#I am still mourning my abled body (I guess more abled it more accurate I’ve always had EDS whatever)

[campirebites]

u know what actually appreciation post for my joints because yes I’m in pain every day but I haven’t felt like I’ve needed my cane in a couple of weeks so thank u body ur doing a good job

[monster-noises]

under a cut cause Idk how long this is gunna be... (hint... it’s Long) CW: confusing trans stuff, surgery mention,  there’s nothin graphic and it doesn’t get Too Heavy so don’t worry

I have such a.. weird relationship with my body and my gender and change and I am so frustrated with it right now...

In case you hadn’t.. guessed from my highly unspecific cryptic references over the last few days I was just lucky enough have had top surgery on the 10th, which is something I’ve been waiting five years for and I’m so relieved it’s finally happened at least theoretically my real emotions are much more complicated and far less... elated I don’t like change, especially sudden, abrupt, change. It’s not fun, it’s hard to process, and it’s always incredibly stressful. And top surgery is a Big Permanent change to my Permanent Singular Human Body. I can’t go back now, my bodies now different than it has been from the body it was for over a decade. All familiarity with it stops here and needs to be rebuilt from 0. And my brain doesn’t care if it /knows/ it’s the right decision for my happiness long term or my quality of life, that’s!!!! too much!!! it’s too much!! I can feel nothing but looming distress and dizzying discomfort! I had.. similar fears and worries about regret and dissatisfaction just before going on T. I was /terrified/ it wasn’t going to be the right choice for me, the shaky impermanence of my identity up to that point made me worried I would start T and “phase out” of “being trans” and it would be too late (turns out, a shaky impermanent sense of identity is a symptom of being Trans and not out to yourself, who woulda’ guessed?) I would have changed (read: damage) what,at the time, was a perfectly reasonable body and I wouldn’t be able to go back. Five years on those fears seem Ridiculous, I was miserable, I was uncomfortable in my body and could not relate to it at all! And now I’m able to feel (somewhat shaky, but definitely much more present) confidence in my appearance, and the face in the mirror gets less and less foreign as that chasm that so long separated me from myself grows smaller and shallower. But I had five years to slowly adjust to the changes brought on by T as they appeared one, maybe two at a time. And only in the last year or two have they really settled into a human vision that I can call “The person I thought I would become as a child” Top surgery is much more...immediate There is not years-long period of slow steady changes until one day you look in the mirror and realize “Oh.. when did he finally get here?” it’s rapid, and all at once, one day that changes everything in a small two hour window. So suffice to say... my brain is not Elated, or relieved, or excited, or euphoric, or any of the other emotions people relate to their top surgery. Instead  have a mundane toiling knot in my gut that I’ve somehow done something very wrong. I remind myself I haven’t, I remind myself of all the things I’ll finally be able to do, the things I’ll be able to feel comfortable doing again, the ways it will make my life easier, that last tiny leap across the crack in the earth to join my body and my person, and I remind myself that “The way things have always been, they were fine, you were fine, you didn’t need this” is completely untrue, and is something we will see stronger in retrospect than we do now. I still can’t shake it though. The damnable feeling that something has gone wrong. I think that has a lot to do with my issues with change but also the fact that there is a long drawn out recovery process that has so far proven to be uncomfortable and miserable does not make the awaited feelings of gender euphoria come any faster. I think once this fucking binder is off, I don’t have tape and gauze all over my chest, I don’t have to sleep on my back and grit my teeth through the ensuing back and hip pain, and I can just live and get used to things being the Way They Are Now, the euphoria will come, just as it did with T, or when I cut my hair, or changed my name and pronouns, those thoughts of “But things are fine, sure it’s uncomfortable sometimes but you don’t /need/ to change” will be replaced with “you made the right choice, you chose to live” but I’m not there yet and if I’m being honest with where I am right now I’m.... kinda miserable in a very different way than the subtle pervasive misery of my specific experience with dysphoria but none the less I’m not... happy not yet I think I need to mourn? is that... would that be accurate? do you mourn the loss of something you didn’t want? that you distinctly felt as your body betraying you when they first appeared? that you wished you wouldn’t get, that maybe you’d be the exception and you wouldn’t have to deal with? (all very real thoughts I had as a 9 year old going shopping for a training bra) can you.. mourn that? I wish I could just.. have the text book experience, wake up post surgery and cry tears of joy and relief. say “yes please” when the nurse asks me if I want to see my chest for the first time and grin at the new beautiful home that’s been crafted for me. Feel giddy and euphoric and proud as I go through the healing process, answer every “how do you feel?” from caring friends and relatives with an earnest “fantastic!” but instead I have a quiet murmured “not yet” to a now slightly confused nurse, no smiles, no big celebrations, an ever building tension about the final reveal, feigned enthusiasm when responding to the texts and phone calls (though I don’t have the feign too much, I can be truly enthusiastic about the fact I am in almost no pain, which has been brilliant, thank you body, for that at least). A disjointed experience that I don’t understand. It’s all very... isolating. And I feel like I can’t talk about it because it’s not dripping with the expected celebratory tones, it’s not even like... just a quieter experience, it’s genuinely kinda sad. And how do you talk about that? how do you expect people to react to that? “Hey everyone! I got this thing I’ve been waiting over half a decade for at long last! but I feel like shit about it right now! come back in 2-4 months when I’ll have settled into it and we can celebrate then!” That’s a great way to invite people to try and talk to you about things that they don’t understand and you don’t know you can explain even to people who Might. I’m worried about my final reaction to the big reveal, which will probably be tomorrow as I take the binder off to wash myself as best I can without gettin’ the gauze wet. I have a feeling I’m not going to react at all, I’ve never been one for big emotional reactions even without all the weird other shit going on, but I would like to feel... something. Ideal, some kind of joy, okay.. maybe only some kinda joy, I think breaking down crying would suck pretty bad. Regardless, I’m not looking forward to my big reveal moment reaction being a Neutral Head Nod. At least I won’t have to perform it for anyone. Being trans is weird and hard and I want to crawl into a cocoon for the next six weeks please and thank you.

