#I SURE WISH MY MOM HAD BEEN LIKE UMA THURMAN AND TOLD ME I WAS FUCKING VALID BUT HEY

[mejomonster]

You know what else? Alex used the word queer in his fucking speeches. <3 the movie writing made a fucking choice and the choice was to be inclusive in that regard and I appreciate it

[me-mindfulexistence]

100 Ridiculous “Get To Know Me Questions”....And What My Husband Guessed I Said.

 Need something to do?  Share some “get to know me questions” with your friends and family”.   

I answered 100 “Get to know me questions” alone...and then later I asked my husband what he thought my answer would be. How many did we match? 

1.Who is your hero?  (me) No one in particular. Anyone who stands up for the underdog, (Fights for the weaker person, feels compassion and empathy for humans and animals....but actually does something about it besides running their mouth) Ron:  No one      CORRECT

2.If you could live anywhere,  where would it be? Somewhere very very warm, with very few people and all  of my children (Ron) Somewhere warm and sunny           CORRECT

3.What is your biggest fear?   Losing my husband or children. (Ron) something happening to my kids/family            CORRECT

4.What was your favorite family vacation? N. Carolina, time on the beach with my family. (Ron) N. Carolina           CORRECT

5.What would you change about yourself if you could?  Rid myself of self-doubt and anxiety. I’d be unstoppable! (Ron) To be more extroverted and outgoing.                        CORRECT

6.What really makes you angry? Oodles  of things. People acting like the boys we took into our family, aren’t “real” family, racial discrimination, animal abuse, bullying, gender stereotypes, and religion (Ron) “Oh jez! Incompetent people”                       WRONG

7.What motivates you to work hard?  My family and their success. (Ron) To Help others                           WRONG.

8.What is your favorite thing about your career?  Wanting my patients to feel better about themselves and giving them an improved quality of  life. (Ron) Helping people                     CORRECT

9.Coke or Pepsi? Coke (Ron) coke             CORRECT

10.What is your proudest  accomplishment? Besides my having family, getting my BJJ black belt. (Ron) being a mother         CORRECT

11.When did you meet for the first time? Was it a connection? Friends introduced us at his work, Moyer and Son. Nope, no connection!. (Ron) Moyer and son, I don’t think you spoke to me. no connection   CORRECT

12.Favorite TV cartoon growing up as a kid?  Scooby Doo. (Ron) I have no idea, I didn’t watch cartoons as a kid, Tom and Jerry?   WRONG

13.Who makes you laugh the most?     My husband. (Ron) me   CORRECT

14.What would you be willing to do for a million dollars? Almost anything as long as my husband was okay with it and it didn’t hurt anything else. (Ron) eat red meat      WRONG

15.What did you want to be when  you were small?  A teacher. (Ron) heavier                WRONG

16.Do you want to be buried, Cremated, have your body donated to science or do some kind of eco-friendly burial when you die?  The funeral market is a scam and it’s polluting the planet! Eco-friendly method on a green burial site. NO Coffin! (Ron) eco-friendly burial, or some shit like that.                  CORRECT

17.If you could choose to do  anything for a day, what would it be?  African Safari.  (Ron) nothing               WRONG

18.What is your favorite game or  sport to watch and play?  Brazilian  Jiu-jitsu. (Ron) BJJ                     CORRECT

19.What household chore do you like the least? Cleaning the bathroom.  (Ron) cleaning in general               WRONG

20.What would you sing at Karaoke night?  LOVE LOVE LOVE SINGING!  Sinead O’Connor, Nothing Compares To You (and about 100 more songs). (Ron) Beastie Boys, fight for you right to party      WRONG

21.What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? SiriusXM 100, 101. (Ron) The two Howard Stations         CORRECT

22.Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Mow the lawn (if it’s hot outside), otherwise vacuum. (Ron)   mow               CORRECT

23.Favorite color? Yellow.  (Ron) black          WRONG

24.If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? salad with lots of stuff in it. (Ron)   lobster         WRONG

25.How do you feel about adoption? Bring em’ on. Babies of any age! The more the merrier. (Ron) strongly           CORRECT

26. Have you ever had a nickname? What is it?  Sher (pronounced “Share”). (Ron) Dukers              WRONG

27.  Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? Hate surprises. I wanna know.  (Ron) no, don’t like being center of attention     CORRECT

28.  In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read?  Ummm. Do nothing, so watch a movie I guess. (Ron) movie     CORRECT

29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii b/c it’s hot. (Ron) Hawaii b/c it’s warm and has beaches           CORRECT

30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why?  Lottery b/c then I could still work at the “perfect job” as much or little as I wanted. (Ron) work at perfect job, b/c you’d be happy and help people   WRONG

  31. Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? My husband. (Ron) me         CORRECT 

   32. If money was no object, what would you do all day? Create my utopia, an animal rescue. (Ron) Some kind of crap with animals         CORRECT 

     33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 1995 (after college).  (Ron) 1978        WRONG

   34. How would your friends describe you?  I’m not sure. Stubborn, strong willed? Sensitive. (Ron) passionate          WRONG

   35. What are your hobbies? Momming. Jiu-jitsu. Animal stuff. (Ron)  teaching bjj and pets              CORRECT

   36. What is the best gift you have been given?  My family. (and my jukebox that breaks all the time). (Ron) children           CORRECT

   37. What is the worst gift you have received? Anything that has to do with cleaning. (Ron) dryer vent              CORRECT

   38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My animals….esp my dog Mable! (Ron) exercise    WRONG

   39. List two pet peeves: My husband yelling about my animals, my kids not doing their chores. (Ron) me groping you, bad drivers      WRONG

   40. Where do you see yourself in five years? Wanting more kids (Ron) here                        WRONG

41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? idk10?,  the same shoes I had 5 years ago (although I’ll replace my sneakers once or twice a year). (Ron) 10     CORRECT 

   42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? I could be invisible. (Ron) strength                WRONG

   43. What would you do if you won the lottery? Quit my  job and Open an animal sanctuary. (Ron) pay off all debt             WRONG

   44. Finish things as soon as possible or wait until the last minute? Wait until the last minute. (Ron) wait until the last minute            CORRECT 

   45. What unconscious mannerism do you display if you are upset or uncomfortable in a situation?  I become very quiet... (Ron) chew face   WRONG

   46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?  How I acted as a teenager. I could be pretty rotten. (Ron) not throwing poop out a window            WRONG

   47. If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hendrix,  mommom, and God. (Ron) all your grandparents but especially your mommom Knipe           WRONG

   48. How do you feel about group vacations with other couples? That sounds awful. (Ron) not happening               CORRECT        

         49. What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)?  An entire day when I was young, partying all night. (Ron) 24hrs partying       CORRECT 

   50. How Do you handle anger?  I bottle it up for a while and get quiet. (Ron) not well, you get quiet             CORRECT

51. Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? Interesting question! I’m already getting close to hitting the wall with looks….but I also can’t afford to lose any intelligence either. I’d have to trade looks for more intelligence.  (Ron) intelligence for looks             WRONG

   52. How often do you buy clothes? Almost never. (Ron)   not often     CORRECT 

   53. Have you ever had a secret admirer?  Probably (who hasn’t). It would be secret. (Ron) probably              CORRECT 

   54. What's your favorite holiday? CHRISTMAS! (Ron) Christmas        CORRECT 

   55. What do you drink when you go out for social occasions?  Coke (not diet either). (Ron) water or coke                  CORRECT 

   56. What was the last thing you recorded on TV?  True blood. (Ron) SNL   WRONG

   57. Do you prefer the live version or studio version of an album? Studio. (Ron) Studio             CORRECT 

   58. What's your favorite type of foreign food? Mexican. (Ron) mexican      CORRECT 

   59. Are you a clean or messy person? Pretty Messy. (Ron) messy       CORRECT 

   60. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Uma Thurman. (Ron) Uma Thurman             CORRECT 

   61. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 30mins (Ron) 1hr             WRONG

   62. What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Dishwasher. (Ron) microwave              WRONG

   63. What's your favorite fast food chain?  Taco Bell. (Ron) taco bell       CORRECT 

   64. What's your favorite family recipe or dish?  mommoms apple pie.  (Ron)  Mommoms apple pie           CORRECT 

   65. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? Love. (Ron) Love      CORRECT 

   66. What's your favorite family tradition?  Christmas Morning Breakfast at my moms. (Ron) Christmas Eve          CORRECT  

   67. What is your favorite childhood memory? Having baby bunnies with my dad. (Ron) I have no idea           WRONG

   68. What's your favorite movie? Natural Born Killers (Ron) Pulp fiction  WRONG

   69. How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? Devastating. I wanted to believe forever. I was forced to “not believe” at about 12. My aunt said on Christmas day “You know Santas not real, right?”.  Ugh. (Ron) 8, I think your friend Dorene probably told you.   WRONG

   70. Is your glass half full or half empty? Half empty….just waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Ron) Half empty         CORRECT 

   71. What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Dating my husband was risky. (Ron) got married          WRONG

   72. What is your favorite chip flavor? Salt and vinegar. (Ron) salt and vinegar             CORRECT 

   73. What was your favorite subject in school?  Science. (Ron) none   WRONG

   74. What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten?  I’m not very daring. Seaweed. (Ron) I have no idea, you really don’t care for food   WRONG

   75. Do you collect anything? Unwanted animals. (Ron) records     WRONG

   76. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?  Bell bottoms. (Ron) The 70s                  WRONG

   77. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert.  (Ron) Introvert        CORRECT 

   78. Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? touch. (Ron) You have a nose like a dog                   WRONG

   79. Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise)  Nope…and I don’t want one. (Ron) No                  CORRECT  

   80. Best quality and worst quality?  Best-compassionate/empathetic,  Worst-Too compassionate/empathetic to a fault. (Ron) best-caring, worst-caring too much                    CORRECT 

   81. What do you do to keep fit? Brazilian Jiu-jitsu but I also just exercise to not be a big lump of (Ron) BJJ and exercise            CORRECT

   82. Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken?  I say “wrong is wrong, damn it”. (Ron) Never a wrong time to do the right thing never a right time to do the wrong thing                   WRONG

