#I couldn't handle processing the entirety of the situation

[theblehthatbloos]

I'm currently loosing it because I walked into my mother's pantry and swear I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

Unsure and realizing that I don't recall what it is or could be, I walk back in to find:

Oh m-

[misscammiedawn]

What is your favorite soothing song? The one where even without the lyrics just the melody and the memory would calm your soul down deep.

Actually, I have a really good answer for this:

Empty Streets by Late Night Alumni (and also Breathe by Telepopmusik) were grounding songs for me. I used to be really stressed out all of the time and when I broke I would just put on headphones and listen to either of these songs and find my way back in to my body. I once had this happen on a car ride and my former partner was mystified by the ritual because, in her words, "we handle stress in very different ways."

Story time!

I used to run a movie theater. Technically a remote market. I am still in touch with the two protégés I left behind to handle things after I left. I liked what I did. I was good at it.

But running a movie theatre is no joke. It's insanely hard work.

Every year I used to have Winter Holiday a week before the 25th because movie theatres December 23rd-Jan 6th is YOU MUST WORK time. It was snowing and my former partner and I were driving from the state we lived to where her parents lived, two states over. The weather was crappy. People were driving awful and she was needing me to provide a lot of grounding in discussing roleplay stuff and being engaged in conversation. I was on edge and couldn't really relax.

Then I got a call from my boss in Kansas.

There was a crappy James Franco comedy movie about North Korea called The Interview. N.K had declared that should this movie come out, as scheduled, on Christmas day then a theatre in the country would be attacked. That call was from the higher ups saying that our company were complying with the demands and taking down the movie and I had a list of instructions to pass on.

So I get to it and as I am working with catching up, texting info and calling my team I find out the next thing had happened. A CO2 tank ran out and all of the soda in the building was offline. A week before the Busy Season this isn't life ending, but it means I need to call our contacts in NuCO, my property manager and the team at the neighboring theatre, call my boss back to see if this is a closure worthy situation and then call my team back with information on the situation.

I sometimes tell people about this thing I have called "Utility Mode" (Tilly for short!) where I just drop all systems unimportant to Handling The Thing and I **DEAL WITH IT**. I was in that and it was spiking my former partner's anxiety while she was driving.

In retrospect I should have requested we pull over at the next stop.

Bit by bit I got things handled. I had the trailers for the offensive movie taken down and a plan to remove the marketing, refund presales and print out information for visitors at the theatre that day. I had a list of beverages which we could sell, vouchers out for those who wanted carbonated beverages, the truck on priority to be there within 2 hours and my facility guy to coordinate the beverage room and get the pipes flowing again because air bubbles would knock the system offline if we didn't flush them before the CO2 arrived.

I cannot say how long the process took but we were still in Michigan so less than 90 minutes.

Afterwards my former partner, severely rattled from seeing me in this mode which she did not see me in often (more sympathy in retrospect, given new Understandings in my life) tried to calm me down and I told her to focus on the road and let me Handle This. She was upset but complied.

I then listened to Empty Streets in its entirety with my eyes closed and just settled back into my body.

I have no idea why that song grounds me. It reminds me a lot of London. Especially in the time of life when I was living on my own and just liked to walk the West End at 1am. Something about that connection really just vibes.

I dunno.

Anyway, not quite the Answer you were expecting, but one that was nice for me to type out.

[purlturtle]

cactus 🌵 and jasmine please

Ooooh one of those is gonna go deep, buckle in!

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?

So, late last year I had... well, a breakdown, i think you can call it. I was no longer capable of working, I kept breaking down in tears, i felt overwhelmed by my daily life. I had to get written off of work, for the entirety of November and December, because i couldn't handle what work demanded of me, even if that never used to be a problem.

Ever since I got my feet back under me somewhat, I'm learning my boundaries and limits anew. What can I do without breaking down again, without overwhelming myself again? What is too much, what is okay? What are situations that are safe, that are taxing, that are overtaxing me?

Part of that has been realizing that I am highly sensitive, as in, my sensory input is stronger than that of many people (which means I'm more easily overwhelmed), and it gets processed a lot more intricately (which means my CPU is always running at 98% if I don't specifically take care that it doesn't).

It's a journey, not gonna lie. It's hard; some days I feel like a toddler learning to walk all over again.

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again?

This is a much easier question: Harry Potter. 😅

Thanks for asking, and I hope the first answer wasn't too TMI!

