justcrazyfaith

[coulsonlives]

Ah yes I love opening tumblr and seeing body weight discourse on a stock photo blog, very nice /s

[brilapse]

Warning⚠️ personal stupid emotional rant follows

:(

im legit blubbering like a fucking moron

I just spent like an hour in my bedroom trying on every bra and piece of underwear I own, trying to find something i felt decently attractive in. I put on a black bra that pushed up my boobs and a matching pair of black underwear that were semi high waisted and curved on the hips (like those 90s bathing suits that showed like half girls ass)

I felt kinda sexy in it, and I've been having a hard time with that lately, i never feel sexy anymore, especially being a size 12 now.

Anyways I was feeling myself and my hair was thick and wavy and I was just all over liking myself. Took some selfies and felt even more sexy after taking them lol

Decided to go out into the living room and show myself off to my bf, I walked in front of him so he could see me (he was working at his desk) and kind of did a little pose and asked him what he wants for dinner to get his attention.

He looks up at me and says doesnt matter, we'll figure it out or whatever and then looks back at his computer. He wasn't on a call. He wasn't chatting with anyone important. He was fixing up a document while literally watching twitch.

He didnt look at me again, didnt mention anything.

It felt like a knife went through my heart. I immediately ran to the bedroom and threw on my long cardigan.

I went back out and went to go have a cigarette and he started talking to me and when I replied I just started crying. He obviously was like "whats wrong?" and I just looked at him like is he serious? He truly did not notice?

I told him what was wrong and he was like "i didnt know you put that on for me, I didn't really notice what you were wearing, I looked quickly, and you're always wearing your underwear around the house"... (im always wearing like my comfy underwear and Tshirts and comfy bras, but this was like NICE VAVOOM SEXY TIME STUFF and my hair was down and nice and not in a messy bun like normal ) and then he asked to see it again and said I looked beautiful and sexy and said im sorry and obv i was like no you dont mean it, youre saying it because you know that's what i want and blah blah blah we got into a conversation and started talking about how he never touches me anymore or never has sex with me and hes like you know that has nothing to do with you at all, you know its me and im ashamed of my body and my weight (hes not a small guy, but not like humungous and he gained more weight during lockdown, and he's gotten a little big, yes) but I have told him multiple times I do not care. I love him and I think hes Handsome and I love his big strong arms and I call him my big bear. I genuinely do not care, but he still doesn't have sex with me and of course Im gonna think its more than that, that its me, especially when I've grinded up on him and whatever and teased and tried to start something up and he just gets a little hard and then pushes me away and says i dont feel well, not tonight.

He doesn't even TRY to put aside the self esteem or try and make an effort or try and change things....

Im just.... Im sad and im frustrated and i feel like the ugliest, fattest girlfriend ever. I literally praise him when trying to initiate sex.... Obviously it's me.

Obviously he's just not attracted to me anymore.

He knows I'm so sad over this whole thing, and still nothing changes. If he truly was still attracted to me, he would be able to put aside his issues when im done up and begging him to fuck me.....the only thing that makes sense is that he isn't attracted to me anymore.

Ive done everything to reassure him and set up a meal plan and workout routine we could do together (but stressed i do not care, im doing this for you, not me. I love you either way) ive been so patient. I really have.

I just feel so ugly and fat and worthless.

Whatever, rant over.

Thanks Tumblr for allowing me to vent my issues, I needed to let that all out to a bunch of strangers ugh

See ya laterrrr

[beyainica-blog]

Guess who’s in the 230’s?

A bit bittersweet considering I could have been this weight monday. But I will take it and stop beating myself up.

I am literally 9lbs away from the 220’s. 13 days left until valentines day.

My goal is to get to 220 on valentines. I mean I want to be lower but I will take that. I’m 18lbs away with 13 days left. I need to lose 1.4lbs a day for 13 days to get there. I think I can do it.

Lets start with the bad.

Heart?