   83. If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce?  ALL KINDS OF RULES about limiting the use of animals for consumption. NO FACTORY FARMS! (Ron) NO killing of animals      CORRECT

   84. Are you a leader or follower?  Leader (Ron) leader       CORRECT 

   85. What three things do you think of the most each day?  Work, family, how tired I am. (Ron) something happening to my kids, something happening to ron, or me                     WRONG

   86. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Proceed with caution. (Ron) warning fragile                     WRONG

   87. What song would you say best sums you up? Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. (Ron) someone left the cake out in the rain, AKA MacArthur Park by Donna Summer                 WRONG

   88. What is your favorite drink? Vanilla Chai Latte. (Ron) water    WRONG    89. Who was your first crush?  Bo Duke (on Dukes of Hazzard). (Ron) Shaun Cassidy           WRONG

  90. What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your kitchen window? My chickens. (Ron) chickens              CORRECT 

   91. On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 6. (Ron) 8  WRONG

   92. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Working like a dog and getting no where. (Ron) here                WRONG

   93. What was your first job? Working at an awful pizza shop. (Ron) pizza shop                 CORRECT 

   94. If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? The Doors.  (Ron) The dead              WRONG

   95. Do you believe in an after life?  Yes. (Ron) yes            CORRECT 

   96. You’ll never understand people who do what.....?  Fart in front of anyone intentionally. (Ron) hunt              WRONG

   97.  Who would i hate to see naked? Any parental figures. (Ron) parents     CORRECT 

   98. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? Probably a cat. I can be affectionate one minute but turn and walk away b/c you are boring me the next. I don’t like to be told what to do…and I’m not easy to control. “Obedient” isn’t my strong point. (Ron) cat, b/c you can be a loner and snobby (or some might perceive you to be that way).          CORRECT 

   99. What is something that turns you off about another person?  If they don’t like animals.  (Ron) people who are loud              WRONG

 100. Who knows you the best? My husband. (Ron) Me            CORRECT

The end

[lunaarajewel]

Answering questions because I’m bored again

1. What have you eaten today? breakfast was oats with pb and banana, lunch was a zucchini stew, and then i had oats again for dinner because why not haha ><

2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant? it was sweet, felt a bit bittersweet because i said bye until next time

3. What color shoes did you last wear? black

4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week? Myself

5. What is your favorite scent? Baked goods

6. What is your favorite season? Why? Spring and or early summer, it's so nice to smell all the flowers and to hear the birds again, to feel the warmth from the sun

7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel? I can do a headstand on my forearms and a bad cartwheel xD

8. What color are your nails? currently blank!

9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be? a moooon

10. What is something you find romantic? Hugs from behind when i least expect it

11. Are you happy? Yeah I'm doing really good, which is surprising because i haven't felt like that in a long time

12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad? The thing that is making me happy is probably my antidepressants but they have helped me to get hope again.

13. Dogs or Cats? Cats

15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library? Ooooo difficult question because it depends!

15. What is your style? Hmm i'd describe it as a mix of cottagecore, steampunk, astrology, herbalism, witchy stuff

16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be? Travel to japan

17. Are you in a relationship or single? I'm dating but not an official relationship nope

18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now? Their humor, the way they are so relaxed and careless

19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with? Whaat no i wouldn't do that

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what? Some toxic behaviors/habits a bit!

21. How did you celebrate last Halloween? I listened to dark music a bit extra, watched nightmare before christmas and had some halloween candy

22. Have you recently made any big decisions? I started taking antidepressants!

23. Were you ever in a school play? Yes, when i was younger i was a princess i remember

24. What movie would you use to describe your life? aaa that's difficult, i haven't watched that many movies tbh!

25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? Learning piano properly, but i've been busy with mental health stuff so i haven't been able to. But I've been planning on taking it more seriously lately

26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” all of my thoughts without judgement

27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex? (for some, not all) Jealousy, constant focus on showing off to guys

28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex? (for some, not all) Bad at communicating, bad at understanding

29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week? I started taking the steps to honestly change my life for the better

30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it? How I treated my ex, he was actually really kind to me but I wasn't mentally stable so I couldn't communicate well to him. But I hope he's well! I only wish him the best.

31. How long was your longest relationship? a little over a year

32. Have you ever been in love? Oh yeah

33. Are you currently in love? A bit!

34. Why did your last relationship end? I ended it because I wasn't well enough, I needed some time alone to get back to myself.

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it? A heart necklace i made, handmade bracelet from a market, 3 earrings from hm

36. When was the last time you cried and why? When i first took my antidepressants i burst out crying so its around 3 weeks ago i think

37. Name someone pretty. Uma thurman

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day? Japanese snacks

39. Do you get jealous easily? Nope

40. Have you ever been cheated on? Not that i know of

41. Do you trust your partner/best friend? Yes

42. Ever had detention? hahah yeah because i skipped class to buy piercing jewelry

43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city? hmmm, difficult question. I think i'm that kinda person that likes to switch between the two

44. What do people call you? Luna since it's my name

45. What was the last book you read? "stjärnhimlen" (a book about stars)

46. How big of a nerd/dork are you? well i'm a nerd for moss e.e

47. What kind of music do you listen to? veryyy mixed, metal, rock, indie, alternative rock, jrock, instrumental, kpop, pop, rap

48. How tall are you? 163cm

49. Do you like kids? I don't mind them!

50. Favorite fruits? Banana, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, wild strawberry, persimmon

51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Sweats

52. What’s your earliest memory? In kindergarten i used to dance to Westlife music

53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you? Nope not that i know of

54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

55. Do you have a collection of anything? Moon stuff

56. Do you save money or spend it? I try to save!

57. What would your dream house be like? Filled with things i've made and antique stuff as well

58. What top 5 things make you the angriest? Aaa i dont know, i try not to focus on those things

59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face? a good meal, plants, good music, animals, finishing something i made

60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? I would help the dog

61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? Yeah i'd probably tell the ones closest to me that arent my family. then i'd just make the most of my time, i'd travel to japan for a week, france/germany for a week, a week with my family and last with the ones close to me outside of family. I would probably be a bit scared but i wouldn't try to focus on that fear too much, because well if theres nothing i can do about it then worrying about it will just stop me from enjoying the last of my days

62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. A heart shape ❤️

63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Japan!

64. Do you like the beach? It's okay, not my favorite place

65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special? Yes

66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it! I have two middle names, Ida and Johanna

67. Do you talk to yourself? Yes, because it helps me to understand my own thoughts and situations better

68. Describe your hair. Thin, blonde

69. What is the meaning of life. To enjoy it

70. What is your ideal partner like? Calming, feels like home, a bit spontaneous romantic, supporting, good listener and communicator

71. Do you want to get married? Yeah it would be cute

72. Do you want to have kids? A bit torn on that question, can't say no or yes

73. Like or dislike your family? A bit so so

74. Are you Chunky or Slim? Somewhere in between

75. Would you consider yourself smart? Yes in some ways

76. What would you change about your life? The place I live

77. Religious or Not? Nope

78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? I dont drink so no one!

79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? Nope

80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? Nope, and my family doesn't say it either

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Probably sleeping

82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? Yes but my mom wouldn't be too happy haha

83. Do you like when people play with your hair? yes it's nice sometimes

84. Do you like bubble baths? Nope, i don't really like baths so much

85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop? Nope

86. Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes, with my old best friend

87. Do you trust anyone with your life? Yes the ones closest to me, not really my family though

88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? I wanna eat haha

89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week) Japan for 3 weeks, France, Germany, LA, Italy, Greece, Thailand, England

90. How was your day today? It was good! I made some stew for the week

91. Play an instrument? A bit of piano, some chords on guitar but thats it

92. Describe the what you think of the ocean. It's okay, if i go i usually prefer a smaller beach with few or no people

93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Aliens but not like in movies, anything that is alive outside of our planet so anything even if it's an ant sized creature it's an alien to me. And as for ghosts i'm open to the idea of it but i haven't really invested much time in that topic!

94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be? Nope, but i believe they will be someday

95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side? Not bitchy but a bit scary maybe

96. When are you vulnerable? When i'm deeply in love

97. How much free time do you have? A lot currently but i'm taking that time to relax

98. Do you like to go hiking? Never been!

99. Odd or Even Numbers? Even

100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities? hmmm, i can't say for sure

[purplecloaks]

Original Story I wrote

TRIGGER WARNING: There is self harm and suicide in this story

Part one

When you set a specific song as your alarm in the morning, you start to hate that song. My alarm is Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy and it was one of my favorite songs, before it started screaming at me at six o’clock in the morning.

On this specific morning, my alarm rang three times before I finally got up. By that time it was 6:44. How I slept through the noise in the living room, no one will know for sure. I sat up and stretched out all the kinks in my back. Looking over at the couch sat my two-year-old sister Ella Rose. I wasn’t very surprised because she wakes up at about five every day. She’s insane. That means Mom is up making breakfast. Dad is already gone because his job starts a six. Mental note: Never be a lawyer.

Ella whips her head over in my direction before looking back to her show. She’s watching some new cartoon that’s based off Mr. Roger.

“Hi, Bub,” She says whilst looking at the television.

“Morning, Ella,” I say. 

Since my basement room flooded, I have been sleeping in the living room. That means I get awakened when Mom starts getting Ella ready for the day. So I decided to set an alarm thinking it might be easier to wake up to one of my favorite songs instead of screaming.

I was wrong; either way getting up at the crack of dawn is horrible. It’s still dark out when I wake up! But that’s because of winter. I shake my head, trying to get back on track. Stupid ADD head; focus Isaac! It’s...Monday; a school day. I internally groan.

Walking towards the kitchen I hear a scream and then “Austin Ian Brooks!” I scamper the rest of the way to the kitchen where I see my older sister Isabella on top of the table. Mom looks pissed off and Ian is cackling. I look around to see the source of the commotion and see Reginald, Ian’s pet tarantula, scurrying under the table.

“Put that thing back where it came from!” my mother yells.

Oscar runs into the kitchen butt naked and belts out “Or so help me!” whilst doing a little dance. He must have just gotten out of the bathtub. I snort and he grins up at me.

“Oscar go get dressed!” Mom groans.

