#Can you tell I thought about this oc and his lore thoroughly?

[m0thisonfire]

I would love to hear more about Caramele! What are his likes and dislikes? What's his backstory? [I am giving you permission to infodump. Go wild.]

AH OKIE OKIE- GONNA WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN WHILE I STILL HAVE MOTIVATION

I’m going to put his likes and dislikes at the end of this wall of text, and there is a lot, a lot to get down. Just think of one of those walls of texts that have the pinned up photos, on top of me still learning all the Graveborn lore. So it’s gonna be fanon and my stuff mixed with canon.

Also I started answering this and then went to check something on the lore site, and everything got deleted, so I am still suffering over that-

But to begin:

Caramele was born in a small out of the way country town simply called ‘Stone’ somewhere in the Lightbearer empire, named after the huge stone statue of an unnamed hero that watches over the village. There isn’t anything really remarkable or noteworthy about Stone except for the Blacksmith shop and the widowed Baron who lives there with his son. The only ‘remarkable’ things would be the barrows that are scattered around the town and territory, and the ancient magic that the land seemed to be ‘blessed’ or infused with.

A few of the townfolk can channel a little of the magic to grow crops and flowers, and heal their sick and injured to a very small degree. Nothing that can be used in battle or war, so isn’t really considered powerful magic outside of usefulness.

The Barrows, on the other hand, nobody goes near those unless it’s to pay respect to the dead. Stone would have been built around the time of the First Hypogean War, before Annih went AWOL and created the Hypogeans, so the gravesites belong to powerful mages and soldiers from long, long ago. And in the folklore that was passed down from generations, the barrows would have been protected by ‘Barrow Wraiths’, monsters/protectors of the crypts, created to hunt down grave-robbers and desecraters that would threaten the dead and items within. Not strictly ‘Graveborn’, but certainly not living either.

One such barrow would be nearby the shop in the woods.

Caramele’s family is very keep to themselves for many reasons, but his mom Winnifred, and himself, were always the social butterflies of the family, the ones to often go to the town and pick up orders for his dad. He enjoyed his community, despite the occasional odd look he would get from outsiders due to his albinism, but the locals were more than accepting of the Smiths’ son. Rubin Smith is much more introverted than his wife and children, a big and imposing man of few words and fewer friends, but takes pride in his work and family. Caramele also has two older siblings that spend most of their time hunting and foraging, twins named Addison and Aven. Almost everyone in the family knows how to work the forge, and even then Winnifred helped around the shop keeping it clean and organized. The twins hunted, their mother ran the house and gathered orders, and Caramele helped his father in the forge.

When Caramele would be around ten, disaster would strike.

Remember the Baron’s son I mentioned? Well, turns out, he is a not good person. A very unstable not good person. As in, the kind of unstable not good person you would never trust with Divine magic or sharp objects, which, unfortunately, Leon le Menteur had access to both. In abundance, enough so that when he grew up he went into the Heresy Inquisition in the Lightbearer Temple. Which, in itself, is a bad idea. On top of the fact he is one sadistic guy who would target anyone ‘different’. Different like Caramele.

Leon would be twelve at the time, Caramele ten, and a vicious plot would be unfolding in the Baron’s manor that no one even knew of. Under the cover of being a guest at the noble’s party, a stranger (Vedan) would be paying two grave-robbers to infiltrate the Barrow near the blacksmith’s shop, looking for a powerful spellbook he would use later on (Isabella’s book).

Long story short, the grave-robbers infiltrate the crypt and successfully grab the book, return it to the stranger, end up getting poisoned via wine to erase witnesses, and unintentionally woke up one of the Barrow Wraiths through their desecration and thievery.

The stranger would escape into the night never to return to Stone, yet there would be one life he would indirectly change forever.

While the thieves were stealing the book, Leon would have trapped Caramele in the woods nearby as an ill gotten joke before returning to the Baron’s party. And as the night got late and his family got worried, Winnifred would have gone out by herself to find him.

She found Caramele and helped him. The Barrow Wraith found both of them before they could escape.

When Caramele did eventually reach home after his mother sacrificed herself distracting the Barrow Wraith, his outlook on life would be changed drastically. He would be more reserved, friendly, yes. But he would be wary, even outright hostile to most nobles well into early adulthood, especially Leon. Nevermind the Barrows, he would live the rest of his life terrified of the dark and dead.

His family fell into silent suffering despite the seemingly indifferent yet sad demeanors. Rubin became more reclusive, barely speaking outside of his home unless it was for orders or favors for his neighbors. The twins were still lighthearted and goofy, but they would be adverse to speaking about their mother. Caramele, now spending most of his time in the forge to distract himself and becoming quite antisocial, would immediately change the subject with a pointed tone, growing as quiet as his father.

How did the boy every become a Circus Ringmaster, you may ask?

Thank his siblings for that. Noticing their little brother growing more reclusive as he aged, on his fifteenth birthday they begged their father for tickets to take him to a circus. They had hoped something new and exciting would help their brother out of his depression, and Ruben surprisingly agreed. At first, Caramele was less than enthusiastic when they arrived to the huge circus tent.

And then, once they sat down among the crowd, the show began. And for the first time in five years, Caramele would feel Wonder. Whimsy. Curiosity and genuine excitement. And he smiled, for the first time in years.

And he knew exactly what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

After the show, he searched for the Ringmaster and begged, pleaded to be mentored so he could join the circus too.

The Ringmaster at the time was planning to retire soon anyway, and was more than delighted to mentor the teen to take his place as the new leader. Since the circus traveled often and Caramele was stuck in Stone for the moment, the Ringmaster devised a way to mentor him from afar, writing down spells, tricks, and physical exercises for the boy to practice while the circus was traveling. Every year, around Caramele’s birthday, the troupe would return, and for the two weeks they were near the town, the teen was scored and directed in his abilities.

To Rubin’s relief and pride, his son began branching out, becoming more open and social like he had been before. Caramele spent more time outside the forge practicing his magic and honing his skills. The magic in the land helped him, having grown up on the blessed territory allowed Caramele to wield his magic easily, and eventually it began growing in strength the more he practiced. He trained, and he trained hard, impressing his mentor and the troupe with his dedication and growing passion. He even began performing the tricks and magic for other children and adults in the village, growing more certain in his path with every joyful smile and laugh he received.

The light he could see in others was slowly chasing away the darkness he had seen before, the darkness inside of him.

Alas, I can’t let this man be happy for long, so of course Leon does something drastic again.

At this point, Leon is well beyond obsessed with his childhood (crush) target, and once again corners Caramele in the woods. It would be a week before Caramele’s twentieth birthday, before his debut on the stage and before he took over the circus. Leon, who would be soon sent out to Ranhorn to officially be integrated into the Heresy Inquisition, was less than happy with the idea of Caramele being anywhere the Baron couldn’t keep track of him. So he threatened, pleaded, bargained, offered anything to keep Caramele in Stone until Leon could return for him.

Of course, Caramele refuses. Leon takes offense. A scuffle breaks out, and one right hook later from Caramele, Leon snaps and attacks him. Fortunately, Aven and Addison find them before more damage can be done and chases Leon off. But a shock of Divine magic rendered the nerves in Caramele’s hands shot and painful to move.

The circus arrives early, and the Ringmaster is devastated when he discovers Caramele’s condition. Not as devastated as Caramele though, fearful of being stuck in Stone forever, surrounded by Barrows and the Baron. The Ringmaster is fearful himself, and decides to take Caramele into the troupe early to attempt to help him.

The ceremony to give Caramele leadership goes on as planned, though the Ringmaster revealed there was something he had been keeping from the man until the time was right.

A book of magic in the older man’s possession that was bound to every ringmaster that took an oath to protect it, a book that held magic both damning and approved of. Runes that bent the world to the user’s will, conjuration, alteration, and destructive spells alike. On top of healing spells and illusions that would aid in keeping the circus safe.

The book would be bound to Caramele, and in turn Caramele would be both protected and the protector of his troupe, and the innocent he performed for.

Curious and intrigued, Caramele took the oath binding him to the book's magic. When he was finally given his uniform, already enchanted and imbued with runes from the Ringmaster, he could tell he was given a responsibility larger than he previously assumed. Slipping on his showman’s gloves, enchanted at the last moment due to the newest development, his nerves were soothed and even assisted, little to no pain plaguing him. A relief for his performances.

Ruben, the twins, and the newly retired Ringmaster were present for Caramele’s first performance a week later. Leon was as well, though he left in a fit of rage before the show was over. It was a success, and despite the mysterious book now in his possession, Caramele had never felt more at peace watching the happiness he brought others.

One would assume this is a happy ending. Despite it all, he got to find happiness again. Afterwards, he travels with his troupe all over Esperia, performing for folk and factions of all kind and bringing light and joy where he could.

He kept his circus in top shape, taking in the outcasts and those who had nowhere else to go. As a blacksmith, he could keep the equipment and important fastenings repaired and stable. He was used to wounds and injuries from his time in the forge and his siblings’ hunts, so he could easily stitch and fix minor wounds from accidents. He tested everything himself before shows to ensure top performance and safety for his group, and took genuine joy in training and practice with them. His dedication was admirable, his passion, undeniable. It was everything he ever wanted.

It did not last long. Tragedy number three struck, and struck hard after five years on the road.

It was a day he decided to train by himself in the woods. He wasn’t far from the tent, his troupe stationed near the house of Raine. The estate was a ways off, but Caramele had heard tales of their family. At twenty-five and traveling for years, he mellowed out towards folks and aristocrats, and even hoped that the Raines would attend.

When he heard rustling nearby, he would assume it was an animal of some sort, and be unbothered. When he heard the sound of a young girl groan in pain, he would stop what he was doing and rush to the sound.

It’s here he would first meet Silvina, near death but clinging to life. He would be filled with concern and worry for her, and would approach to help her up, return to the tent, and attempt to heal her. He would not have been able to account for the necromancer that had tracked her…

Caramele’s cause of death was a stab through the back, piercing his heart from behind and being left to bleed out by the necromancer’s surprise attack. Neither he or Silvina would be found by the troupe, and he would be assumed missing for many years to come.

Yet his resurrection causes… intrigue for many Graveborn once they discover his existence.

