#I am going to make it through the winter
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we are nearer to spring than we were in september we are nearer to spring than we were in september we are nearer to spring than we were in september we are nearer to spring than we were in september we are nearer to spring than we were in september we are nearer to spring
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"You two are dancing in a snowglobe 'round and 'round"
i finished this within half a day. and that's not usually possible for me. kinda insane ngl
#i'm worried for myself#anyway christmas eve was pretty good :D#deli if you're reading this. this is part of what i was talking about!!#MAN I WAS PLANNING TO MAKE THE HEIGHT DIFF ACCURATE#but it's okay. at least forehead kiss height <3#i am. not good with backgrounds.#if i look at the drawing longer i will start going crazy#so let's talk about what was going through my head#..... that exact lyric. dancing during winter#i cannot explain how much i struggled with the hands#OH WHILE THINKING OF DRAWING THIS I ALSO THOUGHT...#'AND THERE WE ARE AGAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WE'RE DANCING ROUND THE KITCHEN IN THE REFRIGERATOR LIGHT'#not as accurate but it's still dancing yk#have you noticed that i have not rendered recently.#yeah. yeah if i rendered i'd take at least a week longer#they should ki— *gets dragged away*#the winter and holiday season is making me get too soft#too many fluffy ideas.#dude no the other day i even wrote something. it was short but i wrote!!#wait... I WROTE TWICE WHOAAA#can you tell i haven't written in a while#on an unrelated note i played christmas evel AND RIGHT WHEN IT WAS 12. FELIX SAID FELIZ NAVIDAD!!!!#i have a recording i'm so proud#anyway yeah i think that's it. ignoring some miiiinor stuff i really like this drawing#☆ taruchi's drawings 🖌#☆ 💙#twisted wonderland#azul ashengrotto#twst oc
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#is like reverse seasonal depression a thing bc i feel so much better in winter vs summer#anyway in bad (?) news#i am so lonely oh my god#please i need friends#been scrolling through pinterest for too long all of the pics of couples are making me so sad#it's even worse bc ik that no one sees me as a boy#like i'll never have a pinterest relationship#idk just bad dysphoria day ig#saw someone post on tt earlier saying no one is obligated to love you and that means you might never find it and that makes me so so sad#i just need someone ig#i keep going back to that mentor figure#and i read about lou sullivan a few days ago#his story makes me so sad#it's kind of like looking in a mirror#'they said i would never live as a gay man but it seems i will die as one'#still gives me chills#aesthetic#moodboard#mood board#aesthetic moodboard#messy layouts#aestheitcs#messy icons#icons
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#flatmate moving out sooner rather than later and I'm mildly spiralling about it#to be clear: this is a probably good decision for her. she has to move bc i'm selling the house and i'm glad she's found somewhere that#feels like a good option for her. i think she is probably making a good call#BUT it's still 2-3 months till i leave and...#i was really struggling last time i lived alone and i was really struggling last winter#and the idea of going into winter living alone again is quite scary#i know this time it is time limited#but one of the things is: this house doesn't feel like a home if i am the only one in t#i rattle around a bit#and i have been delaying doing anything that makes it not feel like a home#(the big picture decluttering etc)#so while i know i will get through it... i am not looking forward to it#pray?
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hello !! i hope you are well !! ive been curious about something for a tiny bit now, with works like Love Punch that you don’t have quite the same spark for, how does it feel immediately after uploading a chapter? is it like submitting homework? do you feel more energized or tired? do you wait for comments or just put everything down and go do something else?
I was just talking about this with a friend. I don't think uploading any piece of work feels like submitting homework. It's always exhilarating to put something out there that you've worked hard on. I think....it's not as fun to work on something that you don't have quite the same spark for, but the act of sharing it always going to be really fun for me. I know that my readers have to wait months between updates so the first flood of "I was so excited to read this after work!" or "I can't believe this updated!" comments is always so heartwarming. Just because I don't enjoy writing it as much as I used to, my initial feelings toward the reception of it is always going to be very positive.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a writer who isn't anxiously checking their in-box for new comments to see how someone receives something they've worked so hard on. That being said, I absolutely dread getting new comments on OLD chapters. I feel like the patience I had with bad takes or "update when?" (which was nearly non-existence already lol) now makes me occasionally considering comment locking it until it updates. I don't care what people have to say on them anymore unless what they have to say is interesting or thoughtful. I also mostly get the same "this was so good. update this immediately." and it drives me up the wall + makes me want to work on it less. Seriously. If you want someone to do the opposite of what you want, comment ‘update when’ and see what happens.
