#But I mean Monsters don't bleed it's fine probably it's just a pop of bright red! Doesn't mean anything!

[sysig]

It’ll all go fine if you’d just don’t worry about it, probably (Patreon)

[irish-nlessing]

Can we have a blurb where you are pregnant and you and niall fight about breastfeeding because you don't wanna do it.

“It’s my body, Niall! Why are you being like this?”

“Of course it’s your body, but it’s OUR baby!  Why won’t you just talk to me about it?”

You slammed your dresser drawer shut hard enough to knock over one of the framed snapshots lining the top surface.  You let out a sigh and rubbed your hand over your swollen belly.  The argument over breast feeding had been going on for weeks.  You’d talked with your doctor about it and she had assured you that it was your choice and that as long as the baby was being fed, that’s all that mattered.  Niall however, had been appalled that you weren’t even willing to try nursing the baby.  He’d been sending you links to medical journals and parenting blogs eschewing the benefits of breastmilk.

You straightened the collapsed frame and wiped at a few stray tears rolling down your cheeks.  Looking down over your protruding belly, you trailed one of your equally swollen fingers down a fresh set of red stretch marks mapping out your skin like angry tributaries.  You had a matching set of blue varicose veins on your ankles from the pressure of the baby, and last week you’d peed your pants.  Twice.  Niall was sat on the edge of the bed, his head cradled in his hands.  He looked as handsome as the day you’d walked down the aisle nearly four years ago.  The broad planes of his back were still smooth and dusted with freckles.  His eyes still a bright bright blue that sparkled when he laughed.   He could have any woman in the world.  But he was stuck with you and all the collateral damage happening to your body.  

You clutched the pair of socks in your hand and waddled back to your side of the bed.  At 36 weeks pregnant everything you tried to do took three times as long as normal.  Getting into bed was at least a four step process now.  You heaved yourself onto the mattress and adjusted the body pillows and back support wedges until you were comfortable.  Niall scooted himself back against the headboard and crossed his arms in a huff.  You could feel his gaze on you, but you knew as soon as you met his eyes the yelling would start all over again. All you wanted was to put your socks on.  

You leaned forward as far as possible but couldn’t quite reach your toes.  You shifted to the side a bit and brought your leg underneath you as far as you could.  You were just able to slip the sock around your toes when you bent forward another inch and felt hot bile rise in your throat.  Sitting up quickly you grabbed for the ever-present bottle of water on the nightstand.  You took  few sips and reclined on the pillows.  And that’s when the real waterworks started.  

When your frustrated whimpers turned to full blown sobs Niall crawled over to you and placed his hand on your belly.

“What’s wrong?  Are you ok? Baby ok? Did you have a contraction? Hey, babe please you hafta talk to me.  What’s wrong?”  Niall’s voice was nearly panicked. He knew you were upset, he was too.  Emotions had been running high all day but these seemed like something different.  It was a painful cry he hadn’t heard before.

You flopped your hands uselessly down to your side and groaned.  “I’m fine.  Baby’s fine.  It was the heartburn again.  I leaned over too far and it felt like a thousand suns burning my throat and I’ve got a headache from the crying and a runny nose, and…and I just wanted to put some fucking socks on!”  Your cries started up again and you wiped at your face with the sleeve of your frumpy maternity pajamas.

When you opened your eyes Niall had shuffled down the mattress and was carefully pulling your socks over your puffy toes and past the blue patches on your widened ankles.  He grabbed another pillow and propped your ankles up slightly, muttering.  “Gotta keep em elevated.  Doctor said it’ll help with the veins and the swelling.”

“I’m a monster.”

Your voice came out in nearly a whisper.  There was a beat of deafening silence and then you felt the mattress dip next to you and Niall pulled your hand away from your face.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. Just forget it.”

Niall’s brow furrowed and he shook his head defiantly.  “No, m’not gonna forget it.  You gotta talk to me, lover.”

You took in a shaky breath and looked away from him.  You couldn’t bear to start listing all your insecurities while looking at his obnoxiously gorgeous face.

“It’s just….I don’t feel….everything is just a mess.  I’m a mess.”  You had so many things you wanted to say but they were tangled in your head and reluctant to come to the surface.

“Sweetie I don’t understand.  I don’t think you’re a mess.  Why do you think you’re a mess?  We got the nursery done, the baby showers are over, we did the hospital tour.  All we gotta do now is pop out the kid.  Well, you gotta pop it out. But still, you know what I mean.”