The necromancer did not resurrect him, no. Only Silvina. And yet, somehow, Caramele was slowly turned into a similar being as her by some unknown force. Not Quaedam, though Caramele would still be under his ‘guidance’.

When he awoke, he was met with the sight of the full moon above him. The next sight was Silvina standing over the body of the necromancer, and a dagger pointed at the newly resurrected Ringmaster. With a little convincing and a gentle hand, he manages to coax Silvina into a calm so he can figure out his situation.

A Graveborn. He was less than thrilled with that, considering his fear of the dead, but oh well. His forced optimism took the second chance as a second chance.

Afraid of returning to his troupe and overwhelmed with his situation and recent resurrection, he offered to travel with Silvina to help her get home safely. Silvina reluctantly allows him to tag along, and eventually, Caramele stands before Vedan’s castle.

On Isabella’s insistence and Silvina’s recounting, Vedan begrudgingly lets him stay with them until he gets his bearings. Of course, they eventually get used to the Ringmaster’s presence, and ‘until he gets his bearings’ turns into ‘You can’t leave, actually. Ever. The girls like you too much, so I won’t let you’.

At first, Caramele and Vedan clash. Hard. Vedan reminds Caramele too much of Leon, and Vedan doesn’t care. Because this guy is a blacksmith turned circus man. Why would someone like Vedan care about what he thinks?

… Until the day came when Vedan realized he somehow began co-parenting with Caramele. Until Caramele realizes that Vedan, in his own way, is completely different from the noble that tormented him growing up.

As time passes and Caramele gets used to being a Graveborn, Vedan integrates him into the ranks and brings him to Bantus.

And that’s usually where Caramele can be found when Vedan and the girls travel there. The man can either be found in the Count’s castle, or somewhere in Thoran’s castle, rarely anywhere else.

While most Graveborn fight and are used to break enemy ranks, Caramele is one of the more ‘essential type’ Graveborn. Not a mindless drone, yet not a fighter either. He usually works in the castle forges repairing everything and anything he can in his free time, or spends most of his time helping other Graveborn. Works in the infirmary with Niru, helps Silas with his experiments, runs papers for different officers, strategizes with Grezhul over battle plans, works in the library keeping records of different things… stays by Vedan’s side as a sort of ‘second opinion’ in the Bloody Priesthood, though he himself isn’t part of it.

His optimism eventually fades into cynical optimistic nihilism, still smiling, yet indulging in much darker humor and becoming more tolerant of the actions of Graveborn around him. Day in, day out, day in, day out… it wears on one's brain, and Caramele goes from initially horrified by those around him, to indifferent and sickeningly amused. He lives to serve, and still uses his passion to perform for his faction and bring a glimmer of joy into the ranks as best he can, though he is often sassy, sarcastic, and very stubborn on his morals and certain matters.

He gets along with the other factions, and is quite peaceful despite his demeanor. There are many things that make him unique as a Graveborn, such as him being able to remember his life as a Lightbearer and being able to walk around in the sun, dubbing him a ‘daywalker’. There are many theories about this from the medical and scientific Graveborn, from his abilities and memory, to the kind of Graveborn he and the girls are, to the fact he seemed to be one of the pactless Graveborn.

The working theory is that the oath Caramele took to bind the book to himself somehow keeps him from Quaedam’s influence and allows him to retain his humanity, though he can interact with the avatar of death just fine. A theory Shemira helped formulate was that he could walk around during the day because of the runes in his uniform. No one wants to test that theory in case Caramele does burst into flames without his unform.

Another working theory is the magic Vedan used in the ritual to turn himself into a Graveborn may have affected Isabella, Silvina, and Caramele’s Graveborn forms. The book, from the barrow in Stone, influenced Isabella’s undead form somehow. Silvina as a Lightbearer being in close contact with her sister at all times seems to have influenced her undead form as well. Caramele is not enthusiastic about this theory, because that would mean even as a child, he would have probably been cursed to this form because of the Barrow Wraith he had been in contact with.

Another reason he does not like that theory is because why the fuck was Vedan in Stone? When, where, why, and what does that mean if Vedan has a book from the gravesite Caramele knows the Barrow Wraith that killed his mother was from? Does Caramele even want to know?

He does not, he finds, because thinking on this actually tempts him to be aggressive and quite murderous. It does not help with his bottled up temper either-

For the current day and age during Afk Arena’s current events, Caramele is more temperamental, yet still subservient, beginning to actually pick fights and itch to fight the Hypogeans. He only takes orders from Vedan, Thoran or Theowyn, Grezhul, or Quaedam himself. Even then it’s begrudgingly and with an unbelievable side of sass.

As a technical Barrow Wraith, Caramele’s prone and main instinct underneath his humanity is to serve and protect his ‘barrow’. Isabella protects her book and sister, Silvina protects her sister and Vedan, Caramele takes it upon himself to protect the Arcanists Union and their home. As a Support Tank, this comes naturally to him, and the growing urge to defend as the Hypogeans grow near leaves him viotile towards intruders and enemies.

——

Likes:

Candies. As a Graveborn, Caramele insists on hard candies to keep himself focused or to zone out while fixating on something. It doesn’t matter to him he can’t really taste it, it’s sweet enough and that’s okay with him.

Coffee. Quaedam save this man, Caramele cannot get through the night without three to five cups of coffee, at least.

Sleep. He sleeps during the day, sleeps during the night. He is dead set on this schedule because it’s what he’s used to. Hence why he needs ungodly amounts of coffee if he’s forced to function at night. But sleep is, to him, temporary death, an escape.

Performing. He still loves making people smile, be it Graveborn, living factions, or Isabella, Silvina, or Daimon. His passion is still what makes him… him.

Smithing. It eases him, reminds him of home and his family. He’s damn good at it too, and takes pride in his work.

——

Dislikes:

A majority of the Graveborn. This man may be all smiles and pleasantries, but he despises the fact most of the Graveborn willingly turned themselves, and/or turned others against their will. He has exceptions, and hears out everyone’s stories. But for the most part, he’s suspicious of everybody.

His height being pointed out. Look, Caramele is only 5’3. He hates being called short. The one time Torne pointed it out, he never did again because Caramele stole his kneecaps and hid them in one of the kitchen cabinets. No one risked calling him short after that.

The dark. Caramele hates the dark. Hates the shadows, hates the things in the shadows, is terrified of the Barrow Wraith from Stone finding him again. At night, he sleeps with a candle.

Mirrors. Caramele. Cannot Stand. Mirrors. He misses how he was before, despite his albinism setting him apart from most people. He can’t stand seeing himself as a Graveborn, an undead, with ashen skin and glowing green eyes, and horns and a tail, so similar from the monster that killed his mom yet so different… he avoids mirrors whenever he can.

Eating humaniods. Caramele will not touch or eat anything considered humaniod or part of a faction. In his opinion, dead is dead, and goes out of his way to avoid eating people, choosing to eat animals instead. He does not trust a plate of meat given to him by anyone in his faction, and will not eat it.

[prosaic-bun]

When does a fox bloom?

Pairing: Ayato x Kitsune Mc x Thoma

Novella

Genre: Fluff - Angst - Introspective - lore oriented

Author Note: At this point I had to finish this chapter or the chapter would have finished me. So. Much. Dialogues. It really made me doubt if I, myself, know what dialogues are. Also I had a fever a week ago and somehow I made some spicy lemon grade smut (Ayato x Male reader x Thoma) and I was wondering if it would be apropos to make it a stand alone more or less connecting to this fic. I wrote it using Y/N instead of using my OC Naoya and I'm unsure what yall would prefer between the two. You can tell me via direct messages, asks or the reaction bubble on this post - doing so will grant the VIP access and I might be more inclined to take recommandations (I'm half serious at this point, but don't be scare to reach out, constructive criticism are always welcome).

Trigger Warning: Angst.

Character Profile - Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 (currently reading) - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7

--------------------

Chapter 5

6.9k words

Thoma and Naoya were on their way back after investigating an adventurer campsite at the very North West of Yashiori island - where the tip of Orobashi’s tail pointed out of the water. They found some trinkets and artifacts under the tent, but more importantly some ragged notes with plans depicting a lower level to the above-water ruins of Fort Mumei. This time, Naoya had clearly felt an ancient energy emanating from within the stone structures. Maybe there was more to the location than meets the eye.

«So yeah, looking at Fort Mumei still felt eerie, but I’m pretty sure there is something more than just that feeling. Combined with the fact that I fainted the first time we went there, it’s safe to assume we will need to go back and investigate the site more thoroughly.» Naoya commented.

«There is really something about that place.» Thoma agreed.

«After all, it’s not called Fort Mumei for nothing; if we take into account that its name translates to Fort of ignorance it almost taunts us. Anyway having you by my side this time around was really pleasant. All week I’ve been investigating that Jakotsu Mine so I’m glad we were able to visit a place where the sky is visible letting the sun rays reach our skin.» Naoya stated.

«Yes, it also felt good to spend time outside after being shut in for so long. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come with you when you explored Jakotsu mine. By the way, do we know why Fort Mumei was built initially?

«Don’t apologize for the time you needed to recover from your illness, Thoma-chi. To answer your question, I read in the Narukami Shrines archives that long ago it was possible to cross all of Inazuma on foot. Something about the level of the water and a long distance highway that made for impressive infrastructures. The author of the documents posited that the ruins of Araumi and Fort Mumei are examples of such a nationwide network.»

«So it would have been possible to go on vacation to Watatsumi island by foot?» Thoma asked, seemingly excited at the possibilities it would entail.

«Hum, I don’t think it was possible since the roads must have predated the creation of the island of Watatsumi.» Naoya answered.

«So no vacation without taking a damn boat, uh.» Thoma summarized with a smidge of dejection as he looked at the maple leaves over him signaling that they would soon reach their base.

«No, but we can still go on vacation In Watatsumi with a bigger, safer boat! Didn’t you mention a crew that made it past the Thunderstorm barrier of the Sakoku Decree? We should ask them to take us. Well only if you want.»

«Captain Beidou and the fleet of the Crux are amazing! Maybe they are a good starting point. However we shouldn’t restrict ourselves to only Inazuma! They could bring us to Dornman port in Mondstadt and then I could show you around.» Thoma got more and more enthusiastic at the thought of visiting his home nation accompanied by the kitsune.

