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eriquebittle · 7 years

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You should do holsom for that 31 questions thing like do all of them

here we fucking go,

1. Who in your OTP is the serial butt-slapper and who is constantly getting their beautiful butt slapped?

theyre equal opportunity bros...if ur bf gets a killer shot at beer pong or aces his chem exam you have to slap his butt it's the Bro Code

2. Who wants to be immortal and who wants to die before they’re old?

they had a conversation about this at 2am and they both decided that they would pick the same option ("i never wanna live without you bro" "BRO") however, holster has tried to get his poptart out of the toaster with a fork three different times so dying young seems likely

3. Who smokes and who pulls the cigarette from between their lips every time they try to light one?

i mean they're college athletes so neither of them smoke but i bet holster tried it once freshman year and ransom had to run back to his dorm to find his inhaler

4. Who always has cold hands and who is always warming them up for them?

ransom's hands are freezing and holster breathes on em and gives them kisses 2 keep them warm

5. Who plays candy crush in important meetings and who elbows them in the ribs to make them pay attention?

when they have a lecture together they just snapchat each other uglie badly-angled selfies

6. Who can fall asleep anywhere (and does) and who has to put them to bed?

ransom is forced to survive on three hours of sleep during finals so he passes out mid-conversation and holster sets an alarm and rolls him into bed so they can nap together

7. Who is the genius procrastinator who wings every test but still comes away with straight As, and who takes preparation and conscientious work very seriously?

justin "4.0 but never goes to class" oluransi, a beautiful coral reef, is a strange combination of both, holster has seen his textbooks maybe twice this semester and manages B's

8. Who takes their coffee black and who likes it with milk and two sugars, getting called a pussy by Person A?

ransom gets his with like six sugars and holster has been drinking black coffee since he was 6

9. Who initially seems shady but turns out to be a cinnamon bun, and who initially seems like a cinnamon bun but turns out to be shady?

not so much "shady" as douchey? initally they come off looking like the "you kno i had to do it to em" guy but theyre just two Bros....in love....who don't know how to be quiet in the library

10. Who moans and talks with their mouth full whenever they eat good food, and who tells them to stfu but can’t help laughing?

do i even need 2 say it,

11.Who gives the bear hugs and who is always sidling up to them and snaking their arms around their waist?

ransom gives the Best Hugs and holster is a fucking giant who loves sneaking up behind his bf and resting his head on his shoulder and giving him. a smooch

12. Who still buys juice boxes and fruit snacks to put in their lunch?

whenever they go to stop & shop they stock the fuck up on gushers and capri suns “bro. as a future doctor? this is not how two college athletes should be fueling our bodies. fuck it throw in a few more boxes of gushers”

13. Who packs the other’s lunch and who repays them in sexual favours?

ransom has an 8am lab and forgets to bring food, and holster is happy 2 oblige to bring him his granola bar after ransom punctuates his text asking for lunch with a bunch of eggplant emojis

14. Who leaves notes in the other’s lunch and who tells them they’re dumb (but secretly has a collection of every note Person A has ever written them)?

holster leaves notes in ransoms bag a lot when he knows he’s getting really stressed out, and ransom keeps them in a shoebox under his bed and reads them when he needs to calm down

15. Who unconsciously holds their breath the first time they kiss, and who pulls back and says, “Breathe…”?

ransom holds his breath because holy fuck? hes about to make out with his best bro? and theyre sober this time? and whatififuckitupandourdmanmagicisgoneforeverandwenevermaekeitpastthefirstroundeveragainohmygodijustruinedsamwellmenshockeyforever and holster is like “breathe. can we just make out now please”

16. Who gets arrested for a petty crime they committed by accident and who bails them out?

holster gets arrested for jumping into the fountain at the mall on a dare, ransom bails him out

17. Who grabs the other’s hand just as they’re getting out of bed and pulls them back under for cuddles?

ransom has early classes and holster grabs him and rolls over on him so he’s trapped under a 200 lb d man who just wants to spoon a little bit longer

18. Who gets mad about something unrelated to Person B and punches the wall, and who patches it up and kisses it better?

holster trips over his desk chair and accidentally puts his fist through the wall, Doctor Justin kisses it until the throbbing is gone

“is this gonna affect my handjob game, doctor?”