Here's the thing though - positive attention is a drug like nothing else. It doesn't matter where it comes from or how you get it, if I worked hard on something that I think is good and people are engaging with it I'm pretty happy no matter how much of a spark I have. The actual process of writing is significantly more difficult now that I have less interest (it is very hard to write a romance when you're like I don't know if these people should be together. actually - uh - ) and it does feel like the boulder I have chained myself to until I roll it up fourteen more hills but -
The day I upload is always going to be serotonin city. I prepared this stupidly difficult and purposefully delicious meal for you I am so excited to hear how much you enjoyed it.
#mailbox#love-punch#all that said. writing is hard and difficult and I sink a lot more thought and time than anyone realizes into these chapters#I think sometimes people wonder why attention doesn't motivate me to update. attention is awesome but it doesn't make writing...easier....?#I'm also never going to serve something I think is mediocre. that's against my beliefs (re-reading my work and thinking its awesome)#so unless it's awesome. I am not uploading it. and I don't care how many comments I would get on something mid but quickly written#interesting question for sure! I can see why you'd think that but attention RULES and I worked HARD so I want to know what people think!#also I get to see old commenters and shit. it's again. the writing that is waaaayyy less fun#truly a slog the whole damn way. but the editing is fun and the uploading is too and I like re-reading them so#that's what gets me through the winters
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This is a memory
So the lyrics on it kinda just wanted to put something there-- I also posting this for myself mostly
#There is this moment that I thought about#and for some reason its one of my favorite moments that always makes me feel warm and nostalgic#It was this one time I was planing to stay over at one of my friends hous.#It was winter and we needed to leave the dorms early since kids were going to stay in our rooms and they needed to clean them up#It was an extremely cold morning and I had to walk to their house with my luggage that was pretty heavy-#it was really shit- counting in the fact that I was only able to get 2 hours of sleep in for some reason I dont remember-#and I remembered that I got to their house around 8 am and my friend let me in#but she's not really the morning person so they were also really out of it#and I was freezing and inside it was good yes but#then we went back into her room and she suggested we go back to sleep and we did that#and so this friend and I are cuddling a lot#whenever we are together we're really cuddly and affectionate in school too#even some of the people outside of our class thought we were dating- (which we never will)#and obviously this time too#and we actually have the same blanket that is grey and has white stars on it#which let through the outside lights unlike the grey fluffy fabric#And i'm a relatively small person with my 5'2 for height#and they hugged me so that I was snuggled up below their head above their chest and I pulled my legs up to my chest to be even smaller#and she draped the blanket on us in a way that my head was under the blanket#and I could see the white stars letting through the warm cozy sunlight that the shutters on her window above the bed barely let in#and everything smells so nice and warm and my still cold body was starting to feel#this comfortable nice bedsheet warmth along with the other person's body heat and god I fell asleep so quickly#Both of us did and so our other friend couldn't reach us#and had to walk around for (if I remember correctly) half an hour before we woke up and let him in#clowning ∆#Spotify
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Okay okay so. Thinking.
I've mapped out how I want to pay off my credit cards, which means I'll only be getting new stuff pretty sporadically, which means I need to appreciate the zero cost things in my life, like:
- the 2.5 foot tall stack of unread books I have
- the violin I might finally actually pick up again
- the 500+ drawing prompts I've been hoarding
- the list of anime I still need to watch
- the 3000+ songs in my watch later playlist
- the stickers I've been neglecting to cut
- yarn??? I have a lot of yarn
- all the pink fabric leftover from moth cosplay
- the candles and incense I also already have
In short, time to actually use the stuff that I have 😭
#though. i do want one more candle. they're putting minty smells in the winter ones and it smells cold#i need a cold smelling candle that is warm and on fire i just need that very strange contrast#but yeah!! will spend a little testing out acrylic charms but for the most part#we're gonna hang out at home for a while and express gratitude or whatever lmao#okay but i think it will actually be nice to start getting through all those books skjfkdkd#and to watch the bigger name anime to actually see them lmao; saw a lot at the con i recognized but hadn't actually watched#and also my music!! all my music bc i am clinically insane about music; miku playlist advancement...#this isn't even touching on the games i have now ksjfkf if either of you are reading this 👀 i still wanna get yall something#and I'm planning the exact day i wanna do it 😤#but yeah I'm thinking it over and am like. oh boy time for self improvement skjdkfkf#also finances will get easier bc im not ubering all over and I'm not seeing docs for my stomach now that the ulcer has been resolved#i made back half of what i spent getting the car in only 4 months and that feels good to see#it's still gonna be some hard work but we're gonna make it; I'm also highballing one of the cards#the hotel put a damages hold on my card and my math factors that in; they said that money would go back to me in 5 or so#business days so that'll be a little less to be concerned with; I'll still try to pay what numbers i found though#do it faster and do it better and idk what the fuck I'll do with the cards bc. 30% apr...........#idk i could get groceries with them and then pay them off? take that credit score you'll just eat that shit up won't you..#surprisingly my credit score hasn't taken any super ugly hits from this and i aim to keep it that way lmao#anyways. that's a lot of words to say that i want to actually use my stuff lmao#shai speaks
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thinking abt shiro again...yeah no it's gonna be all day...