«I would like that…» Naoya mustered tentatively, embarrassed of how gushy he felt at the idea of some tacit long term plan he would share with the housekeeper.

However, the emotion was short-lived as their home base came into view. It wasn’t the building that made a glower appear on the kitsune’s face, it was the result of noticing a certain slender form right beside the old abandoned house.

Naoya swiftly changed his course and half shouted to Thoma: «I’m just going to freshen up by the river and I’ll meet you back at the house. It will take me 5 minutes, top.»

Thoma didn’t have an opportunity to answer anything before Naoya was out of earreach, long strides hastily bringing him in the opposite direction of the housekeeper’s position. Turning his back on the Kitsune, Thoma then noticed that Ayato was waiting for him. The housekeeper picked up some speed and followed the trail until he could greet him.

After exchanging formalities and enquiring about their respective last few days, Ayato stated he did come back, but only to end the expedition and bring everyone back to Narukami island. Although he understood where Ayato was coming from, Thoma felt the decision wasn’t made impartially.

«Ayato-san, I’m just telling you that it’s a bit unfair and that he probably won’t like you to come back here just to tell us the expedition is over. There is no reason for you to act that way without discussing the issue first.» 

«Thoma, why are you taking his side? We already completed the ⅔ of this expedition and since you didn’t make any progress, we are cancelling the rest of the expedition. That’s all there is to it.»

«How about you cut some slack to Thoma and instead tell me why you made such an arbitrary decision?» Naoya’s voice was heard as soon as he opened the door, making a gust of wind rush inside. The kitsune knew storming in wasn’t his best course of action, but the tension that lingered after Ayato left for Narukami made it easy to overreact.

«Listening behind closed doors to get the right timing before making an entrance? No ‘Hello’ or ‘How have you been?’ you prefer jumping right into it. Always so dramatic Naoya.» Ayato sneered down at the kitsune.

«Sure that’s your point of view. Thoma you can tell him why we won’t be leaving if I'm too dramatic for Ayato’s taste.» Naoya smuggly taunted back, crossing his arms on his chest with an air of defiance.

Before Thoma was able to utter a single word, Ayato raised his voice with an unexpected vehemence. «Don’t bring him into that.»

«Why? Because you think he wouldn’t agree with you?» Naoya provoked some more.

«Stop trying to get in between him and me, you are just a hindrance to our work relationship.»

«Oh a ‘work relationship’, that is so ludicrous. You couldn’t even say friendship?» Naoya snapped back, rolling his eyes.

«Just say it. You tried to get close with Thoma only to get at me.»

«I think Thoma is a great companion and I would like to know him better. On the other hand, I'm not sure how I feel about you wanting to control his life and thinking people would only want to forge a bond with him to get at you, mister Head of the Kamisato clan. That is some bullshit right here.»

«You both know I'm just beside you, right?» Thoma tried to intervene, growing more and more exasperated with their shenanigans, especially since they didn’t mind using him to get at each other.

«Control his life? I'm just worried for him, you never spoke to him at any of the events you attended since you were back and I know you can be so insincere and deceiving when you want it. What if you suddenly decide that you don't want to talk with him for 3 years and act like strangers after that?»

«How dare you! Of course mister Kamisato, the oh so important Yashiro Commissioner, expects people to stay just as they are and keep their role in his pretty little life, because it is so much more important than anything else. What if you don't have your dose of charming personnel from Mondstat every day? Will you throw a hissy fit?»

«You have some nerves to patronize me like that. In opposition to your distasteful self-indulgent behaviours, I know Thoma would never leave without any last words. I can put my trust in him.»

«Stop putting so much pressure on him. That’s unbelievable. He is not there for your convenience. However, your figure of speech reveals a lot about your inner desires. Naughty Ayato thinks about "putting in" and "thrusting" when it comes to his personal staff. Why don't you say you just want to fuck him already.»

«You bastard.» Ayato grunted at half-voice, the sound escaping his throat resembling more the threatening sound of a torrent than his usual composed tone.

«Maybe I am a bastard; I was raised by the shrine maidens and never knew my parents. How does it make you feel that such a low born person is in your presence.»

«You are so deranged, all that meditation messed up your brain. You always find a way to cross the line when it comes to me.»

«ENOUGH. That's all you've done during this trip. Making things about me when in reality you are still two teenagers that aren't fucking able to communicate with each other or deal with their own emotions.»

Ayato turned around and looked in disbelief at Thoma. Even though the housekeeper doesn’t raise his voice often, he can project an incredible assertive aura.

«What is it, Ayato? You can't stand when something doesn't go like you planned? Close your gaping mouth and get over yourself.» Naoya nagged from behind Thoma, even pulling his tongue at Ayato adding another layer of pettiness.

«Oh and don't even start Naoya. Did you think you could have the milk, the butter in addition to fucking the milkman? You think you can act as you did just now and it will bear no consequences whatsoever? And back then, you left for Liyue and expected that everybody in Inazuma would hold their breath until you got back. Guess what? Ayato is the Head of the Yashiro Commission and he has a successful life because he is good at it and made many sacrifices along the way.» Thoma paused, catching his breath and glared down at the other two men as if he was their parent scolding them.

«The lack of respect you two just exhibited is not warranted. The way you objectified me isn’t something you do to someone you care about. I can't deal with your bad vibes anymore. Don’t wait for me, and focus on listening to each other.» Thoma exclaimed before storming off.

As the door slammed shut, Naoya just stood there, head lowered looking at the ground. The kitsune felt really small, he didn’t exactly know how to name the emotions he was feeling but shame had to be part of them. Did it really take Thoma for him to catch up on how he was acting, wasn’t he able to catch himself before going too far?

«Oh so now you're silent. I wish it happened sooner so it wouldn’t have come to this.» Ayato stated bitterly.

«Shut up. Stop blaming everything on me. We were both arguing if I remember correctly.» Naoya retorted in a more even tone than before.

«Tsk.» A simple click of tongue on Ayato’s part was enough to reignite the embers of the kitsune’s emotions.

Naoya abruptly turned around, closing the distance between them and grabbed Ayato’s collar. The kitsune raised his lowered head to meet with Ayato’s eyes. In the closeness of their position, Ayato was shocked to see some tears rolling down the kitsune’s cheek. Usually the latter would have hidden them at all cost; in spite of his pride he unveiled them, showcasing the vulnerability of the moment.  «What do you want from me?» The glint in Naoya’s eyes let out more hurt than anger at this point.

Ayato moved back instinctively in an attempt to free himself from the kitsune’s hold. «Don’t touch me.»

«Just answer me. What do you want now? Do you want to have the last word or what? Be my guest, just say something.» At each sentence spilling out of Naoya’s mouth he shaked his former best friend back and forth like a child would shale a rag doll.

«Unhand me and control yourself.» Ayato spitted out before struggling against the Kitsune’s hold. As his previous attempts to free himself didn’t succeed, Ayato firmly pushed against Naoya’s chest which resulted in Naoya losing his balance and toggling backwards, while still bringing Ayato into his fall.

They heavily crashed on the wooden floor, Ayato hastily raised himself partly on his arm, Naoya trapped under him. They were close, Ayato could see many thoughts stir inside of the kitsune’s eyes.

«Let me go.» Naoya said without conviction.

«You asked me what I want from you. Just tell me how you feel and what you think, like before.» Ayato said as he maintained eye contact with the other. The fact he was resting against the kitsune also meant their bodies were the closest they had been in years, but nothing felt familiar at first. Ayato didn’t want to be this close, however it was an unexpected opportune way to pin his former best friend in place. It was uncomfortable, Naoya’s breathing was annoying, he didn’t know where to put his long limbs or where to land his stare other than looking at Naoya under him. Their position galled Ayato’s skin, but what irritated him the most was that he liked being able to touch the other after so much time. A proof the kitsune was tangible and not a figment of his imagination. The commissioner had replayed many of their last moments in his head in search of some details that would explain why his friend left like he did. They never said goodbye and neither did they exchange greetings when Naoya made it back to Narukami. So in a way, it was as if Naoya never stopped to be a quiet and acrimonious contemplation. And so it felt weird this was the first time their bodies were so close after all these years. 

«I don’t want to. What’s the point if we haven’t reconnected thus far? It’s not like before.» Naoya answered while trying to look indiferent.

«You idiot, that’s the sunk cost fallacy. It’s still worth it. Just talk to me.» Ayato fired back.

Ayato had managed to earn a snicker out of Naoya. «Why though, didn’t I make you mad enough?»

«I might be mad, but I still care about you.»

Naoya looked up at Ayato and wondered if it was too late to make amends. «Are you sure? I think you prefer the version of me you have in your head. You were never satisfied with the real me.» Naoya attempted to jerk himself out of Ayato’s grasp but Ayato tightened his hold.

«Why are you so sure I can’t care about who you truly are.»

Naoya turned his head to look at the ceiling, remaining silent. The kitsune frowned and his ears flattened on his head. Ayato couldn’t tell what he was thinking but it seems his former best friend was reluctant to talk about their issues.

«How about I let you go before we have this conversation? But you can’t run away.» Ayato pleaded. Naoya nodded back, still looking somewhere slightly over the other. Ayato pushed himself to the side and freed the kitsune. Naoya raised himself on his elbows and retreated to the closest wall to put his back against the cold rugged surface.

«Nao-rin, tell me something, at least one. Stop trying to keep everything bottled up.»

Naoya twitched at the nickname and exhaled excessively. Ayato decided to remain seated a few meters away from the kitsune, regaining some patience after the heated argument. Naoya finally gave in and decided to try communicating his feelings. He had to be careful though, if he was going to do it, he needed to leave the pettiness behind.

«Let’s do this. I’m aware I have my own insecurities that I project onto you, but do I really have to be perfect all the time? I acknowledge them and work on them. Maybe now isn't the best moment to be worried about my self worth» Naoya began, unsure if he was petty or openning up.

«No. You don’t have to be perfect all the time, everyone has things they struggle with.»

«You know if we were better at communicating we wouldn’t have hurt Thoma in the crossfire.»

«I understand you want me to take part of the blame for not being able to communicate clearly. Correct?» Ayato questioned.

«No. Well, maybe. I just wanted to say it out loud.»

