#I don’t think any of my reviews were what anybody wanted I didnt know shit about writing like a theater critic

[obstinaterixatrix]

last year: yeah I’ve been into musicals for a while but I can’t really say I’m a hardcore fan only because I don’t know much beyond a couple specific shows and I haven’t gotten to see much at all for a while

this year: an entire world of resources has been opened up to me I’ve watched 3 shows 7 times each and have been chewing on this workshop recording with rabid intensity for months

[jonismitchell]

video review of lover by me

this is the funniest thing you’ll read all day

"how do we move on from an album that's like you suck you suck my boyfriend's okay though you suck"

also i cannot dance

"the opposite of feeling a really strong emotion is feeling NOTHING!!!! rolls back in chair NOTHING!!!!!!!"

"every time i hear the bridge i get an exorcism" (cruel summer)

insert one minute silence as i look for discord messages about cruel summer

"if you think that you don't like this song, you like this song."  (cruel summer)

"it's the song that's immediately like 'give me your money' and you're like 'okay!'" (cruel summer)

“makes me single, yeah” (lover)

and then i started singing the bridge and fell on the floor (lover)

"if i were a man, what would you - what would you think of me?" (the man)

"yes sister spill that sister tea!!!" quieter "i need to stop" (the man)

"i always get annoyed when reviews are so long because it's like what do you have to talk about? are you so funny you can keep a review going that long? well, yes i am that funny and yes i have plenty of things to talk about, so,"

"taylor swift is the greatest bridger of our time"

i was talking about the production on the man and i ended up saying projection three times

"i feel like we all collectively forgot about the archer after the album was released! like before everyone was saying "THE ARCHER OMG THE ARCHER MY FAYVRITE TRACK FIVE" and now it's like "say what now arrow"

also i said shrek five instead of track five and i didnt even notice

“i think he knows is a sonical bop, i think he knows have my babies”

"she said rights for YOU  points aggressively at self not you you don't get the rights I GET THE RIGHTS" (miss americana)

"it's like taylor was sitting in the studio one day and was like what song can i write specifically for my holy ground stan who lives in {redacted} oh i know miss americana and the heartbreak prince"

“i love the violins in miss americana she said string student rights!!!! quieter i was always really bad at strings”

"im a (pause) disASTER"

(about the moon is high like your friends were the night that we first met) "imagine like the cops coming into your house like are you doing marijuana? and it's like what's the proof? a taylor swift song. and you're just like i have never met a tyler smith in my life.""and i don't plan to start" (paper rings)

"you say where are the wise men taylor they DEAD taylor they DEAD cause you killed them all.

i grabbed my nostrils and made an inhuman noise about paper rings

"except like i would never accept any proposal from a man smiles"

"if you wouldn't die for cornelia street and kill a random cat to hear it again i don't want to kNOW YOU"

me, trying to decide on a holy trinity: lists five songs

"i can't relate to a lot of songs on lover because they're about being in love" oof

"i know it's such a cliche to be like this pop star gets me but taylor swift GETS ME"

"if you drink my fifteen dollar target wine i will END YOU" (death by a thousand cuts)

"i was fully expe- prepared" (london boy)

"i was expecting this song to kill me, rip my hair out, and put me in a corner" (london boy)

"the first thing i thought when i heard false god was this sounds like watered down juice" (false god)

instead of talking about false god, i will spend five minutes giving relationship counselling

“i’m assuming it’s a saxophone some people said it was a saxophone i don’t know i’m not a band kid” (false god)

“i keep singing like religion is your lips - wait that’s actually the correct lyric!” (false god)

“i know this song is about sex” (false god)

“it’s like the don’t blame me that everyone is like this is don’t blame me but this is don’t blame me” (false god)

“what i first thought when i heard this song was (insert progression of gasps)” (you need to calm down)

“in shake it off it’s like AH! I DON’T CARE! I’M GONNA SHAKE IT!”

“my favorite line is shade never made anybody less gay because, uh, honey, it didn’t” (you need to calm down)

*spends ten minutes getting distracted and talking about the lover music video*

“can it just look like a VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD” (lover music video)

“not fun shit i’m looking at the me i’m looking at the me” (afterglow)

*spends another ten minutes relationship counselling*

“it has a very special place in my *gestures to chest* that” (afterglow)

“i was like JOEL LITTLE he cowrote PURE HEROINE and then it was like spelling is fun!” (me!)

“has she ever done an all too well single? ever?” (me!)

“if you hate me you hate fun. me? me is one of the best songs on the album. tied with every other song on the album. i’m saying that with a completely heterosexual face. i mean straight face.” (me!)

“me is like, you’re a disaster! we both know you’re a disaster! but you know you? you are the only one of you.” (me!)

“fuck everyone who doesn’t like me” (me!)

“thank you taylor for supporting the kids of toronto when the premier won’t gets up and leaves” (it’s nice to have a friend)

“it’s NOT IT’S A GOOD SONG YOU ALL JUST HATE FUN!” (it’s nice to have a friend)

“maybe you guys are just old because you can’t relate to video games! have some fucking fun! not every song has to be an all too well! not every song has to be a clean! sometimes it’s okay to have FUN.” (it’s nice to have a friend)

“and then i loved it! and you all SUCK!” (it’s nice to have a friend)

“like, that’s angelic bitch” (it’s nice to have a friend)

“you all should start putting some damn respect on her name” (it’s nice to have a friend)

“i have to be honest with you guys, i’m a daylight stan now.” (daylight)

*has a three minute breakdown over album closers*

“i don’t have a lover” oof (daylight)

“daylight is like i’m gonna step into the daylight and let it go, it’s alright, hakuna matata” (daylight)

“and i’m just like god bless jack antonoff!” (daylight)

“favorite album album ever, i’m the only one of me bitch!”

“yeah that’s terrifying that’s fucking terrifying”

[kadyshackkk-blog]

Final Reckoning Episode One Review plus a little info from seasons past.

