Pointing a fingernail into the middle of his chest, pangs of throbbing sorrow deep in your irises, you continue, “Don’t contact me...” 

You catch your bag on the nook by the hallway to the door, stalking to go get it. Tugging on your worn-down sneakers, you avoid making eye contact and let Jay fester in the hollow and cold apartment you’ve let yourself get too familiar with. 

Finally yanking on the front door, you can hear his bare footsteps start to pad your way, dry mouth moving to protest your exit. 

And ignoring his pleading words, you cut the blooming flower of unnamed intimacy for both of your sakes. Ignore the way you immediately regret your harsh decision and let your emotions get the best of you. Ignore the twingeing pain of always pushing people away and letting your heart depend on someone so close. 

Getting attached to Jay Park was a mistake. And you wished time could turn back so you would have never let the both of you get this far in the first place.

[nothorses]

Transfems, Transmisogyny, and the Fight to Recognize Transandrophobia

It's been over a year since my original post "On Transandrophobia", and even longer since the word itself was coined by @saint-speaks. There has been a lot of discussion since then, and as I predicted in that original post, a lot of misunderstandings.

I want to take a moment to reflect, re-establish our intentions, and clear up some misunderstandings.

Most importantly, I want to address the discussions around what role transfems play in this discussion. We left gaps in our original conversations about this; partially out of fear, and partially out of a lack of personal experience. We've had more than enough time to learn, though, and it's time to start filling those gaps in.

Buckle in; it's gonna be a wordy one.

Hypervisibility & Invisibility

Hypervisibility is the problem of being too visible in the public eye; it means you are the face of the movement, you are held responsible, you are to blame, you are demonized, and you are most openly targeted. It's a form that oppression can take in any group; black people and gay men face hypervisibility, for example. So do transfems.

Invisibility is the problem of not only not being visible, but of being actively erased from the narrative. It means your existence is not accounted for, your needs are not accounted for, your voice is silenced and unrepresented; and though you are still targeted, this is often brushed over, ignored, and thus allowed to continue. Again, this dynamic can be present in any group; Asian people, asexuals, intersex people, etc. And, of course, transmascs.

Resentment breeds easily between these two groups, by nature of what they are. That's the point.

Hypervisible groups face the issue of being too visible, so being invisible looks like a break. Like rest. Like not being blamed, demonized or openly targeted. And that seems like privilege. Invisible groups face the issue of not being visible at all, and so hypervisibility looks like acknowledgement, like having allies, like being taken seriously, like being given a voice- and that seems like a privilege.

Neither of those things are true. The benefits we see in the other's oppression is a lie; it's what cis society wants us to believe the other has, because that means we envy each other. That means we fight each other over the table scraps before we turn our attention to the people starving us.

Fellow Transmascs: Our oppression is not their fault.

I've taken care to stress this point from the start, but I've had hesitations both directions: my experience has been that myself, and the transmascs I have the most contact with, are so sympathetic to the struggles transfems face that we're afraid we'll imply they're less important by talking about our own. Obviously, this isn't productive; but I feel we've dealt with it poorly in some ways. Let's try again.

First: Hypervisibility is not a privilege, it's just a different form of oppression. Transfems don't gain anything by being hypervisible. If they're the face of the trans community, it's not because their voices are being heard; it's because pictures of them are being tossed around with cis people's captions attached, or cis people's words inserted into their mouths. They do not have control over how they, or any of us, are perceived.

Second: Transfems who are cruel to us are not our oppressors. Lateral aggression hurts, and it can even support systems of oppression, but transfems as a group don't benefit from our oppression. They don't stand to gain anything from it, they don't have privilege over us, they do not have power over us. What they're participating in is a lie fed to them by cis society: that by throwing us under the bus, they might gain some small amount of respect from cis society. Don't buy into it by trying to do the same.

Third: Do not allow resentment toward transfems to grow. Not anywhere. Don't let yourself envy their position, don't let yourself see them as your oppressor, don't let yourself hold transfems as a group responsible for the actions of a few.

Keep our actual goals in mind: to nurture unity and solidarity between our communities, to be each other's allies, and to move forward in a healthy direction. Anger and resentment toward individual transfems who have allowed anger and resentment toward us to fester might be justified, but consider what impact it's going to have.

Consider what is actually going to solve this problem. Consider how many other groups have done so much worse, perpetuated so much worse, and have created the double standards we're dealing with in the first place. Consider who our anger and resentment is actually serving- because it isn't us.