Ian scoops up Reginald as I walk towards the bathroom. I hear the scuffling behind me as he walks past Mom to put Reginald back in his cage.

Then I hear, “Isaac don’t you dare!” It's Isabella. I turn to her. “I get the bathroom first.”

“You take forever Bella!” I say and start to bathroom again. She grabs my wrist, trying to stop me. “Don’t freaking touch me, Isabella!” I scream at her this time.

Her eyes widen and she lets go, stepping away.

In the bathroom I pull up my sleeve and look at the angry red marks on my skin. They’re about two days old now. You can see that they’re starting to scab over.

Shaking my head, I hurry through my bathroom needs and get out, hoping my sister won’t bring this up again.

It’s my lucky day; she’s not outside the bathroom.

Down the stairs I run, throwing on the first clothes I see; ripped jeans and a crumpled t-shirt. Oh well. Back up the stairs I thunder, skipping most.

“Isaac, how many times have I told you not to run up those stairs? You’re going to trip and break your neck!” my mom yells from the kitchen. I roll my eyes at her.

“Skipping breakfast today Mom,” I say as I fly past her. If I can walk to Step’s house, I can get away from the chaos for a bit.

“Absolutely not, Isaac James. I did not slave over a hot stove at five-thirty in the morning for you to skip eating the most important meal of the day.” I can feel her glare. I’d be dead if looks could kill. She turns back towards the stove, I know because I can hear her shoes squeak. “You can suffer through breakfast with your siblings.” I resist the urge to roll my eyes at her again, barely. I walk back out of the kitchen and drop my backpack near a chair at the table. “And you better not be rolling your eyes, young man! Get your sister ready to eat.”

“Ella,” I call.

“Hm?” she doesn’t look away from her show.

“It’s breakfast time.” I try to say as excited sounding as possible.

That got her to move. She hops down from the couch and comes barreling over to me.

“Oscar, Belle, Ian, breakfast!” I hear my mom yell as I put Ella in her booster chair. “Roll her sleeves up, Isaac.”

“I know, Mom,” I mumble as I put Ella’s bib on her.

Eating breakfast with my siblings is Mom’s way of trying to get us to bond. But it’s hard to do because we aren’t very near each other in age. Isabella is the only one who is close to me in age and she’s not the friendliest as of late because she’s just starting out in college. Ian is twelve. He’s in the “annoying middle schooler” stage. Oscar is five, he’s just a baby. And Ella is even more of a baby because she’s two. I don’t know how my mom can think we’d bond.

After everyone begrudgingly sits down at the table, we eat in mostly silence. Occasionally Ella will babble something to Oscar about the show they’re watching.

Once breakfast is over, I text Steph to let her know I’m ready whenever she is. I flop on the couch and sit at an angle that probably isn’t good for my spine, waiting for Steph and Ryan to get here.

“Isaac, dear,” I hear my mother call. “We’re leaving. I love you, have a good day sweetheart.”

“Love you too, mom.” I shout before the door slams closed. I check the time. 7:09. Steph should be here any minute. I don’t want to spend any more time here than I have to right now because it’s just Isabella and me at home. Ever since Isabella graduated and started college, we’re not as close as we once were. It upsets me, but I understand. She’s got so many classes and so much homework now that it takes up most of her time. If it wasn’t for Mom, we’d never see her. Mom has a rule. If she wants to live here, she has to participate in family meals and game night. Other than that, she stays in her room or is at the college.

The rumbling of Steph’s car turning into the driveway pulls me from my thoughts. I heave myself off the couch and grab my bag. As I’m walking towards the door she honks. I roll my eyes.

“I’m leaving Bella!” I yell at her. I get no response but I know she heard me. I slam the back door and walk out into the frigid morning air. I hurry towards Steph’s backseat and the warmth of the heater.

“Morning!” Steph says too gleefully for this early.

“Hey.” I respond as I close her door. She backs out of the driveway and we’re off.

Ryan turns around to look at me as I buckle my seat belt. “How was your morning?” I shrug. “That’s good.” He turns back around. Steph holds out her hand towards him and he takes it, threading his fingers through hers. I hate feeling like an outsider in my own friend group.

The drive to school doesn’t take long. By the time we get there, it’s only 7:20, meaning everyone is still in the parking lot. People are walking in front of the car, making Steph move at a crawl. I’m starting to get frustrated with how slow we’re moving. I want to scream at them to move out of the way of our car. But I don’t. It would just create conflict. So I lean back and close my eyes, hoping we’ll park soon.

Finally, we find a parking spot. I unbuckle the seat belt and swing open the car door. I feel so drained already and we aren’t even in the building. I want to get back in the car and go home. But Steph won’t do that. She’s too good of a friend to let my skip school. I sigh.

“You okay, buddy?” Ryan murmurs to me as we close our doors.

“Yeah.” I hear myself say. It’s a lie. I’m a liar. I’m lying to my best friend.

He smiles at me and grabs Steph’s hand as we meet behind the car. They walk towards the school hand in hand, smiling. I drag behind by a couple feet with my head down. I feel my pockets for my phone and earbuds. Good, they’re there. I can ignore everyone now. I put them in my ears and they just sit there. I don’t listen to music often at school; mostly I leave my earbuds on so people won’t talk to me. It’s easier that way.

Before I know it, I’m standing in front of Mr. Juster’s English class. He’s already leaning back in his chair, snoring softly. Mr. Juster is about eighty years old and has been teaching for his entire adult life. He has tuffs of white hair sticking up from the sides of his head. He sleeps through most of the class as long as we’re quiet. Every morning he has his teacher’s aid, Mindy, take roll and write the prompt on the board. Then Mindy sits in the corner and plays on her phone while we half ass the paper. All you have to do to get a good grade in this class is turn something in.

I wave to Mindy as I trudge to my desk. I’m already exhausted. Mentally and Physically. I lay my head down on my desk and think. For some reason my pills come to mind. I haven’t thought about those in months. When was the last time I took them? Whatever. It doesn’t matter. They don’t work right. And every time I try to tell Dr. Dibb that they make me feel wrong, she doesn’t listen. She just prescribes me something else. That’s why I lie. Lying gets me out of appointments faster and back to my bed. I wish my bed was in my room still. I miss being alone. I wonder what we’re going to do tonight. Every night Mom and Dad make us do something as a family. They started doing it after Ian was born. Trying to make sure we don’t drift apart or something. I don’t know. I don’t care. Usually we play Uno or watch some Disney movie. As of late it’s been movies because Ella doesn’t really understand the rules of Uno yet. Whenever we play she throws her cards around and Oscar gets frustrated with her. Even though he’s only five, Oscar is super competitive. So after he threw a tantrum about her throwing her cards we put the games on hold for a while.

The sound of the bell startles me out of my thoughts. Had it really been that long? It felt like five minutes. I lift my head up and look around. Everyone’s packing up. I stand up and sling my backpack over my shoulder. Time for gym. Ugh.

To get to the gym I have to walk outside. The sun is already up and it’s blinding me. Shielding my eyes, I fast walk to the gym to get out of the cold morning air. It’s 8:30 so the sun is up but it’s still freezing out.

Once in the gym, Ms. Cua-Bernard is lining people up already. As I walk past I ask what we’re doing today.

“We’re going to the pool today, dearie.” She says in some thick accent no one can place.

My heart drops to my knees. Why are we going swimming? What’s the point of that? Why would you do that in the middle of the day? Not even the middle of the day. It’s morning. What the heck. No. I’m not going. I refuse. I don’t care if I flunk, I’m not going. I knew I should’ve stayed home today.

These thoughts run through my head as I walk into the locker room. What am I going to do? I don’t want to go swimming. I won’t go swimming. I’ll just...stay in the locker room. Yeah. I’ll hide in the locker room whilst everyone leaves, that way I won’t need to go.

I drop my bag by my locker and head to the cubicles. No one will notice Isaac Brooks is gone. Ms. Cua-Bernard hardly takes role. I’ll be fine until the end of class. Calm down. Breathe.

I try and slow my breathing down so I don’t have a full blown panic attack. That wouldn’t be good. Then I’d definitely be noticed.

By the time I’m no longer feeling light headed, everyone left for the pool already. I unlock the stall and go sit on the cement block by the lockers. I put my head in my hands, perfectly content in just sitting there. But the world is a cruel place. I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket. I ignore it at first, thinking it’s a text, but when it doesn’t stop I realize it’s a call. I pull it out and see my dad’s picture flashing on the screen. What the heck? Why is he calling me? He should be super busy with lawyer things. And he knows I’m at school.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Hey Isaac, I need to tell you something.” Dad says quickly.

“Okay?” I’m so confused.

“You know how Grandma Maggie is...‘sick’?” I nod, forgetting he can’t see me. Before I can reply he continues. “Well it’s getting near the end for her and she’s refusing treatment. She says she doesn’t want to die in a hospital. So for her last few days she’s going to be staying with us.” He rushes through his explanation. I feel my heart become a rock and sink to my feet. Maybe it’s gone. Maybe I don’t have a heart anymore.

I’m going to throw up. My eyes start to feel tingly and I know it’s because I want to cry. This can’t be happening. I can’t breathe. No, no, no, no. Oh my Lord please don’t be real. Wake up Isaac. Let this be a dream. Or a really sick prank.

“I’m calling you because I need you to pick her up from the hospital. Your mother is working late and I have a meeting.” Dad continues, not knowing I’m dying inside.

“I rode with Stephanie.” I feel myself saying. It feels like I can’t control my body.

He sighs. “Okay, can you ask her to pick up your grandmother? I can’t leave work; I could barely get a chance to call you this morning. Your mother is busy in her shop today. She’s booked back to back all day. And your grandmother needs to check out of the hospital before we get off work.”

“Can’t Isabella do it?” I can’t do this. Why is he making me do this?

“No, Isabella has to be in school for a test today. I’m sorry, but you’re the only one who can do it.”

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the lockers. “Okay Dad.” I whisper, hoping he can hear me because I can’t speak any louder.

“Okay, good Isaac. Thanks Bud.” He’s distracted, I can tell. “I gotta go now, Bud. See you for dinner.”

“Goodbye.” I say into the dead receiver. He’s already hung up.

