#Haftarah

[judaismandsuch]

On Haftorahs (particularly on last week's)

Every week on Shabbat in shul we read a Torah portion, such that over the course of the year we will get through the entire Torah.

For each Torah portion there is an associated Hafotrah, which a section from another of the books of tanach that has some associated theme in common with the Torah portion that was read (with some exceptions).

There are a total of about 82 Haftorahs (I did a quick google, couldn't find a def. answer, so running off of memory).

Wait, you ask, there are like 52 weeks in a year. Even if you add an extra month, you still only get to 56. How are there 82?

Well, I answer, all the major holidays have there own torah portion and haftorah, and if they fall on shabbat their haftora superceeds the normal one. Along with chol hamoed, minor holidays, and several other events that can occur.

So you never read all 82 in one year.

Now this leads to something interesting, due to how the calendar works, some haftorahs are rarer than others.

Miketz (the one we just had), usually falls during Hanuka, in fact on average it is only not on Hanukah once every 10 years!

So usually it gets supplanted by Chanuka's hafotrah (well, one of them). It's a classic story too!

It's the one about Solomon, the baby, and the 2 mothers!

and we won't read it (in shul at least) for another 17 years!

How bonkers is that?

[anonymousdandelion]

Note that we're talking about the melodic/cantillation aspects specifically here: Eichah can be your favorite trop without being your favorite megillah. And you don't have to be able to leyn to have an opinion — feel free to vote based on whatever you most enjoy listening to!

Bonus points for sharing in the tags what specific minhag of trop you were thinking of when you voted, since they're beautifully different!

(I'm mostly only familiar with the Ashkenazi versions — though I've heard Sephardi Torah readingn a couple times — so apologies if I left something off the list that doesn't have an analog in Ashkenazi minhag. 😭 Or, for that matter, if I left something Ashkenazi off, which is also possible.)

[alllexxx3]

How beautiful are the feet of the herald on the mountains, announcing peace, heralding good tidings, announcing salvation, saying to Zion, "Your G-d has manifested His kingdom."

Isaiah 52:7

[xvermingirlx]

New parashat started this week - Va'etchanan.

However, I found something to think about more with this week's Haftarah.

This portion of Isaiah 40: 1-26 stuck out a lot to me, and I plan to revisit this.

[torais-life]

Haftarah

II Kings Chapter 4

1Now a woman, of the wives of the disciples of the prophets, cried out to Elisha, saying, "Your servant, my husband, has died, and you know that your servant did fear the Lord; and the creditor has come to take my two children for himself as slaves."

2And Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me what you have in the house." And she said, "Your maidservant has nothing at all in the house except a jug of oil."

3And he said, "Borrow vessels for yourself from outside, from all your neighbors; do not borrow only a few empty vessels.

4And you shall come and close the door about yourself and about your sons, and you shall pour upon all these vessels; and the full one you shall carry away."

5And she went away from him and closed the door about herself and about her sons; they were bringing [vessels] to her and she was pouring.

6And it was when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, "Bring me another vessel," and he said to her, "There is no other vessel." And the oil stopped.

7And she came and told the man of God: and he said, "Go sell the oil and pay your debt; and you and your sons will live with the remainder."

8And it was that day that Elisha went as far as Shunem, and there was a prominent woman who prevailed upon him to eat a meal; and it was, whenever he would pass, he would stop there to eat a meal.

9And she said to her husband, "Behold now I know that he is a holy man of God, who passes by us regularly.

10Now let us make a small walled upper chamber, and place there for him a bed, a table, a chair, and a lamp; and it will be that when he comes to us, he will turn into there.

11And it was one day that he went there, that he turned into the upper chamber and lay down there.

12And he said to Gehazi his servant, "Call this Shunemitess;" and he called her, and she stood before him.

13And he said to him, "Please say to her, 'Behold you have busied yourself on our account with all this trouble. What is there to do for you? Can we speak on your behalf to the king or to the general of the army?' " And she said, "I dwell in the midst of my people."

14And he said, "Now what can we do for her? " And Gehazi said, "Indeed, she has no son, and her husband is old."

15And he said, "Summon her," and he summoned her, and she stood at the doorway.

16And he said, "At this time next year, when you will be alive like now, you will be embracing a son." And she said, "No, my lord, O man of God, do not fail your maidservant."

17And the woman conceived and bore a son, at this time a year later, which Elisha had spoken to her.

18And the child grew up; and it was one day that he went out to his father, to the reapers.

19And he said to his father, "My head! My head!" And he said to the servant, "Carry him to his mother."

20And he carried him and brought him to his mother, and he sat on her knees until noon, and he died.

