#Ed’s like ‘nah love. no fate involved. just me.’

[poison-into-positivity]

Thinking about “he just happened upon the ship that I was bleeding out on”, and… Stede still doesn’t know the lengths Ed went to in order to meet him, does he?

“The chances of us meeting each other in the first place [were slim].” No they were not. Babygirl your man tracked the Revenge to two different locations, sent his first mate to personally find you and invite you aboard, and obliterated a Spanish naval vessel, all just so he could have one conversion with you.

Ed was down catastrophically from day one, but Stede still thinks that Ed saving his life was a happy accident.

[becuzpurple]

NUMB, chapter 1 - Clean Slate

Well, chapter 1 is finally done - enjoy!

(link to previous chapter - intro)

CHAPTER 1 - Clean Slate

December

I ended the call, sitting alone at the small, corner table in disbelief.  After a minute I realized my feet were happy-dancing and I was grinning like a loon in public.

I glanced around the tiny cafe as I took another sip of my hot salted caramel mocha. Thankfully, no one was paying me any attention.

Well, I wanted to change things up, right?  Start fresh...clean slate?  This would certainly do that in a major way.

I got the job!

...

I had six weeks to get my life in order, not that there was very much to do in that respect, before leaving.  I’d already found someone to take over my lease. I still had a month before I needed to give notice at the restaurant.  I didn’t own a car, and had no outstanding loans or any other recurring payments, so there were no loose strings to tie up there, either. My sister agreed to take my cat and let me use her address as my own for any official documentation (banking, etc). And then...my new home would be on the road for at least the next year, assuming everything worked out.

It seemed almost too good to be true - work I love, good pay, lots of travel, and I’d get to practically disappear.  That last thought made me pause and wonder if what I was actually doing was running away from something, albeit legitimately. But, no?  I’d be working within my chosen career, and there was really no one or thing left to run away from.  I wasn’t keeping any secrets from family or friends - they knew about the new job.  I told myself that what I was doing was starting over with a clean slate.  That sounded much better than running away from mistakes and bad memories.

-------

February

I’d been hired as one of two head chefs for Ed Sheeran’s world stadium tour - to actually tour with him (!).  I couldn’t have known beforehand, but he and his team are apparently well-known within the industry for being very close-knit with and taking very good care of their people - even those in catering, it would seem.  I still can’t believe I landed this position.  And to think it never would have happened if Brandon hadn’t left - I’d still be in an unhealthy relationship, still cooking at the same restaurant with no opportunity for advancement, still living an unfulfilling life.  I don’t really believe in fate, or that ‘things happen for a reason’.  I think life is more a series of random happenings, influenced by any number of factors.  But I will say that in this case, losing Brandon seemed to have helped me land my dream job.

I’d so far met Ed briefly, a handful of times, and he was lovely. He’s down to earth, humble...very likable.  He remembered my name after meeting me only once, which surprised me, since I know he meets a stupid number of people every day.  He calls me ‘Samantha’.  I usually go by just ‘Sam’, but for some reason I’ve never corrected him.   

I inherited an abundantly stocked mobile kitchen, complete with state-of-the-art appliances and gadgets.  When I inquired about procuring one or two additional pieces, not an eye was batted.  Turns out I’m allocated a generous monthly budget just for things like that.

There are two catering teams, and a very nice man named Jonas Brandt is the head of the other one. He’s from Germany, in his late 40’s, with a wife and two young boys back home. He worked Ed’s arena tour last year, and is a wonderful friend and mentor to me.  He was quite happy with my hire, and confident in my abilities, so that’s a great boost of confidence for me, too.

This job demands a lot, and much of it doesn’t even involve food, directly. There’s a lot of planning involved.  I found I have to be about 5 steps ahead to make sure everything is ready when we get to each new location.  My team and I rotate with Jonas and his team - one feeds the advance crew as they set up everything days before the show while the other stays with the rest of the crew who don’t need to be there until the day before or day of the show.

In addition to the huge amount of background work and planning, I oversee the actual food preparation and service, as well.  There is a very strong social aspect to sharing meals - it brings people together, literally, and I want in on that. These were generally very nice, fun, happy folks, and I love being a part this wacky, traveling family of friends.

-------

March, Dunedin, New Zealand

I screwed up.  Well, someone on my team did, but that means it falls on me. My planned menu for that night sort of fell apart.  We were to serve Kiwi burgers as the main entree that evening, and Hokey Pokey ice cream for dessert - both local favorites.  Someone dropped the ball, and one of the main elements of Kiwi burgers, beetroot, wasn’t ordered, nor was the specialty ice cream. To make matters worse, I didn’t personally receive word of this oversight until food prep was already underway.  I made a few frantic phone calls, but it was too late to pull together an order as large as what was needed. I still had plenty of food for everyone, including gourmet burgers - just not Kiwi burgers...no local flair.  It was something I had started to pride myself in - the daily tie-ins or nods to the cuisine of wherever we happened to be.  I was...not happy.

At the very last minute I was able to score an enormous amount of Jaffas, the sugar-coated, orange-flavored chocolate balls that are a favorite among New Zealanders.  Between those and the supply of plain, old vanilla ice cream and mini apple pies we already had in the freezer, there were plenty of sweets for after dinner.  But that hardly made up for what I considered a failed main course.

I had no idea if anyone besides my staff and myself even realized that the meal wasn’t quite what it was supposed to be.  I must have been in the mood to punish myself, though, because I hovered near the food stations while everyone collected their meals, hoping to gauge their reactions.

No one appeared to even notice, and if they did, no one said anything.  They seemed perfectly oblivious to the beetless state of the burgers, and didn’t even realize they were missing out on specialty ice cream.  Leave it to me to build things up in my head like that.  I felt a little stupid about it, but I can’t help holding myself up to high standards - I’m a perfectionist.

Eventually, I started to make my way back to the kitchen, to take a moment and finally breathe, but before I made it back there I heard someone calling my name.

“Samantha!”  

I looked back to see Ed waving me over to the dessert station.  He’d apparently just filled several red Solo cupfuls of Jaffa balls which were lined up on the table in front of him.  I was a little surprised to see him - he practically never eats with us.  He’s usually either out with friends or busy working with industry colleagues when he’s not on stage - the man's schedule is insane.  So it was just my luck that the one time he was actually there to eat was when I had my big food fail.

I returned his smile with a slightly awkward grin and wave, and backtracked to the dessert station.

“Do you need help with those?”  Because helping Ed Sheeran carry hundreds of tiny chocolate balls would be a totally normal thing, right?  