I want to throw my phone across the room, but I know Mom will be pissed so I just tuck it in my pocket. I want to cry and scream, but right now nothing can come up. I feel so empty. I bang the back of my head against the locker. It doesn’t feel good but it makes me feel something. I do it again. And again and again and again.

I lost track of how many times I’ve banged my head against the lockers when Mark Stevens walks in the room. Great, just what I needed.

“What the heck are you doing?” he asks. It seems like he’s yelling though. I’m not sure.

“Nothing. Screw off Mark, I don’t want to deal with your crap right now. Maybe we can reschedule your stupidity for another time.” Even at a time like this, I can’t stop being sarcastic to Mark Stevens. My eyes are still closed so I don’t see him walking towards me. My head is pounding so I don’t hear his footfalls either. All I know is that he grabs me by my shirt and shakes me a little. What the heck? Why did he put his hands on me? He’s never done that before. Sure, he’s been an asshole before but other than that he’s never been physical before.

“Don’t talk to me that way, you stupid virg.” He screams in my face. What is his problem today? I really can’t deal with him right now. I feel my hands reach out towards him to shove him away from me. Just when I’m about to push him off of me, Ms. Cua-Bernard walks into the locker room.

“Isaac, are you – Mr. Stevens! Put him down!” She’s standing flabbergasted by the locker room entrance way. Mark lets go of me immediately and steps away.

“Principal office, both of you!” She shouts. I can’t believe I’m being sent to the principal’s office. I didn’t even do anything! Of course, I sort of wanted to choke him out, but I didn’t! We both hung our heads and walked toward the office. Great. Mom and Dad are going to be pissed.

Mark looked more apprehensive than usually. Curiosity almost got the best of me and I almost asked why he looked so nervous, but then I came to my senses.

Once in the office, we stood against the wall outside the Principal’s door. The secretary glared at us over her half-moon glasses like we had murdered her cat. Jeez.

“Come in.” Mr. Bard yells from inside his room. We filed in.

“Well, well, well. Look who we have here.” He’s looking at Mark. What? Mark’s glaring at Mr. Bard.

“Your mother won’t be happy that you’re in here, Mark.” Mr. Bard acts as if I’m not even in the room.

“Screw you, Jason! You’re not my dad! Just because you married my mom doesn’t make you my dad!” Mark shouts. Oh no.

Mr. Bard looks at me. “You can go.” Um okay? I slowly back out of the room. Thank the gods for family problems.

Back in the hallway, I see Steph and Ryan walking towards me. I sigh.

“Hey, what happened?” Steph asks.

“It’s nothing. Mark was being an asshole again.” I shrug. Before either one can comment, I continue. “Hey, my dad called me today. Do you think you could pick up my grandmother on the way home?”

She smiles. “Yeah, sure.” I don’t tell her about my grandmother dying. I don’t want to talk about it.

“Thanks.” I say.

Before I can walk away, Ryan grabs my shoulder. I turn back towards them.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

I put on my best fake smile. “Yeah, it’s nothing.” I shrug his shoulder off and walk away.

The rest of the day passes in a blur. I feel like I slept through most of it. I don’t remember anything that was taught today, but I don’t care. I want to go home.

After school I meet Steph and Ryan by the car. Ryan’s in front again and I’m stuffed in the back. Steph plays some music but I drone it out. My thoughts are too loud anyway.

When Steph pulls up at the hospital Ryan gets out and slides in the back seat whilst I get out. I run inside to talk to the secretary. I explain to her the situation. She smiles at me and makes a call.

“She’ll be down in just a moment, dear.” She says sweetly.

After about five minutes of waiting, Grandma is rolled around the corner in a wheelchair. About five nurses follow her.

“Hey hunny.” She croaks. The nurse pushing her glares down at her.

“Hi Grandma.” I say with a smile. I want to forget what’s happening.

Outside, the nurses help Grandma into Steph’s car. They give her an oxygen tank and put the wheelchair in the trunk. This is fantastic.

Once she’s buckled, Steph sets out towards my home. Grandma doesn’t speak.

Steph pulls into my driveway. No one’s home, as I suspected. Steph parks and the three of us hop out to help Grandma out of the car. It’s not as difficult as I thought; she’s very light.

When she’s in her wheelchair, Steph hugs me. I have a feeling she knows what’s happening. Ryan stands awkwardly by the car. He doesn’t show his emotions very often.

“Bye.” Steph whispers. They get back in the car and back out of my driveway. I wheel Grandma inside. Into the spare bedroom she goes. Like I’m putting away a box of memories.

Once she’s situated properly in bed, I ask her if she needs anything. She shakes her head. I’m about the turn and leave when she grabs my hand.

“What’s wrong Grandma?” I ask.

“Sit with me for a while, Isaac.” Her voice is very crackly and I get the feeling she hasn’t talked in a long time. I sit on the edge of her bed.

“Isaac, I’m going to die.” She says this so bluntly I’m shocked for a moment. But then I nod. She continues. “I know this will be hard for you, and the whole family. Before I went to the hospital, I practically raised you and Bella. I want you to understand that I’m ready for this; I’ve made my peace. I’m ready to see your grandfather again. So please, don’t be too sad, dearie. Remember that I love you, hunny.” She brings my hand up to her mouth and kisses it with her worn lips.

My gaze remains strong as I stare in her eyes. “I know, Grandma.” I whisper to her. She lets go of my hand and I step back a few steps. Then my legs carry me out of the room and down to the basement.

In the basement I close my eyes. I’m trying so hard to hold back the tears. I can’t cry. I won’t cry. I repeat this to myself over and over, but it doesn’t work. When I open my eyes again, tears spill from the corners. I feel like I’m drowning. I start to sob. I can’t start crying. I sink to the ground and curl up in a ball. I can’t do this.

I must have been on the floor for hours because I hear the front door open upstairs. My tears are long gone, but I’m still on the floor, curled up. I know I should get up; I shouldn’t let my family see me like this. But I can’t move. I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m just done with life. I’ve given up.

Part two

           Mom’s home. I know it’s her for two reasons. One, it can’t be Dad because he’s never home before dinner, he usually comes home right when Mom is done making dinner. And B, I can hear the little patter of Ella’s feet running down the stairs, coming down to ask me to play with her.

           “Ella, you walk down those stairs!” I hear my mother yell from the kitchen. I hear the Ella slow down.

           “Hi Bub,” She says when she gets downstairs. “What doing?”

           I sit up just before she jumps into my lap, wrapping her little arms around my neck. I whip up a fake smile so that she doesn’t get upset.

           “I was just waiting for you, cutie!” I say somewhat excitedly. I tickle her sides with my fingers.

           “Bub, no! Stop!” She giggles, trying to get away from me.

           “Never!” I pick her up and lay her on the floor, blowing raspberries on her neck.

           “Osc! Help!” She shouts, trying to get Oscar to come save her. I hear him run downstairs.

           “Oscar! We walk down the stairs!” my mother yells. Oscar doesn’t slow down. He makes it down all the stairs and runs across the room to where Ella and I are.

           “I’ll save you Elle!” He yells as he jumps on my back.

           Mentally, I’m exhausted. I just want to curl up in a ball, away from everyone. But if I don’t play with Oscar and Ella Mom will ask what’s wrong. And I don’t want to explain anything to her. I know she’ll be mad I haven’t been taking my pills in months. I know she’ll be mad that I’ve been lying.

           I stop tickling Ella and help her up. Oscar hops off me and looks up at me.

           “Grandma’s here.” I say softly. Their faces light up and the look at each other. Before I can continue, they’re already running up the stairs. I follow them up the stairs.

           “Oscar David and Eleanor Rose, you come here right now!” Mom yells. They slow down and turn into the kitchen. They look ashamed. Kinda.

           “What have I told you about the stairs?” she asks looking down at them with her hands on her hips.

           “Not to run on them.” Oscar says.

           “No run.” Ella simplifies.

           “And why is that?” Mom asks.

           “We could trip and hurt ourselves.” Oscar says slowly, pronouncing the word ‘ourselves’ carefully. Ella remains silent.

           “Ella?” Mom prods.

           “Could hurt.” She says finally.

           “Exactly. I don’t want to tell you again, do you understand?”

           “Yeah,” they say together. Mom turns back to the stove.

           “Mommy? Can we go see Grandma?” Oscar asks as Ella pulls on his sleeve.

           Mom looks at them as she stirs the pasta on the stove. “Yes, but you have to be careful. Grandma is fragile.” She smiles at them.

           They run off and I stay standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

           “Hey, my sweet boy.” Mom says as she wipes her hands on her apron and turns to me, holding her arms out. I hug her and she squeezes me tight. She kisses my cheek. “I missed you today, babycakes.”

           I groan as a response. She looks at me pointedly before going back to cooking.

           “Spaghetti tonight, my love.” She sings as I walk towards Grandma’s room.

           The door slams and I hear my sister grunt a hello to my mom.

           “Hey, Sweet–”

           “Thanks a lot Bella!” Ian shouts as the door opens and slams again. “Thanks for shutting the damn door in my face!”

           “Austin Ian Brooks! Who said you could speak like that?” Mom says while glaring at him. He looks sheepishly at his feet. “And quit slamming my door!”

           Ian opens the door and closes it again, normally this time. “Sorry, Mom.”

           “Isabella! Get down here!” Mom yells. I hear her seconds later, clomping down the stairs.

           “What, Mother?” She says snottily.

           “Don’t you take that tone of voice with me, young lady. Just because you’re an adult now does not mean you get to ignore the rules of this house. You live under my roof, until you move out you’ll follow my rules. Do you understand me?”

           “Yes ma’am.” Bella says looking Mom in the eyes.

           “Apologize to your brother.”

           “Sorry for slamming the door in your face Ian.” She looks to Ian now, red tinting her cheeks.

           “What...what was that?” Ian asks, cupping his hand around his ear.

           “Ian.” Mom says flatly.

           He looks at Mom then at Bella. “I accept your apology.”

           Mom smiles. “Now go see your grandmother.”

           “Gran’s here?” Ian nearly shouts. He drops his backpack and runs out of the kitchen.

