#I also dislike the claims about Jack ever only loving her and doing it all for her ✨💕 I also think it simples a lot what it's happening

[jacksintention]

Concerning the conversation about love and hatred, I've compiled a few of the lines I've saved through these last two years that at times make me think of Jack when it comes to this topic

Estas manos, que son tuyas,

pero que al verte quisieran

quebrar las ramas azules

y el murmullo de tus venas.

¡Te quiero! ¡Te quiero! ¡Aparta!

Que si matarte pudiera,

te pondría una mortaja

con los filos de violetas.

¡Ay, qué lamento, qué fuego

me sube por la cabeza!

(...)

¡Ay qué sinrazón! No quiero

contigo cama ni cena,

y no hay minuto del día

que estar contigo no quiera,

porque me arrastras y voy,

y me dices que me vuelva

y te sigo por el aire

como una brizna de hierba.

.

Love has no middle term; either it destroys, or it saves. All human destiny is this dilemma. This dilemma, destruction or salvation, no fate proposes more inexorably than love. Love is life, if it is not death. Cradle; coffin, too. The same sentiment says yes and no in the human heart. Of all the things God has made, the human heart is the one that sheds most light, and alas! most night.

.

It is sometimes said that the sword wears out the scabbard. That is my history. My passions have made me live, and my passions have killed me.

.

Stronger than lover’s love is lover’s hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make.

I adore you, but I hate you too. You’re a prison smothered in flowers. I can’t stand this enchantment anymore, I can’t stand being bewitched like this–when I look at you, my gaze turns to nothing but a mirror of light, I’ll stare at you hypnotized for ages, and when I stop seeing you I’ll feel you, and when I stop feeling you I’ll die.

.

Someone tells me: this kind of love is not viable. But how can you evaluate viability? Why is the viable a Good Thing? Why is it better to last than to burn?

.

Life is a series of obsessions one must do away with. Aren’t love, death, God, or saintliness interchangeable and circumstantial obsessions?

.

she is the only thing of importance, because I have a God-relationship to her.

.

it is not she who binds me, but I who have made use of her to bind myself.

.

The thought that you exist is so divinely blissful in itself that it is ridiculous to talk about the everyday sadness of separation—a week’s, ten days’—what does it matter? Since my whole life belongs to you.

.

What have you done with me? he asks. I have repeated you.

.

But I do feel strange-almost unearthly. I’ll never get used to being alive. It’s a mystery. Always startled to find I’ve survived

Walking home, for a moment / you almost believe you could start again. / And an intense love rushes to your heart, / and hope. It's unendurable, unendurable

.

I clung to him as though only the one who had inflicted the pain could comfort me for suffering it.

I could be free … If I could pluck out the memory of him from my heart as easily as his heart was plucked from the fire, I could be free.

.

I am imprisoned by devotion. I shy away from people. I am alone. I fall into depression.

She was the world That he was losing; and the world he sought Was all a tale for those who had been living, And had not lived. Once even he turned his horse, And would have brought his army back with him To make her free. They should be free together. But the Voice within him said: “You are not free. You have come to the world’s end, and it is best You are not free. Where the Light falls, death falls; And in the darkness comes the Light.

.

I miss you like a knife in my throat.

.

Only love can save me and love has destroyed me.

Should I be grateful or should I curse the fact that despite all misfortune I can still feel love, an unearthly love but still for earthly objects?

.

My songs are filled with poison - Why shouldn’t that be true? My heart bears a nest of serpents And also, darling, you.

.

their love is like hatred

.

She did not yet love him enough to be cruel to him.

.

our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love

.

under the sincere guise of hatred I simply loved […], only in this type of love (repulsion) I loved him with greater strength than had I loved him in the simplest form — attraction.

.

Perhaps he was handsome, perhaps I found him attractive, perhaps he repelled me too.

.

Struck by the abstract nature of absence; yet it’s so painful, lacerating. Which allows me to understand abstraction somewhat better: it is absence and pain, the pain of absence—perhaps therefore love?

.

Eroticism is the brink of the abyss. I’m leaning out over deranged horror (at this point my eyes roll back in my head). The abyss is the foundation of the possible. We’re brought to the edge of the same abyss by uncontrolled laughter or ecstasy. From this comes a “questioning” of everything possible. This is the stage of rupture, of letting go of things, of looking forward to death.

.

Love is madness. Doesn’t everyone agree that you’d do anything, endure anything, to be with the ones you love? So either you’re willing to let them use you with any sort of cruelty, so long as they keep you—which makes you a fool—or you’re willing to commit any cruelty, so long as you get to keep them—which makes you a monster. Either way, it’s madness.

.

This madness is so deep-rooted and so useful that it is impossible to realize what would become of each of us if it were someday to disappear.

.

If I must die of fire, why not let me die of yours: knowing that you are the author of my doom will make it more endurable to me

.

His desire for loyalty was naive, he hadn’t understood that being loyal wasn’t so tidy, being loyal means being disloyal to everything else.

.

I have always loved you / Always dreaded you

You will betray me, as I have betrayed, / And I shall kiss the hand that does me wrong

.

Listen: the way I loved you / was like my palm over a flame.

.

If I have the destruction of something that I once loved to carry with me at all times, isn’t it like I still have a companion?

.

One can fall in love and still hate.

.

and I will kill thee, And love thee after.

.

Yet, other characters, namely Heathcliff, Catherine, and Lockwood, remain more actively at war with love in their adult lives. Some force, as inexorable as the wind sweeping over the moors, seems to have bent their lives into a pattern of frustration that their own struggle for relief only aggravates. Their need for love is expressed, not through loving, but through the anguish of loneliness. Paradoxically, though they do not know it, this loneliness is the one condition necessary for the fulfillment of their most profound fantasy concerning perfect love: a love, that is, perfectly protected against the threat of abandonment that in childhood these sufferers learned that love entails.

.

I feel you there, in every pore. Your silence clamors in my ears. You can nail up your mouth, cut your tongue out — but you can’t prevent your being there. Can you stop your thoughts? I hear them ticking away like a clock, tick-tock, tick-tock, and I’m certain you hear mine.

Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris? nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask? I do not know, but I feel it happen and it is excruciating.

[nat-20s]

for @jonmartinweek day 8! (which I definitely realized was happening and for sure did not forget lmao). The prompt was free day/au, so I picked my own theme of “pets”. The last few fics have been pretty loaded, so please enjoy some pure post canon (literal and figurative) fluff

~*~

“I can’t believe I married a dog person.”

They weren’t even supposed to be in the shelter. They had made no plans to visit a shelter. However, as Jon has been learning over the course of the past couple years, a Martin not under duress and given free time outside will inevitably end up trying to befriend any living nonhuman creature in the immediate vicinity.

“I’m not a dog person.”

“The lapful of beagle puppy would indicate otherwise.”

“Just because I appreciate the company of a very good boy, yes you are, doesn’t mean I’m a dog person. Dog person implies I have a preference. I like cats equally as much as I like dogs. Unlike some of us, my heart is open to all manner of furry friends.”

“I don’t...hate dogs.”

“Uh-huh. Is that why you won’t pet Rufio here?”

“He’s nippy, I don’t trust him. And it’s just that dogs are A Lot. I find most of them a bit overwhelming. And needy.”

“Pff, that’s no excuse. You’ve been best friends with overwhelming, and you married needy.”

Martin lets out a distracted giggle as Rufio finally gets in a lick on his face. Okay, maybe it is a pretty adorable sight, but that’s hardly sufficient enough evidence to actually let such an energetic ball of fluff into their home. Still, it’s enough to convince Jon to sit down next to them, and give Rufio a very tentative scritch behind the ears. “I think we both qualify as the needy one in our relationship.”

“Pretty sure that’s called codependency. What would our therapist say?”

“She’d probably say that’s a bit harsh. And that we still need to work on our separation anxiety.”

“Hey, you know what helps with separation anxiety?”

“No.”

“A dog!”

“No!”

They get a dog. Their flat is decently sized and they both have steady incomes and enough free time between them to take proper care of her. They don’t get Rufio, but instead a 7 year old mutt named Daffodil who is, admittedly, the most gentle and sweet creature Jon’s ever met. They also get a cat, a rambunctious 2 year old tabby named Jack (“We can change the name.” “Jon! How dare you! Jack responds to his name, clearly he likes it!”) who had already decided Daffodil was his mom, and they couldn’t possibly bear not adopting them together.

~*~

“You know, we could get a tarantula.”

“Fuck off.”

“I’m serious! They’re not, like, evil in this universe, and some of them have cutest little pink toesie woesies.”

“You’re not serious, you’re being a bastard, and I hate you.”

Martin wraps his arms around Jon’s waist and presses a kiss to the side of his face, which Jon gives a half-hearted swat at, because, again, the man’s being a bastard. Stubbornly ignoring Jon’s pout, Martin presses his cheek to the top of Jon’s head, cheerfully replying, “I’m fine with that, as long as you promise to hate me for the rest of our lives.”

“Well, I certainly can’t make that promise. I won’t even hate you ten seconds from now. I suppose you’ll have to settle for love instead.”

“Hmm. Deal.”

“We’re still not getting a fucking tarantula.”

They do not get a tarantula. Their home remains admirably spider free.

~*~

Martin’s gasp is loud enough to echo, and Jon can feel him begin to vibrate next to him. The excitement is perplexing at first, they’ve been to this bookstore dozens of times, and it’s never elicited this sort of response. Then Jon looks over to the front counter, where a medium-sized cage and a “For adoption” sign have been put on display. With a wild, jubilant glee, Martin asks, “Sonja! Are those baby. Dumbo. Rats?!”

“Sure are! I’ve got a friend who’s a breeder, I take it you’re interested?”

“Yes, absolutely, 100%, we’re getting two immediately.”

“Well…”

Martin snaps his head over to look at Jon with a look of betrayal the likes of which Jon hasn’t seen since the panopticon. “Jonathan, no!”

“Um.”

“You can not tell me you you don’t like rats! Dumbo rats especially!”

“I…”

Ticking off on his fingers, Martin lists, “They’re adorable, they’re smart, they’re cleanly, they’re extremely empathetic, they’re tickilish, which is stupidly cute, they can be trained to use a litter box and do tricks, they’re snuggly and playful and perfect! They’re all the good parts of dogs combined with the best parts of cats in one tiny portable package! Look at their little ears, that are like that because of a slight difference in skull shape that has no negative health effects! Plus, we can set them up in the project room, since Captain Jack isn’t allowed in there anyway. How can you dislike rats?”

“I don’t know! They just sort of..freak me out. Or not all of them, just their feet. I don’t like their little man hands.”

Martin throws his arms in the air, proclaiming, “Their little man hands are one of their best qualities! Look, Jon, are you genuinely afraid of them, or just slightly discomfited?”

“I would say mediumly discomfited. This isn’t like spiders.”

“Cool. ‘Cause in that case, we’re getting the light tan one and the solid white one, their names shall be Peaches and Cream, and you will love them as much as you love our dog and cat children.”

“That’s a rather bold claim.”

“It’s an accurate one. You’ll see.”

Within a week, Jon is transporting Peaches ‘n’ Cream in the pocket of his hoodie, and he can feel Martin’s smug aura from two rooms away. Damn him.

~*~

“Did you know snakes don’t have an amygdala?”

“Okay? You didn’t have to bring me to a reptile store to tell me that.”

“I didn’t bring you to a reptile store to tell you that. I brought you to a reptile store because I want to hold a cornsnake.”

Jon rolls his eyes, but the fondness in his voice somewhat undercuts it. “Of course you do.”

Martin makes a scaly acquaintance in less than two minutes, and as the snake coils around his fingers, he continues, “Anyway, if they don’t have amygladas, do they feel fear in a way similar to us, or is it only a recognition of threats and instinctual response?”

“Martin, my love, I have no idea. Is this going somewhere? It’s fine if not, I’m just checking in.”

“Yes. Because if they don’t feel fear, I’m getting this snake and naming her Georgie.”

That makes Jon let out a sharp bark of laugh, and, for a moment, he’s able to reminisce without any pain. “You know, I think she’d actually love that? She also had a proclivity for all creatures great and small. And a terrible sense of humor.”

“Wow, you really have a type, huh. Also hey! My sense of humor is fantastic! It always makes my husband laugh, and he has very exacting standards.”

“Liar. Your husband finds joy with you at the slightest provocation, no good sense of humor needed.”

“Hmm. He is a bit of a softie, isn’t he? Which is why he’ll let me get this snake.”

“He most certainly will not.”

“But….look at her….”

“It’s not a matter of how cute she is, dear. It’s a matter of you made us get pet rats less than a month ago, there’s absolutely no way you’re going to be able to feed mice to a snake.”

Martin looks at the cornsnake, looks at Jon, looks back, and his shoulders slump. With a wince, he asks, “Maybe frozen mice won’t be too bad?”

“What if she’s picky?”

“...There are species of snake that only eat bugs.”

“Cornsnakes aren’t one of them.”

Waving over an assistant, Martin puts the cornsnake back with a defeated, “Fine. When you’re right, you’re right.”

Jon doesn’t particularly feel like he’s won an argument. In fact, he’s a bit disappointed himself, he always liked snakes. Big fan of reptiles in general, actually, which is probably what drives him to say, “Lizards don’t usually eat mice.”

That’s how they walk out of the store with three leopard geckos.

~*~

Jon’s helping Martin set up the gecko tank in what can now be affectionately called a zoo when all of the sudden it strikes him. Some of the animals in their home right now have life spans of 10-20 years, and never once had the necessary longevity of care come up as a reason to protest against them. Jon had felt so at ease with the concept of a future that he hadn’t even thought about it, hadn’t been steeling himself for the other shoe to drop. He’s stopped having bated breath every time something good happens, instead taking reassurance in a sense of permanence that he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel again. Martin must hear his breath hitch, because he immediately stops what he’s doing to take Jon’s hand into his own. “Something wrong, love?”

Jon shakes his head. “No, nothing. I suppose I’m realizing that we have time, don’t we?”

Martin must know exactly what he means, the weight behind the words, because he brings Jon’s hand to his lips and says, “Yes. Yes, we really, really do.”

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

I feel like you've given most spn related things some lil spice but I always love the spice on this : hot spicy take on the "Dean is the most horrible character and ruins everyone's life and Sam and Cas are poor little meow meows who only do bad things sometimes because tyran Dean farted in their direction" takes that are not really only said by anti-Dean peeps ? Obsessed with that incredible thesis and would love the added spice ❤

SPICY HOT HOT GHOST PEPPERS CAROLINA REAPERS HELP I'M BURNING

I really try to respect other people’s opinions, and I believe there are a wealth of ways to interpret a story, and I think that’s a deeply beautiful thing. This applies to interpretations I don't agree with and outright dislike as well. That said, some opinions are simply and objectively bad, dishonest, and/or demonstrably false, and I truly do not believe you can sit down and honestly watch through the show with an open mind about all the characters, truly pay attention to what they do, say, and believe, and come to the conclusion that this show is about an evil manipulative abusive man terrorizing his pure and sinless brother and friend. It is an interpretation built from cherry picking facts to suit an ugly, miserable theory, making Mount Everest out of a bunch of the tiny mole hills, making the worst possible presumptions of feelings and intentions, and holding characters to completely different standards in order to neatly divide them into "abused" and "abuser" in a way that, frankly, fetishizes the abused person. I despise this interpretation of the story with every fiber of my being, and I have absolutely no respect for the opinion of anyone who peddles it, regardless of who they cast as villain/victim (because people have also done this with the others—it’s just more “popular” to do it with Dean... I mean... does anyone else remember how people were shitting on Sam after his emotional reaction in 14.12? Calling him an evil abuser? Because I do).

The thing that always gets me about this take isn't just how dishonest, unfair, mean-spirited, and compassionless it is in its treatment of Dean’s feelings, circumstances, and intentions... but how deeply reductive and offensive it is toward Sam and Castiel, sucking away their identities to turn them into effigies to mourn for their sad, Stockholm syndrome-esque attachment to their "abuser". Further, it grips the heart of the show—the relationship between Sam and Dean, and then the relationship among TFW as a whole—in a tight, uncompromising fist and pulverizes it. It literally rips out the heart of the show (the RELATIONSHIPS) and replaces it with something unprepossessing of any merit: A miserable, 15 years long story about a malicious abuser getting away with terrorizing those closest to him for his entire life, while his poor abuse victims suffer through until they die for him/happy to be reunited with him because they “don’t know any better” and never ever learned better, I guess. What a stupid, sad sack of a story.

Castiel is a thousands of years old celestial being who has literally beaten Dean into the pavement under no form of mind control, and has shown over and over again that he will do whatever the hell he wants, regardless of whatever Dean thinks about being sidelined. If he thinks whatever he is doing is in Dean's best interest, he literally does not care how Dean feels about it. He will nod and smile and then fly off and swallow thousands of souls with Dean begging him not to, shove Dean out of the way to attack the big bad, leave Dean alone in Purgatory, refuse to come out of Purgatory so he can self-flagellate, fly off with the angel tablet, help Sam with the Book of the Damned, let Lucifer possess him without anyone's knowledge or agreement, come into Dean's room under the guise of apologizing for ghosting him so that he can steal The Colt out from under his pillow and murder someone, decide not to murder that person and still prevent Sam and Dean from helping by knocking them both unconscious, get himself killed, make a deal to trade his life for Jack's and never tell anyone, hide information and worries and ignore phone calls, ghost Sam and Dean, and bicker and fight with Dean as if they are a married couple. Love sickness and feelings of worthlessness (which Cas has a wealth of reasons to feel—many of which aren’t even related to Dean but to his heavenly family) are reinterpreted as the result of some sort of constant, terrorizing emotional abuse. Power and authority that Dean does not actually have is forced into his hands by these fans. Maybe listen when Cas says, “Hey—not everything is your fault.” Maybe listen when he says “I loved the whole world because of you”, calls Dean a role model, says he enjoys their conversations, offers to die with him and dies for him multiple times. Maybe treat these feelings as genuine and valid and HIS and not as the delusions of some poor manipulated baby. 

Sam is framed this way even more often than Cas, and it's a damn shame, because what I typically see is this: Sam’s development into a mediator and peacemaker is twisted and reinterpreted as coming from a place of weakness and/or fear. Rationality, maturity, wisdom, and compassion are not the traits of a scared, powerless child. They are the traits of a mature adult, who has been beaten down by life, and fought and raged against his circumstances, and somehow come out of it with more kindness and understanding and strength instead of less. He has made his own decisions whenever it was possible, within the set of circumstances doled out to him. From telling his dad to go fuck himself and going to college, to getting back into hunting to avenge Jess (NOT because of Dean—Dean took him home without complaint at the end of the woman in white case), to continuing to hunt after their father died because he wanted to feel close to him (Dean was actually weirded out and sort of disgusted by this), raging and fighting to save Dean from his deal against Dean’s wishes, continuing to hunt and working with Ruby (directly against Dean’s dying wish), drinking demon blood, jumping in the cage, leaving hunting to go be with Amelia, coming back to hunting to save Kevin, fighting with Dean over what he had with Amelia and threatening to leave if Dean didn't shut his mouth, leaving Amelia to go back to hunting (Dean ultimately suggests he go back to her—Sam chooses to stay), trying to kill Benny, demanding to be the one to do The Trials and saying he is going to SURVIVE them—that being the ENTIRE POINT, losing that resolve in a fit of depression but choosing to drop the knife, demanding space from Dean (and being given it), fighting to save Demon Dean who didn’t want to be found or saved, using the Book of the Damned against Dean’s wishes, telling Charlie that this is what he wants—that he used to want normal but now all he wants is to hunt with Dean and that he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he can’t have that, unleashing the Darkness in his desperation to keep Dean with him and even saying, “I would do it again” in the aftermath, saving the town being destroyed by Amara, getting into The Cage with Lucifer, leading a team against the British Men of Letters, nurturing Jack, punching Dean in the face when he was going to sacrifice himself, leading more hunters, wielding a gun against Chuck... and that’s just some highlights. Sam Fucking Winchester does not need your bullshit about him being some sad, scared, helpless baby lorded over by mean old Dean who has never let him do anything he wants. 

Yes, in the text itself, there is jealousy and resentment at times, and there is legitimate and righteous anger on Sam’s part on a few occasions. There is blame cast on Dean by Sam for some of these choices/circumstances. Some of those moments where Dean is blamed are legitimate, and some of them... frankly, are not. Within the framework of the fucked up dynamics of the way they were raised, Sam and some fans bristle when they feel Dean is casting himself as the parent he is not, but Sam also has been guilty in the past of trying to reframe himself as Dean’s child when things got tough. Neither of them is responsible for the origin of that dynamic, but they BOTH have responsibility to change it, and they both, ultimately, succeed in doing so. For Sam, his part comes in recognizing and learning to fully own his own choices. Recognizing that he is not a child, and he is certainly not Dean’s child, and it isn’t just “Mummy—loosen the grip”, but Sam has to too—not claim independence only to blame Dean for his choices when his own decisions have an ultimate outcome he is unhappy with. That is a legitimate arc that Sam goes through imo, but he comes out the other side of it, and he and Dean relate to each other much better as peers from then on—and I’d like to note that throughout the entire series, when they don’t relate as perfect peers and teammates, it isn’t always Dean “bossing Sam around”, but Sam also trying to sideline Dean and yes—boss him around. And when they lied and hurt each other and yes, even manipulated each other, Dean most certainly wasn't always the one doing the lying and hurting and manipulating. Always, always, ALWAYS, they both had an understandable point of view, and it was complex, and you could understand why they made the choices they did, even if you thought of those choices as being wrong ones. 

I also would like to point out (because this is basically what I see all of the time) that Dean being hurt by someone or simply voicing his feelings or opinion is in no way abusive or manipulative. Dean is certainly charismatic and loved and his returning love and respect is often deeply desired, but he is not an actual siren, who bends people to his will simply by speaking or being. People are, in fact, able to tell him “no”, and frequently FREQUENTLY do. Further more, no one is owed his affection, his unwavering loyalty, or his trust. He has a right to his boundaries, regardless of if it makes some poor sad sap feel deprived of the “wellspring of coveted love” while he works through things. He can be hurt and angry, and he can wear his heart on his sleeve at times, and he can be flawed, and broken. [Insert Castiel's speech from 15.18 here]. So can Sam. So can Cas. None of them are manipulating each other by virtue of getting angry, feeling hurt, being traumatized, needing space, or having differing opinions or feelings. Sam didn’t punch Dean in the face in 14.12 because he's a cruel, manipulative abuser trying to force Dean under his thumb. He didn’t work behind Dean’s back with Ruby, insist on doing The Trials, beg Dean to use Doc Benton’s alchemy, use the Book of the Damned to cure Dean, pump him full of blood to cure him of being a demon despite the fact that it might kill him, or scream at him and fight him for wanting to get in the Ma’lak box because he “doesn’t respect his autonomy” and “wants to control him” and “doesn’t respect his right to his own body”. He did it because he loves him desperately, and Dean could stand to fucking hate himself less, and he fiercely wanted Dean to live even when Dean didn’t want to or couldn’t picture what that could be like. He didn’t force Dean to do anything simply by opening his mouth to voice disagreement and swaying Dean when he did so. Now reverse that. 

Cas didn't beat Dean into the ground in season 5 because he wanted to terrorize him into never going against Castiel ever again. He didn’t go behind his back dozens of times, sideline him, go MIA, all because he wanted to manipulate and control Dean and punish him. He didn’t throw sassy remarks at him to shatter his self-esteem. Now reverse that. 

*Breathes*

Anyway, fuck "X is abusive” interpretations. 

[winterscaptain]

still a chance.

Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader

a/n: the yearning in this one…i’ve outdone myself. okay so this one has been rolling around in my head for a long time. you’ll all be able to tell, but i love photos as a vehicle for storytelling. we use a lot of pictures in this story, and i hope you can “see” them - they brought me a lot of joy when i visualized them, and i hope i was able to do them justice. i also decided beth moves to okinawa instead of hong kong bc the museums in okinawa can’t be beat.  thanks to kira (@good-heavens-chris-evans) for encouraging me to post this tonight - you are a treasure and a gift.  words: 4,181 warnings: language, longing. 

AO3 | Masterlist | Requests Closed

+++

You kissed Jack’s temple and threw your backpack over your shoulder, leaning into the backseat. You carded through the honey-blond hair on the side of his head, reveling in the softness of it. “I love you, bud.” 

He sniffled, and it took all you had to keep it together. “I love you, too.” You could hear the effort in his voice. He was trying to be strong for you, for his dad. 

You kissed his forehead, lingering for a moment. You pulled back, your hands fluttering over his little shoulders, fussing for no reason. “You be good okay? You gotta be good for dad, alright?” You leaned in close. “He needs all the help he can get, and you’re his best teammate. You gonna take good care of him?”

He nodded. 

“Atta boy.” You straightened, slipping your arm into the other strap of your backpack. You faced Hotch, who pulled your collar from under the straps and fussed with them for a moment. He was stalling. 

“Aaron, I -”

He shook his head with a small smile. “I know. Call when you can. Your godson will miss you if you don’t.”

You nodded, taking a deep breath. “I’ll call you when I land.” 

“Seattle is great. You’ll love it.” He sounded like he was convincing himself as much as you. 

You threw yourself into his arms, and he wrapped around you as best he could with your backpack. “I love you, Aaron. Take care of yourself.” You pulled back and rested your hands on his shoulders. “Try to get me back home, while you’re at it.” 

“I’ll do my best. Fly safe.” 

And with that, you grabbed your duffle and walked into the terminal. You looked back once, finding two pairs of identical brown eyes watching you from open windows. You blew them a kiss, and they both raised a hand to catch it. 

My boys. 

+++

Emily warned you about Beth before you landed back in Virginia, but you were still nervous. Returning from a long assignment was never easy, especially when you knew coming back meant the real loss of something that never was.

You and Aaron had danced around each other for years, but never did anything about it, claiming team dynamic and stability for Jack after Haley’s death. Even then, neither one of you could deny how miserable it was to be apart. Your assignment to Seattle ended up lasting close to two years. You tried to keep in touch, but it was often too painful to be so out of reach. Your calls got farther and farther apart, but you tried to check in when you could.

Even then, you sent Jack semi-frequent gifts and care packages full of his favorite things. That boy was your favorite person in the whole world, and you his, second only to his father. It had broken your heart to leave him.

It would be a relief to see him again.

You stepped into Dave’s familiar foyer, toeing off your shoes. Everyone was in the backyard, relaxing after another homemade dinner. The whole team knew you were coming – except Beth and the Hotchners. Emily, JJ, and Dave spent an exorbitant amount of time and energy carrying off your surprise arrival.

When you stepped out into the backyard, three pairs of eyes flickered up at you before returning to their conversations. Emily, Penelope, and Derek hid the smiles that ghosted across their faces to avoid suspicion. Hotch and Jack had their backs to you, by design. Jack was watching one of Spencer’s magic tricks, Hotch was off a little ways with Emily, and Beth was at the bar with Dave.

Now was your chance. Approaching quickly and quietly, you put your hands over Jack's eyes and leaned in close to his ear. “Guess who, Jack Hotchner!”

He froze, and his little hands covered yours out of instinct. 

Wordlessly, he whirled around and threw himself into your arms. You landed hard on the ground, suddenly in tears. Jack was crying into your shoulder, his hands scrabbling for purchase on your jacket. You held him as tight as you could, the wave of emotion overwhelming you. You mumbled nothings into Jack’s baby blue button down - how much you loved him, how much you’d missed him, how happy you were to see him. You were sure none of it made sense.

“Are you staying?” Jack asked.

It broke your heart. “Yeah, love. I’m staying. I’m here.”

You weren’t sure how long you sat there, weeping together. It reminded you of those videos where parents or siblings come home from war and their kids just lose it. You never expected to be on the other side of that, but here you were. 

A hand on your shoulder jarred you from your haze. You looked up to find Aaron’s familiar brown eyes. You kissed the side of Jack’s head and stood. He stayed glued to your leg, and you picked him up, letting him hang off your hip as you straightened.

Aaron gathered you into his arms, and you wrapped your free arm around his shoulders.

“Good surprise?” You asked.

He only held you tighter.

You pulled back and swiped at the tears on your cheeks. “Whew. Alright.” You looked down at Jack, whose eyes were cleared of shock and tears, smiling up at you. “What did I miss?”

Aaron shot you a smile and gestured behind him. “Beth, this is Y/N. Y/N, Beth.”

You shook her hand with a warm smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Beth. I’m glad these boys are in good hands.”

+++

Emily offered to drive you home. You were quiet, staring out the window much of the way. Your apartment was still mostly packed, but your bed was ready for you.

“Good to be home?” She asked.

You nodded.

“There’s still a chance, you know.”

Finally looking over at her, a sigh escaped you. “He loves her, Em.”

She snorted. “He loves you more.”

You shook your head.

+++

“Y/N seems so lovely,” Beth said, settling next to Aaron on the couch.

He hummed in assent, distracted in the extreme. 

“Jack was so happy to see her. It really was thoughtful of Emily to put that together for you both.” She kept her voice light, but couldn’t help but search his face for something, anything. She’d heard he closed off sometimes, but she’d never seen it first hand. 

He nodded, still silent. “It’s been a long time.”

Beth pushed down the pang of something achy in her chest and took a sip of her tea. “Ready for bed?”

Aaron nodded, and shot her a small smile. There was so much going on behind those brown eyes. He was quiet. Quiet and distracted. 

Your absence was suddenly the loudest thing in the room.

And Beth knew it. 

+++

Your room was so quiet. It had been quiet in Seattle, too. There, though, nobody you loved was close enough to touch. A fifteen minute drive would take you to your favorite house with your favorite view and your favorite boys. But they didn’t belong to you anymore.

Jack wasn’t yours.

Aaron wasn’t yours.

Beth had them now. Sweet, sweet Beth. She was so open and kind. The immediate liking you took to her was almost infuriating. You didn’t want to like her, and yet there was nothing to dislike about her.