[bearhatarmy]

I really really miss photography. 

Photography feels like an old friend I’ve lost touch with. It pains me greatly that I just don’t have the energy or stamina to do it anymore. It really filled a creative void after I was unable to create my original comedy posts any longer. My illness keeps taking and taking from me and it is a challenge to find ways to adapt and cope.

The saddest part is that I felt like I was just starting to master photography as an art form. I was at that point where I could instinctively do all of the technical things and concentrate purely on the art. Lighting was becoming intuitive to me instead of a complicated puzzle I had to solve each time.

Yes, I took a lot of photos that I am really proud of. (Which I am spreading throughout this post).

But sometimes I mourn the photos I could have taken if my chronic illness hadn’t worsened.

It’s also hard seeing the new cameras and lights that have been released since I had to stop. I *just* missed a technological revolution. New features that would have allowed me to do more with less energy. To push the boundaries of my creativity. To get shots I could only dream of back then.

Full frame mirrorless cameras have opened up so many creative possibilities. The low light performance, the detail, the dynamic range--it has all been improved greatly in just a few years. But there are also many automated usability features that allow the camera to offload work and concentration from the brain. These new digital wonders can even be used as cinematic quality video cameras--something I would have liked to have explored.

I had to take these match photos in a pitch-black room, with a reversed lens, with no control over my aperture, and a manual flash. It took forever to time it properly because I had a whopping 3 frames per second. It would have been a cinch with a mirrorless camera, with super fast burst modes and an electronic viewfinder. You can see exactly what your image will look like before snapping it. But you can also “see in the dark” using a high ISO preview. Before you had to use a live view mode on the back screen. But on older cameras that mode was clunky and slow and... it just sucked.

Enlarge!

MOAR BIGGER!

Weirdly, one of the biggest advances is due to a shortened “flange distance” where the lens connects to the camera body. It seems like a small thing. Literally only a centimeter or so. But because of the lack of mirror, camera designers are able to move the lens closer to the sensor and design more advanced lenses with incredible sharpness. Combined with increased megapixel counts, that would have been amazing for my macro photos.

Electronic viewfinders take the guesswork out of exposure--even in bright sunlight where screens get washed out from glare. And being able to compose portraits with highly accurate eye-tracking autofocus would have been a tremendous advantage. 

No more “focus and recompose.” 

No more “Did I get the eye? Let me zoom to 100% on this tiny screen.” 

I could have spent more of my concentration getting natural expressions from my subjects and composing my photos without distraction.

And IBIS! 

I missed out on motherhecking IBIS!

This photo of my wonderful friend Erin was taken handheld at sunset. The original RAW version was extremely dark--even though I was using a high ISO. I had to do a ton of work to get this to not look like noisy garbage. But there just wasn’t any other way to capture it... UNTIL NOW.

IBIS (eye-bus/👀-🚌) or “in-body image stabilization,” allows the camera sensor to kind of... float. You can eliminate camera shake caused by the subtle micro-movements when handholding. 

How do I explain it? Ummmm...

It turns the sensor into a chicken head.

So instead of increasing the ISO (which is like a volume knob for light which gets grainier as you crank it), you can lower your shutter speed. In the past, depending on the lens, 1/60th of a second was about as slow as you could set it. With IBIS, as long as the scene you are capturing is relatively still, you can take photos in very low light without a tripod. This is great because tripods are a pain in the ass and you can’t always have one handy. Plus, you can combine an IBIS camera with a stabilized lens to get a de-blurrification multiplier. Then you can get sharp handheld photos that are technically considered long exposure. I’ve heard people say they got sharp photos exposing at several seconds. Literally going from a fraction of a second to 2 goddamn Missisisppi. I can’t even quantify how many fantastic photos are being taken right now that would have been unusable blurry messes a few years ago. We get to enjoy these photos all because they installed a chicken head inside cameras.

AND DARN IT ALL TO HECK I HECKING MISSED IT, GOSH HECKING DANG IT!. 

Sorry... didn’t mean to curse like a sailor that stubbed his toe while stepping on a Lego. 

I think I’ll have a cool refreshing root beer to calm my IBIS envy.

(Those water droplets are a total fraud, by the way. It’s fake blood without the red added.) 

And with the progress in battery and wireless technology, artificial lighting has become lighter and more portable while still being powerful enough to compete with the sun. I could have used strobe lights in my little studio, packed them up into a small case, and gone to the middle of the field to use them there.

