#Borisbubbles

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #02 & #01 (Finale)

02. CZECHIA Vesna - "My sister's crown" 10th place

Decade ranking: 5/116 [Above Daði Freyr, below Käärijä]

Finland over Czechia seems like a no-brainer. Some midcarding bitches vs ~K*Ä*Ä*R*I*J*Ä~ come on, how hard can it be? Who is Czechia even for?!

ME, motherfucker. This entry is for ME, and FOR ME ALONE!!! and since this is MY ranking, that made the decision very difficult. It took me MONTHS to settle who to put at the top.

Vesna are often cited as one of the more overrated acts in the year. Overrated by whom? Who overrates Vesna? Isn't 10th a correct placement? i've met NO ONE who would even consider putting them as high as second? - and I obv don't count since it took me AN ETERITY to out myself as a Vesna stan!!

I'd counter that Czechia are THE MOST UNDERRATED by the fandom (not by placement - that is Slovenia, as always) and absolutely deserved all the good things that happened to them ^_^

So obviously, there are multiple factors at work here. The song is a fantastic earworm. Like, defo one of the best in the year? In terms of sheer replayability, "My Sister's Crown" is on the same level as "Edgar" (studio only :-/) and "Carpe Diem", and you know how much I value those. The song has four languages (including Bulgarian) and none of them clash. The lyrics are quotable and fun. This is a track with ATTITUDE and ZEST, that managed to criticize the war in Ukraine without beating us over the head with it via a poorly hidden, clumsily written political message. The song is SMART, and respects its listeners.

LOVE'S NOT A MONEY BAG BLOOD'S ON YOUR GOD'S HANDS YOU CANNOT STEAL OUR SOULS

However, going into the year, there were issues - Vesna were messy and dissonant, and the six girls often gave the impression of competing against each other for attention. They were not a UNIT. Although "My Sister's Crown" was always one of the best songs, many (including myself!) were sceptical it could come together.

And it did, spectacularly.

See, one of the things about this year is that the good performances and good songs were often mismatched. Albania, Estonia and Poland had great on-stage glam-ups, but they were severely hampered by the songs being what they were. Other countries such as France and Austria had good songs, but required really good acts to tie them together, and failed or, in case of say UK, has good acts that were performed badly.

If you made a Venn Diagram between the best songs and the biggest growers, there wouldn't be much overlap. Except for Czechia.

To quote Matteo Lane's pearl of wisdom; if there's only ONE GAY, everything gets done! Ahmad Malloun was the One Gay and channeled his bossbottom energy to fuss Vesna into shape. Suddenly, the girls were harmonious and disciplined and that made all the difference. Suddenly, Czechia had an act with a clear vision - Six women united visually through their outfits. Vesna had become a UNIT, united through sisterhood.

SESTRO KRASIVA OI TI SILYNA HOROBRA JEDINA KORONA TVOJA

It really doesn't get mentioned nearly often enough how amazing the Czech staging was. Sure, Loreen and Käärijä, both top notch. But this is my personal favourite of the bunch. It's a visually stunning, avant garde act that fits the music, that fits the thematics, that pulls you in and tells a story without overtly complicating matters. They start as a group of angry hexaplets and then burst into joyful sororian rapture at the end. The staging is both aesthetically pleasing and intuitive. They hit the gold standard for acts that everyone should try to strive for!!

There are times where I wonder whether I really should rank Vesna above Käärijä. My Sister's Crown fully morphed into a me-coded entry. And perhaps, if and when I watch 2023 again, I may do exactly that. For now though, I've decided against it. The argument for Finland is less complicated, so I went with that. And now for the winner of this ranking I am sure NOBODY saw coming ever:

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01. FINLAND Käärijä - "Cha Cha Cha" 2nd place

Decade ranking: 4/116 [Above Vesna, below Chanel]

It's Käärijä, bitch.

I rest my case for ranking Finland first. I don't think anyone argues this as invalid? Good, let's pick it all apart because if there's anything Käärijä deserves, it is being talked about. 😉

So um, where to start? Maybe it's best to start with the song - "Cha Cha Cha" was that rare 1-in-500 entry. I always say that novelty always tends to become stale over time - once in a blue moon however, it endures. "Cha Cha Cha" is a novelty song that is also an excellent song in its own right, and it stil holds up very well. It's a fun song to listen to, even without all the circus and theatrics.

The circus and theatrics though, omg <3 Talk about a DELECTABLE act, once again. This is yet again an example of how staging compliments the song and makes it digestible. Cha Cha Cha is entirely in Finnish with only a few loan words tossed in - difficult to get into on paper. The staging however, brings the plot points home.

The song's about wanting to overcome anxieties to dance? So break from the crates

Confront the inner Dance Demons that harass your psyche

make your way to the dancefloor while dodging decapitation via errant wires.

and then, when you overcome all fears transition to that godly, campy key chance, ride your them, having overcome your inhibitions.

AND I GALLAVANT ON THE FLOOR LIKE A CHA CHA CHA AND MY ANXIETIES HAVE NO GRIP ON ME NO MORE

The act is BRILLIANT. The ballroom dancers with their creepy pearly-whites, the dorkopotamus choreography, the styling, the overwhelming sense of triumph once the key change hits... It's the same deal as Vesna and Loreen, just a handful of visual cues that visualize the song's themes (anxiety, rather than sisterhood or desolation) are easy to understand and don't further complicate matters. THIS is how it's done. This is how you Eurovision.

The magical ingredient that tied it all together was the man, the dad bod, the bolero himself - Käärijä. Talk about a personality so massive everything gravitated towards him. It's hard to put the extent of his likeability into words - he's just so disarmingly himself. The key here is that Käärijä doesn't see himself as anything special. To him, he's just "boy from Vantaa who likes queen Loreen". He's just self-aware enough to realize the effect he has on others, but not self-aware enough to understand what exactly endears him to so many people. So when Käärijä plays up for funsies, he magnifies all aspects of his personality which makes him... even more endearing. 😍

(it's the same magic dust that has people flock to Baby Lasagna this year, really.)

It's rare to have a contestant who managed to completely warp the meta around him to this extent. It's even more rare that the contestant in this position then loses the competition. I remember telling my friend André, who was behind on NF news, that Käärijä had won UMK, and he replied with an innocuous "great, I haven't been this excited for a contestant since Verka!". I think I realize in that moment, that was to be Käärijä's destiny. Verka was the Hot Favourite in their year, the breakout star of 2007 - and Verka placed second to a more competent entry (Molitva <3). It was in that moment that I knew that Käärijä's inevitable fate was to come second to Loreen.

And I feel like, we all knew deep down that was where we were headed. We all wanted Käärijä to win as much as we did, because we knew that he would not. He was blissfully cruising towards a loss, and that was too much of an injustice to accept it and not manifest a reality where he beats Sweden.

It even got to a point where some people are now retroactively trying push the notion Tattoo is better than Euphoria (that statement is more offensive than anything I've ever commited to print or speech, including the one time I called Lesley Roy frumpy on cam <3) and the best entry ever (excuse you?) largely because it beat Cha Cha Cha.

So if Käärijä is this great, then why the doubt? Why only fourth for the decade (for the moment)?

Well, it's same deal as Cornelia for me. The best live of Cha Cha Cha that we received was the first one, at UMK, and every other performance we've had since then was not as good. The one in Eurovision had terrible vocals and slightly less impressive staging compared to UMK. I know right? The ESC staging did MORE and yet accomplished LESS. They got rid of all the wrestling references? Where's the close-up at the end? The arena? THE LIFT?

Sure, these inaccuracies didn't detract from my personal enjoyment of Cha Cha Cha. They however did allow for Käärijä to fall behind far enough behind Loreen in the jury vote so that he could no longer catch up with her in the televote, like a death by a thousand paper cuts.

It was a great live, but it wasn't great enough to win. Eurovision Käärijä was not Käärijä at his best, while Vesna without question gave their best performance in the Grand Final. Hence my doubts.

However, I ultimately went with Käärijä anyway because he did something Vesna could not - he gave a concert in my city, and I attended. HE MADE ME LEAVE THE HOUSE AFTER DARK. And god, if you've not been to a Käârijä gig before, absolutely fucking go if you're able to - IT'S CRAZY IT'S PARTY is the perfect catchphrase for this hyperactive, sexually amorphous, adorkable gremlin.

He was his unadulterated self, slapping his belly only vaguely aware of his sex appeal, swooning over a group of Slovene attendees because they reminded him of The Love Of His Life Bojan Cveticanin, ripping one of his merch t-shirts in half and then wearing it as a jacket, airdiving a wayward balloon that floated its way on the stage. The music was also excellent. Exposed to to the FULL scope of Käärijäness, made all the good memories of the 2023 preshow flow back, how could I not rank him anywhere other than first? Maybe I will change my mind and rank Vesna first in a few years from now, but for now, let's savour him while he's still fresh in our minds.