You were gone. You came back. She was there. 

Now what?

You rolled over and checked your phone, finding a text from JJ. 

I’m so proud of you I’m so glad you’re home. If you need anything, I’m here. 

Then, some minutes later. 

If he doesn’t pull his head out of his ass you know who to call. 

You smiled, and replied. Derek?

Fair point. Go to bed!!

+++

Your first case back felt like slipping into a comfy old pair of shoes. Building and delivering the profile was as easy as breathing, the feeling of your weapon in your hand as you cleared room after room, the tight fit of your vest across your chest – everything was something you missed. You yearned for the physical feeling of the BAU while you were chained to a desk in Seattle, and it was a relief to have it back.

You and Aaron were back in-step with each other right away. It was almost like you’d never left.

Almost. 

When a few tears slipped down your cheeks as the jet cruised through the air, headed back to Quantico, Derek reached for your hand. The rush from the past week caught up with you all at once and wrapped around your throat. 

“We missed you,” he said.

You smiled at him. “I missed you, too.”

He watched you for a moment, squinting a little. After a moment, he looked over at Hotch, who was frowning down at his phone. You brushed the tears off your face and squeezed Derek’s hand once - a reassurance. 

He knew, just like you did. Just like Beth did. 

+++

It was the next time you all were over at Dave’s that Beth finally asked. 

“What’s the story there?”

JJ looked over at you as you reclined in one of the rocking chairs on Dave’s back porch, Jack in your lap. He was regaling you with another tale from school - one of the many you missed while you were away. Hotch sat nearby on the step, his elbows on his knees, listening to his son with upturned lips. Occasionally, you and Aaron shared a look over Jack’s head, knowing and steeped in time. 

“Oh, Hotch and L/N?” JJ said, following Beth’s gaze. 

Beth nodded, taking a thoughtful sip of her drink. 

“They’re close,” JJ started, choosing her words carefully. “Y/N was close to the family - close to Haley and Aaron before Jack was born. She’s Jack’s godmother, along with Haley’s sister Jessica. When Haley died...” She shook her head. “He’d never been in worse shape, but she kept him upright. Nothing’s ever happened between them, not like that anyway, but nobody on this team has ever managed to come close to what those two have.” 

Beth hummed thoughtfully. “How did Jack take the news of the Seattle assignment?”

JJ laughed a little, but it wasn’t really funny. “Not well. He was moody and irritable for months, like his dad. Both of them eventually got used to it - being on their own again.”  

“It’s lovely to have such good friends, isn’t it?”

“Our team is a family. We take care of each other.”

+++

A rare day off found almost the entire team headed to the lake for the afternoon. You drove, with Derek riding shotgun beside you. Beth and Aaron sandwiched Jack and his car seat in the back. As always, you made sure Jack was visible in your rearview mirror as you drove. 

JJ drove the other car, with Will, Henry, Dave, and Emily. 

Derek ran the aux cord, of course - he had the best and most varied music taste of the whole bunch. You belted along to whatever he played, dancing in your seat and laughing the whole time.

God, it is good to be home.  

“Are they always like this?” Beth asked quietly, over Jack’s head. She gestured to you and Derek, holding imaginary microphones to each other’s mouths and growing quickly out of pocket, much to Jack’s delight. 

Aaron nodded, making play at a long-suffering kind of exhaustion, but he couldn’t hide the fondness in his gaze as he looked at you. You met his eyes in the rearview mirror and grinned before turning your attention back to the road. 

“Y/N enables bad behavior,” he said, loud enough for you to hear, dropping back into his usual deadpan. 

You swung your arm back and swatted at him. 

+++

“What was she like?” Beth settled beside you, a glass of wine in her hand. It was movie night at the Hotchners, and you’d wandered down the hall to stretch your legs and grab some water. 

You got caught up at the wall of framed photos, stuck on one particularly lovely one of Haley - grainy and candid. Aaron’s handwriting in the top corner informed you it was from January 1993, Bainbridge Island, WA.

You smiled. “Charming, funny.” You huffed a laugh. “Damn near the most impatient woman I’ve ever known. She jumped the gun on everything, for better or worse. She knew how to throw a hell of a dinner party and gave the best Christmas gifts. She was the best mom. Jack was her world.” You reached up, touching the frame lightly with the pads of your fingers. “I was mad at her, during the divorce. We never fought, but I was upset with her and she knew it.” You laughed down your nose. “It was the only time she was more patient than I deserved.” 

Maybe you were revealing too much, but you continued. 

“I sometimes wish I could take it back - my anger. I wish I wasn’t half as mad at her as I was when she died.” You shifted your gaze, settling on a photo of you and Haley in the hospital a few hours after Jack was born. Haley looked exhausted, but happy, her hand reaching up to Jack’s little face as you held him with a fond smile. To this day, you have no idea how Aaron managed to get that picture. You tapped the frame with your finger, your tone brightening. “That was a really good day.” 

Just like before, Aaron’s handwriting in the corner gave away the date and occasion. October 7th, 2005. Haley and Y/N with Jack, 5 hours old.

“I can imagine,” Beth said with a light laugh. Her voice was pensive, thoughtful. “These boys are lucky to have you.”

The corner of your mouth tipped up, and you offered her your arm as you turned back toward the living room. 

You liked her. You did. That’s what made it so damn hard. 

+++

“Aaron, can I talk to you for a minute?” 

Aaron turned around, pulled from his work with the dishes, to face Beth. “Yeah. What’s going on?”

Beth sat at her kitchen island, the pads of her fingers tapping restlessly on the marble counter. Her eyes were downcast, avoiding him. “I got a job offer in Okinawa.” 

His eyebrows raised. “Oh?”

“I think I’m going to take it.” She looked up at him, her lower lip disappearing between her teeth. “What do you think?”

Aaron circled the island and sat beside her, reaching for her hand. She laced her fingers with his. He leaned forward, attentive. “I don’t want you to regret anything.”

She smiled with one side of her mouth. “I don’t think I will.” She looked down at their laced hands. “In the spirit of not regretting anything, I have something else to tell you.”

Aaron was quiet. Waiting. Listening. 

“I think you should tell Y/N how you feel.” 

He startled, sitting up straight. “What?”

Beth smiled a little wider, a gentle, soft thing. It made his heart ache and his head hurt. “She has your heart, Aaron. There’s nobody who knows you better. Nobody better for you.” She squeezed his hand. “You have a second chance. I think you should take it.” 

“Beth, I -”

“Aaron. Please. I’m leaving anyway, and you and I both know we won’t be able to swing the distance.”

He sighed. 

She’s right. 

“I’m sorry.” 

She smiled, and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “Don’t be. It’s hard to see the things in front of us, sometimes. Especially when they’ve been there for a long time.”

The corner of his mouth tipped up. 

“Now’s your chance, Hotchner. Don’t screw it up.” She shoved playfully at his shoulder, drawing a wider smile from him. 

The smile fell from his face as he looked around at the decidedly unpacked house. “When do you leave for Okinawa?”

She took a sip of her tea. “Next week. The movers are coming this weekend to pack up the house.” 

He laughed to himself. She’d already made up her mind, but was sweet enough to make him feel included. He leaned over and kissed her, sweet and chaste. A goodbye. “I love you, Beth.” 

She looked back up at him with a soft smile. “I love you, too.” Then, her face transformed, a mischievous smile on her face. “Need a ride?”

+++

You were laid out flat on the couch watching a movie when there was a knock at your door. With a sigh, you rose and popped the lid on your gun safe with your fingerprint before you unlocked the door. 

I really need a peep hole. 

Aaron Hotchner was on the other side, sheepish, with his hands in his pockets. You looked behind him, Beth’s little Civic idling in front of your building. She waved at you before driving off into the night.

“Hey,” he said. “Can I come in?”

You stepped back and locked your firearm away as he stepped past you into the house. When you turned to face him, he was studying the photographs on your bookshelf. Some were photos from your childhood, faded and well-loved. Others were more recent, and you knew he would see his face staring back at him in many of the frames. He paused at the shelf that held your favorites, always within your sight and reach. 

One was a photo Dave took about two and a half years ago, before you left for Seattle. You all had your backs to the camera, with Aaron holding one of Jack’s hands and you the other. Your head was thrown back in laughter as you helped Jack leap high into the air between you. 

Another was you and Haley, nearly a decade ago. You were cheek-to-cheek, her arms wrapped around you from behind, with both of your hands holding onto her forearm. Your smiles were wide, posed but genuine. A dry, crinkly rose petal from her funeral was tucked into the frame.

There was a collage of jet photos - Emily sleeping nearly-upside-down in one of the seats, Dave and Aaron pouring over a case file, Spencer, JJ, and Elle sleeping in a heap, Emily’s nail-bitten fingers resting on her copy of Slaughterhouse Five, JJ looking out the window during golden hour, the team crowded around the latest photos of Henry on JJ’s phone. They were all photos you’d taken on a whim and printed when the homesickness grew unwieldy. A few post-it notes you found while packing your stuff landed in there too. 

Derek, Penelope, Aaron, and Spencer smiled out of the final photo. It was the FBI vs. ATF baseball game the year Jack was born. JJ had taken it, all of you in your FBI pinstripe jerseys, capturing the moment right after the game-winning pitch was thrown. Derek was the only one who played, but the rest of you rushed the field to claim victory nevertheless. Spencer held the baseball in the air, mid-shout, while you were up on Aaron’s back with a victorious fist raised. Penelope’s feet were off the ground as Derek spun her in a circle and Haley was visible on the other side of the fence, holding a blanket-wrapped Jack to her chest and cheering. 

Those photos were the ones that came to the office with you when you moved to Seattle. More than one person asked if Jack was your son, and you always said no, but with a little smile that prompted more questions. 

“Do you have copies of these?” Aaron asked, his fingers tracing the photo of you and Haley. He was careful not to disturb the delicate petal. 

You stepped up beside him, leaning your head against his shoulder. “Yeah. I have framed copies, if you want them. They’re still packed.” 

You stood in silence together for a little while, letting the nostalgia for the people and places and times past wash over you. 

“So…” you started, “are you going to tell me why Beth dropped you like a lost puppy on my doorstep on a perfectly respectable Saturday night?” 

He sighed. 

Uh oh. 

You took his arm and guided him to the couch, shoving wrappers out off the cushions (it was your day off, alright?) and plopping down in the corner. 

Aaron licked his lips, and you couldn’t help but look down at them. 

What I wouldn’t give…

“Beth is moving to Okinawa.” 

Your brow crumpled, and you immediately reached out, grabbing onto his forearm. “Oh, Aaron I’m so sorry.” 

He shrugged. “It’s for the best. I told her I didn’t want her to have any regrets, and it’s an incredible opportunity.” 

“Of course.” You shuffled closer to him, hoping your presence could be of some comfort. 

He opened his mouth and closed it again, as if he was fighting with himself. 

“Spit it out, Hotchner.” 

That drew a short laugh from him, and he ran a hand through his hair. All the air left his lungs in one huff. “You know how much I love you, right?”

You nodded, watching carefully as he flipped his hands palm-up before you. You gingerly slipped your fingers over his hands, feeling the callouses from years of handling pens and firearms. He closed his fingers around yours, his hands warm and familiar. 

“You know how much Jack loves you, right?”

You nodded. There was a point to this, you could feel it. 

“Beth said something to me tonight, and it...took me by surprise.” He swallowed, staring down at your linked hands. “She said I should tell you how I feel.” 

You squinted at him, more than a little confused. “Aaron, you tell me how you feel all the time. I know you’re not one to express your feelings with words, but you tell me how you feel every time you bring an extra cup of coffee for me, or save my favorite seat on the jet, or text me a picture of Jack.” You laugh through your nose. “You may not say it in so many words, but I know.”

You could tell he wanted to interrupt you, but you were proud of him when he didn’t. “Yes - yeah. That’s not what I meant.” 

He was growing frustrated with himself, and you squeezed his hands. “Hey. It’s just me.” 

“That’s the prevailing issue,” he said. 

What? 

“Aaron, you lost me.” 

He steeled himself, taking a deep breath. He squeezed his eyes shut, and you knew if both of his hands weren’t occupied, one of them would have been pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m in love with you. I’m -” he opened his eyes and faltered, exhaling, “so in love with you.” 

You let out a sound that was half-laugh, half-sob. You tried to speak, but you were thwarted by your own closed throat. The incandescent joy lit you up from the inside. You were hot and cold all at once and you weren’t sure if you were breathing. 

I’m so in love with you I’m so in love you with you I’m so -

Aaron stood abruptly, releasing your hands and grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair.

You swallowed, trying to get your bearings. “Aaron, wait. Stop.”

He turned, and you could see the raw hurt in his eyes. 

Oh. Oh my God he thinks I’m upset. 

Instead of ruining everything by opening your mouth again, you stood and strode toward him, grabbing his face and pulling him to you. Your lips crashed together, and you let out another completely-overwhelmed-wires-crossed noise. The tears fell down your face with abandon, but you ignored them, completely wrapped up in the feeling of his lips against yours.

You felt him freeze before he kissed you right back, his arms winding around your waist, holding you close. His hands ran up and down your back as you fought to get closer and closer to him. 

He pulled back first, chasing his breath. He pressed his forehead to yours, and you dropped your hands to his collar, winding your fingers in his shirt. 

“Aaron…” 

He surprised you by letting out a bark of breathless laughter. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” 

You pulled back, playfully lowering your brows. “How long?”

He looked up and made a great show of thinking. “Oh...I would say conservatively 2002, but that might just be when I noticed.” 

Your head fell gently to the left. You studied his face for a moment - his straight nose, high cheekbones, the bags under his eyes that seemed to get deeper every day, the stern mouth…You knew his face better than yours. It was the face that haunted your dreams. 

“What?” He asked. 

You replied, simply, “I missed you.” 

He kissed you, holding your face between his large hands like it was the most precious thing in the world. “I missed you.” He kissed each one of your cheeks. “I missed you.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I missed you.” The corner of your mouth. “I missed you.” Your lips. “I love you.”

+++

tagging: @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @wandaswitxh @hurricanejjareau @fics-ilike @octothorpetopus @ange-must-die @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @saintd0lce @good-heavens-chris-evans @angelsbabey @gublergirls @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnes @vintagecaptainspidey 

[imagineaworlds]

I Love You (Part Forty-Seven) -- Aaron Hotchner

Written By: @desperately-bisexual

Request: None.

Warnings: Cursing. Mentions of PTSD, Dom/sub relationship, death, etc-- everything Criminal Minds.. I think that’s it???

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Greenaway!Reader

Word Count: 12575

Timeline: Season 7 Episode 01. Three months after part forty-six.

For the past three months, the team had worked dozens of different cases across the country, but none of them mattered except for the one that Morgan, Garcia, and I had been working on privately. Since I came back to work and was deemed the temporary unit chief, I decided to reopen the Ian Doyle case. At first, it was just me. When I wasn’t at work, I was at home, hiding in the upstairs office, working on trying to piece all of the evidence together to figure out where the hell Doyle could have possibly gone. But then it was just too hard to keep doing it on my own, and all of my resources were wasted. There was only one person who had access to more information than I did. Garcia. So, I asked if she would be willing to help me, but it was impossible for her to keep a secret, so we invited Morgan to help us. From there, we managed to find Declan, but we didn’t tell anyone about it outside of our small group of three.

Finding Declan was an interesting process. I had hit a wall with it, hence why I acquired Garcia’s help, but she managed to find him almost immediately after she told Derek what was going on and he helped profile Emily in order to profile Declan. He figured that she had been the one to move him considering how she died protecting his identity and location. Before joining the team, apparently she lived in Reston, Virginia, something I didn’t know about her, but he managed to know. From there, we decided that it was probably to be close to Declan. So, we started narrowing it down. We knew that she liked cul-de-sacs, so as Garcia was going through the school system to find kids that looked like Declan, she compared if their guardian looked like Louise, his nanny, and if they lived in a cul-de-sac. Then, bam. We found them.

Morgan had been the one to offer up the idea of looking for Declan before Ian because if we found Declan, then so would his father eventually, which made our job easier. After that, it was just a waiting game. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much we could do beyond searching all of the footage to see if Ian ever showed up, which he never did. When Morgan and I were away on cases, Penelope kept an eye on him; and when we were in town but not working on anything, Morgan was driving baby Emily out there and taking her on walks around Declan’s neighborhood to scout the place. I think it was also just an excuse for him to have Emily more.

On our way to work one morning, Morgan and I stopped to get sandwiches for lunch, as well as some donuts from Leonard’s for the office since we were feeling generous, I suppose. At work, we split off so that he could sit in the bullpen while I dragged my feet up to my office. I didn’t understand how Hotch did it. Being away from the team all day, every day was so… isolating and exhausting. There was no joking with Morgan, teasing Reid, or… well, when Emily was around, there was no more chatting with her and gossiping about Hotch. I missed the way she used to slide in veiled threats into the conversation about how she would hurt him if he ever hurt me. So, then again, maybe it was a good thing that I wasn’t down in the bullpen anymore. Sitting at my old desk would have just given me a reason to sit there and stare at her desk all day, reflecting on what it was like to have her around, wishing that I could bring her back.

By lunch time, Morgan rescued our sandwiches from the fridge and brought them up to my office. He closed the door behind him and sat down across from me. I caught my sandwich as he threw it at me, then tossed him a water bottle from Hotch’s secret stash in his bookshelf behind the desk. I hadn’t really changed anything. For the most part, the office was still exactly how he left it. From the artwork to the family photos, to the stacks of case files that he practically left for me on his desk to work through, to his computer wallpaper of us, it was all still Hotch. The only difference was that I was finding all of his secrets now, like the water bottles, and totally taking advantage of them.

Morgan kicked his feet up on the desk, something Hotch would’ve never let him do in a thousand years, and dug into his lunch. I picked at mine for a moment while thinking. I was doing too much of that nowadays. Without my “other half” (or some cliché shit like that) around, I didn’t really know who to talk to 24/7 about what I was thinking and feeling. Sure, I could’ve talked to Morgan, but it was different. When I talked to Morgan, it was like we were brainstorming for a solution; but with Hotch, it was just like he was there to listen, and I could go on and on for hours, and he would hear me out, and he would only offer up a solution if he felt it were necessary. Sometimes I just liked ranting my thoughts to him. I liked watching how he would slowly get lost in the details of my face as I would be talking, and how he it looked like he was falling in love with me over and over again with every minute that passed. Skype and calling on the phone every day didn’t do that look justice anymore.

“Oh, my god—Oh, my god—Oh, my god!” Garcia came running into the office with a laptop balancing on one of her arms. Morgan and I turned to face her. “It’s him! It’s him!” She quickly set her laptop down on my desk and pressed play on a video. Morgan and I both leaned forward in our seats to watch the security footage from Declan’s house. “It’s Doyle—” She paused and pointed to a driver in a car passing by. It was kind of hard to see, but when she zoomed the image in and enhanced it, it was undeniably Ian Doyle.

“When was this?” I asked, jumping into action by standing from my seat and started collecting everything we had on this case thus far.

“Two hours ago.”

“He could have Declan by now. Fuck.” I looked at the two of them to say, “Okay, I think it’s time. I’m going to call Hotch to let him know, meanwhile, I need you guys to get the team together and start explaining everything. I want Reid and Rossi to go retrieve Declan and Louise after they’re briefed.” I grabbed my phone from my desk. “Go.” Just as they were leaving, I dialed Hotch’s satellite phone out in the Middle East.

Hotch and I had still been calling each other every day and Skyping as often as we could. The longer he was there, however, the busier he and I got with our two different jobs, which made it increasingly complicated to keep up with each other. But we made the effort. We knew that if at least one day passed where we wouldn’t talk, one day would inevitably turn into two, then three, and so on. I didn’t want to stop talking to him. As boring as the conversations could get at times, at least I got to see him. He was growing out a beard that I happened to love, but Jack hated. He claimed that it made his dad look old. When we could talk in private a little bit later, I told Hotch that I thought it was hot, and that I couldn’t wait to pull at it while he towered over me. He disliked when I teased him like that, though.

When I called, he picked up almost immediately.

“You’re calling awfully early,” Hotch said over the phone, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Do you have a minute?”

“For you? I have all the time in the world.”

I blushed to myself and looked down to watch the toes of my shoe dig into the ground over and over again. “There’s something you need to know, baby, and you have to promise to not get mad.” He didn’t say anything. “Morgan, Garcia, and I have been looking for Doyle while you’ve been gone.” Still, nothing. “We found Declan.”

“What?!”

“Hotch—”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this, Y/N? Do you know how stupid that was? Your whole career could—”

“I don’t care about that, Hotch. I really don’t. I knew that finding Declan was the best way of finding Ian, so I asked Garcia to help; and you know her, she couldn’t keep it to herself, so she told Morgan, and he insisted that he help us. He’s basically the one who found Declan. Without the two of them, I wouldn’t have any leads.”

Hotch sighed quietly. “Is Declan safe?”

“Yes.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Morgan’s still surveilling him—But, Hotch, listen, we were right. By watching Declan all this time, we got eyes on Ian.”

He hesitated for a moment. “You’re sure?” He sounded more scared than angry now. I hummed a “yes” in response. “Baby, listen to me right now.”

I bit my lip. “I’m listening, Sir.”

He chuckled slightly. “If you get eyes on Doyle, you need to take the shot. Got it? Don’t let him get away again.” He sounded out of breath now like he was running around. “I’m coming back to help.”

I felt my heart skip a beat and the air leave my lungs with one shocked gasp. He was coming back. After three months, I was finally going to get to hold him in my arms again, and I was going to get to kiss his lips again. Holy shit. He was coming home. My husband was coming back to me. I almost wanted to dance and cheer, scream from the top of my lungs how happy I was and that I couldn’t wait to see him; but I had to show a modicum of respect still, so I buried that feeling until I would get to see him again.

“You can do that?” I questioned cautiously. As happy as I was, could he really just abandon his post to come back like that? It sounded almost too good to be true.

“I put in the request to transfer back to Quantico about two weeks ago.” And he didn’t tell me? “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to get your hopes up on anything; but they don’t need me here anymore, so it’s not a big deal if they find a replacement.” I hopped slightly with joy and giggled. Hotch chuckled at me. “I can’t wait to see you, baby.”

Even considering the circumstances, I couldn’t wait to see him either. “Call me when you’re landing.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

----

By the time Garcia followed traffic camera footage across the state just to see where Doyle was hiding out, we had a SWAT team with snipers on call, and the team was ready to head out there. Just as I had ordered, Rossi and Reid headed to get Declan, but the drive was pretty far, so I didn’t expect to hear from them for a while, especially while we were in the early stages of staking out Doyle’s place. Morgan, JJ, and I were trapped in a van across the street from his apartment while SWAT was just down the road, and they had two snipers up on separate roofs. All of it was my call, though. The second we had reasonable cause to believe that it was actually Ian Doyle up there, I would be the one to dictate if the snipers or Morgan would be taking the shot, like Hotch said.

“That’s all Hotch said? ‘Take the shot’?” JJ questioned warily. I nodded and shrugged. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure. Why?”

She shook her head. “Nothing…”

I eyed her suspiciously for a moment, taking into account how her gaze wasn’t resting on one thing, but instead a thousand different things, like she was too anxious to focus. It was odd, but I shrugged it off with the excuse that finding Doyle was a big deal. Since he killed Prentiss, we had all been itching to find him and avenge her. Out of everyone, I knew that JJ would want to know that Doyle was dead because of us. She wanted that justice. I couldn’t exactly tell why, but she had always been like that, especially since getting promoted to being a profiler.

And then my phone started ringing with a call from Spencer who had just arrived at Declan’s house. I figured it was just an update. I mean, him and Rossi were there to simply pick up Declan and Louise, that was it. But then something worrying happened when I picked up the call: Reid sounded concerned.

“Reid?”

“Declan’s missing,” he answered quickly.

“What?”

“We just searched the house, and he’s gone, so we called the school to see if he even made it home, and they told us that his mom picked him up early.”

“Louise?” I speculated.

“I doubt it.” He sounded annoyed now. “She’s dead.”

“Fuck,” I cursed under my breath, then looked up at Morgan and JJ to tell them what was going on. They also cursed, and he hit the side of the car. “Okay. Reid, you and Rossi should meet us here in case we end up seeing—” The sound of a police car’s siren flew past our van, catching our attention. It was just a squad car. No, no, no, no. Fuck. That was going to scare Doyle off. Fuck.

“He’s inside!” Morgan exclaimed. We all turned to face the window to see the drape in Doyle’s apartment window shaking like it had just been disturbed. “I saw him!” Morgan was already fiddling with the door handle and pushing his way out of the car.

“Shit…” This wasn’t at all how I imagined this going down. We were supposed to just monitor the situation, get legitimate confirmation that Doyle was in there, not just Morgan claiming he saw him— But what choice did we have now? “Go, go, go,” I made the call, following Morgan out of the van and hanging up the call with Reid.

JJ, Morgan, and I raced inside first, the SWAT van pulling up behind us and the team moving in, too. When we reached the apartment number, JJ and I stood our ground in the hallway with our weapons raised, and I gave Morgan the signal to kick the door down, which he did without hesitating, and then he dashed inside. The three of us took turned towards different sides of the apartment in order to clear it. Morgan went straight into the living room/bedroom, JJ went into the bathroom on the left, and I stepped into the tiny kitchen on the right. He wasn’t there. Neither was Declan. Reid said that they couldn’t find Declan, so I only assumed that Doyle got to him first. Fuck! How the fuck did he—

“I’ve got something!” Morgan called out. I hurried into the living room/bedroom to see him peeking up at the ceiling inside of the closet. I cocked a brow and carefully approached. “He’s climbing to the roof.” There was a hole in the ceiling for some kind of secret tunnel that led upwards.

“Follow him,” I ordered. “I’ll take the steps. JJ, watch the door downstairs to make sure he doesn’t get out, and coordinate with SWAT to make sure that the block is locked down just in case. Get a crime scene team here to see if Declan was ever here.”

Morgan holstered his weapon then quickly pulled himself up into the tunnel to follow Doyle, meanwhile I hurried out into the hallway to start sprinting up the rest of the stairs, and JJ ran down them. How the fuck did this happen? How did we lose Declan like this, and how was Doyle actually planning on getting out of this?

And then I burst out onto the roof to see Morgan chasing after Doyle who was running for the fire escape on the side of the building. Morgan aimed his weapon, but didn’t shoot. Instead, he tried commanding Doyle to stop. Like that would help.

“I’ve got the shot,” one of the snipers said over the comms.

“Don’t shoot!” I exclaimed. “Don’t!” I knew what Hotch said about taking the shot if given the chance, but things were different now that we couldn’t find Declan in the apartment. Our only way of getting him back now was by keeping his father alive. Asshole. “Hold your fire!” When nothing came, Morgan tackled Doyle and spun him onto his stomach so that he could be handcuffed. “You got it?” I asked him. He nodded while slapping the cuffs on Doyle. “I’ll have JJ take him back to the office while we start going through everything downstairs.”

Morgan groaned as he yanked Doyle up onto his feet. “You’re not gonna let me take a crack at him?”

“Not yet.”

Doyle chuckled. I squinted at him while searching his eyes for a reason that he could have possibly found this funny. He noticed my curiosity. “Lauren was right about you.”

Morgan tugged on Doyle’s restraints to make them hurt. “Shut up.”

Doyle kept laughing as Morgan pushed him towards the stairwell so that JJ could take him to the office like I had ordered. My only question, however, was, what the hell did he mean by that? Lauren was right about me? Right about what? The question lingered in my head as I sighed and moved to walk downstairs, too.

Afterwards, hours passed while we were combing through Doyle’s apartment, trying to find clues about where he must have taken Declan, as well as compiling evidence connecting him to Valhalla and Prentiss’s death. For someone in hiding, there was a lot he had with him. Usually, people in his situation would stay minimalist and wouldn’t have all of their condemning evidence in one spot, but Doyle was so cocky that he wouldn’t get caught that he didn’t bother to keep any of his current business elsewhere. There were so many guns in that one apartment that we could have started another small army. I couldn’t understand how on Earth someone would need all of that. Then again, Doyle already had a small army, and the reason they needed to smuggle all of those weapons out of the state was so that he could maintain power in Europe while he was underground. Well, looked like all of that was worthless now.

I sighed as I stepped outside of that tiny, dirty, smelly, cramped apartment for the first time in over ten hours. It really took that long. Doyle had been sitting at the office the entire time, brewing in his own thoughts, which was our strategy to break him. If he was left in darkness and silence long enough, he would open up. Hopefully. At least, Morgan and I would give it a shot when we would head back to the office. For now, we were down tearing the entire apartment to shreds. The bastard even had papers hiding behind the wallpaper.

When my phone started buzzing in my pocket, I sighed again and dug it out. “Hotchner,” I answered.

“Mmm… I could get used to that,” Hotch’s voice echoed over the phone, making me melt.

I perked up within an instant while looking down at my watch, spotting the time and how long it had been since he last called me, and how he promised he would call when he was close to landing in Virginia. Finally, I thought. “How close are you?”

“Ten, fifteen minutes.”

It was almost morning already. He was probably going to be landing just as the sun would start to peek over the tall buildings of Quantico. “I’m coming to pick you up.”

“Y/N, you should stay—”

“Nope,” I interrupted adamantly.

Hotch chuckled. “You’re really going to be a brat about this right now?”

“Mhm. You can scold me for it when you see me.”

“God, I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Hey, sunshine,” Morgan said, sneaking up behind me, “you ready to go?”

“I’ll see you in a few minutes, baby,” I told Hotch. Before he could say anything in return, though, I hung up on him. I hid my grin as I buried my phone in my back pocket, then turned to face Morgan. “Can you handle the interrogation for a bit while I head to the airport?”

“He’s back already?”

“Yeah.”