Hello World! Mtv’s Hit The Challenge Returned Tuesday July 10, 2018 at 9pm! This season is “the end of the challenge as we know it”. Which as of right now I’m calling total b.s. since well mtv the last few season has been “recreating” older seasons ie; The Challenge Invasion of the champions, a very sad and terrible attempt to recreate the iconic The Ruins. Then we went into Dirty 30, the longest season in existence and a horrible rip off of Free Agents which in my opinion was the last great season of the show. In the dirty 30 we had something called the purge aka lets fuck Darrell over and allow a bunch of idiots to run the show. Yes I am still bitter because Darrell was robbed out of a title that season and instead our winners were a racist and an anti feminist douche lord, I mean Camila and Jordan. Then we slide into Vendettas after that tragic second season of Champs V stars, which we won’t even talk about since it was a bunch of d list celebrities who i didnt even know and well the terrell owens aka the biggest bitch in the nfl. Moving along, on Vendettas we received a much needed invasion of new people from big brother and mtv uk! Be warned I have never watched mtv Uk shows or any big brother so I had zero idea who these people were but I was excited to see them! We also got from season 5 of are you the one Kam, Eddie, and Alicia. I loved that season of ayto and the people they chose to come onto vendettas made total sense. But what didn’t make any sense at all was the poor get rid of eddie they did. Now I will only say this once and the source that told me this is very credible since he was on their season of ayto he also doesn’t like either person involved however he dislikes eddie more. Simple fact is Alicia Lied, plan and simple. There was never a restraining order or anything of that nature. You can look it up online its public information in every state. Moving on from that, the additions from the uk were all very attractive, and before you gasp and say even Kyle?! Yes even Kyle , I feel like he looks better in person then he does on tv. The fights that season we’re beyond annoying . This was my face anytime Kailah or nicole spoke or were on my tv screen  

I give them both a chance every season they are on but they always make me regret giving said chance. The luggage throwing incident pissed me the fuck off. & Before you all go WeLL cArA dID iT To JOrdAn guess what she put a waterproof bag of his clothes in water omg get over it. Jemmeye Kailah & Britni Ganged up on kayleigh because of a rumor about her and bananas that Devin started to get Johnny thrown into elimination. It was not okay, it is never okay to touch someone elses belongings ever. I do not care, her stuff was broken and none of the actual apologized for it. 

Now for what you came for my review of the Challenge Final Reckoning Episode 1

First off I was hoping this season was a team season sadly it was just a rip off of the Rivals series which was only decent for rivals 1 and 2. Rivals 3 was ridiculous and a waste of time and energy. In the beginning we see everyone show up and Tj is all like guess what your partner is buried and you have to find them! oh and the last two teams will be sent home ending their time in south africa. Me as a view knowing damn well tj is full of shit 

We see Zach dig up his partner Amanda first. Listen I was very excited to hear that Amanda was coming back this season! I really was until all the twitter beef with cara, and unless you’ve been living under a rock you know exactly what I am talking about. (hint him and amanda won the challenge wooooooooh)

Here is everyones partnerships.

Zach & Amanda; Their beef seems a little forced since it’s about Amanda “making up” lies about jenna that even jenna confirmed was true. This team will go far if Zach learns how to work well with women.

Angela & Faith; I honestly don’t understand their beef, really over tor’i really. irrelevant ass team. Angela doesn’t have that same energy she did with Alicia when it comes to Shane and Kam. They won’t go far unless someone (cough cough angela sleeps with someone in power, pulling a veronica in the ruins when she hooked up with my favorite toothbrush twin evan.)

Dj Bald I mean Brad & hair plugs pathological liar I mean kyle; THIS TEAM MAKES ZERO SENSE YALL DEADASS MADE SOME SHIT UP. UHM HELLOOO DARRELL TAYLOR DID NOT WHOOP THAT ASS ON THE RUINS FOR ZERO REASON. Like mtv please stop calling kyle , he literally makes me want to stab him daily.

Cara & Marie; Listen these two have serious dislike for each other over a fucking tweet cara liked & it makes sense they are together. I honestly think this team will do well if Marie Actually fucking tries which i think she will. Tbh marie did campaign to be caras Partner.. However I feel like we as viewers deserved a coral cara team. Those two are both very strong women who need to work out their issues and become civil because I personally love them both.

Ct & Veronica; An og team, ct called v weak but she won more daily challenges then the majority of the girls on dirty 30 . A team to actually fear if they try and win 

Derrick & Tori; Yasssss my boo derrick is back!!!!!! Don’t tell tyler but i adore derrick and think hes amazing. I really like tori as well but her taste in men is just as questionable as mine. Back story tori cheated on derrick with jordan. therefor they don’t like each other.

Bananas & ??? : THIS LITERALLY COULD BE ANYBODY. I’m hoping its sarah so he can break his curse and retire because honestly no one can touch his record unless Landon came out of retirement or if production doesn’t keep fucking over darrell

Joss & Sylvia the sheep; Joss is Hot , and he voted sheep into the elimination and she got mad. damn well knowing she would’ve done the same thing. they do great.

Kam & Melissa; I love this team, this “rivalry” started over a misunderstanding I’m hoping they do well...

Natalie & Paulie; I don’t care enough to waste my time

Nelson & Shane; I’m actually started to like nelson, my dislike for him comes from my loyalty to tyler.. I love shane he is the sassy gay bff that I need in my life. This team will do well if nelson and shane both keep themselves in check

Mama Day & Jozea; I’ve never watched big brother but this team is by far my favorite big brother pairing, I follow both on twitter and they make me laugh daily. underdogs i stan

Britni & Chuck; The hotmess express team. Clearly still feelings there, chuck sucks for what he did to her, they will need to find a way to get past their issues

Jenna & Jemmeye; One of the best moves in challenge history caused this feud. they will do well, jemmeyes brain and jennas brawn.

Kailah & Kayleigh; Failah likes to bully others kayleigh was her victim last season. they’ll probably be out pretty early..

Now to the results of the challenge

Amanda and Zach won.

I’m not to sure about the rest of the order except for the fact Day & Jozea came in last but before jem & Jenna and Chuck & britni.

it was chucks fault him and brit lost 

it was jennas fault her and jem lost

but was anyone really in shock

So then we hear bananas yelling for help since his partner left due to family emergency everyone goes digs him up and if it was up to me he wouldve been sent “home” and not brit and chuck since they almost beat day and jozea.. after they get bananas hoe ass out tj announces that amanda and zach are able to send another team home! And out of all the teams these two dumb asses pick day and jozea. like uhm helllooooooo!!! ya’ll deadass had the chance to send send strong teams home... I can’t the stupidity of these two i can’t. SO  then the three teams leave and “go home”. Everyone goes to the house and already a fight breaks out between shane and angela, over a fucking shelf. Homegirl didn’t have the energy with shane like she did with Alicia , but we already knew she was a fraud. Then cut to outside where Joss and amanda are already flirting with each other. I will give credit is due, Amanda is a beautiful girl but has a very ugly soul and joss is very smart to hookup with her, camera time is everything and why not hook up with one of the most dramatic cast members ever. Cut to Syliva saying this could go great for her alliance or terribly for her alliance at least shes smart. The Que the amanda and joss makeout session. Then we cut to bananas cara and hair plugs talking about cara and kyle. Everything out of kyles mouth is a lie and garbage. Kyle states hes gonna sleep with other people and caras like cool whatever . The cut to faith and hairplugs making out, then faith gets into hottub and johnny being johnny brings it up in front of cara, and cara pulls a queen move by being like if he doesnt want me im not gonna wait around. boy bye best choice shes ever made. Then baby girl proceeded to go into a room and make herself look bad by trying to get at paulie. Like oh no baby what is you doing go to sleep and leave him alone..

