#But there is certainly a valid argument to be made for a trans or genderfluid Gawain in this story and several others

[beheadinggame]

I think it's very fascinating that a lot of medieval gender was directly tied to your position in the bedroom and whether or not you were filling your respective gender roles - so much so that one could argue being a virgin was an entirely different gender identity. There was a lot of anxiety surrounding sexual encounters that could be construed as "deviant" regardless of hetero or homoeroticism.

I find this even more fascinating when it comes to negotiating Gawain's gender in SGGK.

[bonesy-doodles]

As an avid user of social media, I’ve started seeing an uprising in discourse on whether or not nonbinary individuals can identify as gay (as in attracted to men) or lesbian. As someone who has identified as lesbian for the past four years and only recently settled upon my gender identity being agender, I’ve taken time to look at this discourse and arguments made on both sides. This, of course, is my own informed opinion based off my own experiences and evidence I’ve seen other nonbinary people give.

To start off, I mostly see this argument made around the lesbian identity specifically, with gay being mentioned every now and again, but rarely as if it’s a second thought. This discourse also can come along with the whole he/him and they/them lesbian discourse as well. Seeing as this is the case, I will mostly be referring  arguments based around the lesbian identity, but know this includes the gay (attracted to men) identity.

First, the argument that nonbinary individuals should be using trixic (nblw) or toric (nblm) instead. Let me start with the precedent that it is completely valid to use these terms if you find that it encompasses your experiences. These terms seemed to have been made to liberate nonbinary individuals from the binary terms, but they are relatively new terms. For years, nonbinary individuals haven’t had these sexuality terms to use or explore to see if they are comfortable with them. And even after these terms were coined, many individuals don’t find that they encompass their experiences as a nonbinary individual. And for years, I’ve heard from several parts of the community saying that all sexualities can include nonbinary (and personally, that is up to the individual person to decide if they are attracted to nonbinary individuals or not).

The next argument I’ve seen if that lesbian and gay are binary terms, and that nonbinary people can’t use binary terms, full stop. This is a harmful idea that can shame us out of using terms that we are comfortable with. Each person who falls under the nonbinary umbrella has experienced their journey to discovering their gender differently. This means everyone has different words they are comfortable with. This includes pronouns (and remember, pronouns do not always equal gender).

The best way I can convey this is by using myself as an example. I am agender, which personally means that I don’t really identify with any gender. However, I use prefer and use she/her and they/them pronouns, but I don’t care if he/him is used. I am very comfortable with certain binary terms, and uncomfortable with others. I do not refer to myself as a woman, girl, man, or boy (unless I am not out to the person I’m speaking to). I do use terms like girlfriend, wife, mother (and father as a joke), king, queen, priestess, and a few others, while I don’t use boyfriend or husband. I don’t use miss, mrs, or mr. I kinda use mx, but I prefer captain to be completely honest.

By saying nonbinary people can not use binary or gendered terms is a gross misunderstanding of what nonbinary is and can be from person to person based upon their own experiences. We were all raised differently, we all have unique relationships with our gender.

Next, I see people using the dictionary definitions to bar us from using these terms (I’ve mostly seen lesbian used in this case). And, I’m being serious when I say that I see a lot of TERF rhetoric being used during this argument. Yes, the definition is a “homosexual woman”. From this you would say lesbians are women that are only attracted to women, and since nonbinary people are not women, they are disqualified from being able to identify as lesbians. But, nonbinary isn’t a third gender in between or in complete opposition of man and woman. It’s a linguistic term that describes a large amount of queer identities that don’t fall into the traditional binary our society has set out. There is genderqueer, agender, demigirl, demiboy, bigender, genderfluid, and the list goes on.

So, now that you know nonbinary is a complicated category of gender experiences, what are “lesbians” and why can nonbinary individuals use it? Lesbian is an identity that is a subversion to what society sees as to what womanhood is. It goes against the idea that a woman’s life must revolve around a man, therefore it goes against and subverts our traditional idea about what it means to be a woman. Within the lesbian community, we see a wide range of gender non-conforming and people rewriting what womanhood is. And many nonbinary people have a strong connection or experiences with womanhood depending on if they were born afab or if they are more femme presenting.

The TERF rhetoric I see comes along with the hate many lesbians who use pronouns outside of she/her get. I’ve seen this called Vixenamoric. It is used by people who believe in some sort of purity surrounding the woman and lesbian identity. TERFs say trans women are invading women and lesbian spaces, and then Vixenamoric say nonbinary lesbians are invading women and lesbian spaces. TERFs believe in this purity of women, and Vixenamoric people say they include binary trans women, but exclude nonbinary lesbians because they believe in this purity of lesbianism. In both instances, they are simply transphobic and should be ignored for their “pick me” attitudes.

Finally, more transphobia I see is the double standard people have with cis lesbians dating nonbinary lesbians compared to nonbinary people identifying as lesbians. My girlfriend herself has experienced this double standard, and this whole argument invalidates her identity as a lesbian and other lesbians who date nonbinary individuals. She has received comments like “Oh, you’re dating a nonbinary person? That’s so cute” but then they smack my identity as a nonbinary lesbian as “not making sense”, “impossible”, and invalid. She said it herself, It’s blatant transphobia.