Yes, I was able to convert my old studio lights to be “portable-ish” but we had to lug so much equipment to accomplish this photo of Brittany in the red dress. The battery pack alone weighed as much as one modern light. I was stuck in bed for a week afterward from all of the carrying of heavy gear.

Before that, this was my hacked together “outdoor” light. The Flash-O-Tron 3000. It looks cool but it was delicate and hard to get through doorways.

After charging 12 AA batteries overnight, I had to drag this contraption outside at the buttcrack of dawn to get my favorite photo of Otis. 

I had to use a handheld mirror to reflect my popup flash in the direction of the Flash-O-Tron 3000 to trigger it. It worked about 25% of the time. Oh, and I was laying on cold wet grass, manually tracking Otis--who refused to sit still. I had to line up a single autofocus point on his head for every snap. The concentration required felt like my brain was juggling chainsaws.

But guess what they invented last year?

PET. EYE. AUTOFOCUS. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

A little robot inside the camera is all, “Hey, that’s your dog’s eye!” and just follows it no matter where your pup moves.

I NEEDED THAT SO BAD!

This shot took 10 minutes of me trying to lock onto his eye with a macro lens. The depth of field at that distance was the width of his eye and, again, he does not sit still. 

I want a time machine so I can go back and retake every blurry Otis photo. 

Also, many of the modern strobes have NO WIRES. You just stick a thing on top of your camera and you can set off lights several football fields away. My photo studio has tons of wires routed in the ceiling and coming out of the walls. 

[Hi-Res Version]

And then those wires all go into a weird analog remote with old school sliders that controlled the power of the flashes. But the sliders were difficult to finely adjust.

Now you can load an app on your phone and adjust the flash power digitally and adjust the brightness in 10% increments. You can save lighting ratios and recall them instantly. And you can preview your work with high powered LED modeling lights so you don’t have to take 50 test shots. 

No more nudging a light and taking a picture. Raising the power and taking a picture. Swapping out a modifier and taking a picture. Back and forth, back and forth. 

Essentially, what you see is what you get, so setting up lighting takes a fraction of the time and effort with these new lights and cameras. That would have been so helpful with my disability.

Oh... the lights are less expensive too.

The future of camera tech looks exciting as well. I think the computational photography that is in the latest smartphones will soon be added to more professional cameras. That is going to make high-end photography so much more accessible to anyone who wants to try it as a hobby. The learning curve will flatten further, and as long as you are creative, you will be able to take beautiful, high-quality photos.

Some might say that not having all of the new tech helped me gain important experience, expertise, and problem-solving skills. Some believe the inconveniences are a photographer’s trial by fire. The struggle makes the art more authentic. And since I learned how to do it the hard way, my journey is more valid than some photography influencer on Instagram with an iPhone.

To that I say... BULLLLLSHEEIIIT.

Those inconveniences just made me SUPER DUPER TIRED.

And some of those influencers take really kickass photos. Not all of them are butts either.

I love photography but there is a reason I had to stop. Like anything, doing it well was a lot of work. I always ended up having to quit taking photos much sooner than I wanted. I had to scale back my ambition to fit my energy requirements. I could only do photography on days when my body was cooperating fully. I had to cancel many photoshoots because the preparation was just too much to handle. And after my bigger projects it took me forever to recover.

GIVE ME ALL THE CONVENIENCES PLEASE.

That “you have to struggle” attitude is no-good-gatekeepy-ableist crap. 

Old photographer grumps are upset because they spent years learning how to focus manually on horseback and use the sunny 16 rule and develop film in a converted shed they built by hand and now “those darn kids” can use an iPhone on a skateboard while doing a kickflip with their eyes closed and still pull focus.

However, despite there being a lower barrier for entry, the technological improvements add new complications to the advanced side of things. So you can make photography as difficult as you desire if you are willing to learn new stuff. Which old school photo grumps are notoriously averse to.

This new tech has all kinds of novel things to discover and figure out. There is drone photography. There is advanced macro photography using robotic focusing rails and ever-improving focus stacking software. You can now network more lights together than ever before. Karl Taylor did a photoshoot with 12 lights! (Captain Picard would totally lose his shit.) Long lasting batteries and computerized sliders have created new timelapse possibilities. Stabilization software allows complex hyperlapse videos. Better low light performance and sharper lenses with big apertures combined with stacking or star trail software has improved astrophotography. Advances in material science have allowed darker and darker high quality neutral density filters for extreme long exposure photos. New focus tracking algorithms have allowed for wildlife photography that was never possible before. You can capture fast-moving birds in the sky from farther away and still get amazing detail. Faster burst modes allow people to capture split-second action. Never miss a good header at your kid's soccer games. (Is that a thing? I have no kids and don’t remember how to soccer.) IBIS allows photography without a tripod. So now people can trek to harder to reach areas, AT NIGHT, and take sharp photos with little noise. Increased dynamic range and new HDR displays will allow photographers to take images of lights and capture their actual intensity. What if the lights in photos could glow like they do in real life? Think about a neon sign at night in the rain reflecting in a puddle. That would look so neat. 

Not to mention learning how to process photos in editing software is an entirely separate and challenging skillset you can master. There are thousands of techniques you can learn to elevate your images. Dodging & burning, frequency seperation, and compositing, oh my! Programs like Lightroom and Photoshop are constantly updated with new features that expand possibilities.  