Then we cut to the best part of the night in my opinion, first we see melissa walk in and try to be civil with kailah, failah wants zero part in it but melissa still tries because melissa wants to be nice then failah pushes melissa and melissa molly whopped her then they were pulled apart 

Everyone but kailah stans on twitter 

Then the teams who were “sent home” arrive at the redemption house and tj explains some shit i wasn’t paying attention because i didnt care at that point 

Then they go to the photoshoot day and Tj shows up which is never good..

Tells melissa and kailah they are both out ..

Now we dont know kam and kayleighs fate, we find out next week..

Over all this episode was awesome , the cliffhanger was needed , we had a fight some hook ups and a twist.

this season will be interesting to say the least. 

[anontrolls]

> [Part 3] Close Encounters of the Zombie Kind

[Kit, after finding out from Sipara that Pheres is injured, messages Pheres’s rainbowdrinker matesprit Emerel to check up on him, and ends up fielding an impromptu feelsdump from Em and talking himself into a temporary moirallegience.

Emerel is MN (jade) and belongs to @havesomefantrolls, and Kit is CC (cerulean) and belongs to me!]

Excerpt:

MN: look .I. think .I. nEEd hElp .KIT.

MN: .I. kEEp worrying thE shit out of him and making in shrink up likE hEs afraid of bEing hit

MN: and fuck .I.m not okay with that

--cerebralCottontail [CC] started trolling meganeNarcissus [MN]!-- 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Hey, um!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Are you there, Em?)

MN: hEy 

MN: whats up

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, I!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Was wondering if you were okay, I guess, to start? / (´･×･`)＼ )

MN: .I. 

MN: as okay as .I.ll EVEr bE at thE momEnt

MN: how arE you holding up

MN: your shouldEr doing okay

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, my shoulder is fine!!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I was just asking, I mean, because I found out Pheres got hurt and I'm not actually sure if you were with him or anything so I wasn't sure if you got hurt or not because I don't think I would have been told about that!)

MN: wEll .I. would bE 

MN: if thE goddamn grEmlin hadnt thrown .ME. out

MN: dont tEll him .I. call hEr that

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Call who that?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Sipara?)

MN: point bEing .I. cant gEt closE Enough to smEll him bEcausE of hEr and thats how .I. tEll how hEs doing

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, jeez.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Maybe you can ask the mediculler how he's doing?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I know Miss Rennis is a really nice sort of person from what Pheres has mentioned, and I looked up her clinic, she has really nice reviews and everything...)

MN: .I. mEant sipara

MN: shE thrEw us out

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(But, um, yeah, I won't mention the Sipara thing probably.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I try not to talk to her much?)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Us?)

MN: oh uh 

MN: yEah about that 

MN: hadEan is hErE

MN: surprisingly nobodys dEcked anybody yEt

MN: .I. promisEd .PHERES.I. wouldnt

MN: though that wont mEan much if hE 

MN: 

MN: nEVErmind

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(He's going to be fine!!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(If he wasn't, I think you would be able to tell just from how everyone was acting, I think?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And they probably wanted you to leave so they could work on him without stressing him out with adding more people in the medblock!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Especially if you guys are really tense around each other.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(You really shouldn't fight him again, though, I think adding more patients to the clinic is probably... the opposite of a good idea, haha! ／(≧ x ≦)＼ )

MN: you can say that again ugh

MN: but no wE actually 

MN: talkEd???

MN: it was kind of okay and now .I.m not surE .I. Exist in this planE of rEality anymorE but thats bEsidEs thE point

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Like talked talked or like.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Yelled talked?)

MN: uh 

MN: dEEEEEfinE yEllEd talk

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I think that if you have to ask it was probably some of that!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Wow, though, uh - how long are you staying? I can't make it right now but it sounds like you don't have any company you're especially fond of, and I'll probably get there after everyone's gone, but maybe I can catch you as you're leaving for a friendly face?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<((Actually, um, I'm not sure why you don't like Sipara? She doesn't like me very much, I think, but I didn't realize you didn't like her.))

MN: its not anything shE spEcifically did to bE honEst 

MN: hEr pErsonality just gEts grating somEtimEs

MN: but shE thrEw .ME. out to work on .PHERES. and while .I. know its for thE bEst 

MN: that hasnt stoppEd .ME. from bEing pissEd at hEr anyway

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I guess that makes sense.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I hope you're not too upset. I'm really sorry you're having a hard time with this! I mean I know you probably were going to because of Pheres and stuff, but it's unfortunate that Hadean and Sipara are adding to it even though it's kind of not something that can be helped?)

MN: look all .I. want is for .PHERES. to not bE dEad okay

MN: what .I. didnt want was to bE surroundEd by pEoplE .I. EithEr barEly know or cant stand at thE momEnt

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Yeah!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Yeah, of course, sorry.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(That's what I meant, too, I mean, I just said things weird, maybe?)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, jeez.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Is there anywhere you can stay for a bit while Sipara isn't letting you in?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Like maybe a hotel or something!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(So you don't have to deal with that?)

MN: for now .I.m still gEtting my shit clEanEd up

MN: .I. might haVE challEngEd thE ground to a fist fight

MN: and .I. won but now .I.m a mEss

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, no!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I thought you said you were okay??)

MN: ...hEy .KIT. 

MN: quEstion 

MN: .I. said .I.m as okay as .I. can bE right now 

MN: but anyway 

MN: quEstion

MN: do .I. scarE you

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I didn't realize that meant you weren't okay! / ( ´•̥ו̥` )＼ ) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Are you at least taking care of yourself?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Like, since you... hit the ground, I guess.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And what do you mean?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(You're kind of worrying me right now, I guess, but I also think I might be overblowing things because I'm also worried about Pheres and I can't talk to him.)

MN: .I.m pretty much finE physically man

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Okay!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Sorry, I didn't mean to fuss, or anything.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(That's nice to know, though.)