Morgan nodded. “Go get him.” We smiled at each other. “No detours, though, sunshine. There and back.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I responded half-heartedly while already walking away from him. “Just remember, when this is over with, you and Clooney are going home!”

----

To say I was nervous would have been a drastic understatement. I had gone four months without seeing him. Four months without his touch, his kiss, his hold, his love. A lot could change in four months. People could grow apart in four months. I was absolutely terrified that even though we called each other every day, we might not have been the same Hotchners who said goodbye to each other at the airport a few months ago. I knew that I still loved him endlessly— maybe even more now that I had been starved of him for so long. But I didn’t know what happened to him out there. I didn’t know what new experiences he had that could have possibly changed him. For all I knew, he could walk off that plane in a few minutes and walk right past me without a care. I just prayed that he was still Aaron. That the man I fell in love with would walk off that plane and know exactly how to hold me again. It was like I could already feel his touch, even though the plane’s engines hadn’t died out yet. He was so far, but he was so damn close. This was the closest we had been in four fucking months, and I was just so ready to see him already.

The plane came to a slow and steady stop on the runway. With every second that passed, I felt a growing need to throw up everywhere. He was probably sitting in there, watching me through the window, grinning ear to ear because I looked so nervous and sick. He could likely see me, yet I couldn’t see anything but the sun in my eyes. He was always an asshole, but he even had to beat me to the first look. Asshole x2.

The door of the jet popped open, and it started slowly falling down towards the concrete, the stairs on the inside making a slow appearance. I thought about what was going to happen. How was I going to react? How was he going to react? Was it better to stay where I was or was it better to meet him at the bottom of the steps? I felt like even if I wanted to move towards the plane, I wouldn’t have been able to. I was frozen in place as my mind raced with questions and endless possibilities. But there was one thing that was consistent: I was going to hold my husband in my arms, and I was going to tell him that I loved him over and over again until I passed out.

The second I saw a foot step out of the jet, I started sprinting as fast as I could without stopping to think. The rest of him emerged, and Hotch looked around for me. After spotting me from the top of the stairs, Hotch jumped down the steps, dropped his bag on the runway, and started running towards me, too. He held his arms out, an invitation for me to jump and hold him tight, so that was exactly what I did. Our bodies clashed, but he still managed to catch me, even though the force sent him stumbling back a few unwanted steps. My arms flew around his shoulders, my legs wrapped around his hips, my face buried in the crook of his neck. It didn’t matter that he smelled like sweat, sand, and cheap deodorant, because he was finally home with me and that was all that mattered. Hell, I even enjoyed the smell since it just meant that I had him in my arms again.

I squeezed him tight with my arms and legs after he nuzzled his face— beard, sunglasses, and all— into the crook of my neck. The aching in my chest, my broken heart that had been falling apart during every second that he was away from me, slowly started to mend with every breath we took together. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to cry, scream, cheer, laugh, or all of the above. Every single emotion imaginable was flooding my body and the only way I could cope with it was by nearly squeezing the life out of him while repeating: “I love you, I love you, I love you” over and over in his ear. I never wanted to stop saying it. I prayed that he would never let me go again and that we could say those three words until there was no more breath in our lungs.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” we kept whispering like we were records stuck on repeat. Fuck, I missed the way he said it to me. I missed the way he said my name and the way he called me “baby”. Nothing felt more right than how he spoke to me and how he kissed my neck in between words.

When his beard started tickling my neck, I finally paused to let out a giggle. I leaned back, his arms still around my torso to hold me for support, and I got a good look at him for the first time in months. There was no screen between us, no shitty computer cameras, no god awful Skype buffer, no speakers that cut out every other word. He looked so different than how I remembered him. His face was slimmed behind the scratchy beard he had grown, and his eyes were more sunken with exhaustion— if that were even possible. Aaron Hotchner always had dark circles under his eyes, that was no secret. Between work, the kids, and wrangling me, Hotch never had time to sleep; but Pakistan kicked his ass, and I could see it in every little detail about him.

He watched me with the brightest smile I had ever seen on his face as I brought my left hand up to his face and scratched my nails gently down his beard. “This is even hotter in person,” I smirked.

“It has to go the second I get an electric shaver,” he laughed.

My smirk fell and I pouted, “Are you sure?” He nodded. “But I have literally never wanted to fuck you harder in my entire life.”

He paused and gulped. “Okay, so maybe it can stay for a few days.”

I perked up again at my little victory and scratched it again. “Please don’t ever leave me again. Please.”

“I’d rather die than go away again.”

“Don’t be hyperbolic, Agent Hotchner.” I hit his shoulder playfully. He grinned before tightening his arms around me again to make me lean in for a kiss. I grabbed his face, the hairs on his cheeks tickling my palms as I did so, and I moaned into his mouth. “I love you so much.”

His eyes screwed shut as he slid his tongue into the kiss and claimed dominance. I missed that feeling so much. I missed how he tasted, how he smelled, how he felt, how he had to dominate me every second of every day. I missed getting lost in his eyes and staring at his lips all day until I could finally kiss them until our lips were chapped. If there weren’t a million and one things going on outside of that airport, I would have begged him to take me inside and fuck me in the bathroom. It should have been impossible to need him that much considering everything that was going on with Ian Doyle, yet there I was, only thinking about showing Aaron Hotchner how much I loved him.

Hotch pulled away from my lips, but he kept his nose pressed to mine. “Emily?”

“At home with Jessica.”

“Jack?”

“At school.”

“You?”

“The most relieved I have ever been in my life.” I leaned in and kissed him again. I thought to myself: “Please, never let this end. Let us stay trapped in each other’s arms forever. Never let us get tired of kissing each other, of holding each other, of saying ‘I love you’. Never let the desperation for passion die. Never let me miss him ever again. Keep him by my side until we die of old age. Please.”

And just like he could read my mind, Hotch loosened his hold on me ever so slightly, making me drop down to my feet, and he said, “We should get back to the office.”

I shook my head. “Just… One more minute… Please.”

“One more minute will turn into an hour at least, you know that.”

“Is that so bad?”

“No, it isn’t.” Hotch cupped my cheeks and kissed me as hard as he could. After a short minute of him kissing me like he had been starved of it for years, Hotch pushed me away. Our hands fell to our sides and I bit my lip while I tried to focus on not jumping on him again. “We have to go.”

I tried to catch my breath, my chest rising and falling at a dramatic pace. It took every ounce of strength and self-restraint I had stored away to not jump back on him and kiss him again. I felt like I was going to cry because he wasn’t in my arms again. I felt like screaming and kicking— throwing a tantrum like Jack would. I felt like at any moment, the two of us would break, and I would tackle him to the ground before showering him in kisses and pinning him down so that he couldn’t leave me again.

Hotch stumbled away from me to grab his go-bag from where he dropped it because he had the same look I had, and I knew that he was sharing the same thoughts. When he came back, he took my hand, and we walked towards the car. I started catching him up on everything we knew about the case thus far. Ian and Declan, all of Ian’s business papers that he had in his apartment. I realized then just how little we actually knew. Hopefully by the time we got back to the office, Morgan would have something out of Doyle that would help.

I drove the whole way to Quantico because he was too tired from the flight and the time zones. He had one of my hands trapped in his instead of on the steering wheel, and he kept kissing my knuckles again and again. He wasn��t listening to me. Not that I blamed him. If he wanted to just talk shop and I was sitting there, not distracted by driving, I would’ve been antsy to shower him in love, too. But Morgan said no detours. As much as it pained me, he was right that there really wasn’t any time to drive home, or even pull to the side of the road to fuck Hotch. I really, really wanted to, though; so, I figured the longer I distracted myself with work, the better off we would be. After this, though… Once this was all resolved… I wasn’t letting him go.

At the office, Hotch and I headed up to the sixth floor, somehow managing to go that entire time without touching each other. I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to hold him again. While we were standing in the elevator, I stared at him and thought about pushing him against the wall, but it wasn’t worth it right now. I hated this inner battle I was having to fight between wanting him all to myself in that very moment and just focusing wholeheartedly on the case. The worst thought hit me suddenly… Maybe it would have been better if he didn’t come back so soon… I mean, he was just so distracting, I felt like I couldn’t celebrate this win as much as I should’ve been.

And then we stepped onto the floor.

“Hey.” Hotch grabbed my hand, tugging me back a few steps towards him. “You trust me, right?”

I furrowed my brows as I turned to face him. Of course I trusted him. Why wouldn’t I? He was my husband, and we made a promise to each other a long time ago to not keep any secrets from one another. I had no reason to doubt him. I wouldn’t have met him at the airport like that if I didn’t trust and love him wholeheartedly.

“You know that I do everything for a reason?”

What was he on about? Was there something I missed between meeting him at the airport and walking into the building with him? Why was he suddenly acting so weird?

I put my hands on his biceps. “Listen. I know that you told me you were in an all guys unit. If there’s something you want to say about it, I’m all ears. And I’m going to support you no matter what.” I bit back a smile.

Hotch cracked a smile. “No,” he shook his head, “that’s not what I mean.”

“Phew.” I rolled my eyes playfully. “I thought I was going to have to give you the birds and the bees talk, and how love is love—”

“Shut up.” He laughed before kissing me.

I pushed him back gently. “I’m just saying, if you’re going to cheat on me, it should at least be with a guy so that you get to experiment a bit.” I patted his chest.

He was still laughing quietly. “What am I going to do with you, Agent Hotchner?”

“I don’t know, Agent Hotchner,” I responded as I let him pull me back in for another kiss. “I’m sure you’ll think of something before we get home after this case, though.” I pecked his lips again, then escaped into the board room.

Everyone was standing behind the round table, huddled together as they discussed something about the case. It seemed as though Morgan had just finished his first attempt at getting information out of Doyle, to no avail. They were discussing how he was going to approach the second try, but no one’s ideas seemed to stick since Morgan had an excuse for why none of it would work. It was like we had hit a dead end, even though Doyle was the end, technically. He was the one who took Declan, and he was the one who took our sister from us. Prentiss was dead because of him, and we weren’t going to let him get away this time.

When Hotch walked into the room, everyone fell silent and turned to get a look at him. Hotch really didn’t seem to care about our no PDA at work rule now, because as everyone’s eyes lingered on him and his beard, Hotch came over to me, took my hand in his, and kissed my cheek. A lot changed for him in the Middle East, I guess. He missed me and he didn’t care what rules we had. He wanted to just have me around all the time, and I couldn’t blame him. But, technically, I was still the unit chief until Hotch could officially come back, and I couldn’t let us break the rules. Now I understood why Hotch was always so adamant about me behaving while at work. It was excruciatingly painful to not touch and kiss him just because I was the boss and had to set an example.

I moved away from Hotch, taking my seat at the round table. Everyone followed my lead warily, their eyes still trained on Hotch. Him and JJ didn’t sit, though. They were the only ones who stayed on their feet at the front of the room. Hotch had his arms crossed, a frown hiding under his facial hair, his eyes wandering around the room as he thought nervously about something. This had to do with him asking about my trust, but I didn’t understand how. Him worrying about something and not telling me almost immediately was only making me worry, too. He needed to spit it out fast or I would go insane.

“Everything alright, Hotch?” Morgan asked, also taking notice of Hotch’s clear unease.

Hotch didn’t nod or give any kind of reassurance that everything was alright. Instead, he shifted his weight on the balls of his feet— a silent tell that something was definitely wrong. He kept his head down now, only glancing up through his lashes occasionally to look at me. A thought struck me that maybe my joke wasn’t really a joke in the hallway. Four months was a long time to go without me, and it probably didn’t help that all he got was shitty phone sex. Maybe he really did change out there in the desert. Maybe he was showering me in love because he was going to drop a huge ass bomb that said: “I’m leaving you” or “I’m quitting the BAU and running away forever” or “I’m taking the kids and you’ll never see them again.” Every shit scenario possible was racing through my head. Like I said, if he wasn’t going to spit it out soon, I was going to start screaming for answers.

“Nine months ago,” Hotch began, “I made a decision that affected this team. As you all know, Prentiss lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. We told you that she succumbed to her wounds…” He hesitated a beat. “That’s not really the case.”

Shock filled the room as it dawned on each of us what Hotch was really saying. I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions because I really, really didn’t want to get my hopes up… but it sounded like he was telling us that Prentiss was alive. That over the past seven months, we have been led to believe that she died in that hospital.

“The truth is, the doctors were able to stabilize her, and she was airlifted to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration.”

My shoulders fell. So, it was true. Emily Prentiss was alive. The woman we mourned the loss of for seven months was… still around all along? That was why Hotch asked if I trusted him. That was why he was being so handsy. He knew that I hated it when he kept things from me. He knew that I hated it when he would betray my trust like this. I yelled at him for weeks the last time he did it— which was our suspension over two years ago. He was asking about trust and touching me as often as he could because he didn’t know if this admission of the truth was going to break us apart. This wasn’t like him lying and going to ask for a transfer out of the BAU. This wasn’t like him lying to me about his health. This was Emily Prentiss. This was our sister we lost in the field. We buried her. Why did Hotch… What… I— My thoughts were too scrambled to form another cohesive thought other than: “How could he do this to us?”

“After she got better, she was reassigned to Paris, where she was given multiple fake identities so that she could be safe,” Hotch continued.

“She’s alive?” Spencer finally asked the clarifying question we were all dying to know the answer to.

Hotch nodded shortly, keeping his eyes lowered. He wasn’t even looking at me now because of the shame and guilt he likely felt.

“But we buried her,” Spencer croaked.

Hotch nodded again. “If anyone has any issues with the executive decision that I made, then they can take it up with me.”

“Issues?” Morgan asked angrily. “Issues, Hotch? Yeah, I’ve got a few issues, but why don’t you start with the fact that you let your own wife believe that Emily was dead and let them name your daughter after her because of it, hmm? Don’t you think that you owe Y/N an explanation?”

“Morgan,” I hissed quietly. It was neither the time nor the place to discuss my daughter. I had a few choice words for Hotch running through my head, but I fully intended on keeping them to myself until Hotch and I could speak privately.

“Emily’s alive, Y/N. How are you going to explain that to your daughter as she grows up?”

“Stop it,” I demanded more harshly.

There wasn’t anything Morgan could say to me that I didn’t already know. Hotch had betrayed everything we believed in and promised each other. He had told me countless times since meeting me that he would never lie to me, and every time he ended up breaking that promise, he would tell me that it wouldn’t happen again. But there we were. Another promise broken. Even worse, though, was the fact that he made a vow to me on our wedding day that he would always be honest with me. Always. And yet he kept this a secret from me. Did he not trust that I could have kept it a secret? Morgan was right, I was owed an explanation. Hotch kept this from me, his wife for nine months. What else was he hiding? How was I ever supposed to trust him again?

I stood from my seat and turned for the door. No one said anything as I took a step but came to a sudden halt when I discovered that my path was blocked by someone in my way. I felt like I was going to pass out. There was she was: Emily Prentiss… standing right in front of me. Back from the dead.

She let out a sigh of regret, but also relief, when our eyes met. She looked sorry about how all of this happened. And she should have been. Morgan sat on our couch for months, crying because he missed her so much. I named my daughter after her because I missed her so much and I wanted her memory to be remembered. What was it all for, though, now that was standing there? What was the point now? Morgan was right to be vocally angry because he knew that I couldn’t. But as mad as I was at Hotch, I felt an overwhelming need to hug her. I crashed into her. I didn’t hesitate. Nine months without her. Nine fucking months.

Emily caught me as I embraced her as tightly as I could. She rubbed small circles on my back as she held me close. “I am so sorry, Y/N.”

I sniffled into her shoulder while I hugged her tighter. She was there. Like, really there. I wasn’t dreaming or hoping anymore. It was her. Our family was back. And I was just so relieved. I couldn’t even be mad at her. But I could tell as I pulled away from Emily and turned to look at the room with her that Morgan was pissed beyond compare. Everyone was crying because they were so grateful for the fact that she was still alive. However, Morgan wasn’t. He was standing there, pouting with disbelief, his hands curled into shaky fists that were holding in all of his anger.

She carefully let go of me and approached Morgan. “Derek, you have to believe me when I tell you that not a day went by where I didn’t think about you guys and how sorry I am that things turned out this way. You didn’t deserve that.”

“I didn’t deserve to know that you were alive?” he questioned through gritted teeth.

“You didn’t deserve to hold a dying friend in your arms.” Prentiss extended her arms for another hug, a silent offer for him, which he took slowly, as if he were afraid that he would fall right through her like she was some kind of ghost. When they embraced, however, I saw Morgan’s anger wash away. Now, he was just broken. “I’m so sorry.” He squeezed her waist as tight as he could for as long as he could before she tapped out and parted from him. She turned to face me again. “I want to meet baby Emily, if you’ll let me, once this is all over.”

I nodded, still too hesitant to say anything.

She smiled. “Okay… For now, I just want to focus on finding Declan and bringing him home safe. What do you guys know so far?”

Reid immediately jumped to his feet like this was his moment to shine, and he started asking her questions about Declan, Ian, and Louise, but I couldn’t hear anything. Everything seemed so washed out and distant. The only thing that was clear to me was the shame on my husband’s face as I stood there, staring at him, silently letting him know just how badly he had fucked up this time around. He could hardly look me in the eyes.

“Can I see you in my office?” he asked.

Everyone watched us silently, wondering if I would correct him on the fact that it was my office now. Or maybe they were waiting with anticipation to see if I was going to blow him off considering I had been glaring at him the entire time since I found out that Prentiss was alive this whole time—and he knew! But that was exactly why I indulged him. I didn’t correct him, I didn’t argue with him, I didn’t embarrass him. I simply followed him to his office.

I sat in my chair at my desk, which all used to be his before he left. He sat down across from me in one of the seats I would sit in whenever I was called to meet with him in his office. He seemed so out of his element in that chair, and, honestly, I was glad. I wanted him to be uncomfortable. I wanted him to be physically and emotionally uneasy because that was how I felt every day while he was away, and that was how I felt since finding out that our daughter’s namesake was actually alive and well.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” I inquired, reclining back. He shook his head. “You were going to just let me think that she was dead in order to, what, make me feel better about naming our daughter after her? Why didn’t you try to stop me—”

“I did try. I asked you if there were really no other names you could think of, but you were so adamant about it and I couldn’t tell you the truth; so, I just had to let it happen.”

“Is that why you left?”

Hotch froze for a moment while searching my eyes, and before he even began nodding, I knew the answer. He sighed. “It was hard to keep lying to everyone, but it felt impossible to keep lying to you specifically, especially since you took Emily’s death so hard… So, I just… I ran.”

“So, you would have stayed if I knew the truth?”

“Yes.”

I scoffed and let out an exasperated chuckle.

“Baby, I am so sorry, you have to believe me. I wish things hadn’t happened the way they did.”

“Yeah, well, you had a choice in that, didn’t you?”

“Y/N, that’s not fair. I was just trying to protect her—"

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, proceeded by Garcia cautiously stepping into the office. “Sorry, ma’am, but I found something.”

I nodded her over, holding my hand out for the file of information she put together. Hotch eyed me. Usually, it was him sitting in my current seat, ignoring me in his seat as he accepted another file from Garcia who had addressed him in the first place. Everything felt so backwards. But, then again, maybe that was what he deserved now that I knew that he had been lying to me this entire time.

“I was narrowing down a list of Doyle’s top ten enemies from what we know and what Morgan’s getting out of him. The only one who’s been in the states recently is Mr. Richard Gerace. He’s been here for the past two weeks with a work visa.”

“Is there any way to connect him to this?” I asked while flipping through the file.

“The guy who cut off the camera feed at Declan’s house had a scar on his neck...” She turned the next page for me and pointed to a mugshot of Gerace. He had the same exact scar on his neck, meaning it was definitely him who took Declan.

“Get me everything you can on him, please, Penelope,” I said while closing the file and setting it down on my desk. She hesitated. “What is it?”

“That’s everything I have.”

I sighed. “Can you call Prentiss in, please?”

“Sure…”

“Thank you.”

When she left, I sighed and looked at Hotch again. Neither of us said anything as we stared at each other uncomfortably, a barrier of trust broken between us now. I didn’t like it when he lied to me. Every time I told him not to lie to me, he promised he wouldn’t, and then he would, and I would be mad for a few days before forgiving him and moving on. How much longer was I supposed to put up with it? I couldn’t even count how many times he lied to me on my fingers anymore. Meanwhile, I could count the number of times I lied to him on one hand. At some point, enough was going to be enough, and if he wasn’t careful, it was going to be soon. As much as I loved him, I couldn’t keep living with the lies. What was more important to him? Me or protecting his secrets? If the answer wasn’t immediately me, then there was an entirely different conversation we needed to have at some point that included what our future was going to look like.

“We’re going to talk later,” I finally told him.

As we were coming back to the office together, Hotch stopped to ask if I trusted him, and at the time, of course I did… But now? I wasn’t so sure. Then again, I’d said that a dozen times before when he pulled this shit. The worst part was, that I knew that I was going to end up crawling back to him, and it was going to be an excuse for him to lie to me all over again.

Hotch nodded. “Yeah…”

There was another knock at the door, this time from Prentiss, who seemed too shy to invite herself in, even though I had requested her presence. I waved her in.

“Gerace,” I said, holding the file out for her. She slowly walked over and accepted it. “Garcia thinks that he’s the one who took Declan.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” she insisted before even looking at the file. I waited for her to explain why she thought that. “Gerace gave up on Doyle a long time ago, and he’s too much of a coward to pull something like this off. Not to mention how meticulous the abduction was. Gerace doesn’t have that level of patience and organization.”

I scoffed and wiped my palms over my face. “He was our only suspect and lead.”

“I mean…” She flipped through the file. “That’s definitely Gerace’s scar… So, I suppose he had something to do with it, but I wouldn’t say he’s solely responsible. If he’s working with a partner, he’s definitely the submissive.” She flipped another page. “Hold on—” I looked up at her. “Look at this.” She turned the file to show me one of the shots from the security footage of Gerace turning the cameras off. “Look in the background.” There was a woman standing there, watching Gerace while cocking a gun at her side. Prentiss’s jaw dropped as a realization dawned on her. “This might have something to do with Declan’s birth mother, considering the overkill towards Louise, who was Declan’s mother figure throughout his entire life.”

“Do you know who she is?”

She shook her head. “No. Doyle never told me.”

“Would you be willing to go in and get the information out of him now?”

She looked between me and Hotch, almost as if she were waiting for permission from him, but then she recalled that I was calling the shots right now until Hotch could be reinstated into the unit by Strauss and Cody. She finally gave in. “I don’t mind giving it a shot.”

Since Prentiss was still just a visitor, she couldn’t technically be allowed to wander the floor on her own. Even though she knew exactly where the interrogation room was and how to get there the fastest, I still had to usher her there. So, without saying anything to Hotch, I started walking out. Prentiss watched him silently for a moment before deciding to follow me.

“You know,” she said while catching up to me on the ramp outside of my office, “unit chief suits you.”

“It won’t last long. It’s just until Hotch can come back.”

We continued on towards the interrogation room in silence. When we stepped into the mirror room, I saw that Morgan and JJ were there, watching Doyle who was sitting on his own, staring at the wall while he silently thought and worried about his missing son. With others around to “officially” watch Prentiss, I took my leave almost immediately, heading back to my office so that I could sit down, catch my breath, and have a moment to think.

When I got there, Hotch was already gone. I glanced across the bullpen to see that he was in the boardroom with Rossi, Reid, and Garcia, all of them working on finding who Declan’s mother was in case that was the next fresh lead we would get from Doyle. They were fine on their own. For just a few minutes, I could disappear, and no one would notice. So, I closed the door, spun the dial of the blinds until they were shut tight, and I immediately broke down. I didn’t even make it to my chair or the couch. I just fell right then and there.

I started crying with my face hiding in my hands. Getting Hotch back should have been the best thing in the world, and yet it felt so shitty. I hated that he lied to me again. I hated that things went down like that. I hated that our daughter was mixed up in the drama of it all now just because of her name. I hated that I was mad at the love of my life after just getting him back, because instead of wanting to hold him close until our last breath, I wanted to kick his ankles until my anger was gone—If my anger would ever go away.

And then there was a knock at the door.

I tried catching my breath and calming down enough to wipe my tears away, but the door opened before I could collect myself entirely. I hid my face in the shadows. It didn’t matter who it was because I was just hoping that they would leave me alone now that they saw me collapsed on the floor and hiding my face while sniffling.

“Sunshine?”

I let out a choked sob when I realized that it was Morgan who had followed me from the mirror room to my office. “What?”

He knelt beside me and put a hand on my shoulder. “Come here…” He turned me slightly until I was facing him, and we immediately pulled each other in for a tight hug. I hid my face in his shirt, letting my tears soak the fabric without care. “It’s okay. I promise. Just breathe.” He rubbed circles on my back to help me calm down slowly.

I started to catch my breath by sucking in deep breaths and letting out short ones. “You shouldn’t have brought up Emily earlier,” I whispered.

He had been completely out of line when he brought up my daughter in the context of Prentiss still being alive. That was a conversation for me and my husband to have at a later time when we could talk privately. It didn’t give him permission to put our predicament on blast. I was sure that everyone had been thinking it, too. I mean, they were all probably wondering the same thing I was, which was what the hell were Hotch and I going to do now that Prentiss, our daughter’s namesake was back? But, honestly, it was none of their business. Yes, Morgan was her godfather, but he wasn’t her father, therefore, he had no say. He would be the first to know when a decision would be made, of course, but not before then.

I slid out of his arms and fell back against the wall carefully to just sit there and stare into the darkness. “It wasn’t fair,” I continued.

“I’m sorry, cupcake…” He slid down the wall to sit beside me, then took one of my cold hands in his. “My emotions have just been all over the place, and I snapped when I didn’t mean to. I know that’s not an excuse, but…” He sighed.

“I get it.” I rested my head on his shoulder. Of all people, I understood the most how Morgan felt.

“Did you talk to him?”

“Kind of…”

“Are you going to forgive him?”

“Unfortunately.”

Morgan swung his arm around me so that he could hug me close to his side. “Do you ever just miss the old days when things were so simple? Gideon and Elle were still on the team. Pretty boy was still dorky and quiet all the time. Hotch actually talked to us and trusted us.”

“You mean talked to you and trusted you.” I chuckled. “He didn’t talk to me when I first joined the team.”

“Yeah, because he had a schoolgirl crush on you. That doesn’t mean he didn’t trust you. But wasn’t it so much easier back then when you two weren’t together, and everything was just about putting the back guys away, and nothing was ever personal…” He sighed. “I think we just haven’t been the same ever since the Fisher King.”

He was right. That was the first case where we were all effected personally, and an Unsub got under our skin, and tore our family apart. I mean, I assumed that it was because of Randall Garner that my sister left the BAU. If we had never gotten mixed up in that case, maybe she and Gideon would still be around. But then again, if that were the case, then we wouldn’t’ve had Rossi or Emily on the team, and I was genuinely happy that I knew them and that they were apart of our family now. Rossi was Hotch’s best friend who liked to help me pick on him from time to time. Emily was one of my closest friends… At least before she left. I didn’t know where we stood now. That was what Morgan meant by things being easier back in the day, though, I supposed. Things weren’t so messy.

“I think you’re right,” I agreed quietly.

----

Not even an hour later, Prentiss had already convinced Doyle to tell us who the mother of his child was and how to find her. With Garcia’s help, we managed to track her down. Her name was Chloe Donaghy, and she was a notorious crime lord who ran a human trafficking and prostitution ring. She and Ian had met about eight years before Prentiss met him. When she found out that she was pregnant with Declan, she tried to kill herself to make sure that his son would never be born, but Doyle stopped her before she could even swallow a single pill, and from that point on during the pregnancy, she was his prisoner. He kept her locked away. She was chained to a bed in a locked room in his heavily guarded home for seven months straight. She was given a healthy diet for herself and the baby, and Doyle had a doctor go to check on her every other week or so to make sure that they were still okay. Once she had the baby, however, she left. She wanted nothing to do with Declan, and everyone knew it, so Doyle practically paid her to stay away and to never tell a soul about their son.

However, once she found out that Ian was a wanted man and was in hiding, she decided that she wanted a piece of him in the name of revenge. So, she got the same idea as us. Knowing that Ian would try to find Declan, she waited until someone found him first—which happened to be us—and once she knew where her son was, she jumped at the opportunity to take him when everyone was too distracted to notice. We managed to track her down to Baltimore. It looked like she and Gerace took Declan down there, and they were planning on selling him to another one of Doyle’s enemies, a man by the name of Lachlan. That wasn’t good. If Declan left U.S. soil, there was nothing we could do. It would be left up to the CIA or another agency similar to them, but they wouldn’t care. So, I made a call.

I decided that the best way to ensure that little boy would never die at the hands of a revenge driven monster like Lachlan was to have our team pursue this. I knew the risks involved with the choice. I knew that my career was on the line, and that I would inevitably be demoted as unit chief—if I were lucky. Worst case scenario, actually, was that I would be fired. But I didn’t care in the moment, because all I could think about was the fact that there was a little boy out there, wondering why his own mother was doing this, and why he was facing danger again. And then I thought about Jack. Declan was around Jack’s age. I couldn’t bear to think that it could have been Jack in Declan’s shoes, and that if that were the case, I would want someone to fight for him until he was safe at home.

So, I made the call to use Doyle as a pawn in our game. We loaded Doyle into an SUV with myself, Hotch, and Morgan, and we drove down to the airstrip where Garcia found out that Chloe and Lachlan were catching a flight at together. Emily was against the idea. She was concerned that Doyle was going to get away, or that Chloe was going to get Declan and Ian, and all of this was for nothing. I wasn’t going to let that happen. We were going to get Declan back, and we weren’t going to let Doyle get away. After everything that happened over the past few months, I was going to die before fucking this up.