What is my life? 

He gave me a quick look before returning his attention to the eight or so cups full of candies in front of him, biting his lower lip as he pondered.

“Nah, I think...yeah!”  He grunted triumphantly as he quickly arranged the cups into two groups of four, and picked them all up with fingers extended into each cup.  He looked like a happy lobster proudly waving his claws at me, but he was a little too exuberant about it and Jaffa balls were soon bouncing out of the cups onto the floor.

“Ohhh...”

He looked so abashed I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Um.  That’s not...that wasn’t supposed to happen...”

“Aw, and you were so happy, too,”  I giggled.  We both got down on our hands and knees to collect the wayward Jaffas.

He grinned right back at me lifting an eyebrow mischievously.  “I’m really sorry I dropped my balls on the floor.  Thanks for helping me pick up my balls.”

“I...wow.  You’re welcome, I guess?  Any time.”

I could feel my face flushing, and I know he saw it, too, because he gave me a look of amused pity.

“Sorry,” he murmured.

“No, no, it’s fine.  Here, give those over.”  I held out my hands.  I’ll toss them in the kitchen trash.” 

As he did so, a girl with long, curly brown hair passed nearby, curiously looking over at us on the floor.  She gave me a friendly grin, and then demanded of Ed, “What are you up to?  Are you bothering this nice lady?”

“No!  Samantha just...took my dirty balls...”

She looked at him blankly for a moment, then turned to me.  I held out my handful of Jaffa balls for her to see, only slightly mortified.

Shaking her head, she answered, “Right.  Carry on, then,” and continued on her way.

We both grinned after her for a second or two, and then got up and headed to the kitchen.  

“That was Lauren, by the way.  Have you met?”

“No, not yet, but I definitely like her.”

I dumped the dirty Jaffas into a bin and turned back to Ed.

“So, um, I really needed a laugh right about now, so thanks,” I murmured.

“Yeah?  Everything okay?”  We were standing fairly close - right about where personal space becomes defined, and all of his focus was on me.  He has a very sincere face, and really pretty eyes...

I mentally shook myself. Anyway... “Yeah, I was just...stressed about a job thing.” I tried to shrug it off but he was having none of it.

“What, this job? Here?”

“No, it’s nothing, really.  It's fine.”  

He looked so earnestly concerned, almost as if he was personally affronted that my job, which existed because of him, could cause me any stress.  So, I found myself telling him all about the Kiwi Burger Problem.

“Beetroot?”

“Yeah, it’s...a thing here, I guess.  You were all supposed to get an authentic New Zealand meal tonight.”

“Huh.  Well, if it makes any difference, I don’t think anyone here is the wiser. The burgers were fab.  I mean, I would have tried it, for sure...but beetroot on burgers does sound kind of weird.”

I huffed out a quiet laugh, nodding.  “Yeah. ‘When in Rome’, right?  Well,” I shrugged, “At least you got the Jaffa balls...”

At the mention of the Jaffas he looked back towards the dessert station, where he’d left the rest of his candies.  “Oh - gotta go get m’balls!”

I stayed where I was, leaning against the door frame, grinning after him as he made his way back to the dessert station for his...balls.  I knew right then, as he repeated his lobster claw-grab of the cups of candy, that I was going to immensely enjoy knowing him. 

“Been a pleasure, Samantha, see ya soon.”  This time he didn’t wave his already-occupied hands, but nodded at me instead, as he left.  

“Likewise.  Enjoy your balls, Ed,” I called after him.

Only after he was gone did I realize I forgot to even mention the Hokey Pokey ice cream.

---

(next chapter)

As always, I really appreciate any and all feedback.  Likes, comments, reblogs, messages/questions/comments...it’s all good!

 It’s really hard to find motivation to write when you have no idea if anyone likes or cares about what you’re putting out there.  So PLEASE share your thoughts!

-BP💜

[yourladyocs]

do all the dnd asks!

Alrighty~~

1. A favorite character you have played.

This comes as no surprise but Lumley is one of my favorites! 

2. Your favorite character that someone else has played.

(I’m going to steal a move from you and list them all out)

Zach-- I have to say Nickels! Crazy bird boy and what a good dad!!Ari-- I have never seen Rat Boy in action, but god do I want to. So badly!!Lemon-- Peitho!! How can someone resist the charm of Peitho!!You-- Honestly, I really love Teffan!!Connor-- Honestly, I’m blanking on the name but that Rainbow Genasi Monk. He was the funniest character I think I have seen! XD

3. Your favorite side quest.

I really liked the side quest involving the amulet’s identity and finding out how to get rid of it. The Eros and Psyche(?) arc of the campaign.  

4. Your current campaign.

Well, I’m not running any! But I’m in a murder mystery/cosmic horror campaign! I’m also in a long standing campaign involving Spy kids! 

5. Favorite NPC.

Can I say Hamlet? 

6. Favorite death (monster, player character, NPC, etc).

THE MAYOR. We spent over 16+ hours trying to get this guy killed. I’m so glad we did it.

7. Your favorite downtime activity.

Besides D&D? lol 

8. Your favorite fight/encounter.

Listen, I love the Mayor fight/encounter to a T. It was my first real difficult fight mixed with a really great DM and really just a huge bonding boost with everyone there. 

9. Your favorite thing about D&D.

The bonding with all my friends! Now that we are all in different places, it’s really the only time I get to hang out with them. So I guess I hold it in a special place in my heart when we have those moments. 

10. Your favorite enemy and the enemy you hate the most.

Can they be the same? Because THE MAYOR. But nah really my favorite enemy is Aengus and the one I hated the most was the Mayor. 

11. How often do you play and how often would you ideally like to play?

If I could play every other day if I could lol. 

12. Your in game inside jokes/memes/catchphrases and where they came from.

We have started a running joke about how Honeyclaw peed herself in front of one of our enemies. Also I like to think it’s a sorta inside joke. But my character Percy is always pointed as the most dangerous and the murderer in our murder mystery campaign. 