MN: but .I. was thinking about it whilE .I. was talking to hadEan and hE complainEd that 

MN: .I. gEt angry way too Easy morE or lEss 

MN: and .PHERES. had bEEn gEtting at thE samE thing whEn wE wErE talking

MN: .I.ll kEEp you updatEd on .PHERES. as soon as .I. know somEthing by thE way

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Thank you, that means a lot to me!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I don't think Sipara is... going to text me again.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And, I think...) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I kind of worry sometimes for the same reasons as Pheres because it seems like maybe you get into trouble sometimes when you get angry?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Like with Hadean, I guess.)

MN: thats what .I. kEEp hEaring

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Sorry!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I'm not trying to harp on about it or anything!)

MN: .I. didnt think thErE was anything off about it until .PHERES. actually said somEthing 

MN: and thEn EVEryonE ElsE startEd saying somEthing 

MN: and now .I. dont know which way to turn

MN: how do you changE things whEn you wEnt your wholE lifE not knowing thEy wErE a problEm in thE first placE

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, um.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I guess I didn't really want to say things because it wasn't really my place?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And last time I asked about something that was sensitive, you seemed really uncomfortable, and I didn't want to make it worse!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And I don't think your whole life is a problem at all!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(We both really like you, and Pheres loves you a lot.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(... And, I mean.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I don't think you have to turn away from us.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(If you don't want to, I mean.)

MN: .I. know 

MN: .I. just 

MN: look .I. think .I. nEEd hElp .KIT. 

MN: .I. kEEp worrying thE shit out of him and making in shrink up likE hEs afraid of bEing hit 

MN: and fuck .I.m not okay with that

MN: .I. dont want to turn away to bE honEst 

MN: nobody ElsE can accEpt this lEVEl of nicE hair .I.m sporting today 

MN: or somEthing 

MN: ugh that just sounds wrong today

MN: and man if .I.m worrying you too just tEll .ME. about it

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(... I think.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Maybe this has a little bit to do with Pheres as well?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Because I think I kind of know what you mean, because he did that a lot when we first met, and I kind of got too touchy because I thought- well, how we met, I thought he would be okay with it!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(But he wasn't and I think sometimes you have to think about, like.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(It's not like you would ever hurt him! Or I would, and he probably knows that?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(But also you're a lot bigger than him and more highblooded and stronger, and he's grown up with most people being bigger and more highblooded and stronger than him his whole life! Because he's a small person and maroon!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(So he's kind of nervous about things like that automatically.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And, like, I get kind of nervous around seadwellers, I guess, in the same way?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(But I'm also a blueblood and definitely taller than Pheres and trained in the military and I have kind of crazy brain powers I can use, so I don't really have reason to be afraid of most people.)

MN: .I. didnt think about it likE that

MN: hE kind of told .ME. to stop pointing out that hEs tablEtop rpg lEVEls of squishy

MN: not in thosE words but

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Well, what words did he use?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Because it's not) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And I mean I'm not saying you did this at all, I just mean in general it's not always very nice to hear that people don't trust you to be able to take care of yourself?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And I think Pheres can take care of himself, really well!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Except when he makes dumb mistakes, I guess, but I can't really talk when I jumped off a cliff and broke my shoulder.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(But that doesn't mean he's not going to be scared anyways, because he couldn't always do that, and sometimes people don't let him.)

MN: hE uh 

MN: said that too

MN: holy shit what rock haVE .I. bEEn undEr

MN: but its hard to rEmEmbEr that you know 

MN: EspEcially whEn hEs worshipping drinkErs and sticking his hEad down a zombiEs mouth to sEE whats insidE

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Worshipping drinkers?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I actually kind of think maybe he didn't even believe in them before he, uh.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Found out?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(About you, I mean!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And I mean I mess around with guns for a living, and fight people in training and all of that is pretty hazardous!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(But that's my job and research is a lot of Pheres's, too.)

MN: and it feels like whEn .I. try to giVE him a warning about that .I. gEt writtEn off EntirEly 

MN: but whEn .I. dont listEn to what somEonE told .ME.I. gEt tEn pEoplE railing at .ME. 

MN: and it fEEls 

MN: frustrating?

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And it's not like you don't go looking through super dangerous ruins, or don't fight people!)

MN: still 

MN: .KIT. hEs hurt and put his lifE in dangEr for rEsEarch hE didnt EVEn haVE to do

MN: wEll yEah but 

MN: .I. can handlE mysElf just finE usually 

MN: ...okay point takEn

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Um!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Well, I got impaled for waiting at a train stop.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Sometimes things just happen, Em.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I'm pretty sure he's technically more likely to get hit by a scuttlebuggy than get bit by a zombie!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(It's just that one seems less dangerous because we see it all the time.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And, I mean, I don't think you shouldn't worry, or anything like that!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I just think maybe... telling him not to do his job is not really the right way to go?)

MN: dont think yourE off thE worry .EMEREL. train EithEr by thE way

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Haha!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Well, people don't really worry about me that much in general, I guess because I'm a blueblood and trained, like I said, so I will stay on the train.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Especially since apparently train stops are hazardous to me!)

MN: .KIT. this might not be thE timE to talk about things that are hazardous to your hEalth too 

MN: .I. spEnd way too much timE as it is worrying somEonE is going to bE maimEd whEn .I. wakE up

MN: .I. mEan youVE gottEn your arm gorEd twice yourE stuck with lEoffE 

MN: .PHERES. got zombiE bittEn and its also frustrating that hEs worriEd about .ME. fighting but .I. fEEl likE .I. dont haVE any right to bE worriEd about him and his damn obsEssion with thE murdErous

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, jeez - I'm really sorry!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(That was really inconsiderate, and I really shouldn't have, especially since I'm kind of worried about the same stuff, too, and I was literally just asking about you, too.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(But I also don't think that you shouldn't worry about Pheres?)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Like, worrying just means you really love him!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I worry a lot, too.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(It's just that sometimes it's... more our problem, that we're worried? And it shouldn't be Pheres's?)

MN: .I. just want to sEE him alrEady

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Like I worry about silly stuff, sometimes, is what I mean, and worrying about zombies isn't silly but it's also something that it wouldn't be fair to try to make him stop doing, I guess.)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And I feel you on that!!!!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Me, too.)

MN: what arE wE supposEd to do whEn wErE worriEd thEn 

MN: not tEll him?

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, uh!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I think it depends?)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I think he would appreciate hearing that you're concerned about him!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And maybe he'll keep it in mind and be more careful!)

