#I REALLY LIKE CONSISTENCY IN MY ART. I KNOW HOWEVER THATS NOT POSSIBLE. SO IT IS SIMPLY A GOAL I ENJOY STRIVING FOR.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

REFLEX IN THE SKY, WARNS YOU YOURE GONNA DIE, STORM COMING, YOU BETTER HIDE. FROM THE ATOMIC TIDE

(messin around with (ONLY) pens and colored pencils, error correction done with paper n glue)

[arminreindl]

Fossil Crocs of 2023

2023 has been a year with its ups and downs, but one consistent thing has been its fossil crocs at least, giving us another interesting variety of species and genera not known before. Like last year, I'll go down each of them (including phytosaurs) and give you some key notes. And since I've done my best to make individual posts for them I'll link those when available. I'll also try to give translations where possible, but do note that sometimes I might switch around a word due to it just sounding awkward otherwise.

Scolotosuchus

Starting us off is Scolotosuchus basileus ("royal scythian crocodile"), a basal, rauisuchian-like animal from the early stages of the Triassic. An animal roughly 3 meters long, it is primarily known from vertebrae and some other material, which however does have interesting implications. Based on the anatomy of the vertebrae, it has been speculated that Scolotosuchus performed a lot of rapid movement of the neck, presumably while hunting. Furthermore, it might be that Scolotosuchus lacked osteoderms, instead having developed a bracing system for its body much more like that of dinosaurs and mammals. Artwork by @knuppitalism-with-ue (he'll pop up quite a lot)

Colossosuchus

Fast forward to the Late Triassic, the hayday of early Pseudosuchians, and we find our first phytosaur of the list. Colossosuchus techniensis ("colossal crocodile of the Indian Institute of Technology") was an enormous animal from India's Tiki Formation. This one is known from undisputably better material, perhaps some of the best on this list as we have an entire bone bed of these guys, possibly representing a mass death site. Size estimates of the large specimens generally range from 6 to 9 meters in length, also making it the largest animal of this list, with the authors favoring an estimated 8 meters for the largest individual. Of course this is all subject to change, as we don't know the precise proportions (the downside of a bone bed is that all the bones are kinda jumbled together and god knows what belongs to what). Artwork by Joschua Knüppe again, a female being courted by an overconfident and confused Volcanosuchus (told you so)

Kryphioparma

Ok I won't bother you with this one too much. Kryphioparma caerula ("blue mysterious shield") is an aetosaur from the Late Triassic Chinle Formation of Arizona. Now aetosaurs are cool of course, but the thing is that Kryphioparma is known from exclusively osteoderms, their large armour plates. While thats valid, its also not really exciting (as you could have guessed from the absolute lack of artwork). Best I can say is that it coexisted with a bunch of other aetosaurs, which surely would have been a sight to see back in the day.

Venkatasuchus

Now Venkatasuchus armatum ("Venkata's armoured crocodile") is in a similar boat. This Indian aetosaur too is only known from osteoderms, tho at least a lot more of them that were found together, meaning we got a much better idea of its shape. There are some interesting implications it has on paleogeography and how different animal groups spread across Pangea, but that's probably beyond the scope of this post. There is at least some art of it tho, including one piece by Joschua featuring Jaklapallisaurus, an early sauropodomorph.

Mystriosuchus alleroq

Now we got our first new species of a preexisting genus. While I did my best to make posts on new genera, which typically went hand in hand with their respective wikipedia pages, species are a different matter since they'd require me to overhaul and research the whole genus. Which for Mystriosuchus would go all the way back to 1896.

Anyhow, Mystriosuchus alleroq ("jawbone spoon crocodile") is the newest in a long line of Mystriosuchus species and has been recovered from western Greenland of all places. Like Colossosuchus it is known from multiple individuals, at least four in fact, And like Venkatasuchus, it appears to have wideraning implications for the spread of archosaurs during the Triassic. Oh look its Josch's art again, neat.

Jupijkam

The final phytosaur and the final Triassic taxon of the year, Jupijkam paleofluvialis ("horned serpent of ancient rivers") was recovered from Nova Scotia Canada and represents one of the northernmost phytosaurs (alongside obviously our friend Mystriosuchus alleroq above). It is far less complete than the other phytosaurs I covered so far, but still nothing to scoff at. It's also one of the youngest known phytosaurs, possibly having lived during the last stage of the Triassic. There's no art but here's an image of its snout from the original paper.

Turnersuchus

And with this we have reached the Jurassic and somewhat of a double feature. Ordering these via chronology makes this almost like storytelling. Turnersuchus hingleyae ("Hingley's and Turner's crocodile") is the oldest and basalmost named thalattosuchian, a group of crocodylomorphs that took to the seas. As such it shows a mosaic of features, already having begun to reduce its limbs, having a moderately long snout and still bearing osteoderms, which some of its descendents would come to lose. Turnersuchus dates to the Pliensbachian, a stage of the early Jurassic, tho the paper mentions how its not likely to hold its title as oldest member of its group for long as even older material has been discovered and is awaiting publication. Artwork by Júlia d’Oliveira and Joschua Knüppe

Torvoneustes jurensis

While Turnersuchus gives us a glimpse at what the earliest thalattosuchians were like, Torvoneustes jurensis ("savage swimmer of the Jura Mountains") represents them at one of their most derived. At 4 meters long, it must have been an impressive creature, entirely smooth and lacking osteoderms, highly reduced arms and a tail fluke to boot. There are some interesting features, as unlike other species of Torvoneustes, this one does not appear to have been as durophagous, instead appearing to be more of a generalist. It's the last Jurassic croc of the year and practically lived at the opposite end of this time period relative to our previous thalattosuchian, during the Kimmeridgian. Artwork by Sophie De Sousa Oliveira, not to be confused with Jùlia who drew Turnersuchus.

Comahuesuchus bonapartei

From marine to terrestrial, Comahuesuchus bonapartei is a member of the Notosuchia, land-dwelling cousins to the Neosuchia. This new species is known from the Cretaceous of Argentina and was described on the basis of a lower jaw, which differs from the previously described species of Comahuesuchus by the fact that the teeth are situated in individual sockets. Its jaws were short and wide, being described as U-shaped, giving it a somewhat pug-nosed appearance. In case you're wondering why I don't have the translation of the name thats because I can't access Bonaparte's first paper, so all I can say is that the new species is named after famed Argentinian paleontologist Jóse Fernando Bonaparte. Artwork by I mean you probably guessed it, its Josch again.

Aphaurosuchus kaiju

I have some mixed feelings on Aphaurosuchus kaiju ("powerless kaiju crocodile"), not just because I have to rewrite its genus wikipedia page that I am no longer happy with. No, Aphaurosuchus is a great genus in my opinion, given the complete nature of the holotype. But I do think that the species name of this second form is a bit of an exaggeration, seeing as it is to my knowledge not that exceptionally big. So why name it kaiju other than to sound cool? I also think it just kinda becoms funny when you consider the meaning of the genus name. Anyhow, it does look pretty mean, but thats to be expected from a baurusuchid. It lived during the Late Cretaceous in Brazil and the phylogenetic analysis that accompanied its description had some interesting implications that I'm curious to see tackled in the future. Other than that it's just another baurusuchid from a place crawling with baurusuchids, which tbh is pretty cool itself but doesn't really help make it stand out. Arwork by Paula Zeinner

Dentaneosuchus

It is the middle Eocene. France is entirely occupied by mammals. Well, not entirely... One indomitable reptile still holds out against the invaders. Yes, I am of course talking about Dentaneosuchus ("frightfull crocodile"), the titan of the Eocene, the terror of the jungle. Easily among the most exciting finds, this animal was an enormous sebecid previously thought to be a member of the genus Iberosuchus, but recent research not only shows its distinct but enormous. With a lower jaw around 90 cm long, it rivals even the famed Barinasuchus of Miocene South America. The total body lenght is of course a matter of debate given how little we know about sebecid proportions, with the paper lowballing it at 3 to 4 meters and I personally recovering something more akin to 5 meters. Regardless of the specifics, this would make it easily one of the top predators of its time, tho sadly this was not meant to last. It was among the last non-mammalian apex predators of Europe, before climate change and competition from mammals eventually drove them to extinction. Arwork by Joschua Knüppe and @mariolanzas

Baru iylwenpeny

Our last three entries were all members of the Notosuchia, the terrestrial crocodiles that existed from the Jurassic to the Miocene, so lets jump to the other major group of the time, the Neosuchians, specifically their most recent branch, the Crocodilians. Yes finally we are getting to crocs in the stricter sense.

Baru iylwenpeny ("divine crocodile thats good at hunting") is an animal we also knew for a while under the informal name Alcoota Baru based on where it was found. This year I spent a lot of time writing in the Mekosuchinae, Australasian crocodiles of the Cenozoic and just when I had finished the page for Baru, this guy got published. It's the largest, most robust and most recent member of the genus. Good at hunting is a good choice for the species name, as this animal was over 4 meters long with a head commonly likened to a cleaver and a hunting style speculated to consist of inflicting a lot of trauma on its prey with its massive teeth. I could gush about Baru for ages, but thats the important parts. It lived in central Australia during the Miocene only 8 million years ago. Artwork by the incredible @manusuchus

Antecrocodylus

Now for the last crocodilian described this year and one I remised to make a dedicated post for due to time constraints (I had a busy few months). Antecrocodylus chiangmuanensis ("before Crocodylus from Chiang Muan") is a close relative of the modern dwarf and true crocodiles from the Miocene of Thailand. It is only known from the back of the skull and an associated lower jaw, but it serves to highlight how little we know about the crocodiless of eastern Asia during the Miocene, which is a shame given that this region is crucial to deciphering where true crocodiles originated.

