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justasparkwritings · 4 years

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Exile: The Side Door

Previous: Insult to Injury

Pairing: Timotheé Chalamet x Reader

Genre: Angst, Slice of Life

Rating: PG15

Word Count: 2.8K

Warnings: Swearing

Summary: I don’t know if he’ll ever understand why I left and I can’t expect him to.

Exile Master List

I suppose I should start at the beginning, no? In order to understand the end, we must understand where we came from. Hindsight after all, is 20/20.

I was leery of dating an actor, let alone a famed Oscar nominated one. I had never been surrounded by celebrities or famous people. We met at some backyard BBQ, on a night where the sunset looked like a thousand pastels had been melted at just the right temperature, their colors unifying under the most expensive beauty blender. He was dressed as I expected, jeans and t-shirt, baseball cap, curls running wild. Timothée was always charming, even across a swimming pool, even in the hue of a Manhattan summer. We fell into an easy rhythm, a mutual wanting and giddiness over falling for one another.

It happened fast, falling in love. I guess that’s how the saying goes, it’s a lot of little moments that add up to big ones. With Timothée, it was all big. It was all rose-colored glasses and trips to the Hamptons or upstate or to Crema, tickets and going backstage when nights afforded it, long vacations on the South of France, dinners with his parents, whispers and promises in the morning light… Those first two years were bliss. It was like the first day of Christmas vacation, every single day.

On one October evening, when his understudy went on, we drove to Connecticut and stayed at a little B-N-B, with floral wallpaper from floor to ceiling and pastel carpet to match each room. There was the weekend in May he picked me up from work at lunchtime, and we jetted off to Madrid for a long weekend. Of course, there were smaller things, quieter moments… When he was home, he’d always get up and make my coffee, leaving a note for me to find when I got to work. Or when we’d make a special trip Monday mornings to his favorite bakery, by La Guardia High School, and drop off pastries for the teachers and staff. Or how he’d twirl a misplaced piece of my hair between his fingers, or fiddle with the earrings in my left ear, or how he’d whisper my name and quote lines from his favorite books… It was how he looked at me, like I could catch the stars, how he wiped my tears, how he held me when I was unworthy, the forgiveness he offered, without hesitation, regardless of the crime.

We moved in at the end of my lease to a new apartment, one he hadn’t brought past lovers to, and it remained my home when he decided to start taking film roles again. Or rather, it remained the place I slept and ate, never feeling like mine when he wasn’t there. He was gone for months at a time, and I suppose, in my loneliness, that’s when it started to fall apart.

It’s often misconstrued that open relationships are messy, hurting everyone’s feelings while having few benefits, that threesomes are the norm and rules don’t always go both ways. I didn’t want an open relationship to be separate from Timothée, I didn’t want it to bide my time until he came home. I wanted an open relationship for the parts of ours that were no longer available, no longer thriving. It afforded me the comforts of another person, when he was working all hours of the day, impossible to get ahold of. It gave me something to hold onto, something to ground me when I felt like a light breeze would send me into outer space.

Dating an actor, a successful actor, though holding many benefits, is lonelier than I could’ve imagined. There is no flying your partner to set or weekend trips home. We would spend months apart, separated by land and sea, time zones after time zones. The first few films took him to all corners of the globe. Australia first, then South Africa, and finally Thailand. I remember that first trip, painfully. He tried to call as often as he could, Facetime whenever his schedule allowed, left voice messages and wrote long, rambling emails sent at all hours. But it didn’t matter? I guess, though I loved it all, and was appreciative, when I opened the door at 5PM, I was still alone. My love for him didn’t hold me when I felt anxious, it didn’t sit with me at dinner night after night or make love to me when I craved his touch. It didn’t offer a shoulder to cry on when work was overwhelming or when I fell sick. I never wanted to replace him, but I couldn’t maintain our relationship as it was.

By the time I brought it up, it wasn’t much of a relationship anyway. He’d come home for small bursts, no more than two weeks at a time, and in those two weeks we fucked 75% of the time. I was still working fulltime, and I couldn’t leave work just because he was home. The novelty of our situation was gone the second he left for South Africa, and I remember sitting on the couch, sobbing to my mom, unsure what to do. It was my friends who suggested that we open the relationship, and through therapy and lots of books and articles, I asked Timothée if maybe he’d be open to it.

The look he gave me when I suggested it, is almost worse than the look he gave me when I left him for good. He wanted to know if he wasn’t good enough for me, if his love wasn’t enough, if I was unhappy. I was honest with him, that in eight months he’d been home for five weeks, that I was heartbroken, and unwilling to stand in the middle of his career. I thought that was it, that I was asking for too much. Then he agreed.

In the two-three years after, I had my fun. I created a group of regulars who were into no strings attached, and it made keeping track of potential STI’s so much easier. I fell into a pattern, and if I was honest with myself, I was happier than I had been, but not happier than I was in our first two years. Sometime after this arrangement started, after he returned for longer than a month, we bought the house in LA. My dream house, the house we discussed raising a family in, the house we customized to our every desire, surround sound, speakers in every room of the house, a stunning waterfall counter, the painstakingly laid refurbished herringbone wood floors, a dream I’d had since adolescence. The shower tiles, the linens, the garden with lemon trees… It was Eden. We moved and together we built that home, we hung our photos on the wall, we invited friends over for dinner parties, we acclimated ourselves with life in LA, and when we needed or wanted, we went back to our place in New York. It always welcomed us. Timothée was home for a while before he left again, this time for five months, and I found myself in a familiar predicament.

In those years, my love for Timothée never wavered. My hope in our relationship was always burning, and all I wanted was that life with him. The life we dreamed, the life we were saving for. But it didn’t come without its pitfalls, and we fought occasionally. At first, we struggled to find our footing when he was home, and as we navigated the rules of an open relationship, we had to handle our jealousy and pride. It wasn’t easy, even in the end, when he returned after filming with Florence, we found ourselves unsure how to be together again.

