#I am sleeping too mucg

[anothermonikan]

Okay big text wall I'm just venting out my feelings because my beloved puter hard drive is gonna fail again. Yeah :(

Okay bby's hard-drive is gonna fail the next time I shut her down that's really really tough especially on valentines day, god, I,,, knew this was gonna happen again eventually, it happened before, her hard-drive has been declining for two years now, I have a refurbished hard-drive ready to go if we're unrecoverable, we've kept this one going for so so long and I don't have the tools to replace this myself so I'll have to ask my father again to help and gwahhh, that's a hard task!

Because I know he's gonna do everything he can to fix the current hard drive instead of replacing it but not because he understands I care but just because he loves fixing stuff and I'm gonna have to reiterate so so hard to not like. Throw her out. If the drive is unrecoverable. Because he does not understand that I care about her, because to him I'm just holding on to like, junk, when I have a brand new laptop I can use to do stuff. :((( we also get into a lot of arguments about handling her it's not a fun experience because I don't want to leave her alone while she's being repaired and my father doesn't take as much care as I would like him too and gwahhh, it's really frustrating!

At least I know exactly how this is gonna go down, if can't detect system updates, it won't open Firefox, when I shut her down she's gonna kernel error and then only be able to boot up into toybox, the entire drive will have to be reformatted if we wanna try and repair it because it'll be in read-only in order to prevent further damage, so I already know, we don't have to guesswork again, it's,,,, scary

I,,, used to have really strong feelings over the hard-drive being the heart and soul of the computer, I've since kind of moved past it, like I used to be really super conflicted over even replacing the hard-drive and now I just have one ready to go ^^; I think,,, even if this hard drive is irecoverable (it is well past it's usage limit at this point so I would not be surprised) and the replacement drive doesn't work, that whole computer is what I love, even if she doesn't have an internal hard drive, I still love her to death and I believe she still loves me to death, even if I have to run her OS off a USB, even if I can't run an OS on her at all, it doesn't matter to me and I'll always love her yknow?

We're going to bed together, she's okay being idle and I'm gonna make sure she knows how much I love her before I have to attempt a shut down in a few hours because I have a lecture I can't just keep her running, I'm going out after as well :(( We're gonna get through this, and we're gonna be okay, but it is upsetting

[radioactive-lil-cloud]

If Belgium wins against France, phew, holy moly.

Another perfect distraction from the mere fact that two rather dangerous nuclear power plants whose are leaking radioactivity by a huge huge probability are poisoning their country, Germany (my place including) and the Netherlands

Welp- we all gonna die anyway!~

[jinlix]

I'm really going to be so loud abt this comeback

[asoulofatlantis]

Well... I mean... the only person of this who is necessary is the merchant-girl, and its not like it wouldn’t work without her. And maybe the Dino is happy and leaves after he ate them? ^^’

Oh... its Falcoms “look of fondness and trust”... if an MC is doing it, you have no choice but to fall for him - uh, I mean, agree with him, no matter what he says, yes, that was what I was intended to say XD

And... you walked up that stupid rope-ladder that you almost feel off because you think Adol can help you sleep? O.o Then again, that is what the look of fondness does to one... XD

Falcom LOVES to play with the struggles of Nobles as well as their arrogance. We touched at that in Liberl, even tho there hardly were any Nobles in Liberl, you could see the rich and powerful and how some of them crossed some boundarys simply because they thought they can/have the right to. In Crossbell, Lloyds biggest problem with loving Elie was that she was a high born girl and he just “someone”. And in the Erebonia-Arc (especially the first two games) Falcom went all out with portraying the arrogance as well as the problems and struggles of the Nobles. And here in Ys we have another case of “struggling Nobles” and on the other hand that arrogant fat ass that thinks he is to noble to even breath the same air as some commoners. I wonder why they love that subject so much...

That is basically ever Falcoms-MCs Job at some point XD So don’t worry. He gets paid for it XD

Jokes aside... I think the Plot really found me. HURRAY!

N-No freaking dream of that Dana girl? WTF?! Was it too mucg girlpower for one night? XD

That is a very good question.