13. Introduce your current party.

Oh! That’s a lot! (Its going to go like: Name-- Murder Mystery-- Spy Kids)

Me-- Percy (A Tiefling Android) -- Lumley (A water genasi with mommy issues)A -- Lael (Mean Half-Elf Tech Guy) -- Rowan (a paranoid rogue, who is a prince!)C-- DM (Good band of murderers) -- Ko/Kumo (a very complex elf with daddy issues)C-- Guardian (A Robot who defies death) -- DM (villains, spies, oh my!)L-- JJ Divnyl (John Mulaney tiefling) -- Peitho (10/10 would seduce you)Z-- Senhora (has a dog!!) -- Honeyclaw (cat lady who peed on enemy)

14. Introduce any other parties you have played in or DM-ed.

So much! I have done so manyyyyyy. I have dm-ed a lot but I forgot most of the people’s character names. I had a party that consisted of a bunch of teenagers exploring a magical realm where the real villains were creatures in a tree. I had a party of a cleric of fate (who just let everything be), a bard that seduced a noble woman, and my character was a paladin who ran around trying to fix things. I played a campaign with Nickels, a poet named Christian Anderson (who was very good on the bagpipes), with a water genasi who hit on every girl, a warlock of the undead who really wanted a zombie servant, and my character was a cleric of an evil god. 

15. Do you have snacks during game times?

It wouldn’t be a game without one. 

16. Do you play online or in person? Which do you prefer?

A mix of both. I prefer in person, but we make it work. 

17. What are some house rules that your group has?

No blatantly evil characters. 

18. Does your party keep any pets?

One of us has a dog yes. 

19. Do you or your party have any dice superstitions?

I do! You gotta sleep with your dice under your pillow before you roll them!! They gotta adapt to you! 

20. How did you get into D&D? How long have you been playing?

I played for a couple of years! It was through school friends that I got really into it! 

21. Have you ever regretted something your character has done?

All the time lol. My characters are not smart. 

22. What color was your first dragon?

Ice White!

23. Do you use premade modules or original campaigns?

Original Campaigns? Idk I just make it up. 

24. How much planning/preparation do you do for a game?

I do a little! I like to get into character before I show up to session. 

For DMs

25. What have your players done that you never could have planned for?

I never really plan anything. The one time I planned out a campaign, everyone had sex in an elevator or with my main hero npc. I learned to sorta not plan after that. 

26. What was your favorite scene to write and show your characters.

My favorite thing to write was the introduction of the spirits in the tree. They were my favorite characters and I liked how they were introduced. 

27. Do you allow homebrew content?

Yes lol

28. How often do you use NPCs in a party?

A lot. 

29. Do you prefer RP heavy sessions or combat sessions?

A mix of both. I can’t do heavy RP good since I have trouble focusing on keeping in character with one character. 

30. Are your players diplomatic or murder hobos?

Depends on which party. Mostly diplomatic. 

For Players

31. What is your favorite class? Favorite race?

CLERIC! CLERIC! CLERIC! And I mostly play Elves. 

32. What role do you like to play the most? (Tank/healer/etc?)

I like being the support. Sometimes that is the healer cleric or a ranger that comes with a lot of spells to break up enemy lines. 

33. How do you write your backstory, or do you even write a backstory?

I do write backstories! I like reading all the background things first and trying to decide from there. Xanathar’s has a super good guide for building background so I started glancing at those. 

34. Do you tend pick weapons/spells for being useful or for flavor?

Depends on the class personally. For my hexblade warlock, Percy, I picked the axe for flavor. For my ranger, I picked archery since it seemed best for her build. 

35. How much roleplay do you like to do?

I think I like to do it a lot, but a lot of my characters are self inserts so its not really playing a role lol. 

[edsbrak]

sixteen weeks (chapter 6)

pairing: reddie, side eddie/omc chapters: 6/? rating: explicit tags: college AU, FWB

read on Ao3

Summary: Eddie and Richie are roommates in college, and after the events of one drunken confession they both agree it wouldn’t hurt to start casually hooking-up. Things go about as well as expected.

warnings: still none, lmao, just Richie being Richie

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

*

In the week following their first date, Eddie had been texting Jacob back and forth a good handful of times a day. It turns out he was as easy to talk to both in person and over text. In past experiences, Eddie had dated guys who tended to be either or, and there was nothing more off putting than someone who couldn't hold a conversation, no matter how hot they were.

On day four of their flirt-texting, Eddie had arranged for them to meet up for date number two. For lack of better planning, Eddie suggested the movies, but he'd also wanted to see the movie Get Out for a while now, so he figured, why not kill two birds with one stone? (These days he tries to never use that analogy around Stan).

Jacob looked as handsome as ever as he waited outside the cinema for him. He'd given Eddie another light kiss to his cheek in greeting, to which Eddie flushed greatly and pushed them both inside to reach the air-con and escape the blistering heat of outside, obviously.

And once again, Jacob insisted on paying for their tickets and also for snacks, but Eddie had stopped him part-way to the candy bar with a lip-biting smile.

“I actually bring my own food,” he merely stage whispers, because everyone knows people sneak stuff into the movies regardless of the rules and most staff members couldn’t care less. He opens up his satchel and shows Jacob a hoard of food, ranging from an apple to liquorice to Pringles. Jacob quirks a brow at him before smiling. “What?”

“You are so damn cute,” Jacob laughs kindly. Eddie looks down bashfully before taking it in stride.

“Which would you like? Take your pick.”

Jacob reaches for the apple and throws it up in the air before catching it. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” he winks. Eddie thinks he might be a little bit in love already.

The theatre isn't too packed and they find a nice spot up the back, and Eddie isn't even concerned with back row make-outs because he becomes so damn engrossed in the movie to even remember that sometimes happens on dates. Jacob doesn't seem bothered though, and is content with just resting his arm over the back of Eddie's chair. Eddie does lean into his body more at some point, and the contact is enough to have him smiling in the dark like a love-struck teenager.

The sun was setting in a beautiful orange when they leave the cinema, and Jacob suggests they take a walk down buy the torrens. Eddie fills up a lot of the conversation about the movie and how incredible it was. Jacob barely gets a word in, but appears to enjoy Eddie's ramblings nonetheless.

“Ah, sorry, shit. I'm talking too much,” Eddie stops to apologise.

“No, no,” Jacob assures him with a raised hand. “I love it when people are passionate about things. Makes for interesting conversations.”

Eddie holds onto his satchel strap and proudly smiles head-on. A ping echoes from one of the smaller pockets of his bag, and Eddie makes an apologetic gesture to Jacob before retrieving his phone and swiping it open.

hows it go with mr perfect??

Eddie debates just saving his answer for when he'll see Richie later, but a bigger part of his wants to gush, badly. He begins to type without another thought.

Really good. I swear, it's like the God's heard my plea and sent him down from heaven just for me.