#im getting ready for work rn so idk how coherent i am but MAN. character of all time.#he dedicated his life to studying the stars and longing to explore them. he gets caught up in a 10 thousand year old war when he does#and is imprisoned and tortured and mutilated and made to kill for others' entertainment for a YEAR.#not knowing where either of his crewmates are. not knowing if theyre even alive. not knowing if he'll ever see home or family again.#then he manages to escape. against all odds. and he makes it back home to earth.#only to be betrayed by the very people he thought he could trust. locked up and ignored when he tried to warn them about what's coming.#he escapes from them too (sees his brother again after so so long...is he even the same person anymore...are either of them...)#before getting launched BACK into space and joining the war on the front lines. fighting the ppl who tortured and maimed him face to face.#AND his entire team is made up of KIDS. IN A WAR. and so he tries soo hard to be strong for them because god theyre just kids..#AND THROUGHOUT ALL OF THIS. DESPITE BEING MOLDED INTO A WEAPON AND LITERALLY HAVING PIECES OF HIMSELF STOLEN AND TWISTED INTO SOMETHING EVIL#HE'S STILL GOOD AND KIND AND GENTLE AND SUPPORTIVE AND HE MAKES GOOFY JOKES AND HE DOESNT KILL UNLESS HE HAS TO#ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE BUCKLED UNDER THE PRESSURE OF ALL THAT#BUT AT HIS CORE HE'S SO KIND. AND SO HE WAS ABLE TO GO THROUGH HELL AND MAKE IT THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE#WITH HIS KINDNESS INTACT.#crying screaming throwing up punching the wall#thinking ALWAYS about that fic where his bayard form is a SHIELD...because he's not a weapon he's a Protector......auughhhh#society if i was in charge of these characters fr.#winter speaks#voltron#shiro
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playing pokemon black... started tearing up at skyarrow bridge
#THE SKYARROW BRIDGE THEME MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL BUT IM NOT EVEN SURE WHY?????#POKEMKN MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL AND I DO KNOW WHY!!!!!#god i wish i could have played it growing up... i have a ds but no actual cartridge and pokemon gamws sell for crazy amounts#i want to olay it on the ds for the full experience#one of my goals in life is to have my own copies of pokemon bw and platinum...#pokemon makes me cry. i love pokemon i love running around collectijg friends and battling cool people#idk i think 7 year old me tjougjt it was so cool how adults in games were so much kinder and cooler tjan real life adults#imagine being a gym leader and archeologist?!?!?!! a member od the elite four who fucking. shoots a guy w hyper beam point blank#i love lance hes insane#IMAGINE BEING CHAMPION OF HOENN! BEING HEIR TO THE LARGEST COMPANY IN HOENN! AND BEING A ROCK ENTHUSIAST WHO CAN SPEND HIS DAYS TRAVELLIMG T#HE WORLD LOOKING FOR RARE STONES!!! STEVEN STONE IS LIVING THE LIFE I WANT#but also i get so sad bc. when i first got into pokemon i was several years younger than the protags#when i first watched pokeani i was younger than ash!!!!! and now i am old :(#never going to br able to go back to spending summer vacation curled up at home going through 7 volumes of pokespe a day...#never goijg to be able to waych anipoke during winter break under a pillow fort again...#never goijg to be ahle to experience listening to n's farewell and the striaton city theme and skyarrow bridge theme and eterna forest and#littleroot town and nimbasa city and cianwood city and#so many other pieces for the first time again#rambling finished i guess first days of class make me cranky and sad#going ti go back to playijg pokemon black again...going to walk around castelia city and scream#rambling about stuff#rambling about pokemon
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If I have to wake up to an alarm on a cloudy day one more time I'm not going to make it
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Work is on fire, so close to finishing the current work and now the old work has broken, however: I get to work with the old boss again. Fuck but I missed her
She comes in, tells me the horrible news, I start cussing, she starts laughing, and then we both get to work, immediately and without needing to discuss what we’re doing, while both continuing to cuss and laugh. Fuck but I missed her