And lastly: Include transfems. I know it feels like they've had the floor and it should be our turn to speak instead, but they haven't. They've had people talking over them, for them; and even if they hadn't, their voices wouldn't matter any less. They have so much valuable insight from experiences we have no way of accessing, and they need to be included and valued alongside everyone else in the trans community. We can all speak- there's plenty of room.

Transfems: This is Your Fight, Too.

"Transandrophobia" was coined not just to describe transmasc experiences, but to describe an arm of transphobia. As long as one arm exists, harm against the entire trans community can be perpetuated.

Transmisogyny itself can impact the entire trans community; the idea that trans women are just men invading bathrooms to prey on unsuspecting cis women has stripped all trans people of the right to use the restroom safely in some states, for example. I'm sure anyone who's experienced transmisogyny is aware of how the effects can spiderweb out across the rest of the community, even as it targets one part in particular.

And the same can be said about transandrophobia. The belief system relies on the idea that women are weak and incompetent, prone to making poor decisions, and cannot be trusted with autonomy; that men are dangerous and gross, and connections to manhood are undesirable; that being "adjacent" to manhood gives one privilege; that looking "like a man" makes one ugly and undesireable; that testosterone makes one prone to physical and sexual violence...

These are the same ideas mirrored in much of transmisogyny as well, and that isn't a coincidence. It's the same gender-essentialism and bio-essentialism that misogyny and transphobia both rely on, re-shaped into a new weapon to brandish against a different enemy. Getting rid of one weapon doesn't fix the problem; people are just as likely to pick up a different weapon to use against you.

Laws making HRT illegal to administer, or more difficult to access in general, were not built on a hatred of trans women: they were built on the idea that Little Girls Were Being Lead Astray, that Poor Idiot Women Were Chasing Male Privilege, that Future Mothers Were Losing Their Breasts and Uteruses, that Teen Girls Were Having a Phase, etc. And those laws hurt every single one of us, even if the ideas target transmascs in particular.

I know a lot of transfems care already, just because it's the right thing to do- because trans people deserve space, and a voice, and support regardless of whether it benefits you directly or not. My personal experience has been that the overwhelming majority of transfems see this, and are wonderful, supportive people without needing convincing at all.

I'm just saying this because I want it to be clear to transfems, and to everyone else reading this, why this fight matters to the entire trans community. And because I understand the resentment and the hesitation, and it's valid, and I want to be clear that this fight is not one to silence anyone.

It's a fight to uplift us all, together; and it's a fight that must recognize transmisogyny as much as it recognizes other arms of transphobia.

Everyone Else: Stop Using Transfems as Accountability Shields.

The vast majority of the time I see someone claiming that "transandrophobia" is bad because it "silences trans women", that it "downplays trans transmisogyny", that transmascs In General are transmisogynists, that transmascs Must Be Silenced For The Good of Trans Women, that transmascs Don't Need Our Own Word, etc.,

It's not actually transfems doing it.

For example: Natalie Wynn included about 10 minutes in a 90-minute video talking about the specific transphobia directed at transmascs by TERFs and cis women in general, and received weeks of online harassment accusing her of transmisogyny as a result. (I'm not speaking to Natalie herself, or any of the controversies around her; this incident alone should indicate to you that something is wrong with the way people are using these accusations.)

The claim that someone or something is transmisogynistic carries weight in certain circles. That doesn't mean it's addressed appropriately- it almost never is- but it has an emotional charge that people tend to respond to.

The claim that someone is "fighting for trans women," or even the suggestion to "listen to trans women" made by someone who is not transfem, while claiming trans women As A Group believe something in particular, carries a similar weight. It often excuses certain actions, bypasses scrutiny, and implies that whatever action being taken is justified and correct- up to and including harassment.

Cis women- and other people who are not transfem- claiming they're "speaking for transfems" when they silence transmascs on issues that impact the entire trans community is clearly an issue. Some trans women may agree with them- and others don't. Which leaves the argument up to how many transfems can be tallied up for each side; tokenizing and objectifying them for the sake of winning an argument.

Transfems are not argumentative pawns. Transfem issues are not a shield against accountability, nor are they a bludgeon to wield against trans people in general. If you want to be an ally, you need to listen not just to "Trans[whatever] Voices"; you need to seek out a diversity of opinions and viewpoints, think critically about them, ask questions about why they are the way they are, and come to your own conclusions.

You need to take accountability for your arguments and opinions, instead of shoving them off onto the closest minority group and saying it's their fault you're acting the way you are.

Transfems aren't responsible for your thoughts, beliefs, and actions. You are.