Alligator munensis

And our final taxon is Alligator munensis ("Mun river alligator"), which, obviously, is a member of the modern genus Alligator and thus most closely related to the still extant Chinese and American Alligator. Likely having been split from its Chinese relatives when the Tibetan plateau was lifted up, this species lived during the middle Pleistocene in Thailand and may have survived until the Holocene. It's head was short and robust and its teeth globular, which could indicate that it fed on hard-shelled prey like clams and snails. It was also small, likely not much bigger than 1.5 meters. Artwork by Joschua Knüppe

And that should be all of them, all new species and genera of Pseudosuchians described this past year. It's once again been fun to look back and I hope that you find them just as interesting as I do. Lets hope that 2024 will bring equally fascinating discoveries.

[commander-snacks]

Hey who IS that husband-man? Is he an elden ring? A dark souls? What’s his whole vibe? Like, what’s he workin with?

YES! he is a elden ring :3

But here I can explain pretty much everything we know about him!! He and apostle dont have a ton of lore but what we do know about them is really cool. Ill include some info about the Apostle as well since their lore is interconnected

Generally, the Godskins are a mysterious type of creature (literally how theyre referred to in-game. They only appear human but are far from it). We see two types of godskins in-game, the Apostles (tall n skinny) and the Nobles (my hubby) They once served an as-of-yet unseen character called the "Gloam Eyed Queen". Since their queen was defeated long ago, theyve scattered all around the lands between. Their goal, simply put, is to kill the gods flay them, and wear their skin as a trophy.

More info under the cut!!!

-The godskins are masters of the art of black flame, a flame that was once capable of killing gods. Since death was sealed away by queen Marika however, this power has been lost. Black flame will still fuck you up good though.

-Since this power was lost, they now resort to flaying humans and albinaurics alike.

Unique twinblade wielded by Godskin Apostles characterized by its disturbing design. One end features a sickle for slicing attacks while the other boasts a winding spike for boring into flesh. -Godskin peeler description

-Most godskins seem to still be loyal to the gloam eyed queen even if she isnt around, seeking to unseal death and hunt gods again. However some have found themselves new masters, one Noble found in the volcano manor is believed to now serve Rykard instead

-The nobles are the most ancient of the apostles. Theyre a higher rank than them which is shown by their "seven-faced apron" theyre adorned with. Since the gloam eyed queen was defeated so long ago, we can assume the nobles are hundreds if not thousands of years old.

Nobles are the most ancient apostles who are said to have assimilated inhuman physiology -Godskin hood item description

-The "assimilated inhuman physiology" is proven by their reptilian features, see their big scaly tails:

-Their bodies are also almost clay-like in nature, able to squash and stretch at will. The apostle can stretch to great lengths, and the noble can expand himself tenfold

-Even though they appear only as a cruel human-slaying cult, theres a consistent theme of parental/maternal love in their origins. The godskin swaddling cloth is an obvious one, but also the fact that a noble is found guarding the serpents amnion (a literal womb)

The Gloam-Eyed Queen cradles newborn apostles swaddled in this cloth. Soon they will grow to become the death of the gods. -Swaddling cloth description

-With this knowledge we know the gloam eyed queen had a very personal relationship with the godskins, possibly even creating them herself.

-The nobles in particular are extremely skilled in swordsmanship, clear in their actual bossfight and also the description for their sword

Elegant piercing sword with a celadon colored blade wielded by Godskin Nobles.

The nobles possess skill with the sword unmatched by any lowborn. Despite its size, successive attacks from this weapon are swifter than the eye can follow. -Description for the godskin stitcher

-They are HUGE!!!!!!! They only look human in their proportions from afar until you get right up next to em. The nobles foot is the size of my whole torso and apostle is so tall its hard to even keep him in frame

-The godskins are unique in the fact that theyre the only mandatory bosses that can be put to sleep. Its unknown why this is, but it sure is cute

Aaaand thats all I can think to add right now!! oh, and theyre also the baldest mother fuckers youve ever seen in your life. Like on god

[bi-polar-geminii]

i don’t mean what i’m saying with malice, however, can you please stop putting all your inbox asks regarding the issue of listener designs on the main tag. i understand you want people to know about this issue (if this is your intention), but all you’re doing is making the artists who draw as a hobby feel bad, and just adding negativity to the main tag. i understand how it feels to not see yourself represented, but that’s where you come in. for those wanting rep, you can either draw it yourself or if you can’t draw it and are so adamant on wanting rep, commission and support an artist! consistently complaining won’t get anything done but draw artists away from the fandom itself and make art we see for these characters we all love become sparse and less.

additionally, listeners, at the end of the day, are us. if an artist is an afab female, chances are that listener will also be an afab female. some artists may not draw pocs not because they just don’t want to, but because they aren’t well-versed in depicting their features and don’t want to do it an injustice. there’s no need to rush to the worst possible and negative explanation. i have never seen myself represented in a single piece of redacted fanart, however i know better than to just nonsensically complain about it — because complaining won’t get anything done (it’ll only do more harm if anything).

thank you for making your points known, and i hope what i’m saying comes across to you as i intended it to

Out of respect, I did remove the unnecessary posts from the tags bc they did clog up the main tag (my bad, but also if its that bothersome, you can literally scroll past it, your not obligated to read everything)

I’m not slamming anyone or shaming people, that was never the intention here. It was to make light on how some artists choose to make characters (not self inserts) white simply bc of mainstream/kinda racist ideas that characters in media can only be portrayed as white to be popular or liked bc of white beauty standards. I want people to reflect and think about that, but I never said ppl *couldn’t* make them white or afab. Im not trying to gatekeep or force people to suddenly get rid of all their white characters just bc i said there isn’t enough representation

Also *I do* have characters for fandom rep, I have lots of them. The only reason why I don’t post them is because they aren’t finished yet. But what’s wrong with having an opinion on something? You have to admit, people wouldn’t be in my inbox telling that *I* have to create the representation needed and that my opinion is hurting everyone’s feelings if I was a white creator. Just think about that

Also im sorry but the whole “some ppl dont draw poc characters cause they dont know how to!” is an argument thats just very fucking tiring to hear. It truly isn’t that hard, like im being serious. There are *a lot* of free recourses out there to learn if your super keen on learning how to draw the different ethnic facial features. But if you wanna create a black/brown person for example, this is what you do; draw the character, make their skin color a darker brown. Congratulations! You’ve made a poc character! Ladies and gentlemen its really not that difficult, if your not willing to challenge yourself on how to draw different types of people or your too scared to- its gonna stunt your growth as an artist

This was the first time I opened up about an opinion I had seeing in this fandom, so idk what you mean by ‘consistently complaining’ when this whole situation has only happened once (for me)

[pansyfemme]

id really prefer if you didn't put the mature label on your art, it'd block it for me and anyone else under 18

Thank you for the feedback- thats what i was thinking! I think using the mature label is a little inappropriate for artistic nudity since i myself am pretty freshly 18 and was making art of nudity well before that, as well as it just being a body in the end of it. I don’t need people to be automatically comfortable with nudity, i know a lot of people are uncomfortable with it for a lot of reasons, but im someone who grew up in a family where the body was seen as natural and it wasnt the default state to be uncomfortable with nudity, just something some people are. i make a lot of art involving the body because of how important it’s been to my journey as an artist. As a trans man, someone with chronic pain and loose joints and skin as well as being fat, my body has always felt really radical, just existing in it. I like making art of it because it means a lot to me that i am able to exist in my form in a way that is graceful and peaceful. However, theres a lot of reasons why ppl might be uncomfortable with it, and ive gotten asks in the past of people uncomfortable with untagged nudity, but that was years ago. Here’s my approach going forward: i do not always tag nudity and sexuality that i am reblogging, but when i make an original post it will always be tagged if it contains nudity or sexual content. explicit peices and peices with heavy sexual overtones will be given the mature label. I’ve only used that label once at this point, but i felt more comfortable using it. (if i do use gore, which isnt often, that will be given a label too if its extreme.) As for other’s art, i will allow that to the discrestion of the artist. I will tag reblogged content as i feel is nessecary. Im not consistant with tagging nsfw or nudity, but if i feel a peice needs to be tagged (such as a peice showing full nudity or intense sexual overtones) i will, but also i want to be clear that i post a lot of content that features queer history, including its ties to sex and kink, as well as a lot of queer art feauting the same themes. im sure you are all aware of this, but yknow, just restating.

tdlr: I will always trigger tag on original posts and my own art. I also may use a community label in specific occasions where i feel more comfortable using them. Reblogged content is up to the discretion of the artist, (you couldnt catch me dead reporting a post as needing a community label, i dont do that shit.) and will geneally be tagged depending on the level of explicitness. if the artist choses to tag themselves, that’s up to them, i will tag on what i feel when nessecary. queer art, art featuring nudity and sexuality is to be expected, but rarely anything fully explicit (and if so, tagged.) If you would like me to tag a specific post, send an ask, i have anon on as much as possible, it is only off if i am currently facing harassment. Otherwise, come to my blog with those expectations.