REMINDER THAT THE 2024 ROSTER IS GREAT LARGELY THANKS TO KÄÄRIJÄ.

REMINDER THAT HE WOULD SO WIN ANY FUTURE EUROVISION IF HE WANTED TO:

(May I just name this as my fave song from the 2024 nf season MAY I????*)

He WAS 2023. He WAS Eurovision.

He may have lost the contest, but he has won life. (and paid his taxes.)

ALL RISE FOR THE BEST ACT OF 2023!

The RANKING (completed)

"Novo, Bolje" was my fave 2024 NF also-ran. Obv.

ADDENDUM: ABOUT ESC2024

Yeah, obviously i'm not going to do a pre-show ranking. With all the poison and controversy going on, it's just not the right time. I delayed this ranking specificially so that I wouldn't be temped to do the 2024 one later. (Unlike a certain broadcasting institution, I possess a modest amount of insight, foresight and self-awareness. 🙂 )

Hopefully, ESC 2024 goes down without too many incidents, and I'll able to start my post-show ranking the week after the Grand Final.

See you there, hopefully, if Eurovision isn't dead and buried by then! 💚

[yanderes-galore]

If you're looking for help writing Vivienne Dragon Age, can I suggest this post? It's a lot and it's been a while since I played the game, but I think this person makes a lot of good points.

https://www.tumblr.com/borisbubbles/639349334270410752/character-analysis-vivienne-de-fer-dragon-age

Ngl I wished she was romanceable when I played a mage with internalized magephobia 🙃 That is not healthy but neither is yandere so I feel okay admitting that here 😅

Alright, I'll look into it at some point.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Bulgaria brings a mentally reassuring anthem to Rotterdam 2021

I’ve said so that VICTORIA herself sort of agreed to have done “Tears Getting Sober” if she was allowed to, but for one I have to thank that EBU said that the artists can’t have their 2020 songs back? You’ll see why when I get to the review after two boring paragraphs of text with technical info, for the country that is Bulgaria!

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

Victoria Georgieva (or VICTORIA, but I can’t be arsed to continuously capitalize her name so I’ll just say Victoria from now on) was born a singer, for she started to sing at the age 11, went to a specific school of angel voices (no really that’s what it was called), and tried to go to the X Factor while a liiiiiittle too young until realizing that she needed to wait for a few years, and wait a few years she did, and went on to the X Factor again.

She didn’t win, but she still got to sign a contract and sing some stuff in Bulgarian before she decided to rebrand, started singing in English, and completely decided that ballads is her style. She cannot really do upbeat most of the time. So you can’t really have a bop from her in the future. (Well except that there’s a couple of songs in her discography that I personally classify as “bops” but they’re more like... idek sad bops?? but they can be danced to, but I get her, she doesn’t do anything that’s more loud and upbeat and clubby and summery kind of - in short, nothing you can go “YAAASSSS QUEEEEEN” over to.)

The entry she ended up singing, “Growing Up Is Getting Old”, is what I can describe to be about overcoming the emotional twists and turns inside of you as you grow older, because as it turns out, it ain’t what you thought it would be - but if you push just a little further, you realize that if you’re growing up, maybe the life isn’t so bad, afterall - you are able to get up. Somehow. It was written as part of Boris-Milanov-led songwriting camp held during summer, and a lot of people seemed to be a part of it because multiple different folk have songwriting credits on the potential Bulgarian entries this year.

REVIEW

Let’s get this out of the way immediately. I prefer “Growing Up Is Getting Old” to “Tears Getting Sober”. The former sounds a lot less irritatingly underwhelming and a lot more positively overwhelming you with warm emotions and sunglow. “Tears Getting Sober” was a song I could never really connect with - maaaaybe the last chorus is much better on there, but it doesn’t do much for me either, I guess.

Their 2021 forray however is a much different kind of thing - once again, going for lyrical non-cliches, Victoria tells a tale about her inner turmoils and continuing in life, in a way that’s personal to her and also kind of relatable to all of us. We all have these moments of fear and anxiety and nervous systems aching. If only there was someone who’d tell us that we’re worth saving... thanks a lot Victoria, you’re the MVP. Filling in the void that Netherlands from last year had brought us but not anymore - another personal song about getting old and having those kind of feelings inside - and doing a great job at taking the baton in the right way (even with featuring the word “grow” in both of the titles, neat coincidence).

Not only the lyrics feel like a hug, the song just emulates ray of sunshine and golden glitter coming down from the sky, Molly Sanden style. The violins in the G major key playing so precisely, building up momentum throughout the entire song, slowly but surely - starting with the ticking clock in the first verse that may have subtle violin in there; and the first chorus is just so simple piano, and then the second chorus has a tinge of electronic something, and the last chorus goes full in with the backing vocals boosting the song, after Victoria performs the quite magnificent bridge... now I don’t have synesthesia but I associate music keys with colors, and to me G major would always come across as something yellow or orange - “Growing Up Is Getting Old” is a perfect example of why’s that for me. And obviously, Victoria’s love for harmony-humming (even if there’s just one instance of it after she sings “star crossed soul”) complements the song to a T.

And it turned out to be a much better choice than last year’s. Maybe finally a female ballad I am getting behind.

Now I wanna know why the bookies don’t appreciate THIS entry as much as last year?

Granted, now it’s 2021 and the environment is so much different, and the songs have changed, and the dynamics have changed, and now there’s suddenly more competition at stake. And for Bulgaria it fares quite much more underwhelmingly - well, at this moment they’re like 6th, which isn’t bad, but there’s a lack of sung praises coming its way, not quite a feat that “Tears Getting Sober” actually achieved, being the bookies fave right before the cancellation of last year. In general the year has been pretty dry for the previous winner picks like Iceland, Lithuania and this, but I can’t say that the previous winner bets from 2020 are all that dead either? Though I gotta say that Bulgaria wasn’t gonna win 2020 anyway, so it’s a lose-lose in this case.

Also I just can’t at that music video being a little dramatic at the beginning, with the cancellation of Eurovision being presented as if it were a worldwide disaster during which we all shall lock ourselves into bunkers and wait until the better days, eventhough the panini is not war and war supplies kit is not just enough to survive it. But it seems like that the world is quite literally falling apart, as evidenced by Victoria going through all kinds of pathways away from her living room, meeting a  (presumably) mini version of her somewhere in between, and literally surrounded by the shaking environment by the last moments of the song

before we realize it was just reality recursing from the TV’s point of view that Victoria was watching all along, and then she leaves the living room again, but in her world, everything is normal and she could just go wherever she wants by car. Even I can’t come up with a storyline ending that’s somewhat intertwined and all plot-twisty and more confusing than that. But props to her team I guess

Approval factor: Let’s say I somewhat approve this message. Follow-up factor: For the sake of argument let me just say that Bulgaria is moving on a great path, eventhough the former entry leaves me cold, at least the current entry keeps me warm at all times, like a cup of cocoa and a good blanket. Please Bulgaria, never run out of sponsors. Qualification factor: I’ve seen one or two people throw around the “surprise NQ” tag for this song and I don’t get why??? There’s no way that the tense atmosphere of semifinal 2 would sure-fire-ly kill Bulgaria, even if they have a lot less chances to win this year than they had the last one. There can be some shock NQs indeed though, and if there are, I am paging... uhhhhh Finland? Idk why but you might see what I mean if I ever get around to reviewing “Dark Side”. Bulgaria? Never. It may not win the semi but it will cradle around the top 7 somehow.

INTERNAL NF CORNER

That’s right, Bulgaria managed to do both.

At the time when one other of Bulgaria’s songs got released, within the *Special* Eurovision September 1st-onwards range, people naturally succumbed to their primal instinct of asking whether that’s her Eurovision song... only for Vic to probably announce this early on that no, it’s just *one* of potential ESC entries she’s harbouring. And the remaining potential ones were all on her debut EP. Who actually got a more well-orchestrated schedule for everyone to follow, and yet, people were much more keen to cling on the first EP song out of the gate, “Imaginary Friend”. Now I get that the fans of that song were super upset at the revelation that IF is not going, but it is a technically strong song for the sake of being a technically strong song, and I don’t want to think that Victoria is only forced to choose the songs that can win for her, so she’s such a sweetheart for gravitating towards a song she could dearly care about. So props to her team saving the initial winner for last to be revealed, lol.

Though wasn’t her personal favourite a Billie-Eilish-lite-upbeat-kinda-track Phantom Pain?

Which was also my personal favourite?

Look, I know that favouring the only non-ballad in the whole lineup (well “Ugly Cry” is also not quite a ballad but its beat is kinda so-so, so I tend to ignore it) is kinda sus, also, y’all are sick to death to Billie Eilish comparisons, but I do believe that Billie would never be able to do an “Imaginary Friend” while Victoria could do a “Lovely”. This makes me remember the cover art of Billie’s debut album where she sits on her bed, dressed in white, and so is Victoria on this very MV, with strange shit going on behind her in the mirror. To the mirror, her reflection acts creepy, back again.