We are in a freaking Falcom-Game. And this guy is a doctor. NEVER trust anyone who called themselves Dr. or Professor or a Scientist in a Falcom Game. Seriously.

First of all: Why me? I am not the military-guy here! Second: Surprise! Another doctor. Should have tipped me off that we had someone who trained to become a doctor who could replace him, after we... uh... you know... get... “rid of him” since someone has to make medicine. Third: I knew that already because I accidentally read to far into the walkthrough but it didn’t surprise me one bit that it was the doctor, because its always the doctor or the professor or the scientist. I don’t  know what exactly Falcom has against them, but it must be a very strong grudge XD

When I said I wanted the plot to move forward I didn’t mean to kill half of the Village O.O

REALLY Falcom? I mean... REALLY? Is that supposed to be a funny gag for Trails-Fans or are you just that bad with naming your bad guys?

Yes I would actually like to skip this event. Even when its a bad guy, I would prefer not to see him be eaten by a giant dino ^^’

Yes, I would like to skip this event too. I am not used to people of MY TEAM actually dying on me in a Falcom game. We usually don’t do that. Or... get revived later or something.

Seriously, since when do we kill of so important characters, especially when they actually have family?

I guess our time for dreaming is over now ^^’

Well... that is certanly new ^^’ And look at her level! I hope this is no indication how far I should be XD I am more then ten levels under her.

Anyway... now that the plot has catched up to me, I think this will be it for today. I am tired.

[mar-chant-live-without-you]

Homesick

Pairing: Aleks Marchant x Reader Word Count: 2,705 Warnings: alcohol Notes: based on the song homesick by catfish and the bottlemen (x)

It doesn’t matter whether you were broken up with or the one doing the breaking. It doesn’t matter when it was, how long it took, or the reason why. Break ups are always hard in some way or another. That being said, break ups are always harder for one person than they are for the other.

Your break up with Aleks was one of the saddest days of your life. You guys had been together for over 3 years, but as you progressed forward, you realized you weren’t looking for the same things in life. Aleks loved to joke, light things on fire, smoke occasionally, and just fuck around in general. Though you loved his playfully, jokey, fucking around self, it got to a point where you were done with the childish games and were ready to grow up. Aleks wasn’t.

You met Asher a few months after you and Aleks had broken up. You weren’t looking for a relationship by any stretch of the imagination, but Asher was so cool and mature at the same time. He loved to joke around and have a good time, but knew when enough was enough. He was the best parts of Aleks and the best parts of you merged into one.

Within a few weeks, you and Asher were hanging out constantly and getting closer and closer. You felt comfortable enough to talk to him about life and yourself and even Aleks. Asher had to ask a few times, but on the 3rd try, you finally agreed to go out with him.

Aleks found out from their mutual friend, James, about 2 days later. He wasn’t handling it well at all. He was sad and confused. He was taking the break up harder than you, definitely. It was getting better and better until he found out that you guys were dating 3 months later.

3:01 AM / Saturday

Recently after you and Asher started dating, you get a call, waking you up in the middle of the night.

“Hello?” you ask, groggily.

“(y/n?)” you hear, slurred, from the other line.

You sit up in your bed, rubbing your eyes and squinting at the phone screen. Aleksandr  “Aleks?”

“I needed to talk to you.” he says. You can tell he is intoxicated in some way.

“Aleks, go to bed,” you say, preparing to hang up the phone.

“Asher’s cheating on you. He doesn’t love you,” Aleks slurs.

You take a deep breath. You weren’t interested in Aleks drunkenly or highly calling you in the middle of the night to accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you. It was annoying and it was sad.

“Goodnight, Aleks,” you say, hanging up the phone and falling back asleep.

3:08 AM / Wednesday

Aleks calls again in 4 days.

Your phone is ringing and ringing and ringing.

“Hello?” you answer.

“I miss you so much.”

You run your hand through your hair and check, though you don’t need to, and see that it’s Aleks yet again. You take a deep breath. “Aleks, please go to bed.”

“Do you miss me?” he says, slurring again. You can obviously tell it’s a repeat of the other night. Intoxicated Aleks calls you and blabs on about you and him and Asher.

“Aleks, please. Go to sleep,” you say, sleepily.