He watches it send off with a woosh and is about to put it away so as not to appear rude in front of Jacob, but Richie replies almost immediately.

if hes ur angel, I can be ur devil, baby

Eddie scowls at his phone, hoping by pure wavelengths alone Richie will be able to feel it. He texts a final See you later, weirdo before returning his full attention back to a patiently waiting Jacob. At some point on the walk, Jacob's hand finds his under the now darkening sky, and Eddie couldn't be happier than where he is right now.

*

He and Jacob continue to text daily after their second (and successful, Eddie would add) date flew by. Finals were now over, and Eddie felt as though he could breathe properly again. It was a weight off his shoulders he was glad to be rid of, and with that knowledge, he could undoubtedly put more energy into seeing Jacob more now that he didn’t have to be married to his textbooks.

Because he and Jacob had yet to actually kiss, on the mouth, and Eddie wasn’t sure what to make of that.

He figured it was normal. Not everyone had to rush into these things, right? They’d only been on two dates so far, and Jacob still appeared very interested, so Eddie had no real reason to worry, right? Right. But that still didn’t stop him from imagining quite frequently what Jacob’s lips would feel like against his own. Would they be rough, insistent? Would he cradle Eddie’s face as he did it? Would he gently nip at Eddie’s lips before slowly dipping his tongue inside—

“Hey, Spaghetti Man.”

And of course, the illusion is shattered by none other than Richie Tozier.

“What?” Eddie almost snaps, coming down off the high that was his imagination at its best.

“Damn,” Richie grins. “Jacob still hasn’t given you any, huh? He’s got you all tense.” he says this as he pokes Eddie’s side, fingernail sharp.

“Are you always this interested in the sex lives of people you’re not a part of?” Eddie asks the ceiling.

“Absolutely, it’s what keeps me going,” Richie says as he rummages through some drawers to find something. Eventually he retrieves a new lighter and pockets it. “Nah, I’m just kidding, sort of. Have you at least swapped spit yet?”

Richie, for all he appears to be on the surface, sometimes displays a keen sense into what people are thinking. It scares Eddie, just a little bit. Should he even tell Richie the truth? Or would he simply bug Eddie more on the lack of sexual prowess in his dating life? With a small sigh he finally concedes, mostly from the need to just tell someone about his minor and most likely pointless worries.

“No, we haven’t…” Eddie starts as he exhales air louder than usual. “I know everyone is different, maybe he’s just shy…”

“Wait, wait,” Richie interrupts. He picks up Eddie’s phone and tosses it to him. “I need to see a pic.”

Eddie eyes him. “Really? You’re not just gonna stalk him after?”

“You really need to chill,” Richie laughs and jerks his head towards Eddie’s phone again. “C’mon, if I see his eyes, I can tell you exactly what he’s thinking.”

“I can’t believe this…” Eddie mumbles but complies to Richie’s less-than-ideal demands anyway. He had added Jacob to Facebook right after their second date, for whenever Eddie hated to use up all of his talk and text data. He pulls up Jacob’s profile and hesitantly shows it to Richie.

Richie whistles lowly. “Damn, he looks tall. Is he tall? Taller than me?”

“Maybe slightly,” Eddie smirks marginally, knowing it will probably irk Richie to an extent. He watches him closely, waiting for what, exactly? He didn’t know, but perhaps he was slightly on edge about what Richie might say. He’s swiping through more photos from the looks of it, and Eddie swallows the urge to ask for his phone back.

“Do you think it’s me? Am I putting something out there that somehow conveys I don’t want him to kiss me?” Eddie asks when Richie is quiet for too long.

“Maybe you’ve got bad breath,” Richie offers. Eddie kicks at his shin lightly. “Alright, alright. I’m sure it’s nothing, Eds. Maybe he’s got a three date rule or something.”

“What if it’s some Barney Stinson level ploy?” Eddie throws in, mostly joking.

“Nah,” Richie says with a shake of his head. “I went out with a guy once who didn’t wanna do anything until a few hangs. Sometimes people need intimacy before they can get off. It’s normal.”

“Huh…” Eddie pauses, thinking that option over. He knew all of that well and good, that sometimes a relationship needs to grow before anything else can happen. The guy didn’t seem to have a problem with showing affection, but maybe Jacob was just as apprehensive about putting himself out there, just like Eddie. Maybe this was a good thing. “I guess that might be possible…”

“I mean, don’t take my word for it. Unless I’m right, then I will take full credit,” Richie says and finally hands him back his phone. “You’re hot, Eds. It’d be weird if he weren’t attracted to you.”

Eddie can’t deny the hot flush to his cheeks from Richie’s blatancy. Ever since they’ve stopped sleeping together, Eddie has noticed how increasingly vocal Richie is about his physical appearance. To any outsider, Richie’s crass personality was a lot to endure when first encountered, but as it turned out, once you slept with him and actually started to get to know him, those traits tended to gradually become white noise. It was just who Richie was, so Eddie has begrudgingly accepted his fate.

“It’s strange when you’re actually helpful sometimes,” Eddie says teasingly.

“Well, I was due,” Richie shrugs. “I mean, who knows, maybe the guy’s got a tiny dick and he’s just pampering you up so the reveal isn’t as disappointing.”

“Aaand there it is,” Eddie drawls. “Y’know, after removing the sex portion of this friendship, it’s really quite a burden being around you.” Eddie hopes it’s not too mean, but Richie was the king of trash talk. God, he was definitely rubbing off on Eddie.

“Hey, I’ll have you know it’s totally possible to be friends with me without having sex involved.”

Eddie raises both brows in surprise. He’s not sure whether to make a comment on that little claim, or to save it for another time. Or maybe he was simply reading into it and Richie was joking.

“Also, you just admitted to being my friend,” Richie grins manically after some moments pass. Eddie feels his face twist up, not knowing if he should quickly correct himself. But then Richie steps over so he can pull Eddie into a bone-crushing bear hug. “Hello, my friend whom I used to dick into unadulterated ecstasy.”

Eddie grumbles under his breath as he waits for Richie to be done. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

“No?” Richie pulls back on a pout. “Damn, I gotta work on some new material. Clearly my performances aren’t up to scratch, then.”

Eddie refuses to tell Richie that he is, in fact, very good at what he does. The guy didn’t need any more ego boosting.

“Can you write up a review for me, and don’t skimp on the details, okay? Richie Jr always has room to improve.”

Eddie sighs like he’s suffering multiple stab wounds. “I miss Jacob.”

*

So he and Jacob decide to meet up again later in the week.