#yapping tag#IT is working away diligently at the requests I've made and the data structure stuff is at a good holding point#so of course it's time for the old ESL institute to need me back again! in December we hired in a new lady to replace me there#and now she is /hospitalized from the stress of the position/ thank you I will be screaming now#not even two months! the school was closed for Winter Break for half that time!#/hospitalized from the stress of the position/ I am going to eat my own feet I am going to peel my own face I am going to /cry/#she didn't make it through one graduation! she didn't do any of the scheduling for the new session! she didn't even get trained on /how/#HOSpitalized from the STRESS of the poSITION I am going to screeeeeeeeeam#anyway it's Tuesday and I have until 9:00am Friday to do everything this woman was supposed to have done since last Thursday#and oh yes of course also I /still have my own new job to do in the meantime/ I am going to BITE SOMEONE#(not her not her I'm angry but I'm not angry /at her/ I'm not going to take it out on her it's not her fault the job is a nightmare#I will continue to repeat this to myself until I remember it /I am not angry at her/ aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh)#good news though I have been confirmed a plot at the community garden so the Good Boss and I can talk about gardening while we#you know. put out unlimited unceasing and overlapping fires
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with the power of wrestling and faggotry, i shall overcome this
#this being the fatphobia and cruelty of my parents fjfkdl#by god i will not let this put me back into ED and i CERTAINLY will not let it take my art away from me#i am making myself draw a healthy guz tonight djdksl pushing thru it with the power of wrestling and faggotry motivating me 😤💪💪‼️‼️#(and by healthy i mean he has fat on him and isn't dehydrated. he is surviving the winter !!!!!)#i will push thru the uncontrollable shaking and crying fhfkdl i am tired of not being able to draw what i want to !!!#maybe if i just push thru it then I'll be out on the other side of it (god i hope this doesnt make it worse BDJDJSL) and be over it#MAN THEY RLY DID A NUMBER ON ME THOUGH WHAT THE HELL MAN. this isn't even the worst they've ever said in my vicinity#but its the worst in terms of the subject matter !!! that i can remember anyways fjfkdl#RAAAUGHH i hate that they can get into my head like this fjfkl (it is Terrifying tbh but im not gonna get into all that)#OKAY TAG RANT OVER TIME TO GO POWER THROUGH THIS AND DRAW MY MAN W THE POWER OF WRESTLING PHOTOS AND BEING GAY FUELING ME#dandyshucks
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nooooo dont find omens in the otherwise explainable, you're so sexy ahahahaaa
#IM THE SPIDER!!! IN THE JAR!!! FUCK!!!!!#like I Get It but im not gonna do anything about it!! thus! spider!!!!#FUCK!!! i hear u i see u but i am choosing to look away. but i do see it. i Know!!!#i am making a Choice right now and that choice is to sit on my hands!!!!#we are NAWWWT making it through the winter if this is already happening dear fucking god i need something for this all#maybe i will confide in the counselor but i dont want to go to psych ward again sbdhfkdl i Can't Actually#because now im in charge of making sure mum doesnt fucking die while dad's at work#so if i end up in psych ward then nobody will be home to make sure mum doesnt just collapse or something fhfkfl#but i Need help fhfjsl fuck!! i hate how it all overlaps!!! i come last though so I'll figure it out#if u are seeing this do not worry about it but i will maybe tag these types of posts w smth so i dont accidentally set anyone else off#i would start journaling again instead of posting here but that quickly spirals into ''keeping notes hidden away from everyone''#which is uhm. well it feeds into everything#so i am unfortunately stuck posting here for now sorry everyone fhfkdl pls lmk if u need anything tagged and i will absolutely accommodate!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#paranoia tw#delusion tw#idk !!! idk what this is !! i am not diagnosed with anything that can give me language for this !!!#but i figure maybe those will cover the bases hopefully!!