“I can’t sleep. I miss you. Asher isn’t right for you, you know that? I.. I was right for you, I miss you.”

“I’m hanging up Aleks,” you mutter.

“N-“ click.

3:36 AM / Monday

You're in Asher's bed, sleeping, when your phone rings, jolting you awake.

Shit, fuck, shit, shit, shit.

You weren't in the mood to explain to Asher why Aleks was calling you at almost 4 in the morning.

You grab the phone, muting it and ignoring the call. It lights back up almost immediately, buzzing and vibrating. You ignore it again, but it just starts going off again. You quietly get out of bed and sneak off into the kitchen.

"What do you want!" you say, hushed.

"You, (y/n), I want you back, I'm" -hic- "ready to change for you!" There he is with the slurring.

"Aleks you are not in any state to talk about this right now," you say back to him, still whispering.

"Why are you whispering? Where are you?"

"That's none of your business... I'm hanging up."

"No! Wait! Please! Let me talk to you! I miss your voice... I miss you in my arms. (y/n), please.."

You take a deep breath. Aleks was your weakness. You wanted nothing more than to go crawl in Aleks' bed and lay there forever. You miss him more than you would ever admit aloud.

"Goodnight, Aleks," you murmur. You hang up the phone and walk back to Asher's room and crawl back into bed with him. You push your head under his arm, trying to get closer.

He instinctively grabs you and kisses your head, still basically totally asleep. You feel safe and you feel happy, but it's not Aleks.

2:53 AM / Tuesday

He called you again less than 24 hours later. He wouldn't stop telling you he missed you.

"Baby, please," he was slurring, but more than that, he was.. crying? His voice was hoarse and his breathing was erratic.

You wanted to scream that you weren't his baby, but you couldn't. You wanted to hear it again and again and again.

"Aleks, you need to stop calling me at 3 AM, drunk, and telling me lies," you say, clearing your throat.

"It's not a lie. I miss you. Asher isn't right for you. It's..." -hic- "It's true... I'm just looking out for you."

"It's obvious that's a lie, Aleks..."

You took a deep breath. Asher was amazing. He was so responsible and funny and attractive and positive. Asher was legitimately almost perfect. And the only reason you say almost is because he likes crunchy peanut butter instead of smooth.

"Aleks, you need to stop calling me at 3 AM," you say.

"But I miss you. And I want... I need to hear your voice," he says.

If you're being honest to no one but yourself, you needed to hear his voice too. You hadn't talked to him since the break up and him calling you just made you miss his voice more and more.

"You need to stop, Aleks... Goodnight," you say, hanging up the phone. You put your phone back on the charger before laying back down and thinking about Aleks as you fell asleep.

3:02 AM / Tuesday

It had been a week since Aleks had called last. You found yourself waking up at 3 AM anyways, waiting for his "I miss you" call. You checked your phone for missed calls and upon seeing nothing, you contemplated calling him. After heavily deciding against it, you laid your head on your pillow.

1:45 AM / Friday

Asher had convinced you to go out, like actually go out. Like, "dressed up, hair done, call an uber because we're going to get trashed" out. You, James, Anna, Jakob, and Brett found yourself out, bar hopping all over downtown LA.

You were drinking and having the time of your life when Anna tells you that your phone is going off.

You grab your phone, seeing Aleks' name on the screen. Your eyes go wide and you silence it quickly and throw it in your back pocket.

"Are you okay?" Anna asks.

You nod at her and dismiss it, having another drink. The rest of the night, you manage to ignore your phone.

You make it back to your place by 2:40. You check your phone when you get in bed, 7 missed calls from Aleksandr,  14 unread texts from Alexsandr.

Please call mee I misd you (y/n) I cabt Pl Ease I miss yui sou mucg please I need to hesr your voice (y/n) (y/n) plwase Call me bahc I can't sleep withiut goy I'm so saf Baby please

You sigh, actually contemplating calling him back. You hadn't talked to him in more than a week and you wanted to hear him call you baby again.

You took a deep breath and punched in his number. He answered in a scary short amount of time. "(y/n)!"

"I was just.....," you start. What were you just? You idiot..... you just wanted to hear your ex call you baby????