«I can’t object to this statement. However, let's deal with our problems and then we'll talk with Thoma.»

«I guess it’s now or never. If we don’t try to air our dirty laundry, I might not be able to sleep tonight anyway.» Naoya conceded.

Ayato smiled because of the mental gymnastics his former best friend was doing in order to be able to open up about his feelings. «I can start if it makes it easier. When it comes to you, I felt betrayed and I am resentful ever since you burned bridges with me. I don’t think I deserved this silent treatment. I was never able to figure out why you would leave like this without telling me. Did you do this to get back at me for hurting you in some way, or was our friendship meaningless to you.»

Naoya winced at the words, but instead of getting defensive, he accepted them and reflected on the feeling his former best friend tried to share with him. «During that time period I felt inadequate and lost. Inazuma wasn’t helping me understand what path I wanted to take.»

«But how does that relate to me? Why did I deserve for you to leave without saying anything.»

«I was trying to do what would be best for everyone.»

«Naoya I needed you. I lost you and then I lost my parents and everything was changing so fast. I didn’t know who my friends or enemies were.» Ayato explained, sorrow making his voice tremble a little. «People tried to destroy the Kamisato clan, my sister and I included and I had to hear from Toda (the shrine maiden acting as liaison between the Yashiro Commission and the Grand Narukami Shrine) that you had departed for Liyue.»

«I’m sorry for your loss. I guess I never took the opportunity to tell you, but I truly am. You shouldn’t have to live through that. Your parents were good people.» Naoya paused, wondering how to clearly explain how things were back then. «Aside from dealing with my inner struggle, I needed to understand our relationship better, I - I wanted to know if I was the person you described or if you just put a label on me so I could fit in your life.» Naoya searched for his words. «The timing wasn’t the best. At first I felt that I wasn’t enough to support you. I saw your righteous path before you and I got scared. Even with meditation I wasn’t able to be honest with myself, it seems like I was never thinking clearly. Were you asking too much of me? Were you taking advantage of me? I never had aspirations to gain influence, quite the opposite I wanted to work outside the system.» Naoya paused to breathe in. «Ayato, back then I didn’t have the answer, but now I can see I felt inadequate and at the same time you didn’t realize the expectations you had put on me. At some point I didn’t know if you were trying to change me and I know now it seemed so absurd. In a way I felt like some toy you had, not even my own person. And it hurt because I wanted to be seen and understood not just listened to.»

«But I didn't ask for you to be perfect, you didn’t have to be the answer to everything. I just wanted us to be there and stand together.»

Naoya sadly smiled. «I understand, but back then would you have wanted us to stand together even if it was in the dark? Were you ready to halt your projects for me? You never asked me to be perfect, but you never asked me to not be. With your actions, my inability to recognize I was putting tremendous pressure on myself, the shrine maidens that were giving me anxiety and the Bakufu and their flawed vision of inazuman people, I didn’t know who I was and if I was good enough. I felt like a liability and I was angry at you for it.»

Ayato took the words in. At first he was going to flatly negate everything, but thinking back about their past relationship he realized he could see what the kitsune meant. Ayato was sure of him and let the kitsune follow him behind. However, always following someone and trusting them could be difficult.

Naoya’s flow of words started once more and interrupted Ayato’s chain of thoughts. «Right now I feel guilty, and I feel so bad for not being able to be there at the time, but I also remember how hard it was for me to just do everyday tasks and having to trust the process. Maybe I should have stayed, maybe I made the right choice leaving, I honestly can’t tell.» The Kitsune let the words float in the air before concluding. «If i would do it again, I would take the time to tell you before leaving and actually send you the letters i wrote to you while abroad.» «Wait, you wrote me letters?» Ayato asked, skeptical. «What were they about?» Naoya smiled. «I did, the stack of letters was pretty impressive at some point. I wrote about me, how I felt, how I was striving for balance, how my master was such a good person, but oh so stern. She helped me in many ways and after a short while I was in a much better state. I wrote letters explaining myself and giving you cues on how to understand me. I also wrote about how I missed you.» The kitsune finished not bothering to hide those particular details. «I’m glad you were able to find someone who could bring you that kind of support. I wished you would have sent those letters… Earlier you said that you had to reevaluate our relationship. What was that about, why was your mind clouded when it came to me?» «Ayato, why are you such a good listener that you didn’t miss any details.» Naoya sighed. «Did you know you were the first kid my age I met? Of course we ended up making many friends when we met in the abandoned temple right in front of Mount Yougou. Before that, I was only with shrine maidens and Yae. They didn’t feel exactly like a family, but they were there for me. I didn’t get really close with Yae until I was older. They didn’t completely see me for who i was yet, they cared for me.»

Naoya was now lost in thoughts, but felt somewhat lighter after explaining everything so he kept going. «Regardless of what happened at the shrine, down the mountain a little adventurous and troublesome boy made me realize I missed the warmth of someone who looked forward to spending time with me. You were my best friend, my rival and an equal, someone who was able to follow me with my thoughts. You challenged me, showed me you cared for me, you talked, listened, felt, and even made plans about the future. It was scary, but it was also intoxicating to be with you. And then I had the thought it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be. I convinced myself you had an ulterior motive.» Naoya looked directly at Ayato and continued. «You represented so many things for me, but at some point it got confusing and I wanted to understand myself better first. And you know I meditate when I feel stuck.» The eldest Kamisato sibling let the kitsune articulate his thoughts, respectful yet eager. «Ayato, I-, I wanted to understand our relationship because my feelings got in the way of me thinking clearly. I hated that I didn’t know myself while you would be so whole and intact. Untouched and above the water while I was drowning in darkness. I don’t know, I’m sorry.» «Why are you apologizing?» Ayato asked. «I read once in old writings that laws regarding spiritual awakening stipulate one shouldn’t love someone in particular and regard humanity as all deserving of the same love, but in a way that love would also mean no earthly attachment-» Naoya stated in a monotone voice. «Naoya, you are stalling. I want to know what YOU think of me.» «Back then or now?» «Now.» «Those feelings don't scare me like they used to, but i think they are part of the reason I’m not able to properly interact with you. It got so complicated so fast and those feelings mostly hurt because I felt like I didn’t have the right to have them. Back then I missed the window opportunity to say my goodbyes and choose not to taint our memories. I guess writing those letters also helped me reach a certain closure.»

«That doesn’t answer my question, but maybe your letter will. May I read those letters when we get back?» Ayato asked with a sly smile.

«There is no chance of that happening.» Naoya blurted out with his ears quivering.

«Come on. You know I always liked your prose.»

«Stop it. Now it’s your turn to tell me how you feel.» Naoya asked, trying to get out of the tight spot he was in. He wasn’t about to confess a childhood crush after having a screaming match with the other person involved.

«I understand better now. The situation was complicated and we weren’t equipped to deal with it. I can see how my attitude made it seem like I was self absorbed, but truly it couldn’t be further from the truth. I would prefer if today was the last day of us not communicating properly and from tomorrow on, we won’t hide anything anymore. Is that something we can do?» Ayato established.

«That’s a given.» Naoya agreed.

«Great. Now tell me if those feelings of yours included love or not.» Ayato went in, taking no hostages.

Naoya jumped at the directness of the question and looked everywhere around them, fidgeting in place while his mind went blank. Of course Ayato would put him on the spot like that.

«Stop teasing me. We haven’t talked in years.» Naoya panicked.

«We are talking now. And you wrote me letters.»

«It’s not the same.»

«What kind of conversation would you like to hold?»

«It’s not that, I-. We were fighting minutes ago.»

«May I kiss you.» Ayato asked softly. The kitsune’s body stifled, but the man’s words still brought Naoya's attention back to Ayato’s face. For a long time Naoya studied Ayato’s facial expression. Was he serious? That had to be the most unexpected course of action possible, which he didn’t anticipate.

«No. You aren’t thinking clearly.» «But you still have feelings for me right? You talked like you still loved me. And I've loved you all this time, so what’s wrong? Never during the time we were apart did my negative thoughts outweigh the positive thoughts I harbored for you. I’ve wanted to do it for so long, and it was even harder during this expedition, but we weren’t able to understand each other. You can see this kiss as the promise of a new beginning without erasing what led us here.» Naoya couldn’t understand how he had not self combust yet. «Not like this and not now. If you still feel like kissing me in a week, then maybe we may consider it. You can’t just expect me to be ok with a 180 like that.» «Deal. Now allow me to give you a welcome back hug at least.» Ayato stood up and opened his arms.

«Welcome back from where? Your outing in Narukami?» «Hey, I had important things to do with the Shumatsuban. You were too distant for my taste. I felt like you never returned from liyue and I was still waiting for you to come back into my life.» Ayato explained. Naoya stood up as well and looked Ayato in the eyes before muttering a promise of his own. «I will work on what we have together and I won’t leave unless of some unforeseeable circumstances. If it was the case I commit myself to tell you 48 hours prior.»

«You better or it’s open season.» Ayato retorted, pulling Naoya against him tightly. Maybe this closeness was more familiar compared to the one of moments ago. Now they had explained themselves and there weren't any interferences left.

«I’m sorry for not being able to be here when you needed me and not coming to see you sooner.» Naoya apologized.

«I’m sorry that I wasn’t attentive to your needs and took you for granted.» Ayato answered.

After a moment of silence Naoya spoke again. «There is one last thing I need to tell you, but it can wait and I would prefer it if we waited for Thoma.»

****

The abandoned house was quiet. Ayato was crouched down over the table and had been asleep for some time now. Naoya was seated on the floor next to the door - pretty much where he was when he talked with Ayato, still thinking about the conversation they had. More importantly he was getting worried Thoma hadn’t come back yet. Maybe he should go see the amiable Kairagi next door to inquire if he had seen him.

Almost as if on cue, the kitsune heard regular footsteps in the distance getting closer and closer. Naoya straightened up and opened the door right away, his haste resulted in Ayato startling awake.

«Oh, you are awake.» Thoma commented plainly.

«I was getting worried, but wanted to give you some space.» Naoya explained, clasping his hands as he braced for Thoma’s possible anger. Ayato peaked from behind the kitsune’s shoulder.

«You didn’t have to worry I was with stray dogs from Higi Village and took them to the river. Did you sort things out?» Thoma asked, lassitude apparent in his tone.