The other 2 I don’t feel like caring about enough, sure they got their cred, sure there’s one entry properly crediting Milanov (who seems to not have an actual entry this year that’s purely attributed to *him*, as opposed to 3 last year, 2 of which were performed by acts that returned this year????), sure there’s the funny thing about having a funeral song where out of this and Finland only Austria managed to send a quote unquote “funeral” song, but I think the funeral song would’ve sounded better if the pre-section of it on the “Phantom Pain” video was THE “funeral” song itself, and not whatever was that other funeral song.

In between there was a public sort of survey where people could submit feedback and positive words to Vic’s choices to help her decide - I didn’t get to vote but I feel fine with the winner eitherway, and that counts for something! And the end result was revealed at the very end of Victoria’s very own rooftop concert.

The colors on the circle thingy of this, they were meant to symbolize all Bulgarian entries up to Victoria’s 2nd one, in pictograms that kind of reminded me of Coldplay attributing every song on ‘Mylo Xyloto’ its own little symbol.

The concert was not only full of music and also adverts for the inaugural sponsor iCard (that also included some element of foreshadow in between the suspense, you’ll see why), but also the Bulgarian folk talking before each song, saying all the positive nice words they can for Vic; that she’s talented, and that they were so excited that Bulgaria was doing well in the odds last year prior to cancellation, bla bla bla... also some people were proud of voting for Bulgaria outside Bulgaia, and they made puns about the forthcoming songs on the concert that they were introducing, and so on, and there was also someone called Dara, whom I really want to be sent by Bulgaria one day to show off that they’re not afraid of doing trashy-esque bops that don’t necessarily win

Also they reminded me that Lucy from No Angels (aka the sole reason Bulgaria 12′d Germany in 2008) still exists.

Also Azis.

There was also an intermission where Eurovision 2021 acts could say all the nice words to Victoria on their own part. And several artists chose to... how shall I put it... use up their several seconds rather interestingly. Like how The Roop would say something real quick only to delve into more of their usual “let’s dance, let’s discoteque! *hand scissors* ;P” self-promo, and Senhit carelessly being allowed to say whatever she wants in Italian without subtitles <3 Sorry sis, they’re only given to people from another white-green-red flag-color country.

About the iCard foreshadow... so there’s their advert about Victoria waiting in the line to get something in the Soft Vocals Store, and people ahead of her giving her money the standard oldfashioned way, and the old lady at the counter is... slow, to say the least. After a good amount of time spent waffling around, Victoria finally pulls out the iCard application and pays for the imaginary items she wants, then narrates some stuff about said application, and a Eurovision entry of hers plays when the old lady is at home, spending time in front of TV enjoying the music. Before the concert, the song that played was “Tears Getting Sober”. The advert played once more before Victoria’s big entry decision and entry MV reveal, and in place of the 2020 entry, “Growing Up Is Getting Old” was the one that sounded out loud... Now you may think that there were attempts at some sort of spoilage here, but after that ad before the concert EP NF result, there was this other advert starring Victoria that played “Imaginary Friend” at the end, a last-ditch effort to trick viewers into going “see? just because that ad played the chosen song doesn’t mean it’s the chosen song!! this song could as well be a chosen song as well!!” yeah no shut up GUIGO IS the chosen song kthxbyebye.

ANY LAST WORDS?

Having said all that praise, I actually have “Growing Up Is Getting Old” fairly low on my ranking. It’s just because the year is so damn good and I have a lot more songs to care about more than this, but I appreciate the gesture that this singer is sending very much. Good luck on your road to conquer Europe, Victory-ia, I’m sure you get the best of the experience and all, because you would deserve it.

[des-idk]

every day i wake up and go to @/borisbubbles to see him update his funny little eurovision ranking and i’m living for it

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: #06 & #05

06. SWEDEN Loreen - "Tattoo" 1st place

Decade Ranking: 19/116 [above Halo, below Adrenalina]

Alright, fine, we've arrived at Loreen. There are plenty of conflicting emotions swirling around in my head, but overall, yeah, you know how I feel about her. It hasn't changed. She's very good, but I'm not obsessed with her. This is where those entries rank.

Let's tackle the elephant in the room: Tattoo is a good song and a boring, uninspiring winner. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Loreen's victory was determined the second she won Melfest, by default. It was unsatisfactory for two reasons:

(1) The moment Loreen was picked the casuals that remembered "Euphoria" immediately started praising her while ignoring everyone else, and this of course snowballed into the biggest jury coronation since Salvador. Lol that the same casuals that were obsessed with Tattoo preshow became upset when she beat Käärijä. What else did you think was going to happen? it was YOU who kept touting her as the best without giving as much as dismissive look at her competition, of course the Eye of Sauron was fixated on her and no one else.

(2) Käärijä. For better or for worse, this year will be remembered as the year Cha Cha Cha was robbed by the juries for the sake of Sweden. Käärijä was not without his own set of problems which directly led to his demise (which we'll tackle when we get to him because this post is about Loreen), but he WAS the year and it was his loss specifically that left a bad aftertaste in many mouths. It's always better when the underdog beats the overdog, and not the other way around.

Once the dust settled, everyone pledged fealty to the crazyparty Fin while "Tattoo" was quickly replaced as the basic gay anthem by "Padam Padam".

However, neither of those things are particularly Loreen's fault?

What I can ascertain is that Tattoo is not Euphoria, obviously. A lot of the love for Tattoo was spillover Euphoria nostalgia. That's fine, but I meant their thematic differences went understated - Euphoria was an ode to the eternity of love, while Tattoo specifically is about the love fracturing apart and Loreen's inabilty to move on - in other words "Euphoria" was a victory, while "Tattoo" always felt like more of a defeat. It's a subtle difference, but one that should always lead to Euphoria being ranked AHEAD of Tattoo, jesus christ ESC250 voters.

However, this is still Loreen, and a lesser Loreen is still lowkey epic. Eventhough "Tattoo" is probably the least good Loreen song, (technically because it's a Cazzi Opeia song with a Loreen sound - "You're stuck on me like a tatoo-oo-oo that is a Cazzi hook if ever there was), it is still a good song. Loreen proved although she's now at an age where her memory is starting to fail her, forgetting essentials such as clipping her fingernails and paying her taxes, she still has the attitude and flat stomach of a cougar ready to pounce. All credits for Tattoo's successes belong to her, SJB and no one else.

And, not unimportantly in a audio-visual medium such as Eurovision, Tattoo also looked really good on the stage. It had A Vision, which is what every winner needs nowadays. Again, the staging is great but also... not that grat lol - it's not the best staging ever. It's not better than Euphoria's or even Vesna's that we'll talk about later. Nevertheless, the song was beautifully framed under the confined space of that impromptu photocopier and Loreen's choreography. The staging was dynamic, artistic and gave the impression real stakes were involved. It Understood The Assignment. It made the song *pop*.

I specifically really LOVE the wide shot during the bridge that really anchors the devastation and desolation she sings about.

It's one of those money shots linger in your mind after the song has ended.

So overall, yeah, Loreen is not my winner or even a top fiver for me, but oh well, whatever? She was a dull winner compared to Käärijä but not an undeserving one. She's still a solid eight-and-a-half out of ten. She alone provided the triple threat of Good composition, Stunning Act and Killer Execution, so ofc juries flocked to her if they're instructed to assess the overal package. If you still think they robbed Käärijä (they did not.) remember that Loreen was solidly second in nearly every televote behind him. If he were destined to always lose Eurovision 2023 like I now believe he was, it's definitely only Loreen who should have taken the W here.

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05. AUSTRALIA Voyager - "Promise" 9th place

Decade Ranking: 17/116 [Above Adrenalina, below Manizha]

Sometimes the reason is "I like music." Many were surprised Voyager came top 10, but not I. To repeat a common question one final time:

HAVE YOU HEARD THE SONG?!?

Well-executed ProgMetal, at Eurovision! By a charismatic lead! Of course it was going to get a good chunk of jury votes from a group of people that know more music beyond what gets radio airplay. As Danny sings, if you haven't done anything like this before, you haven't been alive, sillies!

Going into the contest though, I wasn't fully sure Australia would grab the top 10 I envisioned for them. Like sure, I saw the vision. But my predictions come from Antwerp, not Delphi and the visions I see don't always come to pass. Voyager were hit the hardest by the fandom's latent misandry for daring to be men (+ Simone). Then again, if the fandom got their way, "Padam Padam" would win every year (lol can you imagine what a nightmare that meta would be? especially because "Padam Padam" isn't even that good to begin with) and not songs that are effectively Synthwave with Metal instrumentation. This is a combo that leads to immersive moodpieces, and not the high energy spikes you might expect from metal.