[antiloreolympus]

7 Anti LO Asks

1. Do you know what really gets my blood boiling about this comic? Persephone and Demeter's relationship.

In the myths, Demeter and Persephone loved each other more than anything. Their reunion is so important - it marked the coming of spring and growth. A whole cult was dedicated to this for crying out loud. Yes, the myths were far from perfect, but the Persephone and Demeter myth showed the strength of a loving mother-daughter relationship with Demeter searching endlessly to find her child that was ripped away and had her innocence forcibly taken.

Now, RS is not the only author to make Demeter this over-bearing mother type in order to put more positivity onto the Hades-Persephone relationship. However, RS takes this trend to a whole new level - to the point where I would even consider it misogyny.

How is it, she takes this beautiful mother-daughter relationship and makes it out to be an abusive and controlling one, and then takes the Hades-Persephone relationship from a forceful one to a loving, perfect relationship with no problems? How is it ok to ruin one relationship to elevate another?

I understand that many versions of the myth try to downplay Hades' actions, and even make it so Persephone actually falls in love with him and there is no rape. But it doesn't change that this relationship was problematic, and meant to represent the loss of innocence.

Then fans have the gall to claim this comic is feminist and then claim on top of that that Demeter and Persephone's relationship was the same in the myth? These fans clearly don't know the myths, and neither does RS.

Making Hades a good person is fine. Changing it up a bit to make Persephone's loss of innocence something else is also fine. But ruining Demeter and Persephone's relationship? Especially when Persephone has to spend half the year with her? So horrible. 

2. im sorry, but rachel cant introduce KRONOS coming back and then dropping it for several episodes to focus on a stake-less trail and persephone not knowing what lingerie to seduce hades in. like thats too much of an earth shaking development and huge stake plot point to just ignore for months to focus instead on something as minor as hxp's relationship, which only points out a huge flaw: why is hxp's relationship so minor in this? isnt the whole point supposed to be about them?

3. I think LO completely dropped the ball over Hades’ characterization. 

From the first ep I thought ok, this is good, we have some bones to see he’s not that lucky in love and is just tired and lonely, and while ignoring the creepy actions towards Persephone, I thought ok, Artemis hates him, Hestia hates, even Ares hates him, maybe once Persephone finally sees the underworld and probably gets to know him it’ll be a clever twist and they’ll be proven wrong. The underworld will turn out to be fair and just, the citizens will love Hades, he’ll be revealed to be a good leader and king and not like his brothers, it’ll be like everyone saying Hades of myth isn’t actually that bad, and it’ll help reinforce why this sweet and bubbly Persephone wants him, she sees the real him, not the mean rumors and assumptions, this is perfect.

And then it just didn’t happen. The exact opposite happened, actually.

We’re shown the LO underworld is cruel and unjust, where the poor dead are forced into slavery and Hades created a harsh class divide with him and him only on top, the citizens hate him, the underworld gods don’t trust him and openly seem ok if he’s taken out of power, he’s not a good leader and king and doesn’t even want the job yet keeps it for his own ego and grip of power m, and on top of it all he is just like his brothers, if not worse. He loves to get violent over any little slight against him, he hoards wealth and resources to enrich himself while his citizens starve and struggle to survive, he’s corrupt, he controls all the media and laws to bend to his will, sleeps with his brothers wife for centuries behind his back while claiming to be holier than thou, he has sex with his secretaries who are made dependent on him for any way to survive, and now he lusts after his barely legal intern who is also now dependent on him for her way to survive, and that’s only what I remember off the top of my head.

LO perfectly set up to prove Hades isn’t the devil or the false pop culture assumption that he’s evil and to show some actual facts from myth, and yet Rachel only ended up reinforcing exactly that and even making him even worse with her made up ideas, all while thinking having Persephone ignore or excuse it somehow makes it not bad or even a good thing. It’s honestly kind of impressive just how bad of writing that actually is. 

4. Chapter 172 is not that interesting. It’s setup had me excited to see Hephaestus and Hera and learning more about echo, but it’s cut so short. Because again the story can’t leave HXP out for 2 seconds.

I can also see why Zeus is gonna go insane. 

5. i agree w/ other anon. LO should have pulled a PJO or a BoZ and just made up OCs and have them interact with the gods than whatever Rachel thinks shes doing, which is lying she's being accurate and faithful while completely changing all of it, removing what is needed, and adding what isnt so that it lines up with no actual myth besides like, various 50 shades fanfic she read in 2015 and some popular tumblr text posts.

6 . the animation studio behind blood of zeus literally can only draw one face for the men and one face for the women and they were still able to make the gods all look distinct and hot while LO can't even bother to use more than 6 colors and can only have the women look as tiny as possible with the biggest boobs while the men are all just lego men.

7. ////FP SPOILERS////

Okay so like I stopped reading LO way back before season 1 ended, and a majority of my knowledge of the series comes from what I read here on your blog which is enough for me lol and I decided to read the latest 5 chapters just to see what's up (on zahard. I refuse to give the actual series any views)

And I just. Could not take the whole scene with Daphne running from Apollo seriously? The anatomy and art inconsistency was so distracting that i genuinely could not find it serious. Even when Thanatos discovers her hibernated body I couldn't take it seriously because of how she looked?

And when Hades had that call (??? Was it a call? Or his inner dialogue? I couldn't really tell ngl) with Zeus and said he's causing Persephone unnecessary distress, and that she didn't pose any threat. B!tch??? She killed a ton of mortals??? She has no control over her powers???? She's literally a fugitive for the aforementioned things??? She apparently woke Kronos up? (Idk if anyone knows about that, again my knowledge only spans to whatever I read here) Hello????

And I have a lot to say about the chapters starting the trial but I'll only mention one thing; Hades saying "I don't think blindly supporting my little brother would be doing him any favours (as a ruler)" had me cackling. This is coming from a guy blindly supporting a girl he's literally only known for a few weeks, who's like what, only recently turned 20? Sit tf down Hades you're not cool, you creepy ass overgrown smurf.

Overall I still hate this series lmao. Regarding art though I feel like I wouldn't be so miffed about the anatomy much if the character designs were consistent and the story was compelling. They literally change hairstyles and body types frame by frame, and it's distracting.

The timeline from what I read here is laughable. 4 years in publication with almost 200 chapters and you're telling me only like a month has passed canonically. That's wild and such poor writing.

And as someone who literally will sympathise with any lead character pretty quickly, the story makes me hate them. It makes me want to root against them. I also hate the fact this trash is somehow top ranked on webtoons when so many other stories are far better then it.

Anyway, many thanks to this blog for existing and allowing me to dump so much text here to vent out my hate for this series lmao. You the mvp fam, hope you're having a good day 🥂🥂🥂

[lino-know]

Heyy how have you been lately? You havent posted for a while so i was wondering how you were? Dont feel pressured to write anything tho, if youre not in the mood coz thats completely understandable. Just prioritise your mental and physical health and thats enough to make us happy >:) i hope ur doing well tho!! Good luck for whatever youre doing and eat n sleep well <33

Hi nonnie <3

First of all merry Christmas and happy new year :)) I hope you have a good holiday or at least had a good time with family or friends!

Second of all thank you so so much for sending this <3 I really really needed this message and it came at the best possible time so thank you 😭

The reason why I was putting off answering this ask for so long was because I was thinking about how to go around it exactly. It crossed my mind briefly to do the 'I'm okay and there'll be updates soon!' thing but I know that's not going to be true and I'll just disappoint. So here's a breakdown of what's in my thought process and why I haven't really been writing anything for the past few months :) anyways this is going to be long so take a seat

The major, main reason that I haven't really written anything is life. I've just started my first year at university and while I have studied abroad before, uni is something I really need to get used to because time management is not my forte I tell you ☠️☠️ all academic things aside I'm just operating on a really bad life schedule at the moment which consists of sleeping at 3~5am, not having a social life and trying to make dysfunctionality an art form. Which is not healthy and please don't do this.

However, uni means that I'm also in a really fortunate position to explore some of my other interests, like writing in another medium and performing. Three months into tertiary education and I've already written and assistant directed a play and I really hope to keep going at this, which is why writing on Tumblr is taking a back seat on my priority list at the moment.

That said my creativity hasn't taken a blow (too big of one, anyways) so these are really just excuses tbh. But they do explain my chaotic lifestyle I call a schedule so yeah

Regarding this blog specifically though, I fully intend to get back to writing. I don't want to make any promises because I might just disappoint people anyways, but I do want to continue writing again :) there are just a few things that's stopping me from doing it.

The first is the reception. I know this is going to sound really bad/shallow but I do want to receive recognition for my work. Not even like followers or anything but notes or reblogs or even comments!! I can't reply to comments because this is a side blog but I love them. But yeah. Like obviously I know not posting for a long time and suddenly coming back is not a good equation to have notes all over your work, but the last time I took a break just kind of led to fewer and fewer reception on my blog until it kind of just flatlines. I know there are some of you guys out there who keep coming back and I really appreciate it <3 and I love you guys so much!! Whenever I see your username on my notifs it warms my heart 💕💕 But what I'm saying is I do need those breaks sometimes and when I do feel the motivation to continue writing again then it just gets like a note or two it just sucks :') especially when I look at my mutuals and they're celebrating a milestone - which is great for them and I'm happy they achieved so much!! - but personally it does sting a little. It's kind of trying to not get disappointed by not doing anything, which is a sucky attitude to have but that's one way I'm protecting myself.