I always had an inkling that I exercised this particular aspect of our relationship more than he did, it was clear from how he responded to my check-ins, how he responded when I tried something new in bed, when he found a weird article of clothing in the wash, unsure when I had procured a football sweatshirt. Though, that was a one-time occurrence, and I was more careful after…. It had been reckless, and I hurt him when I hadn’t meant to.

If I’m honest with myself, pride set aside, I knew the whole time I was hurting him, breaking his heart, little by little. Despite there being some level of hurt occurring throughout those years, we couldn’t negate the positives opening our relationship had. Our relationship returned to its playful, flirtatious tendencies, which I never thought it would. We found joy in talking to each other for hours when permitted, happiness in sending cute texts or photos of what we were doing, and the joy of being in love was no longer a distant memory. No longer burdened by the lack of physical intimacy, we could focus on all the parts of our relationship that we had longed for. He was my Timothée, and I was his.

When the Florence-pregnancy happened, in some ways, it felt inevitable, like we’d both been lying to ourselves for too long. I was so angry when he called. Black out, rage filled angry. We had one rule, well, more, but one that mattered. Don’t sleep with coworkers. Yet, he fell into bed with her so easily, so swiftly that I hadn’t had time to register his absence before he was calling to tell me he’d slept with her. Her, of all fucking people.

I admit, I was jealous. He left me to go be with her. I know it was work, I know they’ve known each other for years… All that made it worse. He broke my trust in the most… predictable manner, yet I was still devastated. I knew we could work through it. I knew we could find our way out of the hurt we were causing each other. We’d stop the open relationship; we’d just be the two of us; that was a concession I was willing to make for him and myself. Perhaps it had gone on too long, perhaps, the ending of our time together was inescapable. Maybe, in the worst case, we’d break up, sell the house, or buy each other out, we’d tearfully divide pictures, split the china, he’d get the New York place, I’d stay in LA. It would hurt, the life we built no longer being an option. Our future slipping away. That was the worst case, and I never thought we’d get there.

When Florence called, and Timothée shattered any hope of us ever having that life we dreamed, I went into autopilot. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t feel sorry for him or compassionate, all I could do was leave. I had to leave.

I left that day to protect myself.

I left that day to save face.

I left that day to ensure that I wouldn’t fall apart in his presence, that my vulnerability wouldn’t be seen, that he wouldn’t look at me like I was still his entire universe when I knew damn well, I wasn’t, and would never be again. What I had thought was my future, what I had planned on, what I had dreamed on, was now, gone. In the blink of an eye, everything was over, and I could do nothing about it. Nothing he said would change the fact that he was experiencing all these firsts without me. Nothing would change that his first foray into fatherhood would be at the hands of another. That the child sleeping in our nursery wouldn’t be mine, it wouldn’t have grown in my womb, nursed from my breast, had my eyes. No amount of love from him would ease those wounds. Yes, pride got the best of me, and yes, there are other partners who can move past it, but I am not one of them.

In the wake, in those months leading up to the birth of his child, Timothée was, persistent. The calls, the emails, the texts. Blocking him did no good, and I was resolute that I would make one final appearance in his life past packing my stuff and moving out. I was clear in my intentions, and I took what was mine. I moved into a one-bedroom apartment in WeHo, which, I hated. I hated every part of it. It was a transitional home, a place for me to rest my head before I made my next move.

The last time I saw Timothée was not either of our finest moments. Screaming at each other in the driveway of our home, hearts shattering for the final time, laying bare every resentment and deepest insecurities, breaking down so completely I had to pull over a block away to cry. I don’t know if he’ll ever understand why I left and I can’t expect him to.

I moved again, months later, back to New York. I spent the time in between renting the dinky one-bedroom and finally leaving, debating where to go. I couldn’t stay in LA, I didn’t want to move home, and though New York held the memories of our early years, it also held the hope and promise of my years in college and post, working in the city, finding my favorite laundromat and bagel shop. It held my dearest friends and was close to my family. New York affords anyone who lives there a chance at a blank slate, a fresh start, a new beginning, and I needed it. I needed to feel angry when the subway was stopping due to mechanical issues, the frustration of carrying an insane amount of groceries one too many blocks to my apartment, the thrill of running across town for a meeting, only to get stuck in some traffic jam while the cabby yelled in a language I didn’t know. It felt like returning home when you hadn’t realized you’d been homesick in the first place.

It was easy to avoid Timothée. I had lived nearly a decade in New York without ever seeing him once, a comfort I greatly leaned into. It was easy to fall back into my pattern, my old gym and studio still remaining, my favorite spots for happy hour greeting me like I hadn’t left, and friends so excited to see me, you couldn’t tell if I was returning from vacation or exploring the Antarctic.

Sometime in that first year, the ache of it all dissipated. I was back with my favorite therapist, and we worked weekly on navigating the hurt, the abandonment and the jealousy that had plagued my time with Timothée. I cried every session, until one day, I didn’t. They say it takes a month for every year you were together to get over someone, but for me, it took twelve months before I felt any desire to be with another person, physically or emotionally.

It all happened by chance, a friend having a happy hour birthday party, a guy from college that I had made out with once at some party freshman year and bumped into frequently enough to become friendly. He went to grad school in the UK and had just moved back, this party being his first outing stateside in nearly a decade. He had kind blue eyes and an electric smile, his laugh like a sound from the heavens, his touch like electricity. I remembered why I had liked him in college, but now, as two adults who experienced their own sets of heartache and disappointments, I could see that he had become someone I could love.