«We-we did!» Naoya answered and turned around to look at Ayato who was nodding his head.

«Good.» Thoma said as he came face to face with Naoya. «Can you move from the doorway, I’d like to go to bed.»

Naoya didn’t know how to react, but complied and moved to the side to allow the venetian blonde to enter the abandoned house.

Thoma made a few steps before hearing a voice behind his back. «Thoma-chi, I’m so sorry. I apologize for what I said earlier. You didn’t deserve that.» Turning around he saw the kitsune kneeling down with his forehead touching the floor. Ayato took notice and was quick to bow in the same way. «We really appreciate you and we are sorry you had to be in the middle of us this whole time.» The commissioner added.

«Stand up. Both of you.» Thoma muttered.

Naoya and Ayato obliged, not knowing what to expect. Thoma menacingly walked toward them and stopped at arm length. He raised his hand and both men closed their eyes waiting for the impact. Thoma brought up his hand perpendicularly and proceeded to chop their heads with a light movement, nothing to hurt them.

«Seems like you did a lot of thinking. I’m glad to hear everything resolved itself.» Thoma said with a sweet smile only he could pull off. «Now let’s get to bed, shall we.»

****

In the early hours of morning, thunder and wind worked in concert to make sure that any sleep the three men could have wouldn’t be of top grade quality. After being woken up one two many times, the trio settled for an early breakfast prepared by Ayao and Naoya who still felt a little guilty for letting their quarrel get to Thoma. The latter enjoyed the act of kindness and was grateful to see his two boys working together for once. The menu consisted of some grilled lavender melons, omelette rice and some dango milk Ayato had brought back with him yesterday.

After most of their plates were emptied, Naoya decided to tackle the last thing on his list of things he wanted to resolve with the boys. 

«So.» Naoya hesitated, breaking the silence. «There is one last thing we kinda need to talk about.»

«Yes Naoya, we can finish the expedition like you wished, but don’t be smug about it.» Ayato stated before taking a long sip of dango milk; it even seemed like he was looking for shelter into his cup at the idea of another confrontation.

«Well that’s great but I meant to talk about… err the reason why you left in a hurry, Ayato and that you worried a lot Thoma. Let’s say I want to talk about my condition.» Naoya cautiously explained.

«Is it about the reason why you fainted during our expeditions?» Thoma enquired.

«Yeah. Naoya let out breathily, further indicating he really didn’t know where to go with this conversation.

«Don’t worry Nao-rin, take your time. And in case you are worried, we won’t be mad. The last few weeks didn’t give you a lot of options to open up.» »Thoma stated, taking charge of the dialogue to help the other.

«Thank you. Hum. I don’t know where to start.» Naoya confessed.

«Start with the beginning.» Thoma answered, trying to lighten the mood.

«Or maybe you could tell a story like you used to do when we were younger.» Ayato offered. «Naoya always made up stories akin to light novels when he wanted to talk about something personal, while not knowing how to.» The light blue-haired man specified for Thoma.

«I can see Guuji Yae’s influence.» Thoma chuckled and smiled at the kitsune to encourage him.

«Right.» Naoya inhaled and the pieces of the story were coming to him. « Long ago there was a little fox that wanted to make his clan very proud of him. When the matriarch asked for him to better his spiritual connection to the Sacred Sakura, the fox obliged and started meditating under its leaves every day. His busy schedule could be overwhelming, but the moments he passed under the tree brought more balance to him. With time, the fox strengthened his connection and his power grew by leaps and bounds making him out to be a great asset for the shrine and his clan.» Naoya paused his memories playing in his head. Thoma reached out and lightly patted the kitsune’s forearm.

«Did the cute little fox happen to have a reddish cordovan fur?» Ayato teased.

«Who said the fox was cute?» Naoya stammered back.

«If I’m not mistaken, the cute fox isn’t so small anymore.» Thoma added.

«Stoooop.» Naoya pleaded, his ears fluttering from the teasing comments.

«I’m sorry, go on.» Ayato apologized.

«You don’t even seem sincere; I’m sure you would tease me again.» Naoya complained. «Anyway, the unknown fox - which you clearly never met, was once more in deep meditation in front of the tree, well it would be more accurate to say with the tree. As he was going deeper and deeper, the fox felt something calling out to him, asking him to follow the roots further into the earth. Naively, the fox continued his descent up until he was hanging from the lowest roots. The feeling was exhilarating, he could feel the whole of Inazuma from there, memories swirling around him. But with his guard lowered the wide-eyed fox was an easy target and he fell prey to the great darkness that lingered after the last calamity. As the fox drowned in the darkness he tried his best to struggle. It took time but after a great deal of effort, he was able to climb back up and ask for help. When the matriarch of the clan heard the plea, she rushed to her protégé's help. Although she would subdue the lingering darkness, she couldn’t make it go away completely.» As he reminisced, Naoya let tears escape down his face alerting the other two men of the kitsune’s ache, who moved closer to hold him. Ayato passed his arm behind the kitsune’s back and hooked his hand on the opposite side, while Thoma opted to cling to the arm he was previously petting.

«From then on, the fox needed to be permanently aware of the darkness that obscured a corner of his mind. After a month or so of recuperating, the fox decided to leave and learn new ways to focus his body and mind. One week later, the kitsune… I sailed the sea and reached liyue in the hope of being able to rebuild myself.»

Naoya chased away his tears and looked to Thoma and saw the worry in his eyes. «Don’t look at me like that, it’s ok.»

«Nao-rin.» Ayato whispered.

«I’m telling you it’s no big deal.» Naoya turned around to see a somber expression painted on his childhood best friend’s face.

«Nao-rin, is that why you felt so inadequate, why you thought you weren’t strong enough to follow me.» Ayato asked while staring at the space in front of him.

Naoya held back his tears which sent trembles through his bodies and nodded with his head affirmatively.

«I’m sorry.» Naoya mustered in between controlled sobs.

«It’s ok we talked about it yesterday. We weren’t equipped to properly talk about those things back then.» Ayato replied. «I’m glad you felt safe enough to tell us now.»

«I know I sounded dramatic, but if I ever spoke of a darkness troubling me, I was in fact referring to the filth and not using some figure of speech.Thank you both for listening.» Naoya acknowledged. «However, the filth isn’t something hard to control anymore, it only creeps up on me when I’m surprised by something like the tatarigami.»

«Are you saying this with the expedition in mind?» Ayato worried.

«Yes. I know it may seem reckless, but I know I can find the Primeval Sakura in Fort Mumei. Whatever that will be waiting for us there doesn’t stand a chance. If I come prepared, you won’t have to worry about me.»

«When do you think you can get ready?» Thoma asked.

«Are you sure you want to do this?» Ayato added.

«Yes, but all this talk about feelings and the lack of sleep got me a bit tired. Even though we woke up not long ago, I feel like napping. I think we all need some sleep actually. After that I give myself until 10 o'clock tomorrow to be standing on those ruines.»

«That can be arranged. Especially the napping part.» Thoma reassured.

As Thoma got up and held out his hand for Naoya to grab it and follow him, Ayato moved out to put their three futons together and gathered the light bedsheet and throw blankets they had with them. In the morning light, Naoya took place in the middle and pulled the cover over him and tossed around to sink in the soft materials already shutting his eyes. Thoma and Ayato suddenly looked like they were having second thoughts; was it really ok to nap together? Was it too soon after everything? Maybe the kitsune would prefer to be alone to rest.

«What are you waiting for? I’ll get cold if I’m napping alone.» Naoya stated, raising himself on his elbows to look up at the other two. His lower eyelids raised up instinctively, highlighting the fact he found their sudden burst of shyness futile.

The two men take place on each side of the kitsune; Thoma settled on his back while Ayato was on his side facing the kitsune's profile. As he felt the sleepiness seap in, Naoya turned on his side to be more comfortable. His change of position brought him closer to the housekeeper, so much so that it prompted Thoma to pull him closer against his side, so the kitsune would rest his head on the venetian blonde man’s chest and pass his arm on his stomach.

«Hum.» Naoya whispered.

«Are you uncomfortable? I thought you might be cold.» Thoma asked, his green eyes letting out a facetious glint, happy with the reaction he obtained from the kitsune.

«Is this really ok?» Naoya asked, while his fox ears cutely quivered back, which didn’t not escape the eye of the housekeeper.

«Of course it is. I felt it would be much more comfortable that way.» Thoma reassured.

«Thank you.» Naoya answered before nuzzling onto the man’s chest.

Before Ayato even had time to sulk, the kitsune searched for Ayato’s arm behind him and pulled it over him, befittingly making the other the bigger spoon. He maintained his hold on the commissioner's hand and went as far as intertwining their fingers together and resting them on Thoma’s stomach. Soon a third hand covered theirs, completing their embrace. Naoya knew that he would overheat sooner or later trapped like he was, but that concern faded away as he fell asleep in their arms.

[crackinglamb]

Hi! I hope it isn’t too much trouble, but I’d like to ask how or why you decided to write Twist? And then also how and why you decided to write Wicked Games a little bit after. Did you wanna explore different relationships with characters when having a different personality in your ‘Modern Girl’ or different goals, because Carly talked Solas down and guided him into a different path, while Imogen seems to want him to go through with his plans with her help and a large dose of “what the heck is the canon timeline?” I love both of the stories, I might reread them again to help with the Modern Girl in Thedas withdrawals.

I ask because I’ve been reading “Modern Girl/Person in Thedas” stories and really wanna try my hand at them, I just feel like I am only writing it for little one shot type interactions between characters, and don’t really know why I’d actually have a “Modern Girl” be sent to Thedas, how and why, and what they would do, If your willing to give insight I’d love to hear it. I just hope I’m not a bother.

Oh no, you're not a bother at all! Thank you so much for this ask!! I love to talk about how I fell down this rabbit hole! I hope you're ready for a dissertation, because this got really long. 💕💕💕

I came to Dragon Age backwards. I didn't know anything about the series other than a lot of people liked it and had very strong opinions about it. Then a fellow writer began to write a Varric/Hawke story and I read it because I wanted to support her return to posting.

And I fell in love with a world I'd never seen.