But what this blog if not for its appreciation for moodpieces and what was "Promise" if not A Mood immortalized by Voyager into An Experience. Danny playing the keytar on the bonnet of his delorean, or nearly choking on a chicken sandwich while getting 12 Portuguese points, THOSE are MY little joys in life.

Everything on stage suits a wholesome song about ~promising your loved ones you're in this life's adventure together, ride or die~, which as a message hits home even harder since Danny's cancer diagonosis (not like this affected their placement here - Australia were coming 5th on this ranking since the beginning).

And let's be honest, "Promise" is a just really good song that doesn't need frills or embellishments, but it got those anyway with everyone's fun adlibs.

It's like S10 or MARO, not the flashiest entry nor the most iconic staging, but never the less, the personality came through well enough to merit revisitations when I have a craving for it. Besides, we need a diverse array of genres at Eurovision, to ensure the bar remains high and we don't get a year full of Liars and Firefighters. "Promise" defo fit that bill well. It was good to have A Real Song into the mix, and one that was very deservedly was rewarded with a top ten placement.

If you think that a bad result, then that's fine. I agree with you, but mostly because I think Australia should have come top five and were robbed by the televote. 🙂

THE RANKING

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #10 & #09

10. PORTUGAL Mimicat - "Ai coração" 23rd place

Decade Ranking: 33/116 [Above Diljá, below VICTORIA]

Man, I wish Eurovision had better things in store for Mimicat than 23rd place. It feels like highway robbery? I'm pretty sure we all agree that "Ai coração" slaps? It's cute, whimsical, well performed, her voice is a temple, her dancers sublime.

This is one of the best choreographed bops in recent mothering. SERVER SERVED, MOTHER MOTHERED, as we all knew she would the second she won FdC.

However, I can't shake the feeling that the budget was cut drastically short between Lisboa and Liverpool. The whole ensemble looks more inexpensive? It's not even the missing couch, the camera work and backdrops are uninspired and look like they've been cobbled together last minute? At times, it feels like you're watching a rehearsal. Why is everything so DARK? Why are there SO MANY wideshots? So that we cannot appreciate how good the dancers are?

The issue is one of respect, or rather the lack thereof others had for Portugal. Not many, including RTP for some reason, seemed to believe Mimicat was an easy qualifier (HAVE YOU HEARD THE SONG?!) and even the newspapers here called her "a surprise revelation that came out nowhere to deservingly take a slot in the finale" ummmm.... At this point, you know the writing is on the wall and Mimi will be tossed into a death slot to serve as kindling for the Loreen coronation pyre.

However, I respect Mimicat and her heart, of which she has so much, so I still grant her the top 10 she deserves! 🙂 A suboptimal Mimicat is still a Mimicat, you know. Some people carry the Serve gene, and it is dominant in her.

"Ai coração" is -if nothing else- a wholesome, catchy earworm that is a joy to listen to and behold under any circumstance. Top shelf filler, eventhough it deserved more distinction. Mimi OWNS it, it's her song, and only she can perform it this well. Her vocal, the dancers, the build up it's all delectable and I savour it. It made for a fun and whimsical three minutes that definitely earned more than an unfair bottom five finish for the ultimate crime of not being a bookmaker's pet.

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09. ALBANIA Albina & Familija Kelmendi - "Duje"22nd place

Decade ranking: 31/116 [Above VICTORIA, below Albina (Tick Tock)]

MORPH! It's been YEARS since the last time I've had a positive whiplash between preshow and postshow, and here we are (and it's not the last one...x) I've done a complete 180 on Albania and have ZERO regrets. "Duje" flies in the face of every principle Eurovision 2023 stood for (a song that IMPROVED from the NF and was RESPECTED by its stage director), how could I not reward them with a generous, well-earned spot in my top 10?

But first things first - Yeah, "Duje" came into Eurovision with a lot of problems. It was outright bad in FiK. It was off-putting, cult-like, amateur and had no true identity beyond "Hi We Are The Kelmendi Family From Albania This Is Our Song Representing Albania". The only salient detail was that Albina wore a giant ass cloak that obscured half her face, as her family awkwardly shuffled around like cross-wired automatons. Everything about FiK "Duje" was lame and inept, and I was rooting against its qualification - This one, I concluded, was not for me.

How wrong I was.

I don't even know HOW OR WHY, but once in Liverpool, it clicked. I completely underestimated that Albina Kelmendi's is kind of an amazing talented performer, and good god this was a great performance. Both in the semi and in the final she delivered on the passion and the pathos, which the act put at the centre.

THE SCREAMINNNNG

THE DRAMA

The CHOREOS

Which brings me to the act which... SJB magic at its finest tbh. It respects the people on the stage. The Kelmenboys were recalibrated into competence, and Albina's dad, sister and sister in law all proved decently charismatic individuals that could serve as worthy foils to Albina.

Albina's mother and brother remained servephobic blocks of wood but that humanizes them, in a way - Mama Kelmendi is just Doing It As A Favour For Her Kids, just like how Mery Bas is doing Zorra for her 500.000 gay manwhore sons. which is earnest.

Alban otoh... hasn't improved at all, lmao. It's hard to discern whether its the complete inability to perform or just not giving a fuck because moving and singing is tedious yo, or both (also like Mery Bas). At a certain point you have to accept his role as one of comedic foil lurking in the background (notice how he's always directly behind Albina) and in that role, I can appreciate him. Missing his cues all the time with a bored look on his face amidst a group that was whipped into a style of discipline you only see at North Korean national parades, gives just enough personality to the performance to make it work, and not seem like Albina, and five androids.

I'm still figuring out how it all came together as well as it did, and where they Actually rank for me, so about 9th seems a good poiint to start? "Duje" was really good, and that's enough for me. If an act that I didn't like very much delivers the drams out of nowhere, I'm not going to ruin it by overthinking it. "Duje" may have gotten the typical Albanian result but through magical happenstance felt just that bit more special and earnest than the typical Albanian entry.

THE RANKING!!!

(feat. a new graphic since the old one wasn't clear enough imo)

The font of the numbers could use some tweaking but oh well, i think this looks better? Next update whenever I'm ready I guess.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #08 & #07

08. MOLDOVA Pasha Parfeni - "Soarele și luna" 18th place

Decade rank: 28/116 [above Trenuletul, below Gjon's Tears]

"With friend and foe, we march to the battle plain

Some to seek success, others to seek fame

We play with honour, for the love of this game

So that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name." -- Benjamin "Coach" Wade

No surprises here, I would hope. Pasha may have aged 11 years since his last appearance but he is still the same weird, irreverent stoner king he has always been. Perhaps even moreso than before, now that he's openly become the Eurovision equivalent to Coach in both style and substance.😍

Pasha delivered not more, not less, but exactly what I thought and hoped he would.

First of all, the song is just really fucking good. It sounds (very complimentary) like something you would hear in a Vidbir final. Maybe a follow-up to Kadnay's Beat of the Universe, remember that one? (Melovin's BIGGEST crime is robbing us of Kadnay, Lelya AND the minotaur girl because zomg uwu quirky theatre kid) (lmao the way I totally would have been okay with Dreamer and put it high on my 2024 list, cuz he ate that) (um, hypothetically ofc). Vidbir sound-alike is huge praise for a country that normally takes the role of a Schrödinger's qualifier and it was nice to for once know exactly what we were getting here.

REEEEEYNE N FYAAAAAAAA GAEDE MEHEEHEEEEEE

And here we get to the delivery of the song and, I mean, it's Moldova. How else are they going to tackle a song about pagan wedding ceremonies?

Moldova don't care about your stupid "wokeness". (good grief the (unselfaware) ableists freaking out about the little person. ALLOW PEOPLE MAKE A LIVING THE WAY THEY WISH TO, GOOD GRIEF. Dwarfism is not a cognitive disability, they have full agency to work in the entertainment industry. Stop behaving like they need you to emancipate against "the oppressive straight white cismale".)

Moldova don't care about trifles such as appearing "competent" to your insipid juries.

MOLDOVA IS REAL, always aiming fully maximize their entertainment factor for the lowest possible cost, and thank fuck they do.

Only this country could stage their performer as karate-chopping at a little person and make it light entertainment.

Only this country could take a quirky, Ukraine-coded electrofolk fusion and stage it like a weird grotesquerie,

Only this country could bring irreverence with such unerring earnesty.

