#Everybody's Tired and Nobody Is Happy: Hooray!

[belethlegwen]

The Rescue - Chp 53 - Still Dealing With The Sting

Good morning my lovelies and lurkers <3

The newest chapter of The Rescue is now live! Christmas and the Holiday season being what it is, I haven't had a ton of time (though, mostly energy has been the problem) to write, but I should still have something to go up in two weeks for you all :)

I hope you all have a lovely day and wonderful weekend! If I can get my ass up on time I'm thinking I'll catch The Boy and The Heron today as a step in helping me wind down a little. Honestly really excited to see it.

Enjoy the reading! Thank you all, as always, so much for the comments and kudos and shares <3 I apologize I haven't been able to respond to all the comments like I want to. My brain is deep in scrambled-egg territory.

Love you all, take care of yourselves and each other as best as you can!

~ Belle

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3147

the doctor cleared me to drive :) and to take the sling off! hooray! he said he was extremely impressed at my progress in terms of mobility and i was tempted to say "thanks, im hypermobile," but i didn't, and i also didn't point out that it's only been five weeks since surgery instead of six.

after that really quick doctor's visit, mom and i went to lunch at olive garden because we're italian and not irish at all. and yeah, i know, "but it's olive garden," but i don't care because i like their alfredo and their breadsticks are something i'd kill a man for. especially the ones today, they were fresh out of the oven and not crispy as fuck. they were soft and hot and perfectly seasoned and i was happy to eat three of them.

after lunch we went home, and i grabbed my keys and wallet and went to the grocery store on my first solo trip since before surgery. my shoulder got tired, sure, but that's to be expected at this point still. got a bunch of stuff and happily got it home despite having two of the squeakiest carts known to man. it was awful, but also very funny.

when i got home, i changed into something more suitable to exist in, and i grabbed my phone and my notebook and i was all prepared to give that last number a call and then i saw that the position i was gonna apply for already had 37 applicants. and my heart sank.

i ended up having an emotional crisis as i sat on the floor for a while, lamenting my mental health and self-perception and questioning why the fuck i am the way i am, because when faced with comments like "there's only one you," or "not everybody has your personality or temperament," my first thoughts are "good," or "good, nobody wants that anyway." along with "who would want to hire me anyway," and "there's at least a dozen people who have already applied who are better suited to this position than i am," or "why am i even bothering, i'm not gonna get it, i don't have that kind of luck."

it sucks. but i keep feeling this way about myself and it's not helping me at all. it's like my brain wants me to stay miserable for rest of my fuckin life, with my only use being to help other people do math homework. like, i get it. i want to stay small. going out of my comfort zone is scary. but i want that job. i want to succeed. i want to get out of my current job and do something that's better for me. but my brain is like "nope, you'll never be good enough" and the rest of me is like "yeah okay fair."

i hate it.

anyway, after crying for a while, i moved to the other room and sat on the floor again, i wrote a bunch of stuff about the call in my notebook, i called the number, and i got an answering machine. so i hung up and went back to my laptop and i changed my cover letter to reflect my attempts at getting the right fuckin name, but ultimately being unsuccessful. womp womp.

but i edited it and finished the questionnaire and i sent it in and submitted it. so that's all done.

and then i found some more jobs that would also fit me well, ones that would challenge me and allow for growth. so i have those up in tabs in my browser and i'll probably apply to them this weekend. now that my résumé is up to spec, i'm happier with submitting it places because it sucked before i had a posting general and specific enough to tailor it to. so that's fun. next jobs to apply for are at BAE. and a few other DOD contractors.

dinner was good - i helped keep the kitchen clean in the process of making it, so cleaning up was easy, which i also did, so that was fine.

i went back to my laptop after dinner and printed stuff for the kids which i'll bring up tomorrow, and i'm really gonna need them to buckle down with me and focus on working instead of having distractions every three seconds. here's hoping.

i watched some more fringe tonight. it's such a good show, and we found a channel that's playing it in the evenings, starting from the beginning, and it's toward the end of season 1 at this point. such a good show.

and i got to talk to a friend of mine i haven't gotten to talk to in a long time, and it was nice to catch up on stuff that's happened since the last time we saw each other. he's a good egg.

anyway, no words from joel today, but that's because i'm a shitty girlfriend and never texted him about my shoulder, but i may see him tomorrow at a kickoff planning meeting for the con. finally, though, i can drive myself places without needing to ask to be taken by someone else. finally.

anyway, i need to get up tomorrow morning and im not thrilled about it, but it means i'll get paid later in the month. which is good. so no worries. i'm tired. time for sleep.

