#Fukette

[ladybluewitch]

Uuuggffhhhh I really wanna rant about my problems but the conflict of I never actually ever do that so it'd seem really bad is so strong that I'm just uuuuhggghhhhhhf

[fukette]

That Time I Drank Vanilla Soy Chai Tea Lattes With Jay-Z

The sun was shining bright, and the air was warm. Meteorologists had predicted that the high was going to be close to 83 degrees that day, but somehow we escaped that harsh sentence and settled somewhere near the more tolerable temperature of 78. Somewhere in the distance, the excited yelps of a dog could be heard as if it were calling out to anyone within earshot to take notice of the world around them. Whether or not the people that shuffled through the busy city streets could understand the dog or wasn't apparent, but the slight breeze that ruffled the fabric of their clothing was enough to divert their attention from being mesmerized by their phones, if only for a little bit. However, all of these wonderful bits of daily minutia was lost upon me because I was currently drinking Vanilla Soy Chai Tea Lattes with Jay-Z.

Hova Hovito and I remained engaged in a conversation that, at times, had me as animated as it had him subdued, and vice versa. The God MC sipped his caffeinated confection as he launched into recounting the motivations and pathology he had during his more formative years selling drugs in the hardscrabble Marcy Projects of New York City. A thin line of nutmeg sprinkled foam adorned Jiggaman's upper lip as he described the harrowing details in which he himself witnessed the demise of close friends and loved ones. An almost too delicate sneeze escaped Lucky Lefty (of the Commission)'s mouth from the chai seasoning tickling his nose right as he was characterizing the young man that he once was and how that young man came to pursue the art of making music. I listened, fully enthralled in S Dot's heart-rending narrative save for the few moments my eyes wandered over to the pastry case on the banister near the baristas. It had cherry preserve and cream cheese danishes behind the glass display, and I am nothing if not gluttonous.

I'm not finished, man, but I was a famished man, so I ordered a biscuit with a side of grape jam as he waxed romantic about the first time he met Beyonce. "Beyonce?" I did say. "Your future fiancee?" He nodded sagely. "The one you wed in matrimony and mother to Blue Ivy?" I said concisely. "My respite from the tempest that manifests in my day to day." He said shrewdly. The fact that our manner of speaking was burgeoning on Seuss-sian levels was not lost on me, but I did not care. The entire exchange between Hova Hovito and myself was every second of every dream that I've ever had, and I was going to savor every goddamn second of it despite whatever tinge of comic absurdity this interaction may have.

Surfbordt.

After a few minutes of comparing our preferred thread count of bed sheets (Mine in the lower 750s. His in the mid 800s), we got up from our small bistro table and made our way to the bustling sidewalk outside. We quickly said our goodbyes and, after him explicitly requesting that I not mention our time together to Kanye West because, as he put it, "I just can't right now.", we went our separate ways. Whatever rays of sunlight that could elude the obstruction of billboards and city buildings shone brightly upon my face as I walked towards my car. A light breeze slightly disheveled my shirt. The yelps of an excited dog became fainter and fainter in the background as I continued to move away from its source. Yet, all I could think about was how much I enjoyed drinking Vanilla Soy Chai Tea Lattes with Jay-Z.

[fukette]

But do they have the number...for their emotions?⠀#fukette #hilaryclinton #zackmorris #zackattack #truth #realtalk #facts

[fukette]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure she has wifi...#fukette #funnyaf #coffeethoughts #altright #sunkenplace

[fukette]

They Didn't Teach Us Shit: A Lesson Plan That's Actually Useful In Adult Life

Why hasn't some altruistic hipster-tech millennial, whose name will be Chadwell because such is the world we live in, invented what is guaranteed to be the next billion peso app which will simply be a discrete online learning module about the things that still occur long after you've reached full adulthood? And before you ask, no, I'm not referring as to why you're internet browser is still bombarded with advertisements for pay for porn websites.

In 2017.

It's not a question of why would you do that in a market completely saturated, nay facialized, with an abundance of free content, but more a question of why buy the cow when the milk is slammed into your face by every possible medium of entertainment for free. Tell you what, I'll pay for porn the day I can successfully send a dick pic via a 19th-century rotary phone.