"Soarele si luna" was a yet another solid showcase of what Moldova excell at, raw intuitive entertainment with no strings attached. Of course, we're in 2023 and being fun doesn't matter in the overal rankings. The least I can do in those cases is give a high spot to those who've been paid dirt the most.~

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07. LITHUANIA Monika Linkyte - "Stay" 11th place

Decade ranking: 25/116 [Above Stefania (Last Dance), below Sam Ryder]

HOORAY FOR YET ANOTHER YEAR OF LITHUANIA AT THE TOP OF MY BALTIC SISTER RANKING~

(enjoy it for the moment lithuanian readers, because a certain song about narcotics is threatening to take that crown away in 2024...x)

We have finally reached a point where the placements on my ranking more or less match the scoreboard, praise hallelujah. Of the robbed outsiders only Joker Out remain, and they're here to stay. :dramatic cymbal:

Speaking of both Outsiders and Stay, Lithuania were also kind of an outsider at first. After Monika beat Ruta Mur in PiN, I didn't think they would come close to a top 10 - clearly So Low was The Choice, Right? I honestly I don't know if I can feel that way any more. "Stay" aged really well. Ruta is an icon, but she did not have the Monika's secret weapon. She did not have -

ČIŪTOOO TŪŪŪTOOO

ČIŪTOOO TŪŪŪTOOO

ČIŪTOOO TŪŪŪTOOO

And what is "Stay" if not čūitooooo tūūūtoooo. Like legit, those two words, that's ALL it took. Those two words, that mantra, repeated over and over and over again, is what endeared her to me and juries (this is Lithuania. LITHUANIA. and juries liked them.).

Adding more čiūto tūto such a simple, elegant tweak, but one that Monika masterfully delivered. The hook is as strong as steel, but it is her charisma and her harmonies with the gospel choir which bent it into pure wholesomeness.

"Stay" is not the strongest composition, but it was an effective one. What it did exceptionally well was deliver the home comforts. The song is blanket, a fleece, a cuddle. It's the musical equivalent to eating a hearty meal by a lit fireplace, leaning against the warm body of your beau or belle. It is the spirit of Nature Is Healing in music form. It is a mental health balm covered by a mantle čiūto tūto. Lithuania earned their spot on the left side of the scoreboard and that's about as positive a surprise we're gonna get with these darksided results.

THE RANKING

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #12 & #11

12. ARMENIA Brunette - "Future lover" 14th place

Decade ranking: 37/116 [Above Stefan, below Systur]

Very tempted to just post this meme as justification for putting Brunette here.

Like, what is Brunette if not A Neat Lady? ? She working on herself, deciding to be good, do good, look good #TeamPretty for her future lover whom she wants to kiss her face, read books with and drink smoothies with at neat cafés - it's no "Why don't you make me dizzy with all your kisses *sad synth*", but it's cute and relatable for a libretto strung together from Pinterest posts lol <3. A Presence That Was Liked (--Gretchen Jones) if ever there was.

What really pushed "Future lover" higher up my ranking though was the live, and specifically the middle section. "Future lover" is not an easy song to get into, but Brunette made it work, specifically by knocking the rap break-

AND the following dance break-

Right out of the park! Princess was eating and her song was the buffet.

And honestly that's enough for a 12th place on my list. You know me, whenever we reach a new zone, we rank the competent people first since they're the ones I have the least opinion on. Brunette is good, i submit the live in Liverpool as evidence, I 'm sure we agree on that? "Future lover" was never more than a fun filler entry for me and I don't mean that disparagingly - every contest needs their also-rans and if the entries that pad out the numbers are good themselves, the contest usually becomes more enjoyable as a whole. Brunette was part of a strong streak that ran from Alika to Pasha, and she earned her spot, by delivering a strong and inspired live that was solidly good with no drawbacks. It's not something I'm passionate about, but "Future Lover" was top shelf Fun Finale Filler, and I wish the entries near the top of the scoreboard I put below Armenia had demonstrated the same level of quality.

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11. ICELAND Diljá - "Power" 27th place

Decade ranking: 34/116 [Above Lesley Roy, below TBA]

For the purposes of ranking ESC, I like to clump together entries I have similar feelings for to pretend the chaotic wreck that is this blog as a minimum of consistency. In this case I've completely given up lol <3 Diljá and Brunette couldn't be less alike if they tried. Where Brunette was competent, dignified and professional, Diljá gave negative fucks about how she came across and how it affected her point total. <3

That isn't to say, I didn't enjoy "Power" for what it was because I did, a lot. Basic catchy Electropop by weird indie girls is my safe zone, and where I can fully unwind, calm down and be myself (I suppose that's the introvert equivalent to zoning out to a girlbop? You couldn't pay me to move to a Loco Loco or Slomo in public, although I like both of them). You can defo be sure that I loved "Power" for all its shortcomings and man was it flawed.

As noted pre-show the biggest threat to Diljá was Diljá herself. Now don't get me wrong - I LOVE her. I love her annoying foghorn-like personality that blasted through her rehearsal tiktoks. I love how she, when asked what the best Eurovision song of all times was, served cunt by naming herself. I love how she gave zero shits about something as trivial as qualifying, and just went all out enjoying herself via the medium of her untreated neurodivergence. And of course, most of all, I love that she completely engineered her own demise in the semi, for no reason other than that she felt like it:

YOU HAVE NO PPPPOWER OVER MEEE ::is so overpowered by her own ADHD/autism she peppers her song with needless karatechops and backflips::

Like, I'm pretty sure there's a decent chance "Power" could have qualified in that second semifinal. The target after all was Alika, who was an obvious traditional jury carry. But Diljá threw all that away when she magikarped herself to death on that turntable. 😍

she could have chosen ANY aesthetic and she chose Lucie Jones in Arthur Fleck cosplay. 😍

She could have chosen any camera angles, and went for several ones where her back was turned to the audience.

In a sense, that was the most beautiful ending one could have imagined for Diljá's journey - a villain origin story turned flesh. Diljá would always be eliminated in the semis in any contest held acrpss the multiverses and it would always be through needless self-sabotage. 😍 AND SHE ALMOST QUALIFIED IN SPITE OF IT. REST IN P-P-P-POWER, my sweet anxiety princess.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE TEN BEST ACTS OF ESC 2023

THE RANKING

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #04 & #03.

04. BELGIUM Gustaph - "Because of you" 7th place

Decade Ranking: 11/116 [Above Måneskin, below Monika Liu]

HOED BEZIG DADDY!1!!1!1!!

Another wonderful example of 2023 gaslighting doing its work - I decided around April last year that Gustaph could get a top 10 and because of the, um, reception he got online, I gaslit myself into thinking 10th was his absolute ceiling. Maybe, maybe on the cusp of left side?, I thought.

In reality:

Remember when they tried to break him? Well look at him now :-)

I love a good underdog arc and the best arcs are served with casual Surprise (not rly) Top Tens, defeating the underwhelming fanfave beasts along the way. There WERE murmurs by certain fans about how PUZZLING it was Gustaph got a SEVENTH PLACE (often lumping him in with Alika, Vesna and Voyager) over TeyaLena and Blanca and (mild cringe) LaZarra and (megacringe) Iru. WHY IS IT A TOP TEN SONG? Here's a question babe. Why was it not a top six song? This is what finished ahead of Gustaph:

Let's see: A boring default winner, Käärijä, evil nepobaby with the worst song ever, italian himbot with a some song, pulpy tiktok nonsense, miserable ukrainian song about the war. What A Wonderful Top Six, how could anyone like Belgium enough for top ten.

Fortunately as the months ticked by, the sensibles concluded that yes, "Because of you"' slaps and is iconique. Which is ofc, the conclusion I reached before the liveshows😘 Yeah okay that's supercilious of me, but I'm living the moment, let me have it, okay! Seeing the light took less time for me because granted, I am Belgian (and worse, Flemish) so I always have to convince myself our entries work if I like them (lmao tough luck Mustii!!), and when they work, they work, you know. "Because of you" IS Eurovision to its very core:

A CHARISMATIC LEAD WITH A GREAT VOICE AND A MEMORABLE STYLE

AN UPBEAT BOUNCY TUNE CELEBRATING A POSITIVE NURTURING TOPIC

A GREATLY STAGED, VISIONARY ACT (which is mandatory nowadays)

ADD SOME ░P░ U░S░S░ Y░I░ N░B░I░O ░ 

(and the not unimportant accolade of being the new jingle for misja eurovision...x)

It came together better than Imagined. The live was a meteor shower of slays and serves. Daddy slayed, his hubby that made the graphics served, the girls slayed, PussyServeCunt slayed AND the jury rightfully served up three twelves (including the Greek one lmaooo - pwnt Andrew!!) to commemorate this beautiful triumph over prejudice, pettiness and internalised homophobicuntitude. His hecklers can touch grass by faceplanting into it.

This was the best Belgian entry in a long time. Easily the best one since the terminally underrated Blanche (who is still the best winner we've never had) and that is good grief, already six years ago? Seven after the current contest? We were overdue for a good result.