Falling in love with William wasn’t fast, it wasn’t all big moments that felt small, or how he squeezes my hand three times whenever he’s holding it. It wasn’t the high of being caught, of looking in tabloids for my picture or jetting off to European destinations. There aren’t vacations in the South of France, or trips to idyllic Spanish towns. Our dinners with his family are accompanied by weekends at the lake house, with cousins and nieces and nephews in spades. It’s Broadway plays and early morning walks, it’s him picking me up from work just to walk me home, it’s cooking meals together and him staying in one place long enough to watch a new season of The Bachelor/ette in real time. William is present. He’s steadfast, he’s dependable.

I’m not sure what the difference is between these relationships. Is it only that he’s here, 48 weeks out of the year? Is it that we knew each other before Timothée was a thought in my mind? Is it that my friends like him or that my parents view him as a part of the family? Maybe it’s all of them, all of the little occurrences that make up our relationship. Hindsight is 20/20, and with William, there are no rose-colored glasses. There is no open relationship because, I don’t need one to feel like my relationship is above water. I’m no longer drowning. With William, the future feels real, it feels attainable, it feels within my grasp.

Who am I not to take it?

Next: Knuckles Bloody

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dweemeister · 4 years

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Soul (2020)

2020 dashed the best-laid plans, disrupted dreams, and brought disease. For almost one full year now, COVID-19 has upended society the world over, and taken the lives of almost two million as of the publication of this review. The pandemic, as contemporary readers may notice, has taken its toll on the film industry too. If you are reading this in the distant future, Soul is the first film that I have written in which its release date was delayed and its distribution altered because of the pandemic (from June 19 to Christmas). Pete Docter’s first directorial effort since becoming the chief creative officer of Pixar is part of a phenomenon which may or may not last past the pandemic. Soul, like a few other high-profile releases in 2020 and early 2021, debuted simultaneously in reduced-capacity theaters and streaming, via Disney+. The film itself is middling Pixar. But given the studio’s high quality – albeit sullied over the last decade with underwhelming sequels and glaring missteps from some non-sequels – it is still something worth celebrating.

Joe Gardner (voiced by Jamie Foxx) works part-time as a middle school music teacher in New York City, but quietly harbors dreams of pursuing his dream of becoming a jazz pianist. Taking an opportunity to audition for professional jazz saxophonist Dorothea Williams (Angela Bassett), Joe receives an offer to play with Dorothea’s band. Ecstatic, speaking giddily on his cell phone on the musical adventure that awaits that evening, Joe has forgotten to look wherever the hell he is walking. As a result, he falls down a manhole, Looney Tunes-style. He awakens as a fluorescent blue-green blob, his soul on a stairway to heaven. No, not yet, Joe says. He runs backwards, but ends up in the “Great Before” – a place where unborn souls are endowed the traits (in the form of a badge) that will direct, but not predestine, the course of their lives. In a case of mistaken identity, the Great Before’s leaders assign Joe to 22 (Tina Fey) as her counselor. 22 has been stuck in the Great Before for eons, fostering a cynical view of human existence that has confounded her previous counselors (“You can’t crush a soul here. That’s what life on Earth is for.”). If you are asking whether or not Joe will be the one that shows 22 life’s beauty, you clearly have never seen a Pixar movie before.

The English-language film’s voice cast also includes Graham Norton as a sign twirler extraordinaire, Rachel House, Alice Braga, Richard Ayoade, Donnell Rawlings, Questlove, and Daveed Diggs. Veteran actress Phylicia Rashad plays Joe’s mother (who disapproves of his dreams of playing jazz professionally). This is the first Pixar movie without a character voiced by John Ratzenberger.

22 and Joe will prematurely escape to Earth, but the plot is unnecessarily complicated by a body swap and a tired trope of modern animated features: a non-white character accidentally spending more than half the film in the body of an animal. The Emperor’s New Groove (2000) and The Princess and the Frog (2009) are among the highest-profile examples of the trope. Like Cuzco and Tiana in those past films, Joe is not white – and, automatically, is someone the likes of whom has very little history of starring in a mainstream American animated feature. To see him lose his bodily agency for almost the entirety of the film is frustrating. The screenwriting team (Docter, Mike Jones, and Kemp Powers) declines to explore Joe’s racial identity, instead favoring the hero’s journey (Pixar has never deviated from this template, but that has not prevented them from making great films) and the predictable pratfalls often present in Pixar’s movies. Soul’s body-swapping comedy not only brushes away any such exploration of racial identity, but relegates the film’s jazz (an African-American creation) as ornamentation, overcomplicates the narrative structure, and interferes with its messaging. None of these issues existed in Coco (2017) – an unabashedly Mexican glimpse into the culture surrounding Día de Los Muertos and Mexican regional folk music all while retaining its primary themes.

Soul shares the introspective spirit of Docter’s previous film, Inside Out (2015). The lack of external adversity in both films allow us to better understand the passions of the main character. Joe’s conflict stirs from within – his dreams and expectations against practicality and unexpected realities. More prevalent than in Inside Out, Soul’s moments without dialogue poignantly depict those contradictions and unmitigated thrills. In Joe’s case, his near-total dedication to jazz is celebrated – never excessively mocked by 22 or any other character. But his passion, the film says (and as revealed through 22’s temporary occupation of his body), cannot alone quench the fullest expression of his humanity. The film is at its best in two types of contradictory moments. The first type occurs while Joe is playing his piano; the other appears when the film stops for several seconds to admire a minor detail, overlooked by everyone passing by except 22, along New York’s streets. In the latter, the film is allowed to take a breath, allowing just the ambient noise to play in the sound mix – the rustling foliage in the wind, the light traffic of one-way streets, the whoosh of passing subway cars. It is the closest Pixar has ever come to refuting Alfred Hitchcock’s flawed, oft-quoted statement that the movies are, “like life with the dull bits cut out.” For it is in some of life’s mundanities that 22 sees life as worth living. It is life’s mundanities that lie at the heart of Soul’s most powerful moments.