Eddie would have liked to meet up sooner, but Jacob says he had to help his friend move out of their apartment that week, so it would be best to leave date number three for the beginning of the weekend. Eddie can’t help but fidget from the possibility of Richie being right. A whole weekend to themselves, in Jacob’s now empty apartment? Oh boy, yeah. He was definitely getting some soon and that fact was not lost on him at all.

But he really had no reason to complain. He’d been regularly getting some since his and Richie’s agreement all those weeks ago. It’s not like Eddie was starved for physical affection. But he was starved for affection from someone who actually liked him romantically. That was a whole other ballgame entirely.

He’s almost forgotten what that’s like – to share a bed with someone you might be able to picture seeing yourself with further down the line. The thought has him smiling.

“What’s got you all smiley over there, huh?” Bev asks and throws a chip towards Eddie’s head.

They were all sprawled out across Bev and Ben’s shared dorm room on Wednesday night. It had been dubbed a ‘cool down’ hang by Ben, mostly consisting of eating whatever shit they felt like as movie after movie played unnoticed on their small TV. Everyone was mostly too tired to care, with the events of the past school year finally catching up and rendering them into mindless zombies. Eddie has his legs thrown atop Richie’s lap, while Richie had his head back as he released a cloud of smoke into the air from his cig. Don’t worry; they had windows open and several cans of Febreze at the ready.

“He’s gay – he’s thinking about dick, duh,” says Richie helpfully. And he’s not wrong, Eddie muses.

“Are you?” Stan asks. He’s the only one still with books out as he sits on the ground next to the coffee table. Eddie doesn’t know if Stan is even human.

“Hmm, yeah, I am,” Eddie says. He’s gotten abnormally comfortable with these people faster than he thought he would. “Also love, too. Love makes the world go around, right?”

“Oh, love?” Bev says. She sits up straight from where she was leaning against Ben, a gleam in her eyes.

“Please, don’t start that again,” Richie says.

Bev grins. “All you need is love.”

“But a girl has got to eat,” Richie says, clearly now imitating someone.

“All you need is love,” Bev sings, getting louder as she stands up on the couch.

“She’ll end up on the street!” Richie says back, and Eddie is very confused at this point. None of the others appear to be, though, as Stan and Ben ignore them.

“All you need is love,” Bev sings again, drawing out each word in an intoxicating melody.

“Love is just a game, toots,” Richie blows her a kiss.

“Um, what?” Eddie asks them both.

“Moulin Rouge?” Bev says to him, not really a question. Eddie shrugs his shoulders. Bev and Richie share a look and then just like that Bev is jumping down from the couch and rushing into her room.

“Oh, now you’ve done it,” Stan says, completely monotone.

“What?” Eddie looks around him before landing on Richie. “What have I done?”

And before Richie can answer, Bev is back and carrying a DVD case with her. “We’re going to watch Moulin Rouge, baby, for you are uneducated and we need to rectify that, immediately.” She says all of this while pointing at Eddie and putting in the DVD without so much as looking at the buttons.

There are still many questions going unanswered here. “Oh, okay. So we’re doing this? Alright then,” Eddie says to no one in particular.

“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this,” Richie whispers as the opening shots of Paris fill up the screen.

“So?” Eddie settles back down to get more comfy. Richie ends up using Eddie’s legs to rest his arms on. The room is kind of hot but Eddie figures he’ll just power through it. “There are heaps of movies I’ve never seen. Casa-bla-bla-whatever, never seen it. Pulp Fiction? Nada. Avatar, the highest grossing film ever, and I will never care to see what Pandora actually looks like.”

Richie appears to bite his lip, either holding back a scolding or a smile, Eddie doesn’t know. “How are you real?” he eventually says, and again, Eddie isn’t sure if it’s an endearment or an insult.

“Alright, shush everyone. Eddie, this is one of the greatest soundtracks ever and I need the sweet sound of Ewan to blow your mind away, okay?” Bev says and turns the volume up.

“Okay,” Eddie agrees, because he seems to have no other choice.

*

When the movie is over, Eddie finds himself with unshed tears in his eyes, staring blankly at the screen before it returns to the menu.

“That…” Eddie sniffles, somewhat dramatically. “That was amazing. Oh my god, it’s not fair. Their love toppled Titanic’s by a mile.”

“Hey, don’t let Leo hear you say that,” Richie teases as he lifts Eddie so he’s half in his lap like a baby to coddle. Eddie goes somewhat willingly, still reeling from the love that could never be.

“See? I knew you’d love it,” Bev gushes. Ben and Stan had moved around a lot during the film, and Eddie figures they’ve both been forced to watch it multiple times before and now have free reign to skip it.

“Yeah, it was… good,” Eddie says lamely. Richie snickers into his hair. Eddie suddenly wants that – that all encompassing love to share with someone. God, wouldn’t that be nice.

“He has been converted. My job here is done,” Bev nods.

Eddie smiles at her. And then he remembers- “Hey, you guys?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you all like to meet my other friends, Bill and Mike? Maybe sometime next week, maybe? Before everyone officially leaves for summer break…” Eddie ventures, subconsciously settling back into Richie and feeling him pinch Eddie’s leg.

“Hey, yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” Bev says, and Ben and Stan announce their agreements from across the room where they’re currently playing Chinese checkers, it seems.

“Oh, cool,” Eddie says. “They have their own place, so we could all go there? Mike is of age so he can actually buy us drinks.”

“Hell yeah, I like him already,” Richie says.

Eddie retrieves his phone from his pocket and pulls up his conversation with Mike. “I’ll let them know. Just a heads up, they’ll probably want to adopt you all and feed you kale smoothies or something.”

“That’s the opposite of a problem,” Bev says before patting her stomach. “Lord knows I need some green in me.”

“Why is it the first thing I think of is the Grinch giving it to you doggy style?” Richie says.

“What the fuck?” Eddie sputters.

“Richie, you’re such a turd, oh my god,” Ben calls over. “Also, stop picturing my girlfriend having sex, thank you. If you’re gonna do that then at least include me in the background handing out mints or something.”

Bev is uncontrollably laughing at this point, and soon enough Eddie finds it’s hard not to catch the giggles too. Stan says something about needing new friends.

*

Now that finals were over, Eddie has been dreading the day for when his mother will make her scheduled call to ask him when he’s coming home.

There’s really no where else for him to go, unless Mike and Bill don’t care for him to crash at their place for months on end. Although, Eddie would rather not have to suffer through hearing their loud as shit sex through the walls anymore. Speaking of sex, he hasn’t responded to Jacob’s last text, since he was ducking into the shower earlier when it came through.

Hey, would you want to go out tomorrow night? I figure since it’s the weekend now..