[annalacerda17]

Being a part of the MDZS fandom, I've come to notice a massive misuse of the word victim in this fandom, and all the implications attached to the concept. I'm convinced this is not purely a lack of reading comprehension and ppl projecting themselves into certain characters, but also a fundamental lack of understanding of what it means to be a victim.

I've noticed ppl misunderstand suffering and victimhood as being the same thing, therefore if a character suffers, they'll say they are a victim.

JC stans will often treat JC as a victim because WWX left, because he suffered losses (like every single character in this book, which they seem to conveniently forget), because his father reprimanded him that one time. The thing is, most of JC's suffering is a direct consequence of JC's own actions. WWX left him because of JC's lack of morals and horrible treatment of WWX and the ppl around him. JFM reprimanded him because JC said WWX should've left LWJ and JZXuan to die. He is miserable because he insists on holding on to every single thing thing that didn't go his way ever in his life. He's alone because he is a toxic person. JC isn't a victim because his misery is a consequence of his own choices. He acts like a victim and throws tantrums like a child because doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions. The key difference here is agency: JC could have chosen differently, and had every opportunity to do so. He didn't because he chose not to.

JGY and XY stans have a different problem: they act like being a victim defines someone's whole being. JGY and XY were victims in the past, because their suffering was the result of unjust actions by other ppl. But then they both move on from being victims to being perpetrators, all the while wielding their victimhood like a shield to excuse the injustices they themselves chose to commit.

This misunderstanding of victimhood also affects WWX's fannon characterization. Because victimhood is treated like a defining trait, and WWX is a character who never lets victimhood define him in any way (which is very empowering), a part this fandom insists he isn't a victim, despite an entire novel's worth of evidence to the contrary, and another part of fandom will completely ingore his cannon characterization and insist he has self-esteem issues, self-worth issus, is suicidal, is drowning in guilt, bla bla bla. It doesn't help that some of his CQL-only actions can be misinterpreted to corroborate with this type of mischaracterization of WWX.

I find this ironic in this fandom, because the way characters react to trauma, suffering, victimhood and their angency in all of that is major theme in MDZS.

[min-jpg]

helloo! Can I request a oneshot hehe of the reader who stopped talking to Diluc cuz she thought that Diluc and Donna are dating cuz heard Donna “moaning” 😂 about Diluc so she thought that it might be best for them even though she also has feelings for him. Can it be super fluffy at the end? hehe thank youu! 💖

everlasting flame

Character: Diluc x GN!reader

Genre: fluff, friends to lovers, mutual pining

---

Blending yourself in the shadows projected by the tall buildings during the high noon, half of your body peeked out to assess the surrounding. Affirming that a certain red-haired man was nowhere within the vicinity, only then your tensed shoulders dropped.

A few days have traversed by ever since you consciously began to avoid Diluc like a plague. Your hand clenched near your chest, wrinkling your shirt in the process. The truth is, you hate to distance yourself away from him. The daunting thought looms over your heart, prickling it constantly to remind you of the intense feeling that you harbor for him. Yet, you tried reassuring yourself that your decision was the best for both parties.

Last week, you sauntered on the streets of Mondstadt as usual to run some errands. You happened to catch a woman sighing to herself, marveling at Diluc's name under her breath. Stopping on your tracks to observe her, you wondered if your ears deceived you.

"Oh, all I can think about is Diluc..." Her words rang loud and clear, reaching you. Your head lowered, folding your lips together as your emotions pressured you. Picking up your pace, you immediately deserted the area.

"Of course... someone like Diluc would obviously have a girlfriend." Tears bleared your vision. "Why did I even think I had a chance in the first place? Stupid!" You fussed at yourself for being a fool. Diluc never divulged anything about being in a relationship, but it made sense since he always preferred keeping his private life undisclosed.

Your feet carried you to Angel's Share. Staring at the entrance, you were reminded of your plans with Diluc in the evening. Your mind retreated to the woman earlier. Would it be appropriate for you to have plans with an attached man at such a timing? The sensation of your chest tightening returns, a dull ache spreading.

You met Diluc as promised, but for a reason which deterred from the original plan, "Diluc, I think we should stop meeting each other like this." Without contributing any further elaboration, your gaze glued to the ground as long as they never met his. Diluc was stumped. However, with a soft voice, he tried to pry for an explanation for your behavior, "What do you mean? Did something happen? You can talk to me."

"You have a girlfriend, right? It's not right for me to be in your personal space. She might misunderstand." You stood up abruptly, turning around to leave and devoiding any room for conversations between the two of you.