Anyway, this was an erratic write-up, but honestly, I don't feel like I need to explain much anyway. Gustaph rose from an act most people pretended to dislike from an entrant that is universally well-regarded and beloved by both the fandom and critics. If that is not a satisfying growth arc, then I don't know what is. SERVE, HAT KING, SERVE.

in sum, see you in Antwerp for ESC2026 after we win it with a GUSTAPH x MEROL collab...x:

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03. SLOVENIA Joker Out - "Carpe Diem" 20th place

Decade ranking: 7/116 [Above Barbara, below Daði]

:GASP: Only third?! Boris how could you - shush shush bish calm ur teats, my opinion on Joker Out has remained completely unchanged. Maybe that's the point? "Carpe Diem" is still probably my favourite 2023 track. On-curved indie rock with on-trend styling, what is this? Almost too good for the contest, that's what.

MI BOMO CELO NOC PLESALI LUBILI SE IN SE IGRALI KOT DA NAS JURTI VEC NE BO

And well, let's also be very clear here - Joker Out lived up to exactly what I wanted from them. It's one of those entries that does exactly what it says on the tin (see also: Pasha). The older I get, the more I appreciate the Actual Songs in Eurovision for their reliability and "Carpe Diem" was a really good song. Three minutes of unbridled indierock fun, that quickly turns addictive if you're not careful - it does get better than that, but it's a high bar that not many other entries pass. Besides, the live was you know, living up to my expectations and that's worth a lot in 2023, where most acts let me down. It was a joy to watch. Bojan devoured that live -

but it still felt like a group effort, as and the rest of the gang more than pulled their weight. Jan and Kris as the silly foils to Bojan's seductive self -

and Nace and Jure (who can both so get it 👉👈) as the two who would whip up the crowd making "Carpe Diem" well and truly feel like the concert that it was.

THEY WERE FUN

THEY HAD "RIZZ" (i really hate this word btw - or rather i hate how ESC.tv used this word to appear "cool" 🤢)

AND THEY HAD A TRUE EUROVISION LOVE STORY

(it is still wildly amusing to me that my two preshow favourites entered a bromance so electrified by reciprocal, yet unfulfilled sexual tension it felt like watching a Basement Yard Podcast 😍 Bojan x Käärijä 5ever💚)

So yeah, this was just all sorts of excellent, really. Ofc, 20th place is um... really disgusting and outrageous, specifically for an entry that brings me so much joy, but hey that's democracy for you. Results are being decided way ahead of time so the people with godawful taste that lead happy lives feel like they are relevant, or summat.

However, Joker Out didn't lose Eurovision 2023, they won it. Out of everyone, it was their fanbase that grew the most after the contest ended, so much that they're now considered a welcome staple at ESC preparties, alongside the likes of Daði Freyr, Go_A, Senhit and Anna Bergendahl, which is not a bad line-up to be a part of. They'll be back as Slovene reps in a few years, hopefully with a more immediate song and will do significantly better. 😁

Finally, yes, Slovenia went from first to third on my ranking, but eh. I figured out quasi immediately after the finale that my top 3 would be Czechia, Finland and Slovenia, and figured out just as fast that Slovenia were third in that equation. I hope it's been made clear that my feelings on Joker Out just stayed the same, while Vesna and Käärijä were subject to positive morphs, and the novelty of those arcs is worth a splitscreen ending.

WILL IT BE THE GREEN FIN OR THE PINK SISTERS?

it was actually... a very, very close call. 😲

THE RANKING

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #25

25. NORWAY Alessandra - "Queen of Kings" 5th place

Decade ranking: 73/166 [Above The Roop, below Mia Dimsic]

TikTok is a scourge on this world.

For those that wondered what a bad non-Noa 2023 result looks like, I present the above. Like yeah sure ITALY is the biggest offender of "Gets Votes Due To Pre-Built Expectations" on average but honestly... Norway's kinda up there too lately. AND ALTHOUGH I'M RANKING HER AHEAD OF MARCO, NORWAY'S RESULT OFFENDS ME WAY MORE. Third in the televote, really? Over Joker Out? Over Monika? Over Brunette? If that is what fan service is supposed to deliver, then the fans of this show are pieces of shit -- April Lewis, me.

I struggle with verbalizing why Alessandra is so meh to me. I should like this. She's camp, her song's uptempo, she was even decent on the night (after being bad literally every other time she had to perform). WHAT IS MISSING HERE?! WHY IS THIS ENTRY NOT AS GOOD AS ADVERTISED?

The issue really is that Queen of Kings is kind of boring. When you think about it, it's just a bunch of uptempo nothing carried by dumb lyrics and a basic techno beat. [ed.: you will NEVER be Cecilia] When Alessandra showed up in MGP (which was bad) and unexpectedly beat Ulrikke (who was attempting a Husavík - embarrassing) it was great though, in part BECAUSE she was basic and relied heavily on the live autotune. (lol you forgot MGP had live autotune, didn't you?). To finally have something, anything upbeat in what looked like a pretty meh pool, Norway temporarily gave me a lifeline I could cling to during these dire times of need! NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN STOP THE SPREAD OF A WITCH!!! SHE WILL BE THE WARRIOR OF THE NORTHERN SILENT SEAS!!!

And that is the ONLY reason Alessandra made it as far as she did on my ranking.

But then, things got better. Promise happened. Carpe Diem happened and Cha Cha Cha happened. Gustaph and Vesna, whom I had doubts about at the time improved drastically at the contest. Mimicat and Loreen and Pasha delivered as expected. There weren't many good entries (compared to 2022 and especially 2021), but a few did show themselves. Norway meanwhile, were on their fourth shallow meme entry in a row and enough. Time to try something else girlies. Why couldn't this televote result have gone to Edgar instead? (lol I have harsh words for that one too, but patience, children, first we have smaller fish to fry)

Ultimately, "Queen of Kings" was vaguely camp Eurovision pulp at its silliest and most scuffed (the fucking NERVE NRK had to try and frame it as a ~Secretly Complex Bisexual Anthem~ like, literally: die), but I find those traits more charming in filler entries nobody has high expectations for (Solo is HERE to stay for a while, and you will deal) and kinda embarrassing in overrated fanfave beasts designed to steal televotes from the plucky underdogs that truly deserved them. But hey, maybe that's just me. 🤷‍♀️

THE RANKING

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #14 & #13

14. ESTONIA Alika - "Bridges" 8th place

Decade ranking: 40/116 [Above Circus Mircus, below TBA]

Tweak some bangs, Alika's Shart.

It is amazing how a few on-point tweaks can make a song significantly more appealing. I went up and down on Alika throughout the months, but a year after I've put her low on the pre-show ranking I am ready to lock in my final verdict: Bridges is kind of really good.

Ofc there were huge problems down the road cuz you know, vocal masturbation ballad in a BorisBubbles ranking, and also, clear jury carry the year after Marius Bear and Nadir Whatshisgjon, but Estonia ironed out their most glaring flaws, so what else can I ask for? I got what I wanted.

Estonia's problem for me, as I've come to realize once I started liking Alika again, was always one of aesthetics, and specifically visual aesthetics (keep that in mind when I rank Europapa low for the lack of bags-over-head (lol if I rank ESC2024 to begin with (I mean, I probably will (I am not readly to enter that discourse yet tho (regardless, that haircut is a capital offence))))). A big inherent flaw of vocal flex ballads like "Bridges" is the lack of dynamism and emotional gravitas (as the vocal technique goes against these principles - "loud" is a pitch, not an emotion) - it's a flaw that comes with the genre and that's something only charisma can fix. Pre-show Alika looked like she'd been dragged out of a river and then SHOUTED into a mic without moving, so yeah, that's where I bail. Slimane your way into someone else's simple and easily-impressed heart please, I Am Not The Demograph. (-- Alesia Michelle).

The version in Liverpool though was - by textbook definition almost - a glow-up. Alongside her Jenevelle hair, Estonia actually put Alika in a beautiful gown and made her move around. Observe:

NOW I SEE MAHSEEL BEELDING UP A WOALD OF BREEECHEEEEEEEEEES

Apparently a lot of people were mesmerized by the self-playing piano but for me the biggest factor in selling "Bridges" was just Alika herself. Props are nice embellishments but the true art of live performance is when score and vocal come together via the power of Personality. Which she finally showed in Liverpool after what felt like an eternity.

By allowing Alika to just do... idk, Alika things with her body lang, face and hands, Estonia broke the monotony of "three minutes of loudness" and made it fun, camp and digestible. If theres anything The Gays (me) like, it's a neat lady doing silly things with fierce confidence. Yasss Go Slay Queen.

Ultimately, a lot of people think Alika's top 10 is nonsense and a strike against juries and here I disagree. That a strong glow up and performance such as Alika's went unappreciated by the televote is a huge strike against the televote, not the other way around. I am happy she got her spot in the limelight, and 8th place is a good, if somewhat generous representation of what she brought. I'll never be a huge fan of the song "Bridges", but at the end of the day Alika really ate that live, and that's something worth rewarding.