Even though I only workout 7-14 mins every day I have been STRUGGLING to get through my workouts. Like it takes me an hour at the gym to complete 14 min workouts. I have no idea what it could be. It honestly could be a whole host of things. I had pneumonia last week, even if the virus is gone. I read that you will feel fatigue for weeks after. Also, I’m on a liquid diet, I’m going to be tired anyway. And on phentermine. My heart is literally racing which it didn’t before, just after pneumonia. Like during my workout I can feel my heart beat out my chest. I guess the caffiene doesn’t have a buffer because I don’t eat

I am extremely weak. At work I try my very best to hold it together. But I feel faint. Luckily it hasn’t been so busy so I don’t have too much to do but still. I’m lucky I have my powerade, it gives me a LITTLE energy and there is enough sugar to keep me standing. I honestly think I’m burning too many calories for not eating anything. Like I don’t count the calories I burn at work standing, I only count when I work out. But yes I do burn calories standing everyone does. Idk if I should shorten my workouts on days that I work. It would be pretty dumb of me to drive to the gym for a 4-5 min workout. It’s already stupid of me to drive there for a 7 min workout. But I will do it. Maybe not workout days I’m working. Idk. I’m losing weight rapidly. I don’t want to give up working out because I want to be toned by the end of it. All of this stress I’m putting myself in is taking a toll on my heart so I need to take it easy.

Take little steps to make it better.

1. Take phentermine AFTER my workouts. See if my heart beats less

If that works thats how I’ll do it. I only took phentermine before because it helped my energy. Thats when I was restricting with food not liquid.

To help with energy. HONESTLY. I don’t drink enough. I think I’m cute and dainty when I don’t finish my powerades because I never do. Like not on purpose I just dont feel like it. Powerade is the only source for electrolytes for me. So I HAVE to drink it. Electrolyte imbalance can also affect heart rate. Honestly I don’t drink powerade or enough electrolyte water which I special order and have been since my water fast. My regime should be to drink a litre of electrolyte water and a whole powerade. Thats enough electrolytes I feel. Tommorow, I’m bringing my 50fl ounces Assentia water that I got for .79 cents which is normally $3. I am drinking that entire thing. You know what I can start doing drinking my water in the car. On my way to work start on it. Don’t start at work. Its less stress to finish. Start finishing my water before I even touch my powerade.

I have to bear with the weakness. I’m fine somewhat its not unbearable yet. I feel the most exhausted after work. I feel like because I’m in a public setting my body just knows to keep it together. I hope I don’t faint until I’m in the 180’s at least. I won’t be THAT heavy but still a complete fat ass.

I plan to keep this liquid diet going. If I become overwhelmed the first thing I will stop is exercise. Even though the workouts are short af. Thats the first thing to go. On days I don’t work. If the problem continues I may have to alternate. One day liquid. One day 500 calories + exercise. I want to be skinny but I want to be alive with minimal damage. Eating isnt binging. Binging is ordering 16 tenders and an X large pizza from Papa Johns with chocolate and a litre of coke. I didn’t plan to eat at all during feburary, but you bet your ass I will if I ABSOLUTELY have too. Honestly I feel like it would make the weight loss faster. Eating 500 is higher than what my body is accustomed to now, so my metabolism will get faster. Like I said, only when I feel like I HAVE to I will eat. The worst thing is having to exercise everything off. Thats what I hated the most about restricting. I love on this liquid diet I only have to workout 7-14 mins a day. Imagine. 14 mins of exercise to burn off a powerade. 5 chicken tenders at 108 calories each would take 32 mins. Thats insane. But at least I’ll have the energy for it.

I am addicted to this FAST weightloss though. I woke up at 240lbs honestly. After work I was 238lbs exactly. We love flunctuations.

Sweating

I have always been a sweater. Like this is genetics. Even when I was younger and skinnier I sweat. But as I’ve gotten bigger I notice that I sweat ALOT more. Its so fucking emberrassing. I’m so scared at work. Literally was getting slight vagina sweat. I can’t even think about it. Everyone will think my vagina is diseased. Its just sweat. I wear a waist trainer. 1. To hide my belly. 2. So it can catch my back sweat. It only goes to my back so I have to wear a tank top under neath. I don’t have a good one because I refuse to spend money on it. Maybe I should start wearing my sports bras and tank until I lose a bit of weight. I started wearing a long sleeve to hide my bat arms but I get so over heated its not even funny. Like I start to sweat everywhere. Yeah having three articles of clothes will make anyone sweat. Of course the heater is on in the resturant I work at because its winter. Mix that with running around to tend to guests you have a sweaty bitch. Being fat doesnt help at all. Neither does being gentically proned to sweat. It makes it 10x worse. So I had to take off my longsleeve at work today because I just clocked in and vacuumed and could already feel the sweat accumulate. AND I JUST GOT THERE. I said nah.

