#I don't wanna get too much into detail but basically. I distanced myself a lot from posting my work online. for several years actually.

[wally-franks]

So, this is gonna be a bit corny but.. Thank you. Just thank you.

I wish to thank everyone who has left a kind comment and shown their love for my character designs and just my art in general... I wish to thank everyone that engages with my stuff. I with to thank everyone for just everything. It means so much to me that people take the time of their day to appreciate and share my work. And it even means more to me whenever people want to know more about my designs and interpretations of the characters. (I'm unfortunately too shy and too ashamed to share much but.. Maybe someday..) I'm so grateful whenever people talk to me and stuffs..

You are all are such kind souls and all your sweet and loving words have touched me deeply. I truly appreciate the support and I am extremely grateful for everything that has happend the past months. (time flies by so fast.)

Not just that, but I also appreciate the people I met during that time. I want to take a quick moment to express my gratitude for the amazing friends and mutuals I've made over the past few months. You all have made such a positive impact on my time being here and I truly appreciate your presence and support.

Thank you for being there for me and for sticking around. I feel lucky to have you all in my life and I'm excited to see where our friendships go from here!

Thank you.

[factual-fantasy]

26 ASKS! :DD THANK YOU! :}} 🥓

I mean, knowing me I'll come back around to it someday. I love Octonauts and tend to loop back around to that show every so often.. Its just that I've had a lot of uncomfortable experiences in the Octonauts fandom. Especially recently..

I don't really wanna go into detail, but I will say that I've encountered more upsetting situations in the Octonauts fandom, than I have in nearly every other fandom combined. Which is rather surprising considering its a kids show. And also unfortunate, since I don't really feel free to have fun in the Octonauts fandom the way I want to..

I'm hoping that at some point I can get my confidence back and find my way around that fandom and have the fun I want. But for now I'm just kind'a keeping my distance and thinking about it. I don't need any extra stress rn-

@unpopularartist14

I use FireAlpaca! :D As for how to draw injuries and bruises.. hmm.. well.. injuries are different from drawing to drawing and hard to explain.. but bruises? aaa how do I explain it--

Well, for character with pale skin. Like Wario and Waluigi.. I find I just airbrush some deep purples and reds in one spot on their face and put some dark purple/red scratches on top.. and how much purple or red you use depends on the freshness/severity of the bruise. If that makes sense..??

Like- Using this post with the Wario "bros" as an example, the bruise on Waluigi's chin/cheek is a muddy purple and has dark purple scratches on it. I feel like using purple makes the bruise look little older and likes its healed some.

Meanwhile on Wario's chin the bruise is pink/red-ish. Making it look "bloody" and fresh. I think so at least--

AGHHG- sorry, I'm not the best at explaining things. I hope you can look to that post as a reference and draw some bruises. I used the airbrush and pencil tool to draw them if that helps! <:D

@untitled-7613 (Comic in question)

Hmm.. my favorite Disney character.. I know that Disney bought Pixar and now owns all the characters. So I'm trying to think of characters that Disney made, not bought.. and I'm having some trouble remembering the older movies..

I think I liked Tarzan! Though I wouldn't say he's my favorite.. hmm.. I like Mufasa from the Lion King and I like the Genie from Aladdin! I also liked John Silver from treasure planet! (That was Disney right?) But idk if I'd say they're my favorite Disney characters.. hmm..

Now, if you're asking what my favorite Disney/Pixar character is? Well that's easy 👇

@tallchest13-blog

XDD Thank you so much! :DD I'm glad you like it! :}}}}

:x I have not seen the welcome home update-- all my info comes from MatPat/his channels. I'm way too lazy to actually go look into any welcome home stuff myself <XDD

ALTHOUGH!- I have heard that Julie has monster paws! :DD No doubt she has them for different reasons than my Julie, but still! it felt like an Apollos dodgeball moment for me! XDD

I'm not sure why you're telling me all this.. but I suppose I'll put in my 2 cents while you're here-

While some of this is true, this sounds like a rather 1 sided view of Alphys' character. I know most of the Undertale characters are beautifully complex and thought out, Alphys included. And I don't think this view is accurate to who she really is.

For example, as far as I remember she wasn't watching anime to "slack off". I'm sure she was severely depressed and extremely overwhelmed with everything going on in her life atm.

I think it would be a good idea for you to watch some character analysis videos on Alphys. Since I don't remember her very clearly, I cannot defend her very well. But I recall seeing a lot of posts/videos in defense of Alphys and explaining why she did the things she did.

Basically, I think its worth your while to actually look into Alphys and give her a chance! Who knows, after gaining some more understanding of her, you might just like her! :}

WAAAHAAG THANK YOU SO MUCH!! THAT MEANS A LOT TO MEEE!!😭💖💖😭💖

And hey, I get where you're coming from about the whole art theft thing. :( That is my biggest struggle being here on Tumblr. The constant art theft is so disheartening. In fact there were several times in the past where I almost threw in the towel and quit Tumblr all together over it.

But what's kept me around is people like you! :D There's some folks out there that really care about what I make. And are excited to see what I make next! The nice comments they leave me and the engagement with my work has really stuck with me. And it's what keeps me coming back! Maybe someday if you decide to take that first step and post some artwork, you'll find a lotta nice folks that make the art theft seem not so bad :}

Also giant watermarks. Giaaant watermarks that are just annoying to look at. That might discourage art theft <XDD

As for Jevil and Grillby.. In my AU, Jevil has this power to create mirrors and jump from timeline to timeline through them.

At some point when it was just him and Seam traveling together, they wound up in this Snowdin at night. Grillby was about to close his bar but he saw these too tired and hungry people so he let them in.

At some point while they were sitting at the counter and talking to Grillby.. Jevil could feel in his soul that this timeline they were in was about to collapse. Killing everyone in it. Jevil reacted on instinct and grabbed Seam and Grillby's arm and pulled the three of them through a mirror. The timeline was destroyed as soon as they disaapered.

What this meant is Jevil had saved Grillby's life!.. But his AU/timeline no longer existed. All of Grillby's friends and family were gone.. his home was gone.. He was now a homeless wandering traveler just like Seam and Jevil.

Deep down, Grillby doesn't really hate Jevil. He just took the grief of it all really hard and blamed it all on Jevil in response. He wished that Jevil hadn't saved him so he could have just died with the rest of his family.. and not have to experience this grief today..

Overtime he gets better.. and he understands that Jevil didn't want for any of this to happen. Eventually they talk about it a little and they end up on better terms. Maybe even becoming true friends someday. :}

@astaherussy (Recent development post on the Wario "bros") (Old Wario "bros" post) (Old King Boo/Boos post)

Thank you so much! I'm glad you like what I've made! :DD As for Wario and Waluigi.. the main changes I'm working on are visual/design changes. In their outfits especially. And I'm thinking of taking away their hats. They looked obviously very similar to Mario and Luigi's..

When it comes to their story, that is also being developed. I think I wanna keep the aspect of the Mario bros getting in some trouble and the Wario "bros" rescue them. Though with recent developments.. I don't know if the whole thing in Shy Guy woods is gonna work out-

In other news, actually no! :0 I wasn't aware that Spidercrab is so liked, but I am very glad to hear that he is! :DD

And a lot of those vibes was what I was going for! Tired, traumatized, has anxiety but is better at hiding it. Though the father figure is unexpected XD but I guess it fits! He's rather introverted and prefers quiet and space. But he is also the crews medic, and boy does he worry and care too much for his own good. He cares too much about them to spend all his time alone. He not only cares about their physical health, but he cares about them as people.

He wants to be there for his crew. He want's to be the first to notice when something is wrong or one of his crew is unwell. So he tries to participate in all their gatherings. Despite how much he'd rather just go read a book in his hammock <XDD

Though, he is still antisocial/awkward.. so there could have been many times he noticed one of the crew seemed off. But he didn't have the guts to talk to them. So he would go and tip off one of the other crew members to check up on them. Stuff like that I imagine is his way of showing he cares. :}

WAHG! I rambled a bit there didn't I? <XD Well I hope it was a fun read at least- as a thanks for taking interest in Spidercrab! It means a lot to me :}}}

Thank you so much!! And indeed he is! I'm so honored that you remembered him! :DD Though he's looking at some major re-designing and a biiiiit of lore re-structuring too <XDD 💔💔

<XD Unfortunately for many reasons I cannot/will not drink any of the things on that list. But! I can drink water! :D

@badlyblurry

<XDD I suppose so, at the very least I'm dipping my toes in and having some fun!

Hmm.. out of all the Mario games I can remember.. I think red shells from Mario kart got on my nerves the most <XDD

That, or this one very specific Zinger from Donkey Kong country. But I get that a DK game might not count XDD

📢📢SHOUT OUT TO YOU SETH!! :DD 📢📢

Thank you!! :DD

@neo-metalscottic

Ahh, I see, thank you for the info! And I'm glad you like my interpretation of them anyways! :DD

And oh yeah, his children's safety is his #1 priority. He's probably getting Kamek to create more Goomba's and rearranging his troops. Setting up a big chunk of them to just be on watch duty around his land. In case the hero's decide to come back..

He's also probably tightening the defenses around his hidden palace. (Where the Koopalings, Kamek, Kammy and the Blue paratroops all live.) Most likely by stationing more troops there and hiding out there himself. He wasn't able to beat the bros but he will still be an obstacle for them if they ever make it to the palace and try to hurt his kids. (Mario and Luigi wouldn't do that most likely but Bowser doesn't really know anything about them at this point- other than the fact they are very powerful and very scary)

I didn't think much about K rool when I made my version of DK. But that guy and his species are intended to exist and be causing problems on DK's island. Though all the details I'm unsure of.. perhaps its what you said, maybe they want the special beets and fruits that the kongs eat? Or maybe they came from another island that didn't have much to eat and now they're here to take over.?? :00

Sorry, I don't take requests! And my ability to draw rn is rather limited anyways... 😅

BUT! May I direct you to this post and point out a detail in the background? Cici only ate the frosting off her cake slice. So Bibi offered his slice so she could scrape off his cake frosting and eat that too XDD What a sweet brother he is :}

@2006-stupid-thatsme

I am not familiar with those sites.. <:0

<XD Mike was kind of a jerk though. Now don't get me wrong, his voice was killer! But I don't think he really changed as a person by the end of the movie.