Before he gets a chance to chicken out, he sends it and locks his phone like it was on fire. Now bored, he looks over at Richie reading a volume of One Piece on his bed. Eddie bites his lip in contemplation.

“So… I asked Jacob out tomorrow…”

Richie turns a page. “Yeah, and?”

Eddie narrows his eyes. He knows Richie is fucking with him. “And… I need your help… again.”

Richie raises the book higher, probably to hide his grin. Eddie makes a frustrated sound and Richie finally acknowledges him.

“Eds,” he leans forward and cock his head. “Just be yourself, yeah? Or, you could just do what you did with me.”

“Huh?”

“Y’know,” Richie waves a hand around flippantly. “Get totally shitfaced before asking me to put my dick in ya. People appreciate bluntness.”

Eddie laughs despite himself. Suddenly, his ringtone echoes throughout the room, and simultaneously both boys turn to look at it. Eddie draws in a breath before flipping it over to see the caller. It’s just his mum. Dammit.

“Hi, ma,” Eddie says quietly.

“Eddie,” his mother replies curtly. She’s never one for small talk. “When are you coming home?”

Eddie closes his eyes. “Soon. In a week. I just have a few shifts left at work to cover. I’ll be done by Wednesday.”

“Okay,” Sonia says. If there’s one thing Sonia will not protest to it’s Eddie’s job. “I will drive down and pick you up. Have all of your stuff ready, okay?”

“Yes ma,” Eddie says, nodding despite her not seeing.

“Okay. Kisses.”

And then she was gone.

Eddie releases a deep sigh and shakes it out. Richie is watching him closely.

“Overbearing mum?” he asks.

“Kind of,” Eddie says lowly. “Also detached mum. Judgmental mum. Doesn’t really understand me mum and doesn’t want to.”

“Hmm,” Richie looks at his lap. Eddie’s phone pings.

Hey! I’d love to see you tomorrow! What time?

And the text should have Eddie feeling good; should have him feeling excited. But like a lingering slap she won’t leave his mind, and suddenly scenarios of Jacob meeting his mother manifest and he can’t help but feel remnants of his mother’s shame crawl up his throat and sink their claws into him. There’s a hand on his shoulder, and he looks up to see Richie giving him a small smile. He doesn’t say anything, but Eddie understands. He begins to type.

How about 7? Maybe at your place, actually? We can just hang? :)

Eddie holds his breath as he waits for Jacob’s response.

Good idea! Having a quiet night in sounds pretty good right now. X

Eddie laughs, feeling tingly all over. “He added a fucking ‘x’. Oh man.”

Richie punches his shoulder lightly. “See? Honesty is key.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie mumbles. It was Thursday now, so he just had to make it through one more day.

*

Jacob’s place really was quite sparse now that his roommate has moved out.

Eddie leaves his bag near the front door, its contents including his toothbrush and a spare pair of boxers. Just in case, obviously.

“What would you like to do?” Jacob asks. It sounds casual enough at this point in time, so Eddie figures maybe later things will get a chance to heat up. “Luckily the TV is mine, and the couch, or else we’d be left with just Spongebob Monopoly.”

Eddie laughs. “I love Monopoly. We could play that?”

Jacob grins. “Really? I hear it tears families apart; marriages have ended.”

“Well, good thing we’re not married then, huh?” Eddie asks. It wasn’t meant to sound suggestive, but it sure comes out that way. A spark flashes across Jacob’s eyes.

So Jacob leaves to get the game while Eddie grabs himself a glass of water after Jacob tells him where the cups have moved to. He downs the entire glass before smoothing out his pants, and walks back into the living area to help Jacob set it all up. Eddie insists on being banker, claiming it’s his birth right. Jacob makes no protests and chooses the thimble as his piece, but then places the hat on top of it.

“It’s Thimblana Jones,” he explains. “I did it all the time when I was a kid.”

“You dork,” Eddie snorts. “But, fair. Harrison Ford was a looking back then.”

“Definitely,” Jacob says, not taking his eyes off Eddie. Eddie feels his heart rate getting louder.

So they play the game, mostly goofing off with it at first, only as more and more properties were being bought Eddie can’t help it when his competitive side shows through. He hoards all of the cheaper sets, so he can get hotels on the board quicker. An hour passes by and things were already heating up. Playing with just two people was a lot better than, say, five, since he never has to wait long to make his strike.

“Ha!” Eddie yells triumphantly when Jacob lands on a hotel for the second time in a row. “Pay up, sucker.”

“Oh man,” Jacob groans as he goes through his rapidly disappearing money pile. “Are you sure there isn’t some…” he pauses for effect as he looks at Eddie. “… other way I can pay it off?”

Eddie flushes, hard. Why was flirting so fucking great?

“Perhaps…” he says with purpose. There was something buzzing between them, something palpable. It was sending shivers down Eddie’s spine. “What were you thinking, exactly…?”

Jacob pretends to think it over, now looking down at the board. He ends up flicking one of Eddie’s hotels and it clatters away on the floor like the final pin dropping.

“How dare you,” Eddie says, not even caring.

Jacob smiles, his eyes landing on Eddie’s lips. “Yeah? What are you going to do about it?”

Eddie can feel his insides quaking. This was it – this was the moment.

So with determination he slides the game out of his way, and with a shallow breath he slowly begins to crawl forward until he’s in Jacob’s space. Jacob’s hand finds its way into Eddie’s curls, their noses almost touching, and Eddie hasn’t felt this scared and excited for something in a while.

“Pay up,” he whispers between them.

“With pleasure,” is all Jacob says before he’s lifting Eddie into his lap and slotting their mouths together.

Eddie moans instantly, his hands shaking and pulse racing as the feeling of being wanted envelops him like a warm greeting.

They part long enough to begin removing clothes as they walk the short walk to Jacob’s bedroom, and Eddie grins with the resolute closing of the door behind them.

Who’d have thought all it took was a game of Monopoly?

*

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How 'Sharknado' Casts Its C-Listers and Nearly Landed Trump as President

http://styleveryday.com/2017/08/03/how-sharknado-casts-its-c-listers-and-nearly-landed-trump-as-president/

How 'Sharknado' Casts Its C-Listers and Nearly Landed Trump as President

Months before he declared himself a candidate, Trump was set to play commander-in-chief in the schlocky Syfy film franchise that has lured everyone from Ann Coulter to Charo for cameos while regular Tara Reid makes a quarter of one male co-star’s pay.