MN: and what if thE onE timE nobody says anything Ends up bEing thE onE that kills him 

MN: what thEn

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh, no, I didn't)

MN: first hE has to bE awakE for .ME. to tEll him that

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I mean that's not really what I meant, completely, I think I explained things kind of weird.)

MN: .KIT. no yourE finE you dont nEEd to apologizE

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(... I didn't say sorry!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<( ／(v x v)＼ )

MN: good job man 

MN: .I.m proud of you

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Pffft. Now you're just being silly.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I think probably a lot of the issue right now is that you're really stressed out because you're worried about Pheres already being hurt, and you're surrounded by people you don't get on well with!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I think maybe you should do what you mentioned earlier and go clean off, and maybe get something nice to eat and relax?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Or, um, drink, I guess?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Not taking care of yourself won't make Pheres get better any faster, and I think he would be happy to see you doing good when he wakes up!)

MN: you know what 

MN: .I. think hE would

MN: .I. dont think therEs a safE placE for .ME. to gEt a drink right now but .I. can hold off a whilE yEt

MN: .I. just 

MN: know any good palE hookErs or

MN: .IVE. nEVEr thought .I. nEEdEd a moirail but 

MN: its gEtting kind of obVious that thats a liE

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Uh!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Uh!!!!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(... Is that a joke?)

MN: sort of 

MN: .I. do kind of nEEd an actual diamond though

MN: .I. promisEd .PHERES. .I.d look for onE

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Well, um - what kind of diamond?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(That came out weird. I mean, like - a permanent moirail, or a temporary one, or?)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I don't really have that much experience with permanent quadrants, I guess.)

MN: .I. dont carE which 

MN: just somEthing

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I just thought maybe if you need someone to talk to more, or something, I mean...) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(We already like each other a lot? And know each other, and we kind of already talk, and... stuff.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And, I mean, I'm not saying permanently, or anything, that would probably be weird with everything, but we're friends and friends are supposed to be there for each other?)

MN: arE you offEring

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Yeah!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Um.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Should I not be?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I'm really sorry if that's weird.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I just thought) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I dunno!)

MN: arE you surE 

MN: .I. mEan .I. know by now .I.m kind of mEssEd up 

MN: and .I. dont want you haVing to dEal with that if you dont want to

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I really care about you, Em, that's why I really want you to be happy, and I think if this is what you think would help you a lot, then I would love to be able to help.) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I mean, I don't think I would be a very good moirail in the long term, and I... don't really want to overstep, or anything, but maybe since a lot of the problems are stuff I already know about, it could help?)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Until you find someone else!)

MN: if yourE surE 

MN: lEts do it 

MN: dont bE afraid to tEll .ME. if .I.m too much though

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I think I'd rather tell you that probably worrying about being too much is not super good for you if you end up being too worried to talk about your problems!)

MN: morE likE uh 

MN: .I. haVE morE than .I. rEalizEd

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I feel like probably everybody does!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Besides, you're really worried in general right now, too.)

MN: .I. 

MN: yEah .I. am

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(So take a rest!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Even if there's stuff going on, it maybe is worth thinking about more tomorrow evening instead of right now?)

MN: maybE somEthing to Eat and somE rEst might hElp .ME. gEt my hEad togEther

MN: its fEEling mEssEd up as hEll

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Yeah, exactly! ／(^ x ^=)＼)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Especially if you feel like that.)

MN: can .I. tExt you somE morE latEr whEn .I.m lEss ExhaustEd

MN: hopEfully .I.ll haVE morE info on .PHERES. and how hEs doing by thEn

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Of course!! I always am okay to text with you guys!) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Except when I'm at work, I guess, which I might be?) 

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Maybe!)

MN: wEll .I. figurE youll rEad it EVEntually if you arE

MN: .I. can hold out until thEn

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Yeah, for sure!)

MN: thanks .KIT. 

MN: .I. apprEciatE you bEing thErE

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And, haha, hopefully you won't have to hold out?)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Oh!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(Um, you're really, really welcome!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(I appreciate you being here, too!)

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<( ／(^ x ^=)＼ )

CC: ／(･ × ･)＼<(And I really, hope you have a good day, Em!)

MN: haVE a good onE .KIT. 

MN: takE carE of yoursElf buddy

--meganeNarcissus [MN] stopped trolling cerebralCottontail [CC]!--

[calvinlepesh]