That was the last time you spoke to Diluc. Today, he happened to spot you and came to your pursuit. Due to your instinct, you ran in the opposite direction, ending up in this spot to take cover.

You slumped against the wall of the building, both mentally and physically drained from avoiding Diluc. Would things have been different if you had muster up your courage to confess to him last time? The abiding infatuation for him never once relinquished even after you stopped seeing him. In fact, it might have backfired. The more you try to push him away, the more your mind is occupied with him. Like a fire ablaze brilliantly, your feelings never smothered.

As you dove deep into your thoughts, a pair of arms trapped you in between. Snapping out of your reverie, Diluc was right before you. His bangs persistently stuck to his forehead, sweat rolling down. Realizing that he must have run all the way here under the hot scorching sun, your jaw tightens in guilt.

"Why are you avoiding me?" While his eyes burnt into yours, you turned your head aside, "What do you mean? I'm not avoiding you." Murmuring, it was nearly inaudible if Diluc was not standing so close to you that you could feel his labored breath.

His expression stiffens, brows kneaded together as grief flashed in his countenance, "Did I do something wrong? I think you're misunderstanding something here. I'm not dating anyone. Even if I am, why did you have to cut me off?"

Whether it was intentional or not, but your eyes widen in anticipation, "That woman wasn't your girlfriend?"

Diluc sighed, finally detaching his arms away from the wall, brushing his fingers through his hair that appeared disheveled from running earlier, "I don't know what you heard or saw, but I'm not with anyone."

You finally faced him, causing his expression to soothe when you willingly looked at him. When you connected the dots, you feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment, "Agh, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry."

"Relax. I'm not mad." Diluc sheepishly stood there as you were in the middle of juggling thoughts about your judgment. His mouth opened then he paused, seemingly hesitating to say something, "Did it bother you that I started seeing someone?"

You inhaled sharply and actively tried to rebut, "Archons! No! It doesn't matter if you date anyone. It has nothing to do with me!"

"It doesn't? I see..." Diluc's head hung low, his red bangs obstructed his eyes, making it hard to determine what expression he wore. However, his appearance and tone displayed a hint of disappointment at your response.

When confronted by his honesty, guilt started crawling up that stemmed from the lie you told to shield your true feelings, "Uh, what I meant to say was, maybe I did feel some... jealousy." Your voice reclined towards the end, trying to make the last word incoherent to the man.

As if your words set everything in motion, Diluc's head snapped up and he watched you, "May I ask, do you have feelings for me?"

You were unsure if it was the radiation from the beaming sun or it was just your body suddenly warming up by his inquiry, "What if I do?" You answered by throwing another question to see his reaction. When Diluc took his time to reply, the prominent feeling of regret got the best of you, turning to leave, "Wait, forget it. I take that back."

Diluc's palm cuffed around your wrist, halting your departure. Without a word, he pulled you into his embrace, both your bodies collide. His warmth permeated from his body towards you. You felt his arms trembling slightly.

"Diluc?" Feeling your palpitations racing, you have longed to be held within his arms, where you would feel safe and secure, "I love you." Letting the momentum carry you, a confession blurted out.

Diluc tightens his arms, terrified that you might flee and disappear again. This is his only chance, "I love you too. I love you so much." He continues to declare his fondness for you multiple times, sending endless flutters to your heart. You could not have been happier that your feelings are reciprocated by the one you love most, especially after holding onto them for so long.

[k-s-morgan]

Gosh, the both of them are just so infatuated with eachother - even a blind man could see it (or Randall, as it so happens). It's almost laughable how ignorant they are to their own emotions. They're aware of sensations, and their unusual reactions to one another, yet seem completely unable to place them.

I find it particularly amusing how Sebastian read Ciel's expression as fear in the new snippet. He couldn't be more wrong - Ciel is more likely to fear his feelings for Sebastian than the demon himself.

Knowing them, I'm sure Sebastian will realise his mistake soon. He'd have to be exceedingly daft to assume Ciel feels any fear of him, especially after everything that's happened so far. (And if he doesn't, then the scene at the end of That Festering Disease will definitely make it clear).

By the way, I'm so into this weekly-snippet idea. It gives me something to look forward to during this stressful period in time. Thank you so much for your hard work!