“You wanna do it, or should I?” Hotch asked as we pulled up to the jet on the runway. I gestured that he could go for it, but I didn’t look at him or say anything in response. I still wasn’t ready to do that much. “Okay.” Morgan handed him the megaphone, and Hotch stepped out of the car to announce, “Lachlan McDermott and Cloe Donaghy, this is the FBI. We know that you have Declan Doyle. To ensure his safety, we would like to make a trade. Declan for Ian Doyle.”

That was our cue to show off Doyle to the world, so Morgan and I pulled him out of the car, making sure that our grip on him was strong enough that he couldn’t wiggle out. And then we heard a gunshot, and I saw a muzzle flash from within the jet. No. No, no, no. There was no way they just killed Declan. I refused to believe it, but just in case it was true, we kept Doyle close to the car so that we could stuff him back in and drive off if we had to.

Suddenly, the door of the jet started falling open, revealing the steps that Lachlan started storming down with Declan in front of him. I let out a quiet sigh of relief at the same time as Ian. It didn’t last long, however, since Lachlan immediately put a gun to Declan’s head.

“Bring him here!” Lachlan demanded, referencing Doyle.

Hotch looked over at me. “You’re still the unit chief. It’s your call.”

I sighed quietly while trying to quickly weigh the pros and cons. It certainly wasn’t ideal to put Doyle in Lachlan’s line of fire, but if it was the only way to get Declan…

“Now!” Lachlan yelled.

Within an instant, I was pushing forward, Morgan following lead by helping me move Doyle towards Lachlan. When we were close enough, we pushed him onto his knees and waited for something to happen. Lachlan smiled wickedly. He said something to Doyle, but I wasn’t listening while my attention was trained on Declan and trying to figure out how I was going to grab him on time while Morgan made sure he still had a grip on Doyle. I just had to trust the process, I supposed.

When I heard movement from the jet again, I looked up to see Chloe limping out, holding her stomach from the shot she took from Lachlan. They must have argued about taking our deal. Before I could tell her to stay back, though, I saw how she was raising her arm and aiming at me, Ian, and Morgan.

“Gun!” Morgan shouted, tackling me out of the way just as the sound of a gunshot rang through the air. I groaned as the wind was knocked out of me. Morgan rolled off me to check to see if I was okay. “Are you hit?” I shook my head. “Doyle—” He spun around on his knees to see Ian falling to the ground while holding his bleeding neck. “Shit.”

Another gunshot fired, this time from Chloe aiming directly at Lachlan, instantly killing him. In retaliation, Hotch, Reid, Prentiss, and JJ all shot down Chloe as fast as they could. Hotch ran over to me, putting his hands on my cheeks while scanning my body with my eyes to make sure that I was alright, the same way Morgan had. I inhaled sharply as I caught my breath. I got that Morgan was just trying to protect me, but did he have to go all high school footballer on me? Fucking hell. We were on concrete. The tackle was worse than getting shot, in my opinion.

“Next time, I make the call. And it won’t be this one,” Hotch whispered to me, brushing my hair out of my face.

“Ha. Ha,” I responded sarcastically. “Help me up.” We clasped our hands together, and he pulled me to my feet, letting me stumble into his chest somewhat before I caught my balance. “Thanks.” I patted his chest. “This is why you’re the unit chief.”

He kissed my forehead. “You thought you were doing the right thing, and that’s all we can ever do.”

I glanced over to Doyle who was reaching out for his son, knowing that it would be the last time. A part of me broke somewhat. As much as I despised Doyle, I had nothing against his son, and seeing a bond between a father and his son, even though they hardly knew each other at all, made me think about Hotch and Jack. It could have been Hotch instead of Haley who died in our house two years ago. We were beyond lucky that he was still with us. That I had a husband who loved me, that our daughter had a father who wanted nothing more than to raise her away from all of this chaos, that our son still had a father who would protect him no matter the cost. We were, by some definition, “lucky” that it wasn’t Hotch and Jack there instead of Ian and Declan.

----

By the time we cleaned up the mess at the airstrip, I had called Jessica and asked if she could bring Emily to the office to surprise Hotch, but also because Prentiss asked if she could meet her, and I felt like after the long day we had, we all deserved that. I mean, she was our little sunshine. If anyone could change the mood entirely, it was her.

So, when we all returned to Quantico, I told security to keep an out for Jessica and the baby—to which they all cheered about how excited they were to see her. The team went up to the boardroom to start tearing down all of the photos and evidence on the walls. Another chapter of our lives closed. Over months, we had been working on a case where we only had a fraction of the pieces. The only person who knew every part of it and could end this once and for all had left, but when she came back, it ended, and now we could just breathe again. We had our family back. That had to count for something.

When I saw Jessica arrive in the elevator, I met her there so that I could still surprise Hotch and Prentiss. “Thank you for bringing her,” I said while crouching down in front of the stroller to see my lil’ bug. She was half awake, but just lucid enough to play with my finger as I wiggled it in her face. “I owe you.”

“It’s no big deal, I swear. I was on my way to pick up Jack from a playdate, and this was on the way, anyhow.”

I glanced up at Jessica. “We can pick him up later. You don’t have to race around for us like this.”

Jessica smiled lightly. “What else am I going to do?”

I stopped to think about that for a moment, considering how we were her only family around now that Haley was gone, and Roy was… Well, Roy didn’t like having Jessica around because she was a very hands-on and task-oriented person when it came to family, and he didn’t like how overbearing and protective she was of him. So, we were the only ones that were around and in need of help. I just felt bad sometimes because it felt like she was our nanny or something. Then again, every time this conversation came up where I would tell her that all of this was unnecessary and that I felt bad, she would always argue that she loved doing it and that it was no big deal. If it really were a problem, she would have ditched us months ago.

“Okay,” I gave in. “We’ll see you at home, then.” I stood to hug her.

“See you at home.”

When we parted, she leaned over to say goodbye to baby Emily quickly, then waved to me as she walked towards the elevator. I waved back shortly before pushing the stroller up the ramp towards the boardroom. Inside, I could see and hear everyone chatting and catching up with one another. Rossi was hogging Aaron. He was so happy to have his buddy back after all this time, but he was still trying to convince him to shave the beard. Over my dead body. I loved that beard, and after everything that man put me through today, I was going to get the chance to scratch my fingers through it as he fucked me. Come hell or high water, I was going to make that happen.

I pushed the stroller into the room, and everyone fell silent. This was the first time Hotch had seen her in… months, and this was the first time Prentiss was going to meet her. Everyone wanted to be witness to it, and no one wanted to disrupt the moment. So, when I spun the stroller around, everyone held their breaths. I tried to ignore them as I pulled the top of stroller back to reveal Emily.

“May I hold her?” Prentiss asked, looking up at me with the brightest smile I had ever seen from her before. I nodded. Prentiss reached into the stroller, buried her hands under Emily, and lifted her up. “Hi, there, baby girl…” Prentiss cooed. Emily kicked and fussed in Prentiss’s arms.

As I watched Prentiss rock Emily side to side in her arms, I felt someone’s arms snake around my waist and pull me backwards into a hug. I smiled and rested my head on Hotch’s shoulder. His beard scratched my cheek slightly as he pressed a gentle kiss against it. I giggled and nuzzled into his touch as much as I could while thinking about how I missed this feeling so bad every single second he was away from me. All those rules we had for so long before he left didn't matter anymore. Not when he had been away and all we wanted was to hold each other and love each other.

“She has your eyes, Hotch,” Prentiss said while Emily giggled. “Yes, you do,” Prentiss teased with the same kind of baby-talk voice everyone used around kids. “You are just too darn cute.”

“I missed you so much,” he whispered in my ear before kissing me.

“I’m still mad at you, Aaron,” I whispered only for him to hear. He loosened his grip on me somewhat. “And I don’t know when I’ll stop being mad.” He hid his face in the crook of my neck to hide his disappointment from everyone else. “But I know that I love you, and that, with time, I’ll learn to forgive and forget about this. Until then, I just need you to bear with me while I navigate rebuilding what trust I had given you, and asking you to give me answers, or asking that you give me some space—whatever it is, I just need you to understand. Can you do that?”

He nodded against me.

“We’re going to be okay,” I sighed, almost like I was trying to convince myself, too. “We’re going to be okay…”

-----

criminal minds family: @peggy1999 @gorgeousdarkangel @alex--awesome--22 @oceaneblu @brithedemonspawn @absolutemarveltrash @bshelley322 @rousethemouse @sunshinepower17 @weexinling @pettttyyyc​ @Braty-angel

[mythgirlimagines]

As the creation of two calming waves crashing together, a calm ocean breeze is quickly birthed through them. And that calm ocean breeze is commonly known as Myth Anon, Former Ultimate Swimmer!

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BACKSTORY

Born to two happy owners of a beach house on a scenic and heart-rending beach, Myth knew how to swim, before she could even crawl, much like her older sisters before her. Upon entering middle school, she was encouraged to enter her school’s swim team and quickly became the star of the team. However, because she only likes to swim for fun, inner peace, and poetic inspiration, Myth eventually quit competing, but still managed to get enough coverage from the media to gain her Ultimate status. In her adult years, she is currently working part-time alongside her sisters at her parents’ beach house, and is currently studying to become a marine biologist, which she (unsurprisingly) turns out to be both very passionate and a veritable expert about.

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RELATIONSHIPS

Wyre Anon, Former Ultimate Detective

Wyre and Myth have been only the best of friends ever since they were children and have met one faithful day on the beach. Although Wyre is also known for their criminal sketchworks and their skills as a physical enforcer/bodyguard, it’s Wyre‘s skills as a homicide detective that made Wyre gain their Ultimate status, that is still going strong (and even stronger) in their adult years. For the eternally scatterbrained and innocent swimmer, Wyre is usually around to watch over both her and her belongings and to prevent weirdos from trying anything funny with their friend. Myth really appreciates Wyre’s help in finding misplaced items and she just loves walking across the beach with them all the time.

Outfit: A brown overcoat and a light green and yellow striped vest and a black tie over a white button-up shirt, pants that match their overcoat, darker brown leather gloves and loafers.

Anon Scar, Ultimate Programmer

Famous for creating one of the first ever instances of self-sufficient, self-teaching, and ultimately benevolent AI (known by the code name “D-3M-0N”), Scar is also a big name in online role-playing groups, where she is known as “Mother-Board, the Master Technomancer”, a ruler of a tech-based science-fiction realm who is in charge of all the high-end technology in it. On particularly busy and sleepless nights, she can even be caught acting as Mother-Board herself. Because Myth lived in a tech-less beach house, she is absolutely clueless in the ways of modern technology, and that is where heroic Scar swoops in and tries her best to teach the swimmer the way of the computer.

Outfit: Messier hair that is done up in two messy side buns, a purple hoodie worn hood-up with black and white striped sleeves, a ruffled purple skirt, black and white striped stockings and purple boots, the mask from her original design.

Fusion Anon, Ultimate Affluent Progeny

Despite only striking it rich very recently, Fusion’s business acumen helped expand his father’s failed company into a multi-million dollar industry and it also ensured that his noveau-riche parents’ finances would stay with them for a long time. He may get constantly underestimated by equally influential but longer-running business magnates, due to his situation and age. When not performing business operations, he loves gorging himself on lavish buffets and learning all he can from the massive library installed in his house. Upon entering the Kibo-Con, he began showering his fellow con-mates with lavish gifts. Needless to say, Myth really appreciated the life-sized plush walrus.

Outfit: Hair tied into a ponytail, a blue overcoat (that has a pocket watch in his right lapel) over a white button-up shirt, a pink vest, and a yellow and red striped tie, white gloves, pants that match his overcoat and the glasses and loafers from his original design.

Fusion Anon II, Ultimate Moral Compass

Fusion II attended a school with a rather high rate of delinquency, and, by the time she left for Hope’s Peak, all instances of delinquency have diminished in an instant. Claiming that she became a public moral committee because “you can‘t break the law, if you are the law” and ”I just want power”, Fusion II wishes to rise to the top of the corporate ladder and become like the rich magnates that she idolised so much, all to prove to her classmates that she is so much more than just a mousy little overachiever. Myth may not understand the moral compass’s dreams and ideals, but anyone who praises Myth’s mindset and thought process (read: actually unread sarcasm) must be a good person in her book.

Outfit: Fake reading glasses, a grey blazer over a white button-up shirt and a light blue and dark blue striped tie, a red armband indicating her position, a long skirt that matches her tie, black stockings and brown Mary Janes.

Just Anon, Ultimate Fanfiction Author

With a sparse and sporadic uploading schedule, Janon’s (or as he is known online, ”JustInThisForFun”) fans and followers commonly refer to the times he actually bothers to upload one of his fica as “Random-Time Rapture”, for you could never really predict when he will upload a fic, but anyone who reads his fanfiction would know that they are veritable masterpieces that can almost match the quality of the original works. Despite their differing temperaments, Myth and Janon love to relax together and introduce entirely new ways of relaxing to each other. Myth’s suggestions of relaxing on a particularly warm rock and lying face-up in the Con’s fountain are Janon’s two new favorite relaxation methods.

Outfit: Same outfit as the original, but with a bandolier of pens and other writing supplies.

Sparkle Anon, Former Ultimate Baseball Player

Considered a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to both Little and Major League Baseball, Sparkle catapulted her all-girl’s softball team (called The Shimmering Meteors) into stardom, with both her skills in the sport and her bombastic and dramatic personality, when on the diamond. Despite both being pioneers in women’s athletics, Sparkle and Myth‘s personalities and philosophies couldn’t be any more different, much to the confusion of the two girls. While the loud yet intelligent Sparkle plays mainly for the glory and thrill of competition, the calm yet ditzy Myth only swims for fun and for poetic inspiration. Sparkle and Myth just can’t comprehend each other’s athletic philosophies and motives.

Outfit: Hair in a bobcut, orange and pink sports jacket with her team’s logo on the back (and matching hat on her head) over a black and white baseball uniform, black cleats and a sparkly pink bandana around her neck.

Egg Anon, Former Ultimate Idol, and Wet Sock Anon, Former Ultimate Fashionista

With their twin as their loyal costume designer in tow, Egg takes in to the stage with such cursed songs as, “Deodorant Push-Pop” and “Discord DM Detonator”, which have garnered quite the cult following online, and quickly became one of the most infamous idols in show business, thanks to their song’s subject matter, as well as being one of the few ever NB idols. Egg and Wet Sock regularly love to antagonise Myth, but thanks to her ditzy and unaware nature, any and all cursed comments uttered by the twins would either be unintentionally ignored, giggled at and agreed to, or even getting used in one of Myth’s poems much to the ire of the duo who live off of attention, positive or otherwise.

Egg’s Outfit: A garishly covered fedora, a t-shirt with a cursed meme on the front, green and red striped upside-down pants, pink crocs.

Wet Sock’s Outfit: Hair over one of their eyes, pink eyeshadow, a black hoodie with white fluff, tight jeans, white and black converses.

Curious Anon, Jr. Ultimate Clairvoyant

Raised in a family that are all experts in supernatural powers, Curious stands out amongst the rest of their family with their clairvoyance powers being far above that of any other ancestor before them. This caused the fortune-telling booth that was passed down from Curious’s parents to them to skyrocket in popularity, and earn Curious a free spot in the Hope’s Peak Middle School roster as the “Jr. Ultimate Clairvoyant”. As a lover of the spiritual herself, Myth found herself fascinated by Curious’s powers, and Curious was all too happy to show off and teach the awestruck swimmer all about their powers. But than again, one could ask Curious to do anything, and they’d do it without hesitation.

Outfit: A green and off-white kimono with a red obi, brown prayer beads around their neck, white socks and brown geta sandals.

Anon Nerd, Former Ultimate Soldier

Born and raised in a territory that was eventually wracked by the spoils of war, Nerd was drafted into his cruel nation’s army, thanks to a combination of his natural anger-induced strength and his natural talent in piloting, repairing and even inventing war weapons and machinery. All the time spent combating both potential and certain threats made him constantly hostile and quick to anger, even in his adult years, when the war was long over. Taking sympathy on her fellow chaperone, Myth decided to teach Nerd all sorts of relaxation techniques (that mostly just involve wading or lying in water), but to no avail, for Nerd has feelings for someone that he would much rather blast with his scouter (read: Myth).

Outfit: A black suit of armor with built-in-weapons and the scouter from his original design.

Eldritch Anon, Ultimate Novelist

Under the pen name “R.C. Wells” (because he doesn’t want evil corporate executives to trace his location), Eldritch particularly specialises in dystopian novels that seek to expose the real world for the apocalyptic wasteland that it‘ll become, if the sheep (read: his audience) remain oblivious to all the horrors of the world they’re living in. Despite Eldritch’s blatant dislike and constant insulting of his audience, he only has the best of intentions for the world, and he thinks that the written word is the best way to combat against the propaganda in the media. Needless to say, Myth‘s relaxation tactics doesn’t exactly sit well with the constantly-worried novelist, so he avoids her like the plague.

Outfit: Reading glasses, a pencil behind his ear, a brown overcoat over a white dress shirt and a red tie, dark brown pants and matching shoes.

Dream Anon, Ultimate Gambler

Despite what her age and her childish personality would suggest, Dream is a veritable genius, when it comes to turning the odds to her favor, and winning boatloads of money at the gambling tables and betting on sports. Dream is infamously referred to, by her foes, as “Lady Luck’s Lovechild”, for her seemingly supernatural ability to make luck fall into her favor and guarantee her automatic wins, against otherwise dangerous odds. Just like with Curious, Myth found herself fascinated with Dream’s supernatural luck-changing powers and likes to sneak under the gambling tables and watch Dream gamble to uncover her secret, much to the embarrassment of the gambler.

Outfit: A grey and white fedora and pantsuit with card suit-themed buttons, a pink undershirt and heels.

Iris Anon, Jr. Ultimate Martial Artist

As current heiress to the Ryuseitai Martial Art’s Dojo, despite what her clumsiness and regular slip-ups suggest, Iris is regarded by martial artists everywhere as a prodigy in combat, who is able to take down foes that are at least a foot taller than her. Iris is also quite the excellent instructor, teaching her elementary-aged students all about mindfulness and positive thinking, which helps breed a brand new generation of strong martial artists. Because of their shared interest in mindfulness and odd philosophies, Iris gets along very well with Myth, who has a similar nature to her, and they have regular meditation sessions underneath a waterfall hidden in the forest behind the Kibo-Con.

Outfit: Hair tied into two Sailor-Moon-esque buns, a pink gi with a big purple star on the front and back, pink sandals, bandages all over her body, the hoodie from her original design tied around her waist.

Purple Anon, Ultimate Lucky Student

Being from one of the more wealthy families in her neighbourhood, Purple was signed up to Hope’s Peak’s annual Lucky Student raffle by her parents, and her supernatural luck meant that she was the lucky girl selected to attend. Because Purple was sheltered a lot, she is very timid and regularly speaks in old-fashioned and archaic terms. Because of a majority of these qualities, Myth and Purple get along very well, thanks to their shared interest in writing poetry, and Myth’s fascination with both Purple’s supernatural luck powers and her odd mode of speech, which sounds much like her own. Whenever they get together, hardly anyone can tell what the two girls are saying.

Outfit: The original outfit, but without the beret and a four-leaf-clover pinned to her sweater.

Watch as this oddball swimmer either befriends or baffles the people around her!

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PERSONALITY

Needless to say, Swimmer!Myth is one hard-to-read swimmer, for she has quite the odd thought process and an equally eccentric vocabulary, often speaking in odd poetic terms about water or marine life, and always searches for inspiration for her poetry. Swimmer!Myth also has a strong love for the supernatural, and can usually be seen learning about and getting in touch with her calm and spiritual side, if she’s not swimming or lying back-up in shallow bodies of water. Swimmer!Myth also gets easily distracted, and regularly wanders off, requiring a buddy to help ground her back to Earth (read: Detective!Wyre). Swimmer!Myth is also heavily empathetic, and, in spite of being an athlete, actually hates competition, which is why she dropped out of being an Olympic-level competitive swimmer years ago, and she really treasures her loved ones.

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APPEARANCE

Swimmmer!Myth has long and wavy brown hair with a French braid tieback, that she can put up in a ponytail while swimming, and blue swimming goggles on her head. Swimmer!Myth swims practically all the time, and her simplistic outfit reflects that perfectly. She wears a pink, blue, and purple wetsuit with blue frills on her sides, a pink translucent shawl and a seashell necklace around her neck, along with purple flip-flops on her feet.

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Now that I’m finished with this AU, I’d love to hear your opinions on the talentswap! In the meantime, look out for more content made by your’s truly!

-Fusion Anon

[papermoonloveslucy]

MEET THE PRESS

August 3, 1969

You are clued into the frank and tough talk to come by the way Lucille Ball swipes away with her handkerchief at the flies threatening the hors d’oeuvres The kerchief almost snaps like a wet towel. 

The scene is the pool patio of her home on Beverly Hills’ Roxbury Drive and a cocktail party is in progress for visiting television editors. 

Lucy has just emerged from the main house. She wears a powder blue double-breasted slack suit and saucer-sized sun glasses. In the blazing sun her orange hair has the color intensity of hot coals. 

She has counted heads. Husband-producer Gary Morton is there. So are Desi Arnaz IV her son, and Lucy her daughter. And her TV side-kick Gale Gordon with his wife. Plus a half-dozen of her staff and CBS emissaries. There have been introductions all round to the newspaper types. It is time, she announces, to talk and she waves everybody into the big and comfortable pool house. A table has been positioned so that she can sit there presiding as she used to do at the stockholders’ meetings of the old Desilu Studios. 

Almost immediately some wag fields her the question: “Lucy do you run the show?” She flashes him that big innocent TV look of hers. A staff member jumps up “Let’s all answer that one for her” There is a resounding “YES” from family-and-cast. Everybody laughs uproariously.

Very few questions are required to prime the pump. Lucy, it seems, has some matters of personal irritation on her mind and as far as she is concerned they come tumbling out without any prodding from her would-be interrogators. 

First of all, she asks rhetorically, what’s all this business about whether she would retire? “I never said I wanted to quit or retire. There was a time when I was willing to quit but nobody asked me. Now I’ve set a date when I’ll retire” 

A lot of ears perk up Somebody asks slyly — when? She’s waiting for that. Her answer is smilingly emphatic: “When I drop dead in my tracks.” 

She turns then without anybody’s questioning to the matter of her longevity in television. This is her 18th year on the tube and it used to be talked about that she traded her popularity to CBS in return for its buying other shows produced by her company. This evokes an almost visible jet of steam out of the top of her carrot locks. “I never at any time sold any of the 20 shows our company produced on the basis of my returning each season. I’ve said that literally hundreds of times and nobody believed it.” 

She went on to make it clear that she also dislikes the “big business” image which has adhered to her over the years. “I never like to talk about big money. I make my deal and that’s all. It’s been mostly a matter of legal procedures.” 

As the star wades into these fiscal subjects your eye roams over the assemblage. Young Desi in tennis togs impassively studies the smoke curling up from a cigarette. Young Lucy clutches her hands around her knees and stares intently at her mother. Husband Gary sitting on a ledge at the back of the room swings his legs and smiles. 

There has been no mention of Desi the elder the former husband Lucy’s co-performer and co-founder of Desilu Studios (now sold). Earlier this writer had chatted briefly with young Desi. He said he saw his father off and on and spends his summers as a rule at the father’s beach home at Delmar, south of Los Angeles. 

The youngster asked if I knew his grandfather Dr. Desiderio Arnaz who lives in Coral Gables.  (1)

But back to Lucy She’s telling us how many years it took to realize that as Lucille Ball she had attained V.I.P. status.

She reviews the years she spent trying to make it in show business, first on the stage, then as a model, and finally in the movies. Much of the time she says she stagnated. Until television came along. 

“I never had any sense of importance. I was very pliable always willing to do what I was told It wasn’t until one day I saw in print somewhere some actress described as a ‘Lucille Ball type’ that I knew suddenly I was somebody and a part of the business.” 

From there on the interview jumps from subject to subject. 

I ask her whatever happened to the project Dean Martin’s producer Greg Garrison had for starring Martin, her, and Jackie Gleason in a revival of the musical “Guys and Dolls.”  (2)

“I never said I would do it. Garrison kept publicizing it, but he never cleared it with me. I do still want to do ‘Diamond Jim’ with Jackie It’s just a matter of finding the time.” (3)

A lady editor wants to know how Lucy keeps her sinuous figure. 

“I don’t particularly like food. I’m not very fond of meat, for example, except in the morning.” 

Which brings a snort of disgust from her husband. “Can you imagine what it’s like to have to watch her eating corned beef or hamburger at 6 o’clock in the morning?” 

The questions now go to the children. What are Desi’s plans? Does he want to make acting his future? “I want to be an actor for awhile but I don’t think I ever want to be one certain thing.” 

Young Lucy, who, at 18, is two years older than her brother, is more sure of her future “I’ll go to college for awhile but I like acting. I’ll stay at it if I can.” 

Would she somebody asks join the campus protest and carry a sign? Only if it says ‘wet paint’ quips she. 

Lucy now introduces her cast veteran, Gale Gordon. He pays her extravagant compliments and talks a bit about his radio and early television days. 

The interview’s late arrival is venerable George Marshall, who is now the show’s director. Lucy introduces him as “our sexy senior citizen.” Marshall goes back to the dawn of movies and is filled with fascinating anecdotes about his years in the business. (4)

The conversation turns to TV’s talk shows. Somebody suggests to Lucy that she would be a highly likely guest for Merv Griffin’s new show starting on CBS Aug 18. (5)

Lucy's answer comes lancing back “That’s what you think. I don’t like him.” Which rocks everybody back. Why not? “Because he doesn’t know how to interview. He’s rude to his guests and he monopolizes the conversation.” 

She doesn’t wait for the next question. “I’m wild about Dick Cavett (on ABC) I think he’s great And I told Bill Paley (board chairman of CBS) he should have him on our network. But Bill said ABC got him first and we’re out of luck.” (6)

Everybody is suddenly distracted by three teen-age girl fans leaning over a fence way up front. They’re begging to be allowed on the grounds. Morton jogs forward to shoo them away. 

“This happens all the time,” says Lucy. “My God they used to picnic right in front of the house until our police department stopped them. Jimmy Stewart, who lives up the street, finally told me how to keep them away. Turn on the lawn sprinklers.” 

Morton returns and takes everybody for a tour of their luxurious but very lived-in home. Lucy tells us a funny story about how Jack and Mary Benny had once been their next door neighbors sold their home then asked her to try to mediate a re-sale of the place back to them. Then we take our leave.

#    #    # FOOTNOTES FROM THE FUTURE

(1) Dr. Desiderio Alberto Arnaz y Alberni II (1894-1973) was a Cuban politician and the father of Desi Arnaz. He graduated from the Southern College of Pharmacy in 1913 in Atlanta, Georgia. Desiderio Arnaz II was the youngest mayor of Santiago de Cuba (1923–32). When president Machado was overthrown in August 1933, Arnaz was arrested and jailed. Six months later, he was allowed to go into exile. He married Dolores "Lolita" de Acha y de Socias in 1916 and had one son, Desiderio "Desi" Arnaz III. He later had a daughter, Connie Arnaz (1932), with Anne M. Wilson, whom he married in 1941.

(2) Guys & Dolls was a 1950 stage musical by Frank Loesser, based on the stories by Damon Runyon starring Robert Alda, who appeared on several episodes of “The Lucy Show” and “Here’s Lucy”.  It was filmed by MGM in 1955. During that time, Lucy and Desi were also under contract to MGM, so they prevailed upon “I Love Lucy” to insert a clip from the film into “Lucy and the Dummy” (ILL S5;E3). After its initial airing on October 17, 1955, the clip was removed from the film print, and for legal reasons, has never been restored. It is unclear whether Garrison’s project with Martin, Ball, and Gleason would have been a film revival, or a stage production. Whatever it was to be, Lucy wanted to have no part of it, perhaps remembering the rigors of performing on stage in Wildcat (1960). During her film career, Ball was in two films based on Damon Runyon material, The Big Street (1942), a film she claimed as her favorite, and Sorrowful Jones (1949). She also did a radio version of Runyon’s “Tight Shoes” in 1942. Ball and Gleason would have been cast as Miss Adelaide and Nathan Detroit, while Dean Martin would have played Sky Masterson, the romantic lead. Those roles were played by Vivian Blaine, Frank Sinatra, and Marlon Brando in the film. Obviously, the project never came to be. 

(3) “Diamond Jim” was a project that Lucy dearly wanted to make with Gleason. He would play Diamond Jim Brady (1856-1917) to her Lillian Russell. Ball even went so far as to have a script written to further grab Gleason’s attention. Despite their best intentions, Gleason and Ball’s schedules never allowed for enough time to make the film. 

(4) George Marshall (1891-1975) had directed Lucille Ball in Valley of the Sun (1942) and Fancy Pants (1950).  He was considered an expert at location shooting, so when “Here’s Lucy” wanted to spend the first four episodes of Season 2 on location, Marshall was hired as director. He stayed on for seven more episodes of the sitcom before bowing out. 

(5) Despite Lucille Ball’s rather harsh public assessment of Merv Griffin (1925-2007) at this August 1969 press party, Ball appeared on “The Merv Griffin Show” four times between 1971 and 1980! During her first appearance, the aforementioned George Marshall was also a guest! 

(6) Lucille did seem to enjoy doing the talking to Dick Cavett, although she only got to do his chat show once, on March 7, 1974, in conjunction with her press tour for Mame. 

[masterhandss]

Hamefura Idol AU! (part 2)

Here’s a completely unrelated Katarina idol art by @Sangotofura on twitter!

This is a continuation of my first post, the one that is more of an overview of the original FL game and the original descriptions of the characters. I don’t know if I want to write a story for this, since again this is just an excuse to draw, but I’m really having fun with expanding the alternate version of the world of hamefura.

It’s a lot of fun to rewrite hamefura’s story to fit in an idol setting, so I hope you guys don’t mind if I write a bit more for my dumb au dhjgfjs

More tidbits about the ‘Game’:

The game’s name, Fortune Lover: Cinderella Idol! or “Fortune Lover”, is read as “for-tune lover” by the fans (get it? tune?? pls laugh). The ‘F’ of the name is written as a fortissimo.