           “Ian – Oh alright.” I hear the shuffle as she picks up the bag. “Isaac, I know you’re standing in the hallway. Will you please take this to Ian’s bedroom? Oh, and on your way past your grandmother tell Ian he needs to feed Reginald today? Thank you Dearest.”

           I drag myself back into the kitchen and take his bag. Mom pats my hand lovingly.

           “Hey Ian?” I say, stopping in Grandma’s doorway.

           “What up Isaac?” he asks looking over from Grandma to me.

           “Mom says you need to feed Reginald today.” I mumble.

           “Oh cool.” He turns back to Grandma. “Wanna see me feed my pet tarantula?” His face lights up when she nods. “Okay, I’ll be right back!” He jumps off the side of her bed and hurries out of the room. On his way past me, he rips his backpack out of my hands. It nearly rips my finger off.

           “That’s my cue to leave. I love you Grandma.” Bella says and leans down to kiss Grandma’s cheek.

           Grandma gargles back an ‘I love you too’ as Bella leaves. It’s painful to hear her. She turns her attention back to Ella who is showing her her dolls. Oscar is cuddled up under Grandma’s arm with his eyes closed. He must be asleep. Because kindergarten is so hard.

           Ian runs back to Grandma’s room carrying Reginald’s ‘travel tank’ with a bag of dead baby rats, or pinkies as Ian calls them. It’s time to go.

           I slowly shamble back towards the basement stairs, hoping my mother doesn’t catch me.

           “Isaac?” Damn it.

           “Yeah, Mom?” I poke my head into the kitchen, my feet still slowly moving to the stairs. Almost there...

           “Will you set the table, Hon?” She smiles.

           I internally roll my eyes. “Sure.” Why do I have to do everything around here? Why can’t precious Isabella do it? Why is it always ‘Isaac do this’ ‘Isaac do that’? The last part I think in a higher pitch, imitating my mother.

           I grab the plates she’s left out and head to the dining table, setting them lazily in front of each chair.

           “Is Grandma eating with us?” I ask Mom from the dining room.

           “I’m not sure, dear, why don’t you go ask her?” she answers.

           Putting the last plate down, I head towards Grandma’s room. Ian isn’t in there anymore. Just Ella and Oscar. Oscar is telling Grandma about his day at school and Ella is hanging onto his every word. Grandma is watching him speak, the corners of her mouth turning up every so often. I feel almost bad interrupting. Almost.

           “Hey Grandma are you going to eat dinner with us?” I ask from the doorway.

           Her eyes slowly move to meet mine. “Oh, no dear. I’m fine.” She croaks. I nod and walk back to Mom. I hadn’t noticed her breathing before. It’s even worse than her voice. It sounds like a marble is rattling around in her lungs.

           “No, she’s not.” I tell Mom. She hums to let me know she heard me. The kitchen door opens and Dad stumbles in. He glares at me while he kisses Mom on the cheek. It’s sort of creepy but I know it’s because he’s going to ask me something.

           “Did you get Grandma?” he asks gruffly, brushing past me to put his things away in his office.

           “Yeah, she’s in the guest room.” I call after him. I turn back towards Mom. She looks at me sort of sadly, and then shakes her head.

           “Please finish setting the table.” She says softly. Dad comes back in the kitchen, his suit jacket is gone and his white button down shirt sleeves are pushed up to his elbows. “Please round everyone up, Markus. Your mother is not eating.” Dad nods and they share a look.

           I grab the silverware Mom left out and put them next to each plate. I can hear Dad in the background calling everyone to dinner, then the stomping down the stairs and the little squeal Ella lets out as she runs to hug Dad. I know this almost by heart. Every night it’s the same thing. The only thing different is Grandma, but she won’t be here for long.

           I halt at that thought, dropping the leftover fork, still in my hand. It clatters to the ground and my breathing becomes shallow. Stop it. You can’t do this right now. Not in front of everyone. I take in a deep breath and hold it.

           “Isaac, honey, are you okay?” my mom asks. She’s still in the kitchen so she can’t see me holding my breath. I let it out.

           “Yeah Mom, I’m fine.”

           I’m fine. You’re fine Isaac. Suck it up. People die every day. Chill out.

           “Did you get the napkins?” Mom asks.

           “No, I forgot them.”

           “I’ll get them, kiddo.” Dad says as he goes into the kitchen carrying Ella in one arm and having Oscar hang from around his neck.

           Isabella comes into the dining room and sits down in her chair, she’s on her phone. Probably texting her boyfriend Will.

           “Phones away, Isabella. C’mon, you know that.” Dad says as he drags Oscar and Ella into the room. “Okay, everyone off.” Ian comes into the room as Oscar gets into his chair and Ella stands by her booster.

           “Bella will you come help me with the food, please?” mom calls out from the kitchen. I can hear her turning the stove off and opening a drawer to get pot holders.  Bella gets up and trudges into the kitchen, making a face.

“That’s not very nice.” Ian says. Uh oh.

           “Shut up, Ian.” Isabella hisses towards him.

           Either Mom and Dad didn’t hear them or they ignored it because it wasn’t brought up. Thank God. That would’ve taken ten years and I wanted to get out of here as fast as physically possible.

           One the food was at the table and everyone was seated, Dad started passing around the noodles, sauce, and garlic bread. We dished up in silence. Hopefully it would stay this –

           “Ian it’s your night to wash the dishes.” Mom says.

           “Okay.” Ian nods.

           “How was your day today, Markus?” Mom asks Dad.

           “Oh, the usual, mostly paperwork, saw a few clients. How was yours dear?” Dad almost mumbles.

           Then Mom launches into a story about how one of her clients wanted her to shave half their head and dye the other half pastel blue.

           “I told her that the pastel wouldn’t stay in long, but she didn’t listen. I mean what do I know right? I’m just the hairdresser.” That’s when I zoned out and tried to finish eating.

           When I felt like I had sat there and pushed my food around long enough, I look up at Mom. She’s listening to Ella say something.

           “Can I be finished?” I interrupt.

           Mom doesn’t even look at me. “Sure, Isaac.” Then she tells Ella to continue.

           I get up and wake into the kitchen. Scrapping my dinner into the garbage, I put the plate into the sink. Back down stairs I go. I curl up on the couch downstairs and get on my phone.

           Hey I text the group chat with Ryan and Stephanie.

           Hey Ryan texts back.

           Hey what’s up? texts Stephanie.

           What are you guys doing tonight? I text.

           Um sleeping? There’s school tomorrow texts Stephanie.

           What’s wrong? texts Ryan.

           I just really need to talk to someone. Can we meet at the gas station at 12:30? I text.

           Sure texts Ryan.

           Yeah texts Stephanie.

           I toss my phone onto my chest and take a deep breath. Is this a good idea? I don’t know. I just feel like I need to talk to someone. I feel kinda bad about this. Maybe I should cancel. I pick my phone back up and start to write a text when I hear someone come down the stairs. I look up over the back of the couch to look who it is.

           “Hey.” Isabella says as she walks towards me.

           “What?”

           “When was the last time you ate?” she asks.

           I pause for a moment. “What are you talking about? We just had dinner.”

           “Yeah, and you just pushed it around your plate. You didn’t eat anything. No one else noticed but I did. When was the last time you ate?”

           “It’s none of your business, Bella.”

           “Yes, it is. I’m your older sister. I care about you, Isaac.” She whispers.

           “Bella, screw off! Just leave me alone!” I yell and stand up quickly. Her eyes widen.

           “Whatever Isaac! Sorry for caring for you! Jeez!” she yells over her shoulder as she stomps off.

           I flop back on the sofa. I really hope Mom forgets about family night tonight. I don’t know if I can handle any more time with them.

           “Isaac, we’re watching Tangled, will you come up and watch it with us?” Mom shouts down the stairs. Damn it. I look at the time. It’s seven-o-four, so I can’t say I’m too tired. I rack my brain trying to think of a reason

           “I don’t feel too well right now, Mom. Sorry.” I yell.

           I hear her start to come down the stairs. “Are you okay? Do you have a temperature?”

           “No! No, no, no, Mom. I’m okay, I just have a headache. I just think I need to lay down for a while.” I quickly say so she doesn’t come down here.

She stops on the stairs. “Are you sure, Sweetheart? Do you want some medicine?”

“No, I’m just going to lay down.”

           “Okay, Hun.” She sounds worried. Damn it. I hate it when I worry her.

           “I’ll be okay.” I call after her. She heads back upstairs.

           I think I’ll take a nap. At least until I need to leave to meet Stephanie and Ryan. I set an alarm on my phone for midnight and curl up on the couch.

 ⁕     ⁕     ⁕

           My alarm startles me awake from another nightmare. I lay on the couch and try to regulate my breathing. Breath in, and hold. Out. It’s okay. It was just a dream. Well obviously it’s a dream. I’m not stupid. Shut up brain, that’s not helping. Gotta get up. Gotta go meet Stephanie and Ryan.

           I sit up and press my hand against my chest, trying to stop it from hurting. You’re fine, quit it. Standing up I find my sweatshirt and pull it over my head, knowing it will be a cold walk to the gas station. I put my phone and my house key into the big pocket. I slip my shoes on and slowly make my way up the stairs. I freeze with every creak of the house, listening. No one should be awake now. Well, maybe Isabella, but I doubt it.

           Once I’m out the kitchen door I breathe a sigh of relief. Didn’t get caught. I start the walk up the street to the gas station. I’m grateful that I remembered to throw on my sweatshirt as I shiver. It’s windy out and it stings my eyes as I walk up the hill. It makes the tears easier to fall.

           The gas station is empty when I get there. I lean against the wall and wait for Stephanie and Ryan. Stephanie’s probably picking Ryan up in the car. I don’t have to wait long before her car pulls in the parking lot. Here we go. This is it. Tell them how screwed up you are Isaac. That will help. Maybe it will.

           I open the door and am blasted with the heat from the car. I feel myself slowly warming up; my cheeks start to burn.

           “What’s up, Bud?” Ryan asks.

           I sigh. “I’m sorry, guys. I’m really sorry for dragging you –”

           “Stop right there Isaac Brooks. There’s no need to apologize. You needed us, and we came, that’s what friends are for.” Stephanie says.

