#Bc i kinda wish i wasnt born in this world bc of my mental problems making it so hard. I dont think id ever forgive myself if

[mrfoox]

I'll probably never know if I actually don't want kids or if I'm just too scared about passing on bad genes and have them suffer and that's sad

[slythian]

I know their are people out their who wonder what its like to know what someone in certain situations think and maybe this can in someway help someone else out there someday so if you see my post please share it so it spreads out there so people can see it and hopefully learn something from the pain I go through.sorry about any terrible grammar I’ll try my best but i suck at that…I’m going to put what my are issues out their that led me to being the way I am today and share my thought on my depression and suicidal tendencies.I know two of my closest friends will see this either stop here and skip this post all together or continue to read it past here to know some of my thoughts and y'all may know parts and you may not know other parts.this is to help share my mind and my issues where even of I end up failing to continue my fight that most days I feel like I will fail at maybe this post could help others out their or give others perspective to learn from where I failed to.I know I’m putting this in place where I know my family can’t see it though and that is for my peace of mind on purpose.I know theirs alot of people on here and a lot of people do go here for fun art or sharing/try to deal with their problems maybe someone will be able to learn from where i can’t and truly find a way to continue their lives……I have what most people would consider a great life over all.I have a roof over my head,food on the table ,even family and friends that love the hell out of me,I even have a job where I make money to do things I wanna do even with paying bills.I grew up with a loving family that tought me to care with all my heart and treat everyone you can with the best respect you can manage. to live life with your heart and care about everyone. This resulted in me growing up a sarcastic dick head of a friend that most people love to have around in their lives.But I’m one of the most caring persons I know which when u care as much as I do about everyone that can lead to many issues and problems and caring as much as I do has led to many of the problems I plan to talk about here in a few. Since I love and care about people as much as i do this has the unfortunate side effect that when people have messed you over so bad you stop caring completely and or hate them someone can’t come back from that with me normally.most of my life was great and yah I didn’t really have a lot of issues surfacing and any I did just stayed buried to where they didnt effect me to much but growing up a.d.h.d. and a.d.d. and being told your bipolar always taking meds for it all kinda sucks.especially since meds never helped any growing up so always taking them kinda shurked me away from medication. I had to find the things that could help with these things and for me this things I was able to get lost in was art and drawing,music, video games,and the biggest one that always was my favorite thing above all else reading fictional books and stories with things like magic,dragons, faries ect. For me these were the escapes to help me deal with the disorders I was diagnosed with at an early age.my mom and dad were never married and wernt together really after I was born as I was born through them breaking up ironically so kinda a mistake to begin with.but both my parents didn’t live together but have always been in my life and as a kid I loved and lived with my mom and worshipped the ground my father walked on. Now I have three siblings one middle older brother on my dads side we share different moms and my oldest brother and younger sister on my moms side we all share different dads.I lived with my sibling on my moms side and barley saw my brother on my dads side.my dad tried to act like a father to me and my siblings on my moms side which growing up I have kinda realized that my father never really cared about me as much and the kids that aren’t his as he wouldnt pick me up for custody appointed times if he didnt get the other kids which is where of my problems began when I was younger always seems like noone cared about me when it really mattered and always chose other people over me including the father who I worshipped and cared about more then anything as a young child.only people I have always had that never doubted they cared about me even till an adult was my mom and my siblings looking back until these last few years.so I had the issues when younger of disorders I couldnt do much about and a father who didn’t really care about me.now wish those were all the problems I had to deal with.I was born in 1995 and until 2010 you could say my life was great overal compared to what followed but when I was really young my mom dated a guy that ended up creating my sister but was an abusive prick so had that to deal with till he went to jail few years after my sister was born in 1998 other then that was great till I was 15. so when I was 15 years old I decided I wanted do be an idiot and have the father I always worshipped go for custody of me to try and make my relationship better with everyone I currently lived with at my moms better bc during the time period of living with her she married my step dad and all which was great to an extent but always fighting with sibling step dad and mom got old I cared about them so much and hoped by moving out that things would get better.things did and didn’t bc my dad going for custody of me which was my decision even though he wanted it to I asked him to do so.things that went bad for this decision was my mom went back to stripping to help pay bills at the time for losing money to pay on the house we lived in that was going to trying to fight me moving in with my dad since my mom knew my dad was a piece of crap while I had no idea.which when she was driving after wards one night of stripping got into a wreck that crippled her for the rest of her life.I always feel responsible for her wreck and her death that followed a few hears later bc it all extended from a choice I made even if they made their owe choices to.its something I’ve always partially felt responsible for and feeling responsible for the death of your own mother takes a toll after awhile too.but she was crippled in the sense of everything from the neck down she couldnt use right and she couldnt live and survive on her own after that.I went to live with my dad seeing her for custody appointed times after that.for the following three years thats how my life went….going to school living with my dad and seeing my mom on weekends after a decision I made costed her most of her life after that point ever being the same.I know that its not entirely my fault but still always have felt I share some blame for it all too.my dad actually turned out to be the kind of dad whose their your entire life but really doesnt care about you at all just what he gets out of the equation of you being alive and me living with him meant he didnt pay child support anymore.I learned what type of person he was those following three years.my middle brother whose older then me lived with us for awhile till my father put his hands on him and that’s not okay after what I had gone through when I was younger.two of my biggest pet peeves in this world is never cheat on a person and never lay your hands on a women or children both are