You started to feel a twinge of anger in your chest.  It was easy for him to say these things.  Easy for him to go on day to day.  His world hadn’t been flipped upside down and out of his control.  

“I just hate my body.  Ok?  I know I should be happy that I’m growing a healthy baby Niall, but I’m a fucking disaster!  My belly is covered in stretch marks!  They don’t go away, Niall.  Did you know that?  Did you know that it takes YEARS for them to fade?  Did you know that all this skin doesn’t just GO BACK to being tight?  I’ve seen pictures of women with body types just like mine.  Their stomachs look like a fucking shrunken orange peel.  And don’t even get me started on what happens after I PUSH A BABY OUT OF MY VAG!”

Niall was staring at your complete meltdown his eyes blown wide and his mouth slowly opening and closing in shock.  

You barreled on, the words falling from your mouth faster than you could think.  “It’s not going to be the same afterwards.  You’re probably not gonna get to say ‘oh darlin’ so fuckin’ tight for me aren’t ya?’ anymore!  Niall scowled at your terribly Irish accent and mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like, “I don’t sound like that.”

You took a deep breath and dropped the final bomb.  “I don’t want to breastfeed the baby because I just want ONE part of my body not to be ruined.  Everything else is going to be wrecked and you love my tits, Ni.  You LOVE them.  And maybe if those stay the same you’ll ignore all the other things that got ruined and you won’t leave me.”

A fresh wave of sobs escaped from your chest as the hot shame of your feelings crawled over your skin.  Niall sat perfectly still with his hands clenched into fists at his sides.  His face was pinched and drawn, like he’d been punched in the gut.  His voice was scratchy and choked.  He hung his head down and shook it back and forth slowly.

“Is that really what you think?”

You sighed and looked over at his crumpled figure.  When he lifted his head the blue in his eyes had dulled to a steel grey and they were shiny with emotion.

Your lip continued to quiver and you nodded slowly.  Niall ran his hands over his face and finally looked back up at you.   He laced his fingers with yours and ran his thumb back and forth across your knuckles.

“I don’t care what you look like.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes but he jerked your hand slightly to get your attention.

“Hey!  I. Don’t. Care.”  

He shuffled up next to you and cupped your face in his enormous palms.  He wiped away the stray tears and pressed a kiss to your lips.  “I love you so so so much.  Don’t you get that?”  he pulled away and searched your face to make sure you understood.  You tipped your head back against the pillows in defeat.

“I know you do, but how’re you supposed to get turned on by me when my body’s a complete wreck?  It’s not the body you fell in love with.”

Niall pursed his lips and seemed to search for the right words.  “That’s because I didn’t fall in love with your body, ya nutter.  I fell in love with YOU.  How could I not love the body that’s making me a da?”  He pulled his hands away from your face and lifted up the front of your pajamas.  He traced the pink and red marks running down your skin and pressed kisses across your belly.  “I’m lookin’ at you and i don’t see ugly marks.  I see where your belly worked so so hard to grow around the baby you let me give you.  And if they don’t go away, and the skin looks bad, it doesn’t fucking matter.  You know why?”

He looked up at you to make sure you were paying attention.  “Because that’s where our baby lived.  That’s where you kept him or her safe and cared for.  And I know this sounds corny as hell, but there’s nothing sexier than that.”

Your eyes softened at his words and your chest tightened with how full of emotion you felt.  When the corners of your lips pulled up slightly he leaned in and kissed at your mouth gently until you had relaxed into his embrace.

“Besides.  M’not worried about you shoving a kid outta there.  Pretty sure the ol’ Niallator will still fuck ya good and proper.”

You pulled back from him with your face twisted in disgusted annoyance. He had a wide, shit-eating grin spread across his face and his eyes had turned back to their normal sparkling sky blue. You shoved at his chest earning a loud cackle from him.

“Oh my god I actually hate you.  You’re the worst!”

He sidled up next to you and pulled you into his chest.  He pressed a kiss to your forehead and ran his hand soothingly over your belly.

“No ya don’t.  You love me.  And I love you.”

You watched his hand caress circles over your prominent belly, the light shining off the simple silver band on his ring finger.  The one that meant forever.

“Um, Niall?”  He hummed in response.  You bit at your lip and placed your hand over his.  “Send me some of those links again, would you?  I think I wanna try nursing.  Maybe.”

Niall squeezed you tightly and kissed along your hairline.  “Course darlin’.  Thank you.”

You sighed and closed your eyes, letting the self-inflicted stress bleed away with every touch of his hands on your body.

“No Ni, thank you.”