In the setting for Fortune Lover, the entertainment industry is the biggest industry of all time, with music being the most popular form. It has been like this for decades, and as time progressed, people’s tastes and expectations of music evolved, leading to the creation and popularity of idols.

Idol-Producers are a new project that is testing the capabilities of a idol teen, observing how their involvement in their own success can impact how they manage their time and how they can bring the absolute best out of themselves, on their own. Maria is the first idol who will be testing this new style. She is still a producer to herself, the boys, and even Sophia and Mary if you choose to have them join you. Despite being an idol, they still call Maria their “producer” and treats her like one. 

The characters in the game are in 3D CG, as the game includes the dance choreography or “MV Mode” if you perfect the score of the rhythm game. 

While Katarina’s bullying isn’t really death threatening, it’s more in line with the petty kind like verbal threats, sabotaging Maria’s idol clothes and stage equipment, paying someone to mess up her tracks during performances, badmouthing her infront of tv show producers and hosts, and stuff like that.

Katarina’s bullying isn’t as bad as it is in the original otome game, but she gets shunned by the public because behavior like that is only supposed to be done behind the curtains. The public has such a pure and honest perception of idols that they never think of the idea that the girls who smile and sing on stage actually try to stab each other in the back when the stage lights are off. Some people think that Katarina’s character is just a persona, so knowing that she is actually an ignorant and arrogant rich girl idol-wannabe, her fans lose respect for her. Katarina’s harassment of Maria is one of the few cases that are brought to light by the end of the game, and because of how much the public loves Maria by that point, they are enraged by Katarina’s behavior, making her lose support on all sides

Katarina had been in love with Gerald ever since they were children, and while Gerald has always been a popular boy among both his peers, when she found out Gerald was going to be an idol, she disliked the idea of sharing her beloved Gerald to a huge audience of people, so she became an idol to stand alongside him and to make herself worth of him by charming him as as an idol and gaining a large following herself. Despite this, Katarina didn’t strive too hard to be a talented idol, as she was too confident on herself due to the pampering of her parents.

Even if the player doesn’t desire to romance any of the four boys, given how the game is written and how it is programmed, the boy with the highest relationship points with Maria will confess to her by the end of the game. It would be impossible to not interact and gain points with the boys, as you gain relationship points in most areas of the games (when you “practice” your characters, when you “play” their songs, when you “give” them new clothes, when you “converse” with them in story mode, etc.). In the event that there are two characters with the exact same amount of points, the game will choose a boy for you.

Sorcier Pro.’s current president is Geoffrey Stuart (for reasons that will make sense someday) 

Katarina-Gerald and Mary-Alan aren’t engaged in this au, but are constantly in each other’s presence due to most powerful bussinessmen and celebrities being good friends with each other. 

Each girl has a specialty in a certain area: Katarina with dancing, Sophia with singing, Mary with acting/drama, and Maria (according to the official description of her in the box) with fashion coordination. Maria can be seen as more of a jack of all trades though, as she does represent the player. 

While any of the boys can trigger the condemnation event that will lead to Katarina’s social suicide, the event is specifically associated with Keith and Gerald due to the severity of her presence and bullying if you have high relationship points with the two. With Alan and Nicole, Katarina’s event only happens for a few lines, but for Keith and Gerald, it takes place in complete detail, with it’s own animated cutscene. 

Gerald’s route is also the most popular among the fans, with community surveys reporting that 53% of the game’s player base had Gerald as their final chosen love interest ( 25% with Keith, 12% with Nicol and 10% with Alan)

Monkey Girl/Past-Life Katarina

Since Maria’s name can’t be change in the game, but you can give her a “nickname” that represents the username of the player, Past-life Katarina’s name in the game is “SaruP” (or “Monkey producer” lol)

Saruchan (Monkey Girl) dies before she could finish her playthrough of the game, and all of her knowledge is based on her idol-expert best friend Acchan. She’s a bit tomboyish, and she loves to climb trees and move freely without a hint of poise or shyness, and is friendly to all genders. Her love for climbing, running, gardening with her grandma, and never ending amounts of energy gave her a pretty strong, flexible, agile and energetic body.

In Saruchan’s world, idols do exist, but aren’t portrayed in the cutesy and exaggerated manner that fiction does. Though it’s no surprise to know that in her world, almost every girl had dreamed to become an idol at one point, even herself. Acchan doesn’t find the idea interesting though, as she only lives for the idealized version of idols that exist in fiction. Acchan explains that girls their age are being brainwashed by the idealized version of idols that are presented in the media that they consume, and that they should wake up and learn to enjoy the fictional idols as they are. Despite Acchan’s realistic disapproval of idol fantasies, she does love playing idol rhythm games and gacha games, and spends her allowance on getting DLC costumes for Maria in FL. Acchan even pre-ordered tickets for herself and Saruchan for an idol concert featuring the VA of the characters, that they were supposed to attend to on the day that Saruchan dies. 

She dies the game way: on her way to school and being killed by a truck that runs her over. 

The last thing Saruchan sees before she loses consciousness forever is the wallpaper of the game’s boxart from her phone screen as it flies out of her hands. 

My Next Life as an ‘Idol’?? All Routes Lead to Doom!!!

As usual, Katarina ends up remembering her future as an 8 year old kid, and plans to prepare for her future “banishment” and humiliation. She learns to farm in order to provide for herself once she gets shunned and retreats to the countryside, and (unknowingly) meets all the characters in the game and gains their good favor before the events of the game begins. 

Her head bump still happens with Gerald, but their encounter happened in a party rather than an engagement meeting, with her tripping over a rock as she decides to run to the young man in order to introduce herself. Such introductions never got past beyond their names and few exchanges of dialogue, as the bump occurred and Katarina was immediately brought to the hospital after he called for help. 

Being a girl who wanted to be an idol at one point, Katarina wanted to use this chance to fulfill her dream of becoming one! But knowing the fate that will await her, (public humiliation, isolation, and banishment to some degree) she tries to figure out ways to avoid ruining her future.

While not as bad as death, Katarina is aware that the ending of the game implies that the blemished opinion that everyone will gain of her will lead to her leading a miserable life; one that will prevent her from gaining new allies and even studying in peace without being made fun of or called out for. It might even ruin her marriage prospects, for all she knows (it doesn’t but she’s too stupid to know that). The stakes of the bad ending aren’t life threatening, but it is personal, as Katarina always dreamed of becoming an idol as a teen and doesn’t like the idea of being able to enjoy it for a few months only to be dragged down to hell right afterwards.

The Claes is a wealthy family known for her father’s knowledge and skills when it comes to trades and business, and for her mother’s beautiful opera singing voice and celebrity presence. As usual, Katarina’s father adopts Keith for the purpose of gaining a direct heir for the business, in fear that Katarina’s future significant other might just to interested in her to gain it. 

Katarina’s plan is to learn how to farm in order to be able to support herself after her banishment, give Keith lots of love so he doesn’t end up becoming a playboy like in the game, and to train herself in dancing and singing in order to not embarrass herself like the original Katarina did. After meeting Gerald again and realizes his weakness, she eventually prepares (or buys, since the setting is modern) toy snakes that she can use to surprise him whenever the condemnation event occurs, using his shocked and panicked reaction as a way to distract the media from the claims that will surely fall upon her (since no one would have expected the calm and collected Gerald Stuart to scream like a girl at the sight of a toy snake, right? That would stay in the headlines for weeks! maybe).

As a kid, she has private singing tutors, and takes more general singing classes when she gets older. She doesn’t have dance training as a kid, but she does like to exercise and move her body around, so it slowly turned into the stamina-filled flexible body that she is used to. 

Katarina and Keith - Their meeting and impressions are mostly the same, which the difference being that Katarina used a display axe above a fireplace to break down the door, and Keith got her injured by accidentally pushing her off a pretty high cliff in the Claes grounds while they were both running and playing chase (rather than being isolated for dangerous Earth Magic, Keith as a child was a clutz who attracted danger to everyone around him, making his older brothers make fun of him for being “cursed”).

Katarina showers him with love, making him affectionate towards his step sister, in the same as he was in the original material.

When Keith finds out about Katarina’s desire to train to become an idol, he is very supportive of her, and decides to train with her in order to be able to stand by his sister on stage (as well as to generally gain the same interests as her in order to guarantee that they will stay close as they age). The contrast being that instead of becoming an idol to gain the adoration of millions of nameless faces, he now wants to become an idol to gain the love and attention of a single person, which is Katarina uwu. 

Katarina and Gerald - Gerald eventually attempts to visit Katarina to apologize for the incident, expecting her to blame him for what happened, given the personality she showed him. He was shocked to find a scar on her forehead, farming while wearing a farmer’s attire despite coming from a wealthy and esteemed family, singing and dancing to a song as she waters her vegetables. He watches for only a minute, unable to look away from the girl who danced like deflating balloon and sang off key while almost drowning her small vegetable in water. She looked weird, but she was having the time of her life, and he could see and hear it from where he stood.

 In a daze, thinking he might have entered the wrong house by accident or walked on the daughter of a maid doing chores. He walks out and leave the Claes estate without a word, and visits again after only a few days, as he couldn’t get his mind off of the oddity that he had witnessed. 

He eventually realizes that it was Katarina on his second visit, as he finds the scar of the odd farmer girl on the same girl who boasted about her family’s wealth in the party. After giving formal introductions, Gerald offers to walk around the garden to get to know each other better, in order to continue the conversation that she had originally forced on him back in the party (it was done to be polite and respectful, rather than any interest to continue). In the garden, they pass by the area that Katarina had planned to turn into her farm, and Gerald was in awe at how unorganized and messy everything looked (there was dirt everywhere, the tools were left on the floor because she had to prepare to meet him, there was more bags of manure than what was even needed etc! Katarina internally cursed at her 8 year old delicate rich girl body for not having the same arm strength as her 17 year old self). It was then that it sunk in that the adorable singing and dancing farming girl that he accidentally saw really was Katarina Claes. She wasn’t the very definition of abnormal, but she was nothing like the daughters of his father’s friends that cried when not attended to or complained when not given the best dresses and shoes. There was no shred of worry about her family’s expectations in her eyes, nor expectations of him to act like his perfect and matured self whenever they met in parties, movie premiers or social events, which made him yearn for her company. 

After finding out about Katarina’s desire to become an idol one day, Gerald secretly planned to do the same (and even have her recruited in his brother’s agency) in order to become closer to her through her love of entertainment and to have a chance to be constantly in her presence. When he found out about the charms that male idols have on their female fans, he also plans on using this as an opportunity to gain both her attention and romantic affection, by perfecting his (already maxed out) charms as male idol. 

Katarina and Mary - The two met during a part hosted by Mary’s mother in the Hunt Estate, inviting all of her mother’s old opera acquaintances, sponsors and co-workers for a formal reunion. Katarina and Keith accompanied their parents to the party, leading them to be introduced to the Hunt Family’s daughters. As usual, Katarina had the urge to “release the chocolate shark” during the party and takes an elegant leave. She eventually gets lost in the estate and finds herself in the garden. Katarina was in awe of the garden’s beauty, and stood still as she watched what seemed like beautiful siren sing by herself near a majestic fountain, with a single rose in hand. 

Mary was surprised to hear an aggressive applause after singing to herself. Katarina aggressively complimented Mary for her adorable yet elegant voice, and asked who she was seeing as a singing trainer. When Mary replied that she was not having any singing or vocal training, Katarina rains even more compliments down, claiming that “her voice was that of an angel!”. Mary denied it, so Katarina proceeded to sing the same song that she had sang, as a point of comparison to make her feel more confident in herself. Mary shyly and unexpectedly joins her, and they ended up having a small and quiet duet in the garden. Katarina’s voice sounded a bit rough and squeak-ish, but alongside Mary’s elegant and controlled singing, they didn’t sound bad at all. 

When Katarina finds out that Mary is also the one who tends to the flower garden, she proceeds to shower Mary with even more compliments, and asks her to visit and help with her own farm garden. Being complimented for having a beautiful voice and a green thumb made her feel validated and appreciated, so she often visits the Claes household in order to be in constant presence of her first and dearest friend. The rest is the same.

When Mary found out about Katarina’s dream of becoming an idol, she started taking intense vocal training as well as various exercises in order to be able to join her in her endeavor. She slowly built a more brazen and tough personality in order to be able to join and protect her friend from the rumored cold and intense reality of the idol world, as well as due to the antics of her friends. 

Katarina and Alan - From Mary, she eventually finds out that the event where Mary duets and falls in love with Alan occurred. Katarina realizes that duet must not have been that effective because she has done the same with Mary, but is confident that Mary is in love with him because Alan is a very talented and handsome individual. A few days later, the fourth Stuart son bursts into the doors of the Claes household, and demands to meet with Katarina. She learns that Alan had developed a small crush on Mary, and that he wants to challenge Katarina for her hand. Same shenanigans ensues, leading up to the piano duel where his talents in the piano was in full display to everyone in the manor. 

Katarina knew how to play the piano (just the basics though), so she was in awe listening to someone who almost sounded like a pro! Alan runs off after Gerald compliments him, Katarina chases after him, and they got to talk behind a bush. Alan wouldn’t take her compliments, but Katarina aggressively insisted that his talents are nothing to scoff at. 

When Alan says that he’s sure that his brother can play just as good, if not better than him, Katarina speculates that it wasn’t the case, because everyone had things that they are good and bad at. Not everyone is the same, no one learns at the same pace, and that she’s sure even if Gerald can play the piano better than him (and she doubts he can in the first place), no one can play the piano like Alan can. The scores in his heart are his alone, and that nothing is more beautiful than the melody that the heart enacts. Katarina knew that the score he played wasn’t an existing one, and knowing Alan’s character from the game, it’s probably either an impromptu score or one he had composed by himself. Her guess was correct, leading Alan to be caught off guard by her compliment, almost feeling emotional as no one had ever guessed and believed that the music he played was his own, until Katarina did. 

She shows off the power of the toy snake to Alan, making him laugh and see his brother in a different light. He still constantly visited Katarina for their duels, but as time progressed, he lost the affection for Mary (as he saw her as a little sister now after interacting with her in the Claes Household) that made him want to challenge Katarina. They still followed up on those challenges, for fun rather than for sport. 

When he finds out about Katarina’s dream to become an idol, he is determined to join her in order to be able to compose songs and melodies that she can sing, intending to bring out the absolute best of his muse’s voice with his own music. Someone his age might not be fit to compose songs for an idol, so he intends to become one as well in order to gain a reputation as a competent composer. 

Katarina and Sophia - The two meets at an afternoon party hosted by the Stuarts, as a celebration for the birthday of the twins. Katarina had to “powder her noes” after a few trips to the buffet table, and leaves Keith and Mary. She’s chased down by a dog, climbs up a tree, and accidentally watches a group of kids and older bully a small girl who sounded like she was about to cry. The same events occur, up to their second encounter in the party. Katarina accidentally quotes a line from a novel that she was reading, and after realizing that Sophia understood her reference, she asked for them to meet again in order to discuss their similar interests. 

Everything is pretty much the same, the difference being that somehow idols were brought as a topic of conversation, with Sophia revealing that she is actually a huge fan of idols. Katarina, feeling reminiscent of her idol-expert best friend Acchan, tells her that she actually wants to be an idol herself and insists that Sophia tell her about everything she loves about idols. Sophia, who is surprised to also find another idol fan who is as young as her, becomes even more excited and tells her all about her love for idols: how they are able to wear such adorable outfits onstage, how they sing songs that carry so much meaning, how they carry their fan’s dreams with them when they dance and sing, how amazing it is to be able to juggle so many occupations at once, and much more. 

With both love of novels and idols, Sophia constantly finds herself in the Claes Household in order to talk to Katarina about books, idols, song recommendations etc. 

When Sophia was first told that Katarina wanted to be an idol, she was very supportive of her and announced herself as Katarina’s number one fan. As time passed, she realized she wasn’t just satisfied with just watching Katarina from afar, she wanted to sing and dance alongside her! She wants to use her knowledge of romance novels and idols to help make herself and Katarina the best idols to ever exist! She wants to sing on stage about her feelings: about how much she loves Katarina, idols and their beloved novels!

Katarina and Nicol - When he found out that someone had invited his little sister to a small book club, he was very wary, thinking that she was one of the many other girls who tried to use Sophia in order to become closer with him. He was shocked to realize that that was not the case, and that Katarina had barely seen him at all, and had opened his timid little sister’s heart. When Sophia asked Katarina if she found her appearance creepy, Nicol proceeds to explain further, expecting to see a hint of guilt or displeasure from Katarina Claes, only for both of them to be met with unyielding determination to have Sophia as a close friend. Sophia went home that day in tears, thankful to have found a friend who truly wanted to stick by her side. 

The Claes siblings often visits their home so the girls can have their book club, even bringing Mary Hunt with them occasionally. Katarina, while looking a bit flustered, is capable of having a conversation with him without averting her eyes, which was a breath of fresh air to the countless camera crew, staff, visitors and even strangers who couldn’t look him in the eyes because how of how much of a beautiful child model he was. It all leads up to the moment where Katarina compliments him with how blessed he is to have such a beautiful and wonderful family, which contrasted against the ignorant adults who pitied him for having parents who refused to abuse the potential of his beautiful face and for not being as beautiful as their son, as well as for having a freakish looking sister. 

Nicol, just like his sister, desired to constantly be in Katarina’s positive presence, and visited her often, leading them to be acquainted and friends with the entire group that Katarina enraptured. 

When he found about his sister’s and Katarina’s desire to become idols, Nicol thought of doing the same, in order to be able to continue to watch over and protect both Sophia and Katarina, as well to be able to continue being close with Katarina (as their lack of similar interests and age gap might lead her away from him, but tbh that is never gonna be a problem with Katarina). He also plans to use his influence as a child model to propel Sophia and Katarina’s careers, as a way of supporting his two favorite girls. 

Notes

I’m not sure how I feel about Gerald’s backstory, I might rewrite that if anyone kindly wants to critique it.

Instead of Mary’s green thumb, it’s her voice that leads her to Katarina and Alan, but I still think Sophia would still have a better singing voice than her, so both her voice and green thumbs both play a part in her character. Mary’s high pitched voice gets a bit deeper as she ages, while Sophia’s voice stays very high.

I really like the idea that rather than the original ambitions and goals that leads the harem to become idols in Fortune Lover, now it’s the effect of Katarina’s constant insistence and declarations of becoming an idol that leads to everyone doing the same. In this timeline, the harem probably wouldn’t have thought of (or planned early) becoming an idol if Katarina never brought it up. 

I’m writing this at midnight again, lol, but yeah I’m not planning on writing a fanfiction for this, I guess, but I do want to have an established plot so rather than chapters, I’m just writing a full overview for fun haha

When I mentioned that Sophia loved idols, I didn’t realize that I might have accidentally implied that she was just as an idol fan as Acchan was, but with actual idols this time, so I went with :DD

I’ll touch up on Idol Katarina, Anne, Maria, Sirius/Raphael and Fortune Lover 2 in the next one.

I’m really happy that there are people who actually read my previous post and said that they liked it! Feedback and suggestions are appreciated! I still need a final name for the units so help me pls hahaha.

I’ll rewrite this post when I feel like adding/changing stuff.

[onebadwinter]

The Joker Tropes Part 2

Taken From Here and here

Nether Realm Studios especially seems to love making Joker out to be evil incarnate. In Injustice: Gods Among Us and its sequel, he loses all his cred (and life) once he nukes Metropolis; Harley ditches him entirely, Batman just completely gives up on indulging him any more, even Guest Fighters like Hellboy consider him worthless, and non-Batvillains such as Grodd and Brainiac and even Darkseid loathe him for either Metropolis, or just in general principle. Mortal Kombat 11 shows that even the MK cast see him as a scourge upon the realms, and also express distaste toward him for either his nuking, a previous outing, or because he's seen as a buffoon who cannot be taken seriously (this is usually the case for other villain characters).

About the only person who can tolerate him for long is Lex Luthor, only because they both have the same level of hatred for their respective enemies. Even then, Luthor prefers to keep his distance from the Joker, if only because a bored Joker screws with everything For the Evulz.

In the animated series, he claims to have been beaten as a child when interviewed by Harley Quinn. It is unknown if this is true. According to Batman, he's simply making it up.

In one issue of New 52, he claims to have been driven insane by an abusive grandmother, who also bleached his skin to its present pallor.

In the same continuity, he is one to a baby gorilla he adopts, trains up as a gun-wielding henchman, and ultimately gets killed off for laughs.

In the comic book adaptation of Injustice, it's implied Harley fears Joker would be one, and gives their daughter to her sister, lest he kill the child. It's left ambiguous whether the Joker's even aware of the ruse.

Averted in one story, wherein one of Arkham's doctors realizes Joker's faking insanity just to piss off Batman as revenge for his disfigurement. Another doctor finds the report and excitedly reveals it to the current head doctor, only to learn that  the Joker left it for everyone to read, since the paper's written by Harley Quinn, and therefore worthless as evidence.

In Batman: The Man Who Laughs, it's established that the name "The Joker" was given to him by the media, and he liked it so much that he decided to call himself that.

The same happens in Joker (2019), where Murray tells the audience to "look at this joker" when talking about Arthur. Arthur took it to heart.

Batman: Arkham Knight takes this even further by revealing that being forgotten is the only thing the Joker truly fears.

Just to demonstrate how much disregard he has for his henchmen, a reoccurring motivation for offing his own lackeys is failing to laugh at one of his jokes. Or laughing too late. Or laughing for too long. Or laughing at the wrong joke. He's... unpredictable.

The Joker loves it when people laugh with him, whether genuine or not, but if someone laughs at him, they're most likely already dead.

Joker loves attention and being above the normals, so never imply that he's not interesting or unique. Terry exploits this flaw in Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker just to drive him to a Villainous Breakdown.

The Batman Who Laughs. Since the character's first appearance in Dark Nights: Metal, the mere mention of him is enough to put The Joker in an uncharacteristically un-jolly mood and is a good way to get on his bad side. In fact, the dislike of this twisted version of his archnemesis is so great, that when Lex Luthor and The Legion of Doom started cooperating with him against Joker's protests, he quit the legion (after non-lethally jokerizing every other member of it) in disgust.

If you're going to hurt Batman, do it right. One of the supplementary stories for Joker War had him beyond furious with Bane - to the point of promising him he'd kill him in a way he would never see coming - for showing so little imagination in killing Alfred in City of Bane without even letting Batman listen to it to torture him. By his reckoning, if you have a great gag to break the Bat, use it to break the Bat - don't blow it by having Robin be the only one to witness it.

Originally Conrad Veidt from The Man Who Laughs.

Later portrayals base themselves on his actors, with Cesar Romero a popular candidate, and after Jack Nicholson came in, artists such as Alex Ross base him on him, such as the actor's distinct widow's peak and slicked back hair.

During Knightfall he and Scarecrow killed several members of a SWAT team, and one of his last actions in Batman: No Man's Land was to kill Commissioner Gordon's second wife, Lt. Sarah Essen.

One of the alternate realities seen in Zero Hour! was one where he killed Commissioner Gordon instead of crippling Barbara.

Part of the reason Gordon takes over the post of Commissioner in both The Dark Knight Trilogy and Batman: Arkham Series is due to the Joker killing Gillian Loeb. Additionally, the first game in the latter series, Asylum, he sees several of Arkham's guards killed by him and his men.

He's holding a dead cop's corpse in his intro in Injustice: Gods Among Us and using it as a puppet. He also talks to the body of one of the Regime enforcers who captured him once he breaks out and heads to Gotham.

Whether he was driven insane or was already insane and became completely bonkers.

Where he is on the spectrum between "wacky prankster" and "utterly depraved and sadistic sociopath and murderer".

Whether he is a senseless, performative terrorist wreaking havoc for kicks or a deceptively cunning and competent criminal mastermind. Or both. Usually both.

He's no Batman, but sometimes he is a proficient hand-to-hand combatant, Knife Nut or marksman, and other times a flimsy wimp who goes down in one punch. In some of the grittier settings, his raw strength, numbness to pain and viciousness are enough to level the playing field with Batman.

Whether he actually loves Harley Quinn varies. In the animated series, (where Harley first appeared) the writers haveoutright said he's a sociopath incapable of loving anyone, and just sees her as a useful mook. Some other works imply he really does love her on some level (although he's usually still an abusive asshole.)

He can either be Faux Affably Evil, Laughably Evil, just a Monster Clown, or some combination of the three.

At least one such incident implied he would be interested in Batman... but only after he was dead. Again this may only have been a tactic to get under Batman's skin or truthful admission. The readers will never know for certain.

His plot in The Killing Joke is to put Jim Gordon through the wringer hard in the hopes of driving him mad. He'll also try to drive Batman over the edge (particularly, drive him to break his "no killing" rule), sometimes by cutting off all of Batsy's human connections.

The Dark Knight reworks it into Driving Gotham To Senseless Violence with wanton acts of destruction or terrorism, just to prove everyone's as bad as him deep down.

Ironically, a 1952 story has the Joker get himself falsely committed to an insane asylum, to question a patient who knew the location of a cache of money. The end of the story has him Laughing Mad due to a prank Batman used to disguise his identity.

He didn't have his signature laugh. This seems to have been a way to "goofy up" the character to make him less terrifying in the days of the Comics Code Authority. Later on, he'd learn to giggle while remaining terrifying.

He actually committed crimes for moneynote , and wasn't really interested in causing chaos or terror for a joke's sake.

Building off of that, his plans weren't really "insane" until the Silver Age (at which point it's not even fair to say this was exclusive to him), nor was there any question of the character's mental stability.

His obsession with Batman wasn't there, much less the idea that he would pass up chances to kill the Bat or learn his identity. This aspect was probably introduced to explain the Bond Villain Stupidity he (and every Batman villain) had become infamous for in the Silver Age.

His clown-like complexion was actually makeup in his early appearances. He even removed his makeup to disguise himself as a cop, which was referenced in The Dark Knight. It's later revealed that the look is permanent after falling in a vat of chemicals.

The Brave and the Bold #111 and #191 have him team up with Batman to clear his name after being framed for several murders. The first instance turned out to simply be a framing the guilty part occasion but the second instance was actually genuine on Joker's part (except the person Joker seemingly murdered turned out to be faking their death).

He also does this with Batman whenever The Batman Who Laughs is involved (specifically in the Dark Knights: Metal series).

He abruptly ends a partnership with Red Skull when his Nazi affiliation comes out. Red Skull simply wonders why he is so surprised when he thinks that the Joker would make a great Nazi. The Joker is NOT happy about this, proclaiming "I may be a criminal lunatic, but I'm an American criminal lunatic!" It even provides the trope's image. And yes, folks, even an equal-opportunity murderer like the Joker despises the Nazis!note

The exception is mentioned again in the Last Laugh arc where the Joker immediately refused to join the American Neo-Nazi Aryan Alliance group in the Slab after he was offered membership. Joker: I'm evil and all that, but you guys are just plain mean.

Will not harm dumb animals and doesn't condone it. There's no humor to be had in that. Higher primates apparently do not qualify but a lot more effort went into that one.

While in Arkham with villain Warren White, AKA the Great White Shark, Joker calls him the worst person he ever met. He states that while he may kill people, even he doesn't steal their kids' college funds.

Sees nothing funny about someone parking in a handicap spot when they're not handicapped. However, he does think it's hilarious to hurt them in ways that will make certain they'll always be able to park there.

A girl named Janey Bennett, whose class was studying criminal behavior, became pen pals with the Joker while he was in Arkham. When Janey revealed that her father, the mayor of Motor City, was abusing her (exactly how isn't specified, though it was implied to have been really bad) the Joker broke out and, convinced that the authorities would be of no help, tried to force the mayor into admitting to his crimes and giving him Janey (so that he could find a better home for her) by threatening to contaminate the city's blood supply, going through with it (because the ends justify the means) when the mayor refused to give in to his demands. He originally intended to give her to Batman as well so he could protect her but at the end decided to give her to her mom. Joker: I mean, stealing a city blind is something I can admire... but being mean to one's own daughter... that just makes my blood boil.

For a rather literal form of "standard", the Joker's team-up with Carnage in Spider-Man and Batman: Disordered Minds fell apart in part because the Joker, known for his love of theatrics, found Kasady's desire to get straight to killing boring. Conversely, Kasady didn't like the Joker's flair for theatrics.

The Joker absolutely loathes The Batman Who Laughs, to the point where he drops his usual joking demeanor and is deathly serious whenever directly referring to him, even willing to work together with Batman to face him when it comes down to it. When Lex Luthor goes behind his back to make a deal with The Batman Who Laughs (going against the only condition Joker has for joining his plan), Joker responds by Joker-gassing the Legion of Doom, putting Lex into a series of deathtraps, trashing Lex's Power Armor, and quitting the Legion. In the process, he tells Luthor how he had planned on ruining the Legion utterly on the verge of victory, and as nightmarish as his plan sounded, he claims it is nothing compared to what the Batman Who Laughs is going to do.

While he still gloated about it and found Commissioner Gordon kneecapping him funny after remember that he'd crippled Barbara, the actual act of killing Sarah Essen in the penultimate issue of Batman: No Man's Land is one of the few times the Joker wasn't happy with something he himself did, considering he's seen walking away while scowling afterward, leaves the babies he originally planned to murder unharmed and immediately turns himself in to the police.

Emperor Joker sees the Joker disgusted with a corrupted Jimmy O Lsen tormenting the Superfamily and Batman when they're turned int animals.

Later one he is disgusted when his minions vandalize the Moai on Eastern Island.

Again, when he rescues Lex from The Batman Who Laugh's infected minions in Hell Arisen, the mere mention of his alternate universe rival prompts him to have a very uncharacteristic Freak Out. The Joker: I told you. I told you not to deal with him. You should have shot that thing in the head the second you had it in a cage! It is wrong. It is a wrong thing.