Though, aside from anachronistic marketing strategies, an intuitive educational tool that can be used and understood by the higher-educated and lower-expectation alike that goes into precise detail about how one should correctly wipe their ass to avoid painful rashes and relationship ending skid marks on the underwear would be nigh invaluable. A program that dispenses scheduled doses of daily advice and lesson plans about how not paying your taxes at 25 can come back to fuck you like Scott Disick crashing a sorority party at 32 when you want to start your own business. Maybe a listicle that acutely diagnoses the exact number of drinks on a first date transforms you from a potential partner in Ikea furniture breaking sexual congress to the rudest impersonation of their stepdad after he had his evening PBR.

So, to that end...

A Proposed Curriculum:

Papa Johns and Diabetes: An Inevitable Conclusion To A Preventable Tragedy.

Priorities: What Should Be The Obvious Choice Between The Modern Dilemma Between Paying For Health Insurance and The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild.

Dating White Women And Debunking Unsubstantiated Myths: No, It Does NOT Automatically Increase Your Credit Score.

Your Vintage Lava Lamp And Why She Hasn't Called You Back.

Anger Management In Regards To Your Boss And The Inconveniences That Come With Being Convicted Of First Degree Murder.

Lessons On Not Being An Unsociable Cock Vol 42: Cultivating A Personality Not Built Solely On Outdated Family Guy References.

Getting Shot Is Awful Vol.23: Not Accepting A Dinner Inv

How The Male Compulsion To Publicly State Their 'Woke Feminism' Ideology Is, Quite Literally, Indicative Of Everything Wrong With Their 'Woke Feminism' Ideology.

Accepting Personal Responsibility: White America and President Trump

How To Show Up For Those That Show Out For You: Women's Right March Vs. Black Lives Matter

How To Avoid Making Eye Contact With The Man Masturbating On The Train: A Beginner's Guide.

[fukette]

Bundle of Joy or Excuses To Further Avoid Kim and Kanye?

As the prophecies of the Children of Destiny have foretold, the Lord has seen fit to grant upon us not only one BeyBey, but two BeyBeys. Upon seeing the announcement in an Instagram post that had all the trappings of sexual role-play centered around the Legend of Zelda, the world rejoiced because there was now a ray of light in these dark times. This is now the 2nd year in a row that Beyonce has taken it upon herself to uplift black history month and, unfortunately for Michelle and...the other one, further cement the harsh reality that she will never be available for a Destiny's Child reunion.

Never.

For Never Never?

For Never Never.

Is this Destiny's Child or a failed UPN sitcom? I'm seriously asking.

However, there is a rarely mentioned bright side to this pregnancy other than The Carters providing Black America with its very own Song of Ice and Fire. (Jay-Z, as per every one of his songs before 2011, provided the Ice and Beyonce, as per damn near every video she's ever been in, is probably a serial arsonist.) That benefit being that, for The Carters, they now have another, albeit entirely credible reason, to further limit exposure to the Faustian ass empire that is the Kardashians. Specifically, Kanye "Everything I've Said would Be normal If I Were A Bond Villain" West and Kim "Better People Have Died Trying To Figure Out What I Do For A Living" Kardashian-West. There's only so many time Beyonce can politely turn down mimosas and bleached butthole Saturdays before she has to take some drastic measures.here are some other excuses The Carters have used in their efforts not to have a film crew so far up their asses they stain the camera lens whenever they fart.

She makes sure to insert the word "crazy" into as money songs as she can and makes videos that feature fires enough times for it to have its own SAG card. Why aren't police questioning this woman!?!

"What had happened was, Blue was playing around with my laptop and, yadda yadda yadda, now I'm enrolled at the University of Pheonix, and these Pythagorean's aren't gonna theory themselves sooooo......"

"Sorry, Kim. Afraid I can't go with you and the fam to search trap houses and Magic City to find Lamar, again. Me and Oprah just bought a Sbarro franchise, and we gotta make sure they get the ricotta cheese to sauce ratio right."

" Ooooh, sorry to have to cancel, but Gwyneth recently power steamed her vagina, and now I have to drive her to her physician's so he can install a backup vagina. I know, I know, I told her the steamer setting was way too high."

"I would love to come to Kanye's Taiwanese Sweatshop Seminar/ Yeezus Is Jeezus listening party but, unfortunately, it looks like there's an Electrobuzz in a 10-mile radius around me and you know I've been trying to get me one of those for months girl. Gotta get my Raichu leveled-up, tho."

"Promised Rihanna I'd talk to Drake about all the Google+ messages he keeps sending her. It might take a while."