           I take a deep breath. “Okay. It’s just…my grandma. She’s dying. That’s why we had to pick her up today. She wanted to die surrounded by her family and not in a hospital. It’s hitting me really hard.” The words are spilling out of my mouth before I can stop them. “I mean, she practically raised Isabella and I and now she’s just going to be gone and I don’t know if I can handle that. I am honestly at the end of my rope right now especially since I haven’t –” I stop myself before I tell them about not taking my medication. They would be mad. They would tell my parents and then they would be mad.

           “Since what?” asks Ryan. His hand is on my shoulder from the backseat. I start to panic. What am I going to say instead? I can’t think of anything, so I just start crying. Real tears running down my cheeks in front of my best friends. God, I’m such a wimp.

           Stephanie leans across the center console and wraps her arms around my shoulders. Ryan moves his hand to my back and sort of rubs it. I don’t know exactly how long we sit there and cry. It felt like hours. I pull away and take my phone out of my pocket. 1:56. Crap. I need to get home; I wasn’t planning on staying out this long. I wipe my eyes and cheeks with the back of my hand.

           “I need to head home.” I mumble.

           “Are you sure? Are you okay now?” Stephanie asks.

           “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just don’t want anyone to notice I left.”

           “Do you want a ride?” Ryan asks.

           “No, I’ll just walk back home. Thanks though.” I say as I open the door and step back into the cold air. I slam the door and see Ryan acrobat his way into the front seat. Stepping back, I wave as Stephanie drives off. Back home I go.

           The walk home wasn’t nearly as long as the walk to the gas station. Dread seeps into my bones as my house comes into view. It looks like every single light is on. I pick up my pace and am soon running up my drive way. I am so dead.

           My hand is almost on the kitchen doorknob when the door is thrown open. In the doorway with tears streaming down his face stands my father. My heart stops. I have never ever in my life see this man show much emotion, much less cry.

           “Oh Isaac.” He whispers and pulls me up the steps and into the kitchen. “Where were you?” He draws me into a bone-crushing hug.

           “I went to go see Stephanie and Ryan.” I wheeze out. What the hell. “I know you are mad I just really needed someone to talk to.”

           He pulls away and holds me at arm’s length. “Son, you picked about the worst time to go out. Sure, we were worried about you, but that’s not why everyone is crying.” It’s then I notice that Mom is holding Oscar and Ella as they sob into her chest. She’s crying as well. Across from them, Isabella and Ian are hugging and sobbing as well. What in the world.

           “When you were out…” he has to stop to clear his throat. “Your grandmother passed on.”

           My heart stops. I hear myself mumble something but I’m not sure what I say. I shove away from my father and run towards the guest bedroom. Lying there, looking like she was sleeping, is my grandmother. I choke. No, no, NO. She wanted everyone to be there. She wanted to be surrounded by her family. But I wasn’t here. I was gone. It was her last wish and I couldn’t even do that.

           I turn around and stumble down the stairs, collapsing at the bottom of them. I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out. Taking my hands, I start to pull at my hair as hard as I can, trying to numb the emotional pain I am feeling. I make fists and start hitting my head over and over and over again. Trying anything to make this unbearable pain away.

           Standing up I run back up the stairs and slam the door and lock it. I thunder back down the stairs and into the bathroom. Throwing open the cabinet under the sink I start moving things out of the way to search for the box. Finally finding the small jewelry box I pull it out and sit on the ground. Opening it, I examine the eight razor blades inside. I shuffle the box and pick out the cleanest looking out; I set it on the counter at my eye level. The box is set on the floor by my feet.

           I rip my sweatshirt over my head, my key and phone flying to the other side of the bathroom. The t-shirt comes next and I hear the seams rip a little as I pull it over my head. I don’t care. Picking the pencil sharpener blade back up, I waste no time slicing into my skin. I reopen scars. I cut through barely healed skin. When I finally can’t make any more cuts on my left arm, I switch hands and start cutting on my right arm.

           It’s around this time my phone dings. I ignore it.

           By the time my right arm looks like my left, blood is all over me. I didn’t notice I had started crying but I can see the tears and blood mixing on my arms. My chest hurts. Make it stop. Please. I want this to end. I want to die!

           I’ve had thoughts like this before, but they never felt truly serious. But right now, I want to honestly die. I want to kill myself. That’s terrifying.

           Robotically I rinse the blade off and put it back in the box. I throw the box back under the sink and grab a washcloth. Wetting a corner of it I start to wipe the blood off my torso that had dripped there. Once a majority of the blood is gone I hold the washcloth on the fresh cuts for about five minutes on each arm. I check each cut to see if they’ve all stopped bleeding. Once I’m sure they no longer are, I rinse the cloth off and throw it in the hamper. I pick up my phone and key and toss my clothes in the hamper as well. Back in my bedroom I check my phone and see I have a text message from my mom telling me that they tried to come down and talk to me, but they understood that I wanted to be alone and that they were going to bed. I tapped the message bar and my thumbs hovered over the letters, debating whether to tell her how I feel. I start to type out a message to her but then delete it. Now’s not the time, they’re probably asleep already.

           I plug my phone in and throw my key back into my school bag. Finding a long sleeve shirt, I pull it over my head and change out of my jeans into pajama pants. I’m sleeping down here tonight. I don’t care. I just feel exhausted suddenly. I’ll decide if I’m telling someone about how I feel tomorrow. I collapse on the couch and pass out without a blanket or a pillow.

Endings

The next day I wake up at 1:34 and I don’t even care about missing school. I just feel so numb. I pull myself off the couch and stretch my back out. I drag myself towards the stairs and shuffle my body up them. Unlocking the door, I listen. It’s not as quiet as it would be if I were alone. Everyone stayed home today.

Once I make it into the living room, everyone looks up. Mom and Isabella are leaning close together on the couch. Ian is sitting on the floor by Ella and Oscar.

           I must have looked horrible because Mom says, “Oh honey” and holds her arms out to me. I walk over and curl up into her arms like I was a child. I wish this wasn’t happening. That’s when I decide…

 Bad

           Not to bother them with my problems. I need to be strong. They’re hurting, and I need to be strong for them.

           I pull away from my mom kiss her cheek. “Where’s Dad?”

           “He couldn’t stay home because of that job of his. He wanted to, Sweetheart, he just couldn’t.” Mom says.

           “Oh,” I say softly.

           “Now that we’re all up, I think we should do something today. I was thinking about going to the zoo. It was one of Grandma Maggie’s favorite places and I think she’d like it if we went there today. Maybe lift up everyone’s spirts a bit?” Mom says.

           “I think that’s a really good idea, Mom. What about you guys? Wanna go to the zoo for Grandma Maggie?” Isabella asks the kids on the floor.

           “Yeah!” Oscar and Ella shout, not fulling understanding yet.

           “Sure.” Ian says looking down at his hands.

           They all look at me.

           “I think you guys should go. I’m not really ready for that just yet.” I hedge.

           Mom looks concerned. “Are you going to be okay here by yourself?”

           “Yeah I’ll be fine. I’m just going to eat something and take a bath. Maybe read. I just wanna be alone.”

           “Okay, Sweetheart.” Mom says. “Let’s get ready.”

           It doesn’t take long for them to be ready to leave. Mom checks one more time to see if I want to come and if I’ll be okay by myself. I tell her I’ll be fine, and they leave. I wait twenty minutes and then go to the bathroom.

           I take my shirt off and look at all the damage I did to my arms last night. The cuts are puffy, and it hurts to touch them. I lean close to the mirror and look at my face. I look pale and tired. I am tired. I’m tired of life. I make another decision and head to the medicine cupboard in the kitchen.

           I take all five bottles of my medication that I haven’t been taking out of the cupboard and place them on the counter. I turn to the sink and fill a glass with water. Taking the pill bottles and the cup of water, I go back downstairs. Sitting on the floor behind the couch, I empty the first bottle, Zoloft, into my hand. It’s about sixteen capsules. I tip my head back and toss them all in my mouth. I wash them down with a drink of water. I do the same to the other bottles. Clonazepam, Lamictal, Kapvay, and Melatonin. Once the pills and water are gone I lay back on the floor. My heart starts to pound, and I feel dizzy and light headed. I’m sweating but I feel freezing. It feels like I’ve been lying here for ten years. I roll to my side and vomit onto the carpet. Mom’s gonna be upset. I vaguely see red stuff in my vomit. What’s that about? I lay back down, inches away from my throw up, and close my eyes. All I want to do is sleep. Last thought before my heart stops.

 Good

           To tell her. I need help. This is the worse I’ve ever felt, and I need my mom.

           “Hey Mom? Do you think I could talk to you in your bedroom?” I ask quietly.

           “Sure Sweetie.” She stands up and I follow her into her room. We sit on the bed and stare at each other. “What’s going on? Is this about Grandma?”

           “Sort of.” Better get this over with. I take my shirt off. Mom gasps and covers her mouth when I hold my arms out to her.

           “Oh, my baby!” she whispers. “How long has this been going on?” She grabs my arm, careful not to touch the cuts, and peers closer at them.

           “Well this was all from last night. But I’ve been cutting for a few months now.”

           Tears start to fall from her eyes and she wraps her arms around me. “Oh Isaac. Why didn’t you come to me? Or your father? Or anyone, Sweetheart?” She rocks me back and forth as she speaks.

           I start to cry as well. “It just seems like everyone’s so busy I didn’t want to bother anyone. But Mom, I got so scared last night because I was honestly thinking about killing myself and considering it. And I just don’t know what to do Mommy.” By the end of my word gush I’m actively sobbing.

           She holds me back and looks in my eyes. “Isaac, please know that you can come and tell me anything anytime. Anything. I love you more than life itself. I couldn’t stand losing you. I don’t think I could go on.”

           I look down. “I stopped taking my medication a long time ago.”

           “Why?” she asks.

           “They made me feel numb. And whenever I told Dr. Dibb she didn’t seem to listen and just prescribed more pills.”

           “Then we need to get you a new doctor, Sweetheart. And I’m thinking maybe therapy? What do you think?”

           “Yeah…I guess.”