19. Who has the plain black phone case and who ordered one with cat ears off ebay?

ransom has a black one that he coated in stickers, holster bought the cat ear one by mistake but just decided to own it

20. Who likes to drive with the music blaring and who is too shy to sing along?

holster has a 500 song driving playlist that includes every banger in the discography of one direction, and neither of them are shy about singing along at maximum volume

21. Who’s the fantastic kisser and who has the beautiful eyes?

they both insist that the other one has both and get into fights over whose eyes are prettier and who kisses better

22. Who has the sunshine smile and who has the seductive gaze?

ransom defo has that killer smile, but holster has a resting bitch face and when he tries to look Seductive he looks tired and mad hfdjfhwhgfwb

23. Who gets offended by the intensity of the other’s crush on a celebrity?

UMMMMM justin “ransom” oluransi mashkov is in love with tater and holster has learned to accept that if given the chance, ransom would leave him for tater in 0.000007 seconds

“babe would you really leave me for mashkov”

“you know i would but ill always remember you”

“ ;___;”

dex: “can you guys not do this in the facebook group chat”

24. Who is embarrassed that they have to wear glasses sometimes and who wants them to wear them in bed?

ransom has a slight stigmatism but he mostly wears contacts, holster falls asleep in his glasses and when ransom tells him to take them off during sex holsters like “but how else am i gonna see your beautiful face bro”

25. Who cheats on the other then immediately begs for their forgiveness?

“you do this every fucking time and im tired of it”

“justin im so fucking sorry ill never do it again i promise”

“no im done playing monopoly with you dude you sneak extra money into your pile every time im sick of it”

26. Who is the jealous one and asks why the other was being so flirty all night, and who is oblivious to their own charms?

everyone has a crush on ransom and he doesnt see it, holster has the worst fucking game in history but he loves his boyfriends personality and every relationship needs to be built on trust, bro

27. Who orders a milkshake with their food and who orders a soda?

holster orders a milkshake for the sole purpose of asking ransom if its gonna bring all the boys to the yard

28. Who runs their battery down to 1% and who feels the need to charge theirs at 80%?

ransom takes care of his phone like its his child, holster hasnt seen a charger in three days and keeps the brightness up to 10000 so its constantly dead

29. Who has the excellent singing voice and is always singing around the house (and for Person B), but has no interest in going professional?

holster regularly belts out les mis aroud the haus, ransom joins him occasionaly but leaves most of it to adam

30. Who would rather be barefoot if the setting is appropriate, and who has the huge and spectacular shoe collection (possibly also socks)?

when holster is anywhere he considers himself comfortable his feet are BARE, ransom has a sock collection a la spencer from icarly

31. Who takes their liquor on the rocks and who likes it neat?

holster orders on the rocks so he can chew on the ice with his massive horse teeth, ransom orders it neat but 99% of the time theyre drinking its at a kegster so they mainly just drink tub juice and natty light. classy

#if u read all the way to the end: bless u #thanks anon!!!!#ask games #anon #answered #message in a bottle

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baristamademommy · 6 years

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Products sent from the Heavens for New Parents

I thought that after 3 baby showers, I had everything you could ever need. I checked off every category on my registry. I read lists on Pinterest. But I was so wrong. Through the process of trial and error at 2am, I found what did and didnt work for me. Below are the 10 items Id buy again in a heartbeat-

(Picture of Cooper at age 9 weeks, 2 days)

Gas Drops aka Mylicon Drops aka Simethicone Drops- Im currently using Little Remedies but Ive used Infants Mylicon before as well. Both brands seem to work the same to me. Coopers still young and his digestive system is still developing but I felt like the gas wasnt “moving along”. I was giving them every time I fed him and now I give them maybe 3 times a day. I always have an extra box on hand.