yes here you go

  Workcrew immediately for incompletion of the run is common for new kids and previous strugglers. Workcrew is named so because it makes u do nothing because u cant do something so instead of WORKing on something because u suck at that you literally work doing nothing. You have to work to keep yourself entertained. Work to keep yourself from going insane looking at that orange peel textured wall. Yikes. work to not fucking freeze too jesus fucking christ fuck whoever controlled the thermostat. just saying. Sure they didnt know or didnt care but fuck them for that. anyway. After the run you come inside go back to ur room if ur not on workcrew you chill for a few minutes while the chef is done cooking for the entire facility. Obvisouly being on wprl crew You dont eat whatever everyone else eats they work they get reward u no work no reward. oats and water and those fucking goddamn apples. fuck They're probably eating some kickass breakfest burrito or A nice blue berry muffin with yogurt. actually I know and still know the food schedule for breakfest and lunch for everyday of the week. It hardly change and very slightly if ever. So i knew what I could've been eating worst part about it is they eat literally inches from you. Your back facing them listening to them eat and salvate smelling all the condiments and fresh bacon. Waiting patiently for all the other students to finish their meals and wash their dishwear and go to their rooms only after do they. Give you your W/C meal. Oats and water fuck me. The worst part about it was after awhile I got so skinny that parker had me start eating a bowl of oatmeal with every meal this is when i was doing decently well but still being full of shit just not as much. But the worst part was I got 2 bowls of it while all other w/c got 1 And i started to even like it. Almost as if my taste buds had adapted over awhile to enjoy the oats. fuck those apples tho sometimes they were a 3 out of 10. best compliment I can give there sorry not sorry. anyway eat ur meal. its time for group. Group is when the entire facility all families and w/c and parker the director sit down commonly in a circle with parker in a chair and the students on the floor but before I left They had been consistently all in the life timechairs except parker who stood at the front of the main room with the students in a movie theatur like fashion without the leveled tiers obviously. but in order of w/c to family 1-5 so work crew being at the very front right feet from parker. During group we would review issues regarding anything and i mean anything wrong with the facility or the students and staff inside of it. It is encouraged and heavily peer supported to tell on each other and to work on themselves and not let anybody even other students or roomates get in your way. WORK ON YOURSELF by Sourrounding yourself with people on the same mission as you and who do the things to suggest they are going to continue to stay on that mission was a huge message that was pushed in a variety of ways at liahona. through team building exercises, group discussion and definitely confrontation. It is common for students to lash out when they're new. Probably cause they're from California and think these motherfuckers cant do shit to me im a minor. Think again, welcome to Southern buttfuck nowhere Literally sand mountains mars-looking Hurricane Utah. Body slam ur bitchass for acing outta line. Talking back blatent disrespect and obviously anything suggesting possilbe physical or verbal outbreak resulted in a restaint. Most staff would warn u like chill out orim gonna put u on the ground. And you'd get in trouble just for that. Sometimes even a little more secretly I think for not following through. but maybe not considering its a change in behavior. im sure it could be situational. Regardless. back to the story. group typically lasted an hour or so sometimes would watch a documentary afterwards sometimes even a movie however those became quite rare as the students or cycle in. Called generations of students. I was the last of my generation for a good amount of time towards the end of my stay at liahona. Depressing very much so. Watching people who go there a year after u graduate before you. U began to believe those insecurities more and more. and if you have struggle throughout your life with putting negative energy in the universe in the form of speech by conversion of energy to your body which is apart of the universe. i know alittle hard to follow but bear with me and try your best. After group you'd either get on or off of work crew based on how well u did at nothing and the little something u do such as workouts the morning run how u address staff members how even how frequent you use the bathroom to see if ur trying to get up. What was cool at Liahona was doing what you were told. being obiedient at all times immediately and when you do fuck up take the mistake and turn it into success instead of letting it slow you down as a failure. With such a poor mindset at Liahona especially towards the middle of my stay. I stayed at level 1 for 16 months. Probably a record not really a bragging thing tho. The point is I sucked at being a normal ass human. Full of attitude and was disobiedent with little to no respect given off the bat to any adult. Like I was the shit... When you're the shit you don't have the same problems that people who arent the shit have correct. So tying all the way back to the hospital metaphor with my secret broken leg. Honestly was probably secret to me as receiving the injuries throughout critical young developmental stages. I had alot of problems being honest because I was the shit and the shit wasnt supposed to be doing all this disgusting and sad. self demeaning outragous nasty stuff. thats all im gonna say. currently. im not ready to open up about my full past for i feel currently it lays at rest where it belongs until decieded otherwise by me. Now.. where were me. I was the shit. after coming out with stuff half assed in anattempt to still look kinda like the shit. they caught me on my bullshit and I spilled the beans. No longer was I the shit. I was shit. They broke me down emotionally. Making me write my story over and over again my entire life all the things I had ever done wrong. Each time I either came out with something new or changed something becasue everything I told my therapist was true but skewed and I lost track of my story. I had fucked myself and they gave me the rope to do it because they wanted me to earn my coniquences no have them given to me based on a hunch. I fucked myself. and unfortunately it was just he beginning for my emotional workouts. For the next two years. I trecked on. Fast forward july 2016 Im level 4 shadowing a new student with a level 3. us three since we are shadowing can talk in the room about rules only and how to teach them. while having our responsibilities with the quote aswell. at this point I could memorize anything. Memorized some crazy shit honestly wish that the content of the quote was more useful in a sense of remembering important things. or things that are commonly remembered by some idk. the point is we were aloud to talk about rules only. this didnt stay over time after me doing well getting to level fucking 4 this was huge for me and I had gotten comfortable and complacent in my position halting any further actions towards bettering myself everyday. exactly what they don't want you to do. We ended up flying our shadow solo which means hes a level one and we cant talk to him anymore and its cbo. basically hes in the big leagues now. But the level 3 and the other roommate who wasnt aloud to talk but was in the room while we shadowed the new student literally everyday for a month or two. And we all started breaking CBO together. basically we literally talked. about any and everything. Eventually getting comfortable doing that after a week or so couldnt have been too much longer than a week or two before guess who our same shadowed new student turns us in... Just like we had taught him to do. He was rewarded heavily. This was 1 july 2016. the 4th was parkers fav holiday does a shit ton of fun shit for everybody and everybody can talk water balloon fights watermelon eating contest hot dogs play basketball freely. fucking board games bro straight up. I had been at Liahona at this time for 2 about to be 3 Fourth of julys at Liahona and they just got better and better problem was I spent all 3 on work crew. top that off I spent all of July and into August on workcrew. It started off as suicide watch run risk and do nothing. literally as worse at it got. You can use the bathroom and sit in this chair. and you can sleep on this mattress with the fans and AC on with no blankets or pillows. So It stayed like that for  a week. Miserable completely miserable. I had finally started doing well got to level fucking four and im on work crew do nothing sui watch run risk and Ive been here for two years sleeping in the commons with no blanket or pillows shivering. Ill still never forget that day parker said I could choose to have a blanket or a pillow. FUCK U THINK? blanket. ez. I was literally giggling with joy that night under its warmth. That whole month slowly and slowly got increasingly easier on work crew and I didnt know why I was even still on It'd been a fucking month this was august 1st. The next day august 2nd 2016 Parker comes in and tells me im finally leaving. This was a really big day