#CrimeSleuths

[highemotionscotian]

Mishandled Justice; Putting the Pieces Back Together After Trauma

/First Entry

seemingly endless doom scrolling watching videos online I occasionally stumble upon the side of the world wide web where there's a kind side. Some genuine folk just doin' their best. I have been scared and angry and alone so long I really think I forgot there are kind souls out there, Dearest Reader, I hope you are one of those good people 💙

For a long time I thought I was okay being alone. Lately there's been a overwhelming void and between you and me, I think may be humanity I've been missin'. I know it's more trendy to put this on TicTok, dang I tried however putting myself on camera is uncomfortable in a way I'm not sure yet how to describe, all the same I need to start letting some things out. I would love to be brave enough to share my life with the world like the fabulous content creators that have kept me company over the years but every time I try, I find an excuse not to; my house isn't clean enough. My forehead is too big, my body is too big. I wouldn't be funny enough, I wouldn't be interesting enough. I wouldn't be enough. Would be too much. Heck I even thought I wasn't rich enough to be on Tic Tok. I don't have a nice hair cut or fancy clothes to do one of those 'fit checks' they're dong and the only time my phone rings is a bill collector, what business did I have of sharing my dirty laundry online being in the state I've been in. It's that thinking that has kept me stuck in life.

I don't know who I am anymore. At the risk of sounding too dramatic, it is as if I have awoken from a living, psychological coma unsure of myself or my surroundings. So while I learn who I am and how to get comfortable in front of a camera my relaunch into the realm of social media will start by blogging.

Do I feel like know what I'm doing? Nope! This will be a learning experience with no determined destination or set conclusion. It will be chaotic. Y'all are invited to come along. One joy of writing and throwing it out there, no one has to read it if they don't want to. Unlike a real life conversation, I won't be distracted by your face worried I have said the wrong thing, or said to much, offended or bored you. I am a modern hermit living with complex post traumatic stress disorder and have been experiencing noticeable symptoms akin to ADHD. I am not sure how many times I have tried to 'start over' in life and failed, I've lost count. I have wanted and tried to change but doing it alone isn't working, so here we are now.

I’ve never told my story publicly. Not really. As I attempted put my life back together over and over and take up space in the world I would feel a bit like a fraud. As if it's this big shameful secret I must hide when in reality it's been gagging me getting in the way of speaking and success. I know I could have a beautiful life if I could just get out of my own way, out of my own head, and out of this dang house.

I have to put all the puzzle pieces together, finally get it all out so then maybe I can find peace and put it all behind me. I had posted some details about the events on my Facebook over the years as it all played out. I would share a summary to family and friends and it made a few news headlines, yet so many factors stopped me from sharing the raw truth of it all.

The weight of shame and not wanting to embarrass or hurt my family, I left out so much of what had happened and what I was feeling. When I would try to share how bad things have gotten, the reactions at just a small portion of the whole truth were bad enough I was ashamed of putting it all on tbe table. I had told having my life public would negatively affect my chances of getting a good job, chastised it would ruin my reputation if I cussed or used words like 'rape' or 'sexual assault' online. I still tried, to find strangers commenting on the news stories about my body, my character they knew nothing of, gossip that the evidence was fraudulent and I just wanted attention. After time went by and I had heard the “get over it’s” and the “time to move on’s” I didn't think my story was worthy of telling, to those more than an arms length away I would be fine and move on. Now still, lack of confidence in myself, low self esteem and fear has kept me from living and telling my story in its entirety.