None of that is easy. It will all require diligent study and practice to master. Technical skills will always be an aspect of photography that anyone can pursue. But not everyone will need as much technical skill to start having fun and create art. 

And much to the chagrin of those grumps... phones are perfectly viable to create that art and they will keep getting better.

You might find it odd that this love letter and goodbye to photography has so much talk of technical gadgetry. But, for me, it isn’t out of place in this sentimental essay. Technology was my first love. My parents bought me a 66mhz Packard Bell computer when I was 12 and technology was the first thing I was ever good at. I learned every function of that machine. I would sometimes break it just so I could learn how to fix it. I took it apart and put it back together. It was my first true obsessive hobby. I found my creativity soon after, and I immediately used that technology to help me create art. I wrote comedy. I learned how to digitally paint. I recorded music. And eventually I found photography. It was the perfect marriage of technology and art. I could nerd out as much as I want while still getting my creative fix. 

So yeah... I miss it all. 

I miss all of the technical nerdery. I miss trying out new gadgets. I miss editing the photos I’ve taken. I miss taking pictures of my beautiful friends. I miss taking pictures of weird products. I miss asking Delling to call apiaries to find me freshly dead bees so I can take macro shots of their fuzzy little torsos.

I really hope some day I find a treatment that gives me enough energy to take photos again.  

Thankfully my writing helps me feel creative and productive and fulfilled. And it’s something I can do even if I’m not able to get out of bed. And I am grateful I have so many awesome people that actually want to read what I have to say.

So thanks to everyone for that. 

I always find a way to move forward. That’s just the nature of surviving chronic illness. But glancing back at what I lost is a pain I never quite get used to. 

Though, writing this has helped. 

Looking back at all that I accomplished has helped. 

And I do feel lucky I was able to accomplish what I did--even if missing it makes me sad sometimes.  

[beerecordings]

How do we recognize ableist content like that? I've never been in situations like that, so something that look pretty harmless to me could be in fact quite shitty. I don't want to share stuff like that and be unaware of it, how do I learn?

well thank you for asking!!! but the first thing I’d like to do is make it clear that while I do trust myself to recognize many common ableist errors/choices, I do not pretend to be an authority on this issue any more than anyone else who’s done some research, talked with other people, and worked to recognize things. I need help sometimes too! Also I’d like to reiterate that I am able-bodied and people with disabilities are free to correct me.

The second thing to notice is that SOMETIMES these things are context-dependent. For instance, while I usually gag to see Jameson made into like the son of somebody the same age as him, if you’re actually writing an au where Jameson and maybe another character or two are actually children to another character, that can be pretty cute!!! In that case an adult is not being infantilized and he is not made into a child because of his disability - he’s being made into a child because he’s a literal four-year-old and that’s the premise of the story (and he still can’t talk). Alternatively, maybe Jameson needs extra attention and love and protection from older brothers after a traumatic event - but at some point, that Jameson should begin to regain his independence, should still experience a wide range of emotions, and should not be condescended to about his emotions or ability to function alone. However, please be careful with this… don’t use context to make excuses if you’re actually pulling ableist shit.

I think that list I gave in the post I made is a good (but not comprehensive!) starting point for some of the things to look for that are offensive to people with disabilities (some of these are specific to mutism). Let’s take another deeper look at these points:

Before reblogging something with Jameson in it, for instance, ask yourself - does this infantilize the character?

Is Jameson unable to function alone in society beyond the reasonable limitations we would expect of a person with a disability? Is Jameson babied to a ridiculous degree by the other egos? Does Jameson only experience basic emotions? Does Jameson ever stand up for himself or display “unpleasant” and unromanticized emotions such as anger, desire to isolate, desire for violence, ugly grief and sorrow, etc? Disabled adults are still ADULTS. Don’t treat them like little kids!!! If you want to portray Jameson’s trauma reactions - and you should!! he’s been through a lot!! - make sure this is more complex than just reducing him to a sweet needy baby who needs a hand to hold twenty-four seven. He should have ugly reactions too and be more complex than sad sometimes because he’s disabled and needs more attention. Otherwise you are infantilizing his mutism and romanticizing his trauma.

Does this erase Jameson’s disability completely or partially?

I have had people tell me it’s okay to erase Jameson’s disability because “they just wanted him to have a cute British accent.” I have had people to tell me to “chill out” because it “isn’t a big deal” that people erase his disability. I’ve heard people say “I couldn’t really get into Jameson for some reason, he just wasn’t my favorite character - so I decided to make him my own and give him new powers and let him talk and now I like him a lot!”

FUCK OFF M8

DON’T WRITE HIM IF YOU AREN’T WILLING TO INCORPORATE HIS DISABILITY AND YOU HATE DISABLED CHARACTERS. WHY ARE SOME OF U LIKE THIS. HOW DARE YOU qUITE FRANKLY

DO NOT SUPPORT CONTENT WITH A SPEAKING JAMESON UNLESS ANTI IS ABOUT TO SHOW UP AND CUT THAT BOY’S THROAT OR MAYBE IT’S AN AU WHERE SOMEBODY ELSE HAS THE DISABILITY BUT I’M NOT A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE ABOUT THAT ONE -

When you erase Jameson’s disability, you are telling every disabled person who might come across your writing that there is something wrong with being disabled and that they need to be fixed, as well as warping your own perception of the disabled people you will meet in your life. Do not use magic spells to erase Jameson’s inability to vocalize. Do not just decide you prefer a vocalizing Jamie.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of a character who cannot vocalize?