So true! I knew that we’re entering the stage of more pronounced infatuation on both sides, but the force of some of it took even me aback :D

Ciel and Sebastian are both so detached from the concept of romantic relationships, even though it’s for different reasons. Ciel is still very young and he’s never experienced attraction or a crush before, especially after the trauma he underwent. The feelings he’s developing for Sebastian are completely new and terrifying. Sebastian, in turn, has existed for eons, but he’s also never been infatuated with anyone in his life. He understands lust in general when directed at him, but he can’t recognize it within himself. He’s even more terrible at identifying love and attachment because to him, these are profoundly human concepts - which is why Ciel is going to be the first one to figure everything out.   

Sebastian thinking Ciel fears him is a big plot point stretching from chapter 14 up to the end of chapter 17. There is a reason why, when given a chance, he asked Ciel if he’s going to flee from him once their contract comes to an end. There is a lot going on on his side - so much misunderstanding, anger, yearning and confusion. But you are right, of course, what Sebastian reads as fear of him is Ciel’s fear of the feelings Sebastian evokes in him. Ciel spends chapter 14 running from these feelings and trying to put an end to them - Sebastian interprets it differently. 

Maybe, tens of chapters from now, they will actually bother to have a conversation instead of constantly toying with each other and skirting around the issues that concern them :D

And thank you so much! I hope you keep enjoying the snippets. 

[synchronousemma]

Wednesday, 6th July (Old Midsummer): Mr. Knightley proposes

Read the post and comment on WordPress

Read: Vol. 3, chs. 13–14 [49–50]; pp. 278–286 (“The weather continued” to “must all be together again”).

Context

Emma takes a walk in the afternoon and is joined by Mr. Knightley, back from London.

Readings and Interpretations

Some News to Hear

Unlike Mr. Elton’s proposal, which took place on a “bleak, snowy December night,” and Frank Churchill’s imagined proposal “indoors in February, still the barren season,” “Mr. Knightley’s confession of deep love comes at the height of fertile summer,” “among the shrubbery of Hartfield in the slanting sunlight of a July evening. Light, warmth, and spaciousness replace darkness, coldness, and confinement” (Shannon, pp. 647–8). For Bruce Stovel, the change represents not only a difference in Emma’s relationships with these men but a “change within Emma” herself (n.p.). William Stroup argues that this description implicitly endorses a particular way of viewing nature that is tied to Englishness and gentility: “Where else could such a description of natural beauty lead but to the shrubbery? […] [A]s shrubbery were the very means of enclosing formerly common lands, [Austen] shows how nature, even at its most attractive and invigorating, is always contained” (p. 160).

Emma intends to open their conversation by telling Mr. Knightley of Frank and Jane’s engagement, only for him to reveal that he had already heard the news; “it occurred to [Emma] that he might have called at Mrs. Goddard’s in his way” (p. 279). This belief that a circumstance attached to a lover may be the source of information recalls Frank’s “blunder” about Mr Perry’s carriage (which Emma did not hear); however, where Mr. Knightley did not arrive at one set conclusion, Emma attains an incorrect result when attempting to fit this sign into a predetermined formula.

Emma’s behavior throughout the rest of this section is commonly taken as evidence of her moral improvement. Howard Babb writes:

in what Emma now goes on to say, a complete reversal of her earlier behavior in the novel begins to make itself apparent: [quotes from “‘You probably have been less surprised’” to “‘doomed to blindness’”]. Emma both accepts the ‘blindness’ with which she has acted and admits to the superior insight of Mr. Knightley, who has given her a ‘caution’ about Frank Churchill’s intimacy with Jane Fairfax. This self-recognition on Emma’s part also has highly emotional implications, for she realizes not only that her ‘blindness’ to Frank Churchill has been caused by her fancy, so typical, of matching him with Harriet, but that this scheme has kept her from regarding Harriet as a rival to herself for Mr. Knightley. Especially in the passionate close, Emma betrays how deeply she feels about Mr. Knightley, though her words only plead with him to sympathize as a friend with her faults. Now a suppliant, she has completely abandoned her earlier pose of haughty detachment.

And Mr. Knightley responds to her plea, even though he believes all her distress generated by the loss of Frank Churchill, the man whom he has considered his rival. There may be a touch of irony at Mr. Knightley’s expense in the fact that he praises Emma’s ‘sense’ here while quite misconceiving her situation: [quotes from “‘Time, my dearest Emma’” to “‘She deserves a better fate’”]. Yet it is typical of Mr. Knightley that, while betraying intense private emotion by his broken clauses, he should undertake to direct Emma toward her proper reaction of ‘sense,’ unselfishness, and justice to Jane Fairfax. But clearly what moves him most deeply is the sight of suffering in the woman he loves—and a lingering resentment against his former rival. (pp. 197–8)