"Shit, I'd love to sit on the hood of your limo eat paninis while parked outside of a homeless shelter with you and Kylie, but I told Michelle and Barack I was gonna spend tonight with them prank calling Melania. Uh huh. Yeah. Nothing serious., we just call her a "broke ass White Walker" or " Ground-Zero Barbie" then hang up. Okay. Raincheck."

"Shit, girl, I can't tonight. Jay-Z fucked some other bitch so no I gotta record an audio and visual album that chronicles my introspective journey. Then there's gonna be a whole press release thing, touring, intimidating White America at the Superbowl and, damn, I may be tied up for a long time."

[fukette]

Lifehacks On Living The Best Life (And Being Dumb As All Fuck)

Today, I was on the verge of tears when I realized that I had eaten the last of the Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Crackers a few days ago. I was close to tears a few minutes later, but now out of relief, when I saw that my cat, Catty Mayonnaise, had stolen a pack and hidden it behind her litter box. Before you ask, I have no regrets about consuming the crackers because one, it was packaged and safe from all the kitty poop, and secondly, it was fucking Honey Maid. I'm not about to toss that shit aside because it spent an indeterminable amount of time next to what was, essentially, someone's toilet. This anecdote illustrates that what I lack in personal standards, I more than make up for in self-awareness. And right now my spidey sense is telling me that I might be dumb as all fuck.

That's no hyperbole. I literally mean all of the fucks in existence.

It doesn't mean I can't enjoy life, though. Quite the contrary, my mental deficiency means I can walk through each day unencumbered with existential neurosis or the troubles of the world around me. My concerns are exclusively limited to food, fucking, and getting caught up on past episodes of Criminal Minds. Anything outside of that tends to get relegated to the "Fuck All" file cabinet gathering dust in my head and stay there. Being the benevolent man I am thugh, I figure why should I be the only one to enjoy an existence of simple pleasures like "My fork is cold. Should I warm it up in this electrical outlet?" or "Condoms? No thank you; I'd rather live in a townhouse." So here's my extensively researched guide on how to live the best life with an IQ that can be measured with Legos:

People that tell you to wipe your ass after every bowel movement are all liars. Work smarter not harder. All you need is a generous spritzing of Axe Body Spray and a nonchalant demeanor that says "No, my asshole does not feel like the surface of a thousand burning suns."

Police cannot legally arrest you if you loudly sing Bad and Boujee while they read you your Miranda Rights. (To be honest, if they fail with the Miranda Rights, I'm not sure what to do if they decide to pivot to either the Carrie, Samantha, or Charlotte Rights.)

Nigerian Royalty Requesting Your Personal Financial Information + You Refusing Said Request = Racism

If your going to make mobile versions of porn sites then maybe you shouldn't act so self-righteous when you see someone masturbating on public transportation.

Property Brothers. I fucks with this show.

Instead of wasting money on flavored/obnoxiously scented condoms, save yourself some time and just purchase a 3 Musketeers bar (preferably mint flavor, but that's just my opinion.) and repurpose the wrapper. It's a level of recycling most people never think of so, yeah, you're welcome.

Sitting motionless in a windowless van while parked outside of an elementary school is only frowned upon if the van appears unfriendly to the children. Try placing kid-friendly decals on the vehicle like "free candy," "delicious ice-cream," or "snitches get stitches."

That cute girl you were chatting with while waiting in line at the coffee shop just gave you her number so, obviously, now's a great time for an unsolicited dick pic.

I don't care if she loves you unconditionally and provides you with invaluable companionship. If she doesn't get down with Lil Uzi Vert, then tell that trick to kick rocks.

Sure you COULD go to a doctor to see about that growth on your genitals OR, and listen to me here, you could just pretend it's not there and keep it moving. I mean, it's the same strategy I use when someone farts around me and, what do you know, soon enough the smell disappears completely. Foolproof.

Stay away from ingesting too much water. Fish shit in it.

Guns don't kill people. People who want to kill people with frightening efficiency kill people...with the use of guns.

Watching porn is a great way to learn what is typically expected during sex. Rubbing the vagina like a coked out DJ, liberal use of spit, seemingly uncomfortable instances of reverse cowgirl, and, of course, matching the 15 minutes of fellatio she gave you with 30 seconds of half-hearted oral reciprocation is all that normal people do. Anything else will just result in your partner silently judging your abilities and, by extension, your worth as a person.

Don't be a follower. Break away from the pack and do something remarkably original at least once in your lifetime. Get a Boost Mobile phone.