Windi by FreidaBaby-LIFE. SAVER. OMG. When I first saw it, I was hesitant to stick anything up my sons little bum, but I got over that once I saw how well it worked. Its a little tube that you insert into their bottom and it helps push gas out. The first time, nothing happened and I was pissed. The second time, I heard a little whistle as the gas was coming out. A little bit later, he was farting up a storm and then poop came. The third time, I heard the whistle but then I felt pressure. Thank God I read the box and reviews that said to keep a clean diaper near by because out came a yellow river of poop. Julian almost threw up on our baby LOL. Now I always have these on hand.

Nose Freida by DermaBaby- ANOTHER life saver. And NO, the boogers dont get in your mouth. Its a large tube that you place against babes nostril, creating a seal. You suck out of the red end and create your own suction and BAM boogers are free. Theres a sponge filter inbetween the tubes so the boogers never get into your mouth, but theyve never even come close to the filter when I use it. Pair this with some saline spray and your little one will breathe easy once again!

DermaFreida by FreidaBaby- This super soft brush is used in the shower to help exfoliate any dead skin off your baby, primarily on their head. Its helped remove most of Coopers cradle cap. I wish I had found this sooner, its amazing.

Fisher Price Deluxe Take Along Swing and Seat- I have two swings for him, one at each grandmas house. This was the second swing we purchased because it was on sale and I honestly think I want this one at both of their houses. Its super lightweight, folds up super small and compact and was a breeze to assemble. Its such a cute swing I absolutely love it.

Sleepsacks- If you have a wild sleeper like me, youll need these. I bought velcro swaddles and Cooper screamed at me like he was in a straight jacket and he always got out of my muslin swaddles (but Ive recently gotten better at swaddling him and he stays in there tight 😈) so I invested in these. Theyre also great for cold nights when they need a little extra warmth, since you dont any to put any blankets in their bed. Theyve got long and short sleeve ones. I called them little potato sacks!

Chicco Bravo Travel System- I was SO excited to buy this travel system! I added it to my registry and waited to use my completion coupon at Babies R Us to buy this. I got there and they were offering it for 10% off and said they werent sure they could honor my 15% off coupon. I told them to call a manager and figure it out because I was 8 months pregnant and I earned my coupon and I wasnt leaving until they honored it. I rolled out of there happy as can be lol. Its all SO easy to use. Everything is one click. One click to put the car seat in the base, one push to get it out. Folding the stroller out takes one push and then it clicks. Folding it up takes one pull of a lever. I know its pricy but its worth every penny. It makes taking your baby out in public soooo much easier.

Graco Pack N Play Nearby Napper- My mom bought me this for Christmas and I cried lol. Its the only thing I wanted. We dont use a crib, we only use this. I wanted it because of its functionality as he grows. The bassinet is removable and flips over to be a bouncer. He slept in the bassinet every night without fail. Since its removable and lightweight, I was able to carry it room to room with me. The bouncer helped soothe him and I swear it helped him poop LOL. I never really used the changing table side but its there for those who want it. Once he out grew the bassinet, we removed both of those parts and he sleeps on the upper level. When he gets too heavy or sits up, whichever comes first, we will lower the mattress to the bottom. Well worth the money if you ask me.

Wubbanub- We go no where without it! Coopers had 4 of them so far (because Miah thought they looked fun too and ate two of them...) and he loves them! Hes always loved the Soothie type binky the most so these are great because the binky can never get lost!

Boobeazy Nipple Balm- I used Lanolin Nipple Cream and it honestly didnt help at all. I thought breastfeeding was the most painful thing ever and Id never find relief but then I found this balm. It goes on soooo smoothly and it helped the pain go away. Best product out there.

Are there any products you cant live without? Leave me some comments below!

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613526362 · 4 years

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You and your daughter

This is not the end.

This is not the end. It’s the beginning of a new world. A world where we realize how vulnerable we are, how weak we are, how defenseless we are, how ignorant we are.