If you are not disabled, you probably should not write pieces deeply exploring his relationship with his disability, because you just can’t do it right. I’m tired of seeing people write like ten thousand words of whump about how sad Jamie is about being disabled and how he longs desperately to just be normal like everyone else!! If only he didn’t have to sign!!! And he never seems to make any progress at accepting himself, he never seems to have any righteous anger at the people who treat him like shit, he always seems to let himself be comforted by other people telling him how to perceive himself instead of coming to terms with it with the help of both others and his own internal development. Incorporate his disability, and yes, it’s okay if it upsets him that other people react poorly to his inability to vocalize sometimes, but avoid stories which focus on him dealing with his disability exclusively if you are not disabled. If his disability is the only thing that ever makes him sad or makes him experience a negative emotion, you have fucked up again and you are using his disability for whump points like an asshole instead of seeing him holistically. I get upset sometimes because I see people will get prompts about JJ and it will be like… “job interview!” so they write one where Jameson gets turned down for a job because of a disability or it will be like “mourn!” and it’s about how he mourns his lost voice and “spell!” is about Marvin trying to fix him and just….. I guess it’s okay to write that stuff every now and then, but it’s a BIG RED FLAG if someone takes every single prompt or thought about JJ and makes it about him being sad about his disability.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of sign language?

Please be aware that Jameson speaks BSL, not ASL! I think most people mess that one up just because they don’t know, not because they’re ableist, so it’s great to spread awareness! If you are writing something about Jamie, though, you really should know. You should also try to learn a little about the way people sign and just do some research! Also, when writing Jameson, be aware of the signing. If he is in another room than Jackie, then remember that Jackie can’t “hear” him. You just forgot he couldn’t talk! Double-check your work or ask someone to beta and this one is avoided easily. Be open to someone pointing out “actually, Jameson couldn’t do that, he was downstairs!” and work to accommodate him.

If I were unable to vocalize, would I be offended by this representation?

Many of us have disabilities of our own. Think about the things that bother you and how they apply to mutism or even other disabilities like Chase’s depression. One thing that always helps me (though I am not in a wheelchair!) is comparing this to people in wheelchairs. Would it be okay for me to write a fic where a person had their legs magically fixed after a lifetime of not being able to walk and then everybody liked them better and they finally found purpose? Would it be okay for me to write ten snippets in a row about how sad they are they can’t walk? Would it be okay for me to just decide they can walk now because I’m annoyed when I have to write in their wheelchair? Is it okay for me to say that they can’t wheel themselves around or that they use magic to move at all times and would not be able to move at all if someone were not pushing them or they lost their magic? Is it okay for everyone to treat the person like a helpless baby because they can’t walk? Honestly, I think we know more than we think if we take a moment to critically examine. Trust your gut.

Does this contain common problems in portrayal of characters with disabilities/mutism such as derision or lamentation towards sign language, making the character defined entirely by their disability (always a cheerful character except when reminded of their disability, for example), having other characters explain things about their disability to them, or treating the character as childish, needy, and unable to function in society because of their disability?

Pretty self-explanatory, but well worth repeating.

Do not show derision towards sign language (though a villain might, if it was clear that they are the villain and doing something wrong!). We have already discussed the complexities of lamentation and I suggest that you avoid that as well, especially if you are going to make his character flat. If you are not disabled, you really can’t portray it well, and it’s ableist to focus so much on the disability that you do not give the character any other complexity. Do not make the disability the “tragic backstory” of the character’s life. Complexity is important because it means you are seeing the person as more than their disability! You should know things about the character other than “they are happy and sweet and sugary and never get angry or make mistakes!! except sometimes… they are sad because they can’t talk uwuw poor baby” you look that shit in the eyes and you tell it to fuck off, you hear me? It’s great to have a sweet, nice, sugary baby brother Jameson as long as he is more complex than that, with real independence and abilities of his own and complex emotions and character! His disability should not be his one weak spot or his tragic backstory or some shit!

ALSO DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT REFER TO JAMESON AS “THE MUTE.”

like dude even “the mute man” is pretty fucking shifty because why do you feel the need to define him by that??? but definitely not “the mute moved down the hallway” i will block you on sight and you will deserve it that is SO offensive would you call a person who can’t walk “the cripple???”

Don’t have a speaking character explain things about disabilities to characters with disabilities. Speaking characters should not be condescending towards the character about much of anything, really, or else you’re infantilizing - if you need someone to explain things, obviously that’s okay, but do it in a way that recognizes that this is a mature and independent adult.

The character with a disability should be able to function in society past the limitations that are to be expected. No, Jameson isn’t going to magically start talking, but if he wants to go on a walk alone, he can. Let him do things like writing or texting. Don’t be afraid to give him a cool job and awesome hobbies. Let him have independence. If you can’t imagine JJ living on his own because he can’t speak, you’re doing it wrong. Look for signs that Jameson is capable of things other than making tea and kissing his brothers good night.