Is flame retarded offensive to both the mentally handicapped and ay people? If so, then I think a sternly worded the Hanes underwear department is in order.

[fukette]

Mediocre Negro Is Everything We Didn't Know We Needed.

Personally, I can't say that I recall a time in which just hearing someone speak was enough to give me pause in whatever it was that I was doing and immediately focus all of my attention. Wait, hold on, I actually can remember at least one occasion, but that held greater significance. That particular instance was when I watched President Obama step onto the proscenium to accept the Democratic Nomination for President of The United States. I watched, riveted, as my eyes were brimming with unshed tears and I remember thinking to myself about the unparalleled historical significance of such a moment as well as the superhuman levels of ass Michelle was surely going to put on him later on that evening. No, this moment isn't as broad reaching as Obama's nomination. However, it still leaves a deep impression on me. That moment being when Marc Lamont Hill accurately described all the black celebrities used as props for photo ops with Trump as "mediocre negroes."

The cavalcade of regrettable coons that have been touted out like old theater props and photographed close to Trump has all but begged for the categorization of "mediocre negroes." Hill makes it a point to mention that most of the black celebrities who, if they were strippers at Magic City, wouldn't make the B-Squad of that night's lineup even if every other stripper was stricken with a sudden case of shingles and restless leg syndrome.

The best that Trump's team has been able to accrue are noted public figures whose relationship with Black America is almost entirely a pre-conceived notion of White America if not severely strained. There's Kanye West, a man so deep within the Kardashian-void that his entire consciousness and belief system has been converted into "Whatever Kris Jenner Believes Will Generate The Most Headlines." Or maybe it's best to turn the lens towards everyone's favorite shucking and jiving uncle that somehow managed to fetishize Crest 3D Teeth Whitening Strips, Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey is so craven for the acceptance of White America that he has done everything in his house-nigga repertoire to demean and undervalue his core audience by selling problematic tenets of Respectability Politics under the guise of sage advice. Lastly, we could take a gander at Don King standing behind Trump wearing what can only be described as a Canadian Tuxedo bedazzled to the point that even those afflicted with blindness would be forced to turn away, lest they further damage their eyes. Grinning as if he'd finally found the secret to achieving legendary Coon status which is, ironically, even more Cooning.

Mediocre Negro is anything and everything that would accurately describe the parade of "Meh" that is currently wading in and out of the Trump Tower. I thank Mr. Hill for giving a name to what I suspect is an early movement of self-hating black people that now have martyrs that have burned themselves at the altar of Black Twitter all for the facade of White acceptance. I'm certain they've gotten tired of only having Stacey Dash as a spokesperson and therefore appreciate the new bevy of options available.

[fukette]

Things Rob Schneider Can Do Instead Of Whitesplaining Black History.

Volunteer at your local library. Your service can be anything from administrative tasks to making sure each piece of reading material is in accordance with the Dewey Decimal System. Not only will this be a boon to your community, but also provide you with the chance to research the instances in which White People unnecessarily inserted themselves into matters concerning people of color and the unfortunate consequences that followed.

Join a local gym that focuses on teaching kickboxing to novices. Not only would you get an opportunity to learn about a practice that puts an emphasis on self-discipline and forethought, but there's a high possibility of you getting front kicked in the teeth thereby making this entire article moot.

Throat-fuck a Dyson V6 Motorhead Cordless Vacuum Cleaner.

Sign up for the free online classes offered by MIT that aim to teach people how to code. Not only is it a valuable tool as we become more dependent on technology in regards to functioning in modern society, but it will also give you inside knowledge on how ill-thought fuckery is immortalized on social platforms like Twitter and anywhere else someone decides to show their ass on a public forum.

Join witness protection under the stipulation that they change your address, name, facial features, and even orchestrate an entirely new backstory complete with a cover family as it will add an extra layer of realism. Of course, all of this will be in the efforts of making sure Adam Sandler does not have any means of contacting you so you could be in another one of the cinematic Hiroshimas he calls a movie.

Learn how to reupholster vintage furniture. You can add an extra a fashionable aesthetic to an otherwise drab space while cultivating the visual metaphor of your apparent desperation about transforming a piece from being a discarded bit player in an ensemble of unquestionable garbage to something slightly adjacent to relevance.

Having all the seats from now on until the end of eternity.

Candle Making. Suprisingly, it's actually very enjoyable.