for me and brings to me currently some very strong emotions of relief and regret. For I hadn't completely wasted my time at Liahona but then again I typically in the past back then never completed anything. And honestly that is one of my bullshit things that I say to myself. and still have some belief in for good reason to gain perspective from it. Because unfortunately there are things in this world that are bad but also true. Thats just the way things work. There is good in bad and bad in good always. It may be hard to find or the pros out weigh the cons or vice versa. I see the bad, me not taking very good advantage at all of what Liahona had to offer for me at all times. However still gaining from it which is good aswell of course. But the bad being I did waste alot of my time. Now am I completely to blame for the duration of my time there. Yes because I made the decisions that led to me having to be there longer. honestly cause I needed to be there longer. Maybe a slight tiny bit of blame on my father for neglect to anextent of course when it came to life rules and making sure I know and remember them. But at the end of the day I kept myself on the wall and I have taken responsibility and if I havent i will now. I fucked up at liahona and I caused myself to be there for aslong as I was obviously not intentionally but for some reason. Cause I hated myself and nobody felt bad for me. I nolonger desire that attention. Because I know that If that attention is given to me in the quantity desired and by the form of attention inwhich idesired. Would inturn keep me immature as im hiding and nesting away from my feelings rather than pour them out and release the hate and sadness because its no good. it does no good besides grant perspective both to yourself and others. I never brag about giving to the homeless. Truly the reason I bring it up is because I may not have been homeless for very long or hadn't been homeless without atleast a couch or a garage to sleep in. But after enduring just that water down verison of being homeless. I know they need that damn money more than I do. Im not going to be unreasonable and give him everything I have on my card. but typically I give them at the minimum a cig if they want one and a conversation just cause people need to talk to people. whether they're drunk or not sad or happy talking turns our feelings into reality based on what you desire long term and short term almost combined in a way. You can switch up long term desires such as careers and lifestyles however it is not recommended. However also if you are still in a somewhat content mindset settling for like85 percent full on ur content scale. And this is what you need a little change up. Then by all means switch but keep the short term desires because those need to work first. Before you even decide what you want from life and ur existance ask yourself am I happy? If you are not atleast somewhat content with who you are an individual currently. You need to follow what I told you earlier. You need to dig deep in your heart and soul and mind. Focus on the center of your chest. thats where i feel my soul communicate to me. And i search it with my mind sending inquizitive thoughts to it for its response. Your body is a rosetta stone in a way for literal human communication (speech) and the vibrations of the universe. And vice versa. your body picks up things from the universe and world that it tells u. Maybe gut feelings? Hunches? A strong feeling for no reason??? EVERYTHING HAS A REASON. And if it isn't this than prove it to me. It proves itself and you can try it for yourself. Find contentment in your preplanned manifestation that we call "The Universe" by recognizing both your current insignificance in the real world possibly currently or maybe never; never in your mind atleast. But also your significance in how much control you have just because of what fucking species you are and all the things you can learn. Know you have significance because this is your world and you already chose how your life is going to end. What will last for you what won't. Because somebody (you u idiot) set it up to happen that way. Say you think im full of shit and just crazy. Let me ask you.... Lets just say for shits and giggles then, that you are God/ superior being so to speak. And you created everything we have ever known. Planets, plants, rocks .people communication, every conversation. EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING WAS MADE BY YOU. so with that in mind given that and the vast amount of knowledge that comes with some power.literally unimaginable because we cant EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND it.  ie You as God know that all good must have evil. So you realize large world thats actually rather small in comparison to alot of other fucking planets. Maybe it makes some people feel inferior maybe it turns people towards hate. But you decieded we're going to make a little safe haven whenthis random motherfucker wants to see if the world is flat. Killed all the indians. negative. USA positive. Rev war possibly hardcore karma for killing indians unlikely but it always is anyways. we win rev war Now we are free. Put Lepesh in free nation in 1999. He reconizes the power of the mind body and soul combined in the trinity. And wants to spread the message that you too can be happy. the suffering can end. Ive been diagonosed with depression add adhd odd ocd ptsd abcd u fucking name it. And they made a killing off of my parents. Granted I was a very problematic child so they started taking me in at a young age. over time with people telling me whats wrong with me. Yeah ima tell them to fuck off cause Im living the life i want to live. I may not know the consiquences are for me choosing to live like such. But I will and When I do I will weild that power given to me in knowledge and spread to you my wisdom. Speech isnt the only way to manifest things into your reality. Any human contact that can be described by and spoken with our apparently primitive words of any language. YOU MUST MEAN HOW YOU FEEL  Currently this is my world and universe because I value very few things about myself in the grand scheme of everything. Given that wouldn't I want the one thing I value a great deal to succeed and fulfill his dreams and have a goodass life? So thats what this mindset program will do. Others will use it becuase their kids are driving them up the walls and they just can't do it anymore. They're about to throw in the towel and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe its for somebody looking for love and they need to realize that u literally must love urself first. You cannot give what you donot already have. Unless you promiss to give which is an entire other problem in itself given that you can never give the love you want to give because you must find it for yourself by dedicating large amounts of time to yourself over time which you cannot do if ur constantly giving your feeling of infatuation and potential 'promise love' IE I promise you one day Ill love you but right now I cant cause I dont love myself. But I promise I will love myself but u wont. U simply wont. Until you learn your worth which by the fucking way bro. straight the fukc up listen. By the way. you decide your worth. The way you decide to change your worth is by finding the opposing core belief about urself the angelic side the white fluffy this is who I truly am side. The I wanna die fuck everything not even worth it this world isnt worth bringing anybody into is bullshit. However nesscessary for a short period for perspective and experiential sake. Bullshit. You manifested bullshit told to you over time in different ways. almost like taking pieces of gum out from underneath tables accorss every resturant you go through for example ur entire life. making a big ball of gross bullshit told to you in the forms of verbal abuse sexual physical. just bullshit. Best thing about bullshit is that it is always bad. The only good in the bad of bullshit is that it give great perspective and it helps this rant lol. Anyways, Realize that angelic force you hold and listen to your mind and heart tell you what you already know. and put it into action by reminding yourself about it as much as possible until its all you really think about. You'll notice key changes in yourself. Keep in mind these some of these effects happened immediately some over time some after forgetting my worth some during forgetting my worth.For myself after finding myself again focusing on the bullshit that isnt true. Radical difference in hesitation to speak to people. and to even what im going to speak. I used to care about everything and project that I care about nothing. It was fucking stupid sad and pretty pathetic actually. very sad now that I think about it. Pretending almost in a way. Sag my pants wear dark and almost shady clothing. ears pierced, quit sports, smoke weed, everything to say I don't give a fuck about anything at all ever and never will. I did it and said it. Of course with periods of absolute disbelief and saddness for I knew the whole time I was living a bullshit fabricated lie that directly stemmed from my self esteem issues and uncertainty in myself and the universe. Im very grateful for my current state of being however unsober. very very helpful and a clear message from myself that I believe I know what I need to do. Or what I want to do. But how? Im not worried about why because Its