           “Isaac, I love you. More than anything. I would miss you if you killed yourself. Your father would miss you. Your siblings would miss you. So many people would miss you. So many people love you, Sweetheart.” She holds me against her chest and I just cry.

Four Months Later

           Dr. Cuno has really helped me. She lets me talk about how I’m feeling in a room where I won’t be judged or a bother. She even recommended Dr. Lottero for my new medication doctor. I’m in a much better place now. I know that I’m not ‘cured’. But I haven’t cut in two months so that’s something. I still have a long way to go but I know that I’m on the mend.

[doglvr]

Do all of them

1. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HELD HANDS WITH?

umm i don’t remember

2. ARE YOU OUTGOING OR SHY?

i’m pretty shy

3. WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING?

no one in particular

4. ARE YOU EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?

yeah i’m pretty nice

5. IF YOU WERE DRUNK WOULD THE PERSON YOU LIKE TAKE CARE OF YOU?

idk

6. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO?

just people who share a lot in common with me, and people who are easy to talk to

7. DO YOU THINK YOU’LL BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TWO MONTHS FROM NOW?

nah

8. WHO FROM THE OPPOSITE GENDER IS ON YOUR MIND?

my dog

9. DOES TALKING ABOUT SEX MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

nah

10. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH?

probably my friend sw

11. WHAT DOES THE MOST RECENT TEXT THAT YOU SENT SAY?

it was a text a few days ago asking my dad to pick me up��

12. WHAT ARE YOUR 5 FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW?

homemade dynamite by lorde

broken clocks by sza

white  mustang by lana del rey

garden by sza

this must be my dream by the 1975

13. DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR?

yes i looove it

14. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LUCK AND MIRACLES?

yeah ig

15. WHAT GOOD THING HAPPENED THIS SUMMER?

i went to canada for the first time and i loooved it 10/10 would go again

16. WOULD YOU KISS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED AGAIN?

i’ve never kissed anyone

17. DO YOU THINK THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS?

yeah the universe is so big there’s gotta be smth there

18. DO YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR FIRST CRUSH?

nah

19. DO YOU LIKE BUBBLE BATHS?

yeah

20. DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEIGHBORS?

yeah they’re a’ight

21. WHAT ARE YOU BAD HABITS?

i bite my nails a lot it’s so bad

22. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL?

anywhere in europe like france, the u.k., italy, etc. i wanna go to japan and south korea, and i wanna go to canada and vietnam again

23. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES?

nah

24. FAVORITE PART OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE?

my nightly skincare routine!! i wanna have clear skin

25. WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY ARE YOU MOST UNCOMFORTABLE WITH?

my nails since i pick at them so much

26. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP?

go back to sleep or go on my phone

27. DO YOU WISH YOUR SKIN WAS LIGHTER OR DARKER?

i wanna be tanner right now

28. WHO ARE YOU MOST COMFORTABLE AROUND?

my sister

29. HAVE ANY OF YOUR EX’S TOLD YOU THEY REGRET BREAKING UP?

no i don’t have an ex

30. DO YOU EVER WANT TO GET MARRIED?

yeah it would be pretty sweet

31. IF YOUR HAIR LONG ENOUGH FOR A PONY TAIL?

yes

32. WHICH CELEBRITIES WOULD YOU HAVE A THREESOME WITH?

none, i’d rather admire them from afar

33. SPELL YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN.

brave sky

34. DO YOU PLAY SPORTS? WHAT SPORTS?

i run cross country, and i sprint and long jump in track. sometimes i do triple jump!

35. WOULD YOU RATHER LIVE WITHOUT TV OR MUSIC?

tv

36. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE AND NEVER TOLD THEM?

yeah, basically with all my crushes

37. WHAT DO YOU SAY DURING AWKWARD SILENCES?

talk about stuff i’m looking forward to, or stuff i did yesterday

38. DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM GIRL/GUY?

the girl reading this ;)

jk ghkdsflhg

39. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE STORES TO SHOP IN?

target and lush!

40. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL?

go to college

41. DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE?

yeah, unless they did smth super fucked up

42. IF YOUR BEING EXTREMELY QUIET WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

it don’t mean anything i’m jus chillin

43. DO YOU SMILE AT STRANGERS?

if they smile at me first yeah

44. TRIP TO OUTER SPACE OR BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN?

outer space!

45. WHAT MAKES YOU GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING?

my dog who wants to pee

46. WHAT ARE YOU PARANOID ABOUT?

nothing really

47. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH?

nope

48. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DRUNK?

nope

49. HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING RECENTLY THAT YOU HOPE NOBODY FINDS OUT ABOUT?

maybe

50. WHAT WAS THE COLOUR OF THE LAST HOODIE YOU WORE?

black and red

51. EVER WISHED YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE?

yeah

52. ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?

my height! i wanna be taller!

53. FAVOURITE MAKEUP BRAND?

don’t have one. i don’t really wear makeup, but i wanna try using nyx!

54. FAVOURITE STORE?

target, can’t go wrong with them

55. FAVOURITE BLOG?

if we’re talking about tumblr, i like thebootydiaries

56. FAVOURITE COLOUR?

blue

57. FAVOURITE FOOD?

lasagna

58. LAST THING YOU ATE?

apples

59. FIRST THING YOU ATE THIS MORNING?

pasta

60. EVER WON A COMPETITION? FOR WHAT?

i’ve won kahoot a few times

61. BEEN SUSPENDED/EXPELLED? FOR WHAT?

no

62. BEEN ARRESTED? FOR WHAT?

no

63. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

yeah

64. TELL US THE STORY OF YOUR FIRST KISS?

never had a first kiss

65. ARE YOU HUNGRY RIGHT NOW?

no

66. DO YOU LIKE YOUR TUMBLR FRIENDS MORE THAN YOUR REAL FRIENDS?

i like them both equally

67. FACEBOOK OR TWITTER?

twitter

68. TWITTER OR TUMBLR?

hmm tumblr

69. ARE YOU WATCHING TV RIGHT NOW?

no

70. NAMES OF YOUR BESTFRIENDS?

penny, chip, and used napkin

lmao jk

71. CRAVING SOMETHING? WHAT?

i want some mangoes rn

too bad they’re out of season 

72. WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR TOWELS?

i have some blue towels, some white towels, and a few tannish beige towels

72. HOW MANY PILLOWS DO YOU SLEEP WITH?

2

73. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?

yeah, just one

74. HOW MANY STUFFED ANIMALS DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE?

too many

75. FAVOURITE ANIMAL?

dog

76. WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR?

white

77. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?

chocolate for sure

78. FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR?

mint chocolate chip!

79. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

red

80. WHAT COLOUR PANTS?

purple

81. FAVOURITE TV SHOW?

sense8 is one of my favorites i can’t believe it got cancelled after only 2 seasons :( it’s so good

i also like parks and recreation and the office

82. FAVOURITE MOVIE?

heathers!! and legally blonde!

83. MEAN GIRLS OR MEAN GIRLS 2?

mean girls, i hear the second one is awful

84. MEAN GIRLS OR 21 JUMP STREET?

mean girls 

85. FAVOURITE CHARACTER FROM MEAN GIRLS?

damien is a gay icon!!

86. FAVOURITE CHARACTER FROM FINDING NEMO?

probably dory

87. FIRST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY?

my mom

88. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY?

my sister

89. NAME A PERSON YOU HATE?

trump

90. NAME A PERSON YOU LOVE?

barack obama i miss him ):

91. IS THERE ANYONE YOU WANT TO PUNCH IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW?

yeah, those people who wanna repeal net neutrality

92. IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEONE?

is this asking me if i have been in a fight with someone bc i actually fight with my sister a lot lmao

93. HOW MANY SWEATPANTS DO YOU HAVE?

uhh like 5

94. HOW MANY SWEATERS/HOODIES DO YOU HAVE?

probably 5 as well

95. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

christine

96. FAVOURITE ACTRESS?

uma thurman

97. FAVOURITE ACTOR?

chris pratt is great

98. DO YOU TAN A LOT?

not really, only during the summer

99. HAVE ANY PETS?

i have 2 hamsters and a dog which i’ve only mentioned a few hundred times

100. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

i’m feeling a lil frustrated bc i’ve accidentally gone back to the previous page bc my mouse is annoying as hell and none of my answers saved so i’ve had to go back and start over 

101. DO YOU TYPE FAST?

yeah

102. DO YOU REGRET ANYTHING FROM YOUR PAST?

yeah lol

103. CAN YOU SPELL WELL?

yes!

104. DO YOU MISS ANYONE FROM YOUR PAST?

yeah a lil bit

105. EVER BEEN TO A BONFIRE PARTY?

i have! it was just with a few people but it was rly fun!

106. EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART?

nope

107. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A HORSE?

yes

108. WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING?

studying for my final lmao

109. IS SOMETHING IRRITATING YOU RIGHT NOW?

yeah

110. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT HURT?

umm not really?

111. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES?

no, i think i was already asked this

112. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CRIED IN FRONT OF?

my mom?

113. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD NICKNAME?

it was a vietnamese word, but i don’t remember what it was!

114. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OUT OF YOUR PROVINCE/STATE?

yeah

115. DO YOU PLAY THE WII?

yup

116. ARE YOU LISTENING TO MUSIC RIGHT NOW?

yes!

117. DO YOU LIKE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP?

ofc!

118. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD?

hell yea

119. FAVOURITE BOOK?

deep and dark and dangerous by mary downing hahn

120. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

no

121. ARE YOU MEAN?

sometimes

122. IS CHEATING EVER OKAY?

no way man, but idk how to feel about cheating bc your partner cheated on you first

123. CAN YOU KEEP WHITE SHOES CLEAN?

probably not

124. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

not really

125. DO YOU BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE?

no

126. ARE YOU CURRENTLY BORED?

nah

127. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

going out and doing fun stuff

128. WOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME?

nah

129. WHAT YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

aries

130. DO YOU LIKE SUBWAY?

yeah

131. YOUR BESTFRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX LIKES YOU, WHAT DO YOU DO?

if i don’t feel the same way i’d just tell them 

132. WHO’S THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH?

already answered

133. FAVOURITE LYRICS RIGHT NOW?

got a sweet asian chick she go lo mein!