I realized that, due to its age, I actually did know more about the games than I thought I did. I knew the ending already, and who this bald dude was that had the fandom so divided. A classic villain, right? Wrong. Some people think he's just terrible and some people defend him to the death. Some people think he's terrible but don't let that stop them from defending him to the death. So what was the real deal?

I did some research (because at that point I was writing my own Varric/Hawke fic and I'll still die on that ship hill. Anyways...moving on). I discovered that everything I thought I knew about Solas was skewed by fandom interpretation. Which is valid. I mean, all our opinions end up that way when it comes to fandom, right? All interpretation is subjective. But the fact remains that Solas interprets the world around him through the eyes of the Inquisitor and how they treat him. And that is player based. Low approval proves his opinion that this is a world not fit to live it. High approval shows him that his decision is going to destroy something beautiful, but he still feels he needs to do it.

I got to thinking about what it would take to stop him. Through the course of watching his romance, reading a lot of meta and lore posts and listening to his companion banter, I had a headcannon emerge: Solas could only be stopped by someone who knew what he was doing from the start.

But that's not gonna happen in canon. He already allegedly killed the only person who knew. (Seriously, #saveFelassan) So who else would make him rethink it?

The answer that came to me was a person he needed, so he couldn't risk eliminating them. The Inquisitor who bears his mark. I then went a step further, and decided that someone who knew all his secrets and plans, and who could possibly help him shift them, would have to be from our world. Enter the Modern Girl in Thedas, because I love a good romance, and I wanted a happy ending to this otherwise tragic love story.

And Carly was born. A modern gamer girl, sucked through to a fictional world because the universe is vast and unknowable (and certain wisps of certain Evanuris like to nudge). I'd read a bunch of fic by the time I started writing Twist, including some self-insert types. None of them told him flat out from the beginning. So I determined that she would. She'd tell him what she knew and try to persuade him that his plans were awful and that if he wanted to claim he wasn't a monster, then he'd have to find another way.

I knew from the start that I wanted her to save the orb, because losing that is what tips the scales for Solas. Losing that means he has to find power from somewhere else and sets him on his path of death. Saving the orb meant his plans, while derailed, weren't ruined. Yes, I know in Trespasser he'll tell the Inquisitor that the world would have burned in raw chaos while he rewrote it, but considering the nature of magic and reality on Thedas, I think that's more due to human reaction than any actual destruction simply based on the lifting of the Veil. Demons are real and represent emotion. Humans look down on elves and do everything they possibly can to oppress them. Like the colonizers they are. Of course they'd react to an elven demigod rewriting the world to give his people back their strength poorly.

And then covid hit. Twist rapidly became a beacon of fluffy stability to my readers. It was an escape from the literal dumpster fire that my country was, so I was highly motivated to keep writing it. To keep it light and happy and epic in a way that felt satisfying to everyone. So that's what I did.

But...

I still hadn't played Inquisition when I started (and I still need to play the other two). I was missing so much of the nuance of the world. In the end, Twist wasn't the story I really wanted to tell. I mean, I'm proud of it, and I love it. I am deeply humbled and gratified to know how many people look at Carly with love and admiration. I love hearing how many times a reader has opened it up and binged it. That kind of feedback is the lifeblood of a writer, as I always say.

Wicked Game is the story I wanted to write. A little grittier, a little more plausible in keeping with the lore. Having Imogen be human gave her the power to call out other humans on their bigotry. And to show Solas that he's not the only one who can see how damaged the world is and want to fix it. Having her be a scientist gives me a chance to explore how magic works, and what the Veil really is after a year of immersing myself in this world. Yeeting canon so thoroughly came from thinking about the major plot points and what could be changed about them from the POV of a character who knows how this is all 'supposed' to happen...and the resultant fallout from her decisions.

Imogen can see the forest for the trees. Her outsider perspective gives her all sorts of insights on her companions and the world at large. The fact that she falls ass over teakettle for the Dread Wolf against her own better judgment is just a good trope. Having him do the same is my clapback against his racially locked romance. (Here's where I'm gonna throw out my own extra kudos to writers who also portray Solas as bisexual, because dammit, he should be. Immortal beings would not bend to any heteronormative conventions.)

Carly and Imogen have rather similar motivations behind them: they want to save the world and not lose him. They often go about it in similar ways too. I guess the biggest difference between them is that now I know what I'm doing and I have more confidence in my storytelling ability. Neither of them is a self-insert. Plenty of people do that and that's totally valid. I'm just not really a fan of it myself. These two characters are no different to me than any other OC starting out at the beginning of the game. They just have slightly more backstory than the average Inquisitor.

Now, in regards to you writing your own and feeling like all you have are oneshot ideas. Go for it. Doesn't matter if they're oneshots. A story doesn't have to be hundreds of thousands of words to be awesome or complete. Write what YOU want to read. The best reason to make a character be a certain way, like being MCIT, is because you want them to be. No other justification is necessary. The only rules in storytelling are grammar ones, and even those are iffy at best. The only courtesy if you decide to go ahead and share it is don't plagiarize and tag it properly. That's it. The sky's the limit and up for grabs. Go forth and be bold.

[sagesilentfire]

I'm looking for a trans sensitivity reader (for Marcie) and possibly a poc sensitivity reader (for the monsters vs mewmans plot), so if you're available, please tell me, and we'll figure something out.

Forgive my inability to draw humans, please.

I know this is a big departure from my usual content, so I'd like to make sure you know that watching SVTFOE is not necessary to enjoy this AU, as everything needed to understand the plot is explained in-story. In fact, I'd love to have someone who's never even heard of a svftoe to read it so I can make sure it makes its own logical sense.

Anyways... 

(putting this under a read more for your scrolling purposes)

Hi. I'm Sage, and I would like to talk about a show I really liked. The past tense being the operative, as it used to be good, but...

I started watching SVTFOE after watching the great Steven Universe, which meant I had high expectations for it. And it met those expectations! From the beginning I was hooked. It was a good show. But as the seasons went on, it started to... rot.

Now, something to know about me is that I do not invest myself wisely. I love the things I love deeply and with passion. I get attached easily, and I love to theorize about the things I love. So I was heartbroken when SVTFOE ended the way it did, with none of my questions answered.

And when my theories were better than canon, well, that meant I had a new project: a complete rewrite of Star vs. the Forces of Evil. This AU will start similar to canon, but gradually diverge from it until it's something completely new. It will also have five separate "seasons".

So here's my AU: Star and Marcie and The Forces Of Evil (aka samatfoe). This AU will tear apart the scraps of lore that we got from SVTFOE and expand on it and make new lore, all narrated by my lovely OC, Sílthéy. And I promise I will get to as much as possible. If you're worried, check the titles of all of the chapters, which will hopefully reassure you that, yes, I will get to everything (or at least everything I've thought of ;)).

Dramatis Personae:

Star: Star will mostly stay the same in the first few seasons, but I'll try to have her actually grow and mature while staying a good person in the later seasons. She'll also be a bit more fire-aligned, because I wanted to be able to tell my Star and the canon Star apart easily. (She also doesn't get those wings until Mewberty.)

Marcie: is a trans girl. The entire second "episode" will be about her being trans. And I will, again, try to not have her act like a jerk in later seasons. She also won't be an adult trapped in a teenager's body, as that was waaay too weird for me. Instead she won't age in the Neverzone, period, and there will be an episode dedicated to her re-adjusting to Earth and discussing what the whole "spent a decade and a half in eight minutes" thing means for her. And, of course, she'll be more involved with the Mewni plot, as she will be interested in learning the lore behind Mewni from the beginning and push Star to find out more about Mewni.

Ludo: Ludo's story will not effectively end with the Battle for Mewni. He will get a redemption arc, with all the pitfalls and trip-ups that come with that. And all of his flaws and issues will be brought up, now just forgiving him for everything he did because he had bad parents. And Dennis will continue to be a cinnamon roll. Some things never change.

Buff Frog/Yvgeny: will not change. He is good lad.

Toffee: This is the big one. Where to start, and how to start it without spoiling everything I have planned? Well, let me tell you this: Toffee is getting a complete overhaul. For one thing, I now made them agender for various complicated reasons that will be revealed in-story, eventually. And for another thing, they will get an actual backstory and personality! Isn't that a novel idea! And they will not die abruptly and nonsensically in Battle for Mewni, so don't worry about that.

Jackie: Oh, Jackie. You poor dear. Jackie will not be delegated to the role of "one-time love interest who just skateboards out of the plot". First of all, Marcie will only have a squish (a platonic crush) on her, because I don't trust my aro/ace self with the weird things people in romantic love do to get together, but I do know what it's like to desperately want to be friends with someone. Secondly, while she will be out of the spotlight in later seasons, it'll be because she's on an exchange trip to France, not because we're abandoning her character and her world for no good reason.

Janna: never changes. Pretty sure she's the one constant of the multiverse.

Tom: will have his redemption arc earlier in the story so I can use him for things, but other than that will not change much.

Moon: First of all, she will not betray everything her daughter stands for by siding with Mina this time. There are plenty of other ways Mina could rise to power, so there's no need to ruin her character by making her do a stupid, illogical thing that even a five-year-old would see was stupid. I mean, she's still going to be kind of racist, but she's well-established to be level-headed and even a little clever, so she will not do something that would so obviously blow up in her face. Secondly, she will be a bad ruler, hence why Mewni is a total mess, but she will learn and become better and help Star's efforts to improve Mewni.

Glossaryck: is... changing. He won't "lose" his sanity for season three, but he will also not be in a totally heroic role. It's a complicated thing and a bit of a spoiler, so I'll leave it at that. Also, he's a dragon now Because Reasons (no, seriously, I have a reason for it. It's also a spoiler).

River: River will be goofy, like usual, but he won't be plot-destroyingly stupid. I'll try my best to not make you question why he's even king while still making him a foil to Moon. It's the tightrope I must walk.

Angie and Raphael: Will not completely disappear from the plot in later seasons, but will instead be like a second family to Star and will be a refuge when her overbearing Butterfly side gets too much.

Kelly: Will not be involved in a stupid romantic subplot with Marcie. Sorry. Other than that, Kelly will remain pretty much the same, aside from now being tiny, because that's just how she came out in my art. She's pretty cool.