destructive as hell one is physical abuse and the other is more mental abuse but both can fuck you up so much more then almost anything else.this was when I started learning who my father really was and things got worse after that.. my father ended up stopping me from seeing my mom for weeks at a time when she was sapposed to have me for weekends and stuff which costed me alot of time with her the last few month of her life in 2013.my mom ended up passing away right before I turned 18 and graduated high school bc of complications from a nursing home she was in at this point.after losing time with my mom I moved out of my dads.at the point we had her funeral I learned that she had tried to kill herself twice few months before she passed away and had written me and her other two kids suicide notes and to this day I carry the note I was written by my mom in my wallet everywhere I go.this was my second time facing these types of situations as when I was young family friend commited suicide.so at first my main perspective on suicide was the same as most people out their. That suicide is idoitic,selfish,a cowards way out,a way to hurt those around you,a lot of wrong opinions.when I found out my mom had tried to do so my maine opinions were even though I missed her even if she had done so I couldnt bla.e her for the way her life was at that point I had a different view on suicide which had changed my earlier views on it all to thinking sometimes people dont see another way out all you can do is accept that they did what they decided to do.since then when my mom died my world was turned to he’ll since then my life to me has slowly gotten worse and worse for the last 5 years to now 2018. I had lived with my step dad and sister afyer moving out of my dads and at a certain point in time everything with my mom just started destroying me along with the loss of my grandmother I lost 3 months before my mom.my biggest fear I have learned are loosing the people closest to me to death. It absolutely destroyed me and I havnt been able to heal from any of them can’t deal with pain a big part of how much I care adds to the fact that the loss on the end side is so extreme I cant handle it.so in 2013 I had lost both my grandmother and my mom.fast forward to half way through 2017 I ended up looking both my grandfathers to cancer which messed me up a lot more then I was already while never being able to deal with the previous losses.I ended up being to messed up to deal with life itself I didn’t even know what was happening to me at all to begin with except I was fucked up in the head and wasnt able to feel anything but pain anymore after dealing with everything I have including being abondened at the time by some of the people that meant the most to me since at the time my brothers and sisters wernt talking to me and my step dad had left me to live in his house by himself and my sister went to live with our older brother I had felt abandoned by every one I cared about.it turns out that I have depression and anxiety just having been diagnosed with it recently along with being suicidal when I tried to kill myself by downing a bottle of pills a year ago.I had really good friends ive fucked up everything I used to have with and others I barley saved a friendship with.even if they probably are better of in the end without me around from my point of view.I just dont see why people decide to deal with me a depressive and suicidal problematic person even if they decide to stupidly care. it turns out that depression and anxiety effect everything within your mind from how things effect you to how your brain can interpret things and makes your brain tell you lies like noone cares about you when clearly people do but you can’t run from whats in your own mind so you start to believe the lies that your own mind is telling you.you start to believe that the only escape from the pain is to end your life especially when nothing makes you happy anymore and everything in you life you used to enjoy you can’t enjoy anymore.nothing seems to have any impact but to make you miserable. Your brains tricks you and a lot of people can get help with this.you can talk to people wether a professional or just friends and family..try taking pills that are prescribed by a doctor for depression or anxiety and sometimes that can help for some people like me no matter what I have done nothing does any good for me it has no impact for me.the thing that sucks the most is the day I gave up on life and decides to commit suicide I failed which meant I had to live with the consequences of my actions including the suicide notes I left to friends and family in some cases I almost lost friendships bc of decisions I made and words I put in those letters and thankfully I still have that person in my life but I almost ended that by being stubborn and stupid for feeling things and not keeping it to myself.their are some things though no matter what you do you can't get rid of feeling things for certain people you either learn to live with it being their or hid it from the people who dont want to know its there at all.that's what I deal with now for three people who have mattered the most to me in a different way then everyone else.the biggest thing I have to live with as long as I still do live is the fact the day I decided to kill myself I gave up being their for my younger sister which destroyed her and I have to now deal with the pain I caused the people I love by being me.I always no matyer what others tell me feel like I’m a problem in everyone’s lifes and in the end just hurt the people I care about.but the sad thing is it has been true but the people that care about me have still tried to be their for me even though I think in the end its just a waste of time for those who care about me bc I feel like in the end I’m just going to keep failing everyone around me.the people who love you and are around will tell you your not a failure and you won’t fail.I won’t tell you this since it may not help.the thing from someone in the headset of being exactly here is you may feel the same way I do try your best to find a reason to live for be it a person a hobby an animal if these things work for you find what helps.my problem is nothing helps me even in my situation I’m still fighting to try that’s all anyone can ask for even if you fail in the end you at least tried don’t let anyone make you feel bad for trying to fight.that’s all I will promise anyone anymore not that I wont fail but that I will do my best even if its not good enough in the end.I care and love everyone in my life but the problem is the pain is great and in most cases to much for me to handle pain from withing your own mind is a pain that’s different then any other kind I will always try and I hope everyone out there will try their best but everyones best is of different levels so is everyone’s ability to deal with levels of pain. I try evsrything I used to enjoy and even tried new things nothing really works hopefully I will find something that does something for me but I’m not really sure its possible to be fixed when you are to broken to heal but who knows either one day ill find a way or ill be gone either way that’s life just try to fight to survive no matter who you are out their that’s all I ask from someone who is their themselves is to try.its not selfish to fail but its selfish not to try at all. I dont know if this will ever help someone else but its a chance it will this is my story and I’m still living it at this moment in time. ✌😸✌September 17 2018