Leading onto the reception thing is an...Interaction thing? I don't know if this even makes sense. But essentially I love how content creators keep their blogs going by interacting with followers and answering asks and stuff and I really want to do that too!! But maybe I just don't have enough stuff published or I don't seem as into skz as others do? There aren't many asks in my inbox and it's just sad for me personally :') Anyways yes hi this is seong self pitying hours what's new

My mental health also plays into this a little. I've been struggling with...A lot of issues and this also means that yes, sometimes I'm not in a headspace to write :') However it's not really the writing process so much as a combination of the two mentioned above. Yes, it's tough to write sometimes but when you see people liking your work it pays off. But without the reception or whatever the drain just keeps...going if you know what I mean? Like you don't get what you think you might get and it just sucks, a little. Obviously I don't write for attention - I write for the fandom and for skz but it's just nice to be acknowledged sometimes.

Going into more specific things - the first thing is about my feelings with skz. To clarify I have absolutely nothing against skz, it's just that I've kind of moved on about them. I haven't watched their videos for a long time and what I've heard about Christmas Evel is from that tiktok trend blasting itself all over my ig feed. I'm still in love with those guys, but it's more of a fond reminiscence rather than trying to get into whatever they're doing?? If that makes sense?? I know a lot of creators have continued to create for them in spite of this, but I feel like I might be unable to capture their actual personality in my works if I start writing now. I know it's technically fanfiction anyways but I just feel like I'm not doing them justice. Or maybe I have a perfect grasp of their personalities and my self esteem is just beating me over the head with a stick again. I don't know. But yeah, I still love skz. I saw Felix's purple hair and Hyunjin's very appropriate interaction with Changbin involving his ass *ahem* so I'm not entirely out of the loop. Just kind of distancing myself a lil

I guess this also involves my general attitude towards kpop now? For one thing it's not an active part of my life rn, and I don't really know much about other 4th gen groups like txt or enhyphen that I know other skz creators tend to write about adjacent to skz. This means that I don't really have much to write about other than skz on this, very skz-centred blog. And the thing about me is that I'm very actively interest-hopping around life right now. Currently I'm into Legend of Zelda, Andrew Garfield and astrology which doesn't really make much for content on this very kpop blog so I guess that's also why I'm so quiet. It's just my interests aren't really aligning with the content I usually produce so I'm just sat here ._.

Another thing also is the direction of this blog and the content I make. I know there's a mix of sfw and nsfw work here, and I've allowed minors onto this blog because of this reason. However I've also seen quite a number of minors interact with my nsfw posts even though I've specifically told y'all not to (just to clarify, you're allowed to consume my content. Just don't let me know you're doing it because I'm an adult now and the fact that you reblog it or like it makes me uncomfortable. That's literally it), and I'm hesitant to make this entirely 18+ and publish entirely 18+ work because I do want to include everyone in the fandom!! And also the fact that it's way more effort to write sexy stuff so sometimes the sfw stuff just lets me write without cringing at myself too much :) the angst also makes for a good outlet. But I guess the fact that I lean towards creating sfw content would mean less reception because most people on this site is horny :')

Anyways this has been a really really long post and there's no tldr for this, I'm sorry but you have to read it in full. But yes, thank you so so much for this ask nonnie you have no idea how much this means to me. I'm not doing too well at the moment but I fully intend to get my shit together sometime so hopefully I'll be able to write properly! And I hope you're eating and sleeping well too <3 also please someone reply to this long ass post haha haha I need attention :(

(I also didn't proofread this so if it sounds a bit wonky or it comes off the wrong way I'm so sorry :')

[haikyuu-matches]

🦚 3/3.) Um so I believe in soulmate. I'd like to have someone who can understand me and love me as a whole. Someone that will treasured me, spoiled me, basically just showered me with their love. Honest- loyal- funny- kind, those are the thing that I'm looking for in a partner. I'm a touch-starved person so I always want their full attention, I won't ask for it first tho- I'm just gonna wait and sulk 😅 Wheew thats it, hope you don't mind with long desc, thank youuu ❤ p.s : I can't anon this:(

🦚2/3). Move on to my personality, I'm an enfp, taurus and gryffindor. I love to talk, and yes I am loud (I can be sarcastic sometimes) 😅 Despite being a happy go around type of girl, I actually have a lot of insecurity. I hate myself and got depressed easily, but I'm good at hiding it behind my clownery haha. I love singing, playing games, sleeping and tarot reading. I'm shy to people that I found attractive and I'm a hopeless romantic. So to sum it up I am pretty childish wheeee 🤸🏻‍♀️

#🦚 1/3 ). Hey hey! can I ask for a romantic match up ? 🥺 I'm an 159cm omnisex asian girl. I'm chubby so I look smol. long black wavy hair and I always let it down. People say I look rude and cold so they are afraid to befriend me first (some even hates me for no reason), istg its only my resting bih face (but yes I can fight, verbally and physically.) I don't care about style or brand, I only wear comfortable clothes that looks good on me. I love perfume, so yes I smelled good.

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

hey, you lovely bean !  just wanna say that i’m so grateful for your patience & i truly hope you like your match !!  (´｡• ▽ •｡`)

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

i match you up with . . . 𝐊𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐎 𝐓𝐄𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐎𝐔 !!

firstly, i just want to say that i really think you’d fit kuroo’s type -- with your long wavy hair & your smol stature. right off the bat, he’d think you’re adorable.

the fact you smell good all the time?? like, not to be creepy but he legit can tell when you’re around because he notices the exact perfume you’re sporting (he’s observant like that) & honestly the scent becomes comforting to him-- 

i headcanon that once you guys become that cute couple, he will for sure initiate that back hug, which consists of him pulling you, from behind, so very close to him & the next thing you know, he’s resting his chin on your shoulder, nuzzling you & slightly breathing in your scent at the same time??

you smell irresistible okay, how could he not-

on a different note, kuroo is the type to look beyond any preconceptions surrounding anyone, including you; he has high interpersonal intelligence (surprise surprise jk), so he’ll disregard any badmouthing & see for himself who you truly are. like, people hating others before they even know them? yeah, that’s lame. 

to sum it up, kuroo doesn’t regret meeting you. he’s still a little taken aback by the fact that people are hating you & saying you look rude ‘n cold?? just . . . how is that possible? last he checked, you seemed shy. . . at least to him, but overall, a total happy-go-lucky sort of girl!

in all reality, maybe you do have a resting bih face, but the thing is he’s kind of immune to that? kuroo doesn’t really take it as you look irritated; he’s used to kenma’s apathetic-looking face & he knows that sometimes people can’t help but look the way they do? he concludes that even if you did have a rbf, it’s unintentional & doesn’t represent you as a whole by any means.

he’s not one to judge appearances anyway-- he gets a lot of shade thrown his way for his “rooster head” & the belief he’s a “sly and scheming captain.” he can relate to the fact of being kinder or just overall different than what the exterior image seems to show. with that said, however, he will be mildly surprised by the fact you can fight?? in his book, that’s pretty neat & he’ll probably try to flirt by saying he can fight, too. fight for you that is- 

back to the topic of appearances, even if you do see yourself as “chubby”, kuroo would shower you with love regardless. 

kuroo doesn’t discriminate & he’d treat you like a queen that you are. you’re looking for someone who will treasure you? spoil you? understand you? just love you for all that you are worth?? look no further, kuroo is your guy !!

kuroo really checks off all your boxes for what you’re looking for in a partner because he’ll definitely make you feel whole. also taurus x scorpio is cute. as mentioned before, he’s observant & while he’s not, by any means, perfect, he’ll strive to put you first & put a smile on your face. 

he’s still kuroo, so i mean, at times it’ll be a trial and error kind of thing (perhaps his provoking nature being the perpetrator in fights), but he’s more intuitive than he may appear?? so, he’ll reconcile & apologize when it’s needed; he’s not that kind of prideful to refuse to talk things out.

kuroo will also take note of your insecurity & how you use your clownery as a mechanism to hide this aspect of yourself. you best believe he will be that supportive boyfriend. especially when it’s just the two of you, he won’t hesitate in speaking his truths whether it be saying how you’re amazing and you’re beautiful and he’s so lucky to have you or just gushing about your overall being, from your endearing personality to your cool hobbies (like the fact you sing?? so darn impressive--)

he’s actually more sweet than people give him credit for--

in any case, he simps hard when you’re smiling or just laughing or just have that joyful look on your face-- he wants you to always be in happy spirits. . . at the very least when you’re around him, but for now, he’ll lightheartedly tease you & basically relish in you fighting back with your own words & sarcastic comments.

it’s his funny way of showing that he cares about you.

you two never shut up by the way. like, the art of conversation? you guys take it to the next level. you probably engage in the most randomest of conversations, and yet you two just don’t tire of speaking to one another?? like the flow of conversation just works with you two & you’ll find yourselves talking for hours but it feels like not a minute has past! 

this is probably due to kuroo being like a lowkey nerd with big-brain tendencies & you being so gifted at talking (because you love doing so).

side note, kuroo will even be open to talking about tarot cards with you despite his initial suspicion- it just goes to show he’s not that well-versed in the subject, but he’d be eager to learn since you’re into that.

since you won’t outwardly ask for affection or attention, he’ll end up picking up on those small cues over time. if you seem at all restless or have that sulking expression, he’d have that smirk of his grace his features because you look so flipping cute. but not to fear, he’ll then be quick to draw you in for a cuddle sesh if you’re hanging at home or if you’re out in public, he doesn’t mind initiating that kind of pda where he just embraces you, wrapping his arms around you tightly because it’s a way for him to showcase how much he truly loves you.