Juliet McMaster also notes that much of the tension in this scene arises out a misunderstanding between Emma and Mr. Knightley: “he thinks she is in love with Frank Churchill, and she thinks he is in love with Harriet” (p. 103). And, though Emma is beginning from fallacious conclusions, “Mr. Knightley, insecure and depressed, does some over-interpreting of his own”:

As they discuss Frank’s engagement to Jane, Emma, painfully aware how she has exposed herself and misled Harriet, confesses, “I seem to have been doomed to blindness.” But the secret language that Mr. Knightley hears may be translated, “I fell in love with him, not knowing he was engaged. “Abominable scoundrel!” Mr. Knightley explodes. He is fierce against Frank, tender towards Emma, inarticulate in his syntax, but clear in his body language: he takes her arm and presses it. (ibid.)

Per James Bennett, Emma “perceives […] instantly” that, “besides losing his cool, [Mr. Knightley] is wrong,” and “endeavors to set him right,” only for him to again misunderstand her (“I am pleased that you can say even so much,” E p. 279):

However, her claim that Churchill is no object of regret is softening enough to cause Knightley to express himself less violently. Now Churchill is only “a disgrace.” Again Emma tries to disabuse him of his misapprehension, this time more explicitly: “I was somehow or other safe from him.” At last Knightley understands, and, free from jealousy and therefore from prejudice, now he has “never had a high opinion of Frank Churchill,” and he “shall certainly wish him well.” It is a highly amusing scene of confused, rapid, mind-changing on the part of Knightley. (p. 249)

Emma’s assertion that she was “somehow or other safe from [Frank Churchill]” invites the reading that she has been, unbeknownst to herself, in love with Mr. Knightley the whole time. Consider for example McMaster: “Her stumbling sentence structure signals a secret, which the reader can translate though Mr. Knightley can’t. ‘In short, I was safe from him because I was already in love with you,’ she reveals involuntarily […]. ‘Prepossession’ is almost a woman’s only defence from a confident man’s persistent courtship” (p. 103). Almost the only defense--lesbianism, Susan Korba points out, is another (p. 150). I would note, though, that besides either of these things Emma had already seemed to disapprove of Frank on the grounds of morality or courtesy (see Grossman).

Emma, in her turn, misunderstands Knightley by believing him to be thinking of Harriet when he says that he envies Frank’s “‘equality of situation’” with his bride (p. 291). McMaster argues that Emma “earn[s] Mr. Knightley” in this, the “most crucial moral climax in the novel,” by encouraging him to speak:

“Emma could not bear to give him pain. He was wishing to confide in her--perhaps to consult her;--cost her what it would, she would listen. She might assist his resolution, or reconcile him to it; she might give just praise to Harriet.” In that brief piece of reflection Emma atones for all her sins of over-interpretation, and of selfishness and self-aggrandisement, all her unwarrantable manipulation of Harriet, her unkind cut at Miss Bates. We know enough of Emma’s powers to be sure that she could put a spoke in the wheel of a Harriet-Knightley match, as she had prevented a Harriet-Robert Martin match. But she is not going to do that. For Mr. Knightley’s sake, for Harriet’s sake, she is ready to face the pain of hearing he loves Harriet, and the difficulty of encouraging him to be happy with the orphan girl of his choice. At last she is ready to listen, and to hear what he actually has to say. She is willing to make a sacrifice, and for that very reason she is saved from having to make it. (p. 104)

What Did She Say?

Babb writes of “the multiple ironies that arise when Mr. Knightley addresses himself to Emma more explicitly”:

For one thing, the principals work at cross purposes, Mr. Knightley trying to propose in spite of Emma’s unencouraging manner, and Emma fending off what she most wants because she fears him to be thinking of Harriet […]. A further irony inheres in Mr. Knightley's transposition of the roles to which he and Emma have been assigned through most of the novel. He now presents himself as the one governed by feeling—“I cannot be wise,” “I must tell,” “I may wish”—and Emma as the partisan of reason—“will not ask,” “determined to have no curiosity,” “wise.” In this characterization of Emma, however, Mr. Knightley speaks a truer sense than he perhaps realizes, for she now behaves with the richest integrity. For a brief moment her dread of losing him, perhaps mixed with some antagonism toward Harriet, rules Emma, and she begs Mr. Knightley not to speak. Yet she transcends this selfishness immediately, in part through an act of will, to be sure, but mainly through being almost literally moved beyond herself by her tenderness toward Mr. Knightley, and also by some sense of justice toward Harriet. Surrendering every chance for her own happiness, as she believes, Emma invites Mr. Knightley to go on. And she then learns, of course, that he loves no one but herself. Yet this fortunate result must not tempt us to undervalue what we have just witnessed: Emma shouldering her responsibilities fully in the gravest crisis that she ever endures. (p. 201)

Like McMaster, then, Babb sees this moment as a moral crossroads for Emma.