But I guess good news my work shirt is a lot bigger on me, hides my bat arms better than before. The only thing I hate is you can still see my stretch marks on my arms. But they have cleared a bit, it use to be deep ridges in my arm but I lost almost 70lbs. When I get to 200lbs I don’t think they will be there anymore. I’m certain by 180lbs they won’t I bet my life.

My work uniform is black so that makes it worse though I’m thank ful. Today I had to shave my vagina and armpits to stop the sweat some what. Only to wear polyester under wear because again. I don’t wear underwear and I refuse to buy them unless they’re a medium or small. Right now large gives me wedgies so maybe I can fit into a M/L idk but I gotta get more under wear don’t have a choice because I can’t work without underwear. You know Idk if its because I had pneumonia, or if its the phentermine, or if its the liquid diet. But weeks before I didnt sweat this much. I went to work frequently without underwear. I wore my long sleeve shirt no problem. Now its a problem. Sweat can also be caused by fighting an infection. Maybe I’m still fighting the pneumonia. The thing about pneumonia is even after the virus is eliminated by antibiotics its still going to kick your ass for a few weeks. Fatigue and cough

Another thing is I move so fast at work by the time I get back to my post I’m sweating its good but, bad at the same time

Weight is still an issue and why I sweat so much so this is just an incentive to lose more weight.

Goals

I see my doctor on the 22nd or 23rd a week after valentines. I hope to be 209 or lower. By then and if I can keep on this diet I think I can. Last time I was there I was 254 (260 on their scale) so 209 will be a PLEASANT suprise and they will be very happy. Thats a 51lb weight loss and thats ALOT of weight. They will literally worship my feet and give me more phentermine they’ll give me anything I want. Though I gotta do blood work so thats like $168 but its okay it has to be done I understand. I made alot this pay period and the only thing I have to pay is, registration, tax, inspection, gym $10, mom and buy more water and powerade. I should have like $200 left. If not I deffo get paid again the 15th of this month. The 2nd of March. (The day after my cheat day) so my cheat day is on a thursday. Good. Maybe I’ll push it to saturday. Or the day I’m off. Definetly want to be out of the 200’s by the end of feburary thats my top goal.

Valentines day

I hope I’m not hyping it for nothing. I hope I get something from someone.

If I lose 2lbs for the next 13 days I’ll be 212lbs on valentines. (Could have been 207)

If I lose 1.5lbs for the next 13 days. I’ll be 218lbs (could have been 213)

If I lose 1lb a day for the next 13 days I’ll be 225lbs (could have been 220 exactly)

I hope I lose at least 1.5lbs a day consistently. So far I been losing 2-3lbs everyday. 3lbs mostly I would love to lose 3lbs a day for 13 days that would be EXCELLENT. That would put me at 199lbs exactly (could have been 194) imagine if that actually happened. I would DIE. I’m 39lbs away from getting out of the 200’s I’m excited. I just hope I’m losing weight for a reason. Honestly lose 1kg a day is reasonable I eat less than 300 calories a day, and I bet you my starting weight was more than this girl whoever she is. If I get to 199lb by valentines. Bitch. I will be 180lb by the end of feburary. Plateau nor metabolism will stop me.

Boss

Lately I noticed that every time I go to work I work with my one manager that likes me. I can tell he likes me because the other manager which is his friend is always around. They giggle and stare at me. He makes the schedule so that I only work with him. Its kind of cute. I like how I make him shy. But sometimes I get flustered. He catches me off guard. He walks REALLY slow towards me its kind of nerve racking. I purposely dont look at him because its emberrassing. He keeps coming up to me but saying ABSOLUTELY nothing. Adorable.

Jeans

I really wanted to wear size 9 jeans, on valentines. But it wasnt because of my binge. I dont think I was going to fit in them anyway until I get to 180’s but its okay.

My size 16 wide are so fucking loose. The day they fall off my body is the day I stop wearing them period. Until then we gon wear it sis.

Belly

Despite the weightloss I don’t think my bell has been affected at all granted. I’ve only lost like 15lbs I just dont see it in my stomach which is my first problem area. I hope by valentines day at, atleast 212lbs it will reduce. Seriously I’m tired of looking at it. When I was in college at 22, I was 213 and my stomach was FLAT. I remember because I weighed myself. So these next 26lbs better be fucking good to me or I’m FIGHTING. A pound of fat in terms of physical is huge. On the scale its nothing. I’m tired of having a pouch in my jeans. I’m tired of looking at it hang. It needs to go. Arms next. At 180lb I better not see a fucking bat wing in sight.