Start a home-brewing kit in your garage. After studious commitment and some degree of trial and error, you could eventually market and subsequently profit from your beer making endeavors. At that point, people will begin to associate you and your brand with refreshingly tasty beers instead of movies with all the hilarity of a pediatric cancer ward or tweets emblematic of an intellect irreparably damaged from years of proximity to scripts written by Adam Sandler.

Contact your primary care physician in regards to making appointments for routine check-ups. Men of a certain age have to be vigilant since they are at risk of certain neurological, cardiatric, and, especially, colo-rectal illnesses. In your case, colo-rectal illnesses should be a chief concern considering most of your publicly stated opinions originate from within the depths of your cavernous asshole.

[fukette]

Brad in poli-sci never did let me borrow his pen....@fukette

[fukette]

5 DIY Tasks To Brighten Your Home (And Distract You From Increasingly Worrisome Symptoms)

The average person's life is often dictated by a daily routine that is as rote as it is predictable. Perhaps due to an itinerary that is regularly bursting at the seams with unfulfilling obligations and razor thin deadlines. With the burden of responsibility firmly set on your shoulders, when do you find time to indulge the occasional hobby? Or, say, craft furniture that speaks to the gradients of your character in a manner that no retail store can claim.

Who says you can't invoke the expert eye of an interior decorator in the style of Tv's Tim Gunn in order to utilize whatever negative space or lack of character may be present in your home? Just make it work, honey! Such projects might not be too much of a pressing concern for most, but tasks like these are meant to enliven the space in which you call your home.

How fulfilling would it be to repurpose unwanted furniture into something sleek and coveted?

To add elements of charm and personality to what may otherwise be a staid and drab decor motif?

How about diverting your mental energies away from the increasingly alarming implications from the unexplained (and severe) maladies you've been experiencing recently?

Whatever the (potentially life-threatening) reason is for your sudden interest in completing projects that will outlast the frail confines of your mortality may be, we here at Fukette would like to offer some suggestions on projects you could do at home by yourself.

(Obviously, while you're simultaneously engaging in the futile practice of ignoring all the probable signs of your body slowly turning against you in a manner more befitting the dread-inducing visions of your worst nightmares.)

1. Bird Feeder Wreath

Just festive enough for the holidays and fear-inducing enough to remind you that a timely  colonoscopy appointment could've prevented this

You don't remember ingesting anything particularly spicy or in any way volatile. Then again, you do recall a bit of intestinal discomfort from the night before, but you had just chalked it up to the stress you've been experiencing at work as a result of working long hours to earn that Managing Partner promotion.

The timming alone could be called tragic in it's own right! I mean, you're only one or two fiscal quarters, at the most, from getting the position and now you have to deal with this?!? Your unceasing ambition and inability to separate your work from your personal life have already claimed your relationship with your ex-fiancee, Jennifer, this past January. What was the point of having gone through such emotional havoc and psyche ravaging despair if not to have it all pay off in the end?

Just don't worry about it. It's nothing so you should STOP. WORRYING. ABOUT. IT.

Put it out of your head, and focus on the task at hand: Feeding these Bluebirds that're so cute, adorable, and more than likely not brimming with what you fear are precancerous cells. Perhaps use the bloody tissue as a fake carnation or decorative bow?

Think more "decorative flair with a personal touch" and less "collapsed anus as a result of indeterminable internal illness."

2. Secure Your Cabinets with Fasteners

If this world were perfect, we would all have cabinets that didn't require some harried, dilapidated fix to keep it from rebounding open after every initial attempt to close it. After all, there's a limit to the efficacy of the tried and true combination of scotch tape, and the ardent denial that you are at a perilous crossroads between your health and acknowledging that immediate, professional help may be the determining factor in you having any future not spent six feet below ground.

Lifehack For the Lifeless: Just because your body is no longer able to function, process cognitive stimuli, verbalize thoughts, etc. doesn't mean that you can't place some fun decals on the inside as an expression of your personality. Will your family and friends be crying at the funeral or laughing at your brand of humor...nope, they'll probably just be crying.

That's why we're here to recommend the efficient and cheap option in cabinet catchers. You can find them with ease at your local Home Depot or Lowe's. They're relatively straightforward to install, and the instructions are easy enough to understand.

