#HHHHHHHH HELO??? we were doing sO well

[mazojo]

I’ve never felt more underwhelmed than while watching the last episode of Aggretsuko season 5

[icedmetaltea]

HelO am back. So yesterday we waited 2 HOURS IN WAITING ROOM and then I got shuffled into the containment™ room, spent about 5 hrs there sitting on a bed and talking with like 5-6 ppl. Despite it being a scary environment (it was a bland room with grey walls ((the grey walls were the best part, they were the perfect shade of grey and I loved it)), there were beds with a pillow and nothing else, there were other ppl walking around, one guy screaming and hurling profanities at staff occasionally, overall rlly loud cause ppl kept walking in and out) the staff/counselor were super nice. Nobody made me feel like I was being dramatic or anything.

They got me hooked up with new meds that same day and should contact me about a counselor within the next few days (which I've been stressing abt nonstop but apparently they accept medicaid so I won't have to worry abt surprise fees), gave me food to bring home, gave me a sheet with 100 coping mechanisms as well.

Ultimately they said I should be fine to go home that same day since the type of self-harming I was doing wasn't with the intention of killing myself but dealing with guilt and rlly fucky emotions due to the friend breakup/hopelessness abt future/mega anxiety, plus I'd always care for the wounds afterwards so that signaled it was more a subconscious cry for help that I'd been ignoring for too long, BUT that I should maybe spend the next night or two with family and possibly long-term if the stuff with my sibling worsens or if my mental state in general declines again, so I spent the night with my older sis who drove me there (we cuddled and watch the Mitchells vs. The Machines lol... it's been so, so long since I've been able to do that with anyone. Didn't realize how touch-starved I was)

Everybody was really reassuring that I'd done the right thing and that I wasn't at all overreacting and hhhhHHHH I guess I rlly needed to hear that. After the whole friend breakup thing I've been feeling like the cruelest, most manipulative, horrible person in the world after having that sentiment floating around in the back of my mind for months due to many things and it turns out it's a mix of shock from such big changes in my life (breakup with close friend, possibly moving, possibly transferring college, hell even climate change and constant political strife) and clinical depression™ (like I knew I had anxiety but turns out I was wayy more depressed in general than i thought... like washing dishes isn't supposed to be something I have to syke myself up for for for days)

So yea I started the day entirely hopeless and ready to jump off a bridge and while I still have a lot of shit I'll have to work through in therapy, I'm so, so much better now now than I was.

I also got 1 hr of sleep last night since I was so exhausted from it all (funny how that works) and the fact that it was loudly storming all night, so ima slep now g'night