While the fear of being prosecuted for violating a publication ban on my own name had not stopped me from posting on my own Facebook page, it had effectively silenced me from going public. The risk of a $5,000 fine or up to 2 years in custody for telling my story had removed my voice and a piece of healing I didn't know how very badly I needed.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” - Maya Angelou

I have never really known how to have close friends well. I sometimes wish I had a tribe to be comfortable with. Growing up I was that kid that would secretly cry in the bathrooms when at a friends house. I never understood why I didn't feel like I quite fit in. I’d be apart of a small group, always an introvert, I think I would have liked to have been the emotionally regulated, social sort as an adult where I could have gotten the whole story out already. Perhaps around a bonfire, screaming at the moon, blending tears from sadness and laughing. The last time I was in a social setting that wasn't family was in 2019. It's been lonely. Even years before then I had hid away. In late 2015 I left an abusive relationship and became housebound. Fearful to even venture to my front yard, leaving the bedroom was a daily challenge. Slowly I started to engage in social media, supplementing human connection with strangers on Facebook, where this story will officially begin.

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️

This blog will cover topics of intimate partner violence, sexual assault, legal misconduct, mental illness and contain corse language. I will make an attempt to censor myself throughout this therapeutic process. Reader’s discretion is strongly advised.

📍Disclaimer

Some names used will be changed for the purposes here. However, all facts of the trial discussed within this saga are public record, and RCMP interactions from the trial and complaints process are documented for verification. All other details are from my own lived experiences, hours of audio recordings, news and magazine articles, emails, and journals.

Now I know a little bit about a lot, but only a lot about a little bit. I will speak about my own experiences as I have lived them and the things I have learned along the way, but I am not an expert in any topic included below. I am such a mess that I hesitate to even call myself an expert in my own life, yet vow to hold to the truth at every step.

Statistic I’d like to share

1 in 3 women in Canada will be sexually assaulted with sexual assault being more common than robbery – Statistics Canada

_____________

There was a blur after I was assaulted when I heard the words “wait here, someone will help you” and part of me has been locked in a psychological waiting room ever since. This is my raw and vulnerable exit speech from that place.Why now?Publication ban laws in Canada prevented me from telling the story how I needed to tell it or attributing my own name to the events that transpired. The journalist who first covered the story, Lindsay Jones, called me ‘Nicole’ and as the trial was ongoing, I was prohibited from speaking about the case in full. I was not aware nor informed a publication ban would be essentially automatically applied restricting my choice to share my story. A publication ban did not prevent the media from using the accused’s full name, personal information and details of the trial, yet the punishment I could face by putting my name to my experiences, or sharing court documents was possible fines of $5,000 and/or up to 2 years in custody. At times I pushed the line of this ban as if daring the courts to charge me so maybe someone with authority would hear my case. I understand and accept by sharing my life I am opening myself up to trolls and keyboard warriors who may believe to know more about my own life than me and will say cruel and hurtful things. I have been threatened, insulated and received messages from other men they would rape me too if they had the chance. Our society is not always kind, this is a fear I shall overcome. This is MY journey to healing. To judge how someone processes trauma or victim blaming says more about their character than anyone else’s. The longer I am alone with the shame, guilt the more I hurt myself and my family. I need to hold space for myself now. Telling my story is how I choose to do that. Please remember when you comment with hatred or cruelty other victims will see it and may not feel safe sharing their own stories, and that’s a gawddamn shame. The story must be whatever length it needs to be to pour it out of my body. It will be long and parts long-winded. I write this for myself as a step in my healing process, you are invited to come along.

In the news they called me ‘Nicole’, that is not my name, but this is my story.

*deep breath*

#ToBeContinued

[inxumerable]

| STARTER CALL for fobwatched! Missy/Freddie Lounds! If you want the Freddie that is specific to Hannibal please specify. Specify which muse you’ll be using. Other wise you can feel free to send me a plot! As always I’m open for ims if you have questions or plot ideas! |

[artabominations]

Recently Missing: Jennifer Caridad 

“‘Where is my daughter?’ asked her father, Enrique Caridad.”  Four months ago, Jennifer Caridad, 24, left her family home in Sunnyside to pick up her boyfriend, Aurelio Escobar. According to a friend, they had been arguing that day.  She left around 5p.m. and told her younger brother that she would return later that day. She never returned.  Jennifer had been dating Escobar for eight months and…

[harmonysagelibertylux]

I know so many theories have circulated after the Rey Rivera episode of Netflix's Unsolved Mysteries reboot. I haven't read any recently, but after the ep aired, I watched every YouTube sleuth video I could find and all the message boards.