[gizmosisbuttons]

Episode 4 was a fandom wide callout post.

all you fools too busy being pissed bc Coran went all show crazy and basically re-characterized the paladins to what the masses found entertaining, to notice that the entire episode was literally a fandom wide call out post. they literally called us out guys. 

lets go over the list of things Coran said/did in ep 4 and compare them shall we?

let me preface this by saying he literally wasn't himself and i still love him just as much as before, my gorgeous man.

”I worked up very specific personas for each of you. This is going to help the audience connect on a much deeper level with each team member.” 

as if they didn't already have defining personalities that make them very likable and awesome? sounds familiar right? its one thing to speculate and theorize based on what we know about a character especially if we don’t know a lot about said character. the writers put a lot of time and effort into developing these characters and even said during an interview once that one of the things that bugged them about og Voltron was that the only properly developed character was Keith. the other guys didn't get a chance to be loved. and that was what they aimed to do, to give every paladin and character the chance to be loved. since the beginning the fandom has been bad at this. taking one teeny trait from each character and twisting them so that the only thing that matters is that trait. 

         “lover-boy lance”

throughout the series lance is known  to flirt with...pretty much every cute alien girl. of course. hes handsome, charming, girls love him. Coran wipes away all of the actually relatable things about his personality in favor of this charming flirt who would win over girls. Lance is insecure, he’s witty, he is the freaking sharpshooter, the teams sniper and their glue. he’s voltrons right hand now for a reason. he got into the garrison which is a military space exploration base, not just anyone gets in. hes incredibly intelligent and a great pilot. amazing really. bc simulations are always absolutely terrible and rarely help. oh yea, and hes charming.but god forbid anyone forget that hes a flirt. who cares about the other stuff that will actually help the audience connect with him. 

        “science wiz pidge” 

its no secret that pidge is incredibly intelligent. she is one of the characters who haven't gotten their developing points until this season. in one of the first flashbacks we learned she nearly gave up studying because some kid decided to be a dick and bully her. Matt pulled her out of it and encouraged her to work hard. later on in ep 4 coran says that her science doesn't need to be factually correct because noone will understand her either way. he undermined her intelligence because . well. noone cares what she says as long as it sounds smart. fanfic writers do this a lot. like. a lot. i understand that you may not have the same knowledge that the girl who hacked herself into a military school base undercover at he age of 14-15 (if the theory that the garrison is a high school program is correct) because she had gotten banned for sneaking in and hacking into the computer system, but if you really do insist on focusing her on her smarts, do some research. no to mention. pidge may be the youngest, but she really is more than science and calculations. shes intelligent yes, but she can hold her own in battle (at the age range of 15-17 with no prior battle training), shes afraid of the possible reality that all her efforts are wasted and Matt and Sam are dead, she is actually pretty social with the paladins (she can even be seen hanging out in the kitchen while hunk makes glass cookies.) and beyond her intelligence, shes wise. shes not just random science facts, she knows how to hold her own in situations outside of battle and books. shes street smart. 

       “lone wolf keith”

now i know this was said to allura, and ill get to that. but if the keith vlog showed us anything, its that  hes not just a moody loner teenager.  i am very guilty of this myself. i portray keith as a human disaster. we don’t know hen he was left alone, we don’t really know much of his story. i head canon that his dad left him to fend for himself but every month woul drop off food or money or something. i head canon hes terrible about taking care of his body. but at least i don’t call him moody and move on.  i give him a background to fill in the blank space, but sometimes i forget and focus too much on his folded arms and  pouty face. he smiles. he laughs. hes an actual precious bean.  but hes also afraid of being pushed away. hes guarded and does his best to be strong. he hides his feelings and protects his heart with everything he has. (geez boi who hurt you). he is not the human embodiment of “teenagers” by mcr. aka he has feelings too. not to mention he also got into the garrison, and was the top pilot regardless of how he got in, if it happened to be by recommendation like most people think. 