21And she went up and laid him on the bed of the man of God, and she closed about him and left.

22And she called her husband and said, "Please send me one of the servants and one of the she-asses; and I will run up to the man of God and return."

23And he said, "Why are you going to him today; it is neither the New Moon nor the Sabbath." And she said, "It's all right."

24And she saddled the she-ass, and she said to her servant, "Drive and go forward. Don't keep back from riding because of me unless I tell you."

25And she went and came to the man of God, to Mt. Carmel; and it was when the man of God saw her from afar, that he said to Gehazi his servant, "Here is that Shunemmitess.

26Now please run toward her, and say to her, 'Are you well? Is your husband well? Is the child well?' " And she said, "We are well."

27And she came to the man of God to the mountain, and she took hold of his feet; and Gehazi approached to push her away. Now the man of God said, "Let her be, for her soul is bitter to her, and the Lord hid it from me and did not tell me."

28And she said, "Did I ask for a son from my lord? Did I not say, 'Do not mislead me?' "

29And he said to Gehazi, "Gird your loins and take my staff in your hand and go. If you meet anyone, do not greet him, and if anyone greets you, do not answer him: and you shall place my staff on the lad's face."

30And the lad's mother said, "As the Lord lives and by your life, I will not leave you." And he rose and went after her.

31And Gehazi went ahead of them, and he placed the staff on the lad's face, and there was no sound nor any attention; and he returned toward him and told him saying, "The lad has not awakened."

32And Elisha came into the house, and behold the lad was dead, laid out on his bed.

33And he came and closed the door about both of them; and he prayed to the Lord.

34And he went up and lay on the child, and placed his mouth on his mouth and his eyes on his eyes and his palms on his palms, and he prostrated himself upon him: and the child's flesh became warm.

35And he returned and walked in the house once here and once there, and he went up and prostrated himself upon him: and the lad sneezed up to seven times, and the lad opened his eyes.

36And he summoned Gehazi and said, "Call this Shunemmitess." And he called her, and she came to him, and he said, "Pick up your son."

37And she came and fell at his feet and bowed to the ground; and she picked up her son and departed.

[giffypudding]

My version of the Haftarah was different

[coolreader18]

hah, woah, it's been I think like 8 years since I last studied the haftarah for my bnei mitzvah portion but I still remember good chunks of it looking at it. wild, lmao

[oseh-shalom]

Been feeling lots of Big Emotions as Pesach gets closer. I finished my conversion just before Shavuot last year, and recently I’ve found myself getting struck by these totally random moments of memory. I remember my rabbi’s family invited me over for lunch the Shabbat during Pesach. On the walk over, my rabbi mentioned that in a way, the Omer served as a sort of countdown for becoming Jewish. Looking back, it feels like such a special liminal space that I can’t quite describe.

[gay-otlc]

Hey, I loved your Jewish elves hcs!!! please do more if you feel like it 🥺

Oh wow, thanks! :D

I'm in my Tiertice brainrot era (I have been in this era for literally years) so have some Tiertice headcanons: Judaism edition

This isn't necessarily a headcanon, but just something that was in my brain- Tiergan and Prentice + David and Jonathan.

Specifically, that part in Machar Chodesh where they have their "thank god you're alive" gay reunion and then they kiss. It just reminds me of Them particularly in Nightfall.

(Fun fact: Machar Chodesh is the gay Haftarah. I was assigned the gay Haftarah for my b'nai mitzvah before I even knew I was gay)

Tiergan has a fairly stereotypical Jewish nose and Prentice thinks it is actually the most beautiful thing in the world (he's right big noses are awesome)

Prentice and Tiergan disagree on whether or not matzah tastes good and it's the biggest argument they've ever had.

The Lost Cities do have synagogues, but sometimes Tiergan and Prentice totally legally visit human synagogues. They're just neat, you know?

Especially since I have a headcanon that elf synagogues don't do Mourner's Kaddish, since elves die so rarely, so after the mind break Tiergan goes to human synagogues more frequently.

Tiergan is one of those Jews that genuinely believes matzah ball soup can fix literally anything. Wylie has the flu? Matzah ball soup. Forkle got stabbed? Matzah ball soup. Prentice's mind is broken? Matzah ball soup

Prentice's mind was not, in fact, fixed by matzah ball soup.

Prentice absolutely loves Purim. It's the "get drunk off your ass and boo at this dude while eating pastries shaped like his stupid hat" holiday. Literally what is not to like?

He also bakes hamentaschen very well.

I don't feel like coming up with a whole Hebrew name for Tiergan but it absolutely starts with Eben. It means rock. The Granite disguise was always meant to be.