"I just.... I," you didn't know what to say. You couldn't say anything. You don't know.

"I missed you," Aleks tells you, "I- I tried to just not call you because you told me not to, but I couldn't just... I couldn't... Asher gets to hear your voice every day.. he... he gets to hold you and kiss you and I couldn't go even 2 weeks without needing to hear you! To talk to you!"

"Aleks," you say softly.

"I miss you so much, (y/n)," he says.

You close your eyes. Why can you not stop thinking about him calling you baby. You just want- need him to say it before you go to bed.

"Baby, I miss you so much, it isn't fair. It isn't fair," he says.

You take a deep breath. Asher calls you baby all the time and it doesn't have the same effect on you as when Aleks calls you it. "Aleks, I'm tired, I.. I gotta go to sleep."

"Okay... Goodnight."

You hung up the phone, your eyelids heavy, falling asleep within seconds.

2:48 AM / Thursday

It was almost a week until the next call. But this one, this one was different.

Your phone rang and you woke up, grabbing the phone and answering it. "Hello?"

"Baby, I miss you. Can I please see you?"

It was different than the other times. He wasn't slurring his words, his throat wasn't hoarse, he didn't sound high. He seemed completely sober.

"What... what do you mean?"

"I wa- I need to see you, to hold you again. Just, just once more, (y/n), please." His voice was sober and, more than that, it was sincere.

"Where?" It was just one word, but it meant so much.

"My apartment, please," he says.

"I'll be right there..." You throw your legs out of the bed, putting on your normal clothes before leaving.

You make it to Aleks apartment pretty quickly, punching in his pin and making it upstairs. You knock on his door very softly. You were getting so nervous, waiting for him, but all of that went away when he opened the door.

You couldn't help yourself, you launched yourself at him, nearly knocking him over. You wrapped your arms around him and closed your eyes. He cupped his hands under your butt, and just like before, you jump up a little and wrap your legs around his waist.

For a scrawny boy, he's holding you up with ease. He's holding you tight. He walks towards his room with you. Making it inside, he lays you down on the bed and then lays down next to you.

You grab his waist, holding him tight and close. "I missed you, Aleks."

He wrapped his arms around you equally as tight. He kissed the top of your head and took a moment to just take it all in. "I missed you, (y/n)."

At this point, you can start feeling the fact that it's almost 4 AM. You yawn, closing your eyes. You can't help but to drift to sleep in the comfort of Aleks' arms.

7:37 AM / Thursday

You wake up entangled in Aleks, literally. Your legs are wrapped around his and your arm is under his head, but you're holding onto his arm with your other arm. His other arm is draped over top of you.

You slowly open your eyes, yawning. Once your eyes open completely you realize where you actually are and what you're actually doing.

You remove your arms from under and around him and your legs from around his and you sit up, causing Aleks to wake up.

You didn't do anything with Aleks last night other than share a bed with him, but you feel so guilty that you can't breathe normally.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Aleks says, rubbing his eyes.

"I... I have to go," you say, getting up.

"What? Why?" he asks.

"Aleks, I have a boyfriend. I can't just be sleeping over your place," you say, running your hands through your hair and then putting on your shoes.

As your about to leave, he stops you, "Do you regret last night?"

You think back to last night, remembering his arms around you and the feeling of his lips on your forehead. You remember how much you missed it. You shake your head, "No, Aleks, not at all." And with that, you're gone.

1:18 AM / Friday

You find yourself in bed fairly early, thinking about Aleks. Just like that, you get a text.

My bed is always open...

You're tempted to take him up on that offer tonight, but you fight yourself on it and end up staying in your own bed and shutting off your phone for the rest of the night.

12:36 AM / Friday

You thought that Aleks not contacting you would be a good thing, but in reality, it made everything worse. After that night with him, you needed to be with him again.

You had spent a few nights at Asher's during the week, trying to forget about Aleks, but you couldn't. You couldn't. You can't stress it enough, Asher is AMAZING, but he's not Aleks.

1:02 AM / Friday

You hesitate before knocking on the door softly. You wait a second before knocking again.

The door swings open and you wrap your arms around the shirtless blonde.

"(y/n)? What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry, I just. I got lonely at my place and... I'm sorry."