Or, at least, the would be if you didn't constantly have to deal with all the sudden bouts of confusion that defy explanation. You experienced one yesterday as you were paying for your groceries in the checkout line at Kroger, remember? A sudden wave of nausea followed by blurry vision immediately took hold of your senses and, as you struggled to assess the situation and regain your equilibrium, you awoke to find yourself bent over the cash register while in the middle of a dry heave as a thin trickle of blood was running from your nose. So shaken were you by the experience that you brusquely waved away the Kroger employees attempting to help you as you stumbled as quickly as possible towards your car. Your brow remained drenched in a cold sweat while you spent the next hour repeating "I'm fine, I'm fine" as some ersatz mantra in some futile effort to regulate your body. As your vehicle sat stationary in the parking lot, the memories of past failures and prematurely ended relationships competed for attention in your mind's eye. The regret you felt because of them overwhelmed you as you wept silently, alone, in your 2011 Toyota.

Maybe use the unpredictable bouts of dizziness and the ensuing episodes of unconsciousness to think about what cabinets around your house could benefit the most from the door catchers?

3. Refinish An Old Park Bench

See what you can create after applying a bit of elbow grease and cheap refinishing supplies? Nice touch with the decorative pillows, as well. Especially considering how inexplicably tired you've been getting as of late.

We've all borne witness to this sight often enough that it almost becomes cliche: You're driving down the street, trying to ignore the persistent hand tremors that threaten to steer you and your vehicle into someone's front yard and maybe even a wall of their house, and you see an old, discarded bench just sitting on the curb. Items like these can be used to--hey..um....

yells to get the attention of the crew

Hey! That guy doesn't look too good. Can someone go over and check on him, please?

inaudible response from off mic

Yeah, no we can go on in a minute. It's just, like, his head is lying face down on the steering wheel, and I'm not seeing any rise or fall from his chest--shit-- yo, I don't think he's breathing!

It's okay! We'll just call it "How To Stay Mobile: Don't Let Slipping Into A Coma Steal Your Independence!"

Goes over to the car and leans towards the unconscious man

NO!

NO! FUCK! Hey, man he's not breathing at all! We've got to fucking do something!

inaudible response from off mic

What the fuck do you mean "finish the script" !?! There is no fucking script without this dude, and, from the looks of it, we're gonna have to Weekend At Bernie's the rest of the damn thing if we don't get him to a fucking hospital immediately so stop dicking around!

inaudible response from off mic

Fuck You! I don't care if it goes against the premise. A man is dying in a 2011 Toyota Corolla, and I cannot think of a more depressing sentence in the English language. You can finish this Pinterest pandering horseshit yourself if you want to!

pulls out a cell phone and frantically dials 911

I'm gonna make sure a man doesn't die in a sedan.

inaudible response from off mic

And you mention a contract? Now? Honestly, bro?

Alright, fine, but don't expect some Geico-level shit. I'm talking drunk baby lawyer commercial quality at best. Now hurry the fuck up before we all catch a body today!

4. Suitcase Dog Bed

Cute,right? Forget about the (probably) dead body we just showed you up there, yet? No? That's cool we've got more puppy pictures.

Put a fucking dog in a suitcase, I don't give two shits-yes, hi, I need an ambulance right away!

places cellphone to ear

Yes, a man is passed out on the steering wheel and has what looks to be Quaker Oats coming out from the side of his mouth....

Uh huh.

...that's not Quaker Oats?

Oh, good God.

This message was brought to you by the good people at Quaker Oats: Looks the same coming out as it did going in!

5. Clothes Hanger Jewellery Storage

Protip: Take the clothes hanger and insert it, hook first, into the widest part of your asshole-

turns back towards cellphone

Yes, we're on the corner of North and Piedmont. I'm not sure....I nudged him with a nearby tree branch, and he still hasn't moved.

No.

Yes.

Yes, I was aware of his failing health before the call.

No. No. No, no I didn't call because...reasons that I now realize will not hold up in a court of law.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes, I have every inclination to hang up the phone and leave the scene of the, in your words,crime.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, your use of the word "crime" did factor into my decision to flee.

Police: Whoops! If you didn't wanna get shot then why'd you look suspicious?©

Uh huh.

nods thoughtfully

Uh huh

Thank you, I'm going to start running now.

drops phone and turns towards Fukette crew

It's the 12! 12 is on the block? Donny! Get the tupperware and take whatever you can from craft services! Alex! If the van isn't started and ready to go in 10 seconds then so help me god I will personally shit in both of your daughters' lunchboxes! Move people MOVE! I repeat! This is not a drill! Niggas roll out!

Fukette crew scatters away from the unconscious man as the sound of an ambulance and police sirens get closer