If they had put him in the second movie he was gonna need a major personality change in order for me to like him <XD

@candyglumboy

I think its alright. :0 And if I have drawn one of the characters? I cant remember doing it <XD

(In relation to this post)

Aw, I'm sorry that you have to deal with all this. It doesn't sound fun that's for sure. :( But thank you for the info! :DD

@littlelightfish

XDD IM GLAD YOU LIKE HIM!! And these are all good questions! Unfortunately I haven't thought much about these things- so let me make some of it up on the fly- <XDD

I imagined he likes to mess with the crew sometimes and pull little pranks. Its all in good fun! Just a bit of goofin off. And he mostly does it to Coco XDD

Now his favorite crew member.. hmm.. I feel like that might be Ellie. Despite her cold exterior, she had a big heart and really does love her crew. Even the butthead that is Tuna <XDD I can see her getting the other crew members to lay off and give Tuna some space. She is known for cooking food to everyone's specific preference, no matter how much longer it takes to make. And she would do the same for Tuna. Cooking what ever he wants, how ever he wants it cooked.

That really means a lot to Tuna.. if he can count on anything, he can count on Ellie to cook a perfect meal just for him.

Now the crew member that understands him the most would be who ever has had similar experiences to him, right..? In that case it might be Pinwheel. Orrr Coco.. maybe Spidercrab..? Ah, I'm gonna need to do some more thinking on that one <XD

The crew member he doesn't feel so comfortable around could be Cuttlefish. She is very mysterious and some would even say untrustworthy. He is probably spooked by her and doesn't fully trust her. Though I'm also experimenting with Tuna having trouble with authority figures. So mayyybe he's less comfortable around Seafoam and Octo..?? :00

Also thank you for your enthusiasm and interest in Tuna! Its the biggest compliment to me/my OCS 🥰🥰

@raccoons-in-a-dumpster

XD Yup! Its me! And thank you! :DD

@beryl-shade

XDD Do they say that? Are there popsicles in the oceans from that game??

I'm not sure.. I'd assume so..? Keep in mind that these character were made from a game that I know next to nothing about-

Maybe? :00

@yeetmysoulintothevoid (Post in question)

No its not a sexual dimorphism thing, its all about stress, exhaustion, health,, etc.

Peach and Daisy have very thin blue markings (like their species is SUPPOSED to have) because they are well fed, well rested, and pampered as princesses.

Wario and Waluigi's blue markings are very large and puffy becuase they eat garbage, get very little to no sleep, and are fighting for their lives on the daily pretty much- if they had a saver living environment and a secure source of food, their eye bag would be much less noticeable-

Now Rosalina's blue marks are noticeable and puffy mostly due to her grief and depression. And partly because she isn't exactly.. aliiive..? Anymore..?? <:D

And yes! Everyone's ears are emotive! :}} Maybe subtly though. They can perk their ears up or droop them down, much more than a human typically can. But they cant do really fine and quick movements to improve their hearing/listen in a certain direction. Like Dogs, cats and rabbits can for example. Its all slow and mostly intentional movements.

Nope, I don't have plans to finish that comic. The writing was horrible and everyone acted super out of character all in the name of angst. 👎👎👎

If anyone wanted to know the ending, Kwazii was gonna patch Barnacle's face and the rest of the crew was gonna show up in the gups. They get him in a gup, take him to the octopod and he gets situated in the sick bay.

Then Kwazii and Peso have this stupid emotional talk about how Peso feels bad for not being there for the captain and blah blah blah. VERY out of character for Peso. The entire point of Peso's character is that he "helps any creature who is hurt or sick, no matter what." There is literally nothing on earth that could have stopped him from helping his own Captain, no, his friend in his time of need. That writing is juuuust so dumb.

Plus Kwazii was a total idiot in that comic- realistically Kwazii would have taken that situation very seriously and would have listened to anything that Peso told him to do. And even if for some reason he was being stupid and continued to approach the Captain, Peso would have stopped him.

And this is even beyond the fact that this whole comic starts with Captain Barnacles doing a series of very stupid and irresponsible things that he would not do. And then a perfect storm of "whoopsies!" happen ever so perfectly to have him wind on that island.

Over all its a veeeeery bad comic. Not my best! 0/10 would NOT draw it again! XD I don't even want to re-write it to make it good. Becuase that whole situation just wouldn't happen from the start.

Although, I am keeping the idea that Barnacles has a very sensitive nose/face. (Due to him being a polar bear with many muscles and nerves in his face) And if he ever got hit in the nose/face? It would be incredibly painful and he would be very disoriented for a time. But the rest of that comic can go down the drain XD

[zalrb]

hi zal! this is gonna be really long so i apologize in advance! before i get to the subject i just wanna say that ive been putting off this ask for a while now because its about oitnb and that show left a really bad taste in my mouth with the way it handled certain topics and i know you feel the same way. pousseys death was especially upsetting for me. with that being said, poussoso is my favorite ship of all time. at the beginning of the show i wanted to see poussey with taystee and i was kinda upset when it didnt work out (i know you felt the same way) and i was so not expecting to ship poussey with someone else (especially not with brook who was super annoying in the beginning) but their build up was done SO WELL that i started rooting for them way before they even became a thing. i remember watching s3 and feeling their loneliness on a personal level. i could actually really relate to poussey because im a lesbian who lives in a very homophobic area and i struggle with an alcohol addiction, so her arc really hit me. pouesey had so much love to give but didnt have anyone she could give it to meanwhile brook was completely isolated because of the bullying she received and it just made so much sense for them to get together. basically i started rooting for them when brook talked about what norma meant to her and poussey understood her 100%. i just really really enjoyed the wholesome energy they shared in that scene. what i also loved about that scene is how poussey reacted to the hostility brook received from one of the inmates and they just kept adding little details like poussey sticking up for brook and distancing herself from normas group because of the way they were treating her. so when poussey ended up saving brook i was already a bit overwhelmed with how invested i was. and then... the lake scene happened. and i was like... im going down with this ship. they officially became my otp after the lake scene. because after all the loneliness and desperation they experienced in s3 they finally found some peace together. and more importantly they found hope. they kinda remind me of stelena in that way. "you should love the person that makes you glad youre alive" i feel like that describes poussoso to a T. and i think its so poetic that during their first real interaction brook explains her depression by comparing it to putting on a heavy armor everyday and the exhaustion from that and then we see her happily floating in the water while holding pousseys hand and they both look so carefree. and then they actually start dating in s4 and they had so much chemistry and i didnt know what to do with myself. granted they didnt have that many scenes together but it still bothers me how underrated they are because their build up was so beautiful, they had natural chemistry and poussey is portrayed by a real lesbian so theyre wonderful wlw representation. i know you like poussoso too so my question is if you consider them an otp of yours and which scene turned you into a shipper. also what did you like the most about them and why do you think theyre so underrated? again sorry, i know its a lot but i know only one other person who ships them so im really desperate to talk about them 🤣 love your blog sm 🥰

OK. So. The thing about Poussey and Brooke is that when I did watch them as a couple, I thought they were very sweet, they did have this nice, natural chemistry like you mentioned, they did have this sense of peace and being carefree with each other, like you mentioned,

so I liked them in that respect, I liked them for their chemistry because it was a really, really nice, light, gentle chemistry,

but I don't consider them an OTP because I also had a lot of narrative issues with them. The entire time I kept asking myself, what about Poussey? I know they made it seem like she wasn't getting the short end of the stick in that relationship but they didn't give me any reasons to believe that she wasn't.

One of the issues I had with OITNB was how the Black characters in particular were the characters who took in other characters (a lot of whom were racist) who had no one else or who were kicked out by their own groups, the characters who had to educate others and that's how I felt about Brooke and Poussey. She definitely goes through a character arc and becomes a better person through her relationship to Poussey and for you it's a relationship of understanding and growth, which I get for all the reasons you listed, but for me, because Brooke, from what I can recall, didn't add any dimensions to Poussey's character, it just makes for yet another Black female character being instrumental in another character's development and getting nothing in return.

It just was not enough for me that Poussey could understand Brooke, that Poussey could relate to Brooke, that Poussey forgave Brooke (for her racist stereotyping), that Poussey told Brooke she didn't have to worry about not reciprocating the type of physical intimacy that she gives, just like how it's not enough for me that Bonnie tells Caroline I want to be at your wedding because your happiness is my happiness, I just wasn't cool with how much Poussey gave so I liked them and found them sweet but I didn't "ship it" if that makes sense.

In terms of them being underrated, I think some people feel the way I do and I think there was a Brooke doesn't deserve Poussey sentiment and Poussey was just desperate for any kind of non-platonic affection and forgave Brooke when she shouldn't have, and I also think that a lot of the time, despite the constant complaining about it, a lot of viewers are more attracted to the torrid relationships.

[savofid]

Been working on a fanfic for over a year now. Not actively the whole time, really more "a lot to start, big lull, back at it again at Krispy Kreme." Anyways, in all that time, I've rewritten the intro chapter some 4 or 5 times. Still needs to be edited but I'll do that after I at least finish the first real chapter.

But I've got these big, grand ideas for it, along with a spinoff in the concept phase: an alternate timeline. However, while planning this out, cause I wanna be able to write with functional plot points and not make it up as I go, I'm looking at the CYOA system I'm using and I'm just confused. Not by the system or anything regarding the rules, but by my reaction to certain things.

People that know me personally would not describe me as prudish. When given the proper audience and a fitting segue, I have plenty of stories about some fairly unorthodox things I've done with my exes and by myself. However, when it comes time to write a scene that even tries to express love, let alone sex, I never want to.

Most people would assume that means that I'm bad at it or something because who wants to do the things they're bad at? Fair point, but I'm quite capable of writing erotica. I can go into full detail about how you should structure your sentence and which words fit best for a certain mood or how to make a sentence feel sexy, how to influence the breathing of the reader themselves and get them into it, too. Believe me, I can do that. Plenty of experience with long distance relationships and gently building anticipation over days or weeks, and that was just the foreplay to the foreplay.

It's using third person limited as a perspective in those scenes that I don't like. Maybe it's the vulnerability that the characters are sharing with each other and using the moment to keep our eyes fixed behind theirs, knowing their thoughts and feelings, that makes it feel wrong in some way. To watch, to listen, to experience it through them feels like a betrayal of their trust, this rapport we've established with them as we've journeyed together since the beginning. Who are we to invade their most intimate of moments?

I know most people would likely say, "Savo, they're not real. It doesn't matter." They might not be real but I still care about em. I want to see them happy and healthy and where they needed to be, and I'm the author that can make that happen but they're working for it just as much as I'm working to get them there. Some moments write themselves, a natural conclusion built out of what's long been established, not some Superman power of the week, but writing a character that would both draw him in and keep ahold of him long enough to stick in his life is gonna be extremely difficult and hard to justify. I can "make" them do whatever, yeah, but that's not a good story. Why is she there? Why him? What drew you in to want to spend time with this guy? What motivation would one have that would make them want to actively spend time with a guy who can't do basic math, travels around with a bunch of strange animals, and openly admits that his goal in life is to "fight (God)." He's clearly deranged, likely on some intense drugs, and possibly homicidal. This is not a safe person and alarm bells should be sounding to get away.