impossible and highly unlikely that the reason presents itself so early. And so it has before but many a few times and such a long time inbetween instances its almost radical to gamble on such things. Might aswell waste my time doing jack shit sitting on the fucking wall for no reason. Im going to end this in the same fashion I started it to an extent. Unexpected and unrehearsed and will summarize in steps how use this Mindset Program I designed to help those capable enough to over come depression and treat general unhappiness with the combined power of your heart mind and soul. Idk but i wasnt specifically planning on making a book for financial gain although it was a large contributing factor. and I as I sit here and think about what I typed it doesn't matter. Because regardless of what happens I wanted it to so it will in the exact way I want it to effect me. if at all idk if i will lol. Crazy man lifes a trip. I need money and i dont deserve it but I can say confidently currently right this moment I would spend my money according to what I desire in the long term. And it would help me start that journey so I may learn more. and continue to better myself as an individual everyday. or  at the very least do something that shows im a good person. In this world you have to keep your guard up not always but typically a great majority of the time. Given that, it's not hard to see why nobody trusts anybody on anything anymore. For a long time and still to this day a vast majority of humans have and will continue to act good but do bad consistently. They have simply been worshiping there bullshit thoughts. The best thing you can do for such a person who has potentially lost all hope. Or is on that path or near the end of it. Let that person know you love them. Only do so if you mean what you say tho. If you mean the words and they are looking at you when you say it. They will straight the fuck up feel your love. Might not be a fucking serotonin shot but its a little love that they will feel and remind them. Its never too late to change your mindset and find empathy for yourself and the world. Here are the current Finalized step by step instructions on how to use my newly developed highly successful Mindset Program. Guarenteeed to bring about contentment and feelings of joy to those who complete and follow these steps completely... 1.)FIRST OFF DO NOT READ THIS SHIT IF YOU AREN'T OPEN-MINDED OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN IT AGAIN, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF ATLEAST SOMEWHAT UNDERCONTROL.2.)EMPATHY Either Already have or Develop a very hardcore understanding and knowledge of empathy by having gratitude through perspective that you must gain. Gaining perspective can happen in a number of ways. The misfortunate are a great way to lead you to happiness. By giving away your money need it or not. who needs it more. and what are they spending it on. If you were homeless outside in january wouldnt you want to be drunk? you were gonna buy a steak and lobster dinner that night anyway even if you didnt have the 10$ cash you gave to Michael by the dumpster. That inturn puts you indebt in a way to the universe. Almost saying this guy will get something good from this at some point in his life. Could be your friend buying your next meal or an invitation to a crazy party. who knows and who knows when its going to happen. we don't the beauty of it is that you know its coming in some shape or form. infact it might have already paid its debt by making you feel better when you did it???? Put yourself in less fortunate peoples shoes. Take acid as much as you can within reason obviously you don't wanna end up fried as fuck. But definitely trip balls man go learn about yourself and the world. Acid is a key to more knowledge. You swim in it but its like trying to bring water (the knowledge) with you when you get out of the pool. You can never even get close to obtaining all of that knowledge. I just needed enough to know that my life isn't completely fucking worthless cause I truly can control my life and you can control yours. Is so empowering to see it happen first hand. To see success finally coming and showing itself after all this time. The worst part is I knew all of this shit long ago. I was told this stuff in Liahona and They knew we didn't fully get it yet. Now I get it. Finally. wtf. I can control my own life.3.)SEARCH YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR MIND. Literally ask yourself questions like a literal one sided conversation. Ask yourself. What do I desire in my life most? For me? Wife car house maybe a farm cat dog fucking dont care whatever she wants the house to look like. two cars actually. I want a boat. and a stable well paying job and some kickass kids. When do I want it to happen. I decided that before I was here. Because I was apart of the aliens maybe idk lol just a thought. Maybe they let me choose they were like yo man this is where ur coming into this planet. they're dumb but think they're really smart and theres lots of chaos they're pretty bad animals i know its a bad gig to send you into but if you like what you can make happen go for it. I wouldn't come into this world unless I knew that things would work out for me at some point. and idk if today is the day but ive realized again what I had already realized but soon forgotten about over a month after. Either from complacentcey or just down right bad memory. Either way I forgot the path and Now I am back.4.)YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THE BAD AND THE BAD IN THE GOOD For example, for me my bads are so seldom compared to what some people across the universe go through on a daily basis. I have it so good already. Now compared to the rest of my country.. yeah Im not doing very well financially or on some of the selfs. I have the mental capcity and emotional knowledge and strength currently developed from years of deep depression and sadness. Drug abuse and wanting to be numb. Wanting to die or hurt myself. Here I am reconizing the bad in my life the symptoms of listening and believing other peoples bullshit. Reconizing that the bullshit isnt true and was never true. sometimes reconizing a genreal date that you remember yourself starting to believe what people bullshit to you about yourself. Maybe you remember how you felt about yourself before someone called you fat or ugly or hurt u in some way. Remember previous relationships that have cut u deep over time and may even hurt a bit to think about. Remember the fighting and bullshit. But most importantly remember the good times. Ive caught myself many times forgetting the numerous good times had with previous loved ones in almost a desperate attempt to save yourself. Its a protection tactic that completely stops any and all emotional grow. The only way you get stronger is if you do the work. Just like at the gym the only way you get a ripped ass chest or a 6 pack is by doing the fucking work and lifting it. There is no short cut that is worthwhile longterm. Roids give you boobs and shrink ur balls now ur shot on the kids Idea cause u tried to take a shortcut. Same with emotions. using heroin was a big thing for me for awhile i was at a point where I knew it was stopping me from growing emotionally. Because it doesn't allow you to feel anything. you feel numb you don t care. when I took heroin I felt like I really was who I said I was. I overdosed a few months ago and died onheroin. started using again a couple days later. I stopping in November and id be lying if I said it wasnt brutal. so sure I tried to numb the pain with other things. Alcohol is a big one coke, meth, lots and lots of weed, anything that would or could alter my mind besides heroin is what Ive been doing.  Now none of these things are beneficial in the long term except for weed and acid maybe coke if the universe allows it. The opportunity that you desire would not present itself to you without you first creating the desire. I have a desire for drugs. So I have drugs. But Im at the very least smart enough to realize that heroin is if not a complete block of emotions pretty damn fucking close to it. which allows for significantly less emotion growth through the actual feeling of your feelings and emotions. Another big thing that can help is talking about what you discovered about yourself all the bullshit you believed and the statements you have in place to replace them. My previous statement for example Im a fucking loser thats never going to amount to shit. My angelic statement, I've made many mistake and failures in my life at a young age that I wouldn't trade for the world for they have development me into me. You've made it this far havent you?5.) USE YOUR TRINITY TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE STARTING BY FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU TO HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Basically this means find a way to take your new angelic statement created from the good inside the bad and either associate that statement to whatever you see best fit. For example. I have an alarm in the morning that reads! Choose to be happy! with some other notes aswell. And I read that I think to myself. Its a choice. I can use my mind to change my reality over time based on how I feel. I DONT HAVE TO BE SAD ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE DESIRES IN MY LIFE THAT PULL ME TOWARDS THEM THROUGH MY DECISIONS AND ACTIONS CURRENTLY.