In January 2015, two years before he was sworn in as president, Donald Trump was set to step into the same role in a very different capacity: He had signed on to play the president in 2015’s Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Producers’ first choice to play the leader of the free world in the Washington, D.C.-set disaster film was Sarah Palin, but negotiations with the former Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee had fallen through. That’s when Ian Ziering, the gung-ho star of the schlocky Syfy franchise, had the inspiration to capitalize on the special relationship he’d developed with Trump while taping Celebrity Apprentice (Ziering made it as far as the penultimate task). His reality TV boss would make a good commander in chief, he reasoned. An offer went out. Almost immediately, it elicited a response.

“The Donald said yes,” recalls David Latt, the 51-year-old co-founder of The Asylum, the off-brand assembly line behind the Sharknado series. “He was thrilled to be asked.”

Alas, Trump never did get to fend off a swarm of hammerheads in the Lincoln Bedroom. (More on why later.) But his story is far from unusual — just one of thousands of familiar faces who have been approached to star in a Sharknado, in what has grown over the course of five films into Hollywood’s D-list answer to a federal jobs-growth program.

“It’s the long-lost love child of The Love Boat and Hollywood Squares,” offers Scotty Mullen, the bubbly casting director responsible for wrangling more than 80 celebrity appearances in Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, which airs on Syfy on Aug. 6, with a splashy live viewing party in Las Vegas that night. (In true low-budget form, Mullen does double-duty as the newest installment’s screenwriter.)

It sounds like the recipe for a fatal drinking game, but fret not: You’re not expected to spot them all. Some of these faces are famous only overseas, while others haven’t been seen in decades. But you probably will recognize a few, including Charo as the Queen of England, Fabio as the Pope, Clay Aiken doing a spoof on Q from the James Bond films and Olivia Newton-John in her first screen role in 17 years, playing a scientist who gives star Tara Reid a Grease-style makeover.

If this terrain is familiar to anyone, it’s Charo, a fixture on such stunt-casted 1980s escapist fare as The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. The 66-year-old star was already a Sharknado fan when she was approached to play Her Royal Highness. “I think the Sharknado movies are hysterical,” she says, pronouncing it “shark-NAH-doe.” “Nowadays especially, we need shows that put a smile on your face. Coochie coochie!”

Coochie coochie ka-ching, that is: Sharknado has become an invaluable, if unlikely, crown jewel for Syfy, watched by tens of millions around the world (the globe-hopping new film capitalizes on that international popularity), registering billions of Twitter impressions and popping up in everything from Jeopardy! questions to The New York Times crossword puzzle.

But it began as just another title in a string of B-movies commissioned by Syfy — no-budget thrillers with names like Bats: Human Harvest and Mongolian Death Worm. Its path to the screen was fairly straightforward: An executive at Syfy heard the word “sharknado” and said, “I love it. Let’s make it.”

Asylum, which has cornered the market in this strain of cinematic dreck, was brought on to produce. They paid screenwriter Thunder Levin (his real name — “It was the ’60s,” he says) $6,000 to turn the word “sharknado” into an actual story — which he did, concocting a tale of a freak cyclone that scoops deadly sharks out of the Pacific and flings them at unsuspecting Angelenos.

With Sharknado script in hand, producers approached more than 100 actors to play male lead Fin Shepard, including Kevin Dillon, Dave Foley, Seth Green, John Stamos and Fred Durst. All of them passed — even the Limp Bizkit frontman, after being told he could also direct. The closest anyone got to signing on before Ziering was Back to the Future‘s Crispin Glover.

“I ended up in this 30-minute conversation with him during a location scouting in San Pedro,” recalls madcap director Anthony C. Ferrante, whose genuine enthusiasm for the franchise — he coined the word “sharknado” and has helmed all of the films — calls to mind a slightly more self-aware Ed Wood. “He wanted to play Fin like he had brain damage or something. And in my head I’m like, ‘OK — my job here is to make sure he says yes to the movie.’ ” Glover said no anyway.

But then something exciting happened: A legitimately talented and famous actor — John Heard — signed on as the movie’s comic-relief barfly, George. (Heard died July 21 while undergoing back surgery; there was barely a mention of Sharknado in tributes.) Reid was next to board, playing Fin’s ex-wife, April. This was after Teri Hatcher, Rebecca Romijn, Tiffani Thiessen and several others had already passed. Still, Reid was considered a big get for the project, whose title was proving to be a potent actor-repellent. “Tara had a profile,” says Gerald Webb, an actor and casting director who worked on the first three films (and appeared in the second). “Syfy liked her.”

With production commencing and still no Fin, a frantic Asylum went back to Ziering, who had already passed several times, and raised the offer to $100,000, according to a source with knowledge of the deal. Also a key conciliation: The title was changed to Dark Skies. (Syfy later changed it back to Sharknado, much to the cast’s dismay.) At the urging of his wife, who had just given birth and wanted Ziering to qualify for SAG medical insurance, he finally said yes.

And then a funny thing happened on the way to the DVD bin: Something about the movie’s ludicrous title and its cast’s commitment to the equally ludicrous premise (the film climaxes with Ziering’s ex-surf champ diving into a great white with a chainsaw) made Sharknado an instant cultural phenomenon when it premiered on July 11, 2013.

While ratings were modest — 1.37 million tuned in — the film lit Twitter on fire, with everyone from Patton Oswalt to Mia Farrow (“Omg omg OMG #sharknado”) singing its so-bad-it’s-good praises.

As a result, Sharknado 2: The Second One was a very different animal. “Everybody wanted to be involved,” recalls Webb. “Every C-list and D-list actor on the planet.” With the unlikely franchise’s new cachet, Asylum decided to take a kitchen-sink approach to casting, with Latt instructing Webb “to literally ask every celebrity we could think of. We came up with a list of a thousand people, including many A-listers.” Most passed. James Franco was a nonstarter. (There was hope he might be up for a cameo after his arc as a serial killer on General Hospital.) William Shatner’s agent replied with a single word: “Sharkna-no.”

But there were a few notable turns in the New York-set sequel, including Judd Hirsch and Airplane‘s Robert Hays playing into type as a taxi driver and jet pilot, respectively; rapper Biz Markie as a pizza chef; and Richard Kind as a Mets legend who bats a shark into the scoreboard. In many cases, their lines were written when they showed up on set.

Sharknado crews are nonunion (they staged a strike on the third installment and were replaced), but the films are SAG-AFTRA-compliant. “Everyone makes the same amount — a flat rate — and nobody was making close to their quote,” says Webb of the cameos. Asked if the pay — for anywhere from two to four hours of set time — would cover the cost of a Ford truck, Webb responds, “Absolutely not. Well, maybe a really beat-up one that would be at the junkyard a week later.”