Without context, sounds insane. It's a Waifu Catalog-ish SIOC CYOA jumpchain that starts in Pokemon with its second stop being in Star Trek. Both similarly utopian, but much different in size, scope, and intent. Also no Pokemon in Star Trek, so gonna be tough trying to explain away one, especially if it's actively on fire, made of magma, or a sentient pile of garbage or slime. He wants to have a fistfight with Arceus because he thinks that it was Him who interfered in his Isekai and sent him to the manga version of the universe instead of the game version, resulting in him almost getting mauled to death by a group of angry Rattata. He's sworn an oath of vengeance.

Anyways, moves on to some federation colony and starts learning some math and science because what would be basic education there is guaranteed beyond college level stuff in today's day and age. It's at the school that I want him to meet his first true friend of the journey, someone hell be in and out of a relationship with for a number of years to come, failing every time until they decide to just be friends, moving on with their lives, and time passes. There's a quiet in their conversations, the knowing that that might be failing, too. They've become different people than they were before, and worry sinks like a stone into their stomachs. In some instinctive urge to put your all in just before it looks like death, they crash together one more time and it works. They've both grown and matured and become the one that the other needed, which led that sputtering ember to finally ignite a roaring blaze within their hearts.

The scene I'm worried about writing isn't gonna even happen for the next few real life YEARS at this rate, somewhere around the midway point of Arc 10 or 11 with another 7 or 8 beyond that, so the ⅔rds mark in the story, which is where it happens best because it often leads into the story's climax. Two people fall in love, bad guy learns about it, innocent partner is now a hostage and hero but fight to save their love. Those sorts of tropes.

But, again, what draws her in? What motivates her? Why does she want to be his friend? Why does he want her as a friend? Does he want friends this time around? Does he even want to try again with another potential ex? What's the point? He'll be moving on in time, so why bother putting down any roots at all?

Then again, he did just spend a year wandering the first two regions and suffered some pretty rough injuries throughout. Probably wants to take it easy and that's always best with friends. I've made really close friends over less, like a girl who worked in my office and at my old desk from before my mental break. Came in for two days straight and she was just gone. No one asked about it. Third day, she was back for only a few hours and just spent that whole time crying. Last day of the work week and she's back and still just crying at her desk. After about an hour of it, I decided that I was done hearing her cry and was gonna drag her out of this slump if I had to. I miss you, Jess.

But, again, why is she drawn to him? What is her motivator, the very thing that drives her to try him of all people? Maybe she's smart and is tutoring him? Nah, that's tired. Big dumb jock is failing a class and he gets the average looking nerdy girl as a tutor, but he's actually got a sensitive side and she falls for him but the popular girls don't like it so they bully her by pretending to be friends with her just to learn her secrets and publicly embarrass her, but she's too worried that BDJ will see her differently now and he actually still cares. Very tired formula.

I think I've got it: it's initially for selfish reasons. Not only is she smart and a bit of a geek, but she's an astrobiologist. He has living, breathing Pokemon. Also, Star Trek is just set in the future, so it's possible that maybe some Pokemon cards or games survived, especially digital copies, and she just so happens to be a fan. Basically, she's a weeb and a dude just showed up one day with a group of very real Pokemon. Dude just walked out of a literal manga and into her life.

Cool. Thanks, void. You're a good listener.

[jd-loves-everyone]

Chapter 2: Kim Seungmin

I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I know that it was during his mom's (my mom's best friend) birthday, that I met Kim Seungmin.

The moment I stepped into the house, I could tell that, despite being a single mother, Ms. Kim was doing very well for herself. I can't really recall what her job was exactly, but I think it had something to do with tourism.

And as I stepped into the wide living room, I could guess that the party would probably get boring pretty quickly, if not downright annoying. This because of the too high number of kids (much younger than me) that I could see walking (some crawling) around, along with who I assumed were their mothers sat on the sofa, sipping champagne and laughing (obnoxiously) loudly.

"Oh my, is this your little girl? She does look just like you, I have to agree." I turned my attention back to the host, an adult woman (on the younger side) dressed to the nines with expensive and incredibly shiny jewelry. Ms. Kim. I greeted her politely, while standing next to my proudly grinning mother.

"She truly is a beauty. I bet the boys go crazy over you. Oh, you must be around my son's age, I'm sure he'd LOVE to meet you! Seungmin, darling! Come over here, meet Hana, Mrs. Park's daughter. She's just a year older than you, I believe."

A hazelnut brown haired boy walked over from the living room sofa, where he had been sitting, surrounded by children.

Despite being younger, Seungmin was quite a bit taller than me, with broad, but shyly hunched shoulders covered by a simple but expensive-looking pale pink sweater, paired with blue jeans and black sneakers (all seemingly of the same, high, level of quality). His hair was wavy and looked incredibly soft, covering his forehead and only showing a small sliver of the middle of it. He had a long angled face, ending at a square chin, with a mole next to his mouth and a straight nose. For some reason he reminded me of a puppy, a beagle to be exact. No idea why.

He smiled tightly and politely, the type of smile most would show in a situation like the current one. I could bet he would look much cuter with a genuine smile.

"Well, why don't you two go and get to know each other? Me and Mrs. Park over here, have a lot of catching up to do." Ms. Kim said jokingly, laying a hand on mine and Seungmin's shoulders and gently directing us back to the living room, as both ladies walked to the balcony. Ms. Kim took out a cigarette as they did. I could have guessed she smoked, no amount of expensive perfume (even if it was a lot of it) could fully cover that distinct smell of smoke.

I sat next to Seungmin on the couch, opposite of where the other older women were sitting, chatting loudly, still. In clear contrast to them, were us, sitting in absolute and tense silence.

Every time I thought of starting a conversation, I talked myself out of it, thinking that he'd do it instead. But he never did. He seemed pretty content with just sitting in relative (but definitely awkward) silence.

I quickly grew annoyed at having to listen to the women screech about everything that didn't matter in the slightest to me, like the latest trends and who was dating who at the moment. So, I turned toward Seungmin to try to figure out what he was thinking of the situation.

Unlike what I imagined, I turned to find him fidgeting and squirming in his seat while his eyes darted around the crowded room. Seeing as he showed outwardly what I was feeling inside, I decided to finally try to evade the situation.

"Look, I don't wanna be here. And clearly, neither do you. So, you know any place we could go to where it isn't so loud?" I asked somewhat impatiently making my accidental companion flinch from the suddenness of my question, scrambling for an answer.

"Well, my room has a balcony. It's pretty quiet there, I think."

"Then, what are we waiting for? Let's get out of here before I lose any more brain cells from listening to whatever uselessness those ladies are talking about over there." I said exasperated, already getting up from my seat as Seungmin quickly did the same. That seemed to make his lips twitch slightly. It was gone the next second, as if it had never been there to begin with, which piqued my curiosity: 'what would his real smile look like?', I wondered.

We headed to his room (thankfully unnoticed as I didn't want to even try and explain the situation we were in). It was big, but seemed smaller than it actually was due to all the clutter littered around. Despite this it still seemed to be very aesthetically pleasing, as the warm brown walls paired with the yellow string lights hanging around the room (which I only noticed after he flicked the light switch) and the soft and fluffy caramel carpet created a soothing and cozy atmosphere. A detail that caught my attention almost immediately after the lights were on (besides the string lights) were the various printed photos hanging from ropes on more than one of the room’s walls. It just helped with making the room feel as if it had been taken straight out of an interior design catalog.

Upon closer inspection, as Seungmin busied himself with trying to open the sliding door to the balcony, the pictures didn’t look anywhere near what I’d expected. They certainly didn’t look like the work of an amateur, the angles were creative and eye catching and the light and framing always seemed to be just right in each and every one. I was caught off guard by the quality of all of them for a moment, before my eye caught onto something atop a shelf to my right. A VERY expensive-looking white camera.

I realized it made sense as I thought back to the car ride from my suburban house to the apartment complex where he lived, in the fancier part of town.

Seungmin groaned in frustration as he struggled to open the balcony door.

“Is it jammed? Do you need my help?” I ask as I watched him wrestle with it for a moment longer before taking a deep breath and turning toward me.

“No, it’s not and no, I don’t. This door just needs a little… finessing, is all. So don't worry about it.” He tried reassuring before going back to trying to tug the door open, although with how skinny his arms looked (even under his fashionably bulky sweater), I had my doubts that he would be able to get the door open.

But I was proven wrong as, only a moment later, (by means of finesse indeed) he was finally able to open the hellish glass door.

“It’s old and I use it a lot, so it needs to be fixed, which we were supposed to do a while ago but whatever. Doesn’t matter. Come on.” He said absentmindedly, finally stepping outside. I quickly followed suit.

Once I stepped foot onto the white-tiled floor, I was hit with a gust of wind which brought with it an air much colder than the atmosphere inside the house had been like. And I mean MUCH colder, to the point where it didn't even help cool down my steaming cheeks, (which I only realized were so at that moment) only serving to basically freeze them instead. But I have to say, the view was worth it.

Living in the suburbs had a lot of perks in comparison to this part of town, such as the peace and quiet, and how everyone seemed to know each other. But I realized in that moment that none of it could compare to the view of the city skyline at night from Seungmin's balcony.

The lights of the buildings in the distance seemed to shine like stars and the shape of the tall and skinny buildings of the city were such a stark contrast to what I was used to that I just couldn't tear my eyes away. Of course I could hear the sounds of traffic from my house, but the night seemed much quieter than I had expected. The whole atmosphere was so different that it seemed so captivating to me just because of my curiosity.

It seemed like my curiosity wasn't wholly to blame for my astonishment at the scene, as Seungmin quickly disappeared back into his room to fetch something, as I leaned onto the metal railing, eyes still locked onto those bright lights that reflected off of the shiny windows of the fancier buildings. The city really never slept, I realized.

The boy returned not a moment later, camera in hand as he stood beside me, pointing it at where I was looking, then fiddling with some buttons before the sound of a photo being taken sounded over the now calmer wind, all as I observed him keenly.

As he continued to take his photos, seemingly unbothered by my staring, I turned back to the view, laying my cheek against my palm as I gazed at the sky. It made me think about how (unfortunately), because of all the artificial lights, I couldn't see the stars. But it made sense to me, in a very weirdly poetic way. If you can see all these "stars" on earth, why would you even look for stars in the sky? Plus, with the life people led these days, I guess it didn't really matter much.

I was brought out of my reverie by movement at the corner of my eye. Seungmin had raised his pristine white camera, aiming it at the side of my face, seemingly framing the shot, before pulling his face away from the viewfinder to look at my face himself but keeping his hands in the exact same place.

"Um... I know this is weird but, can I take a picture of you?" He asked nervously, but seemingly eager.