With the assistance of a legion of cultural consultants, Soul is, in spurts, a casual, intentionally unremarkable foray into New York’s black community and a faithful depiction of jazz performance. Animation history has long caricatured black roles in various ways, so the Pixar animators took pains to faithfully render hairstyles and varying skin tones to highlight the diversity of appearance in African-American communities. Many reviews of Soul will justly extol the background art, but plaudits must also go to the character design of the numerous African-American supporting figures across the entire film. It endows the film with an authentic vitality that I cannot envision happening in a film released by a studio concentrating on CGI animated features. A short scene to a barbershop underlines this laudable attention.

As a pianist and violinist, one of my personal pet peeves while watching movies is when an actor is fake-playing an instrument – it can be comically, pathetically obvious. I am certainly not the only one, as I’m sure some orch dorks, band geeks, and other instrumentalists might attest. Animated movies are not spared our eyes and ears. Soul, however, represents a glorious break from expectation. In a film already boasting photorealistic backgrounds and uncanny lighting effects, Joe’s piano playing is some of the most “realistic” I have seen in an animated film. His posture and muscular movement made me forget, momentarily, I was watching an animated movie. Perfectly rendered, too, are his fingering patterns (for the sake of consistent character design, Joe has elongated fingers). This musical accuracy extends to all other musicians in the film, too. It is glorious to behold as a musician. Soul could easily have cracked jokes at the expense of Joe’s passion. That the film affirms his love for jazz, all while tempering his desires (through 22, his mother, and other factors), is a high-wire balancing act that triumphs.

Soul’s score is split in two: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross of Nine Inch Nails fame (2010’s The Social Network, 2020’s Mank) compose for the scenes in the Great Before and jazz pianist Jon Batiste composes for the scenes in New York. Anyone who has read in my past reviews about my thoughts about film music are probably guessing that I dislike Reznor and Ross’ compositions for film. They would be correct. So far in their nascent film scoring careers, Reznor and Ross’ ominous synths for David Fincher’s movies sound too much like background droning, minimalist aural wallpaper. Their scores – all texture and little else – have no life outside the contexts of the movies they appear in. In Soul, Reznor and Ross develop a soothing synth sound that is some of their most melodic film music yet. It sounds like Jerry Martin’s music for the less interesting moments from the early Sims and SimCity soundtracks. Still, the score – even in its best moments, such as the lustrous cue “Epiphany” – suits the portions of the film it appears in. Perhaps Reznor and Ross are finally making progress towards understanding how melodic structure can dramatically reshape a film’s drama.

Down on Earth, Soul plays the music of Jon Batiste, perhaps best known as the bandleader of his band Stay Human on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Not all of Stay Human’s members were selected to perform for the score, as Batiste chose a handful of musicians from outside his band. The jazz score is mostly original, but includes variations on four pre-existing songs: “Space Maker” (Walter Norris), “Cristo Redentor” (Duke Pearson), “I Let a Song Go Out of My Heart” (Duke Ellington), and “Blue Rondo à la Turk" (Dave Brubeck). Batiste’s jazz influences are too many to name for a review not solely dedicated to the score, but suffice it to say that Batiste intended his part of the film score to serve as a soft introduction to viewers who might not be accustomed to jazz. In this half, Batiste captures the bustle of New York City with his signature floating piano solos. Backed by tremendous saxophone lines, percussion, and double bass, this is a decidedly acoustic affair in marked contrast to the music of Reznor and Ross. The musical contrast is profound, easing the viewer into Soul’s occasionally chaotic narrative structure. By film’s end, though, despite Batiste’s end titles cover of The Impressions’ “It’s All Right” (a wise selection in no small part due to its lyrics), I wanted more from the jazz half of the score and wished it was held greater prominence in the film. Am I unashamedly asking for someone to hire Jon Batiste and give him the freedom to compose an unconstrained jazz score? Of course!

In a year where straight-to-streaming movie releases have dominated the American film industry, Soul ranked third in viewership behind Thomas Kail’s live stage filming of Hamilton (2020) and Patty Jenkins’ Wonder Woman 1984 (2020). Has Pixar righted its inconsistent form apparent over the 2010s decade? Can they ever recover the alchemy that reeled off consecutive pop culture touchstones and wondrous films for fifteen years (1995’s Toy Story to 2010’s Toy Story 3, excluding Cars)? Soul might not be the fair winds needed to steer Pixar from its worst habits, and it is unfair to place such a burden on this film. That fifteen-year run might also never be matched again. For what Soul represents to Pixar’s rather monochromatic leadership and narrative groupthink, it is a fascinating step outside the familiar.

My rating: 8/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found in the “Ratings system” page on my blog (as of July 1, 2020, tumblr is not permitting certain posts with links to appear on tag pages, so I cannot provide the URL).

For more of my reviews tagged “My Movie Odyssey”, check out the tag of the same name on my blog.

#Soul #Pete Docter #Pixar #Jamie Foxx #Tina Fey #Graham Norton #Phylicia Rashad #Donnell Rawlings #Questlove #Angela Bassett #Trent Reznor #Atticus Ross #Jon Batiste #Mike Jones #Kemp Powers #My Movie Odyssey

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j9only · 5 years

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Today with J9

Joong came online at 10:30 to get ready for his online classes. He uploaded a picture of it and fans were quick to notice NIne’s bedroom wallpaper and you can even see Nine in the corner. He later uploaded a IGstory of Nine and him getting ready for online classes. translation: Joong: We’re studying in the same classroom (aka Nine’s bedroom) NIne: Hoiiii I’m soooo excited Joong : Is the teacher here yet? Nine: No he/she is kinda 9 minutes late jaa 55555 - by kingu Su Su Na, J9! Don’t distract each other too much now that you are sitting next to each other taking classes for couple of weeks. Either in between classes or after Joong was done, he uploaded a IGstory in Turkish about the coronavirus. Turkey had their first case earlier in the week.