do it back to him & he melts-- he’ll basically combust if you surprise him like that because he doesn’t realize how much he loves you showing your affection toward him, with his heart beating irregularly and such. 

i feel like kuroo can be kind of doting?? even if you’re pretty childish, he honestly wouldn’t mind because you just give him a sense of purpose. like, he can naturally fulfill the role of protecting you & giving you the love you deserve. it’s not to say he’ll baby you per say, but he harbors a sense of protectiveness when it comes to you, which he may not even realize at first.

basically, under the veneer of his teasing personality lies his caring & warm nature. the kind that you are looking for!

he’s totally soft for you & he’ll admit that he would probably do anything for you if you’d say the word. 

you probably won’t (at least at first), but that’s okay because he’ll figure it out.

honestly your relationship with kuroo would just consist of you two hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, and just doing those cute couple things. you two probably learn new things about each other every day... but anyway, you two could honestly just be out and about & people will be out here jealous of that because you two look like soulmates adjksdljgl. it’d be so cute !

possible runner-ups:

daichi sawamura

osamu miya

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— lily ! ♡

[townpea04]

60+ Tarot Analysis Suggestions

On this event, they offer 3 minutes free of cost, despite the picked solution. Simply put, you can pick a tarot card reading for love, a psychic chat, and even a fortune-telling session if thats what you desire. Although they ask for your charge card details, they just bill you after your session finishes. One of the most important tarot pattern utilized in these two nations was the Tarot of Marseilles of Milanese beginning. The oldest enduring tarot cards are the 15 approximately Visconti-Sforza tarot card decks repainted in the mid-15th century for the rulers of the Duchy of Milan. He described a 60-card deck with 16 cards having photos of the Roman gods as well as fits depicting four sort of birds. Various other very early decks that also showcased classic concepts consist of the Sola-Busca and Boiardo-Viti decks of the 1490s. Next to the usage of tarot card cards to divine for others by expert cartomancers, tarot is likewise used commonly as a gadget for looking for individual advice and also spiritual growth. You can think of a tarot card reading as a method to inform your life story, consisting of the parts that haven't happened yet. The reading won't be quite as specific as your favored publication, yet it will certainly be all about you. You're the story's main personality, though the tarot tale probably includes details about the people and also circumstances around you. This company has stayed in business because 1989, providing extremely precise psychic analyses by conversation, phone, and live video clip. They enable you to choose based on understanding the context. To further understand just how tarot cards job and how they can help clarify your love life, you shouldnt ask closed-ended inquiries. Also a easy free love tarot card analysis can offer you really useful information. You can get to a greater understanding when it comes to elements that affect your past, existing, as well as future partnerships. Read on to learn just how psychic support can work in your favor. Every deck has its very own subtleties, and every reader has their very own analyses. I was hence determined asked him to select a card for me after my meeting-- something I might focus on or learn from. He 'd supposedly been doing cost-free tarot card readings at a French café for many years; as lately as 2017, a Facebook customer posted that he still appeared on Wednesdays, as did a TripAdvisor customer. At its the majority of basic, tarot tells tales about the cycles of our lives. Mixing the deck, choosing cards and also laying them out in order discloses what different tests as well as adversities we might encounter during any type of provided trip. Nonetheless, the cards in the significant arcana don't always represent us in a offered analysis; they could represent someone else in our lives, or signify even more general concerns. Tarot is a intricate language, as well as every analysis is different; in a similar way, every reader and also the technique they use to interpret the method the cards connect is various. This is one of the a lot more diverse sites totally free tarot card readings online. You do not need to use them for each reading, yet it's a good way to start while you learn about the cards. One of the easiest analyses you can use to familiarize yourself with the cards is the past, existing, future spread. Take the leading card from your shuffled deck, and expose them one at a time, left to right. While you shuffle, assume carefully concerning the location of your life in which you 'd like more quality for. Practitioners usually believe tarot card cards can assist the specific explore one's spiritual path. Specialist fortuneteller contend times been implicated of charlatanism. Mystical use the Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot card was also promoted in the jobs of Eden Gray, whose 3 publications on the tarot card made considerable use of the deck. With https://tarot-masters.com using an e-mail address, you will not get the benefit of hearing the person's voice or seeing their face, however you do get to take your time with the discussion in such a way that's unrushed. With e-mail, you do not have to await the psychic to be on-line and readily available to speak with you. Instead, send an email inquiry whenever the state of mind strikes, and also your consultant will certainly create back to your email address as soon as they can. With complimentary analyses, you'll usually have to part with your credit card information as well as an e-mail address to access the solutions.

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He pulled a deck from his breast pocket-- apparently, he carries the significant arcana from the Marseille deck with him anywhere-- and selected The Lovers card. Every person normally gets delighted when The Lovers turns up in a reading, because most of us presume that it means advantages for our love life; but it doesn't always show romantic love in any way. While they are an online analysis service and also can chat, they primarily do tarot readings by phone. While that goes over by itself, what really sticks out about this network is the experience of the tarot card masters you discover there. They provide insightful analyses that utilize the tarot card as a tool to divine details concerning a person's circumstances. They have actually developed tarot checking out to the point of it being an art kind and also I've always found out more about myself as well as just how to browse my present life scenario from spending time on the site. 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This is since tarot cards can help you clear up the subject, not tell you what to do. Many people advise the Rider-Waite deck for novices, as the cards' meanings are so frequently user-friendly-- and when they're not, lots of analysis overviews exist in books and also online. Many decks, consisting of the Rider-Waite, come with a little sheet of paper specifying each of the card's most typical analyses. Though tarot cards have taken on a mystical definition in the cultural imagination, they were initially planned as even more of a parlor game. The cards have been utilized given that a minimum of the mid-15th century; the earliest tape-recorded decks came from different parts of Italy. I think I can help you comprehend the hidden significance of points. Our complimentary tarot card readings need to allow you to recognize your future better and also recognize what awaits you. 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Out of the 78 cards, there are 22 significant Arcana cards that stand for the karmic as well as spiritual lessons of a person's life. The 56 Minor Arcana cards symbolize the adversities and tests that we, as human beings, face in our day-to-days live. Amongst the Minor Arcana cards, there are 16 Tarot Card Court Cards which stand for 16 various personality traits that we share at different times.

[boof-kun]

All of the sweet n soft asks uwu

@bicep-naruto thanks for the ask ;)

sweet- what’s your favorite type of candy - mm i really like sour candy and ones that are a bit spicy like hot tamales.

smooth- do you like classical music - yeah i dont go out of my way to listen to it but it does sound nice and relaxing for the most part 

baby- do you want to be a parent - not really. theres no way id be able to handle a child for the amount of time it takes but if i were to have a kid id adopt one whos a preteen/teen. tbh i think im just going to get some dogs/cats/other animal to be a “parent” of

courage- are you a strong athlete - n o. im alright at certain physical activities but in general i am Weak

lovely- what’s the adjective you use when people ask “how are you” - i usually go with “im good/alright”

cutie- what’s your favorite orange thing - mmmmm maybe sunsets or flowers? or maybe orange cats?

skin- do you want any tattoos - i do! im not sure if id ever actually get one though. if i did itd be somewhere thats usually covered up

pictures- is art important to you in any way - yep! i dont take creating art very seriously since its more of a hobby. however i really enjoy looking at/reading other peoples work!

stars- use one word to describe space - mysterious? captivating? i cant think of the perfect word but itd be something along those lines

religion- do you practice religion - what religion if so - you already know bb ;))

one- are you a competitive person - in general, no. occasionally ill get really into something and spend way too much time trying to be the best i possibly can. when i get to that point i drop that activity completely bc its tiring and i just lose interest

makeup- what is your most heavily used makeup product - i dont wear makeup ;(

sheets- how many blankets do you sleep with - one thicc boi and sometimes ill have a smaller blanket just.. there.

chalk- what subject are you best at in school - tbh it changes every year but im consistently good at history

blush- are you easily embarrassed - yeah id say so. i also feel secondhand embarrassment a lot, though i usually feel that when reading/watching something. in that case i have to stop reading/watching to prepare myself before continuing ;((

water- when was the last time you cried - at around one this morning

karma- do you believe in luck - i do think that if youre a terrible person its going to screw you over one way or another and if youre a good person youll also benefit from that in ways you might never even notice. however i dont believe in the sort of luck tied to superstition (like if you carry x charm youll have better luck but if you see x animal youll have worse luck)

lips- what is your favorite thing to taste - i cant think of anything in particular but i do like tasting things that leave a nice aftertaste

cupcake- cookies, pie, ice cream or cake - ill have to go with ice cream but cookies are a close second

music- list your 3 favorite bands or artists - i dont listen to any bands or artists in particular ;(((

night- how many hours of sleep do you get - when i dont have to go to school in the morning i get around 9 but when i have school its closer to 6

smile- how was your day today - it was alright :) i didnt do much today tbh

[questionairesforme]

Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance? i'm terribly aware of it, sometimes that can make it difficult to find the point in staying alive. i can hardly imagine anyone who's not bothered by this tbh, doesn't it make everything we do sort of pointless?

Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? i definitely do. i long for something more.

Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? honestly, i don't know. i certainly dont think there is one specific person for everyone but i guess it only makes sense that everybody's got several peopple they feel comfortable with and are a perfect fit. the question is, will they ever meet one of them?

Do you place any value in gender roles? no

Do you have to be related to be family? no, family is so much more than that.

Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? definitely. some even more so.

Are you in love? Do you want to be? i am. i'm not sure if i want to be.

Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation? i find it difficult to see differences between platonic and romantic love, especially when a romantic relationship went on for a while. ig the feelings are mostly the same, you just choose to express them in different ways.

Would you be happy with a life without romance? idk i guess i'd start longing for it eventually.

Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody? yea

Would you change your appearance if you could? hell yes

Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.? i have never thought of it that way but it makes total sense to me

Do you think you’re special, or just another person amongst billions? Can you be both? just another person

Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? i dont think i ever had any

Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? no

If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? i sometimes do. i imagine its quite reassuring to believe in some greater power and it might make life seem more meaningful

Do you want a grand adventure? yes please but also i'm scared to leave the house

Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different? yes

Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both? I DONT KNOW why would u ask that. ig it is mainly about convenience in the end

Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality? nah. does anyone ever really understand?

What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far? idk

Are you afraid of growing old? yea. i don't wanna do that, man

Would you want to live forever? How about for a billion years, a million, a millennium, a century? NO

Do you believe in some form of god/s? no

Are your choices fated or of your own free will? free will. however, i really cant shake the feeling that there is some greater scheme behind all of it

Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? oh yes

Do you believe in star signs? nah

How old do you have to be to be considered an adult? id sure like to know

Was your childhood happy? i wouldn't say i was a happy child. too much trauma to deal with.

What are you missing from your life? happiness, purpose.

Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along? yes. we did get along until she stopped talking to me for no apparent reason.

Do opposites attract? thats a tough one.

Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago? dude i never planned this far ahead

Do you know what you want out of life? no. to be happy, i suppose

What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’? caring for others, having their best interest in mind, being honest

What fundamentally matters do you? honesty, trust, friendship, family, relationships

Is freewill an illusion? dude idk

Do you create art? How do you define art? art is anything you want it to be. i used to create art but i don't anymore

How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful? id say im generally truthful as i consider lying to be bad. however, i do lie to protect others (or myself in rather irrelevant situations)

Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for? of course i don't want everyone to immediately forget me, i'd love it if sometimes they thought of me when a certain song comes on

Is true world peace ever possible? not as long as humans exists

Are you free? Will you ever be? Can anyone be truly free? No. I am bound by financial, time and space constraints.

Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? yes, sometimes i do

What do you expect from a friend or partner? honesty, loyalty, communication, being on equal footing, trust

What question could you ask to find out the most about a person? people are not truthful enough for this

Do you justify all your beliefs or have you just inherited/absorbed some? i mean... i do like to have some sort of truth and facts to back up my believes?

Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? human beings are inherently good

Can human really understand the complete nature of the universe, space and time? no, under no circumstance

Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing? definitely. why wouldnt we be? what else is there to distract us from our cosmic insignificance and how pointless this life actually is? if we didnt try to escape we would have all committed suicide by now lol. that wouldnt be such a bad thing tho i guess

Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity? no, there will always be partially new elements

Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? are times ever not strange and tumultuous

Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them? hell nah. i even hate seeing only parts of myself in others lol

How confident are you, really? idk not very confident id say

How consistent is your perception of time? dude dont get me started

What age should people be allowed to vote? Should children and teenagers be allowed to vote? i feel like for teenagers age shouldnt matter, it would be more useful to quiz them to assess whether they understand the power they are given by voting

How do you feel about monogamy? i prefer monogamous relationships.

Can you be in love with someone and still fall in love with someone else? yes

What’s the tragedy of your life? i have been given so much but my mind wont let me appreciate any of it

Would your life make a good play? nah

Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? no

Do you believe in gender equality in every aspect? uh, of course i do?

Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent? i think we do.

Do you crave approval and/or praise? i guess i do to an extent

Are you ever going to be satisfied? dont think so

When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? i usually listen to aggressive music to change my mood lol

Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time? by mood

Would you marry a friend if they needed you to (e.g. for citizenship)? yes

Are you a deep person? i'm shallow even though i don't mean to be

Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? no

Are you who people think you are? no but i am even a mystery onto myself lmao

Do you think you would be happier if you had been born a different gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality or religion? no

What’s your toxic trait? Are you trying to improve yourself and fix it? i can be controlling, i'm trying to be better

Do you anger easily? yes

Are you a jealous person? yea tho usually in non-romantic relationships

If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? no?

Given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it? whats the point

Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate? i guess it can be. i have never felt hate like that. only towards ppl i have never met

Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn? i speak english and german. i dream in german, during my time abroad i did start to dream in english occasionally tho lol. if it didnt take any time or effort i would love to learn alll the languages. especially spanish and russian i guess

Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them? usually i overthink them lol

How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately? unconditionally

Is unrequited love real love? sure? feelings do not become real only if they're reciprocated? lol. of course it probably cannot be as profound as the love you feel for someone you've been with for some time

Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you? no

Are you overly analytical? no

Do you ever feel that you are really a terrible person, and only act good out of societal or some other obligation? not really, no

Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious? i don't believe in magic. i am a little stitious.

[thefairygodmonster]

I really look up to your art and I have a question.. have you ever balanced a fulltime non-art related job while finding time to draw consistently? I can't find any time to draw anymore and it hurts feeling like I'm regressing & going nowhere as an artist...

Last year I actually quit a full time job at a car insurance company as an insurance adjuster. I had been there a full year. It was never a job I wanted nor one I thought I’d ever consider but my previous art job was only part time and couldnt pay the bills and my rent was about to go up.

It was an incredibly degrading and stressful job. We were overworked, understaffed, constantly doing overtime, skipping breaks, coming in sick (we were scrutinized heavily on taking sick days), verbally abused by clients over the phone on a daily basis, and being pushed to get good reviews by our clients while being pushed to resolve their claim as soon as possible. It was awful.

Honestly the only thing that kept me from completely shutting down (I got close) was managing to just doodle anything, something, on napkins, scratch paper, or post it notes. They were usually nothing special in terms of doodling but I would take what I could get. I usually came home too exhausted to really work on anything big. Sometimes I’d have the motivation to work on bigger stuff because I just needed to do something to get out of this job but oftentimes I just wanted to come home and do nothing.

It was a good paying job though, after a year I managed to save up a good chunk of money so I was able to quit and live off some of those savings while I tried to update my portfolio and look for work in animation.

I know a lot of stories of artists in the industry sound glamorous, people go to art school, get an internship, start working at a big name studio right after college. However, thats a really rare case for the most part. A lot of people I know are where you are, with full time jobs, having to support themselves and thats not a bad thing at all. Its very important you’re able to take care of yourself. Its honorable and you got to do what you can do. If you can find any time to just draw in a small sketchbook, scribble etc. Just do what you can to work towards your art.The cool thing about art is its not going anywhere so you have lots of time to develop as an artist, dont try to force yourself to make some deadline if its going to be at the cost of your health and wellbeing. Im still trying to get that more secure job and thats okay! You’ll get there too. Hang in there!

[ikkydikky]

Here it comes! Time for an end of the year “Here’s what I drew this year” list. Mainly just to archive my art now for future’s sake and tell myself my thought process and how I felt about it now.

I’m skipping over sketches and going straight to stuff that was finished and polished and I’ll explain each image as we go. Buckle up boys its going to be a long one. 

We’re going to go to the first image I did this year and explain how things went from there!

Drawing #1, Scrubbed off Katia Managan 

March 3rd 2017

Art is actually kind of hard when you don’t know what form, line consistency, anatomy, or any of those things are! In fact I only know about two of them right now! And how to put into practice one of them! This image shows what its really like to start out with base-nothing. The idea is cute! And I’ll probably redo it later on when I am probably a years worth better. It marks however the first thing I really posted online. To me, that makes it special.

Drawing #2, Sigrid, but smug.

September 9th, 2017

BIG gap between the two! And not a lot of improvement, or maybe a lot of improvement? Who knows. I think this image was the first thing I did digitally that I put up for other people to see, and it was exciting! There’s absolutely no construction to this. Prior to this image being done I was basically drawing people’s heads and circles. Like, pages upon pages of circle grinding to actually know how to draw a circle digitally.

The main reason why there was such a gap between March and September was due to me graduating high school. I basically didn’t feel like drawing at all when I already had the work load of school ontop of me. But the art starts coming a lot faster now. Yes you can see there was a huge prequel influence. 

Drawing #3, Blushin Bob

September 29th, 2017

Art is something that you can really do a lot of, but you can easily get burnt out on. Animal crossing is actually one of my favorite games out there, and to try to pay tribute I drew this. Not uh, not exactly my favorite. 

This image has me trying basically 3 new things I’ve never done before. Shading, clothes, fur tufts, and bodies. Yeah. Not exactly my best job at any of those. The shadows are, very inconsistent and its clear I didn’t really know how to do it properly. The fur is atrocious with it looking like spiked tumors, and the shirt rides up way too high like hes wearing a shirt thats way too short! Also he might be a bit too skinny. 

This is kind of an image that broke me. At the time I was trying to fix every error when I just couldn’t, from the arm in the first attempt being god awful, to how the shading and shirt looks. I genuinely think this is the worst image in my library, and I knew it at the time since I drew nothing for all of October. You know. The month that’s meant to be the most inspiring artistically?