"Sure, why not?" I answered nonchalantly, trying my best to keep down the blush that threatened to spread across my cheeks, despite the cold. To even think that someone like him, who seemed close to a professional's level at such a young age, would consider including me in one of his photographs was flattering enough, much less making me the center of it.

I tried my best to relax and focus on the soft clicks the device emitted every time a photo was taken.

The boy finally parts from his machine, overlooking his work and nodding to himself, seemingly satisfied. He leaned the camera toward me so I could look at it myself and my breath is immediately taken from me.

I would never consider my appearance to be anything extraordinary (and I still wouldn't do it now) but perhaps it was Seungmin’s magic that made a picture of me look like so much more. The way the golden lights lit up my face by settling into the smooth planes of skin made it resemble liquid gold, dripping from the sky and thinly covering my exposed features. My eyes reflected the same lights, shining like stars in an endless and dark sky.

“Wow… Seungmin, you really have a talent.” I chucked, still astonished.

“I do have to say, this might be my best one yet. Can I…?”

“Keep it, it might be my face, but it’s your vision so it belongs to you in my eyes.” I shrugged, dismissively. He nodded gratefully, raising the camera once again towards the view beyond the balcony as I sat against the wall next to the door.

After a few minutes, Seungmin sat beside me with a satisfied smile on his lips and hair tousled from the wind that had picked up.

I felt an involuntary shiver crawl up my back as the cold air grazed my thinly covered arms. I subconsciously leaned closer to the brown haired boy, seeking for some warmth, as I remembered that I had left my jacket in the coat hanger by the front door, downstairs.

I sighed defeatedly, about to go get it, but it seemed as if my shiver had not gone unnoticed, as I had hoped. Seungmin got up before I could, walking back inside his room without a word. I looked at the door that he had gone through curiously.

Not even a second later, he stepped back out onto the balcony, with a tan, soft and warm looking coat in his hand. He held it out to me wordlessly, motioning for me to take it. I did so with a grateful smile and a small 'thanks'. It was still too small for my liking, though.

I wanted to know if his gums would show or if his eyes would disappear behind his cheeks.

“I think we should go inside now.” I suggested after the temperature had gone down too much for us to stay comfortably on the balcony any longer. Seungmin nodded, not finding the lights interesting enough to endure the cold air any longer.

We moved back inside and as Seungmin closed the sliding door behind us I took another look around the room. As I scanned the coffee-colored walls again, I noticed something that I seemed to have missed the first time I had examined the space, possibly due to the awkwardness I had felt as I stepped into the room of a boy I had only just met for the first time. I was a bit disappointed and confused as to how I could have missed it.

The wall opposite the one I had been inspecting as I waited for Seungmin to finally open the door, was covered (almost floor-to-ceiling) in photographs. Some were bigger than others, some seemed older than others, but they all had the same sort of… style to them. From how the light hit the subject in focus, to the angles, it all had the same artistic flare that would commonly be found in the most prestigious art galleries in the world. Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement, but it perfectly encapsulated what I felt as I looked at what I saw as indisputable masterpieces.

I let out a sound akin to a sigh, feeling as if the air had been knocked out of me. Sure, the picture Seungmin had taken of me on the balcony was unbelievably stunning, but that could be excused as luck. I never thought he’d be able to capture a moment so beautifully one other time, let alone enough times to cover almost an entire wall with.

“Wow… These are amazing, Seungmin.” I turned towards him as he stopped beside me, blushing at my praise.

“Oh, they’re nothing…” He said, looking down sheepishly.

“No! They really are! I may know next to nothing of photography, but it doesn't take an expert to see that you have an incredible talent or just remarkable skill.” I said earnestly, seeking out his eyes that had become hidden as his head lowered in shyness to prove my honesty, making him even more flustered as he tried his best to avoid my awe-stricken gaze.

“Well… I do spend a lot of time on it.” He relented, finally accepting my compliments, albeit rather bashfully.

“It shows.” I said firmly, turning back to the wall of moments.

From the corner of my eyes I caught a small, but more significantly sized, real smile, brought on probably by the ease in tension.

We spent the rest of the night in his room, getting to know each other. His smile (the real one) never left his lips as we talked about his love for photography. In fact, it only seemed to broaden the more we talked and the more relaxed we became. Its brightness never dimmed, even as we moved on to other topics, such as his other friends and what school he frequented. I found out that he didn’t have many friends, but he didn't seem to mind, he actually seemed to prefer it that way which made me feel like an exception. And, although I wouldn’t admit it, it made a warm feeling bloom in my chest.

As the night came to an end, we were called downstairs, back to the living room, where mine and Seungmin’s mom waited, alone as no one else remained in the space.

We bid each other goodbye, Ms. Kim making a comment about how I should visit more often, making my mother laugh as Seungmin returned to his shy demeanor.

I later found out that he had chosen my high school to frequent through Jeongin, the 1st year student that I mentored in English, who was apparently also Seugmin’s best friend. Once I met with the boy again and asked why he hadn’t told me, he explained that he wanted to but every time we talked we’d get carried away in our stories and he’d always forget.

Moving schools midyear couldn’t have been easy for him, but he seemed to quickly become very popular amongst not only the students but the teachers as well. He was polite, friendly, helpful and the top of his class in grades. And despite it being only his first year of high school, everyone from his teachers, to his mother and even my own, could tell with clear certainty that he had a bright future ahead of him. I myself knew that, encouraging him as he started thinking about studying abroad, even as I briefly acknowledged the ache that formed in my chest at the thought of him doing so. I didn’t know exactly what that ache was due to, but I didn’t think I was ready to find out yet, so I continued to brush it off. Until a very special evening that is.

In light of Seungmin joining the photography club, his keen eye was quickly noticed by not only his classmates, but most importantly by his teacher, who decided to talk to him about the possibility of participating in our district’s photography contest. Something he had immediately said ‘yes’ to.

The 10 best were invited to a lavish event where the winner would be revealed. And it came as no surprise to me that Seungmin was invited. What did come as a surprise, was him asking me to attend the event with him. He said it was fitting, since one of the entries he submitted was the first photo he took of me, the one on the balcony. After getting over the initial surprise, I agreed without hesitation.

But now, staring at the museum’s grand staircase in my knee-lenght, flowy, peach colored dress, I felt my stomach twist itself into more knots than I had in my hair when I woke up that morning. And as the cold, spring night air brushed my bare legs I simultaneously wanted to stay where I was, rooted to the ground and holding tightly onto Seungmin’s arm, while also wanting to go in and just getting it over with so that I could escape the cold.

A reassuring squeeze on my hand put a pause on my anxious thoughts as I turned towards the puppy eyed boy I was here for.

As I looked him over once more I felt my mood brighten a bit, I almost wanted to giggle. He was sharply dressed in a simple black tuxedo with a yellow tie, that he said he had chosen to try to match my dress. But it wasn’t the brightly colored tie that almost made me laugh despite the mood I was in.

It was simply the image of Seungmin, who basically only wore jeans and loose-fitting shirts and hoodies despite his mother’s insistence in telling him that he had to look his best at all times, wearing such formal clothing that caused such a reaction.

His cheeks were colored pink as he, seemingly, chose to focus on the spot above my left eyebrow instead of looking me in the eye, which reminded me of what had transpired just minutes before.

As I arrived at his house before the event, so we could arrive together, I was immediately warmly greeted by Ms. Kim, who told me that Seungmin would be ready in just a moment. We made small talk about school as we waited, and soon I heard the sound of footsteps approaching the entrance.

As Ms. Kim stepped aside to look at her son, my eyes immediately locked onto the vibrant tie he had previously told me he would wear, before moving up to his face, which was a sight in and of itself.

His lips were parted in awe and his cheeks were flushed a light pink, which darkened as he locked eyes with me, prompting both of us to look away shyly.

“You look— Ahem. You look lovely.” He said, voice cracking midway.

“Thank you! You look pretty… Snazzy!” I don’t think I’ve ever regretted saying something as much as in that moment.

As people continued to enter the building, we still stood outside, trying to calm each other’s nerves more than our own. Seungmin tried his best to look me in the eyes and give me a reassuring smile, but it ended up being none of that. A for effort nonetheless.

“Let’s just get this over with.” I finally said, trying to appear nonchalant and unbothered as I quaked in my low black heels.

As we stepped into the building, Seungmin’s mother left the both of us alone to go socialize and we were left to our own devices. We decided to pass the time by looking around at the other participants.

We walked among the crowd of mostly adults who looked at us as if we were supposed to be somewhere else, it was unnerving to say the least. To quell our nerves we poked fun at things such as the models’ poses and the weird props used in some pictures. We were both well aware that what we were doing was probably disrespectful (if the artists were to overhear us) and that others were probably doing the same to our photos, but we couldn’t help it, they just looked too pretentious to not make fun of. What did they expect from two highschool kids?

I genuinely hoped that Seungmin was chosen as the winner, and not because he was my friend (at least not entirely). But because all the entries we had passed by didn’t seem to have any genuine emotion put behind them, or any creativity. They seemed like those art pieces that appear to portray a deep message but would seem like nonsense to anyone that had even a semblance of common sense and wasn’t content in just going along with whatever some high and mighty creator threw them. Not to mention the fact that most seemed to be relying only on their expensive cameras to win them the prize instead of actually putting any real thought or effort into their photos.

I knew I was nowhere near an “art-connoisseur”, I wasn’t even a contestant, but after spending so much time with Seungmin and his heartfelt pieces, I had formed my own opinion on art.

Just as we started to run out of “humorous critiques”, unknowingly almost wandering into a closed off section, a nearby speaker declared that the winners would soon be announced and for all the guests to gather in the main room.

Many eyes locked onto us as we entered the large (but slightly cramped) room. (Or was that just my nerves?) Just as I thought, we seemed to be the youngest people in the room as far as I could see (which wasn’t very far as everyone was so tall, and my heels barely helped), except for some kids who were very clearly some contestant’s children. It made me feel proud for Seungmin and intimidated, at the same time.

I unconsciously began to curl into myself, clenching my fists at my sides and chewing on my bottom lip as anxiety began to wash over me, slowly but surely. I began wondering if Seungmin even had a chance to win, how heartbroken I thought he’d be if he lost and what the other contestants found so interesting in us to keep staring as I knew they were as we approached the front of the room where a small platform was raised, behind it were the paintings competing. The lady next to us gave us an odd look, as if she thought we might be lost, but didn’t say a word.

As if noticing my distress, or perhaps to ground himself, Seungmin’s hand snuck between my hand and my side, the tip of his fingers tentatively hovering over my palm as if wanting to hold my hand but unsure if he could. With an uncharacteristic burst of confidence, brought on by the need to hold onto something, I interlocked our fingers tightly, squeezing once for comfort.