It’s okay to have a Jameson with a slightly childish personality, and I love it when he’s a sweet boy! But there should be more to him than that. I’m just going to say it - you know when Jameson is being treated like a baby. You know the difference between infantilization and a nice friendly man with sweet cute hobbies and interests. You can see it. Trust yourself. Don’t buy it when you see it and if you’re writing him, make sure there is complexity instead of just sugar-sweet with a sugar-sweet filling. He’s an adult. Remember that and remember that it’s harmful to pretend otherwise.

Geez, that was a rant and a half. Again, I am not the perfect authority. But there are some tips.

Does that help at all?

Feel free to add on to that if you have seen specific things in the fandom that I might not have seen or you have a disability and have experience with being discriminated against.

[prettywordsyouleft]

Could You Marry Me? - Part 3

Summary: Marriage was something you dreamed of reaching after falling in love with the man of your dreams. Yet the romantic in you is thrown out the window when you end up having to fake your engagement with your personal assistant.

Pairing: Son Hyunwoo x reader

Genre: office au / ceo x personal assistant / co-workers to lovers au / romance / fluff / fake dating

Warnings: none

Index: Preview | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

So just like that, you had a fiancé.

You were still kind of reeling from it all, even though you hadn’t really had time to process any of it. Last night, Hyunwoo had said yes to your marriage proposal and now he was sitting across from you in your apartment, sans his usual work suit, waiting for you to speak.

Right, because this was your crazy idea in the first place.

“So uh, I ended up getting caught wearing a ring in front of someone influential. She knows literally everyone in my life and whilst it was working as a great decoy on my blind dates, I couldn’t quite fathom how to say it was fake to her.”

Hyunwoo nodded, simply accepting your explanation as if it wasn’t the stupidest and most cowardly thing he had heard you say.

You nodded as well and then continued. “So now she’s expecting me to get married.”

“When do we need to?”

“Wait, you’re fine with all this?” you wondered incredulously, shaking your head. “This is ridiculous.”

“Well, I won’t say I was expecting you to enter such a situation but you’ve chosen to go ahead with this fake marriage. There’s not much to do other than plan for what is to occur next.”

Sometimes you disliked how straight-forward Hyunwoo was. He would always look for the concluded answer and plan immediately from there. It was an occupational hazard, and you wondered if you had relied on him too much over the years to help you through too many issues.

This had to top the list though.

“Don’t you want to get married because you love someone?”

Hyunwoo nodded again. “I believed I would marry because I want to spend the rest of my life with that person.”

“Marrying me would kind of prevent that from happening,” you mumbled, already mourning for the prospective wife you were stealing from his side. You sighed heavily.

“What about you?” You glanced over at him, and Hyunwoo smiled weakly. “I know you didn’t want to marry any of the men your parents presented to you. Wasn’t that because you wanted romance and true love as well?”

How did he know that? You had never expressed your romantic side in front of him before. Then again, you hadn’t expressed your accurate body size to him either and yet he was able to get anything tailored to fit you without so much as asking once.

You revisited your thoughts about him being telepathic and Hyunwoo’s warm round eyes simply bored back at you, waiting for direction.

“I guess it’s a bit too late for that,” you announced weakly, wringing a hand over your other wrist mindlessly. You laughed awkwardly. “Do you have any ideas on how to start a fake marriage?”

Hyunwoo turned to the satchel bag he carried everywhere and produced two copies of something. You peered forward at them and took the one he handed you. “I did research last night if there was a way to contractually create a marriage. It’s more common than you think. So I drew up these provisional contracts as a basis to build upon.”

A marriage contract?

You had signed so many contracts over your lifetime but you had never expected a need for one of these. In saying that though, it relaxed you to have some sense of structure to this situation. You believed that a contract was something you could rely upon, especially when it came to working with Hyunwoo. He was prompt and efficient and so you instantly felt some of your burdens lift away.

A contract with him would be straight-forward and you would know exactly what to expect at all times.

You read through the clauses, each one seeming relatively agreeable. He had covered the basics of planning a matching story, how to address friends and family about the marriage, what was expected from both parties, and most importantly when it would end.

You glanced up at Hyunwoo, a slight tilt to your head. “Two years?”

“From what I gathered, most parties who enter an agreement such as this set a time-frame of two to three years. In two years time, we could terminate our marriage contract. It will allow you ample time to find someone suitable in a romantic manner afterwards.”

“You thought of everything,” you told him and he seemed pleased with your praise. You then noticed one thing was missing from the contract. Flipping through the pages and scanning every clause again, you then glanced up at Hyunwoo. “There’s no mention of what will happen if we fall in love?”

Hyunwoo didn’t respond to your statement, unyielding with his emotions. You blushed at the penetrable gaze and then chewed at your lip. “I mean, not that I’m expecting us to but-”

“I’ve been at your side for seven years now, Y/N. Have you fallen in love with me yet?” The question was loaded, though his tone was even, void of emotion like usual.

You didn’t know to respond. Should you laugh at how preposterous your feeble thought had been? Smile and tell him you were simply testing to see what his reaction would be to such a question? Really, you were genuinely concerned. The longer you stared at Hyunwoo; you felt the question settle in your chest. You had been together longer than any other relationship in your lifetime. Apart from Tanith and your family, Hyunwoo had been at your side through all the hard and good times ever since you started your company fresh out of university. If either of you were to become romantically involved with one another, it would have occurred by now.