Drawing #4, Gondola The Peaceful Giant

November 12th, 2017

This was actually just a shitty paint up I did of a sketch practicing perspective. It was mainly for a draw thread on 8chan’s /v/ and probably my only work I’ve posted to an image board. I think generally doing art for anonymous people is a bit thankless. Its great for practicing but it really gives back no validation.

Keep in your memory these clouds, I’ll be talking about those later. 

Drawing #5, Bunny, The space mechanic.

November 12th, 2017

This character was a mistake, not the drawing but the character! This is my first actual tabletop character and boy I flubbed it. But this is art retrospective. Not roleplay retrospective. Anyway. A portrait done with a new pen style that I don’t think worked out too well. It comes off a bit too rough and gritty. But it makes for unique coloring when it comes to painting. I’ll actually have some more to say about that in a bit too! This also marks the point where I really got into drawing again. See. The table top group I’m in rewards you for drawing pictures of your characters, no matter how shitty it is, as long as you do your best, you get a reward in game. Its actually a really, really neat system!

Drawing #6, Oh dear god why.

November 16th, 2017

This is going to be a reoccurring character, so. Lets get to talking about it here. This character was as far as I know, a joke character made by a friend that got turned into a full blown character for a campaign, she is nonsensical, random, actually crazy, and worst of all, vibrantly colored. She is the Deviant Art Sparkledog as a character. Which funny enough, is her character name. This was my first attempt at really going ‘sexy’ and ‘nude’. And actually I think Sparkledog is a perfect candidate for it because its already cringy and god awful to look at! So it hides my bad attempts at a sexy lady behind an already cringy character. Thanks friend.

Anyway to talk about the art its self. It was done with no ref or pose. And I think it kind of shows. Everything’s proportionate to a degree but something about the perspective of the whole thing feels... off. Of course the background is just slapped together with glue but I mean on the character. She’s laying on the ground but not in a way that I think is possible or comfortable.

This also goes as my second attempt at fur, it’s, better. But definitely not good. Ontop of that this is probably my first attempt at an actual muzzle! Pic below related.

Muzzles are really hard to do. For some reason. If you ever read Loomis’ Fun with a Pencil it becomes slightly easier, but it also kind of isn’t. A month later and I still struggle with them, A lot of my joke sketches I often forgo any sort of attempt at drawing a muzzle and go for round head shapes, this works out if the character’s species is a prey type, as the eyes for herbivores are often on the side of the head, while for predators, its facing dead ahead. On another note, apparently I can just *do legs* with almost ease. I’ll touch on this more in a bit.

Drawing #7, A background for the end.

December 2nd, 2017

Tabletop is a wonderful thing, art groups are also an amazing experience to ever be apart of. The group I’ve been with has been an amazing experience for me artistically as I’ve learned to grow so much more. This is an image I did as soon as I woke up on my birthday. Friend A. did the character sketch. Friend b. did the coloring of the characters, and I got to practice something that I’ve wanted to do for ages.

Environmental art.

Ontop of character art and such, one thing that always draws my attention is environment art. Its something you can always get lost in. Your eyes can search to every corner imagining what it would be like to be there. Genuinely amazing works of art is often environment art. 

Its also time we talk about the clouds. I hope you remembered them from the gondola picture. See. Clouds are all about layers, and layers, and layers. Especially when done in a thunder storm. They’re something I might recommend painting if you ever want to start out! I do however think the clouds in the gondola image work a lot better. But I think that might be from the several things I did to trick myself to think they look better.

 And that’s all there really is to say on this image. Which is a problem. I learned a bit more about perspective and how floors work when under character’s feet... and how to do lightning kind of. But there isn’t much else. If I were to do this more I’d probably add another cliff to the background. A mountain, a landscape just beyond the fog, because it seems unfinished as it stands. 

Drawing #8, Oh dear god why, Revengeance.

December 5th? 2017

Probably the only unfinished image that gets posted! So lets talk about it. I think fur is my least favorite detail to make ever.Yet it also is my favorite when its done. The tail also might not be the best but its league’s better than my first attempt! But lets talk about the main thing about this image.

PAWS.

I don’t have a thing for paws, or feet, that’s not my kink. I think footjobs are sort of appealing sure but I don’t care much for it. so this was my first attempt at paws, and I think I did damn well. However, digitigrade legs are something I still have an issue with, and I am working towards fixing that. I don’t think furry characters look great when their legs are humans, but with paws. As well I think legs are the easiest part of the body to draw in some ways, that might just be me.

The face also is a bit of a mistake? Its better than its.. original incarnation...

[NOT EVEN THE DEAD KNOW PEACE FROM THIS EVIL]

Animal faces with human features is the proper way to do things, but human faces with animal features is... Hell incarnate.

Also that ass took me like 30 tries to get right god damn. 

Drawing #9, The last hoot for today.

December 18th, 2017

The last one for today. Some point after Christmas I’ll post probably another three drawings. But this is the final one. Lets talk about a few things about myself.

Art style is all about inspiration. You pick up inspiration from everywhere. Specifically from art styles you really, genuinely enjoy. You might have noticed the art style at first was I Wanna Be The Kazerad and then to something completely different from Kazerad but not distinct from anyone else. This is the process I think to finding your own art style. Emulation.

You might also noticed I ditched aliased (pixely) lines in favor of smooth lines, this was because I was having a tiny issue with drawing at large scale. For some reason I always liked zooming in real close on my 2000x2000 canvas and drawing tiny little things. The bunny picture is a really good example of this. He only took up the tiny corner of my much, much larger canvas. Speaking of his part of this post, lets get into color.

There’s been 3 ways I colored things, the first was plain flats, second was with a sort of homemade crayon brush (Ala Bunny and Gondola), and third was a unique way in how I did the eyes of this image. Looking at them closer you can see theres, actually a lot of rich detail in them!

This was a pretty easy thing to do and it has such amazing results that, I want to do a full image using it just to try it. For how I did it, I use krita, and how it handles gigantic brushes is like most art programs, by automatically raising the spacing between each ‘use’ (for a lack of a better term.)

Here’s what the blue part looks like with a white background behind it and the layer count to make this beside it. (Only one of them visible.)

It also kind of hits close to to another artist I’ve been following pretty closely as of lately. (And more recently on tumblr.)

You might not have heard of @jamdrawers , and you should definitely check them out if you haven’t. They are someone who, in my eyes, has such a wonderful art style. Other artists that do a style with pixelly, aliased lines don’t even come close in my opinion. I bring jam up here because of a few things, the art style he presents has thoroughly inspired me to pick back up trying to draw in aliased lines again, and because going forward I’ll continue looking to him for inspiration. Also if you read this jam tell winrarphile I said thanks for getting me into your art. 

Now, when it comes to the owl its self. I regret not adding a thicker outline to all of her character, and instead kept it to just the head shape, as well I do think she comes out a bit bland. Of course color wise its to keep in theme with the rest of the table top groups color theme. But outline wise? Definitely needs work. I tried a ‘hair style’ for her but that didn’t really work out either. So I kept it to the three feathers at the top of the head. I also think I spent more time on this image than I did any other, to quote myself “I’ll finish this owl up in about an hour or two”, which quickly lead to 8 days instead, just through procrastination.

Don’t do something in art if you really don’t want to do it. You can easily, easily get fatigued and burnt out with out delay, but among this procrastination came other sketches that, I don’t think I’ll post here, but helped me learn hands somewhat. So there is that.

Thus ends this posts governing topic. If you read this whole thing, good job. If you didn’t and skimmed to the end. That’s fine too! I understand I got a bit wordy but, I genuinely wanted to lay out my thoughts about all this.

In conclusion, I think the rate at which I’m getting better is decent, Mistakes are being ironed out each new drawing I take on. Each study and figure drawing adds onto the many experiences I’ll use for later in my artistic career, and I think the rate at which I’m drawing is far too slow for my own tastes, as such its a goal for the upcoming year to get a lot faster with finishing each drawing so I can quickly move onto the next. Thank you for reading this.

Have a noid chewin’ some pizza as a reward for coming down to the end.

[magpiebones]

Upgradeing LARP Makeup

Welp, here is the results of my fact finding mission...

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Hallo- I wanted to get some info out there for the heavy makeup folks (In larp). (Warning, long)

I had the opportunity recently to go and do some info hunting on high-durability makeups and I think this info might be pretty important for larpers. I know some stuff, and suspected some stuff, but thats not the same as having it confirmed from proffessionals. Im still really only a novice makeup artist (Im a mask maker for a reason…) and I wanted to go and get some real solid statements on what the most resilient solutions are out there in the film industry in terms of makeup- yanno, what would fit the bill for the demands of larping- particularly active ones like DR and other combat games . I was able to go out to this thing in Pasadena called Monsterpalooza- some friends had great things to say about it so I decided this would be the year Id go. Basically this convention is entirely dedicated to practical effects, makeup, monsters, creatures and all that that implies… So lots and lots of industry people and companies show up to talk about their stuff do demos and answer questions.

The info I got out of the mission breaks into two parts: Adhesives (for sticking things to other things, like your body) and Paint(for color work)

Towards adhesives, and I know some people are gonna grumble about this: Every makeup artist I talked to had a distinct hatred for spirit gum -except- for certain conditions pertaining to applying crepe hair. Spiritgum, by nature, dries brittle, its not elastic, and its tackiness is fairly low. Because its movement WITH the skin is sorta limited, and is more inclined to break rather than bend, it breaks down faster- and breaks down prosthetics faster too.