A man stepped on stage, asking the crowd to quiet down, and it was as if my brain had listened to his command and suddenly everything became quiet. Looking at the boy beside me, his expression seemed to reflect the same emotions, but as he noticed my stare he managed to conjure up a vaguely reassuring smile.

I felt more than a little silly for being so stressed out over something that Seungmin probably would just brush off, but the idea of how elated he would become if he won was just too perfect to be taken away from me. I just wanted to see him happy. No matter what.

And as my mind zeroed into that thought, the realization of a fact that had actually always been there hit me. It was so obvious that the meaning never fully registered.

I wanted to see Seungmin happy, no matter what, and the implications that were previously lost on me now came to light. It was more than friendly, that was for sure.

As the man on stage went one with his speech, my mind lingered on precious images I had saved in my brain, like Seungmin’s smile. His genuine smile and not the stiff and fake version he first presented to me. I felt how much joy and comfort it brought me.

All his pictures, and how many emotions they brought me.

How he always called ME first when he wanted to take a specific picture because I was apparently his favorite model.

How my heart would skip a few beats when Jeongin mentioned that he’d said something about me, always wondering what exactly it had been but never asking.

How warm and soft his hand felt in mine, and how much comfort the simple action of holding his hand brought me.

It all made me realize that there was something there, something strong and important.

And once my mind shifted back to the situation at hand, the third place had already been announced and the second on its way to the stage. This meant one of two things, either Seungmin would be first place, or he hadn’t even reached the podium. I prayed for the first option, but expected the second.

So I looked back to the young boy’s piece, and all the memories and emotions it held.

It was a photo taken in Seungmin’s balcony, of me leaning against the metal railing. My face was dark as I faced away from the unfocused colored lights behind me and towards the camera. My hair was wet from the rain, droplets running down my face and neck towards my floor-length dress, which from what I remember was way too thin as I started sneezing almost immediately after the long time it took to get that picture to be perfect. I couldn’t see or recall what my expression was since all that could be seen of my front were the minuscule bits of light some droplets reflected.

I remembered the moment Seungmin saw the dress on me, he seemed to have an epiphany, immediately demanding that we needed to have a photoshoot with it. It was nothing special in my eyes, but he seemed to see something in it.

He was immediately taken with the picture as he saw it first in his mind and then on his screen, much like he had been with the one he took on the night we met (which he, at first, wanted to use as his submission to the last stage of the competition, until I managed to make him understand that it just wasn't enough). It was colorful, bright, full of youth and life, in my eyes.

“And the winner is…” The announcer said, making my grip on Seungmin’s hand become impossibly tighter. And as the name of the winner was spoken and I registered that it wasn’t my friend’s (or maybe more) name, my shoulders dropped and my hand went lax in the boy’s hold. I looked at the winner's piece, in search for some answers or closure, for a turmoil that wasn’t really mine to feel.

The older man’s piece was a picture of a meteor shower, rare and undoubtedly beautiful. The stars shone in the sky just like the rain had on my skin, yet to me, they seemed so different.

I searched my brain for answers to why this was so much better than our piece, fundamentally ours had more layers, even more colors. And it had a story, of all the times we spent alone on that balcony sharing dreams and visions, and as far as the judges knew the story could be much different, much deeper and…

Then I realized what went wrong. The judges couldn’t score a piece simply for what it could be, but for what it was. The meteor shower was a beauty of nature, unquestionable and clearly on display to all, while the beauty of Seungmin’s photo seemed to be wholly personal, something that perhaps not all could see or feel the full weight of. I felt silly for letting my emotions cloud my vision for so long and so intensely but with my new found feelings for the boy, it wasn’t all that surprising. It still didn’t take away the feeling of my heart being shattered into many tiny pieces as Seungmin was announced as being in fourth place. Fourth place! So painfully close. But what really hurt, was the tight and insincere smile he presented to me after giving what he probably hoped was a reassuring squeeze of my hand, but actually only served to stomp on the tiny pieces left of my heart, shattered through pure disappointment and sadness.

All the other adults were quick to begin mingling as soon as all the names were announced. I released a sigh.

“Fourth place, for the first time, isn’t terrible. I think.” Seungmin said, positively, and what I managed to grant him as a response was a low hum of sad and resigned agreement.

Figuring that the night was technically over for us, as we had nothing else to do in that space since we weren’t about to begin socializing with a bunch of adults who still looked at us as if we didn’t belong there, we walked to the entrance room, Seungmin sending his mother a text to come to us.

“Excuse me! Are you Kim Seungmin, perhaps?” Said a middle-aged man as he approached us with a smile.

“Yeah- I mean, yes. That would be me. Did you need something?” The boy asked nervously, clearing his throat.

“Yes! I need to talk to you! I think it’s impressive that you even managed to get this far with your age, and to be fourth place as the youngest competitor just shows how much potential you have! I commend you for your work and passion!” The man said excitedly.

I once again tuned their conversation out, only coming back to the present to send the occasional polite smile and to walk to the car once Seungmin’s mother arrived (and was done speaking to the lively man).

A certain possibility which caused me both joy and sadness loomed over me as we got back to the Kim family apartment, me and my friend walking up the stairs towards his balcony to sit in as we waited for my mother to come pick me up, as she had insisted on doing.

My beautiful dress did me no favors against the cold wind of the balcony, leaving me curled up in front of the glass sliding door facing the bright city lights while shivering slightly, but not thinking for a moment to go get a jacket and I did all that on autopilot.

Just as the cold was starting to sober me up and break me out of my trance, a jacket (too large to be mine) was laid across my shoulders, before Seungmin sat beside me. That tan, warm and soft jacket from what seemed like so long ago.

“Why do you look so down? If it’s for me, then there's no need. Fourth place really isn't that bad, plus, and you probably weren't paying attention but the man me and my mother talked to offered me a chance to get a scholarship! In the states no less! I mean, first I have to apply and a spot isn't exactly one-hundred percent guaranteed, but I got a pretty good chance!” He very much reminded me of a puppy in that moment, ecstatic and jumpy, full of smiles and talking so fast that he became slightly breathless.

I battled with myself. He clearly seemed excited over the prospect of studying abroad and although it felt like my life’s mission at that moment was making him as happy as possible, I really, really, didn’t want him to go. To be so far away from me.

“And I know it makes very little sense, but… I want you to come with me. Don’t think about it too much, or you’ll stress yourself out but I feel like you made this opportunity possible, so I’d love to have you by my side. What do you say? I mean, you don’t have to say it now, we still have time. But, maybe you could give me a pointer?” He looked at me with those big puppy eyes full of hopes and dreams, begging to not be shattered.

He was right, the whole thing didn’t make a lot of (if any) sense, and it seemed like he was just riding the good mood he was in, but the answer still seemed to matter a lot to him.

Truth be told, I had absolutely no intention or interest in studying abroad and even though it was a priceless opportunity for Seungmin, I didn’t want him to go either. I didn’t want things to change so drastically. I wanted to keep him warm smiles and comforting touches near (and possibly all to myself).

But he was right, it wouldn’t happen for at least a couple of years, so truly there was no need for a definitive answer.

“I’ll think about it.” I said to which he nodded, seemingly pleased, before turning his gaze to the mesmerizing lights of the city.

Even though I said what I said, I knew my real answer already. I truly didn’t want to go.