134. CAN YOU COUNT TO ONE MILLION?

ain’t nobody got time for that

135. DUMBEST LIE YOU EVER TOLD?

umm ok i was gonna go see a movie with a few friends, but i forgot about it and the morning they were gonna see it, i told them i had plans with my mom khglsdhfhg

ik i coulda just had my parents drive me to the theater but they hate it when i tell them about my plans last minute

136. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?

closed

137. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

5′1″

138. CURLY OR STRAIGHT HAIR?

straight

139. BRUNETTE OR BLONDE?

uhh neither? i have black hair

140. SUMMER OR WINTER?

winter

141. NIGHT OR DAY?

day

142. FAVOURITE MONTH?

december

143. ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN?

no, but i wanna limit my intake on meat

144. DARK, MILK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?

dark chocolate is the best

145. TEA OR COFFEE?

coffee! i love matcha green tea tho

146. WAS TODAY A GOOD DAY?

it was okay

147. MARS OR SNICKERS?

snickers

148. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTE?

love yo self!!!

149. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

yes, but i’ve never had any experiences with them

150. GET THE CLOSEST BOOK NEXT TO YOU, OPEN IT TO PAGE 42, WHAT’S THE FIRST LINE ON THAT PAGE?

from my sister’s physical science textbook: “How do you know which characteristics are physical properties?”

[myimmunesystemsucks]

9/23/19 - History

This is my first post. I want to keep making posts as I have updates on my autoimmune disorder(s) and hopefully I will be able to. I never thought things would become as serious as they have.

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis in 2015. That was when I was about 15 or 16 years old. Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis is when the autoimmune system attacks the thyroid. It causes hypothyroidism. Because of this disorder, I have found it hard to lose weight. I’ve been exhausted all of the time. I have to go to an endocrinologist frequently as well as have blood tests. Depending on how the blood tests come back, I may have to have my medicine increased. Over the past few months I have found that with each new blood test, I have to get an increase in my dosage. I noticed this was strange but I had other things in my life that were keeping me distracted.

In May, I developed severe stomach pain. It felt like my upper chest was burning and stabbing. I tried to ignore the pain because I assumed that I just had acid reflux. I took a variety of medicines but the pain stayed. One night after visiting with my best friend, I begged my mom to pull the car over so I could throw up. The pain was so bad that I felt nauseous. My mom ended up going with me to the emergency room that night. I had blood tests done. I had a CAT scan. They gave me the pain medication. After following up with a doctor at my local doctor’s office I was told to take 40 mg of Omeprazole everyday. I made an appointment to see a GI doctor not long after for additional tests. Ultimately the doctor thought I might have H. Pylori and an endoscopy would have to be done. I couldn’t eat any food or my stomach would hurt worse than before. I started to lose weight.

I had the endoscopy done as well as stomach biopsies. There was no H. Pylori or any kind of other stomach disease. The doctor reported that my stomach looked irritated but that was it. My symptoms had started to go away but I had developed a pain in my chest and back. The pain only happened when I tried to take deep breaths, sneeze, or yawn. It felt like my muscles were preventing my chest from expanding. I didn’t tell many people about this. I only talked to my doctor about the stomach issues. He assumed I just had an illness that went away.

The chest pain slowly went away just like the stomach pain. I noticed my right eye began to become very irritated and sensitive to light. I wrote it off as allergies and that, too, went away. Unfortunately, these random illnesses were going to come back.

After my doctor recommended stopping my Omeprazole, my stomach issue came back. This time it was worse. I found that I was constantly throwing up. I had lost over 30 pounds in the past few months because I couldn’t eat. I was throwing up only stomach acid because there was nothing else to throw up. I had turned a grey color and I was exhausted. I decided to try to start on the Omeprazole again to see if I needed it for my stomach. I noticed that once I started taking it again, the symptoms went away. I was glad because I had a trip to Scotland with my boyfriend and his family. I couldn’t miss that due to some dumb illness.

The night before we left, my right knee was bothering me. It just ached terribly. I assumed I had moved it the wrong way and pulled a muscle so I took it easy until the next day when we left. I got on my flight with my knee hurting. The man next to me on the plain decided to spread his legs into my foot room. I had to squish my legs against the seat. It made my knee hurt worse because I could no longer spread my leg out straight. I sat the whole flight in agony and just wished that the flight would go faster so I could get up. However, when we landed, I could barely stand. I hobbled slowly down the aisles of the plane to get off. We found out that we had to leave the plane by descending some stairs where a bus would take us to the airport. I gripped onto the railing of the stairs and prayed. I’m not a religious person but I prayed then and there. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was in pain. I hate telling people when I’m in pain or struggling. I hate asking for help.

Making it through the airport was okay but I was limping behind everyone else. The worst part was getting on the London train. The stops were quick and we missed our first stop so we had to walk to our Airbnb which was 15 minutes of walking. For me, it was hell. That walk showed me how strong I really was. I cried so hard as everyone left me behind because I could barely walk. My heels hurt from my shoes rubbing against them. My feet had begun to throb and burn. When we finally made it to the flat where we were staying, I thought I was going to actually pass out. I had never passed out before but I swore I was close. Little did I know I was going to experience it way worse than this time.

We took a very claustrophobic elevator to the fourth floor of the flat and found out that the last people who stayed there forgot to leave the key behind. So we had to wait an hour for the people who owned the Airbnb to come with the key. We stood on the fourth floor with no air conditioning waiting for the owners. A friend offered me some of her water so I accepted it. I was so thirsty from limping. I drank the water very fast. Moments later I was also asking for a bag to throw up all of the water I had just drank. Don’t worry everyone, I only threw up water. But it sucked. Don’t drink water very fast when you are thirsty. Your body doesn’t like it. This is a warning from me to you.

I sat down on the carpeted floor in the “hallway” and I was much more comfortable. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to get up off of the floor. My legs literally would not hold my weight anymore. It took so much willpower to force myself up. I’m overweight but I’ve never had that much trouble getting up from a floor before. I was able to hold on to my boyfriend to get into the flat. We went into our room and I decided the first thing I wanted to do was shower since I was covered in sweat. This is when I discovered the spots.

I took off my clothes in the bathroom and discovered that I had red spots all over my legs and feet. They went up to my knee. I had the same kind of reaction with heat before so I wondered if sweating that much had caused my legs to revolt when it came to the heat. I just knew for certain that my feet and legs really hurt. Getting up from sitting on the toilet hurt. It had never hurt before. Getting into the shower and climbing into the bathtub was a task that required a few minutes because I couldn’t bend my knees very well without being in a lot of pain. I told my boyfriend that I was not concerned about the spots.

I went back to my room and it took almost ten minutes for me to get onto the bed because the bed was high off the ground, I’m short, and it hurt to move my legs. Getting on and off the bed for the few days we stayed there became a challenge. I would imagine the scene in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman is laying in the backseat of the truck trying to get her big toe to wiggle. I was just trying to get my legs to move even when my body begged me to stop.

Later that day I asked my boyfriend to get his mom who is a nurse. I wanted her to look at the spots on my legs. She and her husband (both nurses) were extremely concerned considering that my legs were starting to swell. I started taking ibuprofen to see if it would help. At this point both thought it was a blood clot from the plane. They took me to the nearest emergency room in London. We waited there for four hours and ended up leaving because I wasn’t going to wait any longer in their emergency room. I was jet lagged and tired. I wanted to go to sleep.

We toured London while I hobbled along. My spots were getting bigger. The next day we were going to get on a train to Edinburgh so I just hoped that the ibuprofen would stop the swelling. Little did we know you have to reserve train seats and we didn’t. I stood for the hours long train ride to Edinburgh even with my bad legs. They were so stiff from standing.

Hobble off the train. Hobble to a bench. Hobble from the station to our Uber. Hobble to the next Airbnb. Find out that our flat doesn’t have an elevator. Hobble up 6 flights of stairs. Beg for cortisone because I assume this rash needs something to put on it.

I called my doctor at home in the States while in Edinburgh and tried to explain that we had done research. The nurse who answered laughed at me when I told her I was pretty sure I had Vasculitis. Vasculitis is when your autoimmune system attacks your blood vessels.

“Drink water and take it easy.” she said. Screw her.

I had an appointment scheduled for a doctor in Edinburgh to check out the spots and swelling in my legs and feet. The doctor told me that it did look like either a blood clot or Vasculitis. She had me do a urine test. It came back with blood in my urine (most likely blood from spotting but we didn’t know that). They told me to go to the emergency room.

After arriving at the wrong hospital we finally made it to the right hospital where I was admitted into the hospital to stay overnight. They did blood tests and took very good care of me. I got a blood thinner injection in case I did have a blood clot. They also gave me a ton of steroids. I had to take 16 pills a day all in one sitting. If I had a blood clot I wouldn’t be able to go on a plane home.

Thankfully, for me, the blood tests came back negative for blood clots. I had Vasculitis. After a day of steroids my swelling disappeared almost completely and my spots began to fade. My parents agreed that I would be okay to finish my vacation overseas as long as I felt okay. So I did. And I noticed I could walk again. Back in London, I could barely walk without help and now I could speed walk by myself. I was so relieved. But this was just the beginning of my journey.

Back in the states, I went to a doctor to get blood work done right away. It suggested that I had autoimmune complications so I had to go to a Rheumatologist. A week later my stomach problems came back and I suffered for about 4 days before they faded and my eye became very red and irritated again. I wasn’t sure why I was having these weird symptoms but now that I had the Vasculitis, I assumed that these were all part of my autoimmune disorder.

Lots of blood tests later and a trip to the Rheumatologist revealed that my worsening eye problem was Scleritis. In other blood tests I had positive antibodies for Lupus as well as positive antibodies for other autoimmune issues. They made me get more blood tests as well as a urine tests. As of now, I am waiting for those test results.

I took a journey to an eye doctor immediately for my eye. They told me I have to use prescribed steroid eye drops. One prescription four times a day. One two times a day. A pill twice a day as well.

This is where I am and where I’ve come from. I’ll add posts as new things happen or if anyone wants me to talk about certain things related to my autoimmune problems.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

- Callie