#Blegh.

[caputvulpinum]

hey friend are you okay? you seem a bit angry at random small things lately ❤️ when i feel like that it’s usually a sign that i’m not feeling well ❤️ /genuine

I've had a nearly nonstop migraine for over a week and my internet which I pay to have 500mbps has been at 80mbps and its taken me 2 weeks to get a response from my ISP about it because they laid off like 10,000 people at the start of the month and I've got blisters on my feet because I've been walking out of gait because with weather patterns changing my chronic injuries in my legs are acting up and I'm frustrated at my perceived lack of improvement in art and I'm counting days until my partner comes to visit me from overseas and I'm stressed about finances because I'm juggling rent tuition loans and food on top of STILL needing to buy necessities for my new apartment and I just.

I could handle it all if it weren't for the migraines, honestly. I've never had one last so long. I don't know what started it but I'm sick of it.

[grimweathers]

i think if there were some kind of mystical sci-fi ish device that prevented my mother from making a negative comment(s) about my appearance every time we saw each other, something inside her would implode and then wither away

[electricpurrs]

seeing everything going on with toonanimal is disgusting and disturbing but at least i hope that works to prove that maybe, yknow, people are justified in being wary of "proshippers'' when this is the shit that ends up happening. who wouldve thought one of them would end up just being an actual pedophile! couldnt see that coming

[starswallowingsea]

62 pulls and no niki yet... he is so mean to me...

[tymptir]

guess who's working on a new Carrd . . . I already regret every decision I've ever made. hah.

but yeah, I'll be quietly lurking for a few hours before going back into my inbox and drafts. I also gotta do my regular job on the sidelines, so that's just rude and distracting. fingers crossed that Carrd won't drive me crazy.

[aeide-thea]

deeply frustrated and disappointed to realize how much of the way i interact with Baby Sister is actually about my own stasis and shame

like a lot of it is very tiny things and none of it is maliciously intended and most of it doesn’t seem to bother her particularly (though i could be wrong about that!), but like, when i think to myself, okay, what was my, like, perlocutionary aim in saying/doing this, so often it’s like. partially about trying to reestablish a sense of intimacy, which is fine, but then also partially, if you dig down a little more, about, like, angling for dominance in some domain i don’t even think is that valuable—if i thought it were, i wouldn’t tease her about it! i love her and spend a lot of time trying to tell her how excellent she is!—in an attempt to reassure myself that i’m not a *totally* worthless piece of shit. except that of course what if anything really makes me a piece of shit is behaving like this!

and then there’s also the aspect i blogged about earlier, where like, i find ways that she’s distanced herself from the version of her i’m more familiar with to be alienating and/or threatening, especially when her old habits were more comfortable or congenial for me than her new ones, and react to that alteration in a variety of ways i’m not proud of, because i can’t help perceiving it as both a rejection of me and inherently a demand that i set aside my own preferences in favor of her new and improved ones, because i don’t actually understand how to compromise, just how to crumple

and of course none of this self-scrutiny is even all that useful, because it doesn’t really suggest to me any obvious ways to behave better in the moment, going forward—it just leaves me feeling like, ‘okay, all my instincts about how to behave socially are wrong, cool, love that for me,’ which is both unhelpful and reminiscent of a lifetime of adhd trauma in a frankly triggering way!

(also like. minor addendum left over from the other day, but: very extremely do not love being told that i’m being ‘aggressive’ about something when i (a) genuinely don’t mean to be, but also and more importantly, (b) can’t, even on later reflection, see that i was. like what do you even do with that feedback!! it’s not actionable without more specificity!! not to mention that tbh i have no way of knowing if i was objectively behaving badly or if something abt the intensity of my engagement with the (totally innocuous) topic up for debate was just, like, triggering for her? which, dgmw, i would still want to try and accommodate, but in that case i’d appreciate not having the dynamic framed as though the problem objectively lies with me, instead of somewhere in the space between us?)

[metalgearsolidmpreg]

my cat got a urinary blockage this morning and could have died over the weekend if i didnt drive 5 hours to an emergency vet today

[straydogged]

okay I forced myself to brush my teeth, thoroughly wash my face, brush + braid my hair, do a wet wipe bird bath, and change clothes. I still feel kind of shitty but at least I'm. sort of clean.

[lenny-zesty]

taking the ACT today, wish me luck fellas :)

[dazzlerazz]

I do enjoy a difficult boss fight but what I do not enjoy is a boss fight so difficult that even to my best of my abilities I can't beat and then I can't access the rest of the content, but I don't wanna watch a synopsis because if I own the fucking game I can just get through it right?

It's a never ending cycle of feeling defeated and not having fun. I enjoy it when it's not easy, I want something difficult, but when it surpasses difficult and then into "impossible by someone who isn't extremely dedicated or just gets lucky" then we get into territory that's a slog for the simple reason of being a slog, where all the fun to be had is to play thr same thing other and over, the same voiced lines again and again, the same arena, the same "only this damage can hurt the boss" the same gimmicks, the repetition, repetition, repetition. It's not just a mood killer, it's a killer of the statement "I like this game"

[superchat]

Its fucking insane to me that one of the most basic, bare bones, means of traversal we have is walking and yet we are living in a system that is constantly fighting against that

[rowan-ashtree]

i would love to not be sick rn. where did this even come from

[myths-tournaments]

hi!!! gayest-classiclit here. just to establish myself

anyways i heard you were having trouble with edmund? i found this pic off the RSC website so if he does win his poll, you can use it if you so wish?

(anyways to the uh. tumblrinas. edmund sweep)

have a great day! :D

YES this works thank you!! if he gets past this round I'll use this picture going forwards 🫡

[microsuedemouse]

well. it looks like I will be retiring the tall nerd crush tag. somehow he caught wind of it (I have one or two thoughts how, but it’s really not important), and sent me a message to gently let me know that he isn’t interested in anything beyond being friendly at work.

which! is fine! in spite of how silly I can get when I have a crush, historically I get over them pretty quickly if I learn the other person isn’t interested, or is otherwise spoken for. it’s a small blessing. I definitely feel like a fool rn, and probably will for a few days, but then I’ll purge it from my system and move on with, at worst, a bit of a soft spot left for him.

I’ll just. go back to feeling kinda lonely without anyone in particular to pine about. which is not my favourite place to be, but it’s okay. that’s just life sometimes.

I think the main thing that stings a bit is that he specified preferring to stay friendly at work. bc I had been really sincerely hoping that if nothing else, we might be able to make friends outside of that context. I still just don’t really have anyone locally to spend time with. and obviously I respect if people aren’t into being pals beyond work! lots of folks just aren’t really looking for new people in their lives. but it’s still a bummer.

///edit: I let him know it was absolutely something I could get over, that I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or mess with our work dynamic, and that nothing I’ve ever said hinged on the feelings I had - I appreciate him as a person regardless of how close we are. his response was ‘Sensational! I'm happy to hear we're on the same page’ - which I’m def taking as positive. it’s nice not to have to wonder whether things are kosher between us. still definitely bummed, and it’ll probably take a few days to purge from my system, but it’s life. it’s survivable.

[corallapis]

maybe i should start. tagging all the dw stuff properly. with a tag system. and everything.

[aeide-thea]

pathetic of me but this thing where ~my houseguests~ keep just disappearing off to bed at the end of the evening without ever explicitly saying goodnight, leaving me to go, oh, uh, okay, i see they shut the door on me, guess they’re Done…? does make me feel bad, lol