Miss Heinous: Will not be Meteora this time around. I disliked how Heinous hurt so many people and was a horrible person, but as soon as her Tragic Backstory™ was revealed, all that pain and suffering she caused was ignored in favor of making her Super Duper Tragic™. So I'm separating the characters. Don't worry, though, she'll get the backstory and character arc she deserves.

Saint Olga: Saint Olga will be the main motivator for Miss Heinous's actions, as she is desperate to please the robot. Other than that, Saint Olga won't actually get much character. She's a bad guy, pure and simple.

Meteora: will not turn into a baby. She will deal with the consequences of her actions like a mature, responsible sixteen-year-old. But because she's sixteen, things won't be too harsh when she does snap. She'll still have her mother and father to help her and guide her.

Eclipsa: Regarding Eclipsa's design, I tried to make her fat, but... I don't know if it translates well in my art. I'm just not that good at art yet. But aside from that, making her cheekmarks dark gray (spades are a black card, not a red card! That bugged me so unreasonably much), and giving her as much of a connection to Toffee as the show implied, I'm not changing much about her. She was one of the good characters.

Globgor: Will have fought against mewmans in the past, but not have eaten them (what were the writers thinking?! Making your metaphorical poc eat people is... not good). And it will be more of a case of Star and Eclipsa knowing he is good and should be released from the crystal, but the general mewman populace not accepting it, until Cornonation, where he proves he's a good guy.

Shinjai: Is a new character I am thrilled to introduce to you all! She came from me thinking that for someone who supposedly wants to end mewman-monster racism, Star sure doesn't have any monster friends (Buff Frog doesn't count. He's an adult, and they don't really hang out so much). So here's Shinjai! She's a septarian, and is introduced instead of Princess Smooshy in Sleep Spells. She's a very minor minor monster noble, and her family has about as much political power as your average worm on a sidewalk after it rains, but all noble monsters must go to Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty, so she runs away and gets help from Star and Marcie. She's mostly made to replace Pony Head: she's spunky and... uh, actually she's nothing like Pony Head. She's also unafraid of asking difficult questions and knows more about the plot than she lets on.

Rasticore: is very different from his canon counterpart: he only allies with Heinous and Saint Olga to keep an eye on them for ~someone~, and thoroughly dislikes them, despite agreeing to their mission. He also can regenerate as quickly as Toffee, he just chooses not to for ~reasons~. He also has a mysterious partner, but we all know it's – *gets clubbed over the head by Síthéy*

Mina: Making fun of mental illnesses isn't funny kids. Therefore, Mina is the only neurotypical member of the cast. She does boring neurotypical things like... I dunno, cleaning? And she's still a threat: bigotry and hatred are not exclusive to people with mental illnesses, after all.

Lilacia: Now, Lilacia Pegasus, the horse formerly known as Pony Head, will... exist. She won't be as overwhelmingly annoying, hopefully, as she is in canon. And to make sure she feels consequences for her actions, there will be a subplot in season two about her and Star growing apart as Star grows and leaves Lilacia's annoying party girl antics behind. Lilacia will have to realize that her immature actions are making Star leave her behind, and she'll have to grow as a person because of it.

Then there's a mysterious character who is very mysterious and does mysterious things and has a mysterious personality and is generally mysterious... mysterious. She'll be introduced in the second season and will be as mysterious as promised, I swear.

And finally, of course, it will be narrated by Sílthéy. She will tell this story, and her part in it, for all to hear. Or read? It's a bit of a strange medium, storytelling on paper. Or on a screen, whatever.

Now, of course, by now you must be wondering: What about the shipping? The shipping's the most important part, right? Well, here is my answer: There will be no ship wars. There will be no love dodecahedrons. There will be no cheating, no lies, no throwing other characters under the bus for stupid romantic drama. Why? BECAUSE STAR AND MARCIE ARE BOTH ARO/ACE. Suck on that, Starco! I am the last person to trust romantic drama with, so all of the romantic relationships in this bandwagon will be established, healthy relationships that have decades of chosen love and appreciation for one another behind them. And past!Tomstar and brief, schoolchild-crush-esque Star/Oskar but that doesn't count.

So, I believe that about wraps things up for this post. I'll start posting chapters soon, and will post two chapters every other week, and I'll release the descriptions of them two weeks before I post them. If you have any questions, please ask them! I want to work on my drawing skills, so I might even draw something for them!

Description for next episodes:

Star's Birthday: Star is a young, wild princess who is about to receive her family's most precious heirlooms.

Trouble in Diazland: Star is put under the care of the Diaz family, but can't quite seem to connect with their son, Marco.

And, finally, I have thank yous! These are mostly people I watched but haven't really interacted with yet, so if you get tagged know that you don't know me, I just followed you for svtfoe content. And for, you know, your personality.

Thanks to ankle-beez for being hilarious and reminding me why I made this AU when you relentlessly drag svtfoe. Thank you to @full-moon-phoenix, @dappercritter, and the lizard squad for my regular dose of Toffee. Thank you morningmark and @jess-the-vampire for keeping me invested in svtfoe as a whole. Thanks to svtfoe-critical and @twinklecupcake for good ideas. Thank you to TBlofeld on AO3 for your amazing AU, Monsters, Mewmans, Magic, that, while we took things and ran in completely opposite directions, still inspired me to complete mine. And thank you to Blue Order, whose deeply hilarious and deeply accurate video "How Star Vs the Forces of Evil Fell From Grace" inspired me to create this story in the first place. And, of course, thank you to whoever on the svtfoe wiki writes down the transcripts to every episode. You've helped me so much. I admit that I didn't follow all of your guys' advice, but you did help me get here, every one of you. So thank you.

[mirroredprodigies]

/sends my url for a baby powdering

 [ ♛ ] send me a url and i’ll tell you the following; accepting            

my opinion on;

character in general: Allie writes very niche characters, and to my shame I have to admit that I didn’t even know Pitt was in the manga despite reading it thoroughly a few times, and that when Othello appeared my initial reaction was “do we really need more of these?” What an ignorant fool I was. I have not known Allie for long, and roleplayed with her even less, but it is all thanks to her that I now pay more attention to side characters who with a first glance appear to be meaningless. Take Pitt, for example, who keeps making appearances more and more often as chapters go by, even though at first I thought he was just some rushed design for a photographer who happened to be needed in the story. Same goes for Othello, who in his goofiness seemed out of place in a story such dark as the blood arc was, but who has said some very intriguing things about how the Dispatch works, how shinigamis work, how shinigamis also have something to do with bizarre dolls (other than just slaying them), and will without a doubt play even bigger role in the future. He has history with UT, remember? These are details I would have missed if Allie’s fun and spot on portrayal had not made me love his weird goofy character.And there is Edward too. I just wanted to add his name here.how they play them: Allie is one of those gems who chooses muses that have been seen in the background of about eight panels in three chapters in a 30 volumes long story, adopting them, tweaking them where appropriate and fleshening out their character through facts that are known in canon. One would expect this to result in a weird mismatched Frakenstein’s monsters or OC’s with faces of canon characters, but that is not the case. She can truly make a character that I have never even noticed feel interesting and fleshed out, turning them into people with their own goals and motives without ever deriving from what little is known about the original portrayal.I have never done someone do so as successfully as Allie, and this is something I genuinely admire and respect about her. To answer the question ‘how she plays them?’ I have nothing. How does she do it? The ingredients, passion aside, are a mystery to me.the mun: Allie is an absolute sweetheart. I don’t know if anyone is ever told her that, but she is incredibly charismatic. She is just the right amount of welcoming and cheerful, easily excitable but also knowleable, level-headed when it comes to drama and hurt feelings, and very open-minded when it comes to interacting with people who don’t fit the mold. How exactly are people like her made? I don’t know.I was quite intimidated by Allie at first (is anyone sensing a pattern here?) but she made it easy to relax around her quickly and feel like my awkwardness is not a hindrance at all. Allie is a person I want to grow close to, and hopefully continue keeping in touch even if this hellsite gets nuked or we hop in different fandoms.She also has a great taste in vidya.

do i;

follow them: Yesrp with them: Yeswant to rp with them: Yesship their character with mine: I don’t, but I would if it made sense in some story.

what is my;

overall opinion: - That mature mom friend that is actually 10 years old.- Can be both your son AND your grandpa.- A man of culture, invested in Nier lore.- Goes from an angel to a lil shit in 0,4 seconds, but still acts like an angel. - Underrated.- Meditates but instead of seeking fulfillment thinks about underrepresented side muses.

@reapsickle

**Note: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty.

[ashfxrd]

Embrace the Evil - Nano ‘19 Day 2

In which I talk Drow OCs, why the Vox Machina Graphic Novel is life, and might have to come to terms with the fact that I am indeed no longer a pantser. (If you are interested in the making of a Critical Role Fanfiction you are more than welcome to jump over all the blog stuff and scroll straight to the next headline.)

Lo and behold! It is November, National Novel Writing Month. And instead of, you know, writing said novel I am dusting off this blog. Sounds like a bad idea, doesn’t it?

But since I am trying something new this November I thought it would be fitting to do something completely new. Like, you know, stick to my goals for one. And here I am, updating you all on the writing process. And most importantly, explaining why I am not working on an original project this month.

I spend the last three Nanos on original projects. I never finished said projects, at least not enough to send them off to my beta readers. And when this Nano approached I felt really truly sad about that fact. I love my books, I truly do, but one is a giant baby with 120 thousand words that need to be revised and mostly rewritten, the other is somewhere around the 70 thousand mark, and not better off at all. So I was hit with doubt even before Nano started. Why write another 50+ word monster when I still have so much work to do on the other two?

Now this year was rather rough for me, due to personal problems and health issues within my immediate family. I set out with great creative goals and ended up not being able to reach any of them. I simply had no time for writing. And believe me, I was so ready for Nano. I was ready to delve headfirst back into the maze that my mind sometimes turns into, I was ready to experience a new story, a new adventure.

But I was not ready to write something serious. I was not ready to write something with the thought of publishing it one day, I was not ready to write something that needed to be good. But that is not the point of Nano anyway, is it?

So I had a long talk with my wonderful CP, thought about it quite thoroughly, and then finally decided I would start something new. Instead of starting a new original project - I had no time for outlining and world-building anyway, let alone inspiration - I was going to write a fanfiction. A real and true fanfiction.

Set in Tal’Dorei.