In the afternoon Joong and Nine had singing lessons with their coaches. All the boys but Earth were present. and even though the first IGstory that showed earth’s absent was quickly delete enough people saw it. Which once again raises the question if Earth is part of the secret project or not? It’s looking more and likely that he might not be and will only be part of 2moons3. Joong and Nine didn’t join Ben, Dome and Pavel for dinner later on.

Nine uploaded a picture later with the caption People in love often look a little younger.. which is a lyrics for this song. Though Nine could have been hinting at himself regardless. Is Nine in love?

Joong retweeted a fan her J9 tattoo. Talk about dedication. Let’s hope J9 last forever, cause you know tattoos are suppose to be ^^. And then Nine uploaded a tiktok video. The caption on tiktok was a engineer boy and a doctor boy. Someone is thinking MingKit these days. With Joong going down memory lane yesterday and now Nine, are the boys finally discussion real stuff for 2moons3. Nine and Joong both uploaded the video to twitter as well. Joong captioned it as funny and Nine teased the fans saying he wishes he could share the behind the scenes video with us. Don’t just wish it Nine, do it! Fans were quick to point out Joong early message of not hugging people clearly didn’t apply to himself and hugging Nine and that they definitely are not getting bored of each other. And the antlers Nine was wearing were a belated christmas present from Joong that he brought home with him from Turkey back in December.

#twj9

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killianmesmalls · 6 years

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About Me

I was tagged by the lovely @z-aliada on both here and as KMSPrime hehe. Thanks! It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, so might as well!

Rule: tag 10 followers you want to get to know better

Name: Carrie

Gender: Female

Star Sign: Pisces

Height: 5'9"

Sexuality: Bi

What images do you have set as your desktop/cellphone wallpaper? On this computer, I have the four Robins looking up at Batman, on my work laptop I have a view of Willemstad in Curacao (went there for my honeymoon), on my work desktop I have a space picture, and on my phone I have a view of the ocean, though before I had to get a new phone it was a picture of my dog and my lockscreen was my patronus—a fox.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Hell yes. Damn. He was something...

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Hmmmm.... these tend to get jinxed, I feel, but hopefully in 10 years I’ll have a kid or two, finally have edited the books I’m staring at, and be largely content/settled.

If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? Somewhere warm, tropical, surrounded by sea turtles, and seeing my pupper lose her mind on the beach.

What was your coolest Halloween costume? I mean, I was a witch three years in a row, but I think that was more in an effort to cost save than anything else. Only other one that comes to mind was a dead prom queen. Damn that was a seriously 80s dress. Oh! Wait! I was Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas one year and a generic ragdoll another, so maybe that general theme?

What’s your favorite 90s show? One? Ha. I loved The Tomorrow People (no one else seems to remember the 1992-1995 version...), Are You Afraid of the Dark, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I’m sure I’m missing some.

Who was your last kiss? My husband.

Have you ever been stood up? Nope.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? Haha, why Las Vegas? Nah, almost but decided to hang out elsewhere instead.

Favourite pair of shoes: I tend to live in three types of shoes: knee-high brown boots, sneakers, or black flats.

Favourite fruit: Pineapple

Favourite book: Ready Player One, The Thief of Always, the HP series... hard to pick one.

Stupidest thing you’ve ever done: I left my work laptop in a cab once. Totally didn’t even register it because I wasn’t used to having it. Thankfully the cab driver was super honest and I have a rare last name so he found me on Facebook and sent me a private message.

Cheating and not tagging anyone. I want to get to know you all better!

#weirdness from kms

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killa2sick · 7 years

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tagged by @beepxbeepxtozier, @staysafelosers, & @finnwolffad

rules: tag ten of your followers that you want to get to know better

name: michelle

gender: female

star sign: cancer

height: 5'5

what images do you have set as your desktop/cell wallpapers? desktop is a pic of Halsey & lana del rey. phone lockscreen is a pic of eddie & richie, background is a pic of a drag queen named adore delano aka the loml

have you ever had a crush on a teacher? N O P E

what was your last text message? it was to one of my friends & it said "SIGN mE TF UP" oop

what do you see yourself doing in 10 years? idk tbh hopefully kinda successful, adopted a cat & a dog, & with the loml whoever that may be

if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? idk tbhh ah

what was your coolest halloween costume? either this year bc i was sally from the nightmare before Christmas or 2 years ago i was a killjoy w my friends bc i was obsessed w my chemical romance + i hand painted it so woo

what was your favourite 90's show? honestly aLL of the Nickelodeon 90's shows espcially the cartoons like ren & stimpy or rocko's modern life

what was your last kiss? never been kissed oops

have you ever been stood up? no but I've been ghosted so

favourite ice cream flavour? strawberry, mint chocolate chip, & cookies n cream

have you been to Las Vegas? no but I reALLY WANNA

favourite pair of shoes? my converse or these black kinda high heel boots i have

favourite flavour? sweet and satly, anything w cheese, & if its like candy then strawberry or orange

what is your favourite book? Lies we tell ourselves and The fault in our stars I've read it like 5 times but i still cry every time

what's the stupidest thing you've ever done? honestly way too many im just really stupid tbh

which loser? I mean I literally am eddie kaspbrak but I love them all sM

lowkey tagged randomly but ily all sm + don't feel forced to do this - @tozierzzz @richie-finn-tozier @atrashmouthsed @itstoziertrash @ohmygazebos @millbyler @brooklyn-boyband @peachy-ashess @asteroidbill @kaspdrak

#personal post #me

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hellofromtheupsidedown · 7 years

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tagged by @stranger-of-things

Rules: tag ten of your followers you want to get to know better

Name:Brandi

Gender: Female

Star Sign: Gemini

Height: 5’3

What images do you have set as your desktop/cell wallpapers?: my front screen is black marble and my home screen is white marble.. so basic lol

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?: Mr.Hill in 5th grade! Literally everyone in my class thought he was so hot hahah!

what was your last text message?: i told my friend that her boyfriend wouldn’t be mad if she went to class instead of saw him and if he does then he is dumb lol!