The primary product that was advised for attatching prosthetics was Pros-aide. It is a water based adhesive good for Foam latex and latex appliances. It dries flexible and is incredibly strong. It comes in several incarnations- the original needs to be powdered, no-tack dosnt, and it also comes in a thick paste variety that can be used for blending edges. You sortof spackle a small amount in and then use brushes and sponges to hide the seam between your skin and your appliance before you lay down your color work. What you want to do is apply a THIN thin layer to clean skin, and a thin thin layer to your prosthetic, let them dry enough to get tacky, then set the prosthetic onto the skin- voila.

The second most spoken about product was the Telesis line of adhesives by PPI- these are silicone based and are mostly used on silicone prosthetics. They produce one variety that is evidently particularly good for lace-front wigs because it dries very matte. Like the Pros-aide this product also dries flexible. Both of these products are available from a very wide variety of FX makeup sellers- Pros-aide is actually not a ton much more expensive than spirit gum but Telesis is in fact pretty expensive so I dont know how terribly much mileage it will give an active larper.

Getting into paint/color work, there were an awful lot of products but the two big items were PAX, and alcohol-activated makeups.

PAX is a generic term for Pros-aide mixed with liquitex acrylic paint (… if you are a bad person you can actually get away with using ANY acrylic paint in a pinch but the higher the density of pigment, the better…)Here is a history on PAX and why it is important to the FX industry.  http://fx.wikia.com/wiki/PAX

Speaking with a couple of artists on this- they actually say you can get away with a 60/40 paint-to-pros-aide ratio but I really dont think you -need- to push it, pros-aide dries clear anyway so the paint shows readily and 50-50 or a little less paint that generally seems fine as a mix. You can thin it with water and you can run it through an airbrush too. You can submerge this makeup and have it stay, you can beat it up quite a bit and if you arent directly scrubbing at it, it will stick with you for a long, long time (possibly days… wich is good for larp) because it has that elastic adhesive nature as provided by the Pros-aide in it. You can make it yourself, at home or on the fly if you have the stuff in your kit OR you can buy it pre-formulated from different places in bottles… good if you want to be real consistent with the coverage of a given color but its cheaper to make your own. The downside is that this stuff should NOT be used on or immediately around the eyes… mostly for concern about getting it IN the eyes… and getting it off from that close a proximity to the eyes. You dont want remover in your eyes.

On top of this, for those of you who simply have really really oily skin or sweat terribly, if you lay down a 50/50 wash of Pros-aide and water down first (clean the skin really well before that) it performas as a good barrier layer. One artist noted that he worked on a couple different- PARTICULARLY GROSSLY SWEATY actors on sets in the south in the height of summer and this helpt with both paint retention on the skin, but also help keep prosthetics on better too (wigs, noses, ears) - It can even be used for covering eyebrows https://brittanymademepretty.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/bye-bye-brows/

The other option- and there are products sold by PPI (Skin Illustrator) and European Body art and I think Wolffe brand has a line of it too now that are makesup that are sortof like… plastic activated by 99% alcohol in the same way you use water on watercolor paint. This type of makeup also comes in liquid form in bottles for airbrush application… wich is really where it shines the best. Its really interesting stuff and because it is alcohol soluable- you really cant do much to get it off short of use a remover or wait for your body oils to get rid of it over the course of- maybe up to a week if you are a fairly dry skinned person. It is INTENSE stuff and the only problem with it is that it can be harsh on the skin and it ALSO should -not- be used on or around the eyes. Like at all. Ever. Even more so than the prosaide…. You dont want 99% alcohol in your eyes to get this stuff off… you could go blind.

Both pax and Alcohol based makeups can be used on top of most types of latex or foam latex prosthetics- pax is OK on silicone prosthetics but realy the appeal of silicone prosthetics is the translucency so the alcohol has a bit more shine there since it can be applied in glazed, translucent layers where the pax has a harder time of accomplishing that believably. Both demand a remover- PAX however is cheaper than the alcohol based makeups by far and will probably do more service to the average larper needing a lot of coverage in the long run. Either one will call for additional water or cream based makeups if coverage is required immediately on or around the eyes.

So there it is, I hope this information is useful to folks out there.

[cgpaints]

Monthly review, January 2017

Everyone who has read my “RIP 2016″ Post at the end of last year probably knows that that year ended on a rather bleak note for me. I really do not want to keep it at that though and I want to try to pull all the motivation to better myself out of the situation I seem to be a little bit stuck in right now.

So in order to do that I want to do a kind of “monthly review” thing just to force myself to look back at the last few weeks and see what I’ve been able to accomplish both art wise as well as freelance wise, or even life wise more generally speaking. So let’s just start it off and see where we are at:

Art:

The image shows every single bit of painting and drawing I made over the course of January. It includes every study and every drawing, doodle, experiment and finished piece I made last month. What it does not include of course is client work, which I am not allowed to show. You can download a huge version of the image heeeere: 

http://www.mediafire.com/file/3ngijvyy1kibk3a/full.jpg

I started the month off by wanting to focus on composition. It’s a subject I’ve been neglecting throughout all my years of painting and it really shows in my past work I think. I ended up learning a LOT about composition, value and color structure, which just felt awesome simply because I felt a great deal of control of direction when I painted my own images to apply all the things I’ve learned. Doing these studies and (I think) understanding a lot of the principles behind them cut out SO MUCH guesswork out of my own work. As a result I think I painted two of my strongest pieces thus far. Where I would try to render a painting to death in the past to make up for the lack of structure, having a clear composition actually opened up a lot of “artistic freedom” when it comes to painting and the act of applying paint(or pixels). This is a huge achievement for me as I never liked the aesthetic of super highly rendered digital art, it looks very boring to me and creating it feels very boring as well. I will definitely delve deeper into that in the future and I am looking forward to what’s coming

I also started to get back into watercolors. In the first place it is something that I always wanted to do just for myself but I always stopped mostly because of frustration and stupid excuses. This time, however, I managed to sit my ass down and just suffer through it. As a result finally a few things clicked into place I feel, I was actually able to create some small things that I’ve been fairly happy with and more importantly I am not fighting with the medium so much anymore so that I can finally focus on improving rather than ripping my hair out. Another reason why I started doing watercolors again was the hope that I would one day be able to actually sell some small originals, maybe in form of a little fanart series or something like that. As it is now, however, I don’t think that the quality qualifies me to ask for money for that stuff, so I’ll put that on hold for now.

This leads me to the last part wich is that I fiiiiiiinally picket up those pencils again!!! When you try to paint with watercolors you will probably notice that there is not much room for guesswork as far as the structure of your drawing is concerned. At least I noticed this LIKE HELL. I kept on thinking that my drawing was pretty tight and thought through just to notice in the middle of painting how off it actually was, which is super devestating because even a little undead warrior thingy can take up to a day until it’s finished. You don’t want to spend that time on something thats just crappy at it’s core.

So back to pencils and sketchbooks it was for me. All the pencil drawings are focusing on basic structure in 3D space, I desperately need to get more accurate with that. It’s weird how drawing is different when you use a pencil on paper. I use a cintiq for my digital work so one might think that it’s basically the same as drawing on paper and in a lot of cases it IS but for some reason that is beyond me it totally isn’t for studies. My brain just seems to work differently and more “thoughtfully” when I put stuff down on paper. It’s as if my brain has decided to detach itself from any kind of “seriousness” as soon as the thing I paint is digital, as if it was shutting itself down knowing that it is possible to bullshit a lot in photoshop. It’s interesting to me :)

So yea after struggling a bit with these pencils I think that I got used to it pretty well again and I will definitely keep at it!

Freelance/Life:

Freelance keeps being weird and very unsteady. The amount of clients are enough to get by somehow but it’s nothing to build on to be completely honest. I need to figure out better ways to get more consistent work and I do have some ideas in mind, I guess we will see in the next month(s) how everything works out. But yea it’s tough. For now “take care of your art and your art will take care of you” is something that I would really love to be true (and I live by that every day) but there also needs to be the business side of it, at wich I am not very good at the moment.

I was thinking about something along the lines of sharing my monthly progress in a way that might be financially helpful for me in some way. I made a little gumroad thingy for my composition studies this month. It was basically just a breakdown of my process and a little documentation of what I have been picking up during the time I painted them as well as a demonstration of how I break down the process. I would not want to call it a tutorial because it really wasn’t and calling it such would feel a bit arrogent to me. I shared this thing for free online and the response was great, people liked it and it was acutally helpful for some, which was great for me. Some people even donated a few bucks, which felt great as well.

You can still download it here btw: https://gumroad.com/l/JtIV

So I was thinking of maybe including some kind of study pack into these monthly reviews where I go over everything I made with little step by steps, video recordings and stuff like that and just share if for a buck or two at the end of the month. I’ll sleep a few nights on it first though. Also feel free to give your feedback on that idea. Would you care to spent a buck on something like that?

As far as financial stuff goes, I mentioned in my RIP 2016 post that things were a little hard but thanks to my amazing family I was able to take care of a few things which took an ENORMOUS burden off of my chest (Being able to sleep again is great!!)

There is still a lot of “existential anxiety” going on for sure but fortunately there is nothing there that can not be fixed in some way or the other, I jsut need to figure out how.

So yeaaaaaaaaa this is it for this month. I will keep pushing through february and we will see what I will have to talk about then!!

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.