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#idk#my mom says I’m like an oracle sometimes#that I see things and they become#and really idk about the truth of all that. I fear rather I am delusional and somehow good at guessing ? idk#but sometimes it truley does feel the lord spends time in my head#he doesn’t whisper to me so much as thoughts come about things and it’s like he says them#I suppose I shouldn’t say he. but it’s close to there so I’ll continue#he told me though dreams when I was little about the house problem#he’s told me of when bad winters will come#he’s told me of wildfires before they start and where they’ll go#sometimes it feel like he watched the phone through my eyes#observes the world with me#and he tells me the things he does not like#but mostly it’s him seeing videos of landscapes. creatures. humans reinventing themselves#and he tells me that he made this . he made these#he’s proud of them#but idk#I sound kinda delusional#but that’s ok I think because I’m not making descisipns or actions off of it or doing anything that hurts anyone or myself#so it’s ok#I don’t think I’d call myself an oracle#I don’t think I’d call myself a prophet either#both of those words are too. much for what this is#I do not hear enough for it to be either of those words#I need a lesser word than these#I just get dreams that tell me about things beofre they happen#I still dream about that fire and the houses in 2033#I don’t know what that’s going to be#I still don’t quite understand those dreams#but it’s going to happen
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tonight is my last night sleeping in my bed. possibly for the rest of my life. and my last time in my room possibly for the rest of my life. and i want to just get a good night’s sleep to be ready for a long day tomorrow but it’s really not working out like that.
#my family is still up in the air maybe selling this house within the next month#in which case i will never be in this room ever again. otherwise i will be back for the holidays so there’s still a month of this bedroom#if we sell the house in the spring instead (only rational option there’s no way we can empty it in time)#especially since i will not be in this house whatsoever until after that sell date. my mom all by herself can’t empty it all#anyway i’m struggling a bit. saying goodbye to my home of 14 years????#i’ve been through a lot in this place and most of it is bad memories but like. every good memory i have is from here too….#and everyone i know irl is staying local i’m the only one who’s leaving. one irl friend is going to the same school as me but we had a fight#within the past month and i don’t think we’re ever going to recover because she just kind of never treated me like a person#so i’m starting from scratch and it’s really.. like fuck i want to get out of here but i’m also not at all ready to actually leave#i’m just going to miss all the stupid little things so much. even my online memories are tied to this place#like the woods down the street where my deer friends live and the ditch i fell into back in the day and all the places i’ve gotten lost#and they’ll be right here waiting for me and i’m SO excited for college i am but why does it have to feel so sudden????#i dont know how anyone does it.. and all my friends are going to colleges in their hometown so i don’t even have anyone to compare with#i found out today that if we keep the house through the winter my mom is planning on using my room as a guest room and office. and of course#that makes sense and everything but now i have the most crushing guilt for not cleaning it up well enough. i thought it would be okay and#i’d just have to deal with it when i come back and i didn’t know she wanted to use it and she’s going to box up all of my things without me#and i feel guilty that i didn’t do that and i feel scared and upset because it’s my things and my room i don’t want it to change#i’m just really anxious and sad and scared and i don’t know what to do. school is going to be good but none of this feels real or normal#and i just feel sick and scared and i don’t know what to do. waking up at 8am and leaving at 9am and moving in at 2pm and that will be it#my mom and sister are staying for a couple days and that will be good i hope. i dont know i feel so conflicted about everything#and i’m tired and sick and angry and overwhelmed and i just want to take a week off and come back alive again#and i guess that’s what i’m about to do.. after i move in there’s eight days before college starts and all i’ll be doing is moving in#(and welcome week activities. and a lot of sleeping. but hopefully i’m gonna get a rollator through a loan program and that will help a lot)#anyway here’s what’s going on. i’m going to maybe try to sleep i guess. but if anyone has advice or encouragement about moving to college..#now is the time i really need it. it’s just so strange and conflicted and everyone i know has been telling me i just need to get out of here#and myself included i really want to get out of here. but how can i start anew when everyone i’ve loved is shattered. and what have you#think i have to listen to that song for long enough to remember how badly i want to leave….#i’m just really not feeling well. i’m angry that i never got to have the childhood i deserved#because now i’m leaving and that means it’s officially over…. i’m just really not feeling well. i think i’m running out of tags….#i hope you all are well. i’ll be around in the morning maybe.. i’m not sure. hope everyone has a good night
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i'm on the second episode of the winter king (finally) and okay I can hear stuart's accent shifting but honestly? i don't mind it. as someone whose accent constantly goes everywhere because of how i grew up, i kinda like that the orphan saxon boy whose first language wasn't the one he now has to speak doesn't keep his accent straight. adds flavour
#twk#it makes sense to me#i mean it might get worse in the next eps who knows idk#i literally stopped speaking earlier because i said 'hungry' in too scottish a way#and then i repeated it about five times until i got a flatter english sound#i have no idea who i am any more lol i go through at least 3 dialects every sentence i speak#the winter king#tagging for my own organising i'm not in the fandom
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