One thing I never noticed anyone theorize was, if Rey's mysterious note was a code - whether about Stansbury or just writing ideas - the piece he cut off could contain the legend. You would carry that in a safe spot, on you, like in a money clip. The money clip Alison gave him was never found. What if because the legend key to the note was clipped inside?

Has anyone ever thought of that before?

[inxumerable]

|Okay! So multi muse blog is officially up and ready(ish!)

CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Under the cut is the current muse list:

Prodigal Son:

Malcolm Bright (;Brightish;): FC Tom Payne,Canon plot-Malcolm is the son of famous serial killer known as the surgeon and works as a special consultant with NYPD. Due to his history Malcolm suffers from severe PTSD and commonly experiences tremors. He also some sociopathic tendancies. 

(;LikeSurgeon;) In this verse Malcolm takes after his father, inheriting the traits that canon Malcolm feared having. The surgeon was never turned in and Malcolm learned the tools of his trade.  

Martin Whitly (;surgeon;): The father to Malcolm Bright, A serial killer known as the Surgeon, who is currently locked up in the Claremont psychiatric hospital. (or other plotting him can put him after he succeeds in escaping (or prior to being brought in.)

Doctor Who:

Victorian-Clara Oswald (;Victorian;): FC Jenna Coleman, Clara is barmaid in Victorian london, who also double as a governess when she meets the Doctor. In this AU she doesn’t fall and travels with the Doctor. Other AU’s can include her having adventures with Vastra’s gang, modern day AU’s, or anything we want to plot.

Jack Harkness (;harkness;): FC John Barrowman, Jack is still doing jack, aka always looking for the doctor and/or adventures but this jack takes place after losing Ianto.

-Alternative verse (;mirror harkness;) Is set in universe where Jack was a companion to a darker doctor. While he retains much of his personality, he is a bit darker. (Plotting can weed out specifics!)

Mr. Clever (;cyberplanner;): Clever managed to beat the Doctor at chess, and managed to take over completely. Or so he thought. While he did take over control of the body, the Doctor is always there as an extra (annoying) consciousness. He does have the TARDIS, but half the time she doesn’t behave for him.

Amy Pond (;thelegs;): The other half of Amy and Rory! In canon after being sent back she lived her life with life with Rory. Outside of canon? She can be placed anywhere and in anytime. Probably would be pre-angels. 

Fob!watched Missy (;Disguisedsleuth;): FC Lara Jean Chorostecki, After being shot by simm!master, She still managed to regenerate and hid her self, becoming tattle-crime writer Freddie Lounds. Even after opening the watch she still tries to be good, hoping the Doctor finds her. Or she can horribly fail and revert to her old ways.

Tenth Doctor (;allons-y;): The main timeline is post end of time where he is fighting of regeneration. But very much not set in stone!

Hannibal:

Freddie Lounds (;crimesleuth;): Freddie Lounds is journalist for tattle-crime, not afraid to push boundaries when she wants something. Most come to believe its for a sense of Justice. But Freddie has a dark secret, too. (AUish) 

Hannibal Lecter (;ripper;): Hannibal Lecter, also known as the chesapeake ripper is a therapist who also doubles as a cannibal?? Plot wise he can be anywhere but will primarily placing for surviving the fall if not specified. 

Will Graham (;Graham;): In canon (formerly) works as a special consultant for the FBI. Primarily putting him in season 2-3. Can also be post surviving fall.

Baldurs gate 3:

Karlach {;Infernal Engine;): Karlach is tiefling set in the world of baldurs gate 3. She is red skinned and has two horns, however one of her horns is broke off. Her heart? Yeah its engine thats only getting hotter. She served for ten years in avernus, unwillingly a champion to Zariel. Until she escaped, but is she ever really free?

Isobel {;let me be your guide and I'll show you the light | Isobel;}