Hyunwoo wasn’t asking you a loaded question at all; he was reminding you just how at ease you were with him.

You smiled. “Of course, there’s no chance of that.”

The preparation for your dinner date at Mina’s was easier than you had originally thought. You were fortunate you both had the excuse of working closely with one another over these years that Hyunwoo advised it would make sense your working relationship naturally progressed further over one too many long nights alone together in the office. There wouldn’t be any need to have some extravagant story of how you fell in love then, and conversation would easily shift forward. Once again, you were pleasantly surprised by his efficiency and when he picked you up for the dinner you had been invited to, your nerves melted away.

Hyunwoo looked the part, in one of his suits, though he had relaxed how he had done the collar, leaving a couple of buttons undone. You reached out instinctively before hopping into his car, smiling up at him. “You should do this more often. You don’t look as stiff.”

He smiled but didn’t respond, helping you into the vehicle and then drove to the destination. Although you were relaxed in his company, that changed as soon as you were following a staff member of Mina’s residence up into the house. You gripped at your small clutch and jumped when Hyunwoo’s hand slipped around your arm, hooking it so you could grip onto him instead.

You gave him a desperate look and he nodded, his eyes reading just as they usually did when you were nervous. It’s going to be okay. Just treat it like a business transaction.

I am here.

You nodded back at him before turning to face the greeting of the woman of the house squealing at you both. “Oh Y/N! I am so glad you actually came! This is wonderful! Haven’t I seen your fiancé before somewhere though?”

“I’m Son Hyunwoo,” he greeted immediately, reaching to shake the hand Mina had extended out to him. “I have been at Y/N’s side for many years now.”

“Oh!” Mina cried, nodding in recognition before turning back to you. “You fell in love with your personal assistant? Did you two just fall out of a drama together?! How romantic!”

You smiled; hoping your extensive knowledge of watching said romantic dramas over the years would come in handy tonight.

_________________

Part 4

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[dragon-moms]

Entry 139 - Baroness

Conquest continues.

I was awoken by my creation, holding the finished frame. Its coloration looked different, and it had a ribbon tied around it that I recognized from Myrmidon’s personal collection of accessories. Myrmidon was smiling proudly.

“Sorry to wake you, my lady, but seeing as there was a good chance Nobody, Gloria, and Flare might leave early, I thought it prudent to summon you earlier than usual,” they said.

“Yes… thank you…” I said, forcing my aching bones up to stand. My form is much too old to camp. But I was doing my best to ignore my issues, as I knew our current strategy was sound.

Myrmidon set the frame down and began attaching the prosthetics to my wings. “I hope I have finished the frame to your satisfaction, my lady,” they said. “I did the best I could to add a finish to the wood so that it will last. Given our reduced resources, however, it may not last as well as I hope.”

“It looks acceptable,” I said, looking to the frame and thinking. “And if she enjoys it, and I am successful in my task, we can remake one of a higher quality when we have additional resources…”

“Ah, of course! I would be happy to assist when the time comes, my lady,” Myrmidon said, tightening the last strap. “There you are. All ready.”

I tested the movement of my wings and found them satisfactory. I picked up the frame. “Why have you tied a ribbon to it?” I asked.

“Ah, is it not normal to decorate a gift in such a fashion?” Myrmidon asked. “I did the best I could under the circumstances.”

I nodded, understanding. However, something in my skull reminded me of how much Myrmidon treasured their clothing and accessories. It must not be coincidence that they always performed their job at the Barter Plains in a wide variety of configurations. “I shall return the ribbon to you after the task is completed,” I said, thinking it unlikely they had had room to pack a replacement.

Myrmidon averted their eyes a bit. “Ah, that is not necessary, my lady… but… I would appreciate it if she had no use for it…”

I nodded again.

“And, ah, thank you for thinking of me, my lady,” Myrmidon said, smiling.

“I am simply glad I am getting… more proficient at these interactions…” I said. “And you are… important…”

Myrmidon bowed. “I am honored you think so, my lady.”

I headed out, gift in claw, and spotted Nobody filling her bowl at the cooking fire. I approached.

“...seem pretty tired!” Merry said, smiling as Nobody got her food.

“I was working,” Nobody said.

“Oh? Oh what?” Merry asked.

“Why do you even care?” Nobody snapped back.

“She’s just being polite,” my apprentice said from Merry’s shoulder.

“As I said, I have work to do. I don’t have time to be polite,” she said, and walked off with her full bowl.

I started hurrying after her.

“Good luck!” Philly called out as I passed them.

“You can do it!” Merry said, joining in.

I felt the need to hurry faster.

I soon caught up with Nobody, who was sipping from her bowl while she flipped through and occasionally added to what looked like a book of notes.

“What do you want?” she asked without looking up. “Have you figured out something with the entrance to make it more reliable? Or make it work without Flare? I haven’t found anything down in the ruins related to magic yet.”

“I see… I… will admit I have been working on other projects,” I said.

Nobody looked up at me. “What could possibly be more important than all this?”

I did not know what to say.

Nobody sighed, and turned back to her notes. “Well, I’ve been trying to compress all the information in these ledgers into a more readable form, so I guess I got a little distracted too. So whatever.”

There was some silence as I tried to find words.