What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?: I honestly don’t know. I’ve always loved writing music/acting/singing i just dont have a lot of confidence right now. I want to be in the entertainment business somehow.

If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?: the beach! I haven’t been in years.

What was your coolest Halloween costume?: Last year i was joyce byers! I had a wig and everything! And my cousin was the wall with the Christmas lights.

What was your favorite 90′s show?: The Nanny.

Who was your last kiss?: my cousins dog??? Lol im so lame.. my love life doesn’t exist.

Have you ever been stood up?: nope

Favorite ice cream flavor?:mint chip or cake batter from coldstone

Have you been to Las Vegas?: yes! I used to go a lot when i was younger.

Your favorite pair of shoes?: my all white vans

What is your favorite flavor?: Watermelon

What’s your favorite book?: The Giver

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?: It was my first week working at this store called Kirkland’s and i didnt really know what i was doing. Someone called the store and asked if i had a certain item and i just lied and said yeah BECAUSE I HAVE ANXIETY AND I JUST WANTED TO GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! and then they asked me if i could hold the item for them and i was like “YEAH OF COURSE!!” But i really didn’t and i was like wow im dumb...

What Loser?: Eddie Kaspbrak

@mouthbreathingwastoid @finnxmillie @bitchinwheelers @strangerest-things @alltoowheeler @elevenmlke @itselhopper @protectbyers @outsidetherealm @sombersmile

#hellofromtheupsidedown #stranger things #stranger things 2 #the losers club #mike wheeler #will byers #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #max #eleven #el #011 #jane hopper #jane ives

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dracularas · 7 years

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tagged by @heterophobicbyeler (ily binch)

rules: tag ten of your followers that you want to get to know better

name: kara

gender: female

star sign: capricorn! even though im nothing like a capricorn lol

height: 5′4

what images do you have set as your desktop/cell wallpapers? on my phone it’s a picture of joyce byers with the christmas lights trying to contact will, on my laptop its a really cool picture of harley quinn from the animated series

have you ever had a crush on a teacher? no, thank god

what was your last text message? “ok see you later”

what do you see yourself doing in 10 years? i honestly have absolutely no idea

if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? my old house/hometown is my favorite place in the world

what was your coolest halloween costume? hmm probably harley quinn! i got her entire jester bodysuit and cowl/hat thingy it was awesome

what was your favourite 90s show? pretty much any cartoon

what was your last kiss? never had one at all im a lonely gay

have you ever been stood up? nope!

favourite ice cream flavour? chocolate and peanut butter (specifically from baskin robins)

have you been to las vegas? nope

your favourite pair of shoes? i have some black converse i wear with everything and i love them

what’s your favourite flavour? in general? uh wow idk

what is your favourite book? hm… i really love the harry potter series!

what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? once when i was 8 i loved fire and i was looking at this candle and thought it would be a good idea to stick a napkin into the fire…when it caught and the big ole paper napkin was burning i was like “shit! what do i do?” so my dumbass threw the flaming napkin in the trash. after about 5 seconds i was like “!!!!! bad idea i need to put it out completely” so i proceeded to pick it up out of the trash and put it in the sink and then run water on it. i had bad burns on my fingers for weeks it sucked. another story tied for first place for dumbest thing ive done was stick a rock up my nose when i was 3, which ill also tell if anyone asks

anyone who wants to do this can!

#OH MY GOD #I FORGOT TO POST THIS OOF #ajsdhkaksdj #about me

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crimsonfox19 · 7 years

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Tag Time!!!

I was tagged by @karminbathory

Thank you Karmin Bathory! Sorry it took so long to reply to it!

Rules : tag ten of your followers you want to get to know better. I tag: @magnusbaene @hufflebee @phantomandfoxflyer @fourmillionkruge @twilightarc-gm @blushyalec @schemingface @awkwardmc @whisperbinder @maghnvsbane

Name:

So my pen name and the name I go by online is Kamiella Maze, but you can call me Kamie!

Gender: Female

Star Sign:  Taurus

Height:  5′5″ or about 165cm

Sexuality: Bisexual/Bicurious at the very least

What images do you have set as your desktop/cell wallpaper: So I just got a new phone and laptop for Christmas (my old ones were falling apart), so I don’t really have anything interesting on them. It used to be a Hamilton lockscreen paper and a starry night with a tree home paper on my last phone, and a fennec fox on my last laptop’s wallpaper!

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher:  No, not that I can remember at the least.

What was your last text message: “Sweet! Tell me if you think it works okay! I thought they could go to a pub or something afterwards if it all sounds good to you. Could be a good icebreaker for both of them?” to my friend Korinne! We’re working out a book idea... so writing stuff. Lol

What do you see yourself doing in 10 years:  In ten years? Ideally I’d like to be a professor or working in the linguistics field in some way, shape, or form? We’ll just have to see.

If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be:  So I’m currently living a little outside of Tokyo, Japan (I’d be nervous posting that, but it’s huge here so... I’m not afraid), and I would really love to be in the U.K. It’s where I really want to go next, but I’m going to be going back to the States in July and hopefully working until I can find a way to move or finish university in the U.K. (if I can pull it off).

What was your coolest halloween costume: I don’t think I’ve ever had a cool halloween costume per se? I went as the Mad Hatter once and that was really fun! Otherwise I have a pretty fun Ciel Phantomhive cosplay from Black Butler.

What was your favorite 90s show:  Friends, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Full House, Sister Sister, Pokémon, and Cardcaptor Sakura.

Who was your last kiss:  My ex-boyfriend over a year and a quarter ago? I suppose.

Have you ever been stood up:  By a date? No... By a friend? A couple times.

favorite ice cream flavor:  Cookie dough, or the chocolate brownie ones...

