#I am rambling about a cis white man lmfao

[yoongiblunt]

My toxic trait is that I am endlessly weak to this one skinny white man.

I’ve liked him for almost as long as I’ve worked at my job, but it’s been in various waves.

A friend of mine expressed interest in him though and I am the most noncommittal, I will ruin that boy, I can’t stand intimacy dirt bag on the planet and I just wanted someone to make him happy tbh. Cause I would def make him a worse alcoholic bc my own substance abuse issues would become his, and he has enough to worry about.

She’s also one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever known. I think that if she wants to have at him, she can.

But then she got a boyfriend and I thought it was cool to start talking to him again bc she wasn’t.

At some point her and her bf broke up— when, I’m not sure bc she was even talking about playing step mom to that other guys kid. Like, I thought I wasn’t infringing on anything.

So him and I have some various ups and downs in that, mostly him just being very caught up in his sexuality. He has been open about being a little gay. He has also been a “I wish you would stop avoiding my eyes when we work together. When you won’t look at me it hurts me” ass dude. I hate him lmao.

At my birthday party him and I got really drunk on my friends couch and things got kinda serious in terms of him like, wanting to talk about identity and sexuality and shit. All the yellow tape that comes w knowing me.

Next thing I know we are working together and talking nonstop about our feelings and I get him high w me and we talk more about our feelings and then suddenly those two are talking.

Suddenly she isn’t talking to me.

Suddenly she IS talking to me and it’s apologies for being with him when she ‘knew there were feelings there’. I just told her it was chill and that I cared more about her than a guy, which will always be true.

The three of us are really working on being better to each other. Yesterday she drove me to work. I still get butterflies when I talk to her boyfriend but I keep it normal. I only talk music and video games with him. Yesterday he was doing shots with me and we were talking about elder scrolls because I was on some ‘I’ve heard tell of this “shot” you speak of’ bullshit at the bar and it had him laughing. Men can be bros after flirting with each other for 6 months straight. I’m determined I can be his friend and nothing more because honestly not having him as a fixture in my life would ruin everything. He’s someone I respect and think highly of as a person and as a musician.

Then last night we were both trashed and I invited him to come sit and have a cigarette while we watched the band play— he was doing sound. So it’s just two jessie pinkman ass dudes mumbling to one another, shoulder to shoulder, about sound and he’s getting anxious that the levels are off and I’m like dude where’s ur board go tinker. He says it’s too far away from us he doesn’t want to move but he wants me to listen. Tbh I think the levels were fine and the drummer was just blasting to do it. I see his gf walking nearby and invite her to sit with us, but she doesn’t hear me. I had wanted her to take my spot, just to b cool, bc our knees are touching and we are leaning into each others ears to hear one another and I didn’t want it to look like we are being any kind of way.

He tells me not to move and that he is his own person. It’s around then that she gives me a look, and I can read it easily. I need to back off, and I don’t mind. I know boundaries, so I lean away from him and say I need to go get another shot.

I come back and our friend Jamarion is slumpt out on the table, too drunk and percd out. Im not letting this kid get sick like that so I get him a water and tho I’m off the clock hit the managers office to get one of his friends to come pick him up cause none of the immediate people are good to drive.

Manager Caleb comes up and asked what I’m doing, he’s chill and loves all of us and just wants us to b safe. Man smokes weed w me in the dumpster daily. He heads out to Jay and is tryna help him and my guy gets all weird like you shouldn’t have told Caleb????

I have to calm him down cause he’s like, upset that I got Caleb to help Jay, as if that even really matters. Jay is not trippin we get him inside and my friend Fay says that they can get him home when we leave. Fay and I go everywhere together. So we leave Jay in the inside bar w the other kitchen guys and Caleb and go back out to the deck to listen to music.

Cam and I sit next to each other, his hand will brush mine from time to time, and I will forever be too weak to him in that way because I do miss when he would come up behind me and ruffle my hair and ask me to smoke a spliff w him in his truck and we would talk about kissing but never do it because we were both too straight to do that.

I miss having a gay torrid romance, but never enough to hurt my friend or infringe. I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her to death and took Jay home. I spent the rest of the night being emo and playing guitar and talking about him.

Tbh I hate it here.