Bigger roles, which require several days of shooting, pay more. Chris Kattan, whose career has seen some hard knocks since Saturday Night Live, was reluctant to take a cameo in Sharknado 5 — but was open to playing the meatier role of the U.K. prime minister, a part he approached “dead seriously. They were into me doing it that way.” He has gotten good feedback from his co-stars. “Ian said, ‘You’re going to be really, really happy with it,’ ” says Kattan. “So it’s not like Mariah Carey in Glitter — where nobody said anything.”

Mullen, 37, was a struggling screenwriter working as a publicist when his spec script Double-D Island (“It’s like The Hunger Games but topless”) got him noticed by Asylum, which first put him to work writing jokes for Kelly Ripa on Sharknado 2. “They said, ‘We forgot to write something for her,’ ” he recalls of the fateful phone call. “I said, ‘How soon do you need something?’ They said, ‘Well, we’re lighting her now.’ “

But it’s Ann Coulter whom Mullen credits with his big break. Asylum wanted the conservative firebrand to play the vice president in Sharknado 3, but was having no luck through her agent. Mullen suggested the company go through her publicist — “Sharknado‘s more of a publicity opportunity than a thespian exercise” — and Coulter “jumped at the chance. So then they asked me if I was interested in doing more of this.” Asylum agreed to pay Mullen a per-cameo bonus.

He sees his role as very different from that of most casting directors — people whose calls, typically, are eagerly answered by agents and managers. Instead, Mullen says, “you’re always selling them on the publicity value. An agent won’t care because they just want the money, and there is none. But if you pitch it to the publicist, they see all the value to be gotten out of it. You’re here to ride the hell out of that crazy publicity train.”

If it’s really true that there’s “no such thing as bad publicity,” Sharknado is determined to test those boundaries. Some of the most reviled figures in pop culture have popped up as chum. In Sharknado 2 alone, there was Andy Dick (who “was having a tough day that day,” says Webb — Ziering had to hold up cue cards with Dick’s lines on them), Perez Hilton (swallowed whole on a subway platform) and Jared Fogle (“You should really be eating fresh, too,” says Subway’s then pitchman, currently serving 15 years in a federal prison for child porn possession and having sex with minors). Among the few stars Asylum has rejected: porn legend Ron Jeremy, who once stopped by the offices to pitch himself.

Sharknado 3 features a cameo by Anthony Weiner, the disgraced ex-congressman who in May pleaded guilty to sexting with a 15-year-old girl. “I guess I am on that C- to D-level cusp of celebrity that they were looking for,” Weiner told THR in 2015. “But I wouldn’t have conceived of doing it if I were going to play myself.” In fact, a sexting-scandal spoof was exactly what the producers wanted; when Weiner refused, he was enlisted to play a dull NASA administrator instead. Most of his performance was edited out.

For Sharknado 5, everything is bigger, starting with the budget ($3 million, double the cost of the original) and star salaries — Ziering now makes $500,000 per picture. Asylum manages to limit costs when it comes to Reid’s paycheck — she makes about a quarter of what her male co-star earns on each installment. She protested the disparity during the filming of Sharknado 3. Syfy later asked fans whether or not to kill off her character — but the network flatly denies that the two incidents are related. (Fans voted to let her live.) “I think Sharknado cares more about their ‘extra of the day’ than they do about their own cast,” Reid says, clearly weary of the franchise. “You work at something for five years and you don’t get treated as well as someone who shows up for a single day?”

She may be on to something, as the piled-on cameos haven’t added up to higher ratings for the franchise, which peaked at 3.87 million viewers for 2014’s Sharknado 2 before dropping to 2.77 million viewers for 2016’s Sharknado 4. The newest installment — which introduces the concept of wormholes to the, uh, Sharknado mythology — shot on location in London, Tokyo, Rome, Sydney, New York, Los Angeles and Sofia, Bulgaria. Some cameo players were flown to those far-flung places (Greg Louganis jetted off to Sofia to play an art thief), while others (Fabio, Poison’s Bret Michaels — also a Celebrity Apprentice alum) shot a few close-ups at home in L.A., with their stunt doubles in rocker wigs doing the heavy lifting overseas.

Lee Mountjoy, a London-based casting director, was brought on to fill out the ranks and went about enlisting local talent Katie Price (the “Kim Kardashian of the U.K.”) and diving champion Tom Daley — Mountjoy randomly “bumped into him in a train station in London. I said, ‘Do you know Sharknado?’ And he said, ‘Oh, my God, definitely!’ “

Similarly, the Asylum guys ran into George R.R. Martin at a Comic-Con event in 2014, whereupon the Game of Thrones author confessed to being a Sharknado superfan. “I own a theater in New Mexico, and they wouldn’t let me play it,” bemoaned Martin. The producers pulled some strings, and Martin was able to screen the original movie at his theater. (He later showed up in Sharknado 3.)

“We look for cameos from all areas of pop culture to appeal to every fan watching the movie,” says Josh Van Houdt, Syfy’s vp original co-productions. “Whether we’re casting a professional athlete, reality star, actor, musician or politician, our goal is to include a wide variety of stars for viewers to either get excited about or, on the flip side, witness getting eaten by a shark in a spectacular fashion.”

And so it might have been for our 45th president. “We got pretty far,” says Webb of the Trump negotiations. “It was serious talks.” A contract was drawn up and sent to Trump attorney Michael D. Cohen — the same attorney currently under FBI investigation in connection with the Russia inquiry.

But enthusiasm turned into weeks of silence from the Trump camp. Eventually, a reason for the stalling emerged. “Donald’s thinking about making a legitimate run for the presidency, so we’ll get back to you,” Latt recalls Cohen saying. “This might not be the best time.” With the production clock ticking, Asylum pulled the trigger on a backup plan, offering the role to Mark Cuban — a modest casting coup that Syfy trumpeted with a press release.

“Then we immediately heard from Trump’s lawyer,” recalls Latt. “He basically said, ‘How dare you? Donald wanted to do this. We’re going to sue you! We’re going to shut the entire show down!’ ” Contacted by THR, Cohen acknowledges a dinner with Ziering to discuss casting Trump but says he has no recollection of the angry correspondence.

Webb, now at his own production company, is philosophical about the dustup. “I took it personally, but I get it now,” he says. “That was my moment of doing business with Donald Trump. And that’s Sharknado.”

This story first appeared in the Aug. 2 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.