End here for the mostly lighthearted headcanons!

Holocaust TW for the next two.

Prentice joined the Black Swan because he was so angry at the Council for not doing anything about the Holocaust.

Seriously though, why did the Council not doing anything about the Holocaust? What the fuck, my dudes?

[longeyelashedtragedy]

~day of atonement~ starts at sundown, again i’m not in any sort of holiday mood at all and i can only hope next year is different idk 

[parashapix]

Shmini

Yes, I know. I messed up. I forgot last week. (specifically, I forgot that I wouldn't be able to do it on the day I normally do, Friday.) So to make up for it, today you are getting both the Torah and the haftarah וַיִּקְח֣וּ בְנֵי־אַֽ֠הֲרֹ֠ן נָדָ֨ב וַֽאֲבִיה֜וּא אִ֣ישׁ מַחְתָּת֗וֹ וַיִּתְּנ֤וּ בָהֵן֙ אֵ֔שׁ וַיָּשִׂ֥ימוּ עָלֶ֖יהָ קְטֹ֑רֶת וַיַּקְרִ֜יבוּ לִפְנֵ֤י יְהֹוָה֙ אֵ֣שׁ זָרָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֧ר לֹ֦א צִוָּ֖ה אֹתָֽם: וַתֵּ֥צֵא אֵ֛שׁ מִלִּפְנֵ֥י יְהֹוָ֖ה וַתֹּ֣אכַל אוֹתָ֑ם וַיָּמֻ֖תוּ לִפְנֵ֥י יְהֹוָֽה: And Aaron's sons, Nadab and Abihu, each took his pan, put fire in them, and placed incense upon it, and they brought before the Lord foreign fire, which He had not commanded them. And fire went forth from before the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord. (Vayikra 10:1-2)

וַיַּרְכִּ֜בוּ אֶת־אֲר֚וֹן הָֽאֱלֹהִים֙ אֶל־עֲגָלָ֣ה חֲדָשָׁ֔ה וַיִּשָּׂאֻ֔הוּ מִבֵּ֥ית אֲבִינָדָ֖ב אֲשֶׁ֣ר בַּגִּבְעָ֑ה וְעֻזָּ֣א וְאַחְי֗וֹ בְּנֵי֙ אֲבִ֣ינָדָ֔ב נֹהֲגִ֖ים אֶת־הָעֲגָלָ֥ה חֲדָשָֽׁה: וַיִּשָּׂאֻ֗הוּ מִבֵּ֚ית אֲבִֽינָדָב֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר בַּגִּבְעָ֔ה עִ֖ם אֲר֣וֹן הָאֱלֹהִ֑ים וְאַחְי֕וֹ הֹלֵ֖ךְ לִפְנֵ֥י הָאָרֽוֹן: ודוד | וכל־בית ישראל משחקים לפני יהוה בכל עצי ברושים ובכנרות ובנבלים ובתפים ובמנענעים ובצלצלים:  And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and they carried it from the house of Avinadav that was on the hill; and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Avinadav, drove the new cart. And they brought it out of the house of Avinadav, which was on the hill, with the ark of God, and Achyo went before the ark. And David and all the house of Israel made merry with all [manner of instruments of] cypress wood, and with harps, and with psalteries, and with timbrels, and with sistra, and with cymbals. (Shmuel Bet, 6:3-5)

[alllexxx3]

...straighten out in the wilderness... Isaiah, 40:3

[torais-life]

Haftarah-Parshah Ki Teitzei

Haftarah: (Isaiah 54:1 - 55:5)

Chapter 54

1"Sing you barren woman who has not borne; burst out into song and jubilate, you who have not experienced birth pangs, for the children of the desolate one are more than the children of the married woman," says the Lord.

2Widen the place of your tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of your habitations, do not spare; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.

3For right and left shall you prevail, and your seed shall inherit nations and repeople desolate cities.

4Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed, and be not embarrassed for you shall not be put to shame, for the shame of your youth you shall forget, and the disgrace of your widowhood you shall no longer remember.

5For your Master is your Maker, the Lord of Hosts is His name, and your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, shall be called the God of all the earth.

6For, like a wife who is deserted and distressed in spirit has the Lord called you, and a wife of one's youth who was rejected, said your God.

7"For a small moment have I forsaken you, and with great mercy will I gather you.

8With a little wrath did I hide My countenance for a moment from you, and with everlasting kindness will I have compassion on you," said your Redeemer, the Lord.

9"For this is to Me [as] the waters of Noah, as I swore that the waters of Noah shall never again pass over the earth, so have I sworn neither to be wroth with you nor to rebuke you.