But as I looked at his side profile, the faintest (but cutest) ghost of a self-satisfied smile on his lips, I knew that I would do anything for even that smile, which was so small and probably careless, even if it meant taking Seungmin halfway across the world, and away from me.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: What it is, right, your twin left her coat at CG earlier & it's my neck if it's not back in her hands by me next shift Jimmy: pass it on Janis: Hmm Janis: Are you sure you've got the right person here? Jimmy: Grace Cavante is your sister isn't she? One of Janis: Unfortunately Janis: No doubt she'd rather you gave it to her yourself and that feeling is mutual, like Janis: Get a clue, lad Janis: couldn't be less obvious 'less she left her knickers Jimmy: Stop your chatting, a sec Jimmy: nowt's mutual that's why I'm asking you to get it, not her Jimmy: The resale's nowt either, I had a look Janis: You're in my inbox? Janis: Knew you were lost Janis: Poor Gracie, first you pie her then you call her cheap, gutted Jimmy: I've been round your family tree about 4 times Jimmy: Can't call myself lost Jimmy: You gonna grab this or nah? Janis: Unlucky, but I ain't gonna cry for you Janis: Wrong twin, again like Janis: What's in it for me? Already told me I can't flog it Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: well I'd shout you a muffin but if you're anything like her, I'll be the one eating it when you don't & I'm watching my figure meself Jimmy: guess the pleasure of my company works if you are? Janis: Tell you ain't from 'round here Janis: No 🍀 Janis: Nothing like her Jimmy: sounds more like my luck's finally in Jimmy: got enough stalkers Jimmy: more than I've done shifts Jimmy: what you want then, other twin? Janis: Not that I doubt how special you are Janis: I completely do, by the way Janis: You get to thinking how you can make me having to fucking regale every detail of this frankly riveting convo to my sister worthwhile and I'll get to walking, yeah? Jimmy: You wound me, girl 💔💔💔💔 Jimmy: I sought you out, whereas she's been in my inbox unread since my moving in date, that'd do for starters Janis: If the situation's a dire as you reckon, you'll have plenty consolation, boy Janis: Welcome Janis: State, honestly Jimmy: You're my consolation if you do me this delivery Jimmy: feeding me to the wolves in lipstick if you don't, basically Jimmy: 'ave it on your conscience if you want, mate Janis: Fucking Hell, if I start atoning for all her cringe or offering myself up as 'consolation' to every lad she makes a tit out of herself in front of I'll never get anything done Janis: Ugh, alright, brains, do your job for you as well, shall I? Just put your mate's number on her to-go 'stead of yours, yeah? Jimmy: alright but how many of 'em are coming to you direct for help, I'm making myself look as much of a tit here, aren't I? Jimmy: brutal you Jimmy: newbies don't have mates to throw under buses Janis: Well, don't be fooled by how available I seem Janis: phone never stops, like Jimmy: I'll find another way then Jimmy: if you stop by for coffee I'll misspell your name like we never chatted, don't worry Janis: Barista bants, how cute Janis: Whatever, it's on my route, I can get it tomorrow AM Jimmy: what you prefer, Janet or Janice? Let me know Janis: 😑 Janis: If you want my sister to ride you, keep on taking the piss, she'll love that, like Jimmy: if you want me to be nice to you, keep using your sister for that A+ excuse Jimmy: 'cause nah, there's nowt more appealing than her getting on her bike Janis: Ha, fuck off, you're the one with a tips jar and manager to keep happy, dickhead Janis: I'm not saying she's not fussy, I'm just saying it might take me several cups of coffee to give you enough 3rd degree burns for her to be #overit Jimmy: funny Jimmy: & im just saying I'd rather give me ex a bell & have her do her worst ruining my life long distance Janis: Worth a shot then, isn't it? Janis: Just try and be less Janis: this Janis: she might reckon you're a changed man Jimmy: is it gonna change your sister's mind about me if I do? Jimmy: 'cause her mates have homewrecker written all over 'em Janis: It was a poor choice of friendship tat, yeah but they ain't the brightest, bless Janis: idk, probably help if the girl was real, mate Jimmy: she is real but shes also real far away Jimmy: & really hates me Jimmy: that's mutual unlike the attraction your little twin is harboring 💔 Janis: 💔 Janis: fuck someone here then, ain't gotta be all 💕 just look enough like it that they write you off their hit lists, yeah Jimmy: proper romantic you Jimmy: I'll go back to the drawing board if its all the same Jimmy: don't need another lass falling for me, do I? Janis: 🙄 Janis: If I had such an easy out, I'd use it Janis: fucking blood ties, such bullshit, along with romance but there we go Jimmy: Easy? yeah alright, Juliet Janis: Not saying you've gotta off yourself with the poor bitch, steady on, though peak 💘 so it is Janis: You're either a 😻 magnet or you ain't, can't have it both ways Jimmy: I just wanna be left alone Jimmy: shouldn't be a lot to ask but until I master leprechaun for fuck off, it apparently is Janis: Preaching to the choir...nah, fuck that, preaching to the big man himself Janis: You work it out, you've got my details now you fucking stalker so hmu then and not before k Jimmy: you know the saying, get stalked enough, become fucked off enough by it to become the stalker Jimmy: or summat Janis: Tragic Janis: No doubt you coulda been something, kid Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: still could Jimmy: if you help me Janis: I don't know how to make a latte, soz Jimmy: not a requirement of dating me, and yeah, my boss is gutted Janis: you what? Jimmy: go out with me Jimmy: you said yourself it don't have to be a love story Janis: um yeah but you should both at least be somewhat into it, ideal world Janis: know you already called me out as the romantic here but Jimmy: nah, you're what I need Jimmy: I won't get tempted Jimmy: keep it easy, like you also said Janis: 🖕 Janis: Like I said, show me how it's worth my time and I will Jimmy: your sister would hate it Jimmy: not like I'm asking you to marry me, you look enough like her that'd be like asking myself to honeymoon in Vietnam Janis: You're a cunt, also, obviously not well-traveled Janis: say what you like Janis: it would be amusing to piss her off and I'm always up for finding new ways Jimmy: so you in? Jimmy: 3 date minimum Janis: You mean I actually have to spend time with you? Jimmy: as long as people think you are, do what you want Janis: Fill your boots Janis: but don't just be saying I let you finger me on your lunch break, like, that isn't working on anyone, least of all my sister and her stupid mates Jimmy: come get your sister's coat and we'll make the magic happen Jimmy: coupley pics and #s will work Jimmy: all they do is sip & scroll Janis: How magical can you really be, then? 😏 Janis: Fuck it, worth it just to piss her grafting you down the drain Jimmy: I'll fake rock your world, Jasmine Janis: Sure 👌 Make me forget my name half as many times as you have and you'll have fucked enough brain cells out to make me a thick Northern twat, clearly Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: hope you're a better actress than you are sweet talker, love Janis: That ain't the one, fucking hell Janis: pick a better petname if we ain't taking time to remember Jimmy: let me know what you want me to call you Jimmy: Baby, right? I bet you're one of them girls Janis: 😒 Hilarious Janis: My daddy issues are pretty non-existent, soz to report Jimmy: what then? Jimmy: Can't call you Juliet if you aren't ride or die for me, darling Janis: I'm remember your unfortunate accent now Janis: it's probably best you don't speak Jimmy: strong, silent type Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: It's your fantasy, kid Janis: Big yourself up however you gotta Jimmy: fantasy? nah Jimmy: necessity Janis: You've not gotta warn me Janis: Not swooning over this chat Jimmy: 💔 Janis: We're all gutted Janis: push that down and smile for the 'gram Jimmy: 😁 Janis: That's the spirit Jimmy: I know yours is more 😏 Jimmy: control yourself if you can, Jenna Janis: Make no promises to control myself so Janis: 👊 behave or deal Jimmy: make one or its off Jimmy: your sister & his mates break enough of my boundaries Janis: If the problem is they're swinging for you, I'm gonna go right ahead and victim blame Jimmy: probably keep that off the 'gram, girl Janis: We laying down ground rules here and now, yeah? Jimmy: you got something else on? Janis: It's the Easter hols Janis: so no Janis: fuck all Jimmy: then may as well Janis: Alright Janis: No posting without getting the other's go ahead first Jimmy: done Jimmy: same goes for agreeing to go somewhere/do something as the power couple we're pretending to be Janis: 'Course Jimmy: & if you tell your sister summat let me know too 'cause she loves questioning me over her coffee Janis: Ha Janis: I do my level best to avoid her but easy Jimmy: you're not gonna brag about what a good boyfriend I am 💔 Janis: We'll have to work out how good you are first, like Jimmy: good enough that I'm off limits your sister & her mates Jimmy: no more no less Janis: Can do that Jimmy: don't fall in love with me for real, can you do that? Janis: 😏 Are you for real? Janis: Ego to go with the accent, is it Jimmy: just checking you're not like your sister for real Jimmy: could be protesting too much for all I know Janis: And this could just be a really bad come on for all I know Janis: we'll have to trust on this one thing, deal? Jimmy: Yeah Janis: Sorted Janis: Make me sound good, as I will be for you Jimmy: how good? Jimmy: nobody knows my dating history, what's yours? Janis: Likewise Janis: all you gotta do is make it realistic enough that people stop asking if I'm a dyke Jimmy: Easy Jimmy: Are you a take it slow girl or hook up on date 1 type? Janis: Won't be getting that graphic on the 'gram, leave it out Jimmy: But it won't stay on the 'gram, will it? Jimmy: People chat Jimmy: what reputation do you want? Janis: Probably better to not be a slag init Jimmy: but don't be keeping me waiting too long if you don't wanna sound gay Janis: alright, irresistable Janis: 2nd date, like Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I ain't, by the way Jimmy: Don't matter Janis: Does Janis: Who needs the pressure of being a beard? This ain't what this is, got it Jimmy: It'd be less pressure, probably Jimmy: you'd be better at faking it Janis: Sorry to disappoint you and all the girls 😒 Jimmy: if its the only time you're gonna, I'll cope Janis: Naturally Janis: Aim to please Jimmy: save it for the 'gram, Judith Janis: Reckon I'm being nice rn? Janis: Poor boy 💔 Jimmy: nice matters less than gay Jimmy: Don't wanna be your mate Janis: Good thing too, aiming to please here, keep up Janis: just saying, starting to doubt how 😍 they are now Jimmy: come see for yourself Jimmy: I'm working as we speak Janis: 😏 Wow so hot Jimmy: it could be if you're ready to kick this off Janis: Why not? Janis: Sooner we get it done sooner we'll see results Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: Laters, babes Jimmy: Cute Janis: That's why you're with me Jimmy: I'm not yet Janis: You're gonna be salty 'cos I won't ride you in your hipster hangout today? 😂 Jimmy: I'm getting paid to be here, you're the one hanging out Janis: I'm picking up the bitch's coat, piss off Jimmy: You could do that when we close Jimmy: You're coming to see me Janis: You do this much? Janis: Suspiciously good at it Jimmy: Which bit? Janis: The bit where you fake a relationship Janis: Good tactic to get bare girls, like or what Jimmy: You're my first 💕 Jimmy: don't let it go to your head, Josephine Janis: as much as that'd get 'em throwing out the #goals Janis: secret's safe with me, boy Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: don't have to go to these lengths up north Jimmy: girls just get if you're interested or nah Janis: 💔 it's a shithole, mate Janis: didn't you get told before leaving t'mines Jimmy: must've had too much coal in my ears or summat Janis: Don't know what you got 'til it's gone Janis: interested and interesting bitches included, obvs Jimmy: not only a pretty face you Jimmy: got it going on in your head too Jimmy: lucky me Jimmy: 😍😍😍😍 Janis: Yeah yeah Janis: Better take back what you said 'bout the leprechauns now you're coming up 🍀&🌹 Jimmy: if you save the humble for the #s I'll think about it Janis: Never been accused of being humble Janis: I guess the gay or nay is more pressing Jimmy: never checked a mirror or nowt, neither? Janis: 'Course, gotta spot myself at the gym, ain't I Jimmy: you can agree you're pretty then Jimmy: not an ugly duckling story either Janis: What's it matter, like Jimmy: im not fake dating one of them girls Jimmy: hates herself but still takes selfies Janis: that's another rule? i'll be thinking on my next then Jimmy: Can't prop up your self esteem Janis: Don't worry 'bout me, fake worry or otherwise ain't necessary Jimmy: I won't Jimmy: all worried out Jimmy: fake & real Janis: 🎻 Jimmy: customer service deserves a pity orchestra Jimmy: alright for you, rich girl Janis: I'll hire one out for date three if you earn it Janis: so 💸 Jimmy: just gimme the money Jimmy: if this was a naff teen rom com, I'd charge per date Janis: If I was richer, older and lonelier, you mean Janis: and you were desperate enough to be a rent boy Janis: you'd actually have to put out though so let's not Jimmy: only if I wanted top money Jimmy: the in it for the chit chat option would be more than I make at CG Janis: Then I hope to fuck you're a better fuck than you are bringing it with the chat, darling, no one is paying for this Jimmy: I'm not trying to impress you Jimmy: pay me and I'll be charming Janis: I'm not trying to pay Janis: Not that hard up, but tah Jimmy: don't complain about what you get then Janis: You ain't telling me what I can and can't do, babe Jimmy: I'm telling you I'm not here to listen to you whinge, babe Jimmy: Get a real boyfriend for that Janis: Have you tried talking to any of my sister's mates Janis: I really think it'll solve this whole thing Jimmy: I talk to 'em every shift Janis: That's not real Janis: that's wage slave robotics Jimmy: neither is this Janis: Whatever, do this at them then Janis: However fit you are, it ain't worth all this Janis: though, probably had worse, hm Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: bad boy baristas are this year's...whatever last year's fad was Jimmy: whatever I say that's brutal I'm playing hard to get Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: 🤢 Ick Janis: last year's fad was the clap so like, careful Jimmy: I repeat, you're what I need Jimmy: nothing else has worked Janis: 😍 Janis: I said yes, didn't I Janis: it'll be sorted Jimmy: are you on your way? Jimmy: 'cause it won't be 'til then Janis: Keen Janis: Yeah, though, gimme 10 Jimmy: try and look like someone capable of getting my attention Janis: I'm not giving myself a shit fringe for you Janis: get some taste Jimmy: you don't know my tastes, Joanne Janis: I can guess Janis: and be right Jimmy: go for it Jimmy: try Janis: any bitch described in any indie song ever Janis: not like other girls 'cept like all the other girls at the shitty pub/gig drinking pints 'cos you'll think it's dead cool, like her tongue piercing and real leather jacket Jimmy: thats racist Jimmy: just 'cause I know all the lyrics to Wonderwall Janis: 😂 Janis: like glass, boy Jimmy: I hope you're better at pretending to know what I like Janis: I know I ain't wrong but you can have the automatic upgrade for free Jimmy: Funny Janis: What, now I'm TOO confident? Jimmy: Nah, too obvious Janis: Err, me or your lack of taste? Jimmy: you Janis: How Janis: Fucking cheek Jimmy: You've pulled the first cliche you could out of your arse Jimmy: is how Janis: I'm sooooo sorry Janis: sure she seemed really special and unique at the time Jimmy: I'm sorry that you're just like your sister Janis: Now who's chatting out their arse Jimmy: still you Jimmy: she don't know me either but she reckons she knows my tastes too Janis: and you don't know me, you barely know the bits of her she wants you to, like Jimmy: I'm not trying to even fake know you Janis: Mutual, hence idc what you fuck Janis: and it was a joke, fucking hell boy Jimmy: funny you Jimmy: like I said Janis: So you keep saying Janis: go do some work, i'm just killing time on the bus Jimmy: I'm working harder than you Jimmy: this chat is a slog without all the coffee I'm slinging between the lines Janis: Do one then? Save it for the 'gram, rule no.1 Jimmy: 👋 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: what do you do that isn't shit coffee there Jimmy: drinks or food? Janis: Drinks Jimmy: shitter tea, tasteless milkshakes & minging smoothies Janis: 🙄 Joy Janis: if you can make the smoothie at least healthy as well as minging, do that Jimmy: I can make it taste alright if you keep that off the 'gram Janis: That's big talk, babe Jimmy: secret menus aren't just for starbucks Jimmy: I'm here all day I have to make some shit edible for myself Janis: Fair Janis: I'm willing to be impressed by the smoothie skillz at least Jimmy: Challenge accepted Janis: I'll be brutally honest, idc if you are bae Jimmy: calling me bae is more brutal Jimmy: hate that Janis: 😂 awh bae Jimmy: leave off, Jill Janis: hot and cold, you Jimmy: 💔 Janis: tell me 'bout it Janis: planning our fake breakup already Jimmy: Are you? Janis: that's the fun bit, right? Jimmy: make me look better than my ex did and it'll be a start Janis: i'll break your heart Janis: that's the reputation i'll take Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: steady Janis: 🤷 Janis: i want what i want boy Jimmy: you think you're having my heart? how many dates we going on? Janis: work fast Janis: faster than i'm letting you Jimmy: up yourself you Janis: rich 😏 Jimmy: yeah you are, don't rub it in, girl Janis: I ain't though Janis: like you said, her coat's shit Jimmy: means she's got shit taste not a lack of funds Janis: You can't be rich with 10 kids Janis: trust Jimmy: you could Jimmy: could be a princess for all I know Janis: 😂 what kind of deep cover is this Janis: living in this hole Janis: going to that school, sure Jimmy: #humble Janis: funny Janis: you wish Jimmy: Why? Jimmy: I don't care what you are, do I Janis: 💸 and clout would be an undeniable bonus, regardless Jimmy: I told you, I wanna be left alone, clout is the opposite of that Jimmy: & I don't need your money, girl Janis: Okay so you can't be bought, get you Jimmy: that's not what we're doing here Janis: I know Janis: Serious Janis: you're just easy to take the piss outta Jimmy: piss off Janis: I'll turn around now, like Jimmy: go on then Jimmy: I'm not having the threat of you walking hanging over me head Janis: So serious Janis: Not a princess with a driver, there's no changing the bus route on the rest of this lot now Janis: no matter how moody you get Jimmy: I've got a kid sister I ain't babysitting you too Jimmy: Be serious Janis: Yeah yeah Jimmy: Or call it off Janis: Nah Jimmy: It's not a yeah or nah question Jimmy: it's me saying don't half arse fake dating me Janis: I ain't going to Janis: like you said, this ain't real, and ain't how it's gonna be but can't prove that 'til I get there Jimmy: 👌 Janis: That ain't a response either Janis: I ain't the only one with something to prove Jimmy: Show your face & I will Janis: Try not to look too disappointed Janis: don't doubt some of your fangirls will be watching Jimmy: How many times do you want me to tell you you're pretty when nobody's listening? Janis: Shut up Janis: That ain't what I meant Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: See? Don't start Janis: 😍 only dickhead Jimmy: calm down, dickhead Jimmy: I've got this Janis: First time, you admitted as much Jimmy: Faking it, yeah Jimmy: I've done it for real, that's harder Janis: You reckon Jimmy: I don't care what you think so yeah Jimmy: As long as it looks good it don't matter if it is Janis: That's same as the real thing let's not lie Jimmy: Nah Janis: Agree to disagree, darling Jimmy: Disagree and tell you to shut your face, Jodie Janis: Save it for your ex, Romeo Janis: 💘 such a romantic Jimmy: If I was, she wouldn't be an ex, would she? Janis: Giving you benefit of doubt Janis: LDR never works, you're a 15 year old boy Janis: got like what, 13 more before you find the one, isn't it? Jimmy: what makes you think long distance is what ex-ed her? Jimmy: I never said that Janis: Guess not Jimmy: You don't have to fake knowledge about me Jimmy: nobody's asking who came before Janis: You don't know girls if you think that Janis: undoubtly scoping their profiles as we speak Jimmy: don't doubt they have but they won't find owt Janis: not gutted for 'em Jimmy: only yourself Jimmy: you'll have to keep faking knowing everything Janis: suits me fine, boy Janis: the truth don't interest me none Jimmy: spoken like a decent liar Janis: you know it Janis: truly your lucky day Jimmy: 😍 Janis: Ready? Jimmy: If you are Janis: Fuck it Janis: Why not Jimmy: see, romance ain't dead 💕 Jimmy: how could I refuse? Janis: in it for the smoothie Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: got time to spit in it still Janis: Don't you dare Janis: Will actually fuck you up Jimmy: Get used to it, you're gonna have to kiss me Janis: Disgusting Jimmy: Sweet talking again Jimmy: Jeez, June, steady on Janis: You're the one bringing up necking when I've not even got in the door Jimmy: Are you ready or aren't you? Janis: 'Course I am Jimmy: then I can talk about it, can't I? Jimmy: it's too late for a no kissing rule Janis: If that's how you deal with bricking it Jimmy: piss off Janis: Too late now, babe Jimmy: it's not Janis: ? Jimmy: we don't have to do this if you're shitting yourself Janis: bitch, please Jimmy: I'm not gonna be your bitch, babe Janis: Not the pet name you want then? Jimmy: 🖕 Janis: Have plenty of time to think on it when you're swooning 😉 Jimmy: It's so funny that you believe you'll able to think on anything Janis: 😏 Mhmm Janis: catch me mentally writing my shopping list to pass the time during Jimmy: You aren't even a good liar in private Jimmy: We're doomed Janis: Shut up Janis: Not seen such a romance since Kate and Leo Jimmy: 🎻 doomed, mate Janis: you wanna go down with the ship so bad Janis: drama 👑 Jimmy: I want you to put your riches where your big mouth is Jimmy: Stop your chatting and come on Janis: Keen as Janis: I'm nearly there, stop pining, it's embarrassing Jimmy: You're such a dickhead Jimmy: Maybe I should just date your sister Janis: Go on Janis: I ain't gonna save you from the literal slag pile of exes, you ain't deserve it Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: you don't deserve me Jimmy: well snide you Janis: You love it Jimmy: not having my 💘 Joan, I told you Janis: i don't want it Janis: just gonna 💔 it and bounce Jimmy: 😂 Janis: k i'm coming in guard your 💘 and 👀 'cos i look 🔥 Jimmy: I'll judge that Janis: you forgot what we're doing here or what Jimmy: If we're dating you gotta bring it as my girlfriend Jimmy: so nah Janis: 🙄 Janis: 'cos you look so fit in your stupid uniform 👌 Jimmy: We're meant to be improving your rep not trashing mine Jimmy: & yeah I do 👌 Janis: Really? Nothing to do with how scared you are of these crazy bitches k Jimmy: fed up ain't scared Janis: still Janis: you need me Janis: don't forget it, pal Jimmy: I won't if you don't, mate