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13. POLAND Blanka - "Solo" 19nd place

Decade Ranking: 39/116 [Above Alika, below Stefan]

"ARIANA GRANDE IF ARIANA HAD NO TALENT" -- my immediate instinct when i first heard "Solo"

Were my instincts wrong, though? Her lack of performance skill and talent, the online response, the severed heads of Jann and Iru she keeps mounted on a pedestal in her boudoire. Blanka was the Mery Bass of 2023. She has no business being this good.

btw yes, lmao so hard that THIS ENTRY was somehow one of the more controversial ones in recent ESC. Honestly, the 13th place I'm giving here is at least half thanks to the controversy which made "Solo" feel iconic - it is exceedingly funny to me that it caused so much outrage for... existing? What did Blanka ever do? Certainly not rob better acts - Listen to Jann and listen to Iru and tell me straight-faced they were better.

BEJBA! IS KINDA KRAJZA!

As a song, "Solo" was always fun femmetrash. Ever since Eleni the majority of the Eurovision girlbops have been attempting to recreate Fuegos with varying successes - Competently staged with intricate choreographies to commemorate our inner faggotry. "Solo" represents a style of girlbop that's gone out of fashion - the "Aphrodisiac"-like basic bop by useless bitches for useless cigs. (Fuego is what gays see themselves as, Solo is what they actually are). Aphrodisiacs have become nearly extinct at Eurovision because they nearly always lose the NF nowadays. So thank you Jann for performing 'Gladiator' in Scooby-Doo vocals so that we could witness Bejba fullfill her beautiful destiny in Liverpool.

And what a destiny it was. In a way, most of the things I wrote about Alika also apply to Blanka. A few small tweaks to the performance can make the whole a lot better. Unlike Alika though, who ampted up the sophistication, Blanka went a route I respect more: She listened to fan feedback.

Slight paraphrasing:

Fans: "EWW BLANKA HAS NO TALENT, CAN'T DANCE, CAN'T SING, WON BASED ON MONEY!!!" Blanka: "... so? 🙂"

I don't know WHEN Blanka decided to be everything the fans accused her of (talentless, washed-up, plastic), amped up to comical levels, but thank fuck she did because it made her instantly epic. It is rare for a Eurovision artist to address her online haters by Now I Betta Troll'em, Troll'em, and Blanka as it turns out is masterfully skilled at trollery. She elevated it into an art.

The Cheap VFX <3

The badly performed wooden choreos <3

The Dutch angles <3

Doing the Eleftheria thing of having your backing vocalist sing over you, while you mug the camera with semi-fierce faces and placeholder hairflips.

Accused to having no performance skill or talent? Add in a cheap dance break anyway, and enjoy every second of it, live your dream while they fume on Twitter, angry that Poland qualified over Georgia.

Guess where I am, honey? 💋 I'm in the final. 💋 And I'm here to stay 💋 :dramatic cymball:

"Solo" was incompetent, plastic and a huge mess, and that was great because it was all deliberate. That made it epic. Poland really took all the negative criticism they received and yanked it up to 11 and it made the entry better. If that isn't a taunting flex in the face of toxicity, I don't know what is. Given how venomous the fandom has been since the pandemic, that is an approach to life I can totally get behind.

THE RANKING

AND WITH THAT WE MADE IT OUT OF THE MILD LIKE ZONE, HOO-fucking-RAY. Now bear in mind that the next few eliminees are very LOW lush greens and there's quite a few of those before we get to the really good stuff, but eh. Soon I'll be able to talk about the songs I loved, and that's always a treat.

[borisbubbles]

Blog Update

Okay so the 2024 NF season is over. It's been a busy past few weeks with all the national finals going on, and I prioritized my work at ESCUnited over my personal blog. Now that we have an almost complete line-up (Azer pending), my plan is to pick up my 2023 ranking and finish it. I think I'll go with two countries per post, which gives me enough time to finish it before april. As for the 2024 season I'm not sure what I'll do yet. Internet toxicity is at an all-time high and enjoying your passions apparently now either makes you a genocide enabler or a terrorism enabler, depending on who you ask. Every single one of these nutters needs to leave the house, and meet people that don't share their exact same PoVs (ie: touch grass). I'm not sure if I want to engage in all the nonsense that comes with doing any ESC related now. Do be aware though, that if I do end up ranking 2024, a certain levantine state will be put on the list, with a write-up. They're a part of the 2024 contest now. I never wanted this or asked for this (quite the opposite - I've wanted them out since the end of October), but well, it's out of any of our hands now. It's a MISTAKE to let Israel in, but yeah, nothing we can do about that now. If you watch Eurovision 2024, you'll have to take them into account, whether you like it or not. I'm not yet sure whether I want to burn myself on that or not. Either way, whatever is going on with Eurovision right now doesn't excuse delaying my 2023 ranking any further, so I'll start on that, and then decide how I feel at the end of all that.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #26

26. ITALY Marco Mengoni - "Due vite" 4th place

Decade ranking: 76/116 [Above The Black Mamba, below Rosa Linn]

Who the hell drinks coffee with lemon juice?! Do Italians disrespect tea as much as the Eurovision?

I dunno guys, what do you expect me to write? All my Italy posts operate under a strict policy of post-nut clarity, and 2023 marked yet another year of impressionables male-gazing the fuck out of a Sanremo Ballad and putting it on a pedestal for merely showing up. Moreso than usual because Marco actually is a handsome guy.

Anyway, is Due Vite good? Um, yeah I guess? I'm not the right person to ask. The things Due Vite and Marco excel at are things I don't value too much in (pop) music. I have developed coping mechanisms for romantic longing and intimacy without needing a Due Vite. If I want classiness, I just put on classical music track. if I want a hot guy, well, you know, other methods. What I do yearn for when I open YT or Spotify are upbeat distractions, anti-depression anthems, immersive experiences, or complex entries that provide an intellectual stimulus. Barring that funny gimmicks or remarkable journeys for the Eurovision Songs specifically. Due Vite is... well none of those lol. It's a plain and unpretentious romance ballad that floated its way to the top in a bad year based on Marco's looks and nationality. It's good in general, I think? Just not what I need in music.

That said, Marco was better than I initially gave him credit for. Unlike Andrew (who?), Marco embraced his inner queer-coded himbot self and that improved him in my eyes. L'essenziale does not actively linger in my mind, but I remember Marco as stilted and wooden, staring off-camera like a deer caught in headlights. Ten years later he supplely pranced onto the catwalk all ~*MaFiA d'eLL ArCoBALeNo*~ like a glamorous gayzelle, which was an unexpected and epic move we all appreciated. Shameless fanservice king lmfao <3 The vibe carried through into Due Vite as well, which Marco managed to turn somewhat camp with his presence.

So overal verdict: Italy was perfectly fine, I guess. Fourth place is an EXTREMELY generous result for what Due Vite truly was and the impressionables calling it ONE OF THE BEST EUROVISION BALLADS EVER is nothing short of insane to me. Otoh, things could have been so much worse? Liverpool2023 was not very good and Marco in fourth place is not even one of the ten worst results from it. Also, Fai Rusnore or Shitvidi would have scored the very same result if they had happened in 2023. So I am kind of pleased that the overrated Italian top fiver in this year was one that, well, I don't like, but can respect without too many reservations.

THE RANKING:

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #23

23. GERMANY Lord of the Lost - "Blood and glitter" 26th place

Decade ranking: 66/116 [Above Hurricane, below Fyr og Flamme]

Well, we've arrived in the zone of Mild Like, also known as the "I like them, buuuuut". There's eleven of these motherfuckers in this vaguely positive purgatory, so let's do some but-kicking for Goodness.

As you know, I didn't like the 2023 contest much, so a lot of these entries are either mixed with slightly more good than evil, or kinda bad but i enjoyed them anyways. Bringing up the rear of that crop is Lord of the Lost, who are kind of both?

Honestly, kind of a similar deal to Latvia. It seemed Germany would finally be getting televote points courtesy of a non-embarrassing entry that wasn't also dead on arrival, and it also looked like the televote score would be a sufficient enough amount to avoid dead last for a year... but then they only scored 15 televotes and finished last anyway.

The problem is two-fold. The first one is that Voyager exist, jesus talk about an outclass. "Promise" is several magnitudes better than "Blood and glitter" both as a song and an act, the literal centrepiece of the Grand Final's ironclad Estonia-Moldova streak. (expect several of songs from that streak to rank ABSURDLY high). By the time Germany were up, only a short while after Australia, you instinctively compare the two and realize LotL doesn't pack the same impact (issue #2)

Why though? Well, I hypothesize "Blood and glitter" doesn't quite know what to do with itself. The start is great, though. I love the first minute or so of "Blood and Glitter", a camp unapologetic fiesta of body horror (in part because Chris forgot to un-untuck himself oop), grindhouse metal and LGBT allyness. We ALL like a bit of "Blood and glitter, Sweden bitter".