Have you ever been to Las Vegas:  Yep! I used the airport a few times, because it’s not too far from where my family lives.

Favorite pair of shoes:  I have a pair of sketchers that I use now that are comfortable walking around Japan. My favorite are probably a pair of high heeled ankle like boots that my friend got me for my birthday! I love them!

Whats your favorite fruit:  Um.... I love mangos and avocados the most to be honest! Though I really do love most fruit... oooh... and kiwi...

Whats the stupidest thing you have ever done:  Right now the stupidest thing I can think of that I’ve ever done is take an English word and give it a Japanese conjugation... that, that was pretty stupid... Oh! And I forgot the letter K for like a minute and a half and could only remember the Japanese kana: か so that was pretty stupid in my opinion too... albeit, funny.

Whats your favorite book:  My favorite book is a hard one. My favorite duology right now is Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by @lbardugo and one of my favorite trilogies is the Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks!

What loser is your favorite:  I generally get annoyed by the losers in books and movies and shows? But I guess if I have to pick it would be Joey from Friends and Simon from The Shadowhunters... can you call Simon a loser though? I mean... maybe? I guess.

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itsreddiebitch · 7 years

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Family First

Summary: Emily Tozier knew one thing. Her father loved her as if she was his own. Yet, secrets and lies kept for years will push her into finding out the truth about her real father and his connection with Richie.

Chapter 1 Welcome To The Tozier Residents

Chapter 2 Taking A Chance

“Emily, wake up.” The voice got no response as the teen continued to enjoy her slumber.

“Eds come on. “Hands began to inch closer to Emily’s arms nearing her armpits. Emily woke from the tickling sensation in her arms. She almost jumped out of her bed, arms flying everywhere.

“Whoa, what, who?” Richie grabbed her hand to calm her down, letting her know she was safe. She let out a deep breath before looking at her father. “What was that for? I could have died from oxygen loss you know what tickling does to me.” Richie laughed before patting his daughters head.

“You will be fine young one. You will not die by tickling, not on my watch.” Emily smiled knowing that her father was in a better mood. She looked at the clock to see that it was three in the morning.

“Is everything okay?” Emily knew he had work in an hour and that it was rare for him to wake her up this early unless it was Christmas.

“Yeah, I just want to say sorry for last night. I should not have snapped at you like that.”

“Our fight was more interesting than any shoe brawl daddy-o.” Richie widened his eyes at her choice of words.

“I thought I was the old geezer here.” They both laughed before the room grew silent. She was waiting for what he had to say. Emily knew he wouldn’t wake her up at three in the morning just for an apology. “So, I thought about what you said. I should not have kept my tattoo away from you.” Richie pushed up his sleeve to display the tattoo he kept hidden for years. Emily inched closer to get a better view.

“Is there a reason it looks like a child wrote it?” She tried to be as polite as possible but she was surprised this would be his one and only tattoo. “I’m sorry, I never saw you as a tattooed dad.”

“I didn’t either.” He laughed before continuing. “I got this when I was forty-two. I had, well, have a group of friends. We called our group the losers club. I have a hard time remembering them all. It is hard to explain but there will be times where I remember their names but not their faces or their faces, not their names.” She could see the confusion in his eyes as he laid them on the v covering the s.

“Is that a sign of memory loss?” Richie nudged Emily playfully. She was kidding of course. Her father remembered everything, every birthday, every holiday, every script. It was a peculiar thing for him to forget something so significant.

“One of my friends broke their arm and this girl wrote loser on his cast. Her name was Greta Bowie. She was a bitch if I ever saw one.”

“Dad.”

“Hey, I am just saying the truth here. Your old man wasn’t always this attractive and popular. My friends and I got bullied all the time but I was always the funny one.” Emily rolled her eyes at his last comment.

“I bet they would say otherwise.” Emily was excited that for the first time she was learning something about her father’s past. She wanted to ask more but was afraid she would never have this opportunity again. “Did you know my birth parents?” The room grew quiet and for a second Emily thought she made a mistake. Richie’s smile dropped as he traced the letters on his skin as if trying to recreate the memory of receiving it.

“I do. Your birth mother not so much.”

“But my father?”

“Okay, we are done for the day. Plus, you need to get some sleep before my exquisite vocals wake you from your slumber.” Emily pouted in response before receiving a kiss on the forehead by Richie.

“Good morning dad.”

“Good morning Eds! Have a great day at school.” While she didn’t get the answer she really wanted she was happy that she felt that much closer to her father. She turned the lamp off and settled back under the covers. She had so many new questions rushing through her brain. Who are the losers club? Could one of them be her real father? She may not get those answers right away but she would make sure to get them eventually.

After that night they did not discuss anything more about her real parents or the losers club. Months passed filled with conversation about colleges. Richie was excited about them all, especially buying a dad shirt at the school of her choice. His office remained closed and Emily felt her hope for answers fading away as spring break grew closer. It was a Monday when she found something new. Richie had forgotten his phone at the apartment leaving an opportunity she couldn’t let go untouched.

“Kelly, come up. I know we will be late for school but this is important.” Emily hung up her own phone before reaching for her father’s. Her stomach was in knots at the thought of him learning about Emily snooping through his phone. However, he used his phone less than most and would not have noticed that she put her thumbprint into the phone recognition system. The door opened revealing an out of breath Kelly.

“This better be good Emily. I need to get an A in English or my mom will throw a fit.” Kelly stopped talking once she saw Emily holding the phone. ‘Are you kidding me?”

“No, please look this may be my only chance. We need to look through texts, emails, anything.” Kelly sighed before taking a seat next to Emily. They both looked at the phone. The screen was black and stood out on the dark brown table. Both girls just stared at it before Kelly gave Emily a confused look.

“Are you going to..”