[klinejack]

hi divvy! i know you are MAD right now, so don't answer this until you feel like it, but when you're ready i'd love to hear your thoughts on music on the sabbath and yom kippur! i love hearing you talk about jewish things tbh.

first off i’m so sorry i didn’t answer this whole time. it’s not that i was so mad (that came and went) but i did need a little distance from thinking about it and then i thought why not wait and see how the rest of the holiday goes before replying.

secondly oh my goodness i can’t believe you love hearing me talk about anything XD but it feels really nice that you enjoy my random outbursts about religion. i get that it must be weird for people (especially ones who know me irl) that i have this whole aspect of me that doesn’t fit at all with the way i present myself/live my life (for the most part- except the people who only know that part of me, of course, my students/congregation members etc). i have such a weird dual personality when it comes to this but anyway that is a HUGE can of beans for maybe another time.

but anyway here’s a bottom line about me to help us in this discussion about music on shabbat (im just gonna call it shabbat from here on cuz “the sabbath” is so weird for me to write for some reason) and holidays:

my elementary school was a secular zionist/traditional jewish day school. this might sound completely ridiculous so i’ll break it down- it wasn’t an orthodox place (girls and boys did everything together, nobody had to dress or act a certain way because of religion, and it was basically non-denominational so… secular), but it was traditional in the sense that we did morning prayers every day from the traditional (i guess u could call it orthodox) prayerbook, we learned Torah every day and everything to do with jewish traditions/ritual practices, learned about Israel, jewish history, etc. we, of course, studied all of the secular subjects (including french) at the same time. at the time i also went to a jewish summer camp from age 6-12, but it was more traditional and pretty jewish/israel intensive. we also prayed every day, observed shabbat in the orthodox sense (no electricity, no “work”, special activities, lots of food and rest), and even had special events on certain days like tisha b’av (the fast day commemorating the destruction of the temple), and maccabiah games at the end of the summer (like color war/olympics, but we had to talk hebrew the whole time or we lost points XD). my favorite part of camp was an event called ma’apilim, where the counselors would wake us up in the middle of the night and the entire camp would run through this simulation of the experience of the holocaust refugees being smuggled into palestine in the mid-40s. i can describe that whole experience for you in detail if you want but maybe not right now since i’ve rambled so much already.