Surgeon hasn’t realized any of that yet.

He will.

I sent a text message, “I’m leaving in 30 minutes.”

No response. He and his wife had stayed up late the night before drinking and watching Netflix. His response to the virus was, in general, to watch Netflix.

Finally after I sent a 10 minute text, I heard his footsteps down the stairs.

I told him I was going to West to buy a handgun. It was the only place I could with my drivers license, due to the laws.

I told him I might be back that night, or the next night, if it was okay with him. I would then travel on to the Midwest.

When we were standing outside and I took the cover off my car, Beth said, “Wow Marshall. You sure packed up your car fast.”

“I did it, gradually,” I said, looking at Surgeon with a glance.

I remember my last words to him. All things I had said before.

All falling on deaf ears.

“They’re using anesthesia machines for ventilators, converting surgical suites into ICUs for COVID patients. I understand that you feel that your neighbors - and the hospital - will support you and take care you you when this gets bad. But you see the hospital is already failing. No equipment, financial problems. I hope you’ll take the opportunity to prepare somethings for yourself and your wife in case things get bad.”

All falling on deaf ears.

Two hours later, I started to get repeat phone calls from Surgeon. Then messages, when I didn’t pick up,

“DONT GO TO THE BIG CITY.”

“THEYRE GOING TO QUARANTINE THE BIG CITY.”

“COME HERE OR GO TO THE MIDWEST WITH BRAD. DONT GO.”

Maybe seven or so phone calls.

Did he realize he just lost his best chance at survival? If so, what spurned it? Did he go downstairs and see that the entire room full of medical equipment, of which he had so stupidly said in passing, “Hey man maybe we could sells some of this to the hospital,” was completely vanished.

And all he had was two vials of expired lidocaine.

But it’s ok. His neighbors would save him. The one with the chronic anal fistula, the blind Vietnam vet. They would save him. He doesn’t need to grow a garden because the neighbors started one. He doesn’t need to buy a scope, or a rangefinder, or deer corn, because the neighbors have it.

He started calling me, “Wild Card,” as a way to make fun of me for suddenly leaving.

I actually had planned out leaving for a week. Not quite a wild card. But expected events are unexpected to the ignorant.

Four hours later, as I stand on a blue piece of tape marked six feet from another blue piece of tape, Will at the gun counter seems a bit unsettled. He started our customer interaction by telling me I could clean by hands with the wipes over there. I did not. At one point, he grasped the pistol with a white-gloved hand and jutted it out towards me - “Look the pistol over and then we will put it back in the box.”

“No, I’m good,” I said. He looked me in the eye with disappointment.

Before COVID hit, I have a feeling customers actually liked to hold firearms before buying them.

“They don’t make a gun that doesn’t shoot,” I said.

After he placed it back in the box, he directed me to fill out the ATF digital form on a tablet. I expect he may have noticed I looked antsy. Little did he know the thoughts racing through my head - “Am I sacrificing $40,000 for a $500 gun?”

My car was down to 2% battery life since I had driven so fast to East State trying to get one of their last three Glock 19s. A message had popped up on the screen saying, “Charge now. Car will suffer irreparable damage if you do not charge.”

Finally, after standing for 10, 20 minutes, I spoke up.

“Will, I need to go give my father his insulin shot at 2. If the background check takes up to 30 minutes, can I come back?”

After charging and racing back to the sporting goods store, I realized the line outside had grown to probably a 30 minute wait of 15-foot spaced individuals and families standing awkwardly on blue lines.

The lady screaming at people in line wouldn’t send my message to the gun counter that I was back in line. In fears they would give my gun to someone else, I snuck around the corner and call the store from my phone. I peeked around the corner and noticed the same line-keeper pick up her phone.

“Can I please speak to Will at the gun counter?”

“I’ll put you right through,” she responded.

“Hi Will. This is Marshall Nabrit. I just wanted to let you know I’m back in line.”