And why? Because I spend almost all of October prepping a DnD campaign for my friends and whenever I read something about Mercer’s world I thought to myself “Oh my gosh! This would make such an amazing setting for one of my stories!” I created NPCs that seemed so interesting to me that I wanted to spend even more time with them (A half-elf Drow, princess of thieves for example), but all of it was too cheesy, too high-fantasy, too standard, to fit into any of my original work. Lately, whenever I am working on my fantasy novel I am hit with that doubt, that little voice that tells me this has been done before. And during Nano I did not want to have to listen to this voice. I wanted to have fun, to remind myself of why I love writing, why I love creating in the first place. And maybe even end up creating something I could share with such an amazing and talented fandom.

So I told myself, I will use Mercer’s amazing world, my cheesy RPG NPCs, and write a nice little story with that.

Three days before Nano the panic set in. So I tried to outline, at least a little, only a few scenes... Something! I needed a starting point. I used to be a full pantser, going into a story with no outline and having no idea what to do. And I used to pants approximately 15 - 30 thousand words before hitting the first real obstacle. But I always ended up having to revise too much. So I trained myself to rely more on outlines. But this Nano would be different, this Nano would be fun. This Nano would be nothing but High Fantasy galore, pantsing, jumping around, ADVENTURE!

Now, you see, there is a reason I am DM, not player. I HATE PANTSING.

Gosh, I cannot believe I just said that. I was always a pantser at heart. But I am sitting here, wading through the murky waters of a new story, and I do not know where I want to go with these characters. I have no idea who they are! I have no idea what they want! I have no idea why I should even write the story if there is no ending insight!

Do not get me wrong, I am doing great so far. I am writing my words and hitting my goals. But it is only day 2 and there are still a lot of words to write. Maybe, I thought to myself, I do need at least a little more planning.

The first thing I did, as always, was spending more time on my characters. Which gets us to the first real topic of this tiny little series (except for my pantser-crisis):

DROW.

Now if you are familiar with Dungeons&Dragons, The Forgotten Realms, or similar fantasy concepts you may have heard of the Drow. Well, you will definitely have heard of them, let’s be real here. The Drow, the dark elves of the Underdark, are a deprived and terrible society of evil creatures, lurking in the night and taking away innocent souls to serve them as slaves in their bloody cities. They bow only to Loth, the Spider Goddess.

And I love them.

Honestly. I love a good villain, and the Drow are nothing but pure evil villains. I blame my cousins for this love for Drow because they did not only introduce me to DnD when I was like twelve years old but have been talking about and adoring Drizzt do’Urden for as long as I can remember. I should admit, right here and right now, that I never read a book by Salvatore, I only got into DnD a few months ago, and I watched like one full episode of Critical Role. I would not be me though if I did not delve headfirst into this obsession.

Drizzt do’Urden is the exception when it comes to Drow. He is not a villain, he is a hero. He battles the villains and he is an outcast, an elf whose kin turned on him because of that fact. It is exactly the kind of story that is gripping and interesting, the kind of hero you wish to follow until the end. But I wanted my Drow to be different. She was brought up in the Underdark for the first five years of her life before her human father saved her from that dreadful place. He brought her to his home and raised her. There was the possibility of her turning out not evil because of the good upbringing, but I decided to make him a Spireling of the Clasp. Because I cannot have nice things. I wanted this story to be about to half-elves, one Drow and one not, struggling with who they really are, where their place is in this world. I wanted to explore the age-old question of nature vs. nurture. I wanted my nice Drow OC to stumble into the Underdark, to see what her people are capable of and end up questioning if she herself is capable of such dark things. I wanted her to fear her true nature, to battle it. I wanted her to stand victorious as many times as she will be defeated.

I wanted to tell a tale in which there is neither good nor evil, but only a lot of grey.

But it turns out writing Villains as the heroes of a story is not that easy. Where one character is troubled to see her father’s true nature when he is both, Spiraling of the Clasp and caring parent, I struggle to write such a complex person without it all becoming way too cheesy.

So my initial plan of pantsing my way through this fanfiction and exploring it all as I went along failed on Day 2. Yay me.

But fear not! I dove into research, refreshed my lore, and read about the best ways of playing a Drow in a DnD campaign. (Let me get one thing straight, playing a believable character in DnD, or DMing a good campaign consist of the same things as writing a good character/ story). There was one article that dealt with the “Embracing the Evil” part of playing a Drow. The author of said article made a point in saying that there are way too many good Drow OCs out there and that evil does not always equal evil.  And I am now sitting here, wondering about nurture vs nature myself, wondering about how evil I can make my characters and still have the readers care for them, still have them 3d.

Because let us be real, there is no reason to read something if you do not care about the characters in it. There is no reason for writing something if you do not care about the characters in it.

It is back to the drawing board for me, peppering my story with some really evil characters - Drow and not Drow - before I can find an answer to those questions that satisfies me enough.

Vox Machina and Stilben.

Which gets me to the next important part of my story: Setting.

Early September my Mom got me the Tal’Dorei campaign guide for my birthday. Because a) I love world-building more than anything, b) I needed a setting for our growing DnD campaign and c) I adore getting lost in Fantasy Worlds. After I decided that my Nano project would take place in that world I started to flip through the book, searching for a place that could fit my story. I knew I did not want to start in one of the major cities and I knew I needed a port. I also knew that the struggle between Clasp and Myriad would be a thing in the story.

It did not take long for me to find Stilben. A stinking coastal town at the edge of the K’Tawl swamp. It just sounded perfect! And it had the Clasp struggling against the Myriad, it had amazing adventures around it, great world-building, and a direct route to the main city! I adored the region and could not wait to throw my characters into it. There was a small paragraph in the Campaign Guide saying that Vox Machina had one of their first adventures within the K’Tawl Swamp, but since I hadn’t really watched the series yet I thought it to be only a tiny bit of background knowledge.

I spend a few days reading about the place, the religions there, the monsters, and so forth. On Friday - yesterday - I got up even earlier than usual to get some writing time in and start Nanowrimo off right. I wrote the first scene, in which members of the Claps break and enter into a ship from Wildemount to steal from the Myriad. I wanted to have this flashback of them meeting one of my MCs five years prior to the events of the story. The idea was to have my two side characters interfere with the Myriads business, working for the Clasp, and five years my MCs do the same, but now the conflict has only grown and their interference leads to an escalation.

It needed to take place on a ship because the Myriad was about to smuggle my MC out of the country. That was like the only thing I knew about this scene (or the general backstory of said MC) before I sat down to write it. But once I started to write the words just kept flowing and all fell into place. It was truly a magical start to this year’s Nano. Later that day I was able to leave work a lot earlier than expected, but I missed the train and had a few minutes of time to kill in the city. An interesting twist of fate, looking back to it now. I went to the local comics and book shop, thinking I could maybe get something for our DnD campaign. But on the way there I remembered that there is actually a Vox Machina Origins Graphic Novel out there and that I could see and read more about Tal’Dorei! So to celebrate the beginning of Nano, a month I had waited for almost all year, I decided to see if fate would allow me to buy that book. I looked it up on Goodreads to know the exact name and read the Synopsis.

(...) following six would-be heroes as they uncover a plot to destroy the small coastal town of Stilben.

I stopped in my tracks. Could I write a story that takes place in Stilben without it feeling too much like a rip-off? Without copying too much of Mercer’s work?

But I reminded myself that I was already taking a lot of Mercer’s work into my own story. The entire world-building for once! And it was supposed to be a fanfiction after all, there was nothing wrong in using the same setting as the original. Even better, since we are talking a graphic novel buying it would enable me to see Stilben instead of simply reading about it. And how many times can you say that you are really seeing the world of your story in front of you? Brought to life by someone else?

I remembered that Liam O’Brien, cast member of Critical Role, said something during their fall update video along the lines of wanting to tell stories and inspiring others to do the same. And as I walked to the Comic Store I was more than just inspired. I was totally hyped. Only to find out though, that our small Comic Store no longer sold English Graphic Novels and Comics. The internet destroyed that market for them. Perchance they could order it for me though? I thought about going home and ordering it online myself, which would mean I’d get it a lot earlier than ordering through the store. But I was there to support local booksellers and so I said, yes please, order it for me. Too bad the guy couldn’t find it online either! I got really frustrated when suddenly the cover art loaded on his computer and he went all “Oh, is this that Critical Role stuff?” YES. YES, IT IS. He told me they might still have some German issues... and wait, what? There is a German issue? I hadn’t known. He told me it hadn’t been released that long ago and I think he found it kind of funny how happy I was, clutching my new book and almost running out of his shop to read.

Fate indeed.

On my train ride home I read the first few pages and dearly enjoyed it. But even better, the book has a city map of Stilben in the back! I could choose a street, even a house in which my MCs could grow up in. I knew how their backyard was looking like, I knew how the other people in their city were looking like, and acting. This graphic novel was a gold mine of inspiration. And it got better with every page I turned.

Me, meeting a real Spireling of the Clasp? Check. The book taking place early on when the struggle between the Clasp and the Myriad is slowly beginning? Check. The Myriad having their secret lair inside a ship and working from there? DOUBLE CHECK.

It all felt so right. Part of the story I wanted to write had already been written and my little idea just fit perfectly into the picture, like a piece of the puzzle. I wondered if people would read it, maybe like or even adore it, I wondered if my little story idea could really become a part of this wonderful and amazingly thought-through world, even if it was just inside my own head. And instead of discouraging me, the idea inspired me. Because, and yes I am going to be cheesy and quoting the theme in just a few seconds, how am I to find out if the story truly has the potential to become part of the puzzle if not through writing it? It is time to take a chance and roll the dice, it seems.

Reading this graphic novel during the last two days has been an absolute joy. The art is amazing, I adore how so much of the story is told through the facial expressions and there is always something going on in the background. It was amazing to see these characters brought to life in such a different way. I can only recommend it!

But the one thing it truly did was inspire me to tell this story even more. It just feels more right than before to use Stilben as a setting, to start from that point and see where the adventure will take me. Maybe, someday, I will take you all along for the ride! Fret not, I am pretty sure this is the only Nanowrimo Update post that will be this long.

Until then, Happy Writing my lovely Cupcakes! As always feel free to leave any questions or critic! ♥

Marie