#Can you tell that ive been mentally unwell for almost my entire life?

[luigis-slut]

"I could fix him" "I could make her worse"

Well, I probably couldn't fix him but I could recommend her a nice therapist or possibly a quality short-term inpatient facility. I could be part of their support network as per the safety plan that their psychiatrist created for them.

[idio-cies]

Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is. 

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying 

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying). 

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong 

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics. 

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9. 

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective... 

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho” 

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here 

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/ 

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well. 

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level. 

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to! 

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^ 

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭

[eggjordie]

I suffer from ???

Recently I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and CFS. I find that such a surreal thing to say now, considering in those 8 words is almost 2-3 years of the hardest period of my life, and now its over. Sort of. Kind of. Actually, not really, but that's what people think when I tell them. In 2015 I watched the entire series of House M.D (that’s 8 seasons, 177 episodes in case you were wondering. Here, normally, I would make a joke about not having a life but it was, in fact, my life for a good few months). Generally a person gets sick, doctors don’t know what it is - sometimes they shrug it off, tell the patient and their family its ‘nothing’ - House and his team somehow notice this special case, they go through a series of trial and error while the patient is suffering or perhaps nearing death and then they usually solve the riddle. This is the process many medical shows follow. Sometimes they recognize that the patient may never get well again, despite diagnoses, and its kind of sad and stuff. But life resumes and then it’s time to play the next episode.

This gave me a false hope for my health story. Maybe I’m one of the few who have dealt with the same, but I’d like to share my experience of the grey area of the medical world and the suffering that so many with chronic, invisible illnesses experience. Because it sucks. It really, truly sucks. Spoiler alert! You don't get your own special diagnostics team and noo one tells you of the ‘limbo’ period where you’re floating through tests, specialists and appointments while people around you are trying to figure out what you have. I, albeit childishly, thought life would stop while this all went on. But it didn’t. I still had the worries of rent and bills while I was being tested for a brain tumor. There was still those thoughts every person in their 20′s go through - what will I do, where will I go, what will I achieve - during a short synacthen test and seeing an Endocrinologist. I could go on, but I’ll save you my entire medical history. The fact is, life continues, even when its crumbling around you.

I thought I was dying. It sounds melodramatic, believe me I’m well aware, but I truly did. Yet it was like no one believed me, as if I was in one of those shitty dreams where you’re trying to scream and cry but you cant and people are laughing at you, but it wasn’t a dream. This was where I entered what I call the Judgement Era of invisible illnesses, and it’s an era that has not yet ended. Because suddenly general practitioners were getting bored of my case, my doctor who had studied harder than I could ever imagine to be a medical professional, whom we are told when we are children are trusted to help us when we are unwell, couldn’t figure out what I had. So she started reverting to the usual; you’re overweight, you’re lazy, you’ve been working too hard, you just need to wait a few months its just a - a um, thing, but you’ll be fine, here’s a name to a yoga place it might help, have a nice day. She sent me for tests less and less until eventually it got to The Question. I capitalize that for a reason;

“How have you been feeling lately?”

Now, don’t get me wrong. Mental illnesses are a serious issue and I’m happy that there's more attention surrounding it, but in my case where I certainly did not have a mental illness as a cause for my health issues this Question will forever be the bane of my existence. Because depression is suddenly the safe diagnoses and it angers me, not just for my case, but for people who actually suffer with it. It belittles their suffering. It damages the progress mental illness awareness has made in the past few years. By diagnosing people without depression with depression you are undermining a very serious illness. But, despite my physical symptoms (correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m fairly certain depression doesn’t cause extreme, unexplained pain) this was what I apparently had. I saw quite a lot of doctors and they all reverted to the same thing. Depression.

Ive always been a very positive person, even through all of the shit Ive had to go through in the past few years. People who know me will tell you, I’m not sick because I’m depressed, I am depressed because I am sick. How have I been feeling lately? Is that a joke? How do you think I’d be feeling after all this time. After being told I have a brain tumor, to cancer, to addisons disease, to cushings syndrome, to heart disease and now being told I’m just overweight, lazy and depressed? Pretty damn shit, if I do say so myself. But I couldn't say that, because any inkling that I might be a little bit sad they would refer me to a counselor, clap their hands and say job well done. I knew. I wasn’t stupid.

After so long of dealing with this of course I had done my own research. Dr. Google might be awful for many reasons and I don't condone self diagnosing at all, but sometimes you just have to trust yourself. Because during this period of uncertainty in my life - I had just given up my career for my health, I didn’t know whether I was truly dying or not and I still had a life out of my bed that I needed to try to live - I was being questioned by family and friends. What did I have? Well, I’m not sure. What was the new prognosis that month? When would I get help? I was playing 20 questions with everyone, the same questions I was asking myself. All I could say was ‘I suffer from ???’.

It’s disheartening to say the least. This limbo period where you cant trust doctors or just anyone to believe what you’re pleading so you begin to doubt yourself. And that, in my personal experience, leaves you in a very dark place.

I got the usual advice from friends and family. Try yoga, go gluten free or vegan, have you tried this? Has your doctor tested you for that? What if it’s this? I know they mean well, and I truly did try everything they suggested. People wanted to ‘fix’ me, and that’s okay, but I wasn’t getting fixed. I wasn’t getting better, only worse, and when you cant help someone you care about you get frustrated. Friends started to question whether I really was sick. Well, you don’t look sick today! That’s good, they would say, to which I could only laugh awkwardly and change the subject. I know I didn’t look sick. I’m a damn good makeup artist and my invisible illness is damn good at being invisible, but of course I couldn’t say that.

I thought after finding a doctor who believed me and promised to help would change all of this. I can tell you in the weeks that have followed my diagnoses little has changed. I’m still being judged as an overweight lazy millennial; just this morning I got back from a disability job provider appointment crying my eyes out and making a right fool of myself because my provider had concluded in her mind that I was exactly that. I’m not ashamed to say that it still upsets me. Even after finally having proof of my disability I will probably have to deal with this for the rest of my life but that doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make it any less shit.

My medical story isn’t over. My episode hasn’t ended now I have a diagnoses. It’s still going. Ive had to accept that things don’t change overnight and it’s likely that many of the judgements that I face daily will never change until these illnesses gain more awareness. But now I can say without a doubt that I suffer from Fibromyalgia and CFS, and not just ???

In the end that it makes it a little bit easier.