“I am. I just, I’m nervous.” Emily felt her fingers begin to shake. What if she found nothing? She would have to live her life without knowing anything about where she came from. There was also the possibility that she finds too much. Kelly held Emily’s shaking hand in her own. Emily looked up and smiled knowing she was not doing this alone. “Thank you.”

“This better have the map to the lost city of Atlantis.”

“More like memes.” Emily placed her thumb over the button and the phone came to life. His wallpaper was an old photo of them at Disneyland. A surge of guilt filled her chest before shaking it off. This needed to be done. She swiped the screen and began to look through his text messages. None seemed to have any information that she needed. Though, there were some pickup lines that made her cringe. After finding no results she moved on to emails. They spent the next five minutes going through store and work emails. They were close to giving up until an email with the subject birth certificate caught Emily’s eyes.

“I hope this isn’t some woman accusing your dad of being her baby daddy.” Emily snorted at Kelly’s comment secretly praying that wasn’t the case. With just a light touch the email opened. Inside was a thread of ongoing emails with a woman named Myra Kaspbrak. Richie was asking for her to provide him the physical copy of Emily’s birth certificate. Emily felt her pulse quicken at the realization of what this email contained. This could be her mother.

“I think this is it.” Both girls began to read the thread of emails with all their attention focused on the small screen in front of them.

“She doesn’t seem to be making it easy.” Kelly crinkled her nose as she reacted to the words in front of her. The woman would give short replies with no real depth to the conversation. Richie pleaded to the woman who seemed to not care. He had to threaten to talk to the police for her to finally agree to mail the certificate.

“Kelly, grab my laptop from my room.” Kelly nodded before running towards Emily’s bedroom. She grabbed the laptop and returned to the table. Emily opened it up and entered the woman’s name in the search engine. A few links popped up. A website for limousine rentals was the first to show up. Under the website was Myra’s social media profile. Emily clicked right away but was unable to see anything due to not following her. However, under her photo, she displayed Queens New York.

“You think she could be your mom?”

“I think so. I mean who else would have my birth certificate?”

“What are you going to do?” That was the real question. What was Emily going to do with this new information? She could not confront her father. He would probably take it in the worst way and she never meant to hurt him. This woman may know the answers she has always wanted. Emily may even get to meet her father.

“I’m going to go see her.”

“Are you serious? Are you going to tell your Dad?” Emily shook her head pushing Richie’s phone away from her.

“I can’t he will think I’m trying to replace him and I’m not. He would not let me go, Kelly. I have to do this.” Kelly sighed before giving Emily a hug.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No. You have to go touring in Oregon I can’t ruin that.” Kelly smiled before squeezing Emily’s hands.

“Call me every day and update me. I want to solve this mystery just as much as you. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Both girls ended up getting to English late with no excuse that would not make the teacher confused. Emily couldn’t focus in any of her classes. Her mind was on the mysterious woman with the birth certificate. She worried about what the woman would be like. If the emails said anything about her it was that she was rude and unresponsive. Maybe if she saw Emily she would be more understanding and helpful. That night Emily took her laptop in her room and booked a plane ticket for New York. She had found the woman’s address through her father’s email. Emily had also saved up money from her job at the café down the street. Everything was set except for one thing. How was she going to tell her father? She decided a note would be the best way for her to be able to escape his wrath. She worried he wouldn’t understand and would kick her out when she got back. Her father loved her and tended to spoil her often but she also respected his wishes. Except when it came to her past. She began writing the note in bed but stopped when she heard a knock on the door.

“Permission to enter the Lady’s chambers?”

“Proceed good Sir.” Richie walked in and took a seat at the end of her bed. He had a big smile on his face which worried her.

“You excited for Monday?” Emily smiled shyly making sure the note was hidden under her pillow.

“Yeah Dad! Ready for hours of touring.”

“Oh come on it won’t be so bad. I wouldn’t mind if we took long at UCLA though.”

“Dad, you know getting into college is not as easy anymore.”

“I know but you are a smart girl Eds. I am sure you can do it if you want it hard enough.” For the first time since she made this decision, she felt like hesitating. She could pretend she never saw that email and she could go tour colleges with her Dad. They could laugh at inside jokes and explore California. Yet, she knew it had to be done.

“I love you Dad.” Emily felt tears begin to gather in her eyes. Richie’s eyes widened and began to panic.

“What’s wrong is it boys? Who do I need to beat up?” Emily laughed before rubbing one of her tear-filled eyes.

“No boys, I just love you very much Dad. Thank you for everything you do for me.” Emily moved towards Richie with her arms open. She hugged him tightly and inhaled his scent. She hated to be dramatic but depending on how he took it, it might be the last time she could have a hug like this.

“I love you too Emily, no matter what.” He kissed her head before leaving her room. She smiled until he closed the door. She brought out the note and did her best not to spill tears onto the paper. Her flight would be at ten in the morning. She took out a duffel bag and began to pack quietly after finishing the note.

“Eds I’m home. You wouldn’t believe these ass hats at work today. I swear celebrates are really demons in disguise as attractive people.” Richie realized that he didn’t get a reply. He searched the apartment for Emily. She wasn’t in her room or the living room. He began to worry and tried to call her but her phone was off. After a few more minutes of searching and panic, he grabbed his phone to call nine one one. A note on the table stopped him from entering the last one. He picked it up reading the note once, twice, and a third time

“I am really sorry Dad. I am going to New York to talk to my birth mother. I love you so much but I want to know where I came from. I want to be able to understand who I am from the beginning to now. Please don’t hate me.

-Emily”

Richie ran to the office and opened the door. He rummaged through his desk until he found the contact book kept in the locked drawer. He dropped the book on the desk and began to rapidly move the pages until he landed on the page he needed. He dialed the number and waited for the phone to ring. It felt like hours before the person on the line finally picked up.

“Bill it’s me, I need your help.”

@just-an-akward-fangirl @richietoaster @allison0609 @rheddie

#reddie #it 2017 #it stephen king #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #richie x eddie

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