[imagine--drv3]

hI'd like to ask whoever wants to write it how the NDRV3 guys handle a s/o who is paralyzed from the waist down (if you'd like to, please include reactions to some dick pushing her out of her wheelchair too. If not, ignore the parentheses.). Also, I'm glad you guys are all together. So much detail is put in these imagines and it makes the scenarios so easy to imagine. Please keep writing and hopefully your life is a great one! Thanks if you do my request! (Also, sorry if I rambled a bit.)

I...may or may not have had to steal this ask from another mod. I really wanted to do this one! I hope you enjoy it! And thank you so much for appreciating our work! Under the cut, because this is a long post.

Korekiyo Shinguuji

the fact that you’re in a wheelchair doesn’t bother him, not at all, he loves you completely.

but the fact that life has damaged your incredible human body does is fact make him a little angry.

he really just wants better for you.

but you promise him you’re happy, and that you’re okay with it.

he chooses to believe you, but just because you’re okay with it doesn’t mean he has to be.

but he still loves you! just not the circumstances you were put in.

he supports you constantly, as he is a firm believer that the best thing he can do for you is be by your side.

two bodies working as one, two people working as one, his legs working as yours.

he’ll push your chair at a second’s notice, and is always there when your arms are tired and you need a rest.

if there’s somewhere that isn’t wheelchair accessible that you want to be, he’ll carry you the entire time, he doesn’t mind at all!

but he’ll have a few stern glares for whoever’s running the place. they really need to work on their accessibility.

if somebody dared to push you out of your chair, he would be furious.

you’d never seen him so angry, he had cussed them out so loudly and feverishly that he was just completely red in the face, he was mad.

you almost thought he was going to get violent, but he scared the guy so badly that the guy eventually ran off.

he was still completely pissed when you two got home, and you promised him it was fine!

no.

no, it’s not fine.

he tells you that it could not be further from fine.

he wants to be able to protect you, he doesn’t want to see you treated that way.

he wants everybody to see you as beautifully as he does.

and seeing you on the ground like that, helpless...it crushed him to think that this is how society sees you. that this is how you have to live.

you beckon him over and hug him close, rubbing his back and promising him that you’re happy.

he just wants more for you.

that’s all.

Rantarou Amami

he understands that he can’t change the way your body is, and he would never want to.

he likes to keep a positive outlook on things! you’re happy, and that’s all that matters to him.

he always pushes your wheelchair around when he can, saying you shouldn’t have to work so hard just to move! it isn’t fair!

more than anything else, he wants the world to be convenient for you.

you almost cried when he paid to have ramps installed all over his house for you, it was just so sweet.

and it made him absolutely broke...but it was for you, and it made things easier for you, and it made you happy, so he didn’t mind at all.

he constantly tells you how beautiful you are, without even mentioning your legs, just to make sure you remember.

but you can tell he’s thinking about your legs.

if somebody pushed you out of your wheelchair, he would be pissed, but he would keep it under control.

before he did anything, he would carefully help you back into your chair, get at eye level with you, and ask you if you were okay.

once he knew you were, he would calmly stand and ask the man to leave.

immediately.

if he did, there would be nothing after that.

if he didn’t, amami would take a step closer, look him dead in the eyes, and ask again.

this would usually scare somebody off, but if it didn’t, he’d fight them for sure.

it would be a short fight, one hit and the other man would be down.

always the best for his love!

he would frequently talk about how rude that man was for the rest of the day, it would be stuck in his head, but he would make sure you were okay consistently as well.

he cares!

Kokichi Ouma

...

well, if nothing else, he promises he loves you.

what that means is that he loves every part of you and would never want to upset you.

what that DOESN’T mean is that he doesn’t constantly ask you to do a wheelie, and sit in your lap when he doesn’t feel like walking, and refuse to push your wheelchair when you ask, and constantly make jokes about your disability (though all in good fun), and try to use you to get pity discounts at every opportunity.