Played more straight in his relationship with Punchline. Only time will tell if it lasts.

There’s also a comic storyline when Hush informed that a dirty cop Office Halmet killed his wife Jeannie. The Joker wanted nothing more than to kill said cop in revenge. Then there’s Batman: Three Jokers where, despite it being being heavily implied he was abusive, the “Comedian” Joker is seen setting up fake tea parties with dolls, clearly trying to substitute them for his wife and child showing that he does miss them and desire to be a family with them.

While The Dark Knight is one of the few times the Joker's clown-like appearance is the result of make-up, he does sport a Glasgow Grin.

While Joker still has the permanent clown look, it's combined with the Glasgow Grin.

While Batman: Endgame would see the skin of his face restored with a chemical called Dionesiumnote , at the start of The New 52, the Joker had the Dollmaker skin his face and then, after he recovered it, spent Death of the Family wearing it like a Leatherface-esque mask. And even in Endgame, his restored face ends up badly burned as the result of the finale battle between him and Batman, though it still ends up restored again.

Gotham sees neither Valeska escape this. After his death in season 2, Jerome (the proto-Joker) ends up resurrected in season 3, but because Dwight thinks his attempt to revive him failed, Dwight ends up cutting off Jerome's face ala Death of the Family and Jerome ends up stapling it on when he catches up with Dwight and while he later has it properly reattached, there's still scars from what happened. Jeremiah, Jerome's twin and the show's true Joker, ends up with the "perma-clown" appearance due to Jerome having the Scarecrow brew something up to spray in Jeremiah's face, but season 5 sees his fateful fall at Ace Chemicals badly scar his face and sear off most of his hair with only stringy patches left.

Averted entirely in Joker (2019), where his clown appearance is entirely makeup, and the worst it gets is painting his iconic smile on his face with his own blood from a car crash. Not even a Glasgow Grin or anything, the blood is from his hand and his face only has a few normal cuts on it.

While Batman is a rather serious character who refuses to kill anyone, The Joker is a rather comical character who revels in death.

Joker's gadgets tend to be rather goofier but much more lethal, such as the Joker Venom that he often uses to kill his victims.

While Batman gets along well with his sidekicks Robin and Batgirl, Joker frequently abuses his sidekick Harley Quinn and has tried to kill her before, not to mention all the times he has been a Bad Boss by killing his henchmen for any reason you can think of, sometimes for no reason at all.

While Batman's backstory is well known, even by the citizens of Gotham who know of the tragedy of the rich Waynes' in Crime Alley, no one knows anything about the Joker's backstory, but most versions he tells are consistent in two things: he was a nobody, and possibly someone poor.

In most adaptations, his voice is high-pitched in contrast to Batman's Badass Baritone.

Why he went by the name the Red Hood has changed over the years: The Killing Joke claims he was a failed comedian driven to crime to support his pregnant wife. The trauma of his disfigurement from jumping in the acid and his wife's earlier accidental death drove him insane. However, even this backstory is questionable, as the Joker himself calls it "multiple choice".

In Injustice 2, an intro with Atrocitus has the Red Lantern wondering what drove the Joker to nihilism.

In the animated series, he claims to have been abused as a child when interviewed by Harley, but according to Batman, it's just another ruse to escape Arkham.

The purple suit and matching pants with either an orange and/or green shirt with a bowtie or tie, remains the definitive Joker look one that many artists and costume designers have given spin on. He is sometimes known for wearing a cool hat but other times goes hatless. Heath Ledger's custom-designed purple long-coat, trousers, blue shirt and green Waistcoat of Style with a tie has likewise become iconic and famous for its contemporary and downright stylish update on the classic look.

The original Red Hood outfit which is a black suit, white shirt, bowtie with an opera cap and a bizarre red dome is also quite famous.

The Hawaiian tourist outfit he wore in the notorious scene in The Killing Joke.

The white suit he wears in Miller's The Dark Knight Returns as well as the white nurse maid outfit with red wig in The Dark Knight is also quite notable.

The Future Joker look from Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker which went with a mime look (black body suit, slicked-back hair) is also quite distinct and unique.

The first issue of Batman with Joker's debut has him described as having "burning, hate-filled eyes" and the moniker, "the harliquin of hate".

The Man Who Laughs had Bruce dosed with a light version of the Joker Venom and he felt his perspective shift into a paranoid vengeance were he felt everyone deserved to be punished for his parent's death just for existing.

Death of the Family had Batman describe how Joker's irises are always narrow when looking at anyone but Batman and that it is usually an indication of negative feelings toward something with Bruce mentioning that his eye are the eyes of someone who hates everything he sees.

In the Justice League storyline "Rock of Ages", Martian Manhunter has to put in incredible effort to reorganize Joker's mind long enough for him to give up the cataclysmic Philosopher's Stone. The briefly sane Joker immediately says My God, What Have I Done? verbatim as he hands it back, before quickly losing his mind and going back to the laughing madman.

The famous example from the end of The Killing Joke, where Batman tries to convince him to allow Batman to rehabilitate him before their vendetta kills them. Joker considers it for a long, somber moment before quietly reflecting that they're both too far gone.

Batman: Cacophony ends with Joker being pumped full of an inhuman amount of antipsychotic drugs to keep him under control while in recovery from a near-fatal stabbing. Batman takes the opportunity to have a relatively-sane conversation with him, though it's somewhat subverted by Joker still being a homicidal sociopath even while heavily sedated.

He even gives multiple reasons on how he came Back from the Dead in Injustice 2 and will go along with whatever his opponent thinks is true, despite being Dead All Along in story mode and only appearing as a hallucination to his ex-moll.

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns sees him kill David Endochrine and Ruth Weisenheimer, who were clearly based on David Letterman and Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

During Knightfall, once he realizes that Azrael isn't Batman, his plan's gone to hell, and one too many criticisms from Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert stand-ins, he kills the stand-ins.

In one of the issues for the The Batman tie-in comic, The Batman Strikes, he terrorizes a stand-in for Conan O'Brien. This becomes darkly Hilarious in Hindsight as the real O'Brien voiced Endochrine in the animated version of Batman: The Dark Knight Returns. In the series proper, Harley's debut had the two of them terrorize a stand-in for Dr. Phil for the climax.

If you want to know how truly terrifying The Batman Who Laughs is, look no further than the way Joker acts whenever discussing him. He doesn't laugh, he doesn't smile. He becomes calm and serious and simply tells whomever he's talking to that the TBWL is "a wrong thing that shouldn't exist". Someone HAS to be scary if the very thought of him makes Joker act like a calm rational sane person.

In Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker, the clown has a massive Villainous Breakdown when Terry mocks him for his failed attempts to break Batman.

On the rare occasion Joker gets bored and leaves Gotham, expect everyone to think of him as just a silly clown, until the bodies start piling up.

One issue of the Robin Series had him talking about having Abusive Parents, only for a psychiatrist to tell him it's the seventh story he's told now.

Batman lampshades on this to Harley in the animated series, thinking it's another lie to gain sympathy.

The Killing Joke claims he was a failed comedian driven to crime to support his pregnant wife. The trauma of his disfigurement and his wife's earlier accidental death drove him mad. However, even this could be a lie, as he himself calls it "multiple choice".

It's even discussed in Injustice 2, as Atrocitus wonders what drove the Joker to nihilism. Despite only appearing as a hallucination to Harley in story mode, he spews out multiple theories for his Unexplained Recovery and will say Sure, Let's Go with That in non-canon fights. Was he resurrected by someone, or is he from another universe? Did he escape from either the Source Wall or the Phantom Zone, or is he just an apparition?

Shadow of the Bat #38, Tears of a Clown: He celebrates his anniversary of the day he was a still sane, but hapless comedian, and was thrown out of an exclusive Stand-Up Comedy club for an unfunny act the patrons mercilessly heckled. It was the last straw as he agreed to provide to his family by pulling a job for the Red Hood gang. So he kidnaps all the patrons and reenacts his act with control collars that will kill them when they laugh. Oddly enough, the patrons are hardcore Stand-Up Comedy fans, so they can't remember the number of times they've booed someone. However, even this origin story could be a lie.

It's come to be his primary disfigurement over the original skin bleaching.

In Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker, Terry McGinnis exploits this by delivering an epic Boring Insult so the clown will have a Villainous Breakdown.

King Barlowe proved to be a big one in his Thanatos Gambit in the episode "Joker's Millions" of The New Batman Adventures. In a spiteful Video Will, he gives the clown his millions, revealing in his tape that most of it was fake. Expecting the clown to splurge on it, he won't have enough to pay off the IRS, allowing Barlowe to get the "last laugh" after his death, without the Joker coming after him.

Alan Moore's "I go Loony" from The Killing Joke, an in-panel song-and-dance tune that was eventually made into an actual song belted out in Batman: The Killing Joke.

Batman: The Brave and the Bold has "Where's the Fun in That?" from the episode "Emperor Joker".

Batman: Arkham City ended with him covering The Platters' "Only You (and You Alone)", Batman: Arkham Origins had him cover Hank Williams' "Cold, Cold, Heart" and Batman: Arkham Knight had him provide an original composition, "Can't Stop Laughing".

Action Fashionista: This incarnation of the Joker has a wide variety of garish outfits for every occassion — most of them straight from the comics.

Adaptational Attractiveness: Metal teeth, lack of eyebrows, and tattoos aside, he's still being played by the youthful-looking real life Pretty Boy Jared Leto; especially since the last two cinematic Jokers were a creepy middle-aged gangster with a botched face-lift and a filthy, scarred vagrant (even the mentally unwell clown-for-hire doesn't scream Mr. Fanservice one bit). This version looks more like Marilyn Manson.

Adaptational Nice Guy: A very downplayed example. While he's otherwise the same Clown Prince of Crime we all know and love to hate, he appears to genuinely care for Harley, and even throws her out of a falling helicopter to save her life. Almost any other iteration of the Joker would do that to save his own skin or rid himself of her.

Adaptational Skimpiness: This version of the Joker tends to be shirtless a lot more than he has in any other medium. It mostly seems like an opportunity to show off his tattoos.

Adaptation Distillation: Leto's Joker seems to be less of the "evil philosopher" that Heath Ledger portrayed him as in The Dark Knight, and instead seems to be a cross between the garish, larger-than-life Mark Hamill version from the animated series and the Arkham games, and the creepy, deeply twisted Brian Azzarello version. David Ayer had also stated that he looked specifically to the Golden Age Joker for reference, providing reason for many to believe that Leto's Joker is a modern re-imagining of that incarnation.

Advertised Extra: Heavily featured in Suicide Squad promotional materials, barely appears in the film for more than seven minutes. According to Jared Leto, several of the scenes he shot were not included in the theatrical cut.

Ambiguous Disorder: In Suicide Squad, most of the time the Joker seems... not all there compared to Harley. In addition of psychopathic tendencies, the Joker has random bouts of maniacal laughter, confusion, and slurred speech-like patterns. All attributes that stem from punch-drunk syndrome. Considering he has faced Batman one too many times, it makes sense that the Joker's mental stability is finally catching up to him.

However, come Birds of Prey, they broke up, mirroring the comics where they do have an Relationship Revolving Door. It appears to stick, as Harley publicly calls it quits between the two of them.

His tattoos are very reminiscent of the Joker in All Star Batman and Robin.

Ax-Crazy: Like all the incarnations before him, calling him a violent psychopath is one of the biggest understatements you can make.

Bedlam House: Spent some time at Arkham Asylum, where he met Harley. Then he broke free from it with the help of both Harley and his gang.

Chewing the Scenery: An important part of the character is his theatricality.

Cool Car: A bright purple sports car with underglow lights and a "HAHAHA" license plate.

Dented Iron: It's subtle, but the numerous scars on his body and metal replacement teeth in his mouth are clear signs that his frequent run-ins with Batman are taking their toll.

Disney Death: He seemingly dies in the crash of his helicopter... only to come back to free Harley from her high security prison at the end of Suicide Squad.

The Dreaded: In true Joker fashion, everyone is terrified of him.

Establishing Character Moment: One that takes place before he even makes his official debut in the setting - he killed Robin (a minor) and vandalized his outfit to mock Batman over his inability to save him.

Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Insofar as much as the Joker can love anyone, anyway, but he does seem to genuinely care about Harley. Eventually, subverted.

Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: He considers the brutal murder of a minor as a joke he played on Batman. When he's torturing Harleen Quinzel, he promises not to shatter her well-kept teeth while flashing his own hideous metal dentures. When Harleen later has him at gunpoint, Joker just says "please don't kill me, I'll be ya friend" in a snarky tone.

Evil Is Hammy: It's not The Joker if he's not Chewing the Scenery. And, sure enough, he does.

Evil Is Petty: The graffiti on Robin's costume seems to imply that Joker murdered him just to prod at Batman. It is confirmed in Suicide Squad that Joker and Harley killed him.

Evil Laugh: It's kind of his thing. One notable example is when he chuckles while surrounded by an arsenal of weapons.

Fake Shemp: Indie rocker Johnny Goth stood in for Jared Leto in Birds of Prey, in the flashback where he and Harley torture and tattoo the big mafia thug Harley later bumps back into.

Foil: To Batman as usual, but with some new additions. After 20 years, Batman became more jaded and cruel, while the Joker somewhat mellowed out and his criminal activity became more professional. Batman didn't settle down until the death of Superman while the Joker grew attached to Harley Quinn.

In Suicide Squad Griggs' smug indifference about his gambling debt immediately becomes pure terror when he realizes the Joker has gotten involved.

He is so feared that even the likes of Black Mask would rather steer clear of him. Harley's enemies only start gunning for her in Birds of Prey when it's become clear that she's no longer with him.

   G-Y

The Ghost:

There is an allusion to him in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice ("HA HA HA Joke's On You, Batman" painted across the chest of the dead Robin's empty suit in the Batcave), but he doesn't actually appear.

He gets mentioned a lot in Birds of Prey, but he's only seen very briefly in some flashbacks, always from the back (including footage from Suicide Squad). There is a whole Deleted Scene where he and Harley have a domestic dispute. Harley leaves the house through the window and the Joker throws her stuffed beaver out through the window. In the film proper, she's just kicked out of the house, with no shot of Mr. J.

Greater-Scope Villain: His role in Batman v Superman. Despite not actually appearing his murder of Robin by this point has driven Batman down a darker, more vengeful path that goes against Batman's traditional moral code; the one that the Joker is always trying to prove is wrong. Batman's rage towards Superman blinds him to the possibility of Lex Luthor being the real threat long enough for Superman to die fighting Doomsday. In a way the Joker's actions contributed to Batman's failure.

Guttural Growler: This Joker is noticeably more snarly than previous incarnations.

Handshake Refusal: He doesn't like to shake hands, as Monster T finds out.

Hell-Bent for Leather: Wears a purple crocodile skin duster at some point in the film.

Jerk with a Heart of Jerk: Despite being a homicidal sociopath, he seems to truly love his girlfriend Harley Quinn. Then in Birds Of Prey, he coldly and violently breaks up with her.

Joker Immunity: He appears to die when his helicopter is shot down about halfway through Suicide Squad. To absolutely no one's surprise, he shows up alive and well in the final scene. It helps that he's the Trope Namer.

Knife Nut: And by God, does he have enough blades.◊

Lean and Mean: This Joker, while muscular, is quite lean, especially compared to the heavily muscled Batman.

Love Epiphany: Well, "love" is pushing it, but Joker realizes his affections for Harley when she dives in the chemical bath that ultimately turned Joker into what he is. Symbolic in the sense she was agreeing to join him in madness. Further adding to the complexity of the scene; Joker was tying up a loose end, having used Harley to escape from Arkham. He lead her to her demise and intended to leave her for death but at the same moment realized she had entered his world and his madness. Joker never anticipated the amount of utter devotion Harley would have for him, something inside him just couldn't walk away from her, so he jumped in to save her.

Manipulative Bastard: He manipulated Harley into helping him escape Arkham because she fell in love with him. When she served her purpose, he would have had her kill herself jumping into a bath of chemicals to prove her feelings. He instead saves her from this demise because he has a Love Epiphany in the moment.

Monster Clown: Like the previous film versions, Joker is an Ax-Crazy criminal with clownish makeup. Green hair notwithsanding, his white makeup, red lipstick and absence of facial scars make him look closer to a mime than his predecessors.

Noble Demon: In Suicide Squad, his whole motivation is to rescue Harley Quinn. His commitment is so strong he doesn't even waste time with pranks or petty acts of cruelty. Everything he does is for someone else.

Only Known By His Nickname: He's only known as The Joker, or "J" / "Mr. J".

Outlaw Couple: He and Harley Quinn are lovers and partners in crime.

Sadist: Even though there was only a few select scenes of him, one of them is him torturing Harley. It's disturbingly obvious that he is positively gleeful over it. And he doesn't seem to have lost any sleep over murdering Robin, either.

Pet the Dog: David Ayer confirms that while he did push Harley out of the falling helicopter, his intent was in fact to save her life.

Satellite Love Interest: To Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad. His characterization revolves entirely around Harley, not even getting involved with the main plot.

Scary Teeth: Several of his teeth are made of metal. According to David Ayer, Batman punched his teeth out after he killed Robin, leading him to replace them with metal teeth.

Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: Although he has a presence at the start of the film, The Joker appears to have left Gotham City to be controlled by Black Mask in Birds of Prey, with Roman saying that Joker has already skipped town.

The Sociopath: He's chaotic and remorseless, much like his previous versions. Special mention goes to his murder of Robin, which he topped off by spray-painting a cruel taunt for Batman onto the boy's costume.

Tattooed Crook: His torso is covered in jester-themed tattoos. He also has a few on his arms and face.

Villain of Another Story: He mainly appeared in Suicide Squad, but his biggest act of villainy to date — killing Robin — happened some years before Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, in which he doesn't appear. The spray-painted message on Robin's empty suit ("Ah ah ah joke's on you Batman!") in the latter film can't be anything else than his doing.

Where Does He Get All Those Wonderful Toys?: Is seen with a rather impressive arsenal of guns and knives. And even says to warden Griggs, at some point, "I can't wait to show you my toys." note Notably, he manages to hijack the gunship which was sent to extract Waller and the squad so he can rescue Harley.

Would Hit a Girl: In the past, the Joker electroshocks and manipulates Dr. Harleen Quinzel into allowing her to fall into a vat of chemicals, in order to become Harley Quinn.

Would Hurt a Child: He killed Batman's sidekick, Robin, while the boy was an underage minor.

You Gotta Have Blue Hair: His hair is bright green.

   "Knightmare" Joker

"You won't kill me. I'm your best friend..." Appearances:

Zack Snyder's Justice League

"You need me. You... need me... to help you undo this world you created, by letting her die."

The Joker meets up once more with Batman in the nightmarish alternate future where Darkseid has conquered the Earth and Superman turned evil. But things aren't the same anymore between the two legendary foes.

See also the Knightmare page for more on that setting's characters.

Break Them by Talking: He deliberately tries to agitate Batman by reminding him of how many people have died on his watch.

Cop Killer: He wears a bulletproof vest with at least two dozens police badges on it. Whether these were good cops killed prior to the apocalypse or servants of the oppressive regime of Superman after the apocalypse is not detailed.

Costume Evolution: He has ditched his garish gangster suits for what looks like either a medical gown or a butcher gown, complete with orange gloves and a bulletproof vest with a dozen police badges pinned on it. He got rid of his "Damaged" forehead tattoo, let his hair grow and put red makeup around his mouth, looking closer to more common depictions of the character.

Enemy Mine: He and Batman had the worst kind of enmity imaginable, but the Earth being conquered by Darkseid is enough of a Conflict Killer for them to call a truce and work together to try undoing this mess.

Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: He utters the line "We live in a society" while gazing upon the devastated landscape in the trailer. This is clearly a Meme Acknowledgement, and it's quite awkwardly used given the context (is there really any society left in this post-apocalyptic world?). It doesn't appear in the actual film, however. The line was improvised by Leto.

Evil Laugh: Even with the world being in such a sorry state and him still being sane enough to acknowledge how bad the situation is, he'll still let some laughs out, even though they sound more subdued than ever.

Evil Versus Oblivion: Even he sees the necessity of teaming up with Batman to try undoing what Darkseid did to Earth.

Future Badass: He survived the apocalypse brought upon Earth by Darkseid and looks like he's geared for guerilla actions.

My Card: He gives a Joker card to Batman as a symbol of their truce. Shall the Dark Knight want to break that truce, he'd just have to tear that card up. The card could be seen strapped on Batman's assault rifle in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Joker gets a high reminding Batman how costly his mistakes in the past have been.

The Nicknamer: He nicknames Mera "my little fish stick" and Robin "Boy Wonder".

Progressively Prettier: Despite being worse for wear, this Joker is arguably even better looking than his previous appearance, with his over-the-top tattooed gangster image toned down and his androgyny played up. Ironically, this version also more closely resembles the Heath Ledger incarnation.

Thousand-Yard Stare: He has such a stare when looking at the devastated horizon as he starts talking to Batman.

Villain Has a Point: While he’s the one who killed Robin, he gives Batman a minor What the Hell, Hero? for sending “a Boy Wonder to do a man’s job.”

Vocal Evolution: His voice is much softer and higher pitched than it was in Suicide Squad.

[slashnatic]

NSFW ALPHABET [Thomas Hewitt]

A = Aftercare (what they‘re like after sex)

First of all, Thomas needs a bit of guiding when it comes to romance. He isn‘t stupid, he isn‘t a retard, but he has not only never experienced this, but he also never had an actual interest in all of this.

The first time you’re having sex he‘s either going to lie around awkwardly afterwards or he‘s just going to leave and work on whatever has to be worked on. That is, unless you just cuddle up to him or tell him straight forward what you want. Whatever it is he‘ll do it for you. You need to clean up? No, he‘s not going to get something to wipe you clean. He‘s going to get you a blanket or really anything to cover your body, so he can carry you downstairs and give you a “shower“. Oh, just wiping it away would have been fine too? Well, he‘s definitely going to help you dry off anyway.

He also gets the hang of it pretty quickly. You wanted to cuddle afterwards with him the first time you had sex? You‘re going to cuddle after sex every time now! The next time you have sex you decide to go for round two? Well, looks like you‘re going to have two rounds all the time now, except you decide a third round would be nice one day. He basically just adapts whatever you do.

B = Body Part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner‘s)

Thomas doesn’t actually have a favourite body part of himself, but he does like being tall and strong. In his mind it‘s really the only thing he was gifted with, the only thing that makes him useful. If there‘s one specific body part of his which you love he‘ll be proud or at least accepting of said body part though. He won’t start liking things about himself if he disliked them before just because there is someone who likes it now, but it helps him cope with it.

His favourite body part of yours are your thighs. If you‘re wearing pants, shorts, a dress, a skirt...they look good in everything in his opinion. He loves to grab your thighs to hold you in place when he takes you missionary-style too. He also loves how they look when you’re riding him. Watching you like that makes him go absolutely crazy.

He also likes your boobs a lot, for various reasons. The most important reason is probably that there‘s never been a girl who willingly showed him her breasts. He has a soft spot for when he‘s sitting down and you’re standing between his legs (you have to due to his height) and him kissing and squeezing your boobs, pinching, licking and sucking on your nipples. Bonus if you‘re pregnant. He may or may not has had a taste of your milk too.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum basically)

He likes to cum inside of you. It feels the best and while it scares him at first, knowing you might get pregnant makes it even better. When he‘s pulling out afterwards he also always watches his cum dripping out of you. It makes him proud. You let him do that. You let him fill you up with his semen. This means you‘re his. To him it‘s a way of claiming you.

The first time you suck him off and let him cum in your mouth he absolutely loses his mind. He doesn’t even understand what‘s so great about this, in fact he doesn‘t understand anything at all in that moment.

D = Dirty Secret (a dirty secret of theirs)

He‘d never admit it, but he‘s regularly stealing glances under your skirt if he gets the chance to. He also examined your underwear. He did both of it long before you two got together. There were (and still are) even days where he‘d actually plan this, as in he made it a part of his daily structure. To him it felt like you were way out of his reach and the moment he started to have those kind of feelings towards you he made a little plan how to cope with them. He longed for you, felt like he couldn‘t have you and therefore found some satisfaction in that. You’re helping Luda Mae in the kitchen today? He definitely walks by a few times and stands somewhere in the distance where he can watch you without getting caught. When you reach over the kitchen counter he observes the soft skin of yours, which only seconds ago was hidden by your clothes. If he sees you‘re reaching for something at the top of the shelf he‘ll come up behind you and gets it for you. He enjoys the feeling of your body so close to his, but won‘t go to far in fear of you noticing. He does get off to the thought of you too, but for the love of god won‘t admit it. He‘s ashamed of his actions, but he doesn‘t want to stop either.

E = Experience (how experienced they are)

Thomas is a virgin. He hasn‘t had any sexual experience. He has seen naked female bodies before, but they were dead. He also unintentionally witnessed the act of love before a few times. In conclusion: He knows were to put it. Other than that you‘ll have to teach him but don‘t worry, this boy is more than eager to learn and he learns fast. Whatever you explain to him he will listen, remember and try it out. He’s definitely unsure at first, almost shy, but as soon as he hears you making those sweet sounds he forgets about his insecurities and gets lost in whatever new skill you‘re teaching him. It‘s almost impossible to stop him from there on. Overall, he‘ll have a tough start, but will quickly get over that and whatever he‘ll do it‘ll be good and will only get better.

F = Favourite Position (their favourite position, could possibly include a visual)

His preferred position depends on how he‘s feeling at the moment, how his day has been and so on. Thomas likes missionary a lot. He can see your face and watch the expressions you make, that show him just how good you‘re feeling, all because of him. He can grab onto those thighs he loves so much too. Most importantly though he feels close to you. He‘s feeling your soft skin on his, he can even feel your breath if he leans in close enough, he can see every little facial expressions, he sees this look in your eyes...it‘s almost too much to handle. If you wrap your hands around his neck or grab onto his hair he‘s also going to faint. It‘ll take him a while to feel comfortable without the mask but knowing you look at him just the same, mask or not, means the world to him.

Missionary is his favourite position on normal days. If it‘s been a particular rough day for him though he likes for you to be on top. He can both relax and enjoy himself. Watching you like this is also a big turn on for him. Thomas is a big, strong man and is used to being rough and in charge. It happens naturally and unintentionally most of the time. Having soft, lazy sex with you on top is just everything. It‘s so relaxing and calming and loving. He’ll be happy and balanced all the time during and afterwards too.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Thomas takes sex very seriously. The first time he is scared too, but he won‘t let you know in fear of ruining everything. If you‘re having sex there will be nothing else on his mind. He is very focused on you and your pleasure. If you mess with him a bit and he‘s having a good day he‘ll smile about it but no more. He‘s being vulnerable with and he want‘s you to be vulnerable with him too.

The more used he gets to having a relationship, the more relaxed he will be. You’ve been together long enough now, he knows you love him and he knows you take it seriously, so why not be a tease now too once in a while?

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He doesn’t actually ever shave. He knows some people do it, but he doesn’t care enough to do it himself. His hair isn‘t all too thick down there and it isn‘t too much either.

He doesn‘t shower a lot, twice a week at the most, sometimes he even goes a week or longer without showering. He‘s working a lot, the water isn‘t too clean either, so he doesn‘t see the point. He sweats quite a bit while working too, so it would probably be more enjoyable if you ask him to take a shower beforehand, but don‘t worry he‘ll happily comply if that‘s what you want.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? romantic aspect, etc.)

Besides his serious demeanor he‘s a big romantic too, but like with everything else he needs time to figure that out. Once he did though there‘ll be lots of kisses to wherever he can reach right now, he‘ll caress your skin, squeeze lightly whatever he can grab and he won‘t break eye contact. He observes every reaction you give him because to him it feels like he‘s even closer to you then. Of course he also wants to make sure you‘re alright.

He needs you to be romantic too. Just give him all the love you‘ve got, he craves it. He is giving you his all and he‘ll understand if you’re not a romantic person but it will hurt him and it will make him insecure. He might even distance himself, because he thinks that’s either how you want it to be or that it’s better for you. If you shower him with affection though he‘s on his knees for you, in whatever way you want him too be.

Jack/Jill Off (masturbation headcanon)

Jerking off is more of a special event in Thomas‘ life. He‘s working most of the time and doesn‘t have time for it. So he jerks off once a month at the most. As mentioned before he jerked off to the thought of you too, but it took him ages to give in to the desire and afterwards he‘s so ashamed it’ll probably take double the time for him to do it again. He probably avoided you at least a solid week afterwards too.

If he‘s giving in to said desire he is (unintentionally) filthy. He won‘t hold back anything. He‘ll moan, grunt, groan and even say your name while masturbating. He‘s most likely doing this in the basement so he‘ll cum all over the work bench, if he‘s in his room though he‘ll lay down on his bed and cum all over himself. He is ashamed afterwards, but during there‘s nothing that can stop him from finally getting lost in his imagination and pretending it was your hand instead of his.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Honestly Thomas just wants to be loved. He wants that affection. He has a praise kink, but is completely unaware of it. He loves when you tell him just how good he makes you feel, what a good job he‘s doing and if you call him a good boy he will nut in his pants right away. He‘s super confused about it too. Why does it feel so good to hear you say that? He loves it the most when you compliment him, not only his actions. Normally he doesn‘t actually believe you or at least doesn’t react to you telling him that he‘s handsome, but when you‘re so close to each other, when you’re being one, he doesn‘t care about how he feels about himself, what anyone else has said about him before or how unrealistic it is, that you find him physically appealing, at least in his eyes. He believes whatever you say and hearing you telling him that he‘s enough in whatever way just gets him going.

He does have a breeding kink too, but is unaware of that as well. He knows he likes cuming inside of you. He knows he likes what it portrays: That you‘re his, that you completely give yourself to him. He knows he wants a family with you, although he‘s scared (What if he can’t take care of his family properly? What if his child is scared of him? Or even worse, what if his child gets the same skin disease?). He doesn‘t understand why it turns him on but he knows it does and that‘s enough.