      “humourous hunk”

as a hunk stan this one annoys me the most. throughout the episode hunk is consistently embarrassed, and even protests the fart noises, fart jokes, etc. he is purposely tripped for laughs. the fandom forgets that hes not just the fat funny guy, or just the personal chef. hes overcome so much since babies first lion flight, he used to get sick, constantly had to be the voice of reason to keep his teammates out of trouble,  he is just as intelligent as pidge and is actually one of the only people that can keep up with her science stuff. keith and lance even stated that they didnt understand anything they'd said. hes a fantastic engineer even if he had a few tummy mishaps. hes an amazing pilot too, and extremely sassy. he and pidge probably rigged the game console to work in space, And hes pretty friendly and cautious. he is NOT meant to be the comic relief. (say it louder for people in the back)

     “shiro the hero”

a lot of the fandom has taken to calling shiro daddy, sexualizing him (”now put on this tight shirt”) and focusing on shiro and only shiro (shiros the “favorite character” of corans little show). hes great. he really is. and the man needs a break. voltron is a kids show. he isnt meant to  be sexualized, none of them are. hes more than his arms and his leadership abilities. the biggest issue i have with the whole shiro thing. regardless of if hes a clone, when shiro returned he cut his hair differently, and wore short sleeves. everyone i know, including me, said they'd be fine with the clone if he had kept his hair long and “as much as i love the arm view” and didnt change his outfit. its a kid show. his body shouldn't matter.i am also guilty of this, and ep 4 opened my eyes to it. coran lifted shiros arm as if to prove that thats what the audience really wanted. he treats shiro differently bc hes the real star here and everyone should know it. ofc, hes the black paladin. (i wonder where the whole “the black paladin is the only one who really matters here” mindset came from. looking @ u ‘84). shiros may have ptsd, and hes constantly trying to hold himself together for his team, and its obviously not easy. maybe thats why hes got a cute white floof. the stress. 

      alluras erasure  

another point that always bugged me. the fandom either forgets allura exists, or that she is just stealing lances place temporarily. Allura is the blue paladin. while keith is gone, she is not filling in. shes a paladin now too. for coran to call her keith, and constantly call her keith, even though she obviously has a few choice words to say about it, its distrespectful. she says his plan is working and he replies with “why thank you keith...i like to keep you in character” once again, erasing her existence. now im not as well versed in this particular topic, but id like you to keep in mind that he talks to his princess with that mouth, and that she IS the princess and not a fill in while keith leads. feel free to elaborate on this more. 

     coran “fires “ team voltron. 

this. i find extremely entertaining. remember that legal trouble last year bc of the leaks? and right around that time the klance shipper started threatening them if they didn't make it gayer and put keith and lance together? the  fandom, who wanted all of this to happen their way, were threatening to get it cancelled and such just because things didnt go their way. shiro, the leader, disagreed with coran and tries to shut him down. and coran in fit of rage says:

you're a bunch of quitters! quitters! i’m a visionary! i have thoughts, ideas, i dont need you anyway. ill rewrite the show, get rid of the whole lot of you, replace you with new paladins! and the show will be better than ever before!...except for you shiro, ill never get rid of you, you're our most popular character!

this is essentially what the fandom was saying. now, was this definitely their plan, to call us out with this bit, in not sure, but honestly, its almost too coincidental.

the writers have made it clear that they heard us, and have always been listening. and really, thats why i love ep4. you're angry because you know you got called out but haven't admitted it to yourself. the writers do their best to bring us the best show possible, but they cant satisfy everyone. why cant we just be happy about Actual Meme (tm) Matt, and look forward to season five instead of fighting them because we got our shit handed right back to us. weve gotten a  taste of our own medicine, so chill. i enjoy them keeping us on our toes, surprising us with every turn, theyre great writers.who cares if one or two things pissed you off? we both know youre not gonna stop watching.

[karikitdemon]

Ha... this shit again... I hate doing rant posts, I really do. I try really hard to try and keep personal stuff off the internet or whatever.

"Well if you hate it so much why do it?! Why post it in the first place you attention whore?"

... I think about that alot when I post personal rants when I feel sad or upset or when the Void of depression starts to engulf me into a never ending see of darkness and despair with no light as far as the eye can see. Or rather, not see.

But, I'm finding that they kinda help a bit. That's why I'm doing this one.

So, here we go I guess. Sometimes I just lay in bed trying to fall asleep. I've got my lights out and I'm in bed, ready to sleep but I just... Can't. I lay in bed, try to get comfortable or listen to something, anything, so my running thoughts can just FUCKING CHILL for a fraction of a second then I could maybe get some sleep.