At least, i hope you did, because you're going to hear that line all the time during the remaining two minutes.

See, once "Blood and Glitter" hits that second minute mark, it succumbs to its own inane repetitions and rapidly turns into a non-event. THIS IS AN UNACCEPTABLE RECOURSE FOR A GLAM ROCK SONG. NO amount of Danny Voyager absense can amend that. Is it that difficult to just... provide different words for the bridge and final chorus? More aggro camera cuts? A wider colour pallette near the end? (yeah i know Blood, but WHERE IS THE GLITTER?!) A dress change? Some form of growth, some form of evo? When even the folks that know no English pick up on the persistent rehashing because the bag of tricks has been EMPTIED by the halfway mark.

So like Latvia, I don't think Germany deserved another bad result, but once it happened, yeah of course it did. Would not skip on the playlist though. And hey, nobody can take away from them that they are King Charles's favourites. 😊 (lol i'm like 85% sure Charles had no idea who they were and walked into them by chance but who am i to shatter dreams?)

THE RANKING

also for the first time since I started blogging, a mid-ranking placement REVISION!

Nature is healing. 😇

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: Last Place

34. 37. ISRAEL Noa Kirel - “Unicorn” Third place

Decade Rank: 109/116 [Above Theodor, below Nadir] Edit: As per the update of 30 December 2023, this ranking has been revised. Noa now ranks between Brividi (#113) and Victor Vernicos (#111)

People complain about the jury vote hither and yon, and how it denied Käärijä his rightful crown, but the truly VILE result was Israel’s third place. This song? THIRD? REALLY?? DisGUSting.

Let’s not waste time here: “Unicorn” is a horrible, disheveled mess of a song. It has an orchestral start, a downbeat beginning, a weaksauce blackpink chorus and then an utterly SCUFFED dance break. None of its many parts work, standalone or put together. Everything about it is a shameless honeytrap for the undescerning gay or gay ally. It’s the absolute culmination of Israel’s Pinkwashing dream. I DESPISE it.

and don't get me started on this bullshit.

So um yeah, of course there were folk out there who saw a queer-coded party song they could unleash ~their inner fag~ towards (which I honestly get - i ranked SloMo second for the EXACT same reason!) and not a mercenary, insincere, off-puttingly cunning trainwreck with a horrendous meme choreography. Good on you, if you’re one of those easily satisfied people I guess. I am not one of them.

Israel have always had a tendency to weaponize LGBT rights and current woke trends (see also: Toy and #MeToo) for their own politcial purposes, and “Unicorn” is perhaps the most shameless example of that at ESC yet? This might ultimately be what offends me the most. Noa's top five was planned since the beginning, in the form of the most obsequious fan service imaginable and they were rewarded for it! How is Unicorn different from any Azerbaijani attempt to game the system during their top five streak at the start of the 2010s?

Its journey honestly feels very similar to “Tattoo’s” victory rly. Noa was immediately fawned over because of who she is even before her song’s release and it just sorta snowballed from there. However, unlike Sweden who fully lucked into Loreen's comeback, Israel have deliberately exploited both the televote and jury voting quirks for their benefit. That Rest of the World 12 points? Not a coincidence. 🙂 (my opinion on RotW: bin it immediately.) You may not like Loreen's victory, but thank fuck she was there to prevent this tomfoolery from getting EVEN MORE points.

In conclusion

THE RANKING

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #20 - #19

20. AZERBAIJAN TuranTuralX - "Tell me more" 34th place

Decade Ranking: 58/116 [Above Achille, below Anxela]

lmfao, the twins made my top 20?! I mean, yeah 2023. Of course they made my top 20. [AlexaVoice] PLEASE LEAVE A VOICE MESSAGE WITH YOUR COMPLAINT FOR VERTICAL CLASSIFICATION IN THE COMMENTS BELOW. [/AlexaVoice]

Now here's an entry that serves as a physical embodiment of the "Presence That Was Liked". Yeah it was mid, but a pleasant mid. The twins were never leaving the semifinal alive. They were always going to be the sacrificial lambs of the newly invented "No Jurors During Semi's rule" which specifically targeted Azerbaijan (and... props to Azer for accepting their fate? lol) Turan and Tural were never being more than passengers along for a ride, which they took to heart.

"Tell me more" was all it needed to be. An inconspicuous NQ that was still cute and endearing in its own sort of way. The dreamy and drawly vibe

The imitation 70s aesthetic that convincingly sells the 90s softrock.

Add in a rap verse during minute one, a couple of fashionable scarfs, good camera cuts,...

Yeah "Tell me more" had zero televote appeal (this 100% dies even with juries being in), but as an entry it's refreshingly unpretentious and especially from Azerbaijan, wtf? Usually Azer pick some shitty Swedish pop track and force it on a conventionally attractive jazz muppet who then can't be bothered to do preparties or interviews. This year, their rep was a pair of homely deer-in-headlight twinkbeasts operating under a myspace name who were actually happy to be there and actively mingled with the fans. There some delicious irony and melodramatic twang to be found in the knowledge that by effectively throwing their 2023 qualification, Azer have shown more respect to the contest than they'd ever done before.

--------------------------------------------

19. FRANCE La Zarra - "Évidemment" 16th place

Decade ranking: 56/116 [Above Anxela, below El Diablo]

Yes I know what you're here for;

But you'll have to wait because I am here to rate the performance first. Yep, slightly ahead of the MySpace Twinks on my list seems just about right for a La Zarra. "Évidemment" represent the other side of "mid", the one where the promise is large and the delivery not quite as large. As a song "Évidemment" was kind of a blueballer: Sure, it had a lot of poise, flair, drama, a wee bit of camp and yet...barely any substance. It was The French Entry, like that was its entire identity, almost to a point of parody. And well, France competes every year and is usually better than "LES POISSONS LES POISSONS HI HI HI HÔN HÔN HÔN". donc, pleurez-moi une rivière de pute. I'm having a laugh but seriously, not picking a lane between serious attempt and self-deprecating satire that was the difference between a sixth place and a sixteenth place.

Still, I at first thought France were headed towards a disastrous bottom five result, especially after that rehearsal clip implied LaZarra was on the same Vocal Rest Tonics as Mae Muller. I WAS GONNA BE PROVEN RIGHT AND VINDICATED!!! and well, I was but not about her. (ty Blanca Paloma, we'll rank you soon enough)

When it mattered most, La Zarra got it together, and NAILED that epic big note.

No complaints from me about that live. It was a good live and did what it needed to do. I like it when the headliners deliver what they're supposed to (see also: Azer delivering a pleasant NQ) because it makes the show better overall. Obviously that doesn't erase the fact that (1) the song was mid as fuck (2) the staging was daft at best. ("MON DIEUX I WEAR HAUTE COUTURE, ACT LIKE A DIVA, AM THE EIFFEL TOWER, SOUND LIKE PIAF, LOOK THERE'S A TRICOLORE I AM SOOOO FRENCH!!" um no ur not, ur from Montréal stfu).

Okay so now we address this:

Sure, an uproarious voting moment and it was sooooo stank, but was it fun stank? 🤔 idk.

On one hand, LMFAO WHAT AN ENTITLED FUCKING SOW. 😍😍😍😍😍. The Xwitter trolls immediately began spinning their fanfictions all "WELL ACTUALLY what she did was a secret gesture of respect in Maghrebian cultures" like bitch, she's (1) a QUEBECOIS (2) who cosplayed as the Eiffel Tower and a disco ball unironically, how hinged do you think she is? Her gesture definitely was the sort of melodramatic Egomaniac reaction I'd expect from someone who deliberately caused a pre-show stir by posting an Insta Story all "It's getting to me!!! I'm QUITTING 😭😭 // Cigarettes: "Eurovision?! 😨" // La Zarra: ".... non i meant the gluten, mdrrrr!!!!! 😆". So yes, the moment itself was pretty funnay 2 me, esp since she got twice points I thought's she'd get.

On the other hand, um take a seat you entitled fucking sow. There is serving cunt and then there is straight up being a cunt. The difference is that you have to earn your glamourcunt label and you, madame, were always in "Good but not Great" territory. Be grateful there were any scraps left for you after Käärijä and Loreen gobbled.

In conclusion, lmfao i kinda dislike her as a person (but better she show the world how rude and misguided she is after losing than after getting a top ten) and I genuinely enjoy thinking about her messiness more than listening to her music. 🙂 (so I guess that makes her Taylor Swift.)

Besides, around 16th is where France usually ends up at anyway, so I think they got precisely what they were aiming for, GJ France. 🙂 Now let's not think about this country until the end of March, when it becomes semi-important for me to remember what their entrant's (who?) song (what?) sounds like again.

THE RANKING