Other than that Thomas is actually more of a vanilla-type. Don‘t let that fool you though, sex with him is never boring.

L = Location (favourite places to have sex)

His favourite place to have sex with you is in his bed. This is his home and yours too, you are living here with him and he wants to make beautiful memories with you here too. There‘s also less of a chance of being disturbed than anywhere else. While Hoyt comes down to the basement sometimes, he never goes to Thomas‘ room and the other family members won‘t either. If they do they‘ll definitely make sure he (or you) knows that they‘re coming in. He also loves how domestic it is.

You definitely had sex in the basement anyway and he enjoyed that as well, but sex in the basement is always rougher than usual and also more rushed. Having sex in his bedroom is still his favourite.

He also likes having sex with you outdoors. Somewhere in nature. You‘re alone but free and this feeling of freedom makes it all so much better.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Love, affection, admiration, your attention alone...bending over in front of him... When you’re being so nice and lovely to him he just wants to make babies. Period. But sexual gestures and teasing never go unnoticed either and he enjoys that too.

N = NO (something they wouldn‘t do, turn offs)

Anything that makes him feel unappreciated. No name-calling, harassment or humiliation of any form. This is traumatic for him and he‘ll panic, be sad and angry. He wouldn‘t do any of that to you either, even if you want him too. He wants you to be satisfied, but this is a no-go.

If he sees you getting along with another man a bit too well for his liking he‘s probably also going to be pissed and won‘t touch you for a while. He‘s quite jealous, but doesn‘t know what to do about this feeling. He knows it‘s not you‘re fault, but he is scared that you‘ll go for a better looking or smarter man than him.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

This is a tricky subject. In his mind he‘s all about eating you out. He thinks about your taste, your smell and the sounds you make when he goes down on you while jacking off too. Getting him to the point where he actually does it is hard work though. It isn‘t even that he‘s scared you won‘t like it and he definitely isn‘t disgusted by it either, but he is disgusted by himself. He‘s disgusted by what‘s hidden under his mask and letting you see him like that is scary to him. Pressing that between your beautiful thighs is even scarier. He‘s afraid of your reaction and just wants to hide and angry-cry, so take your time. Once you get him to the point that he believes you that you’re not disgusted by him it becomes a must. He takes literal hours to eat you out and he enjoys every second of it. He‘s very eager the whole time, enjoying that he can make you make those sounds, enjoying your taste...really everything. He also always grabs your thighs while eating you out.

If you go down on him be prepared for a lot of enthusiasm coming from him. He doesn‘t mean to be that rough, he doesn’t mean to fuck your pretty mouth, but god it feels so good. He‘s also probably going to thank you after. He doesn‘t take it for granted, it‘s actually a very special thing to him. You’re willing to do things like that just because you want him to feel good. He is ecstatic.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He is rather slow and definitely very caring and loving but also unintentionally rough. He is very strong and doesn‘t always know how to handle his strength. He doesn‘t want to be that rough but he gets lost in the moment pretty quickly and once he does he forgets about everything. He just does what feels right and not being rough is more of an effort to him. He never hurts you though, he is still very careful.

He likes slow sex, fast sex, gentle sex, a bit rougher sex, but his favourite is lazy sex. Hours of gentle loving you say? You bet your ass he‘s more than down for it.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Thomas isn‘t the biggest fan of quickies. He‘s a very committed and passionate lover and quickies are neither, at least in his opinion. Changing his mind isn‘t too hard though. Coming down to the basement and telling him directly what you want or giving subtle hints, either way he‘ll give in at some point. If you decide to drop hints rather than being clear about it you don’t have to worry. At the beginning of your relationship he probably won‘t get it, but once he gets to know this side of you too, he‘ll catch on to it quickly. He is very observant and basically studies you to learn what you‘re behavior means. Maybe one day you’re lucky and have him inviting you for some quick fun too, but if so you shouldn’t get used to it.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Thomas doesn‘t like to risk anything with you. He doesn‘t want to hurt you. If you‘re able to assure him that you really want him to do whatever you want him to do, he will do it, but if it includes harming you in any way it will take him a while.

He likes to experiment, he‘s a very curious man. He isn‘t disgusted by anything either. Whatever body fluids, toys or other kinky stuff is involved he‘ll happily try it out and gain some new experience with you, as long as neither of you get‘s seriously physically or emotionally harmed during.

S = Stamina (how many rounds they can go for, how long they last...)

Big. Strong. Man. He can go as long as you want him to, really. If it‘s just one round lasting hours or many rounds lasting hours it doesn‘t matter. Once you‘ve declared the end though he immediately gets tired. He never realizes while you’re at it, but afterwards he‘s pretty worn out.

T = Toy (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Thomas doesn‘t own any toys himself and is most likely confused if you do. Why? He’s got his dick, his hands and his tongue. Isn’t that just fine? If you explain it to him he‘ll want to try it. He‘s curious. He might actually starts to like using toys on you or you using toys on him but he‘ll always prefer the old fashioned way.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

In the beginning of your relationship he never teases you, at least not intentionally. During sex he‘s too serious and outside of the bedroom he‘s never considered it. If you tease him he’ll be confused at first and probably a little hurt too. You can either explain it to him or wait for him to realize what you‘re doing since he‘ll catch on on some point anyway. He won‘t like it at first, but will get used to it and join in too. Thomas is actually quite sassy when he‘s comfortable enough to be himself and will start to enjoy teasing you. You might catch him grinning about your reaction to it as well.

His teasing mostly consists of tender but slightly sexual touches and flexing his muscles in front of you. He is muscular and he knows it. He never actually cared too much about it until he realized that you seem to find it very attractive, so he really enjoys making you flustered using only his body. It boosts his ego too, feeling your longing and needy glances whenever he‘s putting on a show for you. The resulting sex is great and he’s actually confident during, but afterwards he gets shy again and is also a bit embarrassed by his behavior.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make)

No matter how shy Thomas is, he never makes an effort to be silent. The sounds he makes are rather animalistic as well. He‘ll groan, grunt and growl. The second you switch positions and you are on top he becomes a complete mess. Same amount of groans, grunts and growls, but he’ll whimper too. His moans are just as deep but softer, almost helpless. When making love he lets himself go completely. He doesn’t hold back anything and is throughoutly himself. No matter how vulnerable and soft he shows himself, it doesn‘t matter to him. He trusts you, let‘s himself enjoy the loss of control and shows you verbally as well as he can.

W = Wild Card (a random headcanon/imagine for the character of your choice)

The softness of your skin was a miracle to Thomas. Just as the softness of your hair, the glimmer in your eyes which only he got to see after your passionate love making, how you smelled, how you tasted...everything about you. He loved everything about you. And he loved how you loved him. You were currently sneaking into the kitchen to get the both of you something to drink, but his mind was still occupied by your recent actions. Today you didn‘t care that he was sweaty and covered in dirt and god-knows-whatelse. You had told him you wanted to love him. Now. You had told him how much you longed for him, that you had been thinking about your handsome lover the whole day and that you couldn‘t wait any longer to show him how much you had missed him. And you had shown him. You had kissed every scar on his body, from fights he‘s fought or resulting from his skin condition, you hadn‘t been picky. You never were. You loved him no matter what. You had given your all to pleasure him and so did he. When you came back with some tea, which was already cold but you doubted Thomas would care, his focus was on you immediately. And once again you embraced each other, shared your body heat and love until you peacefully drifted off to a sweet slumber.

X = X-Ray (let‘s see what‘s going on under those clothes)

Once again, Thomas is a big, strong man. He is equipped just as you‘d think he is, if not bigger. He is way above average in both length and girth. So much that it will probably hurt not only the first time, but almost everytime. Just take your time to adjust and you‘ll be fine though. Thomas has also absolutely no problem helping you stretch first. He‘ll do whatever he can to make it the most pleasurable it can be for you. If that means you have to do an hour warm up: No problem!

Y = Yearning (how high their sex drive is)

Thomas keeps his mind off things through working. This works out for him pretty well too, so if he‘s busy making sure the family has something too eat he mostly isn‘t going to get distracted by any not-so-christian thoughts. If he isn‘t working though he‘ll devote all his time to you and then he gets distracted very easily, very fast.

Z = ZZZ (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

If he has to he can go back to work after you‘re done, but he prefers not to. He‘s also quite sleepy afterwards, but won‘t actually fall asleep for a while. He looks and acts almost like a tired puppy. If you scratch his head or back he‘s also dozing off within seconds.

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 7: The Hardest Choice

Chapter 6: The Path Is Yours

We rush into the battlefield from the future vision prologue and find Xander and Ryoma dueling. Xander, after making sure Corrin is okay, announces that Nohr is invading Hoshido to show off their strength. He points out that ending things quickly will prevent unnecessary bloodshed, which is a fair point. But, you know what else would prevent unnecessary bloodshed? Not invading Hoshido.

The two families argue over ownership of Corrin and she is forced to choose a side. Stand with her genetic family and fight to defend Hoshido from violent invaders, or stand with her adoptive family and invade a neighboring country, slaughtering countless civilians in the process. Or play the DLC route. Or go play Super Smash Bros.

And I mean, is this even a choice? Nohr is evil. Like, insanely evil. Ten minutes ago they blew up a marketplace and killed dozens of children. They’re invading Hoshido for shits and giggles and we’re supposed to side with them? Corrin’s supposed to be a good person, why the fuck would she ever join Nohr’s army?

And it’s not like Corrin has any love for Nohr as a country. She spent fifteen years in prison, she doesn’t know the people. Hell, she hates how Nohr looks and feels. Garon murdered her parents, kidnapped her, held her captive, and tried to murder her. Twice.

There is only one reason to join Nohr: love for Xander, Camila, Leo, and Elise. And that’s a relatable reason, standing by your family even if they’re evil. But, it feels cowardly to kill innocent people just because you don’t want to fight your family.

No, not cowardly. Evil. This is a choice between good and evil, with both sides holding up signs saying which they are. And that’s part of the problem with this game. Nohr is so ridiculously evil and Hoshido is so ridiculously good. At this point, we have seen no justification for any evil Nohr does. They’re evil for the point of evil. And even when Hoshido does shady things, like kidnapping Azura or having a mind control barrier, the game glosses over it to avoid having the good guys be morally grey. And let’s be honest, it’s kinda infuriating that Intelligent Systems, a Japanese company, made a game where the most explicitly Japanese kingdom in the franchise is pure good and the European kingdom is cartoonishly evil.

This game tries to paint this as a choice between two families, and that doesn’t work. Painting it as a choice between two families lessens the impact of siding with Nohr to protect your family. Plus, again, the Hoshidans are strangers. Hoshido is not Corrin’s home and the Hoshidan royals are not her family. The only one who was given enough screen time to feel like family was Mikoto, and she’s dead. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I really don’t give a shit about Corrin’s blood. I’m not choosing Birthright because I want Corrin to claim her Birthright, I’m choosing it because Nohr is cartoonishly evil.

And here’s the kicker, the ultimate reason to choose Hoshido: Garon tried to murder Corrin. Twice. First with Hans at the bridge, then again with the bomb at the plaza. Choosing Nohr is suicidally stupid. I know Corrin’s naive, but this is just idiotic.

And Corrin doesn’t even bring this up. She doesn’t shout to Xander, “Hans attempted to murder me as we were fleeing the Bottomless Canyon, apparently working under orders from King Garon. I do not feel safe returning to Nohr.”

No, she doesn’t explain jack shit. She lets Xander think she’s betraying him, when in reality she’s just doing the right thing. Corrin is an imbecile and it makes this game painfully dumb.

Birthright Chapter 6: In The White Light

We chose Hoshido. Right away, the chapter title screen changes, going from the mix of white lilies and black roses from earlier chapters to just white lilies. The text boxes also get a new blueish tint. Corrin tells Xander to withdraw his troops and that she’s siding with Hoshido.

Xander says that Corrin must be brainwashed. He reveals that he’s known all along that Garon kidnapped Corrin as a child. Something that he kept from Corrin, because he’s a great older brother. He tells Corrin that they are family, regardless of blood, and that Garon will forgive her. The first one of those is true, but the other is laughable. Has he ever met Garon?

Corrin tells Xander about Garon blowing up the plaza, killing dozens of innocent people, and endangering her life. Corrin calls Garon evil and Xander, apparently ignoring the whole mass murder thing, gets pissed. Corrin asks him to join her and Xander attacks her. Prick.

Side note, the music in this scene is fantastic. It reminds me of the Midmire theme from Awakening and really feels hopeless. Xander beats the shit out of Corrin and Ryoma runs in to save her. The two princes duel, and the battle begins. Also, Jakob shows up.

Ryoma, Hinoka, and Tamuki join Corrin as the two families battle. Interestingly, those three are listed as being part of a different army on the bottom screen, implying that they won’t be around after this battle.

Ryoma

The crown prince of Hoshido. A swordmaster with impeccable strength, skill, and speed. His personal skill, Bushido, makes him fight better when supported by low level units, fitting his honorable Samurai aesthetic. His armor looks cool, but he has crazy, Raditz length hair and this weird horned crown that I dislike. He carries this cool lightning katana called Ranjito. Personality wise, he seems a bit dull. He’s a loyal, protective prince, but at first glance there isn’t much more there.

Hinoka

Corrin’s older sister and a Sky Knight. Her personal skill buffs damage of nearby allies. I kinda like her tomboy haircut and lack of a ridiculously big bust, she looks more like a normal person than most Fates characters. She seems really protective of Corrin and her homeland. Also, I kinda hate her voice.

Takumi

Corrin’s brother, an archer. Who is a prick. A massive prick. He has a massive attack stat for an archer and wields a custom bow that shoots arrows made of light. His design isn’t too interesting, aside from the ponytail that looks weird because it’s cut off by the edge of the screen in his portrait. Personality wise, Takumi is a prick. He’s the best written character in the game, from what I remember. But he’s still a prick.

Also, I suppose I should discuss the Nohrian royals now, because by the time I play Fates my perception will be clouded by the events of Birthright.

Xander

The honorable prince of Nohr. Our protector turned enemy. A Paladin reminiscent of Camus, Selena, and Mustafa from past games, willing to stand by his country even if it is evil. Stat wise, Xander is an absolute tank. His personal skill is called Chivalry, a parallel to Ryoma’s Bushido. It boosts him when fighting enemies with full health. I love Xander’s design, the black and purple with an ascot that makes him look both intimidating and regal, the small black cwon, and that face. He looks like a man tormented by his own actions. I love Xander’s personality, this honorable man who, when forced to choose between his family and his morals, chose the former. He’s actually a good parallel to Corrin, now that I think about it. That said, he is a bit dumb, and trying to kill Corrin was a dick move.

Camila

Ugh. Camila. She’s a new class called Malig Knight, basically a Wyvern Rider with magic abilities. Her personal skill boosts the damage done by allies. Her design...sigh...her design is very, very, very fanservicey, with massive titties and exposed cleavage. Camila is a fanservice character, which is a trend in Fire Emblem that I’m not fond of. Personality wise she’s...creepily obsessed with Corrin, to the point of being kinda incestuous. Ugh. Camila was this game’s breakout character and that’s really disappointing, because she’s probably the worst of the royals in my opinion.

Leo

Leo’s a Dark Knight with a personal skill called Pragmatic that boosts damage against already injured foes. I like how his armor looks; the collar is a bit much, but it’s kinda charming. Also, he looks like he’s Xander’s brother, which is something that they forgot to do with the rest of the royals. Personality wise, he seems to be the only character in this family that isn’t a gigantic moron, which is refreshing. The trick with faking Kaze and Rinkah’s deaths was nefarious, but kind, which is a trait I like in a character.

Elise

The other moe healer little sister, now on horseback. Her personal skill reduces damage done to nearby allies. Design wise, she looks adorable. So adorable that she should not be a soldier and should not have children. I do like the pigtails, although it is weird that they’re both purple and blonde. She’s a bit more forceful in her personality than Sakura, which is good. She’s cute but not boring.

The battle, if you can even call it that, was basically just a quick fight between Ryoma and Xander. After the Nohrians retreat without saying anything, Corrin swears to stand with Hoshido, even though it's the hardest choice she’s ever made. Even though, as we’ve discussed, it isn’t a hard choice at all.

Also, the intro plays again. Nothing is different this time, but it does play again. After that pointless interruption, Lilith shows up again. Remember Lilith? She was important a few chapters ago. And then wasn’t mentioned again until this moment. Lilith takes us into the Astral Plane, introducing us to a new mechanic: My Castle. Which we will get into, next time.

[deviljho]

hs on main but

i’ve been thinking a lot about post retcon vriska and the simply epic vriska vs (vriska) confrontation...

i think that before i actually reread the comic last year, my takeaway of it from hussie’s commentary in the books and just general fan analysis online was that it’s vriska showing her whole ass re: her deep seated self loathing & inability to self actualize and move past her trauma. which is actually a defining aspect of her personality (bc as much as she likes to pretend this isn’t the case it dictates so much of what she does) lmao. in the face of a version of herself, in this case, (vriska), who has done some of the work to unpack her issues and is “happy”, vriska goes sicko mode and vents that frustration on her dead alternate self. but i think it goes even deeper than that and i can’t stop thinking about it so allow me to go off for a bit: 

first off i think it’s crazy to claim (vriska) is happy or working past her childhood issues...she’s become more aware of them, sure, which lets be real is HUGE for any vriska lol but her existence as a ghost forces her to experience an inertia which prevents her from actually taking that awareness and doing anything with it. this is especially highlighted in her relationship with meenah, who is too much of a self absorbed enabler to really help her. having given up on their heroic cause, they start dating because, it’s something to do. but it becomes completely stagnant, just like (vriska) herself, because there’s literally nothing there for (vriska) to bounce off of. vriska needs more than just someone to let her talk, and feel heard to grow and change as a person imo, but i do think being given the specific environment to do so obviously has changed her, just not necessarily for “the better”. 

contrast this with retcon vriska, who is for all intents and purposes now the “real” vriska (and indeed, vriska herself clings to this idea). brought back from her death by terezi for a variety of reasons, mainly that terezi personally regrets killing her and is in love with her LOL but setting aside my vrisrezi agenda for a moment, terezi’s successful use of her seer of mind powers confirms in-story that bringing her back has strategic merit, and from a meta standpoint, narratively i felt like it really worked to reveal that vriska’s presence was needed to keep the meteor crew from falling apart, not to mention her psychic powers playing an important role in protecting the whole team from jade being possessed. i know some people dislike the retcon, but i love it for this simply epic twist tbh. 

anyways...this retcon vriska is someone who canonically obsessed over their plan to defeat lord english for three years and had planned it all out to the last detail, she’s clearly taken the reigns on directing the team overall, and talks multiple times about “not having time for relationships” with the exception of being moirails with terezi which lets be real, is a hard friendzoning of their messy, quadrants-transcending relationship but again i digress... 

vriska was brought back with a purpose, To Be The Hero That The Story Needs, and she’s more fixated than ever with completing this task, probably because in the epic story that she larps being a part of in her mind, successfully completing this mission is to empirically prove that she was worth bringing back, despite all the harm she’s done (and pretends not to feel badly about). vriska also desperately wants her suffering to MEAN something. we see this in her pesterlogs with john before she’s about to fight jack noir; she passes off having her lusus as a task “only really strong” children are given. i think this is why seeing (vriska) enrages her; she’s being confronted with the version of herself who she perceived as making the selfish choice to fight jack, who “deserved” to die for doing so, and on top of all that this (vriska) is now just sitting around in paradox spacing doing nothing and proving nothing to anyone?? i think it honestly has a lot less to do with (vriska) and a lot more to do with vriska obsessively reassuring herself that she’s doing the right thing, that she HAS to go through with sacrificing herself in a big epic moment for the good of everyone else because anything short of that means she’s failed at redeeming herself. vriska cannot accept that there is a version of herself who is okay with just “existing”, without deriving meaning and purpose from the abuse she suffered as a child and inflicted on her friends and countless innocent bystanders. 

 it’s markedly different from, for example, jade’s confrontation with her dead dream self which really is her being forced to look back on a younger version of herself who is (obviously) less experienced and or/traumatized. and i think it’s different from dave & davesprite’s interactions too, the small amount of them we get to see beyond like, ironic jokes. but imo this is bc jade and dave are markedly different from vriska. dave openly rejects the notion of glory and heroism, and avoids it whenever possible. jade is continuously forced to suffer for the sake of the timeline and the narrative, but is shown passively accepting this as simply things that “needed to happen”. personally imo in jade’s case i wanna chalk that up to bad writing on hussie’s part; it kind of sucks that jade never gets to unpack that in homestuck proper.

anyways. tbh the existence of both of those dead alternate selves imo further proves my theory that (vriska) is far from happy; the experience of being a dead alternate self is obviously extremely unsettling and depersonalizing. vriska is terrified of dying; her entire childhood was defined by this terror in a lot of ways and by the end of the session she’s died multiple times, pretty gruesomely. i think her hysterical woman(tm) rant is way more about psyching herself up and her own fears of failure than it is about seeing a supposedly “happy” version of herself. i don’t even think vriska can conceive of such a thing for herself; she has no sense of normalcy or purpose after the session to return to the way john, or like, kanaya has. 

also interesting to note here is meenah as a foil for both of them; immediately after this fight meenah ditches (vriska) to join up with vriska after admitting (with some regret) that she’s a bad person. meenah doesn’t struggle at all with the self image issues vriska has, and though she may feel some guilt over ditching (vriska) just like she expressed guilt to john about becoming the condescence in a different timeline because it meant that she would probably end up killing all her friends back when (vriska) was first trying to rally up a ghost army, she ultimately acts in her self interest and doesn’t really lose sleep over it. in fact she will readily admit that she’s being an asshole and still do whatever she wants. contrast this with all of vriska’s grandstanding about not caring that she comes off as annoying and overbearing, and her overcompensation for that in the form of confidently insisting that the others “need” her.

my final comment is that,...coming back to the vrisrezi of it all, it’s obvious from terezi’s final pesterlogs to vriska before [s] terezi: remem8er that there was a ton of stuff left unsaid between them and presumably between vriska and the rest of the meteor crew as well because vriska spent 90% of the time bossing them around, either about their plans for the new session or just in general in what i like to think of as her loving nagging scorpio way lol. terezi clearly feels like she’s alone in “needing” vriska because even their relationship post retcon is strained, and vriska is so wrapped up in making plans and making sure she gets it right this time, and is already planning to die again out in paradox space. and then after all of this, her fate after her big epic moment is left offscreen for us to wonder about. which in and of itself is pretty narratively tragic for a character like vriska. it makes me honestly wonder how much of this they’re going to unpack in hs2 because tbh it’s pretty juicy. i would love to see a huge confrontation between terezi and vriska about vriska’s choices post retcon...and just in general what life post-session would look like for a person like her. through the epilogues and hs^2 we’ve seen what “normal” life has been like for terezi, and she obviously can’t let go of the past (or vriska. AUGH)...so who’s to say what’s in store for them? i wish we lived in a world where we would eventually find out, and we could see them continue to be each other’s foils in unpacking that but i don’t know if i have faith that the writers will explore it in a satisfying way lmao.

anyways that’s all i have, thanks for reading this if you did read it. i love vriska

[littlehollyleaf]

Oh my God, your tags on that Dean/Cas Ten/Rose parallel post were exactly what I was feeling scrolling down it. I was also in the minority of DW fandom that couldn't stand that ship (although I loved Rose and read/wrote a ton of fic about her) and I resent that the Destiel hell I've been plunged in for 6 weeks has made me have to reevaluate it(/consider several times how I would have felt if, eg, Jack had somehow created a duplicate Dean to get with Cas in the finale)

HELLO fellow minority non shipper! (did we, in fact, bond over this already??)

UGH though, I had not considered how I'd feel if Dean got a duplicate Cas instead of the real one like happened to Rose...

(though, indecently, way way way back in the day, like S04 or S05, I read an AWESOME FIC where exactly that happened- Cas died helping save the world and Dean was heartbroken and left Sam to be alone for a bit, then he was investigating a case where wishes came true or something and 'Cas' appeared in his hotel room, and they... you know, were intimate and stuffs... only after a bit they both realised he wasn't the real Cas just a fabrication created by the MotW, cos he was Dean's deepest wish/desire... Dean then resented him for a bit, but fake!Cas ended up helping Dean solve the case and faught against his MotW creator, giving Dean just enough time to tell him that he cared for fake!Cas as himself as opposed to just cos he reminded him of real Cas before fake!Cas poofed into nothing once MotW was dead...... it was, you know, ANGSTY AS HELL, but that's my jam :P In the end the experience kinda, helped Dean deal with Cas' death and move on I think...)

ANYWAY. While I disliked the ship and was thus personally chill with Rose ending up in her separate world with Ten2 cos it finally removed her from the narrative (though I was DEVASTATED over the associated end to Donna's story D':), I always felt bad for v the shippers cos it seemed like it would be very unsatisfying for them? Cos (unlike the explicitly and gloriously angsty fic above) it was largely presented as this Happy Ending for Rose? Except, it wasn't? Cos she didn't actually get to be with the Doctor. He was genuinely someone ELSE - not an exact clone, but a blend of the Doc and Donna. So... he wasn't the man she loved? OR, if you do read the relationship as reciprocated, the man who loved her... though he had the memory of loving her I guess (or at least the memory of almost telling her he loved her in an emotionally charged situation where he was saying goodbye to her forever - which I personally will continue to read as being therefore not necessarily meaning he genuinely full on loved her romantically, just that he felt compelled to say it in that moment, so there!).

...there is that last shot of Rose turning to the disappearing TARDIS that maybe suggests her future with Ten2 is not necessarily gonna be completely happy cos it's actually the Real Doctor she'll always be pining after. So maybe many/most shippers DID take it as an angsty/tragic end for both The Doc AND Rose and enjoyed it as such? ...but idk...the show seemed to me to be mostly pushing the idea that it was tragic for the Doc but Satisfying (or bittersweet at least) for Rose, so... *shrug*

Certainly if Dean had ended up with a fake!Cas (like in the above fic but forever, or a duplicate created by Jack like you suggest or a memory!Cas in Heaven or something) and presented it in the same way as Rose/Ten2 I... would NOT have liked it!

...honestly tho the whole deancas-dr/rose thing is just WILD to me.

Cos I was arguing, so LOUDLY and for YEARS, through Drs 9 and 10, that the relationship was one-sided on Rose's side (heck I even felt like Nine kissing her kinda VALIDATED that reading, cos it was him giving her what she wanted to save her and as a last act before he maybe died forever), and while no one ever told me I was crazy or delusional for said reading/option, the sheer widespread assumption that the truth was otherwise def made me an Outsider (I remember watching one of those filler tv shows listing the best / most popular Romantic Moments in tv, cos it was on before whatever else I was about to watch- and it had, like, a love confession scene from The Office and a wedding from a soap and stuff, but we got to #1 and it was fucking Dr and Rose being separated, with the fact they were a mutual romance not even being QUESTIONED and a bunch of random celebs gushing over how painfully romantic the moment was and why they loved it, and I was mentally flipping tables!!).

So yeah - spent pretty much all of the Dr/Rose saga feeling defensive and like my reading/opinion of the relationship was being unfairly dismissed/ignored/not even considered.

Then forward to deancas and, lol, I spend my time feeling EXACTLY THE SAME... but this time I'm actually reading/embracing pretty much the same kind of subtext I was refusing/denying before?? But the widespread assumption is still once again against me?? (with the added bonus of my reading being literally labelled 'delusional' this time).

So yah, two ships that parallel each other that I happen to have been massively emotionally connected to for years and I just... Did Not Win with either of them :P Cos the one I hated was understood and celebrated as explicit canon and the one I loved was never understood as explicit canon (and still isn't I assume) and was often mocked/derided. AND YET it's turned out much of the text for both of them turned out pretty similar...

...wild :P

(of note - even when arguing against Dr/Rose I never denied Rose romantically loved, or crushed on, him, even before her 'I love you', that much was always undeniable to me... and yet even now there are MANY people claiming Cas' final 'I love you' wasn't romantic? ...the parallel really does highlight the prevailing heteronormativity huh?)

[oceanmonsters]

thoughts on “tall girl”

I’m gonna make another post actually going into detail (edit: made post here) about some of the points that really bothered me (because I had a Lot of thoughts while watching this) this is just an overview & what I was thinking while actually watching the film:

movie about a straight white girl opening with Make Me Feel by Janelle Monáe playing...........

the movie is going so hard straight off the bat with the “Jodi is alienated and unaccepted by society because of her height” with the parallel being made between Jodi and the character in the book

“You think your life is hard” god I was really trying to go into this movie with an open mind but literally within the first 5 minutes they’re doing exactly what I predicted and making it seem like being tall is literally the biggest source of oppression ever. Like yes, her life is harder than it would be if she was average height but she’s still a rich cis straight white girl. That doesn’t mean she can’t have problems but there are SO MANY people with lives harder than hers. This line was so tone deaf that it’s so hard to give the rest of the movie a chance.