In summary, nonbinary lesbians and gays are completely valid identities because the individual themselves believes the linguistic terms describe their experiences. We need to stop pushing this purity culture and “pick me” attitude in our community. We need to stop policing other’s identities. Invalidating others isn’t going to make the LGBTQIA+ community any better. It’s going to make it worse and cause large divides. And it’s certainly not going to make you a better person. It’s all of us against the cis-heteronormative and allosexual world and we need to come together and learn about each individuals experiences and how complex sexuality and gender identity is. There is no one right way to do things.

If you still don't understand, do some personal research and find nonbinary individuals expressing their experiences. But, if you refuse to accept nonbinary lesbians and gays despite everything that has been presented to you, get yo transphobic ass out of here. 

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

thoughts on dysphoria

There's a lot of arguing going on when it comes to talking about trans people who don't have dysphoria. I'm going to start this by saying if you're reading this and you don't have dysphoria, I understand. I have dysphoria myself, but not a lot, relatively. And I can certainly understand how someone wouldn't. I also want to say that there's more to these arguments than just arguing over a definition. It hurts to have your identity be an opinion, and basically every trans person on Earth knows that. It hurts to see people arguing about whether you're valid or not. So I want to say, 1. I understand, and 2. Even if i didn't, it's not my place to decide your gender. I want you to know that there's people in this community to that aren't going to invalidate you.

If you don't think you can be trans without dysphoria, hear me out.

If you do think you can, hear me out, too.

I think it's harmful to be having these arguments, for a lot of reasons.

1. We're already low on allies.

With the amount of hatred trans people get from other people, we need all the allies we can get. But we're constantly turning each other way because we're protective of our labels and identities. That is perfectly understandable. I've definitely been there. I completely understand why you would hear about someone who doesn't have dysphoria and get defensive. The thing is, though, we have to learn to see through that because we're hurting real people. When we turn each other away, we're alienating more and more people.

2. We're deciding other people's gender identities for them.

Transphobes have always told us that we're invalid, or following a trend, etc etc. And they're wrong, right? And that hurts to hear, right? So why are we doing the same thing to other trans people? They experience being trans differently than we do, but they're still trans. When we refuse to let people identify the way they want, we're telling the rest of the world that they can do the same to us. We know we're trans, right? We feel it. They know, too. They just feel it in a different way. And there's nothing wrong with that.

3. Labels don't have to be stiff.

There isn't a set of rules on how to be trans or gay or anything else. Gay generally means attracted to the same sex, but that gets complicated when you add trans, nb, genderfluid, and any other genderqueer people. When you take into account the differences between people, this stuff gets insanely complicated. Gender is complicated, and being transgender is even more so. There's no one way to be trans. Maybe being trans to one person means they feel dysphoric when seen one way, while to another person it's feeling euphoric when seen one way. There's nothing wrong with either experience, and both are equally valid.

4. They're not hurting anyone.

A lot of people will say that trans people without dysphoria are giving the trans community a bad reputation, or taking resources. But how so? If cis people see non dysphoric trans people and think not only that every trans person is the same, but also that one form of it is invalid or a joke, isn't that the cis person's fault in the first place for not being understanding? The trans person is simply existing, and their existence doesn't hurt anyone in the slightest. And taking resources? There's no waste of resources because they're just doing what they need to be the most happy and comfortable in themselves. That's what we all do. If they didn't use resources, and instead left them for people who "need it more", then nobody would ever use anything. For example, surgery. I'm a trans guy who really wants top surgery. Do I need it to live? No. Do I need it as badly as some people? No. But does that mean I shouldn't get it? Of course not. There's no one person who has it The Worst. Everyone's experience is so different and so complicated that there's no way for anyone's to be the worst. They're all good and bad in different ways and it's impossible to measure. No one should give up happiness just because they don't have it "bad enough". If you want surgery or hormones, get them. If not, don't. Do what makes you happy. We only have one life and there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing what you want to do just because it makes you happy. Those of us on hormones or who have had surgery did it because it made us happy, whether that's to avoid dysphoria, to gain euphoria, or both.

Conclusion: it's wrong to tell people what their gender is, because that's for them to decide. It's harmful to them and to all of us to take away the right to self identify. We're all human, and there's no reason to let differences this harmless distance us from each other. I want this community to be a home for all of us, and for myself, and it's heartbreaking to see everyone so divided on things when they don't need to be. You don't have to understand someone's experience to accept it as real.

I'm not truscum or a tucute. I don't like the divide between all of us. If you're trans, you're my sibling, my brother, my sister, my friend. Whatever your experience is, whatever transgender means to you, you're valid and I want to be in this community with you. So please, don't invalidate others' experiences just because they're not the same as yours. We need this community, this family, or we're never going to succeed in being accepted.

If someone says they're trans, believe them. If you don't, then you're giving permission to everyone else to deny your existence as well.

I mean this in the most sincere way possible.