“What?” she said again.

“I have been… considering… the fact that you may feel unwelcome…” I said.

She looked up at me. “Uh huh.”

“Our group has known each other for some time, besides you. I have noted you have been distant.”

Nobody kept staring.

“I… I know what it is like... to be an outsider…” I said. “So I… so my family and I… have prepared a welcome gift…”

Nobody did not react.

I held out the frame.

“You’re serious,” she said.

“...yes… I would… I want you to be able to be comfortable in these conditions…”

Nobody burst into laugher.

“Have I done something wrong?” I asked, unsure how to read her in this situation. “I was simply attempting to…”

“You’re fucking death incarnate and you made me a ‘welcome to the team’ gift?” Nobody said, still trying to recover from laughing. “You all are the most fucked up group of people I have ever met, fuck!”

“I am sorry I have offended you in some way…” I said, taking a step back.

“All of you are so fucking sure I’m going to play ball and be nice and give everyone hugs or whatever,” Nobody said, closing her book and standing. She moved to get close to me in what I assume was supposed to be an intimidating gesture. I continued to back up to keep her a safe distance from my aura. “Well, I’m fucking Nobody. Alright? I don’t need nor want to be part of your group. I do not need nor want support, okay? So you go tell everyone else to stop it. I’m with you for this job, I’m not going to fuck you all over, but we are not friends.”

I stood there, holding the frame in both claws. I did not know what to do.

“So just fuck off and leave me to this. Let me know if you actually need something.” Nobody sat back down.

“I lost someone important,” I said. I am not sure where the words came from.

“What?” Nobody said.

“I was once like you. I needed nothing but work and basic necessities. I did not prepare welcome gifts for those who assisted me. I just worked, and I felt that that was enough. But it led to losing someone important to me. I lost my child.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Nobody yelled, moving to all fours in one fluid motion, a claw moving to one of her pouches. I did not think her hostility was justified. It was powerful and obvious even to me, but I was unsure how my plight would have angered her.

Even so, I felt I must finish. “Since then I have mourned and regained… but what has become most obvious to me is how much support I took for granted. From those assistants. From my child.” I gripped my shawl in my free claw. “I was not actually independent. I was simply pushing away people who cared for me, even if I did not understand why. And once they were all pushed away, I was… less.” I held out the frame again. “I do not expect you to take this advice. It was hard for me to learn, over the millennia of my existence. I still do not truly understand how to interact with others. But I know that I will do what I am able to in order to not repeat those mistakes. You have helped me and we have worked together, and thus, you deserve this gift. I would appreciate you taking it.”

There was a moment of silence. Nobody closed her eyes. Finally, she took her claw off of the pouch at her side. “What even is it…” she said.

“It is a frame sized to the painting my child, Dagger, made for you. It is designed to make it easy to store in a Boundless Bag enchantment with a small entrance, like the pouches you keep on your person,” I said. “I can walk you through how to use the enchantment on it if desired.”

Nobody snatched the frame from my claw and looked at it. “Why is there a ribbon on it?”

“Myrmidon insisted that such decoration was required for a gift,” I said. “If you do not need it, I shall return it to them.”

“What does the enchantment do?” she asked.

“Allow me to demonstrate,” I said, taking the frame carefully back and removing the ribbon. “You simply activate the enchantment on the front like a rune…” I did so, and the frame bent in half, popping closed like a book. “And now it is a size that can fit in your pouch. The enchantment on the back returns it to its previous state.” I activated it, and it popped back out to normal.

“That’ll bend the painting,” Nobody said. “It’s useless.”

“I ensured it would not by putting the entire frame into another dimensional space,” I said. “The enchantment bends the tiny dimension surrounding the frame, not the frame itself, and thus, nothing inside is affected. You may, of course, test it yourself before putting the painting inside it to be sure I am correct.”

I handed the frame back to her, and she held it for a bit.

“...I’ll keep it so you don’t complain about it,” she said.

“Thank you,” I said.

I gave her her space and went back to my tent.

A few minutes later, I heard Dagger speak up behind me. “Odd to see you so emotional,” ey said.

“You watched my conversation, I take it,” I said.

“Wanted to see how badly you’d do…” Dagger said, appearing before me.

“What is your judgement?” I asked.

“Could have been worse,” ey said.

I nodded.

“She’s using it, by the way,” Dagger said. “I stuck around long enough to watch her test it and then put my painting in it. I was right that she was carrying it, all rolled up.”

“Thank you for the inspiration, Dagger,” I said.

“I didn’t do anything…” ey said. Eir body moved at odd angles as ey searched for words. “I’m still angry at you anyway…”

I waited for an explanation.

“All those hard lessons you learned… I’m the one who suffered for them… I’m the one who didn’t get to have a Mom in my life…”

“Yes…” I said. “I made many mistakes… I was not ready then and I do not know if I am ready now.” I looked into eir eye. “But I will try.”

Dagger made a noise of frustration and disappeared.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done,” I said, hoping ey would hear.

“You’re my Mom… what choice do I have…” Dagger said softly.

“You just said you do not have a Mom…��� I said.

“...during my life. This is… a different thing.”

“I see,” I said.

We did not speak for quite some time, but I got the feeling ey were there, with me.

I feel like I have been very successful, though I have no real way to accurately gauge that.