SUFFICE TO SAY i grew up in a seriously jewish environment, but not a religious home. as a teenager i went to a jewish high school, though not at all as religious, and became active in my synagogue youth group. OH also, when i was 9, my parents switched us over to the reconstructionist synagogue (from a conservative one) so my sisters and i could have a real bat mitzvah (in orthodox and conservative shuls girls aren’t allowed to read from the Torah like boys do). so thru high school i was very involved in jewishy things and my synagogue, and i got really attached to reading Torah and the prayer service in my synagogue. my reason for emphasis is because, as i’ve said, i’d been exposed to the traditional prayer service for most of my life, but praying in this shul has always been a completely different experience.

in school and in camp, despite the traditional service (and separation of boys and girls, in camp only), i was always able to sing out loud as much as i wanted. but, traditionally, prayer is lead by an individual- the cantor- and the congregation (and the rabbi) only “participates” out loud in certain parts. that’s how it is in most synagogues in montreal except the temple and mine. in my shul, we’ve never had a cantor, and the entire service is basically communally led. our rabbi was also very special. our leader for 40 years, he was a pioneer in the reconstructionist movement, creating his own prayer book (not new prayers, just his own translation and commentary and additions) and passover haggadah. he wasn’t a singer, but he had a musical soul and when he led prayers it just moved me every time. the tunes for the prayers were sometimes the same as the traditional melody, and sometimes not. it always took me awhile to get used to new melodies or songs he would introduce (i’m so inflexible, what a shock), but i would always eventually suck it up. for him. basically for 25+ years i got used to doing things a certain way in my shul. i also watched through the years as new people came and left, including my entire generation (moved away/got married/not interested in synagogue), until the whole makeup of my shul was essentially completely different. but we’ve always had a few core members that stuck around, and the melodies have always remained. i was always proud to carry it on.

so, a little about the reconstructionist movement and synagogues in montreal. reconstructionism began post-holocaust when the founder, mordechai kaplan, realized how difficult it was becoming for people to continue to have faith in  religion after such trauma. people couldn’t connect, or didn’t want to be involved at all anymore. so the movement began as a place for these people, to maintain a connection to judaism without feeling the pressure of having to believe in god or accept all of the traditional tenets of the religion. this isn’t the same as reform, by the way, which a lot of people think is the only other denomination of judaism besides orthodox/conservative. i don’t wanna give a lesson on denominations rn, but basically reconstructionism is all about adapting and shaping judaism so that it can fit into your life and inform your values without infringing on however else you choose to live. okay all of that just to get to this motherfuckingpoint:

playing music on shabbat/(certain) holidays is part of the laws of shabbat, codified by rabbis during the temple period as part of the Talmud. these laws, which are basically a breakdown of all the things you cannot or must do on shabbat, are what is considered oral Torah, just as binding as the laws in the written Torah from moses. they had to break it down because “on the 7th day you must rest” isn’t exactly specific, so how can you know if you break the law? there are 39 things that are listed as “work” which you cannot do on shabbat. the two main reasons for not playing an instrument on shabbat are: the instrument might break and you might be tempted to fix it (and in so doing, do one of the 39 acts), and the fact that instruments were played in the Temple, and we’re not supposed to be doing anything they did in the Temple until we’ve built the new one (hence no more sacrifices even tho almost the entire book of leviticus deals with the priestly ritual laws).

okay so those are the rules. now, for me personally. what’s my problem? i’m a member at a reconstructionist synagogue, not an orthodox one. i’m not a religious person. i don’t keep the laws of shabbat on a regular basis. what. is. my. problem?

maybe i should have mentioned, along with my heavily traditionally influenced childhood, there was also a point in my life where i did decide to keep all the rules. for about 5 years in my mid twenties i became completely zealous when it came to the laws of shabbat/holidays (maybe cuz i was trying to get my jewish teaching career off the ground idek). i walked 45 minutes each way to shul. i even walked clear across town on saturdays to get to the theatre in time to meet my mom for the ballet at 8pm after sunset. i made them turn off the microphones if i was going to be on the bimah (pulpit) in shul. i was a bit insane, but nobody was offended and neither was i, i just tried it out and eventually decided it wasn’t for me.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that my problem with music in synagogue comes from a few places: 1- my “traditional/religious” brain saying NO it’s just NOT ALLOWED, IT’S TOO MUCH. YOU BREAK SO MANY RULES AS IT IS, and i guess that’s harder to turn off than i would like 2- the shul i grew up in and love was one where our collective voices were the instrument, and that alone has had a huge impact on my spiritual growth. i don’t like being drowned out (my own and other’s voices) when i’m praying. 3- while my rabbi occasionally would whip out the guitar, this new rabbi has it out every single shabbat. to me, prayer and ritual worship are not a performance. when i see someone on a “stage”- in this case the bimah- with an instrument, i’m in the mind frame of a concert, and all of my attention is focused on the musician. i just can’t pray like that. when i lived in nyc i worked at this huge reform synagogue that had like 5 rabbis and 3 cantors and every friday night service was like a broadway spectacle with a full orchestra and choir and what not. it was beautiful, but i couldn’t concentrate on the praying. i don’t know how many people could. i understand that for most people music in itself is a spiritual experience, and that makes complete sense, but for me, my spiritual experience in synagogue is hearing voices in prayer.

i just realized i didn’t talk about yom kippur specifically. yk is one of the only times of the year that most jews in the world decide to do the exact same thing (the other is passover). jews who eat bacon every morning and work all day on saturday will put their lives aside and fast. most will even be in synagogue for kol nidre (the night before) or neilah (the night of), depending on your ethnic background (for ashkenazis the former is most important, for sephardim the latter). the main part of the kol nidre service (which is the beginning of yk), is the kol nidre prayer itself, which is supposed to be chanted 3 times, starting off soft and each time getting progressively louder. as a child i led the kol nidre service once in the conservative shul where we went, and it was unbelievable i’ll never forget it, so i’ve always had a special connection to this prayer and melody. in my current shul we’ve always had a choir, and a cantor, for the occasion, much like many traditional congregations do. i’ve never really liked it because i can’t sing aloud all three times, and therefore don’t feel the same connection to the prayer, but i dealt with it. bringing in an orchestra was just kinda a last straw i guess? i didn’t want to have to deal with all of that negative bitterness as i’m trying to ask god to nullify my vows so i can be clean again.

oy gevalt. this was an essay, and not a well thought out one at that. sorry :// my main point is, basically, that for me music on shabbat is complicated, and it’s not just about the law, because clearly i’m not a “follow every law” kinda person. i don’t feel like i fit into any particular jewish mold, thanks to my upbringing, and i can’t really connect to any of the denominations, so i pick and choose what’s meaningful to me. luckily i stuffed a lot of information into my brain (thank you mcgill jewish studies), and i feel more comfortable doing so than i might have in my youth because i actually know and understand my options. maybe i’m not the best jew i can be, but i’m trying to be the best divvy. :)

[booksbroadwaybbc]

[long read] I know I need some change in my life but I don't know how to achieve it (or where to start) via /r/selfimprovement

[long read] I know I need some change in my life but I don't know how to achieve it (or where to start)

Hey /r/selfimprovement. I've been running the same paradox through my mind time and time again and am finally at the point where I feel like I may need some outside advice. I'm a 27M (Indian, 5'5, born and raised in the US) who is unhappy with a couple huge aspects of his life, but can't realize what it's going to take to bring him to where he wants to be (much of this having to do with factors he feels are out of his control).

Firstly, I am unhappy with my love life. It seems like all of my friends are in long-standing relationships, married, or at the very least able to find dates frequently. Since I am out of college and single, I've pretty much resigned myself to having to use dating sites/apps like Tinder and OkCupid in order to find dates. I've tried messing around with different types of pictures (no selfies, out doing interesting things, can clearly see my face, etc...all the "do's you basically read about as far as choosing dating site photos goes) and including witty blurbs/detailed bios in my various profiles. I even send detailed messages to women, usually picking up on something in her bio or photos (not just a "hey sexy" or some other fuckboy shit). Now, I realize that I am not entitled to get any interest or responses from anybody...but boy is it exhausting/disheartening to be ignored and passed over just about every single time I try to break out of my comfort zone and actually message someone with something well thought-out. This in turn has put me in a vicious cycle of deleting and reactivating all of my profiles because I eventually get so fed up with all the rejection and need to distance myself from it for a while, only to return when I feel like I'm in a better standing (I never actually am, and so the cycle continues). Because of all this, I am not meeting very many women and it's causing me to become far too attached to anyone who actually does give me the time of day. In the past these feelings have manifested in me acting out in clingy/jealous ways and have ruined friendships. I look back at these times and tell myself that I would never act out in that way again, but the needy/jealous feelings that went along with it still exist inside my mind and I hate it. I don't think this "oneitis" would be an issue if I had a lot of female interest, but I don't.

Secondly, I feel like my job is very unsatisfying. I graduated college back in 2013 with a BS in electrical engineering and started working for a defense contracting firm shortly afterwards (which is where I still am to this very day) doing software development related tasks. At first I was doing some pretty interesting things at my job but as the years went on, most of that meaningful work has dried up. As of late, I spend a lot of time waiting for work to do without anything else to keep myself occupied (I'm too paranoid of managers walking near my desk and assuming I'm "slacking off" if I use my phone/am on some website unrelated to my job), which often leaves me in a bit of a braindead state by the time I go home for the day. This in turn leads me to be far too tired and unmotivated to learn new things in my free time after work that could help me land a different job (I hardly have the time on most nights anyways because I like to go to the gym).

Finally (and this ties into my second point), I don't feel passionate enough about things to wanna pursue learning about them/practicing them for very long. The initial interest comes on strong, but once I get to a point where the level of difficulty increases, I tend to bail out and go do something entertaining like watch Netflix or play video games instead (or on the worst nights, aimlessly scroll through social media sites to see what other people are doing). This never ends up giving me a sense of satisfaction, but I can't seem to break the habit and just trust that I will become better at something if I keep at it.

Anyways, all of these issues have been compounding on me for a long time and leaving me feeling very depressed, lonely, and unfulfilled. It seems like the longer I wait without having a path laid out for me, the further I'm gonna sink into this hole. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a magical answer that will fix all my problems, but I could definitely use all the advice I can get so I can pull myself out of this rut.

Thanks for reading, and I apologize if it seems like I'm just rambling at parts (I'm not the most eloquent person when it comes to organizing my thoughts lol).

Submitted April 24, 2018 at 01:42AM by losing_streak_ via reddit https://ift.tt/2HqVrZZ