10For the mountains shall depart and the hills totter, but My kindness shall not depart from you, neither shall the covenant of My peace totter," says the Lord, Who has compassion on you.

11O poor tempestuous one, who was not consoled, behold I will set your stones with carbuncle, and I will lay your foundations with sapphires.

12And I will make your windows of jasper and your gates of carbuncle stones, and all your border of precious stones.

13And all your children shall be disciples of the Lord, and your children's peace shall increase.

14With righteousness shall you be established, go far away from oppression, for you shall not fear, and from ruin, for it will not come near you.

15Behold, the one with whom I am not, shall fear, whoever mobilizes against you shall defect to you.

16Behold I have created a smith, who blows on a charcoal fire and produces a weapon for his work, and I have created a destroyer to destroy [it].

17Any weapon whetted against you shall not succeed, and any tongue that contends with you in judgment, you shall condemn; this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their due reward from Me, says the Lord.

Chapter 55

1Ho! All who thirst, go to water, and whoever has no money, go, buy and eat, and go, buy without money and without a price, wine and milk.

2Why should you weigh out money without bread and your toil without satiety? Hearken to Me and eat what is good, and your soul shall delight in fatness.

3Incline your ear and come to Me, hearken and your soul shall live, and I will make for you an everlasting covenant, the dependable mercies of David.

4Behold, a witness to nations have I appointed him, a ruler and a commander of nations.

5Behold, a nation you do not know you shall call, and a nation that did not know you shall run to you, for the sake of the Lord your God and for the Holy One of Israel, for He glorified you.

[wb7ykfq08gy]

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[magnetothemagnificent]

My full thoughts on 'You Are So Not Invited To My Bat Mitzvah':

So first off, going into it, I didn't think I would like it. I don't really watch the tween-angst genre of movies, and the promotional material for the movie made it look like it was just gonna be a movie about Jews having an extravagant and expensive party, which is obviously problematic.

But the movie.....it blew me away. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Things I loved:

-The typical Jewish stereotypes you see in every movie about Jews weren't present. I really expected Adam Sandler's character to be another nebbish pushover Jewish dad stereotype, but he wasn't. He was goofy and soft but also he was strong and passionate about Judaism and his family. When he got really, truly angry at Stacy, I almost cheered. Of course all the characters in the movie are on the upper middle class end, but upon reflection, that's just the genre of movies. There's a genre of tween and teen movies about extravagant birthday parties where the characters live in a world free from poverty, and well, it's nice to have a movie in that genre for ourselves. It's escapism.

-The characters all loved Judaism and being Jewish. Jewish religious practice and belief wasn't treated as a joke or an afterthought. The kids would actually look forward to Hebrew school, and Hebrew school wasn't depicted as boring and stuffy. The religious aspect of a Bat Mitzvah was front and center- it drove the whole story, from Stacy practicing her Maftir (not "Haftarah" as the movie got wrong) as she comes up with her worst mistake, to Stacy working on her Mitzvah project.

-Because the majority of the story occured at the characters' homes and in Hebrew School and Temple, antisemitism wasn't a player in the story, and I liked that. We have so many movies about Jewish pain and suffering, and it's nice to have a light-hearted movie. It doesn't pretend antisemitism doesn't exist, but it's just not relevant to the story.

-Even though it was a movie about a tween girl and all her struggles and insecurities, she was never once insecure about her Jewish features. They could have very easily slipped into the old "Jewish girl hates her nose" but it didn't. And I hope that if Sunny Sandler gets serious about acting as she grows up, she won't feel pressured to get a nose job like so many other Jewish young women do.

-It doesn't pander to goyim and take time to explain every single Jewish word and reference like Hallmark Hanukkah specials do. It's a movie made by Jews for Jews, and it doesn't edit itself to be more palatable to goyim. And I loved that.

Some critiques:

-My biggest criticism is the portrayal of Jewish tween boys. I get that the movie is from Stacy's POV, so as a tween girl she might see all boys her age as gross and as assholes, but I find it problematic that all the Jewish boys were depicted as nasty, while the only boy depicted as nice and polite was not Jewish. I think it plays into stereotypes of Jewish boys and sends a harmful message.

-I loved Rabbi Rebecca, but I think that at times her character went from endearingly awkward to just gross and inappropriate, such as when she talked about her yeast infection in front of her students. I think just a bit of editorial tweaking would have been beneficial for her character.

Overall rating: 9/10, would definitely recommend it to my Jewish friends. Goyim, you might enjoy it, but it really isn't made for you so you might be lost at times. Just accept you're not the target audience.