John Hagan, however, questions some moralizing readings of this scene. A conventional reading of Emma assumes that “Mr. Knightley has refrained from proposing marriage to Emma […] because heretofore he has not found her worthy of him […]. Once she has developed and reformed, however, and he has become aware of her maturation, he is ready and willing to accept her as his wife” (p. 558). Hagan argues that this interpretation is “inconsistent with the simplest facts of the plot. Because we, as readers, have been made privy by the author to the various stages of Emma’s development, it is extremely easy to forget that Mr. Knightley has not”--he does not know, for example, that Emma had envisioned Frank Churchill for Harriet, or that she has made “resolutions to reform” (ibid.). Thus Knightley’s decision to propose, “far from being the result of cool deliberation, of a reasoned recognition and acceptance of her maturation, springs entirely from impulse”:

There is not the slightest suggestion in the scene that the proposal is contingent in any way upon his approval of her growth. Her declaration that she has never loved Frank and the seeming encouragement given to Mr. Knightley’s hopes by her inviting him to speak are sufficient to release powerful emotions which have been pent up within him from the beginning of the scene, and which he can no longer control. Jane Austen, in fact, explicitly says as much: “He had come, in his anxiety to see how she bore Frank Churchill’s engagement, with no selfish view, no view at all, but of endeavouring, if she allowed him an opening, to soothe or to counsel her.--The rest had been the work of the moment, the immediate effect of what he heard, on his feelings” (432, my italics). It follows, obviously, that if he had had any reason earlier to believe that she was not in love with Frank, and if she had seemed earlier to encourage him, he would have proposed just as readily then as now. (p. 560)

Emma responds to Mr. Knightley’s declaration of his feelings with a remark that induces him to propose outright. Austen renders this dialogue indirectly in an (in)famous evasion of romantic climax: “What did she say?—Just what she ought, of course. A lady always does.—She said enough to show there need not be despair—and to invite him to say more himself” (p. 283).

Laura Buchholz notes that “[h]ere, there is a slight intrusion, as the narrator addresses the reader. It acknowledges the narrator’s consciousness of an audience only occasionally revealed in the novel. The visibility of the narrator as a physical agent briefly be comes more pronounced to the reader in this instance. Moreover, the result of this intrusion is that Emma’s actual response is withheld” (p. 215). Critics have many different readings of the significance of this moment. Wayne C. Booth writes that “[c]ritics have often objected […] to the presence of a persistent voice that could allow itself, at what conventionally should have been the moment of supreme passion, to undermine the conventional effects” in this way: “Some readers have considered such passages to be dodges, signs of Jane Austen’s own sexual inhibitions or lack of novelistic skill--poor woman, she just did not know how to write a love scene! I suggest instead that they are signs of a novelist who knows her double task: how to make a conventional form work, while making it work for matters unconventional” (1983, n.p.; see also 1961, pp. 114–5). The “conventional form” is, of course, the heterosexual marriage plot, with all its implications of subdued containment of Emma’s unruly imagination; the unconventionality is the anti-didactic implication that, though “Emma’s imagination is obviously dangerous, it is also an admirable loveable grace in a world dominated mostly by fools, knaves, and clods” (ibid.). For Paul Fry, “Emma’s unrecorded response is not really a disappointing evasion or reticence on the part of the narrator (as it is often thought to be), but a sign, rather, that at last Emma has joined Mr. Knightley and his house in exemplifying the value of appropriateness” (p. 139); for Rachel Brownstein, it is an illsory “promise of mastery over language” (p. 203).

The Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth

As matrimonial matters are being settled, Emma resolves not to reveal that Harriet purports to love Mr. Knightley. Partly on the strength of this detail, John Hagan argues that, contrary to the readings of critics such as Edgar Shannon, the changes Emma has undergone by the end of the novel do not represent a permanent and complete improvement or an attainment to perfection; Emma is written in a psychologically realist mode that does not allow for redemption to be “complete,” “full,” or static (pp. 545–6):