“How’s the weather up there” is literally being treated as if it’s a slur. Like yes it’s annoying but it’s really not that deep.

this school seems very racially diverse which is usually a good thing but when you’re framing the white girl as having the biggest problems and being picked on / harassed by everyone else, it’s really not...

the scene with the mom taking about her “problems” in high school for being so beautiful and popular and asking Jodi if that counts as adversity and her being like ‘what the fuck, is this what she really thinks adversity is’ is literally a metaphor for me watching this movie rn

her friend Jack is Sam from American Vandal and that’s not relevant to the plot but I keep thinking of his name as Sam now

Sam: He might not even be smart

Stig: *writes the molecular formula of the molecule drawn for which literally all you have to do is count the number of atoms of each type, and happened to recognise the molecule

Sam: oh NO what’s he DOING fuck I’m screwed he’s a genius he’s literally the PERFECT GUY

also is the movie really trying to tell me Jodi is the tallest person in her whole school? There are NO guys taller than her? Because my school was definitely smaller than most American schools and there were definitely at least 5 guys in my year taller than 6’

most of the mean girls making fun of & laughing at Jodi are WOC which really feels wrong...

why is he talking about c-sections what the fuck that was so creepy!

why is Jodi acting like just because she’s tall she somehow has some sort of claim to Stig over Kimmy... like I know Kimmy was horrible to her and now she’s dating the guy she likes which sucks but Jodi’s not entitled to Stig’s affections and he clearly likes Kimmy back but she’s acting like Stig is rightfully hers or smth

Sam is the best thing about about this movie so far, like his character is annoying but he’s actually not bland and is somewhat amusing to watch

also I literally can’t remember his character’s name, they just call him Dunkers or Dunkleman, they haven’t mentioned his first name since they first introduced him so I’m just gonna keep calling him Sam

he just kissed her even though he has a girlfriend... Jodi, run away girl

why is she enabling her sister’s extreme dieting?? This is a teen movie, they should really not be normalising this

I don’t know if it’s because of Griffin’s acting or because of how bland the other characters are so far but Sam is actually my favourite character so far even though he’s annoying and is actively trying to sabotage their relationship... like at least he has personality

also she keeps going on about how tall girls never get the guy or aren’t considered attractive or whatever but she’s had 3 GUYS be interested in her throughout the course of the movie

this kissing scene is making me very uncomfortable... like it’s sooooo zoomed in on their faces to show how they’re all looking at each other

who let Sam just come into her room while she’s sleeping???

he’s sitting on her bed and watching her hello????

he’s now weirdly touching her hair

SHE FUCKIN DECKED HIM SHKSHDKSJ and he deserved it

also this has been bothering me for a while but why does this kid wear so many rings. Who made this style choice bc it adds nothing to his character and imo just looks weird

I’ve also been noticing this for a few scenes but her house is SUPER nice, damn. Like she’s definitely rich, which makes the “You think your life is hard?” comment even more tone deaf.

okay Sam’s actually redeemed himself, if your friend wouldn’t charge at someone way bigger than them with a fucking crate for being an asshole to you are they even your friend

although DAMN if he’d actually hit him with that crate he could have seriously injured him, he was going straight for the head

why was everyone cheering so much for that bland, cheesy speech that was all about her. If I were in that crowd I’d just be like “girl get down & let us enjoy our dance, jesus.” Like realistically hardly anyone would be invested or really care about what she has to say because they literally don’t know or care about her. The movie’s acting like she’s known by everyone in the school, when in reality while people would recognise her they probably really don’t care that much.

also yes, some people in her school are assholes but I refuse to believe that the majority of her school constantly going on about her height - especially if she’s been at the school for a long time, they should be well past used to it by now. Most people in the crowd probably literally just don’t care about her at all and just want this to be over

this guy carried his shit around in a milk crate for all this time JUST IN CASE she ever wanted to kiss him?? I honestly don’t know how to feel about this because on one hand that’s a really extra level of dedication, which I somewhat respect but on the other hand... it’s just way too much

I literally feel nothing for this couple at all - I like Sam but as a couple, I wasn’t rooting for them or particularly happy or satisfied when they got together. Also, they didn’t show Jodi liking him at all up until this point. He was in love with her but there was no indication that she had any kind of feelings for him whatsoever. I guess it could be one of those situations where something happens and you see them in a whole new light and realise that you’ve been overlooking them the whole time but I feel like the timespan between her realising this and then getting together was way too short for me to actually care about them as a couple because for like 98% of the movie the attraction was completely one sided. If they’d shown her starting to have feelings for him earlier in the movie, e.g. when he started dating Liz, and shown her feeling jealous or upset or anything that indicates she actually does have underlying feelings for him but is scared to date him because of the height difference or whatever, I think I would’ve found the romance way more believable.

Also the characters of colour are so underdeveloped & sidelined in this movie - there’s Fareeda, who is literally just a walking “angry black girl”+”sassy supportive black friend” stereotype. She has no other development throughout this entire film. We literally know nothing about her other than that she’s Jodi’s best friend and always sticks up for / supports her even though she’s clearly ungrateful. Kimmy is a one dimensional caricature of a Mean Girl with apparently nothing else that matters to her but being a dick to Kimmy for no reason and being popular and being Homecoming Queen. There’s literally no reason given for why she hates Jodi so much either, because she’s never shown being awful to anyone else - she just really has it out for Jodi. And apart from Fareeda, the only named characters of colour only exist to be rejected romantic interests for the white characters and have no purpose or personality beyond this.

Overall I wouldn’t say this was the worst movie I’ve watched but I disliked it more than a lot of objectively worse movies I’ve watched - it was definitely one of the least enjoyable and most frustrating movies I’ve ever watched. I was hoping that even though the premise seemed dumb it would still be a cute, enjoyable teen movie - but they focused so much on how much supposed adversity she faced and how difficult life is for a tall girl that it’s hard to focus on anything else. Honestly I think that if they’d just cut out all of the dialogue about how hard life was for her, about adversity, about how “tall girls don’t get happy endings” or whatever, the movie could actually have been somewhat enjoyable with the rest of the plot being the same. It could’ve just been about a taller-than-average girl who feels insecure about her height trying to date a tall guy but realising her best friend is actually the right guy for her - and realising that it’s not the world that’s holding her back, it’s actually her own insecurities. My opinions on the quality of the plot and romance are obviously just my opinions and you obviously don’t have to agree with them but I don’t think you can deny how objectively tone deaf the premise is and how the characters of colours are basically sidelined and only exist to support the white character’s storylines, which is why I’m definitely putting this movie in the Never Watch Again pile.

[floralege]

everybuddy for the ship meme!

who asks the other on dates:  elliot  only  has  a  mild  complex  about  not  being  as  cool  as  a  vampire,  so  he  tries  to  plan  special  dates  for  lauren.  pru  and  del  have  regular  date  nights  to  catch  up  and  shit  talk  everything  going  on  ;  bee,  camille,  and  meg  do  the  same,  just  under  fancier  reservations.  meg  likes  to  call  up  tj  and  tell  him  that  he’s  planned  a  wonderful  date  night  for  them  at  random.

who is the bigger cuddler:  caia  is  big  on  cuddling  even  if  she’s  icy  cold,  so  jimmy  needs  lots  of  blankets.  ian  knows  it’s  inappropriate  to  cuddle  but  it’s  also  not  his  fault if  he  notices  that  cecile  looks  chilly  and  he  wants  to  keep  her  warm!  fern  and  ethan  got  drunk,  passed  out,  and  woke  up  cuddling.  they  decided  to  never  speak  of it.

who initiates holding hands more often:  mick  loves  holding  hands,  so  he’d  always  reach  out  for  delphine.  same  w  soft  as  jack  who  just  likes  feeling  kimber’s  touch!  emiliana  allowed  simon  to  hold  her  hand  a  few  times  so  now  he  just  always  tries  in  the  hopes  that  she’ll  give  in  at  some  point.  duffy  still  gets  nervous  about  holding  vee’s  hand  but  in  a  very  sweet  way.

who remembers anniversaries:  liam  and  fern  pick  one  day  a  year  to  get  free  cake  and  drinks  at  the  nearest  restaurant  by  playing  up  the  anniversary  schtick,  though  they’ve  mostly  forgotten  the  actual  dates.  elliot  remembers  everything  but  he’s  trying  not  to  be  so  human  about  it  because  he  knows  time  is  a  much  different  concept  for  lauren.  grady  remembered  every  single  anniversary,  the  problem  is  that  he  though  sending  a  gift  a  reasonable  way  to  not  actually  spend  time  with  cecile.

who is more possessive:  rome  and  gideon,  big  time.  liam  and  fern.  mick  and  delphine,  but  they  try  to  joke  about  it.  arlo  gives  a  little  side  eye  whenever  someone  chats  up  coco  at  the  bar  but  he  tries  to  ignore  it.  maybe  nik  n  nora?  ginny  only  feels  possessive  of  lil  when  they’re  in  the  same  vicinity.  esme  is  EXTREMELY  possessive  of  olivia,  which  is  probably  a  big  problem  for  them!

who gets more jealous:  same  as  above  but  also  add  in  pru,  who  is  literally  losing  her  mind  every  time  she  has  to  see  bee  and  adam  in  the  papers.  adam  gets  a  little  annoyed  whenever  he  sees  mick  and  del.  i’m  sure  fern,  ethan,  and  liam  will  become  a  stupid  web.  daphne  and  sid.

who is more protective:  i  know  he’s  a  bastard  man  but  simon  was  actually  v  protective  of  cecile  when  she  was  alive.  ian,  obviously.  the  vamps  are  a  hot  mess  but  they’d  kill  for  one  another.  the  same  for  temperance  and  lilith.  freddie  and  hannah,  arlo  and  coco.

who is more likely to cheat:  WELL  i  think  we’ve  noted  that  pru  and  delphine  are  experts  at  this.  same  with  sadie,  even  if  it  still  haunts  her.  elliot’s  the  only  one  in  his  own  band  and  crew  that  knows  any  sense  of  fidelity  and  loyalty.  everyone  sleeps  together  okay!  meg  skirts  around  cheating  by  never  definitively  claiming  to  be  anything,  while  also  demanding  all  girlfriend  perks.

who initiates sexy times the most:   cilla is,  at  all  times,  trying  to  sleep  with  henry.  i’m  sure  delphine  knows  exactly  what  to  do  get  mick  worked  up.  pru’s  personal  aphrodisiac  is  seeing  brigitte  in  her  office,  so  lots  of  times  there.  johnny  slip  his  hand  up  cam’s  skirt  in  public  a  lot.  it’s  tradition  that  rome  and  gideon  don’t  say  hello,  they  just  fuck  on  the  nearest  surface  and  i  think  that’s  beautiful.  marilyn  went  without  for  months  so  emile  gets  pulled  aside  a  lot.

who dislikes PDA the most:  grady’s  probably  the  only  who’s  more  subdued  about  it,  but  the  rest  pack  it  on  happily!  also  camille  when  anyone  tries  touching  her  in  public.

who asks the the other to marry them:   EVERYONE  IS  GETTING  MARRIED  !  mick  would  ask  delphine  in  a  heartbeat  but  he  knows  her  answer  already.  fred  and  hannah.  elliot’s  been  googling  if  vampires  can  get  married  outside  of  their  species  and  he  insists  it’s  just  a  joke.  i’m  sure  cilla  will  piss  off  the  world  and  elope  w  henry.  daisy’s  sort  of  content  with  having  a  relaxed  love  life  for  the  first  time  possibly  ever.

who buys the other flowers or gifts:  adam  likes  being  papped  buying  the  biggest  bouqet  of  roses  before  stopping  by  bee’s  place.  fern  gifts  liam  w  cool  lighters  she  finds  around  venues.  jack  compiles  positive  reviews  of  kimber’s  bakery  to  hang  around  the walls.

who would bring up possibly having kids:   elliot  broaches  the  subject  but  he  understands  why  it  goes  NOWHERE.  gideon  and  rome  already  have  two  quasi - children  of  their  own.  caia  would  actually  love  a  family  with  jimmy  but  has  no  idea  how  that  even  works.  

who is more nervous to meet the parents:  cilla  comes  from  a  long  line  of  demons  so  she’s  anxious  about  meeting  henry’s  family.  dinners  with  jules  inspire  a  certain  sense  of  fear  in  mick.  arlo  has  a  morbid  curiosity  about  coco’s  family  but  he  sticks  with  just  knowing  nik  for  now.

who sleeps on the couch when the other is angry:  after  particularly  nasty  fights,  emmy  sends  dominic  to  sleep  in  the  guest  bedroom  on  the  farthest  end  of  the  penthouse.  pru  sleeps  on  the  couch  but  it’s  so  comfortable  that  she  actually  doesn’t  mind.  cam  sends  johnny  to  the  couch  in  his  own  apartment.  

who tries to make up first after arguments:  if  they  ever  have  any  disagreements,  temperance  knows  enough  of  lilith’s  history  to  apologize  right  off  the  bat  (  ginny,  on  the  other  hand,  likes  making  things  worse  )  gideon’s  always  the  first  to  seek  out  rome.  jack  and  kimber  are  over  their  fights  within  ten  minutes.

who tells the other they love them more often:  elliot  always  sends  ‘thinking  of  you  x’  texts  and  postcards.  drunk  cilla  is  the  most  affection  person  in  the  world.  ian  tries  to  say  it  constantly,  but  he’s  too  enamored  with  their  connection  to  potentially  ruin  it.  fred/cam  and  fred/hannah  naturally.  honestly  EVERYONE  expresses  it  in  some  way.

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 15.12: “Galaxy Brain”

Oh, my friends, so many things have happened since we last got together. Most of them bad. But let’s try to forget them and immerse ourselves in our favorite show again, shall we?

THEN: Sammy lost hope (Saaaaaaammmmmm!!!!), Chuck needs to visit his other worlds, and oh. Crap. Kaia. Claire’s wooden response to Kaia’s death, Dark Kaia’s stupid dramatic poses… ugh. I’m not here for any of this. And also, Jack has to do exactly what Billie says if he wants to kill God.

NOW: Four weeks ago. Earth 2. Apparently Radio Shack Shed is still in business in this other world. Maybe because Hillary Clinton is the president. Oh, but things are going to go downhill for Radio Shed, because Chuck just walked in.

I take it you’re unsatisfied with your viewing experience at home?

You have no idea.

Hee!

The friendly Radio Shed employee tries to interest Chuck in his giant wall o’televisions, but he’s not here for a TV. What is he here for? “An audience. It’s monologue time.” Each of the TVs begins to show scenes from one of Chuck’s worlds, including the interior of the bunker in our world, as he begins his monologue. As we watch Sam’s visions from the other worlds, Chuck complains that he created his one world, created copies, and should be happy. Because he’s gotten what he wants from hundreds of Sams and Deans, and could get more. But the other worlds don’t spark joy like the original Sam and Dean do. “They challenge me. They disappoint me. They surprise me. They’re the ones.” Chuck doesn’t need more. He suddenly realizes he needs less. It’s time to cancel “all the other worlds, the alternate realities, the subplots, the failed spinoffs.” YES, CHUCK, ESPECIALLY THE FAILED SPINOFFS.

Title card!

Sioux Falls. Our version. Jody is examining a dead cow. Alex calls, wanting to know when she’ll be home to eat vegan lasagna. Which sounds nasty. I’ve got nothing against vegan cuisine, but I think taking a dish that’s supposed to be loaded with cheese, and loading it with not-cheese, is a mistake. Just make spaghetti. Jody says she thinks her dead cow is evidence of humans, not monsters. She sees something suspicious in a barn and heads inside, where she is promptly clobbered.

Bunker. Sam’s wearing that orange plaid shirt that fits him just right, although the collar is higher than I’d like, and we’ve discussed my feelings on orange. Whatever TFW is talking about, he doesn’t like it. “Which part?” Dean asks. “Jack’s deal with Death, or the part where she’s got him eating angel hearts?” Yeah, there’s a lot to dislike there. Sam doesn’t think they should trust Billie, and he’s concerned about Jack’s state of mind, considering that he is still soulless, and was in the Empty for months. And I’m sure this was not intentional on the writers’ part, but I like the way this played out. When they first saw Jack, Sam was the one who immediately reached out, because his boy was back, and it wasn’t until later that he thought oh, things might be fucked up. Dean, on the other hand, immediately had his guard up, and took a moment before he decided it was okay and accepted Jack. This feels true to the characters and I like it. But as I said, I’m sure it’s an accident.

For his part, Jack is wandering the dark rooms of the bunker. He comes across the initials scratched into the table and touches Mary’s, then retreats to his room. Where a strange woman suddenly appears behind him and says she’s answering Jack’s silent prayer to Death, who is busy at the moment.

Meanwhile, Cas says he has some concerns, but Jack trusts Billie and he trusts Jack. And that makes sense. Jack is, what, two years old now? So of course he’s learned who is trustworthy. It’s not like he ever trusted Lucifer or anything like that. Sam reminds them of the required cosmic balance, what with Amara needing to be cancelled out by God. Dean says, having spent time with Billie and visited her library, that he believes in her and her commitment to the rules. He thinks she’s probably got it all figured out.

“Probably?” Sam says. “Like she had the Ma’lak box figured out?” Well, there’s an interesting point. Billie was sure there was only one road that didn’t end in chaotic destruction, and she was wrong. {Or she was lying. Discuss.} But Dean’s still willing to put his faith in her. After all, she was right about Rowena. And it’s the only plan they’ve got, which Sam reluctantly agrees with. Well, he doesn’t agree as much as he just stops arguing.

Skeptical Sam!

Jack is telling his visitor about how he called out to Billie for help with the Grigori, but she didn’t respond. The visitor must be a reaper. She’s a pleasant change from other reapers – a middle-aged woman with gorgeous silver hair and a matronly outfit. She assures Jack that Billie must have known everything would turn out okay, or else she would have stepped in. All Jack has to do is follow Billie’s rules – lie low, wait for instructions, and don’t use your powers under any circumstances, because God might find you. Oooh, what could possibly happen now? Whose life will be in jeopardy, forcing Jack to use his powers?

Approaching Jack’s room, Sam hears him talking to the reaper. Sam knocks on the door and then opens it, which is not cool. {Sidebar: A knock is supposed to say “can I come in,” not “here I come.” You should wait for permission to open the door.} Anyway. When Sam enters, the reaper is gone. Jack claims he was talking to “no one,” and Sam lets that pass. He tells Jack he’s just checking in on him, and stumbles a bit when trying to express how glad they are to have him back. He tells Jack that he could have come to them, even though I’m pretty sure Jack said he couldn’t because he was hiding from God, but that was so long ago that I’ve forgotten. But let’s concentrate on the important part of this conversation. Sam’s face.

He’s awkward and endearing and I adore him.

Dean and Cas are sharing a decanter of whiskey now that Sam’s finally out of their hair. {waves to the Destiel shippers.} Cas explains that he was sure Jack would save the world somehow, and he was “lost” when Jack “died” because he knew Jack’s story couldn’t be done yet. And now, he is absolutely sure that he was right all along. “Here’s to being right,” Dean offers as a toast. He’s also excited about the idea of revenge against Chuck, though Cas says he’s only interested in “Jack fulfilling his destiny.”

Can we just have several minutes of Dean drinking whiskey? Please?

But before Dean can spend a lot of time basking in his anticipated revenge, his phone rings. It’s Jody. Someone’s holding a phone up to her face, so she must be tied up. “Dean, I’m in trouble. Route 11, Fletcher Farm, the old barn. If you don’t come, I’m dead.” Yeah, looks like trouble, all right.

Fletcher Farm. The Impala pulls up next to Jody’s Sheriffmobile. (Aw, typing that makes me miss the Pimpmobile.) It’s just Sam and Dean, though Sam is on the phone with someone when they arrive.

Hello, gorgeous.

The guys find Jody tied up, as predicted, inside the old Fletcher barn. Sam starts to untie her, as Dean conveniently looks the other way and therefore completely misses someone attacking Sam. You will probably not be surprised to hear that this someone is Dark Kaia. She dispatches Sam easily, as people always do when it’s convenient for plot reasons, and gets Dean by the throat. “You have something that belongs to me,” she says. Which, as we know from the Then, is her magic spear. That got broken. Oops. Dean doesn’t care that he promised her he’d get her back to her own world, or that he promised to return the spear, because “that promise expired the minute you hurt our friend.” Although, Dean, you were conveniently ignoring that promise long before Jody got involved, but okay. Luckily, Jody is able to sneak up behind Dark Kaia and hit her with something, allowing Dean and Sam to pull their guns. Yay! {Sidebar: I love Jody, y’all, but that doesn’t mean I want her being the badass instead of Sam.} Sam asks Dark Kaia why she’s so desperate to get back to “that hellhole,” because apparently Sam doesn’t get that your home is your home, even if it’s a hellhole, which makes perfect sense, she said sarcastically.

It turns out the awful orange jacket doesn’t actually match the orange plaid shirt all that well.

Dark Kaia explains that her world is dying, and she knows this because she’s psychically connected to Kaia 1.0. Who is still alive, somehow. Jody feels awful, but Sam and Dean are the ones who didn’t even bother to haul her carcass back through the rift, so. {Sidebar: Coincidentally, I just watched “Defending Your Life.” I wonder if Dean’s feelings of guilt have changed since that episode?}

Bunker. Jack is beating Cas at Connect Four when they hear the creaky door open. {Sidebar: The Husband winces every time he hears the Impala’s squeaky doors. Do the Winchesters not know what WD-40 is?} Sam comes downstairs with Jody, and we have this weird conversation.

Jody!

Hey, Jack, Cas.

Nice to finally meet you in person.

Have Jody and Cas really never met? And if not, why did she casually greet him with “hey, Cas?” Weird. Carrying on. Dean appears with Dark Kaia, who also greets Jack, because I guess she knows him from Kaia 1.0’s dreams or whatever.

Time jump. Cas insists Jack can’t help Dark Kaia, and the guys are like, no shit. But they still want to rescue Kaia 1.0 somehow, so they send Jody into the depths of the bunker to look for something they might not have thought of that can help them jump worlds. Let’s just think about that for a minute. These two, experts in hunting and lore, residents of the bunker for the past 7 years and at least one of them a cataloguer of its contents, who spent a huge part of previous seasons trying to break into a different world and scouring the bunker for anything that would help, think Jody will find something they didn’t?

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Cas says he’s going to call Sergei to see if he has any more archangel grace. Sergei? Sergei who almost killed Sam recently, and had to be threatened with death to fix what he’d done?

Oh, seriously, for fuck’s sake.

Carrying on. Cas wants archangel grace because, other than Jack, it’s the only thing that’s opened a rift before. And Sam agrees, because both Sam and Cas have forgotten that an angel’s vessel retains some grace which can be extracted after the angel is gone.

Come on, guys. I’m trying, but you’ve got to meet me halfway. And this isn’t even a Buckleming episode.

Shhh. Concentrate on the pretty.

Dark Kaia yells that they’re wasting time, and Jack is right there and could get them to her world right now. “Hey, Not Kaia?” Dean says. “Not helping.” Hee! Jack decides he’ll do research instead, and then they have to decide what they’ll do with Dark Kaia. Jody says “She killed a prize heifer just to get my attention, then she jumped me, beat me up, and threatened to kill me. Do I get a vote?” Oooh, I like Dark Jody.

But the worst thing that happens to Dark Kaia is that they handcuff her to a table and force her to read a fashion magazine. She pretends she’s not interested, hurling it across the table, but sweetie, you’re not fooling anyone. I’m looking at your hair and makeup right now and I can tell you’re into it.

{Sidebar: Is this model supposed to remind her of Claire? Is that why she got upset, because she feels Kaia 1.0’s love for Claire? Discuss.}

Jack throws himself into the research and finds an old Italian spell that requires the liver of a monster which is, unfortunately, extinct because John Winchester killed the last one. Awkward. Dean suggests Jack check on Cas and Jody, and Jack does the oh, because I’m a failure look. The guys are sure they won’t find anything, but to me, the possibility of one spell that requires a monster’s liver implies that other spells might be possible. I mean, how special could that one monster be? Unless it was an archangel monster. Sam suggests he might be able to jerry-rig some magic using a substitute, and oh, guys, once again I’m sure this was accidental, but I love Sam being able and willing to do magic. Love it so hard. Unfortunately, he abandons this idea, since no substitutes are available.

In another part of the bunker, Cas is leaving fruitless messages with Sergei, who presumably remembers the last episode he was in better than Cas does. And Jody’s not having any luck identifying what she finds. They have a little chat about Claire, who is out of cell phone range (which means she won’t show up in this episode, thank you baby Jesus). Jody doesn’t want to involve her anyway, because she loved Kaia so freaking much after knowing her for, what, a day, and if they’re not able to rescue her, Claire would just be crushed.

I don’t know how we’ll be able to tell, since this is Claire’s crushed-by-the-loss-of-her-true-love face. And it’s also her Alex-borrowed-my-sweater-without-asking face. And her Patience-ate-all-the-Cheetos face.

Uh oh! Jack was listening! What will that do to him? He goes to see Dark Kaia and apologizes for not being able to do more. Dark Kaia blames him for Kaia 1.0 crossing over, and reminds him again that she’s going to die soon. Oddly, she doesn’t try this guilt trip on Dean, who pointed a gun at Kaia 1.0 and forced her into the car, as we saw in the Then. Dark Kaia says she crossed over into our world because she envied Kaia 1.0’s peaceful world, but it turns out she hates it, and desperately wants to go back to her own world. She grabs Jack’s hands and begs him to fix it. Jack touches her face, like he did when he was showing the Winchesters where Mary was being held in AU World, and sees Kaia 1.0 in the Bad Place. She’s got a shelter and a campfire and a lizard in a cage, so I guess things could be worse.

He goes to Sam and Dean and tells them he saw Kaia 1.0 and is going to save her. He confesses to dreamwalking, which is against Billie’s rules, but he insists it’s the right thing to do. “You’ve gotta be kidding me” says a voice from the shadows. Jack introduces Merle, his silver-haired reaper. “How did you get in here?” Dean asks, because he’s forgotten how reapers work, I guess.

(Checks again to make sure this isn’t a Buckleming episode.)

Merle says being willing to risk everything for one person isn’t just dumb, “that’s Winchester dumb.” Dean is offended but, well. She ain’t wrong. Merle says if Jack tries to use his power to save Kaia 1.0, she’ll tell Death. Jack says she should go tell Billie, but while she does that, he’ll open a rift, and therefore Merle will be in big trouble. And I kind of had the impression that reapers didn’t have to, you know, physically go find Billie to tell her anything, but maybe I’m the one who forgot how reapers work.

{Spoiler alert: I don’t think I am.}

Anyway, Jack’s threats work. Merle agrees to fix the bunker’s cosmic warding, which the Winchesters did not completely repair after Amara destroyed it. It can’t be restored permanently, but she can put up a temporary fix that will hopefully hide Jack from Chuck. And she’ll need to use Cas to juice it up. Oh, so many possibilities for disaster here. Later, Sam performs a spell and we see glowing sigils appear on the walls, which is a nice effect.

Sam reading the spell is also a nice effect.

Another time jump. The guys are packing for their journey. Dean asks how Sam feels about it, and Sam says “Honestly? It feels like we’re taking a big, probably stupid risk. It feels good. Disobeying cosmic entities, doing the dumb right thing. Feels like we’re back.” Aw yes. My boys, doing the dumb right thing.

Jody thanks Cas for staying, and he asks her to stay too. Because he’s concerned that if she gets killed, Claire will never get over it. Jody agrees that he’s right. And I’m pretty sure this is going to be important somehow; that something awful will happen because Jody isn’t there, or Jody staying behind will mean she’s able to save the guys somehow. {Spoiler alert: I’m wrong.}

Oddly enough, Jody doesn’t seem to actually tell the Winchesters she’s not going. I guess it happened off camera. Merle and Cas power up the sigils, Jack does his thing, and the rift opens. Dark Kaia goes through first, followed by Sam and Dean.

Bad Place! It’s dark and windy and there are lots of those weird little red-eyed dudes around, but they don’t attack. Dark Kaia says they’re afraid of the oncoming storm. {Sidebar: What evolutionary purpose is solved by glowing eyes? It seems like a hindrance.} They yell for Kaia 1.0, and she comes out to meet them, grabbing Dean for a hug. {Sidebar: Yeah, of course it’s Dean.} They turn to leave and wait, you’re just going to leave your lizard? He’s in a cage! He’ll starve! Dark Kaia doesn’t follow, and says she’s going to stay. Sam reminds her she’ll die, but she doesn’t care. She can’t live in our world. Which, well. It sucks sometimes. No judgment here, kiddo. And I guess she can take care of Kaia 1.0’s lizard. The Winchesters head back to the rift with Kaia 1.0 just as the lightning picks up and a huge cloud of destruction approaches. Oh. I guess that lizard didn’t need anyone to take care of him after all. Bye bye, Bad Place!

Bunker. Jody is sitting in front of the rift when the boys burst through with Kaia 1.0. Big hug! Later, we see Kaia (I’m gonna just call her Kaia now, since I think she’s the only one left) wearing Jack’s clothes. It’s cute. Jody invites her to move back with her. “Will Claire be there?” Kaia asks, because, you know, the love story for the ages, blah blah blah. Kaia thanks the guys, and leaves with Jody. Yay! Job well done, right? Except there’s a little too much time left in this episode for a happy wrap-up, so.

Merle tells the guys that if she gave a rat’s ass about Kaia, she’d call this a victory. But she’s pretty sure their scheme worked, since none of them are dead and oh crap, she’s impaled by a scythe. Guess again, Merle!

So, yeah, Billie’s here and she’s not happy. She lectures everyone and points out that one life isn’t important, because all the worlds are dying. All of them except this one. Sam angrily asks Billie what her plan is. She tells them everyone has a death book in her library, even God. God didn’t plot his own death, but “the books wrote themselves,” so Chuck’s death is in there, pre-plotted. But no one gets to read their own book unless Billie lets them. Jack is in Chuck’s book, and so are the Winchesters. “This is your destiny. You are the messengers of God’s destruction.”

Back at the Radio Shed, Chuck is watching his worlds self-destruct on the bank of TVs. He’s been there a while, judging by the number of takeout containers. The sales clerk is curled up on the floor, having served him “for weeks.” He asks Chuck if he’ll be spared, and Chuck says “You’ll be fine. Everything’s just fine.” Then he walks out of the store just as the sky fills with falling meteorites. Hey, I think that was a lie!

So. Several annoying things happened (yes, we know, because you wouldn’t shut up about them) but I can’t call this a bad episode. But I can’t call it a really good one, either. As mytharc episodes go, I guess it could be worse. What did you think? (And what does the title mean?)

Please help me stay unspoiled, thanks!