“Sir you’re banned from this movie theater we can’t let you in”

“excuse?? me??? this girl is DYING and her LAST WISH is to SEE THIS MOVIE WITH ME”

and sometimes it actually works.

mostly it does not.

you get a little mad about some of his jokes, but other ones you can’t stay mad at because they’re just so funny.

he just wants to make you laugh!

he wants you to be as happy as possible at all times!

and if he can really see how tired you are, he’ll push your wheelchair for you, but for the most part he thinks free rides are better.

he would 100% try to see how fast he could get your chair going before jumping on the back and screaming lightning mcqueen quotes as you raced by strangers.

and you only crash like half the time!

he thinks your wheelchair is really a blessing!

he doesn’t see it in a negative light, not at all, it’s part of who you are, and it’s fun! it makes you exciting!

you’re...actually really glad he thinks that way.

if somebody pushed you out of your wheelchair, he would be angry, and almost offended, but all on your behalf.

he’d start threatening them with violence, misfortune, even death.

it’d be then that the man realized that there were a lot more people here now than there were when he entered, all with some form of purple on their clothes, all eyes locked on him.

ouma’s glare locked on him.

he would get the hell out of there fast.

hooray! problem solved!

Shuuichi Saihara

he’d be a little unsure of things at first, but not because he doesn’t love you! because he’s not sure if he can provide for you.

he doesn’t really know what you need.

he asks a lot of questions, and make sure to be extremely considerate then he asked, not wanting to say anything that would offend you.

also asking what would offend you.

he’s a little too careful for your liking, but you know his intentions are good, and he just wants best for you.

he’ll constantly push your wheelchair, but when you insist you can do it yourself, he backs off immediately.

eventually, you tell him that he really doesn’t need to be this careful around you! it’s getting ridiculous! he’s allowed to just act normal and casual, your wheelchair isn’t your only defining feature!

he apologizes profusely, and goes from doting to supporting.

he pushes your chair when you ask him to.

he helps you up stairs when you need him to.

he does what you ask, but from now on, he doesn’t treat you like his S/O in a wheelchair, he just treats you like his S/O.

and things are a lot better that way!

and then...there’s an incident.

when you’re pushed out of your wheelchair, he immediately runs to rescue you, helping you back into your chair and asking you several times if you’re okay, insanely worried for your health.

then he turns to the man who pushed you.

he wants to defend you, really, he does, but’s he’s scared and he’s fragile, and he knows he won’t win a fight with this man.

you tell him not to fight.

he doesn’t want to fight.

he fights anyway.

you can’t bear to watch, you’re screaming at him to stop, but nothing is stopping, nobody is quitting, and you just look away.

you can hear it when he loses.

you can hear it when the man walks away.

and then, you hear laughter.

quiet, pained laughter, wrong laughter.

you wheel over to him and ask him why he’s laughing, why he’s just laying there, why this is so funny to him, and he just laughs harder.

finally, he looks at you, still chuckling, anguished tears pouring down his face, and tells you.

he can’t feel his legs.

Kaito Momota

kind of a mix between korekiyo and ouma...

he feels pretty bummed that you have to be in a wheelchair, but he makes the best of it and likes to make things fun for both of you!

definitely wants to know if you can do a wheelie.

does not know how to bring it up.

finally just asks!

he is absolutely ELATED when you totally CAN do a wheelie.

he wants to know ALL the tricks you can do, and he’s adorable and so excited, so you’re happy to share.

he runs errands for you so that you don’t have to go to too many hard-to-access places, and he’s happy to drive you around whenever you need it!

he just wants to make you happy and have a good time!

but he also wants you to be okay.

so he asks what he can do to help, if you’re okay, if you need anything, that sort of stuff.

would never, ever make a joke about your disability, but would still laugh if you joke about it.

he just wouldn’t be too sure about doing it himself.

he would be pissed as hell if somebody else made a joke at your expense.

you always knew he had some underlying anger issues, but when that man pushed you out of your wheelchair, he really flipped.

he didn’t even help you back into your chair before he was just wailing on this guy, practically bloodying him with how hard he was beating on him.

you couldn’t look away, but he wishes you would have. he doesn’t want you seeing him like a violent person, because really, he isn’t, but he had to defend you, he couldn’t just let you be demeaned like that!

he helps you back into your chair, and apologizes for not helping sooner.

he checks you over to make sure you’re okay, even though you promise you are!

he just wants to be cautious, that’s all. he wants you to be safe.

he’s pissed off for the rest of the day, but more worried about you than anything.