Get-to-know-me asks

[multiverse-of-mischief]

im a little late but i want to do some of these anyway so im going to do some past ones here if you don't mind :) (days 1-5)

1 April:

The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, try these: What do you enjoy to do in your free time? What music or series/show do you like? Are you happy with your current living situation/the people you live with? What's one of your favourite foods?

my name is equinox! i like to play pokemon, write stories and draw :D

i LOVE alice in borderland at the moment, i also like those crappy dating shows like too hot to handle lmao

éclairs are one of the best things ive ever eaten and i think i could eat rice all day i love it so much

i do tend to exaggerate things a lot lol, maybe it's something i picked up from people around me or maybe ive just always enjoyed it i don't really know, i'll try and mark it when i do with '[exaggeration]' :)

2 April:

When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

currently i am in the process of being diagnosed, with an assessment having been done in school (age 16) where i scored very highly, idk what that is but the staff there said it was almost as good as a diagnosis. we started all the referrals and everything when i was about 14. i have a distinct memory of talking with my mum once when i was like 11 and she said "oh yeah we've always thought you were autistic" but she doesn't seem to remember this lol

3 April:

How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions. If you're deaf: Can you lip read? Do you think your autism influences your ability to lip read?

ajshakdhsk pretty bad- i have really bad auditory memory, i usually need to see something written down to remember it unless i focus really hard and repeat it in my head. this is one reason i use subtitles when watching things lol

4 April:

Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

i was homeschooled for most of primary school (roughly ages 2-11), mostly because of my poor physical health (i have arthritis and uveitis with glaucoma, arthritis is in remission now though yay :D ). but i was in regular public school for the entirety of high school, which was quite simply awful. i really wish i could have been in some sort of special ed school or even part of the special ed group there but people didn't notice because of my grades. i had shutdowns every day and couldn't focus half the time in lessons bc of people talking, i couldn't talk most of the time, and that made the existing bullying much worse. but i mean, i survived!

5 April:

Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

short answer: im not sure, but not really

i was allowed earplugs but honestly, i think anyone couldve put some in in teachers wouldn't care, i was also able to use a whiteboard to communicate, but again, really anyone could if they needed or wanted to (and half the teachers weren't aware so they'd move on without seeing what i wrote). so those made my time easier but im not sure if they count as accommodations or not, i was ultimately treated the same as every other student and any leeway i did have was because of my good grades, not because i was struggling (which is like really messed up??)

i don't think im aware enough of the support my school could have offered to say whether or not it would've helped but i definitely needed something. actually, i do think it would've helped; they had a support staff (im not sure what their title is sorry) and i feel that definitely would have helped some of my problems there

[call-me-a-s1nner]

One thing that really bothers me about me is how much I think. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in my head and it's exhausting to do all this running around in your own head all the time. But the thoughts that I'm currently having are hard to swallow and I just need to get them out so maybe they'll go away. I'm trying to process this painful realization and I'm not quite sure how to. I just feel like no matter what I did, it was never enough to make her see the good in me. I worked so hard to be the best version of myself for her, to prove to her I loved her with every fiber of my being unconditionally for the entirety of our 5 year relationship. Was I always my best self? Of course not because I'm human and I make mistakes just like everyone else. But my mistakes didn't include cheating, or lying, or having intentions or eyes for anyone else but her. I was accused of those things constantly even though they weren't happening and I fought even harder during those times to show her I'm all in with her and for her. I just feel like all those efforts are forgotten. I feel like who I was to her is erased. I feel like all my love was wasted. Because now I'm being judged on how it all ended which was messy and I'm fully aware I made a bad call in the heat of all the confusion, and the hurt, and the stress, but that's not who I am as a person. That's just a mistake I made, it shouldn't define me. And it shouldn't take away from all the right I've done and all the good that I am. But to her, it does. That reality sucks and it hurts. I'm constantly reflecting back on myself and the things I could have handled different, or reacted to better, or even changed. I'd like to think I'm pretty self aware when it comes to calling myself out on what I need to improve or tweak about how I act and who I am. Sometimes it takes me a little while to process but that's only because I can see every angle of a situation and I'm trying to figure out what I could have done better or different and it takes some time to go through all those motions in my head. I sit here and I beat myself up over not seeing things more clearly and handling something so much better than I did when the dust has settled and I realize I wasn't my best self in the situation. Regrets, you know, they aren't easy to live with. I'm my hardest critic, I promise you that. I think what really gets to me is hearing how easily others mistakes are forgotten and forgiven but, mine never were. This new girl is glorified even though I was told about the red flags, the sketchy behavior she had, and the crappy ways she made you feel and I just don't get it. Why was I not deserving of a break or some slack? Of some trust? Of a true clean slate? Of an actual fighting chance? At any point of our five year relationship, why couldn't I be given that? Why is it so easy for it to be given to anyone but me? I went through hell to try to be seen half as good as you can see her. Legit hell. I sat in the darkness with you, some of the darkest times you've had in your life, and tried to be the light in any way I could be. And I don't feel like any of that matters now. But it should, it should count for something. I don't think she would have stayed through what I did to try to prove to you that you are it for me, she probably would have ran for the fucking hills and never looked back. It's just so frustrating to realize she is getting what I waited for, what I fought for. Because despite her mistakes, despite her flaws in character, despite her hard to deal with sides, you still choose to see all the greatness she is and focus on all the reasons you have to love her and be happy with her and why it will work instead of focusing on the couple of reasons it won't. I just wish I was given that. I wish that's how it was for her with me. I hope she knows how lucky she is.