Now it is certainly tempting to interpret this silence on Emma’s part simply as generosity and compassion. By falling in love with Mr. Knightley, Harriet has acted foolishly, and therefore in what better way can Emma show kindness toward the girl than by at least concealing her folly from Mr. Knightley himself […]? But such an explanation oversimplifies. Emma’s own appearance in Mr. Knightley’s eyes is as much at stake as Harriet’s, and therefore her having played a part in encouraging Harriet’s infatuation establishes not only the duty of silence for Harriet’s sake, but the prudence of silence for herself. […] This is suggested partly by her thinking of her silence as a “service” (431), for that word and several others used more or less synonymously […] appeared frequently in the early chapters of the novel as an ironical commentary on the way in which Emma rationalized away the considerable element of self-interest and vanity in her seemingly benevolent concern for Harriet […]. Whenever Emma decides to perform a “service” for Harriet, these chapters forewarn us, we ought not to be too ready to accept Emma’s interpretation of her motives as the only reliable one. In fact, that “blush of sensibility” with which she greets Mr. Knightley’s praise of truth and sincerity gives her completely away.

Indeed, on the assumption that Emma's motive has been simply to protect Harriet's reputation, her decision to reveal everything to Mr. Knightley after their marriage is unintelligible: whether he is told now or later, Harriet’s image in his mind will still be tarnished. But if Emma's silence has also been prompted in large part by a desire to save her own face, then her decision makes perfect sense, for after she has secured Mr. Knightley this need not be as decisive a consideration as it was before. Presumably she will then be able to confess her sins with considerable assurance of ready absolution. Perhaps we are even to wonder whether Emma will confess at all! Is it not possibly a sly stroke of irony that Jane Austen speaks of nothing more than Emma’s intentions, and never actually tells us whether she carries them out? (pp. 549–50)

Emma’s reticence seems to be acknowledged in another famous remark that occurs towards the end of this section: “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken…” (p. 283). We may well ask with Booth: “What kind of talk is that, coming just at the moment of romantic climax?” (1983, n.p.). Critics tend to consider this a direct statement on the part of the narrator of the central concerns of the text (see for example Duckworth (pp. 161–2); Babb (p. 14)). Elizabeth Sabiston writes that “[b]oth the internal evidence of the text, and the general critical reaction to it, would seem to suggest that this statement is at the heart of Jane Austen’s vision in Emma. As Emma recognises her limitations by the end of the novel, Jane Austen seems herself to be aware that, at the end, she is still leaving many questions unanswered” (p. 40).

The section is closed by an ironic aside on Mr. Knightley: “He had found her agitated and low.—Frank Churchill was a villain.—He heard her declare that she had never loved him. Frank Churchill’s character was not desperate.—She was his own Emma, by hand  and word, when they returned into the house; as if he could have thought of Frank Churchill then, he might have deemed him a very good sort of fellow” (p. 284). This passage is commonly called up by critics who wish to emphasize that Knightley is not, as some commenters claim, a man without fault or a character at whom the irony of the text is never pointed. Bennett, for example, writes that Emma is a “satire of romances” (p. 249) in which Knightley plays a part because he, as evidenced by this quick turn-around, is “not a paragon of virtue and reason, as all heroes of romantic novels must be” (p. 250). Claudia Johnson writes that “Mr. Knightley is just as apt as Emma to misconstrue where his interest is at stake, investing his upstart rival with the extremely literary character of the heartless cad. But Frank goes from ‘villain’ to ‘not desperate’ to a ‘very good sort of fellow’ in a matter of moments as soon as Knightley learns that Emma never loved him” (p. 140).

Discussion Questions

Do you see any other moments of misunderstanding or of double meaning in this conversation?

Is Emma correct that she has always been “safe” from Mr. Churchill, or is she rewriting her own erotic history?

Does Emma really intend to tell Mr. Knightley of Harriet’s attachment? Why does she originally resolve not to?

What is the purpose of the wry asides in this section (“What did she say?…”; “Seldom, very seldom…”; “He had found her agitated…”)? To what extent, if any, do they undermine the novel’s romance?

Bibliography

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Bennett, James R. “‘Doating on You, Faults and All’: Mr. George Knightley.” Studies in the Novel 5.2 (Summer 1973), pp. 248–50.

Booth, Wayne C. “Point of View and the Control of Distance in Emma.” Nineteenth-Century Fiction 16.2 (September 1961), pp. 95–116. Repr. in The Rhetoric of Fiction. 2nd Ed. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1983, pp. 243–66.

_____. “Emma, Emma and the Question of Feminism.” Persuasions 5 (1983), pp. 29–40.

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Korba, Susan M. “‘Improper and Dangerous Distinctions’: Female Relationships and Erotic Domination in Emma,” Studies in the Novel 29.2 (1997), pp. 139–63.

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