And I mean ANYTHING. Rock music, anime themes, loud pop songs, soothing orchestral versions of songs I like, etc. As long as I'm listening to something.

But... it doesn't always work.

Case and point, I'm writing this at almost 3am.

Anyway, I'm saying this because things irl have been shakey in some ways. I recently quit college cuz I found I wasn't doing it for me but I was only doing cuz it was shoved down my throat that I wouldn't be successful if I didn't. We had a family therapy session and I had to listen to my mom say how "She felt she was a failure of a mother" because she tried to raise me to WANT to go to school due to past experiences. That was FUN!

There was that whole thing with Susan, my grandmother, which is still going on in a way. Not gonna open that wound again. It still hurts.

Then recently my dad had a surgery to lose weight and get better health because his weight was affecting his heart and his bones and so on, I dont remember the details.

(Side note: being fat doesnt enherently make you unhealthy, for my dad it affected his health and he wanted, and pursued, change. Someone can be super healthy yet over weight or skinny and sickly or whatever. What I'm saying is, dont match weight to health, it's more than that.)

Turns out dad's past was repressed through eating or something, and the surgery literally made his stomach smaller so he can not eat as much. This brought up memories he didn't think he had which resulted in him recently being diagnosed with depression.

Thats only scratching the surface, don't get me started on the stress of finding a job now that I've gotta pay my parents for living with them... Just a whole lot of stuff has been happening. So... It's been a fun past 3 ish years for me.

Now, I mentioned sleep earlier and I was basically saying that I can't get sleep. Basically I'm a night owl. Which is one of the issues my parents have with me. Granted, our family therapist has made it so that my parents back off and let me do me, which I'm grateful for and they haven't been bugging me about it much.

But the other day mom came into my room, mad that Ibwas still in bed. She has gotten mad at me before because I wouldn't wake up and let the dogs out in the morning, specifically Brody and Wonder who usually stay with me but the other 4 stay with me more often. Yes, I have 6 dogs. Anyway, I've fixed that issue and it was fine for a bit.

Back to the other day, it was around 3pm ish and I had been up for almost an hour. I was relaxing with the dogs and watching some videos. I was just comfortable and enjoying the cuddles. But in comes mom.

"Why are you still in bed?!"

"I'm comfy."

"Well, its three in the after noon!"

"I know, but I've been up for about an hour. I've just been relaxing with the dogs."

And I can't remember much of the conversation after that because I kinda tuned her out.

Regardless I got up and moved to do some art I've been working on for personal stuff. But I couldn't stop myself from shaking.

It wasn't the fact that I slept in, I usually sleep in later than 2 so I was kinda proud of myself for that. No, it was the fact that I started to degrade myself because of the conversation. I started thinking I was worthless and a fuck up and that I'm awful and horrible and so on and so forth. Even when I looked at my art I just thought

"Look at that! It's terrible! You're a terrible artist!"

"You should just quit this and get more sleep!"

I'm not even sure how but it happened.

... I cried there. Shivering. It was nothing new really, I've dealt with these negative thoughts ever since ninth grade. But it still hurt a lot, but the kicker was t hy at I thought I was getting better at keeping those negative thoughts at bay and that it wouldn't get so bad.... but they were just so loud that I just got back in bed after about ten minutes of just sitting and staring at my computer.

Cut to today and I'm scrolling through tumblr and I see some users In close to and I have been trying to talk to. But each time they're busy or I'm too nervous to bother them because I know they're busy. So I just kept scrolling but liked the stuff they had reblogged. But I went to the previous reblog and reblogged it that way.

I felt ashamed of reblogging something from users I know and consider friends that I went out of my way not to bother them because I know they are all busy.

I caved and cried... again.

"You're pathetic."

"They don't like you, look at the shit you do!"

"They are better off without you!"

"PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC!!!!!"

... even though I know those users are busy and they've apologized for not being on more to talk, even though I've told them it's fine. I sti felt those negative thought hitting me in the back of the head over and over with a fucking snow shovel.

I just.... these past few days have been nothing but negative and a pain for the most part and I just want it to not get like this anymore. I hate it and try my best to get it to not happen but...

I'm tired of it happening. Emotionally.

Ok, that's it. Sorry for the rant...

Honestly. I post these on my main blog cuz I know no one will care enough to even read my shit stories or will even bother with it. Anyway, until next time I'm feeling the pull of the void of depression I guess.