“Will you’ve been delayed.”

“No, I’m not delayed, I’m in line.”

“No, listen. Your application for a firearm has been delayed. It could take 1-3 days for it to be approved.”

“Umm……”

“What do you want to do Marshall.”

“Ummm….. 1-3 days. I guess, um, I guess I won’t take it.”

Oh fuck. I drove four five hours and didn’t get what I wanted. Fuck. Fuck.

First I called Brad. He said he could call an ATF agent on Monday to see why I was delayed, but he expected it was something minor. I mentioned that my identity had been stolen a few years ago. He thought that was probably it.

Then I called my dad.

I hadn’t wanted to tell him I was in his state.

We discussed the handguns he has. He volunteered to give me his Glock 19.

“Dad I cannot, in good conscience, take away your best pistol from you. I would not be a good son if I did that going into this situation.”

Finally, he agreed to accept $500 in cash for it.

The problem was, he volunteered to meet me 30 minutes from my house. He seemed to think it would be a five hour drive for me, so I agreed we would meet. I would see him, see Budzo for a minute, and grab the pistol.

But then after hanging up, I ran the numbers and it looked like an 8 hour drive with charging stops.

My mind circled. Would this be the last time I would ever see my dad? How bad did I need the gun? Wouldn’t it be nice to send a video of me and Budzo to Belle. Wouldn’t that cheer her up with how stressed she is?

I reached in my pocket, and felt it there. My coin from Africa.

Even when the coin is deciding, I still have to choose heads or tails.

Moments later, I was crafting a message to my dad.

“Hey dad, it looks like it would be a 15 hour round trip for me. I have to get back to the Big City, because they’re thinking of quarantining it.”

His response was simple. “Ok, I understand.”

Hours later I was in Memphis. I drove up to what looked like a nightmare of a hotel, with yellow crime tape over the front door. In the reception area my voice was calm and steady as the attendants told me, “I can’t check you in, since our power is off. We hope it will come back soon.”

It didn’t. It didn’t come back on after 30 minutes, or an hour.

On the phone with some guy paid $12 an hour to take calls in the middle of the night for Priceline, I could hear his kids playing in the background.

It was their policy, he said, that they “have to confirm with the hotel that they are unable to check you in.”

And when he couldn’t confirm, he couldn’t refund me or get me another hotel.

I guess they would just swallow my money and leave me to sleep in my car. I guess so.

I don’t really have a tipping point, honestly. Or if I do, I’ve lived half of the last 10 years past my tipping point, so it doesn’t even matter.

But I do like to yell.

“Simon, HOW CAN YOU CONFIRM WITH THE HOTEL WHEN THEIR FUCKING POWER IS OFF AND PHONES AREN’T WORKING. ARE YOU GOING TO REFUND ME OR GIVE ME A DIFFERENT HOTEL????”

They were going to do neither. They were going to fuck me instead.

“SIMON, IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND. DOES SHE HAVE ELECTRICITY TONIGHT? THEN I GUESS YOU AND HER DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL, DO YOU?”

I finished up the conversation with a sweet fuck you and fuck your daughter.

Tipping point.

I’m headed back to the Big City in a few minutes. Not sure if I’ll eat or not. I’ve lost 30 pounds in the last six months. My BMI is just bordering anorexia.

Money for guns, money for food. Money for rent went out the window a long time ago.

Fuck you and fuck your daughter

I’m playing out scenes in my head, scenarios. How I would rob an ambulance at gunpoint to take their oxygen equipment. They would probably be surprised I didn’t want to steal the narcotics.

Brad sounds stressed in his tone when I talk to him. Have I divided his family? Butting heads with Surgeon, have I fucked my own chance at an ally?

Fuck you and fuck your daughter…

My attitude isn’t good. My mindset isn’t good. To survive you have to be smart. You can’t do it all alone.

But I never wanted to survive in this life, even when things were good.

I’ve always wanted to die.

But I want to die the way I want to die. And it’s not in this hellhole they call America.

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