Kiibo

he’s actually a really big help!

he took you and your chair to his professor to have your chair...modified.

but now it’s electric, and you didn’t have to pay a dime!

it’s very convenient!

and because of his strength, wheelchair inaccessible locations are child’s play.

he can lift you and the chair easily! he simply carries you up the stairs and puts you back down when you get to the top!

anything to make life easier for you.

he tells you that if you ever need anything, you can just ask, and he’ll provide!

he wants your life to be fair.

he wants you to have just as much opportunity as everybody else!

he understands better than any of the boys what it’s like to be looked at differently for something you can’t change.

he sympathizes deeply with you.

if somebody ever looked at you condescendingly on the street, or made an off remark about you and he registered as offensive, he would be very quick to defend you!

he knows he can never really understand what it’s like to be in the position you’re in, but he can a little.

he tells you that sometimes, if his body is trying to preserve power or he has a bug/virus, a limb or two will stop being functional.

it’s very stressful, and very inconvenient, and makes life much harder.

so while he could never understand how it is to never be able to move his legs, he can have a taste of what it would be like to be paralyzed.

he wants so much more for you.

you promise him you’re happy, and he tells you he’s glad, but he’d still like more for you regardless.

but as long as you’re smiling, he’s fine.

whatever keeps you smiling!

if somebody were to push you out of your wheelchair, he’d be completely taken aback.

he wouldn’t know how to react for a second, but when he realized what was happened, he’d be mad!

he’d help you up and sternly tell this man to leave before kiibo is forced to hurt him.

this, of course, leads to a fight.

however...

kiibo can’t do much, not with the laws of robotics in place.

so though he doesn’t hit back even once, he blocks every hit, and the man eventually leaves.

but you’re safe, that’s what matters!

Gonta Gokuhara

he’s...a little upset when he realizes that you can’t really explore the same terrains as he can.

as a man of nature, it’s disheartening! he wants to take you up mountains, across forests, he wants to explore with you by his side!

but your wheelchair can’t cross the terrains he explores.

so he’s disappointed.

but then!! idea!!!

gonta can just carry you! gonta is very strong, he would never drop you, he promises! he’s a gentleman!

so, eventually, you agree, and after that, your world is so open.

gonta can take you anywhere and everywhere!

you see incredible things when you’re with him, you can truly explore, and it feels like nothing can stop you!

he wants you to be happy, he wants you to do all the things you never thought you could do.

his goal is to make sure all your dreams are fulfilled, disability or not.

you’re amazed by what you can do! all thanks to gonta!

he loves you so much, but unrelated, he thinks your wheelchair is an obstacle.

not that it reflects on you in any way! gonta thinks you’re perfect!

it’s just the chair that bothers him.

so he does what he can to make the world accessible for you.

this mostly involves carrying you. anywhere.

and when he’s not carrying you, he’s gladly pushing your chair! anything he can do to help!

you’re very appreciative of how much he cares!

that’s just what a gentleman does, he assures you!

if you were to be pushed out of your wheelchair, he would catch you.

you would NOT hit the ground. he wouldn’t allow it.

you have no idea how somebody so big could have those kind of lightning reflexes, but next thing you know, you’re back in your chair.

gonta tells you to close your eyes, and when you open them again, the man is gone and gonta is wheeling you home.

pay it no mind!

he handled things!

Ryouma Hoshi

he doesn’t really care.

it’s just a part of who you are, so whatever.

he can’t push your wheelchair too well with his size...

he also can’t carry you, and he’s pissed that he’s so useless.

you promise him that you’re fine, and that you appreciate the thought.

still, he wishes he could do more for you.

but what he can do, he does do.

he makes every effort to make your life easier.

sometimes, if he’s tired - and he HATES when you do this - you’ll put him in your lap.

most of the time, he’s out like a light.

you think it’s absolutely adorable and absolutely hilarious.

when you wheel around with him asleep in your lap, people always think he’s your son.

always.

but you don’t tell him that part.

he just wants to care for you, and provide for you!

if you were to be pushed out of your wheelchair, he’d be enraged.

what kind of real man takes advantage of somebody like that?

he’d let the man get away.

he’d help you back into your chair, and he’d take you home, and then he’d go.

it’d be very safe to say he hurt that man badly when he tracked him down.

it’d be a little more safe to say he may have even killed him.

he didn’t stop to check before he went home.

scum like that doesn’t deserve to live.