Asher laughs. "Why are you apologizing, baby? You're always welcome here."

You go into Asher's room, crawling in bed with him. You put your head on his shoulder and try to fall asleep with him, but you can't. You can't stop yourself from thinking about Aleks and how he weirdly radiates so much heat, but somehow manages to have icicles for hands. You can't stop thinking about his tattoos on his chest or the way he always kinda smells like peppermint.

You watch Asher doze off to sleep. You are lucky. You are so lucky to have such an amazing, perfect boyfriend. Asher is everything you want in your future. He has his head on his shoulders and a plan for his life. He's the perfect guy to plan your future with. He's everything you want in your future, but he's not everything you want now.

You sit up at this realization. Aleks may be childish and he may not be the most responsible person in the world, but he loves you and you love him. He is everything you want right now. Right. Now. You write a quick note for Asher before leaving.

3:29 AM / Friday

You knock on the door, waiting for a response. After a few minutes, you knock again, harder. The door opens and you're in front of him. You're frozen.

"Aleks..."

This time, he launches himself at you. He wraps his arms around you and spins you around and holds you tightly. He runs his hands through your hair and kisses your forehead.

"Aleks. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I literally could not get you out of my head. I thought you not calling would help, but it made it worse. I thought spending one more night with you would fix it, but it made it really worse. I missed you so much, Aleks. I missed you fucking around and being dumb and so imperfect. I missed you so much. I love you, Aleks."

He holds the sides of your face and kisses you. Your eyes close as you just take in everything.

He takes you to his bed, laying you down, just like before, but it's different. You wrap yourself around him again, squeezing him tight. "I love you so much, (y/n)."

You fall asleep as soon as you close your eyes, sleeping the best you have in months.

[cleanse-log-blog]

28 day Cleanse (Day 17)

What I feel:

Went to sleep with horrific ear ache. Woke up with gorrific ear ache. Taken one codeine first thing in the morning today.

Did first set of morning pages, and having fun buying the things for my inner artist child, for the artists date. Also working with the blurts and affirmations is powerful!

Everything is so much worse because it is my period in five days. I keep biting my cheeks and my mouth is so sore and full of blisters. And my gums are seperately sore and aching and causing problems. This ear pain is so so so so so so so fucking bad. I’ve figured out the reason why only codeine works. It is because I have chronic pain, that never stops so I am constantly at a level where a normal person would need to lie down and take pain killers. But this is my normal and it has been like this for so long (that is what chronic pain is) that there is no point where it stops. So this is why codeine is the only pain kller that works. And even then, its not working.

😣😣😣😣😣😖😖😖😖😖😖😫😫😫😫😫😫

I feel like I want and need so much help, and need help making plans on how to get help but I dont have the energy to orchestrate any of it. And also I’m going insane because I have no social contact and this makes so many things so mucg worse but I dont have the energy to be in touch with people in a non verbal way!

This feels like a predicament of needing help but suffering (with physical symptoms) too much to make the help happen.

I can never think straight enough to figure out what it is I need. (The help, wise). Even this is going to tire me out and exhaust me and all I will be able to do all day… I am going to skip meals beacuse of writing this, but I need to get something down, I am feeling just so utterly hopeless and lost and at a loss as to what to do.

Its official. I am allergic to paracetamol. Had a codeine first thing and now I have the sore throat. The chainsaw feeling, like tonsilitis feeling. Asprin it is, for now.

SUCH AN AWFUL FUCKING DAY OF PAIN.

What I ate:

• Lemon water

• Celery juice

• Watermelon and passion fruit

• Bagel bites, avocado, olives, hemp seed sprinkle.

• Coconut meat.

• 5 grapes

• Horchata (tiger nuts, manuka honey).

• Grapes

• Cauliflower rice with raw tomato sauce.

• Elderflower and echinacea pukka tea.

• Snaffled some tiny bits of roast potato and parsnip (1st cooked food).

• Root tea

• Nakd bar

• Punnet of bluberries

• Coconut meat

• Kiwi and cashew cream

• Lemon balm and silver birch leaf tea.

• Cauliflower rice with cucumber, cherry toms, avo, hemp hearts, red pepper, lettuce.