[patapatapata1]

Dice Days

Cats laying in the sun on the doormat bout to sic em boy, get them birds. Lap up that Midwestern sun. Get it, boy, cause you’re the one. You’ve gotten so big, you’re filled with such love. All it takes is me on the couch, the home boy that I’ve become, and you’re right there on my lap so soft and thin. Your hair sticks up like spikes and your eyes so sleepy tired, and somehow you love me like you never did before.

I love you like I never did before. With a fire, but my head said hit the door. Followed by the self doubt that latches on the train of the skirt of my soul. I love everyone that has come into my life, everyone so much. I miss everyone so much. But like I always have done before, I push out and squeeze out everything good that has ever come in. Now I sit here in the house I was raised in, drinking coffee on the couch in the morning, go to work in the day, then come home to search for sex, some quick fix to being alone. If I can’t find it that night, I go to sleep in a smokey haze. Get high and go to bed.

What are these days? The judgement days. These dusty days. These lonely days. These sic em days. These dice days. Where I try my luck at romance, get beat up and leave. I roll my hand at friendship, but I can’t commit to company. Fingers crossed for success, but that means no more you and them. No more company to keep, ‘cept me.

I quit smoking and I quit drinking. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m so tired of being lonely and alone. I made myself this way and I don’t blame anybody anymore. I realize now why I used to do things to protect myself. Why am I so protective of myself? What happened that made me so guarded and so hard to the world and everybody in it? I really cannot think of anything at all. I want to have friends again and feel what it feels like the drive in a car to a destination, get out of that car and then go back in that car when we are ready to leave. I want to feel how it feels to be understood. I want to feel how it feels to be surrounded by a lot of people again and be filled with such happiness that there is no room for your bad thoughts to creep in. I want to roll the dice again, again, and be happy where I end up.

Do not judge what comes out of your mouth, you’re killing your soul. Stop judging everything you do and think about. I wrote these sentences last night in my phone when I was high in bed. My head uncovered some hidden secrets about itself and its behaviors. I wish I had a log of every single thing I thought about last night, but what stuck out the most in my state of being was to STOP BEING JUDGEMENTAL. I have forgotten about the person I am because of it.

Yesterday at the gym, a man I see frequently caught my eye like he usually does, and instead of nodding his head, he showed me this gigantic goofy smile and it made me smile so big and even laugh out loud a little. This was in passing and so the moment was over just like that. There is something about being in a space, a public space where anything could happen. For that reason, that anything could happen, people tend to be very guarded and protective. When that fourth wall is broken, however, its where I find the most growth. Because it is a direct reflection of humanity. You don’t have to invent it in your head, run character lines through your brain that you have fabricated, spin a web of story line and glaze that web with made up occurrences. Where do you go from here. That smile from that man made me cry in the car. It made me happier than anything has made me in a very long time. Even music, even singing.

But like I said, where do we go from here? There is a longing in me to be whole and be real. There is a longing to not be alone. I have been for too long now.

I’ve lost my other half man. The piece of me is gone away. The jewel that locked my dreams so tight, passed me on the bay And kept on walking, yes he did, to find his own new sunny day. But I’m still standing on my own Learning how to pray

So I try hard to get it back To find that jewel inside Some stranger with a funny face, let him pull at my tastes But he has another color, its got no business with mine You know, baby I quit drinking wine Even beer, I quit that too

I miss you so much, kid You were the one for me kid I wasn’t ready for love, kid I still ain’t, won’t ever be, kid I know that you need it, kid You found it and hooray, kid Man its got to be so nice I’m sure it is so nice, kid Nobody has got it like you did Nobody can laugh with me Nobody has made me laugh I have to fake it mostly To try and summon that same moment That I used to have with you That special kind of good time Well I haven’t in a long time Had one and I need one Cause that’s what life is about I wish I could have told you What I was all about What my mind was thinking But I was stubborn, full of foolish pride Pride because I knew that you were something And deep down I felt nothing I knew you were something And deep down I felt nothing

I was struck with jealousy So I projected on you endlessly I terrorized your confidence Cause mine was so nonexistent I knew you were special So special in this world Instead of holding you so high I dropped you from a building I knew you would have held me high And made me see my light If I had done the same to you Goodbye old lover, you were so true. I miss you like I miss royal blue These dice days make me think of you

These dice days make me think of you